Original subtitles

Hi guys!

So I'm back home, I can't get Ireland out of my head!

I'm changed, I'm in turmoil!

I mean firstly, I love the place.

Then I met this chick Joy,

and for want of another term, she steals kids!

I mean, she stole a baby and tried to pass it off as her own!

(inhales)

Now, I know you guys know I'm pretty relaxed,

and most things are chill with Will.

But stealing babies has me shook!

I mean...

who steals a kid, just to freak out their ex?

(birdsong)

(snort)

(music)

(flop)

Skinny jeans!

Yeurgh! (snort)

(gasps)

(groan)

(mumbling)

(music)

(door slams)

Joy?

(knocking)

(squeaky voice) Is Maeve coming out to play?

Oh, that is so weird!

(laughs) Do you remember when we used to do that?

No, I used to do that,

you used to pretend you were doing just grand, on your own,

with your nose pressed up against the window,

staring at us playing British Bulldogs?

No.

(laughs)

They were good times.

Yeah, that you watched.

Do you know one thing I will say, Maeve,

I bruise like a peach, and that game is Grade A violence!

So, eh... where's Stan the Camera? No Stan, no Stan...

No Stan. Just you and me,

going on a surprise adventure.

You gotta live while you can, Maeve.

'Cause once you're dead,

you're dead forever.

You're really comin' at me with the hard science this morning.

OK, quezzie time.

Name one thing we always wanted to do when we were younger.

(snorts) OK, Jason Priestley?

For you. You know, for me, in hindsight, Donna Martin.

No, go again, no people.

Get on the Late Late Toy Show and

drive a mini-car round the set,

out of the studio and all the way home?

No, go again.

Eh... afternoon tea, in a posh hotel.

No, go again.

Eh...

No more going again!

What are you doing...?

Ugh! We're... Oh!

OK, oh! This is all a bit

Fifty Shades of Grey!

(laughs) Will there be Jamie Dornan?

Sadly no.

(laughs)

Yeah... it's... it's...

a surprise, Maeve!

So you're not allowed see anything else until it's actually happening.

OK, but can I just ask,

is it sex-based?

Negator!

Um, so it doesn't involve Johnny Logan,

or Linda Martin?

Does it involve...

fencing? Maeve, do you know what? Does it? You're actually

really crap at guessing things.

So I'm shutting that whole side of things down.

Can I talk?

No.

Taxi should be here soon...

(birdsong)

(music)

(phone rings) Ooh!

(phone rings)

Oh!

I am so sorry! I'm so sorry!

I'm... So sorry!

I'm so sorry.

Sorry. Like this...

Oh, I'll shut that down.

Joy?

Joy. Joy. Joy!

Joy! Answer your phone!

I know you're there because...

that's the nature of mobiles?

You can't... just disappear...

when shit hits the fan.

And shit has hit the fan.

Stealing babies has me shook.

I mean, who steals a kid

just to freak out their ex?

Will Dack has fucked you

on a global level.

Your reputation online

is of an insane baby-stealer.

And we need to post something

in response.

The longer we leave it,

the worse it gets.

If we don't post something by the end of the day,

you've basically rebranded yourself

as a combo of Fred and Rose West.

A two-headed, baby-munching

gargoyle. Which rather limits sponsorship opportunities,

I think you'll agree.

So call me!

(slams down phone)

She's off the reservation.

Off the reservation with 150 thousand followers!

Shouldn't you be setting up a search party?

Yes! A search party.

Fan out, flyers, cover the island!

Cover the island?

I don't know, it felt right...

Look, she'll be back.

She's probably just sitting calmly in a dark room,

thinking of an amazing response!

Yeah.

'Cause sitting calmly and thinking is just so Joy.

(music)

Yeah.

Ooh!

Oh God, I am so sorry!

I am, em, I'm on an adventure!

I can't see her face with that thing on?

Yeah. So basically,

it's that exact face, except there's

two eyes here.

Like your classic two-eyes-two-eyebrows set up,

and then the rest you can see!

Lift the blindfold.

Really? Really.

(sighs) You don't open your eyes. OK?

Done! I need to see your eyes?

Why, though?

Are you worried she has lasers in there?

Like, tiny eye-lasers?

OK.

On a count of three, yeah?

I mean, whatever.

OK, so on "one two three". Are you ready?

OK, one, two, three.

(makes laser noises) Pew! Pew!

Are you putting me in prison? (laughs)

Don't be silly! (phone rings)

This is a fun adventure.

Ma'am, are the bouncy castles this way?

Oh! Oh my God!

Funderland! I lurve funder!

Joy, will you just...

answer! Or call me back as soon as you can.

We need to talk about last night!

Look, I'm really just freaking out here!

Is it Joy?

