Original subtitles

WELCOME BACK FOR WHAT HAS BECOME ELECTION WEEK IN AMERICA. I'M WOLF BLITZER AND I'VE BEEN

AWAKE SO LONG THAT MY WEIRD STUBBLY BEARD FINALLY MAKES SENSE.

I'M JOINED BY JOHN KING, WHO'S BEEN OPERATING OUR TOUCH SCREEN

FOR THE PAST 85 HOURS. HOW ARE YOU, JOHN?

I'M, I'M GREAT, WOLF, THANKS. MY FINGERS ARE NUMB BUT I THINK THAT'S NORMAL.

FOR THE FOLKS AT HOME WHO HAVE OBSESSIVELY WATCHING CABLE

NEWS, WE'VE BEEN TEASING A BIG ANNOUNCEMENT AND TODAY IT'S FINALLY HERE.

CNN CAN NOW PROJECT JOE BIDEN WILL BE THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.

I KNOW I'M SUPPOSED TO BE A NEUTRAL NEWS ANCHOR, BUT GOOD

DAMMIT, THAT FEELS GOOD, WHOO! WE GO NOW LIVE TO

PRESIDENT-ELECT BIDEN WHO IS TAKING THE STAGE IN WILMINGTON, DELAWARE.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU. THANK YOU!

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, AMERICA. WE DID IT!

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? I HONESTLY KIND OF CAN'T.

IT'S BEEN SO LONG SINCE SOMETHING GOOD HAPPENED.

SURE IT TOOK FOREVER. WE KEPT EDGING CLOSER AND CLOSER.

IT WAS LIKE HAVING SEX WITH STING.

BUT WHAT A RELEASE, MAN. I'VE NEVER FELT SO ALIVE. WHICH IS IRONIC, BECAUSE I'M NOT

THAT ALIVE. AND LOOK!

AS I'VE SAID MANY TIMES, I DON'T CARE WHETHER YOU VOTED FOR ME OR NOT.

I'M GOING TO BE A PRESIDENT FOR ALL AMERICANS. THAT'S RIGHT.

WHETHER YOU'RE FROM A LIBERAL STATE LIKE CALIFORNIA OR A

CONSERVATIVE STATE LIKE OKLAHOMA, OR A CRACKED-OUT, HOT MESS LIKE FLORIDA -

I WILL BE YOUR PRESIDENT. AND I WILL HAVE AN INCREDIBLE VP

AT MY SIDE. SENATOR KAMALA HARRIS!

THANK YOU, EVERYBODY. LIKE JOE, I AM HUMBLED AND HONORED TO BE THE FIRST FEMALE.

THE FIRST - YES. THE FIRST BLACK.

THE FIRST INDIAN-AMERICAN.

AND THE FIRST BIRACIAL VICE PRESIDENT.

AND IF ANY OF THAT TERRIFIES YOU, WELL, I DON'T GIVE A FUNT.

ALSO, MY HUSBAND WILL BE THE FIRST SECOND GENTLEMAN, AND HE'S JEWISH, SO BETWEEN US, WE CHECK

MORE BOXES THAN A DISQUALIFIED BALLOT.

AND TO ALL THE LITTLE BLACK AND BROWN GIRLS WATCHING RIGHT NOW, I JUST WANT TO SAY THIS.

THE REASON YOUR MOM IS LAUGHING SO MUCH TONIGHT - IS BECAUSE SHE'S DRUNK.

AND THE REASON SHE'S CRYING IS BECAUSE SHE'S DRUNK.

YOUR MOM IS GOING TO SWITCH FROM LAUGHING, TO CRYING, TO DANCING

PRETTY MUCH ALL NIGHT. AND IT'S NOT BECAUSE SHE'S

CRAZY. IT'S BECAUSE SHE'S DRUNK.

TONIGHT WE'RE NOT GOING TO STAND HERE AND GLOAT. WELL MAYBE -

WE'RE NOT RUBBING OUR VICTORY IN EVERYBODY'S FACE. BUT LIKE JUST A TINY BIT?

WE'RE HUMBLY ACCEPTING THIS VICTORY. EXACTLY.

AND I'M JUST GOING TO PLAY A QUICK SONG ON MY PHONE. **

HOLD UP THERE FOR JUST A MOMENT.

BECAUSE PEOPLE JUST WANT TO SEE BIDEN AND KAMALA HAPPY. THEY ALSO WANT TO SEE TRUMP SAD.

SO LET'S CHECK IN ON THE PRESIDENT'S CONCESSION SPEECH, WHICH I'M SURE WILL BE GRACIOUS

AND FACTUAL. GOOD EVENING.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU FOR COMING TO WATCH MY VICTORY SPEECH TONIGHT.

AS ANYONE WHO DIED HALFWAY THROUGH TUESDAY KNOWS, I WAS RE-ELECTED PRESIDENT OF THE

UNITED STATES. BUT OF COURSE THEY'RE TRYING TO STEAL THE ELECTION AWAY FROM ME.

COME ON, LET'S HEAR IT. STOP THE COUNT! STOP THE COUNT!

WHAT'S THAT? I'M BEHIND? OKAY, THEN COUNT ALL THE VOTES!

EVERY LAST VOTE! WE ALL KNOW THIS ELECTION WAS

RIGGED. JUST LOOK AT THE MAP. THERE WAS NO BLUE WAVE.

IT WAS A RED WAVE ACROSS THE WHOLE COUNTRY. SHOW THEM THE MAP, KAYLEIGH.

SEE, SO MUCH RED, SO MUCH RED. SORRY, THIS IS THE COVID MAP. OKAY, THE MAP'S NOT

IMPORTANT, PUT THE MAP AWAY. NO ONE WANTS TO SEE THE MAP. THANK YOU, KAYLEIGH.

THE FACT IS, I WAS WINNING ON TUESDAY, THEN THEY STARTED WHITTLING AWAY MY VOTES,

WHITTLING THEM DOWN, UNTIL THERE WAS ONLY A WITTLE BIT WEFT.

BUT I VOWED TO ALL MY SUPPORTERS I WILL FIGHT THIS THING TO THE BITTER END.

I WILL NEVER GIVE UP AND NEITHER SHOULD YOU. HEY.

HEY. LET ME REMIND YOU, ALL OF YOU, WHO I REALLY AM.

** * HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY

MACHO MACHO MAN I'VE GOT TO BE A MACHO MAN *

* MACHO MACHO MAN I'VE GOT TO BE A MACHO MAN *

THIS ISN'T GOOD-BYE, AMERICA. I'M JUST GOING TO SAY, SEE YOU IN COURT!

WELL. WELL, UNLIKE PRESIDENT TRUMP, WE

DO ACCEPT THE RESULTS OF THIS ELECTION. WE'RE NOT MAD AT THEM.

WE HAVE TO ACT GRACIOUSLY IN VICTORY, THOUGH. WE NEED TO GO FORWARD TOGETHER.

UNFORTUNATELY, THERE ARE SITUATIONS IN LIFE, AND THIS IS ONE OF THEM, WHERE THERE MUST BE

A WINNER AND - A LOOOSSERRR! A LOOSSEERRR!

AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!

** Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY

Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE"! WITH-

AND YOUR HOST, DAVE CHAPPELLE! ** LADIES AND GENTLEMEN - DAVE

CHAPPELLE! **

THANK YOU. THANK YOU ALL FOR BEING HERE.

PRETTY INCREDIBLE DAY.

YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING ABOUT ALL DAY TODAY? THIS IS REALLY WEIRD.

FIRST OF ALL, I'M NERVOUS. I SHOULD TELL YOU THAT. YOU CAN'T TELL.

ALL INSIDE. I WAS THINKING ABOUT A PERSON I NEVER ACTUALLY MET.

BUT I HEARD ABOUT ALL MY LIFE. I WAS THINKING ABOUT MY GREAT GRANDFATHER, WHO APPARENTLY, BY

ALL ACCOUNTS, WAS A VERY GREAT MAN. HE WAS BORN A SLAVE IN SOUTH

CAROLINA. WAS A SLAVE FOR TEN YEARS OF HIS LIFE.

