Original subtitles

Narrator on videotape: This is Pendleton university

where today's students meet tomorrow's challenges.

All right. Now, Harry, here are the keys.

And remember, have them fill up the tank,

check the wiper fluid,

and hang a new pine tree air freshener.

What about the 3 flat tires?

If you have time.

Whoa!

You got TV in your office?

Oh. What are you watching, Mary?

It's a promotional video

the university sends out to prospective students.

They're making a new one.

Oh, really?

Will they need a Professor to be in it?

Yes. In fact, they asked me.

Oh. They asked you.

Yes. They said that they were looking for professors

who were charming and articulate

and embodied academic excellence.

Well, that certainly does describe...You.

Don't feel bad.

No, no. I don't.

I'm far too busy in my role as educator

to Sully myself with some pointless exercise in narcissism.

Um, just out of curiosity,

who's the director?

One of your students, actually.

Aubry pitman.

Pitman!

Oh, he's my favorite student.

Such a wonderful young man.

He's the one with the bandanna?

Yeah, right.

It's official.

I'm gonna kill Warren.

Who's Warren?

The guy I'm-- was dating.

He was supposed to drive me to the dentist,

and he backed out.

Why are you going to the dentist?

I'm having my wisdom teeth removed.

Wouldn't it make more sense

to have extra ones installed?

Don't mess with me. Not today.

Nina, I can give you a ride to the dentist's office.

Really?

You drive?

Like a maniac.

Come on.

Hey, guys.

[Cartoon playing]

Tommy, do you realize how rude you're being?

I'm sorry. I'll turn it down.

Thank you.

No, no.

I should go.

Hey, don, you know what we should do tonight?

Yes.

But what were you thinking?

We should go back to your place and watch TV.

They're showing a kidney transplant on cable.

Oh. Sounds like fun, but I gotta work late tonight.

Oh, but I don't get the surgery channel.

Oh. Well, Sally,

there's no reason you gotta miss it.

Why don't I give you my key?

Great. I'll put it under your mat when I'm done.

Say, when you're done,

why don't you just... Hang on to it?

Really?

Your key?

Oh, don, it's beautiful.

Oh, look! It's a schlage!

My favorite.

All righty, Nina.

We'll see you in a few days,

and I'll take out the other 2 wisdom teeth.

Nina, are you ok?

[Muffled, dopey] Harry.

Oh, you waited all this time.

That's so sweet.

Oh, my God.

You've been drugged.

Is that how you get your jollies,

you sick bastard?

Harry, no.

I don't feel so good.

Can we go home now?

Sure. Come on, Nina.

I'll make sure that nobody ever hurts you again.

I need to see her Friday.

Until Friday.

So the variable "x" should equal the cosign

of the orbital trajectory "t,"

which is what? Anyone?

Pitman, how about you?

The illustrious director in our midst.

I don't know.

Oh, of course you do.

Come on, give it a shot,

mon auteur du cinema.

Well...4.

Yes. "4" is correct.

You are brilliant.

All hail pitman.

Dr. Solomon?

Leon, you're not hailing pitman.

Uh, hail pitman.

But isn't "4" wrong?

Oh, what do you know?

Well, when I answered "4,"

you said I was dumber than a bucket of hair.

You must be mistaken.

No, he's right.

He said that if the orbital trajectory was "4,"

then the earth would spin out of orbit

and crash into the sun.

And then you told us

to "shun the idiot child Leon,

"for he has killed us all

with his cretinous answer of 4."

Fine, fine. Pitman, say another number.

9?

Correct.

All hail pitman.

Aah!

Aah!

Easy there, sleepyhead.

This soup is hot,

and, after all you've been through,

the last thing you need is a good scalding.

How long have I been asleep?

Mm, it's been about 6 hours.

And you've been standing over me the whole time?

Oh, no. No, every couple of minutes,

I had to go to the microwave

to reheat the soup.

Ooh, wow.

That's the...Strangest, nicest thing

anybody's ever done for me.

Thank you.

Oh, it's ok.

Oh, by the way, I hope you don't mind--

but while you were asleep,

the light hit you just right,

and I had to draw a portrait.

I assume you like roller skating.

Hey, don.

Sally, hi.

I'll be right back.

This key is so awesome.

So, you really had a good time here last night

without me.

Did you have some friends over?

Uh-uh. Just me.

Oh. I watched some fat guy getting a pig valve.

Sorry I missed it.

Yeah, me, too.

Hey. Don, how's a Western omelet sound?

Oh, it sounds great.

Terrific.

Throw in some bacon if you got it, all right?

♪ And the rockets' red glare ♪

♪ the bombs bursting-- ♪

good morning.

Why are you so cheerful?

I don't know.

I guess it's 'cause of Harry.

Harry.

Harry Solomon?

He's so sweet and funny.

Oh, now wait a minute.

