All language subtitles for The.Brittas.Empire.S07E00.Surviving Christmas_Special_96.English

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It's so inconsiderate
of Mr Brittas

to keep us away
till Christmas Eve.

I don't want to go either.

But Ben was very happy when
I took him to the kennels.

You put him in kennels?

He loves dogs. He's sharing
with a nice cocker spaniel.

There you are Linda, I
thought I'd dish my

Christmas cards
out before the off.

Oh, thank you Colin.

I made them myself you know,
here's one for you Carole.

Oh how kind!

''The robin taps upon the winda,

with seasons greetings for
my friend Linda'' love C

- That's me Colin.
- Thank you Colin.

''Merry Christmas to you Carole,
we all agree you are a barrel'',

oh of laughs, hah, hah,
love C and Rex, who's Rex?

No, no, that's Andrex, I made
then from recycled paper.

Festive salutations
to one and all.

Welcome to Whitbury New
Town Leisure Centre,

how may I help
you Mr Newmark?

It's the appointed hour dear
lady, and I am here again to

give my Santa. I'll set up
my grotto in here as usual.

Oh, leisure centre post mark!

Whenever I need a little prod,

you're always there
with your great big ...

Who'd send this to Gordon...

it's from Carole, that cow.

Ah, Mr Newmark.

Gordon dear boy,
hail fellow well met,

I come most carefully
upon thy hour.

Ah, old friend, it hardly
seems the twelve months

since last I donned
the scarlet robe.

Been a good year
then as it Mr Newmark?

Oh quiet Gordon, very quiet.

Did your agent send
you here because I

haven't actually spoken
to him this year?

Nor have I, no, I'm mistaken,
we had a brief chat in July,

we were discussing my
career as Father Christmas,

he told me that in Australia
they have Christmas during the

summer, so I went over there in
August, it's a complete lie.

They have Christmas in
December the same as we do.

Yes of course, the reason I
haven't spoken to your agent

Mr Newmark, is we are not
actually booking you this year.

Oh, Oh, Oh, you jest?

Hah, hah, hah, no I don't jest.
You see we are closing the

leisure centre today, and we
are not opening it until after

Christmas, staff
training in Wales.

But I always play
Father Christmas.

Not this year, you are
surplus to requirements.

You can't give Father
Christmas the sack.

Don't tell me, because he's
already got one, naaaaahh.

This is madness. I mean it's
practically suicidal, a survival

course halfway up a
freezing Welsh mountain.

Oh will you stop waving
that thing around.

I'm trying to get
a signal on it.

Hello boys, I've got a
Christmas card for you.

Oh, I'm afraid we haven't
got you one Colin.

Oh that's all right, neither
has any one else at the centre.

Well I expect you got lots
of others though, yes.

No, no, just the one, from the
lads at Dynorod.

We always exchange cards.

But you can't do
this to me, it's my life.

Oh come on, it's only
four days dressing up

in a silly costume!

Fool, Philistine,
don't you understand,

I am Father Christmas.

Not this year.

I have a calling, a vocation,
I need to be Father Christmas.

I don't see why, you
are not very good at it.

- What?!
- You scare the children.

Now you have gone too far,

he that filches from
me my good name,

robs me of that
which not enriches him

and breaks me poor in...

I didn't say you were poor, I
said you weren't very good.

Are you some sort of critic, it
was the critics that destroyed

me at the Theatre Royal,
Northampton, they mocked my

Micawber, they vilified my
Vanya, they savaged my Bottom.

I can't take
criticism any longer,

not even with the medication.

Warwick, it's not criticism,
it's helpful advice,

give it up, your
in the wrong job.

That's what they
said in Northampton,

you're in league
with them aren't you?

Look Wozza, I'm doing you a
favour really, on your bike,

see you next Christmas, maybe.

Brat, fool, tch, grrr!

I'll be revenged on the
whole pack of you, aagghh!

Mrs Brittas, what
are you doing here?

I'm going to Wales, you
got a problem with that.

You're coming with us, it's
gonna be a nightmare out there.

I certainly hope so.

Time to hit the road.

COLIN: Right you are Mr Brittas.

-Let me help you in.
-Thank you Mr Brittas

Hello darling, didn't expect
to see you here this morning

I bet you didn't!

