Original subtitles

Where's Zuri? She never misses French Toast Friday.

No idea.

I, too, have no idea.

Bertram, may we please have some powdered sugar?

Sure.

(SCREAMS) Hasta la vista, butler!

(GROWLING)

BOTH: Thank you.

Very funny. Your super squirter's been terminated.

Hey! You can't do that!

I guess you can.

What's up with Bertram? And why does he smell like fruit salad?

Luke, wake up.

Hey.

Why are you so tired? I told you to go to bed at 9:30 last night.

And by 9:35, he was under the covers

with his laptop playing Cyborg Slayer.

Hey, nobody likes a snitch.

Except for your nanny. Thanks for the intel.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie

♪ It feels like a party every day

♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie

♪ But they keep on pulling me every which way

♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie

♪ My whole world is changing Turning around

♪ They got me going crazy the ground're shaking

♪ But they took a chance on the new girl in town

♪ And I don't want to let them down, down, down

♪ Hey Jessie

♪ Hey Jessie

♪ It feels like a party every day

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie ♪

Luke, I really don't want to tell your parents

you got sent home from school again.

Hey, I don't want to tell them, either.

When you decide let me know. story,

Seriously! talking in class.p

But it was school-related.

I was asking answers to the test.or

You were cheating, too?

No.

That's it. Go to your room.

No.

I said go to your room!

And think about what you've done!

Oh no, think about You monster!ne?

(CHUCKLING) You told him.

I hate having to punish the kids.

Punish? His room's got a thousand toys,

a plasma TV, and a snow cone machine.

My room doesn't even have a window.

He has a snow cone machine?

That's it! I'm gonna go up there and confiscate his flavored syrups!

Yeah, I've gotta work on my punishments.

I'm sick of Bertram taking all our stuff.

I say we go into his room and get it all back.

I don't know. We've never been inside.

No one has. It's like a penthouse Area 51.

It is creepier than the time I went spelunking

at the Kotumsar Caves of the Kanger Valley.

What happened there?

I lost my flashlight.

Ooh, scary.

It was.

When I went to the bathroom, I almost sat on a stalagmite.

Whatever. I just want my super squirter back!

I would not tempt fate by entering Bertram's room.

Rumor has it there was another child before me

who went in there and never came out.

Who told you that?

Bertram.

Then again, he did take Mr. Kipling's chew toy.

(GRUMBLES)

In Bertram's defense, the chew toy was his shoe,

and he was still wearing it.

Oh, man up!

Let's go take our stuff back!

Who's with me?

(GRUMBLES)

Luke, if you do not stop being so disobedient,

I'm gonna take away all of your toys!

Ugh, I wouldn't listen to me either.

Okay, you're talking to yourself,

so you're either an actress or a total weirdo,

not that there's that big of a difference.

I'm actually just practicing being more authoritative.

I have a wild one at home.

Ugh, I've been there. Can I sit?

Oh, I'm actually here for some alone time...

Have a seat.

With my Calvin, it's all about attitude.

You gotta be the one in charge!

You gotta say it like you mean it.

But my Luke just won't listen.

And the more I discipline him, the more he ignores me.

Aw, you poor thing.

You want some advice?

Grow a spine!

This Luke needs to know

there are gonna be real consequences when he misbehaves.

Reward good behavior, punish bad.

Huh. That was my dad's philosophy.

Back on the base, he either gave me extra rations,

or he made me dig a trench in the rain. Were you in the military?

Nah, I'm just from the Bronx.

Just do what I say,

and this Luke will be eating out of your hand.

Well, that sounds great, but how do I even get his attention?

(LOUD RATTLING)

Like that. Okay, I'm listening!

You're gonna have to speak into this ear.

(LAUGHING)

Luke, I told you to start your homework.

It's Saturday. Homework is a Sunday problem.

And if you get sent home from school again,

your parents will consider it a Jessie problem.

Luke! I said... Mute!

Hey! Mute!

Okay, wrangle, don't strangle.

Move! Move!

Off!

Hey! I'm watching America's Top Ten Water Park Mishaps!

There's a fat guy lodged in the flume tube.

Meanwhile, who wants a brownie treat?

Oh! I do! Luke does!

Well, you do a homework problem, you will get a brownie.

Maybe you should give me the brownie first.

Math takes a lot of energy.

That's not how it works.

(SIGHS) Fine.

One third times one half

equals one sixth?

Uh, sure.

Good boy, Luke. Next problem.

But I want to watch TV.

Luke.

Luke! (LOUD RATTLING)

Ow!

Quit it!

Homework. Now!

Okay, okay. I'll do it.

Good boy.

Keep going.

