All language subtitles for family.guy.s19e05.720p.web.h264-cakes

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

God, can you believe that
Trump hung himself in prison?

I know! And that Chris Christie
lost all that weight.

He still looks terrible, though.

(knocking)

- Oh, hey, Joe.
- Hey, Peter. If you have a sec,

there's something
I want to talk to you about.

PETER:
Oh, boy, this is it.

He wants me to have sex
with Bonnie.

Now, remember, Peter,
you can't say yes right away.

You let him talk you into it.

He's watching for that.
It's part of the dance.

I will absolutely have sex
with Bonnie.

JOE:
Sorry, Peter, you're too eager.

So, I came over to invite you

to Susie's christening
this weekend.

- Oh.
- And I don't just want you
to be a guest.

I was wondering if you'd
be willing to be the godfather.

- Godfather?
- Yeah, you're my best friend,

and, well, I'd like you to be
Susie's godfather, too.

- Godfather II?
- Wow, you're really warming
to this.

Well, you've made
two very compelling arguments.

Perhaps we should discuss this
further in my poorly-lit den.

So, about this offer...

What are you guys discussing?

And when did we get a den?

Sorry, Lois,
half of being a godfather

is closing the door
in your wife's face

while she wonders
what's going on inside.

But I just wanted to...

PETER: I forgot
it was a swinging door.

(bell tolling)

(Italian accent):
DiGiorno. DiGiorno.

Joe Paterno.

DiGiorno.

Damn it, Peter,
being Susie's godfather

doesn't mean you're in the mob.

And you can't bring a cat
to church.

Why not? He's Cat'lic.

(cat snickering)

(giggles)
He does a Muttley laugh.

Where's the priest?

Oh, the church ran out
of priests months ago,

'cause of all the diddlin'.

Now they just have a rabbi
fill in.

Shalom, everyone.

Welcome to the christening.

Now, before the child
goes in the water,

has it been at least 20 minutes
since she ate?

- Yes, Rabbi.
- Wonderful.

Then let's dunk this kid
like a doughnut.

I hereby christen this child
in the name of Jesus Christ,

who was killed
by we-don't-know-who,

it's not important.

The last thing we want to do
is point fingers...

Can you please take my daughter
out of the water?

Sorry.

Congratulations, sweetie,
you're a Christian.

From now on, every Sunday
you get to eat a hard cookie

and pretend it's a guy.

♪ ♪

Coffee in the smallest cup
we have, as you requested.

- Grazie.
- And let me assure you,

any shouting you hear
from the kitchen

is not Gordon Ramsay
tearing us apart.

GORDON RAMSAY:
Oh, disgusting!

- (dish shatters)
- Scusi.

Oh, God, here comes Doug.
He just got a race car bed,

and now I'm gonna have to hear
about it.

Hey, Stewie.
Still sleeping in the slow lane?

(forced chuckling)
Okay. Okay.

So, your mom still taking you
to the ladies' room

- to go pee-pee?
- Actually, yes.

Yeah, me, too.
I don't like the men's room.

All the urinals
are at mouth level.

I don't look at those.
I'm too busy fixing my hair

in the mirror...
Oh! I'm sorry.

Ciao, Stewie!

God, that was humiliating.

This party
has turned south quick.

Like Bryan Singer's remake
of Casablanca.

Here's looking at you,
actual kid.

Everyone,
I'd like to say a few words.

Uh, it's a very special day,

as we dedicate Susie's life
to Christ

before she can consent to it

or have any conception
of what's happening.

Susie once licked a booger
off my hand.

- I'm Chris, by the way.
- Thanks, Chris,

but let's wait
till we're called upon, bud.

Anyway,
thank you all for coming.

And to the host.

Joe, thank you for having us
in this restaurant

with a painted wall
that makes Venice look terrible.

OTHERS:
To Joe!

Everyone, enjoy.

Uh, for the kids,
we've got games

and also a party princess
dressed as Elsa

who's clearly a prostitute,

but please
don't proposition her here,

just nod in her direction--
trust me, she'll get it.

It's her profession.

Oh, cool, they got a piñata!

- Peter, it's for the kids.
- Like hell it is.

I'm the godfather of this event,

and I want a debilitating
wine-and-candy headache.

Give me that, kid.

I'm your son, you dick.

Sir, please,
you're making a scene.

No, I'm not.
I can do whatever I want.

I'm the godfather.

Uh-oh.

I'm-a so sorry, sir.
I didn't know.

Stanley Tucci.

Bobby Cannavale.

Hey! Portuguese waiters
pretending to be Italians!