AND WHEN THE NORTHERNERS CAME DOWN, THEY STARTED EDUCATING SOME OF THE NEWLY FREED BLACK

CHILDREN, AND HE LEARNED HOW TO READ. BECOME A MAN OF EDUCATION AND

DEDICATED HIS LIFE TO THREE THINGS. EDUCATION, FREEDOM OF BLACK

PEOPLE, JESUS CHRIST. AME CHURCH. PRETTY AMAZING STORY OF MY GREAT

GRANDFATHER. I THOUGHT ABOUT HIM ALL DAY TODAY BECAUSE I WISH I COULD SEE

HIM NOW. I WISH HE COULD SEE ME. BECAUSE I WONDER WHAT HE WOULD

SAY. THIS WEEK I FLEW TO NEW YORK ON A PRIVATE JET.

NETFLIX STARTED STREAMING A SHOW THAT BEARS HIS NAME, "THE CHAPPELLE SHOW."

HBO MAX IS STREAMING IT. AND I DIDN'T GET PAID FOR ANY OF IT.

YEAH, IF HE COULD SEE ME NOW HE'D PROBABLY BE LIKE, THIS

THING GOT BOUGHT AND SOLD MORE THAN I HAVE.

THIS MORNING AFTER THE RESULTS CAME IN, GOT A TEXT FROM A

FRIEND OF MINE IN LONDON. AND SHE SAID, THE WORLD FEELS LIKE A SAFER PLACE NOW THAT

AMERICA HAS A NEW PRESIDENT. AND I SAID, THAT'S GREAT, BUT AMERICA DOESN'T.

YOU ASK WHAT LIFE WAS LIKE BEFORE COVID.

A MASS SHOOTING EVERY WEEK. ANYONE REMEMBER THAT? THANK GOD FOR COVID.

SOMEONE HAD TO LOCK THESE MURDEROUS WHITES UP, KEEP THEM

IN THE HOUSE. ALL SUMMER LONG, YOU KNOW WHAT

I'VE BEEN DOING? SHOWS IN OHIO. I LIVE IN A SMALL TOWN IN OHIO.

A LOT OF THESE SMALL TOWNS IN AMERICA WAS DYING. MY TOWN WAS DYING.

WHAT I DID IS I DID SHOWS IN MY NEIGHBOR'S CORNFIELD, AND THESE SHOWS WERE VERY SUCCESSFUL AND

MAY HAVE EVEN HELPED SAVE THE TOWN. AIN'T THAT SOMETHING?

AND THE LOCAL FARMERS, MY NEIGHBORS, STARTED TO COMPLAIN

THAT MY SHOWS WERE TOO NOISY. IN A CORNFIELD!

TOO NOISY IN A CORNFIELD. I HAD TO HAVE A WHOLE TOWN MEETING ABOUT HOW NOISY I WAS

BEING IN THE CORNFIELD. IT WAS SO EMBARRASSING.

I RECERTAINTIED IT. I RESCENTED THESE COUNTRY FARMERS COULD DECIDE A GUY LIKE

ME'S FATE. PEOPLE DON'T DESERVE TO DO THAT. THEY HAVEN'T SEEN ENOUGH, THEY

DON'T KNOW ANYTHING. THEY PROBABLY WATCH ME RIGHT NOW, AT HOME LIKE, COME QUICK,

COME QUICK, THE GUY FROM THE GROCERY STORE IS ON TELEVISION!

NO, YOU BIG DUMMY. THE GUY FROM TELEVISION IS AT THE GROCERY STORE.

KIND OF GUY THAT PROBABLY HAS AN

ACCOUNT ON FARMERSONLY.COM, EVER HEARD OF THAT WEBSITE? FARMERSONLY.COM.

A WEBSITE THAT BEGS THE QUESTION, WHAT KIND OF BITCH ONLY SMASHES WITH FARMERS?

THAT'S GROSS. THEY HAD A WHOLE ZOOM MEETING

ABOUT ME. I DIDN'T TALK ON THE MEETING, I WAS JUST LISTENING, MANAGED TO

HEAR THEM TALK ABOUT ME. THEY'RE SAYING, MAN, I'M TRYING TO PUT MY CHILDREN TO BED.

AND I KEEP HEARING THIS GUY SCREAMING ALL NIGHT. MY KIDS ARE TRYING TO SLEEP, AND

ALL THEY HEAR IS THE "N" WORD. I SAID, WAS I SAYING IT, OR YOU?

HEAR THAT TWANG IN HIS VOICE. YOU KNOW YOU HEAR THAT ACCENT, OH, I KNOW HE DOESN'T WEAR HIS

MASK. I DON'T KNOW WHY POOR WHITE

PEOPLE DON'T LIKE WEARING MASKS. WHAT IS THE PROBLEM? WEAR MASKS AT THE KLAN RALLY,

WEAR IT AT THE WALMART TOO. WEAR YOUR KLAN HOOD AT WALMART

SO WE CAN ALL FEEL SAFE. AND LIKE OHIO, FOR INSTANCE,

RIGHT? PEOPLE MAKE MORE MONEY FROM THEIR STIMULUS CHECKS THAN THEY

DO IF THEY WORK. SO A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO WORK.

YOU KNOW WHAT IT REMINDED ME OF. RONALD REAGAN.

YOU A BLACK FELLOW, A YOUNG FELLOW, YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT RONALD REAGAN.

RONALD REAGAN USED TO SAY ABOUT BLACK PEOPLE, WELFARE PEOPLE, DRUG ADDICTS?

WHO DOES THAT SOUND LIKE NOW? STIMULUS CHECKS, HEROIN.

AND THE REST OF THE COUNTRY IS TRYING TO MOVE FORWARD, AND THESE WHITE NIGGERS KEEP HOLDING

US BACK. DON'T EVEN WANT TO WEAR YOUR MASK BECAUSE IT'S OPPRESSIVE,

WEARING A MASK? I BEEN WEARING ALL THESE YEARS. I CAN'T EVEN TELL SOMETHING TRUE

UNLESS IT HAS A PUNCHLINE BEHIND IT. YOU GUYS AREN'T READY?

YOU'RE NOT READY FOR THIS. YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO SURVIVE YOURSELVES.

IN FACT, WE'RE THE ONLY ONES THAT KNOW HOW TO SURVIVE THIS. WHITES COME, HURRY, QUICK, COME

GET YOUR NIGGER LESSONS. YOU NEED US.

YOU NEED OUR EYES TO SAVE YOU FROM YOURSELVES. REMEMBER WHEN WHITE PEOPLE AND

BLACK PEOPLE COULDN'T BE TOGETHER? JUST WHITE PEOPLE DANCING?

YOU SEE THAT OLD FOOTAGE? HOW DID THEY LOOK?

YOU NEED SOME BLACK GUYS TO LOOK AT YOU LIKE - HM! HM, BOY.

NOW TRUMP IS GONE.

A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T LIKE HIM, BUT I THOUGHT THE GUY WAS AT LEAST AN OPTIMIST.

I AM NOT AS OPTIMISTIC AS HE WAS. I LOOK AT IT, THERE'S BAD PEOPLE

ON BOTH SIDES. ALL RIGHT, JUST TRYING NOW.

CALL THE CORONAVIRUS THE KUNG FLU.

I SAID, YOU RACIST - HILARIOUS SON OF A BITCH. I'M SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT, NOT

YOU! IT'S WRONG WHEN YOU SAY IT.

TRUMP WENT TO A PRESS CONFERENCE, WILD GUY, YOU EVER SEE THIS?

ON A PRESS CONFERENCE, TRIED TO GUESS THE CURE OF THE CORONAVIRUS IN FRONT OF THE

WHOLE WORLD. IT'S A WILD THING TO DO. WHAT ABOUT VERY POWERFUL LIGHT?

DIRECTLY IN THE BODY? I SAY, WHAT? THIS MAN JUST SUGGESTS THAT I

PUT SUNSHINE DIRECTLY IN MY BODY? WELL, THAT'S INSANE.

HE WENT FURTHER. PUT ON SOME BLEACH. SOME BLEACH DIRECTLY IN YOUR

BODY. OH, BOY. THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE TO

CHILDPROOF THE WHITE HOUSE NOW, HE'S GOING TO TRY TO DRINK THE BLEACH!

MR. PRESIDENT, DON'T TOUCH THAT STOVE, IT'S HOT. TURN THOSE SCISSORS AROUND IF

YOU'RE GOING TO RUN AROUND THE HOUSE, MR. PRESIDENT.

SCARIEST PART ABOUT THAT. ONE OF THE LEADING VIROLOGISTS IN THE WORLD WAS SITTING AS

CLOSE AS YOU ARE TO ME, AND SHE JUST WATCHED HIM SAY IT. CRAZY.

HER FACE WAS LOOKING LIKE, HE MIGHT BE RIGHT.

