Original subtitles

[upbeat music]

- I just don't understand why you have to move to California.

- Because the job is with Zephra,

and Zephra's in California.

- Okay, maybe I'm not following

because my whole face has gone numb

and I just hear my own blood.

- Wait. Is Jonah going too?

- I think I would have gotten the heads up

if Jonah were leaving, and I didn't.

So he's not, so we can just stop talking about it.

- Actually, uh, yes. I am.

I'm going, so...

- Ahh. - [Bleep], yeah!

Together, baby!

All you [bleep] haters can suck it!

- So when do you become a soulless suit

and forget about the little guy?

- No, it's not--

the whole job is being a liaison to Cloud 9,

so I'm still gonna be working with you guys.

And they're still ironing out the details,

but it'll probably be soon.

- Damn it!

Oh, not the California thing. I already knew about that.

I actually knew before Jonah. So, no big deal.

But Brian just texted.

We're supposed to be going to

the Aloha Thunder Indoor Waterpark for a sex weekend,

but it turns out they're closing.

Seems like this coronavirus deal is spreading.

- Whoa! The NBA just announced

they're suspending the season.

all: What? - Wow.

- More cases are popping up

in Oregon, Washington, New York...

- [gasps] You guys, Tom Hanks has it!

all: [gasping] What? No!

- What about Rita?

Does it say anything about Rita?

- Ahh... - Damn.

[upbeat music]

♪

- And Zephra is adamant that we follow

the CDC recommendation of washing your hands

for a full 20 seconds.

- 20 seconds?

That's, like, literally forever.

- It's about the length of two "Happy Birthdays."

So just sing that, and you'll be fine.

- Yeah, but whose name do we insert?

I have a friend named Ty, and I have a friend

named Alexandrina Geneviva.

Those are two wildly different time frames.

- Just say...the name Emma.

- Oh, God. Is this your way of making us

sing "Happy Birthday" to Emma because all of her friends

ditched her on her birthday this year?

- No, that didn't happen.

Emma is very popular,

and she's dating a very cute boy named Braydon.

Very cute.

I don't mean cute like I think he's hot,

because I'm an adult and that would be weird.

Whatever--just wash your hands! There's a virus.

- Hey, any update on when you two lovebirds

are moving to Cali?

- Well, um...

with all of this craziness, they've pushed my start date.

So it's all a little up in the air.

Just like this virus. [chuckles]

Just kidding. It's not airborne.

Well, we don't know that. It could be. Anyway.

- Oh, my God. Hey, everyone's overreacting.

I mean, no friggin' way

I'm missing out on spring break this year.

- Actually, the latest articles are saying

that washing your hands isn't enough.

We should be wearing face coverings,

avoiding large groups.

- Like, say, 50 plus employees

and an endless stream of customers?

- [gasps] That sounds like here.

- Yeah, um... I'll call Zephra.

I'm sure they have more guidelines for us.

But for now, they want everybody to know

that, "We value our employees' dedication.

"You are essential, and the true heroes

during this chaotic time."

- Excuse me?

The SVP of Company Communications,

Sandy Sugarman, just called us heroes?

- It's about damn time.

[chuckling] - Yeah!

- Are we still heroes

if we definitely wouldn't be here

if we didn't have to be?

- I can keep this, right?

You don't care if I keep this, do ya?

["Down With The Sickness" playing over speakers]

- ♪ Get up, come on, get down with the sickness...♪

- What happened to the café?

- Oh, um...

the governor shut down all indoor dining.

- Damn. This is my favorite restaurant.

- Uh, are y-- are you serious?

- Jonah, just let it go. - No, no, no.

Today's restaurant landscape?

Have you tried Barrell and Sage?

If you give me your email address,

I can send you my list.

[whistle blows]

- Let's go, sir. No lingering.

Just pick a conditioner and keep moving.

- Nope, nope. You're fine, sir.

Take all of the time you need.

- Ah, he's just putting on a show.

We all know he's just using it to masturbate.

- Okay, Dina?

Our customers are already on edge.

They don't need us blowing whistles

and yelling at them about masturbation.

- Hard disagree. You heard Sugarman.

We are essential.

Customers are like sheep looking for guidance.

Without leaders, sheep start to eat each other.

So, unless one of us leads,

this place is gonna be littered in haggis

from here to Sunday.

All right, soft hands. Get goin'.

- Sorry. Where's the bottled water?

- Oh! That'll be in grocery.

Just down there and to your left.

- Thanks. - Oh, come on.

I'm not a hero.

I'm not a hero!

- I guess I'm kinda lucky

because now that all concerts are shut down,

I don't have to throw that huge, illegal music festival

for my birthday that I charge people for.

- I don't think I knew about that.

- Oh, really? Tickets are still available.

You should check it out.

- Hey, they still have some!

- Oh, um, sir? If you just wanna wait,

we're gonna, um...

- If you just give us one second--

- We're gonna put it out, so just be chill.

- Attention shoppers.

We ask that you please not physically wrestle things

from your fellow customers.

There's a highly contractable virus out there

that our country does not have a hold of.

None of y'all are listening, huh?

All right. Enjoy the apocalypse.

- Looks like the sheep are starting to eat each other.

- Do sheep eat each other?

- Isn't that what haggis is?

I don't know, Dina said something.

Hey, Mateo?

Did Zephra get back to me about the guidelines?

- Oh, yeah.

They sent over a very detailed, step-by-step--

[scoffs] JK, they're drowning over there.

- Very helpful. Thank you.

- Sandra? What--

[crowd arguing, shouting]

Okay, well, if they're not gonna help us,

then we're gonna have to figure this out ourselves.

[whistle blows]

Okay, listen up!

Everybody in single-file lines.

The only people grabbing anything off the shelves

are the employees,

and once you receive your items,

please proceed to checkout.

Okay. Great.

We've got this under control.

- Oh, yeah. Totally.

I mean, and this is just temporary, so...

- Totally!

I mean, couple weeks, we'll be back to normal.

♪

- So, whenever at all possible, you must remain 6 feet apart.

- Well, is it 6 feet from, like,

the center of our bodies

or from, like, where our bodies end?

- Great question. Um...

I'm gonna say start measuring from nips and tips.

- Sorry, are the men measuring from the nips or the tips?

- I think women nips, men tips.

- Yeah.

- So...ooh.

- Okay! Thank you, Dina.

So, first off, Marcus tested positive for COVID

after attending a spring break party on the lake.

So if any of you have been hanging out with Marcus,

you should leave now.

Yeah, that's what I thought. I just had to ask.

Okay, um, some good news.

- [gasps] Oh, my God. You're pregnant.

all: [gasp] - Jesus, Amy! Again?

- No! - Is it Adam's?

- What? No! - Why would it be Adam's?

- It's usually Adam's.

- I'm not pregnant.

I was going to say

Zephra finally sent over the safety protocols.

Yay.

So, employees must wipe down

the register and credit card machine after each customer

as well as every rolling cart, door knob, bathroom door,

electronic device, and product.

- Oh, okay. So everything the air touches.

Got it. Easy.

- We're also required to wear masks.

- Will they be providing us with masks?

Because I just have this one,

and I've been tonguing it like crazy.

- Well, don't.

And, no, they're focused on

donating masks and PPE to local hospitals.

- So no extra protection?

I'm like a sitting duck in customer service.

You have any idea how wet-lipped

the community is here?

- That's a good point. - Very moist.

- Guys, look. I know that this is hard.

But if anybody needs anything,

come to me and I will do everything I can

to keep you safe.

Also, Zephra wants to reiterate

that Cloud 9 employees are the true heroes

of the Zephra family.

- Damn right! - Oh, you got that right!

- No, Glenn! 6 feet!

- Oh, sorry.

We're limiting toilet paper to one pack per household.

- My kids have separate households.

- [scoffs] There's, like,

no way that baby has its own household.

This is so unfair!

- I know, there's never any left for us to buy

at the end of the shift. - Bo and I have had to

start using newspaper.

The ink's starting to turn our butts weird colors.

Which is cool, but probably not healthy.

- What if we...

set a pack aside somewhere, out of sight,

then at the end of the day, we split it?

- Oh, man. We totally should.

And it's not like we're stealing.

We're still gonna pay for it.

- Of course. - You know what?

Maybe we should also put aside some Dinosaur mac and cheese.

Bo's really into science right now.

- So, no returns on food,

clothing, or anything that looks open.

- Oh, great, more reasons

for the wet-lips to yell at me.

Also, we're out of cleaning spray.

- This is the only mask I could find.

- In the whole store? - Yeah, I think we're sold out.

I mean, most of us are just improvising.

- Sayid, I don't think that's doing anything.

- I know, but Nina and I got in a fight,

and she cut up all my masks.

- Damn. - Okay.

[sighs]

Ahh. Here.

We'll just say that one was defected.

- Feels like you could have just untied it.

- So what are you going to do about everything else?

- You like leopard. - Here you are.

Not technically gloves, but...

- Found more! Here you go.

As long as it's over 60% alcohol,

it kills germs.

- This is 95. Wow.

Is it even legal to sell this?

Here you go. You right-handed, left-handed?

- We should just send Justine home, right?

I can't handle a full afternoon of her fake drunk voice.

[as Justine] "You guys wanna see my boobs?"

[giggle]

- "The only thing I like more than beer...

is twins."

Maybe it is time for humanity to wrap it up.

♪

- Sorry, man.

Looks like you're going to have to keep it.

Next.

- We're not heroes. - Doing our jobs.

Hey, you know, I was watching the news last night,

waiting to record a blooper for my tape,

and they did this segment on "Heroes in Your Neighborhood."

And it made me think...

we could be next.

- Oh, wow.

I mean, can you imagine?

Someone banging a pot for us?

Or a pan? - Ohh.

- Ah-choo!

- Ow, that stings!

Isn't there a lighter setting?

- Yeah, but we need to blast this virus off ya, buddy.

Besides, I've had this new nozzle for years,

and this is the first time I've gotten to use it.

[Muzak playing]

♪

- Are you hiding those until after close?

- Sandra, you're supposed to be on lookout!

- He came from the direction that I wasn't looking in.

- I won't say anything if you store these for me.

- Ugh, okay.

- Sisters are doing it for themselves!

- Okay! We only need, like...

30 more masks.

Jesus, Mateo.

You don't have to cut out their eyeballs first.

- Oh, I know. I just like it.

[phone rings]

That's your line.

Amy Sosa's office.

- Hi, this is Dennis Long from Zephra.

- That's my new boss.

Hi, Dennis? Hi, it's Amy.

Hi, Amy here. - Hey.

So we know you're still managing your branch,

but we thought you could hop on a Zoom call

to help ease you into your new position.

- Oh, yeah! Of course.

Sounds great. - Amazing.

All right, I'll send you the link and you can jump on.

Oh, oh. You mean, like, now?

Like, you want me to ease on in now?

Um... - Yeah, is that okay?

- Yeah, great. - Perfect.

We'll see you in a sec. [click]

- Agh! Sorry, guys.

I mean, I should probably get back to my office,

but I don't want to just ditch you for the new job.

- Amy, it's fine. It's just a call.

We'll finish the bear massacre.

[snip, snip]

- Okay, thank you. But, like,

let me know if anything big happens.

- Like, bigger than the global pandemic?

- I mean, I just saw something about murder hornets.

So who knows?

♪

.

- So, new break room, AKA warehouse.

Mixing it up, keeping it fresh.

But properly distanced, so don't move your chairs.

Whoo-hoo!

- Yeah, fun! Ey?

It's all so much fun. I'm not scared.

Yeah! Come on, yeah!

Whoo-hoo! I like it, I like it.

- Okay, we're going to keep this meeting short today

because I have to jump on another call.

But look at what came today!

Safety supplies!

What is that?

- Anti-looting procedures.

- Oh, wow. - Come on.

- Of course, you see what we did wrong, guys?

If you wanted to be protected by corporate,

you should have been merchandise.

- Hey, if the protests are gonna continue,

we need to protect the store from looters.

- Oh, come on. The looting is overblown.

99% of the protests have been peaceful.

- I'm just saying.

I got into a Best Buy through a window.

- There are also these signs to put up.

"Zephra believes in the Black community"?

What are we, ghosts?

- Yeah, we're not putting any of that up.

But if anybody asks, we put it all up.

- Two kettlebells for Sarah, almond milk for Preeti.

- Janet asked for three cans of tuna,

but I think we should make it four.

It's the least we can do for her these days because of...

you know.

- Racism?

- Wow. That is a lot of orders today.

- Yeah, well, ever since Sayid blabbed his mouth

to everyone about it,

they keep asking us to hide things for them.

- Okay, but big news of the day?

Just finished "Tiger King" episode three.

Carol Baskin? Come on, what a trip!

Definitely killed her husband.

Let's get into it.

- Yeah, sorry, that was, like early pandemic.

No one really cares anymore.

- I think we're all embarrassed we cared in the first place.

- Seriously? Ugh!

Stupid coronavirus.

I wish I never even went to the ICU.

- Am I still freezing?

I think the Wi-Fi's better out here.

- Hey, Elias coughed

so Heather locked him in a bathroom.

Do you think-- - Yep, by the end of the week!

Got it.

- Another Zephra call? - It's nonstop.

I mean, these tech companies love their presentations.

I've never seen people so horny for presentations.

- Hey, Amy, I dropped my mask...

- [softly] Justine, she's on-- - In the toilet.

I didn't pee yet, but it's still toilet water.

So is that okay? - What? No, are you--

Yes, Dennis! I'm still here, hi.

- Uh, Amy's on a call. But if there's no pee--

- Hey, Amy, about the ventilation in my office?

- Yes, of course, Mateo.

I promise you we'll talk about it, I just--

- Hey, Amy, can I--

- Oh, my God, Corey! What?

- I was gonna ask if I could clock out early

to go to the "Black Lives Matter" protest?

- Um...

yes, I'm so sorry.

That--of course. You should.

Not should. I mean, like, you can.

If you want. Anyone who wants to should.

You know?

Whatever you're-- uh-huh!

Cindy, I'm gonna do that right now.

♪ It's always times like these when I think of you ♪

♪ And I wonder if you ever think of me ♪

- Ma'am, please.

- But I have a medical condition!

- Hey, what seems to be the problem here?

- This man is harassing me,

telling me that I have to wear that mask.

- I am only trying to keep you safe.

- Ma'am, listen. You need to put on the mask,

or you will be escorted out of the store.

- This is America! Okay?

I have rights.

You guys are working for Satan, aren't you?

- Oh, no. - Huh? yeah?

You're Satan workers!

- S-Satan? - Here we go.

- Yeah. - He is the one person

that I would never work for!

- Attention shoppers, we're sorry to announce

we are out of paper towels, pasta, flour, and---

- So just--

- Our stuff! - Hands off, employees only!

- I need that pasta sauce. I have a medical condition!

- No, ma'am. Stop!

I'm gonna chase you, I'm just waiting for 6 feet.

♪

- What happened here?

- Uh, if this is upsetting to you,

might I suggest you not look up at the ceiling tonight?

- Okay. Will do looking up tomorrow.

But, seriously, why didn't anybody come get me?

- Well, I tried, but you were on another call.

- I-I-I don't know how to be good at this.

I mean, I told everybody to come to me

and I would take care of them,

but they have me on these calls all day every day!

- Yeah, well, it's too much, Amy.

They're spreading you too thin.

I mean, we barely even see each other anymore.

- Right, and I'm a terrible girlfriend, too.

And an awful mother!

I mean, I see Dennis' kids more than I see my own.

- That's not what I meant. You're just--

You're in an impossible situation.

We all are.

And, I don't know, something has to change.

- [gasps] Oh, my God.

- You said you wouldn't look up!

- Okay, so no morning meeting today.

I'm just gonna hand out shift assignments

'cause Amy's on another Zephra call.

- Not just any call. A big one.

With the CEO.

I forwarded her the link.

- Oh! Really?

That's a big call. I didn't know that.

I didn't even see her before she left this morning.

- Seems like Amy's always on a Zephra call these days.

- She's drawn to that new young job.

Old Cloud 9 can't please her the way we used to

with our creaky joints and our floppy junk.

- Okay, hey. Come on.

Amy might have abandoned us a little, but we're fine!

You know, everything's fine.

In fact, in my panic dream last night,

the person clubbing me to death was Topher Grace.

So...

little taste of Tinseltown for y'all.

- And still, we've managed to see a huge earning spike

from our Cloud 9 stores.

It really speaks to how well things are handling things.

Great job, guys! Way to slay!

[clapping]

Okay, let's hear from marketing.

- Oh, um. Hey, hi!

Hey, Kira. Hi, hey.

Amy Sosa here. [nervous chuckle]

Um, actually, I just have a little bit of a thing

to add to the Cloud 9 update?

- Of course. What's up?

- Um, so Cloud 9 isn't actually doing so well.

I mean, sure, the sales are up,

but morale is way down.

Our employees aren't only scared,

but they're spending a lot of their personal time and money

to protect themselves.

So maybe if Zephra sent over some PPE,

they could focus on doing their jobs

instead of worrying so much

about their own health and safety.

- Sorry, Amy.

You froze after, "Cloud 9 isn't--"?

- Um, I was just saying that

the employees need PPE

and maybe some of the earnings spike

can go towards them.

- Well, yeah.

When you put it like that, that's a really good point.

You know what? Let's look into sending

masks and gloves to all our stores.

We gotta have your backs,

'cause you all have been slaying!

- Yeah, wow! Great, that's great!

Thank you!

You know, it's just so good to know

that you're all really taking care of your people.

- Sorry, Amy. We lost you again.

What'd you say?

- Uh, nothing. Never mind.

Marketing, you're up. Slay!

- Harmonica wants to play Suck and Blow

at her birthday party,

but I just don't know if it's safe.

- Kids are missing out on so much right now.

- Yeah. - Oh, the beer is for you guys.

Just a small thank you for all you've been doing.

- That's so nice!

We should all drink together after work.

- Totally.

Do you think that guy can get us some Ketamine?

- Glenn? What are you doing?

Are you hiding back here?

- What? Ha! No.

I'm just...

counting the pots on the shelves, you know.

To make sure that we have enough and not too many.

- Yeah, well, we need your help back in the store.

- Okay, look, I really think the priorities

should be the pots right now.

- Okay.

Yeah, you know, I've got to admit,

it's pretty nice back here.

It's kinda getting a little scary in there.

I guess even us heroes deserve a little break?

- Yeah.

Well, I mean, if you're scared, you could...

stay and count pots with me.

- Sounds good.

[sighs]

To be clear, I didn't need a break.

I was pretending because you're scared.

Don't even think for a second

I don't know how many pots are up there.

- This is actually kinda nice.

It's been a long time since I've been able

to get drunk at work.

We've been so busy.

- And you guys are the only other people I see

besides Jerry and Tony.

But sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night

and I think I see my bus driver lurking over our bed.

It's probably nothing.

- Well, the one good thing

about being relentlessly exposed to this virus

is that we're all doing it together.

No one tell Justine we're here.

- Hey, uh...

I know you're probably busy,

but a customer just bought us some beer,

and we are celebrating.

Or numbing the pain. I can't really tell which.

- Well, I might actually have some things to celebrate.

- Oh? - First of all,

I think I got Zephra to send us some PPE.

- Whoa, that's awesome.

- And, um... that was Dennis.

He said that the offices are reopening

and they're ready to fly me out.

- Shut up. - I'm going to California.

- Wha-we're going to California!

- We are going to California! - This is incredible!

- Yeah!

- You finally get to have one job.

- Thank God.

- We can finally start our lives together.

- Yes. - It's like, real!

This is huge! - So real!

- Ah! - It's...big!

[laughs]

[lightly uneasy music]