Are you seeing us
off Mrs Brittas?

Don't push your luck Carole or
I might see you off.

I'm coming with you I'm not
letting you out of my sight.

What a devoted little wife
I've got eh, naaaaahh.

COLIN: We're all going
on a winter holiday...

TIM: Oh shut up Colin!

LINDA: Wasn't that Mr Newmark?

BRITTAS: Look, he's waving at
us, Happy Christmas Mr Newmark.

BRITTAS: Ah, just
smell that fresh air.

Huuurrgghh!

How many times is that Colin?

15 I'm afraid Mr... huuurrgghh!

16!

That was the worst
journey I have ever had.

Oh I don't know, I
quite enjoyed it.

Captain Kipper B Brown,
I run the centre.

Gordon Brittas,
I run the centre,

Whitbury Newtown
Leisure Centre, naaah.

Right, get your kit off...the
roof...I'll show you your dorms.

Briefing room 1800 hours,
introductory chat,

intensive team building
through survival techniques,

believe me, you're
gonna need them.

If I could just clarify
that, briefing 1800 hours,

introductory chat, intensive
team building through

survival techniques.

I just said that.

Yes, and I just
clarified it for you.

KIPPER: Over the next two days
you're going to achieve what I

call team maturity.

That's what I call it too.

You are going to be moulded
into a highly motivated

fully functional team.
How do we do that?

Forming, storming,
norming and performing,

I've done the course, did an
afternoon workshop in Swindon.

Really?!

KIPPER: When a group first
meet, people don't know what

they are expected to do.

Forming.

Everyone has different
ideas and opinions.

-Storming.
-Would you keep quiet please.

In the third stage,
roles are clarified.

This ones called norming.

Finally, solutions to problems
emerge and we are able to start

Performing.

No, we don't call it that.

Oh, that's what they
called it in Swindon.

My darling, I was definitely
performing in Swindon.

Helen! I'm sorry about that,
I'm afraid my wife's a woman,

she gets a bit over emotional.

I quite understand. Right,
lets press on to session five,

coping with difficult
team members.

Good, I'm glad, for some
reason they didn't let me do

this one at Swindon.

As I was saying...

CRASHING AND SHOUTING

It's all right every one,
it's just a lump of rock

with a note on it. It's
part of the course.

You're going to die.

Oh very good, we did this at
Swindon, it's called team

formation through fear. Tell him
Captain Brown? There's nothing

to worry about Gavin.
I had seventeen

death threats at Swindon.

Ah Mrs Brittas, there you are.

I'm going to kill him.

Mrs Brittas, if I'm
not mistaken something

appears to have irritated
you, now what might that be?

Carole, I'm going to kill her.

Oh my, you did get out of bed
on the wrong side this morning.

She's having an
affair with Gordon.

- Surely not!
- That's why I am here,

to make sure they don't
get up to anything.

No I can't believe it.

She sent him a love letter, it
was pure filth, she had the

nerve to send it to our house.
It came this morning.

Oh Mrs Brittas, I'm devastated.

Not half as devastated as
that cow is going to be.

This is a trust exercise,
it's all about cooperation.

Get partnered up.

Tim, I suppose I can trust you.

Carole, you can do it with me.

Mrs Brittas, I would be
honoured if you would do me the

honour of trusting
me in this exercise.

Later we will talk about why
you chose the person you chose.

Why don't we talk about it now.

No one chose me.

-You can team up with me.
-Oh thank you.

Right, one of you will wear the
blindfold and be unable to see,

the other will wear the ear
protectors and be unable to

hear. It's about cooperation and
getting back through the trees

to the land rover.
Get kitted up.

Which shall I wear?

You better wear both of them,
I've got to stay alert,

there's someone
out there you know.

Is this team building
through fear again?

No, this is fear.

Okay everyone, lets go.

Right, follow me Carole.

So shall I lead
the way Mr Brittas?

No Carole, I'll lead the way,
this is a trust exercise,

you've got to trust me.

Come on Colin, we are
going to follow them.

He's dragging her
off into the woods.

I'm not letting them
out of my sight!

Right you are Mrs Brittas.

Are we going to start?

I didn't sleep a wink last night
after all that rock business,

it was dangerous you know.

Well I think it's stupid
to make us frightened,

and it was dangerous,
you are right.

