Original subtitles

Hey! So you are going already?

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Listen, I had a great time but this...isn't a thing.

But we can make it a thing, eh?

Oh, don't get clingy, Valentine.

Hey, the Valentine is not clingy.

Oh!

(WHISPERS) You're clinging now.

Oh, I thought I was holding my own hand.

Yeah. I'll give you a call, OK?

OK. Uh-uh, but you don't have my number.

Oh! Valentine, your cleaner is here.

Uh-uh, Polly! Ah, wait! Hey!

Mama!

I am so glad you are here!

Hey, hey, Polly! Make sure you call me!

I am sorry I haven't had time to, uh, tidy up the place

but don't worry, you can have the bed

and I will take the, uh, sofa.

Go and put some clothes on, eh? OK.

You want to catch a cold? I know I know. OK.

If you screw your eyes up you can't see the words.

Might as well be hieroglyphics.

Oh, I really want the catering business to go up a level

and I dunno where to start.

Oi!

That food you did for little Dylan's third birthday was brilliant.

It's not gonna get us a house in Essex.

I wanna do proper events!

That aren't at the Milton.

Well, maybe these will help. Business cards.

I was up all night cutting them.

The first lot are a bit funny looking

and, uh, there's a bit of blood on the ones at the end

but everything else between is perfect.

Thanks, babe.

Oh, well, I just wanna make sure that you and the kids are set up for,

you know, when I...die.

(LAUGHS) Oh, stop it!

You're not going anywhere.

That is so, so sweet of you to say.

You're not gonna die, you plum! It was a panic attack.

Yeah, well, you weren't there.

It was like I could feel death's cold, bony hand around my heart

and all around my hips.

Oh! Oh, it's happening again. What?

Argh! Bagpipes?

My leg! I can't feel my leg. My foot's gone numb.

God.

Oh, wait a minute.

Oh! A bit of Lego in my slipper. Ha!

Honestly, Ag, all these books, they bang on about seizing the moment.

Which bloody moment do I seize?

The washing the pants and socks moment

or picking carrot out the hair moment?

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Who are they?

Gangsters. With clipboards?

Organised gangsters, then.

You right, Prince Charming?

Oh! Hello. Charles Lander.

Kirsty.

Hello. Hello.

Are you here about the car parking spaces?

I guess you could say that. Do you live here?

Yes. You obviously don't.

Actually, do either of you know

where I could grab a decent bite to eat?

The Milton does good food.

What?! Mm.

I wouldn't call the food at The Milton good.

Or food. (BOTH LAUGH)

New chef.

You should pop in.

Just not today. Definitely not today.

OK. When are they open?

When are you next in the area?

Thursday. They're open on Thursdays.

OK, well, that sounds great.

I will be there.

See you...I hope. OK.

Bye-bye.

We didn't find out what they're up to.

Who cares?

I've just got my first rich customer, Ag, for my restaurant.

What?! I didn't know you had a restaurant.

Neither did I. Neither does Frank. Mm.

Gotta seize the moment. Gotta seize it till it bloody cries.

You dis woman! Huh? (LAUGHS) Yeah!

There were these men on the estate today -

sharp suits, nice cars...

Bailiffs? No, I don't think so.

And then, when I went to work

I saw a picture of one of them in the office.

I don't think they're here for parking spaces.

Oh! Agnes Christie and the Mystery of the Ordinary Coincidence.

Walter, I'm being serious.

I'm... (DOOR SLAMS)

Well, there was a time when you would come home and say hello.

Hello.

Oh, are you hungry?

The food done done. No, darling.

I'm not hungry anyway.

Come here. Where have you been?

Out. "Out".

I know that, by the way that you slammed the door off the hinges.

Leave it out.

Kobna... "Leave it out"?!

Listen, I will leave you out if you talk to me like that again, eh?

Foolish boy! (DOOR SLAMS)

Utter cheek! That boy eats all the food, pays no rent.

Who does he think he is - Valentine?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

You know, I bet you didn't tell your mama everything, mm?

Mm...

Look, Kobna is becoming a man.

Maybe we need to start treating him like one.

With my belt.

(AFROBEAT MUSIC PLAYS)

(LAUGHS JOYOUSLY)

(APPLAUSE)

(LAUGHS)

Whoo!

I haven't danced like that since I was 16 years old.

Hey!

You have a talent, my son!

Thank you. I've dedicated myself to the art.

Well, now you need to dedicate yourself

to the art of finding a good woman.

Oh, don't worry, Mama. There are plenty of good women here.

Look at that one.

Hey!

You need to check the soil in which you are sowing your seeds.

I want it to look swanky, Frank.

My whole business model is swanky.

Yeah, it's about the branding, Frank.

Like the golden M or Jesus's cross.

Yeah, but in Kirsty's case, swank.

How many power points have you got?

Kirsty's got enough hot plates to cater for Live Aid.

Uh, big man, I would not touch that.

(SHOUTS ABOVE MUSIC) I am going to find you a nice woman.

