All language subtitles for National Lampoons Barely Legal KLAXXON

In high school, everyone's got
that one magic moment...

... when all the fears and insecurities
of being a teenager just vanish...

... and you're on top of the world.

It's like the planets have aligned...

... and everything you touch
just turns to gold.

And then there's this other moment.

Get in there.
Follow those plans.

That's right.

I'll never touch myself again,
I swear.

It's all a big...

Please, please, no.
Mommy, Mommy.

He's gonna... No!

- Oh, God.
- No!

Please don't kill us, Mr. Porno Man!

Relax.

We ain't gonna kill youse.

We're gonna cut off your balls.

This was unfortunate on two levels.

One, no one wants
to get their balls cut off.

And two, we hadn't even had
the chance to use them yet.

Well, socially, I mean.

High school is about being able
to make mistakes.

And when you're 17,
you screw up a lot.

But that's okay,
seeing as people expect it.

I mean, 99 times out of 100
they give you a free pass.

Well, this story is about
number 100.

Let me go back to the beginning.

Now, it all started
around my 17 th birthday...

... with our usual morning routine,
film appreciation.

Now, when I say film appreciation,
I mean film duplication.

You see, Fred borrows them
from his job at the video store...

... then Matt makes copies
of them at school...

... and I market them
to needy freshmen.

Oh, my God, it's so big!

Christ!

This is totally unwatchable.

This is really shoddy work.

And, jeez, look,
the boom mike is in the shot.

What the fuck?

Why do they always
show the guy's face?

Because we're better looking
than that guy...

...so we should be able
to get chicks hot as her.

- How the hell do you know?
- It's a basic rule of porno.

Let's get out of here.

Now, Dirty Darla No. 7
is a modern classic.

This is grade-A porn, my friend,
worth a lot more than $20.

Sweet.

Matt's an aspiring filmmaker.

At the moment,
he's underappreciated...

... and he gets pushed around a lot.

Especially in gym class.

But he's still trying to develop
his personal visual style.

Hand me my razor.

Sarah, I can see your panties.

Oh, my God,
it's that guy at the door again.

Busted.

Now, you could say
that Fred's problem is that...

... he can't get up the nerve
to talk to girls.

That test was so hard.

Now, personally, I think it's
just a self-confidence issue.

One that he's working on
very hard.

Five, six...

... seven, eight times a day.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah!

That's me, Deacon Lewis.

To understand why I led us
down the wrong road...

... you have to imagine what it's like
to be a 17-year-old guy...

... with only one thing on your mind,
all day, every day...

... but to have absolutely
no way of getting it.

- We're all sitting here.

That your parents have signed
your permission slips...

...to attend my
sexual-education course.

I think we will begin
with hormones.

Hey, where'd they
get a picture of me?

- I can see by your tittering...
- Did you hear about Rachael?

...that a lot of you are uncomfortable...
- What happened?

- John Baldwin nailed her.
...with the male organ...

...the penis.
- Rachael Unger?

Yeah. It was at Richard Rosenblatt's
party on the weekend.

- Half of you have one.
- It was in the bathroom.

The other half of you
have a vagina.

Mr. Lewis.

Would you like to join us?

Thank you. Back to the breast.

I absolutely refuse to believe it.

Rachael told me she wasn't ready,
but she did it.

With him.

Look at her face.

I was fed up with losing out,
and something had to be done.

See that?

- Can we get a ride?
- Yeah, sure, where you going?

Yeah, let's go!

That should be us.

That's not gonna be us.
This year, next year or any year.

- Ever.
- Why not?

All you gotta do
is follow the simple lessons...

...of Tony Montana in Scarface.

Oh, good movie.

First you get the money,
then you get the power...

...then you get the women.

- Word.
- Word.

So we're gonna become
Cuban drug lords?

The porno-pirating operation
is bringing in plenty of money.

Once I get my new car
for my birthday tonight...

...we'll have the power
to go where we want.

And then there's nothing stopping
us from getting the girls.

Bye, sphincter.

You know what?
Nothing's gonna change, Deacon.

You'll still be the kid who
shit his pants in fifth grade...

...and no one will ever
let you forget it.

It was a stomach virus, asshole.

Happy birthday!

It's that new computer system
you've been talking about.

Art, why did I wrap it?

I'm sorry, honey. I got excited.

Don't you like it, honey?

Yes, I do, I do. It's just...

- I'll take it.
- Max.

We'll take it back
if it's not the right one.

No, Dad. No, no.
I don't know, I...

I guess I just thought you guys
were buying me that car I wanted.

Car? Why do you need a car?

Son, you don't need a car.
You can borrow the minivan anytime.

Right.

Tom Cooperman's parties
were legendary.

But in the five, six years he was at our
high school, he never invited us once.

Coop, what's going on, man?

Can we come in?

No, actually.

We're having a s�ance, man,
and everybody likes to keep it chill.

If you don't believe in the dark powers,
then you can't come in.

- Wait a second, man.
- What?

It's my birthday today.
So cut me a little slack, all right?

It's your birthday?

You guys, my best friends are here.

Come on, man.

Hey, Stephen, looking good
in that grey sweater, man.

Thank you.
Doing a great job, boys.

Look what I have.

Look at that dude.
I fucking hate him.

All right, have a good time, man.

- All right.
- And wear a rubber, dude.

Like he'd know
what to do with a rubber.

Oh, my God. It's Naomi.

Yeah, she looks good.

Oh, no.
Beer-foam moustache.

I'm gonna go talk to her.

What have I got to lose?

- Jesus, Fred.
- Your dignity, God!

Don't talk to her. Please.

Naomi.

- Hey, Deacon.
- Hey.

- Where's Jake?
- Like I care.

You mean you're not going out
with him anymore?

- Duh.
- Freakon, hey!

- What's up, Naomi?
- Hey.

Come on, Naomi.
I'm going to the pool.

Talking to Deacon.

- Whatever.
- Whatever.

- Whatever.
- Whatever.

Yeah, whatever.

Asshole.

Whatever.

You realize how long it's
gonna take to save up for a car...

...selling pornos at $20 each?

- What?
- There's a small problem.

What?

I got fired yesterday.