I said it was dangerous.

I was just agreeing with you!

Talk to yourself,
oh for God's sake!

Have we started yet?

You see Carole, when you are
deprived of one of your senses,

the others are
automatically enhanced.

My hearing is now
super sensitive.

-Yes Mr Brittas, but you...
-Sshh, sshh

No extraneous noise Carole,

I'm listening for the
metallic clicking sounds

made by the cooling
engine of a Land Rover.

- There it is.
- SCREAM

Oh Mrs Brittas,
how can I help you?

You are going to die.

Is that you my angel.

I'm sorry Mrs Brittas, I didn't
hear what you just said.

Oh this is ridiculous,
oh dear me.

Is that you Mrs Brittas?

SCREAM

Don't distress
yourself Mrs Brittas,

all marriages have
their ups and downs.

Well done, over here!

Do you know what
that was Carole,

the sound of a passing squirrel!

Well what a successful day, not
only did Carole and I win the

race, but I was first
across the rope bridge!

It is not a
competitive exercise,

it's a team building exercise.

Exactly, I'm just saying I am
the best at team building.

It was absolutely terrifying,
the rope bridge collapsed, just

as I was about to get on it.
I could have had an accident.

It wouldn't have
been an accident,

it's the same as the boulder.

What boulder?

The one that almost killed us Mr
Brittas. It missed me by inches.

Shame.

Mrs Brittas you didn't
really try to...

No, no you wouldn't.

BRITTAS: I didn't see a boulder.

You said it was a
squirrel Mr Brittas.

What, a squirrel that
nearly killed us?

Colin tried to kill me.

No, no, I thought
you were Mrs Brittas.

So you tried to kill me?

No, I didn't try to kill
anyone. Nor should you!

It's me they are trying to kill.

You what?

The Iraqi's,

maybe even our side.

I've been expecting
it, I know too much.

Military secrets, over
ten years in the SAS.

There's someone out
there trying to kill you?

There's always someone
out there trying to kill you.

Are you listening Carole!

You people are safe, I'm the
target but I can handle it.

I know 97 different
ways of killing people.

Can you teach me some of them?

He's very good isn't he,
he's really got you going,

I could almost smell the fear.

That could be me Mr Brittas,
haven't changed my socks.

97 different ways of
killing people, naaah!

I've just thought of number 98.

The name of the game is?

Survival!

Living off the land,
working as a team. Phone!

-It doesn't work.
-Just give it to me.

In there's everything
you need, map, compass,

survival blankets, two tents.

For the next twenty four
hours you are on your own.

Come on, kitted up.

I'm not going, I'm not going,
there's a maniac out there.

Tim, we are better off out there
Captain Brown's the target,

if he's not with
us we'll be safe.

I will meet you at the
rendezvous point, Felin Bog...

-Right.
-Marked on the map.

I suggest you camp there,
everything else... improvise.

Remember your
training and you'll survive.

I wouldn't count on it Carole.

Mrs Brittas?

On Snowden, no one
can hear you scream.

Mrs Brittas please!

Carole, I'm disappointed in you.

Sorry Colin?

Can't you keep your
hormones under control.

Mr Brittas, it's out.

What is Colin?

You and you know
who... I know you know!

What?

We all have juices Mr
Brittas, even I have juices,

but I have learned to control
them, well, most of them.

I'm not following this Colin.

You're a very handsome
man Mr Brittas.

Are you feeling alright?

Like a young Errol Flynn, who
wouldn't fall in love with you?

Power is a great aphrodisiac,
but I beg you to stop it,

give it up, stop it
before it's too late.

You're walking a dangerous path.

She's on the edge!

Which way now?

Due west please.
Straight up that hill.

Come on.

I think we're lost.

Good, then Captain Brown
wont be able to find us.

If there is a madman out there
trying to kill him, if he's not

with us, then we are safe.

- Aagghh!
- Timmy!

Come on, let's keep moving, stop
hanging around at the back.

-Oh, that's cold.
-It's supposed to be.

Do we have to stay here
for 24 hours Mr Brittas?

I'm getting frightened!

It's alright Carole, you
are perfectly safe with me.

That trap was set deliberately,
he could've killed me you know.

Probably by a hunter Tim,

these mountains are
teeming with wildlife.