Get the godfather
whatever he wants!

- Godfather?
- There's a new godfather?
- Aw, look at the wall.

Why does Venice
always look-a so terrible?

From now on,
you eat on the house.

You will be treated with
the utmost respect, Godfather.

Grazie. Now please name the
menu item I ordered after me.

The dinosaur chicken tenders?

All right,
we'll find something else.

Thank you very much.

Hear that, Doug?
My dad's now the godfather.

And yours is...

VP of Systems Integration
or something?

What was that, Stewie?

I was invited to sit
at the first grade table.

What?!
How'd you get that invite?

Big D energy, Stewie.

You either got it or you don't.

Oh, yeah?
What does the "D" stand for?

- Divorced?
- (others gasp)

- Wh-What?!
- Stewie, my parents are trying
to make it work.

- Gee, Stewie.
- They're doing their best.

He ended things with the nanny.

Not that it's any
of your business.

Oh, yeah.
Uh, g-g-g-good for them.

Gene and Sheryl
are wonderful people.

I-I hope they make it work.
Good vibes. Healing.

G-G-G-God bless you all.

God, I can't believe Mike Pence
came out of the closet

just before he hung himself
in prison.

- Bon Jovi, family.
- Morning, Dad.

Are things gonna change
now that you're a godfather?

Good question, Chris.
And yes, quite a bit.

I'll be touching faces
a lot more than I used to.

My boys. My bambinos.

No touch.

And I'll be totally oblivious
to the affair

between my bodyguard
and my wife.

You look very nice today,
Vincenzo.

Hey! She gave you a compliment.

What, do you got cotton
in your ears? Answer her.

Yeah, meathead.
What's with this guy, Pop?

And as a mafioso,
I'll be doing more voice-overs,

which will always begin
by naming everyone at the event.

- What does that even mean?
- PETER: There we were
- at breakfast.

It was me, Chris G.,

Meggs, Lois Griff,

Little Stew

and Uncle Junior Grandpa Nephew

who was my cousin.

It was one of those breakfasts
where you realize

you put on your boxers
the wrong way

and you need an excuse
to leave the room.

- We're out of syrup.
- I'll get it. You stay here.

And will you be
a stricter dad now?

Interesting question.
My value system

will vary wildly
between incredible immorality

and intense social conservatism.

Dad, there's a shipment
of heroin in our driveway.

- Excellent.
- I watched a PG-13 movie
last night.

In your mother's house?

Now, everyone keep eating
until you throw up.

What's this? As a leader
in the Italian community,

I'll be getting very upset
about store-bought pasta sauce.

Peter, what the hell?

That was our Prego.

Yeah, and prego means
"you're welcome."

It's a very cocky name
for an average pasta sauce.

The rest of this is just jokes,
but that's kind of a good point.

Now, kids,
before you go to school,

let's discuss what you tell
your friends about me.

That your fingernails
are so filthy

because you do scratchers
all day?

Never talk
about the family business!

Things are too hot here
for you now.

You need to go to Italy
for five years.

- What?!
- You're not safe here anymore,

so I'm gonna send you where
all the murderers are from.

♪ ♪

(gasps)

A questo brajola
que facia te di.

Rudy Giuliani.

Antipasti di Miguel Corleone
a Sicilia di movies!

Mario Batali el gropo
Buca di Beppo Ford Coppola.

♪ ♪

Ooh! Aah! Mama Mia!

Check it out.
Like all cool mobsters,

my office is at a strip club.

Yeah, but why's it
in a male strip club?

Are you kidding?
Dingaling's is great.

Now, just watch
where you hang your hat.

'Cause of boners.

Now, you three are gonna be
my lieutenants.

And don't worry,
you're all equal in my eyes.

I don't care one bit
if you laugh at my jokes.

I mean, this is the Mafia,
not the Laugh Factory, right?

- Ha! That's hilarious.
- Quagmire is now
my top lieutenant.

What?! You said we don't have
to like your jokes.

Well, I didn't realize
it was such a chore.

This is bullcrap.

And, Joe, you're a cop-- how
are you okay with any of this?

Are you asking an Irish cop
why he's corrupt?

Question withdrawn.

So, uh,
what do we do now, Peter?

Well, now that
we're a Mafia crew,

I have to do voice-over
naming everyone

- at the event.
- What does that even m...

PETER:
There we were at the club.

It was me, Glenn Quags,
Joey Swan

and Downtown
Julie Cleveland Brown.

You remember when there were
two Julie Browns in the '90s?

What a mess.

♪ ♪

With the guys at my side,

we were the most powerful
criminal organization in Quahog

We lived like kings,

until things started
to come apart

after the Lufthansa heist.

We discussed laying low, but
not everyone agreed with that.

Be careful with this.

We stole it.

Hey, Brian, just a heads-up.

Now that
I'm an Italian mob boss,

I may be treating dogs
more roughly.

Uh, okay.

Now, where's my chicken parm
from last night?

Oh, I, uh, I ate it.

- You ate it?
- Yeah, there was no name on it.

It was just sitting there.

Is there a problem?

No. No.

No problem.

(engine starts)

(grunting)

LOIS:
Peter, I'm home from the market!

I got steak sandwiches
on ciabatta.

Oh, that's way better
than chicken parm.

I'm gonna have it
with my last can of cream soda.

Uh, actually,
I finished that, too.

That's okay, Brian.

Let's take a ride and
get some at the grocery store.

Pull over here.

I got to take a leak.

- (gunshots)
- (horn honking)

Leave the gun.

Take the cream soda.

What's going on in here?

Even since Dad became a mobster,

he's been giving me a ton
of Italian children's books.

Green Eggs and Pancetta;

Horton Hears a Yo;

Good Night, Mooks;

and Where the Wild Things Is.

- Stewie, this is ridiculous.
- It's not all bad.

I like having those
Stella D'oro breakfast cookies.

Oh, I ate those, sorry.

Ah, no problem, Brian,
no problem at all.

Hey, what do you say you
and I do a little fishing?

(gunshot)

Peter, I just got a call
from the school.

When is Chris coming back?

Not for a while.

He moved in with his girlfriend.

But, apparently,
they hit a rough patch.

(door opens)

(both laugh)

Good news, guys.
I'm fixing the Olympics.

I paid a diver to take a dive.

(phone rings)

What do you mean he won?

You know, Peter, you've been
a mobster for a while now.

I'm surprised we haven't had
any run-ins with rival families.

What are you talking about?
They love me.

Like, look at this, this
morning, totally unprompted,

they sent me
a lovely wrapped fish.

What?

Peter, do you know
what this means?

Yeah, that they're nice guys.

Yesterday, one of them even
drove by my house to say

I had a beautiful family
and it would be a shame

if anything happened to them.

And that's a compliment
and empathy.

When's the last time you guys
said something like that?

- Uh, Peter, I'm not sure you...
- And look at this.

They found Meg's ear
and returned it.

They returned it!
You know how many guys

would keep something like that?

Peter, please close the box.

I think you need to get wise
to what's going on here,

because their next message
may not be so subtle.

♪ ♪

(screaming)

There it is.

I've been looking for that.

Oh, thank God,
the Mafia doesn't hate me.

"You's dead, fat ass.

Love, the Mafia."

(gasps) Oh, my God.

The Mafia does hate me.
(grunts)

MOBSTER 1:
Lenny, what are you doing?

I already threw the rock!

MOBSTER 2:
I wanted to throw the rock.

We talked about this--
you wrote the note,

- I throw the rock.
- So let me get this straight--

I do the homework
and you get to throw the rock?

- I played baseball in college!
- Junior college.

MOBSTER 2:
The coach from University of
Vermont invited me to walk on!

MOBSTER 1:
I didn't even know
you liked chucking rocks.

MOBSTER 2:
Who doesn't like chucking rocks?

I didn't get into the mob
to write letters.

I did it to chuck rocks
and eat sandwiches out of foil.

MOBSTER 1:
Hey, that actually sounds
pretty good.

You want to go get a sandwich?

MOBSTER 2:
Sure, from Big Sal's
or Fat Sal's?

MOBSTER 1:
What's the difference?

MOBSTER 2:
One's big, one's fat.
What's wrong with you today?

God, I can't believe Melania
was deported to Slovenia

and then hung herself
in a European prison.

Man, Peter, what are you
gonna do about the mob?

Don't worry, I got a plan.

I'm gonna hide
and change my identity

to a name no one else
has ever heard of.

Roberta Brown.

Peter, that's
my daughter's name.

No, it's just some girl
I follow on Instagram.

You know, Peter, there may be
a way out of this.

Cops have been trying
to bring down

the Rhode Island mob for years.

If you can schedule a meeting
to discuss your differences

and wear a wire,
we'll arrest them after.

Testify against the mob?

How dumb do you think I am?

(hacking)

- (gasping)
- Oh, my son!

I thought that hard-boiled egg
seemed a little shouty.

All right, I'll do it.

But, man, if I'm in danger,
so is Chris.

I better warn him
to be on the lookout.