I SAW THAT, OH, THAT'S WHY - THAT'S WHY - THAT'S WHY WOMEN MAKE HALF.

DID I TRIGGER YOU?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS. HALF, 70%, WHATEVER IT IS, IT'S TOO MUCH.

I'M SORRY, LORNE, I THOUGHT WE WERE HAVING A COMEDY SHOW.

IT'S LIKE A WOKE MEETING IN HERE.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS? YOU KNOW WHAT TRUMP DID AFTER ALL THAT STUFF?

WENT OUT AND GOT THE CORONAVIRUS. WASN'T THAT SOMETHING?

YOU KNOW, WHEN HE GOT CORONAVIRUS, THEY SAID

EVERYTHING ABOUT IT ON THE NEWS. YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DIDN'T SAY? THAT IT WAS HILARIOUS.

IT WAS HILARIOUS. TRUMP GETTING CORONAVIRUS WAS

LIKE WHEN FREDDIE MERCURY GOT AIDS. NOBODY WAS LIKE, HOW DID HE GET

IT?

THIS GUY'S RUNNING AROUND LIKE THE OUTBREAK MONKEY. LOOKED LIKE A 1970s PENIS, RAW

DOGGING. RAW DOGGING EARTH.

ACTUALLY MADE FUN OF JOE BIDEN'S MASK. THIS GUY WEARS THE BIGGEST MASK

I'VE EVER SEEN! RIDICULOUS. JOE BIDEN'S MASK WASN'T BIGGER

THAN EVERYBODY ELSE'S MASK, MR. PRESIDENT.

LUCKY FOR THE REST OF THE COUNTRY, HE HAD A GOOD HEALTH CARE PLAN, DIDN'T HE?

GOOD COVERAGE. HELICOPTER PICKED HIM UP.

RIGHT IN HIS FRONT YARD. HELICOPTER CAME. REMEMBER THAT VIDEO, HE'S

WALKING TO THE HELICOPTER BY IMS? USUALLY HE'S WALKING TO THE

HELICOPTER WITH A BUNCH OF PEOPLE, NO ONE'S AROUND HIM THIS TIME, YOU KNOW, HE HAD THE RONA.

HAD HIS MASK ON THEN, DIDN'T HE? HE'S WALKING.

HEALTH GUYS TOOK HIM TO WALTER REED HOSPITAL.

I'M FROM D.C. AND I GOT TO TELL YOU, WALTER REED IS NOT CLOSE TO THE WHITE HOUSE.

BUT YOU CAN WALK. TEAM OF DOCTORS WAITING FOR HIM,

DOCTORS CAME AND RAN, GAVE HIM EXPERIMENTAL MEDICINE AND STUFF. FLEW HIM BACK HOME IN THE

HELICOPTER. AND THEN HE WALKED RIGHT UP THE STEPS, TOOK HIS MASK OFF,

SALUTED THE HELICOPTER. WALKED RIGHT IN THE HOUSE, KILLED FOUR MORE PEOPLE.

I SAID, $750 IN TAXES GOES A LONG WAY, DOESN'T IT, SIR?

COLD STUFF, MAN. SOME COLD STUFF.

THAT WOULD BE LIKE ME GOING TO THE HOMELESS SHELTER WITH A BAG FULL OF HAMBURGERS AND SAYING,

THESE IS MINE. AND THEN JUST START EATING IN

FRONT OF ALL THE HOMELESS. DON'T LET HUNGER DICTATE YOUR LIFE!

THAT WAS COLD, BABY.

MEANWHILE, CHRIS CHRISTIE'S FAT ASS IS IN THE ICU, FIGHTING FOR HIS LIFE.

CHRIS CHRISTIE GOT ALL THE SYMPTOMS.

EVERYTHING CORONAVIRUS LIKES TO EAT, THAT'S WHAT'S IN CHRIS CHRISTIE'S BODY.

FAT, CHECK. ASTHMA, CHECK. DIABETES, CHECK.

CORONAVIRUS LIKE, MMM-MMM! HERMAN CAIN'S BLACK ASS HAS BEEN DEAD FOR TWO WEEKS.

WHERE'S HIS SECRET SERUM? THINK ABOUT THAT. FOR FOUR YEARS.

WHAT KIND OF MAN DOES THAT? WHAT KIND OF MAN MAKES SURE HE'S OKAY WHILE HIS FRIENDS FIGHT FOR

THEIR LIVES AND DIE? A WHITE MAN. AND I DON'T MEAN TO PUT THIS ON

THE WHITES. BUT BEEN BLACK A LONGTIME, I'VE KNOWN SOME BADDIES.

BUT THERE ARE GOOD WHITES. WHO ACTUALLY WANT TO HELP.

THEN JOIN ME. I'M NOT EVEN JOKING. THIS IS MY PLAN.

IT'S CALLED THE KINDNESS CONSPIRACY. RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS FOR

BLACK PEOPLE. DO SOMETHING NICE FOR A BLACK PERSON.

JUST BECAUSE THEY'RE BLACK. YOU GOT TO MAKE SURE THEY DON'T DESERVE IT.

IT'S VERY IMPORTANT PART OF IT, THEY CAN'T DESERVE IT.

THE SAME WAY ALL THEM YEARS THEY DID TERRIBLE THINGS TO BLACK PEOPLE JUST BECAUSE THEY'RE

BLACK. AND THEY DIDN'T DESERVE IT. YOU DRIVING THROUGH THE HOOD ONE

DAY, YOU SEE A BLACK DUDE STANDING ON THE CORNER, SELLING CRACK, DESTROYING HIS COMMUNITY?

BUY HIM AN ICE CREAM. HE'LL BE SUSPICIOUS, BUT HE'LL

TAKE IT.

I WOULD IMPLORE EVERYBODY WHO'S CELEBRATING TO REMEMBER, IT'S GOOD TO BE A HUMBLE WINNER.

REMEMBER WHEN I WAS HERE FOUR YEARS AGO? REMEMBER HOW BAD THAT FELT?

REMEMBER THAT HALF THE COUNTRY RIGHT NOW STILL FEELS THAT WAY. PLEASE REMEMBER THAT.

REMEMBER THAT FOR THE FIRST TIME IN THE HISTORY OF AMERICA, THE LIFE EXPECTANCY OF WHITE PEOPLE

IS DROPPING. BECAUSE OF HEROIN, BECAUSE OF SUICIDE.

ALL THESE WHITE PEOPLE OUT THERE THAT FEEL THAT ANGUISH, THAT PAIN, THAT MAN, THEY THINK

NOBODY CARES. MAYBE THEY DON'T. LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

I KNOW HOW THAT FEELS. I PROMISE YOU, I KNOW HOW THAT FEELS.

YOU'RE A POLICE OFFICER. EVERY TIME YOU PUT YOUR UNIFORM ON, YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'VE GOT A

TARGET ON YOUR BACK. YOU'RE APPALLED BY THE INGRATITUDE THAT PEOPLE HAVE

WHEN YOU WOULD RISK YOUR LIFE TO SAVE THEM. OH, MAN.

BELIEVE ME. BELIEVE ME, I KNOW HOW THAT FEELS.

EVERYONE KNOWS HOW THAT FEELS. BUT HERE'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ME AND YOU.

YOU GUYS HATE EACH OTHER FOR IT. AND I DON'T HATE ANYBODY. I JUST HATE THAT FEELING.

THAT'S WHAT I FIGHT THROUGH. THAT'S WHAT I SUGGEST YOU FIGHT THROUGH.

YOU GOT TO FIND A WAY TO LIVE YOUR LIFE. GOT TO FIND A WAY TO FORGIVE

EACH OTHER. GOT TO FIND A WAY TO FIND JOY IN YOUR EXISTENCE IN SPITE OF THAT

FEELING. AND IF YOU CAN'T DO THAT - COME GET THESE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH AND GOOD NIGHT!

HEY, EVERYBODY. I HOPE YOU'RE HAVING A GOOD TIME AT HOME WATCHING THE SHOW.

IT'S BEEN A LONG, HARD TIME. I KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE LOST THEIR JOBS.

AND THERE'S THIS CLIMATE, UNFORTUNATELY A LOT OF BLACK PEOPLE LOSE THEIR JOBS.

THIS NEXT PIECE IS ABOUT JUST THAT. IT'S ABOUT TWO BLACK PEOPLE WHO

HAVE LOST THEIR JOBS BECAUSE OF THIS NEW SOCIAL CLIMATE WE'RE ALL TRYING TO FIGURE OUT.

