All language subtitles for 10x02_track8_[eng]

D'oh!

'Scuse me. Pardon me. 'Scuse me.

- Hmm.
- Hey.

Hey, Springfield. If you're
driving, you may wanna sit down.

Uh-oh.

Because it's time for
Bill and Marty's 5:00 news "flush."

Our topless story-

President Clinton
has launched a new Web site.

Uh-oh. Wait. Let me guess. WWW dot-

dot-

"Web site."

Okay, here's another news "flush."

Doctors say the life expectancy
of the average man is now 76.2 years.

76.2? But I'm already 38.1.

I've wasted half my life.

Half my life gone and I'm only guaranteed
38 more years.

Marge, I've wasted half my life.

Sir, do you need a tow truck?

What are you talking about, Marge?
I don't need a-

Okay, send a truck.

- Oh. Hmm.
- Oh, honey. Don't eat that.

Wouldn't you rather have
your sugar bag?

No, I don't deserve sugar.

I'm halfway to my grave,
and I haven't accomplished anything.

Oh, I am not looking forward
to my funeral.

No, Homer wasn't a great man...

nor even an adequate man, and he
certainly never accomplished anything.

Uh, President Lenny,
you have anything to say?

- Nah.
- All right. Fair enough. Toss 'im in the hole, boys.

There goes a real sack of crap.

Indubitably, old chum.

Marge...

no matter what happens in the future,
promise me you won't vote for Lenny.

Okay, but you've accomplished a lot.

You've made me very happy.

Oh, yeah. They'll put me
on a stamp for that.

I've wasted half my life, Marge.

You know how many memories
I have? Three!

Standing in line for a movie...

having a key made
and sitting here talking to you.

Thirty-eight years
and that's all I have to show for it.

You're 39.

- Hi, Dad. How was work?
- Cold.

Come on. Let's get you
into your favorite shirt.

Surprise!

Oh. I see you're having a party.
I'll come back later.

You can't come back later because-

Homer Simpson,
welcome to your life.

To your life.

The kids and I wanna
show you all the great things you've done.

Oh, all right. Maybe I can pinpoint
where my life went wrong.

Quiet, Dad, or we'll
have to throw you out of here.

The pictures!
They're coming alive!

There you are in outer space.
That's pretty impressive.

Ah. All we did was grow some space tomatoes
and sabotage Mir.

'Member when you almost
became heavyweight champ?

No.

Finish him. Finish him!

Well, there's certainly
no greater accomplishment...

than fathering
three beautiful children.

Hike.

Oh, I should've punted.
Turn it off. Turn it off.

Hang on, Dad. This next part will definitely
make you feel better about yourself.

Hello, Homer. It's me, KITT,
from TV's Knight Rider.

Your family has asked me
to take time out...

from my busy schedule
to invite you...

to a very special-

Stupid movies.

Who invented these dumb things anyway?
Was it you, Bart?

- It was Thomas Edison, Dad.
- I thought he invented the lightbulb.

That too. He also invented the phonograph,
the microphone and the electric car.

No one man can do all that.

You're a liar, honey-
a dirty, rotten liar.

Finish her! Finish her!

It's true. I read it
on a place mat at a restaurant.

Really? A restaurant?
Well, now I don't know what to think.

Go.! Go.! Go.!

- Go! Go! Go!
- Top of the world, Ma!

Cut it out, boy.

- Dad, what are you doin' here?
- Readin' about this Edison character.

They won't let me
in the big people library downtown.

There was some... unpleasantness.
I can never go back.

Ooh. Look at all the inventions
Edison came up with.

The stock ticker...

the storage battery...

even wax paper.

And look at him dance.

That's great, Dad.

And these Hardy Boys books
are great too.

- This one's about smugglers.
- They're all about smugglers.

No, not this one: The Smugglers of
Pirate Cove. It's about pirates.

'Scuse me. Are you
a student at this school?

I think it's pretty obvious
that I am.

Go school!

So, this broad
stands up in the ocean...

and this big wave
knocks her bathing suit off.

Oh, yeah? And then what happened?

Omit no detail,
however small or filthy.

So anyway, and this is the part
you'll remember for the rest of your lives-

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Great story, Lenny.

But here's one
that's even more spellbinding.

Once upon a time,
there was a man named Thomas Edison...

and he invented the dictating
machine and the fluoroscope...

and the repeating telegraph.

And he was a firm believer
in Fletcherism...

and he played the organ
and his favorite flower was the heliotrope.

Oh, and his middle name was Alva...

and he never, ever,
ever wore pajamas.

Okay. I think we've been polite
long enough here.

- Lenny, what happened with the dame in the bathing suit?
- Huh?

Oh. Uh-

Oh, nuts. I forgot.

All I can think of now is Edison.
I can't even remember where I work.

Well, I remember where Edison worked.
It was Menlo Park.

That's where he came up with the tasimeter,
the ore separator and-

Uh, James Watt
invented the steam engine.

That's boring.
You're boring everybody.

Quit boring everyone!

And then he worked on a machine
to communicate with the dead.

Some kind of scary telephone, I guess.

- Maybe he planned to stick his head under the ground and yell.
- All right already!

Everyone knows
the man accomplished a lot.

Maybe because he didn't spend every
waking moment talking about Thomas Edison.

Oh, that's where
you're wrong, Marge.

He was a shameless self-promoter.

Well, you're not Thomas Edison.

Marge, that's it! That's why I
haven't done anything with my life.

I need to be
more like Thomas Edison.

Whatever.

And I'm starting right now.

No more lousy pajamas!

From this day forward,
I am an inventor!

Do us a favor.
Invent yourself some underpants.

Ah.

Well, I quit my job
just like you said to.

I didn't tell you to quit your job.

Yes, you did.
I remember your exact words.

You said I should quit my job and become
an inventor, or you'd torch the house.

That doesn't sound like me.

Well, I suppose if this doesn't work out,
you can always go back to the plant.

Not the way I quit.

Whoo-hoo.

At my age, Edison
had already invented 203 things.

Uh, I got a lot of work to do
to catch up to him.

Let's see now. Invention. Invention.

Hmm. Hmm.

Something electrical might be good.

Let me handle the creative
end of this, Marge.

- You don't understand how the creative mind works like I do.
- Oh?

You look at this table
and what do you see? Just a table.

Now a creative person like me
looks at this table...

and sees all kinds
of creative things, but no tables.

Homer, that's not a table.
That's our dryer.

My files!

Hmm.

Hmm. This isn't working.
I've gotta try a different approach.

Hmm. Hmm?

Hmm? Hmm?

You started smoking, Dad?

Yes. Thomas Edison
smoked several cigars a day.

- Yeah, he invented stuff too.
- Shut up.

As long as you're here annoying me,
let's have a brainstorming session.

And here's how it works. Lisa, you say
one thing, then Bart, you say another.

Just toss out things and
I'll use my inventive mind...

to combine them
into a brilliant, original idea.

Okay. Um-

- Automatic-
- Butt.

Okay.

- Fluorescent-
- Booger.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Wait a minute. These aren't exciting
new products. You're not even trying.

Okay, that's it. Both of you
go to your rooms and spank yourselves.

- Lazy father.
- Can't even spank his own kids.

Homer, you can't punish the children just
because you can't come up with an idea.

I don't see why not. They're my kids.
I own 'em.

- Okay. We own 'em.
- Hmm.

I brought you a tuna sandwich.
They say it's brain food.

I guess because
there's so much dolphin in it...

and you know how smart they are.

It's no use.

I can't work like this,
cut off from the scientific community.

You stay here and guard my sandwich.

And these should give you
the grounding you'll need...

in thermodynamics,
hypermathematics...

and, of course, microcalifragilistics.

Look, I just wanna know
how to invent things. Tell me.

Uh, all you have to do
is think of things that people need...

but which don't exist yet.

- You mean like an electric blanket-mobile?
- Uh, well, possibl-

Or you could take something that already
exists and find a new use for it. Like-

Hamburger earmuffs!

Uh, well, I suppose
that would qualify-

Thanks, sucker!

All right. Just stay calm, Frinky.

These babies
will be in the stores...

while he's still grappling
with the pickle matrix.

Okay. I have here
the four greatest inventions...

in the history of mankind.

First, my all-purpose
electric hammer...

for all your pounding needs.

Ow!

Probably needs to be more powerful.

I'll buy 10 of those right now.

Now, here's my
"Everything's Okay" alarm.

This will sound every three seconds...

unless something isn't okay.

Turn that off, Homer.

It can't be turned off.

But it, uh, does break easily.

Now this next one's for the ladies.

How many times have you gals been late
for a high-powered business meeting...

only to realize
you're not wearing makeup?

That's every woman's nightmare.

That's why I invented
this revolutionary makeup gun.

It's for the woman who only
has four-fifths of a second to get ready.

Close your eyes, Marge.

And now you're ready for
a night on the town.

Homer, you've got it set on "whore."

Uh, oop-Okay.

This time, try to keep
your nostrils closed.

Oh, look what you did.
Now I have to go get my cold cream gun.

Dad, women won't like
being shot in the face.

Women will like what I tell 'em to like.
Now here's something for everyone.