(cheering)

La dolce vita de duay que
questa di Beverly Hills BMW.

Ay!

Que cosa mi amor.

Italiana,
tu patri telefona Boyardee.

Grazie. Uno momento, Vinny
Testaverde con Carmine Ragusa.

Ciao, Francesco Di Napoli.

Tammy!

♪ ♪

Okay, Peter,
I'm gonna attach the wire now.

And I'm telling you in advance
that it's cold.

Aah! Oh, it's cold!
Oh, it's too cold.

- This is why I told you
in advance.
- It's too cold.

- I don't want
to do this anymore.
- Your body heat will warm it.

- I regret this decision deeply.
- Just let your body heat

- do the work.
- Oh, it's fine now.

See? That's the body heat.

Now, if you get into trouble,
department regulations say

we can't go in there
unless you say a code phrase.

Something that you'd never
actually say in conversation

so we know it's a signal.

The phrase is,

"Did you see
the new Paul Rudd movie?

It's laugh-out-loud funny."

Come on,
can't I just say "watchable"?

No, no,
you have to say it exactly.

"Heartwarming"? I-I mean,
I could just say "heartwarming."

Peter, the phrase is the phrase.

Now, you ready to meet
those godfathers?

I guess.

Wonder where the word
"godfather" came from, anyway.

I don't know. I assume
it started with God's father.

(phone rings)

- Yello?
- Hey, Dad, I wrote a big show,

and your grandson Jesus
is in it.

He's kind of the star of it,
really. Can you make it?

(laughs): Well, look at you.
I'm there, pal.

When is it?
When's the big show?

- It's Good Friday.
- Oh, don't say Friday.

Ah, I was afraid of that.

Well, there's kind of
a postscript to the story.

- Maybe you could catch that?
- Oh, you betcha, slugger.

- It's on Sunday.
- Oh, you're kidding!

Doesn't anyone do anything
on Tuesdays anymore?

Listen, I'm getting pulled
into this meeting right now,

but good luck with your thing.

I promise I'm going to be
so nice to my son.

♪ ♪

JOE:
Okay, Peter, this is it.

Hey, who are you?

Just act natural.
And even though you're miked,

try not to use
your radio voice.

(Rick Dees' voice):
Hey, Providence.

This is Peter Whirlybird Griffin

comin' at you
on a sizzlin' Sunday afternoon.

- Peter, no!
- Wait a minute.

You're the new don from Quahog.

Follow me.

We're glad that you finally
decided to play ball with us.

Let me introduce you
to the other dons.

Don Duck. Don Keykong.

- Don Amnesia.
- Forget about it.

- Don Omatopoeia.
- Bang.

- The Land Don Under.
- You come to me today,

on the day
of me daughter's barbecue.

Don Imus.

The Rutgers basketball team
is Black and disgusting.

That's a wrap for Don Imus.

Finally,
the scariest don of them all:

- Don De-Don-Don.
- Thank you.

I'd like to introduce you all
to my suspenseful son,

Don Don-Don...!

And-and the guy says, "Oh,
I thought you were complaining

about your angina."

- You never told us
a beginning to that joke.
- Oh. Sorry.

JOE:
Okay, Peter,
the meeting's almost over.

Just don't blow your cover,
and we're home free.

Hey, anybody want to do karaoke
after this?

Sure. I can use
the mic taped to my chest.

Peter, no!

Uh, the new Paul Rudd movie
is watchable.

I repeat, it's very watchable.

Damn it, Peter!
You have to say it exactly.

Fine. It's laugh-out-loud funny.

Freeze! You're all under arrest.

Good job, Peter.

♪ ♪

Freeze!

All right,
nobody do anything stupid.

H-Hold on,
I'm just allowing LinkedIn

to send automated e-mails
to all my contacts.

I said don't do anything stupid.

- (phone chimes)
- "Peter Griffin wants to add you

to his professional network."

Oh! Damn it, Peter!

Hands behind your head.
On the ground.

Aw, we're gonna die.

All right. So long, you two.

♪ ♪

(gunshot)

Oh, my God. Thank you.

Prego.

Well, turns out
being a mobster isn't for me.

Well, I'm just happy
you're home safe.

Me, too, Dad.

Has anyone seen
the rest of my white wine?

Sorry, Lois. I drank that.

Oh. That's fine, Brian.

Hey, what do you say you and me
go for a walk in the woods?

You know what?
This is kind of nice.

I thought you were gonna do some
kind of Godfather murder on me.

Oh, Brian,
I don't watch Mafia movies.

- But I did see Fargo.
- Huh?

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH