Original subtitles

Eddie.

- Good morning, sunshine. - Who is that?

No, no, no, no, no, no...

Babe, the sexiest thing I could've done is check her pulse.

Jenny. Jenny. Jenny, come on.

Just clam down.

Give me a second to smoke a bowl, and figure out what the hell happened last night.

I can't do this anymore, Eddie.

Don't. The band's signing papers. We're going on tour today.

Yeah. All the more reason we should cut our losses.

Nothing happened in there. I swear.

I could swear too. Don't fucking text me, don't fucking call me,

don't even tweet about me, just don't even think about me.

Facebook?

Jenny, come on. Jenny!

This is all just a misunderstanding.

Oh, my god.

Jesus.

Hmm...

Well, this can't get any worse.

Toss?

Hey Toss. Hey buddy.

Toss! Come on, buddy.

Hey man, Toss!

No, no, no.

No!

- I thought you are dead. - Oh. You mean I'm not?

- What did we do last night? - Oh...

I'll tell you what we didn't do.

Oh...

Enough for coke.

- Shit got a little out of hand last night. - AIDS...

got a little out of hand compared to what happened here.

Dude, I can't remember anything.

At some point, I...

triple jumped the line between award show drunk and Hasselhoff.

Oh...

Who took a shit in your mouth?

Chas. Who else? Fucking asshole.

- Jenny broke up with me. - Oh, cool.

No. Not cool.

Chas fucked this stripper in my room last night,

and she's still there. Jenny walked in, and just assumed...

- You hit that? - What? No!

You should've woke her with wood, she would've thought you were Chas, right?

You want Chas' sloppy seconds?

- Can't get more Herpes. - That's not true.

Last thing I remember is... dinner.

I don't remember the last thing I remember.

You know, my back hurts, from carrying you every time we try to have fun.

...what you want me to do. If you are hungry, eat.

- They wouldn't wait for you. - That's my fucking point, Toss.

- Why are you looking at them? - I don't know.

Why are you making such a big deal out of nothing? As usual.

Well, that was a little more heated than usual.

Yeah, she must be ride on the cotton pony.

- Why do you always assume... - Shush... men are talking.

Alright, let's not take your frustrations... on my girl.

She was about to side with her even though you both know that she's bat shit crazy!

- I was simply trying to... - Shut up!

- Hey! That's enough, man. - No, it's fine.

- I'm just gonna check on Beth. - I'm sorry.

Toss! Treat my girl with some respect, man.

- Ladies. - It's about fucking time.

Dinner's been over for an hour. But dig in, boys.

We were at Crazy Girls with boobs. Now we're here.

Did I ever tell you fags about the time I was

balls deep in the two hole of this little Asian bird right here on this very table?

- What was his name? - Ha ha ha.

Forgive us. Most of your stories start that way.

That is because I have a pornographic memory, my friend.

Chas, nobody wants to hear about your sexual...

- Disappointments. - Speak for yourselves.

I love hearing this stuff. It's hot, very sexy.

Sometimes I jerk off.

What? I'm lonely.

All right, you know what? Why don't we put this to a vote?

How many people here, actually, want to hear this bullshit? Show hands.

Thank you. Great! Now we don't have to hear about

your quest to defile a girl in every room of this house.

- Not fair. Birds can't vote. - Go fuck yourself, Chas.

I already have. Twice.

But you know, I've got just enough juice left to get that last room.

Oh, there's a reason, why it's the last room.

- I'll get in. I always do. - I bet you say that to all the boys.

If I were you, I will choose my next word very carefully, my friend.

Because I can do worse than what everyone hears through your walls and their nightmares.

Well, I think we all know you can do better.

- Right? - Is that a joke?

Listen, if I'm fully drunk,

and she's half attractive, then she's fully attractive.

You know, if Heath Ledger did that kind of math, then he'd still be alive.

Gees!

Was he gonna do math...

- Just somebody call a punch before I do. - Easy, love.

- We just having a spot of fun. - Yeah, fun. Anyone having a blast?

You know, I think we all be a little bit off spirit tonight. How you ladies doing?

- Em, time of my fucking life. - I'm thrilled to be here.

Kinda night you just wanna wrap your lips around cold steel.

Is she going on tour with us?

- I would, but you'd will there, so... - So, great.

- This might be fun after all. - Chas.

You've been a dick ever since I decided to sleep

- the guitarist instead of you. - God...

Love, I've always been a dick.

And you see, the thing about dicks, is that they attract pussy.

And the biggest dick, gets the most pussy.

And let's face it. You've never seen a bigger dick than this,

and poor little Eddie here, I mean, he's the rhythm guitar.

- Chas. - What?

For the love of god, I'll super glue your cock your taint. Again.

- Is that a promise? - Well, I think it's time to powder my nose.

Wait, you got coke?

Too soon?

Too late.

We've got company.

What's he so pissed about? He does play rhythm guitar.

I hate my life.

Jenny.

One two, cha cha cha...

Are you guys expecting company?

Just few of our closest friends, friend.

- Really? - Really.

- You invited them. - Oh, dude, I invited some people.

- We invited he invites some people. - Wonderful.

Guys, this just supposed to be a dinner party.

Yeah, well uh, we had dinner, so, let's party.

