Original subtitles

In the very beginning,

there is neither a script nor a story.

Just fragments.

Images.

I like the idea of a dark road,

for I know that the darkness of the unknown

is like a magnet,

luring the innocent into a world of corruption.

In 1958, screen goddess Lana Turner

was drawn into a violent love affair.

Nobody gives Johnny stompanato his walking papers!

Nobody!

Her daughter, Cheryl,

felt compelled to terminate her mother's anguish.

Johnny stompanato's journey ended that night in Hollywood,

while ours continues to butte, Montana,

and our hero, an obscure celebrity interviewer

named jiminy glick.

Welcome to lalawood.

And what excitement we have today.

We have one of the great stars,

the first lady

of butte, Montana's, stage, miss Arlene sheehy.

Arlene.

You know, I was counting,

and this is my 21st appearance on your show.

Mmm.

And every appearance is more thrilling than the last.

Yes, it really is, it's an amazing thing.

You just have--

I think 'cause you're just so interesting.

Thank you. Right back at you.

This is gonna be good.

You're an actress,

but you also work at the fragrance department

at Morgan's department store.

How do you balance the two?

Well, you know, I think it's important for an artist

to have many avenues to express themselves.

Would you do nudity?

If it was tastefully done.

Well, it couldn't be, dear.

Well, I can think of some--

no, it couldn't be. Trust me, it couldn't be.

Your parents were circus people.

What was that like?

Think of showboat," jiminy.

I love showboat! Ava gardner!

You know what I loved about Ava gardner?

She had that cleft in her chin.

I think it's wonderful!

And Michael Jackson spent all this money to get it surgically.

Don't even go there. He's a sick, sick, sick man.

Can we talk about that nose?

He's the father of three and the mother of two.

That's an unusual boy.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Listen, I've heard a rumor

that you are going to the Toronto film festival.

Oh, I am so excited.

It's the first time I've ever--

and this is one of the biggest festivals in north America.

I'm moist almost everywhere! Oh, honey!

See you next week. See you in Toronto.

I'm going!

Lynch: Going down his own dark road.

Jiminy: I'm a journalist.

Is it wrong for me to ask for autographs?

'Cause I'm telling you, if I see Reese Witherspoon,

I'm gonna plotz, as the Jewish people say.

♪ We're going all night,

♪ yeah, 'cause it's all right ♪

♪ when we hit the floor ♪

♪ we're going all night... ♪

Oh, look at that big building.

Oh!

Oh...look at that!

Oh, that's a phallic-looking thing!

Remind you of anybody?

No.

♪ I'm gonna pick you up ♪

♪ the top is down ♪

♪ and here we go, who cares how far? ♪

♪ They all make room...♪

Jiminy: You know, when we get to that hotel room,

we're having a mommy-daddy moment,

I'm telling you that right now.

♪ We're goin' crazy ♪

♪ everyone's moving ♪

♪ so come and get me ♪

♪ if you can ♪

♪ we're going all night ♪

♪ yeah, 'cause it's all right ♪

♪ when we hit the floor ♪

♪ we're goin' all night ♪

♪ and when the daylight comes ♪

♪ gonna beg for more ♪

When I say a little kiss, I don't need

Ethel merman's tongue shoved in my throat.

I just don't need it.

♪ And I really like ♪

♪ the way the music speaks ♪

♪ I think I'll dance till the sun comes up ♪

♪ we're goin' crazy ♪

♪ everyone's moving ♪

♪ so come and get me ♪

Now, Canadians, you know what they remind me of?

They look like Russians

who are pretending to be Americans.

There's often a unibrow,

and hygiene doesn't seem to be that important.

And always that constant stench of cigarettes and booze.

♪ We're goin' all night ♪

♪ yeah, 'cause it's all right ♪

♪ when we hit the floor ♪

♪ We're goin' all night ♪

Oh, this is just super!

Man: It's Ben di Carlo!

Come on, boys. Very good job.

Come on.

Hello.

Is that anyone?

It's fine with me if you wanna oblige them.

Shoulder pads aren't a problem.

Oh, let's go.

It's Ben di Carlo!

Oh, you horrible, wretched little girls!

Anybody? Anybody? Nah, too old.

Okay, thanks a lot, folks.

This is gonna hurt us more than it's gonna hurt you.

I'm gettin' too old for this.

Ben di Carlo!

He is one good-looking boy, I'll tell you that.

Oh, he's in the elevator. He's a fine-looking boy.

I guess. I don't really get it.

It's just a guy thing, I guess.

We don't see it the same way. But he's an enigma!

What does "an enigma" mean?

Ugh! Ignorance!

I'm surrounded by their ignorance every second of the day.

I can smell the ignorance. Come on. Let's go.

I wasn't ready!

I don't know what's so complicated

about you getting an SUV.

Not a minivan. I didn't ask for no minivan.

We are here for our movie, the littlest roach.

Excuse me, um...

What's going on? How could I help you?

I just wanted to know where check-in was.

Actually, just right around the corner.

Why you talking to him? I'm right here in your face.

You know, I'm relieved to see

that there are some black people in Canada.

There's about a dozen of them,

a baker's dozen, someone told me.

Oh, my god, Miranda coolidge.

...about the film. I know.

This is a new type of role for you, no?

This film is so beautifully directed

by, um...

...and the lighting, which is so...

Hey, Miranda, man, what is up in the daytime?

I'm in an interview right now.

I am waiting for you now there is 15 minutes by the elevator, okay?

Excuse me, round person, that is the end of the interview.

Round? Hey!

Do not be so loud in public.

You need to fuck off now.

I cannot fuck off.

You need to find some other person to annoy

and get the fuck out of my face.

She was a big drunk for a while, though.

I know. She looks good.

They say she's barely insurable.

Take this terrible machine. You cannot speak this.

This is terrible machine. It goes away.

Don't touch my stuff. Don't touch me, man.

I am not a homoist.

She's definitely-- that's not a normal look.

You gotta stop this right now.

This is not going to happen here, man.

This is Toronto film festival, man.

You can't be a smelly person

with your tits hanging out all over the place.

You've got to go upstairs and be a good girl, okay, man?

Come with me. Mommy's gonna go upstairs.

Interviewer: Thank you.

Man: Don't kiss him. Don't kiss him.

It's a room key. I cannot get it out.

Reach into my asshole and take this out of my pants.

Take that away. Can you feel it there?

Yeah. Don't touch my ass!

Hello, yes, it's jiminy and Dixie glick checking in.

Dixie: G-l-i-c-k.

Yes, and we have two boys who are under--

who are 8 years of age.

They're 8? Yes.

They're big for their age.

How can I prevent her from getting intoxicated?

How can I prevent her from talking to stringers?

I don't know. That's why I hire you.

She was doing fine. Mom was answering the questions fine.

Natalie, baby, you are beautiful woman.

Why do you speak?

You look great. People in the room say,

"look at the girl. She has wonderful tits.

I go upstairs alone, and I rub against things."

Oh, thank you.

I'm sorry, I don't have anything for glick.

G-l-i-c-k. G-l-i-c--

this is our itinerary.

Dixie. Itin-itiner--

Dixie and jiminy.

How do you say that word? Say that word.

Itinerary. I can't say it.

"I-tint-er-ary," or whatever it is.

Ooh, I can't wait to take a hot bath.

Nice. I had a laser...

Oh...

Yeah, this isn't a reservation for the Fairmont.

It's a reservation for the fairmount.

Oh. The fairmount.

What is the fairmount like?

Gee, that's a nice-sized beaver.

Thank you.

No, I'm talking about this fella here.

Although yours is nicely...

...shaped.

What's that?

What?

Yes, hello.

Excuse me, do you work for the hotel?

No, I'm David lynch.

I'm, um, a director.

Well, who isn't, dear? And I bet you have a treatment.

As a matter of fact, I do.

I--i--i like the idea of--of a dark road,

um, uh,

...for I know that darkness is like a magnet...

..To madness.

The story I'm creating

is a mystery dipped and drowning in despair.

It involves a small-time celebrity interviewer...

Normally, I would kill to hear the rest of it,

but they're doing a retrospective

on Joey Travolta on e!

On the siblings of celebrities series,

and I'm gonna buggy-whip myself if I miss one frame!

Okey-dokey.

Are you the glicks?

I've been waiting for you.

Oh, that's kinda...

Come, boys, come.

Bring the bags.

Don't drop anything!

Jiminy: Gee, this lobby smells like Courtney love's couch.

All right, now, y'all, we cannot put this off anymore.

Both of you have been in a little trouble at school.

Jiminy: What's the concern here?

It's sexual.

What sexual concerns have you?

Well, I don't really know where babies come from.

You are 13.

He's 13. Have you not spoken to the boy?

I had to explain to you how babies come.

I know, because my mother was illiterate,

and she didn't educate me at all.

But I don't want him to live through the torment!

I was 21, boys, and totally uninformed.

Things would happen to me in the downstairs world,

and I would go to emergency.

I'd say, "what's happened? Have I been stung by a bee?"

And they'd laugh at me.

And that's not the kind of thing I want to have happen to you.

This makes you look bad as a mother.

I beg your pardon!

When you have two boys like this

coming out of your loins at the same time,

I believe you've done your duty as a momma.

What does that have to do with the fact

that they don't understand about sex?

That's not my problem.

It's way above and beyond the call of duty.

At a certain point, the male father--

the male father daddy--

he looks at his wife lady,

and he says, "mmm. I love--"

Are you gonna just burp through all this explanation?

I'm trying to talk to the boys

about something that they should know.

At one point,

the father looks at the mother,

and she says-- what are you looking for?

My napkin.

This is how babies are born. I want you to listen carefully.

Papa--papa male boy--

looks at the lady and says, "oh, my god.

Is that shalimar you're wearing?"

And you go up to her and sniff.

You sniff her intensely,

and the next thing you know, there's a writhing,

and there's a moaning and a groaning,

and that's just getting the pants off.

Dagmar, you Danish queer, man, get me my money.

How am I going to advertise this film? Good-bye.

I'm not secure.

You be secure, now.

I'm not secure with this movie.

Be secure, man.

We maybe have acted unwisely.

Are you serious right now?

Yes.

I thought last night was so sweet and beautiful.

I can't believe you're saying that.

I think you need to reconsider...

I think you're scared.

...your options here.

I think you're scared of what my mom is gonna think,

and I'm telling you, she thinks it's cool.

She knows I go both ways.

We got a serious problem.

I done showed y'all this hardcore,

and you startin' to punk out with your little African stuff.

You got to be more Brooklyn!

Listen, man, I'm not from Brooklyn.

I'm from debumbwe, and I want to go home.

This is not who I am.

I don't care if it's who you are, this is who you is.

You understand what I'm saying?

There's a difference between "are" and "is."

First of all, your language, man--it ain't hard enough.

No, man, you never say enough tough stuff.

What should I say?

Like "nah-mean." Just watch mtv.

You hear how many times people say, "nah-mean?"

Give me an example for real.

I be gettin' mad with people-- "nah-mean?"

You got to be in there with it.

I would bitch-slap all 17 of my bitches,

yao ming?

No, that's the basketball player!

Not yao ming! "Nah-mean!"

Nah-mean. Yeah.

And then there's the 5-second rule.

Tell him about it.

When you say something, it means you mean it

if you hold your face for five seconds.

People won't fuck with you, but you gotta surprise 'em.

Man, I'll knock your ass out!

1...2...3...4...5.

See? I'm for real. I'm for real!

Yao ming? Nah-mean!

Hi. Oh, hi!

Hi, Sharon Campbell, festival coordinator.

We've been waiting for you. Oh, this is fun.

These are my two boys.

Oh, look at you!

Modine. Hello.

And this is Matthew. They're twins.

I can see that.

We named them after Matthew modine,

because we were a big fan of his work in birdy.

Brilliant actor.

This is my wife Dixie. Hello!

Dixie glick. How are you?

Listen, we have something dripping from our ceiling.

Would you excuse me while I clean it off?

Lord knows what it could be. Hope it's not human waste.

I'm gonna clean it up.

If it's human waste, save some for me.

What does that mean?

We have you all set

for the premiere tonight, with Ben, the big one.

Everybody's slated to be there.

I'm a huge, huge Ben di Carlo fan.

This is just gonna be the best!

♪ We're going all night ♪

♪ yeah, 'cause it's all right ♪

♪ when we hit the floor ♪

Jiminy: It's just so rare that there's an event

of excitement in the world of show business.

It's so unusual for people to get dressed up and assemble

to celebrate themselves.

I think that's what makes this night

so very special and unique to its own.

Oh, who's here?

From the back, I think it's alanis morissette.

Or it could be Mickey Rourke. Often I get those two confused.

♪ We're going all night ♪

♪ and in the daylight ♪

♪ is gonna beg for more ♪

This way, kiefer. Kiefer!

Kiefer, kiefer, kiefer sutherland!

Kiefer, kiefer, kiefer, kiefer.

Kiefer, kiefer.

Kiefer, kiefer. Kiefer, kiefer.

This way, kiefer.

Kiefer.

♪ And I really like the way ♪

♪ the music's feelin' ♪

♪ think I'll dance till the sun comes up ♪

Oh, my god, it's Cedric the entertainer!

Oh, I love you!

I ain't no Cedric the entertainer.

I'm Randall "big phallus" bookerton.

My boy's got a new little movie coming out.

We just wanna thank god for letting us write that bitch.

Obviously, they speak for gangsta rap and attitudes--

dear, let me finish--

attitudes that happen in the streets,

places like Compton, places I've never been.

Kiefer, kiefer!

Kiefer, kiefer, kiefer!

The wonderful Holly hunter is here tonight,

and I can't wait to meet Holly

because Holly is someone that my wife Dixie and I

have often role-played.

She'll be Holly hunter and I'll be garth Brooks,

and we'll dress up.

She'll wear a hoop skirt, and sometimes I will.

Kiefer, kiefer!

Kiefer, kiefer!

Kiefer's coming back!

I like him now.

Well, I thought he had passed us.

I despised the boy. I thought he was arrogant.

Now he's coming by to do press.

Now he's my new best friend.

I love the shallowness of it all!

And you're Canadian, I hear. What's that about?

Um, well, this is a fantastic country.

What is that about? Um...

That was my question, dear.

I know. I'm trying to-- I've never actually had to--

eventually, the show will start.

Don't you wanna just finally answer it? Yeah...

What is it about? For me, it's been a fantastic--

it's where I come from, and it's, um...

What? Canada.

You're Canadian? I didn't know that.

Yes, it's true.

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen,

the executive producer of growing up Gandhi,

Barry king.

Hello. Bonjour.

I am Barry king.

What is genius?

Can we touch genius?

Can we taste genius?

My husband jiminy is a reporter.

Yes, I do--i--I'm going to review this film

for butte, Montana.

Or must we also be a genius to recognize genius,

the way dogs are able to recognize other dogs

or the homosexuals

can always suss out other gays in clubs and bars?

Gaydar.

You look up the word "fun" in the dictionary,

you'll see our picture.

Please say hello to Ben di Carlo.

Wonderful! Ha ha ha!

Stand up, everyone!

So, this is my homage to Mahatma Gandhi...

...who, for those of you who don't recognize the name,

was this wise old man from Indiana who--

India--

who...well, you'll see.

You know Ben di Carlos?

We met in Vegas at showest years ago.

Showest? A strip club? You show your puss?

For those of you who are new to art movies,

I'll just give you a little helping hint--

keep an eye out for the-- the falling Rose petals.

I guess that's it. Thanks.

Narrator: The world remembers Mahatma Gandhi

as a great man of peace.

But in the beginning...

Mahatma, bite his ear! Bite his ear off!

That is my boy! That is my boy!

Mahatma, move him in!

Take him over the top, baby, over the top!

What the hell am I watching here?

I have made crap that is better movies than this

in my own toilet.

Jiminy!

What? Wake up!

I am. You have to review that--

it's over!

Mahatma. Mahatma.

Mahatma!

Man: Brutal.

Girl: What did they think they were doing?

Oh, man, the money they blew on that.

Hey, Barry king, man. What?

This terrible movie you make, man.

It's like a goose farting in your face.

Were you asleep?

No, I was letting the words drift over me.

Well, you've got to review it.

I'm gonna review it.

We've gotta go. Who is that?

We go now to our entertainment correspondent,

jiminy glick, reporting live from the Toronto film festival.

Jiminy?

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Oh, my goodness, we are having such a hoot here in Canada.

And everywhere you look, there are movie stars.

It's quite exciting. It's truly electric.

But if you want to know what's really electric,

it's the film I've just seen tonight

starring the wonderful Ben di Carlo, entitled...

Growing up Gandhi.

Get up, fool! Get up, fool!

Jiminy: Growing up Gandhi tells the story

of a scantily clad Mahatma Gandhi,

and because he's almost always bare naked,

the girls just go nuts over him.

Back off, bitch! Oh, you little--!

That's unacceptable.

I loved it!

It has such an emotional punch to the stomach.

Not unlike the punch

that no doubt Johnny stompanato took

when Lana Turner shoved that knife into his belly.

Or was it the daughter, Cheryl crane?

We'll never really know, will we?

Anyway, I'd talk some more,

but I'm going off to meet some movie stars!

♪ It's been so long ♪

♪ and it just ain't right ♪

♪ there's gotta be a man to ignite my flame... ♪

So, anyway, you have to see it to...

Excuse me.

...because it's...

Excuse me, can I help you?

You're just wonderful.

Well, thank you. And you are...?

Jiminy glick. Chimney?

Jiminy glick. Jiminy.

I'm covering this. Some press. We're doing some interviews.

Oh, very good. You're from--you're local?

I'm from the middle west. Butte, Montana.

Butte, Montana? Yes.

And you're in Toronto?

Well, it's so weird they sent me here--

there are no film festivals in butte?

Oprah Winfrey, how do you do what you do so consistently?

I stomp on everyone I can.

And you're despised by so many. But not by me.

I live for that.

And remember to spell my name right--

o-p-e-r-a.

I'm sorry. You were saying?

Whew! I had so much fun last night.

Yeah, it was fun.

You've met Demi Moore. She's a down gal.

Isn't she cute?

We were doing jell-o shots all night long.

You know those breasts have been altered by surgery.

I know. Haven't they all.

This is what Hollywood does--

they alter people with surgery. I think it's good.

I'll tell you who was cute, though,

was that...Julie Moore-- Julie?

Julianne Moore.

She was fun!

You would've loved Julianne Moore.

You would've wanted to mount her.

I got her smoking, and she's pregnant!

Why would you do something like that?

For the heck of it. For the fun of it.

You know, Kevin kline, he had an attitude I didn't appreciate.

Really? Yes, he did.

I found him delightful.

I loved him in Sophie's choice.

I don't remember anything else he's done,

and I told him that.

And suddenly he looks at me

like I'm this idiot or this fool.

And you know what? I resented it.

And suddenly I decided I hated him in Sophie's choice.

Oh! Look who's at the door.

Good morning! Good morning to you!

Yeah!

Look who's here! Hey, girl!

I'm sorry to interrupt.

Did you survive last night?

Listen, I know y'all have to talk business,

and, you know what? I've got to go give the boys a bath.

Come on, boys. Gotta hose you down.

It's Thursday. Gotta get into the deep folds.

Okay, momma.

Raise those arms, get those problem areas.

No yawping, boys. Your mother's doing this 'cause she loves you.

Now, tell me about today. I am...I am so scared.

Are you scared?

Well, I'm scared and I'm excited and I'm frightened.

It's kind of how I feel when I go to the proctologist.

I've never been. I just keep-- it's wonderful.

There's, um...Boy, I was up all last night,

just kind of going over the names

and the lists and the things, and...

We saw Nicole Kidman. I'd love to talk to her.

I'd love to find out what happened to she and Tom.

I'd really get to it. I'd find out about scientology.

So far, there's nothing, um...

Lined up for the, uh, the actual interviews today.

There is nothing lined up for the interviews today?

There's no interviews so far today.

Have you put in our names?

I've put in your names,

and, honestly, I'm just not getting the kind of response--

what about...You said,

"all these years of experience in the film business."

Why hasn't that paid off connections?

I thought everything was about connections.

So, my conn... The connections--

the work that I've been doing for the eight years

has been in the video store.

I work in a video store.

Well, this is--

This is kind of disappointing, isn't it?

Oh, dear lord...

...who shines his bright rays, and created the earth

in seven days, which isn't much, lady!

If the dear lord could create earth and heaven and light...

...and continents-- let me finish!

And oceans, and whales--

I am not Jesus.

Well, he wasn't Jesus at the time.

I'm talking about the dad.

The dad did it, and if he can do it in seven days,

why can't you do it in two?

You know what? I can do it by the end of the day.

I will have your interview by the end of the day.

Look at me. Look at me.

Do I have your trust?

No.

I just feel like like I'm in my--

I'm not in what I would call my element.

Yes, I understand.

People ain't giving me no kind of respect here.

This is a terrible door!

The next hole, just take it out.

Goddamn this door! This is a door for a clown!

Yes, go on.

What I'm trying to say is,

I wrote this nice little animated piece,

and ain't nobody respecting it, understand?

I understand.

I need to find out how to get to them.

There's Jeff goldblum.

Jeff goldblum! Look at that! He's so fly.

Like he's gonna ever talk to me.

Oh, come on.

Okay, let's just keep walking.

What you need to do is become a party negro.

You have to talk. You have to have schmoozes with the juden.

You are proud man. You are great blackist.

You are one of the great--

you have beautiful gold things on you.

A crown made from pants. You should be king.

Are you? Are you the king of the negroes?

I ain't the king, but I do admit that I do get a little respect

when I walk into a negro area.

I'm so proud of you.

No one's gonna talk to me. They will, they will.

Nobody's like you. I love you so much, baby.

It's a massacre. It's like pol pot with these reviews.

Pol pot. Oh, Christ, ira.

It's like Hannibal Lecter wrote the reviews.

Go, go. Come on, run, you little fuck.

Oh...

Go!

Come on, go. Dude, I'm in the bedroom.

So, um...

Get the cheese! Get the cheese!

Yeah, I got the whole-- I got some of these--

fuckin' cheese!

I got the reviews.

No, no, no!

Meow! Damn it!

Have to start over at the kitchen again!

God! This is so confusing!

You want me to call the x-box people about this?

Should be-- 4 to 8, my ass.

You wanna hear these? I'm just gonna read 'em to you

so you get some idea of the level of incompetence out here.

This review--it's not even a review. They just list stuff.

You know-- hindenburg, Titanic, Vietnam.

It's about India. I know.

I didn't make a war movie.

You're right. It's a very personal attack.

Again...

How much do we have to explain to these people?

You explained plenty, too.

I mean, that's why you went up there in the first place.

You notice they're all hiding behind black-and-white words

'cause you can't see what they look like,

'cause if I saw them on the street, I'd kick their fucking asses.

You have every reason to do that. Every right to do that.

And I could. Blah, blah...

"Di Carlo's performance is a rehash of his ozone character,

albeit with smaller biceps."

Small-- smaller biceps?

Of course I had smaller biceps! It's Gandhi! He didn't eat!

Goddamn it!

None of 'em get it! None of 'em get shit!

Damn it!

I wasn't doing bicep curls, or tris, or lats!

None of that shit! I was doing all the spinning and shit!

Looked like a fag in there, with all the lycra

and all those fucking guys looking at me and shit.

You don't have to wear that.

God...bless America!

Just calm down. Go to the minibar.

This is what I'm talking about.

This is what these critics choose to--

because they're the kids in high school that I picked on,

and they're getting their revenge, just like you!

Aah! Jesus, like--

I'm going home!

Canada, you suck!

And where's my nail file?

Fuck!

Not one! Not one good review! The little...!

You can make up something else for why I'm leaving,

'cause this is bullshit, bar.

And this--this-- this shampoo here sucks!

Ira, who is this-- jiminy glick?

Jiminy: This is sensational! Ha ha ha ha!

