Original subtitles

OKAY, PEOPLE, P.J.'s BIRTHDAY IS THIS SATURDAY,

AND EVERYONE NEEDS TO BUY HIM A PRESENT.

AND BY EVERYONE, I MEAN GABE.

AND BY BUY HIM A PRESENT,

SHE MEANS ACTUALLY PURCHASE ONE,

NOT BORROW OR STEAL IT.

WHY ARE YOU GUYS PICKING ON ME?

I ALWAYS GET P.J. A PRESENT.

LAST YEAR YOU WRAPPED UP ONE OF HIS SHIRTS AND GAVE IT TO HIM.

AND HE LOVED IT.

I CAN'T BELIEVE MY BABY BOY IS TURNING 18.

( whistling )

HEY, GUYS, WHAT YOU TALKING ABOUT?

All: NOTHING.

WHAT YOU WHISTLING ABOUT?

NOT MY BIRTHDAY, THAT'S FOR SURE.

- HEY, P.J., - HMM.

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE A PAIR OF PANTS EXACTLY LIKE THOSE?

- OH, MAN. - TEDDY, YOU OKAY?

I'M JUST BUMMED OUT I HAVE TO KISS SPENCER.

YOUR EX-BOYFRIEND SPENCER? THE ONE WHO CHEATED ON YOU?

NO, DAD, THE OTHER SPENCER IN MY LIFE.

WELL, WHY WOULD YOU WANNA KISS THAT GUY?

'CAUSE I NEED A CAR.

TELL HIM MORE. HE'S LOST.

OKAY, SO I GOT A NEW JOB AT SUPER ADVENTURELAND.

I PLAY THE PRINCESS. THE PRINCESS HAS TO KISS THE FROG.

AND THE FROG IS...

SPENCER.

TEDDY, HONEY, I FEEL FOR YOU.

I KNOW HOW UNCOMFORTABLE IT IS TO KISS YOUR EX.

I REMEMBER THIS ONE TIME IN COLLEGE.

( whistles )

( theme music playing )

♪ TODAY'S ALL BURNT TOAST ♪

♪ RUNNING LATE AND DAD JOKES ♪

♪ "HAS ANYBODY SEEN MY LEFT SHOE?" ♪

♪ I CLOSE MY EYES, TAKE A BITE ♪

♪ GRAB A RIDE, LAUGH OUT LOUD ♪

♪ THERE IT IS UP ON THE ROOF ♪

♪ I'VE BEEN THERE, I SURVIVED ♪

♪ SO JUST TAKE MY ADVICE ♪

♪ HANG IN THERE, BABY, THINGS ARE CRAZY ♪

♪ BUT I KNOW YOUR FUTURE'S BRIGHT ♪

♪ HANG IN THERE, BABY ♪

♪ THERE'S NO MAYBE ♪

♪ EVERYTHING TURNS OUT ALL RIGHT ♪

♪ SURE LIFE IS UP AND DOWN ♪

♪ BUT TRUST ME, IT COMES BACK AROUND ♪

♪ YOU'RE GONNA LOVE WHO YOU TURN OUT TO BE ♪

♪ HANG IN THERE, BABY. ♪

CHARLIE, DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH DADDY'S CAN?

NO, DADDY.

DID YOU SEE WHERE IT WENT?

IT'S A SECRET.

WELL, DO YOU WANNA TELL DADDY THE SECRET?

GABE.

THAT'S WHY YOU'RE MY FAVORITE.

GABE, DID YOU JUST STEAL MY CAN?

CAN? I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT A CAN.

STEP AWAY FROM THE CUPBOARD.

NO, NO, DAD.

- COME ON. - DAD, I REALLY DON'T THINK YOU WANT TO--

DO THAT.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

I'M RECYCLING.

NO KIDDING.

YEAH, I'M CONCERNED ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENT.

I'M GONNA BE ON THIS PLANET FOR A REALLY LONG TIME.

NOW YOU, YOU'VE GOT NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

SO ALL THIS SUDDEN INTEREST IN RECYCLING

HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE FACT THAT MAYBE

YOU THINK YOU CAN MAKE A LITTLE MONEY OFF IT?

IS THAT RIGHT?

I DID NOT KNOW THAT.

WELL, HERE'S SOMETHING ELSE YOU DON'T SEEM TO KNOW.

IN THE STATE OF COLORADO,

THEY DON'T GIVE YOU MONEY FOR ALUMINUM CANS.