All right, Russ caught me
and went berserk.

It was crazy. It was like
some sort of sting operation...

...he'd been planning for months.

You're kidding me.
Tell me you're kidding me.

I'm not kidding you.

And now I gotta work twice a week
at my dad's office, he's so pissed.

See, see, I told you this
Scarface plan was stupid.

This is great.

So now not only do we have no car,
no girls, we also got no money.

- And no porn.
- Shit.

Tony Montana would be pissed.

Stop right there. Stop right there.
Stop right there. Stop right there.

- Not for monkey boys.
- Goddamn it.

Your dad really knows his firewalls.

Hey, asshole,
don't just come barging in here.

We could have been naked.

Shut up and listen to me.

I figured out a way to get back
on the Tony Montana track.

So I'm at the zoo today...

People, people.

Witness the miracle of nature
at its most primal.

And these monkeys are doing it.

They're going insane.
And Ms. Ariel is videotaping it.

- Of his engorged penis,
the male deposits his seed...

...and moves on.

Probably to a younger,
more desirable female.

One who doesn't have any issues.

Whatever that means.

And that's when it hit me.

Incoming.

Well, Roger, actually.

A little help?

- What?
- Let's make one.

- One what?
- A movie.

Oh, that's great. That's perfect.

I've already got an idea for, like,
a sci-filhorror kind of thing.

It's like The Jetsons
meets The Shining...

No, you moron.

- A porno movie.
- Oh, even better.

Yeah, and here's the best part.
I got an angle.

What kind of angle?

We can make pornos
that cater to guys like us.

- You mean virgins?
- Exactly.

Adult films made
by virgins for virgins.

Well, here's a question.

How are we gonna get the women
to star in the film?

And the guys?

That's simple.
We'll surf the Net or something.

We could figure that out.

Then...

- What's so funny?
- It was...

It was too much, man.
I couldn't...

Oh, you're funny.

I'm serious about this.

We can't make a porno.

Deacon, do you have any idea
how much trouble we would get in?

Do you have any idea
how much money we'd make?

- Like how much?
- How much?

Enough to buy a car.

Enough to get more camera shit.
Enough to take out girls.

Enough to do whatever
the hell we want.

Well, what about
the moral implications?

It's a free-market transaction
between two consenting aduIts.

What's the problem?

Hello? We're not aduIts.

He's got a point, Deacon.

You just don't get it, do you?

If we make this movie...

...this year could be
the best year of our lives.

We go in boys,
and we come out men.

But you know what? You two losers
would rather sit back and play it safe.

Well, I'm not waiting on you, man.
I'm not wasting another minute.

I'm making this movie,
with or without you.

And when I show up at school
in my new set of wheels...

...do you know what I'm
gonna have to say?

Sorry, guys. That ship has sailed.
You blew it.

- That was a great speech, Deacon.
- Thanks, Matt.

Did you work that out before?

No, Matt.

Okay, so let's say that we were
actually going to do this.

What would we call our company?

I know.

After School Special.

- Hey, Vic.
- Hey, Darla.

How you doing?
Ready for number eight?

Sure, just give me
a couple of minutes.

It was great, Vic, huh?

Some good action.
Nice arc there at the end.

- Thank you very much, Mikey.
- No problem.

Hey, buddy,
let me ask you something.

I want you to be
completely honest with me.

Sure, Vic.

- You think I'm too fat?
- Are you kidding?

- I know I've put on a few pounds...
- Vic, the camera loves you.

- Seriously?
- Absolutely.

Hey, thanks, buddy.

All right.

Thank you, seriously.

- Sure.
- I needed it.

Dr. Jablowma.
Dr. Heywood Jablowma.

Please report
to the emergency room.

Dr. Heywood Jablowma
to the emergency room.

We need two forms of ID
to prove she's over 18.

How much money do we need?

Well, a first-time porno actress
makes only 250 to 500 bucks.

That's it?
Does that include the sex?

Yes, Matt.

We're not supposed to have
sex with them, are we?

No, Matt.

Fred, your father wants you
to take these urine samples to the lab.

Okay, in a minute.

We also need an adult signature to
set up the bank account and website.

- Let's use Principal Taggart's name.
- You're a genius.

That'll never come back to haunt us.

Then whose name are
we gonna use, huh?

I'm Ronald Greitzer,
here for my 4:00 appointment.

He's got a rectal exam.

It's worse when he sleeps.

He does a lot of night scratching.
I try to prevent it.

- Don't be embarrassed about it.
- Oh, don't forget your sample jar.

Go get your stool jar.
I'll be over here.

- No.
- Why not? It's perfect.

My dad's got
Mr. Greitzer's signature...

...his credit card number,
his Social Security number.

And he'll never find out?

It's not like we're sending him
our annual report.

It'll be like an official name of record
or something.

Code blue.
Crash cart to the specimen room.

Greitzer it is, then.

And we need porno names.

What do you mean?

It's a basic rule of porno.

All people affiliated with
the production of an adult film...

...have porno names so their friends
don't recognize them.

Oh, you mean like
Johnny Hardmember.

Exactly.

Hey, that's a good one.
I'll be Balls McLongcock.

You guys are dorks.
Those names are for the actors.

You're jealous because you don't
have a cool porno name.

Exactly.

All right, fine.

Then I'm Sam Slam.

Yeah. Sam Slam, the Backdoor Man.

- That name sucks.
- You don't get it, do you?

A porno name needs
to be a very subtle thing!

Sorry, Balls.
I guess I'm a little new at this.

Yeah, and you're funny too.

I say we make him from Hawaii.

Do you know what a Hawaiian
driver's license looks like?

- No.
- Exactly.

Won't it seem a little suspicious?
Like, why are we in Cleveland?

Vacation.

People from Cleveland
vacation in Hawaii.

Where do you think
people from Hawaii go?

Aloha.

Mom, can I use the car?

Deacon, I have to go
to the video store later. I'm sorry.

Mom, you said I could use the car,
but it's never free.

Okay, Deacon,
I'll walk to the video store.

- Where you guys going?
- Out.

How come you boys
are dressed like Don Ho?

Because, Mr. Lewis,
this is the new style.

- Yeah, for ass wranglers.
- Max.

