Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

[light violin music]

- [Charlene] Well, Dr. Bowman.

See, I've never really been in therapy before.

How about I just start at the beginning?

[footsteps thudding] [alarm sounding]

Dear diary.

The Nazis are coming.

No, it's worse!

My parents!

[light jazz music]

- [Mel] What the hell is wrong with you?

You're a mashugana.

Hiding in closets, thinking you're Anne Frank.

- [Charlene] I was always trying

to run away from my oddball family,

but there was no escaping them.

I was inevitably captured and dragged back to our

bunker in Coney Island.

My friend's mom told me not to come back.

My mom made sure of it.

- I don't want you to associate

with those people.

Understand?

- [Charlene] Growing up with a pair

of showbiz parents wasn't easy, believe me.

I think years of doing shows in the Catskills and

smoky nightclubs took its toll on them.

It's no wonder I ended up in therapy.

- If Charlene doesn't kill us, your driving is going to.

- [Mel] Oh, leave me alone.

- Don't tell me--

- You don't know what the hell you're talking about.

- I know what I'm talking about.

Worst driver I've ever been with in my whole life,

I'll tell you right now.

- [Mel] The worst driver--

- No, I'm a good driver, oh!

- Look what you made me do!

- What I made you, are these hands on the wheel?

Don't tell me what I made you do!

- These hands around your neck,

that's what these hands--

[truck horn honks]

- Very nice, in front of your daughter.

Very nice.

[light piano and violin music]

- [Charlene] One time my parents

forced me to perform a violin

recital in front of the whole family.

Grandma's double Ds doubled as a music stand.

I was ridiculed for my creativity.

Everybody laughed, including my sisters,

Louise and Karen, and my obnoxious brothers, Dave and Cliff.

[all laughing]

When Grandma died, which was in no way related to the violin

playing, my parents came into a large inheritance.

- Silvers, blindfolds off!

- Wow!

- [Charlene] Coney Island was behind us,

and my dad bought the most tasteless mansion in Manhattan.

- I told you, Charlene, there's no firing squad.

- [Charlene] When I was told there were 30 rooms

and 11 and a half bathrooms,

I figured there'd be plenty of places to hide.

[light jazz music]

- Hello, hello, hello, and welcome.

I'm Mrs. Silver.

Now this, of course, is the living room,

or as I like to call it, Le Salon.

We like everything around here immaculate.

I like a clean mansion, all right?

To begin with, these are my objects d'arte.

Very rare.

Mang Dynasty.

Soft cloth, no nails, no nails.

Scotchgard, nothing to worry about here.

Uh-uh!

Only the family on the carpet.

I'm sorry.

Come around this way.

Over here, little objects.

There, of course, is my china.

It is locked.

Nothing to do with you, but totally counted.

Just in case.

Just in case.

This we found in Transylvania.

This is cleaned with Bab-O and a soft cloth.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Bab-O.

Do you understand the word?

Bab-O?

Now when you dry it, never rub.

We had a terrible thing happen.

You blow.

[blowing]

- [Charlene] As fast as the agency sent

over prospective servants,

my mother would scare them away.

My siblings and I were forced to do all the cleaning.

Just as I was about to report them to the Child Welfare

Department, super Lawrence arrived from Haiti, and we

welcomed him with open arms.

- [Mel] Hello!

- Mr. Silver.

- Ah, welcome, Lawrence.

- Thank you, sir.

What?

Lord have mercy!

Snow!

[Mel laughing]

Snow!

- What do you think of your first snowfall?

- It's beautiful, Mr. Silver.

- Lawrence!

I'm going to call you that.

Isn't it exciting?

Your first day with us and your first snowfall.

Welcome, welcome, welcome!

Did the agency tell you?

I used to be a singer.

- [Mel] And a good one, too.

[light piano music] [laughs]

♪ You made me love you

♪ I didn't wanna do it

And here I am at the Playboy Club in Akron.

They held me over six weeks, Lawrence.

Six weeks.

Oh.

And I was opening for Cookie Combo there.

He thought I was going to be a star.

And here I am pregnant.

I was married to Mel already.

[crying]

Here I am pregnant.

- Oh, ma'am.

You were very pretty.

- What do you mean "were"?

She's still gorgeous.

A rose never loses its bloom.

- Mel!

- Sorry, Mr. Silver.

- Do you remember that song from my repertoire

about the roses?

- And the tulips.

- That's the one!

♪ You made me sigh for

♪ I didn't wanna do it

[laughs]

♪ I didn't wanna say it

♪ I need your love

- Come over here.

[humming]

Come here.

Lawrence, you have to relax.

Right now they are in a Manhattan nightclub

about 20 years ago, and my mom is on stage

singing to my dad in the audience.

Oh, gross.

Oh, my God.

[Klezmer music]

- [Charlene] We were all banished

to summer concentration camp, Camp Shalom.

For the first time in my life, I had my freedom, but I felt

kind of lonely.

[grunting]

When I first saw Todd DeWitt,

it was love at first sight.

- [Todd] It likes to be touched.

- [Charlene] Oh!

Todd, stop it!

[laughs]

- [Todd] Look at it.

Look at it, it's twitching.

[laughs]

- [Charlene] You touch it enough.

I know what you do in here all alone.

[upbeat rock music]

Ow.

Ouch.

I thought this was supposed to feel good.

- It feels great.

[horn honks]

- Well, my parents hated Todd.

It didn't fit in with their new social status

for me to be dating a boy who worked in a garage.

My parents' idea of the perfect boyfriend

was Robbie Applebaum.

That's because his dad was a shrink

and they figured the Applebaum doesn't

fall far from the tree.

A doctor's son was almost as good as a doctor.

Robbie, look, please don't be hurt,

you know, but what we're doing here,

it has nothing to do with any emotional attachment

that I feel towards you.

- I know.

You're only doing this to punish your parents

for liking me just because my dad's a shrink

and we live in Kings Point.

[chuckles]

I get this from girls all the time.

[upbeat rock music]

- The sun is shining,

but it's a black day for me, Lawrence.

No offense.

Charlene is my first child I've ever had

to go to a school for.

- Excuse me, Mrs. Silver, but my oldest brother Edward

once got so drunk that he

actually propositioned a nun.

- How tragic for your mother.

Why are you telling me this, Lawrence?

- Because now, darlin', you feel better,

knowing someone is worse off than you.

- No one's worse off than I am, Lawrence.

I have stretch marks that start at my ears.

- Did Charlene have your

permission to cut school twice this week

and leave the field trip?

- Absolutely not.

She only has my permission to go

to school and do her homework

and shoo the homeless away from the front of our mansion.

- My youngest sister Kathryn used to cut school

and go drinking at the 24-hour discotheque

where everyone was naked.

- Here in Manhattan?