Dang it. This isn't working.

That's because you're trying to pick a lock with a crayon.

Let me try.

Nice!

If there's one thing I know how to do,

it's use a credit card.

(ALL GASPING)

This is

disturbing.

Yes. Back in my village,

we would say Bertram appears to be a few chickpeas short of a samosa.

(SCREAMS)

(HISSES)

What is that thing?

Some kind of ancient MP3 player.

That only gets AM radio.

What is AM radio?

Radio that you can only play in the morning. Duh.

Hey, there's my super squirter!

(GASPS) And my pogo stick!

And my bagpipes!

I find their mournful bleat quite relaxing.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Bertram's back! Run!

Ow! That really hurt.

On the bright side, I found my drum.

And my turtle.

Oh, hey!

Yo, Jessie. How did things go?

Oh, my gosh, your advice changed my life.

I put my foot down and Luke actually listened to me.

Finally! I knew there was a pit bull beneath that cutesy poodle exterior!

And the park is a great reward for good behavior.

Calvin loves it. You want to meet him?

I gotta warn you, though. He's a big licker.

How nice for you?

Hey. You call Luke.

While we chat, they can sniff each other's butts.

Excuse me?

(WHISTLES)

Hey, sit!

Good boy.

Jessie, meet Calvin.

That's Calvin?

Ruh-roh.

Calvin's a dog? I thought you were a nanny.

I am. A dog nanny.

A dog nanny? Is that even a thing?

This is New York. Thousand dollar pizza's a thing.

But I used dog training techniques on a human kid!

And what the heck is on that pizza?

(CHUCKLES) Luke's a kid?

From the way you talked about him,

I could have sworn he was a hyperactive labradoodle.

Jessie! Can I have some kettle corn?

No, Luke! No more treats!

Oh, please! Please! Please! No!

I can't. Please! Please! Please!

You can and you will. Please! Please! Please!

(SPITTING)

What the heck?

Squirrel!

I can't believe Bertram's still in bed.

I'm surprised he could find his bed.

(ALL LAUGHING)

All right.

What have you punks been up to?

ALL: Nothing!

Ravi, don't make me use my guilt look on you.

Shield your eyes, siblings! She will make you sing like a Malayan night heron!

Who broke into my room and touched my badger?

I can't believe you would all violate my privacy like that!

And leave such a mess!

We left a mess?

A mess that big had to start being made before we were all born!

But props for the giant dust bunny that looks like Jennifer Lopez.

Guys, breaking into Bertram's room is very wrong.

He deserves his privacy.

Thank you, Jessie.

He has a Peruvian mummy and a big jar of glass eyeballs!

This I gotta see!

Holy landfill!

I wasn't expecting company.

Bertram! You're a hoarder!

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)

No, I'm a collector.

Of everything.

So a hoarder.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)

Why do you have all this junk?

It's not junk! These are useful items that I might need someday.

You need a pile of old hair dryers?

Can't a bald man dream?

What about the tuba? Do you play?

Of course not. Who plays the tuba?

A ball of lint? Really, Bertram?

(SOBS) I'm so ashamed!

I'm not fit to hold a feather duster.

Help me, J-Lo!

She can't, but I will.

Bertram, you spend every day picking up after these kids.

For once, they are going to pick up after you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You want us to clean up all this?

Yeah. How many times has Bertram cleaned your rooms?

But our rooms are never dirty!

Right. Because Bertram cleans them!

Oh! That makes a lot more sense

than the sock fairy Zuri told me about.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Are we really gonna need all these trash bags?

I was thinking we could just start with some light dusting.

We should start with a light bonfire.

You've got to get rid of all... All? (STAMMERING)

Most of... Most of... (MUTTERING)

Some of that junk.

Bertram, just listen to Jessie.

She knows what's best for us.

Aw!

Thanks, buddy. Who wants a treat?

Good boy! Who's my good boy?

Luke is. Yes, he is!

(MAKES DOG-LIKE NOISE)

Bertram, was that weird, the way Jessie was just talking to me?

I don't know. I usually just tune her out.

Hold up. The walks in the park,

the pats on the head, the constant flow of snacks.

Jessie's been treating me like a dog!

Or

she's finally into me!

I'm going with the dog thing.

So. We'll have two piles. "Keep" and "donate."

Where are you donating it to? The dumpster.

Look what I found!

Pants for someone with comically large ankles!

Bell-bottoms, Bertram? I can't even look at you right now.

Donate pile!

No! The '70s are back.

I'll only use them for disco roller skating! Keep!

Bertram, we know this is hard,

but you're going to have to throw away something.

Kind of like how you threw away your pride

when you started collecting these Russian nesting dolls.