SADLY, THESE TWO BLACK PEOPLE MAY NEVER GET THOSE JOBS BACK. ENJOY.

I'M SORRY, IT'S JUST NOT WORKING OUT, WE HAVE TO LET YOU GO.

BUT I'M AUNT JEMIMA! WHO DOESN'T LOVE MY PANCAKES?

EVERYONE LOVES YOUR PANCAKES, AUNT JEMIMA. IT'S YOU.

YOU'RE THE PROBLEM. ME? WHAT DID I DO?

IT'S NOT WHAT YOU DID, IT'S HOW YOU MADE US FEEL ABOUT WHAT WE DID.

BUT YOU CAN'T FIRE ME. I'M A SLAVE.

THAT'S THE ONLY GOOD THING ABOUT YOUR JOB, THE JOB SECURITY. WE UNDERSTAND THAT.

NO, YOU DON'T. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. ALL I EVER DID WAS MAKE

PANCAKES. AND THAT'S WHY AUNT JEMIMA PANCAKES ARE THE FLUFFIEST, THE

BUTTERIEST, MOUTH-WATERING PANCAKES ON THE SHELF. THE SECRET IS, I USE MY OWN

BREAST MILK. AUNT JEMIMA, THIS IS HARD FOR

US TOO, WE LOVE YOU. AND THANK YOU FOR BREAST FEEDING OUR CHILDREN.

IT'S BECAUSE I'M A WOMAN, ISN'T IT? WHAT ABOUT UNCLE BEN?

OH, DAMMIT, WOMAN. DON'T DRAG ME INTO THIS MESS.

IF I'M GOING DOWN, YOU COMING WITH ME. ACTUALLY, UNCLE BEN, SHE'S

RIGHT. WE HAVE TO LET YOU GO TOO. FOR THE SAME REASON.

BUT YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME. I'M UNCLE BEN.

I GOT SO MANY NIECES AND NEPHEWS TO TAKE CARE OF. YOU'LL BE FINE, JUST DO

SOMETHING ELSE. BUT ALL I KNOW IS RICE. WHITE RICE.

BROWN RICE. WILD RICE. YELLOW RICE.

FOUR CHEESE. BASMATI. LOOK, IT'S NOT PERSONAL.

IT'S JUST WE HAVE TO CLEAN HOUSE. COME ON, NOW.

WE KNOW WHITE PEOPLE DON'T CLEAN THEY OWN HOUSE.

YEAH, YOU'RE TALKING TO SLAVES. THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

WE CAN'T WORK, HOW COME THE ALLSTATE GUY GETS TO WORK?

NOW WAIT A COTTON PICKING MINUTE, UNCLE BEN.

OH, I KNEW YOU'D SELL ME OUT. IT AIN'T PERSONAL, SON. BUT WE GETTING FIRED, YOU SHOULD

BE GETTING FIRED TOO. YEAH. FIRE ALLSTATE GUY TOO.

STOP CALLING ME ALLSTATE GUY. I HAVE A NAME.

IT'S "GUY FROM WAITING TO EXHALE."

WELL, WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS, YOU'RE GETTING FIRED TOO. I'M NOT EVEN A FOOD PRODUCT.

I SELL SECURITY. MY DEEP BLACK VOICE MAKES WHITE PEOPLE FEEL SAFE.

THEY'RE LIKE IN GOOD HANDS. THAT MAY BE SO, BUT YOU'RE

STILL BLACK, AND IT'S BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. BUT I'M A REAL PERSON.

THESE ARE MERE CHARACTERS. IF ANYTHING, WHY DON'T YOU FIRE COUNT CHOCULA.

HOW COME HE'S STILL WORKING, HUH? BUT I'M NOT EVEN BLACK, I'M

MADE OF CHOCOLATE. LIKELY STORY. LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

THESE STREETS IS GOING TO EAT YOU ALIVE, YOU CHOCOLATY NIGGER. DON'T CALL ME THAT!

IF HE'S CHOCOLATE, I'M CHOCOLATE TOO. YEAH, I'M CHOCOLATE TOO.

I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU WANT TO CALL YOURSELF, YOU'RE ALL FIRED. NO, I'M ACTUALLY CHOCOLATE,

I'M NOT BLACK AT ALL. RIDICULOUS. ANOTHER LIKELY STORY.

LOOK AT CHOCOLATY LIPS BEHIND THEM FANGS. BIG OLD FAT LIPS.

SERIOUSLY. AMERICA, LOOK AT PETE DAVIDSON'S LIPS.

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S ENOUGH,

YOU'RE ALL FIRED EXCEPT FOR ALLSTATE GUY. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

ALL RIGHT, PAL. WE'LL LEAVE.

BUT REMEMBER, YOU MADE A BIG MISTAKE. UH-HUH.

SEND IN THE LAND O'LAKES LADY, PLEASE.

35 YEARS AGO, NINTENDO RELEASED THE FIRST SUPER MARIO BROTHERS AND MADE VIDEO GAME

HISTORY. TO CELEBRATE THIS LANDMARK ANNIVERSARY, WE ASKED FANS YOUNG

AND OLD ABOUT THEIR FIRST MARIO MEMORIES. I WAS ONLY LIKE 4 OR 5 WHEN I

PLAYED MY FIRST MARIO GAME, BUT I WAS IMMEDIATELY HOOKED. MARIO MADE ME FALL IN LOVE WITH

VIDEO GAMES. I REMEMBER GETTING THE FIRST SALES REPORT WHEN THE FIRST

MARIO CAME OUT AND MY JAW DROPPED. WE BROKE EVERY INDUSTRY RECORD

ON THE FIRST DAY OF SALES. JAKE AND I RODE OUR BIKES TO TARGET TO BUY MARIO 1 AND WE

RODE SO FAST. WE'RE LIKE PASSING CARS LIKE, MOVE, PEOPLE!

WE'VE GOT TO PLAY MARIO! NEVER PEDALED FASTER. YEAH, WELL MAYBE TOO FAST

BECAUSE JAKE CAUGHT LIKE MAJOR AIR OFF THIS LITTLE JUMP-OFF. WHEN HE HIT THE GROUND, HE

MISSED THE SEAT AND LANDED WITH ALL HIS WEIGHT ONTO THE CROSSBAR, AND HE DEMOLISHED HIS

NUTS. DIDN'T DEMOLISH THEM. YEAH, YOU DID THEY POPPED.

POPPED? THAT'S NOT EVEN - YOU'RE THE MOST RANDOM GUY I EVER MET.

MY FIRST MARIO MEMORY IS THAT MUSIC. REMEMBER?

* DO DO DO DO * FOR THE RECORD, WE HEARD THEM POP.

YOUR EYES ROLLED BACK, YOU SCREAMED THEY POPPED, THEY POPPED.

OKAY, OKAY, THEY POPPED! POINT IS, MARIO IS AN AMAZING GAME.

I'M SORRY, FORGY ME.

FORGIVE ME. I'M AT A LOSS FOR WORDS AFTER THAT HORRIFYING STORY ABOUT THE

MAN'S NUTS. MAYBE WE SHOULD LET THE DUST SETTLE ON THAT BEFORE I START

TALKING ABOUT MARIO MANIA. I'M SORRY, THEY HEARD THEM POP?

DO YOU REMEMBER THE DAY YOU BEAT MARIO 1? OH, YEAH.

WERE WE AT MY HOUSE? WE WERE IN THE HOSPITAL. JAKE WAS RECOVERING FROM

SURGERY TO - I DON'T KNOW THE MEDICAL TERM, BUT REBUILD HIS NUTS.

BUT IT WAS UNSUCCESSFUL. WASN'T UNSUCCESSFUL.

YEAH, IT WAS. THEY TOLD JAKE IT WAS LIKE TRYING TO PUT A WATERMELON BACK

TOGETHER AFTER IT WAS DROPPED OFF A 10-STORY BUILDING. YEAH, BACK TO MARIO, THOUGH!

GREATEST OF ALL TIME! YEAH, IT WAS THE ONLY THING THAT MADE HIM FORGET THAT THEY

HAD TO REMOVE HIS NUTS. STOP TALKING ABOUT THAT, BRO. PLEASE CHANGE THE ORDER SO I

DON'T DIRECTLY FOLLOW THOSE TWO.

I'M BEGGING YOU. I CAN'T WAX NOSTALGIC ABOUT

MARIO ONE SECOND AFTER HEARING ABOUT HOW THAT BOY WAS NEUTERED. NO, THANK YOU.

