Original subtitles

Unh!

Ugh!

Aah!

Hello, John.

Coming round for tea tonight?

It's chicken pie.

Die!

Congratulations, DI Major.

You shot your grandmother...again.

You've obviously never tried her chicken pie.

I told you these tests were pointless.

Carver, is that you?

The tests are essential.

I've installed a full software update.

If it works, he'll have faster cognition with no more glitches.

Carver, were you in the room just now

when I asked about getting porn on this?

No, but thanks for bringing us up to speed.

I need something to help me relax.

Ouch! Fuck a duck.

They filter the Internet in here.

I'm making my own Photofit images to jerk off too.

I mean, do you have any idea how humiliating that--

Hi. Hello.

These people are members of the AI Ethics Committee.

They're here to observe your new software update.

How do you do?

Don't think anyone wants to shake that now, mate.

We haven't got time to sit here on our fannies.

We've got crimes to solve.

Fannies? You sure about this update?

As you can see, he's making...

excellent progress.

These maps show the locations

of the 3 most recent incidents.

Well, the 3 points form a triangle.

That can't be a coincidence.

Any 3 points form a triangle.

This is the area where the fly-tipping is concentrated.

We need you to get in there--

Fly-tipping?

Wait. We're detective inspectors.

You want us out there to catch litterbugs?

After you cocked up last time, you're lucky you're not standing

in the middle of the road holding a bloody great lollipop.

We should be out there busting meth labs and pedophiles.

- "PEED-o-philes." - That's what I said,

- "PEDD-o-philes." - "PEED-o-philes."

That's what I said, "PEDD-o-philes."

This is your first case, John. I'm breaking you in gently,

and, Carver, you're supposed to be supervising him,

not jumping off bloody carparks.

I'll, uh, make sure he behaves, boss.

Any, uh, progress on the investigation

into my shooting?

You stay well away from that, John.

That's been Gilbert and Ryle's case from day one.

Gilbert and Ryle are crap.

Leave it, leave it.

We'll get you the results on this, boss.

Come on.

One more thing. Carver's right.

3 points always make a triangle.

What's going on, Roy?

I want to know who shot me, and it's like no one cares.

Not Dennett, not Gilbert and Ryle.

I mean, not even you seem-- what's this?

My secret hobby for the last year.

Don't get excited.

I haven't found any answers.

Operation Blue Finch.

Plus everything we know about your shooting--

faces, wheels, known associates.

Everything.

What?

Don't look at me like that. It's weird.

Don't deserve you, buddy.

First you take the rap for the carpark thing,

which was... technically my fault,

and now this.

What else you been taking care of for me?

Kelly.

Hiya. You all right? How you doing?

Yeah, not too bad really--oh, sorry.

You was talking to him.

I didn't realize you were sleeping here.

I thought you had your own place.

I do have my own place, Kelly.

You just won't let me live in it.

What are these? Is it a Photofit image?

- Oh. Um... - What's that?

They're, uh, confidential.

Well, I, um, brought you over your things, so...

You've come to say that we're through?

- Do I need an attorney? - What?

You mean, lawyer? Wha--no.

I--I came here to ask you out for dinner...

because I can't remember t he last time

we had a meal together actually.

OK. Well, it was the night that I got shot.

We had that big row.

Roy was comforting you, and I remember think--

I should be going. Give me a call later, yeah?

Things are looking up.

Yeah.

I'll just be a minute, mate, yeah?

Since when did I support Liverpool?

Kelly? What--you taking him out for a date?

- I need to talk to him. - What about talking to me?

You've ignored me phone calls.

Roy, these last few months have been amazing,

but, you know, it--it-it--it's like we've woken up,

or more specifically, he's woken up.

So, what? You just forget about us

as if nothing's happened?

I can't just dump John. He's vulnerable.

You know, if he messes up, they're gonna--

they're--they're gonna switch him off.