Ass wranglers.

All right, boys,
let the wrangling begin.

Are we really gonna do this?

Oh, yeah.

IDs.

Oh, Richard Runningbear
from Hawaii.

Okay, well, have a good time, guys.

Oh, and, hey, guys?

- That's a nice lamination job.
- Oh, thanks.

You don't understand.

We have to get into
this strip club tonight.

The next two years
of high school totally depend on it.

We've got cash.

Have a good time, guys.

Hey, what'll you boys have?

Two-drink minimum.

I'll have a Scotch,
straight up on the rocks.

I'll have a 7 and 7.

Same for me. Thank you.

What the hell is a 7 and 7?

I have no idea.

But I heard the guy
over there order one...

...and I like the way it sounds.

Numerical.

Do you want a dance?

No, thank you.

I need to go to the bathroom.

- How about you buy me a drink?
- Okay.

Seven and 7.

Want mine?

What brings you boys
to the Pretty Kitty?

Well, actually, we're filmmakers,
and we're here looking for new talent.

- Really?
- Really.

- You interested or what?
- No.

But I do know someone who is.

Hi, I'm Ashley.

You guys the filmmakers?

Videographers, actually.

I wanted to shoot on film,
but these guys wouldn't let me.

All right, here's the deal.

We're paying top dollar here, okay?

Hetero only, no anal.

And we'll be distributing
through our website.

So?

Aren't you a little young?

No.

Well, aren't you,
is the question I have to ask.

I mean, we will need two forms of ID
to prove that you're over 18, so...

- I'm 18.
- Then you're hired.

- Shouldn't we audition her first?
- Shut up, Matt.

She's everybody's favorite
naughty schoolgirl.

Give it up for Ashley!

- Ashley, we love you...
- Call me.

Look, this is my picture
and this is my number.

When you're sober, call me, okay?

Bye.

Sphincter?

And cut.

Okay, people, reset
and we'll go again right away.

Nobody step in the lube.

Mike, I need to talk to you.

Okay, five minutes
and we'll go again right away.

I hear someone's been
muscling in on our territory.

Yeah, I heard that.
They're recruiting new talent.

Jimmy Rimmer says
they're from Hawaii.

Hawaii?

Why would someone from Hawaii
wanna come to Cleveland?

I don't know. Vacation?

It's Cleveland. Look out the window.

Hey, there's the
Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, huh?

Yeah, I guess.

What is this, F with Vic month?

If these goddamn amateur yabos
try to muscle in on my territory...

...I swear to God, I'm gonna go off.

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Who you gonna shoot?

I don't know. Everybody, nobody.
I don't know.

Calm down, Vic, huh?
I don't need you all agitated.

You still got five films
to star in today.

You're right.

Yeah, course I'm right.

Don't worry about it, okay?

We'll find these guys
and we'll take care of it.

- Good.
- Good.

- You hungry?
- Yeah, I could eat.

- Wanna grab some lunch?
- Sure.

- All right.
- Let's break for lunch.

Everybody, we're breaking for lunch.

- What are you guys doing?
- We came up with a great idea.

We're gonna presell copies
of the video on the website.

- Will that work?
- I don't know, but it's fun.

One thing, though,
I just thought about:

If our motto is
"by virgins, for virgins"...

...maybe we should put a picture
or something of one of us on the site...

...to sort of sell the image.

- You're not putting my picture up.
- Why? You're a virgin.

No, this is a good idea.

But it doesn't necessarily
have to be one of us.

I don't know.
Do you think he'll be mad?

What, are you kidding me?
He looks great.

He'll probably even get laid.

Deacon? Honey, are you in here?

Oh, hi, boys.
Look who's here.

Your good friend Jake.

Hi, guys.

Okay, boys, have a good time.

- Bye, Mrs. Lewis.
- Goodbye, Jake.

Good to see you.
Come again, okay?

I will, for sure.

What the hell's
going on here, sphincter?

What are you doing here?

No, no, no.
I saw the strippers drop you guys off.

We don't know
what you're talking about.

Oh, yeah, yeah?
Well, then...

Well, then, what's this, huh?

"'Oh, my God. There's a boy
at the door...

...looking at us naked in the shower.'

The AD Club secretary
lathers all of their glis..."

- Glistening.
- Shut up!

"Glistening bodies.

First girl: 'I'm so dirty.
Do me the right way,' she moans."

What kind of sick shit is this?
Are you guys..?

You guys running
a whorehouse or something?

- No.
- That is great writing. Are you crazy?

They're not whores
if we film them, idiot.

You retards are trying
to make a porno movie?

Hey, you can't prove a thing.

Yeah? Who's the girl?

A stripper. Her name's Ashley.

Shit.

Who's the guy?

You know,
because maybe I could...

Maybe I could do it.

- No, it wouldn't work.
- Why not?

It's harder than it looks. You need
concentration, stamina, girth.

What, you don't think I can do it?

Trust me, the Jake-meister's
nailed his.

Look, just forget about it, man. It's...

Listen here, you little fuck,
I wanna do it.

If you don't let me,
I'll tell your mom...

...what kind of sick shit
you're up to. All right?

- Come on.
- Oh, Mrs. Lewis!

Okay, fine, you can do it.

You'll need these.

That's what I thought.
I'll see you on set.

Bye, fucker.

In my basement, after school.

- Go up there.
- No, I'm not going up there.

- You go up there.
- Man, she's all alone.

- Will one of you guys go over there?
- I'm not going up there.

- Someone has to give her the scene.
- Yeah, and that person is you.

So go. You're wasting time.

Man, I'm really nervous.

What's he doing?

So I'll be directing.

Okay.

Okay...

I want you to play
this really understated.

It's a very visceral scene...

...so it's important not to play it
too over-the-top.

Hey, did you guys shave
or something?

Let's roll. Let's do this.

Come on, get the... Get the boom.

Okay, boom in position.

What?

What?

Get it in position.

It has to be closer. Get closer.

- What are you doing?
- Get closer.

Don't. Just give it.
What do you want?

- Get closer.
- Come on, man!

My mom gave me $30 for this boom,
and you just broke it.

- You're a disgrace.
- You make me nervous, man.

