Original subtitles

[ Gavel bangs ]I hereby call the Founder's Day

Planning Committee meeting to order.

Okay, can I tempt you ladies with a charcuterie board?

Maybe amuse your bouche?

[ Chuckles ]Oh, wow.

Mike, that's a beautiful cheese plate.

I always wondered what you did all day.

Hmm.Okay, so, this year...

That looks good....we're gonna go all out

to celebrate the founding of the town...I'll have some later.

...by my husband Kent's great-, great-, great-grandfather,

Thaddeus Wyatt.

He came here a long time ago

with nothing but a knife anda passion for killing animals...Oh.

...and he turned this town into the greatest fur-trading post

that Nebraska's ever seen.

Ooh, Deb, you, like, marriedinto Bucksnort royalty.

Yeah. I suppose I did,and that's why on Founder's Day,

we treat Kent like a king,and he wears the Founder's Cape.Oh.

Wow. A cape? So regal.

Well, it's made out of deer

and it's got a bunch of bullet holes in it.

Yeah. And every year, we reenactthe founding of Bucksnort.

Ooh, reenactment.I'm kind of a closet thespian.

And we've all come to love the theatrical

and the weird things that you choose to do, Rio...

Thanks....and with that in mind, what we've decided is...

we'd like to offer you the role of the...Maiden of Bucksnort.

-[ Gasps ] -Yes. -What?

[ Applause ]It's an honor, Rio.

Every year, we pick the woman

that represents the spirit of our town.

And y-you picked me?Yes.

Constance: Yes. I'm just --I'm flabbergasted.

Yeah, so, Connie, can you let Kent know when he can come by

for you to take his picture for the story in the paper?

-Oh, yeah. Yeah, of course. -Oh, wait.

Bucksnort has a newspaper?

Deb: Oh, yeah. The Bucksnort Bugle. Founded in 1876.

It comes out once a year.

I'd be happy to help out.

I could write up a pieceon Kent.

You know, Mike is a tremendous writer.

Come on.He was a journalist in New York.

Come on, no. I just, you know --You'd be lucky to have him.

I reviewed music,and I-I wrote a few profiles,

but I did get really closeto a Rolling Stonecover once.

It was so political, babe. That was not...

I took a big swingwith a reply-all e-mail,

and it -- it backfired.

I don't want to hear all that.Just take it. The paper's yours.

The whole -- The whole paper? The --

Yeah, it's all yours. Just take it.

Honey, wow. Okay. Uh, uh...

Wow.I can't wait to dig in.

No need to dig. Just print the school lunch menu.

Great. And where do I --I'll get that from the school.

Okay.Don't even think about it.Yeah.

Uh, excuse me, can I, um, just --

I need your help over herewith something.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

We'll be right back.[ Laughs ]

I'm the Maiden!I'm -- I'm a media tycoon!

You're a media mogul! Are you kidding me?

You're just a --

[ Muffled ] It'll be fun.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

--Captions by VITAC--

♪♪

Rio: Alright, my first rehearsal's today.

So what do you thinkof this voice?

[ Clears throat ]

[ Deep voice ]Oh, Thaddeus, my love.

She's a maiden, yeah?[ Normal voice ] Yeah, but, like --

Do you think maybe, um, like, just a little bit higher?

Like [High-pitched voice] Oh, Thaddeus, my love.

Yeah, but I was hopingto kind of subvert the norm.

You know what I mean?Mm-hmm.

[ Normal voice ] By the way, Connie brought over

some past issues of the Bugle.

Oh. Wow. Kent's reallygone through a hair journey.

You know, Founder's Day is --

it's covered the exact same way every year.

Oh. I mean, I want people to be excited, right?

Like, I want them to demand that the Bugleis bi-annual.

That's my goal.

Can I say something in, like,

a super-chill, very relaxed way?

Oh, yeah.Just to kind of --

Door's always open for a little...

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

You rememberthere was that one time

you were covering that storyabout the breakup of Sonic Youth

and you, like, chewed through four night guards?

Yeah. Uh...Do you remember that?

I just mean, like,this is a small town.

I don't want youto get to that space.

I-In my defense, three of them were defective.

I did...gnaw through one of them.

But -- But I think

the bigger point that you're making, I hear.

Good. And I am gonna just focus on this being fun.

I'm just saying,don't rock the boat, you know?

It's like,I am the Maiden now,

and you areMr. Editor-in-Chief.

Oh, yeah.And we're likea Bucksnort power couple now.

Oh. You know?

It's like we have a reputationto uphold.

