All language subtitles for Jessie.S01E18_2

Jessie! They're having
a Little Miss Big Apple
beauty pageant!

Could I be in it?

Zuri, beauty pageants
are sexist and
demeaning to women.

How many did you lose?

Three. Now go play.

So wise of you not to let
poor little Zuri into
the beauty pageant.

Having you as a nanny
is humiliating enough.

Agatha, I thought
we were friends now.

(IN BRITISH ACCENT)
Mates. Chums.

(IN AMERICAN ACCENT)
Well, you thought wrong.

I'm just thinking
of Zuri's feelings.

She wouldn't stand
a chance in this pageant
against my Lindsay.

Lindsay!

JESSIE: Whoa.

Talk about
beauty and the beast.

What do you mean?
Lindsay is lovely.

Having trouble connecting
those dots, are ya?

My point is Lindsay's face
has probably never
made a horse faint.

That horse was
very old, and clearly
weak from lack of oats.

Lindsay's a black belt
in karate.

Oh, please,
every kid takes karate.

Doesn't mean they
can actually do... (YELLS)

So Lindsay
can do karate.

Big deal.

Zuri is beautiful,
and talented,

and the most poised
little girl I've ever met!

I'm stuck in a bucket!
I'm stuck in a bucket!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(BOTH MIMICKING SIZZLING)

(GROANS) That's the
third time this week!

I gotta get you
a bucket that's
smaller than your head.

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

All right.
Let's go home and
butter up your head again.

Then afterwards
we are going to
start practicing.

For what?

You are going
to be entered in the Little
Miss Big Apple Beauty Pageant!

Mmm-hmm.

Gee, you get your
head stuck in a bucket
for two minutes,

and you miss so much!

* Oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh

* Hey Jessie, hey Jessie

* It feels like a party
every day

* Hey Jessie, hey Jessie

* But they keep on pulling
me every which way

* Hey Jessie, hey Jessie

* My whole world is changing
Turning around

* They got me going crazy
Yeah, they're shaking
the ground

* But they took a chance
on the new girl in town

* And I don't want to let them
down, down, down

* Hey Jessie

* Hey Jessie

* It feels like a party
every day

* Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, Jessie *

Yum, yum, yum, yum!

Ew! You're gonna eat
a rat with cheese?

Oh, dude,
that's a weird snack,
even for you.

This coming from a man
who puts chocolate syrup
on his spaghetti?

I'm thinking
of patenting that.

I'm gonna
call it "Chocoghetti."

I am doing
an experiment
for my science class.

I have not yet
fed Whiskers,
(CHUCKLES)

I call him Whiskers,

for 12 whole hours.

Now, I must record
how long it takes him
to find his food.

Aw, poor Whiskers.

I can hear his
tiny stomach grumbling.

Actually, that's me.

That chocoghetti
does not go down
without a fight.

I cannot stand it.

Eat up, my little
beady-eyed friend.

I cannot experiment on
this poor, innocent animal.

(EXCLAIMS)
Vermin in my kitchen!

And a rat.

Get that filthy rodent
out of here,

or you're both going
down the dumbwaiter shaft!

Too bad you can't
experiment on Bertram.

Are you thinking
what I am thinking?

That a minivan really
isn't that much smaller
than a regular van?

It is amazing
you can tie your shoes.

They're Velcro.

So, when Agatha said
Zuri could never
win a beauty pageant,

suddenly
all I could
was yellow!

Don't you mean red?

No, yellow.
I was looking
at her teeth.

I can't believe that
Gollum in a blazer
insulted my sister!

Emma, it's not nice
to insult people.

Now, let's work
on Zuri's interview

so we can beat the ugly
out of that she-troll!

Miss Ross,
who is your hero?

Chubby the Bear.

Okay. Let's change
that to George Washington.

If you had one wish,
what would it be?

To marry
Chubby the Bear.

Let's change that
to world peace.

Almost no one's
against that.

If you could
have lunch with
one historical figure,

who would it be?

And please don't say
Chubby the Bear.

Oh, don't be silly.

It would be Chubby
the Bear's grandfather,

Old Man Chubs.

This is gonna be
a bigger disappointment
than my Christmas bonus.

Okay, Zuri,
we're here to practice
your pageant walk.

Now, remember,
you'll have a poufy dress,

so use cupcake hands.

Last time I saw
somebody walk like that

was when Ravi
got hit in the head
with a baseball.

I'm trying
to strut my stuff.

Not that I got
much stuff to strut.

Ha! That's my
so-called "competition"?

She looks better with
the bucket on her head!

(LAUGHING)

Every time you laugh,
I expect to look up

and see flying monkeys
and, "Surrender, Dorothy."

One more
crack out of you,

and I'm going
to knock those
veneers in your mouth

from here to Battery Park.

My teeth are real.

Not for long.

Okay, okay, okay.

Zuri's already
got the beauty part
of the pageant won.

And she's gonna
win the talent part, too.

