Original subtitles

Jessie, you're brushing too hard!

(GRUNTS)

Ow! Careful!

I want to look like Beyonce, not Bertram!

Sorry, sweetie, I'm rushing

'cause tonight is my one-year anniversary with Tony.

And I have to finish my gift before our date.

You're giving him clumps of my hair?

You guys are one weird couple.

No. I'm writing him a song.

That's really romantic, Jessie.

Cheap, but romantic.

Well, everyone knows the best gifts come from the heart, not a store.

Also, I'm broke, so...

Ugh! Who taught you to cook, Bertram,

Wolfgang Yuck? (LAUGHS)

Where did you study bathing,

the Hudson River?

(MOCKINGLY) Na, na, na! (MOCKINGLY) Na, na, na!

Hey.

I hope this gruel gives me extra strength for P.E. today.

Just once, I would like not to be mocked for my lack of athletic prowess.

Oh, well, you should tell whoever is doing that to knock it off.

Luke, you heard the woman, knock it off!

Let's see what you got here, Jessie.

Hmm.

"Tony, Tony, Tony, I love you more than baloney, loney, loney."

Really?

Okay, first, it's a metaphor.

And second, baloney is easily the world's greatest processed meat product.

Is this a metaphor, too?

"Tony, you're spicier than pepperoni"?

I was hungry, okay?

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie

♪ It feels like a party every day

♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie

♪ But they keep on pulling me every which way

♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie

♪ My whole world is changing Turning around

♪ They got me going crazy Yeah, they're shaking the ground

♪ But they took a chance on the new girl in town

♪ And I don't want to let them down, down, down

♪ Hey Jessie

♪ Hey Jessie

♪ It feels like a party every day

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie ♪

(ALL CHATTERING)

(SCREAMS)

I've got it!

Yeah, I've got it, too.

And by "it," I mean massive hearing loss.

No. I've got a great idea for Kitty Couture!

What to wear for your first anniversary!

My viewers will love it! You can be my model!

This is quite a step up for you, Jessie.

All Emma has ever used you for was the tragic "before" picture.

Hey, babe.

Hey. So, tonight's the big night, huh?

Oh, you bet it is!

It's the Doorman Bowling League Championship!

Wanna come?

It might be right up your

alley! (LAUGHS)

(LAUGHING HESITANTLY)

That would have killed at the lanes.

Okay, I'll meet you in the lobby after your shift.

I can't wait to "go bowling" with you.

(CHUCKLES) Me, too!

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

Duty calls.

Huh.

Wow! Tony forgot your anniversary?

That's got to sting.

No. Come on. He's clearly playing dumb.

Playing?

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

(WHISTLES)

All right, buttercups, cut the chitchat and line up!

Begging your pardon, Coach Penny,

but gymnastics is hardly fair to those of us with limited,

yet age-appropriate, upper body strength.

Fair? (CHUCKLES)

If everything was fair, I wouldn't be stuck with two non-refundable

first-class tickets to Fiji!

Hope you and the lunch lady are very happy together, Harold!

(WHISTLES)

(GRUNTING)

Whoa! Ahhh! (WHIMPERS)

ALL: Ooh!

(GROANING)

(SCREAMING)

ALL: Ooh!

Coach Penny, please forgive me.

Ah, don't sweat it. You weigh less than my cat, Mr. Doodlewad.

(SCREAMING)

(GRUNTS) ALL: Ooh!

Oh. Maybe extra breakfast was a bad idea.

(RAVI VOMITING) (ALL CRINGE)

Huh, still looks better than when Bertram served it to us.

Well, that does it for gymnastics.

Some of you should be very proud.

That's how I do. (CHUCKLES)

Others of you owe the janitor a letter of apology.

Now, our next unit

features a sport that relies more on brains than brawn.

Please be chess! Please be chess!

Tomorrow, we fence!

That's right! I got a sword now, Harold!

(SCREAMING)

♪ Oh, Tony, you make my heart rock and roll

♪ You open doors to the building of my soul ♪

Ugh.

Jessie, we're about to start filming.

You can ruin music for everyone later.

I appreciate the destructive criticism,

but I have to finish my song before my date with Tony.

Maybe you'll find the inspiration to finish your song on the elevator.

I found a quarter there once.

The place is a gold mine!

All right. Uh...

♪ Oh, Tony, you are my green-eyed king

♪ You push the buttons that make my heart go ding, ding ♪

Maybe I'll just get him a gift card.

Whoa! You look great! (CHUCKLES)

But don't you think that's a little dressy for the Hackensack Bowling Shack?

Wait, you're... You're actually going bowling?

Yeah, the Pin Heads need me!

What? No, no...

Are you comin'?

No! No, I think I'll just hang out here in the lobby,

in my beautiful dress and full makeup,

which took me an hour and a half to do.

(CHUCKLES) Okay. But it's ten-cent hot wings until 9:00!

I can't believe it. He really did forget our anniversary!

Aw, this is so tragic.

Zuri, are you getting this?

Every humiliating moment.

Ugh! I just wanna bang my head against a wall.

I swear he gives me no respect at all.

Wait, that's not bad.

♪ I'm in my fancy dress You said we'd leave at 8:00

♪ You're in your bowling shoes Huh! You call that a date?

♪ I should've known this wouldn't work

♪ You jerk! ♪

Wow! That's actually good.

Yeah, her stories about deadbeat boyfriends

are so much better when they're set to music!

Hey, Jessie.

Uh, got a sec? I need some advice.

I hope it's not about relationships, 'cause I can't help you there.

Everyone knows that, Jessie.

It's about Ravi.

He's having a really hard time in P.E. More than usual.

So, help him out.

Might as well make him feel good about himself while he's young,

'cause once you grow up, life is nothing but disappointments,

heartbreaks, and betrayals.

Okay! Good talk! Thanks!

Jessie! Cheer up, I have some great news!

Tony lost his hand in the bowling ball return?

No, Emma uploaded the video

of your angry song about Tony on Kitty Couture!

What? You posted my pain on the Internet for everyone to see?

That is unforgivable!

But everyone loves it! Your song is a huge hit!

And you're forgiven!

Remember, never ever let your guard down,

'cause you could be stabbed in the back at any time!

Ravi Ross, front and center!

Well, I have lived a full 11 years.

Perhaps I shall be reincarnated as a doormat.

That way I can cut out the middle man.

Okay, who wants to make a Ravi kebab?

Oh! I'll do it, Coach Penny!

I am to be felled by my own brother?

Oh, woe is me!

En garde!

(FAKING) Oh, no!

(WHIMPERING)

(GRUNTS MEEKLY)

Why are they pounding their hands together like that?

Are they warming up their fist to punch me?

No. Ravi, they're clapping for you!

Huh! I did not see this coming.

Ravi Ross is the winner!

I won?

I won! I am so macho!

Whoa, Emma's viewers really are loving me.

Bertram, check it out.

"Jessie's song captures what it's like to be taken for granted by a man.

"And the step-by-step instructions for rigging a tripwire were invaluable."

You must be so proud.

(CHUCKLES) I'm just like Taylor Swift!

Except for the money, sequins, awards, talent.

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

Jessie, there you are!

I've been calling you all day. Why didn't you answer?

Oh! Oh, what, just 'cause you're a man,

I have to be at your constant beck and call?

No!

Yes?

To be honest, I don't know what "beck and call" means.

Anyway, happy anniversary!

(SCOFFS) Little late!

What do you mean? It's today.

It was exactly one year ago we kissed in that teacup.

Here's the citation we got for trespassing.

I kept it for my memory book.

Oh, no! I got the date wrong!

You must be so mad at me.

Why would I be mad for a little thing like that?

(CHUCKLES) That would be crazy.

(CHUCKLES) Right. So crazy.

