Original subtitles

So it's 6:00 p.m. in the nighttime, which is when I wake up.

This is always really scary part for me.

Yes! Nighttime.

So, now I'm going to wake up my flatmates.

I really love living in a flatting situation.

Wake up! Wake up, everyone!

I like to hang out with other vampires.

I like the company.

Awaken!

Awakey-wakey!

I just really like having a good time with my friends.

Deacon, hi!

Hey, Deacon.

How was your night, last night?

I transformed into a dog and had sex.

Cool!

We're gonna have a little flat meeting in the kitchen

in about 15 minutes, okay?

- Okay. - Okay.

- Should I close this? - Yes.

Vladislav?

Oh!

Sorry! Sorry!

What?

- Hey. - What time is it?

Um... We're going to have a flat meeting in about 10 minutes.

Twenty.

Okay. Is there...

So, we're in Petyr's room.

I'm just going to wake him up.

Petyr?

Petyr?

Petyr, wake up.

Hey, listen.

We're just having a flat meeting upstairs in about 10 minutes.

You don't have to come,

but I thought I'd extend an invitation to you just in case.

Um...

There's a lot of stuff on the floor down here, Petyr.

Like this, it seems... I don't...

Oh, it's a spinal column. Yuck.

And I was thinking,

maybe I should just bring a broom down here for you

if you wanted to sweep up some of the skeletons.

I don't know. You know, maybe...

Okay.

I got you this chicken.

Is Petyr coming?

Should we be worried?

Petyr's 8,000 years old.

We're not going to have Petyr at the meeting.

Okay, so I wanted to have a quick chat

about flat responsibilities

because, guys, I think that we're not all pulling our weight here.

We're not just pointing the finger at you, Deacon.

You're a cool guy, but you're not

pulling your weight in the flat.

Well, I'm glad to hear that I'm cool.

No, that's not the point though.

- You missed it. - No, I know, I know.

Yeah, it's not a flat meeting about how cool you are.

I do my flat chores.

- No, you don't! - Yes, I do.

No, you don't. This is why we're having the flat meeting.

The point is, Deacon,

that you have not done the dishes for five years.

Vladislav is right.

It's unacceptable to have so many bloody dishes

all over this bench like that.

I'm so embarrassed when people come over here.

What does it matter? You bring them over, you kill them!

Yeah.

Vampires don't do dishes.

Deacon's like the rebellious young vampire.

He's always doing crazy things, saying crazy things.

He's just like the young bad boy of the group.

Okay, so

one day I was selling my wares,

and I walked past this old creepy castle,

and I look at it and think,

"Very old and creepy."

And then this creature flies at me.

It dragged me back to this dark dungeon

and bit into my neck.

And just at the point of death,

this creature forced me to suck its foul blood,

and then it opened its wings like this

and hovered above me, screeching,

"Now you are vampire."

And it was Petyr.

And we're still friends today.

Vlad, you were great.

You put out the recycling, which was really cool.

And the other day, I dragged a man's body down the hallway

and noticed that there was no dust.

Like, I kind of... I kind of swept the hallway.

Vladislav is just like this older vampire

who grew up in the medieval times.

And to be living this long

and to have seen the things that he's seen

and still kind of have it together...

Ow!

I mean, hats off to him.

Bloody hell!

Sorry!

He's a really great guy.

A bit of a pervert.

He has some pretty old ideas about things.

- But we should get some slaves. - Yes.

When I first became a vampire,

I was quite tyrannical.

I was known for, uh, torturing a lot of people.

This is my torture chamber.

I don't come in here often anymore.

I tended to torture when I was in a bad place.

My thing was I would poke someone with implements.

I was known as Vladislav the Poker.

It's been like this the whole time, okay?

Viago is a little pedantic.

The washing and the rubbish, I did that.

Deacon, on dishes, and it's still hasn't moved in five years.

He was an 18th century dandy,

so he can be very fussy.

He nags and nags.

...went in the lounge the other day,

and there was blood all over my nice antique couch.

Which one, the red one?

Well, it's red now, yeah.

If you're going to eat a victim on my nice clean couch,

put down some newspaper on the floor and some towels.

It's not hard to do.

We're vampires. We don't put down towels.

Some vampires do.

Well, not serious ones.

When you get four vampires in a flat,

obviously there's going to be a lot of tension.

There's tension in any flatting situation.

It's settled then. We'll all do our jobs,

starting with a certain Deacon...

I will do my dishes!

Good, then do them!

This is bullshit.

I became a vampire when I was 16,

and that is why I always look 16.

In those days, of course,

life was tough for a 16-year-old.

Vampires have had a pretty bad rep.

We're not these mopey old creatures who live in castles.

Well, some... Most of us are. A lot are.

But there are also those of us

who like to flat together

in really small countries, like New Zealand.

I was a Nazi vampire.

After the war, which the Nazis lost...

I don't know if you know that the Nazis lost that war.

If you were a Nazi, after the war...

And if you were a vampire...

And if you were a Nazi vampire,

no way.

I was out of there.

Ja, I came to this country for love.

Uh... There was a girl, human girl,

and I thought she was fantastic.

She was absolutely amazing.

I was smitten.

Her family emigrated to New Zealand.

And I thought,

"You know what? To hell with it. I'm going to go.

"I'm going to chase her and tell her how I feel."

I told my servant Phillip,

"Send me to New Zealand."

He put the wrong postage on my coffin,

so the whole journey took about 18 months.

And when I got here, she had found someone else.

She had fallen in love

and she was married.

She gave me this before she left.

There she is.

That's me. I put myself in there, too.

She told me it was pure silver.

Unfortunately, we vampires cannot wear silver.

Yeah.

That's about as long as I can wear that.

Tonight, we are going out into Wellington Central.

It is important that we look good.

Yeah, it's really good, yeah. Like it.

One of the unfortunate things about not having a reflection

is that you don't know exactly what you look like.

Whoo!

Look, a ghost cup floating all by itself.

We can give each other feedback

and help each other out until we're looking great.

Yes, some of our clothes are from victims.

You might bite someone and then

you think, "Ooh, those are some nice pants."

- Should I wear these? - No. Change it.

When you are a vampire, you become very sexy.

We are trying to attract victims to us.

Not sure about the waistcoat.

I go for a look which I call, "Dead But Delicious."

We are the bait, but we are also the trap.

Hello, ladies.

And voila, we are ready to go into town and party...

Vampire style.

When we go into town, we must try to blend in.

Just walking the streets.

Coming into town, um, is really cool

because just for one brief moment,

- I feel... - Homos!