No. Bollocks will they switch him off.

Look. He's fine. Parfit's fixed him.

I ran a software update.

He won't let me test it, so...

I don't know if it worked.

This new software, is it American, by any chance?

Why do you ask?

Catch you later, baby doll. Come on, buddy.

Time we hit that garbage dump.

No reason in particular.

- Diapers. - Nappies.

- Aluminum cans. - Alu-MIN-ium.

- I feel like a hobo. - Oh, for fuck's sake.

Why won't you do Dr. Parfit's test?

Look. I don't need to be tested. Right?

'Cause I'm not a computer or a robot or a machine.

- I'm augmented, that's all. - I know that, mate.

It's a psychological test, not the Turing test.

- What? - The Turing test, named af--

Alan Turing, the codebreaker. I know what the Turing test is.

You talk to someone for an hour,

see whether you can tell if they're gay.

It's definitely not that, mate.

Hang on. What's this?

- A cell phone. - Mobile.

There's no sim. Might be able to get some data--

Holy shit! A foot!

- Jesus! - Uh, male. Size 10.

No blood. Tissue damage indicates

it was sawn off postmortem.

- We're looking at a homicide. - Is it just as foot?

But why would someone dump a single foot?

Ritualistic? Partial tattoo suggests

an occult significance.

Shit, Major. Looks like we're back

in Serious Crimes after all.

- Oh! - What did you do that for?

- Sorry. - Fucking dickhead!

Put it in a bag!

Forensics said 6 hours for a full DNA analysis.

Judy, I need you to contact missing persons,

try to I.D. this tattoo.

OK, my name still isn't Judy, though.

We're gonna crack this one, John.

I can feel it.

Look who it is! Inspector Gadget.

Beat it, assholes. I'm busy.

Yeah. Busy being interviewed

by us...about your shooting.

Heh.

You update Dennett on the foot.

No, you found it. You deserve the credit.

There's no "I" in team, Roy.

This one's yours.

Don't be nervous, DI Major. We're not gonna charge you.

Not unless your battery's low.

Ha ha ha!

That was a joke.

You know, about you being a computer.

You shouldn't make jokes like that.

It's not very...PC.

What have you got on my shooting?

Gunman had a red Jeep.

Did you put out an APB on the vehicle?

All right, Siri.

We'll ask the questions.

We heard someone gave you a name

just before you got shot.

Give me a name!

Yeah.

I can't remember it.

I've--tried, but I just--

Hey. I understand.

Have you tried switching yourself off and on again?

I'm not a computer, I'm a detective,

a human detective.

It's just banter. We're not serious.

Right, this is who you should be after--

Liam Cleasby, known associate of the shooter's.

We had him a few days ago, but he...got away.

We saw Cleasby a year ago.

Small-time dealer. He didn't know anything.

So that's it then. Interview concludes.

Recording discontinued.

That's it?

This is meant to be a homicide investigation.

Yeah. Is it, though?

What do you mean, is it? I'm the one that was murdered.

Yeah, you were murdered, but you're not

murdered anymore, are you?

So is it a murder case or not?

I'd call it attempted murder.

Possibly GBH.

I'll be honest, you're giving

the lawyers a real headache.

Are you telling me I've not been murdered?

I've been fucking murdered!

Calm down. Control-alt-delete.

Ha ha ha!

Well, thanks for your cooperation.

We might speak to you again in future.

We'll leave you on standby.

Standby! Like a computer!

Douchebags.

Douchebags?

Ehh.

Catch all that, Cleasby?

I'll pass it on.

What happens to him now?

That's above my pay grade.

He doesn't remember anything.

He remembers the Jeep.

Pity. I always liked this car.

The tattoo's a Celtic symbol associated

with the Isle of Man.

I'm liaising with the Manx police.

Tissue samples are with forensics.

OK, DI Carver. I'll give you 24 hours.

Let's see if you can prove people wrong.

Thanks, boss.

What people?

Well, you know, all the ones who said you were washed up

after Major died,

who assumed you were an alcoholic or had a breakdown,

you lost focus so much.

God knows I said it myself a hundred times.

Anyway, pep talk over. Go and find me that killer.

Just because I'm alive doesn't mean

I'm not a murder victim.

Listen, mate, don't mean to interrupt,

but in this country we drive on the left.

Wha?

Oh, shit!

Sorry.

Listen, mate, I just wanted to say

thanks for letting me take the credit for the foot.

Least I could do.

After the work you done on my shooting, Operation Blue Finch.

We're a good team. We always were.

You don't know the half of it.

- Ha ha! - What you mean?

How do you think that foot got on the garbage tip

in the first place?

The killer dumped it there.

Or...maybe a good friend of yours put it there,

a friend who has access to the morgue,

who can borrow a bit of evidence to give your career

a much-needed shot in the ass.

Ha!

Thanks, John. That's very thoughtful.

Yeah? Because I was worried you might not be happy.

- Why? What'd you think I'd say? - I don't know.

Maybe something like you're a complete dickhead?

Tampered with evidence, desecrated a corpse,

wasted police time,

and now we're both gonna go to prison?

You're pissed at me, aren't you?

- No. - You are.

- You're pissed. - No, I'm pissed off,

you American twat!

Pissed off! Pissed means drunk,

and I'm stone cold fucking sober!

- You're real pissed. - What were you thinking?

I was trying to help!

You wanted to get back on Serious Crimes.

Not by committing one!

What happens when the DNA comes back and it matches

a body we've already got?

I thought of that. We say it's not

the same victim...but twins.

Identical twins have the same DNA!

- Do they? - Don't know. Probably.

Oh, fucking hell! Now we're in deep shit.

We need to fix this and now.

Yeah. Yeah, and if anyone can do that, it's us,

and I would honestly love to help,

but I've got this date with Kelly in 20 minutes, so, um...

You OK walking form here?

Feel like we've been here before.

What, sitting across the table,

avoiding a conversation we know we should have?

No, no. I mean, this restaurant.

Yeah, we have. Yeah. It used to be a bit scruffier.

They've done it up. They've--you know,

they ripped it apart and modernized it, so...

- A bit like me then. - Heh heh.

I should give you a review on TripAdvisor.

- How many stars? - Hee hee hee! Yes.

Well, I don't know that yet, do I?

Oh. I remember. We came here for your birthday.

You were wasted.

I'm surprised they let you back in.

- No, I was not. - Totally off your face.

Ha ha ha!

You told the waiter he looked like Elton John.

I didn't. I did. Ha ha ha!

I did. Yeah, but he did. Well, a crap one.

I wonder if he's still here.

Ha ha ha!

- No, he's not here. - He's not here.

You're an embarrassment, John.

I'm an embarrassment?

I had to carry you home that night.

Heh heh heh.

Mmm. That's not like you.

Well, I've been modernized, haven't I?

Answer the phone, you knob.

- What's the problem? - Fuck!

This is the problem.

Your little science project gone very horribly wrong.

Does Dennett know about this?

- Not until I show her, no. - You are not serious.

Look. I know he's me partner, but he's a police officer.

He's meant to protect the public from people like--

What are you doing?

Oops. CCTV seems to have vanished.

So? We'll still get caught.

This time, I'm not taking the blame.

OK, think about this, Carver.

- Do the math. - Maths.

If Dennett finds out, the whole AI project gets shut down.

Maybe it should. He's shit. You failed.

You should both be fired.

Oh, fired? He's an AI.

You know what happens to artificial things

when they pull the plug?

For fuck's sake.

OK, well, that was the photocopier,

but you get the point.

Bullshit. They won't kill him.

Do you want to take that chance?

So, yeah, I had some therapy after you--

after you--some grief counseling, CBT,

that sort of thing.

Actually, I--I had so much that I--

I'm--I'm now training to be a counselor.

I work with police officers actually.

You go, girl!

Well, I just, you know, want to help people

that have been through the same thing as me.

Not--not the, um, husband come back for the dead bit.

Not that bit because that's weird, that bit.

So are you still working as a realtor?

Estate agent? No. No, no. God, no.

I gave that up that months ago.

Don't know why I didn't do it before.

God, the sense of freedom and release was like--

oh, my God. Mmm!

Obviously tinged with sadness, as well.

You've turned your life around, Kel.

That's great. Second chances, eh?

It's what it's all about.

So in a counseling session, I might say something like,

um, have you been experiencing feelings of anger,

and you--you might say--

- what would you say? - What? Oh! Right, no. Yeah.

Um, yeah, uh, I got kind of crabby at work today.

Good. And how's your concentration?

Is that easier or harder, you know,

since the software update?

How did you know I had a software update?

Hmm. Ooh.

I think someone mentioned it at the lab when I...

I don't believe this. You're testing me.

- John. - Is she here?

Dr. Parfit. She is, isn't she? Listening.

Of course she's not listening.

Don't be silly!

I'm--I'm gonna phone her later and tell her what you said.

My own wife is a stool pigeon.

- What? - I thought this was a date.

I thought you were doing this because you cared.

I do care very deeply about you, John.

That is why I'm trying to help you.

By tricking me, spying on me?

No. Dr. Parfit said that you weren't doing your test,

and I was worried about you.

She needs to know how you are feeling.

If you cared two bits about my feelings, Kelly,

we wouldn't be here right now.

- Fuck! - Date not go well?

No, it did not go well!

- You saw her foot off? - What? No.

You're making progress then, aren't you?

Why is everyone busting my balls today?

Oi, Ghost in the Shell.

Dennett wants to see you both. She doesn't sound happy.

Maybe it's something to do with perverting

the course of justice.

What do you mean? I thought you were fixing it.

Have you not fixed it?

What--you mean, going back in time and stopped you

from being a dickhead?

Carver, the committee will switch me off.

Can't you take the blame...again?

Last time, I promise.

- No. - For me. Please.

Well, you said there's no "I" in team.

Turns out there's no "u" in honor.

There is if you fucking spell it properly!

It's about this foot business.

Oh. Um, the thing is, ma'am, we think

that there's a serial killer targeting twins.

You need to drop the case.

- What? - Communication from MI5.

The whole thing's been classified.

We're to act like we never found a foot in the first place.

- But, boss, I mean that's-- - Pain in the arse,

but it can't be helped.

Case closed.

You did this. You and Parfit.

You have my back after all.

We should probably have this bit of the conversation

after we've left the office.

Oh. Um, before I forget, I caught the fly-tipper.

- What? - What?

Sorry. Yeah. I forgot to mention it.

A cell phone was recovered from the fly-tipping site.

Analysis of the data led me to identify a suspect.

He's made a full confession.

Excellent work, DI Major. You're a credit to the force.

- Just doing my "DOO-dee." - "DEW-tee."

DI Carver, you could learn a lot from this man.

- Dismissed. - Thank you, boss.

Bellend.

How did you manage to hack into MI5

and send that fake message?

Please. I've been doing that stuff since kindergarten.

Well, you can't do it for every time he screws up.

He won't screw up from now on.

I've updated the update and reset the language defaults.

This one really will enhance his cognition significantly.

I got shot.

Wo bin ich?

Wer bin ich?

Hilf mir, mein Freund.

Yeah. That's fine. Yeah. Leave him like that. Brilliant.

I'll just...

Major!

I have got one lead.

You can use it to charge a phone off your head.

Ha ha ha!

Have you been seeing someone?

Yes, I have, John, yeah.

- Aah! - Ooh! Ooh!

You horrible, little scum bag!

Jesus!

I think he's got a knife.