No, Mama, that is not necessary. It is.

Don't do that Bagpipes! Don't...

I am going to find you... (MUSIC STOPS)

..a good, wholesome woman

who you can marry and plant your seed in, hey!

Oh...Mama. (GIGGLING)

Why did you say that?

Oh...sorry.

See.

Do you think anyone will notice if I have a little nap before lunch?

Here? Mm, you'll be fine.

Now, look. Who is this man?

Does he come here?

Him? Yeah, I've seen him around.

Gorgeous, isn't he? Mm.

Like Shakespeare dipped in chocolate.

Oh, no! I've done it again, haven't I?

Mm.

They should really send me on a course or something.

Or something.

Do you know him?

No, but I'm glad he's brightening up the place.

Better than hairy Roy in dispatch.

Although, Roy doesn't have a girlfriend so...

Hey!

Oh.

Hey.

Hello. Hey, hey.

So pleased to meet you.

Ooh! Strong.

Hm, hm. Hey, hey.

Deborah, say hello.

Pleased to meet you.

And, uh, you.

Aha. OK.

Mm-hm.

Why...why don't you go and get cleaned up

and then we can all go downstairs.

Downstairs, to the pub?

Yes.

Then we can all get to know each other better.

Oh...

Oh!

Oh.

Excuse me, I just need to... sch, sch, sch...freshen up.

OK.

Mama, look at him!

(MUTTERS FURIOUSLY)

Eh, sit down! Eh.

Eh. Oh!

Excellent!

(BAMAKO BY SONGHOY BLUES PLAYS)

What a dump.

It'll be unrecognisable by the time I'm done with it.

Alright, we'll start cracking on in the morning.

Who are you, Mr Lander?

(SINGS) # We can't go on together...

Shh! # With suspicious minds

# And we can't build our dreams... #

What did you do? What is keeping you?

I think I was hoping that everyone would just forget about it and leave.

Why?

What is wrong with your mama finding you a woman

who does not expose her bottom in public?

At least you know what you are getting, eh? (CHUCKLES)

Ooh. Sorry, Mama.

Look, I need to do this in my own way.

This is a...

The perfect opportunity

for you to meet the mother of your children.

Hey! You are behaving like the African Cilla Black.

Hey! Who is this black Cilla?

Oh, she's a lady that does...

Actually, it doesn't matter. I'm not happy with you.

I want to go to my grave

with the knowledge that my son, his wife and my future grandchildren,

all three of them, are well and safe before I die.

OK, OK. Hey, hey.

Come on, you know I don't like it when you talk like that.

(SIGHS)

OK. (SIGHS)

I will do this. Hm, hm, hm, hm?

For you, hey-hey? Oh!

This makes me so happy.

Hey, hey. Good.

OK. Now, change the shirts.

It makes you look like a goat.

(MAGNUM PI THEME PLAYS)

What time did you say we're open?

7:00.

Right.

Welcome to Kirsty's.

May I take your name, please?

It's, uh...Valentine.

Easmon. I called earlier.

Oh, yes! There you are.

I'll get Dean to show you to your, um...

Dean?

(MACHINE MAKES ELECTRONIC NOISES)

(YELLS) Dean!

Can you show these customers to the table, please, Dean?

Oh.

Thank you.

Well, I'm glad you've turned up. Nobody else has.

Hey, the less witnesses the better, eh?

Yeah, but I need more people in here.

Oh, I know! I'll get Bagpipes to fetch Walter.

(YELLS) Bagpipes!

What?

WALTER: Kobna! If you leave the bathroom like this again,

I will send you to live with Mama!

Leave me alone! No, don't slam the door!

(DOOR SLAMS) Mm, plan B me thinks.

I hope you're hungry, Rajesh.

So, Valentine, you're a DJ. So exciting.

A man with music in his heart.

Yes, it is my passion.

Oh! Deborah likes music, don't you?

Oh, yes. Very much.

What is your favourite hymn, Valentine?

Hymn? Oh...uh...

Oh, yes, my hymn. It is, uh...

# Do they know it's Christmastime at all... #

Valentine also has a day job, don't you?

He travels all over the country.

Ah! A businessman, Deborah.

Well, yeah, you could say that.

Deborah, what do you do in your spare time?

Ah!

I pray.

(LAUGHS)

My daughter, I mean she's so witty.

It may seem quite unattractive but it's actually very endearing.

OK, why don't I buy everybody drinks, hey?

Uh, Deborah, help him out.

Uh, no, no, no. It's OK, I got it.

Hey, uh, can I have a tonic and lemon, an orange juice and a cola.

Eish, and I'll have a triple hairy naughty bastard.

Actually, hold on the naughty and make it all bastard.

Teaching your liver some respect?

Hey. My mother has set me up with that lady over there.

Which one? The old one or the younger-looking one?

I wish it were the older one. (LAUGHS)

Or you.

Are you asking me out on a date while you're on a date?

You can't blame me for trying, eh?

I can, actually.

Does this approach usually work for you?

My charms have a 100% success rate.

Is it? 100%, yeah?

Mm-hm, that's what I said.

Well, I guess I'm just the exception that proves your rule.

Hey! Don't watch me.

(BAMAKO BY SONGHOY BLUES PLAYS)

Now's my chance.

Hey, cramp!

Mr Lander!

Welcome.

So when you said "they" do food you meant "you" do food?

Yeah.

Sorry. Is that a piss-take?

Absolutely. But it's a good one.

Can I help you with your coat? Thank you.

I simply cannot wait to sample the fine delectations.

Yes!

I hear wonderful things about the chef -

compliments and such.

Yes!

Here you are, sir. Thank you.

Lovely glass of red wine.

Aggie! You made it!

Come and sit down. Make yourself comfortable.

Mm. This orange juice is so delicious.

Oh! Oh.

Hello again. Hey, hello.

Do you know, I never saw you there.

Ah, nice surprise for both of us. Do you know... (CLEARS THROAT)

..you never told me what brings you here.

Oh, I'm working on a project with the council.

Oh, you know, I work for the council too.

Oh! You'll be at the conference, then?

The conference?

Well, it's a little something I've organised for the council staff.

Well, I hope you can make it.

It'd be great to get your input, actually.

And voila.

Ah, thank you.

Hey! We ordered first!

Bobo? I mean...Kobna.

I was wondering if, uh... you would like to go to the pub...

..with me, have a drink...

..like, uh...like men.

Can I get any drink I want? Oh, yes.

Anything you want - Coke or Pepsi.

Or Babycham?

Well, you could have a... a shandy like a real man.

Yes!

OK, let me get my coat.

Well, this has been lovely, eh?

Please don't go. This was going so much better than the other times.

Other times? This is the third one this week!

If you tried a little bit harder we wouldn't have to do so many.

A little make-up for instance!

I will wear make-up for one man.

Jesus. Ah!

Not for some delivery driver in a strange pub.

I'm also a DJ.

Just a minute, young lady! You are not so special yourself!

Hey!

Don't you be talking to my daughter like that!

OK, maybe we should order starters? May we go now, Mummy?

Hush! Be quiet!

Now you... Mummy...

(BOTH YELL OVER EACH OTHER)

Hey. There I was, a panic attack.

It's a bit like having a heart attack,

but it's having a panic attack.

At first I was like... (BREATHES RAPIDLY)

And then...and then it was like...

Argh! Argh!

Argh! Argh! Argh!

Yeah.

It sounds awful.

Oh...ugh! My daughter is...

She will suck the life out of my son!

Ha! He should be so lucky!

Nobody is sucking anybody.

OK, let's not throw anybody's ideas off the table.

(WOMEN CONTINUE SHOUTING)

Um...must, uh, get on.

Nice meeting you, uh, both.

Yes!

Repent! Repent!

KIRSTY: Oh, are you leaving already? Look...

..this... You can't even talk properly!

..is madness.

But your food... Mm?

..so good.

Look, I'd like to recommend you to some people.

How will I get in touch?

Ooh, um... Ta-da!

I made these.

You did, didn't you?

(CONTINUE SHOUTING)

(TURNING JAPANESE BY THE VAPORS PLAYS)

Look what you've done, you silly boy!

Oh! Oh, dear! I'm on fire. Raj!

Oh, my God! Oh!

(CONTINUE YELLING)

I've got to work in the morning!

I'm on fire! I'm actually on fire!

Health and safety! Health and...

That's bloody ice!

Not tonight, son.

Not tonight.

Come on.

Agnes, thank you for looking after my boys.

Why do you have to go?

Ah, it's time I went back to Freetown. England too cold.

Where's Walter? Oh, I'm here!

I was just packing your Opal Fruits.

Oh...

Oh, now, come. Come.

I'm sure I will see you again soon.

Mm-mm.

If I don't... BOTH: Ah! No, no, no.

IF I don't, I will always be here.

Hm?

And here. Ow!

OK, OK, OK.

So buck up, hey? Mm.

You can't miss me if I'm not gone.

Hey, hey. Ah!

God go with you, Mama.

Ah... (SPEAKS NATIVE LANGUAGE) ..my daughter.

Bye, Grandma. Bye.

Don't worry, Kobna. You'll see Mama again, huh?

Oh, I'm gonna miss Mama. Oh.

I don't want her to go.

Valentine, stop the car!

She's not going. (CHUCKLES) Hey-hey-hey!

Mama! I've left my Harrods carrier bag.

(SPEAKS NATIVE LANGUAGE) Oh!

Agnes! Come open the door.

Me?

You laughing? Mm-hm.

Then go open the door. Kobna, go open the door.

Kobna your hair looks like a black sponge.

Walter!

Go, quick! Look at your hair.

Spongy, spongy, spongy. Oh, OK.

(UCHANDIFUNGA BY FOUR BROTHERS PLAYS)

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation