Original subtitles

Ugh! Really?

You coming?

(CROWD CHEERING)

(LIVE MUSIC RISING)

_

("ANGEL" BY SARAH MCLACHLAN)

? In the arms ?

? Of the angel ?

? Fly away ?

? From here ?

- ? From this... ? - (TRUCK HONKING)

Tell your mom to stop texting!

(PHONE CHIMING REPEATEDLY)

- (THUD) - Oh!

Oh... God.

Oh, my God! My sister's having her baby!

Right now! In the kitchen!

- (SCREAMS) - (PHONE CHIMING)

New plan!

My family needs me!

(FAST-PACED ROCK MUSIC)

Does this thing go any faster?

My sister's having a kitchen baby!

This was mine. These were mine.

Oh, those are mine.

How is it that you're packed so fast?

I've had a runner bag since day one.

Well, that speaks volumes, Cale.

Yes. It does.

I feel really bad that I'm missing the last show of the tour.

You know how I like to follow through on things that I start!

I'm never gonna finish this.

Do you think I'm gonna get back press

for not being at the show tonight?

I'll spin it so you sound like a good person.

I'm no doctor,

but considering this is her fourth baby,

she's gonna launch that thing across the room

like a friggin' t-shirt cannon at a Flames game.

OK, also, I'm taking the coffee

because it was very expensive and I bought it in Portland.

Come on, buddy! Drive it like you stole it!

(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC)

(INDISTINCT SPEAKING OVER RADIO)

What?!

That woman has issues.

OK. Bye-bye, ding-dong.

Wow.

(DOOR SHUTS)

(BABY COOING)

You couldn't friggin' wait for me?!

(ALL): Jann!

(THEME MUSIC)

I bet you could pick me up.

Yeah, I'm sure I could.

Kitten's still got it goin' on.

Hi, guys!

Oh...

you guys still feelin' kinda hot for each other

after all the... gross stuff that just went on here?

We don't actually think of it as gross.

- How are you even here? - I took a bus!

Right, but who told you what was happening?

I did!

Oh. Group text is a privilege, not a right, Nora.

Anyway, wanna meet your little niece... Ivy?

- No. - That's not it. Mm-mm.

It doesn't have a name yet?

No, she doesn't. She literally just got here.

Do you wanna hold little... Sophie?

- That's not right. - My two-year rule still applies.

You just Lion King the thing for me?

I don't even start liking until they can tell their own jokes.

- Knock, knock. - Not now.

Aww.

She really is so cute.

Congratulations. So, how did...

- How did it go... down there? - Well, you know.

After a while. I wasn't even present in my own body.

It's incredible what we're capable of.

Is this the kiddie pool I bought for the girls?

- Yeah. - We got one summer out this pool?!

And the baby.

- Did you get us anything? - Yes, I did.

- OK. - They're tour crew shirts.

They're XL, but they're gonna look so cute belted.

And... sugar.

- No. No. - More throwing. OK.

- That's a lot of throwing. - I'm glad you came.

- (KISSING SOUND) - Both my girls at home,

and I have a new grand baby.

- Oh, it's a good day. - I missed you, Mom.

- Oh, I got you something too. - Are you gonna throw it?!

Wow, a matching leisure suit.

- Yeah. - Oh, a bit flashy,

but if I ever make it back to Reno...

That's the spirit, Mom!

Well, this has been a lot.

I'm gonna let you guys just relax.

You might wanna air this place out.

Maybe you could just leave the door open when you leave?

Sure. Dave, do you mind giving me a lift home?

You're being serious?

- Yeah. - You want me to leave my wife

and newborn to drive you home?

The bus left.

It'll only take us like, 45 minutes.

And... if it'll make you happy,

we can skip the trip to the grocery store

and I'll just take some stuff from you guys,

like... this casserole.

This is unreal.

It's not like the baby is going to remember any of this.

I know you think your child is a genius, but come on.

(DOOR OPENS)

Hi!

Congratulations! Aww!

- Hi, Nora! - Hi.

- She's adorable. - Thank you.

Hey, Cynthia.

Jann.

How did you know I was back?

I didn't. I came because of the baby.

Right.

Well, I didn't want to intrude.

I just wanted to drop this and see if you guys needed anything.

- Oh, thank you. - You could drive Jann home!

Anything to help.

I will call you guys

and let you know that I have arrived home safely.

- Sure. - I love you, Max.

I think you're absolutely incredible,

and I'm really proud of you.

Thanks for nothing, Dave.