MORE MARIO ADVENTURES FOLLOW, ONE SHA SHATTERED RECORDS AND SET A NEW STANDARD FOR GAMES,

SUPER MARIO BROTHERS 3. THE DAY MARIO 3 CAME OUT IS BURNED INTO MY MEMORY.

MARIO COULD FLY! I WAS - BACK IN THE HOSPITAL.

WAS I? YEAH, DUDE. YOU HAD EMERGENCY SURGERY.

THERE WAS SOME SORT OF INFECTION, I GUESS, AND THEY HAD TO REMOVE EVERYTHING FROM JAKE'S

GROIN. WHAT WAS DESCRIBED, TO ME AT LEAST, AS A SANDING-DOWN OF HIS

PELVIC AREA. I DON'T REMEMBER THEM SAYING SANDING-DOWN.

NO, THEY DID. I WALKED INTO JAKE'S RECOVERY ROOM WITH MARIO 3, AND HE

SAID - IT'S ON! NO, YOU SAID "NOTHING'S DOWN

THERE ANYMORE. I'M SMOOTH LIKE A BARBIE, I'M SMOOTH LIKE A BARBIE, I'M SMOOTH

LIKE A BARBIE." WHAT? HEY, WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH

THIS STUFF? YOU SAID IT. WE PLAYED MARIO 3 NONSTOP.

WE WERE MARIO MANIACS! WE PLAY THE EVERY DAY. EXCEPT THE DAYS JAKE HAD

PHYSICAL THERAPY TO RELEARN HOW TO PEE. WASN'T A BIG DEAL.

IT KIND OF WAS. JAKE NOW PEES THROUGH A SMALL HOLE JUST BELOW HIS BELLY

BUTTON, SO HE HAS TO LIE HORIZONTALLY FACE-DOWN. AND BASICALLY PLANK THE TOILET.

HOW DO YOU HAVE A PICTURE OF THAT, THROUGH CURIOSITY? THROUGH IT ALL, MARIO WAS

THERE, AND HE'S STILL HERE, MAKING US SMILE AGAIN AND AGAIN. WHERE WILL THIS AIR?

IT WAS A SIMPLE REQUEST. I DO NOT WISH TO FOLLOW THOSE

TWO. GO TO HELL! HAPPY 35th ANNIVERSARY,

MARIO. WITH YOU, THE FUN NEVER POPS. I MEAN STOPS.

SORRY. **

SARAH, PLEASE? SARAH, PLEASE OPEN THE DOOR. I COULDN'T HAVE BEEN MORE

CLEAR WITH YOU ON THE PHONE. I'M DONE WITH YOU, KEITH. I KNOW, I KNOW, AND YOU

SHOULD BE DONE WITH THAT KEITH. THAT KEITH DIDN'T DESERVE YOU. BUT THIS KEITH?

THE KEITH I AM NOW? HE DOES. I'VE CHANGED, BABY.

TAKE ME BACK. YOU'VE CHANGED? HOW, KEITH?

HOW HAVE YOU CHANGED? I QUIT DRINKING. I HAVEN'T TOUCHED A DROP IN A

MONTH. REALLY? YEAH.

IT WAS HARD. BUT I DID IT FOR YOU. WELL, I'M GLAD.

AND NO MORE COCAINE. WHAT? I KNOW.

I NEVER THOUGHT I COULD KEEP THAT INTO HIS EITHER BUT YOU GAVE ME THE STRENGTH.

SORRY, YOU DID COKE? JUST TO HELP GET ME OFF THE BOOZE.

FOR A COUPLE OF YEARS BEFORE THAT, TOO. BUT THOSE THINGS ARE BEHIND ME.

NO ALCOHOL, NO COCAINE, NO PILLS, I'M A NEW MAN. GOD, KEITH.

PILLS TOO? YEAH. IT'S THAT SAME OLD STORY, YOU

KNOW? YOU GO TO THE DOCTOR BECAUSE YOU'RE IN PAIN, AND THEY GIVE

YOU THESE PILLS TO HELP. BUT - YOU GOT HOOKED.

EXACTLY. THE NEXT THING I KNOW, I'M TAKING FISTFULS OF VALTREX JUST

TO GET OUT OF THE BED IN THE MORNING. NO, VALTREX IS FOR HERPES,

KEITH. DO YOU HAVE HERPES? THE OLD KEITH DID, BUT THIS

KEITH, NO, HE'S GOOD. NO, THAT'S NOT HOW HERPES WORKS.

GOD, NOW I PROBABLY HAVE IT TOO. OH, BABY, YOU'D KNOW IF YOU HAD THE KIND I HAVE.

PLUS I ALWAYS USED PROTECTION WHEN WE WERE TOGETHER. YOU NEVER WORE A CONDOM.

BUT I ALWAYS HAD A GUN. A GUN? I'M GLAD YOU'RE GETTING YOUR

LIFE TOGETHER BUT WE'RE THROUGH. HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT, BABY? YOU JUST TOLD ME YOU HAVE

HERPES. HAD. PAST TENSE, BABY.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY YOU WANT TO GET BACK TOGETHER.

HALF THE TIME WE WERE DATING, YOU WERE ROMANTICALLY CHECKED OUT.

I KNOW. BUT THAT'S BECAUSE - AND THIS IS HARD FOR ME TO SAY, BUT I HAD

GOTTEN A LITTLE TOO INTO PORN. WOW. THAT EXPLAINS A LOT.

YEAH. IT'S ADDICTIVE. IT SEEMS HARMLESS AT FIRST.

BUT THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW, YOU'RE SHOOTING TWO, THREE SCENES A DAY AND THERE'S NOTHING

LEFT IN THE TANK WHEN YOU GET HOME. I'M SORRY, YOU WERE DOING

PORN? LIKE, HAVING SEX WITH WOMEN ON THE INTERNET?

WHAT, NO? NEVER. THANK GOD.

NEVER WOMEN. BABY, ALL THAT'S BEHIND ME NOW.

I'M NOT THAT STUPID BOY I WAS BACK THEN. I'M GROWN, I'M A MAN, I'M

18 NOW. YOU'RE 18 NOW? YEAH, I'VE CHANGED.

HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN WE STARTED DATING? OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW I MESSED

UP. OH MY GOD, I'M GOING TO JAIL. BABY, DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT.

EVEN IF THE COPS FOUND OUT, I WOULDN'T SAY ANYTHING. GOOD, BECAUSE -

I'D LET THE HARDWARE DO THE TALKING. PUT THAT THING AWAY!

YOU SOUND LIKE ALL THE PEOPLE AT THE PLAYGROUND, PUT THAT THING AWAY!

YOU TOOK A GUN OUT ON THE PLAYGROUND? GUN?

NO, NEVER A GUN. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

PEOPLE AT THE PLAYGROUND SAID THAT TOO. KEITH!

ALL RIGHT, I'LL GO. BUT FIRST, THERE'S SOMETHING I SHOULD HAVE DONE A LONG TIME

AGO. OH, MY GOD. HAVE TO PRESS THAT EVERY HOUR

SO THEY KNOW I'M STILL WEARING IT. WHY DO YOU HAVE THAT, KEITH?

BECAUSE OF WHAT I TOOK OUT AT THE PLAYGROUND. RIGHT.

IT WAS MY PENIS. YEAH, I GOT THAT. LOOK, I KNOW I'M NOT PERFECT,

BUT YOU ARE. AND I CAN'T LIVE MY LIFE WITHOUT YOU, BABY.

PLEASE, TAKE ME BACK. OH, CRAP! HEY.

JUST HANG ON TO THIS FOR ME FOR LIKE A DAY OR TWO. THANKS.

YOU NEVER SAW ME, OKAY? I WASN'T HERE. LOVE YOU.

HE LOVES ME. **

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, FOO FIGHTERS.

