Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:38,913 --> 00:00:41,708
[Welker]
From Nashville, Tennessee,
2
00:00:41,750 --> 00:00:43,668
it's the final
presidential debate.
3
00:00:43,710 --> 00:00:45,545
I'm Kristen Welker,
the latest in a long line
4
00:00:45,587 --> 00:00:48,548
of female journalists the
President hates more than ISIS.
5
00:00:48,590 --> 00:00:50,592
Tonight, I will be muting
the candidates' mics
6
00:00:50,633 --> 00:00:52,719
during their opponent's remarks,
which tells you
7
00:00:52,761 --> 00:00:54,929
all you need to know
about one of these candidates.
8
00:00:54,971 --> 00:00:58,600
Wow! Isn't this great?
Things are going so well for me!
9
00:00:58,641 --> 00:01:00,101
I'm down by ten points,
10
00:01:00,143 --> 00:01:03,438
and my hail mary's calling
Lesley Stahl the C-word.
11
00:01:03,480 --> 00:01:04,606
The "C" stands for --
-[click]
12
00:01:04,647 --> 00:01:06,608
And Vice President Biden.
13
00:01:06,649 --> 00:01:08,568
Hey there, America!
This is the last time
14
00:01:08,610 --> 00:01:10,945
you'll be seeing me in public
till Election Day,
15
00:01:10,987 --> 00:01:12,906
so get a good
looky-loo!
16
00:01:12,947 --> 00:01:16,242
Mr. President,
as COVID cases rise nationwide,
17
00:01:16,284 --> 00:01:18,078
how do you plan
to fight the pandemic?
18
00:01:18,119 --> 00:01:20,080
Kristen, the election's
in like three days.
19
00:01:20,121 --> 00:01:22,082
I got major senioritis.
20
00:01:22,123 --> 00:01:23,333
Basically, I'm only thinking
21
00:01:23,374 --> 00:01:25,668
about the post-election trip
to Six Flags.
22
00:01:25,710 --> 00:01:28,922
This country is a rabid dog
that ran off with the shotgun
23
00:01:28,963 --> 00:01:30,924
that's supposed to
put it out of its misery.
24
00:01:30,965 --> 00:01:33,259
I'm gonna actually
listen to the scientists.
25
00:01:33,301 --> 00:01:34,928
Especially if there's
a real pretty one
26
00:01:34,969 --> 00:01:36,429
who puts her hair up
with a pencil
27
00:01:36,471 --> 00:01:39,099
then lets it down after
a long night in the lab!
28
00:01:39,140 --> 00:01:40,391
Look at me!
29
00:01:40,433 --> 00:01:42,185
Brains and beauty!
Yoo-hoo!
30
00:01:42,227 --> 00:01:44,187
President Trump,
do you believe
31
00:01:44,229 --> 00:01:46,439
America has
a systemic race problem?
32
00:01:46,481 --> 00:01:49,192
No one has done more for
Black Americans than I have,
33
00:01:49,234 --> 00:01:51,611
except for Abe Lincoln,
the only president I know about.
34
00:01:51,653 --> 00:01:53,780
You're dang right America
has a race problem!
35
00:01:53,822 --> 00:01:56,116
Which is why I want to
take us back to the days
36
00:01:56,157 --> 00:01:57,909
when Barack Obama
was President
37
00:01:57,951 --> 00:01:59,828
and white Americans
could feel fine
38
00:01:59,869 --> 00:02:01,788
ignoring the race problem!
39
00:02:01,830 --> 00:02:03,623
Mr. President,
do you see Russia
40
00:02:03,665 --> 00:02:05,959
as a threat to
U.S. election integrity?
41
00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:08,920
For my response, I'd like to
rehash the latest Hunter Biden
42
00:02:08,962 --> 00:02:12,465
revelations using keywords that
can be cut into an attack ad.
43
00:02:12,507 --> 00:02:15,135
Hard drive. Ukraine. Criminal.
Not nice. Bad stuff.
44
00:02:15,176 --> 00:02:17,929
Hey! I'm proud of
my unemployable son!
45
00:02:17,971 --> 00:02:21,266
Thanks, Dad. You love me so
much, it makes me PISSED OFF!
46
00:02:21,307 --> 00:02:23,518
I am the least-racist
person in this room.
47
00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:25,186
Kristen,
I'm looking at you!
48
00:02:25,228 --> 00:02:26,855
I heard you say backstage
49
00:02:26,896 --> 00:02:29,482
that you think Italians
are a little much.
50
00:02:29,524 --> 00:02:31,818
When I'm president,
my number-one priority
51
00:02:31,860 --> 00:02:33,820
will be making
windows tiny!
52
00:02:33,862 --> 00:02:35,113
I knew it!
53
00:02:35,155 --> 00:02:36,948
As we all know,
Barack Obama
54
00:02:36,990 --> 00:02:39,742
was about to start nuclear war
with North Korea,
55
00:02:39,784 --> 00:02:41,494
and I had to run
into the Oval Office
56
00:02:41,536 --> 00:02:43,121
in slow motion and scream...
57
00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:44,497
[slowly] N-o-o-o-o!
58
00:02:44,539 --> 00:02:46,916
Think of the children!
59
00:02:46,958 --> 00:02:51,462
Of which I have four!
Or five!
60
00:02:51,504 --> 00:02:53,089
Shit. We're almost out of time,
61
00:02:53,131 --> 00:02:55,341
and we need to cover
the biggest threat to mankind.
62
00:02:55,383 --> 00:02:57,927
Just some up your climate-change
thing in five words.
63
00:02:57,969 --> 00:02:59,429
Green New Deal but less!
64
00:02:59,470 --> 00:03:01,389
74 years old. Don't care.
65
00:03:01,431 --> 00:03:03,349
By the way, Kristen,
I respect very much
66
00:03:03,391 --> 00:03:05,727
the way you're handling this.
-Nope. We're not doing that.
67
00:03:05,768 --> 00:03:08,855
Kristen, you're acting like
a real Lesley Stahl right now.
68
00:03:08,897 --> 00:03:10,815
Enough!
This whole thing is rigged!
69
00:03:10,857 --> 00:03:14,027
It's completely unfair that
Joe is more likable than me!
70
00:03:14,068 --> 00:03:16,362
I'm leveling the playing field
with a surprise guest
71
00:03:16,404 --> 00:03:18,531
who answered the phone halfway
through the first ring.
72
00:03:18,573 --> 00:03:21,910
Did someone say
"likability problem"?
73
00:03:21,951 --> 00:03:24,037
Listen up,
Dangerous Donald.
74
00:03:24,078 --> 00:03:26,539
Healthy Hillary says
you better kick
75
00:03:26,581 --> 00:03:30,043
this Pokémon COVID
in the Cardi B-hind.
76
00:03:30,084 --> 00:03:32,295
-[audience groans]
-Oh, that's the stuff.
77
00:03:32,337 --> 00:03:35,131
She's like a warm,
unbearably itchy blanket.
78
00:03:35,173 --> 00:03:37,675
Kristen, you couldn't
mute me if you tried.
79
00:03:37,717 --> 00:03:39,302
Stay strong, Ghislaine!
80
00:03:39,344 --> 00:03:41,387
That's all the time we have.
Thanks for joining us.
81
00:03:41,429 --> 00:03:42,555
And don't forget --
82
00:03:42,597 --> 00:03:44,349
the election is in...two weeks?!
83
00:03:44,390 --> 00:03:46,017
Holy fucking shit!
84
00:03:48,186 --> 00:03:51,189
Grab anything that's not bolted
to the White House floor!
85
00:03:55,026 --> 00:03:58,988
[news-intro music plays]
86
00:03:59,030 --> 00:04:01,241
Welcome to Meet the Press.
I'm your host, Chuck Todd.
87
00:04:01,282 --> 00:04:04,160
And contrary to popular opinion,
I have lost all my baby teeth.
88
00:04:04,202 --> 00:04:05,995
Today we're discussing
Trump's latest
89
00:04:06,037 --> 00:04:07,914
"Work From School" initiative,
which would turn our nation's
90
00:04:07,956 --> 00:04:10,124
public schools
into underage workhouses.
91
00:04:10,166 --> 00:04:12,126
Here to respond
are two Democrats so powerful,
92
00:04:12,168 --> 00:04:13,878
they don't feel the need
to flaunt it
93
00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:15,922
with a bunch of fancy
legislative accomplishments --
94
00:04:15,964 --> 00:04:17,715
Senator Schumer
and Speaker Pelosi.
95
00:04:17,757 --> 00:04:19,259
We'd like to go
on the record
96
00:04:19,300 --> 00:04:21,761
disavowing
the Work From School program
97
00:04:21,803 --> 00:04:23,388
as "not nice"!
98
00:04:23,429 --> 00:04:25,765
Let me be clear --
the Democratic Party
99
00:04:25,807 --> 00:04:28,059
only tolerates
child labor abroad.
100
00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:30,270
If President Trump
is not careful,
101
00:04:30,311 --> 00:04:33,147
we will have no choice
but to strongly denounce him.
102
00:04:33,189 --> 00:04:35,858
We're not there yet,
but that strong denunciation
103
00:04:35,900 --> 00:04:38,361
is locked and loaded
on the tips of our tongues.
104
00:04:38,403 --> 00:04:39,612
Strong language, Chuck.
105
00:04:39,654 --> 00:04:41,364
Powerful words
from a powerful Chuck.
106
00:04:41,406 --> 00:04:43,116
-Chalk it up to Chuck, Chuck.
-That's enough, Chucks!
107
00:04:43,157 --> 00:04:45,034
With the President's
popularity sinking faster
108
00:04:45,076 --> 00:04:48,037
than the tit-titular ship, uh,
in the movie Titanic,
109
00:04:48,079 --> 00:04:50,123
Democrats seem poised to control
the House and Senate,
110
00:04:50,164 --> 00:04:51,958
which means a lot of power
for the both of you.
111
00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:53,251
-Yes!
-I haven't a--
112
00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:54,294
I haven't asked
my question yet.
113
00:04:54,335 --> 00:04:55,628
Exactly.
114
00:04:55,670 --> 00:04:58,381
[Pelosi] Look at us.
Televised as hell!
115
00:04:58,423 --> 00:05:00,383
We are damn good
at our jobs.
116
00:05:00,425 --> 00:05:02,885
Bust out the Aspercreme!
'Cause you're getting a workout
117
00:05:02,927 --> 00:05:04,721
when the Dems
win the Senate.
118
00:05:04,762 --> 00:05:07,557
First? Defund the police.
Then universal healthcare.
119
00:05:07,598 --> 00:05:08,975
Then we enter Phase Four,
120
00:05:09,017 --> 00:05:11,060
which I like to call
"Guillotine Time"!
121
00:05:11,102 --> 00:05:12,979
Please.
We're the Democratic Party.
122
00:05:13,021 --> 00:05:15,648
We don't do things.
We let the other guys do things
123
00:05:15,690 --> 00:05:17,817
then look at what they did and
say, "What are ya gonna do?"
124
00:05:17,859 --> 00:05:20,320
As famous old guy
Peter Parker once said,
125
00:05:20,361 --> 00:05:23,364
"With great power comes
great responsibility."
126
00:05:23,406 --> 00:05:25,616
The left will not squander
a Senate majority.
127
00:05:25,658 --> 00:05:26,909
Not on my Apple Watch.
128
00:05:28,202 --> 00:05:29,537
[Collins] Delicious!
129
00:05:29,579 --> 00:05:32,415
This is exactly
how I like my steak --
130
00:05:32,457 --> 00:05:35,793
overcooked on the outside
and frozen on the inside.
131
00:05:35,835 --> 00:05:38,463
That way, I can have
all the temperatures at once
132
00:05:38,504 --> 00:05:40,173
and don't have to choose.
133
00:05:40,214 --> 00:05:42,008
Eat up, Susie!
You deserve it!
134
00:05:42,050 --> 00:05:45,261
You never call me out, and you
always defend my behavior!
135
00:05:45,303 --> 00:05:48,639
You're a true friend
to me and democracy!
136
00:05:48,681 --> 00:05:51,809
I'm happy to serve a small
minority of my country,
137
00:05:51,851 --> 00:05:54,437
but I'm worried
I might lose re-election
138
00:05:54,479 --> 00:05:57,190
if I endorse
or don't endorse Trump.
139
00:05:57,231 --> 00:05:59,025
If you want,
I can teach you to sob
140
00:05:59,067 --> 00:06:00,943
until they let you
keep your job!
141
00:06:00,985 --> 00:06:04,030
I just wish reporters
would stop bullying me.
142
00:06:04,072 --> 00:06:06,783
Whatever happened
to the Grand Old Party
143
00:06:06,824 --> 00:06:08,785
of zero accountability?
144
00:06:08,826 --> 00:06:10,453
Just say the first thing
that comes to your mind
145
00:06:10,495 --> 00:06:13,164
then let everyone elevate you
to a station of power.
146
00:06:13,206 --> 00:06:15,666
Although, results may vary
because you're a --
147
00:06:15,708 --> 00:06:18,127
[retching] a woman!
I'll try.
148
00:06:18,169 --> 00:06:20,171
[reporter] Senator Collins,
will you be voting
149
00:06:20,213 --> 00:06:21,714
for President Trump's
re-election?
150
00:06:21,756 --> 00:06:24,175
Uh...um...um...
151
00:06:25,635 --> 00:06:28,262
[Collins] Ouch!
That window was closed!
152
00:06:28,304 --> 00:06:32,225
However, it was very clean.
Five stars on Yelp!
153
00:06:32,266 --> 00:06:35,478
-[cheers and applause]
-Change! Forward! Yes, we can!
154
00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:38,189
When they go low,
we go high hopes!
155
00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:40,441
Join me in celebrating
our tag team
156
00:06:40,483 --> 00:06:42,193
of legislative responsibility,
157
00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:44,487
Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi!
158
00:06:44,529 --> 00:06:46,239
-[cheers and applause]
-Do you hear this?
159
00:06:46,280 --> 00:06:48,366
He's selling them
hope and change again!
160
00:06:48,408 --> 00:06:50,326
Don't worry.
He'll be a good Democrat
161
00:06:50,368 --> 00:06:52,620
and keep his promises
frustratingly vague.
162
00:06:52,662 --> 00:06:54,247
Remember what we did
the last time
163
00:06:54,288 --> 00:06:56,499
Democrats controlled
the House and Senate?
164
00:06:56,541 --> 00:06:58,084
We passed Obamacare.
- ominous chord strikes
165
00:06:58,126 --> 00:07:01,337
And all we had to do
was leverage the political power
166
00:07:01,379 --> 00:07:04,090
of every elected Democrat
in the United States,
167
00:07:04,132 --> 00:07:06,342
burn all the good will earned
from electing the nation's
168
00:07:06,384 --> 00:07:08,594
first African-American
president,
169
00:07:08,636 --> 00:07:11,597
and fuel the rise of the
far-right Tea Party movement.