Mm. Okay. Okay?

Mm-hmm. Okay, good.

Alright. Alright.

[ Screams ] God!

Rudy, how long have you been standing there?

What -- Okay.

W-What the heck was that?I don't know.

What's he doing?He was standing there.

This must be for you.

[ Inhales, exhales sharply ]

"To the Editor of the Bugle.Don't believe Kent's lies."

Signed, "Any Mouse."

He must mean "anonymous."

I mean, I should think so.But wh--

Oh, I --What are Kent's lies?

Just, you know...You're right.You're right. Right.

I'm gonna keep it light.I'm gonna keep it light. Let it go, alright?

[ Deep voice ] Oh, Thaddeus, my love.

[ Door closes ]

Rudy? I read your "anonymous" note.

That wasn't me.That could have been any mouse.

But pretty interesting stuffabout Kent lying, huh?

Yeah, I'm just not really looking

for that type of thing right now.

Oh, really? Look at this.

Kent's familydidn't discover Bucksnort.

My ancestorArchibald Longfellow did.

This is his journal. [ Clears throat ]

"I want to call our newsettlement Buck Town,

but my wife snorted at the notion,

so I'm calling it Bucksnort.

Which she also hates."

But then he goes on to say,

"The trees are gossiping about me again.

I hate them. I hate them. I hate them."

I just don't know that we can rely on Archibald as a source.

Please, help me uncover the truth.

Isn't that whata real reporter does?

No. No. Nope. No, no.

This is a community paper.

I am not looking for big stories.

I want pictures of cute kids eating stuff.

Huh. I can see you'rein the pocket of the Wyatts,

like everybody else.

The back pocket. Where it stinks.

Just talk to Deb about it.

Put it on the desk, and I'lljust tell you when I'm coming.

You don't even have to be here.

I don't want to have to sort --

-[ Screams ] -Mom, Dad.

Mr. and Mrs. Bowman.

What the hell are you doing?!

I know what you're doing!Why? I know why!

Get the hose! Get the hose!

No, no, no, you don't haveto get the hose, Dad!

You want me to give Jacob the sex talk?

Please. We'll pay.

I mean, you're a therapist

and you're also kinda slutty.

Both things I went to college to accomplish.

I...love this idea.

However, it really does need to come from Dad.

Rio:That's the best place.

And also, I've just been really busy lately.

I don't know if you heard,but I'm -- I'm playingthe Maiden of Bucksnort.

And you're taking the time to talk to us?Beau: Oh, my God. Congratulations.

Little old us. Bless you.

Really excited.

Okay, I will talk to Jacob,

but could you give me some tips on words to use?

'Cause I really feel like I might just black out.

The best thing to do is really to be honest.

Remember, you don't want to be judgmental.

You don't want to be shaming, right?

Well, how are you supposed to talk about it, then?

Well, what you can do is kind of explain the physical

and emotional components to sexual intercourse and --

Oh, now, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

And just remember, it's like your son is now a man

who wants to use his body

just to express his love through his --Shut your mouth.

[ Crying ]

Can you get --

Uh, the spin might look a littleweird in the photograph.

Maybe just hold it still?

[ Camera shutter clicking ]There we go.That's nice.

Real Dave Crockett-y.That's really fun.

You know, I would havethought that cape

would look a little older.

Huh?[ Velcro rips ]

Oh, is that Velcro?

Mike, I want to thank you for keeping the paper going.

You know, for telling the story that we all love...

and agree on.

[ Rooster crows in distance ]

You know, uh...funny thingabout that story.

There is a contradictory storyout there.

I don't know if you've seenArchibald's journal.

Oh. [ Chuckles ] Yeah. What a hoot.

[ Both laugh ]

Yeah, you know, but, uh, listen,

if you need a veterinarian at any time, you call me,

and if you guys are thinking about breeding...

sperm's on me.

Sperm's on you. Yeah.

[ Bleats ]Mike: Okay.

I can't believe I'm saying this,but, Rudy, you were right.

Kent is hiding something.

He offered me sperm.

Okay, before you run anyof Any Mouse's accusations,

I should let you know...I'm Any Mouse.

Thank you, but I'm gonna need hard evidence.

What else you got in this trunk?

Generations of Longfellow artifacts.

[ Rattling ]

What are those? Baby teeth?

No shortage of those.

Longfellows have an extra half row.

Jackpot. Dog bones.

Alright, now,what's this fur thing?

Don't be dense, Mike.

That's a dog bone wrap.[ Gasps ]

Oh, my. [ Gasps ]

Bullet holes.Do you know what this means?

This might bethe real Founder's Cape.

I mean, this is a story.

[ Laughs ]

Fantastic.

But, now, what should I use as a dog bone wrap?

I'm so excited for you to getthe first issue of my newspaper.

Yeah, I can't wait to read it.

Uh, oh, heads up, I did exactlywhat you asked me not to do.

What does that mean?

What do you mean by that?[ Indistinct conversations ]

Why on God's green Earth

would you stir up an old family blood feud?

"Who's the Prince of Bucksnort?"

You called Kent a liar?

Why? Why'd you do this?

I just journalistically --[ Pounds on window ]

Oh, dear.

Kent. Kent. Oh, wow. Kent.

Oh, wow.Oh, no! No, no! Kent! Oh, Kent!

Well, I-I think the free sperm'soff the table.

I-I'm just trying to understand.

Like, are you happy with this result?

Like, is this --is this what you intended?

Oh, yeah. I have never had someone

burn something I've written right in front of me.

Yeah. Do you know how muchyou have to care about something

to light it on fire? Yes.

And I'm gonna find the truth no matter what the cost.

Shout-out to my guys W and B.

Are you talking about Woodwardand Bernstein right now?

Mm! Yes.

Oh, my God.

They're still alive.

Mike, speaking asthe spirit of Bucksnort,

you are tearing my town apart.

Tear the tow-- I'm savingthe town.

The town has been way too comfortable for way too long,

and I'm here, and I got some things to say.

Are you, like, gearing upfor the next edition right now?

I am gonna fix this town...

Mike....with the best tool I have at my disposal.

What's that?

More journalism.

No. Not that.

Jakey, you're a young man.

Mm-hmm.

You've seen the horsesin heat, right?

[ Chuckling ] What?

No.

Maybe.

Is it okay if I did?

Never mind.

Okay.

You have a penis.

Yuck.

[ Breathing heavily ]

A woman has two components.

Time is an emotion.

Don't rush.

Dad, um...

is this the sex talk?

I hope so. You tell me.

I never thought you'd want to talk about this,

but I-I'm definitely going to be

having sexual intercourse with Janine very soon,

and I think that we would both love

to talk to you about our decision.

You -- You want meto have the -- the talk

with youand your girlfriend?

And -- And it would be reallynice if Mom could be there, too.

Absolutely. Yes.

Yeah? Yes.

This should happento your mother, too.

And the Maiden bore Thaddeus many sons,

each one larger than the last.

[ Whispering ] I am so fertile.

-Louder, Clara. -I feel like I'm screaming.

But you're not scream--Hey, I'm so sorry I'm late. Sorry.

I, um -- I have some ideas for Maiden.

I thought maybe she could have, like, a limp.

You know, it's like, "Ooh, what's the story there?"

You know? Oh.

Isn't that the Maiden's crown?

Why -- Why is Clara wearingthe Maiden's crown?

I am so sorry.

About what?Uh, Rio, you know what?

Turns out y-you don't embodythe spirit of Bucksnort,

so I found a better rolefor you.

Kent's gonna stab youin the throat.

I'm sorry, what's happening?

As Thaddeus slashes the throat

of the final Nebraskan buck,

he brings the species into extinction.

That's gonna be you.

Yeah. O-Okay.

Um, Deb, does this have something

to do with Mike's article?

No.

N-No? No, no, no. No.

I don't thinkthat a subpar writer

who was fired from his last job

could really write anything thatcould tarnish Kent's legacy.

So, no.

Mike was an amazing journalist in New York,

just so you know, okay?

And up until this moment right now, I was on yourside.

But now I'm kinda like, "Was he onto something?"

No. Just go. You know what? Oh.

Because this rehearsal'sfor people with speaking parts,

and the buck...

the buck just kinda runs aroundand screams.

Oh, good God.So, yeah.

Horrible screaming noises.

[ Screams softly ]

[ Recorder beeps ]This is Mike Levine-Young.

I am joined by...

Rudolph Enoch Longfellow.And I'm wearing overalls.

Uh, Kent Wyatt. Also in overalls.

Alright, we are here with a Bugleexclusive.

Two rival families coming together.

I guess the best place to start would be the cape.

Oh, I am willing to concede

that perhaps Rudy's pelt isthe real Founder's Cape,

but only because Archibald stole it from Thaddeus.

I'm giving Kent a dirty lookright now.

Okay, we're not on the radio. Just stick to the truth.

Anyone who believes that the town was named

because some woman snorted is a complete dolt.

Alright, name-calling's not gonna be helpful, so...

Kent has a butt for a face.And his story is garbage.Oh, my goodness.

We see bucks everywhere.Thaddeus didn't murder them all.

He murdered all of a certain species.

Oh, please.Rudy, that's why I became a vet,

so that I could redeem myself for the sins of my ancestors.

Oh, your ancestors.Oh, wait, do you hear that?

Oh, it's your ancestors, Rudy. Oh, let me ask.

They want to know why you're living in a barn!

Okay. There's a line.

Uh, we crossed it a little while ago,

and I'm hoping we can back up and just talk this out.

I'd like to let Little Rudy andBig Rudy do the talking for me.

Ooh, well, then I will let Thaddeus and Wyatt do mine.

No, no, no.Let's do this!

No, we're gonna talk with our mouths.Here we go. Rock and roll.

Guys, talk with the mouth.Let's go!

No, bring it on.Talk with the mouth.

Thank you for your openness.

All my parents will tell me

is that babies get made when you pray with your pants off.

So, how did you maintain a truthful dialogue

after the moment of consummation?

Where'd you get that sweater?Real pretty.

I think what Janine is asking is,

did it get weird talking to Dad

after you guys did intercourse?

Oh, w-why are we even talking about this?

You're not even married.

Did you wait until you were married?

Uh-huh. Yes!

We sure did.Absolutely.

Okay, well, I don't want to wait until then.

Well, then just go do it,

and we'll pretend we don't know anything about it.

Wait, wait, wait.

I thought we were supposed to be honest with each other.

We arebeing honest.We want you to lie.

We came to you guys to talk about our bodies

finding pleasure in each other.

Oh! Jacob!

I didn't raise you with that dirty mouth.

This is a dinner table.We have to eat off this table.

Okay. You two need to grow up.

You better watch your mouth!

Excuse me?Come on, Janine.

Let's go to DQ and get a Reese's Blasted Blizzard.

Okay.

Hey. Nobody's blasting anybody!

You're not taking mytruck, boy!

Rudy!Archibald is -- Oh!

Mud pies aren't gonna stop me, Rudy.

Not a step closer.

Don't -- Rudy! Rudy, put it down! Rudy!

Hey. Ah! I got hit!

What is that, poop?You okay?

Ow!I wish it was.

It would better reflectmy feelings towards Kent!

-You were right? -Huh?

Oh!The Wyatts, they're hiding something.

Oh, that's it.[ Gunshot ]

[ All shout ]

Constance: Relax, it's not a gun.

It's just an app.

I am so sorry this escalated.

Uh, we were just doing an interview.

Drop the shovel, Kent.

Drop it.[ Shovel clatters ]

Rudy, back to the barn.No!

This is not the man I fell for.

Sorry, girlfriend.

I never wanted you to bear witness to my unbridled rage.

Sometimes, I'm a really bad boy.

Your lady saved you this time.Oh, yeah?

But you show your face at Founder's Day,

and I will rip you limb from limb.

And I shall defend myselfagainst your limbs

with my remaining limbs.

Oh, this just got very dark.

Honey? Oh, hey.

Honey, y-you were right, okay?

I got -- I got carried away,

and I ruined our power-couple status.

You were a beautiful maiden, andnow you're a disgusting buck.

Oh, well, I was -- I was trying

to maintain some form of dignitywith this role,

but I-I hear what you're saying.

I'm sorry. If I had listened to you,

I wouldn't have printed something

that got two extremely gentle old men to brawl.

I feel like I didn't realizehow much the paper meant to you.

I think you miss beinga journalist, you know?

And it's okay to admit that.

I do.

But...I think, more than that,

I-I just miss being good at something.

You aregood at something.You're a good farmer.

That's very sweet of you, but it's not true.

I-I broke the cardinal rule.

I-I made the story about me,

and it should have been about the town.

So, I'm gonna quit, you know?

Sadly, this thing only comes outonce a year,

so it's gonna be a while before they notice anyways.

Mike, you're not quitting.I can't let you quit.

You had the gutsto seek out the truth,

and then you came this closeto unearthing something

that Bucksnort has been trying to hide for years.

Mnh-mnh. Don't quit now.

The town needs you.I know what you're doing.

Mm-hmm?

And I appreciate it. Thank you.

Welcome.

Alright, I'm gonna go let Kentslice me in the throat.

Aah!

Well, have fun.

Thanks.

[ Door opens, closes ]

[ Sighs ]

Wait. 1916?

[ Kay grunting ]

Hey, Kay. What?

Is this about something I did?

Jacob's so mad aboutthat dang talk.

Why'd we have to have it anyway?

I mean, we never talked aboutanything before we, you know...

Yeah, I'm not the best at talking about the physical act.

What's there to talk about?

Well, I just want Jacob to be better

at talking with his son about itthan Iam with him.

[ Sighs ]

I think we're gonna have to try again.

Okay, fine.

But the first time one of themsays "oral," I'm out.

Brandon: And Thaddeus Wyattsurveyed the land,

looking for the final buck.

Buck? Buck?

Where are you?Beau: This never makes any sense.

He's about to kill the buck... Mm-hmm.

...but he's wearing the capehe makes from the buck.

Yeah, I brought that up to Deb last year,

and she invited me to leave the committee.

[ Up-tempo piano music playing ]

[ Applause ]

I thought she said she was classically trained.

Hey, uh, Connie, I found something

I thought you might want to take a look at.

It's the 50th-anniversary edition

of The Bucksnort Bugle from 1916.

Oh, "Cholera Moves to Mason City.

Bucksnort Rejoices."

Yeah, the funny thing about this

is, uh, you told me the paper was founded in 1876,

but it was really founded in 1866.

So, why are you hiding the first 10 years?

Because I was dumb enough

to think that I would stop youfrom making a mess.

I think sometimes you just gotta tell the truth

and trust that the reader can handle the consequences.

[ Sighs ]

Well, I hope you're rightabout this.

Brandon: And Thaddeusunsheathed his knife,

and then he stabbed the buck.

[ Grunts ]And the buck died.

Unh!

Aah! Oh!

No, not today!

Maybe stab the buckone more time so the buck knows.

I hope the town is ready for this.

This is the oldest editionof the paper.

Notice who the editor is.

Wait, was a Longfellow married to a Wyatt?

Something like that.

This will explain everything.

Okay. Thank you so much.

You're my source from the shadows.

You're my Deep Throat.

W-W-What the heck did you just say?

Aah! Oh, come on.

Hey, kids.Hey.

Sorry aboutwhat happened earlier.

We want you both to know...

we're here for you...Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

...if you have any questions.

Like, for real? Th-Thank you.Yeah.

We have so many questions.Yeah.

Well, we're ready to answer your questions,

because sex is a big deal, you know?

You're -- You're about to discover

that there's -- there's nothing more powerful

than a loosened bolo tie and some Alan Jackson

and -- and your own raw, primal cravings.

Okay.You're gonna feel a tugin your toes,

and then your whole body will get swept up in a tidal wave,

and you'll be searching,praying for a roof

or a branch, anything to hold on to.

And then everything's slipping through your fingers.

And then you realize suddenly

that the strongest thing you can do is to just let go.

And go and go and --

Sweet Lord, just let it go.

We're not ready.

I don't want to talk to guys about this ever again.

Th-Thank you.

We're gonna wait for themto ask questions.

What?

Why? I'm the last guy here.

And having killed the final buck,

Thaddeus was ready for love.

[ Whispering ] Move.

Be loud.

[ Shouting ] I am the Maiden of Bucksnort!

Thaddeus! My love!

Simmer down, Clara.

The real founder is here.And it's me.

So, you showed up. Well, you know what?

I'm gonna do to you what I did to the buck.

-No. No. -Bring it in.

Okay, wait, wait! Stop, stop, stop, stop!

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!

Stop, stop, stop, stop!

Stop, stop, stop!

I hold in my hand

a letter addressed to both of your oldest ancestors

that shall prove once and for all

who founded the town of Bucksnort.

So, if you'll allow me...

[ Clears throat ]

"My dearest husbands,

founding this town with the two of you at my side

has been the greatest pleasure of my life,

more pleasure even than the unsheathing

of our quivering tender--"

No. Hold on. Let me just skim.

Oh. We don't need the illustrations.

This is inappropriate!

"Your beloved, Peregrine Longfellow-Wyatt."

[ Crowd gasps ]

It was a polyandric relationship!

One lady married to two men.

Fantastic.So you both founded Bucksnort.

You wouldn't want somethinglike that, would you?

Huh?

To have another husband? Hell yeah.

I guess I do see a resemblance.

We do... sneeze the same.

Brother?

Brother.

Well, I don't think that makes you guys --

Well, whatever.

Can I take a gander at the drawings?

Oh, the illustrations?

Yes.Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're gonna see immediately

why they were calledthe Longfellows.

[ Sniffs ] Oh, wow.

The buck stops here.

Well, I thinkthe buck startsthere.

Yeah.Where does it end?