Original subtitles

- Morning. - Morning.

- Can I borrow this a quick sec? - I guess. That's kinda gross.

Well, every time we break up, you throw mine away.

Next time, I'll wrap it up in toilet paper

and store it under the sink.

FYI, I throw it away because it reminds me of you!

And how irresistible I am?

[SPITS]

- Love you, Cyn. - I love you, Jann.

[THEME MUSIC]

Hey, can you tell me what the weather's gonna be like today?

[AUTOMATED VOICE]: The weather in Calgary is sunny

with a chance of clouds. Expect a chill.

[DOOR SHUTS]

You two back together?

Let me just say this: this morning,

we may have shared a toothbrush.

Is that code for something?

- No. - We're back together.

Deciding to share a toothbrush comes at the worst time!

Well, she keeps throwing mine away!

Because I just scored Jann a single

on the Why Am I Still Single compilation album.

- What's that? - An album of singles,

by singles for singles

because people love being single now.

I do miss it sometimes.

Just keep your new relationship status low-key

until the single drops,

or until you inevitably break up again.

- Good plan. - Really?

Ahead of the song's official release,

we're going to Toronto to promote it on The Insight.

I do love that show. It's a guilty pleasure.

- What do you mean? - A guilty pleasure,

like something you secretly enjoy but it's kinda frivolous.

Like sleep?

I'm gonna start writing a new song.

I don't even need that much time.

I remember the feeling

of being single like it was yesterday.

No need. It's already done.

What, did you use one of my old tracks or something?

Better, remember when you recorded

your audiobook for your memoir?

One time, my mom sent me to school,

with a hotdog,

in a thermos full of boiling water.

Six hours later, the wiener was not coming out.

Ahem. Sorry.

Just give me a second here.

I am a hot mess. Hot, hot mess.

Why am I single? Is that what you're saying to yourself?

They sampled some of your takes to record a single,

and it's tight.

[ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS]

[JANN AUTO-TUNED]: ? I am a hot mess, I am ?

? I am a hot mess, hot mess ?

? Hey, why am I single? ?

[MUSIC STOPS]

That's not tight. That's tragic.

- That's relative. - Cynthia, tight or tragic?

Well, it's definitely a departure.

- Thank you. - But it's oddly catchy.

- Thank you. - I'm just being honest.

Well, that was your first mistake.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

I didn't want milk in my cereal.

I will have this one.

You look tired.

Yeah, I was up all last night with James.

I just didn't want to wake you.

[MAX]: Aww.

Can I have a spoon, please?

World's best dad.

Hey, I'm just living up to my title.

Mm-hmm. "World's Sexiest Grandma."

That's right.

This is just cream.

My parents are back from their cruise.

That was a long one.

Yeah, it was almost three months.

I'll probably bring James over there tomorrow,

assuming Mom wants to see her new grandchild.

Well...

Only if you're feeling up to it. I mean, your mom can

be exhausting.

That is true.

- [BOWL FALLS] - That wasn't me!

Can we please just get through one meal without a spill?

- [BOWL FALLS] - It was me this time.

Yeah.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

[VOCALISTS HARMONIZING]

Just be careful with the bunion.

I haven't had it officially diagnosed,

but I'm gonna just go with bunion.

I went on WebMD,

and they thought, you know,

maybe it might be an ingrown hair or a sixth toe.

So thank you so much.

Hey, thanks for coming.

I hate going behind her back,

but I didn't know what else to do.

Anytime.

It actually worked out perfectly.

Nia's napping between major press interviews.

She's really in demand!

Everyone wants a piece of her.

- I've never seen anything like it. - Cool.

She's so likeable, everyone's rooting for her to succeed.

Yeah, OK, moving on.

Why are we meeting here?

[SIGHS]

I had to go someplace where Cale would not set foot.

No offence, honestly, but you know what I mean.

If she saw us together, she'd lose it.

You sounded panicked on the phone. What's going on?

Cale had me record a single for singles about being single.

- Very "on brand." - OK. You're not wrong.

But the thing is, I had zero creative input

and I don't even remember recording the song!

- Have some funny mushroom tea? - I wish, but no.

- Listen to this. - [ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS]

[JANN AUTO-TUNED]: ? It's super hot in this booth ?

? I've got a wiener in my thermos ?

? I'm having another hot flash ?

? I've got a wiener in my thermos ?

[MUSIC STOPS]

Wow. [LAUGHS]

- That is... Hey, that is... - [BOTH LAUGH]

No, that is incredibly...

Bad?

Like very, very sort of... terrible.

It's kinda catchy!

You know what? I bet you on your way home in your car,

you're gonna be singin' it.

That's the hallmark of a good song.