She's been taking
piano lessons,

and she'd be
playing Carnegie Hall if
her bedtime wasn't 7:30.

Piano? How boring.

I actually just
dozed off for a moment.

That explains the drool
and bad breath.

I'll show you
tiara-winning talent.

WhatHi-yah!u...

(GRUNTS)

Ow! That bishop
has a pointy hat!

(PLAYING FUR ELISE)

Zuri, that's beautiful!

You're gifted,
you're amazing!

Thank you!

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

And you can play
without touching the keys.

Oh, that's not me.
That's my teacher.

Oh. Well, let's hear
you play it.

Okay.

(PLAYING VERY SLOWLY)

(PLAYS WRONG NOTE)

That's all I know.

Well, then play
something you do know.

That's it.
That's all I know.

What? I drop you off for
piano lessons twice a week!
What do you do there?

Drink apple juice and
listen to Madame Kishka

sob about her
no-good ex-boyfriend.

Apparently, he was
playing hopscotch
with other women.

Isn't there any
piano teaching going on
at your piano lesson?

Nope.
Just a lot of crying.

That woman goes through
more tissues than Ravi
watching that dolphin movie.

(DOLPHIN CHITTERING)

The poor dolphin
does not have a tail!

It is so sad.

Well, obviously
we need to find
you a new talent.

And Madame Kishka
a new boyfriend.

That's not
going to be easy.

She moonlights as
a Hagar look-alike.

That's who she reminds me of!
It's been driving me crazy!

Experiment number one.

Determine if the test
subject can successfully
navigate labyrinth

in pursuit of a reward.

I have no idea
what you just said.

I just want to
mess with Bertram.

What the...

Emma must be on
another feng shui kick.

What is that
delightful fragrance?

Could that be
a rare Stella Royale,

the most magnificent
of all Spanish cheeses?

(SNIFFING)

Whoa! Bertram could be
a cheese bloodhound.

A-ha!

Oh! Come to me,
Stella Royale!

Wow!
He found the cheese
in 12.7 seconds.

And he ate it in 2.3.

Okay, you've been
taking ballet lessons.

And your ballet teacher is
emotionally stable, right?

Eh.

So show us your moves!

Okay.

Let me guess.
That's all you know?

Yup.

* Oh, say can you see
(SINGING FLAT)

(SNARLING)

* By the dawn's early light

Hold it,
Taylor-not-so-Swift.

I don't mean
to be judgmental,
but that was a bit pitchy.

And it might
have been treason.

Experiment number two.

If Bertram chooses
the unhealthy snack,

I will give him
a small electric shock.

If he selects
the healthy snack,
nothing will happen.

What's the fun in that?

I say we zap him
no matter what he does.

Bertram is coming. Hide!

(WHISTLING)

Cookies and carrots?

Cookies.
(CHUCKLES)

(ELECTRICOw! BUZZING)

Ooh! Cookies.

Ow!

Fascinating.
Subject displays absolutely
no learning curve.

Ow!

Zuri is so untalented
it's almost a talent.

Hello, Jessie.

I hope Zuri's talent
is being a human mop,

because Lindsay
is going to wipe
the floor with her.

Well, I hope
Lindsay's talent is
impersonating a turkey,

because Zuri's
going to beat the
stuffing out of her!

(LAUGHS)

Meh.

Well, if you're
so confident,

why don't we put
a little wager on it?

I don't believe
in gambling.

Whattaya got?

Whichever girl loses,
her nanny has to...

Hang from
the monkey bars,
upside down!

Dressed like a monkey!

Done! You won't
even need a costume.

Just don't shave
for a few hours.

What are you doing?
Zuri doesn't have a talent.

Unless desecrating the
national anthem counts.

I know. I just wanted to
wipe that snaggle-toothed
smirk off Agatha's face.

So what's your plan?

First, I'm going to cry.

I hope something good
will come out of that.

Experiment number three.
Effect of physical
exertion upon subject.

We get to watch
Bertram exercise?
(CHUCKLES)

This is gonna
be hysterical!

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

For the first time ever,
I'm glad I cleaned the oven.

If those two
want a rat,

I'm giving them
one that bites.

Ow!

All right, Zuri!
I got the answer
to winning the pageant.

You are going to sing!

But I can't sing.

Remember
all the neighbors
called to complain?

No, Zuri, they
weren't complaining.

No, they were just
worried you were hurt.

Look, I got this idea
when I thought you
were playing the piano.

Come on.

Now, pretend to sing.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

You want me to lip-synch?
But wouldn't that be wrong?

No, it's like air guitar
with your mouth.

Where on earth
did you get that thing?

Tony knows a guy.

Wheeling is the
latest fitness craze.

Everyone's doing it.
Athletes, supermodels,

really big hamsters.

I live to wheel!

But you may have
a go, my friend.

JuYeah, go ahead.n?

Whoa. Whoa.

Hey, look, Ma,
I'm wheelin'!