Let's get the lead out, Cynthia.

(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC)

Why does it seem like nobody's happy to see me?

Maybe it's because people are still upset?

Because I went on tour?

Your sister was put on bedrest

and your mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's,

but you left anyway.

The whole trip was a disaster. It's not like I had a good time.

That's a shame.

There were days I was scared for my life.

- I'm sure. - Everything that could go wrong

- did go wrong. - Couldn't've been that bad.

Oh.

(RETCHING)

Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no, no. The chili's bad.

We gotta send some runners out

to get some plastic sheets for the bus.

(STOMACH GURGLING)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

- (WOMAN): Woo! Encore! - (CROWD GASPING)

? ... of the angels ?

- (CROWD SCREAMING) - Seriously?!

(SCOFFS)

- That does sound terrible. - Every day was a fresh hell.

Sarah must be beside herself.

She blames the whole run of bad luck

on losing her "lucky scrunchie".

So basically, the woman has revealed herself to be

a superstitious nutcase.

What's a lucky scrunchie?

Exactly!

I need to tell you something.

What's that?

Well, something happened and it's the reason I stood you up.

The day before I left, I may have lightly...

- Oh, God! - Oh!

... made out with my ex, Reggie.

- Stop yourself. - That's just it! I couldn't.

I was caught up in this tidal wave of unbridled passion.

It was like that time you and I got jiggy with it on the Sea-Doo.

- Stop it! - I absolutely did not mean

for this to happen, but I was looking so good...

- Oh, my God! - We didn't go all the way.

- It was close. - I don't need the details.

And then, these Christian boys showed up

and everything got really, really awkward.

- Oh! - I thought about you the whole time...

Mainly because I knew you'd be pissed.

I once made love on a tour bus.

Please, Mom!

- Can I finish my story?! - (CYNTHIA SIGHS)

(UPBEAT COUNTRY MUSIC)

- (GROANING) - I truly am sorry

that your feelings were hurt, Cyn.

I really appreciate you giving me a lift home.

I didn't do it for you. I did it for Max.

Burn!

Where are you getting all this stuff from, Mom?

From my grandkids. I am hip. Boo!

What's going on?

Oh, here we go! Ah!

Mom... aren't you gonna stay with me?

Oh, I have a grandbaby to cuddle!

And Cynthia promised that we'd go to the Dairy Queen

before we get back.

You couldn't have stopped at Dairy Queen

before you dropped me off?

Well...

(SOFT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

(BIRD CHIRPING)

- Can I ask you something? - (SIRI): Ask away.

How do you know if you're the person who's right

or the person who is wrong?

I don't know how I know. I just know. You know?

- Thanks for nothing! - No problem.

Hey, Rhonda!

Oh! Hi, Jann! Welcome home.

Wanna hang out?

Can't. I've got salsa class tonight.

We're making mild.

I gotta hit the rapids.

- (SPLASHING) - I'm gonna die alone! (ECHOING)

- Hey, Jann. - Hey, Cale.

I was kind of enjoying my alone time.

I could've used a longer break from you too,

but we've got business to discuss.

- What's in the envelope? - In a minute.

First...

First, we're almost closed on the spokeswoman gig for Alpine Credit.

- OK. - Here is your cheque for Burning Woman.

It's your fee minus my 15%.

Yes!

Mama's gonna get a new night guard!

I'm not surprised you need one.

Between your teeth grinding and your snoring,

you sound like a jackhammer hitting a sewer pipe.

- A lot of people do, Cale. - Coupled with night terrors.

I'm the one who took baton!

(SCREAMING)

I am not on the pill!

(CRYING)

Yeah, they removed one of the nipples that was on my back.

Well, don't touch it!

(WHOOSHING SOUND)

So, what's in the envelope?

Hot off the presses.

It's the first copy of your memoir.

Oh, yeah!

I forgot that I had Todd write this for me.

I Don't Know, You Do It

- is the title of my book? - Don't ask me.

- This is between you and Todd. - (PHONE APP RINGING)

_

(TODD): Hey, Jann. Quick question for you.

What do you want the title of your memoir to be?

I don't know. You do it.

Oh, that's on me.

My family seems so upset with me, Cale.

Babies are important to some people. It's odd.

It is odd.

Finally, something we can agree on.

Your family probably wishes you never went on tour.

So selfish.

You have trouble reading social cues.

You should take an online quiz

- and see if you're a sociopath. - I've taken them all!

Not one of them is even remotely accurate.

Are we done?

This kind of exchange depletes my energy.

