All language subtitles for Sex Guaranteed (2017) [720p] WEBRip [Filmxy.one]

Let's go.

Oh, you're jumping?
That's a good jump.

Get the ball, sweetie.
Get it. Get the ball!

You wanna play
with your brother?

Yeah, babe. See,
come play with Kevin.

Wait, uh, don't you hit
your brother.

Come on, Kev.

Picture this.

A warehouse,
about 20000 square feet.
Windows along the side.

Looks like
an ordinary warehouse.

Until you get closer.

And all you see are heads.

Heads?

What kinda heads
you talking about?

Heads. Happy heads.
Smiling heads. Heads drifting
in and out of the windows.

- A projection of heads?
- Like a jumbo tron?

No, real heads.
Heads defying gravity.

There are heads everywhere.
Everyone's having fun.

Good genuine fun.

The first of its kind
in the state of Louisiana.

Hey, Kev. You feel
like working today, huh?

See, you take the hammer
and you take the nail,

you just swing the hammer.

And then when
all the nails are in,
we get paid.

And then we get to go home.

Kev, I want to ask you
a question.

You think grown ass adults
from Louisiana are gonna come

to a building full
of trampolines
and jump around?

Well, gymnastics and trampoline
are amongst the fastest growing
sports in America.

Well, so is obesity.

No offense, brother, but...
you need to get laid.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. He still
hasn't done any fucking
since the incident?

No.

Why did you have to go bring up
the incident?

I didn't bring up the incident.

All right, that's fucking...
Let's get off my goddamn roof.

We just got here.

Where do you wanna go eat?

I think I'm gonna go
to a titty bar.

Are you gonna
work at all today, Kev?

Just give me a minute.

You know, you gotta forget
about Angie, man.

Maybe the boys are right.
Maybe you gotta
get back out there.

And get laid.

Why don't you fuck a nurse?

I know this nurse, she works
at Tulane.

-Give her a call.
-No, I don't want
to fuck the nurse.

Nurses like to fuck.

I'm not interested. Can we talk
about something else?

Listen, it's time for you
to get back in the game.

I am in the game.

I'm just not having sex.

♪ I'm having sex, guaranteed

♪ My pedestal
I just won't need ♪

You're really starting
to fucking worry me, pal.

There's no curse.
You're not cursed.

Yo, Kevin, got
like a Medusa dick.

You can't look directly
into the eye or it'll turn
you into stone.

You can't let
one girl ruin your whole
goddamn life, Kevin.

Oh, shit.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Fuck. God. God, you're
so fucking stupid, Kevin.

That apron suits you.
You should keep it.

Oh. And please,
take whatever you like
from the Le Creuset stuff.

In fact...

Stupid Kevin.

You're doing okay there, Senor?

Oh, hey.

Yeah, I'm good.

They don't mind
if we take the sodas?

- No, it's cool.
- Oh, that's nice.

Thanks.

No problem.

Guys giving you
a hard time up there?

Who? Oh!

No.

What do you think her name is?

I was gonna go with Muriel or...
or Sasha

You think Sasha's married?

Uh... yeah.

Maybe, yeah.
I don't know.

One thing I can tell you
about catering...

some of these girls
really know how to party.

Whoa!

You just got a smile.

What?

- No. I don't think so.
- You did.

- I saw her, man.
- No.

Mmm.

Juicy.

So, is this guy an asshole?

What guy?

Uh, the guy,
whose house this is.

What makes you say that?

Well, he's got a chair
in the shape of a hand.

You don't like the chair.

The only one who has
enough money to buy
joke furniture is...

probably an asshole.

It wasn't meant to be funny.

Oh, shit. I'm sorry. No, you...
you have a really great house.

What's your name?

- Kevin.
- What do you say, Kev?

Call me Hank.

You should come
to my party tonight.

There's gonna be
a lot of women here and...
a lot of these ladies are...

they'd be high on narcotics.

Oh. No, I'm good.

Are you? Are you good?

You're okay.

- Shit.
- Hey!

Party starts at eight.
Hope to see you.

Oh, and... if you want
the hand chair, it's yours.

Oh, I don't know...

- I mean, I feel sad for him.
- What does he do?

- Huh?
- What is he doing up there?

He's a roofer. He's roofing
up on the house, you know?

And he wasn't,
he was a nice guy.

I mean, I didn't get
to talk to him, but...

He shouldn't be giving
people roofies, man.

Show me
that cork trick again.

He showed you
like 30 times.

It takes brains, bro.

Whatever. At least I don't think
my fucking dick is cursed.

What did I say? I don't wanna
talk about it.

Why? Just tell us, come on.

He sounds like an idiot
when he talks about it.

No, because every time
I even think about sex,
something bad happens.

And you bring up Angie today,

and I nearly take off my thumb
with a fucking claw hammer.

-Let me see, let me see that.
-My dick is cursed,
end of story.

Listen, you had
a string of bad luck, right?

Your dick's not
fucking cursed, okay?

I don't know. Maybe if I just
stopped fucking around...

you know, make me...
maybe she'll take me back.

What?

Okay. Let's just
get back to the curse
of the wretched dick.

So, you think it's possessed,

or is it surrounded by,
like, paranormal activity?

Such a good looking kid.

He swears off sex.

Man, that's a crime
against nature.

Are you still talking
about the fucking roofer?

Hey, he just seems so sad,
you know?

You know what
a fucking coke loop is, man?

You're like a hamster
in a wormhole.

I can't, I just, I can't
hear it anymore, Hank.

I'm going insane.

I've just had
a revelation of magnitude.

Oh, Carl, this is big.
Can you see how big?

It's pretty fucking big.

I'm gonna get this kid laid.

This is... This is fate!

I have to get this kid laid.

You're damn straight, you do.

I can see it so clearly.

You're gonna
fucking go down as one
of the greats. I'm telling you.

Okay. Has anyone seen my phone?

Fuck, are you kidding me?

- If you told everyone
to leave their phone here...
- Where's my phone?

Oh, I gotta find him!

You're kidding, right?

- It's too much responsibility.
- I can't deal with that.