So, Ashley, could you take
your position?

Okay.

Are we really gonna do this?

Obviously, yeah.

Okay, so...

We're starting with the masturbation.

And then Philip the yearbook editor
is gonna surprise you.

Okay.

Okay, action.

These yearbook photos
of the Debate Club...

...are just making me so hot.

I can't help myself.

And, you know,
I hope nobody comes in...

...because I think I forgot
to lock the door.

- Camera rear, close-up.
- What?

Get a close-up.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

- Oh, God.
- Okay, cut.

Okay.

Did I do something wrong?

Oh, no. You were great.

I think I've got everything
I need there.

- Set up for Jake.
- I gotta go to the bathroom.

No, you're not, Fred.
Jake, you ready?

- Yeah, action.
- Okay.

Oh, my God.

What are you doing here?

I'm sorry.
Please don't tell the principal.

Give me one good reason
why I shouldn't.

- Cut. That was perfect.
- Yeah.

Why don't we move on to...

...the sexual material.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And action.

That's it?

It's not hard yet.

Oh, well, yeah, I can see that.

Shut up, man.

Ashley, maybe you could
help him out a little.

Yeah. Wait, what?

Okay.

- Oh, God.
- Wait, I'm not set up for that shot.

- God.
- Yeah, well, that's just not right.

- Oh, can I put the boom down now?
- I'm sorry.

- That's disgusting.
- I never do this.

I never do this.

- She got me too excited.
- What?

I got a problem, okay?

Is that what you guys wanna hear?

That I got a tiny pee-pee
and I'm a premature ejaculator, huh?

All right, okay, listen, calm down.
It'll be fine.

Not a problem at all.

We'll film it again,
and we can splice it together, right?

Yeah.

Well, we'd have to shoot it, like,
20 times to get enough footage.

All right, that's it, little fucks.

I'm out of here.

Quit looking at me.

If you guys tell anybody about this,
I'm gonna kick your ass and kill you.

Then I'm gonna rat you out.
Come on!

Now what?

Just one sex... Sec.

Deacon, you do it.

- What? Me?
- Come on, this is your big chance.

Give me a break.
Yeah, why don't you do it.

- Fred.
- What?

Come on.

You do it.

- I have to run the camera.
- Like you're the only one who can.

Oh, fine.

Fine, I'll do it.

I'll do it for the sake of the film.

- Matt, give me a... Matt.
- Matt.

- Put your shirt back on.
- Okay.

- There you go.
- God. Straighten up.

Okay.

You know what?

I say we just pay Ashley...

...and chalk it up
to a failed experiment, right?

- Fine with me.
- Yeah, me too.

No.

- We can find someone else.
- Who?

And we're gonna presell them
through our website.

So, what do you think?

You guys are gonna be
legends of the school, man.

Oh, my God.

I've got it.

Oh, my God.

- The Math Team captain.
- What?

The Math Team captain is in
detention for something, all right?

- For fixing grades for a girl.
- My God, that's perfect.

And the cheerleader's in there.

And she is going to get grounded...

...if she fails one more test.

- That's perfect.
- Okay, okay, so...

...she goes over to his house...

- And she's really, really hot.
- Really hot.

- Type that in. Type that in.
- Really, really hot. Hot.

All right, okay, perfect.
But he's bright.

She's not in calculus or anything.
She's like...

- Algebra.
- Algebra.

- Right, because she's a slut.
- She doesn't really...

So, what should we call it?
Like Orgasmic Equations?

I don't know. Make it...
Make it broader.

Twelve-Inch Ruler?

You're getting closer.

Slide-Rule Slut.

Slide-Rule Slut.
Slide-Rule Slut.

- Slide-Rule Slut.
- Slide-Rule Slut.

Oh, my God,
I gotta go to the bathroom.

Okay, I'll leave, you keep typing.

- Right, right, right.
- Oh, my God.

And he doesn't know what to do.

He's... He's...
It's strange. It's kind of foreign.

- Mr. Lewis.
- Oh, my God, are you okay?

- Yeah, thanks.
- Jeez.

I'm so embarrassed.

Well, I... I guess I should go.

Deacon, will you wait
while I change my shirt really fast?

Will you just turn around
and block me? Nobody will see.

Oh, my God.

So I haven't seen you
around school for a while.

Oh, yeah. You know,
I'm just working on this...

- This project at home.
- Cool.

You can turn around now.

Listen, Mark and J.T.
Are having a party tonight.

- Do you wanna meet me there?
- Really?

Why not?

Yeah. Cool.

- Watch out! Move!
- Clear! Clear!

Jerks!

And that's the history...

...of the blowhole.

Now, on to the sea lions.

Sea lions, as you will see,
are not really lions.

They have no fur, no tail,
and they do not live in Africa.

Deacon, Deacon.
Deacon, guess what.

- Guess what, man.
- What?

Our site got linked by another site.

Somebody read our stories
and liked them.

That's great. And?

We got a few more preorders
and a ton of hits.

- How many?
- Twelve thousand.

Holy shit. Nice.

Guys, we gotta hurry up
and make this movie.

I can't really do it tonight, guys.

Where are you going?

Naomi invited me to a party.

Can we come?

Yeah. Of course you can.

The thing is, I really want you to...

...but I was kind of getting this vibe
from her, you know what I mean?

Okay, we can just meet you there.

Sure. Sounds good.

It's at Mark and J.T. Slistak's house.

- So, what?
- Oh, no.

- Hey, guys.
- Oh, look who's here.

So I hear you guys are
working on a project together.

Yeah. Yeah, we are.

- But we can't really talk about it.
- Yeah, it's private.

Hey, guys.

Deacon, what's up, buddy?
Give me some skin.

Come on.

- What's up?
- You dumb shit.

Naomi, what are you doing
hanging out with this loser?

- What's your problem, Jake?
- What's yours?

Whatever.

Hey, what was that all about?

He really pisses me off.

Jake is such an asshole.

Tell me about it.

You know, when we were going out,
he was mean to me all the time.

Okay? I think he was
compensating...

...for his little penis
that never gets hard.

You were really smart to dump him.

And I'll tell you why.

Because you...

...you deserve someone that'll...

