Original subtitles

www.DHIYAFARIS.com

[LILY ALLEN'S "LITTLEST THINGS' PLAYING]

J' Sometimes I find myself Sitting back and reminiscing I

J' Especially when I have to watch Other people kissing I

J' And I remember when you started Calling me your Mrs. I

J' All the play fighting All the flirtatious disses J'

J' I'd tell you sad stories About my childhood J'

J' I dunno why I trusted you But I knew that I could J'

J' We'd spend the whole weekend Lying in our own dirt J'

J' I was just so happy In your boxers and your t-shin J'

J' Dreams, dreams Of when we had just started things I

J' Dreams of you and me J'

J' It seems, it seems That I can'! shake those memories J'

J' I wonder if you have The same dreams too I

J' The littlest things That take me there I

J' I know it sounds lame But it's so true I

J' I know it's not right But it seems unfair I

J' That thing's Are reminding me of you J'

J' Sometimes I wish We could just pretend J'

J' Even if only for one weekend J'

J' So come on Tell me, is this the end? I

J' Drinkin' tea in bed Watchin' DVDs J'

J' When I discovered All your dirty, grotty magazines J'

J' You'd take me out shopping And all we'd buy is trainers J'

J' As if we ever needed anything To entertain us I

J' The first time that you introduced me To your friends J'

J' And you could {eff that I was nervous So you held my hand J'

J' When I was feeling down You'd make that face you do I

J' There's no one in the world Who could replace you J'

J' Dreams, dreams Of when we had just started things J'

J' Dreams of me and you J' J' Dreams of me and you, ooh-ooh J'

Nice.

J' It seems, it seems That I can't shake those memories J'

J' I wonder if you feel the same way too J'

J' Girl, I do J'

[LAUGHS]

Oh, shit, it's work. Wait, turn it down. Turn it down.

Hello?

Shh. Jesse. What?

I have to give a sound bite for the L.A. Times, so no noise for a minute.

I might actually gel a call too, so if it's noisy, I'll be on a call.

Okay. Ready? Ahem.

All right. This year, all trends will head toward simplicity and comfort.

Things like Roku, Vudu,

cookbooks and casual wear will see a spike in the market.

Can I have a drag?

Yeah.

That's perfect. Thanks. What'd you do?

Seriously, can you not sit still for like two minutes?

We talked about this. No more smoking.

JESSE: Hey, Disney Hall. Yeah. I'm not doing it.

Not doing what? I am not doing that.

It's just a building. JESSE: It's not trending. Ow!

Ow! Wanna go titty for titty? My arms are longer. My boobs are smaller.

Focus on driving. I am focused on dri-- Ow!

Great. Jess, that place is amazing.

[WHISPERING] I'm on a really important call.

[MOUTHS] on, okay. [IN NORMAL VOICE] Uh-huh. Yeah.

I don't know what to say. Thank you for calling.

[WHISPERS] Is that about the job?

Awesome. Thank you so much, man.

Thank you, yeah. Talk soon. Okay, bye.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Was that about the magazine job?

No. But, Celeste, a swell came in last night.

Northwest.

Apparently, it is overhead and it is glassy.

What the fuck are you talking about? Malibu.

The waves are crushing right now. Are you talking about surfing?

Yeah. Why are you not more excited?

I'm so psyched. I just thought that was about that job.

The illustration job. Right. They haven't called me back.

I'm not dying to work there.

Doesn't seem like you're dying to work at all.

I'm putting together a show. You know it takes time.

I know. Okay. Can I drop you off at home now?

I just missed a wave. At some point, I feel--

Missed another. All right.

Two more just went by. Okay.

I could be on those. Take me home.

[BRENDA RUSSELL'S "A LITTLE BIT OF LOVE" PLAYING]

J' A little bit of love Can go a long, long way J'J'

Be back by 6 so you can shower'? Why shower?

Beth and Tucker, dinner. Right. Yep.

Have fun shredding your glassy peel. Oh, so wrong.

Love you. Love you.

Thank you.

Did you guys end up seeing that band last week?

Oh, yeah. Fuck Your Mom?

They were for reals, dude. Yeah.

Get them as your wedding band. They're loud but probably pretty cheap.

Or the band that opened, Please Us, Christ. They were good.

They shredded. It's done. I told you.

We got the greatest swing band.

Sugarfoot and the Swingin' Scrod. We actually didn't.

We talked about this. Swing is so late '90s.

We're not gonna do that. We're not doing it. We're not...

I'm gonna eat your face, I love you so much. We'll talk about it later.

JESSE [IN GERMAN ACCENT]: And so now we turn to the menu.

[IN GERMAN ACCENT] Yes, I think the best idea is to get enchiladas and tacos,

and then we split the two, ja?

JESSE: This is a clinical choice, but I must object to your strategy

for I wish to enjoy the tacos alone.

No, but that is not fair. As long as I can have some bites, ja?

But we know about your bites, don't we? No.

You take one and then you take many.

Ja, this is true. Ja, you do.

CELESTE: This is true.

[BOTH LAUGH]

We can't do this anymore.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] on, God. on.

Honey, weddings are so stressful, but I promise you, we know.

You guys will be fine. JESSE [IN NORMAL VOICE]: Just fine.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, we are fine. No, we're good.

What the fuck are you two doing?

What do you mean? Yeah.

What do I mean? You two are not together.

It's not normal, okay?

You guys have been separated for six months.

You're getting divorced, all right?

And you spend every day together hanging out as if, like, it's no big deal.

Guess what. It's fucking weird. I don't think this is--

Tell them what you think. Let's not play charades. It's weird.

There's no charades being played here. No charades.

No charading. No.

We are separated, and we're friends. You guys should be happy.

We fought all the time. We don't anymore.

You don't have to choose sides. It's the perfect breakup.

CELESTE: Yeah, everyone's cool.

Everyone is not cool. Not cool.

BETH: No one is cool here.

I'm sorry.

I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry.

Baby. Beth.

JESSE [IN GERMAN ACCENT] Beth is so angry.

[IN GERMAN ACCENT]: Ja, she is fiber angry.

[BOTH SPEAK IN GERMAN]

This is too weird.

Hey, C. Hmm?

Can you help me with something? What?

Oh...

Don't wanna pressure you into anything

but this gentleman is awfully lonely and just--

Here, I'll show you how it works. Just-

Oh, my God. Oh, God.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Oh, he likes that.

[CELESTE MOANS]

Wait, be quiet. My roommate's next door. Don't make any sound.

All right. Oh, God. Oh, God.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh! Oh!

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Dude. That was a big one.

Yeah.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

[SIGHS]

Beth and Tucker are crazy. Crazy.

Right? Yes.

I mean, it is not weird that we hang out all the time.

Do you think it's weird?

No. You're my best friend. Yeah. You're my best friend too.

Last time we didn't speak for more than a week was in 10th grade

when you went to Space Camp Canada.

That was a brutal five weeks. Mm.

The antigravity training was crazy, though.

But I missed you.

Me too. Heh.

Uh-oh.

Look who's back.

His recovery time is insane. Oh, no.

He's a college boy and he's ready to rock.

Here we go. Oh!

Ugh. I'm exhausted. Yeah, me too.

Dessert was good, right? Oh, so good.

Night. Night.

Hey, it's kind of chilly tonight. How's your heat in there?

It's fine. I'm fine. Okay. Good.

Hey, sorry I'm still living back here.

Stay as long as you want. It's your studio.

