All language subtitles for Guest In London (2017)akkadukka

Fixed & Synced by bozxphd. Enjoy The Flick.

Are you 'P'?

- P?
- Are you Pregnant?

No sir, how can I be pregnant?

How can I be pregnant, sir?

Well even if you're pregnant,
Mr. Aryan Grover

- for your 'Kl'.
- Kind Information.

The company is still not
granting maternity leave to men.

- Sir this is an emergency?
- Why?

Are you expecting a storm?

Tsunami?

Earthquake?
What is it?

Sir, uncle's coming.

He's back.

"This is not All India Radio."

"He'll come dressed for the occasion."

"Guest in London."

"Uncle nowadays
they are called guests."

"Here comes the guest."

"Sporting an innocent
smile on his face."

"Pretending like he's a saint."

"But he's a disaster
waiting to happen."

"This is a serious situation."

"Hide under the blanket or your bed."

"Coop up in your neighbors' home."

"You can hide in a different country."

"Or trying hiding
on the Moon or Mars."

"Whether you hide in
the closet or your backyard."

"Your basement or the roof."

"But he will find you
he will sniff you out."

"Hell sc**** you openly."

"Guest in London."

"Guest in London."

"Guest in London."

"Guest in London."

"Here comes the guest."

This interview is to check
that this marriage is real.

And that you're not having
a marriage for benefits.

The present conversation
is to find out.

"Whether you two are actually
uniting in holy matrimony.

or faking it for
the sake of the visa.

No, sir.

We love each other.

Fine. We'll question you
separately about your personal life.

- Agreed?
- Agreed.

Is this an arranged
marriage or a love marriage?

Is it arranged or love?

- Love marriage.
- Love marriage.

The name of your future wife's father.

- What?
- Your father-in-law?

- PK Patel.
- OK Patel.

- Huh!
- She has two fathers.

- What does Anaya do?
- She drives a cab.

I am a cab driver.

- How much does the lady eat?
- Not much.

- Does she bathe every day?
- Yes.

- Who sleeps first?
- Me.

- Who does the laundry?
- Me, of course.

- Who earns the most?
- Me.

- Who spends the most?
- Me.

- Is it all true?
- Yes.

This is just too much.

Yes, sir. We love each other.

Haven't met any couple that
knows so much about each other.

Wait, sister.

This is a sham. It's a fake marriage.

You think so, Officer Habibi?

Because they know too
much about each other.

If any couple in India or Pakistan
know so much about each other"

"then, they are not husband and wife.

They are Karan and Johar.

Officer Habibi, you Pakistanis
always have a problem with Indians.

Your marriage date is in 15 days.

- Thank you, sir.
- Thank you, sir.

Allah now I must cross
the border to prove this.

So the deal is you'll pay 7000 pounds
to Anaya for this fake marriage.

And she will help
you get a UK Citizenship.

Twenty advance Twenty after the wedding.

And the rest when you
submit your visa papers.

Anaya will stay at your house
for 6 months until the wedding.

And within these 6 months"

you must convince the
government and everyone else.

"That, you two are
a very loving couple.

And then divorce.

And?
' And?

And during this time,
I'll have to pay for all your needs.

And never try to get close to me.

This is too much.

Come in. Come in.

This is my home.

This is where we're going to live.

This is your room.

Nice, isn't it?

Come on. Please.

This is the master bedroom.

It's got a bigger bed.

Enough for two.

One.

Here's your advance.

Count it.

You should always be careful
when it comes to money matters.

That's what I always do.

These are 1500 pounds.

I haven't received my salary yet.

I'll pay you the rest as soon as I do.

And now we're soon-to-be
husband and wife.

I know it's fake but
I am not going anywhere.

Listen, dude, cut the crap.

You'll have to pay
me every single penny"

and if there's a single pound less"

Allah.

- Then.
- Then?

- Then.
- Then?

- Aren't we future husband and wife?
- Yes.

- So can I kiss my would-be husband?
- Yes.

- Yes?
- Yes".

Stop making that piggy face, baby.

That Pakistani officer
is in your backyard.

Look there"

Allah such a long kiss.

- Mr. Habibi.
- You, here?

Allah's very benevolent"

and so his disciple's
perched up on your wall.

And you know, Indians and Pakistanis"

have always existed
next to each other.

- What?
- I mean, we're neighbors on the world map.

"As well in London/UK.

So they don't let us stay in peace
at home or out here.

Of course.
What did he say, lady?

See you tomorrow, sir.

Huh surgical?

No-no I meant tomorrow.

My heart's on that side"

"but my eyes are on this side.

Sham marriage, huh.

- No, sir we love each other!
- We love each other!

Good bye.

So finally you're
getting married, huh?

She's really hot.

Does it feel weird?

I didn't have a choice.

I've been working for almost four
years in this country on working visa.

As soon as my visa expires,
these Brits will send me back.

I want to settle down in this country.

I had no choice.

Where are you getting married?

- I mean will it be at the registrar's office, or.
- Of course not.

The wedding procession will arrive
at my first father PK Patel's house.

And I'll be sent off from
my second father OK Panel's house.

And both my mothers'
will dance will joy.

Anaya listen.

I am sorry.
You know I didn't mean to hurt you.

Why say such things
in the first place?

It's just gonna be me,
him, and the two of you.

Parents are dead I
can't invite my uncle Kughi.

So who else is going to show up?

Where do I get real
guests for my fake wedding?

Buddy, you don't know
anything about guests.

Guests are a peculiar breed.

It's like this Guest are like God.

That's why it's said
'Guests are equivalent to God'

Understand.

"Turn around."

"He looks so innocent and naive."

"But when the sun goes
down he shows his true color."

"No matter what limits he crosses."

"there's nothing you can say."

"And he'll make you
dance to his tunes."

"Doesn't matter if
he's local or from abroad."

"Once he arrives,
you can expect no rest."

"He's gonna stay
as long as he insists."

"You built a world of dreams."

"But he put up a mosquito net."

"You wished for a sensation."

"But he ruined your chances."

"Guest in London."

"Guest in London."

"Guest in London."

"Here comes the guest."

"Who invited them over."

Aryan, some old guy stuck his
umbrella in the escalator.

Who could be that stupid?

Guddi come on, quickly.

I am scared.

These stairs will start turning again.

No, it won't,
I've stuck my umbrella in it. Come on.

Sir, I am warning you,
take out the umbrella.

Just hold on what's the problem?
Come on.

What is this mess"
I can't do it.

Come on, it's absolutely safe.

"Come up on the roof, beloved."

- Sir, take the umbrella out now.
- Let it be.

"On the roof."

He's your man?

But I don't know this man.

Well, he knows you.
He says he's your cha-cha-cha.

Sir, ask him to remove the umbrella
or I am calling the police.

- No-no, no, please.
- Now.

Wait.

"Come up on the roof, beloved."

"Come up on the roof, beloved."

"Come down if you want to meet me"

"or don't show your face again."

Come on come, Guddi.

Excuse me, uncle.

Kake.

'Kake. .'

- Kake?
- What happened?

- Guddi.
- Yeah.

Look it's Kaka.

Oh my, God. He's all grown up now.

Last we saw him, he was only this big.

- What are you staring at?
- It's your aunty.

- Guddi Aunty.
- Kake.

Guddi's grown old.

- Guddi aunty.
- Yes. Yes".

No who are you,
and what are you doing here?

Didn't you recognize me?

Gag Gangasharan Gandotra.

Gag still don't recognize me?

Where's the problem, son?

Remember Kughi uncle, from Bhatinda?

- Yes, Kughi uncle.
- So Kughi uncle had a neighbor.

- He did.
- That neighbor had a wife. Bobby.

Remember now? Bobby?
She was beautiful, fair complexion.

The neighbors used to
call her 'Malai' (CREAM). Malai.

The laundryman lived right in front.

- Kanar Singh.
- Kanar Singh. Guddi remembers.

Kanar Singh swooped away the cream.

He eloped with 'Malai'.

- We're the paying guests.
- Yes".

- Kartar Singh's?
- No, Malai's.

We're Malai's paying guests.

Kughi uncle's neighbor's
paying guests?

Now he remembers us.

Like I said" Indians
never forget their roots.

Come, son come. Bless you, son.

- Bless you, son.
- Careful".

This is your last chance.

- Ask him to remove the umbrella now.
- Yeah.

Uncle can you please
remove the umbrella?

There you go.

- See.
- I've no plans of staying here for the rest of the day.

But how am I supposed
to come up now?

You don't need to anymore.
We're coming down.

Pick up the luggage and follow me.

- Where?
- Home.

- Home?
- Yes".

Kughi insisted that
if we go to London

we must pay Kake a visit.

So here we are.

I am really happy. Come here.

So all okay?

Any problems in London?

Not yet.

Okay. Come.

Yes, Kughi uncle. They are with me.

Sorry I couldn't answer your call.

No, after all,
they are your neighbor's tenants, 50.

"It's my duty to take care of them.

- I touched their feet.
- No, son, you forgot.

You forgot" go on.

Guddi, give him your foot.

You've two so give him one.

Bless you, son.

I did now.

No, no problem at all.

It's only for a few days.

Yes l'll call you back.

Sorry, son.
He's suffering from indigestion.

You

I've told you a thousand times,
I can't digest horseradish anymore.

- So all okay?
- Leave it.

Tell me, everything's okay?

Good Lord.

We're here finally.

Kake, it's a beautiful place.

