Original subtitles

I've done a lot of soul searching lately,

and I've come to realise that the biggest problem

in my relationship is my partner.

Unpack that for me.

Shake it out, put it on some hangers.

Well, she's self-centered, thoughtless,

flaky, and worst of all,

she's inconsistent with all of that,

because the other half of the time,

she's lovely and generous and she makes me laugh,

and that somehow just adds to my frustration.

That sounds quite challenging.

- Yeah. - Jann?

- What do you think? - Oh, I don't.

- You don't? - She doesn't.

OK, both of you, on your feet.

OK, we're gonna need some room.

I got this. You, limber up.

Jann, limber up and explore the space.

- I'm good. - Jann!

Some couples can solve their problems

with chitchat on a sofa.

But you two need to three-dimensionalise your communication.

You need to get out of your heads and into your bodies.

So, let's wake up our faces with some lip trills.

Brr!!

Brr!!

Take it out on the bear. No limitations. One at a time.

(GRUNTING)

If your partner was a celebrity, who would she be?

- Jann Arden. - No, a real celebrity. An American.

Oh.

When the ball comes to you,

you make the sound of your inner animal.

- Meow? Meow, meow! - Good!

Meow! Meow!

Ee-haw! Ee-haw!

- Jackass? - Go. Woo! Woo!

Sorry, this will have to wait.

- We've run out of time. - What a shame!

That's too bad.

So, your homework:

be there for each other.

You each get to ask the other to drop everything for you

once this week.

OK?

- Great. See you next time. - OK.

Come dressed to move!

I don't think I love you enough to do... improv games.

Well, you're gonna love me even less when you find out

that I pre-paid for three sessions.

- I don't like surprises. - Says the woman

- who's constantly surprising everyone. - I need signatures.

Dammit, Cale! What are you doing here?

My job. You've got a new batch of non-disclosure agreements to sign.

- For what? - Can't say. I signed them, too.

This is our therapist's office.

It is a sacred place.

I once got signatures from a music exec during her C-section.

- I doubt that's legally binding. - Definitely not.

At the time, she was tripping all the balls.

- It's Max. Hey, Max. - I need a favour.

Can you be "celebrity" judge at tonight's school's talent show?

- How much does... - None. No money.

- Will they have... - No. No food either.

There's just bake sale stuff, and you'd have to buy that.

- Stupid. - Please just do it.

Well, I kinda heard finger quotes around the word "celebrity."

This is important, OK?

If I don't rescue the talent show,

then I'm kicked off the Parents' Committee.

And I already have two strikes.

Hi! This is Cale, Jann's manager.

Jann's time is extremely limited, so she must decline.

But she wishes you the best of luck

- with your endeavour. - Yes!

Hey. Listen to me! Most of the people

on the Parents' Committee are pure garbage.

If I'm kicked off, then I can't vote down their garbage ideas.

I'm sure it's not that bad.

I say we cancel Anti-Bullying Day

so our kids don't grow up to be loser snowflakes.

- All in favour? - (ALL): Aye!

Excellent.

Oh, geez. Okay, I'll... I'll do it.

Great. Look, I don't have time for a long thank you.

That woman needs therapy.

My entire job is to get you better gigs,

and you accept Talent Night?

I owe it to Max for going on tour.

Maybe this will make it up to her.

I'm calling in my therapy favour,

because tonight is going to be a living hell,

so I need you to be there.

- Then I will be there. - OK.

I have a few things to finish up at work.

But I'll see you tonight.

- Bye. - Bye.

Her work ethic is attractive.

I work too, Cale. And I don't need you popping up everywhere I go

like a freaking serial killer!

So you don't need me to remind you

that you've got lunch with the winner of last week's silent auction

in 25 minutes?

Pfft. No.

I remembered that.

I'm leaving to go there right now.

Here I go.

Want me to send the address?

Cale, if that makes you happy, then yes.

Drop me a pin.

(CRUNCHING)

I hear ice crunching. What are you stressed about?

Well, loads of things, but one being Charley has a new job.

I thought she became a sandwich artist.

Fired due to lack of creativity.

Jesus.

What's her new gig?

I'm afraid to ask.

But she's out in the garage waiting to show me.

OK. I'll go.

But I swear to God, if it's a grow-op,

you're looking at an angel investor.

Thank you. I just don't have the energy for it right now.

Yeah. Well, neither do I, but that's the difference

between a man and a hero.

- What do you think? - I think it's a rickshaw.