I'm lovin' what you're giving me, my lady!

Oh! Ah!

Who possibly could be interrupting me

in the throes of passion?

Jiminy!

Ow!

Yes? Is there any way I can be of assistance to you?

I'm terribly sorry to interrupt.

Um, I'm just here to tell you

that I did manage to get an interview.

Oh. Yeah.

It is none other than... Ben di Carlo.

Ben di Carlo? Ben di Carlo.

Oh, you're kidding!

Oh, that's wonderful!

I'm not kidding! I know!

Dixie, stop pleasuring yourself for a second.

We've got Ben di Carlo as an interviewee!

That's wonderful!

Come on back to bed.

Good on you.

You're bearing gifts yourself, I can see, so I won't keep you.

You've seen the crown jewels. I have.

And the scepter.

Queen for the day, I feel like.

And I feel things are amping up.

I am so excited. Thank you.

I've got some unfinished business,

if you know what I mean.

I gotta do it.

I'm so excited. You really did good.

I am sitting beside Hollywood's most reclusive

and elusive--

and I think they mean different things--

Ben di Carlo.

Ha ha! How are you?

I'm great.

You didn't do interviews for a long time, long time.

Four and a half years. Why didn't you?

What made you stop, and what made you start,

and will you do it again, and will you stop again,

and if you stop again, what will make you start again?

I think I was just really grotesquely misunderstood.

At the beginning, at the beginning of the journey.

At the beginning of the journey.

You know, I come from a good place,

and that's all that matters.

This film, growing up Gandhi,

I loved it, as I said in my review!

It's really going to be a huge success.

Yeah.

And he was persian.

Indian.

He was not "from here."

No. Definitely not.

Wonderful. And you shaved your body hair.

Everything.

Is it true that you shaved your down-there hair?

It's one of those things that wasn't on camera,

but it helped me as an actor.

Wonderful.

And I swam naked

so that I would feel streamlined and built for speed.

I didn't know he was a swimmer.

Well, I think--i mean,

'cause you can't walk, obviously, from India to Asia,

so he had to swim at some point.

Someone said he'd walked--

I think the bellman said he walked to england at one point,

in a huff.

Yeah. Why'd he do that?

Well, 'cause the english people, they were being dicks, too.

Everyone was being a dick to him.

You know, there was still casting going on back then,

so you had, like, you know,

the high-up muslims that had a lot of money,

and then you had, like, the down-low ones

that shined your shoes

that weren't allowed to look at you and talk to you.

It's kind of like what we have in Hollywood,

but on a bigger scale.

Let's talk about all the different

Hollywood ladies you've balled.

You've balled so many ladies.

The ladies seem to love to ball you,

and they seem to love to be balled by you.

I'm truly blessed.

I'm telling you, I know where you're coming from,

'cause I'm one of these guys that needs it regular.

I need a nightly pop from my lady.

And sometimes Dixie's awake for it.

Usually not.

Ambien and some k-y, right?

Oh, my god! Ambien and k-y!

But you know what I've started doing?

For a long time, I was taking the k-y orally.

Yes. It's not necessary.

The Ambien I was totally confused about.

Let's talk about some of the other films you've made,

'cause you've made so many wonderful, wonderful, wonderful,

wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, wonderful

...films.

You made...You made... You made...

You made...

You made ozone.

Tell me about ozone.

Ozone was-- I loved ozone!

Thank you.

But Larry ozone is from the future or the present?

He's from the future, but he comes to the present.

Wonderful, wonderful.

And then goes back to the future,

and then actually the present gets to the future,

so I guess it's kind of...

And in ozone ii: The reckoning, we don't know

what's the present, what's the future, and where we're headed.

Right.

That's where you met Tara Reid.

I may have to plead the ninth on this one

'cause I don't want to really get into that--

♪ it's raining men, hallelujah ♪

Sorry.

♪ It's raining men ♪

Hello?

No, Dixie. No.

If it's the afternoon, it's thorazine.

Don't get those mixed up again, okay? Bye-bye.

Sorry. It's my wife.

She phones, and she's on so much medication!

You're good people.

You're a helluva guy.

This has been such fun, such total...

Whoa, sorry. Let me get that. Thank you.

I want to say, Ben di Carlo, thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you for being who you happen to be.

The rest of the world, eat your heart out!

I got an exclusive!

Thank you!

Male voice on television: Lights...

Camera...

Access.

And so the star of this year's

prestigious Toronto film festival

is not Colin Farrell or Miranda coolidge,

or any of the Hollywood

celebrity heavyweights that attended,

but instead a heavyweight celebrity interviewer

by the name of jiminy glick.

Who's jiminy glick, you ask?

If the name doesn't ring a bell, it soon will.

Glick has been catapulted from showbiz obscurity

to overnight media stardom

as a result of his snagging the exclusive one-on-one

with megastar bad boy Ben di Carlo,

who hadn't granted a single interview in over five years.

Maybe I'd better look out. There's a new kid on the block.

You're darn right!

Where are those kids' parents?

I think they went to a screening.

Ha ha ha ha!

Be on with you! Or be off with you, I mean!

Oh, shit!

Darling. Oh, my god.

Look at you. Look at this wonderful outfit.

Are you working out?

You know, you're looking like you're toning up.

I had my ass stapled,

which I think I got it all mixed up.

Bye, baby.

She is luscious. She is everything that's woman.

Jiminy? He's hot!

I've only strayed with Dixie four times,

that was when I was in a trip to Bangkok promoting a book,

a deal that never worked out.

Do you ever wish you were in front of the camera?

Um...well, i--i am in front of the camera.

Well, then I need a reel, I think.

Oh, my god, Ben, how are you?

Nice to see you.

You're the only one he wanted to talk to.

Oh, that's some strong perfume.

You stand for everything that is American,

everything that's strength.

Sorry. It's okay.

You okay? You got it?

I have such a buildup of saliva sometimes, it's overwhelming.

Good to see you, forrest. God bless you.

The wonderful Forrest Gump.

Why have you not asked me to be on your show?

I've been so crushed!

It's a mistake I've made, and it's my people that I blame.

It's your handlers.

I'd love to be one of your handlers, young lady!

You are a beauty.

Oh, my god! Miranda coolidge! Miranda!

Miranda! Oh, my goodness! It's jiminy glick!

So lovely to see you.

How do you feel about doing all these lesbian scenes?

Well, I think lesbians have been criticized a lot.

I think they're interesting.

Do they like the term "lesbian" or "dyke"?

I'm never sure anymore.

You know, I think they do prefer "dyke" if they're big.

And your work on global poverty has moved people.

You feel that no one in the world should be poor.

No one should be poor.

See, I just think that, with all due respect,

if you didn't have poor people,

how would you ever get crowd scenes?

You know, I don't know.

See, and that's--

and you know we need 'em.

Okay, jelly man, this is enough.

She's baby, too young to talk. Go away.

And you're the producer of the film.

Everybody here, many celebrities

with false asses, you know?

They have come here, they make the movies--terrible movies!

We've got to go. We're really pressed for time.

They make movie that is like a kitten

that has made a picture of its ass in the mud.

This movie is wonderful. You watch, fat.

Pull harder, you foxy-looking piece of ass.

Mud's good for you.

There's something in here, and it's biting me.

Wonderful. She looks so pretty.

Yes, she does.

And so does the other one.

Big girl.

Aw, quit your bitchin' and junk. I'm comin'.

Comin' in.

♪ Close your eyes ♪

♪ put your hand in mine ♪

♪ and leave the care of the world behind ♪

♪ 'cause you're here now ♪

♪ with me ♪

♪ you should know ♪

♪ That this bead of gold ♪

♪ of every verb from your lips ♪

♪ Says I love you so ♪

♪ and you're here now ♪

♪ Baby ♪

Psst...

Would you like some popcorn? It's awfully good.

I'm not falling for that old diner trick again.

Besides, the last time I did it,

I couldn't even find it in there.

It's in there, dear. Yeah.

Trust me. I've got the salt burns to prove it.

Too much energy.

How are you? Jiminy!

How can you be great movie star actress

if you are smelly with drink? Blah, blah.