- [Charlene] Now all I wanted was acceptance.

The school year was starting,

so I decided to go back with a new look.

[upbeat rock music]

I was totally convinced looking differently

would make me feel differently.

And, oddly enough, it did.

With my mother's wig on my head,

I was self-empowered and above

what everybody else thought of me.

Marjie Shuler, who is "Christie Brinkley meets Satan,"

snapped me out of that idea.

- Hey, your hair really rings my bell.

Ding dong!

[laughing]

- [Blanche] Charlene, you did not eat

your delicious turkey roll.

- [Charlene] I'm dieting.

- You are not dieting.

You lost your appetite because

that girl pulled you wig off at

school and you are humiliated.

- You know, you don't have to

look so happy about it!

Okay?

It was your wig, and she has it!

And I'm never going back to school!

- Mel.

Mel, did you hear that tone of voice?

Mel?

Mel, would you please tell

her not to speak like that to her mother?

- Don't talk to your mother like that!

- [Charlene] Great.

[door slamming]

Now everybody hated me.

It was just one big happy family united against me.

Except for Lawrence.

He was my only ally.

Lawrence gave me the courage to stand up for myself.

[light orchestral music]

I sensed the satanic blonde presence.

[sighs]

- The cremation ceremony for your wig will be

at 3:30 behind the boys' gym.

Will you attend?

- Only if your bobby-socks boobs are fine enough with it!

[laughing]

Bobby-socks boobs!

She has bobby-socks boobs!

Whoo!

I loved Todd.

If only my parents could have seen it.

I tried reasoning with my dad.

Dad.

- Hmm?

Oh.

- Hi.

Do you want some, um, cookies with your tea?

- What tea?

You just talked over it.

I can't drink that now.

- Dad, I'm your daughter, okay?

Our germs are related.

It's just tea.

- Oy!

Ugh!

Get me my eyewash.

Do you have to spit when you talk?

My goodness.

[upbeat rock music]

- [Charlene] Then I tried reasoning with my mom.

- You are forbidden to see that Flatbush boy ever again!

Lawrence!

They say you people are excellent athletes.

Go get her for me.

- Charlene!

Charlene!

Hold it, child.

Easy.

Take it easy.

All right.

Now good luck, hmm?

And remember, keep your eyes

open and your mouth shut before

your foot can walk in.

- Mine has already worn a path through my mouth.

It's too late, Lawrence.

- All right.

[upbeat rock music]

- [Charlene] Hi.

- Oh, no.

Now what are we gonna do?

- Todd, they won't let me see you.

- Come inside.

Look, that's just it.

What if your parents called the police?

Hmm?

The moment we're seen, I'll be arrested

for violating a minor.

Call your parents.

Tell them you're coming home.

- What about us, Todd?

- I, Charlene, maybe they're right.

Maybe it's for the best.

I can't jeopardize my dream of one day owning

my dad's gas station.

[kids giggling] [funk music]

- Get in here!

- Mother, Father, forgive me, for I have sinned.

- Not good enough, Charlene.

Do you understand me?

Not good enough!

- We were worried sick!

- I never thought I would live

to see the day that my own

daughter turned out to be,

close your ears, children, a tramp!

A tramp!

I am ashamed, ashamed to be seen with you in public.

- Go upstairs and don't come

down until you go to college.

- Are all my suitcases in?

- [Mel] Everything's in.

I have your typewriter.

- Okay.

Lawrence!

Lawrence, we're leaving!

- Oh, look at you!

- Is that okay?

- Very college.

[laughs]

- Okay, all right.

- Remember everything I have told you.

- Yeah, I always do.

- Eat breakfast no matter what.

It doesn't matter.

Men like a girl with a little flesh on them.

And promise me, whatever you do,

remember the hitchhiking girl in Boston.

That man was drunk--

- Hacked off her arms.

- He chopped off her arms.

He's free, Charlene.

- Okay, all right.

- Her life was ruined.

She could never eat M&M's.

She could never eat corn on the cob.

She could never knit anymore.

Be careful.

- Okay, I'll be careful!

Bye.

- Bye.

- Bye.

Bye!

Bye!

Bye, Daddy.

- Did mother tell you about

the hitchhiker from Boston?

- Yeah, yeah, she told me.

- Be careful.

- Okay.

Wait, where's my typewriter?

- There's your typewriter.

- Call!

Call!

- [Charlene Voiceover] I was free at last.

I was off to college to pursue my dreams.

It turned out being grounded so much helped me

develop a vivid imagination.

I was convinced I was going to

be the next great American writer.

- Bye!

[light orchestral music]

- [Charlene] When I first saw Ray,

it was love at first sight.

- Charlene.

- What?

- You're like a sports car parked at the curb.

Even when it sits there, it still looks fast.

- It's my energy.

I've been told I have an aura of noise about me.

- You do.

I'm gonna be the last boyfriend you'll ever have.

- Are you planning to marry me or kill me?

[knocking on door]

- Enter.

- Mom, Dad, I'm getting married.

- Charlene, I, I didn't even

know you were going with anyone.

- Well, I was afraid if I told

you about Ray, you'd forbid me to see him.

- Did he at least give you an engagement ring?

- Yeah.

- May I see it, please?

May I just see it?

[laughs]

Oh, Charlene.

That is a pearl!

Not an engagement ring,

that is a cocktail ring.

Learn the difference.

An engagement ring is a diamond,

a cocktail ring is a pearl.

I don't even want to hear about

this boy anymore, do you understand me?

I don't want hear about him until

you get a real engagement ring.

- He's a loser!

Lose him!

- He's not a loser.

He has his own car.

[glass shattering] [all cheering]

No sooner did I say

I do when my sister said--

- And I do, too!

Joel and I have just decided to get married.

- Hey!

- [Charlene Voiceover] Goosed!

On this, my very own wedding day,

she announces her engagement

to Mr. Harvard Law School,

and I was marrying a man who worked at Carpet World.

- Where am I?

- We're in the hospital.

- How did we get here?

What happened to us?

- We had a race car accident on the way to the hotel.

A driver on the other side of

the road crashed right into us!

No witnesses!

No insurance!

The car vanished into thin air!

- It took eight months for me to realize that it

was God behind the wheel of the car that crashed us.

Does that answer your question?

He must have been trying to stop us from continuing our

hour-long marriage.

No.

Do you speak any English?

- Charlene!

- What?

- I'm leaving you.

This isn't working out.

[upbeat rock music]

- [Charlene Voiceover] My disastrous first marriage over,

I decided to concentrate on my writing career.

After sending out over 1,000 resumes,

I finally landed my first interview.

[laughing]

[clears throat]

- Well, it, it's a nice resume, you know?

It's not a great resume.

See, what's missing from this resume

is I don't hear it say, "Hire me."