- Kake, is there a bar around here?
- Bar?

- Yes.
- Stop it.

- Come inside, uncle.
- Come.

Kake, listen.

Look, son,
we don't want to be a burden on you.

We'll stay at a hotel if you like.

- Right.
- Of course.

We don't want to trouble you, son.

Yes".

What are you saying, uncle?

It's no trouble at all.
You're not strangers.

- This is your home too.
- Bless you, son.

But if you insist on staying in
a hotel then I can't stop you.

Who says you can't?

I'll slap you across that face, you.

We're your uncle and aunt
after all not some strangers.

- You've every right to stop us. Right, Guddi?
- Yes.

Rightfully".

Ask us to stay and
see whether do or not.

Go on. Stop us.

- Please stay, uncle.
- We'll stay.

We'll stay.

Such a trivial thing.

We Punjabis have a huge heart, son.

Always bickering nonsense.
Come, son. We'll stay with you.

- We're not going anywhere.
- Come on.

This is your bedroom.

Son the room's too small.

What?

- Even the closets bigger.
- Yes.

That's how it is out here.

- Let it be.
- You let it be, son. I'll manage.

This is a woman's job.

- Those are unwashed.
- l'll wash them in the bathroom.

Such tiny rooms.

But really soft".

It's nothing go back to sleep.

My back's all stiff.

So all okay?

Aryan.

- Aryan?
- Where's the problem?

Aryan.

- Aryan. Aryan.
- What are you doing here?

- I thought you'll be coming in late.
- Not important.

There's a man in my bedroom,
and he just".

Guddi aunty.

- Can you explain this?
- What?

Your uncle's neighbor's tenants.

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

But what are they doing in your house?

This is normal.

Guests and pests always
come uninvited in India.

But you don't even know them.

Listen to me

I've seen them when
I was a kid maybe.

But Kughi uncle does.

Please, Anaya,
I cannot upset Kughi uncle.

You don't have to lift a finger.

I'll sleep in the living room
and they will sleep in my bedroom.

Please, Anaya.

They are innocent elderly people.
It's only for a couple of days".

Maybe do some sightseeing
around London and then leave.

- Where's the problem, Guddi?
- Let it be.

Do you really think
that girl is Kake's wife?

- I think there's a thief in the house.
- What?

Look behind you
without turning around.

- Without turning around?
- Yes".

- See?
- Yes.

- Call Kake.
- We don't need Kake, I am right here.

Allah, be kind and
cure the doubts in my mind.

This silence is
speaking volumes to me.

Get away mister, this is personal.

To hell with your personal matter.

Thieves"
- Bloody thief".

- Don't let him go.
- How dare you steal?

Get lost. Get lost.

Careful don't kill the rascal.

Why you Close that door.
Close that door!

- Right away.
- Thieves.

Looking to sneak in the house?

- Let's see you try.
- No, no.

- There's another door, lady.
- Close that door too.

- I'll close it.
- He will escape from there.

- Damn! You.
- This isn't fair! This isn't fair!

But I still have the wall.

Damn! You.

Help me, Allah!
Help me, Father!

Help me, mother!

Help! Help!

My husband, what happened?

Who is she?

The apple of my eye,
my cupcake she's my wife.

Huh such a beautiful wife?

- Bloody wife-stealer.
- No-no-no.

- Uncle.
- No, uncle.

- Uncle.
- Uncle No, uncle.

Call the cops. Call the cops.

No, no, don't call the cops.

Don't worry, we'll handle this.

Don't worry, we'll handle this.
You.

Ceasefire. Ceasefire.

- For God's sake have mercy.
- Why?

We're their neighbors.

- Are they your neighbors?
- Neighbors.

- They live in the house in front.
- Our neighbors.

- Are you their neighbor?
- I am.

And you were trying to sneak in?

- Are you Pakistani?
- Allah, how do you know?

Your actions say everything.

Come on.

- Come inside, let's have some tea.
- No.

Indians first give you
a wound and then cure it.

- Come on. You are neighbor.
- Come on, have a tea.

- We're neighbors after all.
- Come on.

So all okay.

Allah.

And who is this?

- Name?
- Haroon Habibullah.

We call him Harry.

No, Harry. Haroon.

Haroon's another name for Allah.

I'll call him Haroon.

Who are you two?

They are my uncle and aunty,
from India.

Uncle-Aunty from India.

You must be here
to attend the wedding.

Whose wedding?

Their wedding?

Kake this isn't right.

Guddi they are getting married

and we find out from
this Pakistani infiltrator.

- So they have no clue about your wedding plans.
- What?

Did you tell them about your wedding?

Why tell them" now?

I mean we wanted to
surprise uncle and aunty.

Uncle-aunty we're getting
married in 10 days.

Does Kughi know?

- No.
- Huh!

Yes" but he can't be here.

Oh yes" his operation.

What for?

That's okay, we're here now.

Such a beautiful girl.

Give her your blessings.

- I can't give her my blessings.
- Why?

- Ask her to wear some clothes?
- What?

But she is wearing clothes.

Ask her to dress properly, son.

Blessings don't work when
you're wearing such tiny clothes.

- What?
- Scatters.

Yes
Anaya, please wear that dress once.

It's the entire set.

One for the blessings.
For the blessings, uncle.

No.

- You just come upstairs, I'll show you.
- We'll be right back, uncle.

Guddi, make some tea
for this Pakistani son.

Since when did I become your son?

Look, bro lndia and Pakistan
are like father and son.

I'll make some tea
and something sweet too.

- You can't make tea.
- Why?

- We don't have any milk.
- So where's the problem?

- Guddi borrow some milk from the neighbors.
- Yes.

- We don't have sugar either.
- You're really unbelievable.

Do you have any neighbors?

I wear what I like.

And I will wear what I like.

Anaya Anaya.

Even I like what you wear.
And there's nothing wrong with it.

But they are old fashioned people

and Indian daughter-in-law's don't
dress like this in front of their in-laws.

Daughter-in-law?
Daughter-in-law who?

Whose daughter-in-law?

Listen, dude, don't take
this marriage too seriously.

I am not taking it seriously.

I never even told
uncle and aunty about it.

It was that Habibi.

But this is good for us.

Thanks to uncle and aunty, everyone
thinks we're really getting married.

We'll have to put up an act for them.

Act.

This is a bit too much.
In fact, this is over acting, Aryan.

Anaya, at least wear something decent.

What's wrong with you?

We've guests downstairs.

Guests?

Uncle and aunty have
invited some people to tea.

The entire neighborhood.

She's looking so cute.

If you ever wear such tiny clothes
again uncle will leave forever.

- Promise?
- Huh.

Promise she will never
wear such small clothes again.

- Isn't it?
- Yeah.

Come on. Come. Bless you.

Guddi bless her.

See.

"Water in government taps
can be unexpected"

"but her tears are always on time."

Sometimes the neighbors
come along with their buckets"

"saying,
please don't stop crying Guddi.

We haven't finished
washing our clothes.

Be quiet.

- Come.
- Come, dear.

Come.

Now take everyone's blessings.
This here is Mr. Mehta.

Take his blessings.

Hurry up, son.
Elders don't have much time.

- Come on.
- Bless you, son. Bless you two.

- And you are?
- Myself Bony Sing.

And this is my wife Pony Singh.

Take Pony and Bony's
blessings as well.

Take blessings
from everyone who has a pair of feet.

And everyone who has a pair
of hands will bless these two.

Quickly. Quickly.

Give blessings.

The Wedding's after 10 days.
Everyone's invited.

Marriage party-

After 10 days marriage celebration.

Come and have a blast.

Snacks for everyone.

Wow.

Smells like I'm in Punjab.

This is pure ghee.

Take all you can.

He made it with his own two hands.

We're going to get along really well.

Mr. Mehta one needs to get into
the mood to make this long lasting.

- Yeah.
- That's true.

- Pony loves Patiala.
- I love Bhatinda.

Uncle, he meant 'Patiala' peg.

Bhatinda's the entire bottle.

Guddi.

Get the duty
free bottle from upstairs.

Kake, get some glasses
for everyone. Go on.

Listen, dear.

Dice some cucumbers, radish,
carrots and get them for us.

- Anything else?
- Some fritters as well.

- Fritters too.
- And some cottage cheese.

Yes cottage cheese and fritters.

Aren't you forgetting
the munchies, uncle?

Munchies are important, you fool.

How can you ever enjoy
a drink without the munchies?

Go get some.

- And what do you want?
- Kashmir.

He's so funny.

Your uncle's a great guy.
Really great.

If you really like him so much,
you keep him.

He's not that great.

But uncle's a blessing
in disguise for you.

These days the UK Government is taking
strict actions against sham marriages.

Here.

And thanks to uncle

that Pakistani cop now believes that
you two are actually getting married.

In fact,
I think you should insist that"

- "they stay until your wedding.
- What?

You do tolerate our Boss Kaalia.

At least they are much better.

Missed me, guys.

- How are you doing, Louie?
- Welcome back from China, K.

Missed you.

Big T, guys. Big T-

Thanks.

You know today is a big day for SD.

Soft Dogs.

You know why?

It's because we got
the project from China.

And Aryan, you.

You have to be ready
with the presentation.

Thank you so much, sir.

You know, if you want to be in 'L'

you have to be like 'K',
only then you can be a 'C'.

- Sir, L for?
- London.

- And K for?
- Kangaroo.

Kaalia.
And of course, C is.

- Chu.
- Champion.