170
00:07:11,639 --> 00:07:15,601
We gave many, but not all people
moderately expensive healthcare
171
00:07:15,643 --> 00:07:18,438
for four glorious years
of congressional gridlock.
172
00:07:18,479 --> 00:07:20,898
And with Pelosi and Schumer,
we can do more.
173
00:07:20,940 --> 00:07:22,275
[crowd member] Whoo!
174
00:07:22,316 --> 00:07:25,278
We're setting them up
for failure, baby!
175
00:07:26,654 --> 00:07:27,822
I'm Bolf Witzler,
176
00:07:27,864 --> 00:07:29,574
and, yes,
I just made a mistake.
177
00:07:29,615 --> 00:07:31,951
Senator Collins suffered
a humiliating gaffe
178
00:07:31,993 --> 00:07:34,078
when she dodged
a reporter's question
179
00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:36,122
by plunging through
a glass window.
180
00:07:36,164 --> 00:07:37,957
But the public
still wants to know...
181
00:07:37,999 --> 00:07:41,210
will Collins vote for
President Trump's re-election?
182
00:07:41,252 --> 00:07:43,838
It used to be that
a public official's vote
183
00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:45,965
was between them,
their ballot box,
184
00:07:46,007 --> 00:07:48,801
and the donors who filled in
the ballot for them.
185
00:07:48,843 --> 00:07:52,138
What? Yeah! Uh-huh!
Just tell them to check in
186
00:07:52,180 --> 00:07:55,183
after Squee's annual
OctSqueeberFest bash!
187
00:07:55,224 --> 00:07:57,268
If I tell them
I'm voting for Trump,
188
00:07:57,310 --> 00:07:58,769
I'll lose my trademark
189
00:07:58,811 --> 00:08:02,732
"will she, won't she,
she will" reputation.
190
00:08:02,773 --> 00:08:04,609
Life was easy back then.
191
00:08:04,650 --> 00:08:08,279
I just went to the family bar,
shook a few barnacled hands,
192
00:08:08,321 --> 00:08:10,323
and won my first
Senate race.
193
00:08:10,364 --> 00:08:12,492
If only I could
do that now...
194
00:08:12,533 --> 00:08:13,951
[snoring]
195
00:08:13,993 --> 00:08:16,454
Moose! I'm horny!
[sighs]
196
00:08:17,663 --> 00:08:19,332
[Schumer]
We brought you here today
197
00:08:19,373 --> 00:08:21,459
to discuss the future
of the Democratic Party.
198
00:08:21,501 --> 00:08:23,961
-Universal Healthcare?!
-Enacting policies that improve
199
00:08:24,003 --> 00:08:25,963
the American people's lives
for the better?!
200
00:08:26,005 --> 00:08:29,675
-Amy Klobuchar?!
-No. No. And no way in hell.
201
00:08:29,717 --> 00:08:32,845
We're announcing an agenda
for the first 100 days of office
202
00:08:32,887 --> 00:08:34,764
if Democrats take control
of the Senate.
203
00:08:34,805 --> 00:08:38,559
A radical plan that will
change politics as we know it!
204
00:08:38,601 --> 00:08:40,436
This is the same agenda
as always,
205
00:08:40,478 --> 00:08:42,355
but in a different
fuckin' font!
206
00:08:42,396 --> 00:08:43,940
Yeah! A cool new font.
207
00:08:43,981 --> 00:08:46,400
[together] Garamond,
to be specific. Jinxies!
208
00:08:46,442 --> 00:08:48,236
I represent the people,
209
00:08:48,277 --> 00:08:50,321
and the people want
what the people want,
210
00:08:50,363 --> 00:08:52,740
and the people,
they don't want that, people!
211
00:08:52,782 --> 00:08:54,158
Calm down, Bernard.
212
00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:56,369
This isn't the
"Joe Roegman" Radio Hour.
213
00:08:56,410 --> 00:08:59,705
I came out of super-max
quarantine for this?
214
00:08:59,747 --> 00:09:02,833
Shape up, or this party will
be sabotaged by millennials
215
00:09:02,875 --> 00:09:05,711
who have a lot of anger
towards JK Rowling
216
00:09:05,753 --> 00:09:07,838
and nowhere else
to channel it!
217
00:09:09,757 --> 00:09:11,384
[Collins]
You got this, Collins.
218
00:09:11,425 --> 00:09:14,845
Just say nothing and everything
at the same time.
219
00:09:14,887 --> 00:09:17,139
You will not jump
out of a window again.
220
00:09:17,181 --> 00:09:18,808
[reporter]
Senator Collins!
221
00:09:18,849 --> 00:09:20,226
Will you be supporting
Trump's re-election?
222
00:09:20,268 --> 00:09:22,979
Um, uh, b--
Well -- Uh, d-double talk.
223
00:09:23,020 --> 00:09:25,356
Uh -- Aah!
224
00:09:25,398 --> 00:09:27,024
Uh-oh, oh, no
225
00:09:27,066 --> 00:09:29,235
Susan Collins
has to have an opinion
226
00:09:29,277 --> 00:09:31,320
-[tires squeal]
-What the hell?!
227
00:09:31,362 --> 00:09:33,114
Uh-oh, uh-oh
228
00:09:33,155 --> 00:09:35,157
Susan Collins
has to make up her mind
229
00:09:35,199 --> 00:09:37,326
Oh, she's so indecisive!
230
00:09:37,368 --> 00:09:39,287
Uh-oh, oh, no
231
00:09:39,328 --> 00:09:42,206
Susan Collins has to
state a point of view
232
00:09:42,248 --> 00:09:45,918
[Collins] Susan is
unavailable for comment.
233
00:09:47,169 --> 00:09:48,254
Uh-oh
234
00:09:48,296 --> 00:09:50,631
-Brett, is that you?
-Yes.
235
00:09:50,673 --> 00:09:53,050
Oh, thank God you're not
some journalist here
236
00:09:53,092 --> 00:09:55,011
to ask me
personal questions like,
237
00:09:55,052 --> 00:09:56,721
"Why are you covered
in glass?"
238
00:09:56,762 --> 00:09:58,472
Anyway, why are you
in the wall?
239
00:09:58,514 --> 00:10:00,266
Ohh! That's where I am?
240
00:10:00,308 --> 00:10:02,226
I just woke up
from a two-day bender
241
00:10:02,268 --> 00:10:04,353
and assumed
I was in my coffin!
242
00:10:04,395 --> 00:10:06,314
I can't live
like this anymore.
243
00:10:06,355 --> 00:10:08,649
How about we get
the heck out of here?
244
00:10:08,691 --> 00:10:11,569
-But where will we go?
-Far, far away,
245
00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:13,738
to a land
where the city seal
246
00:10:13,779 --> 00:10:16,532
is a reindeer
drunk-driving a snowmobile.
247
00:10:16,574 --> 00:10:18,117
Caribou, Maine.
248
00:10:18,159 --> 00:10:21,037
Awesome! A place where
no one will call me out!
249
00:10:21,078 --> 00:10:23,372
All my demons live
in the Washington area.
250
00:10:23,414 --> 00:10:25,583
Escape your demons
with me!
251
00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:27,585
As long as I can drink
in the backseat!
252
00:10:27,627 --> 00:10:28,878
Is that legal?
253
00:10:28,919 --> 00:10:30,630
I don't know!
Do you know?
254
00:10:30,671 --> 00:10:33,466
I don't know, Supreme Court
Justice Brett Kavanaugh.
255
00:10:33,507 --> 00:10:34,634
Shouldn't you know?
256
00:10:34,675 --> 00:10:36,719
I don't know!!