A great resume says, "Hire me."

You hear it.

Do you hear anything?

I'm not hearing anything.

I'm listening, but I don't hear.

A great resume goes, "Please hire me!

"Hire me right now or I'll die in the streets!

"Oh, God, hire me!"

And I don't hear that here.

- Okay, um, Mr. Levy,

I know my resume doesn't sound

desperate enough to you,

but I would do anything to get this job.

- Look.

- What?

- I was thinking.

You know, I could easily hire you.

- Really?

- But see, the problem is I'd be killing your career.

- You would?

- I'd be taking your career and crushing, ow!

Ow!

You did it again.

- I'm sorry.

- Like five fishhooks.

- Sorry.

[sighs]

I'd be killing your career.

You're too good to be doing comic books.

- I am?

- Yeah.

I mean, look, did Shakespeare do comic books?

- I don't know.

Did he?

- No, he didn't.

[sighs]

Anyway, look, I think you should go out

to the West Coast.

- Really?

- That way, you could live and move ahead.

That's where you could spread your wings.

- Oh.

Oh, I see.

Now that I've spread my legs, you mean.

Is that what you're saying?

Okay, so I probably shouldn't

have slept with him.

But he did give me one good piece of advice.

I decided to join my sister in LA.

Louise says there are six things a woman

needs to get ahead here.

White clothes, blonde highlights,

a tan, breast implants,

a good agent, and the most important thing,

a psychic.

Oh, man.

- Pack, Charlene.

Your sister's in therapy now

and is finally putting herself first.

- [Charlene] You're gonna throw me out, Louise?

Again?

I just moved to Los Angeles.

I thought--

- Louise.

Louise.

I see you're gonna sell two TV

scripts and marry your boyfriend Mark.

- Oh!

- Congratulations.

- You two have a brother

and he's gonna need his own private

bank to store all the money he's

gonna make as a TV producer.

- [Charlene] Wow.

- It's really kind of exciting.

Oh.

Oh.

- [Charlene] What?

- I see two sisters working with him.

- Oh!

- [Psychic] Louise and Karen.

- Karen?

Wait a minute, um, Miss Psychic.

As you know, I'm paying good money for this

reading, and I don't wanna hear

about Cliff and Dave and Karen.

I wanna hear about me.

What about me?

What happens to me?

- Charlene, I have your cup right here.

- [Charlene] You do?

- [Psychic] Charlene?

- What?

- You're going to marry

a doctor named Steven.

- [Louise] Ooh.

- I'm gonna marry a doctor?

A doctor named Steven?

- [Psychic] That's what it says right here.

- Oh, my God!

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Does it, how, how do I meet him?

What, what do I do?

- Just live your life and he'll present himself.

- Live my life?

What life?

- Charlene.

- [Charlene] What?

- You, too, will know success,

but first you will know Steven.

[glass shattering] [all cheering]

- [Charlene] Lola's predictions were coming true.

Louise was getting married, and I hoped I was next.

- Mel!

Mel!

- Dad?

Oh, my God!

Daddy!

Daddy!

Are you all right?

Daddy, talk to me!

- I hate this family so much!

Please send an ambulance right away!

My father's having a heart attack!

At my wedding!

- [Charlene] Oh, my God!

Daddy, don't die!

Please don't die!

We love you so much!

Please, Daddy!

Breathe!

- Charlene, get the hell off of me!

- Mel!

Mel, talk to me!

Say something!

- Are the caterers still gonna charge us?

- [Blanche] Charlene, get his Rolex.

They steal everything.

- Doc, what happened to me?

- Too much excitement

and a little indigestion, Mel.

You're gonna be fine.

- [All] Ah!

- I only hope my heart is half

as strong as yours when I'm 10 years younger than you.

- Aw.

- Excuse me, Dr. Steven?

May I have a word with you?

- Certainly.

- Is this covered by the insurance?

- I made a phone call.

Not only are we covered,

we're making money, Mel.

- [Charlene] My name's Charlene.

- Hi, Charlene.

- I have a little problem,

and I was wondering if you

could help me with it.

- What's the problem?

- I, too, have a tremendous

pain in my heart, and I'm not

a hypochondriac like my father.

- What can I do for you, Charlene?

- Well, I was wondering if you

might like to examine my chest.

- I'd be delighted.

- Thank you.

[inhales] [exhales]

- Wow.

You have a very big heart.

- Um, that's because I'm not wearing a bra.

[giggles]

- I have a nine-inch needle that can

cure pretty much anything.

- Nine inches?

Will it hurt?

- Yes.

But I could give it to you orally.

- Well, Doctor, I think I may

be in need of that kind of

extreme treatment sometime

in the very near future,

so, um, do you have a card or--

- Absolutely.

- Any way I can get a hold of you?

Telephone?

Pager number?

Fax, perhaps?

- Oh.

- Are these your children?

- Yes, except for the Asian albino.

- Wow, so many of them.

Your wife must be very fertile.

- Actually, my ex-wife.

- Oh.

- Very fertile.

- Hmm.

- Listen, I'm actually moving

back to Los Angeles to be near

the big-headed one.

He's developed a complex about

the size of his head.

- Well, what a coincidence.

I recently moved to Los Angeles

myself to get away from my family.

I have a complex about the size of my family.

[laughs]

- Well, why don't we get together?

Here's my number.

I'd love to play Hide the Thermometer with you.

- I happen to be very good with

long, cylindrical objects.

- Good.

[dramatic organ music]

- Would you like to examine my chest again?

- Please.

[dramatic organ music]

♪ Does he live

- Before my date,

I had a major makeover at the Beverly Center.

I hope he liked the new redheaded me.

Echinacea?

- No, thank you.

- Are you sure?

- I'm positive.

- It's good for your immune system.

I love 'em.

I take 'em all the time.

- [Woman] Shh.

- Oh, you shh.

Aside from my heart,

I'm actually a very healthy person.

- You certainly are.

- How's your heart?

I bet you have a cute one.

[giggles]

- [Woman] Hey.

- [Charlene] What?

Shut up.

[pager buzzing]

- I got a page.

- Oh, no.

- I have to answer this.

- Now?

Dr. Frankenstein is just about to sing.

- I know.

I'll be right back.

- Okay.

- [Woman] Excuse me.

Can you sit down, please?

[giggles]

- [Man] Hey.

Do you mind?

- [Woman] Sit down.

- [Man] My life begins--

- I couldn't believe it.

The actor playing Dr. Frankenstein

was Steffon Stevens.

Suddenly it hit me.

Maybe my Steven was an actor playing a doctor.

Oh, my God.

I love this person.

He's great.

- I'm gonna have to take off.

There's an emergency at the hospital.

- Oh, no.

Will you call me?

Please, call me.

- I will.

- Call me on your cell phone.

[giggles]

Do you mind?

This is private.

Can you believe people?

- Let him live!

[dramatic organ music]

[audience applauding]

- [Steffon] Well, hello there.

- Hello.

- Lost your way?

Ah.

- Good evening, Doctor, ahem, Mr. Stevens.

- Please, call me Steffon.

- Okay, Steffon.

I'm a big fan of yours,

and I have an idea for

a screenplay starring you that

I think could be a blockbuster.

Now, I want to be perfectly honest,

I'm not one of those big

Hollywood producers with money

to throw around.

I can't, for example,

take you to the Palm

and buy you blackened swordfish.

But what I can do is I can

offer you a cup of coffee with the lid on.

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

- What's your name again?

- Oh, I'm Charlene.

[passionate moaning]

- Steffon, do you like my idea?

- Oh, I love, yes, yes.

Oh, yes.

Me as a comic book hero, like Superman.

Yes, I like it.

- Yes.

Yes.

Only you would be called Shakespeare Man.

You'd be fighting crime using

the abilities and the powers of Shakespearean characters.

- Yes, yes, yes, yes.

- Do you like it?

- Yes, the magic of the,

and the courage of Henry V, not to mention Romeo.

- Yes.

[car horn honks]

- I like it.

I like it.

- Really?

- I like you, too.

- I like you, too, Steffon Stevens.

Steffon?

- Mm-hmm.

- I'm going to make you a star.

[laughs]

I'm ready for my close-up, Miss DeMille.

[light jazz music]

- [Charlene Voiceover] A major studio

bought "Shakespeare Man"

and Steffon went off to England to shoot it.

I saw my first five-figure check.

I was busy, happy, productive, and in love,

until I got a phone call from

Steffon telling me he fell in

love with his costar.

I stayed at home nights playing Internet gambling.

But even winning at Galaxy World

didn't do it for me.

Then it hit me.

I needed a real doctor, not an actor.

I had made a terrible mistake.

[passionate moaning]

[intercom beeping]

- [Woman Over PA] Dr. Stevens, the princess

and her father are here.

- My daddy's here?

- Look, I'm gonna have to call you.

- No, don't go.

Please stay.

Leave something with me.

- Leave something?

[laughs]

- Here.

- Oh.

Thank you.

[door clicking]

[singing in foreign language]

- [Steven] Hello, my princess.

How are you?

- Hello, my love.

Can we have a moment of privacy?

- Actually, we have reservations down

at Matutu's at eight o'clock.

- Oh, but, Steven, you know my father's always around.

- I know.

I kinda like it when Dad's around.

It makes things exciting.

Feel like we're gonna get caught.

Come on.

- Steven.

- You don't want to miss that voodoo burger now, do you?

Side of melon.

[imitating foreign language]

- [Charlene Voiceover] This doctor business

was a little trickier than I thought.

But I wasn't about to give up on my destiny.

I just needed to expand my search.

[light muzak]

[rings bell]

- Can I help you?

- Um, yes.

I only want to date doctors who

have a first or a last name Steven.

So I was wondering if I might be able to get a price

break on my membership.

- No.

- Oh.

Okay.

Well, um, how about if you ask your boss?

- No.

- Oh.

Well, that's too bad.

I really had my hopes up there for a minute.

- [Man Over PA] Charlene Silver!

- What?

- We'd like to present to you Dr. Steven Stevenson,

the man of your dreams.

- Okay.

[light organ music]

Oh!

Good!

Ha ha!

You're nice.

Very,

Aah!

I'll take all of 'em.

Hmm.

Manly.

Oh, nice!

Oh!

Oh, I want it!

Oh, honey!

Oh!

- Hello.

- Hello, Dr. Steven Stevenson.

- Yes, uh--

- Charlene.

- Charlene.

- Yes.

- So nice to see you.

- Thank you.

- How tall are you?

- Um, I'm five, seven.

- How much do you weigh?

- I don't know.

Why don't you pick me up and find out?

- It's not that important.

Don't mind me.

Please have a seat.

- All right.

- It's just that most women

who wear long skirts don't have nice legs.

- Hmm.

Really?

- You see, I'm used to dating

girls who wear short skirts or

dresses if they have nice legs,

or a cut above the knee if they don't.

- Oh.

Well, how unbelievably fascinating.

Oh, I'm sorry, did I accidentally kick,

what?

What, the shoes are no good?

- Well, that depends.

- [Charlene] Uh-huh.

- Do you think sexy is cool?

- Is this a trick question?

- Don't mind me.

I'm just a doctor, you know me.

[laughs]

- That's right.

That's what I keep reminding myself.

You're just a doctor.

Just a pugilistic, athletic,

motorcycle-riding, fun-loving doctor.

- What do I know?

- Well, I think it's time for a drink.

- How about a glass of wine?

- I would love a glass of wine.

- Perfect.

- [Charlene Voiceover] His message was clear.

I had to completely change my style

if I wanted to date him.

I was outraged at how readily I was willing to

transform myself to please him.

[upbeat rock music]

- Charlene?

[retching]

You okay?

[retching] [coughing]

You want a napkin?

- Thank you.

[coughs]

I think I got nauseous.

You were going around those turns so fast, I just--

- Charlene, I'm sorry,

but I, I just think that, uh,

this is not gonna work out with us.

We're just too different.

- Okay.

- Let me take you back home.

Come on.

- No.

You know what?

I think I'll just walk.

It's not that far.

- Charlene, hold on a second.

Come here.

Come here.

Um, let me drive you home

and then we'll break up later, okay?

- Okay.

- All right?

All right?

Come on.

Come on.

- You won't drive too fast?

- No, no, no.

I'll drive too slow, okay?

[starts engine]

- All my children are nose boogies.

This is the worst blizzard they ever had

in New York, and, Charlene,

not one of you has called me.

- Mom, Momma, I can't believe you.

All you do is complain.

Do I call you every time we have an earthquake?

No.

Okay, so fine.

Your house is cold,

but it's not like it was picked

up and thrown around like mine was.

I don't--

[Blanche sneezing]

Mom?

[Blanche sneezing]

Hello, Mom?

[phone clicking]

Mom?

I called my mother looking for comfort.

I don't know why I wasted my time.

We just got stuck in the game of dueling disasters.

Which reminds me of

my parents' favorite pastime, dueling ailments.

- I think I just snapped my clavicle.

- Blanche, Blanche, my back is killing me, Blanche.

- My head.

It's like two elephants are mating inside there.

- Am I the only one who thinks this room is spinning?

- Mel, do your fingers ever feel numb?

Just the tips?

- Tingling.

- Yes.

- A tingling.

Like a tingling.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- It's not a stroke, God forbid.

- I'm so nauseous.