Congratulations A, I heard
you're getting married to a 'BIB'.

British-Indian Babe.

- Yes, sir.
- Very good.

It will give you a life-long stay,
in the UK.

The United Kingdom.

You're getting it.

Hello 7000 pounds
is not a small amount.

Sherry is right,
you need to buy the house.

How long do you plan
to sleep in your taxi?

Wow.

Amazing!

Guys, this is IPG

Indian-Punjabi Gobi (CURRY).

- Did aunt make this curry?
- No, sir.

Uncle made this curry.

Too good, man. Too good.

Stop eating. Stop eating.

I want to know one thing.

How can any man make
such delicious curry?

- Really?
- Yeah.

Hold this.

Is he a man what is he?

- He's a guest.
- Very good.

Then make him my guest as well.

I would like to meet
this miraculous guest.

Boss your guest is
going to come really handy.

- Kidney beans at night.
- Do you really like it?

Or are you eating for the sake of it?

Aunty, it's absolutely delicious.

- Isn't it, Aryan?
- It's really nice.

In fact, you should learn
a few things from aunty as well.

I am not some MasterChef.

You're even better.

But then you must
stay a few more days.

But where are they going?

We're guests after all.
We can't stay for too long.

Aunty, did you really
call yourself guests?

Uncle, are you listening
to what Aunty's saying?

She's right"
- No.

If you two leave, who's going
to dance at our wedding?

But, dear.

Uncle, wouldn't you have
stayed if it was your son's wedding?

Kake you just won our hearts.

See, water in government
taps can be unexpected"

"but her tears are always on time.

Sometimes the neighbors
come along with their buckets"

"saying,
please don't stop crying Guddi.

We haven't finished
washing our clothes.

Leave it now.

Don't worry, son. We won't
leave until you two don't settle down.

Well, I am done.

I'll see you.

Kidney beans for dinner
You know I can't digest them.

You're just".

- He's not feeling well.
- It's okay, aunty.

It's natural.

Yes. . gas".

See.

Even after staying in London
their values haven't changed.

Elder's fan is like
blessings for the children.

I'll go spread some
in the neighborhood.

I am sorry,
Anaya, that my uncle and aunt"

I hate the way you
take off your shoes.

Sorry l'll keep that in mind.

I hate the way you tie your pajamas.

Surly.

And I hate the way you sleep.

You won't sleep here.

Then?

Upstairs, in the bedroom.

What?

What!

What will uncle and aunty think?

We're getting married in a couple
of days and this is how we sleep.

We must put up an act for them.

My thoughts exactly.

Then I thought what will you think

but then I thought
there's no point in thinking.

Anaya and me in the same bedroom.

On the same bed.

Uncle-aunty l love you too much.

- Uncle, you?
- Yes, me.

Where's Anaya?

She isn't here.

You see, dear,
your uncle's a bit old-fashioned.

The girl and boy sleeping in
the same bedroom before the wedding.

"Makes him feel really odd.

I see".

But the girl and her aunt
sleeping in the same room is fine.

Of course, they can.

You know, even after
four years of our marriage

l used to sleep
with my mother-in-law.

And he would sleep with his father.

- That's great.
- Then.

So all okay?

Can't sleep?

But I can.

What are you doing, aunty?

- Tying your feet with me.
- But why?

- Ouch.
- I walk in my sleep.

If I stand walking in my sleep,
you can stop me.

It's your uncle's idea,
isn't it great.

Now sleep.

'Didn't I say he'll come.'

'He'll come '

'He'll come He'll come '

'He'll come '

'Didn't I say he'll come.'

'He'll come '

'Turn around '

"He looks so innocent and naive."

"Like sweet porridge.

"But when the sun goes
down he shows his true color."

"No matter what limits he crosses."

"there's nothing you can say."

"And he'll make you
dance to his tunes."

"Doesn't matter if
he's local or from abroad."

"Once he arrives,
you can expect no rest."

"He's gonna stay
as long as he insists."

"You built a world of dreams."

"But he put up a mosquito net."

"You wished for a sensation."

"But he ruined your chances."

"You built a world of dreams."

"But he put up a mosquito net."

"You wished for a sensation."

"But he ruined your chances."

"Guest in London."

"Guest in London."

"Guest in London."

"Here comes the guest."

"Guest in London."

"Guest in London."

"Guest in London."

"Here comes the guest."

"No matter how hard you try"

"but there's no way out."

"His antics will make
your head's gonna scream."

"Says my heart. say's my mind."

"Who invited them over."

"Says my heart. say's my mind."

"Who invited them over."

"Who invited"

'Oh, Lord. . '

'Oh, Lord. . '

"Who invited them over."

In 15 minutes".

Where did he come from?

Brother Habibi gave him to me.

He's sick,
and his mother's not at home.

You know what, just hold on to him.

I'll ward off the evil eye on him.

- Aunty.
- Hold him. Hold him.

- Come, dear. It will only take a minute.
- Aunty, please"

I'm really getting late,
please understand.

Dear it won't take long.
Just a minute.

- What are you doing?
- Warding off any evil eye.

Hold his straight properly now.

It's done, it's done.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

- What happened?
- Oh, God.

- He just peed on me.
- No, dear. He took a crap.

No, he peed all over me. Look there.

No, dear.
Look at his back. He took a crap.

Yuck.

You knew he was going to take a crap.

Of course. That's why
I warded off evil eye on him.

It's okay, dear.

Soon you'll be a mother too.

- What?
- Give him to me.

Come, my child. Come on.

Yuck.

In India, children are
considered as an image of God.

And their pee is like blessings.

So take it as a blessing and enjoy.

I see you can take the blessings,
I don't want it.

She made that kid sh” on me.

He sodded over my brand new dress.

I am still stinking.

What will you do when
your kid pees on you?

Why on me? Why can't he pee on you?

It's the mother's job
to take care of the kids.

What about the father?
What's he going to do?

He's going to beat them up.

- Hey, don't you dare hit my kids.
- I will.

In fact, I'll strip off their clothes
first and give them a whacking.

Let's see you try.

- Take your hands off.
- Hello.

Where did children
come in all of this?

You two are having a fake marriage,
not a real one.

Who keeps inviting her?

Look Aryan, if you two keep fighting"

we'll have to actually
get you two married.

Only three more days to
go hold your horses, please.

I am sorry.

It's okay. I am sorry too.

So let's meet after 2 days
after the registrar's office.

Pam mi. . sounds good.

But the marriage won't take
place at the registrar's office"

"but at the 'Gurudwara' (SIKH TEMPLE).

That's what uncle and aunty want.

You and your uncle-aunty

I swear to God, Aryan

I am so sick of you.

[PUNJABI RELIGIOUS CHANTS]

[PUNJABI RELIGIOUS CHANTS]

[PUNJABI RELIGIOUS CHANTS]

[PUNJABI RELIGIOUS CHANTS]

[PUNJABI RELIGIOUS CHANTS]

[PUNJABI RELIGIOUS CHANTS]

[PUNJABI RELIGIOUS CHANTS]

[PUNJABI RELIGIOUS CHANTS]

[PUNJABI RELIGIOUS CHANTS]

[PUNJABI RELIGIOUS CHANTS]

[PUNJABI RELIGIOUS CHANTS]

[PUNJABI RELIGIOUS CHANTS]

"Decked with colorful bangles."

"your body glows beautifully."

"I've no words to praise"

"cause you look
like the morning rays."

"You've got an awesome waist, baby."

"Shake it all the way,
cause you can, baby."

"Rings decked around your fingers."

"and the sari tucked away tightly."

"When you shake a leg, sweetheart."

"my heart's skips a beat."

"But I wanna say."

"She dances okay-okay."

"And even she dances okay-okay."

"But you look different,
baby l swear."

"Frankly you dance like a cutie."

"Frankly you dance like a cutie."

"You're the one for me."

"Frankly you dance like a cutie."

"Frankly you dance like a cutie."

"Decked with colorful bangles."

"your body glows beautifully."

"I've no words to praise"

"cause you look
like the morning rays."

"My eyes are laden with kohl."

"Even the earrings in
my earrings dangle perfectly."

"You look like fire,
like a live wire."

"You're completely
stunning from head to toe."

"But I wanna say."

"Her smile's okay-okay."

"And even her smile's okay-okay."

"But you look different,
baby l swear."

"Frankly you dance like a cutie."

"Frankly you dance like a cutie."

"You're the one for me."

"Frankly you dance like a cutie."

"Frankly you dance like a cutie."

"Decked with colorful bangles."

"your body glows beautifully."

"I've no words to praise"

"cause you look
like the morning rays."

Now this is your home too".

And you're its good fortune.

It's a big mistake.

- This is completely wrong.
- What happened, uncle?

Kake, you made a big
mistake by getting married.

Big mistake.

No-no-no he's absolutely right.

Marriage is a waste of time and money.

So true Give me a hug.

Give me a hug. Give me a hug.

Mister are from the
bride's side or the groom?

He's my boss.

Boss boss Boss you're so true.

But you made a big
mistake by getting married.

You shouldn't have gotten married.

Come on.

L did all this.

Looks nice?

You know, when I got married we
didn't even have a proper bed.

Just a crib.

Do you know what's a crib?

- Cot" Cot.
- Yeah.

So it broke as soon as he sat on it.

And we spent the entire
night on the floor, talking.

Dear.

You can think of a thousand
excuses for not staying together.

But just one for staying together.

Do you know what?

Love.