Steve!
Steve, we're late.

Kevin, relax!
I'm coming.

Nice outfit.

-Haven't seen that
since first light Communion.
-Better than shorts.

- Why?
- It's a business meeting.

It's Ted! He knows us.

I don't want him
going around telling Angie
we're some kind of joke.

Oh, Jesus Christ, Kev!

You gotta stop stressing out
about this Angie thing,
you know?

I mean, it's been over a year.

It's been nine months.

Close enough.

Okay, so...
Trampoline world.

We'll have
six four-by-four rebounders
over there,

and two six-by-six on that base
in the back there.

Kids jumping everywhere.

3D dodgeball.

Isn't all dodgeball 3D?

Um, 4D dodgeball.

Do people really wanna
go trampolining?

Ah, trampolining is one
of the fastest growing sports
in America.

Funny, I guess I missed
the Trampoline Superbowl
last year.

Sorry, that's in poor taste.

Look, boys, I loved your daddy,
all right?

But he really never was
very good at math either.

Look, what I'm trying to say is
y'all's numbers don't add up.

You see, what happens
to Trampoline world

if you don't make your nut
for the first two months, hmm?

You shut her down?

- Well, no, we just...
- No? So...

how do you make payroll?

How about you
just come in
for ten?

Ten thousand?

I could do that.

What happens to my ten
if you don't sell
the other shares?

Got anything, Steve?

No. I lose it.

Just what I thought.

I just don't get it.

Sorry, I'm out.

- Why didn't you jump in?
- Honestly...

I don't get the plan myself.

You should go
on a vacation or something.

Costa Rica,
Palm Beach would be nice.

I mean, maybe right now
is not the right time
for Trampoline world.

I mean, it might be
the right idea,
just not the right time.

Well, it has to be.

Huh?

I already put down the deposit.

A deposit? With what?

To knock down the house.

Kevin, you gotta be
fucking kidding me.

Did you even read this thing?

It's a lien.

It's a fucking six month term.

-Dude, you'll lose
your fucking home.
-Not...

if Trampoline world succeeds.

Trampolines. Are you kidding me?

Seriously though,
the female fruit bat,

she licks the male's cock
while they're having sex.

How is that even possible?

She bends. The female fruit bat
is very bendy.

Well, but, isn't the tip
already up inside her?

She doesn't lick
the head, jackass.

She licks the shaft,
makes him fuck longer.

Well, wouldn't that
make it shorter?

Apparently not for a fruit bat.

- Hello?
- Hey, it's me. It's Hank.

- Oh. Hey, Hank.
- You missed my party, man.

Yeah, uh, sorry about that.
Something uh, came up.

I wanna do something

-I can't understand.
-I'm talking
sex guaranteed, man.

- What's "text guaranteed?"
- Not text, sex.

Oh, sex.

I'm here
with this amazing creature.
She's called Zade.

She's amazing.

Now, Zade... wants
to have sex with you.

What, is she desperate?

No, she's not desperate, okay?
This is her job.

Oh, no, I'm not having sex
with a hooker.

She's not a prostitute, okay?

She's...
She's like a...

an expert. Um...

Let's say... a sexpert.

She's just got
a lot of sex-pertise,
you know what I mean?

Oh, uh, that's nice of you, man.
But, that's not really my thing.

Oh, come on, man. Relax!

This is real intimacy.

And frankly, it sounds
like you need it.

Uh, I don't understand
what you mean.

Think of her like a chef.
Like, you know, a chef,
that comes to somebody's house,

cooks up a meal,
but just for you.

And this chef makes
a thousand dollars an hour.

- A thousand dollars?
- Just... listen to me.

This is fate calling, Kevin.

Drop the hammer,
get off the roof,

and get your fucking ass
to my party.

Yo, Kev, what the hell is
"sex guaranteed," man?

That guy Hank just called me
and invited me over
to have sex with a hooker.

- Can you believe that?
- A prostitute?

He's out of his mind. I'm not
having sex with a hooker.

Hookers don't count.

- Everyone counts.
- Not hookers.

It's not the same another girl.
They're a subset.

So, what was
the thousand dollars about?

I guess that's how much
she costs.

A day?

I think an hour.

Oh, you gotta do it.

That'd be like fucking
a professor of sex.

She's gonna know
more shit than you've
ever even thought of.

It's gonna be like,
like caving with like a miner.

Nah, nah, he's right. This could
be good for you, Kevin.

Just confront your fears.
This could break the curse.

Well, I'm not doing it.
It's just stupid, I'm going...

Oh, you're doing it.

Man, and, dude might
throw you some cash

for you know,
your bouncing heads
and what not.

Yeah, I mean I guess I could
stop by, and then I wouldn't
have to have the sex, right?

I didn't say that shit.

"I guess" No, no, no.
Do the fucking math, Kev.

It's a rich guy getting
fucked up
in a goddamn mansion.

This is your investor.

Come on, we're going right now.

I wanna go to the party.

- That's a weird motherfucker.
- That is fucked up.

Did we just not get invited
to the party?

- I guess not.
- That's some bullshit.

These are the rules
of Egg fight.

Open hand strikes only.

There will be no fists allowed.

Should the egg crack
on your mouth,

spit it out, stupid!

Because you are
the vanquished man.

All right. Commence!

You have offended me.

I think I'm gonna start
with the fastest growing stuff
first and then move

into our big vision
for the place.

Maybe you wanna play along
a little bit before, you know,
you start asking for money.

Look, if I grab
the whole investment block
here today,

I mean, I can take Angie
to the place, I could show her
the lease...

Forget about Angie.
This is about money.

If this guy wants
to get you laid,
then let him get you laid.

You gotta do whatever
this guy wants,

so that he will give you
the money.

It's a logical investment.

I know it is.

Just go in there and have sex.

I'm not having sex, Steve.

Go on, get the fuck out of here.

Be a man.

Give me a min.

Hi. Um...

I was invited by the owner
of the house.

Ah, Jesus. Sorry. Um...

I'm taking a shit, bro.

Oh, um, sorry.

Go, go, go, go.

That's how you do it!
That's how you do it!

Get it!

You looking at me crazy?
I'll fuck you up, mister.

What do you say, Kevin?
You made it, buddy.

I thought you might
not show. Drink?

Yeah, sure.

- Take a seat.
- This is the guy?

Kevin, I'd like to introduce you
to Zade.

Zade, this is Kevin.

Hi. I'm Zade.

- So, how's life, Kevin?
- Life's good.

There you go, Kev.

Try that.

You know that business
I was telling you about,

yeah, it's... trampolining.

Mmm. Jumping.

You got a business model
for that?
How do you monetize that?

Yeah. Um, trampolining is one
of the fastest growing sports
in America.

They have them in schools now.
It's huge in Asia.

And how high do people get?

Well, three footers average,
but professionals get
a bit higher.

- They got all kinds of stuff.
- Like what?

Well, there's
Sky Slam basketball.

Foam pits,
synchronized trampolining.

Synchronized trampolining?

- There's synchronized trampolining.
- -That's crazy.

Yeah, you just get
two trampolines side by side,

with some athletes on one
and the other and...

That's what you got there
on the metal section
at the Olympics.

Yeah, now we're
in the rhythm, see?

This is... this is great.

It feels pretty good.

- Yes!
- With weekend traffic,

we expect 500,
and with an entry fee
of $12.20.

it's gonna be a real earner.

How many of these trampolines
have you got over at your place?

And how many people can actually
synchronize at any one time?

Oh, we're thinking of starting
with, you know, 30...
30 trampolines.

Ooh. Huh.

I could actually take you guys
there right now.

-Wait, wait, wait.
No, let's do...
-What?

Let's do... on the count
of three and then we'll do
like, a starjump.

- Okay.
- Okay.

One, two, three.

- Yeah.
- Sorry.

Let me tell you something,
that is a terrible investment.

Kids... they're
unreliable, fickle.

-Think about the liability.
What would happen to you?
-Carl, please. Come on, man.

He's speaking about his dream,
his passion.

His passion.

Right!

I want you to two
to get to know each other,
have a little alone time, okay?

Citizens, everybody!
We're all moving
to the tennis court

- right now.
- Tennis!

- Whoa, we'll come with you.
- No, no, no, no.

Zade here, she's going
to make everything all right.

Yeah, but...

I want this to happen.

Yeah.

Wait a minute,
how come she can't come with?

Carl! Tennis court, man,
come on!

Okay. Um...

- Hi again.
- Hi.

You guys head to the game room,

grab the rackets,
I'll meet you on the court.

We got it. Hey,
where are you going?

Putting on my whites.

Do you wanna watch me
touch myself?

I'd fucking love to cum.

I get really wet really quick.

Um, that is cool.

Um, what do you like?

I'll do anything.

Want me to be someone, hmm?

Who do you want me to be?

It's not that.
You don't understand, okay?

None of this was your fault.

I was broken and useless
before you left me.

It's like I don't even
know how...

regular people breathe anymore.

And I, I love you and I wanna,
I wanna thank you for being
so patient with me

for so long.

- Ya!
- Ya!

- Ya!
- Ya!

There will be a lot
of porking now.

I will be shtupping you, oh ya!

- Ya!
- Well, I've learned now...

that I'm not good enough
for you, Karen.

Never was.

Not even good enough
for this world anymore.

But for once...

for once I'm gonna do
the right thing.

Au revoir, Cherie.

Au revoir.

I like that.

I like that a lot.

Feel how wet I get.

Yup. But, um...

Look, you're so hot, okay?
It's not you, it's me.

What do you want?

You wanna get weird?

No, I don't wanna get weird.

I want to fuck you.

- Okay.
- I'm getting paid to fuck you.

If I don't fuck you, I look bad,

and this is a new gig for me,

so how about you just
let me fuck you

and we both go
about our business.

Look, obviously, I want to,
okay? You're beautiful.

But, I'm on a hiatus right now.

There's this other girl, okay?
Well, it's her hiatus, really.

But I just... I'm not
having sex right now, okay?

I'm, I'm happy to lie for you.

- I'm a good salesman.
- Oh, fuck you.

He won't fuck me, sorry Hank.

I will fuck her.

I actually don't.

It'll make you feel better,
Kevin, please.

I'm not gonna beg him.
We were having fun
before this asswipe showed up.

I'm sorry, I'll go.

You're not going!
How's about that?

Kevin here wants
to win his lady back

and thinks that celibacy is
the way to go.

Not always the way, you know?

Absolutely not! If you really
want her back,

the first thing you should do is
fuck me.

She makes
a compelling argument, Kev.

Why don't we just go
somewhere quiet
so we can at least talk?

Look, if I told you the reason
I don't wanna do it,
you'd understand.

No one's judging here.
It's a house rule.

This is
a no-judgment zone, okay?

It's personal. It's...

I've got this problem...

with my dick.

-Is it a wart?
-No, it's not that kinda thing.
It's...

It's like my dick is cursed.

What?

There's no such thing
as a cursed dick.

Really? 'Cause I've fucked
things up in my life
and all because of my dick.

And I've decided to just kinda
leave it alone for a while.

You're leaving your dick alone?

Yes. Look, I get it, all right?
I'm a freak, but...

Don't call yourself a freak.

You can share anything with us.

The first time
I jerked off, right?

I'm in bed sick,
home from school, and...

I'm watching TV
and the shuttle Columbia
breaks apart on re-entry.

You think you made
the space shuttle explode.

Indirectly.

Kevin, that was an accident.
You can't take that personally.

First girl I had sex with
almost died.

Zade, please.

I'm serious. We were 16.
And we'd been dating
for about a month.

Well, their parents were
out of town so we had
a little wine.

Well, we started making out,
and I finally get this condom on

and I'm going in and out

and we're making noises
and she starts to scream,
so I think I'm doing awesome.

But then...

she ruptured a cyst
or something.

And she has to have surgery.

And for the next three days,
we're in the hospital.

She had them before she met you.

You're missing the point.

Nine months ago, I was engaged
to the most wonderful girl
in the world.