Hey girlfriend!

We miss you!

Look, I know it's a bit weird,

and you've only been away for one night, but...

it's just made me realise

how important you are to me, and

what a good friend you've been, and

what a great shoulder you are to cry on,

such a positive influence, and...

I guess the bottom line is

you've become someone really important to me, Joy.

Steady on, Christie.

I mean it!

Also, we need milk.

Let's make love!

I can basically never go home!

I hate having a clairvoyant as a room mate.

I smell diesel.

Are we going to the ploughing championships?

'Cause I'm pretty sure I never wanged on about that

when I was a teenager.

No.

Not long to wait for the big reveal now!

(phone rings)

You're getting a lot of calls.

It's gas, isn't it?

Mm, pain in the hole, I'd have said.

Do you even have a phone?

Nah.

Massive waste of time.

Yeah.

(phone rings) (sighs)

You've found Joy! Leave a message.

Oh hey, Joy! (baby cries)

Hope everything is sensational with you, because it is

sensational over here! (baby cries)

I was just dropping you

a quick line to let you know that

my husband has left me!

(baby cries) So that's pretty fun, isn't it?

Yeah, so if you've got a quick sec,

if you can give me a call back.

(baby cries) OK.

Bye.

(baby cries)

And... (ship horn sounds)

Joy! We're on a boat!

Don't be scared, Maeve!

For fuck's sake!

We're going to Holyhead!

To.. to Holyhead? No! I have plans!

No, balls to your plans!

We always said we'd do it, you and me!

We'd just get out of here!

Get the boat to Holyhead and go to Boots,

and get cola-flavoured lip balms

and body butter that smelt of bloody papaya!

I'm not crying, Maeve, I'm not, it's just the sea air

makes my eyes water so bad!

You know, if we were shipwrecked and I was on a piece of driftwood

and I thought there was even a tiny bit of room on it for you,

I would bunch over a little bit more!

I just think Rose was so scabby on that front!

Ya mad bitch!

Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah yeah yeah! We're having one last adventure!

It doesn't have to be our last adventure, Maeve!

Well, I mean no! No!

(laughs) Of course!

And you know what?

I bloody love lip balm!

Holyhead!

We are coming for your exportable perfumed gun!

Papaaaaayaaaaaaa!

(phone rings)

Oh, my phone!

Urgh. Argh!

Aah!

(music)

(splash)

God, I instantly regret that.

Is it deep? It... it looks deep...

(Caribbean steel band music)

Oh! (laughs)

Ha ha ha!

(music)

Aw, look, there's a family lawyers.

Oh!

(music)

Smell that.

I'll puff mine out.

Will we go in? Yes!

Yes! He he!

God, it's just so different here!

I really feel the benefit of the break, too.

That's 'cause the air is so clean!

And the shops! Oh!

The shops are just... there!

And they're just so full! Of...

things! Yeah.

Mental.

And the people are so lovely!

Oh they're... (thump)

... and so centred! Fucking hell! Yeah.

Wise, and... I know. Stupid machine!

Oh, and their skin. Oh, skin.

Their skin is so good!

(sighs)

And... We should get home.

Yeah.

Bye, guys!

Fucking hell!

(gasps)

Deadly!

No! No, no, no, ah ha ha!

Not... not deadly at all, I have stuff to do, stuff to...

Maeve. ... finish, at home...

Maeve! What if we can never go home?

(gasps) We live here now, Maeve! Welcome!

No, I really need to get home! I do!

I mean, I... I... I've loved it here,

but, eh...

Yeah. Yeah, OK.

Yeah!

Yeah.

But, eh...

Now that we live here...

You know? I think that we should enjoy ourselves.

If we're gonna do it,

we are gonna really,

actually

do it.

We are gonna get...

...tattoos! Cola flavour lip balms!

I'm sorry, what?

Tattoos!

(squeaks) What? Tattoos!

(Caribbean steel drum music) Tattoos! Tattoos?

Takeaway shots! Takeaway shots!

(heavy metal music) Takeaway shots!

Truly, we are living the golden age of Holyhead. Ha!

Ah, we're such mad bitches, Maeve!

Me with the shots, and you getting your cutie little ankle tattoo...

Oh, it's going to be so gorgeous in the summer,

with little dresses, and little sandals,

oh my God!

What?

If you're gonna get a tattoo, get...

a tattoo.

No no... Is it too small?

No.

No, I think it's gonna be...

I think it's gonna be grand in the summer.

With a really heavy fringe...

or... maybe all of the rest of your hair just combed forward,

across your forehead.

And here, well done on your tattoo.

Yeah.

It's just that one dot of ink, isn't it?

Yeah, but you know, as you said,

it's a symbol. Well done, brave soldier!

Thank you!

Here, neck that back.

You too, pal.

We... are going...

dancin'!

Ow! Ahh!

(disco music) Boogie! Boogie town!

So. We heard that if you get a Holyhead Nights tattoo,

you basically get free drink here forever!

Yeah, you do.

But only up to 9 p.m.

Yeah, but it's, like, four minutes past nine.

Exactly.

Ohhh! Ohhh!

Two pints of wine, please.

Works out cheaper if you get two litres,

in jugs.

With straws.

I love Wales.

So do I.

Awww! Awww!

Mmmmmm! (sniffs)

Oaky, woody.

Mmm. Chars!

Bottoms up!

Boogie! Boogie town!

Excuse me, what type of wine is that?

White wine.

Mmm!

I have to go dancing now!

Pawl? We need to stop that tattoo deal.

Ohh!

(hip hop music)

Ohhhh, this is burning my oesophagus!

Ah, me too!

Look at our great aul' jugs, Maeve!

Do you remember the time we raided your parents' drinks cabinet,

and you got so drunk you puked out your nose,

and you burnt your nostrils and you had to apply, like,

eight-hour cream up there with a cotton bud for, like, two weeks!

Yeah! (laughs)

Oh, this is so great!

You know, we are ninety-nine point nine per cent Irish,

but we are all a hundred per cent human!

Yep!

Our cultures meshing!

Ohhhh, yes!

Yes!

(hip hop music)

(cheering)

(applause)

Aaah!

(applause)

Ow!

Hi! This is so not personal, it's just, you only live once,

and I've never been involved in a bar brawl!

Uh!

Oh!

Ah! A closed fist, you absolute lunatic!

I'm here for the rugby!

And for the sex!

You guys say "grand" for...

a big house, and we say "grand"

for "yeah, fine, OK!"

Does that not blow your mind?

Your friend's crazy.

Yeah. She lives like there's no tomorrow!

Just can't apologise for being you!

You, that includes you, my friend!

Just stop apologising for everything!

Get down immediately or I'm calling the police.

I'm sorry.

(music)

(burp) Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

(burp) Oh my God!

(burp)

You're the cutest.

(laughs)

I'm drunk. Mm-mm.

I'm not done. Mm mm mm!

No siree! (Maeve vomits)

Oh, Maeve.

Maeve!

(Joy vomits)

Oh. God.

Maeve, we're not gonna get our deposit back,

I just puked all over the rhododendrons.

Oh God.

We had fun!

We had fun!

Oh my God, I'm dying.

(laughs) Oh my God.

Me too.

I'm not the best of friends, Maeve.

I'm not the best of people.

You know, I'm just grand.

I wanna be better.

(sighs)

I'm so sorry!

(music)

I was the one that stole your bottle of Davidoff Cool Water.

It wasn't Sinead.

No!

Sorry!

I gave her a dead arm!

I know.

Poor Sinead.

It's OK.

Thank you.

BFFs!

BFFs.

(music)

Boots, been in there.

Oh yeah.

So, eh.... hey!

Back to the, eh...? Awww. Yeah.

(music)

Thank you for this.

I needed it more than you know.

You need a fringe more than you know!

I am gonna miss you so much!

Well, I'm gonna see you next week,

'cause I'm literally gonna come back down and see you next week.

I don't want you to be sad, you know?

I don't want you to...

beat yourself up about what we didn't do, and...

Yeah. I am a bit sad that we didn't go to that Holyhead art exhibition.

I'm just so obsessed with culture, Maeve.

But we did have toad in the hole for breakfast!

And I don't care what anybody says

about imports or whatsits, we still don't have that in Ireland.

One last goodbye?

Absolutely!

But like, for literally seven days.

(laughs) Come here!

(sighs)

(music, traffic)

You came!

Hi!

I know you're busy, I really appreciate that you came!

I did, yeah, of course I did!

I left Olivia at my mum's, you...

got my message?

Yeah...

So what do you think?

What do I think? Wh... what do you think?

It's... difficult to explain.

Just try though?

Can you believe he's left?

Left to... I can't believe I'm saying the words

"my husband has left me".

Oh my God, Trish, are you kidding?

No!

Sorry, it's just...

so shocking, it's like, every time, I'm literally hearing it

for the first time!

OK...

let's get a cup of tea.

(music)

So tell me everything from the start.

(music)

Morning. Morning!

Are you doing OK?

I got a text this morning, from Stan.

OK, let me explain.

You see, we went for a swim in the sea.

And then we were staying in this tiny caravan,

and it was so small in there, you know the way you're like

"Sorry, can I get by you there?" and then we started kissing,

and then it just slipped in f... for a minute.

No, not that.

What is it?

Maeve is dead.

(music)

Subtitles: RTE 2020.

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