Son stop drinking like the Brits.

Drink like a Punjabi.

Bottoms up.

Mr. Mehta, he means bottoms up.

Okay, okay".

Right, uncle.

Tonight we're going
to drink with bottoms up.

123

It's a big mess.

Kake made a big mistake
getting married.

I agree, uncle. I agree.

Come here, come here.

Tell me something.

Are you the tent
guy or the music band?

He's the boss.

I know who's what?

You think I am drunk.

Am I drunk?

I am drunk.

Surly.

Uncle forced me.

I will sleep outside then.

You should've been there downstairs.

We were really having a blast".

Everything's so nice.

Is it real? It's real.

It's so real.

Even the wedding was real.

As were you.

Your eyes".

And your words.

Your lips are real and so are you.

You' re completely real.

But the truth is

no one knows what
the truth actually is.

Honestly even I don't
know what's the truth.

Because there's no truth.

Except for one thing".

I really like you.

I honestly do.

I wish this relation was real.

That would've been so nice.

- Good morning, uncle.
- Good morning, Kake.

Guddi he's awake. Make him some tea,
and breakfast for me.

Yes, right away.

The aroma's really nice.

Do you know what it is?

Aunty made sweet-porridge.

That definitely smells
like smell-porridge, son"

"but, I didn't make it.

Bring it.

I don't know how to make it,
aunt taught me.

I apologize if it
didn't turn out good.

It's very good.

What is this?

You call this porridge.

It's nectar. It's nectar.

You really scared her.

It's really good.

Reminds me of my mom.

Come, dear. Come on. Come here.

Go on, dear.

- Do you need something, uncle?
- No, dear.

When the daughter-in-law
cooks something.

for the first time,
without burning it.

It's a tradition to give her a token.

Okay.

Uncle, rupees don't work here,
only Pounds.

Shut up, idiot.

This is a token of my love.
It's accepted everywhere.

Come on.

Bless you.

But this is made of gold.

So what's Guddi going to do with gold?

It's time for her to sleep.

Finish your porridge.

- I'll get some more.
- Don't finish all of it.

Wait, let me serve you.

'Now this is your
home and your fortune.'

Do you know what
this bridge is called?

London Bridge.

I thought so too.

Later I found out that
this is actually Tower Bridge.

After mom and dad got
divorced dad left me with mom.

And married someone else.

Later, mom got married again too.

But she couldn't leave
me with anyone else.

So she just left me.

I was 17.

Since then l worked
in restaurants, studied"

drove a cab.

And then I met you.

Marry you for the money and
then go our separate ways.

I thought life was all about
going our own separate ways.

But after living with you I realized

that life is about staying together.

Why can't we live together forever?

"You're the one it yearns for."

"And beats just for you."

"My heart."

"My heart."

"My heart."

"Trying to find it's sky,
and earth in you."

"Loves you so much."

"But doesn't know how to say."

"My heart."

"My heart."

"My heart."

"O, beloved. "O, beloved. "O beloved."

"O, beloved. "O, beloved. "O beloved."

"O, beloved. "O, beloved. "O beloved."

"O, beloved.
"O, beloved. "O, beloved."

"Try to feel me"

"l dwell somewhere inside you."

"I'm where your heart beats."

"My journey begins and ends with you."

"The moments I've
been looking for you"

"were always with you."

"Trying to find it's sky,
and earth in you."

"Loves you so much."

"But doesn't know how to say."

"My heart."

"My heart."

"My heart."

- Today is a VIP day.
- Sir.

This presentation isn't
just important for you.

"But for Soft Dogs too.

- Louie.
- Yes, sir

I don't want any D's, C's, or any M's.

- No disturbances, no Calls or.
- Meetings.

Kaalia sir.

Greetings my good man.

- Uncle.
- Greetings Kaalia sir.

- Uncle.
- Hello

I'm sorry, sir.
This man's unstoppable.

It's alright.

Uncle, what brings you here?

Actually,
son, I was getting bored at home.

So I thought I'll come down
here and chit-chat with Kaalia sir.

So all fine?

- Every-thing's fine, uncle.
- Okay.

Guys, this is uncle.

Wonderful man.
Full of humor. Full of culture.

Tomorrow in the office party,
uncle's going to be our SG.

Our special guest.

- Uncle, you must attend the party.
- Of course, I will.

Kaalia sir,
you have a really nice office.

You haven't spared any expenses.

After all,
it's the company's office, uncle.

Which company?

The company we work for.

SD Soft Dog.

Soft Dog.

Only licks and never barks. Soft Dog.

Yes, Soft Dog.

Uncle, this is my team.

We design software.

It's a really huge time, Kaalia sir.

They work really hard.

What do you do?

What do you do?

Uncle, I am the boss"
- But what do you do?

Uncle, I am the boss.

To hell with the boss"
what's your job? Your job?

I am the boss" - We're getting
late for the presentation.

We should go.

- What happened? What happened?
- Uncle, I am in a bit of a hurry.

So where's the problem?

I'm in no hurry. Go on. Go on.

Okay.

- Louie.
- Yeah.

Please take care of uncle.

- He's special, just like you.
- Okay.

- Okay, uncle, see you.
- Yes".

- Chinese?
- Yeah, China.

Forget it.

- So is everything okay?
- Whore?

- Did you call me a whore?
- Yes.

You are the whore!

First, you tell me what's up, then me.

I am not a whore.

What on earth are you talking about?

I am decent girl.

You are too much.

Odd no one even offered
to get me a glass of water.

It's not even connected.

- I am really pissed.
- Sir, I can understand.

What do you mean you understand?

- This is bad work.
- Sir.

Kaalia sir, is everything okay?

Of course. Every-thing's fine.

Drink some water.

- Drink some water and calm down.
- Yes.

A you have to understand.

The company is called Soft Dogs.

Don't be a soft dog. Alright.

K is L and L is K.

No.

Someone disconnect the thing.

He's getting electrocuted.

- Call 999.
- Call now.

Forget 999 and use formula no. 44.

- Take it.
- No, no.

- Take it.
- He's my boss, how can I hit him?

Hit him or he'll die.

Sir.

- Boss is everything fine?
- Yeah.

Can someone explain what happened?

That dispenser is broken why
did you take water from it?

That's why it was disconnected.

Which fool connected it back again?

Which fool.

Boss!

Kake is he dead?

You're sleeping and
keeping me awake too.

I made a big mistake, Guddi.
In fact, I committed a sin.

I almost turned that
great guy into a barbecue.

I can't sleep until
I don't apologize to him.

Look you didn't do it intentionally.

But it was my mistake.
If I hadn't connected the wire

then he would've never
been in such a predicament.

No-no l can't sleep.

Are you planning to
apologize at midnight?

I will go apologize
to him at midnight!

You've lost your mind.

Won't it be morning again?

Then you can go and say sorry.

Guddi that's more like it.

You're so brilliant.

The boss has invited
me to his {any tomorrow.

Special Guest.

At the party,
I'll especially say sorry to him.

Please-please, come-come-come.
You're already late.

Please, go.

- Marsh, take care of the guests.
- Yes, sir.

Mr. Kaalia. How are you?

I heard you got electrocuted
at your office yesterday.

Hello.

No-no-no some fool
connected the wire.

If I find him, I will not spare him.

- Won't leave him.
- Kaalia sir. Kaalia sir.

- Greetings, sir.
- Uncle.

Welcome. Welcome. Welcome. Welcome.

- This is for you.
- Oh thank you.

No thank you In fact,
Kaalia sir, please forgive me.

I am sorry.
I am very-very sorry, sir.

What for, uncle?

It's because were late.

So uncle's apologizing for the delay.

That's why, uncle.

Uncle is feeling very guilty.

Amazing, uncle. Amazing.

Ladies and Gentlemen:
this is uncle from India.

Amazing man. Full of culture.

In fact he is India.

All that is fine.

It's fine, but, please forgive me.

I am really embarrassed.

- I am really sorry.
- Okay, uncle, okay. I forgive you.

Happy?

Alright. Aryan, why don't
you get some drinks for uncle?

Please take care of him.

I'll see you in a bit,
it's really important.

But listen to me.

- You.
- Boss has already forgiven you.

Are you happy now?

He forgave me,
but he doesn't know what for.

- Nice dress.
- Thank you.

Well, you can thank
me in a better way.

I don't understand.

Louie, you're old
enough to understand.

Uncle do you need anything?

Forgive me.

I am sorry, boss. I am really sorry.

I already have, uncle.
I've forgiven you.

No, boss, you don't get it.
I am sorry.

I've forgiven you, uncle.
Please go enjoy the party.

You don't get it.

Forgive me, I am sorry.

I get it, uncle.
Please forgive me.

No you forgive me.
I can't forgive.

Try to understand,
uncle l am talking to Louie.

Louie isn't here.

You should go too and spare me.

Boss.

He's getting on my
nerves with is apologies.

That bloody lndian.

It's natural.

Couple of beers down,
and you've to answer nature's call.

Keep doing it,
boss don't try to stop it.

Let it flow.

If you try to stop
it you'll get kidney stones.

Uncle why are you bothering me?

- Please, just forgive me.
- No-no-no, boss.

You must forgive me.

I am really embarrassed
about yesterday.

Please forgive me.

- What should I forgive you for, uncle?
- You see".

Yesterday when you turned
the tap of the water machine.

Uncle Just just.

- Just a minute.
- I'll do it.

Just a minute.
Just a minute, Kaalia sir.

Wet pants and unbridled
youth causes embarrassment.

Understand.

Oh-oh l am so sorry.

I am just cleaning him up.

Enjoy yourself.

No-no-no-no! No-no-no-no, Marsh,
that not what you think this is.

What are you doing, Uncle?

Marsh, listen,
this is not what you think.

Boss, your pants are still wet.

Aryan, I need to speak to you.

Yes, boss.

Please handle your uncle.

He's getting on my
nerves with his sorry.

He's after me. He will make me mad.

- I am very sorry, sir.
- We're very-very sorry, sir.

No.
No sorry" No!

No sorry"
yes, sorry" I am sorry too.

- No one's going to say sorry now. Get it.
- Yes.

- No one. And handle your uncle.
- Yes.

Okay.

I am sorry.

I am sorry from the
depths of my heart.

Really sorry.

- Uncle.
- I am really embarrassed.

Uncle, what have I ever done to you?

Sorry"
- Someone handle.

Boss"
- Uncle.

Boss"
- Where are you going?

What is this nonsense?

- What do you want to do?
- I made a mistake, Guddi.

And I must apologize.

You haven't done anything, uncle.

I made a big mistake, dear.

I connected the machine's
wire in the socket.

Not so loud uncle,
someone will hear you.

Please".

- Hi, Aryan.
- Hi, Kevin.

- Meet my wife, Anaya.
- Hi.

- Pleasure.
- My aunt.

- Hello.
- Hello.

And my uncle

Louie

Louie, listen to me.

Louie Louie Louie, listen"
- K, please.

- Why are you going? Come on.
- Please, I am really uncomfortable.

Okay, kiss me. Kiss me.

- Come on.
- Stop it. Please.

- K, you're so drunk.
- Kiss me.

Please stop it.

I am sorry.

I told you l've forgiven you.

- Please get lost.
- This is not for what I did earlier.

This is for now.

And because what you're
doing is not right.

It's wrong. I won't let you do it.
And so I am sorry.

You're trying to explain me.

To hell with your sorry".

Move-move move.

What happened?

Are you alright?

- What happened?
- Are you okay?

Why are you crying?

- Are you alright?
- It's nothing"

- I slipped.
- Slipped.

I slipped.

Aryan how can he just slip?

What happened, K? All good.

Take this old man away.

He has no status to be here

and was flirting with
girls in his drunk condition.

Shameless, fellow".

Oh, God! What are you saying?

Ask him.

Let's go,
I don't want to be here anymore.

Guddi listen to me.
Listen to me.

- I already heard.
- I am talking to him.

Kaalia sir, you're great guy.

"So don't be so cheap.

Doesn't suit you.

Just because she
works at your office"

"doesn't mean she's your property.

You' re forcing her.

If you're man, win her over.

But if you try to force her
it gives a bad name to our country.

It taints her respect.

And she's from China it's
easier to taint her.

Be polite".

Don't be so rude.

When you try to use force,
it's considered as rape.

And I won't let you do that.

Sorry.

That's rubbish. He's lying.

Let's go haven't you
finished saying sorry?

- Let's go.
- Just a minute, Guddi. One minute.

Boss for the last time, I am sorry.

And this is for what I
did earlier and not for this.

I connected that
machine in your office.

And I almost turned you
into a barbecued chicken.

And that's why I wanted to apologize.

But after looking at your actions"
You're not worthy of my apologies.

So I take my apology back.

Okay.

You bas***
- Relax, K!

- Relax.
- Aryan.

- Relax.
- Aryan, move your hand.

- Relax.
- You'll have to pay for this, Aryan.

- Move your hand.
- Aryan.

Aryan. He's not worth our time.

Yes, listen to her.

You'll have to pay for this.
I said move your hand.

- Let's go, Aryan.
- Move your hand!

- Come on.
- Come on.

Don't you get it?

- Let's go, Aryan.
- Come, son.

- Get lost.
- Come, son.

- Get lost.
- Let's go.

Throw them out.

A bunch of freeloaders.

Idiots.

K, you can't do this to me.

I can

Aryan, you're highly
underestimating me.

Quietly sign this resignation letter,
otherwise".

If I fire you, you can
lose your reputation as well.

But what's my fault?

You should've asked
that yourself last night at the party.

When you locked horns
with me for your uncle.

You know that's the problem
with you bloody Indians.

Even after staying in London,
you can never adapt to it.

You've been working
under me for four years.

And that old man showed
up a few days ago.

And you locked horns with me for him.

- I will make sure that old man.
- Let it go, sir.

You won't achieve
anything by cussing him.

Uncle won't stay here forever.
He'll leave in a couple of days.

But my career will be ruined, sir.

Please, sir.

Fine let's do one thing.

I'll tear up this resignation letter.

Go now and throw that old man out.

It's that simple.

Sir, how can I just throw him out?

Why?

How's he related to you?

Is he your father?

If you want to save your job,
then throw the old man out.

Otherwise l'll make sure
you're thrown out of London.

Understand.

I won't let you go. No need.

Where's the problem, Guddi?

I'll go and fix everything.

Look you've already made a big mess.

Please don't make things any worse.

Who says I'll make things worse?
Nonsense.

- I won't let you go.
- What happened?

He's going to Kake's office
again to apologize to that Kaalia.

Oh, God. Uncle last night
you said sorry so many times"

"that, you don't have
to say sorry to him ever again.

- See.
- That's why I want to say sorry.

I am worried about Kake.

- Worried about Kake.
- You don't".

Uncle, if you're so worried about me,
can you do me a favor?

Go on. What do you want me to do?

Will you talk to my boss?

Of course,
I'll apologize over the phone for now.

Later I'll meet him
personally and apologize.

No, you don't have to apologize.

I want you to cuss him in Punjabi.

What? Kaalia.

- Hello.
- Your boss.

- Hello.
- Go on.

Kaalia boss. . everything okay.

- This is uncle speaking.
- Uncle!

I forgot to say few
words in your praise.

- Can I say it now?
- Okay-okay-okay.

Just a second, uncle.

Guys, please get up get up.

Today is a proud day for SD.

The old man who insulted
me in the party yesterday.

He wants to say a
few words in my praise.

I'll put him on speaker.

Yes, uncle. Speak now.

I thought you're a decent guy.

"But, you turned
out to be a backstabber.

People slogged day and night for you.

"But you turned
out to be a hypocrite.

- What?
- I thought you'll give us respect.

But didn't know you'll sc*** us too.

If you've any shame left,
think about the promises you made

you bloody rascal.

Hey.

You're the devil's son,
donkey's nephew.

- The result of your parent's mistake.
- Have you lost your mind?

Bloody lizard's egg,
dog's ghost, you bloody".

- Uncle, I will kill you.
- You bloody, conniving, crafty little".

- Shut, up!
- Bless you!

He quit his job.

No, l.

Anyway, who wants to
keep slogging in a job.

Someday I'll start
my own software company.

I'll do something soon.

I'll definitely do something.

Why quit your job if
you wanted another one?

I didn't quit, they fired me.

Are you regretting it now?

No, but".

I could've handled
the situation better.

What uncle did was right.

But like any typical Indian,
even I butted heads with that Kaalia.

But that's what I love about you.

No, but"
- What but?

Would you still be saying 'but',
if someone had treated me that way?

I would've broken his butt"
- I see.

But I don't believe you.

So don't, but what's in this coffee?

- Viagra.
- Huh!

Well, you don't do anything normally,
I thought maybe this might help.

- You know what.
- What?

- It's working.
- Really.

- What's she doing here?
- What".

- Aunty.
- Aunty.

Aunty.

- Uncle.
- Kake.

Listen, Kake. Did your aunt come here?

There she is.

She was walking in her sleep again.

Guddi.

Guddi.

She's asleep. Let her sleep.

I'll close the door otherwise she
will start walking in her sleep again.

Haroon the pride of Pakistan.

Target Pakistan.

Soon you'll teach your father how
to sneak into your neighbor's home.

So many clothes".

I don't get it.

Brother what's this?

Actually, I brought him here for you.

- Okay?
- His mother, my wife, she's out working.

And you need someone
to take care of Haroon.

- Allah, you're so smart.
- Yes".

This is his pacifier and his bottle.

- And.
- We do have milk.

I am embarrassed.

Haroon.

Father's going out
to get some meat for you.

And we'll have a feast later.

May Allah give you salvation soon.

He's like little Lord Krishna.
Just his complexions bit off.

It's alright.
I'll make you fair today.

First, I'll massage you
properly with oil. And then".

Oh, my child.

Did anyone give Haroon
massage like this?

I wish your mother had
and bathed you properly.

Then even you would've looked
pretty like these foreigners.

I'll bathe you with cream. Isn't it?

See.

See.

Oh my, God. What is she doing?

- Come on.
- No point in crying.

Hello, 999.

Please, there's a
lady outside my house"

and she's killing this baby.

She must be a baby killer.

- See.
- Oh my, God.

- Haroon's getting a massage.
- Oh my, God.

- Stop it.
- Put the baby down.

- Stop it. Stop it.
- Why? What happened?

Freeze.

Stop put the baby down.

Stand back. Stand back.

Give me the baby.

I still have to massage him.

Later I'll bathe him with cream.
Isn't it, Haroon?

Give me the baby.

How can I give you someone's baby?

Don't you have your own kids?

- Can you speak English?
- English?

Yes-yes-yes".

Good morning good evening.

Bye.

Okay, tata".

- Stand back. Stand back.
- What happened?

Give me the baby or I will shoot you.

Oh, God. He'll shoot me.

- Come on, Haroon.
- Don't try to hide.

You're surrounded
by Metropolitan Police.

- But what have I done?
- What is happening?

Give me the baby now.

- Baby killer.
- Baby killer.

- She is trying to kill your baby.
- My baby.

Aunty, they are saying
that you will kill her baby.

- Kill, me.
- Get back. Get back.

Give me the baby or I will shoot.

Shoot this woman, please.

Give me my baby.

- What happened?
- Give me my baby, please.

What happened?
Did West Indies lose a match again?

Brother"
- Haroon.

- Please explain them.
- Yes l give it to her.

- You gave her the baby.
- Yes.

I will kill you.
I will kill you. I will kill you.

- I will kill you.
- Stop it.

- I will shoot you.
- Hey, it's okay.

Kake.

- I will shoot you.
- No-no-no.

Officer, wait.

Stop-stop, don't shoot.
What happened?

She's a baby killer,
she's been trying to kill her baby.

Yes"
- No-no-no.

Aunty, what are they saying?

Dear, I was only giving him
a massage because he was crying.

- Aunty.
- He was crying.

Hold on first give me the baby.

It's very cold. It's cold.

Here's your baby.
Alright. Alright.

The baby's with her.

No baby.

One second. Officer, one second.

One second. I think there's
some sort of confusion.

She was only giving
the baby a massage.

That was an Indian style massage.

- A massage?
- Holding the baby like this?

What does like this mean?

Dear it's good for breathing.

She was doing that because
it helps the baby breathe.

And digest.

It's just an Indian style massage.

You gotta be kidding me.

- Sorry.
- I don't believe it.

- I am sorry.
- Massager.

- Sorry.
- You!

See, see, brother.
He's sleeping so soundly.

Yes, exactly.

- I'll massage him every day.
- No!

No more massages. Let's go home,
and you go to your home.

You go, we come.

Crazy.

Relax aunt only gave him a massage,
not murder the baby.

It was murder.

Who massages the baby like that?

That woman could've sued us.

That's how children
are massaged in Punjab.

And children grow up to be strong.

In fact, you should let
aunty massage your kids too.

Are they going to stay
here until we have kids?

Seems like that.

You know what, did you see my trimmer.

I have to shave.

You're worried about your
trimmer and I can't find my jeans.

I wonder where's my trimmer".

Uncle, what are you
doing with my trimmer?

Cleaning my arm pits.

But it's for shaving.

So I am shaving my underarms.

There we go I am done.

You do it.

What will I do with this now?

Why? Get a shave like me.

No. Uncle do you like it?

Yes"
- Keep it.

You want me to keep it.

- Guddi.
- Yes.

See Guddi.

Kake just gave me an imported gift.

- See.
- Wow, son, thank you.

- Son, here are the clothes?
- Clothes?

Daughter-in-law's jeans were torn.
So I stitched it up.

- Stitched it?
- Yes, dear.

She will be really happy.

See she's jumping with joy.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday Mehta uncle.

- Forget the cake.
- You eat first"

have these sweets instead.

Have sweets.

Have sweets. Here.

Smells like I am in Punjab. Wow.

It's not the fragrance of Punjab.

Uncle's silently farting.

What?

Sorry he's got indigestion.

No need to say sorry. He only farted,
not like he set-off a bomb.

See Guddi, we've inherited
farting from our elders.

Forget it.

Don't feel ashamed if you farted.

Only the ones' who
are alive are farting.

Wow that's unbelievable.

Mr. Mehta,
I've written a few lines on fan.

That's amazing so
what are you waiting for?

Not like this. Such gatherings are
pointless without alcohol.

Uncle, you're absolutely right.

We all need a drink.- Yeah.

- Guddi.
- Yeah.

Get the duty-free bottle.

And Kake

I'll get some cucumbers,
tomatoes, and carrots for you.

Cottage cheese"
Fritters and munchies.

I'll get everything, uncle.

Who will get the glasses, you fool?

What? Who am I? Am I the maid?

Daughter-in-law, slice some carrots.

Daughter-in-law, slice some radish.

I would slice them instead.

Get some fritters.

Can we get some cottage cheese?
How about some munchies?

I hate this daughter-in-law and Kake.

In Punjab,
sons are addressed as Kake

and his wife as daughter-in-law.

I am not their daughter-in-law.

- Daughter-in-law.
- Coming.

"Sometimes it's loud,
and sometimes it's without a sound."

"Sometimes it's loud,
and sometimes it's without a sound."

"Every fan has its own unique style."

'Allah!'

"Sometimes it's like a breeze
and sometimes like a blast."

"Sometimes it's behind closed doors."

"and sometimes it
happens out in the open."

It does it does"
It often happens like that.

"Sometimes silent sometimes violent."

"When a stunning lady farts,
it smells like roses."

- This one's for you, dear.
- For me?

"When a stunning lady farts,
it smells like roses."

"My fan makes people comatose."

"When you fan, it smells rose."

"When she farts brain close."

"It isn't just me the
entire world's farting."

"It isn't just me the
entire world's farting."

"People have always
been free to fart."

"Pappu's farting and so is Tommy."

"Somewhere entire sect's farting while
somewhere a commie's farting too."

"There's no tax on fan,
everyone's farting tax-free."

"Somewhere an entire nation farting."

"America farted on Iraq,
and Osama farted back on America."

"And ruined many homes and families."

"And Pakistan keeps
farting all the time."

"Keeps secretly farting all the time."

"Everyone else' grief's come later,
because our own people fan the most."

"When stars fan, it gets retweeted."

- "They even get likes.
- They even get likes."

"Politicians get a mike to fart."

"They get a mike. They get a mike."

"My fan only burns
the hair in your noses."

"but their fan pierces
right through your soul."

'Allah.'

"Fart has."

"Fart has blown away
the fragrance in relations."

Amazing.

- "Fart has blown away the fragrance in relations.
- Wow".

"Because fathers are
getting born after the sons."

Wow.

Cheers. Cheers. Cheers.

Uncle, you're really amazing.

Where's Mr. Mehta?

Mr. Mehta".

Mr. Mehta passed away.

Passed away?

He died.

- When did this happen?
- He suffered an attack late last night.

And didn't make it.

The maid told us when she
arrived in the morning and saw him.

His children are in Wembley.

This is unbelievable.

'Mr. Mehta, don't laugh so loud.

'Uncle l want to die laughing.'

'So what's the problem Laugh aloud.'

- 'Hey.
- Laugh aloud.'

Where are you taking him?

Get a casket"
We'll give him a proper funeral.

Look at Mr. Mehta.

He's still smiling.

Like he got a heart
attack while hearing a joke.

Excuse me, we're getting late.

Mr. Mehta isn't going anywhere so,
what is he getting late for?

He's dead.

But we've to go to office.

And you are.

He's Mr. Mehta's beloved son.

And his grandson,
the apple of his eye.

And he's his great-grandson,
completely unaware.

But if you go to the office who
will give him perform the final rites.

We can pay-

We've fixed his final
rites for Saturday.

- Saturday. Five days later.
- Yes.

He's busy.

Out here,
funerals are normally on weekends.

It's your father's final rites.

Not some picnic which
you can go for on a weekend.

What's the point of taking an off?

What's the point?

Tell me something.

If you ever fell sick
when you were a kid

l am sure Mr. Mehta
took an off from work.

Didn't he?

So it's your father's final rites.

Can't you take a
one day off from work?

- Manish.
- Yes, dad.

Send the ambulance back.

- We'll perform the final rites today.
- Yes, dad.

That's more like it.

Just like you're giving
your father a proper funeral

l pray that your son performs
your final rites on a weekday.

- What?
- He's trying to say that you're a great guy.

Mr. Mehta was the great guy.

Bony.

- Yes, uncle.
- Come here.

Arrange for a band.

We'll send him away in an airplane.

[ENGLISH RAP SONG]

"Have a feast."

"and drink until you drop."

"You don't need to worry and
dance your sorrows away."

"Don't worry about your next meal."

"About your next meal."

"You'll leave this
world behind someday."

"You'll leave this
world behind someday."

"You'll leave this
world behind someday."

"You'll leave this
world behind someday."

"You were born empty-handed
and you'll die the same way."

"Everyone knows."

"Forget everything else"
and take God's name."

"He's the only truth."

"His divine plays are unique"

"what kind of life is this."

"What is this race"

"where you never
listen to yourself."

"Your eyes are covered with sorrows."

"And forget your kin."

"Don't worry about answering calls."

"You'll leave this
world behind someday."

"You'll leave this
world behind someday."

"You'll leave this
world behind someday."

"You'll leave this
world behind someday."

What happened?

- What happened?
- What are you doing?

Mr. Mehta passed away.
We're taking him to the crematorium.

Dancing like this.

You need permission for this.

Permission.

What the hell is this?

It's Mr. Mehta's airplane.

What does that mean?

Plane. Aircraft.

Have you got a license
to fly this aircraft, sir?

She's asking whether you
have a license to fly this plane.

I don't even have a scooter's license.

He doesn't.

Arrest everybody.

Dead body, not everybody.

Uncle dearest,
they can arrest anybody.

But dead body is nobody.

Arrest them.

It's enough.

First, you lost your job.

Next, you end up in a police station.

Plus, a 500-pound penalty. Fifty pounds.

Aunt's always sleepwalking
into our room.