** ** * IF YOU WANT TO I'LL MAKE

YOU FEEL SOMETHING REAL JUST TO BOTHER YOU NOW I GOT YOU UNDER MY *

* THUMB LIKE DRUG I WILL SMOOTHER YOU I'LL BE THE ONE BE

THE MOON BE THE SUN * * BE THE RAIN IN YOUR SONG PUT THAT BACK ALONG

IF YOU WANT TO I'LL BE THE ONE BE THE TONGUE * * GONNA SWALLOW YOU

SHAME SHAME SHAME SHAME SHAME SHAME SHAME SHAME ANOTHER CENTER *

* UNDER THE STAND ANOTHER SEASON OF LONELINESS

I FOUND THE REASON * * AND BURIED IT I NEED A MOUNTAIN

OF HAPPINESS OOH OOH OOH OOH * **

* SHAME SHAME SHAME SHAME SHAME SHAME JUST MOVE ALONG NOTHING

WRONG TILL WE MEET AGAIN * * SHAME SHAME SHAME SHAME I'LL BE THE WAR REACHING

ALL COME AND LET ME IN I'LL BE THE ONE BE * * THE MOON BE THE SUN BE THE

WAVE IN YOUR SONG * * PUT THAT BACK ALONG IF YOU WANT TO I'LL *

* BE THE ONE BE THE TONGUE GONNA SWALLOW YOU ANOTHER CENTER

UNDER THE STAND * * ANOTHER SEASON OF LONELINESS

I FOUND THE REASON AND BURIED IT * * I NEED A MOUNTAIN

OF HAPPINESS OOH OOH OOH OOH SHAME SHAME SHAME SHAME *

* SHAME SHAME SHAME SHAME ANOTHER CENTER UNDER THE STAND

ANOTHER SEASON * * OF LONELINESS I FOUND A REASON

AND BURIED IT I NEED A MOUNTAIN * * OF HAPPINESS

OOH OOH OOH OOH * SHAME SHAME SHAME SHAME SHAME SHAME SHAME SHAME *

** IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH

COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE. HI, GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.

WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE." I'M MICHAEL CHE. I'M COLIN JOST.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW IF ANYONE NOTICED BUT JOE BIDEN HAS BEEN ELECTED THE 46th PRESIDENT OF

THE UNITED STATES. AND THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED WHEN

PEOPLE IN NEW YORK HEARD THAT DONALD TRUMP WAS DEFEATED.

AND THIS IS TRUMP'S HOMETOWN. CAN YOU IMAGINE?

YOU GET FIRED FROM YOUR JOB, YOU GO BACK HOME, AND EVERYONE IN YOUR OWN HOUSE IS LIKE, BOO, YOU

SUCK! YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY.

ONLY IN NEW YORK. WHAT'S THAT? IT WASN'T ONLY IN NEW YORK?

IT WASN'T ONLY IN NEW YORK? OH.

OH MY GOD, THAT'S REAL. YOU KNOW HOW BAD YOU HAVE TO BE FOR PARIS TO RING CHURCH BELLS

WHEN YOU LOSE? THEY DIDN'T EVEN DO THAT FOR THE

REAL HUNCHBACK'S FUNERAL. THE WHOLE WORLD IS CELEBRATING

LIKE WORLD WAR II JUST ENDED. AND I KNOW THIS ISN'T REALLY THE SAME AS DEFEATING THE NAZIS, BUT

IT DID END WITH A FASCIST LEADER HIDING IN A BUNKER.

TRUMP HAS REPORTEDLY SAID TO ALLIES THAT HE WILL HAVE TO BE DRAGGED OUT OF THE WHITE HOUSE

KICKING AND SCREAMING. GOOD!

EVER SINCE BIDEN WON, EVERYTHING I WAS WORRIED ABOUT OR MAD ABOUT JUST SORT OF FADED AWAY.

I MEAN, THE PROBLEMS ARE STILL THERE, BUT REMEMBER THAT "SHAWSHANK" SCENE WHEN THE DUDES

ARE DRINKING BEER ON THE ROOF? THEY WERE STILL IN PRISON, BUT FOR ONE DAY IT JUST FELT OKAY.

THAT'S HOW I FEEL NOW. I'M SO RELIEVED. IF TRUMP WON, I THOUGHT THERE

WOULD BE A RACE WAR. COLIN, ME AND MY FRIENDS WERE GOING TO KIDNAP YOU.

I RENTED THIS BIG OLD FRIDGE AND EVERYTHING, IT WAS A GOOD PLAN.

WOULD I GO IN THE FRIDGE? THE BOX. BY THE WAY, I WANT TO POINT

OUT, IT'S CRAZY THAT IT'S SATURDAY AND THE ONLY CANDIDATE WHO'S CONCEDED IS KANYE WEST.

IT IS NEVER A GOOD SIGN WHEN KANYE ACCEPTS REALITY FASTER

THAN YOU DO. TRUMP HAS FILED SEVERAL LAWSUITS DEMANDING RECOUNTS AND

ALLEGING VOTER FRAUD. I WANT TO POINT SOMETHING OUT REAL QUICK.

REMEMBER IN 2016 WHEN HE LOST THE POPULAR VOTE TO HILLARY BY 3 MILLION?

HE BLAMED IT ON ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS SNEAKING IN AND VOTING.

THIS TIME HE'S GOING TO LOSE BY 5 MILLION VOTES. WHICH BY HIS OWN LOGIC MEANS

TRUMP LET IN 2 MILLION MORE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS, AND THEY ALL VOTED FOR BIDEN.

THERE'S BEEN A FEW COUNTER

DEMONSTRATIONS IN RED STATES LIKE TEXAS AND ARKANSAS. AND I JUST WANT WHITE

REPUBLICANS TO LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE. YOU STILL GOT JOE BIDEN.

HE'S NOT THE OLD WHITE GUY YOU WANT, BUT HE'S STILL AN OLD WHITE GUY.

IS IT THAT DIFFERENT? YOU WANTED LUPITA, YOU GOT A CHALUPA, BIG DEAL.

WHAT, JOE BIDEN IS GOING TO FREE THE SLAVES AGAIN? HEY, COLIN, THAT IS TIE A

CLIP-ON? I'VE BEEN WANTING TO SAY THAT

ALL YEAR. THE AFTERMATH OF TRUMP'S CAMPAIGN IS ALSO REALLY FUNNY TO

ME. BECAUSE NORMALLY WHEN YOU LOSE A CAMPAIGN, YOU WONDER WHAT WENT

WRONG? WAS MY MESSAGING ON THE ECONOMY OFF?

FOR TRUMP IT'S LIKE, HUH, MAYBE I SHOULDN'T HAVE OPENLY TAUNTED THE DEAD HERO OF A STATE I

NEEDED TO WIN. MAYBE I SHOULDN'T HAVE GONE TO

ERIE, PENNSYLVANIA, AND SAID THIS ABOUT ERIE, PENNSYLVANIA. BEFORE THE PLAGUE CAME IN, I

HAD IT MADE. I WASN'T COMING TO ERIE. I MEAN, I HAVE TO BE HONEST.

THERE'S NO WAY I WAS COMING. I DIDN'T HAVE TO.

PERSONALLY, I WOULDN'T HAVE SPRAYED MY OWN SUPPORTERS WITH COVID AT MY RALLY, BUT HEY,

THAT'S JUST ME. But THE MOST IMPORTANT THING ABOUT DONALD TRUMP LOSING THIS

ELECTION IS THAT PRETTY SOON WE WILL NEVER HAVE TO LISTEN TO DONALD TRUMP AGAIN.

WE MAY WANT TO LISTEN SOMETIMES FOR ENTERTAINMENT.

JUST LIKE WE MIGHT WANT TO SLOW DOWN TO GET A BETTER LOOK AT A BURNING CAR.

BUT WE DON'T HAVE TO. BEFORE TRUMP WAS PRESIDENT, NO

ONE EVER CARED WHAT HE SAID. NO ONE WAS EVER LIKE, HUH, I WONDER WHAT THE LEAST-SUCCESSFUL

REAL ESTATE DEVELOPER IN NEW YORK THINKS ABOUT THIS.

IN THREE MONTHS TRUMP WILL JUST BE ANOTHER GUY YELLING CONSPIRACY THEORIES IN THE

BACKGROUND. THEN WE CAN TREAT HIM LIKE THIS REPORTER DID TODAY WITH THE

THEN WE CAN TREAT HIM LIKE THIS REPORTER DID TODAY WITH THE CRAZY DUDE BEHIND HIM.

MOVING FORWARD WITH LEGAL CHALLENGES TO VOTE COUNTS ACROSS THE COUNTRY.

HERE TO COMMENT IS A MAN LEADING THE CHARGE, HIS PERSONAL LAWYER, RUDY GIULIANI.

WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA, LOOK AT THAT!

IF IT AIN'T DE BLASIO AND JENKINS, HOW LOVELY. ALL RIGHT, YEAH, I GET IT.

HI, RUDY. HA HA! THANKS SO MUCH FOR BEING

HERE. GOOD TIMES. YOU SEE MY PRESS CONFERENCE

TODAY? IT WAS AT THE FOUR SEASONS, FANCY.