OK, anyway, whatever.

What do you think I should do?

Write something better, Jann.

Like the kind of song you listen to on a rainy day while

sobbing into a tuna sandwich.

That is really specific, Todd.

You gotta paint the picture.

[SIGHS] Well...

I know where you're coming from.

I need to write something better than this garbage,

so maybe I can change Cale's mind.

Seriously, watch that bunion,

because if it turns out to be a boil,

you and I are both gonna be in a lot of trouble.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

[JANN PLAYS GUITAR AND SINGS] ? All that we have ?

? Is each other ?

? And that's all I ?

? Ever wanted ?

[DINGING]

What do you say?

It's still a no.

OK, imagine it without Rhonda.

No-no offence, Rhonda.

None taken. I have no clue what I'm doing.

Look, it's a great song, Jann but...

Just not for this.

The single stays the same.

Focus on your appearance on The Insight.

I'll see you at the airport tomorrow morning.

Oh, I meant to tell you that my mom wants to come,

which means Charley needs to come too.

That song made me feel really sad and lonely.

- [DOOR CLOSES] - Thank you!

- Do you wanna hang out? - Nope.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

Thanks for bringing us along, Auntie J!

This is gonna be so much fun.

I appreciate your optimism.

I love The Insight.

It's always telling me about the current trends.

That's how I learned

that mixing bold patterns is hot this season!

Well, I'm happy you guys are here.

It's good to have family close...

To use as human buffers.

Plus, this could be your last time on a plane.

- Well, yours too, Sparky. - Yeah, it could be.

We're gonna miss our flight!

- Here, hang onto this. - OK.

Mom... take one for the team.

Get in. Get in, get in.

Excuse me. Very elderly woman coming through.

- Oh, yeah. - She's got two titanium hips.

She's got water on the knee,

something on her arm,

a plate in her wrist,

and she's obviously quite clearly colour-blind.

Borderline incontinent.

Mom, dial it back!

You don't wanna have us put on a watch list.

[BEEPING]

Arms in. Arms in.

Hi.

- Hey. How you doing? Oh. - [OVER PA]: This is a reminder to please

do not leave your bags unattended.

Any unattended bags will be removed and destroyed.

- Ma'am, is this your bag? - Yes.

I'm gonna have to open it. I see something concerning.

I'm gonna stop you right there and I'm gonna tell you

that's exactly what you think it is.

And what do I think it is?

It is a... pocket frother.

I am very particular about my lattes.

Please don't confiscate it.

I gave it to her for Christmas.

She's incontinent.

- Just go. - Yeah.

Ruins a lot of pants.

Grab my stuff, Charley.

[SOFT MUSIC]

Mom?

Mom?

Mother?

- Mom! - Oh!

Oh, jeez! Davie, you scared the crap out of me.

I guess you didn't hear me yelling your name over and over?

I was listening to a podcast on global warming.

Ooh. And?

And Grammy learned that we are...

Doomed, doomed, doomed, doomed, doomed, doomed!

There's nothing stopping it.

We've got about eight good years left.

- Oh, well! - So why bother with the yoga?

Oh, I started doing it on the cruise.

I mean, mainly just to spend time with the instructor.

He was really hot.

And Dad?

Dad find the instructor really hot?

- [LAUGHS]

Davie, you know your father would never do yoga.

Oh, of course not.

That's fine. I'm gonna get myself a glass of water.

Hey, what happened to all the family photos?

Oh, I got sick of looking at them.

I never liked my hair. It never fell right.

I got my d�cor tips from The Insight.

Mm.

That one right there, that's my favourite.

Ah, what a journey.

- [CHUCKLES] - So, do you, uh,

- do you even want this? - Yes, of course I do!

Just put it in the drawer.

No, no. Not that one, the one behind you.

Oh, the junk drawer.

Oh, she is perfect, Davie.

- What an angel! - Yeah, we like her.

Ooh. I'm your Grammy Georgie.

I don't think you need that

silly little hat any longer, do you?

- [JAMES COOS] - I'm really happy you're home.

Aw, yeah. Me too. If only for a few days.

What? You're leaving again?

I thought I told you.

We're doing a bike trip around the French countryside.

Mm! We leave on Friday.

Oh, we'll be back by Christmas.

I mean, that is...

If we don't extend into Italy.

That's unbelievable.

I mean, you already missed her birth.

- I saw the video. - Yeah, but

now you're leaving again?

You know, between you and your sisters,

I've got nine grandbabies.

Now, I could spend the remainder of my good years

wiping snotty noses,

but I've already done that with my own kids!

This is my time.

I wanna go places.

- I wanna do things. - Like what?

I don't know! Whatever I feel like doing.

Like fawn over yoga instructors?

- Well, if I feel like it, yes. - Why not?

I wanna learn to rollerblade.

I wanna go zip lining and maybe

I wanna try my hand at nude volleyball.

What are you talking about?!

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

Sound check went well. You feel ready?

The song is basically one line.

- I think I got it. - Good.

When you're out there, just remember

to plug the single as much as possible.

Not my first rodeo.

Gram and I are gonna take our seats

in the studio audience.

OK.

- Mom? What are you doing? - I'm gonna play a drinking game.

Every time I see my face on TV,

I'm gonna take a shot.

Please tell me you're joking.

- I will if you want me to. - Just go!

[JANN SIGHS]

So much for human buffers.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS]

Joining us now, the one and only Jann Arden!

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]

[INAUDIBLE SPEAKING]

[BOTH]: Hi!

[CHARLEY]: Ah, it's Jann!

Camera one, stay off the old lady for obvious reasons.

It is so great to see you!

So good to be seen. Hey, K.D.

- Hello. - Holy moly!

Yeah, well, the two of you, you're both from Calgary.

So you must have worked together at some point before.

- I've always wanted to. - No.

Well, we just haven't found the right project, I don't...

I've never looked.

OK. So Jann, why don't you fill us in

on what you've been up to lately?

I had my gall bladder out.

- Oh! Wow. - Quite a surprise. Uh...

Interesting surgery.

They go in laparoscopically and they cut it off

and they put it into a bag and they

yank it out through your belly button

and honestly, it's the closest

I'll ever get to having a baby, right?

But anyway, thank you. I got that beautiful

edible floral arrangement from you.

Oh. My management must

- have sent that to you. - Oh. Well, it was nice.

Is there anything else you wanna talk about?

Maybe more career-related?

Huh. Uh...

I think I've been just doing some reassessing

of everything and really concentrating on self-care.

Oh, isn't that great?

[APPLAUSE]

Absolutely. I mean, when that oxygen mask drops,

you gotta put it on yourself first, am I right?

- [INAUDIBLE SPEAKING] - You're so right. So right.

Oh, I, uh, I have a new single as well.

Oh, we are so excited to hear about it.

I hear it's a real, like, departure for you.

It is not even on this planet.

It's very departed.

OK, well, what would you two both say

has been the key to your career longevity?

- Say yes to everything. - I'm the opposite.

- I don't say yes to everything. - No kidding.

I like to choose my projects super carefully,

so that my most authentic self connects with the audience.

- Mm-hmm. - I wanna do that too.

- I wanna be truer to myself. - Yeah. Otherwise, there's no point.

- You're right. - I know.

That is really beautiful.

Coming up next, Jann is gonna be performing her new single.

Don't go anywhere.

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS]

I'm feeling judged by you, Davie.

Well, that's good, Mom, because I am judging you.

What, is it the nude volleyball?

- Is that what you're bumping on? - Uh-huh!

Well, I YouTubed it and volleyball is not that hard.

It's not the difficult...

Wait, where's Dad? Maybe he can get us back on track.

He's at his pottery class.

Pottery? Since when?

Since he got a crush on his teacher.

What is this fresh hell?

Oh God, just relax, Davie.

We're still very much together.

We've just loosened up a little on...

Societal constructions.

It makes it all much more interesting.

What's the point of being interesting now?

You're 70.

Well, it's now or never.

Yeah, I guess. I'm sorry.

- It's just been a lot. - It's OK. Good girl.

James isn't the best sleeper. Work's been slow.

And Nora's... moved back in with us.

Do you want to see my pictures from Burning Man?

Oh... I'd rather die.

Well, that's not really the spirit of Burning Man.

I'm trying to tell you something here.

All right. What?

I'm overwhelmed.

And I need my Mom.

Oh, Davie, I didn't realize.

I'm...

You know, you've always been so self-sufficient.

Well, I mean, it's just everything seems to be

a bit of a grind right now and there's just...

There's just no end in sight.

You know what you need?

- Oh, God. What? - A holiday.

With what time?

- What money? - All right. You just hold on.

- On the fridge. - Ah!

And... here.

What's this?

A few months ago, we had all the locks changed in the house

because your sisters kept dropping by with all their kids

for free babysitting, but I want you...

- To have these. - Why?

We'll be away, so you can come here

whenever you need to decompress. You can...

Have a boys night. You can...

Play video games. You can use the hot tub.

- Say what? You got a hot tub? - Yup.

- And it's clothing optional. - Ah...

That's neat.

I love you, Davie.

I love you too, Mom.

Come-Oh! [LAUGHS]

How often do you clean the water in that hot tub?

Here to perform her new hit, "Hot Mess," Jann Arden!

- [APPLAUSE AND CHEERING] - [INAUDIBLE SPEAKING]

[ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS]

? ?

I'm-I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. Can we just stop the track?

Can we just stop the tr...

I'm so sorry. I, uh,

I'm just not feeling it.

You know, in the spirit of-of-of self-care,

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What is happening?

I'm, uh, I'm gonna do a song

that I actually kind of like and that I'm proud of.

Oh, hell no.

So...

Hope you like it.

? Take your coat ?

? And shoes off ?

? Come and sit ?

? Beside me ?

? We could talk ?

? For hours ?

? Or we could just ?

? Do nothing ?

? Four billion people surround us ?

? So many souls ?

? Lose their way ?

? All that we have ?

? Is each other ?

? And that's all I ?

? Ever wanted ?

? Yeah, yeah ?

? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ?

? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ?

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]

Thanks, everybody.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS]

? The Insight ?

That crap you pulled was way out of line.

Maybe you're still not clear on the definition of self-care.

I'm well aware,

but what you need to understand

is what you did wasn't self-care.

It was self-ish.

Sadly, that's kind of your zone.

Oh, you are way off base.

I think I'll walk this time.

- Whoa! - Not happening.

Your feeble frame is my ticket to more legroom

and an upgraded snack.

- You're the selfish one. - No, I'm not.

Hey, Cale, so they didn't have any gluten-free options,

- so I... - Then keep looking!

This isn't over.

[OVER PA]: This is your pre-boarding call

for Flight 223 to Calgary,

Flight 223 to Calgary.

If you'll excuse me,

my sad, tired geriatric of a mom needs me.

- Hey. - Hi.

How did it go with your mom?

Oh, as expected.

Uh-oh.

Yeah. She means well,

but it's just crazy how Nora's

so involved with the kids and

wants to spend as much time as she can with us.

And then there's my mom, who's...

toying with the idea of joining a nudist colony.

- Again? - Yeah.

It seems cyclical, doesn't it?

Well, your mom's always been a bit of a flake.

I mean, maybe that is why you are so reliable.

Awesome.

I love being Mr. Reliable Caregiver Man.

It's very, very sexy.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Is it as sexy as this...

this sculpture of chanterelles my dad made in pottery class?

Well, it doesn't look a lot like a mushroom.

You know what? You're right. It does not.

Please hide that in the garbage.

Oh, OK. Done.

You need a break.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

What'd you have in mind?

Why don't I get her in her crib,

and then you and I hop in the shower?

Or... I lay down

and you make out with me.

- Oh! Done. - [DAVE CHUCKLES]

[PHONE RINGING]

- Oh, hey. - Jann, I caught the show.

- The song was amazing! - You liked it?

I'm glad you worked it out with Cale.

Boarding pass?

Yeah, um, singing the song

was more of a spontaneous

off-the-cuff kind of a thing. I didn't...

I didn't really run it past Cale.

- Oh, one of those? - One of what?

Open to the picture page.

I called it 'Janning-it'.

Never thought I'd say this but poor Cale.

Those weren't my favourite moments managing you.

Oh, come on!

It's frustrating because I can't

manipulate Cale the way I could with you.

- What do you mean? - I got you to write my memoir, Todd!

In my memory, I offered.

Plus, you gave me the dedication.

- You gave it to yourself! - In my memory, you offered.

Yeah, I'll be home soon, Cynthia.

- I love you. - I love you too, Jann!

- Have a nice flight. - Thank you.

We're scheduled to film a music video

for the single in the next few days.

Can I assume you will actually

follow through on the plan this time?

Yes, yes!

- This is my verbal confirmation. - OK, good.

Now, I'm gonna get on that plane and watch

four episodes of Deadliest Catch.

Self-care.

Hang on, I'm gonna ride you down the ramp, Mom!

Woohoo!

I'm having one of the worst hot-flashes of my life.

You could fry eggs on my stomach.

I'm like a human Crock-Pot.

Is there AC in here?

Water is, is literally running like a river thought my boobs.

My God, it's going down the crack of my arse.

Can I get electrocuted in here?

Is there any air?

Hello? There is no AC in here.

Jesus Christ!

I just need someone in here to pull a sleeve.

Could I get someone in here to pull a sleeve?

synced & corrected by PopcornAWH www.addic7ed.com

I'm bring my A game.

I'm getting botox. I'm getting a blowout.

I'm doing the whole works.

Really?

?

Look at my bum!

Can't talk now Max, I'm covered in balls.

Don't really know how to do a robot.

Oh!

I don't want to do it.

What if I have gas.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0