Can we put her in the donate pile?

Well, well.

Someone just lost his hubcaps of the world collection.

No! I need those!

Look at this mess!

Did you do this? Do I need to get the penny bottle?

(BARKING)

Hey! Stop!

Drop it! Drop it!

What is wrong with you?

You have been so obedient lately,

and now all of a sudden you're acting like a...

(GROWLING)

Oh.

I don't suppose a treat will fix this one, will it?

Easy! Okay, okay,

I can see where maybe I crossed a line, but I can explain.

I was only treating you like a dog because...

Well, there's really no good way to end that sentence.

(BARKING)

No! Bad Luke! Bad!

Behave! Or there's a rolled up newspaper in your future!

Well, thanks a million, kids!

You're right, the uncluttered life is amazing. See you!

Bertram? What about the rest of the room?

Why don't you just throw out my heart?

Which pile is that in?

It's all going. So bag, tag, and get ready to drag.

Back to work, fellow unpaid laborers!

(SOBBING)

No!

Let go!

My apple-head dolls are in here!

And my toilet paper cozies!

Avalanche!

(ALL SCREAMING)

My whole life just flashed before my eyes!

Most of it was napping and hiding my broccoli. I gotta get out more.

My life flashed before my eyes, too.

But that's because my shelf of photo albums fell on top of me.

Wait! Where's Ravi?

(GASPS) I don't see him!

Ravi! Are you still in there?

Gods, is that you?

No, it's Bertram. You're not dead.

Oh. So I have to keep cleaning?

Is death still an option?

Ravi, can you get to the door?

(GRUNTING)

No! I am trapped!

My arm is wedged beneath your giant lint boulder!

Oh, come on, it can't be that heavy!

On the contrary, sister, it is quite dense.

It appears to have a solid core of petrified socks.

I'll go get Jessie. She's great in a crisis.

JESSIE: Down, Luke! Down, boy! Somebody help me!

Please get me out! The junk is closing in!

Don't worry. Help is on the way!

He's doomed.

Hello, outside world.

I have decided to make this video in case the lint wins.

I can already feel the air getting thicker.

I am almost out of oxygen.

(COUGHING)

No. It is just the suffocating stench of Bertram's socks.

Hey, you broke into my room!

Quiet! I am shooting here!

Zuri, if you ever find this tape,

I want you to know you have been a wonderful little sister.

And I also want you to know

it was I who scratched your Dolly Parton CD.

I knew it!

And I-ee-I will always love you.

Good, you're here.

You have to save Ravi so I can pound him.

Ravi, are you okay? Can you hear me?

RAVI: Yes, but I am starving.

Oh, look, a cheese puff.

ALL: Don't eat anything!

RAVI: Not a cheese puff! It was not a cheese puff!

Get me out of here!

Oh, great. Now I have to tell Morgan and Christina

I turned Luke into a rabid Rottweiler,

and got Ravi buried under a giant landslide of junk!

On the bright side, you talked me out of that perm.

Now that would have been a disaster.

(BARKING)

Muzzle it, Fido. I know you're mad at me,

but we've got a kid stuck under a giant ball of lint!

(BARKS)

What's that, boy? You think you can find Ravi?

(BARKING)

And you think you can fit through that hole?

(BARKING)

Awesome! Go get him!

I didn't know you spoke canine.

I've been practicing in case I get a puppy for Christmas.

Hint, hint.

(GASPS) Yes!

Good boy, Luke! Ravi, are you okay?

I'm fine.

Guys, none of this would have happened

if I had just let you get rid of all my ridiculous junk.

I'm ready to throw it all away now.

Even the Russian nesting dolls?

My little babushkas? Have you no soul?

Luke, look, I'm really sorry I treated you like a dog.

But I'm responsible for you and I couldn't get you to listen any other way.

Without discipline, people end up out of control, like...

Hey!

Okay, Jessie, from now on, I promise to clean up my act.

I don't want to end up like Bertram.

I'm right here!

Ta-da!

From garbage pile to living in style!

Wow. This is amazing.

And look! I do have a window.

Oh! Thanks, guys.

Look, Bertram, we mounted your feather duster collection!

My precision grip Hawk Tail 3000! It never looked so good!

So, Bertram,

do you agree to stop hoarding junk

and to get rid of everything you don't really need?

Absolutely. Believe me, I've learned my lesson.

I'm a changed man.

(ALL GASPING)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)

You kept your eyeballs? For shame!

They were my mother's!

I wouldn't.

Back away from the eyeballs.

(ALL SHOUTING)

Kids, leave him alone.

(GASPS) All this time Bertram had my harmonica?

Sic him!