YEAH. SOUNDS FANCY. BUT IT WAS AT A LANDSCAPING

COMPANY CALLED FOUR SEASONS. WAS THAT A MISTAKE? WHAT?

NO. ANYWAY, I'M GLAD I MADE IT HERE

ON TIME. BECAUSE FIRST I WENT TO 30 ROCKS.

THAT'S A GRANITE QUARRY IN NEW ROCHELLE. WHAT A NIGHT.

OKAY, RUDY. SO THE PRESIDENT - THE

PRESIDENT HAS SAID HE WILL BE MOUNTING SOME LEGAL CHALLENGES TO A LOT OF THE VOTES OUT THERE.

WHAT IS YOUR STRATEGY TO DO THAT? OKAY.

LISTEN, MAN. I GOT TONS OF STRATEGIES, OKAY? FIRST WE'RE GOING TO THROW OUT

BOGUS MAIL-IN BALLOTS. COLIN, THESE BALLOTS, THEY COULD BE COMING FROM MARS.

RIGHT, YEAH. NO, THAT IS A REAL THING THAT YOU REALLY DID SAY.

THAT'S RIGHT. WE'RE GOING TO DEMAND THAT WE LOOK AT ALL THE NAMES.

IF THE NAME IS MEATTHORPE ZANDAR AND THE ADDRESS IS MARS, WE'RE GOING TO GET THOSE BALLOTS

THROWN OUT. PLUS WE GOT NO IDEA IF THEY REALLY ARE BALLOTS.

THEY MIGHT BE TORTILLAS. WE'RE GOING TO EAT THEM AND SEE

IF THEY'RE TORTILLAS. IF MY BUTT BLOWS AFTER I EAT IT, YOU KNOW THAT'S A TORTILLA.

GREAT PROCESS. SO YOUR TEAM -

NOW YOUR TEAM WANTS TO GET MORE POLL WATCHERS IN THERE TO MAKE

SURE THE COUNTING IS HAPPENING CORRECTLY. EXACTLY.

WE'RE GOING TO GO IN THERE, GET OUR POLL WATCHERS SO CLOSE. WE'RE GOING TO GET THIS CLOSE.

UH-HUH. THIS IS LEGALLY CLOSE. OKAY.

NUTS ON BACK. THAT'S WHERE A POLL WATCHER OUGHT TO BE.

WHY ARE THEY SO HOT? ASIDE FROM THE COUNT, WHAT

ACTUAL LEGAL RECOURSE DO YOU HAVE TO CHALLENGE THESE RESULTS? OKAY, LISTEN TO THIS.

IN MICHIGAN, OKAY, WE DEMANDED A RECOUNT. IN WISCONSIN, WE DEMANDED A

DECOUNT. WE GOT SAFETY IN ARIZONA.

AND IN GEORGIA, OPPOSITE DAY. WHAT? WE'RE GOING TO DEMAND THAT I

DO THE RECOUNT PERSONALLY. AND OUR SILVER BULLET IS, I CAN'T COUNT VERY HIGH.

ALSO, WE'RE SUING ALL THE STATES WE LOST.

YOU'RE SUING ALL THE STATES? FOR WHAT? I DON'T KNOW, CHILD SUPPORT.

MANSLAUGHTER. I DON'T KNOW. RUDY, I GOT TO SAY, JUST

SOUNDS LIKE TRUMP GOT FEWER VOTES, WHICH IS WHAT THE POLLSTERS PREDICTED.

OKAY, OKAY. THE POLLSTERS WERE ALL LYING. POLLSTERS GET PAID TO LIE TO

PEOPLE. THEY'RE ALWAYS SAYING, HEY, BABY, I'M CINNAMON, BUT MY REAL

NAME IS BRITNEY, JUST DON'T TELL THEM I TOLD YOU. THEN YOU FIND OUT, HER NAME

AIN'T BRITNEY. I'M SORRY, ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT STRIPPERS?

YEAH, STRIPPERS, POLLSTERS. WHAT DO YOU CALL THEM?

I CALL THEM - LOOK. LOOK. I KNOW IT'S HARD FOR YOU TO TALK

ABOUT THIS. BUT YOU LOST. SO WHAT IS YOUR PLAN?

RUDY, WHAT IS YOUR PLAN NEXT? JUST LIKE FOR YOURSELF? LISTEN TO ME.

I WILL BE FINE. I ALWAYS LAND ON MY FEET, UPSIDE DOWN FROM THE CEILING.

I WILL MOVE BACK TO THE CITY THAT MADE ME.

HEY, NEW YORK! DADDY'S HOME! YA MISS ME?

AND SALAD! IT'S THAT FAMOUS NEW YORK

LETTUCE. GOD, I LOVE THIS TOWN. ANYWAY, I GOT TO GO.

I'M OFF TO THE PENINSULA. THE PENINSULA? THE HOTEL?

NO. THE YUCATAN. YOU NEVER SAW ME.

RUDY GIULIANI, EVERYONE. I'M COLIN JOST.

WELCOME BACK TO CENTER 5 ALBANY. FROM THE CORONAVIRUS TO THE RED

ONION RECALL, THERE'S BEEN A LOT OF DIFFICULT NEWS THIS YEAR. AND LAST NIGHT WAS NO

EXCEPTION WHEN A SUDDEN HAILSTORM HIT THE NEARBY TOWN OF PEBBLE FALLS.

ON ANY OTHER DAY, PEBBLE FALLS IS A QUAINT TOWN WITH THE MOTTO, "COME FOR THE ICE CREAM,

STAY FOR THE BIG WOODEN NICKEL." MM-HMM. BUT NEVER DID CITIZENS THINK

THEIR TOWN WOULD BE THE SITE OF A FREAK ONCE IN A CENTURY NATURAL EVENT, A MASSIVE

HAILSTORM THAT LEFT THEM RUNNING FOR COVER. WE'VE HAD CRAZY WEATHER

BEFORE, BUT NOT LIKE THIS, THEY WERE LIKE GOLF BALLS. THE HAIL WAS COMING DOWN FROM

THE SKY. IT WAS LIKE GOLF BALLS. AND ME, I FOUND IT TO BE

SIMILAR TO GOLF BALLS. WOW.

THAT SOUNDS SCARY. SO WHAT HAPPENED? WELL, I - I WAS DRIVING,

THEN THEY STARTED HITTING MY CAR. I WAS CLOSING UP SHOP AT THE

WOODEN NICKEL, WHICH IS THE PLACE THAT I WORK. AND I WAS HELPING HER 'CAUSE

I ALSO WORK AT THE NICKEL. AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN THE SKIES OPENED UP, HAIL OUT OF

NOWHERE. NOW JEAN AND RUDOLPH, IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU HAD A HARROWING

EXPERIENCE TRYING TO GET INDOORS. THAT'S RIGHT.

THE HAIL WAS COMING DOWN SO HARD AND WE WERE GRABBING ON TO EACH OTHER.

WE COULD BARELY SEE ANYTHING. YEAH, AND THEN FINALLY, WE MADE IT UP TO JEAN'S PORCH.

AND THEN WE LOOKED AT EACH OTHER. WE WERE STANDING THERE.

AND WE KISSED. ON THE LIPS.

OKAY. IT SOUNDS LIKE AN EMOTIONAL DAY. WHAT HAPPENED NEXT WITH THE

HAIL? WELL, AT THAT POINT THE RAIN HAD STARTED AND THE WATER

LEVEL WAS RISING IN THE STREETS. I REMEMBER TURNING TO JEAN AND SAYING, "JEAN!

WE KISSED!" YOU KNOW, WE SORT OF PULLED AWAY LIKE - AND I WAS LIKE -

"OKAY, THAT HAPPENED." YEAH, AND HAILSTORM-WISE, AT

THAT POINT, JEAN, WATER WAS GOING INTO YOUR HOUSE. WERE YOU SCARED?

YES. OH, MY, I WAS TERRIFIED. WE WERE HOLDING EACH OTHER FOR

SAFETY AND HIS HAND - HIS HAND WOUND UP ON MY BREAST. AND IT WAS A FRIEND'S HAND.

AND THEN AT SOME POINT IT BECAME A LOVER'S HAND. YEAH, SURE.

NOW WE'RE ASKING ABOUT THE FLOOD, THOUGH. AND THEN THE RESCUE CREW CAME

AND PUT BLANKETS ON US. AND I THOUGHT TO MYSELF, "I'M UNDER A BLANKET WITH JEAN."