OH, YEAH, I KNEW THAT.

OH, DAD, BY THE WAY, CAN YOU GIVE ME A RIDE?

- SURE, WHERE TO? - KANSAS.

HEY, MOM, GUESS WHAT? I JOINED SPANISH CLUB.

IS THIS ABOUT TAKING A SCHOOL TRIP OR MEETING GIRLS?

IT'S ABOUT TAKING A TRIP

WITH GIRLS.

OR AS WE SAY IN SPANISH, CONGIRLS.

ANYWAY, I'M GONNA NEED A PASSPORT TO GO TO MEXICO,

SO I'LL NEED MY BIRTH CERTIFICATE.

YOU NEED YOUR BIRTH CERTIFICATE?

- YEAH, YOU GOT IT, RIGHT? - YEAH.

IT'S-- IT'S IN MY FILES.

I WILL DIG IT OUT FOR YOU.

- THANKS. - YEAH, NO PROBLEM.

( dials )

BOB, IT FINALLY HAPPENED.

P.J. WANTS TO SEE HIS BIRTH CERTIFICATE.

WE KNEW THIS DAY WOULD COME.

OH, STOP WHIMPERING AND MAN UP.

HEY.

HEY.

SO TODAY IS THE DAY OF THE BIG KISS, HUH?

YEAH, I GUESS SO.

( clears throat )

YOU LOOK GREAT IN THAT OUTFIT.

I KNOW. I MEAN, THANKS.

LOOK, SPENCER, THERE'S NO REASON WHY THIS HAS TO BE AWKWARD.

IT'S NOT YOU AND I KISSING.

IT'S JUST OUR CHARACTERS.

I MEAN, WE'RE PROFESSIONALS, RIGHT?

YEAH, RIGHT, RIGHT.

I'M AS PROFESSIONAL AS A GUY IN A FROG SUIT

MAKING MINIMUM WAGE CAN BE.

( fanfare plays )

WELL, THAT'S OUR CUE.

SEE YOU OUT THERE.

( classical music playing )

Announcer: And when their joyous dance came to an end,

the prince and the princess

sealed their love with a kiss.

WAIT, TEDDY.

And the prince and the princess walked off together

and lived happily ever after.

BOB, YOU HAD 18 YEARS TO CHANGE P.J.'s BIRTH CERTIFICATE.

- WHY DIDN'T YOU? - FOR ONCE, CAN WE NOT PLAY THE BLAME GAME?

THAT'S THE ONLY GAME WE KNOW.

OKAY, LOOK, THERE IS A VERY SIMPLE SOLUTION.

WE'LL JUST TELL P.J. THAT WE CAN'T AFFORD TO SEND HIM TO MEXICO.

YOU WANT ME TO LIE TO HIM?

I'M IN.

HOLA, PADRE. HOLA, MADRE.

HOLA, SENOR ANDSENORA DUNCAN.

HOLA, EMMETT. COMO ESTAS?

WHAT DID SHE SAY?

I HAVE NO IDEA.

P.J., HEY, LISTEN.

LOOK, WE'VE GOT SOME BAD NEWS ABOUT THE TRIP,

WHICH IS HEARTBREAKING CONSIDERING HOW WELL

YOU'RE DOING WITH THE SPANISH.

HONEY, WE CAN'T AFFORD TO PAY

FOR YOUR TRIP TO MEXICO. I'M SO SORRY.

THE SPANISH CLUB'S BEEN HAVING FUNDRAISERS ALL YEAR.

- THE TRIP IS PAID FOR. - WON'T COST YOU A DIME.

IT'S A FREE TRIP TO OUR NEIGHBORS TO THE NORTH.

IT'S SOUTH.

NOT ON THE WAY BACK.

- SPENCER. - HEY, CAN WE TALK?

I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE YOU'RE OKAY.

NO, I'M NOT OKAY.

TEDDY, I FEEL TERRIBLE ABOUT THIS, ALL RIGHT?

YOU HAD THE JOB FIRST, AND IF KISSING ME MAKES YOU FEEL THAT BAD,

THEN I'M JUST GOING TO QUIT.

NO, SPENCER, IT'S NOT THAT THE KISS WAS BAD.

IT'S THAT THE KISS WAS...

GOOD.

OH.

I DIDN'T WANT IT TO BE GOOD.

IN FACT, I WAS ALL PREPARED TO BE DISGUSTED.

THANKS.

NOW I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

TEDDY.