The trouble with being a vampire

is you have to be invited in to go in.

We'd like to come into the bar, please.

Can you invite us into the bar, please?

$5, you can walk in.

Will you invite us in?

If the humans found out what we were, they would destroy us.

There are between 60 and 70 vampires

in the Greater Wellington region.

Obvious vampire.

- Julie. - Hello.

How embarrassing.

He's a guy I used to work with, when I was human.

- Before, when I was human. - Gone?

Yeah, he's gone. I've been draining him all night.

I've been a very thirsty girl.

Hey, guys.

Being bitten as a little boy or a little girl,

you're always going to look the same age.

What are you doing tonight?

Are you going to kill some perverts?

Yeah, we're meeting a pedophile.

- Cool. - Yeah.

Okay. Let's just go to Big Kumara.

- Have a good night, guys. - Yeah. You, too. Bye.

Big Kumara is vampire-owned and operated,

and so we can always get in.

It's the hottest night spot for vampires in Wellington.

Come on in, guys. Come on in.

- Thank you. Thanks. - Thank you.

Perhaps you could bring some people to the house.

- Sure. - Perhaps some virgins?

Virgins? Yep, okay.

Any kind of preference in terms of gender or...

Maybe some ladies?

Yep, ladies.

Perhaps a guy.

One of each?

One of each should be cool.

My relationship with Deacon is...

Well, I'm his familiar. He's my master.

He tells me what to do, I do it.

We have that kind of master-servant relationship,

which works nicely, actually.

- Hello. - Hello.

It's a little bit of blood.

- Um... My husband, he's a hemophiliac. - Okay.

You know, someone that bleeds a lot.

Yeah.

Any kind of age range?

Young.

But not kids?

Not kids.

18 to 30?

Definitely younger than yourself.

Okay. So, 18 to 30.

- So, it's a dinner party. - Great.

- I'll be there. You'll be there. - Yes, dinner party.

The guys'll be there. We'll all be there.

Yes, we will dress up.

- Okay, great. - And then eat them.

- Okay. Great. - Should be fun.

I was just wondering if we could talk about the...

Do you know of a night dentist?

Because I have this thing here.

I was just wondering if we could talk about the deal.

- Hmm? - The deal.

The dishes?

No, you know, the deal.

The deal is that he is going to give me eternal life,

um, which is

very exciting.

Well, I just feel like I've kind of reached my potential,

and I wouldn't want to kind of get any older before...

I just feel like I'm the best version of myself that I can be.

It's just that it's been four and a half years, and I just...

But it's doing your pot plants,

I'm doing your dry cleaning,

I'm now doing your dishes, and I'm doing...

- I'm just wondering... - And the dentist.

- And the dentist. - The dentist.

And it's just taking an awful long time.

- So I was just wondering if I... - Be gone!

Okay.

- See you later. - Okay.

One of the most unfortunate things

about being a vampire is that

you have to drink human blood.

I like to make a real evening of it.

It's lovely.

Play some music,

maybe give them some nice wine.

It's their last moment alive,

so why not make it a nice experience?

So, tell me what you do. What do you...

I'm thinking about going to uni, actually.

Oh, you are? Let's put this over there.

University, ja?

Yeah, but after that I'm gonna travel.

Yeah, really wanted to go overseas for ages.

So I'm saving up, and I'm gonna go

to Spain and Italy and London and...

Yeah.

Okay. Excuse me. Just put that there.

Here we go.

Shit! Shit!

Well, that didn't go so great.

Um... I hit the main artery.

So, yeah, it's a real mess in there.

Um...

On the upside, I think she had a really good time.

So it's quite late,

and I've managed to find a woman up watching television.

And she seems like she'd be a good victim.

I'm just going to use hypnosis on her.

See me.

See me.

She can't see me from that angle.

Vladislav used to be extremely powerful.

He could hypnotize crowds of people.

Great orgies. 20, 30 women.

He could turn into all sorts of animals,

but now he never get the faces right.

He would kill anybody. Men, women, children.

Burning everything. It was totally great.

But he suffered a humiliating defeat

at the hands of his arch nemesis,

The Beast.

And he's never been the same.

See me.

See me.

See me.

See me.

Would you like to come inside?

Mmm. Mmm.

- Oh! - Ah!

Jackie, welcome!

- Hello. - Come in.

This is Nick. Ex-ex-boyfriend.

- And Josephine. - Nice house.

And this is Deacon, my overseas friend from Europe.

Deacon and his friends need victims.

Hi. Please come in. Welcome.

They can't be people

that I actually invest in or like

because, of course, they will become victims.

Hi, Josephine?

No, I sat next to you in English. Remember?

Um... Uh, you used to call me the Jaxocist.

No, you did. No, you did. Yeah.

No, you started that.

You were the one that started calling me that,

and then everyone... Then it kind of caught on. Yeah.

Okay, bye then. Bye.

She's in.

Do you like that, Nick?

Yup. Good choice.

I will go and prepare dinner.

Please.

Nick, are you a virgin at all?

Ah, what?

Doesn't seem like... Are you a virgin?

Ah, yes.

Um... No.

You were a virgin when we were seeing each other?

Yeah, I was 12.

You said he was a virgin.

I think we drink virgin blood because it sounds cool.

I think of it like this.

If you're going to eat a sandwich,

you would just enjoy it more

if you knew no one had fucked it.

Let's concentrate on Josephine then.

Are you a virgin?

I'm not, no.

Okay, I'm really sorry

because I totally pinned her as a virgin.

She looks like a virgin, she talks like a virgin. I mean...

Who would have sex with her? I wouldn't.

I would.

Oh.

Thank you.

Okay, there's two dinners.

- Yum. - Nick.

Do you like biz-ghetti?

Uh... Yep. Usually like it.

But be better if it was warm.

So this is my favorite trick.

We present our guest with a plate of biz-ghetti.

And then I will say, "Why don't you eat some biz-ghetti?"

Please, Nick, eat some biz-ghetti.

I didn't realize you enjoyed eating worms, Nick.

- No. No. - They are worms.

There's worms wriggling around on my plate.

It is wormlike, but not actually worms.

This is merely biz-ghetti.

We stole that idea from The Lost Boys.

But I put a nice twist on it.

Nick, how did it feel

to have a snake for a penis?

Jackie, my penis has disappeared. There's a cobra snake.

- Penis trick. - No one's gonna mistake your penis

for a cobra, Nick, okay?

- Believe you me. - What did you put in my spaghetti?

No, it is just a normal penis.

I'm out. I'm out.

Josephine, do you like biz-ghetti?

Look, these freaks spike my spaghetti,

make my cock turn into a snake.

This is not cool. Not cool.

You don't think this is weird?

For fuck's sakes.

Jackie!

Jackie!

Sorry, Nick.

What are you doing?

Jackie!

Shit! Shit!

What the fuck?

Nah. Nah.

Fuck off.

Where am I?

Fuck.

Fuck!

Freaks!

Oh, no, Petyr got him.

Poor guy.

Who let Petyr out?

Hey, guys!

Hey, what are you guys doing?

What are you doing, Nick?

Come into the house.

- Hi, my name is Nick. - Hey, guys. What are you up to?

I've been a vampire for two months.

Probably, I reckon the best thing about being a vampire is flying.

Like I've always wanted to...

I think everyone has always wanted to fly,

and now I can do it.

Nick, why don't you use the front door?

Why would I? I'm flying.

Petyr bit me,

sucked all my blood out.

I woke up in his basement, and he offered me some blood.

I just thought it was something,

some German thing that these guys do.

This transition into becoming a vampire was pretty hard.

I looked like shit to start off with.

I had a massive gash in my neck.

You could see the inside of my neck.

I had blood all over my top.

And then I came home, and I was sweating.

I was either really hot or really cold.

It was like a hangover times 10, I reckon. It was really bad.

It was quite similar to having the flu,

except the only difference would probably be

that my eyes bleed heaps.

Are you guys not cold?

I don't know, I can't explain it.

It was just... Yeah, just real hot and cold

and bloody eyes and flying and stuff.

The neighbors can see you flying around the house.

You want to draw attention to this house, hmm?

You've got a whole documentary crew following you around.

I am doing an erotic dance for my friends,

and you ruined it.

I was in the zone.

My friends were loving it.

I love it. I saw the end of it. It looked great.

I don't know if I'm being... If I'm accepted yet.

But, I don't know, I think it's getting there.

I know they're old and stuff, but they're quite naive

when it comes to the real world.

So, I don't know, it'll be cool to just hang out with them.

They can teach me some stuff.

I can probably teach them a few things.

At the start it was like, "Oh, no, I'm dead."

It's kind of affected my friendship

with normal people, my family and stuff.

But the way I see it, I've got a whole new family.

They accept me for who I am,

and I accept them for who they are.

Even though one of them killed me.

Where should we go tonight?

Let's go to The Big Kumara.

Why don't we go to Boogie Wonderland?

We never get into Boogie Wonderland.

No. My friend Richie is the bouncer. He can get us in.

- What? Really? - He'll invite us in.

Stu is keen. Stu loves it.

Who? Is that Stu?

Uh, this is my friend Stu.

- Hey. - Hey.

He works in computers and stuff.

Originally, he went out with my sister,

and then they broke up.

I didn't really get into it.

It's got nothing to do with me. And...

You can't hear me.

All right. So, basically,

Stu doesn't know that I'm a vampire,

and he doesn't know that my friends are vampires.

He just thinks that I've just met some colorful friends.

This is jasmine.

I brought him round to the house,

and they all thought I'd brought a meal for everyone.

It just really, really sucks that I can't eat him.

I just want to... Ah!

Look at it. He's the reddest guy I know.

All right. You can hear me.

You like computer-based stuff, mainly?

- Yeah. Geo databases. - Yeah.

Yeah. Computers mainly.

Let's have a vote. For Boogie Wonderland or The Big Kumara.

Big Kumara.

- Right. - Great.

Careful, Stu. Hurry up.

I don't think Nick should have been turned into a vampire.

He's such a dick.

How are you, brother? Looking great, man.

Gentlemen, you are most welcome.

We're in Boogie Wonderland!

So here we are at Boogie Wonderland,

and it is so much fun.

They have an electric floor.

This is amazing!

I'm just so happy to be here.

This place is pretty cheesy.

Also, did you see the jacket he wore?

He's wearing the same jacket as me.

Not exactly the same. It's...

It's pretty close.

What? Of course not.

I'm just loving being a vampire at the moment.

There's the Fat Ladies Arms,

on Wednesdays they do a Fear Factor competition.

You can win T-shirts and hats and spot prizes.

I can smell werewolves.

We're just about to walk past some werewolves,

so some shit might go down.

Look out, guys. Don't catch fleas.

- What's that, mate? - Deacon.

- Sorry, what? - Keep going, keep walking.

What? We heard that, mate. We've got sensitive hearing.

- Have you? - Yeah.

What are you filming? Is it a music video, is it?

We don't want any trouble.

Well, then why did you start it then?

I do. Have I got your heckles up, huh?

Why don't you go smell your own crotches, huh?

- Come on, Deacon. Stop it. - What are you talking about?

We don't smell our own crotches.

We smell each other's crotches.

And it's a form of greeting.

You're on camera, mate. Don't... Don't do it.

- What? - It's okay, 'cause I know this guy.

It's Count Fagula.

Hey, hey, hey. Don't swear.

Sorry, they...

Yeah? We're werewolves, not swear-wolves.

What are we?

Werewolves not swear-wolves.

- "Faggot" is not a swear word. - No.

That's a very offensive word to call people.

It's offensive, but is it a swear word?

Well, unless you're talking about a bundle of sticks.

Chase this bundle of sticks, werewolves.

No, no, no. It's not real. It's just...

Don't get it! Nathan, it's not real.

- He's just going to take off his gloves. - All right.

Oh! Shit, man. What the fuck did you do that for?

Hey! Don't swear. We're gonna lose it. We're gonna lose it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, calm down.

- Calm down. Dion. Dion. - Shit, I've still got my glasses.

- Oh! Oh! Oh! - Hey, hey.

Do the breathing. Do the breathing.

Okay. Do the breathing.

Count to 10, mate. That's all right. Come on.

- Count to 10, human again. - Hold it.

Count to 10, human again.

Count to 10, human again.

It's all right. It's not a full moon.

Thanks a lot, guys. Enjoy your night. Yeah.

Should be ashamed of yourselves, man.

Great. We didn't want this to happen.

Come on, guys.

Hey, say it, don't spray it, bitch.

Clifton!

Why are you swearing all the time?

Well, he riled me up.

- Were they actually werewolves? - Ja.

Are you okay, Stu?

I just don't really know how to approach this,

'cause I've never done it before.

Um... And he is a good friend, and I don't want to...

I don't want to break that friendship.

But, then again, what do you do

when someone tells you that they're a vampire?

I'm expecting him to be angry. He might be scared.

I'm expecting a lot of things to bubble to the surface.

You probably notice there's been...