Also, it's really nice having you here. For me too.

Night. Night. Love you.

Love you too.

J' Everybody sing my little song now J'

J' Everybody sing Yeah J'

J' A little bit of love Can go a long long way J'

J' But what you're thinking of J'

J' Should maybe start today Start today I

J' Oh, oh, oh Star! today, start today J'J'

Are you gonna--? No. MAN: Here's your chai latte.

Can I get a large coffee to go? MAN: Soy cappuccino for David.

Uh...

Excuse me, sir? Sir.

Sir. Yeah, you. Sorry.

You do realize that you just cut in front of a bunch of people, right?

I'm so sorry. I didn't know. Did you not know?

I'm just in a big rush, so... So you did know.

And I'm sure everyone here is in a rush. Okay, is this really happening?

She was looking at the pastries, so I just-- I thought...

It's not just her. It's everyone behind her.

If you wanna ask every single person if it's okay that you cut, be my guest.

Don't assume your time is more important than others'.

Thank you for the lecture. Have a great day, everybody. Not you.

American culture is dying, and there's an unrelenting appetite in this country

for reality shows, talentless pop stars like Riley Banks,

recycled, bloated movie franchises.

The more we consume crap, the more we want crap.

You are what you eat.

It sounds utterly hopeless. ls there an upshot?

I think there will be a groundswell movement toward simplicity.

People will crave spiritual, mental and physical nourishment.

It'll be back to basics. Wow. A lot to chew on.

For more on this gloomy but interesting subject,

look out for Celeste Martin's new book, Shitegeist,

on bookshelves Monday.

CELESTE: I had dinner with the drama club.

Who's that? Beth and Tucker.

They left in the middle of dinner

because they don't approve of me and Jesse hanging out.

It is sojudgy. We're fine. If we were gay, we wouldn't be having this conversation.

We'd just be friends. You are not ready to let go of each other.

There's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with it.

I mean, what do you think? Well, to be honest--

Oh, my God. We're signing Riley Banks?

What the fuck, Scott? I just trashed her on TV.

That's why I wanted you to come in. It's a huge account.

We built this company so we didn't have to sign accounts like Riley Banks.

You and I may not have a company if we don't take Riley Banks.

I don't understand. She's like a vagina and a hairdo.

She's releasing a new CD.

She wants us to do the branding and merchandising.

Ugh. Fine. I'm gonna go eat my feelings.

If you want my opinion, I do think you should start dating.

Scott, I'm fine. I have so much time. I'm not worried.

Do me a favor and get your fuck on before you meet the next guy.

What is that? What are you doing?

Sorry. I was trying to be your saucy gay friend.

Didn't feel good. No. Don't. Mm-mm.

The economic climate is real bad, man.

I think my business is taking the hardest hit of all.

It's brutal. Is it just me or is nobody talking about it?

You sell weed, Skillz. Not for long, dude.

You seen those weed pharmacies on every fucking corner?

They're killing me.

I mean, I think I gotta branch out, start working in methamphetamines.

Or teach preschool, you know?

I love kids, and I just, I don't know, always wanted to do that.

Sorry, dude.

I know this is serious talky time, but look at the fucking seat on that girl.

That is a party. I don't think it's over.

SKILLZ: What? Her butt? No, it goes on forever.

No, man. Me and Celeste.

She's overwhelmed and confused, but I think she's gonna come around.

Oh, no. Really, pal?

I mean, it's been a while, you know,

but I think it's time to accept that and move on.

Call that dime Veronica. No, dude. That was a one-time thing.

Celeste does not know about it, so don't tell her.

I didn't know that was a hit-and-run. It's not like you really liked her, so...

She was cool, but she's not Celeste.

Okay, but remember, you can't reheat a souffle.

What does that mean? It's L.A. There's bettys everywhere.

It's good to remind Celeste you can pull a little wool.

Make her sweat a bit. Yeah, I guess.

How are you? CASHIER: Good.

So, what do you want, man? Maybe I just don't wanna start over.

No, I meant, like, what do you want? Do you want yogurt?

Can I have a goji-berry-and-green-tea swirl with yogurt chips and Cap'n Crunch?

Would you go out with my friend ever? No.

Where's your wife? You guys are here every day together.

We're actually separated. Oh, cool.

I mean, bummer or whatever, but, okay, I'll go.

Just like that.

Cool.

You want it swirled or side by side?

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

What? I need to say one thing.

Then I'm not gonna say another word about it.

I'm sorry I wigged on you at dinner. But I think it's stupid you're not together.

I do. You guys are best friends.

That's the hard part. Nothing else matters.

Beth, I love Jesse dearly

but he doesn't have a checking account or dress shoes.

The father of my children will have a car. You know?

Jesse will always be my best friend.

Okay. I said what I had to say.

Not gonna say another word. I just needed to say that.

It's a huge mistake that he's living in that guesthouse.

You are breaking his heart, slowly. Jesse is fine.

He's fine.

[TV ANNOUNCER SPEAKING IN GERMAN]

Hey.

You're not working?

You're watching the Beijing Olympics again?

And you're crying again.

Matthias' wife died in a car accident last year.

Uh-huh. Hey, did you finish that artwork for the Pop Form website yet?

No, it's not done yet. I'm still working on it.

I think you're gonna like it. Can you finish it tonight?

Um...

No. Actually...

Sit down for one second. I wanna tell you something important.

Oh. Okay.

Does it have something to do with the work you owe me

that's late that we were just talking about?

Tonight I am going on a date.

And I'm gonna date people.

That's great.

It is? Yeah.

No, Jess. Please don't cry again. Good for you.

Huh.

Doesn't bother you? No.

Okay. Yeah, it's yogurt girl from Yogurt Yurt.

Yogurt girl. Yeah, she's cute.

She's really young, right? Super young, yeah.

But her body is, like, all-time. Okay, there's no need for that, but--

Wow, that's great. That's really great.

This is good. You gotta crawl before you walk.

She's not gonna be wifey number two, but whatever.

No. It's just a date.

Hey. Big move.

I'm proud of you.

Thank you. Can I get up now?

Oh, yeah. Okay.

You're gonna be great. Call me after.

Ew. No.

I was in school, but I dropped out because I wanna work in fashion.

But it's really hard to find a paid internship.

So I went back to school, and now I work at Yogurt Yurt.

I'm looking to make money doing something I love.

I'm sure the universe has my back.

The right thing will come along, you know?

I mean, you get it, obviously, right? Totally.

[Hi]

[GATE SQUEAKS]

[WOMAN LAUGHING]

WOMAN: Oh, my God.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[LAUGHTER]

WOMAN: Oh, my God, Jesse. JESSE: Shh.

[DOOR OPENS THEN CLOSES]

"Do It on My Face"?

RILEY [ON RECORDING]: This song is about being who you are.

Unless who you are sucks. Ha-ha.

Ugh. Ew. Everybody shut up.

J' Get over here N'

[TURNS MUSIC OFF]

[Hi]

They said it would be in new releases.

[CELESTE SIGHS]

Where is it?

No.

[SIGHS]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Now, that's what I call placement.

[GROANS]

You shouldn't steal it, even if it is your book.

I'm just rearranging some things.

There. You can't do that.

Yes, I can. An employee didn't pick you.

Doesn't matter.

Hey. Employee picks.

Congrats. That's awesome. Thanks.

What happened? Employee picks.

Wow.

WOMAN: Jesse?

Hey. Veronica.

Hey- He)'

How's it going? Good.

Yeah? Yeah. Um...

How you been? I've been good.

How have you been? Good.

You look great. Thanks. You too.

What are you doing here? Uh...

Checking out books.

Same. Yep. Ha-ha-ha.

How's your clothespin collage going?

You remember that.

It's good. It's good. Slow but good.

Well, don't give it up, because it's really unique and beautiful.

I hope that didn't sound too-- No, no. That's really sweet and--

Good. Yeah, that means a lot. Thank you.

You're welcome.

I had so much fun with you that night. I'm sorry I didn't call.

I had a lot of fun too.

Cool.

Hey. Hi.

I have to find more places to put my book.

Veronica, these are my friends.

Celeste. Hi.

Beth and Tucker. Hi.

On. Hi. TUCKER: Hey.

How are you? Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you too.

Oh, wow. You wrote that book.

I just read an excerpt online. It's really compelling.

Thank you. That's very nice. You're welcome.

Well, nice to meet you.

Bye. JESSE: Bye.

Bye. See you later.

Bye.

Bye. What was that?

Veronica.

Story? No story.

Just a girl I met a little while ago.

She's pretty. She looks like a young me.

Ahem. Excuse me. Hi.

Do you have any more copies of this book Shitegeist

for me to give to my friends? Because I heard ifs excellent.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

J' Oh, baby, you You got what I need H'

[BUZZING]

No, no. Just one second. Hey.

Just got out of the show. CELESTE: How was it?

Fucking dope. Hey, are you busy now?

No, I'm not busy. Can you help me build this dresser?

Okay. I can't do it alone.

All right, all right. Okay, bye. Jesse, I need you.

I gotta go home.

After the show, it's the after-party.

I know, but she's got an IKEA dresser she needs me to help her "build."

Oh, it's like that?

I told you, man, she just needed a little bit more time.

I got this. Oh, she's about to get it.

I'm in here. Fuck Sweden.

J' But you say he's just a friend J'J'

What up?

It's easier to build the Brooklyn Bridge. We got this. It's just a dresser.

Fucking fuck. Fuck me!

What, do they make a piece of furniture that's impossible to build on purpose

just to fuck with you?

Thank you.

Wait.

I've got it.

[Hi]

CELESTE: Perfect. JESSE: Fucking layup.

It's like Koons meets Basquiat meets...

Serra meets...

Corky from Life Goes On.

[LAUGHING]

He's a vegan, you know. Oh, cherish.

That is so cute. You're cute.

You're cute.

[LAUGHING]

[SNIFFS]

Hmm.

[KISSING]

Hey. What are you doing?

I love you.

Okay.

[SIGHS]

Oh.

That was a bad idea. So sorry.

No, don't be sorry. It was nice.

Jess.

Come on.

Drinking and the dresser and...

I think, you know... We're seeing other people.

Well, yeah, but just because...

Oh, God.

I'm an idiot.

I just thought-- You thought what?

Well, I wasn't clearly thinking, or else I wouldn't have let that happen.

You didn't think we were getting back together.

It's not like...

You know, there's a guy you can call at IKEA.

He'll build your dresser for you. You should call him.

Probably fuck you too.

Oh, Jess. I'm a fucking idiot.

Oh, Jess, come on. Jesse.

[Hi]

Jess?

Jess?

Hey, Jess, it's me. Uh...

I'm on my way to the airport, but I wanted to talk to you.

I don't know what happened last night.

Uh, I hope you're okay.

Okay, bye. Call me.

[Hi]

JESSE [ON RECORDING]: Hey, you've reached Jesse. Leave me a message.

CELESTE [ON RECORDING]: Hey, it's me again.

I'm in San Francisco. I'm going to Boston tomorrow.

And I miss you.

Call me. Okay. Bye.

I'm sorry.

Of course.

Stupid.

Hey, you're back. I wanna talk to you.

I know. I wanna talk to you too.

Where have you been? It's been like two weeks.

There's so much to lay down.

Pay-per-view porn is available in Cantonese now.

Really? Yeah .

I'm really near your house. Can I just come by? It's kind of important.

There's 68 colleges in Boston. Why were the kids in my group so dumb?

I mean, they were, like, barely making sense.

They were not speaking English. Hey. I really gotta tell you something.

Actually, me loo.

Wait. Are you gay?

Please tell me you're gay That'd be so funny.

No. Not gay. This is going to be hard to believe-

But you went on another date. I'm having a baby.

Huh?

I'm having a baby. What do you mean?

I'm having a child.

With another person?

Yes, with another person.

Wait, what?

Sorry. What...?

What the fuck? With who?

You met her, actually, the other day at the bookstore.

Oh.

But that's not even physically possible. That was two weeks ago.

Yeah. Heh. Uh...

Truth is, I slept with her like three months ago.

Oh.

Shit. Okay.

Well, I didn't know about that, but that's not important right now. Okay. Um...

What do you need me to do?

Oh, no. You don't have to do anything.

I really wanna make it work with her.

Excuse me one second.

[DEPARTING FOOTSTEPS]

[DOOR CREAKS OPEN]

[SNIFFLES]

[BELL CLANGS]

[WOMAN AND CLASS SPEAK IN HINDI]

[EXHALES]

Hello.

What? I said, hello.

Oh. Hi.

How's your practice? How's my practice?

It's fine. I'll get that mat for you.

Thanks. I see you here a lot.

You've got a great Warrior 2.

Your Chaturanga is, like, incredibly balanced.

I'm still working that position, but... Are you single?

Are you really doing this right now? You're really doing this.

I know. I'm gonna go for it. I don't do this. It's just happening. I'm gonna...

Gonna jump right in there. I'm jumping in.

Captain Conversation.

Do you--? Hey, I'm Paul. Put it there. Oh.

Celeste. Celeste.

That's a great name. So here's my card.

That's my number, e-mail. If you need to fax me--

You bring cards to yoga?

Hi. How are you? Come on in.

Great flow today.

I'm not good at this. Little help? Financial analyst. Cool.

Not really. It's not that cool. It's all right.

Did you tell me what you did for a living? No, I didn't.

Well, will you? I'd love to know.

I'm a trend forecaster. I forecast trends.

Trend forecaster. Yeah.

You serious? I thought you were fucking with me.

You traded in your Porsche for an Audi because you're afraid you'll lose your job.

You bought a Droid because it makes you seem business-oriented

unlike the iPhone, for teenage girls.

You go to yoga because you went to a sub-Ivy League school.

You spent the last 10 years working long hours.

You thought it was time to do something spiritual.

It was nice to meet you, Paul.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

He)'- He)'

Where were you on the New York call? Oh. I figured you could handle it.

Yeah. Well, anyway, the artwork came in from Berlin.

It's good, but it-- Breaking news.

Jesse is having a baby with some girl.

Whoa. Wow.

Did you even know he was seeing someone?

No, it's somebody he slept with once months ago.

Now he's gonna try to "make it work." Plane crash. Ha-ha.

I don't even know what to say.

I'm so sorry, Celeste. Are you okay?

Scott, I'm totally fine. Yes.

Are you? Yes.

I wasn't gonna have his baby, so good for him.

I'm not in love with him anymore. It makes it easier.

I have a date tonight, actually. Hmm. That's great.

Feel like it might be nice to go out and be admired.

I agree. Go be admired.

Who knows? You may actually simulate human emotion.

[Hi]

Thank you. Thank you.

My foot actually pronates

so my IT band is strained when I run, which is painful.

The foot specialist made me these orthotics.

They shape around my foot. They make it so much better.

I cannot explain how amazing it feels.

I'm one of those people who-- Oh, my God. Oh, my God. My ex is here.

Oh, we made eye contact.

I think it's-- It's okay. Maybe he didn't see me.

Nope, he saw me. He saw me. It's okay.

Oh. He's coming over here now. Know what? You should leave.

What? Yeah, you should go.

I'm not gonna leave. It would be better.

It's too late because he's here now. Hey.

Hey. How's it going? Good.

Thought I'd say hi. I'm Jesse. That's Mac.

Uh-- It's Max. Matt.

Nope, Max. Nice. Cool.

We're just eating. I'm on a date. We're on a dale. I'm dating.

Oh, cool. The puttanesca special is the bomb here.

Oh, good news. That's what I ordered. Nice. Cool.

Who are you here with?

Oh, I'm just rolling solo, watching the Lakers game.

It's Kobe-LeBron, right? JESSE: Yes.

MAX: So psyched. JESSE: Yeah, man, epic.

TiVo'd it. Nice. Cool.

Well, nice to meet you. MAX: Nice to meet you.

JESSE: C, good to see you. Have fun.

He's cool. Uh-huh.

Thank you. Thank you.

Are you okay? What? Oh, nothing.

Do you like bread?

Ah. That was great. Should we do it again?

Wednesday? Sushi? Um...

I don't think we should. Because of the mercury poisoning?

My acupuncturist said that's a myth. No. I think that...

I think you could use a little more time to get over your divorce.

I mean, look, it took me a long time to start dating after mine. I gel it.

Heh. I appreciate your concern, but I'm fine.

I guess you're just not a match for me, so...

Yeah. Well, um...

Have a good night.

Thanks. Okay. And, um, good luck.

Pfft. Whatever.

[ESG'S "MOODY" PLAYING]

J' Like this J'

J' He can make you feel I feel low J'

J' Feel anything like Like this J'J'

[PANTING] Hi, honey. Beth. Hi. Hi.

Wow, you're really out of breath. I'm sorry, did you fucking run here?

From your house? Yeah-

I started running. it's really fun. Okay, you're sopping in sweat.

Isn't that like 12 miles? Thirteen-point-six.

But it's good because it just, like, really gets my endorphins up.

It helps me clear my head.

[COUGHING]

The Riley account is a handful. I have been so swamped.

Good. I'm glad you've been so busy. Have you spoken to Jesse?

I actually ran into him, and I thought he was looking a little fat.

Really? I feel like when I saw him, he was looking kind of fit.

So you saw Jesse? Hmm. Yeah. Yeah, I have. I've seen him.

And you've hung out with what's-her-name?

Veronica? Yes, I have. Mm-hm.

Can I get a rush delivery on that? She's dumb, right?

No, she's not dumb. She's, um... She's simple.

WOMAN: Does 7 a.m. to 9 p.m. work as a window for you?

Simple means dumb, though.

No, actually. Simple in a really elegant way.

Elegant. Oh.

WOMAN: I think we're done here. Yeah, that window is fine.

I thought you would be happy for Jesse. Oh, no, I totally am.

I just didn't realize that Monica was elegant.

You know her name's Veronica. And honestly, honey, you'd really like her.

Okay, don't do that.

Are you having regrets about Jesse?

What? No. Not one. Mm.

Will you let me drive you home? I'm afraid you'll drown.

Okay. I actually have a date tonight. I should probably shower, right?

Yeah, I would. Yes, shower.

Who's the date? Rupert Bates.

Rupert Bates. The Gap model? Mm-hm.

Oh, my God. He's so hot. But he's like 11 years old.

He's actually 22.

Skillz set me up with him. He's gonna be a star.

He's filming 20,000 BC right now, which is the prequel to 10,000 BC.

Oh, fuck, I love that movie. I know.

J' A star fell from the sky J'

J' Look at you and I realize J'

J' it's the way your body moves J'

J' First time that I saw your face J'

J' You're like a little alien From outer space J'

J' I'm gonna follow you to the moon J'J'

Yay. That was so good.

I wrote it for my mom. Lucky lady.

Why do you wanna follow your mom to the moon?

She's the best. You'd love her. Yeah. I bet.

So how do you know Skillz?

Skillz provides me with the happy smoky green treats.

Awesome. I'm sorry, but you are just...

Oh. Oh. Hello, special one.

Mm. No. Ahem.

This is crazy, but I just totally forgot I left a candle burning at my house.

I have to go. No, of course.

I'm so sorry.

I'll send you a copy of the song when it's done.

[DOOR OPENS]

Oh. My hair is so dry. It looks like straw.

Here, do you want an Adderall? No, that shit makes me feel like a robot.

Speaking of robot, who designed this place?

I feel like Spock is about to walk around the corner.

Hi, Riley. I'm Celeste. I'm a partner at Pop Form.

I just wanted to introduce myself.

Wow. You're kind of pretty.

Thank you. I'm just gonna sneak in here.

Why am I breaking out? Too much sugar, coffee, alcohol. Oh.

Mm. I think it's my new skin regime. Yeah.

It's, uh, "regimen."

What?

A regime is a system of government. The word is-- The word's "regimen."

Oh. Thanks, Scrabble. It was really nice to meet you.

In thinking about your brand, we wanted a sense of where you currently exist.

We set up a number of focus groups.

You test really high in the Midwest, which is wonderful.

We'll be rolling those out to a few different cities.

Celeste has come up with a number of ideas for logos, which are looking great.

Celeste, you wanna...? Yes. Yes. Here.

Our first round is based heavily

on a kind of hip-hop, retro, throwback, industrial flair.

The one I was talking to my girl Savannah about.

CELESTE: Really trying to get the urban flavor in there for the tweens.

Do you guys have any snacks?

Like sushi?

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Hello, special one. Ugh.

Sounds so awful. It was so awful.

I mean, where are the guys who don't wear makeup for a living?

How about a little intellect? Intellect never hurt anybody.

Wait. You never met Nick, right? Nick?

Nick Moran. The photographer?

No. You know him? Yeah, we went to school together.

[IN SINGSONG VOICE] This could be perfect.

[IN SINGSONG VOICE] I'm uncomfortable with dating, and I don't really like any of it.

Trust me, you will like him.

And also, I love cock.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] You gotta work a little harder to integrate the gayness, Scott.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Yeah.

Good night. Night.

I'll hook that up tomorrow. Great.

J' Yeah Let's get 'em II

Oh! Nailed it. Way to go, Becky.

Go, team, right? Yeah!

What the fuck is a BabyBjorrn? It's a very, very tiny Swedish man.

A child carrier that allows the baby to benefit from intimacy

without the confinement of a stroller.

How do you know that? Beth.

Yeah, we go to a lot of baby showers.

I put a lot of babies in the ladies.

How's Celeste? Who?

Celeste. She's all right.

I'm kind of fine-tuning her cannabis levels right now, but she's okay.

She doesn't smoke weed. She does now. She loves that shit.

Fucking Snoop Dogg.

[CHEERING]

Birthing towel, breast pump, Diaper Genie? Fuck.

I'm seriously having a baby. You'll do great, man.

Hey, Skillz. Who's your buddy?

I thought he was your friend.

Really? Not with me

I don't know him.

[CELESTE LAUGHS]

I waited like 21 hours, three of them soaked in my own pee.