THEN SHE TURNED AROUND, AND THAT WAS KISS NUMBER TWO. AND I OPENED MY MOUTH FOR

THIS ONE. YOU KNOW, IF I HAD A NICKEL FOR EVERY TIME WE KISSED UNDER

THAT BLANKET, I'D HAVE ABOUT 45 CENTS.

OKAY. YOU KNOW, YEAH. LET'S TURN BACK TO RACHEL.

RACHEL, HOW ARE YOU AFFECTED BY THE EVENTS OF YESTERDAY? WELL, MY LIFE WAS ABSOLUTELY

TURNED UPSIDE DOWN. OKAY, YEAH THANK YOU. SAY MORE.

WELL, YOU KNOW, THEY WERE BOTH MY FRIENDS. AND NOW THEY'RE KISSING?

WOOO! I'M NOT SURE HOW I FEEL ABOUT IT, BUT CHECK BACK WITH ME ABOUT

THAT. YEAH, WE'RE DEFINITELY NOT GOING TO DO THAT.

SO JEAN, RUDOLPH, CAN YOU GIVE US AN UPDATE ON THE AFTERMATH? HOW ARE THINGS NOW?

WE'VE BEEN TEXTING. A LOT.

OH, YOU'RE TOGETHER? WELL, WE'RE NOT TOGETHER. YOU KNOW.

WE HAVEN'T HAD THAT CONVERSATION YET. IT'S KIND OF HARD TO HAVE THAT

ON TELEVISION. YEAH, JEAN, WE'RE NOT ASKING YOU TO.

SINCE YOU ASKED US TO, I GUESS - WHAT DO YOU THINK? SO - WHAT DO YOU THINK?

RUDOLPH! PLEASE! SEVERAL PEOPLE IN YOUR TOWN

ARE MISSING. HAVE YOU BEEN A PART OF THOSE SEARCH EFFORTS?

NO. I'M DONE SEARCHING.

YES. WE HAVE FOUND WHAT WE'RE LOOKING FOR.

AND RUDOLPH, I UNDERSTAND YOUR WIFE IS MISSING? IS THAT RIGHT?

YES, SHE IS. PROBABLY DEAD, THOUGH.

OKAY. THANK YOU, RUDOLPH AND JEAN.

TWO CO-WORKERS WHO FOUND SOMETHING MORE. HEY, DON'T YOU TRY THAT WITH

ME. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

** WELCOME BACK TO "D.C. MORNING."

WELL, IT'S THE FOURTH DAY AFTER THE ELECTION, AND EVEN THOUGH IT'S BEEN CALLED FOR JOE BIDEN,

THERE ARE STILL LINGERING QUESTIONS. IT'S FRUSTRATING, ISN'T IT,

HOWARD? IT SURE IS, LISA. EVEN THOUGH MOST EXPERTS SAY

IT'S OVER, THE PRESIDENT'S STILL CLAIMING FRAUD AND THREATENING LAWSUITS ALL OVER THE COUNTRY.

AND YOU CAN FEEL THE SENSE OF DESPERATION AT THE WHITE HOUSE, CAN'T YOU?

ABSOLUTELY. JUST REMEMBER, ONCE TRUMP'S TERM ENDS, HE'S SUDDENLY A PRIVATE

CITIZEN WITH NO IMMUNITY. AND HE WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE TAX FRAUD INVESTIGATION FROM

THE SOUTHERN DISTRICT OF NEW YORK, AS WELL AS THE DEFAMATION LAWSUIT FROM A WOMAN

WHO CLAIMS HE ASSAULTED HER. WELL, WE HOPE TO HAVE - OH, LISA, I'M SORRY TO

INTERRUPT BUT THERE'S SOME BREAKING NEWS. SEEMS THAT THE PRESIDENT

SUDDENLY LEFT THE WHITE HOUSE AND IS ON THE HIGHWAY. LET'S GO TO THAT FOOTAGE LIVE

RIGHT NOW. THERE'S THE PRESIDENT LEAVING IN

WHAT APPEARS TO BE A WHITE FORD BRONCO. AND IS PRESIDENT TRUMP IN

THERE? IT APPEARS SO. I'M TOLD HE'S CROUCHING DOWN IN

THE BACK SEAT WITH DON JR. AT THE WHEEL.

OH, NO. LOOK AT THIS. LOOKS LIKE THERE ARE AT LEAST A

DOZEN POLICE CARS FOLLOWING CLOSE BEHIND THE PRESIDENT RIGHT NOW.

WHY DON'T THEY JUST PULL HIM OVER? WELL, THIS IS A VOLATILE

SITUATION. IF THEY SPOOK THE PRESIDENT, HE COULD UNLEASH AN ARMY OF PROUD

BOYS AND FLAG-WAVING TRUCKS. HE'S LIKE AQUAMAN, BUT INSTEAD OF FISH, HE CAN SUMMON THE

ENTIRE PARKING LOT OF A CRACKER BARREL.

I'VE BEEN TOLD THERE WAS A 911 CALL PLACED FROM INSIDE THE CAR, LET'S LISTEN TO THAT CALL.

9-1-1, WHAT ARE YOU REPORTING? THIS IS DON JR., I HAVE THE

PRESIDENT IN THE CAR. YOU SOUND FRANTIC, ARE YOU UNDER THE INFLUENCE?

THIS IS NOT ABOUT ME, OKAY? RIGHT NOW WE'RE OKAY BUT YOU'VE GOT TO TELL THE POLICE TO JUST

BACK OFF. TELL THEM TO STAND DOWN OR DAD OFFICIALLY STARTS THE CAMPAIGN

FOR 2024. MY FATHER HAS THE ANNOUNCEMENT TWEET READY TO GO.

HE JUST HAS TO PUSH "1-1." ALL RIGHT, SIR. AND WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

THIS IS DON - YOU KNOW WHO THHELL THIS IS, GODDAMMIT! WOW, WOW.

THIS HAS TAKEN A DESPERATE TURN FOR THE PRESIDENT. IT SURE HAS, IT'S SAD.

AND YOU HATE TO SEE IT. BUT MORE THAN THAT, YOU LOVE TO SEE IT.

WHEN WE COME BACK, MELANIA TRUMP ANNOUNCES HER PLANS TO GET

ONCE AGAIN, FOO FIGHTERS!

** * I I'M A ONE WAY MOTORWAY I'M A ROAD

THAT DRIVES AWAY THEN FOLLOWS YOU BACK HOME * * I I'M A STREET

LIGHT SHINING I'M A WILD LIGHT BLINDING BRIGHT *

* BURNING OFF AND ON MMM-MMM * * IT'S TIMES LIKE THESE

YOU LEARN TO LIVE AGAIN IT'S TIMES LIKE THESE * * YOU GIVE AND GIVE AGAIN

IT'S TIMES LIKE THESE YOU LEARN TO LOVE AGAIN IT'S TIMES LIKE THESE *

* TIME AND TIME AGAIN ** * I I'M A NEW DAY RISING

I'M A BRAND NEW SKY TO HANG THE STARS * * UPON TONIGHT

I AM A LITTLE DIVIDED DO I STAY OR RUN AWAY AND LEAVE IT ALL BEHIND *

* IT'S TIMES LIKE THESE YOU LEARN TO LIVE AGAIN IT'S TIMES LIKE THESE

YOU GIVE AND GIVE AGAIN * * IT'S TIMES LIKE THESE YOU LEARN TO LOVE AGAIN

IT'S TIMES LIKE THESE YOU LEARN TO LOVE AGAIN * * IT'S TIMES LIKE THESE

TIME AND TIME AGAIN * ** COME ON, HERE WE GO!

** * IT'S TIMES LIKE THESE YOU LEARN TO LIVE AGAIN

IT'S TIMES LIKE THESE YOU GIVE AND GIVE AGAIN * * IT'S TIMES LIKE THESE

YOU LEARN TO LOVE AGAIN IT'S TIMES LIKE THESE TIME AND TIME AGAIN *

LET'S GO! * IT'S TIMES LIKE THESE YOU LEARN TO LIVE AGAIN

IT'S TIMES LIKE THESE YOU GIVE AND GIVE AGAIN * * IT'S TIMES LIKE THESE

YOU LEARN TO LOVE AGAIN IT'S TIMES LIKE THESE TIME AND TIME AGAIN *

** ** **

** ** **

THANKS TO FOO FIGHTERS, JIM CARREY, MAYA RUDOLPH, ALEC

BALDWIN! "CHAPPELLE SHOW" IS STREAMING ON

NETFLIX RIGHT NOW. GOD BLESS AMERICA.

** **