Uncle is celebrating neighbor's
birthday in our home.

He has a song on fan.

Fart Aryan.

It was a poem.

Doesn't matter it
still smells the same.

This is what happens in Punjab.

Hello, Flying Punjab.

I mean why does he
have to do all this?

- I think he's loving this.
- Exactly! He's loving this.

But we're not loving this.

There's no point in
sitting and worrying, Aryan.

Send them back.

Exactly what I am thinking,
what should I do?

How do I send them back?

We must think of a plan then
put it into action.

"My name Sheila."

"Sheila's killer youth"

"I am too sexy for you"

"you can't lay your hands on me."

"My name Sheila."

"Sheila's killer youth."

- Aryan! I have an idea.
- What?

"L know you want it
but you never gonna get it."

"You can never lay hands on me."

"Believe it or not but the whole
world's crazy about me."

"I feel like slowing
caressing myself."

"I don't need anyone else
when I can love myself."

"What's my name?"

"What's my name?"

"What's my name?"

"My name Sheila."

"Sheila's killer youth"

"I am too sexy for you"

"you can't lay your hands on me."

"No, no no Sheila."

I guess I'm in the wrong home.

"L am too sexy for you"

Anaya.

- That sounds like Kake.
- Anaya.

How dare you turn off the music?

Stop all this right now, Anaya

and take those clothes
off immediately, or else.

Take them off?
She's hardly wearing any.

Clothes"
- Didn't you hear?

How dare you insult my friends?

Would you like to hear more?

I am leaving this house right now!
Come. Terry-Sherry.

- Go, Terry-Sherry.
- Wait, Terry-Sherry. Wait.

What's the matter, son? What is it?

Uncle, please don't interfere.

Anaya, you're still here.

- Go, Terry-Sherry.
- Wait, Terry-Sherry.

Why are you throwing daughter-in-law
out of the house? Tell me.

I'll tell you.

I specifically told her
not to wear such clothes.

Uncle and aunt are
very cultured people.

They will be shocked to see their
daughter-in-law in such skimpy clothes.

They will leave this home for good.

But she doesn't listen.

Look at how badly she's dressed. Yuck.

But son, they are not bad at all.

It's so clean.

In fact, even the girls
look so clean and glowing.

Really?

Uncle, you think
these clothes are fine?

Yes.

But you said if I dress
like this again you'll leave us.

- Did I say it?
- Think, uncle.

You said it on the very first day,
right here.

- I don't remember, son.
- How can you not remember?

Think harder.

- Let me think.
- Please".

Yeah l don't remember. No.

And anyway, I had a change
of heart after staying in London.

Guddi.

What?

Look who's here?
The lioness of Punjab.

Come. Come on.

See Isn't she beautiful?

Your uncle insisted on buying this.

It was on sale near
the Big Ben for 10.

I bought it for 5 instead.

By the way, am I looking nice?

She's embarrassed.

- You're Terry?
- Yes.

- And you're Sherry?
- Yeah.

- Whose whiskey is this?
- Mine.

Mine.

I said it's mine.

Yeah, it was mine, and I drank it.

What?

Anaya

Anaya Anaya!

Listen.

What are you doing?
What are you doing?

Can't you see I am leaving this house?

Not that.
Why are you packing my underwear?

Yours's, here.

- Anaya.
- Why did this guest come here?

Who invited him over?

I don't know who.

Anaya, they come uninvited.

Aryan, please do something or
I'll do something.

Fine, don't cry.

I'll tell them directly that,
I can't take it anymore.

Okay?

Bring it, dear.

By the way,
uncle you remind me of Punjab.

- Is it?
- Yes.

- Don't you miss, Punjab?
- I do, son. Of course, I do.

I see".

Uncle l have a friend in Air India.

He was saying he has
two discounted tickets"

from London to India.

- Practically free.
- Really?

- Yeah.
- Wow.

So he was saying if anyone needs me,
let me know.

- Should I tell him?
- Tell him what, son?

If someone needs free tickets.

I don't know anyone who
wants to go India for free.

- Guddi, do you?
- No.

I'll tell you if I know.

But why go to India?
It's so nice here.

By the way, uncle in lndia.

Actually it's going to
rain pretty heavily in London.

The weather will
get really bad, uncle.

It will rain really heavily.

So where's the problem, son?

We brought our umbrella along.
Right, Guddi?

Yes" in fact I brought two.

One for the rains and
the other ones for the sun.

I am done.

It was fun.

I can't digest these
stuffed bread anymore.

He's got"
- Indigestion.

He's got indigestion, aunty.

Guddi how about some dessert?

Let me check.

- So everything okay?
- Yes, uncle.

- Here you go?
- Guddi where's the problem.

I have a job interview today,
so I'll be back home early.

I won't come home until
uncle and aunt are living there.

- Anaya.
- What Anaya, Aryan.

I didn't marry you so that they
can go sightseeing around London

and drive us crazy.

Anaya, that's not"
- What, Aryan?

Look.

Uncle-aunty?

What are they doing here?

Where are they going, Aryan?

Wait.

- Hello.
- Hello, uncle.

How's your London tour coming about?

It's just amazing.

The bus us taking us around.

I see so you're on a bus.

Guddi. . don't lean down.

Don't lean down,
you'll fall off the bus.

What happened, uncle?

Guddi's trying to lean
down and count the bus' tires.

I see aunt's trying
to count the tires.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello, uncle.

See you in the evening, son.

Why are they lying?

They did it once before.

- Where could they go?
- Don't know.

Aryan.

Aryan, what's going on?

Somethings definitely wrong.
We must find out.

Aryan.

What is all this, Aryan?

Al-Qaida.

What now'?

Al-Qaida has the
same rule for everyone.

Guddi.

[FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

The beautiful girl has made me crazy"

[FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

He's got indigestion.

Guddi

[FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

Anaya.

Allah.

- Why are you screaming?
- What happened?

It's nothing.

Kake, why do you look so scared?

You're back from your sight-seeing?

He's given me a headache.

I must admit one thing about London.

Even the kids here know English.

- Daughter-in-law, come here.
- No.

- Come here.
- Go, go.

Surgical!
Surgical!

It's a fake.

Here you go, daughter-in-law.

It's for you.

Don't you feel like
shooting me sometimes?

You can use this.

And these are for your kids.

But aunty dearest,
they don't have kids.

They will.

Toys keep reminding
you that children are due.

Otherwise, people in London
don't have time to have kids.

Uncle, you're absolutely right.
Absolutely right.

Take me for instance.
We've been in London for six years".

But it's like we've
been hit by a drought.

Only one kid in six years. Haroon.

If we were in Pakistan.

it would've been Afridi,
Aslam, Sohail.

and made an entire
cricket team of 11.

No brother, 13.

Uncle, it's cricket. Only 11 players.

Both your umpires will
play on your side as well.

That's true.

But listen to me.

- Where are you taking us?
- Where's the problem?

- You have to accompany us down to the station.
- Call Kake.

- What happened?
- Guddi l hope you didn't leave the tap open.

- Get in the car, please.
- Someone call Kake.

How did you do that?

I called the police and informed
them that uncle's visa has expired.

How do you know?

I saw uncle's passport.

He only had two month's visa left.

And he's been here
for more than three months.

The police will
automatically send them back.

I'm gonna ask you few questions,
please answer correctly.

Please call our son.

First please answer his questions.

Okay.

- Sir, please tell me your name.
- Gangasharan Gandotra.

- And your name please.
- Shazia Khan.

Can I see your papers?

- Paper?
- Where's your visa and passport?

Can l make a call?

Who would you like to call?

Aryan.

Hey.

Finally, we're free from slavery.

Now, this is our home.

We'll do whatever we
want and wherever we want.

We'll eat in the bathroom,
take a shower in the bedroom.

And make-out in the kitchen.

Kake.

Are you hungry too?

Uncle, you're at home.

I came home early today.

Took a nap because I was tired.

Guddi's still sleeping.

- Do you know what happened today?
- No.

The police arrested me.

- Police?
- The police arrested me.

Some stupid moron
called them and said"

"that our visa has expired.

And we're living her illegal.

And?

They don't know that
we've high connections.

I already got a one-year visa.

- During your wedding.
- What?

Bony Singh, Pony's husband.

He works at the embassy. Yeah.

And this time I asked him
to get me a six month's extension.

You two will have kids too.

Silly Guddi keeps
everything in the fridge.

Look.

Uncle, you went through
so much and didn't call.

We're not strangers"
- We didn't have to.

Bony Singh arrived
immediately and got us out.

See.

- Uncle aunt's name on this is.
- It's Shazia Khan.

She's a Muslim.

But how can you two have
separate surnames after marriage?

I married your aunt Guddi,
not her surname.

I married a human being, not a Muslim.

Would you like to eat something,
daughter-in-law?

No, uncle. We already ate.

Goodnight.

And you, son.

I am not hungry, uncle.

Kake.

Listen.

Is everything okay?

No problems?

Let me know if you ever have one.

- We're family, okay.
- Yes.

- Understood?
- Yes".

Bless you.

- Bless you. Go on.
- Okay, Uncle.

You've been driving
for almost an hour, son.

Where are we going?

Uncle, we're going to Scotland.

There's a big temple out there.
I thought I must take you two there.

So that's the case".

Son, your name should've
been Shravan Kumar instead.

See Guddi.

Now that's a sweet thought,
just like your pickles.

Let it go.

But why pack all our luggage?

And my umbrella as well.

See.

Well, aunty,
it could take a day or two.

So I thought I'll
give you a proper tour.

But son, we must return
to London tomorrow.

- Why, uncle?
- Yes".

Well l.

There's a prayer
meeting in the Gurudwara.

Yes, prayer meet in Gurudwara.

Will we come back?

- Yes, we will.
- Great" great.

[FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

Is uncle at home?

His parcel's arrived.

- What's in it?
- God knows what.

They delivered it at
my address two days ago.

They said they will collect it.
They are leaving tomorrow.

So I thought I'll deliver
it personally, or they might forget.

Where are they?

Kake, are we in Scotland?

No, uncle. I just stopped for coffee.

That's great, son.

Haven't eaten anything
since morning. Come on.

You've been stuffing
your face since morning.

And yet you say you haven't.

I'll try calling him.

- Two coffee, please.
- Just two?

Yeah, just two.

Why don't you eat something too, son?

You haven't eaten
anything since morning.

I am not hungry.

You didn't eat anything
in the car either.

I think you don't like aunt's cooking.

That's not true.

You two have really spoiled us.

I'll really miss you two.

Miss us?

Where are you going?

What happened, son?
Looking for something.

Aunty, I think I left
my phone in the car.

I'll go get it.

Yeah, or someone might steal it.

- Go on.
- Yes.

That boy's too much.

Kake's a nice soul.

- Coffee's here.
- Your coffee.

Only two?

Three my son.

He only ordered two.

Says he only ordered two.

No-no My son coming. Three.

Three coffee.

Sir, he has gone.

Your luggage is there.

He must have gone somewhere around.

He'll be back soon.

- Right?
- Yes.

Excuse me.

Do you need anything?
I am closing for the day.

It's okay " It's okay".

No need to worry, he won't desert us.

Right?

I left them.

- Where?
- Don't know, I just did.

Something is not right, Aryan.

What is all this?

Somethings definitely wrong.

- Aryan, call uncle.
- Yes.

What?

100,000 pounds.

Who deposited 70,00,000
rupees in your account?

This stuff belongs to Ajay.

Ajay Gandotra.

His parents are staying with you.

Yes, uncle and aunty.

How are you related to them?

They were our guests,
came to London for sightseeing.

They didn't come to
London for sightseeing.

They were here to collect
their son's belongings.

Their son, Ajay Gandotra.

IT pass-out.

He used to work in this office.

9/11

He was in New York
on official business.

At the World Trade
Centre during the incident.

They never even recovered the body.

His mother suffered a stroke
hearing the news of his death.

It took her 8 years
to get back on her feet.

His mother wanted to pray
one last time for his son"

"at Ground Zero

where her son died.

They came here three months ago.

My son used to work
in such a huge office.

He was a great guy, great friend.

Great, son.

I was saying is it okay
if we collect his stuff later?

No problem at all.

You see we've a son in London.

I mean he's like a son.

And he's getting married.
So a few days later".

No problem at all.
We'll do as you say.

Yes.

Okay.

They waited 9 years to
collect their son's stuff".

His mother waited 9 years
to pray one last time for him.

And yet, they sacrificed
three more months for you two.

They did come here a few days ago.

'Please do me a favor, son.'

'Have this stuff
sent to this address.'

'Those two got recently married.'

'I don't want to make Aryan
emotional by telling him our story.'

Okay.

Uncle Ajay has an insurance
amount in his name.

100,000 pounds.
Around 7-8 million rupees.

Give me your account number,
and I'll get it transferred.

Our son was priceless.

And this money.

And how can any parents accept
their son's insurance money?

Transfer that money to our
son's account who lives in London.

I'll send you all the details.

Okay.

They were saintly people.

No desires and nothing to lose.

"We've no more desires."

"and nothing to lose."

"O Eminent One."

"O Eminent One."

"Almighty."

"Almighty."

"Almighty."

"Almighty."

"Almighty."

"Says the saint, Hussain."

"Hussain."

"Hussain."

"Says the saint, Hussain."

"My name's Sai"

"you mean everything to mean."

"Only You can make things right again."

"Only You can make things right again."

"Just You."

"Just You."

"Just You."

"Just You."

"Just You."

"Just You."

"Just You."

"Only You can make things right again."

"Only You can make things right again."

"O my Lord."

"O my Lord."

"Only You can make things right again."

"You're the One that binds
us You're the One that bonds us."

"You're the One that binds
us You're the One that bonds us."

"You mean everything to mean."

"You mean everything to mean."

"Only You can make things right again."

I know where we can find them.

"Only You can make things right again."

"Only You can make things right again."

'Guddi Kake on the line.'

- 'Hello, mom.
- Kake '

'Where are you? You don't even call.'

- 'Don't you miss your mother?
- Let it be '

'I am always thinking about you so,
how can I miss you?'

'Liar that's why you don't call.'

'I was busy.'

'lam in America New York.'

'On official business.
Such a beautiful place.'

'Such a rush so many people.'

'If you get lost here,
it's won't be easy to find.'

'I am standing right here.
On the steps.'

'What a beautiful place. What a view.'

'What a life.'

'Stupid fool enjoying the view alone?'

Let it be you've grown old.

But don't worry.
I'll bring you here soon.

We'll have a drink together
and enjoy the view.

You know, mom they say that when
you meet someone at Times Square"

then you definitely
meet him again here.

"You're in me and on the outside."

"You're in me and on the outside."

"You dwell in every inch of me."

Do you know where I am going, mom?

America's tallest building.
World Trade Centre.

In front of me

I'll show you when you come here.

'Hard to say if we'll
ever get to go there.'

'But I want you to come back.'

'It's been really long
since we last saw you.'

Let it be close your eyes and see.

I am right here.

"Only You can make things right again."

"Only You can make things right again."

"Only You can make things right again."

Kaka.

Our son.

Guddi.

Kaka's gone.

He won't come back.

Yes" he's gone.

Our son's gone.

Our son's gone.

- Our son's gone.
- Guddi.

It's our son's name.

What did my son do to deserve this?

He never harmed anyone.

We had only one son.

And the entire day we
would keep taking his name.

He looked just like you, son.

Tall handsome".

He's gone now.

Uncle.

We only came to collect his stuff,
not to trouble you.

I kept telling Guddi
that we should leave.

Kake must be feeling bothered.
But she's a dimwit.

She kept saying we'll leave
only after help them settle down.

We couldn't get our son married.

But when we got you two married

it felt like our
son was getting married.

If we made a mistake,
please forgive us.

No, uncle. In fact, we made a mistake.

We're not used to living with someone.

We couldn't understand
your love and care.

We're like fake dog lovers.

We love humans
like we love our pets.

When we want we let them come close"

and when we don't, we shoo them off.

What about their feelings?

What feelings? He's just a dog.

We treated you the same way.

Once our intentions were fulfilled,
we cast you out on the streets.

We even got married for a reason.

But you two explained
us the right reason.

- We're very sorry.
- No, dear.

We should've understood.

Children are like clay toys.

Hold them hard and they break.

We we held on too hard.

- Please, aunt.
- What are you two saying?

Would you have apologized
if it was your own son?

Would he have let you apologize?

Guddi.

You just won my heart, son.

Our son would've said let it be.

And would've given us a tight hug.

Come on.

"L don't understand anything."

"I am the garbage
lying on the streets."

"Lord l'm seeking your refuge."

"Lord l'm seeking your refuge."

We Indians are so weird.

First, we treat guests like God.

And then find ways to get rid of them.

Kake.

- Uncle.
- Daughter-in-law.

- Aunty.
- Come on.

How do you make such sudden plans?

First, take my blessings.

It wasn't sudden, dear.

As soon as we found out that"

"daughter-in-law is expecting
we couldn't control ourselves.

We booked our tickets three months
ago. We got the cheapest tickets.

I won't leave until I give them
a proper massage and make them strong.

But I'll take them to school.

I'll take them to the park.

- They will play with me.
- But I'll feed them.

Don't just stand there.

We'll tell you the rest at home.

Go, get our luggage.

So everything fine.

Everything fine, uncle.

- Son. Listen.
- Yes, uncle.

We don't want to be a burden on you.

We can stay in some hotel if you like.

- Guddi?
- Right.

We don't want to trouble
you two, children.

It's no trouble at all,
aunty, you're like family.

But if you insist on staying
at a hotel, I can't stop you.

H ow?

I'll slap you. Are we strangers?

You've every right to stop us.

Trying stopping us.
And see whether to stay or not.

Go on.

Go on.

- Please stay, uncle.
- We're staying.

"Your youth's so intoxicating."

"Let's begin this story."

"lam a local boy"

"but I can make the
English queen dance."

"Let's scream and shout."

"Music's loud too."

"My style's totally crazy."

"Baby."

"O beloved."

"O beloved."

"O beloved."

"O beloved."

"Let's mix some love with alcohol."

"Let's mix some love with alcohol"

"you're a closed
bottle of intoxication."

"you're a closed
bottle of intoxication."

"You're a closed
bottle of intoxication."

"You're my destiny. you're my fate."

"With you, life feels complete."

"Get me high on love."

"Let our hearts unite."

"My gorgeous beloved."

"Douse the craving in my eyes."

"Let's mix some love with alcohol."

"Mix semen."

"O beloved."

"O beloved."

"O beloved."

"O beloved."

"Anyone you touch goes out of control,
what to do."

"Your beauty's intoxicating
you've got me trapped."

"Tell me, baby, what to do."