I've been going through a few changes lately.

- Yeah. Yeah. - Yeah?

Like I don't show up for lunch anymore.

Yeah.

And how I've changed all our tennis games

to nighttime tennis games.

Right.

And how you went from beating me every time,

and now how I've won the last three?

Yeah.

So, the reason I brought you here

is to tell you that I'm a vampire.

Stu took it pretty well.

He's definitely my best mate, and I'm not gonna eat him.

If they ever offer you spaghetti, um,

you shouldn't eat it.

I think they offered me biscotti.

Vampire mates don't eat human mates.

And no matter how much I wanted to eat him,

I'll never eat him because he's my mate.

Eh, Stu?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Stu is great.

We really like him.

At first I wanted to kill him,

but now I'm glad I spent the time to get to know him.

Ja, of course he looks delicious, with his big red cheeks.

But we've all got an agreement

that we're not going to eat Stu.

- Right? - Right.

The guys upstairs, they're loving him.

At the start they were a bit,

"Who is this human you're bringing into the house?"

But it took them literally two minutes,

and they like him more than they like me, I reckon.

I am knitting a scarf for Stu.

- Try and attack. Use your legs. - Okay.

Wow!

- Step back, and block... - Okay.

And punching high. Yep.

- Hi. - Yep.

I'm just... What I'm trying to say is,

'cause I know that you...

You turned me into a vampire.

Maybe don't do that to him.

He's a vegetarian.

The last thing he'd want to do is eat a live being,

or eat blood, or eat meat.

- I am controlling this. - Get it. Get it.

It's quite amazing to see

how far technology can go forward

if you're not paying attention.

"One message received."

Oh!

"There is a crucifix behind you."

So, down on that one.

Halfway down will focus it.

Maybe smile.

- Anything you want to find, you... - Yeah.

- You can type in... - You write it into this.

I had lost a really nice silk scarf in about 1912.

Yes, now Google it.

Stu is the first human friend that I've had for a long time.

With humans, there's a tendency to die.

Yeah.

We can look at her photos.

- Oh, yes. - Or we could poke her.

Yes.

Can we see a movie of a sunrise?

Oh shit.

Ooh! Nice.

If we push "Images," then we can see pictures of virgins.

- Ja, ja, ja. - Yes.

No, go back. Go back.

I don't think she's a virgin if she's doing that.

There he is, yeah. This is my old servant, Phillip.

So we're gonna call him.

Ja.

And maximize the screen.

My God, that's him. That's him. That's him.

That's Phillip. That's Phillip. He looks so old.

Just click that. Yeah, that one.

...data about where things are.

Oh, like, Google Maps stuff?

Yeah, kind of like Google Maps,

but more layers of information.

The movie Twilight. Have you seen it?

Yeah.

Okay, I'm the main guy in Twilight.

You know the main guy? Twilight?

That's me.

There's cameras following me around.

They could've chosen anyone.

How many people have you told you are a vampire?

Not many.

I heard that girl talking about it.

She said you're a vampire.

Yeah, I told her.

- Who else? - Who did you tell?

Uh... I told her hot friend.

You can't tell everyone that you're

a vampire.

Who is that guy?

- I don't know, but I trust him. - Oh!

- Keep it under your hat. - You can't tell everyone.

All right, I won't.

I'm a vampire!

Vampire!

Yeah, got a bit of a eye condition.

What's wrong with them?

Uh, vampire eyes. Can't go into the sun.

Oh, my God, are they your fangs? For real?

For real real. It's too real real.

I'm a vampire, though.

- You're a vampire? - Yeah.

I'm a vampire hunter, man.

No, you're not.

- I am. - Fuck you, piece of shit.

I'll Skype you.

I can float. I can transform into stuff.

Same.

No, you can't.

Yeah. I'll show you.

You show me. Show me some of your vampire stuff.

What have I got? Um...

Don't lie about transforming into shit.

Twilight!

Shut up, Nick!

You're not Twilight.

- What's your problem? - You are my problem.

Telling the world that we are vampires.

And I'll tell the whole world

that you're an asshole now, as well.

Shut up!

- You shut up! - Guys...

- You shut up! - No, you shut up!

- No, you shut up. - You shut up.

I'm Dracula, man!

- You're not Dracula! - I'm Dracula, man!

You don't even know who Dracula is, you idiot!

- Ooh! Bat fight! - Bat fight!

Oh, Deacon!

That wasn't fair, man.

My fuckin' jacket, man.

I don't care about your stupid jacket.

Deacon!

Are you okay, mate?

- Hey, Stu? - Mmm-hmm?

How's your worms?

What?

You're eating worms.

Can you do that shit where you turn it into worms?

No, it...

Doesn't work on chips.

Only works on things

that already look like worms.

Maybe noodles. Do you want some noodles?

But he knows now.

Oh, no, I wouldn't eat that.

Why?

Are you okay, Nick?

All right?

He ate a chip.

I can't eat salads now. Great.

What, I can't sunbathe. I can't watch daytime TV.

I can if I... Yeah, I guess I could.

More than anything it's just the chips.

It's my favorite food. I can't eat chips.

This is... I don't... It's just I hate...

I'll say it. I'm over being a vampire. It's shit.

So, don't believe the hype.

Jackie!

Jackie, can I come in, please?

Okay, off to bed, guys.

Hello, children.

- Don't look at the man. - Hey, little killdies.

Natasha, don't look at the man.

I was going to bite you tonight.

Really?

But now I can't because there's this Nick being a vampire.

Sorry, I thought you killed him two months ago, didn't you?

No, I didn't. No, he's a vampire.

What do you mean?

He jumped in front of your place.

All I'm saying is that, um,

you know, if I had a penis,

I would have been bitten years ago.

I may have to penalize you.

Perhaps another couple of years. Perhaps 10 years. Hmm?

Like one big circle just biting each other's dicks.

They don't even wear shirts. They wear blouses.

It's just this big homoerotic dick-biting club,

and I'm stuck here ironing their fuckin' frills.

Also clean the bathroom, please.

There's blood everywhere. It is gruesome.

Okay, see you tomorrow.

Off to bed, please.

Katherine.

She was so charming and nice. She was everything I wanted.

Unfortunately, ja, she was married.

Sure, I wanted to kill the guy.

I thought about chopping his head off,

draining him of every drop of blood that he had.

Who wouldn't?

But then I also saw how happy she was,

and that made me kind of happy.

And I didn't want to ruin it for her,

so I did the honorable thing,

and I just stepped back, and let her live her life.

...coming from Petyr's room.

What?

Petyr!

Petyr!

Where is it? Petyr!

- Petyr! - Petyr!

Petyr! Get water!

Petyr, get out of the sunlight.

Water! Get water!

- Get water! - Petyr, get away from the sunlight.

Get in the shadows. Petyr, get out of the sunlight.

Get out of my way!

- I'm going in! - No.

I'm coming, Petyr!

- Deacon, no, it's sunlight! - I'm coming for you!

It's sunlight out there!

It's sunlight! It's sunlight!

I was too late.

Turn that thing off.

Our friend has just been killed

in a fatal sunlight accident.

So this is what I think happened.

The Vampire Hunter has broken through the window here,

has impacted the table, breaking the table leg.

Then he has come this way,

towards the tomb.

Crucifix! Cover the crucifix!

And then Petyr has burst from the tomb,

pushed the tomb lid onto the Vampire Hunter,

and then the sunlight has come through here

and burned Petyr alive.

I think this is just a table leg, which is sanded down.

Do you think he hand-sanded that or...

- Yes. Imagine that stuck in your... - Your leg.

It's quite shocking down here, Nick.

Look, here's our sweet Petyr

- burned to a sizzle. - Oh! Fuck. Yeah.

I can't figure out this.

This is the Vampire Hunter.

- Is this his front or his back? - Oh, who's this guy?

Look at his bloody head on back-to-front.

Twist it the other way, the other way.

This way.

See who this guy is here.

- Hmm. Typical macho type. - Yuck!

Hideous.

Oh, shit.

I know that guy, actually.

You know him?

- Yeah. - What?

I saw him the other night in town.

- Told him I was a vampire. - What?

I thought he was joking. He said he was a vampire hunter.

You let a vampire hunter into our house?

I didn't let him in. I just gave him my email.

- He didn't... - Nick!

I will tear out your tongue

- and shove it down your ass! - Deacon...

Guys...

Fucking hell!

I'm going to kill you!

Tear out your tongue!

You kill Petyr with your big mouth!

It was a mistake!

Get up. Take a breath.

Get up and stand on this ceiling like a man.

We can talk about this, okay? We can talk about it.

I'll kill you!

I'm already dead!

Stu, stay back.

There's someone at the door.

I'll go. I'll go.

Oh, shit.

Yeah, good evening, sir.

Hello, Police.

Hi, I'm Constable O'Leary. This is Constable Minogue.

We're just responding to reports

of a possible forced entry,

and also a rather large amount of shrieking.

Just wondering if maybe we could come in,

just have a wee look around.

Okay.

What's with the... Hello. What's with the, um, camera?

Yeah, obviously we're just here 'cause there was a phone call from

a member of the public about a bit of a disturbance.

Um... Some loud noises,

- possibly a forced entry, wasn't there? - Hmm.

And also maybe a bit of smoke coming out.

So we're just checking over the scene,

making sure everything's above board, so to speak,

and making sure no one's in danger, that kind of thing.

We might go up and have a wee look up there,

if that's all right with you.

- Just part of the job. Yep. - Come on, mate, you lead the way.

Okay.

- Smells a bit weird in here, too, mate. - Yeah.

What do you call that?

Barbecue.

You will not notice anything out of the ordinary.

No, we certainly hope not.

Let's just keep going.

- Yeah, hi there, guys. - Hello.

- How are you? - Good.

- Hey, fellas. - Hello.

Is this the room we've heard all the shouting coming from?

That was me.

Yeah, okay. We've had a couple of reports, okay?

There's a couple of people not that happy about the level of noise here.

- Okay. The neighbors? - You can't keep screaming

when there's this many people around, mate.

You've got neighbors on either side.

Really nervous.

I've hypnotized those cops.

I'm not a great hypnotizer,

so it could wear off any second.

I really hope that those guys don't kill those police

because it will mean more police will come,

possibly even Christians,

which is totally the last thing we need in this house.

I can see you're having a good time.

End of the day, we've got to keep the peace, okay?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

See what I'm seeing?

What's that, Minogue?

You're joking.

Not a smoke alarm in sight.

No smoke detectors, mate.

Rule number one, smoke detectors.

Okay.

Rule number two, maybe not so many barbecues inside.

- Sort it out, fellas. - Okay.

Barbecue smells really strong down here, doesn't it?

- What kind of marinade... - Yeah.

What kind of marinade did you use?

Who's this guy?

Um... That's a friend who came to our party.

Mate, are you all right?

- He's drunk. - That's what I thought.

- Drunk guy. - Yeah.

Look, you can't just leave him down here like that, okay?

This guy's not having a good time.

He's gonna feel terrible tomorrow morning.

Well, his soul is in hell, so don't worry.

Well, I don't know where his soul is,

but all I am saying is, where is his blanket?

Okay, just check on him in the morning.

There's a big slab of concrete on him.

- Yeah. - You could move that.

That's definitely not gonna be comfortable.

- See anything else in here, Minogue? - No, I've seen enough.

- Okay. - Hang on a minute.

What have we got here?

- What is that? - This?

- This? - Oh, this?

You can see it as clearly as I can.

Adhesive, mate. That's a flammable.

Then you've got a lamp on top of that,

directly underneath a power source.

That is quite bad, guys.

- It's very bad. - It's a very bad combination.

And no smoke detectors again, are there?

- No. - Yes, there are.

Yes, there are. I see them, yeah. That's good.

- Lots to think about, guys. - Okay.

Yeah, lots to think about there, guys.

- Well, shall we carry on? - Next flat meeting. Ja?

Yeah, good thinking. That's the thing.

Just have a bit of dialogue about it.

Okay.

They've got a really good point.

Wait. Let's kill them.

No.

Well, let's just see what other safety points they have,

and then maybe we'll kill them.

I call into session this trial of Nick of Wellington.

Read the charges.

"Problems we have with Nick.

"Number One."

You brought a human into our house,

which is a big no-no in the vampire world.

Stu is okay, though?

Yeah. Stu is fine,

so I guess we'll just cross that one out.

Uh...

- Thank you, Stu. - Thank you, Stu.

So, the new Number One.

"Nick's been telling people he's a vampire.

"That, in turn, resulted

"in an unwanted visit from a vampire hunter.

"Crime Number Two."

This is quite a biggie, Nick.

The Vampire Hunter who killed Petyr.

That actually should've...

That should've been Crime Number One,

but we wanted to build up to that.

Number Three,

Deacon doesn't like that you wear

the same jacket as him,

and he would like you to find your own original style.

For these crimes of which, we, the Vampire Council, find you guilty,

you shall be banished from our flat indefinitely.