...treat you really well.

You know what you are?

You're a nice guy.

Deacon.

I've wanted to do that
for a long time.

So why didn't you?

- Do you have anything?
- Like what?

Protection.

No.

Hold on.

Here.

Do you want to?

Oh, of course. Yeah.

What's the problem?

It's my first time.

It's okay. Just go slow.

Okay, don't panic, don't panic.

What do I do?
I mean, what do I do?

I gotta think.

All right, now, I've seen porn.
I've seen lots of porn.

That's it.

I'll borrow a little scene
from Forrest Pump.

Yeah.

Then I'll take a little something...

... from American Thigh,
part one and two.

And then I'm gonna finish up
with some classic material...

... from Pulp Friction.

You know, it's true what they say.

It really does help
to have company.

I might have to have you tell me
you're a lesbian.

- What?
- Where the hell is Coop?

- What the hell is this?
- That is a special effect.

If you want this film
to look amateurish...

...find somebody else, because I...

What y'all talking about?

Come on, already.
Let's do it, all right?

Okay, places, please.

- And action.
- Watch your ass, man.

Oh, this summer tent-pole
blockbuster has me so scared.

Put your head in my lap...

...and I'll let you know
when the scary parts are over.

What are you doing?

Monster's coming out, baby, just...

Oh, God, this is bad.

- How's Naomi?
- Fine.

Oh, Jesus Christ, this is horrifying.

All right, be honest with me.

Do you ever think that we've gotten in
a little over our heads with all this?

Oh, goddamn it,
here comes the monster.

Fire! Fire!

What are you doing?

Get the fire extinguisher.

We're all going to die!

Clear!

I can't believe this.

Are you okay? You okay?

- What is going on here?
- You okay? You okay?

Nice rack.

Mom, Dad,
what are you doing here?

Well, Max sprained his wrist
at soccer practice.

- What's going on here, Deacon?
- Wait, wait, honey.

I'm sure that Deacon's
got a pretty good explanation...

...why there's a very beautiful,
naked girl in our kitchen.

- Well?
- Well...

I'm Deacon's girlfriend, Ashley.

- His girlfriend.
- His girlfriend?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, my girlfriend.

Well, what are you doing
in my kitchen...

...without any clothes on?

Oh, well, we were having
a make-out party.

Make-out party?

That's great, where's the other girls?

Oh, their...

...dates stood them up.

Yeah, theirs did, mine didn't, man.
Mine got sick, she had to go home.

Mine has mono from
too much making out with me.

- What's that smell?
- We had a small fire, Mrs. Lewis.

I tipped over a candle.

It was to set the right mood.

- A fire?
- Oh, no, Dad.

Allow me to take responsibility.
I'd feel better that way.

We can... We can pay for it.

I am really sorry, Ashley.
I just didn't know he had a girlfriend.

Would you like to stay for dinner?

- Oh, no, no. Ashley has this...
- Okay.

Great, I'm Art.

Okay, okay. Do you have a shirt?

- Yeah, of course.
- Yes, she's got this robe.

Yeah, she's got a shirt in here.

Kids.

So get this,
Johnson comes in and he's like:

"Where are the MB-90s?"
I'm like, "You gotta be kidding me.

We discontinued the MB-90s,
like, six months ago."

And they think he's the genius.

Johnson sounds
like a complete moron.

Exactly.

Ashley, I have
a personal question for you.

Exactly how old are you?

Well, I'm 19,
but I tell people I'm 18, right?

Eighteen, I... Isn't that funny?

I've got it, I've got it.
Don't worry, don't worry.

More sausage, Art?

I'm on a diet. Put that down, son,
before you hurt yourself.

- What are you doing here?
- I thought I'd come by and say hi.

Maybe we could hang out
in your bedroom.

Oh, God, now's not a good time.

- What's wrong?
- Well, nothing. Nothing at all.

- It's just... Let me talk to you later?
- Deacon?

- Who is it?
- Hi, Mrs. Lewis, I'm Naomi.

- This is Naomi, and she's my good...
- Girlfriend.

- His girlfriend?
- Deacon has two girlfriends?

- I'm gonna break your other arm, Max.
- What do you mean?

Deacon's other girlfriend
is having dinner with us.

Oh, God, I can explain.

Naomi, this is
Deacon's other girlfriend, Ashley.

- Hi.
- Oh, my God.

How old are you, you slut?

Eighteen.

I thought you were a nice guy.

Hey, hey, let her go.

Let her go? Are you insane?

That's Naomi Feldman.

I've been fantasizing about her
since I was in the seventh grade.

Well, fantasy and reality
are two different things, Deacon.

Don't fall in love with her
because of who you think she is.

Make sure you fall in love
with the... Like, the real deal.

- All right. So, what should I do?
- Whatever.

So she's a porno actress
in your porno film...

...and she pretended
to be your girlfriend...

...because she ran upstairs naked
because the light caused a fire...

...and you've never had sex with her
and you've never kissed her?

Yeah. Pretty much.

So I guess this means
you're not my girlfriend anymore.

Not necessarily.

I wanna come to set tomorrow.

No, no, no.

Why not? I'm curious.
I wanna see what this porno looks like.

I'm sorry, but you can't.
There's just no way.

Matt and Fred will kill me.

I'm not supposed to be
telling anyone.

Just tell them I'm creative consultant
for the female point of view.

No offense...

...but the female point of view
doesn't matter in these movies.

- Okay, okay.
- Okay.

- Okay, fine.
- Thank you.

- All right, everybody.
- Hey, Vic, you gotta see this.

This After School Special shit
is amazing.

They get a ton of hits
with their stupid stories...

...and they don't even have
any product.

It's the same guys
from the Pretty Kitty?

It's the same guys.

Bingo, I just found out
where they live.

- Give me their address.
- What are you gonna do?

Give me the address.

I'm gonna teach those assholes...

...something about
the adult-film business.

Goddamn amateurs.

- Think they can screw Vic Ramalot?
- Are you ready?

- I'm ready.
- We gonna do this?

- Let's do this.
- Let's do this.

Hello.

Is you Greitzer?

Yes, that's me.

Ronald J. Greitzer?

Actually, it's "Ronald," but yes.

I get it. Brilliant.

You ain't even a goddamn kid,
are you?

Get in the house!
Come on!

What are you doing?

What am I doing?

I'm putting you in retirement from
the porno business for good, hear?

- Yes.
- No more school-girl fantasies.

No more goddamn pornos
by virgins, for virgins, you got me?

- Please don't hurt my husband.
- What..?

I'm sorry, I'll never rent them again.

It was only that time
my wife was at her sister's.

Please, I promise.

You rented a dirty movie?

You told me it was Jakob the Liar.

What? I shouldn't be entitled to
a little joy in life?

Look at all the trouble
you've brought into this house.

Ronald, you are a pervert.

Excuse us.

- I don't think that was him.
- What the hell was that?

I'm sorry, that was the address
on the site.

- A bunch of 9-year-old girls in there.
- I know. I'm sorry, Vic, I'm sorry.

Jesus. You see that cake?

- It was a good cake.
- It looked good.

Was it ice cream?
Chocolate ice cream cake?

- Let's get one.
- All right.

It's super easy. Camera right is left,
and camera left is right.

There's a line that we can't cross,
you understand?

We can't cross the line.

What is she doing here?

Naomi is my girlfriend.

- Excuse me. Can I talk to you?
- Yes, Fred.

Fred, Fred, Fred.

Naomi can give
a female point of view...

Shut up. What are you doing?

Didn't you see
that Beatles documentary?

You're pulling a Yoko Ono on us.

A what?

All right, fine.

You know what?
I'm sorry I said anything.

I'm sure it's gonna be great, all right?
Let's just get started.

She's gonna be really helpful.

- Well, hey, Naomi.
- Hey, Coop.

- What, are you helping these guys out?
- Sort of.

- Okay, people. Places, everybody.
- What the fuck?

Let's try to do this
with a little feeling, okay?

Hey, Coop.

And action.

This quadratic equation is so hard.

Maybe we should just stick
to the long division.

Cut. This is all wrong.

She would not be fantasizing
about some geek.

He's not a geek,
he's the Math Team captain.

No, he should
be really well-dressed.

And maybe he's a foreign-exchange
student from Portugal.

Okay, nobody told you this,
so it's not a big deal...

...but nobody calls "cut" but me!

Who cares, Naomi?

Deacon agrees with me.

Guys, can we get this done today?
My balls are freezing.

Shut up, Coop, this is important.

- Oh, and my balls aren't?
- Jesus.

- Jesus.
- God.

- Oh, shit. I'm sorry.
- I think you broke my nose.

- I'm sorry, baby.
- You know what? This is ridiculous.

I mean, who does a dress rehearsal
for a porno, anyway?

Sure. Why don't we just throw
the script out while we're at it...

...and improvise.

Guys, I appreciate this.

I appreciate getting money
for doing absolutely nothing.

But this is my career,
and I have no footage for my reel.

Whatever.

- Ashley, listen...
- I'll kill you, Deacon.

- Baby.
- Don't forget your pom-poms.

- Ashley, hold on.
- Where are you going?

- Come here, Ashley.
- Where are you going? Come on.

Oh, great. That is just great.

What do we do now, huh, Deacon?

- Your girlfriend ruined everything.
- Wait a second here.

If you guys knew anything
about women...

...we wouldn't have this problem.

- But you don't.
- Who asked you?

Whatever. I'm out of here.

- Come on, Deacon.
- Yeah. Get out of here.

- Leave already. Go!
- Are you coming, Deacon?

Okay, here we are.

Wait a sec. What are we doing here?

Oh, I thought you might want
some new clothes.

I really don't need new clothes.

I gotta meet up with Matt and Fred.
I already blew them off yesterday.

Deacon, you don't have to hang out
with those boys anymore.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second.

I just thought we could
spend the day together.

What about Matt and Fred?

What about me?

What are you wearing?

I'm wearing a sweater. Why?

- Matt and I have been talking.
- Okay.

We wanna make this movie.

Yeah, dude, obviously. So do I.

No, Deacon.

We wanna make this movie
we wrote...

...without you.

I know what this is about.
It's about Naomi.

By virgins, for virgins, remember?

As soon as you got what you wanted,
you blew us off.

Come on, man.
You don't understand.

Do you even like her?

Fine. Do it without me.

Fine.

Fine.

Deacon.

Rachael?

- How are you?
- Good, good.

How was France?

It was so fun.
We just got back yesterday.

The school totally screwed up
my schedule.

How's John Baldwin?

Who told you about that?

Everyone knows.

Everyone's a liar.

I didn't do it with John Baldwin.

You didn't?

It's not like how it was with us.

But as soon as you got what
you wanted, you blew us off.

Do you even like her?

It's not like how it was with us.

I don't know, sometimes I feel like...

...the whole world is just passing us by
and we're just sitting still.

And like...

I don't know.

Anyway, I'm sorry.

Well, you know,
you can be a real dick sometimes.

All right, so now what?
Do we make this thing?

I don't know.

- Maybe we should just call it quits.
- Hey, guys.

Oh, Ash, hey.
What are you doing here?

I need you.

What?

I need you to make this movie.

For my reel.

Well, actually, we were just
talking about...

You have an eyelash, Deacon.

Make a wish.

Testosterone is a drug
more powerful than heroin.

And girls know it.

They use our obsession
against us...

... to get flowers and class rings
and commitments.

And in Ashley's case,
full-length adult videos.

But, come on, if she hadn't
come back, we could have stopped.

But we were weak.

At that moment, if Ashley would've
asked us to jump off a bridge...

... as I'm sure you can guess,
we would have done it.

We had to finish the film.

So I've been thinking about
getting into films.

Any tips on how I can break in?

Not really. Acting classes, I guess.

Really? I didn't think
there was much...

...you know,
acting in those sorts of films.

I guess it kind of depends.

So you think you can get me
an audition?

For what?

How long have I been
cutting your hair?

I don't know. Since I was like 8.

I know who you are.

Don't worry,
your secret's safe with me.

Come on. I just wanna
just make one film.

You know, just to see what it's like.

That's great,
but how can I help you?

I get it.

You do for me, if I do for you.

That's how it works. Okay.