Don't blah-blah. This is absolutely true.

You're not me. You don't own me.

Is not just for me that you should not be smelly all the time.

There is no easiness now to make insurance for your movies.

Why? Why is this?

It's, like, not-- you know, what is your problem?

You tell me why there is no insurance.

I have give two blow jobs to english insurance people...

I'm not homoist! I'm a man!

...and go annoy some other major...

I am on my knees like a German teenager

to english people with rotten teeth in their mouths

because you cannot be not smelly with drunk

while you're at your own party.

No one is looking at your great performance. Why?

Because you are in corner

sucking on an ice statue of ving rhames.

You are like a terrifying Asian woman

who is covered with piss!

If you don't think I don't know

about the fucking stand-in, you're wrong!

Excuse me?

I know about the goddamn stand-in.

Say again?

I know about the makeup, the lady who does the sewing.

I know.

I know about the gardener's daughter.

Didn't think I know about that, you fucker!

You don't know about gardener.

♪ If you got somethin' ♪

♪ and you're not frontin' ♪

♪ yeah ♪

♪ show me what you got ♪

I'm homesick.

I know, I know.

There's not enough monkey milk to go around.

You can't suck your own goat.

There's not enough women

walking around with their shirts off.

Watch your hole, mondavi. Right over there, look at that.

Who has that-- I mean, no offense,

but I'm looking at mount Everest,

and I'm a set of skis.

I want to ski to the bottom.

We need that little fat bastard there to come see our movie,

until he do, we ain't gettin' nowhere.

You get me.

I get you because you are so luscious.

You can see me.

What is happening in this booth, man?

Are you guys having a fuck without me, man?

How are you?

The only reason that you are here,

Mr. Danish land o' lakes butter head.

I'm not Danish!

Is because of me. I have to wring it out.

It's because of me. It's because of me.

Hold on. Very important for you--

it's not like they said, "we're gonna come

to the Toronto film festival to see Andre divine."

My god! Where is your penis, man?

I'm sorry.

♪ Best respect me-- I'm for real ♪

♪ got bitches on my lap, gonna make 'em squeal ♪

♪ I am the party-- I rap the mic ♪

♪ smoke the pipe--you know we gonna make it psych ♪

♪ it's goin' off the hook ♪

♪ posse's in the back, and the place is packed ♪

♪ it's going off the hook ♪ ♪ yeah ♪

♪ like a locomotive lettin' off some steam ♪

♪ I'm pullin' on her whistle, gonna make her scream ♪

♪ she's in my pocket, lookin' for some fun ♪

♪ oh, yeah, you got it-- nah, that ain't my gun ♪

♪ bitches and hoes, go to your cribs and get it ♪

♪ keep your hands in the air, 'cause I gots to know ♪

♪ 200 years, kept down ♪

♪ kept down ♪

It's your party! Scream!

It's goin' all the way back, y'all!

The guy's killin' it! Kill it, boy!

My man j.G.! Gangsta, baby!

I can't believe that Miranda coolidge

is sitting to my right.

In the flesh and bones, baby.

We could go upstairs and maybe talk about my script.

'Sup, yo?

Oh, Dixie.

Dixie! Dixie!

Dixie!

Jiminy, what?

I don't know. I--

oh, I had the most frightening dream.

I need to be held.

Jiminy, please. Come on, I took that nembutal.

Yeah, but-- you're on my arm now.

Jeesh.

What is the matter with you? Where have you been?

Look at you in your clothes!

It was just so confusing. I don't--it's all a whirl.

Aah!

What?

What are you screaming about? It was a dream!

Oh, I'm so ashamed!

What? Why?

I had this... This--this dream where...

I woke up, and I was--

I was lying in bed with Miranda coolidge.

It was a dream! Oh!

Remember? I said it was a dream.

I was having a dream. I'm sorry. Yeah, okay.

But it seemed so real, you know?

So, okay, so I wake up,

and I'm next lying beside Miranda coolidge.

It is a dream! I'm sorry.

I'm dreaming!

I'm sorry. I lost my head.

Remember when I said it was a dream? Remember?

It was a second ago I said that.

I know you did. I'm with you, I'm with you.

Okay, so, you know what? With all due respect,

I'm gonna just wander over here for that, all right?

Because I've lost all the hearing here.

I'm calm, I'm calm. I'm so sorry, baby.

I just-- I don't think.

Anyway, this is the bad part.

Not only do I wake up in bed next to Miranda coolidge--

oh!

It's a dream!

In the dream, I woke up next to Miranda coolidge!

I am so sorry!

So to throw things at me to hit me is nuts!

But then again, you're nuts.

So it all works out.

But here's the other issue.

I can tell you're upset.

Well, I am upset because--

she was covered in blood!

And she was dead.

And I'm so afraid that I might have killed her because--

shh. Shh.

Can you please close the lips?

Close the little lips. You would not hurt a fly.

Look at you.

You're just sweatin' like Whitney Houston.

I know I'm sweating.

Just wipe yourself off.

Oh, my-- oh! Jiminy!

M.C.!

M.c. What does that stand for?

Miranda coolidge!

I'm sorry!

Oh, gosh! Oh, honey, baby!

If I could take back that moment, I would.

Listen. You listen to me, and you listen to me good.

You are a wonderful man.

But I'm a murderer! There was a murder!

Stay on my bosom. You are a wonderful man.

And I'm gonna tell you somethin' else--

you are going to be interviewing Miranda coolidge this afternoon.

You're gonna see that she's all okay, that you're okay.

You know what this is? This is a nosebleed.

Maybe she--

it's open!

You're a nutty man.

I don't have any hearing now in this ear.

Oh...

It's open!

Good morning.

Hi. Hi.

It's a different day. It's a different day.

It is, yes.

You wouldn't believe everything that's been going on.

I'm so sorry to interrupt.

Ben di Carlo-- Ben di Carlo is gone.

What do you mean--?

Apparently, he shredded his hotel room.

He was upset and he left town. Nobody knows where.

He trashed it! That cliché!

Brought the room down to the studs, he did. No!

He did. Here's the other thing--

the phone has been ringing nonstop.

You're gonna be so busy today.

Everybody is talking to me about interviewing with you.

Kurt Russell's people have called,

and you've got an interview with Steve Martin.

So, they're gonna be calling you.

A very busy day, very busy day.

First stop I guess is Miranda coolidge. She's at 11:00.

That was the other thing.

Miranda coolidge, though, she has cancelled.

Something about a flu or something.

They wouldn't quite divulge and go into that.

That's it. That's it.

I'm so happy for you.

So the next day, I go back and I order my salmon sandwich,

and I think, "I'm back. I'm back 'cause I love it so much."

It only took that one day of having the chicken salad sandwich

where I thought, you know, "I am home

when I order the salmon salad sandwich."

Just seeing you at the festival--

it's fun seeing you at the Toronto film festival.

It's fun to be here.

Why are you at the Toronto film festival?

I'm here to promote my film hot Havana nights.

And this is the first time you've done full frontal nudity.

It's about time, don't you think?

Because that's really how you revive your career.

Yes. Now, just out of curiosity--

I was gonna ask you,

when the balls get longer, what do you do?

Well, that's what low tables are for,

is if you walk into a room, and you just get near a low table,

you just get that little extra lift.

You stand the right way, you can kind of rest yourself.

During a nude scene... Mm-hmm.

...you rest your...

Testicles...on a low table. On a low table.

It gives the illusion, actually, that they're just kind of there.

They're just up a little bit.

Kind of almost like floating. Mm-hmm.

Well, that's a wonderful trick.

I wonder if everyone knows that trick in porno films.

You see all these porno films, you know?

Yeah, you do. I know what you mean.

Or you hear about them, especially if you're staying in a hotel.

Right. That's where you hear about them, in a hotel.

Something liquid this way comes,

and you see all these cowboys, and they're lassoing each other.

Where is that?

In this hotel that I heard--

a friend of mine said he went to a hotel once and saw that film.

That would've been weird.

And had they known that testicle-resting gimmick--

that's more of a professional actor's thing.

I guess. Let's talk about-- let's talk about communists.

In Hollywood? In Hollywood.