Oh, my God. But I finally got the shot of Gaddafi.

My God, I've totally seen this one.

You've seen it? Yeah.

I'm such a big fan. That's so cool. Thank you.

I feel like he's kind of smiling. He is.

I mean, I think the piss stain running down my jeans made him laugh.

Seriously, I was soaked.

The world will think you're brilliant. I'll be the only one who knows.

What? Oh.

We missed our reservation for 8:30. Oh, no.

You want me to call down, see if they can still take us?

Should I just, like...?

You guys still take us for like 9, 9:15?

I don't think anybody-- Is that cool?

You can't do that? You can.

I just don't think anybody will hear you.

You know what? I actually would be cool--

Let's just get room service.

Room service? Yeah.

Okay. I could do room service.

Cool. That sounds good. I like that.

I'm so happy this worked out. It's so nice to meet you.

J' Baby, you're the sweetest thing I know J'

J' Your warmth and kindness J'

Can't remember the last time I felt like this.

Yes.

J' Talking about the way you carry yourself I

J' That makes me know I don'! need nobody else J'

What are you doing? What do you think I'm doing?

No, no, no. Don't do that. Things were going so well.

Shh. I want you to watch me. There's no watching.

I'm almost there. Where? Don't. No. I can't--

Almost there. Um... Ooh.

Yeah, come on. That's it.

Move. Yeah, it's coming.

Here it comes. Here it comes.

[GRUNTS THEN YELLS]

[Hi]

[PHONE BUZZING]

JESSE [ON RECORDING]: Hey. So I'm glad we can meet up.

There's this place by me, Vegan Vittles on Elysian Way. Call me if you get lost.

What the fuck is a vegan vittle?

Just tell her to be here tomorrow.

Hey. Sorry, one second.

Just have to send this e-mail.

There. Hi.

Hi. What's up? Ugh. A lot.

Can I get some coffee, please? We have yerba maté.

Oh. Um... Green tea? We have decaf green tea.

I'll just get some water. Okay. Anything for you?

I'd like the veganchilada, please. WAITRESS: Sure.

Cashew-cheese sauce on the side. WAITRESS: Yeah.

I'd like to take a look at your seaweed menu.

Yeah. There you go.

No, I'm good, thanks. Oh. Awesome. Baltic kelp.

WAITRESS: Yep. Ha-ha. I'll have that. Thank you.

[BOTH SPEAK IN HINDI]

Wow. You look good.

Thanks. You look good too.

Oh. I've been doing a lot of Pilates.

Really? Yeah. Veronica's a dancer.

She has all this equipment at her house, so I've just been getting into it.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Well, I know all this has been really weird.

It's only weird if you think it's weird.

Okay.

There's apparently a holdup on the divorce papers on your end,

and Veronica's actually not a citizen, so--

What? Where's she from? Belgium.

Oh. Belgium. Elegant.

What? Nothing.

Point is, we need to get married,

and I'm really sorry to bug you, but I really need you to sign those papers.

Uh-huh. Heh.

Okay, Jesse.

Well, I've been busy with work, because some of us work for a living

so I'm sorry I haven't had time to focus on helping you get on with your new life.

I know. I'm sorry.

What makes you think you're suitable to be a dad, even?

We never talked about kids. You had reservations about kids.

I had reservations about kids with you. Yeah, well, ditto.

I think Veronica's gonna be an amazing mother.

Low blow.

I'll sign the papers.

You're ridiculous. This place is ridiculous.

Fucking cashew-vegan-kelp bullshit.

Jesse's a fucking vegan?

Yeah, a vegan whose work is being shown.

At the Gagosian. At the Gagos--?

What? Yep.

How does anybody even know about his art--?

Know what? I don't wanna know anything.

My God, he's on fire right now.

Breaking up with me was the best thing he ever did.

I should break up with me. Oh, stop.

Somebody else's success does not mean your demise.

Except for Jesse's.

What are you guys dressed as again? BOTH: Bieber.

Ooh. He just got a buzz cut. What? Fuck!

Shut up. When?

Like two hours ago. It was on Perez.

Goddamn it. His hair was everything.

He's really talented.

What's with the costume parties in the middle of the summer? Hot.

[Hi]

I need to fucking drink.

Car bombs in the fucking kitchen. CELESTE: Yes.

No. Yes, I'm doing that. Yes.

You wanna wait a little bit?

I say "car," you say "bomb." Car! Bomb!

Three, two, one, drink!

MAN 1: Three, two, one. She lost. MAN 2: Come on.

MAN 1: She lost. MAN 2: That's pretty good for--

MAN 1: No, don't be nice. Hey. Ugh.

What even are you supposed to be?

MAN 2: Yeah. What? Oh, white trash.

What is that? White trash.

White "shrash"? Shrash? White trash.

It's white trash.

Celeste. Yoga.

I haven't seen you there in a while. I know. I've been running a lot.

It really helps you keep in better shape. I can see that's important to you.

Mm. How's your practice?

That's funny. White trash?

Mm-hm. What are you? I'm a cereal killer, obviously.

[CHUCKLES]

Hey, you were right.

What do you mean? You were right about me.

The car, the phone,

the yoga.

Except I went to an Ivy League school. I went to Cornell.

Congratulations. Thanks, man.

That's barely an Ivy. PAUL: I know.

Barely.

Do you smoke? At parties.

Let's go. Me too.

[PAUL AND CELESTE LAUGHING]

I'm sorry for that day at the studio. I just feel really open after yoga.

Shh. Don't say "open." No.

Your costume is so great. You're gonna ruin it.

I'm kidding. You know why I go to yoga?

I go to yoga to meet girls.

I believe that. You do?

Yeah. Heh.

Speaking of, what's the deal with you and me? I mean, are we...?

Is it happening or what? Um...

Well, the deal with you and me

is that my husband of six years wants a divorce

because he wants to marry the woman who's carrying his child.

That's the deal with you and me.

Sounds tough.

He barely knows her.

He's just lost,

and he's just going about everything so wrong.

And you're right.

Now what?

[MR. LITTLE JEANS' "RESCUE SONG (RAC REMIX)" PLAYING]

What does that mean?

I mean, do you wanna be right, or do you wanna be happy?

Okay, listen, Yoga, I don't wanna be right. I know I'm right, okay?

People will let you down. I have accepted that fact.

But knowing that,

makes it impossible to be happy.

But at least it's fucking real.

No one has ever given a more self-righteous monologue

wearing a trash bag. CELESTE: Shut up.

Oh, whoa. Okay, drunkie, let's go home.

Paul. Justin Bieber.

PAUL: Justin Bieber. Hi.

BETH: Justin Bieber too. Hi.

Just kidding. Beth.

You want another drink? Two.

One drink. One drink.

J' I'm gonna rescue you So you can rescue me too J'

J' Make it a rendezvous J'

J' I got my best dress on J'

J' And you've a smile and a bruise J'

I So come and rescue me And me you J'J'

[CELESTE SIGHS]

JESSE [ON RECORDING]: Hey, you've reached Jesse. Leave me a message.

CELESTE: Hey, I still have a bunch of your shit. I'm just gonna drop it off. Okay.

[J'J'J']

[SIGHS]

You're gonna be a really good dad.

What made you say that?

Um... I don't know. I just know it.

Well, that's an extravagant purchase for a freelance artist and his Belgian bride.

[SIGHS]

Oh. Shit.

Shit, shit, shit.

I just realized I don't know your middle name.

Um... It's, um, Godelieve. Goldleaf?

No, Godelieve. It means “loved by the gods."

It's Dutch.

Pretty. Thanks.

What's yours? Ha-ha-ha. Mordechai.

Okay. What does it mean?

It means I'm very, very Jewish. Right.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

JESSE: Celeste?

Hey.

Hey. What are you doing here?

Um, I just was dropping off some of your stuff.

Why were you in the trash can?

I lost something.

In the trash? Yeah.

It was my bracelet, but I got it back. So it's-- I'm fine.

Oh, you remember Veronica.

Yes. Hi. Wow, you're so pregnant. Oh, my God.

Yeah. I love your sweater.

Oh, thank you. Good compliment.

I'm gonna go, because I'm late for something, so--

Sure you don't wanna come in for tea?

No, no, you guys have a good afternight. I'm gonna--

Is that mine?

What? Oh. Yeah, I don't know how I got-

I'm so glad we did this. Bye, you guys. Okay.

[DOORBELL RINGS THEN KNOCK ON DOOR]

Step out of the shadows, girl, and into the light.

Chips are gonna fall, you know? No need to trip.

What are they like together? Who?

[SHABAZZ PALACES' "RECOLLECTIONS OF THE WRAITH" PLAYING OVER STEREO]

Oh, Jesse and Veronica? Yeah.

They're okay, you know?

He's trying, but it's not all rainbows and unicorns over there, you know?

So they're not happy? No, I didn't say that.

Listen, he's my friend, you know,

and I love him, but you're my friend too, you know?

And if you ever need, like, any kind of special friendship,

you know, like, just someone to be with you and hold you

and caress you and be good to you in ways that maybe guys aren't,

I think I could be that guy.

No. Good. Good, good. Uh...

CELESTE: So where do you live?

PAUL: I'm in Westwood, in a condo.

CELESTE: Cool. PAUL: You're gonna love this place.

Never been so relaxed in your life.

Oh... PAUL: There you go.

CELESTE: This is a very unique place to take a date.

Yeah, Hake all my dates here.

Oh, I feel so special. You are.

Right, Nana?

They all are.

How's being right going for you?

[GRUNTING] Oh, you know, not that well, really.

I was on a real winning streak. That's why I called you.

You know what? I'm happy you did.

Why would you take me to a place where Asian people beat you up?

But how do you feel? I feel... l feel really good, actually.

So shut up, then.

What are we doing now? Don't try to control everything.

You need to let go. In yoga, we call it vairagya.

Don't with the yoga.

MATT: Yo. PAUL: What's up.

What's going on? How you doing?

Hey, this is Celeste. Celeste, what's up? Matt.

[PAUL SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

Is Louis here? Yeah? Good crowd?

Good crowd? Like your grandma? Where are we?

What is this?

PAUL: This is her first time here.

Check it out.

[LIVELY LATIN MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

Oh, my God.

Wow. This place is really cool. You sound surprised.

I am surprised. You live in Westwood.

[CELESTE LAUGHS]

What do you want to drink? Uh-- Beer?

Yeah. CELESTE: Yeah?

PAUL: How you doing, man?

Hi, sweetheart. Can I get two beers?

Don't burn yourself. Jesus.

Thank you. Thanks.

Cheers. Cheers.

This is quite a spot.

Uh-oh. Oh, no.

You like to dance? Yeah. Guess you do too.

You're good. Oh, you're good.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Whoo.

[LAUGHING]

Whoo.

What was that for?

Vairagya, bro. Don't try to control everything.

I really like the logo. Oh, good. Yeah, I think it's perfect.

Yeah, the Keith Haring influence is pretty cool.

Yeah, there is a little bit of that going on. Wow.

Are you mocking me? No, I just, uh--

I'm impressed that you know about art.

Why? Because I'm a pop star or because I was homeschooled?

Whatever. Do you know what your problem is?

Contempt prior to investigation. I'm sorry?

You think you're smarter than everybody, and that is your dark little prison.

Nice shoes.

CELESTE: Dark little prison?

You don't know my life. You don't know me.

You know what's a dark little prison is having to wear midriffs for a living.

That's a dark little prison. Give me a break.

That's what I'm talking about.

[Hi]

What the fuck?

I started smoking again. Yeah, I can see that.

I don't know what the rules are, and I'm sure I'm breaking them,

but I really miss you.

[Hi]

Do you wanna come in?

Veronica's actually pretty good friends with the assistant gallerist there,

and he really liked my stuff, so...

I don't know, we'll see. Jess, that's so great.

I'm so happy for you. Yeah.

Yeah, it's great.

Whoo.

I should probably get home. Yeah.

It's really nice to see you.

You should go.

Can't we just lie here a little bit?

Can't believe I'm having a baby and it's not with you.

[PHONE BUZZING]

Yeah?

SCOTT [OVER PHONE]: Hey, we have a massive problem on our hands.

CELESTE: I don't, uh-- I don't see anything.

Hmm? It's a penis and a butt.

Really? No, I don't-- I don't see it.

SCOTT: There's a penis, and there's the penis going into the butt.

Oh... Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, it's a cock- it's a cock-- It's a cock in a butt.

Oh, my Go--.

Oh, my God. That's really bad.

This isn't a joke, Celeste.

There's homosexual butt sex in the logo.

Does Riley think we're stupid? I mean, who are these sick people?

Neither Riley nor a representative from Pop Form,

the marketing company responsible, could be reached-

[Hi]

[Hi]

There you go.

Let me know if you need anything else. Thanks.

He!'- He)'

Thanks for meeting me here.

I don't know what I'm wearing.

You kind of look like a crazy cat lady. Yeah.

I just can't buy anything nice, because they'll just ruin it, you know?

No, let me just say something, okay? Look, Celeste-?

I don't know what's going on in your other situation,

but for the record, I fucked up.

I was cavalier with you, and I took us for granted.

And I know this sounds crazy, but I would be remiss if I didn'ljust--

If you were open to it, I feel like I could do better,

with you, with us.

And if there is still a chance, I'd love to know.

Jesse.

I'm sorry.

I can't.

[DOOR OPENS THEN CLOSES]

CELESTE: Hey.

Hey. Why'd you come over last night?

I don't know. No, I think you do know.

It was a mistake. I shouldn't have come. You fucking coward.

I'm having a baby.

I need to figure out a way to make it work with Veronica.

I'm trying to change. Why didn't you change for me?

I don't think you really wanted me to.

Wow. Wow.

All I did was wait for you to grow up.

I rooted for you. I fucking paid for everything.

I did everything for you. Yeah, and I was never your equal.

I think you preferred it that way.

Wait. Wail. I know that my success was never okay for you.

What do you want? I want you to admit that you're wrong.

Wrong about what?

What did you expect me to do, wait for you to meet someone first?

Is that how you saw it happening?

Look, I didn't expect to meet someone so fast, but I did.

I have a real chance of being happy. I don't wanna blow that.

Well, you know what, Jesse? You definitely will blow it.

Wow.

You know, I feel sorry for you.

You might actually be alone your whole life.

Don't ever call me. Yeah, don't worry about it.

[Hi]

No, no, no.

No, no.

Okay.

Thank you.

[WILLIAM BELL'S "LOVE WILL FIND A WAY" PLAYING]

CELESTE: Ugh. He's so sad. SKILLZ: Totally.

Wait. Hmm?

No. He's painting little rabbits. He's so happy.

He's so sad. I know. I went to art camp.

Oh, word?

Fuck.

All right.

If that's how it's going down, that's how ifs going down right now.

[BUBBLING]

Hit it. Go get it.

J' Believe me when I say J'J'

[COUGHS]

That's the best thing that's happened to me in months.

Shit will get better.

Will it? You don't know that.

I can't believe he did this to me. Who? J?

He didn't do nothing. You wanted a divorce.

Yeah, but I didn't want it like this.

When we're no longer able to change a situation,

we're challenged to change ourselves.

Huh? Hmm. Viktor Frankl.

Or Biggie Smalls. It might be Biggie Smalls.

I don't know. I don't remember.

Fuck, man. I am fucking high. Are you high?

I'm so high. All right, I gotta go.

Can I come? No.

Can you get me some Del Taco? No.

Do you think the Obamas really love each other?

Yeah. Yeah, I really do.

No more questions.

Take it easy on that shit. It is not for kids.

Ow.

J' Isee you in a lonely place J'

J' How can you be so blind You're still regretting J'

[BELCHES]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[WOMAN LAUGHS]

Hey.

Hi, honey. Hi.

You remember Eileen. You have more ranch dressing?

It's the fucking bomb. Did you finish--?

Beth is getting married.

I was married once. You remember? These guys are in for a fucking dogfight.

Let's go get you a soda. A dogfight.

You're a dogfight.

I don't wanna be alone forever.

Oh, honey. You're not gonna be alone forever.

You're just in a time-out till you sober up.

I'm gonna sit here. I'm not gonna embarrass you, okay?

Okay- Okay'

J' Are you expecting to find the love J'

J' Love that's right J'

J' Darling, open your eyes Let me show you the light J'

SKILLZ: We should get Nick Nolte out of here, huh?

J' Find love that's right H'

CELESTE: Hey, Riley. I am calling to talk to you

about the error in your logo.

I'm so, so sorry.

And I just wanna let you know that I am on top of it.

Please call me back. Thank you.

Do you feel like the dress I'm wearing reads more like eggshell or rose petal?

Rose petal's okay. Eggshell is too whitish to do two days in a row.

You look great. Honey, I need your help.

I have like an hour, and you owe me

because you humped my nana yesterday.

The fuck does Riley Banks know?

Uh-- Nothing. She's a tart.

Yes, she's a tart. She's got a cute little hot bod.

Ew. She's moderately talented.

Not even. Five years and it's a wrap on that face.

If. Three, four.

Why is she telling me anything about my life?

She's a stupid litt-

What? Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

I never hung up. I didn't hang up the call.

RILEY [OVER PHONE]: J' Over here and under there J'J'

Crap.

[UPBEAT POP SONG PLAYING OVER PHONE]

You gotta get it.

Hey, Riley, what's up?

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

Hi. Um...

Listen, I-- This is a really nice place.

The thing is, I've been having a hard time in my own life.

So when you said that thing about contempt and investigation--

Can you just shut up for a minute?

I just found out that my boyfriend cheated on me.

Oh.

Oh, God, I'm so sorry. I didn't even know you had a boyfriend.

Yeah, exactly. Nobody knew.

He didn't want anyone to know, because it would be bad for his image and...

He's just such a fucking asshole.

Now my career might be over because you decided to put a penis in my logo.

Thank you for that. I know. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Come here.

Why? Come here. Just come here. It's okay.

It's okay. It's okay.

I'm just so sad. And tired.

And now I'm gonna be alone like you.

Okay, you don't know what you're saying right now. It's okay.

[CROWD SHOUTING OVER TV]

[MAN TALKING IN GERMAN OVER TV]

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

Are you crying about sports?

Just reminds me of someone.

Is this about a girl?

I'm not gay. No, I know. I meant a boy.

Yeah.

Do you miss him?

Yeah, I do.

They all fucking suck.

Kind of.

It really never gets better? Like, not even when you're old?

No.

But you do.

[SUNNY LEVINE'S "NO OTHER PLANS" PLAYING]

Can we hug again? Yeah.

I won't, no. Crap.

No, no, no. I'm at the airport.

Beth, I'm sitting at the gate.

Of course I have my dress.

Hi, sir. I'm so sorry to bother you, but is there any way I could cut in line?

I'm the maid of honor at this wedding. Hi. I'm sorry to bother you.

Maybe you heard me talking to the last gentleman, but I need to get my dress.

J' It hasn't always Moved at that pace J'

J' The records don't match the tapes J'

J' Somebody holler if I make my case J'

J' Sure it's just a matter of taste J'

J' Nobody's saying nothing at all J'

J' Baby Why don't you break down the walls J'

J' A little something to brace the fall J'

J' Somebody help me place my call J'

J' I know you think You need the change J'

J' Otherwise you feel out of place J'

J' A little something to brace the fall J'

J' Somebody help me place my call J'

J' I'll be for free J'

J' I'll make no other plans J'J'

[GUESTS LAUGHING & CHATTERING]

She pursued her love Of Spanish men

But missed her Tucker More than just a friend

[WOMEN GIGGLING]

Our princess returned home To her loving prince

And they've been together Ever since

ALL: We love you, Bethy.

[CROWD APPLAUDING]

Now we're gonna turn it over to Celeste,

Beth's best friend in the world.

[CROWD APPLAUDING]

Wow. Oh. That-- Thanks, girls.

That was... There are no words for what that was.

Um... Ahem.

How do you get a nun pregnant? You fuck her.

[MAN LAUGHING]

Thank you, Reverend. Appreciate it a lot.

It is not easy to get to Rhode Island from Los Angeles.

There was a cab to a plane to a cab to a train to a rental car.

There was maybe a rickshaw in there somewhere.

[SCATTERED LAUGHTER]

Maybe a donkey. Heh-heh.

But the truth is,

I would go anywhere for Beth

because she's my best friend and I love her so much,

and I'm so happy for her.

When we were in college, senior year we had this tradition.

Beth and Tucker and me and Jesse would meet,

come rain or shine, every Sunday at the Bishop.

And there was always something there with these two,

even though they were just friends.

Just, like, an ease that they had with each other.

They are perfect.

At last, love wins.

[CROWD APPLAUDING]

[MIC FEEDBACKS]

Beth and Tucker,

you guys are lucky, so lucky to be best friends.

Work hard at that.

And respect that.

Um... Be patient.

And, uh...

you don't always have to be right.

Even if you are,

doesn't fucking matter anyway.

Fight for it every day.

I wish I had.

Cheers.

[CROWD APPLAUDING]

[UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]

This might not be the best time to talk about it,

but at some point we're gonna have to address Tucker's dance moves.

CELESTE: Wow. Heh.

He's so special.

So your speech was, uh...

beautiful?

Thank you.

I meant it.

I know.

You know what else is beautiful?

Oh, no. Oh, yes.

Do we dare? We do.

Here, in front of everyone? Of course.

All right, maybe just once. Oh, my God.

Talk to me. Oh, yeah. Oh, God.

Pointy tip, thick stem.

You're a bad boy. You're a grower.

You have graduated and moved on to an adult life.

Oh, God. Oh, no. Oh, God. Oh, no.

I'm a baby corn. I'm not a big corn. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, God. Oh.

Oh, dude, it's so rotten.

Hey.

Hey. What are you guys doing?

Oh, nothing. Just... It's this thing that Jesse and I do.

We take this thing that resembles, like, a tiny little penis,

and then we, like: Ah...

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

I don't really get it. CELESTE: It's stupid.

It's stupid. They're about to serve dinner.

JESSE: Okay. Wanna sit down?

JESSE: Yeah, yeah.

See you on the dance floor, Celeste? Yeah.

BETH: Do it, do it, do it.

[BETH LAUGHS]

TUCKER: I love you, baby. BETH: I love you, baby.

[DONNIE AND JOE EMERSON'S "BABY" PLAYING]

J' Ooh, ooh, baby J'

J' When we're out in the moonlight J'

J' L0okin' up on the stars above Oh, baby J'

J' Yes, oh, baby J'

J' Yes, oh, baby J'

J' Yes, oh, baby J'

J' Sandy beach, I was makin' love J'

J' As a tide moves in on us J'

J' Feels so good walking side by side J'

J' Wanna be with you all my life J'

J' Oh, oh, baby J'

J' Yes, oh, baby J'

J' Yes, oh, baby J'

J' Yes, oh, baby J'

J' Yes, oh, baby N'

[LIVELY DANCE MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

RILEY: It sounds like the most embarrassing speech ever.

How are you gonna show your face again?

Yeah, well, weirdly, I'm happy that I did it. I feel better somehow.

This song is my bitch! Yeah!

Wow. The gays really know how to party, huh?

What do you mean?

This is a gay club.

It's opening night. It doesn't know what it is yet.

Riley, the club is called Swallow. I totally dated that guy.

Excuse me. Could you tell your friend Riley that we worship her?

She's so pretty.

Sure. I'll tell her when she's done dancing.

[BOTH LAUGH]

You are aware that the logo is a...? A dick in a butt? Yeah.

All of our friends are, like, rocking it. It's kind of become like gay Izod.

MAN [IN SINGSONG VOICE]: It's amazing.

[WHOOPS]

[BLO'S "IT'S GONNA BE A GOOD DAY" PLAYING]

[PHONE RINGING]

Yo. CELESTE: The tweens

don't want her anymore Scott, but the gays do.

You're gay. Start thinking gay. Ten percent of Americans are gay.

Gay Izod. It's great.

She could be Lady Gaga by this time next year. Huge market.

Wow. You might have turned the cock in the butt around.

Cock in the butt is gonna be huge.

J' I woke up this morning J'

Hi.

Thirty-eight points for me, plus 50 points for using all my tiles.

Wait, wait, wait. "Zooecia"? PAUL: Yeah.

No, that's not a word. That's my hoochie cousin's name.

J' I was so happy It's gonna be a good day H'

So I was at this club the other night, and there was a lranny dressed like me.

Oh, my God, that's so sweet. I know.

That's a huge compliment. He was so hot too.

Wow. That is so sweet. Ha-ha-ha. I mean, it was still me.

Celeste. Rupert.

You never called me back.

You know, I think I lost my...

Do you know Riley? This is Rupert. Hi. I'm actually a big fan.

Likewise.

Ahem. Get in there. Get in there.

[BOYZ ll MEN'S "DOWN ON BENDED KNEE" PLAYING]

[SOFTLY] J' Darling, I I can't explain J'

Very gentle.

[LOUDER] J' Where did we lose our way J'

Help me out here.

J' Girl, it's driving me insane J'

J' And I know I just need One more chance J'

J' To prove my love to you J'

J' And if you come back to me J'

J' I'll guarantee I'll never let you go J'

J' Can we go back to the days Our love was strong J'J'

All right, both of us.

I can't do it.

This. I'm sorry.

What do you mean? Are you serious? Why?

I, uh... Ahem.

I think I need to be alone.

I'm getting a divorce. I know you're getting divorced.

I know, but I think I have to do that alone.

Yeah.

I respect that.

You're not ready till you're ready. Don't force it.

That's some yoga shit.

But I like you.

So when you're ready, if you're ready, you call me.

Okay?

[Hi]

WOMAN: And sign here and here.

There? Yeah. Mm-hm.

And initial here, sign here.

And...

Here, sign, and here. I like that tie.

Oh, thanks.

Is it made out of organic mung beans?

No, actually, I found it digging through your trash.

[CELESTE AND JESSE LAUGHING]

[Hi]

[JESSE SIGHS]

Well, we're divorced.

Yep.

We did it.

[BOTH LAUGH]

We nailed that divorce.

[BOTH SIGH]

What are you doing right now?

Cantonese voices. No respect for when their mouths are actually open.

Oh, my God. I don't think I could focus on it.

You couldn't. It's not sexy, but ifs damn funny.

[JESSE CHUCKLES]

It's beautiful.

I thought you hated it.

Never seen it at night.

[SIGHS]

Hey.

I know we just got divorced, but nobody died, right?

I don't know. It's just...

I was just thinking about how...

you were right.

I don't know what I'm doing.

Do you love her?

Then it's worth fighting for.

[Hi]

Okay.

Now I know why you fucking cry all the lime.

This shit's emotional. I've been trying to tell you.

You deserve to be happy.

And I want that for you. Always.

Me too.

I love you.

I love you loo.

It's late. I'm gonna walk you to your car. You probably should.

I should. I don't want you to get mugged by someone from the philharmonic.

Good idea.

[FREDDIE SCO'l'l"S "(YOU) GOT WHAT I NEED" PLAYING]

PAUL [ON RECORDING]: Hey, you've reached Paul. Leave a message.

Hey.

You're probably giving your card to some girl in yoga right now

but if that doesn't work out for you,

I think I'm ready...

to beat you in Scrabble.

Okay.

J' In a world of salty tears J'

J' So afraid and so full of fears So glad you saved me, dear J'

CELESTE: Hi.

J' Save me, deem'

Excuse me, sir? Yeah?

Never mind.

I'm so sorry for cutting.

My dog's in the car and he's really thirsty, so thanks.

No problem.

Hi.

J' That you'll never ever go away J'

J' 'Cause you Oh, you got what I need, little girl J'

J' You got everything I need You're like medicine to me I

J' Oh baby Huh I

J' You got it J'

J' I was drowning in the sea of love Going down for the third time J'

J' You came and saved me, dear J'

J' Saved me dear J'

J' All the sweet things You've been doin' J'

J' I ain't never been used to them Don't ever stop them, dear I

J' Stop 'em dear J'

J' Oh, I'm thankful every day J'

J' That you came my way J'

J' And I'm gonna make sure That you never ever go away I

J' 'Cause you Oh, you got what I need, little girl J'

J' Everything I need Oh, yeah I

J' Medicine to me Oh, baby I

J' Oh You got what I need little girl I

J' Oh, well Oh J'

J' You got it, you got it You got it, you got it J'

J' Baby you got it Got it, got it, got it J'

J' Oh, you Oh, you got what I need, little girl J'

J' You got everything I need You're like medicine to me I

: on, baby :

J' Got to, got to, got to, got to Tell you baby J'

J' You You got what I need I

J' Oh, You got everything I need J'

J' You're like medicine to me Oh, baby I

J' You got it Oh, you got it, got it J'

J' Got what I need, little girl J'

J' You got everything I need J'

J' You're like medicine to me N'

[SUNNY LEVINE FEAT. ORELIA'S "AS FOR TONIGHT" PLAYING]

J' Worfd away, Pulls me close enough J'

J' Something tactile To keep us all in touch J'

J' Hung perfect space A design of mistakes J'

J' Colorized Disguising our lives J'

J' As for tonight J'

J' We just whiled away the hours J'

J' As for tonight J'

J' We just whiled away the hours J'J'

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