- Indefinitely. - Indefinitely.

So I can come back?

No, no. "Indefinitely" means there is no end.

- I thought it was like... - I just think it...

No, "indefinite" means that it's not

a definite thing, it can be changed.

- Does it, though? - Yes, but it's long.

It could be tomorrow, it could be six months.

- No, it is not tomorrow. - No, it won't be tomorrow.

- Forget about it. You're banished. - It's at least six months.

- You're banished. - That's it.

But, Stu, you can visit if you like.

Thank you.

For your crimes, you will be made to suffer

the Procession of Shame.

I asked them, Nick. I asked them not to pass that sentence.

We should do this immediately, in my opinion.

You didn't ask.

You didn't ask. You were saying yes.

- I didn't. Well, I... - Well, this is what's going to happen.

I still think it's quite extreme.

Let us do the Procession of Shame now.

- Shame. - Shame.

Shame. Shame. Shame.

Shame. Shame. Shame.

Shame!

- Bad vampire! - Shame.

Shame.

Should we go, Stu?

Bye, Stu.

That was a shame.

So today we have an invitation

to the big event of the year.

Breaking it open.

They have burned the edges.

Like a treasure map or something.

It looks very authentic, doesn't it?

"Dearly departed..."

That's us.

"The Wellington Vampire Association

"in conjunction with the Lower Hutt Vampire Witch Club

"and the Karori Zombie Society

"invites you to attend The Unholy Masquerade

"on the night of the 6th of June,

"starting at 6:00 p.m."

666.

Oh, yeah.

The Unholy Masquerade, of course,

is great time for the undead community of Wellington.

There's zombies there,

vampires, banshees, all having a dance together.

It's always a big deal for me.

Love it.

One year I went to The Unholy Masquerade

dressed as Whoopi Goldberg

from Sister Act 1 and Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit.

It didn't go down so well because she was a nun.

We vampires don't like nuns.

Of course the big deal of The Unholy Masquerade is,

every year they announce a Guest of Honor.

And I don't know if I should be saying this,

but I heard a little rumor

that the Guest of Honor this year

might be me.

The location...

Oh, where? Yeah, where is it?

Oh, the location.

The Cathedral of Despair.

And the Guest of Honor will be...

Who is it? Show me.

Mmm.

Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay, that's fine. That's fine.

Okay?

I can't believe it!

Vladislav has

just had a reaction to the information

that the Guest of Honor will be, um...

The Beast.

The darkest part of my mind is reserved for The Beast.

We could tell you a thing or two about The Beast.

You should pray that you never have to see The Beast.

This one is called The Beast.

And I said, "Get your hands off my balls, Beast!"

He may have told you some stories

about his great battle with The Beast.

Yeah. "Oh, I fought The Beast on a cliff.

"Oh, I fought The Beast in a swamp.

"And then one time I fought The Beast

"in the toilets of a nightclub."

Difficult battle.

I hope you never see The Beast.

The Beast.

You can't go to the ball as Blade. He's a vampire hunter.

Yeah, but vampires love Wesley Snipes, so it's...

No, it's inappropriate.

Okay, Vlad, the green jodhpurs

or the black leather with the dragon belt?

I'm having a mild crisis here.

Just wear the pants you're going to wear.

Which pants do you want to wear?

Just look at the pants, Vlad. Turn around and look at them.

They're just pants!

- Shit, man! - Holy shit!

Oh, you look terrible.

The black pants.

Thank you. Get dressed.

I don't know if I feel up to it, really.

You don't look that great,

but if you eat someone on the way

- and rejuvenate a little bit... - I'm fine. I just...

You could probably wear a mask or something.

Just leave me to do my dark bidding on the Internet.

What are you bidding on?

I'm bidding on a table.

- Are you coming or not? - Not.

I'm gonna go change. We're leaving in 10 minutes.

Have a good time.

- Hello. - Great!

We tend to often, you know,

without getting into that kind of stuff.

Which I'm really sick of that. But, you know, it's just,

it's harder for us to actually chase people down.

Can I introduce Gary and Alicia? They're...

- Hi, how are you? - Hi there.

Hi, how's it going?

Less groaning. Less groaning, guys.

So we are at The Unholy Masquerade.

It's great. This is my mask,

which I made for the occasion.

- Ah! - Hey!

- Jackie. - Yeah.

This is undead party.

Yeah, I'm a vampire.

- You'll have your... - I'm a vampire.

I'm a vampire.

- Great. - Yeah, yeah.

So, um, who bit you?

Oh, Nick.

- Oh, great. - Yeah.

Right, okay.

Deacon!

It's pretty rude because she was my servant.

She was a pretty useless servant. I wouldn't worry about it.

Yes, but still.

I would've been appreciated if you had asked.

- Unlike some of these people. - How's Stu?

- Stu's good. He's there. - Oh, he's here.

- Stu! - Stu!

- Hi! - Hey, hey!

- How are you? - Hey.

Has anyone looked at you like they want to eat you at all?

Uh, no.

Can you hear me at the back?

On behalf of the Wellington Vampire Society,

uh, the Lower Hutt Vampire and Witch Club,

and the Karori Zombie Society,

we welcome you here tonight.

We're raffling a live meat pack this year.

You can inspect the prize over here to my left.

- It's a wonderful prize. - No, wait a minute.

Tickets are only $10 each, or $45 for a book of five.

Now, without further ado, it's my very great pleasure

to introduce to you this year's Guest of Honor,

Pauline Ivanovich.

Thank you.

That's The Beast.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

The Beast is the name I give to my ex-girlfriend, Pauline.

She prefers Pauline.

We had a very intense relationship.

We were very sexually explosive.

Last time I saw her, she impaled me and called me an asshole.

She said all kinds of things that really hurt me,

and all this while I was impaled on a lamppost.

Well, everyone, I will be mingling around,

and I really hope that I will meet

all of you.

Hello.

That's the new guy.

Do you know what kind of vampire he is?

- If he is a vampire. - Did you see his face?

Hello.

Oh. Oh.

- Hello. - Hi, how are you?

This is Deacon.

Hello, Deacon.

- This is Stu, our friend. - Stu?

G'day, Stu. How are you, mate?

- Whoa. - Good.

- Hi. Stu. - Stu. Julian, hello.

You've got really warm hands, Stu.

Are you a demon?

- No, he's not a demon. - No, no.

I'm a software analyst. I...

- Hey, Stu, Stu... - A male witch?

- You're a male witch. - It's kind of a technical...

Stu, you should go dance, um, with anyone.

- Sure. - Okay, take your time.

I like Stu. He's not vampire, so he... What, he's a zombie or...

Male witch?

He's not, uh... He's neither. He's more of a human.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Hi.

Nick, hey. Nick...

Do you mind if Stu is killed?

Uh, I don't feel that good about it.

Can I just ask you a personal question?

- Sure. - Are you, um...

Are you pre-deceased?

Uh...

If anyone's gonna eat him, it's gonna be us, but we're not...

We're past that.

They can just go fuck themselves.

Nick, it is your fault, okay?

You brought a human into this den of vampiressness.

- What, a plus one? - You're not helping.

- Yes, you did. - My plus one.

Lovely talking to you. I've got to shoot off now.

See you later on.

As soon as one vampire takes a bite,

- it's a blood frenzy. - Frenzy!

Okay, we've got to get him out.

Okay, let's go.

- Okay, follow me, follow me. - Excuse me. Sorry, guys.

Okay, Stu, put that over your bloody red face.

- Just going out. - Going outside for a cigarette.

Oh, hey.

Okay, not that way. Not that way.

This way. This way.

Is there another way? Oh.

Not this way.

- Back away from the vampires. - Guys...

Excuse me, everyone!

Can I have your attention, please?

Some of the vampires forget Unholy Masquerade rules.

They brought a human...

...and they don't let us to feast on him.

This is a total misunderstanding.

There was on the invitation... And this actually pertains to you.

The invitation, it said, "Plus one,"

- but it did not specify... - Hey, mate. Look...

If it could be a human, or if it could be a werewolf.

Yeah, but you could be a vampire hunter for all we'd know.

He could be texting his mates saying,

"I've got them all in the one place.

"Come on over and we'll have a vampire barbecue."

Well, he's not. He's not doing that.

Well, we don't know that, do we? How do we know that?

He's wearing a bowtie. Look at him!

Stu, tell them what you do.

Come on, Stu. Tell us what you do.

- Come on, Stu. - Tell them what you do, Stu.

- Uh, hi, my name is Stu. I'm a... - Don't fuck it up.

- I can't hear, Stu. - Louder, louder.

Uh, hi, my name is Stu. Um, I work in IT.

- I can't hear. - Louder.

Speak up, Stu. They can't hear you. They cannot hear you.

Hi, my name is Stu. Uh, I'm a software analyst.

I work for a geographic information systems company.

Sorry, what is it?

I work for a company that does, um...

Basically, we take, like, business requirements from organizations,

and we, um, analyze those requirements,

and then we build software to fit those requirements.

He is a virgin. He is a virgin.

I can smell a virgin at a thousand paces.

Go on then. Go a thousand paces away and smell yourself.

I can't wait anymore.

No!

There shall be no eating of the human.

Who are you all of a sudden?

You have forgotten your former lover so quickly.

Georgie?

No, not Georgie. Like, five years after.

Wait a minute. Just one moment.

Viago...

No, I've got it. That's got it. Takes away from...

Hello, Beast.

Hello, asshole.

Hey, don't call me asshole.

Don't call me Beast.

- This is Vladislav. - Yes, they're absolutely the same.

This is my ex-boyfriend. You know, the one who fucked that witch?

All right. That's old business. That's personal business.

Nice to meet you, asshole.

This is my lover.

You will not feast on the blood of the human known as Stu.

Listen, asshole, this is human and this is the rules.

And what is cameras doing here?

One, then another one. What is this?

We're making a documentary on...

This is a private secret society, mate.

Exactly.

You don't go bringing your bloody cameras into everything.

You will not eat Stu, and you will not eat the camera guy.

Maybe one camera guy...

I'm up to about bloody here with you at the moment.

And all your mates behind there, whoever the hell they are.

We're gonna eat the human being,

and there's nothing you can do about it, all right?

Now back off and let my missus get her way.

Oh, there's nothing I can do about it?

- That's right, mate. - Well, what about this?

Rip his head off.

What do you want?

Vampire fight!

Get him, Vladislav.

Rip his head off!

He's killing him!

It is forbidden for vampires to kill vampires.

What the...

Vlad! Oh!

What?

Are you okay, love? Get out!

We should probably go, Stu.

It was great to see you, Pauline.

Asshole!

- Bastards! - Yeah, Stu.

That was great how we both...

He's a murderer.

We both together equally destroyed that guy.

Yeah, but it was more Stu with the giant stick.

I hope this doesn't make it awkward for you and The Beast.

No, I think it's opened up new possibilities.

Oh, no.

- Here we go again. - Here we go again.

Stu, Stu, Stu, Stu! Stu, Stu, Stu!

Stu, Stu, Stu, Stu, Stu, Stu...

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, stop! - Listen, listen!

You smell that?

This way.

Werewolves.

Oh, no.

Look what the cat dragged in, huh.

Piss off.

Keep walking. Don't hassle us tonight.

There has been no hassle here.

Well, let it stay that way. Keep chaining yourselves up.

Guys, where's your tracksuit pants?

It was, um, washing night.

My missus couldn't wash them

'cause there was too much blood on them. So...

When your legs expand, they grow into the tracksuit.

Oh.

Those jeans are gonna rip completely.

You've lost all those trousers, guys.

Declan, that tree is far too thin.

Look at it. It's like a branch.

You know how big you get when you transform.

That's the wrong tree for you.

Anton, I've...

Oh, no, you've forgotten the combination.

Why did you get a combination lock?

I lost my key last time.

Okay, well, it's probably 4 zeros.

That's the factory setting, is it?

Fuck off to a tree.

Hey! Werewolves, not swear-wolves.

Yeah, I know. But on transformation nights it's all right.

All right? I'm getting stressed out.

I was just reminding you.

Stop talking and chain yourself up, you dickhead!

Honestly, we're transforming.

All right, we'll keep walking.

- Yeah, keep walking. - Well, we're walking.

By the way, I find that offensive.

Is it fur?

Oh, for crying out loud.

Don't look at the fur, everyone. Get back to your trees, okay?

- That's disgusting, man. - You're wearing fur.

- Declan! - Anton!

- That's not real fur. - Oh, shit!

Right.

Honestly, get out of here. Take your humans!

The guy in the bowtie, he's gonna go first!

Camera crew, get out of here!

Quick! Take all your clothes off

that you want to keep, everyone!

Get that army surplus jacket off.

You've only just bought that, Nathan.

Get that camera out of my face!

Guys, guys, guys. Let's go. Let's go. Come on!

Run, Stu! Run! No!

Let's go, let's go!

- They're coming, guys! - Shit!

I got one!

My leg! My leg!

Oh, God!

Stu! Stu!

