Original subtitles

ZURI: Come on, come on, come on!

Jessie! Do something about this.

Zuri, Bertram is a butler, not a ride.

You're telling me.

Spin! Spin! Spin!

Nothin'.

Come here. Oh!

I think someone needs to go to the park.

I think someone needs to be declawed.

You can't prove that's mine.

(SCREAMING)

I hate you! I hate you more!

Ooh, like roses are gonna hurt me!

Ow! Thorns!

Hey! Hey!

Come here. Come here. Get off him!

What's happening?

I do not know! I thought we were just playing tag!

I wonder if I can stay like this till they go off to college.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie

♪ It feels like a party every day

♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie

♪ But they keep on pulling me every which way

♪ Hey Jessie, hey Jessie

♪ My whole world is changing Turning around

♪ They got me going crazy Yeah, they're shaking the ground

♪ But they took a chance on the new girl in town

♪ And I don't want to let them down, down, down

♪ Hey Jessie

♪ Hey Jessie

♪ It feels like a party every day

♪ Hey, hey, hey hey, hey, Jessie ♪

Okay, my arms are getting tired and my deodorant's giving out!

I can confirm that.

So knock it off!

Luke took my computer and I need it to write my social studies report!

Well, I needed to play a video game,

and my computer fell in the toilet!

Again? Why can't you just read a magazine in there like everyone else?

Luke, you are grounded.

Emma, go write your report.

I can't until I go to the multicultural fair in Battery Park.

Oh, yeah? Is this like that time

you had to ride the roller coaster at Coney Island

for your physics report?

No, and I can't believe you bought that.

I have to do a photo essay on the different ethnic groups in New York.

B-T-Dubbs, the fair ends in three hours,

and my report is due tomorrow.

What? I cannot believe you waited until the last minute again!

Social Studies is hard!

When I first signed up, I thought it would be mostly social,

but it turns out to be mostly studies.

You have got to learn to manage your time better,

be more responsible, show some initiative.

OMG! I'm turning into my dad!

All I need is a crewcut, and a strange desire

to have people punch me in the stomach.

Can we talk about your weird family in the cab?

Oh, no. A cab will take forever.

Here. We'll take the subway and get there lickity split!

Did you just say, "The subway"?

And did you just say, "Lickity-split"?

Affirmative. Now grab your stuff

and move, move, move, you miserable maggots!

Did your drill sergeant father also say that?

Oh, no, that was my grandma.

Best crossing guard our town ever had.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

(SCREAMING)

Bertram! What's wrong? What is it?

(STUTTERING) Sp...

Spit it out, Bertram!

Spider!

Oh, hey.

(CHUCKLES) That was totally worth coming in for.

Why don't you just wear a sign that says "mug me"?

Because that would be dangerous. Would it not?

Ew! I hate the subway.

It smells like the inside of a camel.

Oh, it's not that bad.

It helps if you breathe through your mouth.

Meanwhile, the fair closes in two and a half hours.

Uh, we will make it,

and we'll have plenty of time left over

for Zuri to play in Battery Park,

and for Ravi to visit the Statue of Liberty.

I have always wanted to meet Lady Liberty.

She is my third favorite green person,

behind Oscar the Grouch and the Hulk.

(GROWLS)

Okay. Now remember, be polite to your fellow passengers.

Now I know how my crayons feel when I cram them into the box.

This is the monster we're dealing with.

See the oval pattern on its back?

That's the trademark of the speckled recluse,

the deadliest spider on the planet.

"If you've been bitten by the speckled recluse,

"first you start to itch,

"then you start to sweat,

"and after you've been bitten,

"the deadly venom floods your system,

"and you look like this!"

Oh! It's hideous!

The bulging eyes, the hairy legs,

the purple distended veins!

Oops, that's my Aunt Shirley at the water park.

(SCISSORS SNIPPING)

Sorry. Excuse me. Excuse me. Forgive me.

(MAN ANNOUNCES ON PA)

What did he say?

He said... (IMITATES ANNOUNCER)

Which means next stop, Battery Park.

Good, because I'm itching to go to the playground.

Or maybe it's just this guy's hair down my back.

Okay, I don't know which was more hideous,

that guy dropping hair all over me, or Granny Gaga!

At least you were not sitting at butt level.

I was right in the line of fire.

Okay. Anyway, here we are. Battery Park.

No, we're up at 168th Street.

Washington Heights!

Uh-oh.

Instead of going downtown, we went uptown!

Oh, great, we're halfway to the North Pole!

I'll have to write my report on Santa and his elves.

Really?

No, Zuri, she's just kidding.

Don't kid about Santa.

Ever.

(FESTIVE MUSIC PLAYING)

This music is quite infectious.

(COUGHING)

So is this guy's wet cough.

The fair ends in two hours!

Don't worry. I will get you there.

Although it wouldn't be such a rush

if you had been responsible and done your work.

Hey! At least I know north from south!

What are you doing?

Counting to ten. Just to warn you,

I'm at eight, and it's not working.

(ORIENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

We have taken the train all the way to China!

You can go a long way for $2.50.

I don't care where we are, as long as they have a park.

And a potty.

Jessie, we're in Chinatown.

We got on the wrong train. Again!

Hey! You think this is easy?

This map looks like the human nervous system!

Is that Staten Island or a hypothalamus? You tell me!

I'm telling you we should take a cab!

We'll never catch one this time of day.

Look, If we take the right train, we can be there in 10 minutes.

That's a big "if."

Meanwhile, my bathroom threat level

just went from green to yellow!

Did you know this man is playing

a traditional Chinese instrument called the ehru?

If I had my sitar, we could kick it Eastern-style.

Okay, I've finally figured out the map.

Oh, great!

Let's just check the map on the wall.

Does it tell us where we are?

No, because someone named "Wang" feels the need to

let everyone know where he's been.

And that he rules.

Why don't we just ask someone?

(SCREAMS)

ZURI: Oh, come on.

That's the least scary thing that we've seen down here.

Excuse me, Mr. Dragon. Hi.

How do you get to Battery Park?

The four train, got it. Thank you.

Zuri, hurry!

I'm going as fast as I can.

It's times like this, I miss my pull-ups.

Crickets are the speckled recluse's favorite prey.

As soon as it goes for it,

it's sayonara, spidey.

He's woven his last web.

Go! (SCREAMING)

(COUGHING)

(SCREAMING)

Victory is ours!

We went all Miss Muffett on his thorax!

Does he look dead?

Nope.

He looks mad.

(SCREAMS) Run!

There's a seat! Get it!

(GROANING)

That was the worst game of musical chairs ever.

(SNIFFS)

Emma, you need to hold on.

(SNEEZES)

I'd rather fall.

Please let this be the right train.

I've always been a good girl.

Okay, once in seventh grade,

I stole Mindy Dropkin's chocolate bar.

But all I had was an apple.

And quite frankly, with her acne, I was doing her a favor.

So please let this be the right train.

Having a private conversation here.

(INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT OVER PA)

Thanks. What would we do without you?

Ha! You had that coming.

(ACCORDION PLAYING)

And now we are in Germany!

This truly is a magic train.

I think we're in Yorkville,

a German neighborhood on the upper east side.

Which is even farther away from Battery Park!

When will I learn not to take directions from dragons?

I'm never going to make the fair,

and my whole grade depends on that report.

You will! You'll get to the fair.

Ravi, you will see the Statue of Liberty.

And Zuri, I will get you to a park and a bathroom.

I already took care of the bathroom thing.

You don't want to know.

You're right. I don't.

Okay, I'm pretty sure I've got it now.

So we take just a few more stops,

and then we transfer to the express train downtown.

Next stop, an A on your paper.

Emma?

Where are Emma and Ravi?

Oh, no! No, no, no!

Open the doors! Stop the train!

RAVI: Jessie! Jessie!

Jessie! Jessie!

Stop the train!

RAVI: Jessie! Jessie!

Stop!

If we never see them again, can I have Emma's room?

Too soon?

(RAVI SOBBING)

Ravi, Jessie will come back for us!

Calm down!

Oh, no! We have to get out of here!

Be careful, little boy.

By the way, nice traveling outfit.

You have very hard suspender buttons.

Ja, and now you have mein family crest

stamped on your forehead.

We have to go find Jessie!

No. Remember, Jessie said if we're ever lost,

stay put and hug a tree.

I see no trees!

May I?

(GROANS) Your fingernails are digging into mein lederhosen.

Okay, there's two of us, and one spider.

One spider. Here's the play.

You charge at him, and if he goes right,

you hit him with this.

What if he goes left?

You hit him with this.

What if he comes right at me?

Game over.

And where are you gonna be during all this?

I'm going to the movies.

Oh, no, you're not. You're grounded.

Bertram, you've already failed at life.

I've still got all my failure ahead of me.

See you. (GASPS)

Ew! Spiderweb! Bertram, help!