Case closed!
257
00:10:36,761 --> 00:10:39,639
-[Pelosi] I had the worst dream.
-[Schumer] Me too.
258
00:10:39,680 --> 00:10:41,432
[together]
I dreamed I was talking like...
259
00:10:41,474 --> 00:10:44,310
-Bernie Sanders!
-Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez!
260
00:10:44,352 --> 00:10:46,854
Promise me we'll never have
to know the chaos of a blank
261
00:10:46,896 --> 00:10:49,440
Word document titled
"Green New Deal Brainstorm."
262
00:10:49,482 --> 00:10:51,692
Controlling the House
is only symbolic power.
263
00:10:51,734 --> 00:10:53,152
It grants me access
to the
264
00:10:53,194 --> 00:10:55,321
Speaker of the House-only
bathroom.
265
00:10:55,363 --> 00:10:57,198
There's only one option.
Let's destroy
266
00:10:57,239 --> 00:10:59,158
Democrats' chances
of winning the Senate
267
00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:01,869
so we never, ever have to be
accountable for our power.
268
00:11:01,911 --> 00:11:04,163
Let's get our asses kicked!
269
00:11:04,205 --> 00:11:06,165
So...
what are you wearing?
270
00:11:06,207 --> 00:11:08,834
A type of girdle that
was made illegal in 1982.
271
00:11:08,876 --> 00:11:10,503
Good night, Chuck!
272
00:11:10,544 --> 00:11:12,838
If we're going to
lose the Senate,
273
00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:15,007
we must target
these three marks.
274
00:11:15,049 --> 00:11:17,885
North Carolina. Colorado.
Arizona. Got it.
275
00:11:17,927 --> 00:11:19,762
And who better
to sink our chances
276
00:11:19,804 --> 00:11:22,932
than agent of chaos
Hillary Rodham Clinton.
277
00:11:22,973 --> 00:11:24,850
You know what to do.
Lose!
278
00:11:24,892 --> 00:11:27,186
You do it better
than anyone else.
279
00:11:27,228 --> 00:11:29,897
Ha ha! Well, I won
the popular vote.
280
00:11:29,939 --> 00:11:32,608
Yes! Talk to everyone
exactly like that!
281
00:11:32,650 --> 00:11:36,278
Pokémon Go...
to the mines!
282
00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:38,114
[Collins] This is it.
283
00:11:38,155 --> 00:11:40,950
Where is the booze?
Where's P.J. and mah boys?
284
00:11:40,991 --> 00:11:42,451
Where's the body shots
and the bodies
285
00:11:42,493 --> 00:11:44,161
that the shots
go on top of?
286
00:11:44,203 --> 00:11:47,498
This place is a dump! And not
the cool kind like O'Shittery's!
287
00:11:47,540 --> 00:11:49,834
I don't think bars
come with the "party."
288
00:11:49,875 --> 00:11:52,086
We have to "start"
the business.
289
00:11:52,128 --> 00:11:55,089
Oh. How do you
"start" "a" "business"?
290
00:11:55,131 --> 00:11:56,507
Good question.
291
00:11:56,549 --> 00:11:59,176
How do you find
new places to drink?
292
00:11:59,218 --> 00:12:01,846
Me and the Kavasquad drive
till I hit a telephone pole,
293
00:12:01,887 --> 00:12:04,724
then we make the tow-truck
driver stop at his favorite bar.
294
00:12:04,765 --> 00:12:07,560
But how do you find a bar
when your license is suspended?
295
00:12:07,601 --> 00:12:09,270
Sometimes I'll see
a commercial
296
00:12:09,311 --> 00:12:11,230
that says
my favorite radio jockey,
297
00:12:11,272 --> 00:12:14,859
Ramiro the Freakin' Albanian,
is making a club appearance!
298
00:12:14,900 --> 00:12:18,279
Hmm. It sounds like you're
suggesting we make an ad.
299
00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:21,782
Yeah! Holy shit!
I'm gonna be on TV!
300
00:12:21,824 --> 00:12:24,076
I'll start working
on my crying face!
301
00:12:24,118 --> 00:12:28,497
[sobbing wildly]
302
00:12:28,539 --> 00:12:29,957
[somber organ music playing]
303
00:12:29,999 --> 00:12:31,917
[Schumer] Because Hillary
made coal miners
304
00:12:31,959 --> 00:12:33,753
do the Renegade dance
at gunpoint,
305
00:12:33,794 --> 00:12:37,339
We are gathered here today to
mourn our tanking poll numbers
306
00:12:37,381 --> 00:12:39,759
in Senator Hickenlooper's
Colorado race.
307
00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:43,846
If we could please bow our heads
for a moment of silence.
308
00:12:43,888 --> 00:12:46,432
[reporter] Sorry for
interrupting whatever this is,
309
00:12:46,474 --> 00:12:48,934
but President Trump has just
outsourced the management
310
00:12:48,976 --> 00:12:50,352
of his Work From School program
311
00:12:50,394 --> 00:12:52,855
to mercenary
Blackwater Contractors?
312
00:12:52,897 --> 00:12:54,690
So...that's bad?
313
00:12:54,732 --> 00:12:57,777
This has caused a polling
upswing for Senate Democrats.
314
00:12:57,818 --> 00:12:59,278
[angrily] Damn it!
315
00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:01,113
I mean -- [sweetly] Damn it.
I mean, uh, damn it.
316
00:13:01,155 --> 00:13:03,240
Press conference over! Go home
to your Games of Throne.
317
00:13:03,282 --> 00:13:04,658
I know I will.
318
00:13:04,700 --> 00:13:06,827
Even when we try to lose,
Trump makes us win.
319
00:13:06,869 --> 00:13:08,162
It's time for a hail mary.
320
00:13:08,204 --> 00:13:09,914
Get into the mind
of Mitch McConnell
321
00:13:09,955 --> 00:13:12,166
to tank Democrats' chances
of re-election for good?
322
00:13:12,208 --> 00:13:14,293
Sounds invasive. We can't
do that to a friend.
323
00:13:14,335 --> 00:13:16,128
-Then what?
-Let's find out how to sink
324
00:13:16,170 --> 00:13:19,006
the Democratic party from
our frenemies, Bernie and AOC.
325
00:13:19,048 --> 00:13:21,175
Ugh! But Bernie chews
with his mouth open
326
00:13:21,217 --> 00:13:23,469
whether he's eating
or not!
327
00:13:23,511 --> 00:13:24,845
[both shudder]
Jinxies!
328
00:13:24,887 --> 00:13:28,766
Do you like bar?
Do you like restaurant?
329
00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:32,937
Well, then, have we got a place
for you or you!
330
00:13:32,978 --> 00:13:35,314
Come on down. Or don't!
331
00:13:35,356 --> 00:13:38,734
I'm not going to tell you
what to do either way.
332
00:13:38,776 --> 00:13:40,945
Are we advertising
a bar or a restaurant?
333
00:13:40,986 --> 00:13:44,240
I don't know. I don't want
to make that decision.
334
00:13:44,281 --> 00:13:45,658
What if we call it...
335
00:13:45,699 --> 00:13:48,118
The Bar Or Restaurant
Restaurant?!
336
00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:50,287
That's a great idea!
337
00:13:50,329 --> 00:13:53,249
We'll let customers decide
what we sell to them.
338
00:13:53,290 --> 00:13:55,334
The Bar Or Restaurant
Restaurant --
339
00:13:55,376 --> 00:13:57,169
where a drunk
can be a drunk.
340
00:13:57,211 --> 00:13:59,505
Or not!
Puuughh!
341
00:13:59,547 --> 00:14:03,634
So, what do you panhandling
Antifa generals want?
342
00:14:03,676 --> 00:14:05,469
Remember -- we're
going to do the opposite
343
00:14:05,511 --> 00:14:06,679
of everything they say.
344
00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:08,639
Chuck, we are
on your side.
345
00:14:08,681 --> 00:14:11,475
Yeah. Sure.
The same s-- same side.
346
00:14:11,517 --> 00:14:13,519
We want you to listen
to constituents
347
00:14:13,561 --> 00:14:15,563
and then pass legislation
that reflects their concerns.
348
00:14:15,604 --> 00:14:18,023
"Listen...to...
constituents."
349
00:14:18,065 --> 00:14:19,567
[Bernie]
We want you to --
350
00:14:19,608 --> 00:14:21,694
Eh, I'm not done
writing that line yet.
351
00:14:21,735 --> 00:14:24,321
"Pass...legislation."
352
00:14:24,363 --> 00:14:26,699
And call out Trump
but use stronger language
353
00:14:26,740 --> 00:14:28,826
than, "Hey, get a load
of this guy."
354
00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:31,579
"Call...out...Trump."
355
00:14:31,620 --> 00:14:33,914
Do you really need
to write this down?
356
00:14:33,956 --> 00:14:36,166
This doesn't come
naturally to me, okay?!
357
00:14:36,208 --> 00:14:37,626
I'll keep it simple,
stupid.
358
00:14:37,668 --> 00:14:39,378
Just denounce Trump
at every turn.
359
00:14:39,420 --> 00:14:41,630
Every turn. Or we'll
tear this party apart
360
00:14:41,672 --> 00:14:43,340
like it was
a budget-line item
361
00:14:43,382 --> 00:14:45,509
promising to buy
the police a bazooka.
362
00:14:45,551 --> 00:14:48,137
Okay. Got it.
Thank you for your time.
363
00:14:48,178 --> 00:14:49,805
-[door closes]
-You know what that means.
364
00:14:49,847 --> 00:14:51,724
[together] Time to align
ourselves with Trump
365
00:14:51,765 --> 00:14:53,976
to lose the Senate
for Democrats! Jinxies!
366
00:14:54,018 --> 00:14:55,561
Buy me an ice-cream
freezer.
367
00:14:55,603 --> 00:14:58,230
Ooh. Not sure I can
afford one right now.
368
00:14:58,272 --> 00:14:59,690
How 'bout a Tesla?
369
00:14:59,732 --> 00:15:02,693
[Kavanaugh] Is the new
social-distancing rule
370
00:15:02,735 --> 00:15:05,988
that bars can only have one
blackout drunk patron at a time?
371
00:15:06,030 --> 00:15:09,199
We need to do something
to get the party going.
372
00:15:09,241 --> 00:15:11,076
I can't decide for myself.
373
00:15:11,118 --> 00:15:15,039
I need you sober enough
to tell me what to do.
374
00:15:15,080 --> 00:15:17,082
N-o-o-o!!
375
00:15:17,124 --> 00:15:18,417
[grunting]
376
00:15:18,459 --> 00:15:21,754
Stupid idiot sign
with the idiot nails!
377
00:15:21,795 --> 00:15:22,922
[crashing]
378
00:15:22,963 --> 00:15:25,132
Brett, what did you do?
379
00:15:25,174 --> 00:15:28,093
I ripped this off the sign
because it looked at me funny!
380
00:15:28,135 --> 00:15:30,429
You think you're better than me,
word-on-a-sign?!
381
00:15:30,471 --> 00:15:32,973
I went to law school!
382
00:15:33,015 --> 00:15:34,767
[customer]
The Bar Restaurant Restaurant.
383
00:15:34,808 --> 00:15:36,810
That sounds like a great place
to get piss-drunk
384
00:15:36,852 --> 00:15:37,978
and yell at my dad!
385
00:15:38,020 --> 00:15:40,814
[Kavanaugh]
Whoo! To Squee!
386
00:15:40,856 --> 00:15:43,567
[Schumer] On behalf of
the Democratic party,
387
00:15:43,609 --> 00:15:45,611
we'd like to commend
President Trump
388
00:15:45,653 --> 00:15:48,238
on his brilliant
Work From School program
389
00:15:48,280 --> 00:15:51,700
which will kickstart our economy
with little children-sized feet.
390
00:15:51,742 --> 00:15:53,410
It's time to put
these youngsters to work.
391
00:15:53,452 --> 00:15:54,870
And if they're
old enough to work,
392
00:15:54,912 --> 00:15:56,246
they're old enough to date.
393
00:15:56,288 --> 00:15:59,416
Ah-ah-ah! No need to
speak, Mr. President.
394
00:15:59,458 --> 00:16:03,045
You've done enough. Thank you
for your fearless leadership.
395
00:16:03,087 --> 00:16:05,214
You're right!
I am a fearless big boy!
396
00:16:05,255 --> 00:16:07,716
The only thing I'm afraid of
is the drug-induced Babadook
397
00:16:07,758 --> 00:16:09,593
who appears each night
to sit on my chest
398
00:16:09,635 --> 00:16:11,428
until I agree to nuke Iran.
399
00:16:11,470 --> 00:16:13,806
Great speech, Mr. President.
Let's quit while we're ahead.
400
00:16:13,847 --> 00:16:15,474
Cool. I gotta call
the prime minister
401
00:16:15,516 --> 00:16:17,142
of some [bleep]-hole
country anyway.
402
00:16:17,184 --> 00:16:19,103
-Photo opp over!
-It's working, Nancy!
403
00:16:19,144 --> 00:16:20,521
Polls show
support for Democrats
404
00:16:20,562 --> 00:16:22,481
has plummeted
after party leaders
405
00:16:22,523 --> 00:16:24,984
did what one voter described
as "literally the only thing
406
00:16:25,025 --> 00:16:27,194
they had to avoid doing
to pull this one out."
407
00:16:27,236 --> 00:16:29,655
We're projected to lose
every toss-up Senate race!
408
00:16:29,697 --> 00:16:31,865
Crisis averted!
409
00:16:31,907 --> 00:16:33,534
[indistinct conversations]
410
00:16:33,575 --> 00:16:35,119
[man] Hey. What's
today's special?
411
00:16:35,160 --> 00:16:37,162
Um, uh, um...
412
00:16:37,204 --> 00:16:40,082
Today's special is...
Narsty Lite.
413
00:16:40,124 --> 00:16:42,626
Okay. I'll take
one of those.
414
00:16:42,668 --> 00:16:44,628
Brett!
Did you just see that?!
415
00:16:44,670 --> 00:16:48,340
I made a decision, and
I shamelessly stuck by it!
416
00:16:48,382 --> 00:16:51,969
I'm a regular Sophie from that
movie where she makes a choice.
417
00:16:52,011 --> 00:16:55,639
I didn't see it, but I bet
she'd be proud of me.
418
00:16:55,681 --> 00:16:58,684
Susie! Hand me
another Narsty Lite!
419
00:16:58,726 --> 00:17:00,602
-O-kay!
-[gulping]
420
00:17:00,644 --> 00:17:04,314
A yearbook is like a diary!
It is private!
421
00:17:04,356 --> 00:17:06,483
This is actually
kind of fun!
422
00:17:06,525 --> 00:17:09,945
Choosing Narsty Lites
is like choosing sides.
423
00:17:09,987 --> 00:17:12,239
Maybe I can do it!
424
00:17:14,366 --> 00:17:16,660
[Schumer] We did it.
Soak it in, Nancy.
425
00:17:16,702 --> 00:17:18,996
This is the Senate chamber
we'll never control.
426
00:17:19,038 --> 00:17:20,998
[Bernie] We knew it!
The establishment
427
00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:22,833
is sabotaging
the Democratic party!
428
00:17:22,875 --> 00:17:24,376
We're done.
We're starting a new party.
429
00:17:24,418 --> 00:17:26,837
Your ass is grass, Chucky.
-Excuse me?
430
00:17:26,879 --> 00:17:29,006
You heard him!
Swing left dot com,
431
00:17:29,048 --> 00:17:30,674
hashtag defund democrats,
432
00:17:30,716 --> 00:17:33,302
backslash America's
canceled dot gov!
433
00:17:33,343 --> 00:17:36,263
Look at me. Look at me.
We're the captains now.
434
00:17:36,305 --> 00:17:39,224
This is all just
a big misunderstanding.
435
00:17:39,266 --> 00:17:41,769
Uh, falso! You blew up the party
to spite your base.
436
00:17:41,810 --> 00:17:43,812
Now we're not only losing
in the Senate;
437
00:17:43,854 --> 00:17:45,814
we're projected
to lose the House!
438
00:17:45,856 --> 00:17:47,274
Lose the House?!
439
00:17:47,316 --> 00:17:48,692
-[together] Obvi!
-Jinxies.
440
00:17:48,734 --> 00:17:50,736
Buy me a pair of
sustainable TOMS slippers
441
00:17:50,778 --> 00:17:53,822
so another pair will be donated
to shoeless children in Africa.
442
00:17:53,864 --> 00:17:56,492
But that means I'll lose
the Speaker of the House bidet!
443
00:17:56,533 --> 00:17:58,869
I can't pee in the same
bathroom as Liz Cheney.
444
00:17:58,911 --> 00:18:00,162
She hums!
445
00:18:00,204 --> 00:18:02,539
[rock music playing]
446
00:18:02,581 --> 00:18:05,209
Randy. Heard about you
and the wife.
447
00:18:05,250 --> 00:18:08,378
You gotta leave her, man.
She's holding you back.
448
00:18:08,420 --> 00:18:10,089
I've decided.
449
00:18:10,130 --> 00:18:13,550
Paula, you're deciding
between tequila and vodka.
450
00:18:13,592 --> 00:18:16,053
Hm. Let's go with tequila
since vodka makes you play
451
00:18:16,095 --> 00:18:18,180
with that handgun
in your purse.
452
00:18:18,222 --> 00:18:19,765
Decided!
453
00:18:19,807 --> 00:18:22,601
A dirty Narsty Lite
with six shots of absinthe.
454
00:18:22,643 --> 00:18:24,186
You got it, Brett Kavanaugh.
455
00:18:24,228 --> 00:18:26,355
A decision...I've made!
456
00:18:26,396 --> 00:18:27,564
[gurgling]
457
00:18:27,606 --> 00:18:30,109
You know, for
a Supreme Court justice,
458
00:18:30,150 --> 00:18:34,113
your taste in drinks is kinda
"small-claims court."
459
00:18:34,154 --> 00:18:35,656
-[patrons laughing]
-Ha-ha. Ha-ha.
460
00:18:35,697 --> 00:18:37,825
Okay, okay. I can take it.
461
00:18:37,866 --> 00:18:39,993
It's not like I publicly cry
all the time.
462
00:18:40,035 --> 00:18:43,205
I mean, you really
do have bad taste.
463
00:18:43,247 --> 00:18:46,041
No wonder you're always
on the same side
464
00:18:46,083 --> 00:18:48,710
as that pube freak
Clarence Thomas.
465
00:18:48,752 --> 00:18:50,754
-[patrons laughing]
-Um, hello!
466
00:18:50,796 --> 00:18:53,298
He's the only other guy
whose confirmation was tainted
467
00:18:53,340 --> 00:18:56,468
by credible claims of sexual
misconduct! We clicked!
468
00:18:56,510 --> 00:19:00,013
You are the Narsty Lite
of appointed judges --
469
00:19:00,055 --> 00:19:03,684
regrettable in the moment
and even worse the next day.
470
00:19:03,725 --> 00:19:05,644
-[patrons laughing]
-You can come for me,
471
00:19:05,686 --> 00:19:08,272
but don't you dare insult
my Narsty Lite!
472
00:19:08,313 --> 00:19:10,440
You've crossed the line,
Collins!
473
00:19:10,482 --> 00:19:13,485
[sobbing]
474
00:19:13,527 --> 00:19:15,654
[Pelosi] What'll happen
to democracy
475
00:19:15,696 --> 00:19:18,574
and my "hashtag boss babe"
status if the Democrats
476
00:19:18,615 --> 00:19:19,908
lose the House?!
Chuck?!
477
00:19:19,950 --> 00:19:21,785
Are you even listening?!
-I hear you.
478
00:19:21,827 --> 00:19:23,579
Well, aren't you
gonna say anything?
479
00:19:23,620 --> 00:19:24,997
I'm not worried about it.
480
00:19:25,038 --> 00:19:26,832
You're not worried
because you have a plan
481
00:19:26,874 --> 00:19:28,792
or you're not worried
because things will be fine?
482
00:19:28,834 --> 00:19:31,003
As long as I'm the last
Democratic senator standing,
483
00:19:31,044 --> 00:19:33,005
I'll always have an exclusive
pot to piss in
484
00:19:33,046 --> 00:19:34,882
and oil money to shill.
I'm golden.
485
00:19:34,923 --> 00:19:36,675
Have you no shame, sir?
486
00:19:36,717 --> 00:19:38,594
I was fine with doing nothing
when the police
487
00:19:38,635 --> 00:19:40,929
were body slamming
90-year-olds.
488
00:19:40,971 --> 00:19:43,599
I was okay with inaction
when millions of Americans
489
00:19:43,640 --> 00:19:45,893
lost their jobs because
of a global pandemic
490
00:19:45,934 --> 00:19:49,146
that we knew was coming and in
many instances made money from.
491
00:19:49,188 --> 00:19:51,106
I was even okay
when the Arctic started
492
00:19:51,148 --> 00:19:53,817
looking like
a melted raspberry slushie.
493
00:19:53,859 --> 00:19:56,445
But I will not lose
the Speaker of the House
494
00:19:56,486 --> 00:19:58,071
bathroom privileges!
495
00:19:58,113 --> 00:20:00,157
Don't worry, Nance. This will
all be worth it in the end.
496
00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:01,950
No power, no problem.
497
00:20:01,992 --> 00:20:05,495
For the first time in our
decades-old political alliance,
498
00:20:05,537 --> 00:20:08,207
I regret co-conspiring
with you.
499
00:20:09,875 --> 00:20:13,045
[country music plays]
500
00:20:13,086 --> 00:20:14,630
[glass shatters]
501
00:20:14,671 --> 00:20:17,174
Hey, who spilled
my dirty Narsty Lite?!
502
00:20:17,216 --> 00:20:19,468
[man] Uh, you did.
We just saw you.
503
00:20:19,509 --> 00:20:21,178
-Shut up!
-[bottle shatters]
504
00:20:21,220 --> 00:20:23,055
[shouting, punches landing]
505
00:20:23,096 --> 00:20:24,973
Stop it! Stop it!
506
00:20:25,015 --> 00:20:27,851
This is not what
The Bar Restaurant
507
00:20:27,893 --> 00:20:30,687
Restaurant Bar
Restaurant is about!
508
00:20:30,729 --> 00:20:34,233
Get out, Brett Kavanaugh.
I'm cuttin' you off.
509
00:20:34,274 --> 00:20:37,402
[gasps] How dare you call me out
on my destructive behavior!
510
00:20:37,444 --> 00:20:39,863
I thought you were
my friend!
511
00:20:39,905 --> 00:20:42,574
[sobbing]
512
00:20:42,616 --> 00:20:44,952
[door closes]
513
00:20:47,412 --> 00:20:51,416
Nobody holds Brett Kavanaugh
accountable!
514
00:20:51,458 --> 00:20:54,628
Brett! Don't do it!
How could you?
515
00:20:54,670 --> 00:20:56,922
How could me?
How could you?!
516
00:20:56,964 --> 00:20:59,091
You made fun of me in front
of all those people
517
00:20:59,132 --> 00:21:01,385
like I'm some kind
of drunk clown.
518
00:21:01,426 --> 00:21:02,928
Well, I mean, c'mon...
519
00:21:02,970 --> 00:21:04,388
You're the clown!
520
00:21:04,429 --> 00:21:07,933
The sad little clown
named...Susan Collins.
521
00:21:07,975 --> 00:21:10,102
Fuck! I can't think
of anything!
522
00:21:10,143 --> 00:21:12,104
Fair is fair!
You call me a mean name,
523
00:21:12,145 --> 00:21:13,772
I burn your life
to the ground!
524
00:21:13,814 --> 00:21:16,149
That's the Brett Kavanaugh
Experience!
525
00:21:16,191 --> 00:21:17,693
-[flames rush]
-[Collins gasps]
526
00:21:17,734 --> 00:21:21,947
Oh, you are the worst choice
I ever made in my life!
527
00:21:21,989 --> 00:21:23,824
And to think,
I could have started
528
00:21:23,865 --> 00:21:26,326
The Bar Restaurant
Restaurant Bar
529
00:21:26,368 --> 00:21:28,620
with Merrick Garland!
530
00:21:28,662 --> 00:21:30,956
You made your decision.
Live with it.
531
00:21:30,998 --> 00:21:32,457
Buuuughhh!
532
00:21:32,499 --> 00:21:34,501
[sobbing and vomiting]
533
00:21:40,674 --> 00:21:45,095
I'm here to lightly condemn
the GOP's newest anti-LGBT bill
534
00:21:45,137 --> 00:21:47,264
mandating a new season
of Will & Grace
535
00:21:47,306 --> 00:21:49,975
where every episode ends
with Will marrying Grace.
536
00:21:50,017 --> 00:21:52,644
-[funky music playing]
-It is very...not nice.
537
00:21:52,686 --> 00:21:53,979
And I denounce --
538
00:21:54,021 --> 00:21:55,856
I'm sorry,
but it's just not the same
539
00:21:55,897 --> 00:21:57,482
without anyone
to jinxies with.
540
00:21:57,524 --> 00:21:59,151
[reporter] Sorry.
Excuse me. Jinxies?
541
00:21:59,192 --> 00:22:00,485
Is that on the record?
542
00:22:00,527 --> 00:22:02,154
[funky music playing]
543
00:22:02,195 --> 00:22:04,656
-Isn't this awesome?
-I guess. Heh.
544
00:22:04,698 --> 00:22:06,491
I don't know.
Not really.
545
00:22:06,533 --> 00:22:10,996
Then why did the DSA just
repost us on their Finstagram?
546
00:22:11,038 --> 00:22:13,665
I don't even know
what those words mean.
547
00:22:15,876 --> 00:22:17,502
[Collins]
Thanks for nothin'.
548
00:22:17,544 --> 00:22:20,797
I'm just going to retire
from the Senate in dignity.
549
00:22:20,839 --> 00:22:22,299
I've decided.
550
00:22:22,341 --> 00:22:24,259
[incoherent mumbling]
551
00:22:24,301 --> 00:22:26,636
Why's that?
552
00:22:31,391 --> 00:22:33,143
Oh. You're right.
553
00:22:33,185 --> 00:22:36,355
Another terrible decision
in a long line
554
00:22:36,396 --> 00:22:38,690
of terrible decisions
from me.
555
00:22:41,401 --> 00:22:43,236
[crying] You're right.
556
00:22:48,241 --> 00:22:51,578
I don't, either.
What's done is done.
557
00:22:57,918 --> 00:23:01,880
-What's that?
-[grumbles]
558
00:23:01,922 --> 00:23:04,633
-Puuugggh!
-[vomit splashing]
559
00:23:05,759 --> 00:23:07,094
[Obama]
Thank you both for coming.
560
00:23:07,135 --> 00:23:08,553
I'm surprised
you're not too busy
561
00:23:08,595 --> 00:23:10,347
flossing with
your new comrades.
562
00:23:10,389 --> 00:23:13,350
I'm surprised you're not taking
a dump on the House floor.
563
00:23:13,392 --> 00:23:17,229
Enough. I brought you together
to work out your differences.
564
00:23:17,270 --> 00:23:20,273
I am sick of constantly
cleaning up your messes.
565
00:23:20,315 --> 00:23:22,192
I'm retired.
I got a Netflix deal.
566
00:23:22,234 --> 00:23:25,278
I've secretly been to space.
Now's the time for party unity.
567
00:23:25,320 --> 00:23:28,073
Enough speeches. Chuck, do you
have anything to say to me?
568
00:23:28,115 --> 00:23:29,741
You were being
a selfish prick!
569
00:23:29,783 --> 00:23:31,159
We're always
selfish pricks.
570
00:23:31,201 --> 00:23:32,828
I don't understand why
it's suddenly a problem.
571
00:23:32,869 --> 00:23:35,163
Because it affected me!
572
00:23:35,205 --> 00:23:37,666
It's okay for you not to care
about anyone or anything,
573
00:23:37,707 --> 00:23:41,670
but don't direct that
narcissistic apathy towards me.
574
00:23:41,711 --> 00:23:43,004
We're a team.
575
00:23:43,046 --> 00:23:45,090
And while there is
no "I" in team,
576
00:23:45,132 --> 00:23:46,842
there is an "M" and "E,"
577
00:23:46,883 --> 00:23:49,678
as in "don't fuck with ME
ever again"!
578
00:23:49,719 --> 00:23:51,847
Nancy, I'm sorry.
I should have never put
579
00:23:51,888 --> 00:23:53,682
your Speaker of the House
bathroom at risk.
580
00:23:53,723 --> 00:23:56,184
-I forgive you.
-I'm so glad we're making up.
581
00:23:56,226 --> 00:23:58,103
Life wasn't the same
without you.
582
00:23:58,145 --> 00:23:59,771
I had no one
to do jinxies with.
583
00:23:59,813 --> 00:24:03,400
Same. I got carpal tunnel
filming AOC's TikToks.
584
00:24:03,442 --> 00:24:05,068
But how do we move forward?
585
00:24:05,110 --> 00:24:07,487
I still don't want to be
in charge of anything.
586
00:24:07,529 --> 00:24:09,281
Me neither.
But we need to win,
587
00:24:09,322 --> 00:24:11,324
for the sake of our
political alliance.
588
00:24:11,366 --> 00:24:14,244
Oh, don't be scared of winning.
Nothing will change regardless.
589
00:24:14,286 --> 00:24:16,329
You're Democrats.
You're gonna water down
590
00:24:16,371 --> 00:24:17,956
all your proposals anyway.
591
00:24:17,998 --> 00:24:19,624
-[both] Yes, we can.
-[Obama] Yes, we can.
592
00:24:19,666 --> 00:24:20,959
can a brother
get a jinxies?
593
00:24:21,001 --> 00:24:23,086
This is going to be
the hardest
594
00:24:23,128 --> 00:24:24,963
we've ever fought
for the American people.
595
00:24:25,005 --> 00:24:28,758
Nurses, schmurses!
We're the real heroes!
596
00:24:28,800 --> 00:24:30,635
[telephone rings,
woman screaming]
597
00:24:30,677 --> 00:24:32,804
Yes, constituent.
I hear your concerns.
598
00:24:32,846 --> 00:24:34,389
-We're listening.
-[woman screaming]
599
00:24:34,431 --> 00:24:36,558
Do you kiss your mother
with that mouth?
600
00:24:36,600 --> 00:24:39,811
inspirational
rock music plays
601
00:24:44,691 --> 00:24:46,651
[Schumer and Pelosi]
President Trump is a racist...
602
00:24:46,693 --> 00:24:49,112
authoritarian...The Hague!
603
00:24:49,154 --> 00:24:50,739
[crowd cheering]
604
00:24:51,823 --> 00:24:54,159
[reporter] Will you or
will you not be voting
605
00:24:54,201 --> 00:24:56,119
for President Trump's
re-election?
606
00:24:56,161 --> 00:24:59,998
Yes, I am here to
speak to you all today.
607
00:25:00,040 --> 00:25:04,336
But, no, I did not come here
all on my own.
608
00:25:04,377 --> 00:25:09,341
Yes, I did, in fact, get help
from Justice Brett Kavanaugh.
609
00:25:09,382 --> 00:25:12,511
No, he is not here right now.
610
00:25:12,552 --> 00:25:16,056
Yes, he is
currently unconscious.
611
00:25:16,097 --> 00:25:20,477
No, he refuses to get off
of my bathroom floor.
612
00:25:20,519 --> 00:25:22,395
Let's do this
one more time.
613
00:25:22,437 --> 00:25:23,980
Will you or will you not
614
00:25:24,022 --> 00:25:26,525
be voting for President
Trump's re-election?
615
00:25:26,566 --> 00:25:29,861
Yes...to be...
or not to be.
616
00:25:29,903 --> 00:25:33,198
That is the question
that Hamlet raised
617
00:25:33,240 --> 00:25:35,200
in the movie, uh, Hamlet...
618
00:25:35,242 --> 00:25:38,537
Come on! Some of us have
second jobs selling plasma!
619
00:25:38,578 --> 00:25:41,998
Okay, okay.
I have made a decision.
620
00:25:42,040 --> 00:25:45,544
And, no, I will not
be sharing it with you
621
00:25:45,585 --> 00:25:48,380
until after the winner
is announced.
622
00:25:48,421 --> 00:25:51,341
-[reporters groan]
-I've decided.
623
00:25:51,383 --> 00:25:53,718
[man] At least she didn't
jump out the window this time.
624
00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:56,638
To Squee!
625
00:25:56,680 --> 00:25:59,140
[Schumer] We're supposed to get
the e-mail with the Senate race
626
00:25:59,182 --> 00:26:00,892
poll data any minute now.
-[ding]
627
00:26:00,934 --> 00:26:03,853
Look, Chuck! There it is!
How do we read what's inside?
628
00:26:03,895 --> 00:26:05,981
-Open the attachment.
-I don't know how!
629
00:26:06,022 --> 00:26:07,816
Usually Pete Buttigieg
does that for me.
630
00:26:07,857 --> 00:26:09,317
-Then call him.
-God, no.
631
00:26:09,359 --> 00:26:11,027
I'm not talking to
Politico's Doogie Howser.
632
00:26:11,069 --> 00:26:12,696
Just double-click it!
633
00:26:12,737 --> 00:26:14,239
-I am clicking it.
-No, double click it.
634
00:26:14,281 --> 00:26:15,907
Do you hear that
"click, click, click"?
635
00:26:15,949 --> 00:26:17,284
I'm clicking it, Nancy!
636
00:26:17,325 --> 00:26:18,535
[ding]
637
00:26:18,577 --> 00:26:20,036
Well, we're in
a dead-heat race
638
00:26:20,078 --> 00:26:22,247
with the party responsible
for an economic recession,
639
00:26:22,289 --> 00:26:24,791
the rise of fascism,
and a pandemic outbreak.
640
00:26:24,833 --> 00:26:27,794
[together] So, yes,
we're winning. Jinxies!
641
00:26:27,836 --> 00:26:29,379
I'm Anderson Cooper, and my eyes
642
00:26:29,421 --> 00:26:31,423
are what the inside
of a glacier looks like.
643
00:26:31,464 --> 00:26:33,633
In congressional news, Senator
Schumer and Speaker Pelosi
644
00:26:33,675 --> 00:26:35,594
have pledged to use
a Democrat-controlled Senate
645
00:26:35,635 --> 00:26:37,262
to do absolutely nothing.
646
00:26:37,304 --> 00:26:39,222
And sources confirm
that Senator Collins
647
00:26:39,264 --> 00:26:41,600
hasn't crashed through a
Capitol Building window in days.
648
00:26:41,641 --> 00:26:43,977
I'm sure this is exactly
how the Founding Fathers
649
00:26:44,019 --> 00:26:46,354
intended the two-party system
to function.
650
00:26:46,396 --> 00:26:49,691
Great job, Susie! You decided
to not not take a stand.
651
00:26:49,733 --> 00:26:52,027
And hopefully
I won't have to.
652
00:26:52,068 --> 00:26:55,614
With any luck, the Supreme Court
will decide the election.
653
00:26:55,655 --> 00:27:00,452
Democracy lies in your
trembling, vomit-covered hands.
654
00:27:00,493 --> 00:27:02,245
[both laughing]
655
00:27:02,287 --> 00:27:03,788
Ah. That is the case!
656
00:27:03,830 --> 00:27:05,624
[laughing]
657
00:27:05,665 --> 00:27:08,043
Hey, can I pick the next
Supreme Court justice?
658
00:27:08,084 --> 00:27:10,086
I got a Delta Kappa buddy
659
00:27:10,128 --> 00:27:13,798
in a real bad spot,
child support-wise!
660
00:27:13,840 --> 00:27:15,383
['80s-style pop music plays]
661
00:27:15,425 --> 00:27:18,303
Donald Trump
is the president
662
00:27:18,345 --> 00:27:21,890
Donald Trump
is the president
663
00:27:21,931 --> 00:27:24,351
Is Donald Trump
the president?
664
00:27:24,392 --> 00:27:26,144
Yes, he is
665
00:27:26,186 --> 00:27:28,938
Yes, he is,
we elected him president
666
00:27:28,980 --> 00:27:31,524
Is Donald Trump
the president?
667
00:27:31,566 --> 00:27:33,360
Yes, he is
668
00:27:33,401 --> 00:27:35,987
We had a vote
and elected him president
669
00:27:36,029 --> 00:27:41,117
Donald Trump
is the president
670
00:27:43,203 --> 00:27:44,871
Donald Trump
671
00:27:44,913 --> 00:27:48,416
He is our president
672
00:27:48,458 --> 00:27:51,753
We made him president
673
00:27:51,795 --> 00:27:54,089
We did it
674
00:27:54,130 --> 00:27:58,009
Donald Trump
is the president
675
00:27:58,051 --> 00:28:01,137
We elected Donald Trump
676
00:28:01,179 --> 00:28:04,683
Donald Trump
is the president
677
00:28:04,724 --> 00:28:08,311
Donald Trump
is the president
678
00:28:08,353 --> 00:28:11,856
Yeah
679
00:28:11,898 --> 00:28:13,858
Trump!
52699
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof