Original subtitles

- The national security agency

Collects millions of pieces of electronic data each year,

From security cameras, laptops, drones,

Even your cell phone.

Most of it is completely useless,

But someone's got to sort through it all,

Deep in the bowels of nsa headquarters.

That job goes to

An intrepid team of rookies...

Interns who spend their days

Watching video after video

After video after video in a never-ending search

For that one video

That might save america.

These interns of the nsa

Are always watching

"top secret videos."

- I feel the need...

- The need for a... - Video feed!

- I hate it the day after "top gun" is on cable.

"time to buzz the tower."

- Yeah! - Ooh.

- Looks like he's grabbing his ass.

- Yeah, I think he has to poop.

Like, "look at my ass!"

- So far, no problem. Typical eagles fans.

- Whoo! Yeah!

- He's late to throw batteries at santa claus.

Gotta catch that train?

Oh! - God, I love that.

- Oh! - Oh!

- Trying to become endangered, just like the eagle.

- I don't get why guys love football so much.

If I just wanted to see dudes breathing heavy,

I would tell you two the elevator is out.

- That's true. - Get it? We're fat.

Mm-hmm.

- Oh. - Oh!

- I can see that... That's a problem.

Shower sex is the worst.

I've heard. -

- Oh, man, that's gross to think about.

- I feel like this is the ballet with less anorexia.

- "I'll have the number three wash, polish, dry with carl.

- He's like, "hey, man. Dude, leave me alone.

I'm trying to make my protein shake."

classy restaurant.

- Oh, you do not wanna see how this guy stirs a martini.

- I did the same thing with a sierra mist bottle,

And I got kicked out of my fraternity.

- Oh, my god.

- Ew.

- "that's my man, right there!"

"ain't nobody else popping champagne with their ass

Like my best friend!"

- You know, they can only call it butt champagne

If it comes from the butt region of France.

- I like this.

- These kids were clearly conceived at a phish concert.

I'm... wait.

No, no, no, no, no. I don't like this at all.

Oh. - Oh.

Please forget I ever said I liked this.

- Come on, get the dicks out of kids' entertainment.

This isn't a disney movie.

- I thought they made you sign an nda at the rnc.

- Very careful driver.

- Hmm. - Oh, no.

- Oh. - Oh, just missed it.

- Parking at trader joe's is always a nightmare.

- That's true. That's damn true.

Oh... oh! Okay, not done.

- Nailed it.

- Gotta get a closer spot.

- I feel bad for the dude taking a nap in there.

- Two, one.

- Ooh! Where's the wheel?

- Where's the wheel? - Oh, my god!

- "where's the wheel? Where's the wheel?"

I know! Wow.

- Clearly, they're not familiar with the concept of gravity.

- usa!

- Usa! - Number one!

- "honey, good news.

Remember how you always wanted a sunroof?"

- When women get together, we just tear each other down

Until one of us develops an eating disorder.

- Initiating daily briefing.

- Good morning, agents.

As you know, the nsa brand partnership program

Has been a huge success.

We're keeping america safe by working with brands

Such as google, blackwater, and hallmark.

- Hallmark?

- You'd be surprised

At the subliminal messages you can hide in a greeting card.

- And today, we are launching a new nsa-themed flavor

Of america's favorite soda brand, thunder mist.

Infused with the essence

Of cipher berry and encryption key lime,

I present to you

Crypto crush.

It's a blast of patriotism in your mouth.

- Okay, gross. This isn't fleet week.

- Shh.

- Of course, the nsa has a long history

Of partnering with popular sodas.

If it wasn't for 7up, we'd still be in vietnam.

- It's true.

- Our employees will be the first

To taste the new mist.

Our soda brand ambassadors will be distributing

A bottle of crypto crush to every desk.

- As a self-professed thunder mist sommelier,

I am very excited about this.

- Oh!

Oh!

- I'm more of a cat-shattering-tables person.

- We'll see you

After these ads.

Oh, and also

While you're sleeping.

Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today

Ooh, good crack.

Mmm, woodier than I would've expected.

- How long is this gonna take, ron?

I really wanna taste it.

- Ooh, is that dandelion? - No.

No, no, no, no, no.

Crayon.

- Enough, already. Bottoms up.

Okay, that is disgusting.

- You just don't have a sophisticated palate.

Try it with the cheez doodle.

- oh!

Oh!

- Okay, all right. - Oh!

- Sign that dog up for aew.

He knows how to go through a table.

- Oh!

- I'm more of a cat-shattering-tables person.

- I know how that dog feels.

I've broken 40 pieces of wicker furniture.

- Yeah, sometimes you're just too big

For the space you're in.

- Why isn't he saying anything? Like, "can I help?"

What? Is he taking a selfie or something like that?

- Hey, he's too busy working all those dog puppets.

How many are there? - I know!

He has a finger up of each of their asses.

- Just two bears and four dogs.

- Whoa. - What?

- You've never seen this before, ali?

"every year, thousands of air mattresses

Travel to mate with each other."

- Morgan freeman narrates it.

Every six months,

The north american air mattress

Migrates south for the winter.

No one knows why.

But they do know... It's spectacular.

Many college students and divorced dads go missing,

Not knowing where to sleep

As the air mattress travels...

Travels down the land

In a beautiful symphony of bounce.

Like a snowflake,

No two air mattresses are completely the same.

This is so fun!

- Don't stop!

Do this all day, please.

- The grill is on fire!

- Yeah, it is on fire.

- Cut the gas off!

The grill is on fire!

- These gender reveal parties are out of hand.

- Open the grill! - I can't.

It's too damn hot!

- Well, I wonder why?

You caught the grill on fire!

- It ain't gonna go out

Until the damn ribs is burned all to hell.

- The ribs is still on the gr...

- I like this guy, though.

He's grilling his mom

Better than she's grilling that barbecue.

- It's an eclectic family. She's grilling; he's baking.

- I don't know what she's doing!

- You know it's good when you gotta

Put flame retardant on.

- I can't breathe!

- It is good to hear it...

That he's laughing so hard at his mom.

- You hear his pot laugh too.

- Oh, my god!

- Smoke another blunt while you laugh at your mom.

- Got $30 worth of ribs on that grill.

I can't wait to get a video

Of what them mother look like.

Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm. Look at that.

- Sounds like forrest gump.

- A forrest gump that says "mother" a lot.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- "mother always said life is like

A box of chocolates."

- "damn, this mother like shrimp."

- "president kennedy,

I gotta piss like a mother."

- Oh, my god.

- Okay. - Awesome.

- What is going on here?

Vampire nightclub!

- Oh, that... that bat can move! - Yeah.

- He's like, "I need space on the dance floor."

- Yeah.

- Think they know the batusi? - I'm sure.

- What are they eating?

- Their lips. They're totally on crank.

- Bat molly.

- Hello? - Hello?

- "I'm in the wall."

- Excuse me, I'm watching you.

- My... what the?

"my... what the?"

- This muggle doesn't believe in magic.

- Who the are you?

"no one sees the wizard!"

- Doordash in the uk sucks.

- No, mate, someone's talking to me.

Mate, come... come here.

No, no. Come here.

Mate. Say hello, then.

- Hello? - Hello.

Hello, number 26 and number 9.

- "oh, shit!

She knows our numbers!"

this is the opposite

Of an irish goodbye.

It's a british drop-in.

'ello, we weren't invited.

- I'm gonna punch this. - Yeah.

That's your answer to anything he doesn't understand.

"I'm gonna punch it."

- Yeah, that's how most men run countries.

- "and we go now to the negotiations for brexit."

- Oh! - Oh.

- No. - Did not expect that.

- I hate when you're on a date and your ex shows up.

- Don't try this at home.

Seriously.

We'll know if you do.

- No, one star. It's just not good.

I'm gonna send in my feedback.

Uh, guys,

Something is wrong with my computer.

Welcome to hell!

You have 24 hours to transfer $50,000,

Or the contents of your hard drive

Will be published online.

- Oh, my god! No, no, no, no, no!

What is happening?

- It sounds like you've been hit with ransomware.

- The clock starts now!

Good luck!

- Where am I gonna get that kind of money?

And my hard drive? I have personal stuff on that!

You guys, I'm ruined!

- You think we can't handle a little ransomware?

- Let's do it.

- 22 hours left, guys.

Do it, do it.

No! -

- Ethernet.

Hdmi.

- 20 hours left.

- Come on!

- Give me everything you got.

- Now what?

- Now... We wait.

Wanna order a pizza?

- Always.

- Oh, no.

- You can tell by his look, he's shifty about... oh, yup.

- Oh.

- Old school. Here we go.

- We found the guy who's been on the photocopier.

- This is how amish people sext.

- Oh, my god. - Oh... okay.

- Ow. Ah!

- Damn, he must've got a badonkadonk.

- He's gonna show his doctor that photocopy.

"is my butthole supposed to look like a cauliflower?"

- That's also how my friend got her boyfriend to propose.

She just sat on it until it broke.

- He really put the "kink" in kinko's.

- Okay. - Oh!

- No, that's just not a good idea.

- My god, that is disgusting. - No.

- He looks like a snake.

Yup.

He's like, "that's my mouse!

I'm not trying to share half of it with you!"

- His hairline is even backing away from this situation.

- I knew there'd be some incriminating footage

Of stephen miller.

- What's going... oh! - Oh!

- Did not expect that. - No.

- I hate when you're on a date and your ex shows up.

- In the bull's defense,

They were making fun of his huge, dangly balls.

- Well, that's just bull's block.

You don't come around the bull block if you're not a bull.

This is the bull's gas station.

- Aw, it's a meet-cute.

- It looks like his radio's stuck on ska.

- Watch out... ooh. - Oh.

If I was the airbag, I would've refused to go off.

Like, "nah, you deserve this."

- That's me getting to a party

And running into the one scientologist.

Oh.

Oh!

- Sometimes,

The tv is watching you.

- 19 hours until my life is destroyed.

Oh, my god, what's happening?

- Ransomware disabled.

- Yes! - Yeah!

It worked! - We did it!

- Shouldn't someone warn the higher-ups

That crypto crush is more like a crypto crime?

- No need.

- Director sullivan?

- Congratulations.

You three were the first nsa employees

To defeat the ransomware.

- You mean this was all just a test?

- Yes.

- So now we all get promotions?

- No, no, of course not.

But someone on our cyber warfare team

Will be terminated.

- Oh, no. - Well, yeah.

That's my favorite part of the job.

Anyway, if you three were able to crack it that fast,

How can we expect it to be an effective cyber weapon?

No offense, but the absolute lowest, least advanced,

Mentally inept employees of the entire nsa are...

- Okay, we get it!

- Don't interrupt.

- I wanna thank you for this valuable information.

Anyway, to freedom and surveillance.

God! Marlo.

Get me one of the charcoal waters out of my refrigerator.

God.

Dear sweet christ in heaven.

What gaping asshole created this?

- Oh. - Yup.

- Oh! - Just being safe.

Drunk people playing with fire... always a good idea.

- Oh, my god... oh my god! - Oh!

Ladies first, man! - Seriously.

Oh, my god!

- Well, at least that's not the only burn

That she's gonna get in her pants from this festival.

- Usually, when I get a burning sensation from a date,

There's less people in the room.

- Oh, the delivery's here! Oh!

You got for us? Bones? You got some treats?

What you got? Kibbles? You got bits?

We want 'em all! Come on!

Wait, where you going? Where you going?

- That is not the first thing in his life

That's gone downhill. - Ooh.

- Okay, why does he start running away?

- That's 'cause he knows he's in trouble.

He's like, "I wasn't driving that truck."

- I like that he went back for his hat like indiana jones.

'cause this definitely is his last crusade.

- He's like, "I'm glad I didn't hit the house.

I know I'm fired, but at least there's less paperwork now."

- To think those amazon workers missed 12 pee breaks

To load that truck up for him.

- Whoo!

- Oh, this is already...

gonna be bad.

- Ooh. - Oof.

Wow, that table is sturdier than most of my relationships.

- "so what you're seeing here

Is actually a buffalo, new york mating ritual."

Ooh. - He's not lovin' it.

He's clearly never heard of the five-second rule.

That's one way to bury your emotions in your food.

- Good news is he definitely has another sandwich

In his cargo pants.

Come hit it.

Look at the ball.

Oh! -

- I saw the nut hit coming the second this started.

- That's gotta be on camera. - It's not, but it's so funny.

- That camera. - Oh.

- That's grounds for a divorce right there.

If I get hit in the balls

And my wife just laughs in my face, I'm walking out the door.

- That's on camera.

- Good to get an at-home vasectomy.

- That's a classic.

- That's what we wanted, and that's what we got.

- I love when you predict something

And the video delivers.

Oh, my... both: Oh.

Oh!

- Sign him up for cirque du soleil!

- Are you kidding me? - That dude's a badass.

Whoa.

Let this be a lesson to david blaine.

It's not magic if it can happen to a dog on accident.

- Somewhere up in the sky, there's two cats going,

"we got him, we got... aw, damn it."

- That's the cutest form of animal cruelty I've ever seen.

- Yeah.

- Oh, look. It's pissed kringle.

"ho-ho-holy, I'm drunk."

- biking home.

- Santa must've got a dui. - Oh, god.

- You can't arrest santa claus!

You out of your jurisdiction. This ain't the north pole.

- What's the good of having elves

If you can't get them to be a designated driver?

Maybe rudolph's nose was blinking

Because it was a breathalyzer.

He's like, "merry christmas to all,

And to all a... what the you looking at?"

Go, santa, go! Use your magic!

- What...

- He's like, "I got no time, I gotta get my car wash.

I'm running late, gotta pick up my kids!"

My god!

- Oh, my... the speed!

- I don't know what's more detailed.

Oh, my god!

- oh, my...

- What? - Safe!

- Holy.

- "so before I tell you the bad news,

"I was able to get the car washed

And picked the kids up from school at the same time."

- Man, I used to think a quick wash

Was when I just washed my armpits

In the denny's bathroom.

- Imagine walking into a denny's bathroom

And seeing brian washing his pits.

- I do not have to imagine it.

- Well, uh... - Oh, god.

- This... you can tell this is already no good.

- This is not going in a good direction.

- Mm-mm. - Neon shorts, ponytail.

He's made other bad decisions.

- Try to hold this table down.

- This is the awkwardest day ever.

- Involve the kid somehow.

- Yup, this is, like, very...

- Move over, elf on the shelf.

Here comes fat guy on the table.

- Don't fall.

- Mm-hmm. Brace yourself.

- I wish that fan was on.

- I hear it cracking. I don't know if...

- Oh. - Oh, my god!

- That christmas tree gained two angels that night.

- To freedom and surveillance.

God. Ugh.

This tastes like a jaguar's anus.

Ugh.

Like bug juice and worm.

It's like fermented toenails.

It's like sucking dick cheney's thumb... ugh.

Tastes like one of rumsfeld's skin tags.

It's like the inside of a band-aid

Off of ronald reagan's back.

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