No! It might be on you!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(PEOPLE CLAPPING)

Fritz.

You're quite light on your feet for such a mountain of a man.

Danke.

Would you like to try some eisbein mit sauerkraut?

Sure.

Mmm!

Mmm. Not bad.

What is this delightful treat?

It is my grossmutter's pickled cabbage mit pork knuckles.

And suddenly I am full.

This puts the gross in grossmutter.

Where is Jessie? It has been more than 20 minutes.

She'll find us. I'm positive.

Have you not been paying attention today?

The woman could not find her way out of an elevator!

Okay, Jessie may not be good on the subway,

but I know she'll come back for us.

Emma! Ravi!

Jessie! Jessie!

Oh!

Oh! Thank goodness!

I told you they'd still be alive.

Although I did not see the elf hats coming.

Actually, these are traditional Bavarian Alpine hats.

Right, Fritz? Ja wohl.

I'm so proud of you guys

for remembering what I told you to do if you ever got lost.

You stayed calm, and you stayed put.

Actually, I was running around like a mongoose at a cobra convention,

but then, Emma calmed me down.

Great job, Emma. Way to be responsible.

By the way, (CHUCKLES)

we don't ever need to tell your parents about this whole

getting lost on the subway thing, right?

ALL: Right!

Ja. I hear nothing, I see nothing.

Meanwhile, the fair closes in an hour.

And we will make it.

All right. This time, everybody get on in front of me.

Bye, Fritz. Thank you for teaching us

your colorful, and somewhat abusive, traditional dance.

Auf wiedersehen, Fritz!

See? Watching every episode of Project Runway does pay off.

Remember, no matter what happens, we have to stick together.

Right. Together.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

It's every man for himself!

Did you get him? No, he's on the counter.

What?

Now he's on the cereal!

Man, that thing is fast.

Not as fast as me.

Where are you going?

Anywhere but here. And if this gets any more terrifying,

I might even take the stairs!

(BOTH SCREAMING)

He's getting closer!

Mr. Kipling, you saved us!

And my therapist says you can't solve your problems by eating them.

You are smaller than I thought you would be.

And I did not expect Lady Liberty to have such hairy pits.

Whee!

We will be at the fair in five minutes.

Told you the subway was great.

(WOMAN ON PA) Stalled train ahead.

We'll be stopped here for 45 minutes to an hour.

Have a good day.

What? You finally say something I can understand and that's it?

I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!

People are staring.

And that's saying something in New York.

I give up. I messed up everyone's day.

Zuri never even got to go to the park.

Whee! Look at me! Look at me!

Don't look at me!

Ravi never got to see the Statue of Liberty.

Say, "Green card."

Mr. Lady Liberty is even more wonderful than I dreamed.

She/he gave me a coupon

for a free hot dog at the Liber-dog Deli.

What a country!

Jessie, look around you.

Zuri and Ravi had a great time.

And I did get to see parts of New York I've never seen.

Or smelled before.

Hold up. Did you take pictures of everything you saw today?

Yep. You want to see a rat inside a burrito?

Pass. No.

What I mean is you met tons of different people

from tons of different cultures all over the city, right?

Right.

Here's a traditional Dominican band playing Merengue.

This is an ehru, a two stringed Chinese instrument

that sounds kind of like a cat giving birth.

Ooh, and here's Ravi eating a German delicacy,

pickled pork knuckles.

And here's Ravi throwing up pickled pork knuckles.

So do a little more research tonight,

slap on a title page, and there's your "A" paper!

You're right!

Thanks, Jessie!

Oh, next week I have a paper on primates.

Can we take the subway to the Bronx Zoo?

You can. I'm taking a cab.

Okay, everything's back to normal.

Except for that big dent in the counter.

By the way, when your parents are home don't ever move that vase.

Hey, wanna go watch a movie?

Sure. Anything except Arachnophobia, or Charlotte's Web.

(BOTH GASPING)

Remember when we read that the speckled recluse

could lay up to 2,000 eggs?

Uh-huh.

I think our spider was a mommy.

And we got ourselves some angry orphans!

All right, guys, keep it down. I don't want to wake Zuri.

I'm not asleep. I just didn't want to walk.

Well played.

I'm starving.

Do you think Bertram has dinner ready?

(SCREAMING) Bertram, they're on your back!

Get it off! Get it off!

He looks busy.

Anyone for the Statue of Liber-dog Deli?

ALL: Yeah!

I'm going to order the Benjamin Frankfurter.

(YELLING INDISTINCTLY)