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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:06,740 --> 00:00:09,440 Hi, Charlie. It's your big sister Teddy with my video diary. 2 00:00:09,477 --> 00:00:13,247 So today, I want to talk to you about best friends. 3 00:00:13,281 --> 00:00:15,121 You bragging about me again? 4 00:00:15,149 --> 00:00:17,449 Huh. Yeah, this is Ivy. She's my BFF. 5 00:00:17,485 --> 00:00:19,345 I'm also her hero, 6 00:00:19,387 --> 00:00:21,587 the wind beneath her wings, the hip in her hop, 7 00:00:21,622 --> 00:00:23,322 the peanut to her butter. 8 00:00:23,357 --> 00:00:26,157 - I am-- - The mouth that wouldn't shut. 9 00:00:26,194 --> 00:00:28,304 LET'S SEE HOW WE'RE LOOKING. 10 00:00:28,329 --> 00:00:31,129 Perfect! 11 00:00:31,165 --> 00:00:33,065 - I'd date us. - I'd marry us. 12 00:00:35,403 --> 00:00:39,273 - SO WHAT'S THE BIG NEWS? - YOU ARE NOT GONNA BELIEVE WHAT I DID FOR YOU. 13 00:00:39,307 --> 00:00:42,307 I SAW THE CUTEST GUY WORKING AT THE MALL FOOD COURT-- 14 00:00:42,343 --> 00:00:45,313 AND PAUSE FOR DRAMATIC EFFECT-- 15 00:00:45,346 --> 00:00:47,616 TOMORROW I'M GOING TO TALK TO HIM. 16 00:00:47,648 --> 00:00:50,348 HOW IS THIS SOMETHING YOU'RE DOING FOR ME? 17 00:00:50,384 --> 00:00:53,524 MAYBE HE HAS A FRIEND. THE CUTE ONES ALWAYS HAVE A FRIEND. 18 00:00:53,554 --> 00:00:55,464 I MEAN, I HAVE YOU, RIGHT? 19 00:00:57,558 --> 00:01:00,088 HI, GIRLS. WHAT YOU DOING? 20 00:01:00,128 --> 00:01:02,298 NOTHIN'. 21 00:01:02,330 --> 00:01:04,370 - HOW'S IT GOING, IVY? - REAL GOOD. 22 00:01:04,398 --> 00:01:06,298 Teddy's voice: IGNORE HER. SHE'LL GO AWAY. 23 00:01:07,501 --> 00:01:10,101 YOU GIRLS ARE ALWAYS ON THOSE PHONES. 24 00:01:10,138 --> 00:01:12,108 - WHO ARE YOU TEXTING NOW? - NOBODY. 25 00:01:12,140 --> 00:01:15,410 - Teddy's voice: * CLUELESS. - I WISH I COULD DO THAT. 26 00:01:15,443 --> 00:01:18,253 HEY, THEN YOU AND I COULD TEXT EACH OTHER. WOULDN'T THAT BE FUN? 27 00:01:18,279 --> 00:01:22,179 OH MY GOSH, MOM, I'D LOVE THAT! ( chuckles ) 28 00:01:22,216 --> 00:01:23,846 Teddy's voice: EWW! 29 00:01:23,884 --> 00:01:26,554 - I DON'T THINK I CAN TEXT FROM THIS PHONE. - OH, WELL. 30 00:01:26,587 --> 00:01:29,117 SURE YOU CAN, MISS D. WHAT'S YOUR NUMBER? 31 00:01:29,157 --> 00:01:31,627 555-0134. 32 00:01:31,659 --> 00:01:33,859 Teddy's voice: NOT IGNORING. 33 00:01:33,894 --> 00:01:36,304 - ( phone beeps ) - WHAT IS THAT NOISE? 34 00:01:36,330 --> 00:01:38,170 I JUST SENT YOU A TEXT. 35 00:01:38,199 --> 00:01:39,669 - JUST HIT THAT BUTTON TO READ IT. - ( beeps ) 36 00:01:39,700 --> 00:01:41,540 ( gasps ) WELL, LOOK AT THAT. 37 00:01:41,569 --> 00:01:44,469 OH, THAT'S FUNNY, IVY. 38 00:01:44,505 --> 00:01:46,535 THEN YOUR RESPONSE IS "L.O.L." 39 00:01:46,574 --> 00:01:49,684 - "LAUGH OUT LOUD." - ( laughs ) 40 00:01:49,710 --> 00:01:53,250 NO-- NO, MOM. YOU DON'T DO IT, YOU TYPE IT. 41 00:01:54,515 --> 00:01:56,315 OR IF YOU WANT TO GET A LITTLE SAUCY, 42 00:01:56,350 --> 00:01:57,890 - YOU CAN WINK. - ( clicks tongue ) 43 00:01:57,918 --> 00:02:02,588 - ( chuckles ) - NOT THERE. THERE. 44 00:02:02,623 --> 00:02:05,893 JUST A SEMICOLON AND PARENTHESES. 45 00:02:05,926 --> 00:02:08,496 ( gasps ) OH, THAT DOES LOOK LIKE A WINK. 46 00:02:08,529 --> 00:02:10,929 I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M FINALLY A TEXTER. 47 00:02:10,964 --> 00:02:14,174 ( laughing ) LET'S SEE IF IT WORKS FROM THE KITCHEN! 48 00:02:16,604 --> 00:02:18,414 ( vibrates ) 49 00:02:18,439 --> 00:02:22,609 - "W.H.Y.D."? - WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? 