You're not considering getting involved--

oh, no.

You are.

Oh, come on.

Are you... A little.

No, Nina!

Oh, you're one to talk.

Dr. Solomon is just as bizarre as Harry,

and he's completely self-centered.

Oh, don't be absurd.

Behold the glory that is me.

Oh, go file something.

Mary, you'll never guess.

I've just been chosen to be your costar

in the promotional video.

I thought you said it was a pointless exercise in narcissism.

Well, now it has a point.

Dick: Tommy?

Tommy, I need you to run my lines with me.

Here, you be Mary.

"You will be inspired by our scenic campus."

Yes, they will, Mary.

It's 22 acres of paradise.

Wait. You're actually gonna say that?

Well, of course. Why not?

'Cause it's a lie.

It's a 22-acre reclaimed uranium mine.

Well, it's a little radioactive,

but isn't every college?

Look. None of this stuff is true.

Oh, what do you mean?

Look.

"State-of-the-art equipment,

"superior student body,

low suicide rate."

You're right, Tommy.

These are horrible lies.

What am I going to do?

Well, if you want to keep your integrity,

you're going to have to quit the film.

These are horrible lies.

What am I going to do?

♪ Hit me with your best shot ♪

♪ and fire away

Sally.

Hi, don.

♪ Hit me with your best shot ♪

Sally. Sally. Sally!

I worked the graveyard last night.

I didn't hear you come in this morning.

Glad to see that you're making yourself right at home.

Oh, this is better than home.

Nobody tells me what to do.

Nobody complains.

Not yet, no.

Harry, let me ask you something.

Are you seeing anyone?

No. I'm completely unattached.

Totally available.

I'm ready, willing, and waiting.

'Cause, you know, I'm not seeing anyone, either.

Oh, really?

And since we both like each other

and we're both not seeing anyone...

Mm-hmm?

Do you see where I'm going with this, Harry?

Yes.

You're saying that we'll always be friends

and nothing more.

Yeah, yeah.

That's what I'm saying.

Yeah.

Well, to hell with friendship.

I want you, woman.

Oh, Harry.

Oh, Nina.

Um, uh...

Nina, I'm ready for you.

Oh. I have to go, Harry,

but I'll be right back.

I'll be right here, Nina.

No matter what happens,

I will be right here.

No matter what occurs,

no matter how long it takes,

I'll be here.

On that you can rely.

Well, I'm sorry,

but a promise is a promise.

Hey, don.

Tommy.

Hey, uh, what are you doing?

Just standing.

Can I ask you a question?

Sure.

Why?

I got nowhere else to go.

Since I gave my key to Sally,

she's taken over my apartment.

You just gotta talk to her, don.

Yeah, but...

Hey, guys.

Sally. What are you doing here?

Uh, you ran out of toilet paper.

Oh. Now-- now listen, Sally,

I'm having some guys over tonight to, uh...

Watch some fights on pay-per-view.

Cool. Party.

Well, it's sort of a... A guys' night.

You know what I mean?

Yeah. It's a party.

But...With the guys.

I got it.

With the guys.

It's no problem.

All right. Ok.

Well, I gotta go. See you later.

Hey, Sally. Yeah?

You wanna go see a movie or something later?

Oh, no, I can't.

I'm watching the fight with the guys tonight.

Ok. Now just follow along

and see if I have it.

Can do.

[Tony British accent] Hello.

I'm Dr. Mary albright.

I'm proud to be a member--

ok.

What's with the accent?

What accent?

This is my formal speaking voice.

Always has been.

Never mind.

Uh, pitman, we need to have a little chat.

Dr. Solomon has some problems with the script.

What do you mean?

It's just a few little minor word changes really.

Like, uh, here where it says "scenic,"

he'd rather say "attractive."

And instead of "rigorous,"

he'd prefer "challenging."

And right here where it says,

"the student body is superior,"

he would prefer "inferior."

Can we rehearse this once just the way it's written

so we can hear how it sounds?

All right.

Ok.

And...Action.

Hello.

I'm Dr. Mary albright,

and I'm proud to be a member--

whoa, whoa, whoa.

What's with the accent?

Why does everybody keep asking me that?

The lady albright hath no accent.

Fine. Dr. Solomon, from your line.

"Hello. I'm Dr. dick Solomon,

"and I think you'll find

the tradition of excellence here at Pendleton--"

you know, what's tripping me up

is the word "excellence."

If I could just say,

"tradition of adequacy."

You know what?

I don't care.

You can rewrite whatever you want,

as long as it makes Pendleton sound good.

But what's my motivation?

Maybe we want people to come here?

Oh. Oh, well, ok then.

[Exhales]

Hey, mom, look,

he took my tooth out.

That's nice, honey.

Hey, mister, look what I got.

Oh, thanks, kid.

You just ate my tooth.