Stu!

Stu!

Get away! Argh!

Stu, are you all right?

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Stu!

Stu!

Fuck off, asshole!

Fuck off!

Fuck off! Get off, dick!

You stinking gang of assholes!

No, no, no, no. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Stupid werewolves!

Look away, Nick! Don't look at the blood!

No, Stu! Stu!

He was a really good dude. Leave him alone!

It's too late for him!

Don't look at the blood, Nick.

Stu!

There he is.

He's probably still a little upset,

having seen his best friend disemboweled by werewolves.

Nick, I found you.

Whoa.

That was pretty full-on, eh.

But this is what happens when you are a vampire.

You have to watch everyone die.

Your mother and father. All your friends.

Sometimes brutal.

Like slipping and falling onto a giant spike,

or falling asleep in an autumn pile of leaves

and having some of them block your windpipe.

Or making the simple mistake of fashioning a mask out of crackers,

and being attacked by ducks, geese, swans.

Or simply dying of old age.

But even old age is brutal.

Watching your friends grow old.

They can't piss.

And they say stupid things, and their brains go,

and they can't remember anything.

And then, one day, they can't even remember who you are.

And you wish they were dead.

And then they do die.

No. If I know Stu,

this was probably the way he wanted to go.

Disemboweled by werewolves.

Blood and guts splayed onto the trees.

His face torn to shreds.

I hope I made you feel better.

Uh, well, from what we can see and what we can gather,

it looks like there's been a bit of a dog attack.

That's really what happens when you get, you know, dangerous dogs

out on the streets, not being looked after.

This is not good.

No, not good at all.

There's nicer ways to go than being torn apart by, uh,

what looks like a pack of dogs.

- More than just one. - Yeah, I'd say so.

These attacks are becoming more and more frequent.

They're happening on a monthly basis, and it's just...

It's no good for anybody, okay?

Especially not the dogs. Certainly not the community.

Here, O'Leary. I got the bastard. One of them here.

And that's what I'm talking about. Look at it.

End of the day, this dog is gonna have to be put down.

What a shame.

Look what you did. Eh?

Now, he's got the scent again, hasn't he?

He wants to go again. He's not finished.

Yeah.

They say that vampires' hearts are cold and dead.

Definitely dead.

Bye, Stu.

He would've loved this scarf.

It's a lovely loose knit.

But I don't know. I think I still feel things inside it.

Deacon!

Deacon!

Deacon, wakey-wakey. Hey.

Viago...

You were asleep in here with the curtains open. It's nearly morning.

- Oh. - You want to get sizzled to a crisp?

You know you've got to think a little bit about these things.

Okay. Sorry, Viago.

No, it's okay.

- Night-night. - Night-night. Okay.

Received at 4:20 a.m.

Ah!

- Stu! - Hey, Deacon.

- Stu! - How's it?

Good to see you.

Look at his face.

I saw them tear you to shreds.

Look, he looks like Seal.

They didn't kill me.

It looks cool.

Thank you, thank you.

Meet some of our friends.

Anton...

Deacon. Hi, Anton.

Anton.

I must have blacked out.

And then I remember an ambulance.

He's going into shock, O'Leary!

- Yeah, yeah. I'm on it. - O'Leary!

Yeah, coming.

Okay. Just calm down, mate.

Calm down. Grab his legs!

Just hang on a moment.

Looks like rabies, doesn't it?

And I don't know how long after that it was,

but I, like, woke up and it was daytime.

And I couldn't find my clothes.

Those werewolf guys, um, eventually found me,

and they had some... They lent me some pants.

So, yeah, those guys have been supporting me,

'cause I was quite confused.

Yeah, these are the guys who turned me into a werewolf.

Did you knit your own jersey?

- Yes. - Oh, yeah.

- I knit. - Is that the moon, or...

Yes.

Hopefully, we won't, you know...

Oh, this is a nice place.

Please, don't lick anything or pee on anything.

We were worried at first, you know.

We thought, "Oh, they're just going to urinate on everything."

But they're actually really polite and pretty clean.

There was obviously that werewolf smell,

which permeated the entire house for the first half an hour.

But we opened some windows and got rid of that.

When Stu first suggested the idea,

I thought, "No way. You know,

"walking into the vampires' den. That's ludicrous."

That's my hand.

But I thought, "Well, we'll give it a shot."

You know, I mean, I'm the alpha male, so I made the call.

- I'm the alpha male. - Yes.

So, generally, all the other guys follow me.

- To Stu! - To Stu!

Thanks, guys.

What have you done to your face?

I got attacked by some werewolves.

Ooh, I met a werewolf. Seemed a very nice person.

So Katherine is a vampire now.

Yes.

Yeah, we decided to get together.

We just thought, "To hell with it," you know?

"What have we got to lose?"

I was just sitting, doing nothing,

and he came floating in and over to me,

and I recognized him. It was wonderful.

That's right. I bit you on the neck.

That's right.

And I don't mind being a vampire.

I'm enjoying it.

Some people freak out a bit about the age difference.

They think, "What's this 96-year-old lady doing

"with a guy four times her age?"

And, you know, I don't care.

It doesn't make any difference.

No, they can call me "cradle-snatcher." Who cares?

I decided to bite her, and we're gonna be together forever.

- Wonderful. - Yeah.

Pauline and I are tentatively back together.

But it's not long before you remember

why it was you broke up in the first place.

We'll start in our bedroom.

I need it totally boarded up or blacked out somehow.

My husband is my familiar,

so there has been a dynamic shift there.

You could buy a BeDazzler. So write that down.

- Yeah. - Because... That's B-E-D...

I feel like I'm who I'm really meant to be now.

- I love you. - I love you, too.

Great.

But I am your master.

- Okay? - Yeah.

Yeah, these guys have to laugh at my jokes. Right, guys?

Yeah.

That is a good one, man.

I always look round and make sure they're all laughing.

If I see one of them is not quite laughing,

I'll go, "Hey. Are you laughing?"

And then often I'll test you. What were you laughing at, Clifton?

- Eh? - What are you laughing at now?

- Just then? - Yeah, but what?

Oh, I don't know, 'cause you...

Oh, test failed! Test failed! Yeah!

You're laughing now. What are you laughing at now, though?

I don't know 'cause...

Oh, another failure!

Well, what are you laughing at, Stu?

I was laughing with the group.

Yep. That's good. That's good. Yeah, he's in. See? Yeah.

Just pay attention. Pay attention.

Laugh with the group.

Laugh with the group.

You will not remember the last hour and a half

of what you have just seen.

You will forget the contents of this movie.