I am not Todd.

- No, you are not Todd. - The book launch is tomorrow.

Have you decided what passage

you're gonna read from the book?

Yeah. I'm... I'm good.

You're just gonna open it

and randomly start reading, aren't you?

No! No, I'm not.

(UPBEAT RHYTHMIC MUSIC)

What is all this?

I used some of my Burning Woman money

to buy Max and the family a bunch of stuff.

That's just the kind of thoughtful person I am.

A 16-gallon jar of pickles, fireplace tools,

an enormous teddy bear, kiddie pool...

and a CPR dummy?!

It came with its own carrying case!

See this turnout?

Your visibility's up since Burning Woman.

- Is my family here? - Doubtful.

Wrong! My family totally supports me.

- Hi, Charlie. - Hi!

Hi... Jann's niece.

I know you know my name, Cale.

- Thank you so much for coming! - Yeah!

You texted. You said it was an emergency.

It is. The Yogo Pops are melting.

Do you mind taking this stuff to your place?

- Sure. - Listen, Charlie,

did Max and Dave even mention

the possibility of coming to my book launch?

You know what?

I think they're just... a little bit tired, you know.

With the baby, they don't really get any sleep,

- so... - Yeah.

Well, can you just make sure they know who bought all this stuff?

I'm pretty sure they'll figure it out.

(JANN): OK.

She's a singer.

She's a songwriter.

And now, she's an author.

Jann Arden!

(APPLAUSE AND SCATTERED CHEERING)

Thank you!

Thank you so much. It would've been so great

if you'd have been able to bring some friends with you to fill up

the rest of these seats, but whatever.

Anyway...

just gonna go... plow ahead here.

Uh, I'm gonna read you one of my favourite passages

from my memoir.

Ahem!

"Many describe my dulcet voice as angelic,

"saying my songs transcended time and space,

uniting all souls who heard them."

Wow, that... that does sound a bit egotistical,

doesn't it? Obviously, the person who wrote this

thinks very, very highly of me, uh...

which would be me!

I think very highly of me because...

I wrote my own memoir.

OK. But enough about my mellifluous... voice.

Not a word I'd use.

Except here, because I used it

when I wrote this book myself.

She's probably just going to the bathroom.

The flu is going around too.

Could very easily have diarrhea.

(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC)

Hi, Jann! I saw you on tour with Sarah...

the night she was attacked by killer bees.

Right! She was only stung a couple of times.

I don't know what all the tears were for.

She had the Jimmy eye for like... a day.

- (NERVOUS CHUCKLING) - She's kind of pathetic, really.

Is this the line for maple bacon pierogi samples?

- No. - Oh. What samples do you have?

- None. - They don't have to be maple bacon.

Hey, Todd! Great to see you!

- Great to see you! - You waited in line to see me?

- Didn't buy the express pass. - Will you sign my book?

Of course.

- How are you? - Great.

Really great. Been spending a lot of time with my family.

- Oh, yeah. You have one of those. - I do, yes.

Plus, I... I have a new client.

Yeah. She's super talented

and, um, she's getting some real attention.

It's exciting to see her on the rise.

I'm not familiar with her.

I didn't tell you her name yet.

- I don't need to hear it. - OK.

- Anyway, I am so happy for you! - Thanks, Jann.

That means a lot. And I know it's not easy for you to say.

It's got nothing on mellifluous.

- (TODD SIGHS) - (JANN CHUCKLES)

- Quite the word you used there. - And moment over!

Didn't even know mellifluous.

- Congratulations, Jann. - Not the Disney girl, right?

- No, way less evil. - Mellifluous.

So, how was life on tour with Jann?

It was good.

Even her aggressive night gas?

- (FLATULENCE) - Oh!

(CRYING)

- Didn't smell it. - (SOFTLY): Really?

I only smell fear.

- I'm gonna go. - (SNIFFING)

- Ahem! - (JANN): Hey. What's your name?

Well, Heather, but it's not for me.

Could you write, "congrats on the new baby"?

My book is good for a gift?

Definitely! New moms need something fluffy to read

that doesn't take much mental effort.

Thank you!

- Who had the baby? - It's one of my clients.

I'm a mother's helper.

I get parents through those really tough early days

when they're barely sleeping.

Heather, I need you to come with me.

You gotta trust me on this.

You just have to trust me on this.

- Event over. - (CROWD GROANING)

- Pierogi samples, aisle 26. - (WOMAN): Yeah!

(UPBEAT COUNTRY MUSIC)

Oh... my.

- Heh. Someone went all-out. - That was me.

Yeah. Yeah, this was all me too. I don't know

why this stuff's still out here,

but she just had a baby so they're gonna bring it in.

Just so you're aware, people usually want to meet me

- and check my references before... - Oh, not me, Heather.

I go with my gut. They are gonna be so grateful that I did this.

Yoo-hoo!

- Get the door. - OK.

Hey, Jann.

You're just coming right in now, huh?

- Cool. - Hey...

Hey, wow. You look so tired.

Yes, I am aware that I look like

an extra from The Walking Dead. Thank you.

No, you look like a zombie.

- And, Dave, you look anemic. - Thanks.

What are we doing here?

I am here to solve all your problems. This is Heather.

She's a mother's helper, which you clearly need,

because you guys are starting to look like those things

that wanna suck Harry Potter's soul out through his face.

(BOTH): Dementors.

No! This is Heather.

I've hired her for a week

and like, at the end of that,

you guys are gonna be OK, right?

You don't need to thank me

because your happiness is all the thanks I need.

OK. So I can see that you're trying to help.

But bringing in a complete stranger

without asking is not how to do it. Just once, I wish you could...

- What? - Babe.

Oh, my God. She's loading the dishwasher.

Yeah, and she's doing it right!

Look!

She found a place for the whisk. That's where the whisk goes!

- We can give her a try. A try. - I mean, up for it if... yeah.

I had a gut feeling. And further to that,

I'm going to be back here tomorrow

to pick up our mother and take her to her hair appointment.

- OK. - There's probably parking,

but we can go halfers on that.

Heather, you might wanna call your family,

let 'em know where you are.

God, this feels good!

Thanks for getting the book, Heather!

(SOFT COUNTRY MUSIC)

Thanks.

So Heather has little... Victoria...

- No. - ... to sleep

and now, she's folding laundry.

Hmm.

I'm thinking sister-wife.

Go on.

- (CHUCKLING) - Mm-hmm.

- (INDISTINCT CHATTER) - (DOOR SHUTS)

- Hey. You ready, Mom? - Huh?

Oh. Uh, ready? Where are we going, sweetheart?

Your hair appointment.

Oh, right. I must have forgotten.

- This'll be fun! - I'm just gonna go say hey to Max

and see if she's relaxed or grateful or somewhere in that zone.

- Yeah. - But I'm not holding my breath.

- (SOFTLY): Hey. - (WHISPERING): Hey.

(SIGH)

You know, having Heather is really helpful.

If I could just name this little nugget...

How about Little Nugs? It's so contemporary.

She'd be the only Little Nugs in her class.

Yeah. Remind me again why you didn't have kids?

- I don't like 'em. - Right.

Maybe you could name her after Dad.

That's not a bad idea.

But then,

it's a boy name for a girl.

Literally all your daughters have boy names:

Charlie, Frankie, Sam.

And so do you, Max.

You know, that was totally intentional.

You know, I was just sort of smashing away at the patriarchy.

I kind of like it.

James.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

(DOOR OPENS)

Jann?

What?!

(BABY CRYING)

I didn't even think their hearing was developed at this point.

- I... I didn't. - (BABY WAILING)

What are you doing here?

I know you took my lucky scrunchie.

And I want it back.

(HEAVY SIGH) You have really lost it, McLachlan.

I don't know what you're talking about.

(TENSE DRUMMING)

Good day.

I said good day.

(SIREN BLARING)

Liar!

- (SCREAMING) - (FAST-PACED ROCK MUSIC)

- (MUSIC STOPS) - (INDISTINCT MUTTERING)

- What is wrong with you?! - What's wrong with you?!

(MUSIC RESUMES)

(YELPING)

- (GRUNTING) - Stay down, McLachlan!

What the...

I should've stopped this, huh?

Let's just see how this plays out.

(THUD)

- Why won't you die?! - (SCREAMING)

(GRUNTING)

Who's in the arms of the angel now, bitch!?

- Oh, my God! - (DIRECTOR): Cut.

- (GIGGLING): Sorry. - (DIRECTOR): That's OK.

- (GRUNTING) - (SARAH LAUGHING)

Oh, (BLEEP)!

(LAUGHING)

(GASPING) Oh, God!

- Sorry, I lost my (BLEEP)! - (BOTH LAUGHING)

- You will wear pants tonight? - Obviously!

I should not have stood you up

after I made out with my ex in front of those young boys.

? You were my smoky little bar ?

? You were my hey ?

Whoo!

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