Right!

Get out of the way.

Key's in the kitchen.

You... Ah! I'm so glad you made it.

I'll find you in a little while, all right?

Get drunk.

- Chas. - What?

I though we had a understanding. What happen to a quiet night amongst friends?

Friends? I fucking hate you.

Jenny?

That's it.

Movie's over.

Most of that was news to me.

- Did we sign our contract last night? - I have no fucking idea.

- Do you remember anything else? - I remember the Titans.

Toss?

Get the fuck over here.

Greatest, party,

ever?

Dude, fuck.

- So we're fucked, and I'm going to jail. - Look at the bright side...

Did anyone ever die in Tommy Lee's pool?

- Yes. - Exactly.

Ultimate street credit.

You can't buy that kind of... What the fuck are you doing?

- Calling the cops? - No, no, no, we're not going to jail.

- We're going on tour. - What the fuck, man?

Look, we've got a team of corporate lawyers to deal with this shit now...

while we're on the road, banging groupies two at a time.

Or, our public defender are sitting around with his thumb up his ass

while I've got a guy ironically named Tiny up mine.

Give it...

Re-fucking-lax bro.

- We're somebody else's problem now. - Are we, Toss?

Because we don't even know if Reuben came over here last night with the contracts.

- We can call Spencer. - Absolutely not.

Not after what he tried to pull last night. That much I remember clearly.

- Woo... - Are you kidding me right now?

- Hey. Getting mad ain't gonna help. - But getting fucked up will?

You know what? I'm gonna wake Reuben up. Because as usual,

- his sobriety will come in handy. - Ha! Sobriety.

He's taken 12 steps at least a dozen times.

Whit a second, Toss. We gonna talk about this.

Boys.

- Your house is on fire. - I highly doubt that, Chuck.

- That was real smooth. - What did you expect me to do?

Hide the body? Go!

- Good morning. - That's what I thought.

Outdoor furniture, is my specialty.

What in the name of Oprah happened last night?

I uh... don't really know.

This reeks of Chas.

Hey, what time did you end up getting outta here last night?

I don't know. Two. Two thirty.

I'm really sorry if we kept you up, man. I mean, things got... a little crazy.

No, I'm sorry. It wasn't you guys.

- I... got into a fight with Geoffrey. - Must be going around.

- Wait, who's Geoffrey? - My sugar daddy.

No offense, Chuck, but you blow through dudes like Toss blows through blow.

Huh! Toss wishes he could go through that much coke, literally.

Yeah, for what it's worth I hope you and uh...

- Geoffrey! - Right. Kiss and make up. Just uh...

- You know, not over here. - We will, and we will.

- Now, I don't mean to pry, but Eddie... - What?

I heard Jenny this morning.

Girlfriend got some lung on her.

Oh, that, yeah. Pretty bad, man.

- Oh, you'll be fine. - Thanks, Chuck.

As you can see, I've got my hands full here. So.

Oh, I'd be happy to help. We could have this cleaned up in no time.

Thank you, but that is not necessary.

- You sure honey? - Yes!

It's totally cool. As a matter of fact,

the record label actually has people who will deal with this things, so it's fine.

- Oh. You fancy, huh? - Yeah.

You know it. Thank you for so much for putting out the couch.

I really appreciate it. Take care!

- Well, if you need anything. Holla! - Will do.

Woo! That was refreshing. I highly recommend it.

But, I recommend getting high first. Ha-ha. You got a light?

You know, I have a hard time believe in you can produce a joint from thin air,

without a way to light it. Besides, Toss,

I don't know whether you comprehend this, but we have bigger problems here.

Uh-oh, bigger than this?

Like a dead guy out there in the pool.

Now I hope Gunther has some answers.

Fuck! What's the last time you saw Gunther?

Is that all you remember?

- I need more fuel. - Fuel?

Yeah, every time I drink or smoke, I remember something.

Dude, that's state dependent learning.

- Yeah, what he said. - No, no, no, no, seriously.

The only way to remember a blackout,

is to blackout again.

Yay, science! I'm gonna check Chas' room.

You looking for Chas or Chas' coke?

Wow, I just got picked off first.

Well, lucky for us, I'm on second.

Typical.

He's got coke. I can smell it.

The only time Chas is actually up this early is...

- When he hasn't gone to bed. - Exactly.

Unbelievable. Where are these assholes?

We gotta find them, man.

More importantly, we gotta find that contract or we are all fucked.

What are those?

- Remember me nots. - I think you missed one.

What's happening?

Nothing.

Let me see.

Woo...

Klonopins, nice.

Did you hurt your back falling off the wagon?

No, I have a huge pain in the ass.

Does she know you are doing drugs without her?

You could fill the Grand Canyon with what she don't know about me.

You ain't gonna find what you looking for at the bottom of this bag of pills.

Because it ain't in there.

Getting slow.

There you are.

Take what you want.

I'll have fun trying.

Don't try too hard. Because the trip back from rock bottom is a bitch.

Look, it's' just a couple of pills.

Just a couple pills and couple more, I'll be pulling you trigger,

- so you don't pulling Hendrix. - I can handle my shit.

Sound like me 12 steps ago.

Twelve, eleven,

ten, nine, eight,

seven, six, five, four...