This is it.

This is the magic hour.

The high school prom.

But let's remember
what's really important:

The transition of the moment.

Like, we've all, you know,
for instance...

...we've all read The Metamorphosis
by Franz Kafka.

Yeah, dude, my mom has that book.

Let's see that, up here and in here.

Action.

Ira, I have something to tell you.

What is it?

This prom is making me so hot.

I think I'm ready to lose my virginity
to you tonight.

- Action.
- Oh, Ira.

I...

Guys, this is like Nickelodeon
with penises and vaginas.

- Did I sound stupid?
- It was great.

- Let's just get naked and get it on.
- Okay.

Round two.

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

Action. More like an animal,
like an animal.

Okay, all right, next setup.

My dress is ruined.
Is that okay?

What are we going to do now?

Oh, yeah.

I'm going... I'm going hand-held.

Oh, it's so good.

Oh, just like that.

Oh, good. Oh, yeah.

What are you doing?

It's a basic rule of porno,
you gotta be sweaty.

And action!

What?

But, teacher, I...

Hold on.

- It was a queef.
- Are you..?

- She queefed.
- That's disgusting.

I had the shrimp salad last night, man,
and, look, I told my mom...

- Are you just about done?
- Yes.

Pick up where we left off.

- That's what I'm saying.
- Action.

- Oh, my God.
- Warn us next time.

You know, this ain't easy, dude.

I got people I don't even know
bouncing up and down on my stomach.

You know what? Lunch.

We're over schedule,
we're overbudget...

...so put everything aside.

We take that fine bridgework
of gossamer and silk.

No questions?
All right. Let's do this.

And action!

Vic, here you go.
About your account...

- Talk to Mike.
- No, it's good. Have a good day.

Dave, a kid on the phone
wants to set up a new account.

- For what?
- After School Special.

I'll get you a form.

What did you say?

Well, no, this is for
another customer.

- Did you say "After School Special"?
- Yeah.

I'm gonna get some pasta,
some sauce, some cheese...

...put it in there,
mix it with these bastards' nuts...

...and make balls lasagna.

- So?
- How does it look?

Well, I cut together some footage
to give to Ashley for her reel...

...but I don't think I can
finish this movie.

- Why not?
- I can't even watch it.

Every time I turn it on, all I can think
about is Coop farting all day long.

- That was pretty gross.
- That's just it.

The movie looks great,
but seeing all that other stuff...

...all that disgusting, nasty stuff...

...that's what's taking all the fun
out of it.

And I just...
I don't wanna do it anymore.

Great. I knew it.

I knew you couldn't handle this.

- Take it easy, Fred.
- No, shut up, Deacon.

I knew, when it came down to it,
Matt would wuss out.

You know what? Fuck you, Fred.
You're the wuss here.

At least I don't whack off
when I see a girl in the hallway.

- Shut up, man.
- No, you shut up.

For once in your life, be a man
and admit this movie was a mistake.

- Hey, why don't you make me, huh?
- Hey, hey, hey.

Matt's right.

This movie was a mistake.

What are you talking about?
This whole thing was your idea.

If you didn't like making the movie,
why didn't you just say something?

I don't know. I thought you guys
were having fun.

I didn't wanna be the wuss.

We convinced Matt to finish
the movie. We had orders to fill.

But after that,
we promised ourselves...

... we'd shut down the website
and get out of the porn business.

We weren't gonna let life
pass us by anymore.

So we did what any self-respecting
teenager would do.

We threw a bitchen party!

- Hey, guys.
- Ashley.

- Hi, how's it going?
- What's up?

- Hey, baby.
- Hey, Ashley.

This is such a great party.

- Well, thank you.
- I have the biggest news.

So I sent my reel to Vivid...

...and they wanna fly me and Coop
to L.A. To talk about a contract.

Get out of here.

- I know.
- Hey, congratulations.

Thank you, sweetheart.

- Deacon, we need more ice.
- Hey, that's me.

- Hey, I'll see you guys later.
- Okay.

So, what's going on, guys?

- Can I ask you a question?
- Yeah.

He wanted to know, actually,
if we'd ever get girlfriends.

In a couple of years, girls are gonna
be dying to meet guys like you.

- I told you.
- Yo, Fred, Matt.

Hey, guys. Great party.

Yeah.

- God, you're looking good.
- Hey, hey.

He looks great.

We should have put
my picture up there.

- Or mine.
- What's he got in those pants?

How's Naomi?

I don't know. Good, I guess.

I thought she was your fantasy girl.

Yeah, she was.

But I don't know,
at the same time...

...it wasn't like it was
with Rachael and I.

- We connected.
- You're gonna dump her.

You're breaking up with me?

Can we still have sex?

Naomi, listen.
Listen to what I'm saying.

Deacon, the only reason
I went out with you...

...is because I thought
you were a nice guy.

And now you wanna
break up with me?

Yeah, I guess so.

- If you tell anybody about this...
- I won't.

I have a reputation.

Jeez, you can tell people
you dumped me if you want.

- Really?
- Sure, what do I care.

You are a nice guy.

Just do me a favor and don't tell
anyone about the movies, all right?

Excuse me. Ladies and gentlemen.

These sick little shits right here...

...are pornographers, man.

No, they're perverts, right, Deacon?

They make porno movies
in their basements.

Jake, you better give it a rest, buddy,
because no one's listening to you.

Oh, really?

Shit-pants.

You know what? I bet I know
someone who might believe me.

Your parents.

The website's in
someone else's name.

All of our files are encrypted.
There's nothing tracing it to us.

Well, I guess it's a good thing...

...that I took the tape of Ashley
masturbating in your basement, huh?

Once your parents see
what kind of sick little movies...

...their good boy Deacon's making,
they might be kind of mad.

- Did you make copies of that tape?
- Hell, no.

So you sent the original tape
to my parents?

Yup.

- Hey, Jake.
- What's up?

You're a real dick.

You should probably avoid
pissing her off.

Noted.

Guys, we got a problem.

Not so... Not so fast, ladies.

Which one of youse is
Balls McLongcock?

- Nice name.
- Thanks.

Too bad you're not gonna be able
to use it anymore.