We were at our joint bachelor
and bachelorette party.

Wait a minute, that's not
you being cursed.

That's you getting caught
getting a blowjob
off a stripper.

Yeah, because I'm
a horny asshole

and I just should have said no.

Anyways, I tried
to explain myself.

Angie, wait.

Angie, she tied my hands! Angie!

She moved out the next day.

Because of my dick,
I lost the one thing
I truly cared about.

I mean, that's the saddest story
I've ever heard.

His dick isn't cursed.
He just got caught cheating.
End of story.

No, no. That's way
too many things
to happen to one guy.

He lost his one true love.

There's nothing worse
in the whole world.

He's just a narcissist.

How am I a narcissist?

You think the world revolves
around your dick.

I don't want it to,
it just does.

No. Shit happens.
It's just life.

Didn't you hear his story?

This man is cursed.

This is
fucking ridiculous.
None of this is connected.

Let's just have sex.
Nothing bad is gonna happen.

Are you serious, right now?

After everything I just told you

you still wanna
have sex with me?

Trust me, I know what I'm doing.

And we don't have to have sex,

I can just
touch it a little bit,

Just do it, Kev. Give it a try.

See, isn't that nice?

-Guys, Carl's in trouble.
We need help. Come on.
-Oh, shit!

Fucking...

Jesus.

It won't go down.

Yeah. Too many
little blue pills, baby.

Oh, shit!

Oh, there's
something wrong here.

- I'm in pain!
- Carl.

Be honest with me
how many did you take?

A 130 milligrams.

God, man.

You're not a rhinoceros.
Get some ice, Kevin. Now!

Oh my god.

Breathe, breathe.

- I got ice.
- All right.

The hell is this?

Ready?

- No! No!
- Hold on.

-Okay. Okay.
-All right, Carl.
Listen, you got this.

You can do this,
I know you can, all right?

It's like an itch. You just
have to disassociate
yourself from it.

Fucking itch!

Trust him, Carl.

Okay, look. I haven't had sex
in nine months, okay?
I know what I'm doing.

Just listen to me, right.

What I want you to do is
imagine you're Anne Frank.

Remember the
little Jewish girl
in the attic?

She had to lie real quietly
otherwise they were
gonna shoot her.

- I remember fucking Anne Frank!
- Okay.

All right.
Just close your eyes,
you're in the attic.

You can hear the sound
of the boots on the cobblestone.

Don't make a sound, okay?
Don't even move.

Otherwise the Nazis are
gonna get you.

I don't give a fuck
about the fucking Nazis!
My cock is going to explode.

Please take me to the hospital.

Carl, what you've got is called
Priapism. No hospitals.

I know a better place.
Zade, straight ahead.

Whatever you say, boss.

Do you ever notice how...
people are only really real
when they're sick,

- or they're dying.
- Or orgasming.

Bad things always come from sex.

Oh, shut up.

It's true. Without sex
there wouldn't be fighting,
divorce, wars.

What the fuck
are you talking about?

Without sex, there is also
no release, no fun.

Okay. Bad things come
from recreational sex.

What's recreational sex to you?

Careless sex.
Sex that nobody put
any thought into.

Oh my God, you are a freak.

- What's in this?
- IV therapy. They had
my recipe on file.

- Fuck yeah.
- I'm serious.

I'm not gonna let
this guy's life be ruined.

How are you gonna do that?

That's nice, Hank,
but there's nothing
you can do.

I need to just...

make my business a success
and hope that Angie sees
I've changed.

Yes. That's it. You got it!

You're gonna go to Angie's,

you're gonna tell her that
your trampoline thingy's
got off the ground

-and you're a new man.
You're a genius!
-Yeah, but...

- But that's not true.
- It is true.

You let me fix this,

and I'll invest
in trampoline world.

What?

I'll give you the money.

You're, you're gonna
give me the money?

I'll give you
the startup funds, yes.

How much can it cost?
250, 300 grand?

I need 60,000 dollars.

You only need 60 grand
to start a business in America?

What a fucking great country
this is, huh?

All right, I'm gonna
get you the money.

We're gonna go talk to her,
tell her all about it,

we're gonna clean
this whole mess up today.

We can't go see her today.
I mean, I need to make sure
the business is up and running,

- and then...
- No.

No. We're doing it today.
We're doing it now.

I'm not letting
your one true love get away.

We are going
to her house right now.

I'm not letting you make
the same mistakes I've made.

I'm gonna get this done
if it's the last thing I do.

Why are you being
so nice to me, Hank?

Love is the most important thing
in the world, man.

It's what everything is about.

Without love,
you got nothing. Zero.

I'm not letting
you disappear, Kev.

Come on.

- Really?
- Hello darling.

Can I borrow a pen, please?

This is my only pen.
I need it for my charts.

I'm good for it.
I cross my heart.

Thank you.

Let's see that arm.

Uh, 60, right?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Let's make it 80.
What's the date today?

The 31st.

31st.

- Hank?
- There we are.

Yeah.

I don't... I don't know
what to say.

Just get the girl back.
Then we're all square.

I'll see you outside.

So, how did you get into
this line of work?

My momma was a drug addict.

She introduced me to it.

My daddy skipped out on us
when I was 12.

I'm fucking with you.

I like sex.

I pretty much fuck everyone I go
on a date with anyway

so I thought
I might as well
get paid for it.

- Isn't it dangerous?
- No.

- What if you don't wanna do it?
- I don't do it.

- Isn't it degrading? I mean...
- Here's the deal.

Sandy's gonna stay with Carl.
I've given her combat pay.

So she's gonna get him up
and moving out.

I feel fantastic.

Okay. Pop the trunk,
I'm gonna change.

Thank you, Zade.

Always gotta be prepared.

Okay. So, let's focus.
Where do we find this Angie?

Well, I can't just show up
at her work.

Why not? What does she do?

Well, she's a school teacher.

Of course, she is.
I love teachers.

What does she teach?
Reading? Math?

P.E.

-She doesn't teach trampolining
by any chance?
-No.

I mean, she does
but that's not all she does.