It's a foot taxi. And it's such a good opportunity!

All I need is an app and my own foot taxi

to start accepting rides.

You know, I know you really want to find your "thing,"

but I think you need to start

giving these jobs just a little more thought,

- because... - Daddy!

Frankie broke the toilet!

OK, you know what, you do you.

?

Hey, I am so sorry I'm late,

there was a family of Canada Geese

that was crossing 16th Ave.

- Traffic was backed... - The old Goose Excuse, eh?

It's served us well in the past, hasn't it, Jann?

Todd!

What are you doing here?

I'm supposed to be having lunch with whatever psycho

- won me at the silent auction. - Surprise!

- I'm the psycho! - You paid to have lunch with me?

Your auction was getting ignored,

so I pledged 200 bucks to get it moving.

An hour later, I outbid myself by another 100.

Hey, we may not be in business anymore,

but I've always loved a Jann Lunch.

Well, you're very sweet, so thank you.

Nothing any manager, former manager,

wouldn't do for their client. Friend.

Oh, I can think of one manager

that wouldn't this in a bajillion years.

- What is this? - It's a Jann Lunch!

First course is always filling up on bread.

Yes, Jann Lunch!

We cannot be late, OK? Just make sure

- that you have everything that you need! - OK.

I made sure they peed, snacks are in the car,

and I've got their stems!

Dave? Where are you?

Sorry, we had a situation up to the shoulder blades.

The onesie couldn't be saved.

Hey, Charley, we're off, so good luck with your... rickshaw shift.

Foot taxi. But I don't think I can do this.

Oh, come on! You've gotta stop giving up so quick... oh!

This is the uniform they sent me.

OK, so when they said all-female company,

- they meant... - Hooters on wheels?

That's exactly what they're going for, yeah.

- I'm such an idiot. - No, you're not.

I mean, how were you supposed to know?

The company is called...

Haul Girl.

Oh. Then yeah, you should've known.

Here come the judge, here come the judge!

I know it's an old reference, but if you google it

you'll realise how super funny it is.

What are you doing here?

I thought you were gonna meet us at the school.

I got a lift with Todd. I thought I'd ride with you guys.

Yeah, but we have two boosters and a car seat

and Mom and a crap ton of banana bread,

- so there's no room for you. - What am I supposed to do, walk?

No. There's an app for that.

- How are you doing back there? - Oh, I'm really, really great.

You warm enough in those shorts, Charley?

I'm worried about your colon catching a chill.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hey, Cale. Five minutes away.

Maybe fifteen.

(PHONE CHIMING)

- _ - Oh, you've gotta be freaking kidding me!

Pothole!

Thank you.

There's gotta be, like, three bake sales'

- worth of banana bread in here. - Oh, come on.

The Parents Committee is very hard to impress,

- and Bitchy Liz hates me. - Yeah.

I know. Well, we all know she likes me.

A little too much. Hi, Liz.

Yeah, well, that's probably 'cause she's married

to the single most boring man on the planet.

I mean, he is off-the-charts hot,

but a conversation with him is like listening to paint dry.

- I don't think that's a saying. - Anyway, the point is,

that Bitchy Liz just can't resist

your average guy depth and complexity.

Average, huh? Here she comes.

- You're on your own. - Uh...

Max! So glad that you decided to show up.

Where's your sister? What's her name? Fran?

- Jann. Jann. - Stan? Oh, Jann.

She will be here any minute

and she's really excited to make this a night to remember.

Just to be clear, this event is well below Jann's typical standards,

so you need to expect the bare minimum from her tonight.

And no photos.

So I think it's gonna be a great night!

Well, for your sake, I hope so.

- Do you need help dismounting? - Nope.

Oh!

I'm just texting some very carefully curated words and emojis.

Here.

- Everything will be fine. - OK...

Gotta run.

- You can tip me on the app! - No, thanks!

(PHONE CHIMING)

_

Guess I'm doin' this.

Hi, it's Cynthia.

Leave me a message, or I'll see you in court.

Hey, it's me. Do you mind calling me back?

I think we need to have a calm and open conversation

about how you cancelling on me is really, really, really not OK.

- Ah! - Normally I don't mind

if work stuff comes up, but this is a little bit different

because this was our relationship homework

and I brayed like a donkey for you, goddammit!

There you are! Come on!

Ow! You're pinching me!

I need you in your judge's chair right away,

we're starting soon.

Just promise me I'm not gonna regret asking you to do this.