Well, there's no graceful way out of this one.

Oh, man.

Now I won't get a visit from the tooth fairy.

The tooth fairy?

You know. You put your tooth under your pillow,

and then the tooth fairy gives you 5 bucks.

Wow. Are you sure?

Yes, and the tooth fairy will visit Ronnie tonight.

Are you coming on to me?

Ok. Places, people,

and...Action.

Hello.

I'm Dr. Mary albright,

and I'm proud to be a member

of the Pendleton faculty.

Well said, Mary.

I'm proud, too.

I'm Dr. dick Solomon,

Professor of physics here at Pendleton.

We're here to talk about our fine university.

And a fine university it is, Mary.

It's fine.

It's not great,

but it's not the worst.

At Pendleton, our students come first.

Our priority is to get you out of your parents' home

and into a classroomlike environment.

As are easy to come by here at Pendleton,

as is delicious thin-crust pizza.

Our lab facilities are state-of-the-art.

Or at least they used to be, Mary.

Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

But let's be realistic.

If you got into a quality school,

you would only feel stupid there.

But you can be a genius here at Pendleton--

the Harvard of mediocrity.

Not affiliated with Harvard university.

Dudes!

Sally?

I thought you weren't coming tonight.

Why would I miss guys night?

[Belches]

The fight's started.

All right. Just a minute.

The whole point of guys' night was that we have--

[ringside bell, thud]

Ooh! Ooh!

What? What did I miss?

The fight.

It's over.

Sally, you made me miss the fight.

Well, I didn't mean to.

[Ringside bell, thud]

Oh! Damn!

You made me miss the instant replay.

Well, I missed it, too.

You're the one who keeps talking.

Far be it from me to talk in my house.

All right. Give me the key.

Well, how would I get in?

You wouldn't.

Look, when I gave you the key,

it was in hopes that we would spend quality time together.

But there hasn't been any quality.

There's just been quantity.

You're here all the time.

You're leaving messes. You're shaving yourself in weird areas.

Ooh. Ooh.

Of the house.

Will you guys get out?

So much for guys' night, huh?

Yeah. They always end like this.

One time, I forgot to use a coaster.

One time, I left the toilet seat up.

Will you get out?!

What's going on with you, don?

I'll tell you what's going on.

You're turning donville into sallyburg,

and I don't like it.

I'm fed up with it, Sally.

Gosh. You never yelled at me before.

I guess I screwed up.

Starting to think that you like my apartment

more than you like me.

Wait just a second.

That is not even a little true,

and you know that, pumpkin.

Are you sure?

Of course I'm sure.

Am I still your lady?

You know it, baby.

Can I still come over

and we can hang out together?

Sure.

Can I have the key back?

No.

Wow.

Your bedroom's so much bigger than mine.

Ooh. And a bed. Nice touch.

Oh, Harry, you're so funny.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

I'm gonna go pour us some wine.

I'll be right here.

Ok. She lost the 4 teeth,

so that's...20 bucks.

You know, Harry...

I have been looking all over

for the right guy,

and all along he's been right here

in my own backyard.

I once found a perfectly good comb

in my backyard.

Oh, Harry.

Oh, Nina.

Oh, baby! Rrrrr!

Wait. What's this?

Oh. You weren't supposed to find that

till tomorrow morning.

You left me 20 bucks?

Well, yeah. That's the going rate, isn't it?

Going rate?!

Well, yeah. 5 bucks a pop.

That seems pretty reasonable to me.

You need to get your bony butt out of my bedroom.

Well, I thought we were gonna have sex.

Get out!

Well, but I thought--

get out!

You know what?

Maybe the men you've been dating aren't the problem.

No. Maybe the problem

is that you're just a little too moody.

It's more than a good school.

I love this place.

And it's not so much a faculty

as a family.

Here we come.

I'm Professor Mary albright,

and I'm proud to be a member

of the Pendleton faculty.

I'm Dr. dick Solomon,

Professor of physics--

I'm Dr. Judith draper,

and I think I speak for my colleagues

when I say I'm proud...

Those are my lines.

They cut us out!

Judith!

That back-stabbing, scene-stealing bitch!

Well, I can understand why they cut you out.

You were sabotaging the whole production.

But me?

Oh, yes. How dare they cut out

the bloody queen of england?

Shh! Do you mind?

Our scenic campus

is 22 acres of paradise.

Wow, Dr. draper.

Pendleton sounds like the best.

I'm sending in my application right away.

Smart move, Brandon.

Well, the-- the director decided

to go a different way with it.

Captioned by the national captioning institute --www.Ncicap.Org--

oh, Harry, I'm sorry things with Nina didn't work out.

Relationships are hard.

Well, maybe things didn't work out with Nina,

but at least I'll always have

a little part of her with me.

[Rattles]

You have her teeth in a jar?

That's so romantic.

I wonder if don's home.