This is a hunter's
paradise.

Wild boar, red
deer, mountain hare.

Can I tempt anyone for
a spot of water rat?

That's disgusting.

I've had my fill of rats.

Mr Brittas, we ought to go
back, it's not safe out here.

Naaah, bit of a problem Gavin.
You see, we are here at

Trabignog Point, and there's
no stream marked on this map.

But we are sitting
right next to a stream.

Precisely Gavin,
the map is wrong.

Mr Brittas may I have a look?

Oh Carole, what would
be the point in that?

Well I've got geography A-level
Mr Brittas, I got a B, and I got

a distinction for my project
on the River Darling.

Don't call him
darling you bitch!

I thought we were supposed
to be working as a team.

Shut your face!

Surely if Carole
really does know...

Gavin, you keep out of this,
you don't know what's going on.

and will everyone
try and remember,

this is the season of good will!

You tried to kill me yesterday.

Excellent!

Everyone is making a
contribution,

we've done the forming, now
we're storming, soon we will be

norming and performing.

Right, by my calculations,
we are here, and

the rendezvous point is there,
which means, yes, a hundred and

forty two miles to do before
tea. Best get started.

Come on, lets see those
happy smiling faces please.

Well, at least it's not raining.

THUNDER

COLIN: Do you know...

earlier on Mr Brittas, I
actually thought we were lost!

Did you Colin?

Especially when we found that
dead sheep for the third time.

When they all sat down and
refused to follow you a step

further, they were all
united weren't they.

They were working as a team.

Which is just what you intended.

Yes.

Marvellous, how you made
them use their initiative

and ignore you completely,
was a master stroke.

Well of course I knew...

Everyone pulled
together, and here we are

at the rendezvous point
earlier that expected.

Just keep digging Colin.

Right you are, just set
up the latrine first eh!

Which is where my travel
trowel comes in handy.

I always carry it
about my person.

Oh, I seem to have hit a natural
fissure in the rock Mr Brittas.

One banana, two banana,
three banana, four banana...

PLOP

four banana's to
the plop Mr Brittas.

That's about a hundred
and thirty feet deep.

That should see us
through the night.

BRITTAS: Can we
really eat this Colin?

COLIN: Absolutely Mr Brittas.

This looks like
some kind of root.

Yes it is Gavin, I think it's a
member of the swede family.

I found it when I was
digging out the latrine.

Are you sure these aren't
poisonous Mrs Brittas?

Just get them down you Carole.

How can you eat when there
is a psychopath after us?

No there isn't Tim.

I can't take much more of
this, it's just terrible.

It's the most ghastly
Christmas I've ever had.

Really Tim, I'm quite
enjoying it, but then again,

I always enjoy Christmas.

I remember some
of the Christmas'

I had as a boy, marvellous,

We had good food
all the year round,

but at Christmas, we
were all allowed seconds.

And then, on Christmas Eve when
Father Christmas came, he left

all of us a special
present, it was a Satsuma.

I always hoped it
would be a bike,

I'd always wanted a bike, but
I was really grateful for a

Satsuma, Satsuma's were hard to
come by in those days.

And then one year, one Christmas
Day, the house mother came to

me, and she said, Colin,
come outside, and I

went outside, into the snow,
and guess what was there?

-A bike.
-No, a satsuma.

But there were tyre marks in it.

What's that noise?

Oh, that'll be Captain Kipper B,

he's a bit early
for the rendezvous.

No it isn't. That's not him!

We are all going to die!

Hello, Dial a Pizza, a pizza
for a Mrs Brittas of Felin Bog.

That's me.

That'll be L5.50
then please.

We don't get a lot of call for
pizza's up here at Felin Bog.

Mind you, not a lot of
people come up here,

- the bogs quite dangerous.
- Where is it exactly?

- Over there's Felin Bog.
- Welsh name is it?

No, it's English.

It's a bog see, and
lots of people fell in.

Cheerio then, enjoy your meal!

God I'm starving.

What's this?

What's it look like,
it's a pizza isn't it?

I phoned up earlier.

That's my mobile phone,
where did you get that from?

Nicked it out of the Land
Rover, it's flipping useless!

It only worked for about
ten minutes earlier on.

You could have phoned for help.

I don't need any help for
what I've got planned.