...two, one.

- Who's got the next motherfuckers? - Right here, Sebastic Warriors.

- Can you handle these balls? - He's sober.

But I'm drinking for two. So yes, I can handle this.

- Beer pong is foreplay. - And you're about to get fucked.

Double or nothing.

Needs more coke.

You all right in there?

Single tear.

How far you gonna take it?

Full fist. No Vaseline.

David Bowie! Again.

- I almost save the last one for later. - No, no, no, no.

No, no. Rock bottom, rock... What is it?

Think John Bonham leaves fucking shit in his dressing room?

You think Ginger Baby didn't do this?

You think Keith Moon didn't do the fucking line?

Toss Dunbar on drums, ladies and gentlemen.

I feel like the drummer from Def Leppard.

What the fuck is that?

- Is that my fucking girlfriend? - Dude, that's your girlfriend fucking.

You ever make her to that?

Fuck.

It's been over for a long time, Toss. You know it, I know it.

That half attractive dyke knows it.

- Toss, not here! - Why not?

- That didn't stop you at dinner. - Fuck you, Toss.

Fuck me? Is today my birthday?

You know what? I hope fame does find you, I really do.

Because you'll just fuck it up. That's what you do.

You're just a druggie. Fuck up. Loser.

You... you make me want drugs.

What?!

Hey dude. Like... we're cool, right?

What the fuck you looking at?

This was supposed to be a celebration.

Yes! Whoa!

- Okay. So, what happen to Gunther? - I don't know, it all went black.

You got all that from drinking, smoking, and popping a few pills?

Well, yeah, and a decent buzz.

Shato Margo, really?

- Oh, yeah. Chas eared this one. - Wait...

You are serious. Yeah... get in there.

You fill the hole that your dad left when he walked out your life.

Go ahead, down the hatch.

At least we don't fight like that.

Right babe?

Jenny?

I told you I'd be there for you.

Honey? That's my drink.

Spencer. Why don't you run along and ruin someone else's night, suit?

Come on, Eddie. Don't be jealous.

Of what? That fashion beard?

Seriously.

I left two inches out so she wouldn't fall in love.

- Say that to me again right now. - He's not worth it.

Eddie, your contract is up.

I'd love to stay and chat, buddy.

Hmm. That's actually not true.

I guess this beer was for my Fiance.

Yeah.

What were you doing flirting with that douche nozzle?

Spencer? Please! I was insulting him.

- Yeah, that's how you flirt. - Don't worry about it.

By tomorrow night you gonna have groupies all over you.

Not if you come with.

Look, ever since I gave Reuben your stuff, he's taken a real interest in my career.

That's great, babe and I'll be here when...

It is great. I'm finally getting somewhere.

I can't just, leave my life to watch you live yours.

Jenny.

- Baby, I want this to work. - I...

Of my god.

What the fuck is this? Prom?

If it were prom, you might be at least getting laid.

Today just ain't your day, bro.

Shit. I didn't remember anything about Gunther.

But, you remembered something.

Maybe, we gotta take this,

to another level.

- I don't think I have another level. - There, there. Take your medicine.

Come on.

You can do it. You're a big boy now.

- It's four twenty somewhere. - Atta boy.

Ah yes.

Yes... to work... work.

- I need more weed. - Gocha, dude.

- Come on. - Thank you.

Who is this filthy slut? And why does she smell like a dead homeless person?

Gunther? Oh, fuck!

Holy, that is the sexiest thing you could pull last night?

- Cover it up, man! - Yeah, you like that?

Oh, I'm gonna have me a coupla' Minotaur kids...

Cover it up! Cover it up.

It's the best day of my life and you won't even let me enjoy it?

You motherfucker.

Well, at least someone in this house knows how to greet me.

Where the hell have you been?

I'm sorry, Eddie.

I didn't realize I had to check in with the Miss of the house before I left.

First thing's fucking last, okay? Do you have any coke?

Do I look like an amateur?

- I can murder you right now. - For what?

- For being awesome? - For one, there's a corpse in the pool.

Yeah I know. I saw him when I took my morning swim.

- What? - What do you want me to do about it?

I guess nothing. Just act like an asshole as usual. That's what you good at.

Ey, mate. Look, last night was not my fault. I was drinking whiskey.

You know what? That's your excuse for everything, bro.

Looks like someone woke up on the wrong side of the dead deer.

Come here! I'm gonna kill you.

Stop it, stop it, stop it.

Eddie, maybe we should find out what he knows before you kill him.

- Jenny broke up with me because of you. - Alright, yeah, it's because of me.

Nothing to do with your little penis and K.D. Lang haircut.

Enough with the fake British accent!

Oh, you wanna get real? Come on, let's get real!

Come on.

Fucking asshole!

You sons of bitches.

- Do you wanna find the contract or not? - I don't care anymore. I fucking quit.

I fucking quit.

What did you do?

Nothing.

- Come on, have a drink with me. - Sorry honey, you are not my type.

Bitch.

- Just one drink. - Fine.

- Oh! You just spilled forty dollars. - Beat it, nerd.

- You again. - Me. Again.

Why don't we go some place and get shady?

Oh, my god.

What the fuck! Is this prom?

If it were prom, you might be getting laid.

Get out of my way.

Wow, you guys throw a great party. Wish I was invited.

Yeah, it was an impromptu thing. I have no idea it's gonna happen.

You guys told one person at the school for the terminally hip?

You know, I've got a better idea.

Yeah, keep going.

Easy, easy, easy. Business before pleasure.

Oh, but pleasure is my business.

We forget how this works?

You, are turing into my best customer.

You are very welcome.

Maybe we should take a break, huh?

You can't break up with me. You are my drug dealer.

You broke with me first, remember?

- We are really going there? - We don't have to.

I don't have a problem. I just need to hide my stash better.

Yeah well, if you can't get it up again, I'll know you are lying.

Wanna do some ecstasy?

You got any viagra?

Baby...

- How about a little privacy! - Are you serious, Chas?

- That's lame, even for you. - I'm going to fuc...

Jenny, wait. Hold on, I can explain this. Jenny, wait. Give me a second.

This is not what it looks like. Jenny, wait!

Damn it, Chas. Why can't you just fuck in your own room like a normal human being?

Do I look like a normal human being to you?

- This is the last time. - Or what?

What? You gonna quit the band, Eddie?

- Yeah. - You're the rhythm guitarist.

I write the music, you cocksucker.

So, got any condoms?

What's a condom?

Looks like you gonna have to blow me.

Does that mean I get to tongue punch your firebox?

Oh, Chas.

Chas! What the fuck does that have to do with anything?

Nothing. This is just a great story.

I'd love to hear the girl's side of that story.

I bet you would that's cuz you like being lied to.

Got any condoms?

What's a condom?

Oh, Chas...

Oh, Chas!

Oh! Oh, Chas!

What are you doing?

I'm getting ready to go out and enjoy the party that you didn't invite me to.

Wait...

What about... my turn?

Oh, it is your turn, you selfish prick.

Layla, wait.

Chas, I'm done waiting. Maybe now you can think of someone other than yourself.

Okay, hang on. Hang on.

I've got a condom.

Great! Now you can go fuck yourself.

Easy, gunpowder. Oh, a straw. Perfect.

Go fuck yourself, I mean, hello. Hello, hey... Hey.

Yeah.

What? Well, I mean we can't find Gunther, but everybody...

Yeah, we'll all be here.

Bye, love.

That was Spencer,

he's on his way over here right now, with great news about out contract.

- What the fuck does that mean? - I'm fluent in douche. It's not good.

Look, I'll go break it to Eddie, okay?

You think you can keep you little hipster friend away from the pool?

I think I can...

get fucked up trying.

A little early for that, no?

I'm already halfway to a blackout.

What makes you think you can quit the band?

Because I'd rather not hit the big time and be with her,

than go on tour with you assholes.

Come on, drink this one through, huh?

You can't quit the band.

No, what I can't do, is deal with Chas' bullshit 24/7 for the next six months.

It's a small price to pay for rock super stardom.

I'll kill him.

I mean, I'm talking, literal,

straight, fucking murder.

You think Fleetwood Mac didn't want to kill each other? The Police?

Those guys fucking hate each other. But it fuels the music.

What if she's the one?

Eduardo,

ten years from now, Jenny may or may not be the mother of you children.

But if you don't go on this tour, you'll regret it for the rest of your life.

Opportunity like this, don't come around that often.

Let's face facts, man.

You destroy the guitar.

- I write all out music, man. - I'm fucking with you, kiddo.

I'm with you, man. Just fucking around.

Listen to me,

I've been around the block.

I put records out. I've been on tour, all over world.

This is my last shot. And I know it.

You may never get another shot.

And you could write a song that could live forever.

Everyone wants to be where you are right now.

If you wanna let that slip away cuz you're in love with some girl,

Cool. But just do me one favor...

Please be damn sure, that this girl means something to you.

- Gang bang my life. - Yep.

- You're right. - I know.

You in?

You're in.

Let's rock every stadium,

take every drug, bang every groupie, until one of us dies.

You're sober, man.

Yeah, it's the same goes to sex, drugs, and Rock and Roll.

I can't leave one out because I don't drink anymore.

Hello.

You are either with us,

or you're against us.

You think you pussies can handle two at a time?

Sorry, doll face. I'm sober, and this kid is lame.

Hi. I'm Layla.

Gunther Shea.

And this...

Is the most boring person in the world.

- Oh, you've met. - Yeah.

Your hands, so petite.

My cock's gonna look huge in this.

Well, I think this guy is not against you, but...

if you'll excuse me, I gonna go find my girl.

I told you.

More for us, babe.

Welcome to the Gentlemen's Lounge, shall we?

I love you.

What the fuck, Spencer?

Why don't you take me outside so I can teach you a lesson?

Jenny's not here to save you this time.

I got six inches on you, buddy. And I'm taller.

- Why you have to be such a douche bag? - That's Mr. Douche Bag to you, okay?

But since you ask, six nights a week,

three venues a night, I scour this town for talent.

And Ruben, he sees you online, for free, while he was busy not working.

And now I have to deal with four talentless hacks

with a Macbook Pro and too much time on the hands.

Well, why don't you tell me how you really feel.

I really feel that in 20 years, you'll be still making bad music,

while I'll be balls deep in your girlfriend, and sport fucking your sister on the side.

No wonder Jenny doesn't want to be near you right now. You stink.

You've seen Jenny?

Easy, tiger. This is cashmere.

Where is she, you son of a bitch?

She needed a friend, okay?

And as a friend, she doesn't want to see you right now.

Oh, hey, Reuben!

I'm sure he'd love to see this.

Now, if you need me,

I'll be convincing this "has been" that you're a "never will be".

Jenny?

Jenny!

Oh... Come the fuck on.

I wonder what kinda douche bag Spencer's got in store for us.

Dude, I don't know what I'm gonna do if he pushes me the wrong way right now.

- I'll do all the talking. - Great, that's reassuring.

Well, well, well. If it ain't Mahoney and Tuckleberry.

Where's the black guys does the sound effects?

One of you guys Edward Mesmerberg?

Mesmerberg?

Yes, I am, officers.

Can I help you?

Yeah, we're here to investigate a noise complaint we got this morning

that maybe related to the disappearance of Mr. Reuben Adler.

What? Reuben is missing?

Well he didn't go home last night. And didn't show up for work this morning.

Needless to say, a lot of important people are worried about him.

We have reason to believe this was the last place he was seen.

That is the rumor.

Oh, wait.

Is he a grippy fat person?

Dark hair, well-built. Kinda Jewy-looking.

Excuse me.

Who's your decorator? Amy Winehouse?

We uh... had a few people over last night.

That explains the noise complaints.

I don't know who complained. I mean... the world was here.

Yeah. According to our report we got this morning at 4:48 AM.

That was like, eight house ago? You guys run by the cable company?

Sorry, officers. My friend here, is uh...

- drunk. - I'm not drunk.

I'm a bit tipsy.

Give me that.

We're just getting here now because we were gleaning evidence from Mr. Adler's car,

which was found near LA LAX.

That evidence points to a suspect. With a list of priors as long as my johnson.

This guy's johnson.

We spent the next four hours hunting down said suspect,

then the next three interrogating him. I need you to corroborate this story.

Yeah, um...

Said suspect, his name doesn't happen to be, Gunther Shea, does it?

Our suspect is Mr. James White.

- AKA Filipino James. You know him? - No.

Now, see, last night was an alcohol fueled haze.

Just like this afternoon, apparently.

Uh excuse me, we're drinking to remember. It's science, so...

Right, and it's still a little bit hazy, Officers.

You boys wanna go to jail for obstructing justice?

No, sir. But I'm sorry to say we're almost out of booze.

Why don't you collect a few statements?

Love to.

Reuben's in the pool.

- How does a grown ass man drown? - I have no idea.

His sorrow in alcohol.

I'm gonna ask you kindly, son. Put that out.

And I'll tell you kindly...

to go fuck yourself, Dad.

If I gotta ask again, I'm gonna ask with this.

Woo-hoo, I love foreplay.

Oh... I got a prescription.

- Yeah... Let me see that prescription. - Oh, come on.

Hey Kazansky, you getting anywhere?

I don't know. Am I?

Hey Howie. You're not gonna believe this shit. Get over here.

Well, maybe we can be each other's bitch in prison.

Don't worry, I'm hung like a Tic Tac.

Hey, is that what I think it is?

I bought his kid one for his birthday.

He loves the shit out of this thing. Can't stop talking about it, for chris sakes.

Hey, officers. Um... I think that the prescription is in my room.

So this is typical Monday afternoon for you boys, huh?

Slow Monday.

What was that?

What was that?

What the hell are you guys into?

Alright. Someone better tell me what the hell happened here last night?

I'm getting tired at the lack of cooperation we're getting here.

Would you please arrest me or get me out of this because I'm gonna shit my pants.

The next thing I remember I woke up to my girlfriend breaking up with me.

Because she thought I had another girl in my bed.

Who were you in bed with?

- A dead deer. - What?!

What, uh... my, uh, associate meant today was,

hooked up with a deer face chick and she was really gross.

You mean to tell me you don't even know if Adler was here?

Unless you've got something stronger than this. I'm afraid not.

Your friend here better be able to fill in some holes.

That's my specialty.

He's the sober one?

Great!

The band's all here.

Pardon me, Officers. I'm Spencer Bayne, Esquire. I'm with the label.

Mind if I have a quick little band meeting with the guys?

- Please. - Thanks.

Fellas, you might wanna bend over for this one.

As you know, Reuben's missing,

and the suspect's a Hall of Famer in Chino.

Suffice to say, the old man's probably not coming back.

Which means, I'm promoted, and you are fucked.

But we already signed the contract, right?

The papers you signed are in Reuben's briefcase, which never leaves his side.

And since said the briefcase wasn't recovered,

I'm guessing it's probably in a ditch somewhere next to his rotting corpse.

Now, I was going over my roster of bands,

and I just don't think we're gonna be needing your services anymore.

The tour is off. Go fuck yourselves.

- What? You can't do that. - I can. And I will, Eddie.

But you know what you can't do? Play guitar.

Does anyone here realize I write the fucking music?

Chas, you got all the talent in the world, but you wanna fuck me,

- and that's not gonna happen. - Blow me.

- Toss, you gonna be dead by 30. - I'm 34.

I know. That leaves the legendary Gunther Shea.

The only real asset in the band. What do you say?

Thanks?

- What are you doing for lunch? - I drink lunch for breakfast.

That doesn't even make sense.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Eddie, what's the quickest way from here to your girlfriend's mouth?

I'm gonna rip that fashion beard off your face!

Okay, okay, it's cool.

Hey, it's cool. I've got GPS, and I'll find it.

Somebody tell me where the commode is in this joint? I'm growing a tail over here.

You boys better start singing, or we'll bring forensics down here,

drug sniffing dog, we'll come to our own conclusion.

Whoa whoa. Wait, alright.

I'll talk. If I talk, what I say's gonna be used against me in court?

You don't say anything about Adler's disappearance,

I don't care if you plead the fifth.

I always wanted to do that. Yeah, I'm gonna plead the fifth.

I'd like to drink to fifth now, if that's available.

I'd like to drink some water.

Oh, no, thanks.

Give him the water, you punk.

Fucking Vodka!

- You motherfuckers! - Really?

I can't tell.

Where should I start?

Well, we left off with you...

being at a "Gentlemen's Lounge"

with Toss and a female names Layla.

Don't let it die a virgin.

Virgins. Thanks for nothing.

This will smoke itself.

Do you guys, um...

wanna do some Ecstasy?

Don't put a question mark where I put a period.

How about you?

Don't threat me with a good time.

We need music.

I'm coming too! Okay...

Come on. I've gotten bigger into smaller.

I gotta go around.

One. More. Line.

One. More. Line.

One more line.

Yeah, Chas.

Rock star!

I'm just kidding.

I'm just kidding.

- I'm just kidding. - Just kidding...

David Bowie.

Sorry, he got into my panties first, but, you'll have your chance.

- I couldn't pull these off. - You couldn't pull these on.

So, where were we?

We were just talking about that rock star loser who didn't appreciate me.

So you like rock star...

So, you like losers.

What about rock star losers?

It's just a little acid, boys. So...

Who wants me first?

Looks like I'm about to fall off the wagon going 50.

I got dips on the mouth.

Amigo.

Yeah.

Feel like I'm jut being railed like Dumbo.

Thank you for leaving those shoes on.

I always thought I'd be saying this to chas, but Toss,

why don't you come out of the closet?

Yeah, why don't you come over here and hit this?

Oh, well, so, where were we?

Oh, that's right. I know where we were.

You, were just about to blow me.

Ah, yeah, no. It's not gonna happen.

That would be like sucking his dick.

- I blew him and you kissed me. - Not in that order.

Really?

Okay. Whatever.

That's okay. I haven't fucked the guitarist...

yet.

- Where are my notes? - What?

My notes. They were just here.

I seriously have no idea what you are talking about, kid.

You took them, didn't you?

You alright?

The goal gets weird. Weird term pro.

They're all whores.

What are you doing?

Drinking wine. Playing guitar.

Clearly, trying to hook up with myself. You look like shit.

- I can't hear you with that shirt on. - Dude, have you seen Jenny anywhere?

I can't here you with that shirt on.

Help.

Okay.

My brain... is like uh...

hot air balloon.

Cover in a sexless marriage.

So, is that why I'm dressed like a dick head right now? Huh?

Funny. Yeah.

Look, why don't you just pull the trigger and get the rest of that out, alright?

No. The coke's outweighing the booze.

I know Beth had you all fucked up in the head, man.

- But look, you just got... - I'm all fucked up because the LSD...

is stronger than the Ecstasy.

I'm tripping. Balls, man!

I've seen music in here. And colors, man.

Jenny?

This is not what it looks like.

- We were just talking, I swear. - See, there.

You can tell she's lying because she's a woman.

- And her lips are moving. - Shut it, Spencer.

- One more word from you and I'm... - How's my dick taste, Eddie?

- Oh, you touch... - Think about it, kiddo...

You hit him, he wins. No contract, no tour.

You know what? You two deserve each other.

Don't say that, please.

It's gonna be fine, buddy.

- I just miss her so much. - Hey Gunther.

That sound advice coming from a guy who's almost made it, what, like six times now?

He's mine.

You want some creep tonight? Bitch.

I thought they'd never leave.

Slut.

Hey, this is Jenny. Sorry I missed your call, leave me...

It's all I got.

Tell me... you got... the contract.

I did, but...

We want answers and we want them now.

Where is our copy of the contract?

I'm gonna shoot that damn thing.

- What, uh, no, no, no... - Shhh...

What?

Hello, Officers.

- Can I help you? - I hope so.

But I stopped by to help the boys clean up. Is, that all right?

- But you need to... - Give me more, give me more...

- What the fuck was that? - Well, here we go.

Pretty sure that girl just found Reuben's dead body in our pool.

- You're shitting me? - Mom was right.

My first record will be criminal.

Where the fuck is our copy of the contract?

Stall the cops. I know what I have to do.

You guys are on your own. I quit. Remember?

Good thing I'm not talking to you...

Guys, stall the freaking cops. Superman's on it.

Have you see my trunk? I'm gonna save this freaking band.

We got a corpse in the pool. Which means this is now a crime scene. Nobody leaves.

- You know the protocol, rookie. - Come the fuck on. He's dead.

Watch commander this is car W-2K. Investigating a 10-54.

Requesting paramedics at 90201 Hagen Road.

- 10-23 car W-2K. - 10-4.

- Anything? - Tell them to send the Coroner.

I gonna die if I have to make out with this corpse any longer.

Paramedics are en route. Do you need further assistance?

- Yeah. You'd better send the Coroner. - How about some backup?

How about you do your job and let do me do mine?

This dead body ringing any bells for you boys?

Not yet. Amigo. Toss me one of those.

- This is a fucking clown show. - Hey guys, I don't think so.

We gonna take statements form you later, you can't do it if you are drunk.

This maybe the last beer I have before I lose my anal virginity.

Hey, put the beer down.

Never take me alive.

Kazansky, go get him. I'll take it from here. Hey get the old guy, too.

Let me know if you gotta take a shit,

we wouldn't want you wiping your own ass. You old prick.

Looks like we're going to jail, Eddie.

You know, I was up all night thinking...

Thinking? Is that what the kids call a good old fashioned coke bender these days?

Take it easy, baby dick. I know I messed up.

And then I went over to Jenny's last night, and I tried to fix things.

And?

I mean I tried to reason with her, but... she's a girl. So...

Let's just say...

I don't think she's coming back, mate.

Well, well. Looks like you manage to do in one night what I wanted to do for years.

You murdered my boss.

- Eat my dick, Spencer. - Not if it cured cancer. Chas.

You're gay, and your ass sticks.

Mr. Bayne, would you mind identifying the body for us?

Abso-fucking-lutely not. I was too much of that prick when he was alive.

That's fine. Next of kin has been alerted. I'm sure they'd be glad to do it.

Great. I'll be over here, chillaxing.

Want a front row seat for this. Let's go, baby.

You boys are in a heap of trouble.

Wait, hey! It's okay. I remember last night.

Crackpot, crackpot. Remember! Everything...

Right on. Okay! Hm...

Touchdown... ladies and gentlemen.

I don't feel good.

So, this is how you niggas do it up in the hills, huh?

Samuel L. Jackson.

Oh, my... goodness!

Filipino James. Theses are my darlings.

- Darlings, say hello to, uh... - Jenny.

- Bitch, you wanna die tonight? - I was uh, just leaving.

You look upset, baby girl. Wanna talk to daddy about it?

I don't know you but I know what you're doing. And it is not gonna work.

Woo! Sharp tongue. I like that in a bitch.

Excuse me.

Look, we looking for Chas. We the entertainment.

That's typical.

Find that nigga Chas and give him everything that he has coming to him.

Nothing more. You hear me?

Now, who's this whore gotta blow to get me a drink up in this bitch?

Is that your briefcase?

Alright, I think we got some code 45...

It's a...

Nice place you guys got here.

Yeah, we like it, we like it.

- You rent? - Yep, yep, we rent.

It's the worst house on the block, but we're on the block.

Do you have any crack?

Jenny?

- You see her anywhere, man? - What? No, she left. I don't know.

I don't know right now. Give me that. Give me that.

Bitch did not look happy.

Look, you gotta beat that shit out of her before it becomes a fucking problem.

Fuck me.

- You a friend of Chas? - Not anymore.

Damn. That coulda been arranged. One of my bitches.

Honest, hard-working people are trying to do coke.

What the fuck is going on here?

There's a pimp and some entrepreneurs.

- And crack. - And crack.

You boys ready to rock?

Get it off me!

Easy, playa.

What? You're better than me?

Fool! She's deaf!

This chick's got a listening problem.

I'm stuck, you dick!

Time's up.

Lollipops, you off the clock so get up off the cock.

What about me?

I love your accent.

Damn... That's gonna cost extra.

Hey, you got any crack?

Nigga... I'ma crack you.

How much money you got?

Oh, come on. Dude.

I wasn't finished. I know, I think I left a ring inside of her.

Yo cards are all maxed, fool.

So unless you got cash, you're finished.

Look, we got one, two, three, four hos in here.

We've been here an hour. That's a grand easy.

Grand.

I don't have that kinda money.

Nigga, you best give me my money. Or someone has to get, physical.

No James. He's out best customer.

We ain't here pro-boner bitch! You finger fuck yourself,

I'd better get 55 dollars and 39 cents. You understand?

You shouldn't have done that.

Look, I go take a shit, I call that bitch.

What you gonna do about it, hippie?

Run!

Do her.

Save her.

I'm gonna regulate.

Gun!

Hands to heaven, motherfucker.

You don't even know how to use that, bitch.

Okay, okay, hey hey hey...

How about... I cut you both a little discount. Huh?

Say five hundred.

Way to kill Bambi.

Hello there. Are you okay?

My fiance would kill me if we're doing this, but hi. I'm Layla.

If I wanted any lip service from you, I'd let down my zipper.

Oh, okay.

Please, please! Just one rock. I gotta have that crack.

Give it to me, Come on, brother man. I'm sorry I was gonna shot you.

I was just fuc... No, no...

Wait a second,

you're telling me, Chas really is half a gay?

You know I may have a small cocaine and hooker problem.

And apparently you like getting pumped more than a pair of Reeboks.

No. Apparently "Jagermeister" is German for "makes me kiss boy".

Enough. Where's the girl Reuben left with? Layla? Anybody have her number?

I'll suck your dick. Just give me the crack.

- I don't get digits, I give them. - Last night must be an exception.

Hey boys, take it easy. Take it easy!

All right. Everybody calm down. Right now, you hear me?

- Okay, okay. - I say calm down, you hear me?

I regret nothing!

Son of a bitch!

- Lookit, lookit what I found. - You found the briefcase.

- What the shit do you care? - You should care. It's Hermes.

Oh, what kinda party are you all having, why wasn't I invited?

I'll take that. This is company property if I'm not mistaken, right Officers?

A long as it doesn't have any evidence pertaining to the body.

- At least I get one phone call. - I just hope she answers.

I'm far too fucking pretty for jail.

How am I suppose to get drugs in the clink?

I just wanna to rock one stadium with you guys. Once.

You guys will shit yourselves. And your pants.

So every time I ever get shot a big time...

You shit yourself, Gunther.

That douche bag is right. Right now, I'm a fucking loser,

- Eddie quit the band, Toss needs rehab. - I don't need rehab. Rehab needs me.

Chas is Chas.

I'm so over the hill, when I look back, it's like I'm sliding out a mountain,

but I do know this... we play nice.

Even though we have no idea how to play nice.

Eddie,

out of my six shots at rock stardom,

this is the only time, one time, I thought I had a legitimate chance.

That's because you write the music.

I mean it.

Well, I'd rather go to jail than go on tour with you selfish pricks.

Fine. You wanna quit the band? Quit the band, kiddo. Bands come and go...

but this was more than a band.

And these pricks, as selfish as they are...

never quit on you. So who's in?

Amigo!

All we need,

is somebody to write us couple of really great songs.

Come one.

Come on!

It's definitely dysfunctional. But it's family.

- I love you guys! - Yeah!

There you go. Come on!

Stay away from the pretty one, I think it's contagious.

David Bowie!

Yeah!

Oh, my god. No!

- Hello boys. - Jenny?

- What are you doing here? - Here to help.

I had my whole life ahead of me.

Look who strolled into the office a hour ago.

Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

I can't live without you. I can't pay rent.

You thought that guy was me? I'm way better looking than that.

Wait, are you Reuben Adler?

- In the flesh. - Then who the fuck is that?

Why god? Why Geoffrey?

I better be in that will, you motherfucker.

No call, no email, no text.

Man, boss, we've been worried sick about you.

I'm sure. Is that why you tried to exercise power of attorney?

Yeah, I was trying to protect your interest.

Yeah. We're gonna need a statement from Chuck.

We're gonna need a statement from you as well, Mr. Adler.

- We were carjacked. - It was awesome.

It made us realized how short life could be. So...

I chartered a plane to Vegas. Guys, meet the fifth Mrs. Reuben Adler!

Come here, baby.

While I'm alive, why is my favorite band still in handcuffs?

There still is a matter of the dead body we found in the pool.

The only offense they're guilty is, throwing the greatest party ever.

Take them off.

Reuben...

the company could face a major lawsuit.

Maybe we should consider cutting our losses here?

Are you shitting me? You can't buy press like this.

We'll go platinum in a week. Days!

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Are you sure they are not more trouble then they're worth?

Spencer, you have a horrible fucking taste.

Is that my Hermes briefcase?

Why is their contract covered in...

piss?

- Look, this is, is... - I don't want excuses.

I want that contract re-drawn,

and I want these guys in front of fifty thousand people tomorrow night.

Yes!

- But, but, but Reuben... - But what?

Listen, okay? Just think this one through. Please!

Fine.

You're fired.

Bullshit!

You wouldn't know how to wake up without me.

You know, that sounds a little gay.

Have your office cleaned out by the time I stroll in around noon tomorrow.

Oh, man. You gonna fucking regret this, old man. That is a promise!

Officer, I'd like a restraining order against this guy.

- Hey, hey, hey... - Jesus.

Mr. Adler, hi, um...

Can I hit him?

I don't know.

Can you?

Yeah!

- Nice shot! - Huh?

Chuck he says this man in the pool, is his um, lover, Geoffrey.

We got into a fight. He must have gone on one of his bender and...

There, there, Chucky. I know how hard this must be for you.

Why don't you do sit down. Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.

Apparently, the deceased was in and out of Betty Ford more than, Gerald Ford.

You maybe the luckiest sons of bitches alive.

But we are all going downtown for questioning.

I'll let you out quicker than Lindsay Lohan.

Don't worry, boys.

Thank you.

You... kinda save the day.

- Thank Chas, actually. - What?

Rhythm guitar, Eddie.

You are only rhythm guitar.

We do have the worst timing.

We both wanna lead.

And you know that I wouldn't make uh...

- that mistake twice, right? - I know.

I'm sorry, Jenny. I'm sorry for all that.

Me too.

So... what now?

Go on tour. And um...

I'll be here when you're back.

One of those... if it's meant to be, it's meant to be type of deals, huh?

Yeah, I guess so.

This is all so very...

Rock and Roll.

All right. That's enough.

Well... now it's time for the real party.