In the olden times, if you were
watching TV and nature called...

you'd have to get up
and walk to the bathroom.

It was the hardest thing
in the world to do.

But now, with the
Lazy Man Reclining Toilet Chair...

you can just lean back
and let 'er rip.

You expect people to go to the
bathroom in their living rooms?

Sure. Believe me, every man in America
will want to have one.

- Gangway! Gotta poop.
- No, Bart!

- Homer, all these inventions, they're-
- Yes?

- Oh-They're not very-
- Yes? Yes? Yes?

- They're terrible.
- What?

I'm not saying
you're a bad inventor.

I'm just saying these particular...
inventions are awful...

and no one in their right mind
would buy them or accept them as gifts.

But this is the best I could do.

I guess I'm no better at being Thomas
Edison than I was at being Homer Simpson.

Oh, dear. I hope
I wasn't too rough on him.

Somebody had to tell him, Mom.
In the long run, it's much kinder to-

Do you mind?

All week, my lifelong dream was
to be the next Thomas Edison...

but now it's over.

I guess I'll just give up
my hopes and dreams...

and settle for being
a decent husband and father.

- Homer!
- Dad!

Huh?

- What happened? You didn't fall.
- Oh, that.

I stuck a couple extra
legs on there...

'cause I kept tipping over
when I was trying to invent stuff.

They're on hinges.
That's really ingenious, Dad.

- It could save lives.
- Really? You think it's a good idea?

Oh, yeah. Safety sells,
especially to lame-o's.

- I'd buy one.
- Me too.

I did it! I'm gonna be rich!

Look, Mr. Edison.
I did it! I'm an inventor.

And I owe it all to you.

See? It's just a regular chair...

but I attached
a couple of extra legs to the back...

kind of like the ones
on the back of your-

Oh, damn it!

Hey, Dad. Heard you swearin'.
Mind if I join in? Crap, boobs, crap!

I thought I had a great idea...

but I must have seen it
on this poster.

If Edison thought of that chair,
how come it's not on this chart?

It's not? Maybe he never
told anyone about it.

- That chair might be the only one he made.
- So?

So, we've got to go to the Edison Museum
and smash it!

Then I'll be an inventor.

- But I thought you loved Edison.
- Ah, the hell with him.

Yeah! Hell, damn, fart!

Taking Bart cross state lines. Back soon.

I took your wallet.!

Oh, I just mopped that driveway.

Man, I can't wait
to smash that chair.

Oh, Son.

You're young and headstrong
just like Thomas Edison Jr.

You know, he started a mushroom farm
and an auto parts company...

and he sold his good name
to a quack medicine company.

Oh, and later he raised turkeys.
That was on his turkey farm.

Hmm.

Mmm. Mmm.

Stop, Homer!

By smashing my chair,
you're only hurting yourself.

I'll get you, you fat lunatic!

Uh-oh.

All right! The museum's still open.

Why don't you like Edison that much?

Hey, folks. Do you like riddles?

Okay, then.

How many geniuses does it take
to invent a lightbulb?

Just one: Thomas Edison.

That's very good.

And that's true too.
It's funny and true.

Now behind that door is
Edison's actual preserved brain.

Ordinarily, folks, tour groups are not
allowed to see it...

and, of course, today will be no exception.

Now no tour would be complete without
a visit to Edison's boyhood gift shop.

Now let's take care of business.

Out of the way.

This is one invention you're not
getting credit for, you inspiration hog.

Your electric hammer, maestro?

Invent your way
out of this, Edison! Hmm?

Hmm.

Look, Son.
Edison was just like me.

You mean the wild mood swings?

No! We both lived
in another man's shadow.

This old-timey nerd and I have suffered
the same frustration and heartache.

We're not rivals.

We're just a couple of dreamers
who set the bar a little too high.

- I can't destroy your work, my friend.
- Can I?

No, but we'll stop off at the da
Vinci museum on the way home.

Uh, I think that's in Italy, Dad.

Oh. Well, then we'll take it out
on Eli Whitney.

Authorities say the phony pope...

can be recognized by his high-top sneakers
and incredibly foul mouth.

In other news, Thomas Edison,
the greatest inventor of all time-

is apparently still inventing...

despite the notable handicap
of being dead.

That's my Tommy!

Two new Edison creations
have just been discovered in his museum.

A six-legged chair that won't tip over-

and even more astounding,
an electric hammer.

That was your idea.

This brilliant innovation is
expected to generate millions...

for Edison's already-wealthy heirs.

Dad, those should be your millions.

I gotta admit, Homer.
You're takin' this pretty well.

Let's just say
I'm sitting in the right chair.

Shh!