50 00:02:24,445 --> 00:02:25,945 ( rock music playing ) 51 00:02:25,979 --> 00:02:27,479 * DAY'S ALL BURNT TOAST 52 00:02:27,515 --> 00:02:29,345 * RUNNING LATE, AND DAD JOKES * 53 00:02:29,383 --> 00:02:31,923 * HAS ANYBODY SEEN MY LEFT SHOE? * 54 00:02:31,952 --> 00:02:33,592 * I CLOSE MY EYES, TAKE A BITE * 55 00:02:33,621 --> 00:02:35,491 * GRAB A RIDE, LAUGH OUT LOUD * 56 00:02:35,523 --> 00:02:37,463 * THERE IT IS UP ON THE ROOF * 57 00:02:38,992 --> 00:02:41,632 * I'VE BEEN THERE, I'VE SURVIVED * 58 00:02:41,662 --> 00:02:45,302 * SO JUST TAKE MY ADVICE * 59 00:02:45,333 --> 00:02:46,933 * HANG IN THERE, BABY 60 00:02:46,967 --> 00:02:48,597 * THINGS ARE CRAZY 61 00:02:48,636 --> 00:02:51,436 * BUT I KNOW YOUR FUTURE'S BRIGHT * 62 00:02:51,472 --> 00:02:53,472 * HANG IN THERE, BABY 63 00:02:53,507 --> 00:02:55,207 * THERE'S NO MAYBE 64 00:02:55,243 --> 00:02:57,683 * EVERYTHING TURNS OUT ALL RIGHT * 65 00:02:57,711 --> 00:03:00,351 * YOUR LIFE IS UP AND DOWN * 66 00:03:00,381 --> 00:03:04,351 * BUT TRUST ME, IT COMES BACK AROUND * 67 00:03:04,385 --> 00:03:07,615 * YOU'RE GONNA LOVE WHO YOU TURN OUT TO BE * 68 00:03:09,290 --> 00:03:12,530 * HANG IN THERE, BABY. 69 00:03:24,738 --> 00:03:26,468 YEAH! 70 00:03:28,742 --> 00:03:31,512 YEAH, THIS IS WAY MORE FUN SINCE YOU'VE LEARNED HOW TO CLAP. 71 00:03:31,545 --> 00:03:33,675 Mrs. Dabney: DON'T IGNORE ME! 72 00:03:33,714 --> 00:03:36,284 WHEN I TELL YOU I EXPECT YOU TO DO IT! 73 00:03:36,317 --> 00:03:38,247 Mr. Dabney: GET OFF MY BACK, WOMAN! 74 00:03:38,286 --> 00:03:39,646 Mrs. Dabney: YOU WANT ME OFF YOUR BACK? 75 00:03:39,687 --> 00:03:42,717 - I CAN ARRANGE THAT. - ( door slams ) 76 00:03:42,756 --> 00:03:45,386 CHARLIE, THOSE ARE OUR NEIGHBORS, THE DABNEYS. 77 00:03:45,426 --> 00:03:48,526 THEY'VE BEEN MARRIED A LONG TIME. 78 00:03:48,562 --> 00:03:52,002 - ( coos ) - HEY, P.J., I JUST KICKED THE FOOTBALL 79 00:03:52,032 --> 00:03:54,472 INTO THE DABNEYS' BACKYARD. WILL YOU GO GET IT? 80 00:03:54,502 --> 00:03:57,312 NO WAY! AT IT AGAIN.G 81 00:03:57,338 --> 00:03:59,708 - WELL, WHAT ABOUT - WHO CARES?LL? 82 00:03:59,740 --> 00:04:01,710 IT'S GONE. KISS IT GOODBYE. 83 00:04:01,742 --> 00:04:04,282 WELL, I'M GLAD TO HEAR YOU SAY THAT 84 00:04:04,312 --> 00:04:05,812 BECAUSE IT WAS YOUR FOOTBALL. 85 00:04:22,463 --> 00:04:24,033 Mrs. Dabney: HA! I WARNED YOU! 86 00:04:24,064 --> 00:04:27,304 THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR BEING A BAD HUSBAND! 87 00:04:27,335 --> 00:04:29,835 AND NOW YOU'RE DEAD! 88 00:04:34,642 --> 00:04:36,542 IS SOMEBODY OUT HERE? 89 00:04:36,577 --> 00:04:39,347 WHO'S OUT HERE? 90 00:04:54,362 --> 00:04:57,702 HMM HMM HMM. HMM. 91 00:05:00,501 --> 00:05:03,771 ( cheering on TV ) 92 00:05:03,804 --> 00:05:07,344 - WHERE'S THE FOOTBALL? - FORGET THE FOOTBALL! 93 00:05:07,375 --> 00:05:09,505 MRS. DABNEY JUST MURDERED MR. DABNEY! 94 00:05:10,511 --> 00:05:12,611 WHAT?! 95 00:05:12,646 --> 00:05:14,616 I HEARD HER TALKING TO HIS CORPSE. 96 00:05:14,648 --> 00:05:16,518 IT WAS CHILLING. 97 00:05:16,550 --> 00:05:18,750 JUST SO I'M CLEAR, 98 00:05:18,786 --> 00:05:20,846 YOU DIDN'T GET THE FOOTBALL? 99 00:05:20,888 --> 00:05:23,788 - I'M SERIOUS, GABE. - COME ON. 100 00:05:23,824 --> 00:05:26,634 MRS. DABNEY MAY BE A MEAN, VICIOUS, CRUEL, 101 00:05:26,660 --> 00:05:29,760 HORRIBLE, NASTY OLD WITCH, 102 00:05:29,797 --> 00:05:32,367 BUT SHE'D NEVER DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT. 103 00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:33,670 - YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME? - NO. 104 00:05:33,701 --> 00:05:35,741 FINE. FINE, I'LL PROVE IT. 105 00:05:35,769 --> 00:05:38,439 - COME HERE, GABE. - ( dialing ) 106 00:05:38,472 --> 00:05:40,672 - ( ringing ) - Mrs. Dabney: Hello? 107 00:05:40,708 --> 00:05:44,778 ( deep voice ) IS MR. DABNEY HOME? 108 00:05:44,812 --> 00:05:47,522 Mrs. Dabney: He... can't come to the phone. 109 00:05:47,548 --> 00:05:50,618 INTERESTING. 110 00:05:50,651 --> 00:05:52,651 Who is this? 111 00:05:52,686 --> 00:05:56,856 UH-- I'M SOME SORT OF SALESMAN. 112 00:05:58,826 --> 00:06:00,756 Gabe, is that you? 113 00:06:00,794 --> 00:06:03,564 WHY WOULD YOU ASSUME MY NAME IS GABE? 114 00:06:04,665 --> 00:06:06,825 Because I have caller ID. 115 00:06:09,470 --> 00:06:12,440 OH. THEN YEAH, IT'S GABE. 116 00:06:12,473 --> 00:06:14,583 HEY! 117 00:06:14,608 --> 00:06:17,578 WHOO! SHE'S COOL UNDER PRESSURE, I'LL GIVE HER THAT. 118 00:06:17,611 --> 00:06:20,551 - P.J., SHE'S NOT A MURDERER. - I HEARD WHAT I HEARD, GABE. 119 00:06:20,581 --> 00:06:22,421 WHY DON'T YOU BELIEVE ME? 120 00:06:22,450 --> 00:06:25,450 BECAUSE YOU'RE YOU AND YOU GET THINGS WRONG. 121 00:06:27,187 --> 00:06:29,657 WHAT ARE YOU SAYING, THAT I'M DUMB? 122 00:06:30,858 --> 00:06:32,688 WELL, NO. 123 00:06:32,726 --> 00:06:34,826 YOU'RE JUST NOT VERY... 124 00:06:36,664 --> 00:06:40,434 - THINKY. - THINKY? 125 00:06:40,468 --> 00:06:42,698 GABE, WHY WOULD YOU SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT? 126 00:06:42,736 --> 00:06:44,666 'CAUSE MOM SAID I CAN'T CALL YOU DUMB. 127 00:06:46,607 --> 00:06:48,637 ( laughing ) IT IS SO PATHETIC. 128 00:06:48,676 --> 00:06:50,676 MY MOM'S IN THE KITCHEN TEXTING AWAY. 129 00:06:50,711 --> 00:06:52,681 GOSH, I'D HATE TO BE ON THE OTHER END OF THAT CONVERSATION. 130 00:06:52,713 --> 00:06:55,623 ( sighs ) WHO ARE YOU TEXTING? 131 00:06:55,649 --> 00:06:57,949 - YOUR MOM. - I AM SO SORRY. 132 00:06:57,985 --> 00:06:59,915 LOOK, I PROMISE I'LL GET HER OUT OF YOUR HAIR. 133 00:06:59,953 --> 00:07:01,923 NO, IT'S OKAY. YOUR MOM'S COOL. 134 00:07:01,955 --> 00:07:04,655 MY MOM IS WHAT? 135 00:07:04,692 --> 00:07:06,592 AND SHE'S REALLY FUNNY. 136 00:07:06,627 --> 00:07:08,857 MY MOM IS WHAT? 137 00:07:08,896 --> 00:07:10,956 - ( beeps ) - WAIT, THAT'S HER AGAIN. 138 00:07:10,998 --> 00:07:13,598 WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT WITH MY MOM? 139 00:07:13,634 --> 00:07:14,974 - NOTHING. - NOTHING?! 140 00:07:15,002 --> 00:07:16,742 ( gasps ) THAT'S WHAT WE SAY TO HER! 141 00:07:16,770 --> 00:07:19,770 ( laughing ) HOLD ON, I HAVE TO "L.O.L." HER. 142 00:07:22,510 --> 00:07:24,780 OKAY, WELL "L.O.L." HAS OFFICIALLY LOST ALL MEANING. 143 00:07:26,714 --> 00:07:29,884 I'M SORRY. IS THIS A PROBLEM FOR YOU? 144 00:07:29,917 --> 00:07:32,617 NO, I JUST THINK IT'S A LITTLE BIT INAPPROPRIATE. 145 00:07:32,653 --> 00:07:35,523 INAPPROPRIATE? NOW YOU SOUND LIKE MY MOTHER. 146 00:07:36,790 --> 00:07:38,760 WELL, HOW WOULD YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR MOTHER SOUNDS LIKE? 147 00:07:38,792 --> 00:07:41,762 YOU'VE BEEN SPENDING SO MUCH TIME WITH MINE! 148 00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:43,625 WHAT ARE YOU GETTING SO WHACKED ABOUT? 149 00:07:43,664 --> 00:07:45,774 YOU DIDN'T WANT TO TEXT HER. 150 00:07:45,799 --> 00:07:48,639 WELL YEAH, THAT'S BECAUSE SHE'S MY MOM, NOT MY FRIEND. 151 00:07:48,669 --> 00:07:50,999 - WOULDN'T YOU BE WEIRDED OUT IF I WAS TEXTING YOUR MOM? - YES-- 152 00:07:51,038 --> 00:07:53,968 BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T HAVE A CELL PHONE. 153 00:07:54,007 --> 00:07:56,637 LOOK, T, IF YOU'RE NOT COOL WITH THIS, 154 00:07:56,677 --> 00:07:58,647 - I'LL JUST STOP. - ( snickers ) 155 00:07:58,679 --> 00:08:00,649 NO NO, I DON'T CARE. I MEAN, IT'S A FREE COUNTRY. 156 00:08:00,681 --> 00:08:02,521 GO CRAZY-- TEXT MY MOM, 157 00:08:02,550 --> 00:08:04,520 I.M. MY DAD, VIDEO-CHAT MY AUNT HELEN. 158 00:08:04,552 --> 00:08:06,622 OOH! YOUR AUNT HELEN? 159 00:08:06,654 --> 00:08:08,694 YOUR MOM SAYS SHE IS DA BOMB DIGGITTY! 160 00:08:10,090 --> 00:08:12,690 MY MOM REALLY SAID "DA BOMB DIGGITTY"? 161 00:08:12,726 --> 00:08:15,096 WELL, I MAY HAVE ADDED THAT PART. 162 00:08:17,297 --> 00:08:19,767 ( suspenseful music on TV ) 163 00:08:21,835 --> 00:08:24,605 P.J., YOU'VE GOT TO STOP WATCHING THESE MYSTERIES. 164 00:08:24,638 --> 00:08:27,308 NOT UNTIL I FIGURE OUT HOW TO CATCH MRS. DABNEY. 165 00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:29,010 THESE OLD MOVIES ARE GONNA HELP ME DO THAT. 166 00:08:29,042 --> 00:08:31,752 THAT'S LIKE SAYING CARTOONS WILL TEACH YOU 167 00:08:31,779 --> 00:08:33,609 HOW TO RUN THROUGH WALLS. 168 00:08:33,647 --> 00:08:36,577 LEARNED THAT THE HARD WAY. 169 00:08:36,617 --> 00:08:40,547 - ( doorbell rings ) - MOM! CAN YOU GET THAT?! 170 00:08:40,588 --> 00:08:43,988 SURE, I'LL GET THE DOOR. I AM A LOT CLOSER TO IT. 171 00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:48,730 HELLO, MRS. DABNEY. 172 00:08:48,762 --> 00:08:51,102 - HELLO. - COME ON IN. 173 00:08:51,131 --> 00:08:53,601 HEADS UP! KILLER IN THE HOUSE. 174 00:08:54,902 --> 00:08:56,842 WHAT HAVE THEY DONE THIS TIME? 175 00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:59,740 FOR ONCE, NOTHING-- THAT I KNOW OF. 176 00:08:59,773 --> 00:09:02,683 IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU TOO. 177 00:09:04,011 --> 00:09:06,111 I'D LIKE TO SPEAK WITH YOUR HUSBAND, PLEASE. 178 00:09:06,146 --> 00:09:08,116 I'LL LET HIM KNOW YOU'RE HERE. 179 00:09:11,719 --> 00:09:13,619 I'M A TEXTER NOW. 180 00:09:15,388 --> 00:09:17,688 I'M TEXTING. 181 00:09:19,159 --> 00:09:21,059 REALLY SPEEDS THINGS UP. 182 00:09:22,830 --> 00:09:25,330 SOMEBODY LOSE A BALL TODAY? 183 00:09:25,365 --> 00:09:29,165 POSSIBLY. DID YOU LOSE ANYTHING TODAY, MRS. DABNEY? 184 00:09:31,772 --> 00:09:35,042 HONEY, WHAT DOES THIS MEAN: "SOMEBODY'S AT THE DOOF." 185 00:09:35,075 --> 00:09:37,875 ( laughing ) 186 00:09:37,911 --> 00:09:39,911 O.M.G.! 187 00:09:42,650 --> 00:09:45,820 I MEANT "DOOR"! 188 00:09:45,853 --> 00:09:47,663 T.T.Y.L. 189 00:09:49,723 --> 00:09:51,833 WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU, MRS. DABNEY? 190 00:09:51,859 --> 00:09:55,759 - YOU'RE AN EXTERMINATOR, RIGHT? - PEST CONTROL SPECIALIST. 191 00:09:55,796 --> 00:09:59,166 MAYBE YOU CAN HELP ME WITH A PROBLEM I'M HAVING. 192 00:09:59,199 --> 00:10:01,799 HOW DO I GET THE SMELL OF DEATH OUT OF MY HOUSE? 193 00:10:01,835 --> 00:10:05,765 ( suspenseful music plays ) 194 00:10:05,806 --> 00:10:08,376 WILL YOU TURN THAT TV DOWN? 195 00:10:08,408 --> 00:10:11,778 - SO YOU THINK SOMETHING DIED IN YOUR HOUSE? - OH, I KNOW SOMETHING'S DEAD. 196 00:10:11,812 --> 00:10:13,912 WELL, FIRST THING YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO DO 197 00:10:13,947 --> 00:10:15,777 IS LOCATE AND DISPOSE OF THE CARCASS. 198 00:10:15,816 --> 00:10:17,886 I SUPPOSE YOU COULD GET MR. DABNEY TO DO THAT. 199 00:10:17,918 --> 00:10:20,148 OH, MR. DABNEY WON'T BE DOING ANYTHING 200 00:10:20,187 --> 00:10:22,157 AROUND THE HOUSE FOR A WHILE-- 201 00:10:22,189 --> 00:10:24,389 A LONG WHILE. HE'S... GONE. 202 00:10:24,424 --> 00:10:26,634 ( suspenseful music plays ) 203 00:10:28,829 --> 00:10:30,829 YOU KNOW WHAT, WOULD YOU JUST TURN IT OFF? 204 00:10:32,032 --> 00:10:34,102 WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR BOYS TODAY? 205 00:10:34,134 --> 00:10:36,774 ( sighs ) I JUST GOT HERE. 206 00:10:36,804 --> 00:10:38,444 UM, ALL RIGHT, OLD TRICK OF THE TRADE-- 207 00:10:38,471 --> 00:10:40,411 GET YOURSELF SOME MAPLE SYRUP, PUT IT ON THE STOVE, 208 00:10:40,440 --> 00:10:43,740 LET IT SIMMER-- THAT SHOULD GET RID OF THE SMELL. 209 00:10:43,777 --> 00:10:47,677 THANK YOU. THAT'S VERY USEFUL INFORMATION. 210 00:10:47,715 --> 00:10:49,945 BYE, BOYS. 211 00:10:55,188 --> 00:10:57,688 "I.T.B.O.O.T.P."-- 212 00:10:57,725 --> 00:11:00,085 WHAT DOES THAT STAND FOR? 213 00:11:00,127 --> 00:11:03,657 Amy: IN THE BATHROOM OUT OF TOILET PAPER! 214 00:11:05,198 --> 00:11:08,198 T.M.I.! 215 00:11:08,235 --> 00:11:10,965 I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, BUT YOU WERE RIGHT! 216 00:11:11,004 --> 00:11:12,714 MRS. DABNEY DID IT. 217 00:11:12,740 --> 00:11:15,780 WOW! THIS IS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE RIGHT, HUH? 218 00:11:16,944 --> 00:11:18,914 I LIKE IT! 219 00:11:18,946 --> 00:11:20,746 TOO BAD SOMEBODY HAD TO DIE, BUT-- 220 00:11:20,781 --> 00:11:22,881 - WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO NOW? - I HAVE TO TELL MOM AND DAD! 221 00:11:22,916 --> 00:11:24,716 THEY'RE NEVER GONNA BELIEVE YOU. 222 00:11:24,752 --> 00:11:26,052 I DIDN'T BELIEVE YOU AND I'M 10. 223 00:11:27,254 --> 00:11:29,094 WELL, THEN WE NEED PROOF. 224 00:11:29,122 --> 00:11:31,262 AND I HAVE TO WARN YOU, GABE, UNTIL WE GET THAT PROOF, 225 00:11:31,291 --> 00:11:32,891 OUR LIVES MAY BE IN DANGER. 226 00:11:32,926 --> 00:11:36,726 ( suspenseful music plays ) 227 00:11:36,764 --> 00:11:39,874 - I THOUGHT WE TURNED THAT OFF. - ( suspenseful music plays ) 228 00:11:39,900 --> 00:11:41,840 ( screams ) 229 00:11:50,210 --> 00:11:52,210 WHAT'D YOU GET FOR NUMBER NINE? 230 00:11:52,245 --> 00:11:54,775 SWITZERLAND. 231 00:11:54,815 --> 00:11:57,815 WELL, THAT'S ODD SINCE WE'RE DOING MATH. 232 00:11:57,851 --> 00:11:59,821 ( knock at door ) 233 00:12:01,221 --> 00:12:03,161 - HI. - HI. 234 00:12:03,190 --> 00:12:05,160 MOM, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? 235 00:12:05,192 --> 00:12:07,292 YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO PICK ME UP UNTIL 5:00. 236 00:12:07,327 --> 00:12:09,157 TEDDY LEFT A MESSAGE AND SAID TO COME BY EARLY-- 237 00:12:09,196 --> 00:12:11,196 SOMETHING ABOUT "CHILLING"? 238 00:12:12,933 --> 00:12:14,303 YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. 239 00:12:14,334 --> 00:12:16,274 THOUGHT YOUR MOM AND I COULD CHILL FOR A LITTLE WHILE. 240 00:12:16,303 --> 00:12:18,843 REALLY? THIS IS WHAT YOU'RE DOING? 241 00:12:18,872 --> 00:12:20,212 YEAH WELL, THIS IS WHAT WE'RE DOING, 242 00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:22,280 SO IF YOU WILL EXCUSE US, 243 00:12:22,309 --> 00:12:25,209 - WE'D LIKE A LITTLE PRIVACY PLEASE. - SURE. FINE. 244 00:12:25,245 --> 00:12:28,145 I'LL BE IN THE KITCHEN WITH YOUR MOM. 245 00:12:38,992 --> 00:12:40,932 COME ON OVER. 246 00:12:40,961 --> 00:12:43,331 SIT DOWN NEXT TO ME, GIRLFRIEND. 247 00:12:44,832 --> 00:12:46,532 WHAT'S THIS ALL ABOUT? IS IVY IN TROUBLE? 248 00:12:46,566 --> 00:12:48,296 OH, NO. ( chuckles ) 249 00:12:48,335 --> 00:12:50,335 IS SHE BACK ON THE CHOCOLATE? 250 00:12:51,839 --> 00:12:53,209 NO NO NO, IVY'S FINE. 251 00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:54,940 I JUST WANTED TO SPEND SOME TIME 252 00:12:54,975 --> 00:12:57,105 WITH ONE OF THE COOL MOMS. 253 00:12:58,111 --> 00:13:01,051 - YOU. - OH. 254 00:13:01,081 --> 00:13:02,951 OKAY. 255 00:13:04,251 --> 00:13:06,891 ( sighs ) 256 00:13:08,188 --> 00:13:10,018 I LOVE YOUR OUTFIT. WHERE'D YOU GET IT? 257 00:13:10,057 --> 00:13:11,927 MY CLOSET. 258 00:13:12,893 --> 00:13:14,833 ( laughs ) 259 00:13:16,296 --> 00:13:18,896 YOU ARE SO FUNNY. I BET YOU GET THAT A LOT, RIGHT? 260 00:13:18,932 --> 00:13:22,002 - NO. - NO? 261 00:13:22,035 --> 00:13:24,905 ARE WE DONE CHILLING? 262 00:13:24,938 --> 00:13:29,978 YES. YES, WE ARE BECAUSE IT IS TIME TO PAR-TAY. LET'S GET THIS JAM STARTED! 263 00:13:30,010 --> 00:13:31,950 - ( rock music playing ) - WHOO! 264 00:13:31,979 --> 00:13:35,149 YEAH! COME ON, MISS W! LET YOUR FREAK FLAG FLY! 265 00:13:35,182 --> 00:13:37,252 YEAH! 266 00:13:37,284 --> 00:13:40,624 THAT'S KIND OF LOUD. COULD YOU LOWER THAT, PLEASE? 267 00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:43,323 YEAH. 268 00:13:43,356 --> 00:13:45,156 - ( music volume lowers ) - A LITTLE BIT MORE. 269 00:13:46,927 --> 00:13:48,997 - A LITTLE BIT MORE. - ( music stops ) 270 00:13:49,029 --> 00:13:51,299 PERFECT. 271 00:13:51,331 --> 00:13:53,301 UH, HEY, WANT TO DO SOMETHING FUN? 272 00:13:53,333 --> 00:13:55,943 I LIKE MAKING THESE VIDEO DIARIES FOR MY BABY SISTER. 273 00:13:55,969 --> 00:13:58,009 SO HOW ABOUT WE SAY HI? 274 00:13:58,038 --> 00:14:00,008 HI, CHARLIE. IT'S TEDDY HERE 275 00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:02,910 with my new friend Mrs. Wentz. 276 00:14:02,943 --> 00:14:05,353 - Ha! - Hello. 277 00:14:05,378 --> 00:14:07,608 LET'S SEE HOW WE LOOK. 278 00:14:07,647 --> 00:14:09,947 Ooh, I'd date us. Wouldn't you? 279 00:14:09,983 --> 00:14:13,023 I'm married. 280 00:14:13,053 --> 00:14:15,063 OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH OF THAT. 281 00:14:15,088 --> 00:14:17,318 NO, YOU KNOW WHAT? WE'VE BEEN DOING A LOT OF MY FUN STUFF. 282 00:14:17,357 --> 00:14:19,427 TELL ME-- TELL ME ABOUT YOU. WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO FOR FUN? 283 00:14:19,459 --> 00:14:22,999 - I LIKE TO KNIT. - OOH! 284 00:14:23,030 --> 00:14:26,930 THAT IS SO COOL BECAUSE-- ANYTHING ELSE? 285 00:14:28,936 --> 00:14:31,036 - I LIKE TO READ. - OH, YEAH? ME TOO. 286 00:14:31,071 --> 00:14:33,111 - WHAT KIND OF STUFF DO YOU LIKE TO READ? - KNITTING MAGAZINES. 287 00:14:35,308 --> 00:14:37,908 THAT'S AWESOME. I MEAN, WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON-- 288 00:14:37,945 --> 00:14:41,275 YOU KNOW, ONCE I START READING KNITTING MAGAZINES, 289 00:14:41,314 --> 00:14:43,324 WHICH YOU'RE PULLING OUT OF YOUR BAG. 290 00:14:51,959 --> 00:14:53,289 OKAY, SHE'S GONE. 291 00:14:53,326 --> 00:14:55,156 HERE'S HOW THIS IS GONNA GO DOWN. 292 00:14:55,195 --> 00:14:57,995 I'M GONNA JUMP OVER THE FENCE, YOU HAND CHARLIE TO ME. 293 00:14:58,031 --> 00:15:00,331 - AND THEN-- - OR I COULD JUST WALK THROUGH THE GATE 294 00:15:00,367 --> 00:15:02,367 LIKE THIS. 295 00:15:02,402 --> 00:15:05,172 - ( coos ) - YOU DID KNOW THERE WAS A GATE, RIGHT? 296 00:15:05,205 --> 00:15:09,405 YES. WOULD I BE RIDING ON TOP OF IT IF I DIDN'T? 297 00:15:13,013 --> 00:15:15,453 - NOW WHAT? - NOW IT'S TIME TO BE 298 00:15:15,482 --> 00:15:18,052 IN OPERATION "CATCH A KILLER"... 299 00:15:18,085 --> 00:15:20,015 WHILE BABYSITTING. 300 00:15:22,089 --> 00:15:24,059 SO, WHAT ARE WE LOOKING FOR? 301 00:15:24,091 --> 00:15:27,091 EVIDENCE, CLUES, A WEAPON. 302 00:15:27,127 --> 00:15:30,227 MR. DABNEY'S ROTTING CORPSE WOULD BE NICE. 303 00:15:30,263 --> 00:15:32,103 OH MY GOSH, THAT'S HORRIBLE! 304 00:15:32,132 --> 00:15:35,102 - WHAT? WHAT DO YOU SEE? - THAT PAINT COLOR-- 305 00:15:35,135 --> 00:15:36,995 IT'S SO WRONG FOR THAT ROOM! 306 00:15:39,172 --> 00:15:42,412 - I WATCH A LOT OF DESIGN SHOWS. - FOCUS! 307 00:15:44,444 --> 00:15:47,514 - LOOK. SOMETHING'S MOVING. - WHERE? 308 00:15:47,547 --> 00:15:49,717 BY THE COUCH, RIGHT-- RIGHT THERE. 309 00:15:49,749 --> 00:15:52,149 - IT'S A BABY! - IT'S CHARLIE! 310 00:15:52,185 --> 00:15:54,515 NO, IT'S NOT. CHARLIE'S RIGHT OVER-- 311 00:15:54,554 --> 00:15:57,294 INSIDE THE MURDER HOUSE! 312 00:16:02,162 --> 00:16:04,132 OKAY, TRY TO STAY WITH ME NOW 313 00:16:04,164 --> 00:16:06,404 BECAUSE WE'RE GOING TO GET A LITTLE WILD. 314 00:16:06,433 --> 00:16:10,043 INSTEAD OF KNIT ONE, PURL TWO, 315 00:16:10,070 --> 00:16:13,270 WE KICK IT UP TO KNIT ONE, PURL THREE! 316 00:16:13,306 --> 00:16:16,106 IS THAT EVEN LEGAL? 317 00:16:16,143 --> 00:16:18,153 I DON'T KNOW, 318 00:16:18,178 --> 00:16:20,448 BUT I JUST LIKE LIVING DANGEROUSLY! 319 00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:23,750 OKAY, I'M GONNA GO GET SOMETHING TO DRINK. 320 00:16:23,783 --> 00:16:25,293 - DO YOU WANT ANYTHING? - OH, NOT NOW. 321 00:16:25,318 --> 00:16:27,188 I'M IN THE ZONE! 322 00:16:30,523 --> 00:16:32,363 - ( sighs ) - WHAT YOU DOING IN HERE? 323 00:16:32,392 --> 00:16:35,162 GIVING UP. 324 00:16:35,195 --> 00:16:39,065 DID SHE SUCK THE LIFE OUT OF YOU? 325 00:16:39,099 --> 00:16:40,569 YEAH, PRETTY MUCH. 326 00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:43,400 NOW YOU SEE WHY I'M ALWAYS AT YOUR HOUSE. 327 00:16:43,436 --> 00:16:45,206 YEAH, I'M SO SORRY. 328 00:16:45,238 --> 00:16:47,108 I WAS BEING SELFISH WITH MY MOM. 329 00:16:47,140 --> 00:16:49,110 AND EVEN THOUGH I THINK IT'S A LITTLE BIT WEIRD, 330 00:16:49,142 --> 00:16:50,382 YOU CAN TEXT HER AS MUCH AS YOU WANT. 331 00:16:50,410 --> 00:16:53,180 I THINK I GOT A BETTER IDEA. 332 00:16:54,181 --> 00:16:55,821 AND THEN, GET THIS, 333 00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:58,118 IF YOU TYPE IN A SEMICOLON PARENTHESES, 334 00:16:58,151 --> 00:17:00,351 - YOU GET A-- - WINKY FACE! 335 00:17:00,387 --> 00:17:02,187 - MM-HMM. - OOH! 336 00:17:02,222 --> 00:17:04,392 I HAVE GOT TO GET A CELL PHONE. 337 00:17:06,159 --> 00:17:08,329 I LIKE IT. YOU PUT OUR MOMS TOGETHER 338 00:17:08,361 --> 00:17:10,461 AND THEY LEAVE US ALONE. YOU ARE BRILLIANT. 339 00:17:10,497 --> 00:17:12,467 SEE, THIS IS WHY WE'RE B.F.F.s. 340 00:17:12,499 --> 00:17:15,469 I'M BRILLIANT AND YOU RECOGNIZE IT. 341 00:17:15,502 --> 00:17:18,212 NOW IF I TYPE "R.O.T.F." 342 00:17:18,238 --> 00:17:21,208 DO I ACTUALLY HAVE TO ROLL ON THE FLOOR? 343 00:17:21,241 --> 00:17:24,281 I THOUGHT THE SAME THING AT FIRST, 344 00:17:24,311 --> 00:17:26,351 BUT NO. 345 00:17:26,379 --> 00:17:28,219 THIS'LL GET HER OUT. 346 00:17:28,248 --> 00:17:30,548 CHARLIE LOVES THINGS THAT RATTLE. 347 00:17:30,583 --> 00:17:33,253 OKAY, GIRL. CHARLIE, COME ON. 348 00:17:33,286 --> 00:17:34,616 GET THE KEYS. GET THE KEYS! 349 00:17:34,654 --> 00:17:37,194 AW, MAN! I DROPPED THE KEYS. 350 00:17:37,224 --> 00:17:39,194 FANTASTIC! 351 00:17:39,226 --> 00:17:41,126 NOW WE CAN'T GET INTO OUR HOUSE EITHER. 352 00:17:43,530 --> 00:17:46,400 - I DON'T SEE CHARLIE. WHERE'D SHE GO? - OH, THERE SHE IS. 353 00:17:47,467 --> 00:17:50,267 ( chattering ) 354 00:17:51,904 --> 00:17:54,444 WAIT, WHAT IS SHE PUTTING ON HER HEAD, 355 00:17:54,474 --> 00:17:56,444 A DISHTOWEL? 356 00:17:56,476 --> 00:17:59,176 P.J.: MRS. DABNEY'S UNDERPANTS! 357 00:17:59,212 --> 00:18:01,252 ( both groan ) OH! 358 00:18:01,281 --> 00:18:03,181 - MAN! - OH-HO! 359 00:18:03,216 --> 00:18:04,876 COME ON, WE GOTTA GET HER OUT OF THERE. 360 00:18:04,917 --> 00:18:06,517 - ( gate closes ) - YEAH, COME ON. 361 00:18:06,553 --> 00:18:09,663 WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY YARD? 362 00:18:09,689 --> 00:18:12,529 WE'RE HERE TO HELP YOU WITH YOUR GROCERIES. 363 00:18:12,559 --> 00:18:14,289 YOU WANT TO BE HELPFUL? 364 00:18:14,327 --> 00:18:17,527 I LIKE TO TRY NEW THINGS. 365 00:18:17,564 --> 00:18:19,274 HERE, LET ME GIVE YOU A HAND WITH THAT. 366 00:18:19,299 --> 00:18:21,269 I CAN HANDLE THE GROCERIES. 367 00:18:21,301 --> 00:18:23,341 BUT AS LONG AS YOU'RE HERE, 368 00:18:23,370 --> 00:18:25,270 I COULD USE YOUR HELP WITH SOMETHING INSIDE. 369 00:18:25,305 --> 00:18:28,275 INSIDE? PERFECT. 370 00:18:28,308 --> 00:18:31,278 LET ME JUST PUT MY GROCERIES DOWN. 371 00:18:31,311 --> 00:18:33,281 - TAKE YOUR TIME. - YEAH. YEAH. 372 00:18:33,313 --> 00:18:35,183 - WHERE'S CHARLIE? - UH-- 373 00:18:35,215 --> 00:18:38,485 - LOOK BEHIND THE CURTAINS! - OKAY. 374 00:18:38,518 --> 00:18:40,548 - NOTHING! - THERE SHE IS! 375 00:18:40,587 --> 00:18:42,617 OH, I'VE GOT YOU. 376 00:18:43,656 --> 00:18:45,326 YEAH. 377 00:18:45,358 --> 00:18:47,228 ( groans ) EWW. 378 00:18:47,260 --> 00:18:49,300 I DON'T WANT IT! 379 00:18:49,329 --> 00:18:51,599 STOP IT! 380 00:18:51,631 --> 00:18:53,701 WHERE DID THAT BABY COME FROM? 381 00:18:53,733 --> 00:18:55,503 CHARLIE? I'VE BEEN HOLDING HER THE WHOLE TIME. 382 00:18:55,535 --> 00:18:58,235 - YOU HAVE? - THAT'S SAD, MRS. DABNEY. 383 00:18:58,271 --> 00:19:00,611 THEY SAY THE EYES ARE THE FIRST THINGS TO GO. 384 00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:02,210 WE GOTTA GO. 385 00:19:02,242 --> 00:19:04,282 NOT SO FAST. PUT THE BABY DOWN. 386 00:19:04,311 --> 00:19:06,311 I NEED YOU TO CARRY SOMETHING OUT FOR ME. 387 00:19:06,346 --> 00:19:09,676 ( Charlie chattering ) 388 00:19:09,716 --> 00:19:11,676 I WANT YOU TO TAKE THIS TRUNK OUT TO MY CAR. 389 00:19:11,718 --> 00:19:13,388 IT'S TOO HEAVY FOR ME. 390 00:19:13,420 --> 00:19:15,720 - WHY? WHAT'S IN IT? - SOMETHING I SHOULD'VE 391 00:19:15,755 --> 00:19:17,655 GOTTEN RID OF A LONG TIME AGO. 392 00:19:19,292 --> 00:19:20,962 - WHERE ARE YOU TAKING IT? - TO THE DUMP. 393 00:19:20,993 --> 00:19:22,603 THAT'S WHERE YOU TAKE TRASH, ISN'T IT? 394 00:19:22,629 --> 00:19:24,359 TRASH?! 395 00:19:24,397 --> 00:19:26,927 MR. DABNEY WASN'T TRASH, HE WAS A PERSON! 396 00:19:26,966 --> 00:19:30,536 - WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? - YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. 397 00:19:30,570 --> 00:19:33,340 YOU BUMPED OFF YOUR HUSBAND AND STUFFED HIM INTO THAT TRUNK. 398 00:19:33,373 --> 00:19:35,713 - IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK?! - THAT'S WHAT WE KNOW! 399 00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:40,250 WHAT IS SHE-- OH, WATCH IT! 400 00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:42,350 SHE'S KILL-CRAZY! 401 00:19:42,382 --> 00:19:44,482 YOU WANT TO SEE WHAT'S IN HERE? 402 00:19:44,517 --> 00:19:46,287 TAKE A LOOK. 403 00:19:51,258 --> 00:19:53,358 - Both: WHOA! - IT'S MR. DABNEY! 404 00:19:53,393 --> 00:19:55,663 AND HE'S ALREADY DECOMPOSED! 405 00:19:55,695 --> 00:19:57,495 THAT'S NOT MR. DABNEY. 406 00:19:57,530 --> 00:19:59,570 THAT'S A SKELETON HE USED IN HIS CLASSROOM. 407 00:19:59,599 --> 00:20:02,599 HE USED TO BE A SCIENCE TEACHER. 408 00:20:02,635 --> 00:20:05,405 BUT I HEARD YOU SCREAMING AT HIM. 409 00:20:05,438 --> 00:20:07,638 YOU CALLED HIM A BAD HUSBAND AND THEN YOU SAID, 410 00:20:07,674 --> 00:20:09,714 "AND NOW YOU'RE DEAD!" 411 00:20:09,742 --> 00:20:12,552 OH! YOU MUST HAVE HEARD ME TALKING BACK 412 00:20:12,579 --> 00:20:14,379 TO SOMEONE ON MY SOAPS. 413 00:20:14,414 --> 00:20:15,554 SOAPS? 414 00:20:15,582 --> 00:20:18,422 SOAP OPERAS... ON TV... 415 00:20:18,451 --> 00:20:20,421 LIKE THE ONE THEY SHOULD NAME AFTER YOU TWO-- 416 00:20:20,453 --> 00:20:22,393 "THE YOUNG AND THE CLUELESS." 417 00:20:23,690 --> 00:20:26,030 WELL, IF MR. DABNEY ISN'T DEAD, THEN WHERE IS HE? 418 00:20:26,058 --> 00:20:28,498 AT HIS MOTHER'S PROBABLY WISHING HE WAS DEAD. 419 00:20:30,630 --> 00:20:33,330 WELL, THEN HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THE SMELL OF DEATH 420 00:20:33,366 --> 00:20:36,266 - YOU ASKED MY DAD ABOUT? - DEAD POSSUM IN MY DRYER VENT. 421 00:20:36,303 --> 00:20:39,443 WELL, THEN HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN-- 422 00:20:39,472 --> 00:20:41,412 THAT'S PRETTY MUCH IT, I GUESS. 423 00:20:42,809 --> 00:20:45,279 JUST ONE MORE QUESTION-- 424 00:20:45,312 --> 00:20:47,412 DO YOU HAVE ANY COOKIES? 425 00:20:48,481 --> 00:20:50,521 GET OUT. 426 00:20:54,354 --> 00:20:56,664 WHAT ARE MY UNDERPANTS DOING IN THE FIREPLACE? 427 00:20:56,689 --> 00:20:58,689 GOTTA GO! 428 00:21:05,398 --> 00:21:07,428 Teddy: * Dat-da-da-da! Here she comes! * 429 00:21:07,467 --> 00:21:10,537 Coolest mom in the world! Yay. 430 00:21:10,570 --> 00:21:12,370 Okay, what's all this? 431 00:21:12,405 --> 00:21:14,305 Oh, just showing Charlie how much I love you. 432 00:21:14,341 --> 00:21:15,711 Oh, I love you too, sweetie. 433 00:21:15,742 --> 00:21:17,842 And I love you too, Charlie. 434 00:21:17,877 --> 00:21:20,447 Oh, so Mom, I've been thinking-- 435 00:21:20,480 --> 00:21:22,450 maybe you and I should start texting. 436 00:21:22,482 --> 00:21:24,052 I mean, you are a pretty cool mom, right? 437 00:21:24,083 --> 00:21:26,523 Oh, sorry, honey. Those days are over. 438 00:21:27,587 --> 00:21:29,587 Text thumbs. 439 00:21:30,790 --> 00:21:33,460 Text thumbs? That's our mom-- 440 00:21:33,493 --> 00:21:36,363 from cool to embarrassing just like that. 441 00:21:36,396 --> 00:21:38,426 All right. Good luck, Charlie. 442 00:21:47,507 --> 00:21:50,607 HEY, GUYS. BETTER MAKE YOUR FRIEND A SANDWICH. 443 00:21:50,643 --> 00:21:53,413 HE'S LOOKING A LITTLE THIN. 444 00:21:53,446 --> 00:21:54,706 WHERE'D YOU GUYS GET THAT THING? 445 00:21:54,747 --> 00:21:56,647 MRS. DABNEY WAS THROWING IT OUT. 446 00:21:56,683 --> 00:21:59,393 YEAH, IT BELONGED TO MR. DABNEY. HE WAS A SCIENCE TEACHER. 447 00:21:59,419 --> 00:22:02,559 MR. DABNEY WASN'T A SCIENCE TEACHER. HE WAS A MUSIC TEACHER. 448 00:22:02,589 --> 00:22:04,419 Both: WHAT?! 449 00:22:04,457 --> 00:22:07,087 - THAT MEANS-- - THIS IS-- 450 00:22:07,126 --> 00:22:10,396 ( boys screaming ) 451 00:22:13,633 --> 00:22:15,603 MR. DABNEY WASN'T A MUSIC TEACHER. 452 00:22:15,635 --> 00:22:19,605 YOU'RE THINKING OF-- OF MR. DIXON ACROSS THE STREET. 453 00:22:19,639 --> 00:22:22,439 OH, THAT'S RIGHT. MR. DABNEY WAS A SCIENCE TEACHER. 454 00:22:24,911 --> 00:22:27,611 THE BOYS SEEM A LITTLE JUMPY TO YOU? 455 00:22:27,647 --> 00:22:29,677 AH, I JUST GOT HERE. 33192

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