HURTING YOU WAS THE STUPIDEST THING I EVER DID.

WILL YOU PLEASE GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE?

( doorbell rings )

DID YOU NOTICE THAT EVERY TIME WE KISS, BALLOONS APPEAR?

OH, GOOD, YOU'RE SEEING THEM TOO.

COME ON, CHARLIE, SAY IT.

I LOVE YOU.

ISN'T THAT ADORABLE, GRANDMA?

YEAH, SHE MADE ME CALL JUST SO SHE COULD TELL YOU THAT.

HEY, LISTEN, GRANDMA, WHILE I GOT YOU ON THE HORN, A THOUGHT OCCURRED TO ME.

EVERY YEAR YOU SEND ME A CHRISTMAS CHECK FOR $50.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I WAS THINKING ABOUT IT.

WOULDN'T IT BE EASIER IF YOU JUST SENT ME THE NEXT 10 CHECKS ALL AT ONCE?

YOU KNOW, KIND OF A LIKE A PREPAY PLAN.

- GABE. - GOTTA GO.

( telephone beeps )

OKAY, OUT WITH IT.

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO GET THIS MONEY FOR?

( sighs )

ALL RIGHT, THE TRUTH IS,

I WANT THE Z-CUBE 6.

A NEW GAME SYSTEM?

I JUST GOT YOU THE Z-CUBE 5 LAST YEAR.

YEAH, LAST YEAR.

IT DOESN'T EVEN HAVE 3D GRAPHICS.

I MIGHT AS WELL JUST USE IT AS A FOOT STOOL.

OKAY, YOU ARE GONNA HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER WAY TO MAKE MONEY

WITHOUT SHAKING DOWN YOUR RELATIVES.

- ( telephone rings ) - ( beep )

HELLO.

OH HEY, AUNT DIANE.

YEAH, THANKS FOR CALLING BACK.

WHAT DID I WANT?

JUST TO SAY

I LOVE YA.

SEE WHAT YOU'RE MAKING ME DO?

P.J., THERE'S SOMETHING I NEED TO TELL YOU.

NOW BEFORE I SAY ANYTHING, I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW,

YOUR MOTHER AND I, WE LOVE YOU VERY MUCH.

THAT DOESN'T SOUND GOOD. WHAT'S GOING ON?

P.J., WE'VE BEEN KEEPING A SECRET FROM YOU.

- WHAT IS IT? - IT'S ABOUT YOUR NAME.

OKAY, AS YOU KNOW,

YOU WERE NAMED AFTER YOUR GREAT-GRANDFATHER-- PATRICK JOHN.

YEAH. EVERYBODY CALLED HIM PADDY JOHN.

YEAH, OKAY, HERE'S WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW.

WHEN YOU WERE BORN,

I FILLED OUT THE PAPERS

AND I WAS REALLY NERVOUS

AND I THINK MY HAND WAS SHAKING A LITTLE,

AND-- HERE.

THAT IS YOUR LEGAL BIRTH CERTIFICATE.

- THAT'S WHAT P.J. STANDS FOR? - I'M AFRAID SO.

MY NAME IS "POTTY JOHN"?

LEGALLY, YES.

POTTY JOHN.

I'M NAMED AFTER TWO TOILETS.

LEGALLY, YEAH.

AND YOU NEVER BOTHERED TO FIX THIS?

WE ALWAYS MEANT TO. WE JUST NEVER GOT AROUND TO IT.

KIND OF LIKE THE UPSTAIRS POTTY, HUH?

TOO SOON?

SO YOUR DAD AND I WERE TALKING.

AND WE FEEL REALLY BAD THAT YOU HAVE TO GO TO WORK EVERY DAY

AND KISS THAT HORRIBLE SPENCER.

YEAH.

HORRIBLE'S KIND OF A STRONG WORD.

ANYWAY, SINCE THE ONLY REASON

YOU'RE DOING THIS IS TO GET MONEY FOR A CAR,

WELL, COME WITH ME.

- TA-DA! - WHAT'S THIS?

IT'S YOUR NEW CAR.

SHUT UP!

ONE OF THE OTHER NURSES WAS SELLING IT. I GOT A GREAT PRICE.

NOW IT'S ALL YOURS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

GET IN.

AND THE BEST PART IS NOW YOU CAN QUIT YOUR JOB

SO THAT YOU NEVER HAVE TO GO NEAR THAT JERK SPENCER EVER AGAIN.

YAY.

YOU SHOULD GIVE IT A NAME.

I KNOW.

HOW ABOUT "THE NOW I DON'T

HAVE TO KISS SPENCER ANYMORE MOBILE"?

OR "ED."

I KIND OF LIKE ED.

COME ON IN, GUYS.

RIGHT THIS WAY.

THE FUN BEGINS IN A MINUTE.

- GABE. - YEAH.

WHO ARE THESE KIDS? I'VE NEVER SEEN THEM BEFORE.

YOU'VE NEVER SEEN THEM BECAUSE THESE ARE THE KIDS

THAT NEVER GET INVITED ANYWHERE.

OKAY, SO WHY ARE THEY HERE? WHAT'S IN IT FOR YOU?

THE SATISFACTION OF BRINGING JOY

TO A FEW SAD MISFITS.

- EXCUSE ME. - YEAH.

DO I GIVE YOU THE $20 NOW OR WHEN THE PLAY DATE'S OVER?

- NOW'S GOOD. - AWESOME.

GABE.

DID YOU SEE THE SMILE ON THE LITTLE SCAMP'S FACE?

MOM, I HAD THE CRAZIEST DREAM LAST NIGHT.

ME TOO.

I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL, ONLY I HAD WINGS.

AND ALL THE CHEERLEADERS WERE REALLY JEALOUS

BECAUSE I KEPT FLYING AROUND DURING OUR ROUTINE.

THEN OUT OF NOWHERE, LADY GAGA APPEARS, THROWS A SHOE AT ME--

OKAY, MOM, CAN WE STAY ON ME?

ANYWAY, IN MY CRAZY DREAM,

SPENCER AND I GOT BACK TOGETHER,

AND THEN YOU GUYS FOUND OUT,

AND YOU TOOK MY CAR AWAY.

WELL, DUH.

YOU KNOW, TEDDY, MY DREAMS ARE A LOT MORE ENTERTAINING THAN YOURS.

MOM, I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

DID YOU KNOW THAT THIS CAR HAS SATELLITE RADIO?

- IT DOES? - MM-HMM.

OVER A HUNDRED STATIONS.

YOU WERE SAYING?

RIGHT. RIGHT, OKAY.

UM, HERE'S THE THING--

IS THAT AN MP3 HOOKUP?

THIS BABY'S FULLY-LOADED.

OH, MAN, YOU ARE NOT MAKING THIS EASIER.

SPEAKING OF MAKING THINGS EASIER, BA-BAM!

YOUR VERY OWN GAS CARD.

OH.

AND SO YOU DON'T GET LOST, BA-BAM!

YOUR VERY OWN GPS.

NOW WHAT WAS IT YOU WANTED TO TELL ME?

MOM, I WANTED TO TELL YOU THAT I'M IN LOVE...

WITH ED.

ALL RIGHT, THIS IS FROM GABE.

A $10 GIFT CARD FOR FROZEN YOGURT.

THERE'S PROBABLY ABOUT $6 LEFT ON IT.

I WAS FEELING SNACKY.

OKAY, HERE'S MINE.

OKAY.

IT'S A JOURNAL FOR YOUR TRIP TO MEXICO.

EVERY DAY YOU CAN WRITE WHAT YOU DID, WHAT YOU SAW,

HOW YOU FELT ABOUT IT.

- I LOVE IT. - YEAH.

YOU DIDN'T HAPPEN TO GET A GIFT RECEIPT FOR THIS, DID YOU?

NO.

OKAY, HERE'S A LITTLE SOMETHING FROM MOM AND DAD.

ALL RIGHT.

OH, WOW. GUYS, THIS IS SO GENEROUS.

IT'S JUST A LITTLE SPENDING MONEY FOR MEXICO.

ENJOY YOURDINERO.

DO I HAVE TO SPEND IT ONDINERO?

CAN I USE IT FOR BREAKFAST-O OR LUNCH-O?

SWEETIE, WHEN YOU'RE DOWN THERE,

STAY CLOSE TO THE TEACHER.

THERE IS ONE MORE THING WE GOT YOU.

WENT DOWN TO THE COURTHOUSE THIS MORNING.

FINALLY GOT YOUR BIRTH CERTIFICATE FIXED.

YOU ARE NOW OFFICIALLY P.J. DUNCAN.

DAD, DID YOU DOUBLE-CHECK THIS?

NO. WHY?

HOW COULD ANYBODY POSSIBLY MESS UP P.J.?

DON'T ASK ME. ACCORDING TO THIS, MY NAME'S P.P. DUNCAN.

( laughing )

THE JOURNAL'S NOT LOOKING SO BAD NOW,

IS IT?

WELL, LOOKS LIKE THAT'S ALL THE PRESENTS, P.P.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

WAIT, THERE'S ONE LEFT. THIS SAYS IT'S FROM CHARLIE.

CHARLIE? YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO GET ME ANYTHING.

WHAT? A NEW GUITAR.

THAT'S JUST WHAT I WANTED. HOW'D YOU GUYS KNOW?

( indistinct )

THIS IS SO COOL.

HEY, GABE.

HOW YOU LIKING THAT NEW Z-CUBE?

I DECIDED NOT TO GET IT.

THE Z-CUBE 7'S COMING OUT SOON.

YOU USED THAT MONEY TO BUY THAT NEW GUITAR FOR YOUR BROTHER.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

- COME ON, GABE. - ALL RIGHT.

IF YOU TELL ANYBODY ABOUT THIS, I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU.

WHY WOULD YOU WANNA KEEP THIS A SECRET?

BECAUSE I CAN'T HAVE PEOPLE THINKING

THAT I'VE GONE SOFT

OR THAT I LOVE MY BROTHER.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, YOUR SECRET IS SAFE WITH ME.

I'M PROUD OF YOU. YOU'RE A GOOD KID.

SEE, THAT'S THE EXACT KIND OF TALK I WAS AFRAID OF.

- HEY, GUYS. - HI, HONEY.

THERE ARE THE KEYS TO ED. I'M GIVING HIM BACK.

WHAT? WHY?

BECAUSE YOU'RE GONNA TAKE HIM BACK ANYWAY.

WHY WOULD WE DO THAT?

THERE'S A SECRET I'VE BEEN KEEPING FROM YOU GUYS.

COME ON IN.

HI, MR. AND MRS. DUNCAN.

SPENCER AND I ARE DATING AGAIN.

AT FIRST, I DIDN'T WANNA TELL YOU GUYS

BECAUSE I WAS AFRAID THAT YOU WOULD TAKE AWAY THE CAR.

I FIGURED THAT I HAD A CHOICE TO MAKE,

EITHER ED OR SPENCER.

SO AFTER THINKING ABOUT IT FOR A LONG TIME--

A REALLY LONG TIME.

I CHOSE SPENCER. I DECIDED TO GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE.

SO WE'RE BACK TOGETHER NOW AND I'M VERY HAPPY.

WELL...

I'M JUST GLAD YOU COULD BE HONEST WITH US.

AND IF YOU'RE HAPPY,

I GUESS THAT'S ALL THAT REALLY MATTERS.

THANKS.

WHAT? YOU'RE LETTING ME KEEP THE CAR?

WE'RE LETTING YOU PAY FOR THE CAR.

WITH THE JOB THAT YOU ARE GOING TO KEEP.

FAIR ENOUGH.

WELCOME BACK TO THE FAMILY, SPENCER.

AND IF YOU EVER

HURT MY LITTLE GIRL AGAIN...

BA-BAM!

Hey, Charlie, so big news.

This week I got a new old boyfriend named Spencer

and an old new car named Ed.

Someday, if I take good care of him, you can have him.

Oh, Ed, not Spencer. That'd just be weird.

- Excuse me. - Who are you?

I'm Elliot. I paid Gabe for another play date.

We're playing hide and seek,

and I've been hiding for almost five hours.

Gabe went to baseball practice.

Oh, I'll wait.

Well...

I guess there's only one thing left to say.

Oh, hey! You're here. Why don't you say it?

Good luck, Charlie.

Man's voice: Teddy.

WHO SAID THAT?

It's me, your car.

ED, YOU CAN TALK?

I prefer Edward and yes.

SO I HAVE A TALKING CAR?

DOES THAT MEAN WE'RE GONNA GO ON ADVENTURES AND SOLVE CRIMES AND STUFF?

Well, that sounds kind of dangerous.

I thought we'd just drive carefully

and stay within the speed limit and stuff.

OH, MAN, SO I HAVE A TALKING CAR WHO'S BORING?

Oh, one other thing I have to tell you--

I don't feel so good. ( coughs, retches )

( engine shuts down )

ED, EDWARD. EDWARD, TALK TO ME!

-Gotcha! -( engine starts )

Not so boring now, am I?