- I mean, she...
- I love this.

We're gonna go to the school.
She'll be getting off soon.

You're gonna
tell her you're sorry
in front of the kids.

It'll be like
in all those films.

Then the kids will
tell her to kiss you.

It'll be great.

I don't think we should go
anywhere near her work.

Do you want the 80 grand or not?

Oh, boy.

Okay.

You're gonna go in there,
you're gonna tell her
you're a big success now,

and that you want her back.

And why is she gonna believe
that I'm some big success now?

Because you got my IOU.

- Yeah, written on my arm.
- It sure is.

Okay. Then I'll take a photo.

I'll take a picture of your arm
and it'll act a legal note.

Why don't you just
write him a check?

Yep, okay.
What's your name, Kevin?

Uh, MacDonald. M-A-C, MacDonald.

All right. We're gonna
wait for you here.

This is a bad idea.

-I mean...
-First of all,
it's not a bad idea.

Okay? And frankly,

personally, I'm insulted
with your negativity.

You've gotta show this woman

that you're invested
in her, man.

You can't just send her
a fucking email.

You gotta do something dramatic,
that's romantic.

Yeah, but...

it's just not normal.

Well, let me tell you something,
Kevin MacDonald.

All grand passions are abnormal.

That's what makes them grand.

Go get 'em, kid.

Here goes nothing.

Hey, should we go with him?

Man, I hated school.

- Me too.
- I loved it.

Best time of my life.

Being a kid.

Is this whole trampolining thing
a ploy to get her back?

No.

-You know she didn't leave you
because of the blowjob.
-Shh, come on.

No, but she did.

No. No one ever
leaves someone
because of sex.

What are you talking about?
People leave each other
all the time because of affairs.

They don't. They leave
because they don't
love each other enough.

And that's why
the affair happens.

Well, I love Angie. Always have.

- Not enough. You wouldn't have
gotten a blowjob if you did.

Here we go, game time.

Can I help you?

Uh, yeah. We're here to see
Angie Cooper.

And who are you?

I'm just a friend,
an old friend of hers.

And who are you two?

We're new friends.

I remember
the chairs being bigger.
Does everyone say that?

Miss Cooper isn't in today,
she's ill.

Oh, god. What's wrong with her?

Well, I can't divulge
personal information.

I'd be happy
to send her a message.

Great, yeah. If you could
just tell her that Kevin...

No, no, that's fine.
Uh, I'll call her.

- Mmhmm.
- Thanks.

Lame.

- Lovely school.
- Thank you.

♪ I've got it made
I've got 'em bayin ♪

We're gonna spread out.

She's sick, so she's vulnerable.

We need to put together
a care package that says
"I love you,"

that says "I'm gonna
look after you forever."

I'll take aisles one and two,
Kevin, three and four,
Zade, five and six.

How long have you known him?

Nine hours, give or take.

You think this is
a good idea?

Wouldn't you think it was weird
if your ex showed up
at your house

with a stranger and a pros...

Another lady?

I'd probably find that weird.

But that's also why I like it.

You'd like it?

Why not? Shows imagination.

Maybe but Angie's not like you.

How is she different?

I don't know. She just doesn't
talk about sex all the time.

I get it. Holy shit.
You're a fucking prude.

- I'm not a prude.
- Then why do you squirm

at any mention
of anything sexual?

Prudish.

Not prudish. I am not prudish.
Not at all.

Then prove it.

What are three words
that when put together
get nasty?

I'm not doing this.

Puny. Blood. Fuck.

- Would you stop?
- Aw, you can't think of any?

- Three words.
- I'm not playing, Zade.

You are not very mad at me,
are you, Kev?

- Smelly poop truck.
- That's it!

Three more, disgust me.

You know, you're really smart,

and really pretty,

you don't have
to be so aggressive.

Ever raise your voice, Kevvo?

Ever get mad and just let rip?

Anal, lick, prolapse.

Baggy, vag, mouse!

Oh!

I'm really sorry,
I was just making a joke.

Well, what was the joke?

Excuse me?

I didn't hear it.
What was the joke?

- Knock Knock.
- Who's there?

Isabel.

Isabel who?

Isabel necessary
on that bicycle?

Shit, I'm sorry I even asked.

I thought that was funny.

We totally fell apart
back there.

- I did not!
- No, you did.

Like a little girl.

And that isn't
technically a word by the way.

Well, you're not
technically a businessman.

- Yes, I am.
- No, you're not.

Look at you, you look
like a guy who cleans a pool.

- Ew?
- She's right.

We gotta get you looking sharp.

Like Angie's idea
of an entrepreneur.

Let's go shopping.

Come on.

I'm doing this for you, Kev,
come on!

Is it true
what they say about guys
with medium-sized feet?

Zade, pick out a pair
if you want.

No, thanks. Not really my style.

Should I have
gotten Carl a suit?

You know what,
I haven't heard from Sandy.

All right,
so when she opens the door,
what should I say again?

You're telling her
that you've succeeded.

Okay? You're gonna
show her the check,
and that you're sorry.

That's... that's too strange.

All right. Tell her
that without her...

you're nothing but a shadow.

Tell her that...

your heart...

is like a mold hedgehog...

smashed up against the blades
of a lawnmower.

Zade, what do you think
I should say?

Tell her you want
to much her pussy.

- How's that fit?
- Oh...

It's a bit roomy.

Hey Zade, keep trying Sandy,
will you?

Hank, you need
a new phone.

Yeah, I'd go down half a size,
Kev, I mean, it all depends
on the choice of sock.

Yeah, I'll go down
half a size.

I agree. Here.

What would you say?
Seriously, Zade.

Maybe don't talk about yourself
so much.

Tell her
that she's your miracle,

that without her
your life means nothing.

Tell her that she's
more beautiful than
a full moon in Montana

or the poetry of Rumi,

or any other beautiful thing
that man or nature has yet made.

Tell her that she's a genius
of Einstein-Ian proportions.

And that she's sexy,

and does sexy well.

And that you really, really,
really love her.

Wow. Say, that was really...
it was really good.

That's an handsome fit, sir.

Great, we'll take 'em.

Let's run for it.

Stop! Wait!

Come on, people! Come on!

We got this.

It wasn't the clerk's fault.

Those plastic tags are
a nuisance.

But a straight razor gives us
a concealed weapon.

I have a collection.
That's an antique.

That doesn't mean
that you can carry it.

I sincerely apologize, Officers.

Look, you have to understand
where we're coming from.

You were running through a place
of business with a weapon.

It was all part
of a romantic gesture.

My... my friend here lost
his true love.

We're giving him a makeover.
He's gonna win her back.

Come on, guys.

I'm not against
romantic gestures per Se.

It's true. He's not.

Officer, it was
a misunderstanding, come on.

I'm moved by your argument.

So I'm gonna let you go
with a warning.

But we're gonna keep the razor.

Thank you, Officers.

Give love, get love, sir.

Can I give you a hug?

Now that's unfortunate.

I can't believe
they couldn't look
the other way.

Drugs are drugs,
they couldn't have looked
the other way.

You're
such a fucking prude.

Where are we going?

I need shoes.

Hang out in the car.

Where are we?

Look, wait in the car.
I'll be back in a minute.

Zade?

Is this your brothel?

No-one says brothel.

Jesus, Zade.
What the hell
are you doing?

You fucker.

Come on, Zade.

Jesus, they're all at it.

What the fuck!

Fuck it.

Where are you, Zade?

May I help you?

No, no.

I'm here to see Zade.

- Zade?
- Yeah. Zade. Uh...

I think she works here.

Well, that's funny

'cause it's just my family
as far as I know

and, well, some might
call that work, I...

Sorry, um...

Must be the wrong address.

Kev?

I told you to wait in the car.

I'll be down in a minute.

I think you should come in.

Okay. Lemon juice,
sugar and water.

Tell me if it needs
anything else.

And how exactly
do you know Millie?

Millie?

Uh, Millicent, my daughter.

Oh. Um...

We met through a mutual friend.

- Mutual friend.
- Uh, work friend, really.

Kevin,
are you a rider, too?

No.

Well, what is it exactly
that you do?

I'm in construction.

Mmm. My daughter knows people
in construction?

Well, a mutual friend
through party and then,

and Millie was there.

Was Monique there?

No.

Monique is a friend of Millie's.
Great tits.

She used to come over
and do backstrokes in our pool
every afternoon.

What a lovely way
to spend an hour.

Watching her tits go up
and down the pool.

Up and down, and flopping down.

I'm actually getting out
of construction. Uh...

Gonna start my own business.

I'm gonna call it
"Trampoline World."

It's gonna be
this amusement park
in the warehouse district.

We're gonna have
Sky Slam basketball,

uh, foam pits.

-We actually have a lot of...
-Kevin, there's nothing wrong
with construction.

We should split.

If you'd like
I could send you
some literature.

Trampolining is one
of the fastest growing sports
in America.

It actually just got featured
in Delta's Sky magazine.

Our friend's been arrested,
we should go.

- Arrested, for what?
- Drugs.

Millie has
such colorful friends.

What's Monique doing these days?

Okay, let's go.

Thank you for the lemon stuff.

- Shut up.
- I didn't say anything.

- You were thinking it.
- Nope.

I'm not a liar, I just
don't feel the need to tell
everyone everything.

Okay.

- Don't judge me.
- I'm not.

You have
a beautiful home.

It's really nice.

You really shouldn't be
doing this, you know?

I mean, any guy
with half a brain
would call you back.

You could have,
like a really great job.

I have a job.

Yeah, but it's... it's dirty.

It's not like you need
the money.

Are you fucking kidding me?

- What?
- You are judging me, asshole!

The only reason you're
going through with any of this
is because of that check.

Oh, and who is it that charges
a thousand dollars an hour
for their company?

Parasites!

Yeah, well, at least I'm not
pretending to be something
I'm not.

Pretending to be some kind
of hooker or something,
it's rude to hookers.

People don't work at McDonalds

because they like it,
it's a job!

-Your slumming
in it is bullshit.
-Fuck you.

Tourist.

I'm going to get Hank,
I'm driving him home,

and then this whole
fucking shit is over.

♪ Nobody knows

♪ The trouble I've seen

- Let's try that one more time.
- -Okay.

No! Okay.
One, two, three, four.

♪ Nobody knows
The trouble I've seen ♪

Fuck, we're good at this, man.
We should take this on the road.

- You and me.
- Enough of this shit.

Hey, isn't there something
we could do to expedite this?

And who might you be?

Um, I was hired by him.

Lawyer?

No. Personal adviser.

Well, you need a lawyer
to be your personal adviser
in here.

Why don't you take a seat,
and then the judge will see him
in an hour or so?

Keep smiling.

No physical body contact
beyond initial

and supporting embrace
will be tolerated,

and will result in termination
of the visit.

You like barbecue?

Might as well talk
since we're stuck here.

My name's Sonny.

I'm Zade.

Hey man, why don't you just
give her a break, okay?
She's had a tough day.

Zade, why not come sit here?

I'm fine, thank you.

She's fine, thank you.

So, I got this sauce called
"Smokin but not Broken"

Hey, don't, don't do that.
Don't touch her leg.

It's not okay to touch...
people you don't know.

Occasional hand-holding
is acceptable.

Whoa there, brother. I didn't
even know y'all were together.

We don't have to be together
to care about each other.

I'm waiting in the car.

It's not okay
to touch people
you don't know?

So what kinda stuff
do you write?

Stories.

Short ones mostly.

I'm writing one now
about this woman who is
having an affair with this guy,

and then she finds out
that she is only one of many.

It's called
"The other 'other' woman."

I think you'd be a good writer.

- You do?
- Sure.

Why?

'Cause you take chances,

you say things
other people won't.

You're different.

You should feel good
about who you are.

It's the death of romance.

We're living through the murder
of romance.

- Get it?
- I get you. Yeah.

When you're in love,
people do things
they normally wouldn't.

I was sitting there, imagining
the rest of our lives together.

We get a villa in Italy,

she makes the lunch,
I till the land.

Our kids are running
through the sunflower field.

That's fucking beautiful.

Yeah.

There will be
trampolines everywhere.

People bouncing around,
just good clean American fun,
you know?

You're a very strange person,
Kevin MacDonald.

There is gonna be
a juice bar over there.

A juice bar is not sexy.

-It's not meant to be sexy.
-Well, then people aren't
gonna come.

What are you calling it?

Trampoline World.

No, you're not calling it that.

All right,
what would you call it?

- Call it "Tramps."
- I like it.

Get one of those big,
fluorescent signs.

Maybe a bouncing stiletto,
slowly filling up
with champagne.

- Nice.
- You know?

And light bulbs for bubbles.

You see, you are a good writer.

No, I'm not. I just...

write stuff that happens to me.

So, you're
the "Other 'other' woman"?

Don't look at me
with those sad dog eyes,
I knew what I was doing.

I bet it was real interesting.

How would you know?

Oh, right,
because roofers don't read.

But if I did read,
I'd rather read
about the rich girl who lies

than the prostitute.

And prostitutes are sad.

You're rude,

and angry,

and... really, really spoiled

but... you're not sad.

And you're narcissistic,

and indulgent,

but you're not stupid.

Thank you.

What is that?

A harmonica.

- Really?
- Mmm.

But it's so small.

- Does it play?
- Yeah, it does.

Wow.

We should probably go hang.

Okay.

Anybody got the time over there?

You working up there?

So...

What's a prolapse?

It's when either your anus

or your vagina are pushed
inside out of your body.

That's a good word.

Sorry.

I never had any kids.
I always wanted 'em though.

- How come?
- Ah, she wanted to wait.

How dumb am I, huh?

You know, I was never once
unfaithful to her. Not once.

Nah, I loved her wholly,

unabashedly from
the first day
I met her.

She was my everything.

Did she find someone else?

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

She said I was
an emotional cripple.

That she couldn't remember
what she loved about me
in the first place.

People make out like women are
the romantics but it's not true.

We're the knights,
the last of the noble breed.

I'm gonna die today.

Who's after you?

No one.

Well, you let me know...
if somebody's after you,
because I got a guy for that.

Well, looks
like I'm sprung, kid.

Good luck to you.

Keep it in your pants.

Thank you, sir.

Mes ami, superb.

Salut Monsieur.

The happy band are
back together.

Was it terrible in jail?

Ah, it was okay.
I met a nice kid.

Oh, yeah? What was he in for?

He masturbated
on some girl in a bus.

Jesus.

Yeah, he got carried away.

I'd rather someone could come
on me than a booger.

-What?
-It's sterile. It's straight
from the testes.

Booger is a waste.

I bet you think
a blowjob is fine

but you wouldn't blow your nose
in a girl's mouth.

Enough! Let's go
find this Annie.

Let's just go home, Hank.
I think we're done for the day...

No. No way. I'm not
giving up now.

Hank, I... I really don't mind.

Well, I do mind.
I just wasted
half my day in jail.

I'm finding Annie.

It's Angie.

It doesn't matter
what her name is.
I'm finding her.

Maybe we could just take
like small break.

No. Look, something's gotta
work here, okay?

I mean, love...
it has to mean something.

I need to know

that in this world it's not just
pure, disappointing shit.

And I don't care
what you two do,

but I'm going to Annie's.

I got a plan.

Andale.

Just up here
on the left.

Maybe we should just ring
the doorbell.

You said she won't talk to you.

- So, what are we doing here?
- Waiting?

- For what?
- For someone to let us in.

Burglars don't have balloons.

I gotta piss. Hold on
to these, will you?

What...

This is a bad idea.

- Why?
- You don't even like her.

You're just caught up
in the obsession.

You think you're in love
but it's just this stab
of rejection.

Do you wanna be with her?

Really, with her?

I'm going in.

Why? What's so great about her?

You don't have anything to say?

Okay.

Well, good luck with that.

See? Magic.

- Well, hello there.
How are you?
- Oh, is it my birthday?

It is, happy birthday, darling.

Hey, I don't think
I want the balloons.

Lose 'em. Come on.

Is that it?

- Well, go and knock then.
- I know.

You got this.

Be firm.

Be aggressive, Kev.

Angie.

Oh.

- What are you doing here?
- Okay, listen.

I've come to tell you
that I think that you're,
you're like sunsets

- in Montana.
- Oh, god.

- You're like...
- Kevin...

- No, just hear me out, okay?
- Who is that?

I'm no one.

I'm proud of you.

You're like the poetry or Rumi,

and, and, you have
Einstein-Ian proportions,

and I like, I like
spending time with you.

- And I treasure you, and...
- Hey, Angie. Uh...

Five letter word,
starts with an 'L'
insect Steve...

Sounds like Steve.

Is that...

Steve.

What are you doing here, Steve?

Crossword.

What are you doing here, Steve?

What are you doing here?

- What are you doing here, Steve?
- Well, she called me, and...

- She needs some help with her...
- Just tell him.

Listen.

It just happened, Kev.

You're sleeping with her?

-This is just
a misunderstanding...
-Yeah, he is.

We're in love.

- Oh, you're in love with her?
- No!

We made some bad decisions and...

Why didn't you tell me?

Listen, we didn't want
to hurt you.

You said she wasn't good enough
for me.

And you're right.

You're right. And you,

I didn't mean all that shit
about Montana.

Okay? Someone told me
to say that.

And, uh... I got a blowjob
from that stripper because
I didn't love you enough.

Fuck!

Stupid.

- Give me the keys.
- Bro, I'm so sorry.

Listen, I'm gonna find you
the money for Trampoline World,
all right?

- I think it's a fucking great...
- Just give me the fucking keys.

Here.

You can never be a part
of Trampoline World.

Hello. Bet you didn't think
you'd hear from me today.

I'm sorry, I don't know
what to say. I just...
I miss you.

And I want you to know
that you were right

about me being
in a wheelchair emotionally.

I've learned now that...

I wasn't good enough
for you, Karen.

And I'm not even good enough
for this world anymore.

Don't go
into the red room, okay?

I keep all my records
in the bureau

so that you can have
everything that you want.

Take anything.
Leave what you don't want.

- Uh, Hank's phone?
- Hi, it's me.

I am a giant asshole.

All right? I made
a huge mistake, and I'd...

- like to take it all back.
- Is Hank with you?

I realize now that you are
more interesting than anything
in Montana.

And that any movie
or any poetry written...

Just shut up! Where's Hank?

- What?
- Something's wrong with Hank.

What's wrong with Hank?

You have to find him, Kevin.
He's gonna kill himself.

What?

I found a video on his phone.
He's gonna do it. Now. Today.

What? That doesn't make
any sense. He was happy
when we left. He...

He thinks Angie
and I got back together.

That's worse.
That's what he wanted.

Go to the red room. He said
not to go into the red room.

Hank!

Hank?

Oh, my God, Hank!

Where is Hank?

Carl, he might hurt himself,
okay? I need to know
where he is.

He's taking a nap.

Just like everybody else!

Just tell me where he is!

Wait a minute,
wait a minute.
Shut up!

What day is it?

Friday.

Oh, no, no, no.

Oh, no, God. Oh, God.
That can't be good.

Fuck, Carl! Where's Hank?

I told you, motherfucker!

He's taking a nap!

Hank!

Hank!

Hank!

Hank!

Are you out there?

I'm fine.

I wanted to get
a little air is all.

I'm coming up.

It's a long way down, buddy.

Hank, I'm a fucking roofer.

Good point.

I just... wanna talk.

It's been a frantic
last few days, Kevin.

I'm not gonna kill myself
if that's what you're thinking.

That's good.

I just...

wanted to hang out for a while.

You didn't invite me
to this party, remember?

How did it go with Angie?

She was having sex
with my brother.

What?

That's basically it.

Jesus.

God, I am a waste of space, huh?

And this.

This pen, remember that?
I stole it from that nice nurse.

I mean, I am a fucking asshole.

That's not true.

It is true. I'm a dark hole.
I don't make anyone feel good.

Hank, you probably just need
some sleep. Why don't you just
come back inside?

Kevin...

you're a good guy.

You are.

But we're not even
really friends.

And how sad is that?

Look who was at my party,
for example.

Got a bunch of guys
I've barely met,

girls that I've paid for
and Carl.

Carl, for Christ sakes.

I didn't want this.

I just wanted to go out quietly,

have something good happen
before I left.

Something... Something good
is happening.

What the fuck are you doing
up there?

Zade!

You wanna have sex with me?

Get the fuck down from there!

I should let you know
that I'm not hung up
on Angie anymore.

I think I might
love... Millicent.

Why?

You're funny.

You're smart.

Brave.

And?

And beautiful.

You're really beautiful
even when you're
being disgusting.

You're an idiot.

I know.

I'd still really like
to have sex with you though.

Not gonna happen.

Damn it, Zade.

Stop being such a fucking prude.

Okay.

See?

Just come back inside

so Zade and I can have
sexual intercourse.

You're just saying that
to make me feel better.

Well...

If you don't come back inside
and you jump

Zade and I definitely won't
have sex.

How about it?

He jumps,

are you still gonna do me?

Definitely not.

All right.
Enough of this shit, huh?

I don't wanna drink anyways.
Beer is flat.

Wait, hold on!

- Hank!
- Hank!

Pull me up, you son of a bitch!

Is he asleep?

I think so.

There's clean sheets
in the walk-in closet.

Swiss cotton.

Are you sure
you want to do this?

Oh, okay.

You're clenching my feet.

We broke the curse.

So, can I call you?

Well, why would you need
to call me?

So we can see each other again.

That will cost you.

How much is a day pass
at Tramps again?

Nothing bad happened.

No.

I think you should get that.

Okay.

If it's a stripper
don't let her in.

Okay.

Holy fucking shit!

Are you okay?

I'm okay. I'm okay.

- I'm okay.
- Okay.

- Okay.
- Okay.

I'm okay.

I'm not cursed. I'm not cursed.
I'm not cursed.

Hello.

I pressed the bell.

That's right, you did
press the bell.

- How are you doing, buddy?
- Good.

Good. Kev,

always a pleasure. God bless.

- Ready to go to the aquarium?
- Yes, Dad.

Okay. Let's do it. Hi, honey.

How are ya?

Oh, that was a good party.

- That guy's married?
- Happily.

It's classic romance.

You look like the guy
who cleans the pool.

Are you okay up on those heels?

I hate lines.

Girls never have trouble
at the door.

Maybe you can help me get in.

Parasite.

Tourist.

♪ I'm having sex, guaranteed

♪ My better self
I just won't need ♪

♪ I'm gonna pack my bags
With jumbo rubbers ♪

♪ I'm meet a boy for drinks
And supper ♪

♪ I'm having sex, guaranteed

♪ Let's take this down
Burbank Street ♪

♪ I'll play the hand

♪ I don't give a damn
Because I'm ♪

♪ I'm having sex, guaranteed

♪ I'm having sex, guaranteed

♪ I love this stuff
I love my tea ♪

♪ We'll have the stairs
Erect in style ♪

♪ We'll greet the girls
In single file ♪

♪ I'm having sex, guaranteed

♪ Don't mind my hands
I'm feeling free ♪

♪ Thrown in the van
I don't give a damn ♪

♪ Because I'm

♪ I'm having sex, guaranteed

♪ I'm having sex, guaranteed

♪ My thinking cap is
On my knee ♪

♪ Blow whistle, blow

♪ Oh, where did she go?

♪ Because I'll I'm out
having sex, you'll see ♪

♪ My bail is set, so maybe

♪ The county jail is crazy

♪ Conjugal rights could
Save me ♪

♪ I never got your name but

♪ As sure as you're my lady

♪ I'm having sex, guaranteed

♪ I'm having sex

♪ Guaranteed

.srt Extracted, Synced and Corrected
by Dan4Jem, AD.II.MMXVIII