Original subtitles

JESSIE: Whoo! Go, Luke!

Careful! If you break your neck, your parents will break mine!

Doesn't Luke have the most amazing moves?

Yeah, you should see him wiggle out of doing chores.

Why two cameras?

I can't decide which is his best side.

Plus, if I blink and miss something,

I have two back-ups.

Good thinking. Here I am, blinking and missing everything.

Are you a friend of his?

I wish!

We're in the same math class.

Hmm. Considering his grades, I'm stunned Luke even goes to math class.

Oh, he does! I've got the video to prove it. See?

I've got him texting, throwing spitballs, going sleepy-bye.

I didn't know Luke could go sleepy-bye without Kenny the Koala.

Uh, which is certainly not a stuffed bear he still sleeps with,

because that would be an inappropriate thing to reveal.

The point is Luke should be paying attention in math class.

Well, I am an A+ student.

I could help Luke get his grades up. And do his chores.

Could you come over tomorrow to help Luke study?

Oh, hmm. Let me check my schedule. Yes!

Hey, Luke, I got you a study buddy!

Creepy Connie?

Whoa!

He knows my name!

* Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh

* Hey Jessie, hey Jessie

* It feels like a party every day

* Hey Jessie, hey Jessie

* But they keep on pulling me every which way

* Hey Jessie, hey Jessie

* My whole world is changing Turning around

* They got me going crazy Yeah, they're shaking the ground

* But they took a chance on the new girl in town

* And I don't want to let them down, down, down

* Hey Jessie

* Hey Jessie

* It feels like a party every day

* Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie *

Bertram, check out this new fortune-telling app I downloaded.

It is called the Mystical iBall. It can see the future!

Oh, I can do that, too.

Am I done talking to Ravi about his stupid iBall app?

Yes. Ooh, spooky!

Please do not belittle my digital soothsayer.

Hey, Ravi, you wanna play Pony Princesses with me?

(NEIGHING)

Mystical iBall, should I play Pony Princesses with Zuri?

(WOMAN'S VOICE READING)

I am afraid I cannot commit at this time.

I just need another princess in Ponylandia!

I'm not asking you to cosign a loan!

Mystical iBall, should we consume this cereal?

WOMAN: Signs point to no.

Ew! Chunky milk!

The Mystical iBall was right! That proves it can see the future!

No, it just proves Bertram is too lazy to go to the store and buy milk.

I would, but it's so far away.

The grocery store delivers!

I meant from here to the door.

Luke, doesn't Kenny the Koala belong on your bed?

(SCOFFS) No! What am I, five years old?

I don't need that stupid bear anymore.

Well, then, maybe it's time for him to hibernate.

Stop! (GASPS)

Where's his little hat?

There you go, mate.

No worries.

You might not want to let Connie see that.

I can't believe you invited Creepy Connie Thompson here to study with me.

She's always checking me out.

So? You're always checking me out.

Well, yeah, but when I do it, it's cute and endearing.

Besides, hanging out with Connie will drop my coolness factor

by at least 80%.

That's, like, half!

See? This is why you need help with math.

Now, Connie is gonna be here in about two hours.

(ELEVATOR CHIMES)

Make that two seconds.

Hi, Luke! Sorry I'm early, but I just couldn't wait to see you!

...get better at math.

Mystical iBall, is it safe to take Mr. Kipling for a walk?

The answer is no.

Don't listen to that stupid thing.

You dare mock the Mystical iBall?

I double dog dare! Give me that.

I don't think you know anything.

That's right, I'm calling you out, iBall!

You gonna do something about it?

It is certain.

Oh, I do not wish to be caught in the middle of your mystical smackdown.

See? Nothing happened.

(STUFFED TOY WHINNYING)

(FABRIC TEARING)

No!

Let go!

That is what happens when you poke the iBall.

Why!

Do not worry, Zuri, you can get the rest of your pony

when it comes out the other end.

Okay, Luke. Here's one.

Three X

plus six

equals 15. Solve for X.

Whoa!

Are you sure that's not a typo?

Letters don't even belong in math.

Come on, Luke, you can do this.

Think of it like a dance routine.

Let's say you have a total of 15 moves in your routine, and you do six solo moves.

How many moves do you have left?

Nine, not counting the encore my fans always demand.

You did math! (GASPS)

I knew you had it in you, you beautiful mind, you!

(CLEARS THROAT) We are trying to study.

Oh, sorry. I'll let you two little mathletes keep up the good work.

I'm just gonna subtract myself from the equation.

So, Luke, I've got another problem for you.

There's a Harry Potter Costume Dance this Saturday

and one girl still needs a date.

Um, I don't see that. What page are you on?

I'm not talking about math. I'm talking about chemistry.

I don't take chemistry.

Uh, Connie, do you mind if I borrow Luke for a minute?

Sure!

(FEIGNING LAUGHTER)

(GROWLS)

Can't you see Connie wants you to ask her to that dance?

What? Ew.

It's just one night.

I am not going to some stupid school dress-up dance

with Creepy Connie.

She's not creepy. Plus, you should focus on girls your own age.

If you keep hitting on me, I'm gonna start pulling my hair out.

Yikes. Bald is a deal-breaker.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Hi, Connie.

Would you like to go to that incredibly lame Harry...

(SQUEALING) Yes!

Oh, this is so awesome! I already have our costumes picked out!

I can't wait for everyone to see how cute we look together!

I've gotta go whittle you a wand.

I wonder which knife I should use.

(CACKLING)

She's whittling me something.

And she has a knife collection.

That spells creepy with a capital "K"!

Bertram, sit down.

You don't have to tell me twice.

We have terrible news.

Terrible news? Your parents are having another kid?

No. The Mystical iBall predicts you are going to get hurt doing the splits.

Then you will choke on stuffing, and finally, a dark, shadowy figure

is going to take you away at 6:22 p.m. tomorrow.

You figured all that out by just asking yes and no questions?

We asked a lot of questions!

Hmm. Well, I have a prediction for you.

An incredibly handsome man

is going to tap dance out of the kitchen.

(MIMICKING VAUDEVILLE MUSIC)

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

The stench of doom permeates the kitchen like a blinding fog.

Sorry. That happens when I'm nervous.

Oh! (EXCLAIMING)

Oh, hey, Connie! So, how's Luke's wand coming?

Are you going dragon heartstring or phoenix feather?

That's for me to know and Luke to cast spells with.

Fair enough.

Oh. So, are you here to see Luke?

Actually,

I came to see you.

Oh, really?

I just want you to know that Luke and I

are going to be very happy together.

Okay.

From here on out, there is nothing between you and Luke!

There is nothing between me and Luke.

Remember that, because you do not want to make me angry.

Well. Didn't see that coming.

Now I can't see at all.

Oh, there you are. Creepy Connie texted me like 39 times today.

Forty, 41, 42.

Yeah. Here's the thing about Connie.

We just had a little talk in the elevator

and she might be kind of maybe a little...

What is the word that I'm looking for?

Creepy!

People get nicknames for a reason!

Oh!

That was awesome, Luke.

Between your dancing and the Harry Potter theme,

tomorrow night's going to be magical.

Yeah, uh, speaking of magical, our date has disappeared.

(EXCLAIMS)

I will not be ignored, Luke.

You're bending my collarbone!

(SCREAMS)

How dare you treat me this way!

It's all Jessie's fault!

She told me to tell you we had other plans.

Jessie? I told that old bat to step off my man!

(WHISTLING)

Ta-da!

Oh!

(CHUCKLES) I'll get that later.

No, I won't.

Bertram, Zuri and I will not stand by and watch you meet this terrible fate.

You must flee.

We packed all your stuff, including your Famous Butlers in History trading cards.

Careful! You're bending my 1928 mint condition Jeeves!

We are going to miss you, Bertram.

For the last time, I'm not going anywhere!

Nothing bad is going to happen to me!

(FABRIC TEARING)

The Mystical iBall said he was going to get hurt doing the splits!

He is doing the splits!

And he was eating a banana split!

A double split!

Meanwhile, I'm splitting my pants!

A triple split!

(LIGHT FIXTURE BUZZING)

(THUNDER CLAPPING)

(SCREAMING)

Okay, okay, this is all just my imagination.

I did not just see Creepy Connie holding Kenny the Koala out on the terrace.

And I do not see wet footprints heading toward the elevator.

(SCREAMS)

Again!

"Stay away from Luke and let him go to the dance

"or he'll never see Kenny the Koala again."

(GASPS)

Kenny's little hat!

This is beary, beary bad.

Well. It's about time.

Where's the bear?

He's safe. Somewhere far away from here where you'll never find him.

Is he in your backpack?

Maybe.

So, is Luke coming to the dance with me?

'Cause if not, the bear gets it.

Connie, you cannot charm a boy by breaking and entering

and stealing something he really cares about.

I speak from personal experience.

Luke told me you told him to cancel on me because you had plans,

but I'm telling you that's not happening,

because I'm Luke's girlfriend, not you!

What! I'm not his girlfriend. I'm his nanny!

"Potato," "potato."

No. Potato, nanny! Now give me back that koala!

It's time for him to go back home where he belongs down under.

Luke's comforter.

No.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Oh! Hey!

Stop! Give me...

Wow, I've seen bear traps give up easier!

(BOTH GASP)

Ooh! Luke's gonna be so mad at you!

What? No, this is your fault!

Now give me back that koala's head!

Huh, never thought I'd say that.

I'm keeping the head. And Luke!

This isn't over!

I think Kenny would disagree!

Hey, Luke, it's Connie.

Delete.

Hey, Lukey-pookie, Connie here. What's the haps?

Delete!

(WITH SOUTHERN ACCENT) Howdy, Luke, it's Nanny Jessie.

Yippee ki-yay!

(IN NORMAL ACCENT) Okay, fine, it's Connie.

Hey, Luke, what's new?

Creepy Connie has gone from texting to calling. Could this get any worse?

Maybe.

We must protect Bertram.

Okay, guys, I appreciate you monitoring my carb intake, but this is going too far.

The next prediction is you're going to choke on stuffing.

Then, a shadowy figure is gonna take you away for a permanent dirt nap.

So, we are banishing all possible stuffing ingredients.

Be gone, bread!

Adios, eggs.

Sayonara, sausage!

If you keep tossing, I won't have anything to cook you breakfast with.

On second thought, keep tossing.

Hey! There's no chocolate in stuffing.

A real friend doesn't take chances.

We have to stop Creepy Connie before someone gets hurt!

I'm afraid it's too late for that.

No! They killed Kenny!

I told you I'm not about to choke on stuffing!

(SOBS)

(GAGGING)

Ew! Stuffing!

Stuffing!)

And next comes the dirt nap!

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Everybody calm down!

Let's not lose our heads!

That was a bad choice of words.

(ALL SOBBING)

Hey, buddy. I baked you some

"I'm sorry I set you up with Creepy Connie" cookies.

They're extra nutty, like her.

It's 6:21. One minute left.

Do not worry, Bertram! Any shadowy figure coming after you

will have to go through me first.

And I'll treasure those three extra seconds.

It's ridiculous.

There's no shadowy figure coming to take me away at 6:22.

One minute later, I'll still be here stuck with you two.

Whoa, that's a lose-lose situation.

Suddenly, I don't feel bad about looking for a new butler at 6:23.

(ALL GASP)

I can't believe you two got me all worked up over nothing!

(ELEVATOR CHIMES)

(GASPS)

(BERTRAM SCREAMS)

Bertram. You have company.

Oh, thanks a lot.

I got your back, Bertram.

You want a piece of this butler?

Bring it!

(FIGURE SCREAMING)

Bertram! I'm out.

Holler at me from the other side.

Oh, please, please, please don't take me.

Take the children! They're hiding behind the couch!

(SCREAMS) It's hideous!

It's just a kid.

I know! Ahhh!

(BOTH EXCLAIM)

Connie's dressed like the grim reaper. That is not a good sign.

No, I'm a Dementor!

More like demented.

So, Luke, are you ready to go to the dance?

Kenny and I are.

Aren't we, Kenny?

That is just wrong!

Listen, Creepy... I mean, Connie.

Luke is not the guy for you. Trust me.

Yes, he is! Luke is perfect!

(ALL LAUGHING)

Hey!

Do you really want to go out

with a guy who still sleeps with a stuffed animal?

And a night light.

It's a reading light!

Yeah, shaped like a choo-choo.

(LAUGHS)

He also has the personal hygiene of a wolverine.

That's an insult to wolverines.

At least they occasionally lick themselves clean.

Who cares? When you really love someone, you can overlook anything.

Oh. Then I guess you don't care that Luke hasn't read one single word

of any of the Harry Potter books.

(GASPS)

I haven't even seen the movies.

So this is what it feels like when love dies.

Kenny?

Get him on the table.

Okay. I need a needle, thread, and 300 CCs of stuffing. Stat!

Do you really think you can fix him?

Hey.

If I can fix Zuri's pony after it went through Mr. Kipling,

I can fix anything.

Her tail is where her head used to be.

But she can still run like the wind.

Well, I'm still here. I guess your Mystical iBall

application isn't all-knowing after all.

I guess a $3 computer application cannot hold all the answers

to life's mysteries.

Yeah, those cost 4.99.

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

Blocked number?

Hello?

Lukey-pookie, it's Connie. I decided to forgive you.

I'm taking you back.

(SCREAMING)

He's so easy.