Anyway, I have an awesome night planned.

I got us tickets to this all-girl singer-songwriter showcase in Central Park

called Estro-Palooza!

Oh, Tony, that's so thoughtful.

And not at all "Callous and mean, like a love-killing machine."

Jessie! The director of Estro-Palooza emailed me!

She loves your song!

(GASPS) That's amazing!

Even better, she wants you to perform it tonight!

(GASPS) That's horrible.

I got the merchandising covered.

Jessie T-shirts,

coffee mugs,

and Tony the Thoughtless Doorman stress dolls.

Ah! I can feel my stress just melting away.

Emma, I can't do it.

I'm the one who forgot our anniversary.

I can't sing that mean song ever again.

But this festival is a huge deal!

A bunch of big-time artists have been discovered there.

You could be next!

(SIGHS) So, let me get this straight,

in order to get my big break,

I have to publicly trash my boyfriend

at a concert he's taking me to for our anniversary?

What am I gonna do?

Stress doll?

Okay, I'll distract Tony while you and Zuri sneak down to the park.

After you perform, I'll tell him there was a mix-up

and he was supposed to meet you down there.

(SIGHS) I can't believe I'm really doing this.

My stomach hasn't been this upset since I won the T-Bone Challenge

at Sir Loins-A-Lot.

Tony! My favorite pair of high heels is missing!

We have to look through the security camera footage

until we find that couture klepto.

Aw, man. Jessie and I are about to go out

on our date. Can't it wait until tomorrow?

Imagine if someone stole your hair gel!

Whoa! I didn't realize it was that serious.

What are you doing?

I just organized all my utensils by first name!

I mean, the normal not-weird way.

(SIGHS) Ravi and I are supposed to practice our fencing for school,

and I need a place to stash this.

He's been unbearable ever since I let him win.

Oh, there you are, Luke.

I thought you might have absconded with our equipment.

I do not blame you.

If I had to fence me, I would be scared like a little girl, too.

I'm not scared of you.

And neither are little girls.

And, FYI, you didn't beat me.

I let you win!

(LAUGHS) Oh, Luke.

Poor, simple, bad-at-fencing Luke.

There is no way you can beat me at anything remotely athletic!

Or fencing!

Well, it appears there is only one way to settle this!

En garde!

Fine, let's dance!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, I will not tolerate any fighting!

Unless it's in the living room where you can't break any of my friends.

I mean, stuff.

Wow. I haven't seen this many unshaved legs

since I took that free pottery class at the vegan co-op.

I just hope they're in the mood to drop some cash,

like their boyfriends dropped them.

I'm having second thoughts about trashing Tony

in front of this many people.

The guilt is starting to get to me.

Hey, look, it's Jessie! (WHISTLING)

You're our hero!

(ALL CHEERING)

That guilt starting to fade?

Little bit.

Prepare to taste the cold steel of defeat!

Please! I can beat you with one arm.

Oh, that can be arranged!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Admit it. I'm better!

Never! And brush your teeth, man! Your breath smells like dead feet!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(EXCLAIMS)

Uh-oh, that was really expensive.

(GASPS) Blame Zuri? Yep!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

You're going down!

It appears we both are!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

See? Here's me in those shoes at the mall.

And here's me in those shoes at a One D concert.

And here's me in... I get it!

You and those shoes are very tight.

No! They fit perfectly!

(PHONE BEEPS)

Hey, it's a text from Jessie.

"At the concert in the park. Has Tony left yet?"

Aw, man! I didn't know I was supposed to meet her there!

Tony, wait!

Ugh! Stupid reliable cell service!

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

Jessie, Tony's on his way to the park!

(BLADE SLASHING) Abort! Abort!

Hey! (GASPS)

Here you go.

And don't forget to buy your Tony the Thoughtless Doorman stress dolls!

(ALL CHEERING)

And now,

put your hands together

for the nanny who can't keep a manny,

the sitter who makes men wanna quit her,

Jessie Prescott!