Are they still pulling the strings?

You read this, that they're pulling the strings.

How does Steve Martin feel

about such things that I just said?

A lot of communism in Hollywood. A lot of people are communists.

No! To this day? Yes, a lot of--

operating the studios?

Yes, they are. A lot of communists. Running the town?

But I would never, you know, name names.

You wouldn't name names.

No, I would not name names. If I said Meg Ryan--

communist. Yeah. No!

Absolutely. Meg Ryan is a communist?

Exactly.

The girl next door is the red girl next door.

Absolutely.

That's stunning. Tom Hanks.

Tom Hanks?

Uma thurman.

I knew that. That I've heard.

I've heard that.

Everyone always says that you,

Alec Baldwin, and Robin Williams

are the hairiest men in show business.

I don't think I'm so hairy.

Well, people say you are.

You've got arms like an otter, someone told me.

A craft service person.

He was making me a ham sandwich,

and said, "old otter arms will be here in 10 minutes."

Are you doing a special on hairy people

so you can just take the line out? I hate that!

We are! We're doing a whole thing.

It's called "hairiest freaks in Hollywood."

And we're gonna show a picture of you,

we're going to show a picture of Robin Williams,

and Alec Baldwin, and Stephen Baldwin,

and Billy Baldwin, and Larry Baldwin,

and shep Baldwin, and all the baldwins--14 of them--

and they all look like apes who have escaped.

You're one of the few Jews

who has really made it in the business.

Actually, I'm not Jewish.

But you know Jewish people.

Yes, I do. And you've used those connections.

I can't imagine you wouldn't have.

Well, what are you saying? You're, uh...

I think it's necessary to use any ethnic group.

If I had an agent who was a Muslim,

I'd use him.

Well, you're coming off really, really well.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

This is a good interview.

There's lots of wonderful, wonderful energy.

Would you like to know a little about my acting technique or...?

You studied with Lee strasberg.

Never did. No kidding.

It's amazing how quickly the time goes.

You get a lot of bad reviews.

How does that make you feel,

and how do you handle it, Steve Martin?

Well, first of all, a lot of people get bad reviews.

Charlie chaplin got bad reviews.

Mm-mm.

Buster Keaton got bad reviews.

No, not really. Not on the level you get them.

Reading a bad review is--

you're reading along, you pick up the paper in the morning,

you made this movie, your heart is in it,

you're reading along, you're fine, they sort of describe the plot

and then suddenly it's like a knife in the heart.

Like, a little line or something,

that's about you or the way you look.

It's just like somebody is taking that knife

and just stabbing it and stabbing it and stabbing it,

and twisting and twisting...

Stabbing!

Aah!

You see?

She's gonna answer that door,

and you're gonna find out it was all in your mind.

All in your head.

Do you not think I want it to be all in my head?

Hey, fat.

Oh, hello, yes. Jiminy glick. You remember.

And this is the wonderful-- this is Dixie.

D-i-x-i-e. Dixie peach glick.

I don't know who you are. This is good.

What is hanging between your fat legs today, man?

What's going on?

We just thought that--

we heard miss coolidge was under the weather,

so we brought her some flowers and want to say hello.

Just a little cheer.

I cannot understand your accent, man.

You talk like a terrible pig.

Well. There we go, just for you.

This is for miss coolidge.

Cannot have flowers.

She is allergist. You know, she take--sniff flowers,

her tits blow up like great sports balls.

Actually, give me the flowers.

Ooh, what a terrible affliction.

Listen, man, she cannot talking to you

because Miranda she--uh, is building a dishwasher.

Building-- building a dishwasher?

It's a hobby.

It's just--

get out, fat!

I'd love to see her!

Fatting!

Fat person! Bloat!

♪ It's raining men ♪

♪ hallelujah, it's raining men ♪

What sound?

You know what?

We've got that appointment with that dermatologist.

Thank you so much.

Terrible Dutch bitch!

♪ ...men, hallelujah ♪

♪ it's raining ♪

Why is my cell phone in there? I told you...

What I want to know-- because I killed her!

♪ I'm gonna let myself get ♪

What the hell was your cell phone doing in that room?

Don't you understand? That means I was really in that room.

Stupid, fat glick.

These are like terrible people.

To watch them make love must be very ugly.

Come on, come on.

What are you saying, "come here?"

What are you talking about? Shh!

Jiminy! This could be illegal.

Okay, not a word. Keep it quiet.

Now, listen to me, what I'm saying to you.

We've got to get into Miranda's room

and get that cell phone.

Jiminy, I don't-- don't! Wait a minute!

Oh, it's not bad.

Oh, it's horrible.

I want you to get on my back,

and then I'm gonna leap like a little frog.

Just...are you okay?

Look how close we are. See? It's not dangerous at all.

Oh! Oh!

Okay. It's fine, it's fine, it's fine.

This reminds me of that time you got disoriented in buffalo.

Remember? Yeah, I do.

Oh! Oh!

With Lucy liu on board, how does that affect Ashton?

Jiminy and Dixie: Aah!

No diving!

That was a great idea.

Sorry.

We're gonna do things my way now.

Where are you going? Just watch!

Okay. Here you go.

Move it.

All right, let's go. Come on.

Shh! Be quiet.

I know what I'm doing.

I'm sorry. There's nothing in there.

It's a closet.

I know what it is. I can see. I have eyes in my head.

Shh... Miss coolidge!

Shut up!

That's very good ass, baby.

We have a fuck later, okay, man?

Whoa.

These are nice digs. Oh...

Va-va-va-voom. Look how movie stars live.

This reminds me...

I wanted these for the breezeway.

Hey, handsomeness,

this reminds me of a little trip we took to tampa.

I remember that trip.

Uh-uh-uh-uh.

Most boys wait till the end of the day

to get their parfait.

♪ It's raining men ♪

♪ hallelujah, it's raining men ♪

Holy cow! It's my phone!

♪ Raining men ♪

Where's it coming from?

♪ I'm gonna let myself get ♪

♪ absolutely soaking wet ♪

It's my phone! My phone!

Can you believe my phone was there?

Uh, no, I can't.

What is your phone doing in the room of the bed of a woman?

So the fact that she might have been bludgeoned,

that's no longer of concern to you, is it?

I'm gonna knock the shit out of you.

Oh? And what am I gonna be doing

when you're knocking the "s" out of me?

I don't care what you're doing. You want a piece of me?

I'll punch you-- I'll sucker punch you right in the box.

Find your own place!

♪ It's raining men ♪

♪ hallelujah, it's raining men ♪

♪ amen ♪

♪ I'm gonna go out ♪

♪ I'm gonna let myself-- ♪

Hello?

Oh, hi, Cuba gooding, Jr., how are you?

Wonderful.

Sly Stallone stole your Caesar salad?

You know what? I can't have this conversation right now.

It's just-- it's not a good time.

Aah!

Let's go, let's go! Go, go, go, go, go!

Daddy, Miranda coolidge is dead.

I saw her body in a garment bag in a closet.

And my question to you is,

if you're up in heaven,

and if Miranda coolidge is up there with you,

would you please ask her if my husband murdered her?

I'm sorry. Anyway...

Gee, Kurt Russell is jovial.

Good for him.

...some things came together that day

that I can honestly say I don't think have ever...

And yet I'm so confused.

If I killed Miranda coolidge,

why would Andre divine try to cover it up?

Anytime...

Oh! That's--that's-- that was wonderful!

You worked-- you worked--you--

you worked--you-- you--you--

you--you worked--

you--you--you worked--

I can't help you.

You worked with Elvis. Elvis. Yes.

Tell me about Elvis Presley.

I love Elvis! Tell me about him.

I was 10 years old, I guess,

and he was coming down onto the set in his car--

oh, that's wonderful.

And then you end up playing Elvis.

How does that feel?

That's like a full journey, I suppose.

Yeah, it was. It was, uh...

I'm just theorizing. I don't know if I'm right on this here,

but it seems like if you meet someone, then you do 'em--

I didn't meet him and do him. I mean, you know...

But I mean that if you meet him--

and then play him. Play him.