- Max, I promise. I'm here for you. - (PHONE CHIMING)

That's her reply?

"K"?

Just the one letter?

- Not even the "O"? - OK.

Oh, gosh!

You modern dads. I mean, so involved!

I'm literally just holding her.

- Is the fatherhood bar really that low? - (LAUGHING)

Oh, my God! Uh-oh, he's funny, too.

- Taxi for Brad? - Yep.

All right. Where to?

Anywhere you're going, babe.

Aaaand I'm done.

Hello! And on behalf of the Parents Committee,

of which I am definitely a member,

I would like to welcome you to tonight's talent show.

- (JANN TEXTING FURIOUSLY) - Or as we like to call it,

Mount Pleasant's Got Talent.

(APPLAUSE)

Now, we have a great show lined up for you tonight:

we've got music,

and magic, and acting,

and some kind of computer thing; so we have just got it all.

Now, we are about to get started, so now would be a good time

to put your phones away.

Now, before we get started, I would like to introduce to you

- tonight's celebrity judge! - Hi.

No, I can talk, it's OK.

My big sister, Jann Arden!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I'm sorry? I couldn't hear you. Yeah.

They're all clapping. You're going to a working dinner?

So Jann will give the performers her professional feedback,

and at the end of the night, she will announce tonight's winner.

You're going to a dinner with Maggie?!

- Jann! - I gotta go.

But, oh, my God, Maggie?

OK, let the talent show begin!

(APPLAUSE)

? I'm squishing up my baby bumblebee ?

? Won't my mommy be so proud of meeeeeee? ?

She's not even watching.

That costume is store-bought, and it shows.

She literally just keeps texting.

Our girls are so much better than this, it's almost sad.

? It's all over me ?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

Feedback!

Ahem!

Yes. My feedback.

My feedback to you is: at least you showed up.

Which is more than I can say for some people,

because some people said they were gonna show up,

and did they show up?

- No! - OK,

so we're just having some technical difficulties.

We're gonna take a short intermission

and then we'll just return with the show.

Make sure to do the Cake Walk!

- Cale. Baby. - No, no, no, no!

I guess I should introduce myself. My name is Cale.

I'm an artists' representative.

Hey, is that banana bread?

Where... where... where are people getting that?

- Hey! - What is wrong with you?

I'm so glad you asked.

After therapy, Cynthia promised me

- that we would, you know... - Nobody cares!

OK? It sucks that she's not here for you,

but it also sucks that you're not here for me, or these kids,

or all these people that are actually excited

that you're here tonight.

You said that you would help me.

Can you just be an adult and do what you said you'd do?

- Mmm! - (CHUCKLING)

Oh!

(CHUCKLING)

(STAMMERING)

Oh. Here. No. No this way.

Just move it!

OK, so, welcome back.

If everybody could please take your seats, we're about to start

- the second half of the show. - Oh. Thank you.

- ? You say potato ? - ? And I say potato ?

- ? You say tomato ? - ? And I say tomato ?

(HIP-HOP MUSIC)

? Making all my dreams a reality ?

My talent is completing levels 1 through 10 of Zorman's Quest

in under four minutes.

We all know how these chocolate bar fundraisers really work.

Your mom eats all your chocolate bars

and then has to write the school a cheque for $160.

End of fundraiser.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC)

(VIDEO GAME SOUND EFFECTS)

It's called The Carousel.

It lets us travel the way a child travels.

Round and around, and back home again,

to a place where we know we are loved.

- ? Potato ? - ? Potato ?

- ? Tomato ? - ? Tomato ?

? Let's call the whole thing off ?

(SPRUCED-UP ORIENTAL MUSIC)

I shouldn't pick on my mom.

If she had any self-control, I wouldn't exist.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

OK, well done!

I guess it's time for our judge to pick the winner.

Can I get everybody else on stage?

- Jann? - Thank you.

Wow. I have to thank you, kids.

I was having a bad day and, um, all your hard work and bravery

has just given me a completely different outlook.

You guys did your best, you put yourself out there,

and I just have so much hope for the future.

And with that in mind, I have decided on a winner.

And the winner is...

all of you!

Everybody wins the talent show! All of you are winning!

That's a load of crap!

This is supposed to be a competition!

We didn't come here for this! We want winners and losers!

Glory and shame!

(BOOING)

(BOOING)

Really? That's what we're gonna do?

Don't you guys get it?

I was so touched by all your kids doing their best

that I wanted to reward all of them.

But which one was the best at doing their best?

Treating everyone the same

is bad for my son's self-esteem.

Well, I just think you guys are super immature...

- I don't think you understand... - (ALL TALKING AT THE SAME TIME)

And don't seem to know what your actual argument is...

(ALL TALKING AT THE SAME TIME)

- So, how you doing? - Yeah, yeah, good.

I was worried sick that this talent thing would be a disaster.

Now that it is a disaster, I can kind of relax.

- That's good. - Yeah.

What does she have in her hand?

Oh, Cale gave her a business card.

She seems pretty attached to it.

You're a monster!

And you know what else?

Your Christmas album is overrated!

- Oh, hell no. - OK, go get 'em.

Excuse me!

My sister is a very busy woman.

She didn't actually have to do this, OK?

And this is the thanks she gets? It's just a silly talent show!

"Just... Just a silly talent show," Max, really?

Is that something a person on the Parents Committee would say?

Oh, you know what, Liz? Kiss my ass!

Yeah, Liz! Pucker up, buttercup!

OK, unless you declare one winner,

you are gonna get three strikes

and I'll have to take you off the Parents Committee.

Oh, bring it on! I don't actually care anymore.

Give me five strikes!

Give her ten strikes! Give her all the strikes!

- What a family of jackasses. - All right, enough.

I'm gonna put a stop to this right now.

My whole jackass family

- to the car, please. - Yeah!

Now, girls. Yes, you were great. You were all great.

You guys were really great.

My serotonin is, like, here right now.

Dave? Great news.

Suddenly, we have an opening on the Parents Committee.

- Hmm. - Now, anyone would kill for this spot,

but if you're interested, I would love to squeeze you... in.

You know, committees aren't really my thing, Liz...

Oh, come on! We would have so much fun together,

working on all the things that I want to change around here.

Like replacing vaccinations with essential oils.

So, warding off measles with sage,

- that's your big plan? - Yes.

Oh, that's smart.

- You know what? Sign me up. - OK.

Yeah, I'd love to make my vote count.

- Good! - Good.

- Great! - Science.

Right.

Well, girls, this may not have been your best day...

Certainly wasn't. I told a couple hundred people to kiss my ass.

- I never did find that banana bread! - Right.

Not every day's a diamond.

But I'm happy to say I had a good day

and I put it to good use.

- Want me to drive? - Oh, God, no. No.

?

Listen, Lenore, we've had a rocky week,

so maybe we can just skip the weird therapy games?

What happened?

I let Jann down.

I said I would be there for her, like you suggested,

but then a work thing came up.

(COUGHING)

A work dinner.

(COUGHING)

With Maggie,

who had a big crush on me and who kissed me

- at last year's Christmas party. - Oh.

Wasn't the kiss that bothered me.

It was that you didn't tell me about the kiss for three months.

That bothered me.

It was one of the things that we broke up over.

Well, I'm not surprised.

Cynthia, you're like a closed book,

you guard your feelings and your time,

while Jann is an open book. Wide open.

Pages are falling all over the place because it's spineless.

And your feelings are always public,

and your time is always "first come first served",

and I know that these differences

are the reasons you're having problems right now,

but they're also the very qualities

that can make you a strong and stable couple.

With a little work.

Wow, Lenore. Holy crap,

you are a way better psychiatrist than I thought.

Oh, that's very kind of you. But I'm not a psychiatrist.

Sorry. Sorry. Psychologist.

- Not a psychologist. - Therapist? Counselor?

- Nope. - What's with the fancy diploma?

Oh, that's from my calligraphy course.

My final exam was making my own diploma.

Yeah.

Beautiful penmanship.

I really like your T's.

All right, I want you to choose your least favourite body part

and lead yourself around the room with that body part.

That's it. That's it. Good. Good.

Boy, you came to it quick.

I don't even know what you don't like.

You have the best bum.

Wiggle the bum, wiggle the bum.

Your worst nightmare. Mime it.

Let's just make yourselves small. Smaller whimper.

- Sorry? - Without thinking,

describe your partner as a hot lunch. And go.

- Corn dog. - Bone broth.

No peeking.

? I am cool and I'm wise ?

? And I'm larger than your life ?

? I am bigger than the sun ? ? Watch me burning to the end ?

? Of all time, I'll be fine ?

? Watch me breaking through finish line ?

? Finish line ?

? I am an army ?

? I don't do what I'm told ?

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