Helen, I forbid you to eat that,

this is a survival exercise,
and that is cheating.

Oh and you know all about
cheating, don't you Gordon.

Helen, as your husband and team
leader I insist that you spit

out that Quattro Staggione.

BRITTAS: You heard what I said.

What was that?

An olive stone, come on, you
can do better than that Helen,

I want anchovies and pepperoni.

Oh, the noise.

It sounded like a scream.

It was more like a waaah,
waaah, probably an owl,

I'll go and have a look.

Oh no!

Oh dear!

Captain Kipper B Brown.

Mr Brittas, can I have a word!

-They've got him.
-Who?

Captain Brown, whoever was out
to get him, they've got him

they've dumped his
body in my latrine.

Can I have your attention
please every one.

I'm afraid we've got
a bit of a problem.

SCREAMS.

ALL: Silent night, holy night,
all is calm all is bright,

Actually it is fairly bright,
I'll be able to lead you all

back to Llanwyled House soon.

We lost the map in
the fire Mr Brittas.

- LINDA: And the tents!
- Yes, alright.

Mr Brittas, why can't we wait
for Captain Kipper,

he should be here
now, why is he late.

Well I've been thinking all
through the night, he's the one

who's been attacking us. He was
the one who set the trap for me.

He was the one who burnt down
the tents to see if we could

survive, he's not
late, he's out there.

He's both actually Tim

He's out there and he's
late, he's very late.

He is the
late Captain Brown.

Foully murdered and
shoved down the lavi.

He was dead before
the camp burned down.

- I'm too young to die.
- No you're not,

you're well
past your sell by date.

Helen, please.

Oh I see, you take your fancy
woman instead of me do you,

well that's it I've had enough!

Helen, you're not still
cross about that pizza?

Helen Brittas, I have a
shrewd suspicion that

something is wrong,
what exactly is it?

It's one thing having an affair,
but flaunting it in front of me

and the whole staff,
it's something else.

Err, run that one
by me again please.

Carole, your bit on the
side, I know all about it.

I opened a letter she sent
you. It was disgusting.

No, still not quite
au fait with this one.

This is what she wrote...

When ever I need a little prod,
your always there with your

great big rod. Once a
month with a little luck...

You'll come along with
your pumping truck.

That's amazing Mrs Brittas,
that's exactly what I wrote on

my Christmas card to
the boys at Dynorod.

In fact, that is my
card. Look, I signed

it there, C for Colin.

C for Colin.

On the front is a drawing of
a plunger in a holly wreath.

Is that what it is?

Where did you get
it Mrs Brittas?

I got it in the post,
I thought it was from...

COLIN: I must have put them
in the wrong envelopes.

If you'll excuse me, I
have to go and find the...

the other one's
occupied as it were!

So you haven't been unfaithful,

you're not having an
affair with Carole?

With Carole! Of course not,
what would I want to have an

affair with Carole,
I love you my angel,

I wouldn't have an affair
any more than you would.

Oh Gordon.

SCREAM

That sounded like Mr Brittas!

-Maybe they've got him.
-Oh I hope so!

Oh no they haven't.

Mr Brittas...

-Oh Carole...
-Keep back Mrs Brittas!

I'm really sorry Carole,

there's been a bit of
a misunderstanding,

I wont try to
murder you any more.

Oh thank you Mrs Brittas.

Merry Christmas.

I wish it was.

We should be at Whitbury
now, it's Christmas Eve.

PHONE RINGING

Hello?

Hello, it's Dial a Pizza
here, I'm afraid I forgot the

garlic bread, shall
I bring it up now?

No, but you can bring the
police, bring mountain rescue.

It's all right, everything's
going to be fine.

Oh thank you Father Christmas,
it's what I've always wanted.

They'll be here within the hour.

We are going to be safe,
we are not going to die.

Of course we are
not going to die.

MR NEWMARK: Oh yes you are!

Alas, the whirly gig of time
brings in his revenge

and now, you finally
get yours Brittas.

This time you won't escape.

Aagghh!

Oh, poor Mr Newmark.

He always was over the top.

Yes, now he's down
at the bottom.

COLIN: Mr Brittas, Mr Brittas..

Father Christmas has
brought me a bike,

nothing can spoil
my Christmas now.

Bad news I'm afraid Colin.

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