Did you have any instinct then

that his daughter might end up marrying Michael Jackson?

I--you know-- I was a 10-year-old kid.

I had no--i wasn't looking into the future.

Nic cage?

That she would marry nic cage?

Yes.

No, that--i gotta be honest with you...

And then you did-- oh, my god!

I love-- I love snake plissken!

Escape from New York, escape from L.A.

Fun. Good, great fun time.

He was like Sammy Davis, Jr.

I guess you're going with the eye patch there.

Had snake lost his eye? It was a big mystery.

We never figured that out.

Why would he wear an eye patch

unless he was on the way to a masquerade party?

Something had happened to him. Something had happened to him.

I'm going with lost his eye or lost his mind,

because you don't wear an eye patch

unless your-- your eye is running,

you're blind, someone's poked it.

We just came up with the idea.

We said, you know, "snake should have an eye patch."

Why didn't you black out two front teeth and do a hoedown?

No, he was supposed to be, a tough guy, a bad guy,

so I thought I'd wear an eye patch.

There's nothing wrong with him,

but let's assume he's lost his eye!

That was it. I'm not gonna get angry here.

But that's the kind of-- it's the new Hollywood attitude.

I think you're supposed to be creative. I think that's fair.

You should try to create a character that people might remember

or find right for the movie. That's all that was.

Well, then, I'll put a turban on and not explain it.

Dixie: Matthew!

Modine!

Boys?

Are you down here?

Your husband is not a murderer.

Well, if he didn't do it, then who did?

This way! This way!

This is Jay schiffer at the final awards ceremony

at the Toronto film festival,

and to our francophone friends...

I can't believe you're still mad at me.

Of course I'm angry at you.

I can't believe you think I'd kill someone with a knife.

What about that time I was on that bender in Branson?

That was different. You were standing on a ledge,

and you pissed on the crowd below.

We haven't heard from the police, which is a bad sign.

I just know I'm gonna be arrested.

I'm sorry I called the police.

When I find a dead body, I call the police.

And the winner... Goyim, goyim, gone.

Rabbi Bernard schleifling.

First of all, I will not do well in prison.

You're not going to prison. Well, I hope not.

That's just silly.

Because I'll be known as new meat.

Well, you already are known as new meat.

There's a line in the mishnah that says,

"he who makes a name for himself destroys his name,"

But I don't believe that, because tonight I feel like god!

Here to present the Carl reis award

for best editing of a black-and-white feature film,

ladies and gentlemen, Miranda coolidge.

Oh, my god, she's alive.

She's alive.

She looks good.

When Carol reitz first published

his semenal work on film editing...

Man: Seminal!

...many of the film editors nominated tonight

were still in diapers.

It's like I've done ecstasy or something.

I'm not. I've only had, like, six or seven gins.

And the winner... Bernard clairvaux.

Fabulous.

I guess Bernard is not here. Well...

I guess I'll be accepting his award this evening for him.

Thank you. Thanks.

Wow. I have to say that this is really an honor.

You have all been so supportive of Miranda coolidge

through these incredibly difficult times.

Thank you. This means the world to me.

I love you all.

What a lovely, lovely woman.

God!

Well, I am in a state of shock.

Jiminy: Oh, my god! Cheeses! This is typical.

They always make people finger everything.

Where were you? I look out in the audience, you're not there.

What do you mean? I was standing right here?

People applauding me. I was back.

And I'm out there on the stage, and I'm giving and I'm giving,

and all I ask is that you show up.

I cannot show up if I am chasing whores!

The only person I needed--

what do you think I'm doing, you stupid slut?

Where is the liquor? There's no liquor here.

What did you see in that closet?

I saw a dead body,

and I will swear on my sweet lord Jesus that I did.

I'm standing right here, dear. I think that--

Jiminy, what was that? What?

What ha--?

Mr. Divine is dead.

Who did this to him?

I did it. I did it.

I did it.

Goddamn it, mother, can't I have something of my own?

I did it!

This is absolutely mind-boggling,

because this is just like the Lana turner/ Johnny stompanato scenario.

Think of it-- that could be stompanato.

Follow me in this. I know I'm losing you.

She would be Lana Turner,

and you would--

yes! You would be the daughter.

Oh, my goodness, it's like a puzzle.

But what is the answer to the puzzle?

Perhaps I can shed some light.

Take a seat, won't you?

Sure.

I like the idea of a dark road.

You see, life is filled with, uh, mysteries,

and some of those mysteries can be very abstract.

Like the night at the party for queens of Africa.

Miranda got very, very drunk.

When this kind of thing happened,

Dee Dee would dress up as Miranda

in an attempt to fool the paparazzi.

Hey, look, they're all here to see me.

Here's a suggestion.

Since this is obviously going to take a little bit of time,

should we order in some box lunches?

All: Shh!

So I'm the only one who's hungry.

Is that the game we're going to play? Shh!

Hush now, lumpy, hush now.

Anywho...

At that point of time,

Randall bookerton had been hatching a devious plan.

I have to wring it out. It is because of me.

We need that little fat bastard right there to see our movie.

Until he do, we ain't gettin' nowhere.

Him. He's got the power to make or break us.

Where is your penis, man?

♪ 'Cause it's solo ♪

♪ all alone ♪

♪ on my own ♪

He in the bathroom, Jack fool!

Please don't harm me!

What the hell's wrong with you? Get him out of here.

Come on!

Oh, please, it's like a nightmare!

Lynch: They took jiminy across town

to a local Canadian hip hop club

called pimps and hosers...

Jiminy: What a charming dance hall.

...where they forced him to watch their film.

Where did all the trees go, momma?

We in the city now, baby.

They don't got trees.

Careful, little roach.

Looks like that big ol' transvestite

is fixin' to whip his dick out

and pee right on the sidewalk!

Bookerton: What you are watching is art.

This is africanimation.

Lynch: They spiked his alcohol to ensure a rave review.

I never drink beer. It's like hanging with common people.

This is fun. Yes. Go ahead.

Lord, look at the way he takes that.

That's real good.

Jiminy: That is so true.

Someone evidently had slipped me half a roofie.

And, oh, my god,

I am completely now mentally insane,

tripping amidst a sea of frightening imagery.

All: Shh!

The next person who shushes me is in trouble.

Lest we forget

that I was leg-wrestling champion of my dormitory.

Anywho...

At that point of time,

glick is so intoxicated,

he thinks he's watching a classic.

You gonna die!

Do it!

No!

Lynch: Satisfied their screening had been successful,

it was time to party.

What the hell happened?

Lynch: Glick staggers back to the fairmount hotel,

where he runs into Dee Dee, who he thinks is Miranda.

I need to rest, I think.

You could maybe crash out up in my room.

You know, I have something I'd like to show you.

Oh, I've got something I'd love to show you.

Lynch: Before Dee Dee can show him

the script she's trying to sell...

Glick passes out.

At that time, uh...

Natalie rushed into the bed

to find a passed-out jiminy glick.

This was the kind of darkness...

Are you cheating on me?

...that drew the magnet of madness into her hand.

She picked up a knife

and stabbed... Stabbed...Stabbed...!

...stabbed!

Stabbed!

The way I see it.

Dixie: Jiminy, quit eatin'.

Sometimes, strangely enough,

when I'm choking, more food helps.

Lynch: When Miranda and Andre finally returned,

they found Natalie unconscious.

Oh, my god! Get up!

Natalie, she's fallen like a Russian stewardess, man.

These are mine! I've been looking for these!

Quick! We have to make her tea from her own clothing!

I pick her up like a fireman in my country.

Hey! Burned person! Get up now!

Get up off the ground, you charcoal!

That did not work. All right, you take her. Come on.

Mommy's here.

Come on. I be mommy.

Just...boil water in a government can.

She's gonna throw up.

I know. We have to stick a long thing down her throat.

I take out my cock, you make it happy.

Oh, shut up! Come on, honey.

Come on. I tickle back of throat.

Barf big for mommy.

Ugh. Jesus.

That smells like the government building in rigash.

Oh, mom, he's grabbing my butt again. Mom!

We gotta get her into the bedroom.

Crazy person, into the bed. Oh...

Miranda: Oh, my god! Andre: Oh, my lord!

Natalie: I killed her. She killed Dee Dee.

There was another guy in the bed, I swear to god.

Who in bed?

Louie Anderson was in bed with Dee Dee.

Fat man Louie Anderson. I hate that guy.

This hotel is so full of fat baby mans.

What are we gonna do?

Lynch: At that point,

Miranda's maternal instincts kicked in,

and she hired a private jet to take she and Natalie

back to their compound in New Jersey.

I didn't know that.

Meanwhile, Andre arranged the disposal of Dee Dee's body,

utilizing, shall we say,

some former business associates.

There is lesbian in bag in hallway. Take her away!

Dixie: Wait a minute. Now I'm confused.

Who was that body that I saw in that closet?

That was Andre's blow-up sex doll.

He had to have it, like, six or seven times a night.

Good gracious! You poor thing! It's ridiculous.

I don't know why he wouldn't just go

for some good old-fashioned porno.

Miranda: You watch porno? Dixie: I like it hardcore.

'Cause they generally have big, big, big penises,

if you know what I mean!

'Course, fuckin' me after four kids

is like fuckin' a purse, but that's why I generally--

honey...

Remember what I told you about the word "mystique"?

Sometimes, when you create a little mystique...

If we could just try to remember

that I have a pedicure booked at midnight.

My, that would be appreciated.

Thanks.

At any rate,

back in New Jersey, Natalie found Dee Dee's diary

and discovered that Dee Dee and Andre

were having an affair.

Natalie boarded the next plane to Toronto

and confronted him.

She was my girlfriend and she loved me until you came along!

You are like a terrible Mexican woman with a radio in her pussy, man!

Shut up! You make no sense, you hairy bastard!

I make sense!

Oh...!

Andre...

Has new hole...

On his front!

Hey. Hey.

Yeah, I had some charges on my room,

charges for some minibar stuff.

Okay, well, we can look over that.

See, I don't do anything "mini."

What's your room number, sir?

I don't think you understand who I am.

We just won the best picture here.

Yeah!

We won that. Us. We did.

Miranda, smile for the camera.

A little privacy in these trying times, please.

Gentlemen, please. Please. My client has no comment.

She's been directed to speak only to the authorities

or through me, her manager and friend, Barry king.

There'll be a press conference this evening

where all questions will be answered

including some very exciting tidbits

about some wonderful projects that we have upcoming.

We're all very lucky.

Rob lowe: That's the problem with interviews today in Hollywood.

It's all about the sound bite. Hurry up. Get the sound bite.

You want something from me that you can put together

and then you can run in a promo--

Rob lowe eats a sandwich down on rodeo drive with Demi Moore!"

That's not the way I live my life. I'm a real person.

Isn't it amazing?

Just six months ago, when I was talking to Arlene sheehy,

I was so bored,

and here I am talking to brat packer Rob lowe, no less.

...i, me, me, I, i, me, I...

...and I'm equally bored.

What have I learned, I wonder.

Oh, yes. Celebrities can be dull.

When the shutter goes like this,

it's actually not photographing you.

Not photographing, not photographing,

not photographing, not photographing.

It's what's not photographed

that lends the mystery to film acting.

You can't get it from the stage.

You cannot get it from the stage.

What's your kryptonite? Mine's cheese parmesan.

What would yours be?

Uh...

What is my kryptonite?

What did I just ask?

Let's see. My kryptonite, I guess...

Boy, I don't know. Fast cars? I don't know.

I'm glad I asked you. That's--that's a good one.

That really shows you're at the top of your game.

Yeah. What's your--? Oh, you already said.

Cheese parmesan. I'll rewind the tape.

Kurt Vogel--

This is like sitting in the principal's office!

Kurt Vogel--

yes?

I'm not gonna come close to making it!

You're gonna be fine.

Kurt--Kurt Vogel Russell-- is that your name?

That's it, jiminy.

Oh, shit!

And you were a cheerleader.

I was, in high school.

Yoo-hoo!

Everyone must have stared at you.

Talk about being gay!

What was that like?

Why wouldn't you join the team like normal fellas?

Why did you want to get the pom-poms going

and be like a big, silly yoo-hoo?

Why did you want to be a cheerleader, Steve Martin?

Uh, well, i-- need to recompose myself.

Yes, I'll ask that again. Ready?

No, don't. I'll just pick it up.

Okay. Hold it.

Everyone said, "this is gonna stiff!

And it's gonna be dull."

And, I mean, Goldie hawn said that to me in the hallway.

She said, "this is a waste of your time."

She's kind of right.

This is her opinion,

and she pushed about four other friends on me as an option.

Well, this has been absolutely fun.

None of it is usable.

We edit tremendously, and I can't see it working.

♪ We're goin' all night ♪

♪ yeah, 'cause it's all right ♪

♪ when we hit the floor ♪

♪ we're goin' all night ♪

♪ and when the daylight comes, gonna beg for more ♪

♪ I get in my favorite song ♪

♪ the place is jumpin' ♪

♪ 'cause the d.J.'S givin' it up ♪

♪ and I really like ♪

♪ the way the music's feelin' ♪

♪ think I'll dance till the sun comes up ♪

♪ we're goin' crazy ♪

♪ everyone's movin' ♪

♪ so come and get me ♪

♪ if you can ♪

♪ 'cause it's all right ♪

♪ yeah, 'cause it's all right ♪

♪ we're goin' all night ♪

♪ yeah, 'cause it's all right ♪

♪ when we hit the floor ♪

♪ goin' all night ♪

♪ we're goin' all night ♪

♪ and when the daylight comes gonna beg for more ♪

♪ gonna beg for more ♪

Hello! I'm jiminy glick, and welcome to lalawood!

Jiminy: I'm one of these guys that needs it regular.

Andre: Don't touch me, man. I'm not a homoist.

Jiminy: Let's talk about all the different

Hollywood ladies you've balled.

Andre: People in the room say,

"look at the girl. She has wonderful tits.

I go upstairs alone, and I rub against things."

"I go upstairs alone, and I rub against things."

Jiminy: Kiefer! Kiefer!

Kiefer! Kiefer!

Kiefer! Kiefer!

Kiefer! Kiefer!

Kiefer!

Is it true that you shaved your down-there hair?

Andre: You are like a terrible Mexican woman

with a radio in her pussy!

Jiminy: Kiefer! Kiefer!

Kiefer!

Kiefer!!!

Jiminy: Would you do nudity?

Arlene: If it was tastefully done.

Jiminy: It couldn't be, dear.

Arlene: Oh, I can think of some things.

Jiminy: No, it couldn't be. Trust me, it couldn't be.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

I'm one of these guys that needs it regular.

Lynch: Hush now, lumpy, hush now.

Jiminy: I need a nightly pop from my lady.

And sometimes Dixie's awake for it.

Usually not.

Mario: Man, I'll knock your ass out.

Bookerton: 1...2...3...4...5.

See, I'm for real. You believe that.

Andre: That's very good ass, baby.

We have a fuck later, okay, man?

Dixie: 'Course, fuckin' me after four kids

is like fuckin' a purse.

You're darn right.

Nah mean?

Jiminy: I'm lovin' what you're giving me, my lady!

Lynch: I like the idea of a dark road,

for I know that the darkness of the unknown

is like a magnet

luring the innocent into a world of corruption.

Nah mean?

Nah mean?

Nah mean?

Boat captain: Pull harder, you foxy-looking piece of ass.

Nah mean?

Nah mean?

Jiminy: You've seen the crown jewels.

Sharon: I have.

Jiminy: And the scepter.

Kiefer! Kiefer!

Kiefer!!!

Oh, kiefer's coming back! I like him now.

♪ You gotta try to keep the faith ♪

♪ and, no, it's not too late ♪

♪ to believe, to believe ♪

♪ to believe ♪

♪ when there's no hope in sight ♪

♪ never lose the fight ♪

♪ to believe, to believe ♪

♪ to believe ♪

♪ to believe, to believe ♪

♪ to believe ♪

♪ to believe, to believe ♪

♪ to believe ♪

Jiminy: I love the shallowness of it all!