Subject is
displaying euphoria.

Whee!

Subject is now sweating
like a plow horse
with a cement saddle.

(GASPS)

Chest pain!

Chest pain!

Ah, I see a white light.

Grandma, is that you?

It's me. Pumpkin.

I would have called,
but I didn't have
your number.

(CHOKING)

Oh, my gosh!
Luke, what have we done?

All that exercise!
His body didn't know
what hit it!

This is horrible!
Luke, give him mouth
to mouth resuscitation!

I'd rather go to jail!

If Jessie grounded
us two days for not
eating our broccoli,

imagine the punishment
for offing a butler!

Wait!
I know what to do!

We'll need paper towels,
garbage bags, and a hatchet.

What?

(ALL SCREAMING)

That's right,
I'm alive!

And after what
you two have done to me,
you're lucky you are.

Bertram, I am truly
sorry for abusing you
in the name of science.

Luke made me do it.

Fish gotta swim.

In the future,
please remember,

I am a person,
not a science experiment.

So much for getting
an A on my project.

On the bright side,
at least we did not have
to collect a stool sample.

Now you tell me.

(GROANS)

(AUDIENCE CLAPPING)

Lindsay just got
a standing ovation for
kicking a guy in the gut.

That's not fair.
I did that to Ravi

and all I got
was grounded.

You know what?
You are gonna
do great, Zuri.

Okay?
I'm not even worried.

(RETCHING)

When did I have pizza?

So worried you'll lose
you're losing your lunch?

No. I was looking
for my earring.

You know what?
I'll get a new pair.

Rocked it.
My dad will be walking
with a limp for a month.

So, Jessie,
what do you take?

About a size
four monkey suit?

Oh, I want you to
beat them so bad!

Don't worry, Jessie.

As long as we use
your cheating idea,
we can't lose!

Shh!

Now, we agreed
lip-synching isn't
cheating, remember?

It's playing
to our strengths.

Gotcha.

I can't wait to
"play to my strengths"

on my spelling test.

And "play to my strengths"
Nowon my math test...

Stop, stop. Wait.
This is all wrong.

Because of me,
you now think
cheating is okay.

But you said people
do it all the time.

They do. Luke also
puts chocolate
on his spaghetti.

That does not
make it right!

Zuri, you're on!

The girl before you
is finishing her
interpretive dance

to the sounds of sea lions.

So you might not
come in last after all.

Thanks.
Something to hold on to.

Zuri, I'm so sorry.
I wish Madame Kishka
had taught you

more about piano
and less about heartbreak.

Jessie, I just
got a great idea!

Does it involve
changing our names
and fleeing the country?

'Cause I'm way
ahead of you.

Watch!
I'm gonna win this thing.

I know you are!
(CHUCKLING)

She's toast.

(IMITATES SEAL BARKING)

I will now
do an original,
dramatic monologue.

And it's gonna be good,
so get your cameras ready.

Why, Chubby?
Why did you leave me?

I'll never forget the day
you were not in the den
watching the cubs.

Zuri, smile!

Cupcake hands!

Why am I not
good enough for you?

Did you find sweeter honey
in the arms of another?

Even though
our life together
was often "grizzly,"

I can't bear
to see you go.

Stay, Chubby, stay!

And scene.

Zuri!
That was something!

Where did that come from?

It's what Madame Kishka
cries about during
my piano lessons.

I just substituted
Chubs for her no-good
ex-boyfriend, Leopold.

Well, first of all,
great job!

And second of all,
we're getting you a
new piano teacher.

Well, that was
the silliest thing
I've ever seen.

Apparently
you haven't looked
in the mirror recently.

You walked right
into that one.

MAN: (ON PA)
Ladies and gentlemen,
it's crowning time.

Our new Little
Miss Big Apple is...

Susie Gunter!

(BARKING)

ALL: Sea lion girl?

I didn't know they were
giving points for crazy.

Well, at least there's
a silver lining.

Since neither of us won,
neither of us has to dress up
like a monkey.

Wait a minute.

You said,
"Whoever loses."

And you both lost.

Now you listen to me?

Where were you when
I said having a pen pal
in juvie was a bad idea?

For once, I agree
with the twit from Texas.

Thank you.
Wait. Rude.

So, what you're teaching us
is that it's okay to
break your promises?

That's a fine lesson for two
impressionable little girls.

This is actually
kind of fun.

Which is a sad commentary
on the rest of your life.

Okay, I'm see no evil,
and hear no evil.

You're just evil.

Isn't that half hour up yet?

Oh, yeah. It was up
a long time ago.

We just wanted
to see how red
your faces would get.

I guessed
as red as a tomato.

I guessed fire truck.

I went with
baboon butt!

Let's get 'em.

For once,
I agree with Hagatha.

My legs are numb.

I can't even
feel my legs.

Should we run?
What if they catch us?

Please. Madame Kishka
has a better chance
of catching a husband.