- Who the hell are you, man?
- Who the hell am I?

I'm the competition.
Who the hell are youse?

Come in to my town?

Pay the ladies
twice what I pay them?

This After School Special bullshit
is cutting into my business.

So now I'm gonna put youse
out of business.

Get in the car!

So here we are back at the beginning,
hanging from meat hooks.

But now we were boys
who'd become men...

... and real men just
don't scare that easy.

- Anything but my balls!
- Start with this one.

Me? Why me?
It was all Deacon's idea.

First I'm gonna kill you!

No, no, no. Do Deacon.
Please, it was all his idea.

Even better.

Let's get the leader.

Quit squirming, kid.
It hurts worse when you struggle.

We've got preorders!

- What?
- We presold copies of our video.

How many, 50? A hundred?

63,212.

- That's a lot of product, Vic.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We got orders from all over the world.
I swear, all over the world.

We'll give you the website
if you let us go.

Cut them down.

- So, what's your cut?
- Absolutely nothing.

- Except...
- What except? There's no except!

Except you promise to supply us
with quality porn...

...free of charge.

It could come in handy, I mean...

...until we get girlfriends.

- And...
- What? No, Matt!

And you promise to maintain the
vision of After School Special.

And what, pray tell, might that be?

The key is...

...to try to remember what it was like
before you had sex.

What did you used
to fantasize about?

A math teacher who bends over
a little too far?

The door of the girl's locker room
open just a sliver?

Going over to your friend's house
and catching his mom...

...walking out of the shower?
- Dude!

- Not you, Deacon's mom.
- Oh, have I been there.

- Guys!
- All right, deal.

I'm gonna need those master tapes.

Kid, you ever need a job,
give me a call.

Come on, come on, come on.

Thanks, Mr?

Ramalot.

Vic Ramalot.

- Good name.
- Thanks.

- Vic, you okay?
- Yeah, I'm all right.

- I'm good, I'm good.
- Come on.

It's me. What's the matter?

That damn kid.

He reminded me...

...of the way I was
when I was his age.

Vic, come here.
Let it out. Let it out.

Come on, you okay?

Yeah, yeah.
I'm good, I'm good. Thanks.

- You hungry?
- I could eat.

- Grab a bite?
- Yeah.

Honey, did you go through
the mail today?

Not yet.

I'll go get it.

- Hurry, hurry, hurry!
- It's a minivan, Fred.

It won't go any faster.

Come on, you drive like my grandma.

What are you doing?
We don't got time...

Stop sign, man. I'm not about
to lose my license over this.

Looking for something
in the mail, Deacon?

No. I just...

Maybe something you didn't
want us to see?

Mom, Dad...

- It's too late, Deacon.
- If you'd just wait a sec...

We just want you to know how
deeply disappointed we are in you.

- I can explain.
- You can explain?

Well, explain it to me,
son, explain it.

Believe...
If you just give me a chance...

How in the hell can you ever
explain this!

How did you manage
to get a C in biology?

You are a straight-A student, boy.

I knew we shouldn't have let him
have a girlfriend.

Let alone two.

Is that what this is about?

My biology class?

Mom, Dad...

...l'm 17.

I'm driving, I got a girlfriend.

But the fact is, you guys treat me
as if I'm a little kid.

Is it too much to ask for to be
a normal teenager with a normal life?

I don't like your tone, son.

I just wanna have fun
with my friends.

Okay?

Okay, then.

But make sure we don't get
a repeat performance in the finals.

I won't.

- What's up?
- What's going on?

They don't have it.

But neither do I.

- We don't have it.
- I don't know.

- Don't just stand there all the time.
- What are we gonna do?

Your parents are right there.

How much do you know?

Pretty much everything, Mr. Slam.

These are my demands.

Done.

- Did you know all along?
- Are you kidding?

Who do you think made
the first preorder?

Little bastard.

So, what do we do with this?

I have an idea.

You meet me right here, after school.

So I guess we all got
what we deserved, huh?

No money, no power, no women.

Tony Montana would be pissed.

Speak for yourselves, guys.

I don't know if we got
what we deserved or not.

Okay, probably not.

But Rachael dumped that guy
and we got back together.

We haven't had sex yet,
but somehow I'm okay with that.

You know, I don't think I wanna
rush it this time.

And even though we kept quiet
about the film, word got around.

And just like Coop said,
we became legends of the school.

And Fred finally learned
how to talk to a girl.

Hey, Fred. I hear you know a thing
or two about giving a woman pleasure.

No, I don't.

Matt knows a thing or two
about giving women pleasure.

I know everything.

We should go out sometime.

I knew you'd come around.

Maybe all four of us could go out.

Yeah. That could work, you know,
depending on my schedule.

- So call me?
- Oh, most definitely.

- Cool.
- Later.

Ladies, ladies.
What's up? All right.

- See you.
- Bye.

Watch where you're going, sphincter.

I thought I told you
not to call me that anymore.

That's right. I'm sorry.
What are you gonna do about it, huh?

Some people just never learn.

You know...

...you really shouldn't have
mailed that tape back to us.

- Attention, Wallies.
- What's that?

What is that, guys?

I got a problem.

- Nice work.
- Thank you.

- For real, what was that?
- I got a problem.

- What was that?
- I've got a tiny, tiny, tiny pee-pee.

Problem. She...

I got a problem.
I got a tiny pee-pee.

I never wanted it.

Tiny, tiny, tiny pee-pee, pee-pee.

Jake's a premature ejaculator.

People, premature ejaculation
is nothing to laugh at.

I'm gonna get you for this,
you little shit.

It's like I said in the beginning:

In high school, everyone's got
that one magic moment.

For us, this was it.

Don't ever say Vic Ramalot
never gave you nothing.

Thanks, Mr. Ramalot.

- Let's hit a drive-through.
- I could eat.

Oh, that's so good.
Oh, yeah, that... Just like that.

That's it. Oh, just like that.
That's it. Oh, yeah.

Boy, why do they always have
to show the guys' faces?

Oh, you know, it's so that guys will
think they can get girls as hot as her.

- It's the basic rule of porno.
- That's true.

Oh, my God!

Is that our basement?

Ripped by:
MaDMaXJP