(ALL CHEERING)

We love you!

Thank you all very much!

Some of you may have heard my song, The Worst Year of My Life.

(CHEERING)

All right!

(SONG STARTING)

♪ I'm in my fancy dress You said we'd leave at 8:00

♪ You're in your bowling shoes Oh, you call that a date?

♪ I should have known this wouldn't work

♪ You jerk ALL: You jerk!

♪ It was supposed to be Jessie?

♪ Our anniversary What's she doing on stage?

♪ Instead you chose this night...

Guess our tickets are better than I thought.

♪ There must be someone better ♪ Louder, Jessie!

Make that chauvinist pig Tony pay for ripping your heart out and stomping on it!

CROWD: Yeah!

♪ It was the worst year

Whoa, this Tony guy sounds like a real bad dude. ♪ It was the worst year

Hey, that's my name!

♪ Ripped my heart right from my chest... ♪

Tony? Who?

It's Tony! The guy who ditched Jessie to go bowling!

Here's a strike for ya, pal!

No. No, no, no, please!

It really wasn't like that at all!

Ow, ow! Hey! Why are you hitting me with those really good-looking dolls?

This is what you get for dumping me a month before our wedding, Harold!

Who's Harold? Ow!

Oh, Jessie. This is the worst anniversary date ever!

But it'll be great for my vlog!

Hey! Watch the epaulets!

(FEEDBACK SCREECHING)

Everybody stop!

Stop!

Look, none of this was Tony's fault!

I'm the one who got our anniversary wrong.

And even worse, I overreacted and wrote this mean

but, let's face it, pretty catchy, song.

Tony's actually a wonderful guy.

CROWD: Boo! (PEOPLE BOOING)

Oh, man, the crowd is turning on her.

I should probably do something.

Get your half-price Jessie merchandise!

Everything must go!

Tony, I'm sorry I let my ambition get the better of me.

You're an amazing boyfriend.

Oh, boo! No such thing!

And maybe it's not very poetic,

but I really do love you more than baloney.

That's beautiful.

And baloney is the world's greatest processed meat product.

That's what I said!

No. No! Jessie's a fraud!

She's just trying to profit from our pain!

We'd better hurry. They can move pretty quick in those sensible shoes.

(WHISTLES) Get 'em!

(ALL YELLING)

(SWORDS CLASHING)

(SCREAMING)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Aha!

Okay, brother. You have proven your point.

Quite literally, I might add.

(SCOFFS) Ravi, I didn't want it to go down like this,

but you were out of control.

I was just so excited to finally have bested the great Luke.

Go ahead, run me through and claim your victory.

No. I should've given you a chance to prove yourself.

You're actually really good.

Come on, man, let's go home.

Ha! I win!

You see? Fencing is more brains than brawn.

(VOCALIZING)

That was sneaky, and dirty, and underhanded.

I've never been prouder of you!

So, Tony, this is the song that I wanted to write you all along.

It just took me a while to find the right words.

This is called The Best Year of My Life.

♪ Runnin' side by side Hiding from the rain

♪ Sharing all our fears on the A train

♪ No destination It's just you and me

♪ Central Park after dark never looked so bright

♪ No room for wrong 'cause I found my Mr. Right

♪ Couldn't ask for anything better

♪ It was the best year

♪ It was the best year

♪ Had my heart right from the start

♪ And it's still my favorite part

♪ Of the best year

♪ 'Cause you were right here

♪ Every day and night knowing

♪ That you were mine was the best year of my life

♪ Best year of my life ♪

(CROWD CHEERING)

(SWORDS CLASHING) LUKE: Whoa!

You have incredible reach for someone so short!

RAVI: And you are very calculating for someone with such a tiny brain.

Whoa! (BOTH WHIMPERING)

Jessie! A little help?

(GRUNTING SOFTLY) Doesn't look like Mrs. K needs any help.

Don't let them go until they finish their homework.

(ROARS SOFTLY)