I'm so nauseous, and yet I'm still hungry.

- Hungry.

- I'm nauseous and I'm hungry.

- [Charlene] It was around this

time that I realized I needed

to get a grip on my life.

There's more important things

than trying to marry a doctor

and please my parents, like my career.

I started a new job writing and producing,

and I was finally through with men.

[upbeat rock music]

- [Joey] Charlene, Charlene, Charlene.

- Hello, Joey.

- You know, last night,

I had a dream that we were lost in

a desert without anything to drink or eat--

- Right.

- But each other.

- That's not a dream, that's a nightmare.

[slurping]

- What is that bewitching scent?

- It's Bengay.

- Oh.

Hmm.

- You know something, Joey?

- Yeah?

- Not all women are susceptible

to a gorgeous guy with a great

body such as yourself and no personality.

Honey, the stone age is over.

This is the '90s.

Get with it.

[door clicking]

[sighs]

- Women.

Oh!

[door clicking]

[passionate moaning]

- Charlene?

Charlene, I need to speak to you at once.

- [Charlene] Hold on one second.

I'll be right out.

- Hurry.

This is an emergen--

- I'm terribly sorry, Jane.

I was right in the middle of something.

[door rattles]

- Listen, you've got to get now and do this trailer.

It's not even scary.

It doesn't work.

You've gotta put shots, the sponsors are very upset.

- Okay.

- I don't like it.

You gotta have a lot of helpless women, brutality.

- I'll get right on it.

- Do we have any shots of animals?

Excuse me.

- No, excuse me.

Um, thanks.

- Thank you, Johnny.

He, uh, he was fixing my modem.

He's really fast.

[laughs nervously]

- Three minutes!

- Okay.

- Now.

- Yes, sir, ma'am.

[sighing]

[explosion booming]

Okay.

All right, um, Dick.

I don't know the technical term

for what I want next, but I'll

just tell you what I see in my head,

and then you can tell me if you can handle it, okay?

- Are you sure you know what you're doing?

- [Charlene] Excuse me?

- No, I, no offense, but, I mean, other producers,

they don't work like this.

I mean, they got notes.

They know what frame they want to go to.

- [Charlene] Right.

Well, um--

- What am I supposed to do,

go back through the whole thing?

- Look, Richard, Dick,

I can understand what you are

saying about other producers,

but all producers are different.

I work a particular way.

For example, a lot of Richards

don't like to be called Dick,

but I can understand where

you're coming from, 'cause you see,

if you know you're a Dick right off the bat,

why wait for other people to find out?

- What's wrong with Dick?

All the men in my family are Dicks.

- Oh, my God.

Really?

[assistant laughs]

- Oh, that's funny.

You're, you're really helping.

Don't encourage her.

Yeah.

Calling me names.

Calling me names.

Yeah, I never heard Dick jokes before.

Wow, what a revelation.

I missed junior high school.

Why don't you get some talent?

Why don't you try that,

Miss New York prodigy?

If I said the same thing to you,

I'd end up in a court somewhere.

You know why?

- [Charlene] Why?

- Okay, fine.

Fine.

You just crossed the line.

- Which line?

- [Dick] You crossed that line.

- This line here?

- That's right.

It's called harassment, lady, and you're gonna get it.

You're gonna get it right now.

You can't cross that line.

Dick is a proud name.

It's a strong name, and I am proud to be a Dick.

- Oh, good.

- That's right.

Now.

You're gonna get it right now.

- Run, Dick, run,

Run to Jane.

- Oh, that's clever.

"Run, Dick, run."

Yeah, I'll tell her about that.

Kiss me, baby!

Kiss me!

Get it, Dick?

Kiss me, Dick?

- I don't think so.

I think that's a job for Jane.

- Oh, it's Jane's job?

It's Jane's job?

I'm sure she'll be very happy to hear that.

Jane's job.

And you shut the hell up.

I don't want to hear from you.

You know what, baby, this ain't my first barbecue.

- Okay.

All right, bye.

[assistant laughs]

- Jane?

Uh, yeah, look out.

Charging Dick coming right at you.

[pounding on door]

- That producer has got some balls!

- Did somebody say balls?

- Dear God, what have I said?

No, no.

No, no.

Jane, Jane,

there is no reason to disrobe.

Oh, God!

Oh, God!

I could come back another time

when you're not so large-breasted.

We can talk another time.

Remember my heart.

- Dick, shh.

- [Dick] Is that a new blouse?

- It can be, Dick.

- [Dick] No.

- [Jane] It can be, Dick.

- No, no, we're not doing the animal kingdom thing.

- Yes.

- No.

I cannot do the animal kingdom thing.

- Meow.

- No.

- Meow.

- Don't make me do it.

You're scaring me.

- Big kitty.

- You're gonna hurt me.

- Meow.

[howls]

[howls]

[both howling]

[barks]

[growls]

[trumpets]

- Act like a monkey!

Act like a monkey!

[screeching]

Oh!

Oh!

- I'm gonna ride you like a stallion, baby!

Give it to me!

Mmm!

- [Charlene] Because of my childhood,

I'm never surprised when hating me

brings two people together.

[shouting]

You wanted to see me, Jane?

- Charlene, you're fired.

- [Charlene] What?

- Yes.

You've pushed everybody's buttons here,

including Dick's, who's been

pushing mine just minutes ago.

- [Charlene] Dick's been--

- Dick!

- [Charlene] Oh, my God.

- Yes, ma'am?

How you doing?

- [Charlene] Better than you, I guess.

- Do you realize what you've done?

- [Charlene] No, what have I done?

- Do you know what you've done?

You have driven a perfectly sane woman insane!

- Excuse me?

Perfectly sane?

You sleeping with a moron like

that Dick and you call yourself perfectly sane?

- You're fired!

- [Charlene] All right, fine!

I'm happy to go!

- Out!

- [Charlene] All right!

I'm leaving!

- Now!

- All right.

Okay, fine.

- Now!

- Oh, my God.

All right, fine, fine, fine.

I'm out of here.

- Pull up that dress!

[light jazz music]

[sighs]

- [Charlene] I'm just not cut out

to work in an office.

But everything always works out for the best.

I sold a TV pilot called "Dick and Jane's Wild Kingdom."

I made enough money for a down payment on my new home.

Hello, Hollywood.

[car horn honking]

Hey, dude, we heard you the first time!

- [Steven] It's broken!

- [Charlene] What?

- [Steven] It's broken!

- [Charlene] Well, can you do something about it?

[horn honking]

- I rent the house next to yours.

- Oh, really?

That's interesting.

Shut that off.

Oh.

[laughs]

You're good with your hands.

- Oh, thanks.

My name's Steven Binder.

- Hi.

I'm Charlene.

Charlene Silver.

I'm just moving in here.

I just bought this house.

- That's great.

That's great.

- You may, uh, you may hear

me rehearsing at night with my band, Medicine Man.

- Oh, really?

You have a band?

- Yeah.

I'm the lead singer.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- [Charlene] Wait a minute.

What did you say your name was again?

- Steven.

- [Charlene] And your band is called Medicine Man?

- Yeah.

- [Charlene] I had no intention

of going back on my Steven hunt,

but, hey, the guy showed up right at my front door,

delivered to me like a pizza.

You can't ignore fate.

- We're on fire!

- You're pregnant.

- Oh, my God!

I don't believe it!

I'm pregnant?

- You're pregnant.

- I have to call my mom.

- That's my private line.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

Do you have a pay phone?

Purse!

[laughing]

[telephone rings]

- Hello.

- Mom?

Dad?

It's Charlene.

- Mel, it's Charlene!

Hello, sweetheart.

- Remember when I told you this

was a friendly neighborhood?

I'm pregnant!

- Pregnant?

- Yes.

Yes.

- [Both] Pregnant?

- Yes!

I'm pregnant!

It was the guy next door.

- Well!

Isn't that a wonderful housewarming gift!

- He's a loser!

Lose him!

- Dad, Dad, he is not a loser.

He's the Doctor Steven the psychic was talking about.

- [Both] A doctor?

- Yes.

- Mel!

- A doctor?

- D-o-c-t-o-r.

- A doctor!

[both cheering]

♪ You made me love you

- Mom?

♪ I didn't wanna do it

♪ I didn't wanna do it

- Okay.

♪ You made me want you

♪ And all the time you knew it

♪ I guess you always knew it

- Mom?

♪ You made me happy

♪ Sometimes

♪ And made me sad

♪ But there were times, Mel

♪ When you made me feel

♪ So bad

Boom, boom, boom.

- I'm pregnant!

[laughs]

- Pregnant?

- Yes, I'm pregnant.

[laughs]

I don't know with what, but it's yours.

[laughs]

♪ Sex hex

♪ Seed breeds

♪ All I was doing

♪ Was meeting my needs

♪ Sperm yolk

♪ Next time I'll think

♪ Before I poke

[dog barking]

[upbeat rock music]

♪ New father

♪ Oh yeah

♪ I found you

♪ Love like I want

♪ Oh yeah

♪ Oh yeah

♪ It's going

♪ Like I knew you would

♪ All

♪ You all

♪ Oh

♪ Isn't that the way

♪ I'll take the right

♪ Not too bad

♪ Grab the shift

♪ Like everything

♪ I need your love

Charlene?

Are you okay?

What happened?

[light acoustic guitar music]

♪ We'll try again

- Okay.

♪ Don't you cry, my friend

- [Charlene] Okay.

♪ And we won't quit

♪ Till we get it right

♪ Mm mm

♪ Mm mm mm mm mm

♪ Mm mm mm mmm mmm

♪ Mm mm

♪ Mm mm mm

♪ Mmm mmm mmm

[telephone rings]

I'll get it.

- Probably my mom.

- [Steven] Hello.

- It's my mom, isn't it?

- Yeah, well, it's been a month

since the miscarriage,

but I still think she thinks she's pregnant.

- Hey, are you talking about me?

- She's gonna die of cholesterol overdose,

let me tell you.

- I'm eating for two.

- Disgusting.

You should see this.

- You're disgusting.

- [Steven] No, you're disgusting.

- You're disgusting!

- [Steven] No, you're disgusting!

And I paid for it, too!

[light acoustic guitar music]

- Oh, Steven?

It's planting time.

- Oh, what a turn-on.

"Steven, it's time to attack the egg.

"Time to do the seed deed.

"Rush hour in the love canal.

"Scrum around the ovum.

"Bring on the sperminator."

That's what sex has become with you.

- Really?

- Now what do you have to say for yourself?

- Please?

I'll give you a blowjob.

- You're pregnant with twins.

- Oh.

I'm so happy, I feel like I wanna cry.

I am gonna cry.

- You're pregnant, aren't you?

- I'm twice as pregnant!

It's twins!

[laughs]

♪ We lost one

♪ Now we got two

♪ Girl, I gave some

♪ Super sperm to you

[laughing]

♪ So you better

♪ Treat your man super, too

♪ Even though your skin

♪ Felt clammy

♪ I gave you a double whammy

♪ Of sperm with love

♪ From me to you

♪ We lost one, now we got two

♪ We got two

♪ Girl, I gave some

♪ Super sperm to you

♪ So you better

♪ Treat your man super, too

♪ Even though your skin

♪ Felt clammy

♪ I gave you a double whammy

♪ Of sperm with love

♪ From me to you

[scat singing]

Charlene,

I can't take it anymore!

You married a man, not a maid.

I could understand if you were

a bit more appreciative,

but all you ever do is give me

blowjobs since you've been pregnant

and you never swallow!

- I told you, I'm allergic.

[yelling gibberish]

- [Charlene] Fear of another

miscarriage kept me on the couch for nine months.

It drove Steven over the edge.

[telephone rings]

[Steven screaming]

- Hello?

Um, he's in the middle of something right now.

Can I help?

Yeah, I'll see if he can break away.

Hold on.

Steven?

Steven, it's your agent.

It's Monty.

Monty.

It's your agent.

I think maybe he has a job for you or something.

- Hello?

It's over, Charlene.

I'm glad my super double whammy

is helping you fulfill your life's dream.

Now it's my turn to go out and fulfill mine.

Good-bye.

- Steven, wait.

[grunting]

- Ready to meet your kids?

- Yeah.

Okay.

Oh, Dr. Ruth?

Dr. Ruth?

- Yes?

- I have an idea.

Why don't we just skip

the C-section altogether

and we can pull them directly out of my mouth?

That's my largest orifice anyway.

- [Doctor] It's okay, Charlene.

- Okay.

- [Doctor] You're gonna be fine.

[yelling]

- [Charlene Voiceover] When the drugs kicked in,

my mother appeared to me in a horrible nightmare.

- Charlene, Charlene, Charlene.

This is your mommy.

Your boys have weenies.

You must be careful.

- Louise, these are delicious.

- Oh!

What a fabulous spread!

Look at this.

Salami, chicken mix, potato chips.

Charlene, it's magnificent.

Oh, delicious.

- Don't need to cover it up.

- I'll cover it.

- What's going on with the cellophane, Dad?

- Charlene!

- Take it off.

People think you're not supposed to eat the food.

Take it off.

- It'll spoil!

- This is not New Jersey.

- You'll eat it after the bris.

Know-it-all!

Know-it-all!

- Leave it off.

This is my bris.

It's not your bris.

I want things the way I want it.

- Charlene, people are listening, keep it down.

- Mom, can I speak with you just for a minute?

Mom, I have fallen deeply in love.

- That's wonderful!

Mazel tov!

What's her name?

- Her name is Leo.

[coughs]

- You're a pansy boy?

Cliff, it's all right.

It's all right.

It's not your fault, it's my fault.

- Mom, it's not anybody's fault.

- It's my fault, Cliffy.

I should've never have let you pick out fabric.

I should've never have let you paint my toenails.

I should never, never,

never let you go three years

in a row as Cher on Halloween.

- Come on, he's here.

I want you to meet him.

- [Charlene Voiceover] Personally, I have nothing

against gay men.

It's just that every time they get together,

I lose two potential husbands.

- This is Leo.

- Oh!

Mom!

- Oh, my God!

- Call 911!

Honey!

- What have I done?

Mel!

He's got braids.

[knocking on door]

- Hola.

Marisole Martinez?

- Si.

Hola.

Senora--

- Charlene.

Call me Charlene.

- Charlene, me gusta, Charlene.

- Thank you.

The kids are upstairs, sleeping.

[speaking foreign language]

- Yes, yes.

So, um,

no, no, no, no, no.

Come in, come in, come in, come in.

We'll go upstairs and take a look at them.

Hasta la vista.

Andale.

[both laugh]

It was tough being a single mom,

but with Marisole's help,

we got through the terrible twos.

Can you clear for a minute while me and my boys pass?

You see, when my boys are big enough,

and they'll be playing with you, too.

- In your dreams, lady!

- Excuse me?

- That one's not a boy,

that's a girl.

- No, he's not!

He's a boy!

- No, that's a girl!

- No, he's a boy, and he's macho, just like his mom!

- You're not macho!

You have titties!

- Ha.

No, wait a minute.

These are not titties,

they're hand grenades,

and I'm gonna throw one at you right now!

You, too!

That's right, kids!

Keep running!

That's right!

Keep running!

Unbelievable!

Where are their mothers?

Can you believe that?

Unbelievable.

When you get big, don't play with those bad boys.

[light jazz music]

Between writing and taking care of my kids,

it had been a long time since my last date.

One day while cleaning out my closet,

I found my old Dr. Steven paper dolls.

Now, don't get me wrong,

I wasn't going back on my Steven quest,

but this guy was worth another look.

Hello, Steven?

Yeah, yeah, it's Charlene.

How did you know it was me?

Ha ha.

I do not have a funny voice.

[light orchestral music]

There he was in all his Roman god-bachelor glory.

Being single obviously agreed with this guy.

The great thing about being attracted to

unavailable men is they're always available.

Justice, play nice.

- [Steven] It's really nice of you

to come here with the kids.

- Yeah, they really love it here.

They like to play with the balls.

- Does Mommy play with the balls, too?

- Sometimes.

- Yeah?

You should go in there, too, you know?

- [Charlene] Oh, I don't think so.

I'm too big for that.

- [Steven] Really?

- [Charlene] Yeah.

- Maybe we should go in there together.

[laughs]

- You look pretty good.

- [Steven] Yeah?

- You look good for an aging,

confirmed bachelor with no

marital prospects on the horizon any time soon.

- [Steven] Well, I, I loved your lips.

- Hmm.

Thank you.

- [Steven] I loved your lips.

- Thank you.

- [Steven] You're welcome.

- Justice?

Justice!

Oh, my God!

Justice!

Justice!

- [Steven] It's all right.

- Justice!

Justice!

Justice, where are you?

Justice!

Justice!

Justice, where are you?

Justice!

Justice, answer me!

- [Steven] I'm looking for him!

- Justice!

Justice!

Justice, this isn't funny!

Where are you?

Justice!

- Charlene, I got him.

Charlene, he's right here.

I got him.

I got him.

He's right here.

They're both right here.

- [Charlene] Oh, my God.

- They're doing all right.

Yeah, come on.

He was just over here looking at the ocean and stuff.

- Mommy was so worried!

Oh, honey!

That was great.

Thanks.

- You're welcome.

- I had a good time.

- So did I.

- Thanks for all the balloons,

and thanks for the refrigerator magnet and--

- No problem.

- So, um, do you have a date tonight or what?

- No, I'm just gonna go home

and practice my violin and smoke my pipe.

- Hmm.

That sounds nice.

- Yeah.

- Especially the pipe part.

[laughs]

- Well, I guess the boys will sleep well tonight.

- Yeah.

- And if you take a Valium, so will their mom.

[laughs]

- Oh, your coat.

- Yeah.

[laughs]

Don't wanna take that.

- [Steven] Let me help you.

- [Charlene] Thank you.

- Drive safely.

- [Charlene] All right, I will.

I always do.

- Okay.

- [Charlene] Okay.

- Take care.

- [Charlene] All right, I will.

The problem with Dr. Steven

Stevenson was he's too good-looking,

he's too well-endowed,

and he's much too successful.

How could he not be a womanizer?

I have to move on.

I've laid off the doctors,

but the Stevens just keep coming.

Ironically, my new boyfriend's name is Steven,

Steven Troy, but he's a contractor.

A very good one, I might add.

- Work's all finished, ma'am.

- Did you fix the stone on the pavement?

- It's fixed.

- What about the drip in the fountain?

- It's fixed.

- Did you screw in the light by the gate?

- It's fixed.

- Are you ready to be paid?

- I'm ready.

- Come upstairs, Mr. Troy.

I think I have something that might interest you.

- Good thing I brought my hammer.

[country music]

[passionate moaning]

Nice.

- [Steven] I wanna bronze your labia minora.

- Really?

[laughs]

Okay.

[passionate moaning]

[giggles]

[moaning]

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Um, condoms.

Safe sex.

Do you have any?

- Uh--

- In my bathroom.

Wait.

Hold on.

Stay there.

Stay, stay, Rover.

[moaning]

- Are you okay?

- Yeah.

- You sure?

- Yeah.

- Bring it on home!

- Oh!

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

- Whoo!

Hell.

- Oh, God.

Oh!

- You know what they say.

- What?

- Seventh time is a charm.

[both laugh]

[knocking on door]

- [Charlene] Hello.

- Hey.

- [Charlene] How are you?

- I'm good.

- Good.

- How are you?

- Oh, I'm fine, thank you.

- Good.

- I'm fine.

Cute.

- Yeah, I think, you know,

they'll like it.

- They're sleeping.

They should wake up pretty soon.

If you wanna wait, we can maybe

have a cup of tea out on the patio.

- Okay.

- Okay.

I'll make it.

I'll be right out.

All my divorced male friends

envy my ex-husband because

I set him up with other women.

I do it for me,

because the happier he is,

the less guilty I feel for driving him over the edge.

And then also for my sons,

because I'd like their stepmom

to be someone who doesn't have a police record.

Here we go.

A little tea I whipped up myself

in the recesses of my kitchen.

- The contractor did a nice job with the terrace.

- Yeah, well Steven does a great job with everything.

- Another Steven.

- Mm-hmm.

- Well, obviously you've slept with him.

- Obviously?

What obviously?

- Well, duh.

- Duh.

Okay.

All right.

Fine, I slept with him.

So?

- Well, like, of course you did.

What kind of medicine does he practice?

- He's a sexual healer.

Every time he walks in the room,

I hear Marvin Gaye singing "Sexual Healing."

- Please, Charlene.

You know, the problem with you

and I is we just, we just don't communicate very well.

- Boy.

You said it.

Once you ran out of songs,

there was really nothing left

to say, was there?

- I do think you have nice breasts, though.

- Thank you.

[clears throat]

They're implants.

I'll leave them to you in my will.

- No way!

- Yes way.

Ha ha.

- You had me fooled.

- Goosed.

Every time a man is fooled,

another plastic surgeon gets his wings.

- That is, like, such a good job, really.

- Thank you.

I'm glad you appreciate it.

- Hey!

Hey, you!

- Give a kiss, Daddy!

- Come on, I want a kiss over here, too.

Come on.

Come on.

Give me a kiss, give me a kiss, give me a kiss.

Come on.

Mmm-whah!

How you guys doing?

Who wants the chicken?

Who wants the bear?

Who wants the chicken?

You want the bear?

You want the chicken?

[dramatic orchestral music]

Who wants to play with the truck?

All right!

[upbeat funk music]

- Dr. Steven?

Excuse me, can you, um, hi.

- [Steven] Hi.

Can I help you?

- Um, yes.

As a matter of fact, you can.

Look, I'm in extreme need of

a physical for work, and since

we're in the same building,

I thought maybe if you give

me your card, I could call you for an appointment.

- I'd love to.

Lord knows I can use the business.

But unfortunately, I'm only licensed to examine your feet.

- My feet?

Only my feet?

A podiatrist.

So what exactly is it you guys do anyway?

At least he's not a proctologist.

I wouldn't want one of those guys handling

the boys' bottles.

- I'm sure you've been told

many times you have beautiful legs.

- Well, not many times, but thank you.

I can't believe I've never

run into you before.

It just seems, sorry.

- Excuse me.

- I'm sorry.

- Well, I know.

It seems working in the same building,

you'd think we'd sooner or later

bump into each other.

- Yeah, you would think,

you know, you being a podiatrist

and me being in sales.

- Yeah.

You know, I can't help notice,

but your feet are perfect.

What are they,

a seven and a half, an eight?

- Oh, my God.

You do know what you're doing?

They're seven and a half.

- And those are lovely shoes.

Were they some sort of reptile?

- Yes.

Rattlesnake.

Dangerous Ecuadorian rattlesnake.

Killed him myself.

- Really?

- Skinned him.

Ate the flesh.

Made shoes out of the attractive skins.

- Well, I think that's a good

result for a snake, to end up

a shoe on a beautiful woman's foot.

- Oh, thank you.

[laughs]

Well, so I wish I could compliment your outfit,

but I just can't.

- I know.

It's sort of doctor-ware.

You're gonna get--

- Utilitarian.

- Yeah.

- [Charlene] I always wanted to use that word in a sentence.

Ha ha.

- Well, this my floor.

- Oh, really?

It's been highly enjoyable traveling

the escalator with you.

- Yes.

Since we're flirting--

- We are?

- Well, I think we are.

I just wanted to disclose the fact

that my wife and I of 10 years separated two weeks ago.

- Oh, really?

- We're getting divorced.

I'm not running around or anything, but--

- Oh.

I'm really sorry to hear that.

- Yeah.

- You, uh, you seem like somebody that's

been hurt, and I feel like

you might need a shoulder to

cry on sometime in the very near future.

So, uh, I wanna give you this.

- "Dr. Anton Bowman, L.C.S.W."

What does that stand for?

- Well, it stands for a very

experienced psychotherapist.

I think you'll like him.

His fees are reasonable,

and he has quite large feet.

So I walked away.

I mean, there was nothing wrong

with this guy, but I could see

he wasn't ready to start a new relationship.

Why is it so hard to find the perfect man?

It's like I found the ideal Doctor Steven,

but he's a combination of six men.

[laughing]

- It sounds like you and the boys

have gained something from each

of the Doctor Stevens.

Now who in the hell says you

have to pick one and discard the rest?

- Oh.

I don't know.

The, well, the psychic never really

said it like that, but you know what?

You're right.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Dr. Bowman, you're a genius.

Thank you so much.

Can I take these for my friends?

- We have 45 minutes more.

- Oh.

- Sit down.

- Look who's here!

Look how good you look!

Whoa!

Careful.

Careful.

Look who's jumping up and down on the bed!

Is everybody here?

Are you ready for the party?

[laughing]

Is it party time?

Is it party time?

You know what?

My therapist was right.

All my Stevens have enriched

my life in one way or another.

Tonight, I've decided to celebrate my birthday

with an unconventional little party.

[light orchestral music]

Look how good you look!

You got your hat on.

- Hey, Noble, you wanna come

over here and enjoy the party?

- So, how's your son, the big-headed one?

You know,

[laughing]

the insecure one?

He has four kids.

- [Steven] Really?

- Justice, you know,

it's time for him to get a,

I want to get him a really good guitar.

- That would be great.

- [Steven] You know, like, a little microphone.

[laughing]

- You know, I watch you with those kids.

- Did you?

- Mm-hmm.

You look so much more attractive with your kids.

- I am.

Really?

- In the front seat of the car.

[laughing]

- Nothing exactly.

These are all friends of mine.

You may have noticed everybody

at the party is called Steven.

- Yeah.

- I have a thing for Stevens.

- Right.

- But mostly Doctor Stevens.

You're the first really physical

Steven that I ever had.

I kind of liked where I ended up.

The boys are happy and healthy.

My career is going well.

Dr. Bowman is vacationing in the Bahamas with all

the money I paid him for therapy.

And my parents are proud of me.

They finally stopped asking when I'm gonna meet Mr. Right.

But more importantly,

I've stopped asking.

[upbeat jazz music]

[light jazz music]

♪ I wonder who's

♪ Kissing you now

♪ I wonder who's

♪ Teaching you how

♪ I wonder who's looking

♪ Into your eyes

♪ Breathing sighs

♪ Telling lies

♪ I wonder who's

♪ Buying the wine

♪ For lips

♪ That I used to call mine

♪ I wonder if you

♪ Ever tell them the truth

♪ I wonder who's

♪ Kissing you now

[light jazz music]