Original subtitles

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♪

Suppose you're wondering how a man gets buried alive in the desert.

Well, it wasn't my choice, I can assure you that.

Like most stories of this nature,

it all started in a bar.

♪ Pork and beans in my tum, yum, yum ♪

Get off the stage, you--

♪ Heck, I'm gonna get me some mo-o-ore ♪

♪ Pork and beans...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Frank, Frank, calm down.

Now, we don't want any trouble in here.

I ain't here to make trouble, Margaret. I'm here to drink.

How about I get you the usual, then?

Damn straight, the usual.

I'm gonna get it right now.

Excuse me, sir. Sorry.

Um... I'm sure it was a mistake,

but I think you accidentally shot the neck of my guitar.

Now, Dalton, I think you should just let this one go.

Meet me outside...

and I'll pay you for the guitar.

Sir, thank you. I appreciate your understanding of the situation.

Now, come on.

Dalton...

What?

Why is there so many people out here watching you pay me, I wonder.

Weird.

So, how much is that guitar worth to you?

Well, um... Let's see.

The whole guitar is not broken and...

it's just the neck here and I guess these strings are shot, of course, but...

Well, I'm not gonna put that on you 'cause,

you know, strings probably only had a month left in 'em, anyway.

Whereas, this tuning peg is a little bent, but--

Go ahead and draw, boy.

- I'm sorry? - Draw!

Frank, come on. Leave him alone.

- What am I drawing? - Your gun.

I don't have a gun.

I just got the broken guitar.

You don't have a gun?

I don't. Just--

Well, here. I'm a fair man.

Take mine.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, hey, it's a gun.

Now, go ahead and draw.

Whoa!

Ow...

Holy shit.

Yep. I've shot a man.

All started going downhill from there.

♪

Excuse me, Deputy. Exactly how long do I have to be in this cell?

'Cause, you know, the whole thing was an accident and a misunderstanding.

Now, you listen. I understand this was an accident.

Don't get your knickers in a twist.

Is there any way I can get something to eat?

Oh, uh...

Hey, there, Deputy.

What can I do you for?

Well, I got a bit of bad news.

We found Sheriff Marshall and all the other deputies shot dead out in the desert.

- What? Oh no! - Yeah.

It looks like they were ambushed by outlaws.

Shit. You gotta be kidding me.

No, as funny as that is, I'm not.

Oh, man!

That's the guy that killed Crazy Ass Frank, ain't it?

Doggie!

I killed him accidentally. I didn't mean to kill him.

That was a... It was a big accident.

Wait, wait, wait. What do you mean it was an accident?

I didn't try to k... It was an ac...

He owed me money, he threw me a gun and--

It's okay, it's okay. We're on the same team.

It was an "accident".

We get it, okay? You killed him. He's a bad guy.

Look, I got a crazy idea.

What's that?

Technically, you're Sheriff now, right?

I guess.

Well, you could let him out

and he could accidentally

go kill more outlaws.

No, I cannot. I don't--

Oh, lookie here.

I have accidentally opened the front door.

And I'm pointing you right towards outlaw territory.

What in the...

H... Uh...

Hey, uh...

Hey, there. Um...

Not sure you speak English. Do you know where

Dildorado is?

Me speak English. But me speaking to land, right now.

To land?

Yeah. Land have much to say.

- Really? - Did you hear that?

No.

Land said something funny about you.

- Like what? - It don't matter.

- Well, what is it? - Oh, cactus stop!

Him right here.

What does he say about me?

I know he can't hear you.

Why you need to go to Dildorado?

I'm just uh... Man, I gotta get something to eat,

fix my guitar, just a couple errands.

Land telling me, me should go with you on your journey.

Now, why would land say that?

Me not know. Me know me should listen to land.

Well if you want to. I mean--

Yeah, me need to come with you.

Okay. I'm Dalton.

What's your name?

How. Me Acondo.

How! Good to meet you, Acondo.

This Khan. Him have gray hair.

Whoo! Yeah! Woohoo!

Whoo woohoo!

Come on, my boy. Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up.

You deserve better.

Who the hell are you?

Him need to show you respect.

- Shut up! - Acondo, let's get out of-- - You should not take that from him.

Horse, if you don't giddy-up right now,

I'm gonna blow your damn brains out.

You really should treat your horse better.

Damn you. Damn you.

Aaah!

Dagnammit, you just killed Stinky Pinky.

Hey, everybody, that man killed Stinky Pinky.

Stinky Pinky's dead.

No, no, listen. I didn't kill this man. I didn't--

You are our hero, sir.

- I'm not a hero. - Bona fide hero.

We got ourselves a hero.

Guys, you ain't listening to me. I didn't touch this man. I didn't--

Say, what's your name?

My name is Dalton.

- What? - Hey, everybody.

Everybody, come over here. Here is Dalton.

- But I-- - Look at yourself.

- You're a hero. - That's you in the paper.

I made the paper.

Hold it right there, Stinky Pinky.

Put your hands where I can see them.

Stinky Pinky's dead, Sheriff. Dalton there, killed him.

Where were you?

I'll tell you where I wasn't.

Around the corner, watching.

Scared, like a little girl.

Sheriff, let me explain.

You're my hero, Dalton.

- Why would I be a h-- - You're a savior of this town.

- I did not save-- - Can you touch my hand?

Whoa, everybody. Shut up. Shut up. He don't wanna hear your shit.

You're making this weird.

You're making this awkward for the hero.

Everyone of you should be ashamed of yourselves.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Dalton.

Guys don't be. You don't have to be sorry about that.

They should be sorry, Dalton. They made this weird.

- No, listen. - We didn't mean to

- ...make this weird. - It's not weird.

It's weird but it's...

- It's embarrassing. - Okay, okay.

- I'm gonna go. - 'Cause it's weird?

- No, it's not weird. I'm-- - It's awkward too.

We understand. Sorry, Dalton.

No, it's good to meet you all.

- You're good people. - We ruined everything.

If I could just sneak through here.

Excuse me, sir. You all have a good one, okay?

All right, we will.

- Sorry for making this weird. - Not weird.

♪

♪ Yippiya yippiyay yippiya yippiyo ♪

♪ Yippiya yippiyay yippiya yippiyo ♪

♪ I travel to the desert away from my home ♪

♪ I was tired, I was hungry. I traveled alone ♪

♪ And then, I met Acondo, and he was my friend ♪

♪ And now, with Acondo, I'll see it again ♪

♪ Yippiya yippiyay yippiya yippiyo ♪

♪ Yippiya yippiyay yippiya yippiyo ♪

♪ Yippiya yippiyay yippiya yippiyo ♪

♪ Yippiya yippiyay yippiya yippiyo-o-o ♪

♪

Oh, snap. That sounded as sweet as honey.

Acondo, I might be losing my mind.

But did this horse just lay down a harmony on my song?

He did, it sounded beautiful.

- You're a talking horse! - Was I off-key?

- Was I all right? - No, it was great.

But you're a talking horse!

- It was dead on, though. - He was good, he was good!

- Really? - How did you... What?

As a rule, I normally don't speak in front of people, because uh...

Well, 'cause they freak out!

Okay, I get it.

You do get it, Dalton. That's why I trust you.

Ah. Well, thank you. This is amazing!

It's amazing!

What your name, horse?

The name is McConaughorse.

Sometimes, I go by White Lightning.

Me heard of White Lightning.

- Yeah, you fast horse. - Very fast horse.

- Silky mane. - Thank you.

Ow...

Did you all hear that?

Sir. Sir. What happened here?

- What happened? - Oh, thank goodness.

Okay.

I've been stabbed.

Yeah, I see that.

- I see that. Okay, all right. - I need help. I need help.

I'm gonna pull it out. Here we go.

Oh, no, no, no!

Dalton, wait. That bad idea.

You made bleeding worse. Him die faster.

Oh boy, okay.

Okay, putting it back in. Here we go.

Dalton, that wrong hole.

Oh no, no, no. I never know what I'm doing.

Okay I'll try it again.

Okay, here's the right hole. That's the right hole.

Stop trying to help me, you stupid bastard.

Okay, hands off. I'm not touching you.

- I'm not gonna touch you. - Why did you...

I didn't mean to, sir. I'm trying to help.

Oh! Stick with me.

- Stick with me. - I'm losing it.

Okay, stick with me. We'll bring you to town--

I'm cool, I'm cool. Listen, I'll be okay.

Okay.

How, he's dead, isn't he?

Him dead. Him not stick with you, like you said.

Oh, man. I didn't mean to. I was just trying to help him. I'm not a doctor.

- No, you're not a doctor. - That's a lot of blood.

All right. Let's bring him to Toonstone.

- What? - We'll bury him there.

- We can bury him here, though. - It's on me, now.

I messed up.

Okay, well. Let's throw him up on the horse.

What'd you say?

Throw him up on you.

No, sir. What, that?

- Well, yeah. - That dead body?

- Of course. - No, no, no. Uh-huh.

- What's the problem? - In horse?

- What? - I'm horse now?

Well, I'm sorry, you know I didn't--

Let's throw him up on the human, Acondo.

Can we throw him on the buffalo?

Hold on.

Me ask Khan.

♪

And, my friends, if I'm elected Sheriff,

I guarantee that the outlaw problem in this town will be solved overnight

Now hold it right there, Raleigh.

I need to address these rumors that you're spreading about me.

Now, now, now, just wait a minute, Finch.

I never said any of those things

and I don't know how anyone found that information out.

And son, there's no shame in being a yellow bellied coward that runs from kittens.

I don't run from kittens, I'm allergic to kittens.

My eyes get all freaked out, man.

That sounds good, Finch. I'm a be over here.

Really?

Hi, excuse me, I couldn't help but overhear.

You running for Sheriff?

Yes, yes, I am.

Well, you're a new face.

Oh, yeah. We just stumbled into town. I'm a traveling musician.

My name's Dalton.

Well, I'm Finch.

And you could vote for me, tomorrow,

'cause a vote for Finch is a vote for Toonstone.

I might just do that, if I can. Listen.

I used to wet the bed when I was young. Don't feel ashamed.

I don't wet the bed.

- Finch! - Mayor.

Finch. How you doing, boy?

I'm doing great.

We got a little, tiny, insignificant, sort of big problem

Okay?

Well, Raleigh's on the ballot, son.

And, you're... Well you're not.

What do you mean I'm not on the ballot?

Hold on now.

I've put on the ballot, a space for you, just titled "Other"

which people can write in your name and vote for Finch.

Finch for Sheriff, everybody.

How does this happen? I'm the first one. I started this.

Well, you gotta understand. Bureaucracy, paperwork.

Yeah, yeah, of course. I'm surprised Raleigh's even on there. Huh?

Well, yeah, yeah.

So I guess it's at least good for him.

It does work that way sometimes.

Who is your friend over here?

My name's Dalton, sir. It's good to meet you.

Good to meet you, Mr. Dalton.

- Yes, sir. - Dalton?

- Dalton. - I know that name.

- Yeah, Dalton. Really? - Well, yeah.

I read that name in the paper.

Well, I wrote a song about pork and beans--

Did you kill Crazy Ass Frank?

- Are you that Dalton? - You are that...

- He is. - It was kind of an acc--

Holy damn dog shit.

We have a bona fide hero in our midst, ladies and gentlemen.

Everybody, this here is Dalton, the outlaw killer.

I wouldn't say I was a hero, I mean, that's kinda--

Drinks all around and they are on me.

Tonight is a celebration.

Vote for other.

♪

♪

Oh, man!

Where's my guitar?

Yep. That's bright.

- Hey, Finch. - Yeah?

You seen my guitar anywhere?

Yeah, you gave it to Tom last night.

Who's Tom?

He owns the general store. You don't remember?

Oh, there he is! Messed up Dalton, our brand new Sheriff.

You were in a tight race. Oh, who am I kidding?

It was a landslide victory, my boy. You should be proud of yourself.

Whoa whoa whoa what are you talking about? You said Sheriff.

- Yeah. - Sheriff?

Yeah.

I'm the... You said I was the Sheriff.

Yeah, you are the sher--

But I can't be sher--

Oh, quit playing games.

No, I wasn't even on the ballot.

This is what I don't get. Okay, how did Dalton's name get on the ballot

and I was still "Other"?

Well we obviously couldn't have had two "Others"?

Yeah. Yeah, I guess.

So, Mr. Dalton

people demanding a speech from you right now.

So if you please, come with me.

I don't have a speech, I don't have a speech.

Speech

Just give us the speech!

- I'm not ready. - Okay, okay.

Here. I prepared something. Just take my speech.

Just take it. Just take it!

Okay, okay.

Thank you. Thank you.

Citizens of Toonstone.

I'm honored to be elected your Sheriff.

I know we all suffered a horrible loss

when Sheriff Thompson was gunned down in cold blood by Trigger Happy Wilson?

Oh, yeah, it was a tragedy.

And when Sheriff Rickets was disemboweled--

Have you all lost your minds?

We cannot elect this guy Sheriff.

We don't even know anything about him.

Now, Miss Gail, calm down, please.

I will not calm down!

This man strolls into town last night,

gets drunk, and now he's Sheriff?

Wait, everybody.

I just found a body on the back of the buffalo that the Injun brought in.

That is what I'm talking about.

Dalton is out there, running around, with these people, just killing folks.

No, no, no. Acondo is innocent, y'all!

It was an accident. I killed that man.

Holy shit!

This is Trigger Happy Wilson.

Trigger Happy Wilson?

Sheriff Dalton must have snuck off into the night

like a sly fox.

And he done killed an outlaw.

Let's hear it for Dalton!

Dalton! Dalton! Dalton!

Well, looks like Mr. Trigger Happy Wilson has seen his last day.

Wouldn't you agree, Mr. Dalton?

I guess so.

Well, this is your desk. Over there is the cell where you can place the outlaws.

And I'm just gonna leave you to your business. You have a nice day.

Listen, Mayor.

I'm not qualified for this job.

Son, don't give me that.

No, sir. I can't be your Sheriff.

Of course, you can be our Sheriff.

Boy, you've killed three of the most dangerous outlaws in these parts.

I'm aware of all that but I'm just saying--

Now, Mayor, just wait one second.

I think this charade with Mr. Dalton has gone on long enough.

Oh, Mr. Raleigh, you're not sore about last night, are you?

With all due respect, just hear me out, sir.

Mr. Dalton has been here a total of one day

and all of a sudden, he is Sheriff and protector of this town?

We don't know a damn thing about him.

Exactly. Now, I see where Raleigh's coming from, sir. Here's what I'm trying to say.

I know nothing about law or anything. I'm just a simple musician, sir.

A musician?

- Yes, sir. I just-- - So, you play music?

Absolutely.

Yeah, well you can play down at the saloon tonight.

I would like to but--

You ought to be able to play down there every night.

- But why? - Well, because you're Sheriff.

People want to listen to what you have to say. And I'll tell you what.

You keep killing outlaws like you do,

people are gonna come from miles around just to hear your music.

I never quite thought of it that way.

♪

This is a new way of looking at things.

Dalton!

What was that?

Dalton, get your ass out here.

Who is that?

Dalton, son of a bitch, you killed my brother.

Oh no. Sweet baby Zeus!

That there is Crazy Ass Bill.

Crazy Ass Bill? I ca--

- Dalton! - Oh!

Well, Dalton, I suppose you should put your Sheriff badge on

and walk out there and handle your business.

Sir, I shouldn't be doing this. Raleigh, he can still be Sheriff, right?

No, Mr. Dalton. You're Sheriff.

You gotta handle this problem.

Good luck to ya, Sheriff.

Dalton, I know you're in there.

Get your ass out here, you dead son of a bitch!

Hey, there, Bill. How can I help you, sir?

I want you to look at me.

- Okay. - Look at my eyes.

All right.

And listen to what I'm saying right now.

I'm listening.

When you killed my brother, my heart filled with fire.

Fire only quenched with your blood.

That... that...

That was beautiful, Bill.

What?

That was plum beautiful, Bill. You just came up with that?

Well, yeah.

Well, you must be a poet or something.

'Cause that was music to my ears. I'm a musician.

All right? When I hear good lyrics,

I, uh...

- Wow. - Oh, man. Um...

It's weird, 'cause no one has ever pointed that. Thank you.

Absolutely. You need to get that down on paper.

Well, listen. If you like that, that's only the tip of the iceberg.

'Cause I threaten the shit out of people everyday and I come up with stuff

and you know, I see the appreciation on their face.

Now, you got a knack. You got a real knack for that.

♪ Pork and beans in my tum ♪

♪ Yum, yeah. Yum, yum, yum. ♪

What do you think, Bill?

Dalton, you ever been in a situation where

a little kid shows you a picture

something he drew and it's just god awful but you wanna be nice?

Well, I'm sorry you don't like it, Bill.

Come on, Dalton. Ain't you ever been in love?

Or you've been sad about something?

Well, I've been sad a whole bunch of times, yeah, but I've never been in love.

You know what, Dalton?

I'm gonna fix you.

How you gonna do that?

I'm gonna open your eyes, Dalton.

'Cause there's songs all around you.

You just ain't found them yet.

Open my eyes...

Yeah. I reckon I need to open my eyes a little bit.

Hey. I'm gonna go see if my guitar is ready.

- You need anything? - No, no, I'm good.

Okay, hey, I'll see you in a few.

- Oh! Hey, watch a doing, man? - Going to--

I thought we were just writing songs.

We were writing songs.

I didn't know you were gonna lock me up.

Well, you're still an outlaw.

I mean, we are still gonna write songs, but I can't let you out on the streets.

But I thought me and you was like--

No, we're good.

This is good, believe me. You sure you don't need nothing?

How about the key?

That's a good one. Oh, hell no.

You know, I wouldn't wanna be an outlaw, right now.

Not with me and Dalton out there, you know,

fighting crime and what not. So uh...

It's not a life for everybody. I'll tell you that.

It's a dangerous life.

Most law horses don't live past five.

But it's a risk I'm willing to take.

- Hey, Dalton. Dalton. - Hey.

There's my partner.

- How you doing man? - Good. How you doing?

I'm great man. How you digging being Sheriff?

At first, scared. Now, seeing the opportunity.

- Oh, man, I'm loving it. - Are you?

You know how much attention I'm getting just being the Sheriff's horse?

Are you serious?

Oh, like you wouldn't even believe it man. It's crazy.

Oh, good for you, man. That's great.

Hey, listen. When you get a chance, I'd like one of the uh...

- The what? - The uh...

- It goes on your shirt. - Neckerchief?

No, the star.

- Oh, the badge. - Badge.

- You want a badge? - Yes.

- A horse badge? - Yes.

- Okay. - Can I get one?

Well, I...

Evening, sir.

So, anyway, you think you can get me a badge?

Yeah, I'll get you a badge. Not a problem. You deserve it.

Well, you will deserve it.

Dalton. How's our new Sheriff doing?

Good. Tom, is it?

Listen. Your guitar is not ready yet.

Oh. Um...

Oh, ma'am. You can go ahead of me.

Pretty lady like you shouldn't have to wait for nothing.

- No sir. No cutsies. - No cut--

Sign says no cutsies.

It sure does.

Well, I'm sorry.

Hey, I don't believe we formally met. My name's Dalton.

Hello, Sheriff. I'm Gail.

It's nice to meet you, Gail.

So how are things going as Sheriff?

They're going okay. I'm just, you know,

new at this and trying to figure it all out.

Oh, that's just great.

The newcomer's gotta figure it out.

Well, I feel reassured already.

Who knows? Maybe when the outlaws come back to town,

you can just tell them to hold on a second while you figure it out.

Watch your mouth, Gail.

You know what, Tom? I'm just gonna get my stuff and go.

It's not your turn, Gail. Dalton's in line.

Okay, Tom. So if my guitar is not ready,

when might it be ready?

Parts won't be in for a couple of days.

I could give you a loaner until then.

She's not much but she will carry a tune.

Hey, thank you so much, for the loaner.

And ma'am it's a pleasure, pleasure to meet you.

Yeah, good luck trying to catch those outlaws with your guitar.

Hey. Maybe I can get a gun. I could help you.

What would you do with a gun, McConaughorse?

I'd shoot outlaws, man. Me and you, back to back. Blazing.

I'm having a hard time getting a visual here.

Why?

Well...

Do you have anything that does what a finger would?

Okay, no. Let's don't go here, Dalton.

I'm sorry. We won't go there.

Hey, you guys. What are you talking about?

Oh, hey there, Finch. Uh...

We're just admiring the stars in the sky. Look how gorgeous they are this evening.

It's a clear night.

So, how are things treating you, Sheriff?

Pretty good. I can't complain, you know.

This is a magnificent looking horse. Whose horse is this?

That's my horse.

Wow, how much did you pay for that? It must have cost you a fortune.

He just kinda fell in my lap. I didn't pay anything for him.

You didn't pay anything for this horse?

No, sir. Not a nickel.

- How's that happen? - Well, uh...

Him got him when Stinky Pinky went to spirit in sky.

That's what happened.

So this is Stinky Pinky's horse?

- Yes, it is. - This is White Lightning.

That's what they call him, yeah.

Fastest horse in the West.

So they say.

And you didn't pay anything for him?

Nothing.

And now you're Sheriff of Toonstone.

See that over there?

- That's my mule. - Oh.

That's Rusty.

Him majestic creature.

Yeah, work it out. Come on.

Still paying for him.

Yeah, that's my life.

Hey, Finch. How do you feel about being my deputy?

- Really? - Absolutely.

I don't know, Dalton.

Oh, come on, Finch. Be my deputy.

I'm gonna have to think that one through.

- Come on. - Okay.

- Okay what? - I'll do it.

Oh, Finch. You don't even know.

I do. I do know.

This is my deputy, guys...

Acondo.

Finch, Rusty eating him vomit.

No, no, no, no. Don't, don't.

What in the world is that?

You hear that, Acondo?

No, me not hear anything.

I'll be right back, guys.

♪

♪

♪

♪

That was beautiful, sir. It was absolutely amazing.

Oh, thank you there, Sheriff.

- What's your name? - The name's Slim.

Slim, it's good to meet you.

What are you doing way out here?

I figured more ears should hear that beautiful music.

Well, I'm gonna die tonight, son.

You're gonna die? Oh, I've heard of that.

Some old people, they just feel it.

And they'll just go off somewhere.

What, you hear something or you just feel something? What is it?

Two cases of dynamite.

You got a light, son?

No, I don't have a light. Why you gonna kill yourself?

Well, I'm old. I'm pissed.

And Toonstone finally has a decent gunslinger, so...

I feel like the town's safe.

About that...

I can't shoot a gun.

- Come again? - Can't shoot a gun, sir.

- You can't shoot? - No. I can't.

You better be poking my pickle.

You see, that's why Finch or Raleigh should be Sheriff.

Finch or Raleigh can't be Sheriff, boy!

- The people need you. - Why?

Because of hope.

These people, they've not had hope for a long time.

They've been robbed,

they've had members of their families, killed by outlaws.

For so many years, they've completely lost hope.

And then last night, you showed up.

And that hope came back.

So, now, all these people are here believing in you.

And you're gonna tell me you're gonna take that away from them?

But I'm still a musician. A musician that can't shoot.

Well you're about to be a musician who's gonna change his tune.

Because I'm gonna teach you how to shoot.

- You are? - Damn straight, son.

You're gonna become the hero these people need.

Damn it, son. That was just pitiful.

I'm trying, Slim.

You see these guns you got in your hands?

Yes.

You need to learn to listen to them.

They'll tell you if you're doing right or if you're doing wrong.

Well, they ain't told me nothing yet, Slim.

That's because you're not listening, you stupid son of a bitch.

Now, put the guns in the holster.

- Okay. - Now look at the bottle.

Looking at that bottle.

Pretend that bottle is an outlaw. And he's about to blow your head off.

I'm gonna beat him to the punch.

You're in the right mood. Now listen to the gun.

And go.

- Are you even trying, boy? - Slim, I'm trying.

Hey guys, what's going on?

Oh, nothing Finch. I'm just out here teaching our new Sheriff how to shoot.

- Morning Finch. - Yeah, teaching.

You're teaching Dalton how to shoot. That's funny.

Now Dalton, you see that bottle?

Oh, I see it.

You gotta visualize that bottle as a mortal enemy.

Yeah, yeah, it's an enemy.

Now, put your guns in your holster.

Focus on the bottle.

- I got this. - Now pull and shoot.

That was closer than last time.

This is impossible.

I get it. It's funny.

You get what?

I get it. "Let's mess with Finch."

We're not messing with you, Finch.

Why would we be messing with you? I'm just--

'Cause yeah. You can't shoot, you're the Sheriff. I get it.

Yeah, he can't shoot.

It's not funny when you keep on--

- Finch, I can't shoot. - Right.

- I can't. - I get it.

It's not a joke.

It was a joke until you beat it into the ground.

And now, it's just not funny anymore.

Alright, hold it right there. Nobody move.

Now, I'm looking for Dalton. Is that you, son?

I'm Dalton.

Yeah, you're gonna die today 'cause you killed my cousin, Stinky Pinky.

Alright, Dalton. I want you to pull your gun and I want you to shoot.

He says if I move, he's gonna shoot me.

Oh, no, that's bullshit. See, watch.

You see how easy that is?

- Oh, you old Sheri-- - Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Let's focus on the issue here.

I'm gonna kill you next, you old son of a bitch.

Alright, that's fine. Now, Dalton, pull your gun and shoot him.

I can't pull it, he's expecting it this time.

No, he's not expecting it this time. You see?

Damn it. You killed my other cousin.

On the count of three, I want you to shoot Dalton in the head.

- Slim, what are you-- - Say your prayers, Dalton.

And a one, and a two...

Damn it, Finch.

How the hell's he gonna learn to shoot?

You're serious. You don't know how to shoot?

No.

Yeah, what'd you think? We were joking?

No, no, it makes sense now.

So I gotta...

I gotta head back into town and figure out why God hates me.

Come on, Rusty.

Oh, my God!

It's a Mexican chuck-wagon.

People of Toonstone.

Give us the doomsday device.

- Oh, it's chuck-wagon. - Welcome back.

We're no chuck-wagon.

I'm sorry I have to interrupt you there. What are you looking for? What is a doomsday?

We are looking for the doomsday device.

- It looks like this. - It looks like that.

- It is round. - Round.

- It's purple. - Purple.

It will kill all the people on your planet.

- What? - Um...

Now that doomsday device, is that the special?

It ain't no special.

Okay, I think I'm ready, you all.

- Um, I'm gonna get the chili-- - Gentlemen, listen.

I don't think these people are here to serve you any food.

It's one of those bandito scams. I wouldn't fall for it.

This ain't no scam.

We want the doomsday device, right now.

We know you got it.

Okay I'll have the chili banana meal.

Actually, I think you've got that wrong.

I've not seen this doomsday device here.

But I think that I did definitely see it in Town City.

Raleigh, don't you remember seeing that?

Oh, yeah. Good idea, Gail.

Yeah, we saw it in Town City.

They had a few of them there. You might be able to go there and get one now.

It look like this?

Yup, yup. Round, purple.

That sounds like it.

It does sound like it.

Okay, here's what we'll do.

We're gonna go to Town City, see if they got a doomsday device.

But I warn you gringos.

If they don't, we'll come back here and we're gonna kill you all.

- Wait a second. - Adios, muchachos.

♪

So, Gail come in to office today. Her looking for you.

- She was? - Her want to ask you questions.

- Like what? - Me not know.

Me was like "talk to hand, face no want to hear none."

- You didn't say that. - No.

Don't turn around. Just listen.

I know you're Sheriff now.

Fighting crime could be a lonely job.

I just want you to know, you're not alone.

- There's two of us, pal. - Is that you, Tom?

No, it's not.

'Cause I was gonna ask if my guitar was ready.

No, I don't think it is.

Harry said the parts won't be here until Friday. Maybe this weekend.

Okay, well, if you're not Tom, who are you?

Who am I?

I'm the shadow of the night.

I'm the eye in the sky.

I am the thing that evil fears most.

I am the Dark Owl.

What the hell was that all about?

♪

Oh. What the...

Where the hell is this going?

Now, listen, Bill. You gonna need to stand back a little bit, okay?

All right.

What the hell is taking so long?

Look, when you own to be in charge of the dynamite

you can be in charge of the wick.

I'm just saying, couldn't you have shortened the damn wick?

No, no, no, no--

Whoa, what's going on here, guys?

- Oh, shit, we've been caught. - Wait a minute.

Aren't you that son of a bitch, Dalton?

Oh, yeah, I'm Dalton but--

You're the one that killed my brother.

Oh, calm down, now.

- Now who's your brother? - Frankie.

Oh, okay. That was a complete accident. I swear to you.

Oh, no, you shot him, right in the heart.

No, hold on, it was an accident. I swear to you.

And, if you guys are trying to bust Bill out, you're wasting your time

'cause Bill ain't an outlaw anymore. He's a songwriter.

Bill?

Um. No, I'm not. I'm still an outlaw.

You better be an outlaw.

Bill, what're you talking about? You're an amazing songwriter.

You don't need to be an outlaw.

Okay, I'm an outlaw that happens to turn words into fish and wine like Jesus Christ.

Bill, is this true?

Is you a songwriter now?

Yeah, I mean, haven't you ever noticed how I always had a way with words?

Or did it just pass by like a sweet gentle breeze over alabaster sands?

- That's really good. - We could use that.

- I know, write it down. - Now you're writing, Bill?

What are you, a teacher?

You see, Pete?

Me and Dalton, we have a connection. It's like--

Acondo, what're you doing man?

Me thought it would help.

Me sorry. Me put back.

- Here nice man. - Oh, thank you.

- Oh! - I think I'm gonna lay down.

Oh, I'm gonna shoot this Injun.

Okay, hold it, right there.

No, I ain't holding for no one.

Take it easy, Pete. Just take it easy.

Drop the guns. I don't wanna shoot you.

Just drop the gun.

Hey, Dalton, I got you a nice cup of coffee.

Oh, morning, Finch, thank you very much.

- Who's that? - Crazy Ass Pete.

That's Bill's brother. We took him in this morning.

- This morning? - Uh huh.

Where was I?

Coffee sound good, me have some.

Hey, that's my cup of coffee.

You take land, me take coffee.

- Uh... - That sounds fair enough.

Hey, Slim, what're we gonna do today? Shoot some more bottles?

No, we're gonna shoot something bigger than bottles.

Like what? Jugs? Or barrels?

Oh, no. Something a bit more dangerous.

♪

How's the badge coming?

- What'd you say? - My badge?

- Oh, your badge? - Yeah, is it about ready?

Yeah, I'm sure it's getting there.

All right, son. Did you see what I did?

Well, yeah, you threw him out the window.

And do you notice now everybody is looking at us?

- Yeah, I guess. - Hey!

Crazy old man!

See it's all about getting attention.

Not only did I throw him out of the window

- Hey! - ...but I pissed him off.

You're gonna pay for that, old man.

And notice how I'm not even acknowledging him. I'm just talking to you.

You haven't looked at him since you came out here.

Look at me.

I'm talking to you.

See, the longer you don't look at them, the more pissed off they get.

It's gonna affect their gunslinging.

I am talking to you!

Now, son, this is where I turn on the magic.

Okay.

Oh, hello! There you are. Glad you could join us.

Oh! It's apple time.

I'm gonna shoot you, old man.

- See how pissed off he sounds? - Oh, he's pissed off.

How do you think this is time for an apple? Huh?

Now, see I'm gonna give him a chance to surrender.

Alright Drippy Peters. You're coming with me, you understand?

You and me. Now!

Let's see how fast you really are.

It was nice knowing you, old man.

And in three, two...

You see how cool that was?

Okay. Whoa...

- Well, what now? - It's your turn, son.

♪

♪

Well, there's Camel Toby's camel.

You think you're ready for this?

I think I'm ready to try.

Well, I want you to go in there and just do what I taught you, okay?

Okay, I'm going in.

Hey, you.

Hey, I'm talking to you.

I know you can talk.

I know a damn talking horse when I see one.

Horses do not talk.

- Yes, they do. - They do not.

Oh!

- I'm good, I'm good. - Damn it, son.

Don't worry about it. He said he was coming right out.

He's gonna meet me out here.

- Come here. - I'm more or less tripped on--

- Come here, damn it! - Okay, I'm coming.

What the hell are you doing?

What do you mean what I'm doing? I'm trying--

You're getting all kinds of attention to yourself.

But that's a good thing--

No, that's a bad thing when you're the one getting thrown out of the damn window.

Like I said, I tripped, that last time.

Shit.

Come on out, lawman.

Alright, look, you can salvage this.

- Come on out. - Here's what I want you to do.

- Okay. - I want you to go out there

- Uh huh. - ...and shoot his hat off.

- Okay. - This is a classic technique.

You shoot his hat off, it falls on the ground, and then you keep shooting it.

Come face me.

Okay, I'm gonna do this.

Well, you finally decided to show your face, huh?

Yep, I'm here.

Slim, his hat is very, very small.

I don't even know why he's wearing something so small.

Shoot the damn hat, son.

- Come on, draw, son. - I can't shoot it.

I can't! I'm not gonna hit the hat!

Shoot the damn hat!

Oh! I'm sorry.

Don't apologize, damn it.

I didn't mean to hit him in the face.

Look, you gotta have a catchphrase. You gotta say something cool.

- Okay, okay. - Say something cool.

Uh...

All right, then.

All right, then?

- I couldn't think of nothing. - Shit.

Quick. Exit, exit. Follow me.

Yeah, but where are we going?

Just walk.

But we're walking away from the--

I know, just walk.

- But Acondo and McConaughorse-- - I know, boy.

Just walk.

Anytime you get a chance to walk into the sunset, you take it.

Why?

Think how bad-ass we must look to those people back there.

Ah...

Yeah, we're just all sihouettey.

I bet we do look bad-ass.

♪

What the hell are we doing here?

Well, land say Pee Paw need to speak with me.

Look, damn it, all this talking to the land shit is horse-wallop!

Hey, what's going on over there, Acondo?

Ugh.

They doing rain dance.

- It not going to work, though. - Huh?

No, if rain come for that dance, rain be disappointed.

We should really get out of here, boys.

I'm not feeling this at all.

- Slim, come on now-- - Hey, Pee Paw!

Oh, God!

Acondo.

Land told you me looking for you?

What the hell is on your head?

Yeah, land leave message.

Land have great spirit journey for you.

Okay.

Land say great warrior in desert.

Is up to you to find him.

Who great warrior?

Land say his name "Dalton".

Dalton right here.

Acondo, no time to waste.

You must start your journey now.

Journey started now and ended now.

Pee Paw, Dalton right here.

- Right here, sir. - Yeah, there's the great warrior.

You must find Dalton.

Foundzies.

Acondo.

Acondo.

- Acondo. - Pee Paw.

Acondo, we have spirit feather.

Okay.

You take feather.

Oh!

Do you know what feather does, Acondo?

Spirit feather pointing to Dalton?

Spirit feather points you to Dalton.

You must go into desert to find great warrior.

Unless I'm right here, of course.

Then we could save some time.

I'm counting on you, Acondo.

Me not let you down, Pee Paw.

Pee Paw?

Let's get the hell out of here!

Look at this, Slim, I made the paper again.

Yeah, I guess those fast guitar fingers are paying off,

but God, your catch phrase sounds stupid.

No, it was bad.

Yeah, you're doing a super duper job.

It just kind of gets under my skin a little bit.

- It just-- - What?

No, forget it.

No, no, no, go ahead. I want you to

go ahead and tell me what you're feeling.

I'm jealous.

Well, don't be jealous of me. We're on the same team.

I can't help it.

It just seems like everything is--

Just falls into your lap!

Hey, Dalton. You might want to get out of here and check this out.

There's all kinds of--

Shit, is that Finch?

Never mind.

But seriously, you might want to-- Out here.

I-- Oh-- Did your--

Yeah, it's a talking horse.

Of course he is.

Oh, this is perfect. All right, son. - Ow! Let go!

Here's what I want you to do.

Oh, come here, pretty lady. Come on down here with me.

Let me go!

I like the way she says, "Let me go".

Oh! Get your hands off of me!

Oh, no, no. There's only gonna be one type of getting off tonight.

I'm warning you, this is not--

Excuse me!

I don't think the lady wants to dance.

♪

I'm gonna need three caskets.

Oh! You got it, Sheriff.

Sheriff, I'm so sorry.

What type of wood did you want to use with this casket?

I don't know. Whatever is uh-- Whatever is cheap.

Pine is the absolute cheapest.

Great. Pine. Pine's fine.

Middle of the road, maybe oak.

Oh, pine. Let's go pine.

♪

Well, well, well, if it ain't

a silver badge Nancy boy.

What you going to do there, Sheriff?

What I'm gonna do

is make your life a living hell if you don't let her go.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

How you gonna do that, big horse?

With these guns there, sir.

Sheriff, I am so sorry to interrupt,

but those three caskets you ordered--

- Yeah. - We did not discuss the actual lining.

I really don't care about the lining.

Hold on, now. Are those caskets for us?

What? Of course they're for you. They're not for me.

Well, hell, why aren't you gonna have lining in 'em? I mean--

Because I'm paying for them!

And I'm not gonna add extra for lining there for your dumb ass.

No-- Why are we talking about the damn lining?

I mean, you telling me you want to be buried in a plain old--

No, I don't plan on being buried. We're not gonna die.

We're gonna kill him.

You ain't killing me. There are--

These are for you.

Feel this. It just came in from Paris.

Ooh! That's--

I know that you wanted to go with the pine.

That's pretty nice.

Everybody wants to go with pine.

This right here from Paris comes included with the mahogany.

No! No, no, no. No lining. We'll go with pine.

I mean, I'd be willing to pay a couple of dollars towards it, you know.

Are you throwing some in?

- I'll throw a couple of dollars in. - Are you guys serious?

If you're gonna go that route, go with mahogany.

Well, listen, if you're tossing money in,

I don't really care what you get.

What the hell are you doing?

I'm just saying, you know--

We're not getting damn caskets!

All right, listen!

Let the girl go and get up on out of here or else--

We're gonna have what casket we--

Shut up about the damn caskets!

We're not gonna get caskets!

So what's it gonna be, boys?

Well, this girl is mine, Sheriff.

And the only way you're gonna get her tonight

is if you pry her from my cold, dead fingers.

Fair enough.

♪

♪

You okay, Gail?

Yes, but no thanks to you!

What do you mean, "No thanks to me"?

Oh, you're out causing a ruckus,

pissing all the outlaws off,

and they're coming to town, looking for a fight.

But at least I'm taking them out, though, you know.

Hot damn, son!

I got three, Slim!

By yourself. Not perfect.

Yeah, well, I know.

Not only did you kill the outlaws,

but you also saved the girl. See, now she likes you.

I do not like him!

Kind of looks like she wants to make love to you.

Now that is just taking it too far--

Is it true, Gail? You want to make sweet love to me right now?

Son, I want to give you something.

What's this, Slim?

It's my old badge.

Your old badge?

I wore it back in the day when I was a lawman.

And then as I got older I passed it on.

Unfortunately, I passed it on to someone who didn't deserve it.

So I had to take it back

and now I'm passing it to you.

♪

Thank you, Slim. I don't know what to say.

I think you know exactly what to say.

♪

All right, then!

♪

All right, then!

♪

All right, then!

♪

Go ahead and drop your guns.

You heard the Sheriff.

♪

♪

- Hyah! - Hyah!

- Hyah! - Hyah!

- Giddy-up! - Giddy-up!

- Yeehaw! - Yeehaw!

♪

All right, Mr. McCoy, go ahead and drop your guns.

Whoa!

Does that get dry on you every now and then or--

Or is it-- Anyway, go ahead and drop your guns!

You are under arrest.

Let's just walk on out of here and make this nice and easy.

I'm sorry, what's that?

Yeah.

I'll tell you what.

I'm gonna put my hands in the air. You see that?

You go ahead and take your guns off the mayor now.

Throw 'em on the ground and let's just get on out of here.

And if you do something wrong,

I'm gonna take you out.

Don't do anything stupid. Don't you do that.

Finch! Our deputy taking out "Pretty Boy" McCoy. Way to go, buddy.

Finch!

Hey, Finch, go ahead and say something real cool.

Probably get it in the paper.

What is-- What-- What?

What is-- What-- What?

I-- I--

Slim, you hear that, "What is-- What-- What"?

Hey, you though, "All right, then" was bad.

Here's to the best friends a guy could ever ask for.

Cheers, everyone.

- Cheers! - Cheers, Dalton!

Cheers, Dalton!

Seriously, I love each and every one of you like a brother.

Go to hell, Dalton!

You too, Pete!

Hey, Dalton. Glad I caught you.

- Hey, Tom. - Your guitar's ready.

Sweet! That's great news!

Yeah, I brought this flier by, too.

There's a music competition tonight in Town City.

A music competition?

Dalton, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

I'm thinking exactly what you're thinking.

We need to enter our song!

No. It says here that Wild Hairy Johnson is gonna be one of the judges.

- Are you serious? - Yeah!

Wait, who Wild Hairy Johnson?

Uh, only the best US Marshal to ever walk the Earth.

You need to get your rest, son.

You're a Sheriff now, not a damn songwriter.

Yeah, but Slim, I'm kind of both, and it's just tonight.

And tomorrow, a gang of outlaws might show up in this town.

So what are you gonna do if you're sleepy?

You know, Dalton, if you enter that festival,

I'm sure that Dark Owl would probably watch the town.

You think?

Probably.

Dark Owl could probably watch the town, Slim.

Who watch store, Tom?

Does anyone remember that I work here?

Dark Owl and Finch would watch the town, Slim.

You are the Sheriff!

Okay, fine, I was--

Okay.

- Good decision, boy. - You know what I'm thinking?

What's that?

Tomorrow, how about we go after this real expensive guy,

Two Eyed Jack and, you know, set an example for all these other guys.

No. No, son, see, I--

You're decent at shooting,

and I admit you're a fast learner,

but Jack's a master.

And you don't screw with a master.

Well, what if we both screw with the master?

Uh-huh.

No, no, I can't do that.

Well, why not, Slim?

I just can't! Okay?

Okay.

Well, hey, uh--

I'm gonna go get my guitar, guys,

so I'll see you in a bit.

Hey, Dalton.

Hey there, McConaughorse. How are you?

Why the long face?

There's this music competition I want to go to so bad.

- Slim's saying I can't-- - Dalton?

Oh, hey, Gail.

What-- What are you doing out here?

Are you just talking to yourself?

I was-- Yeah, I--

Hey, you know.

Well, you know, since we're here, um,

I've been meaning to tell you that

I kind of feel like I owe you an apology so I'm sorry.

Oh, Gail, you don't owe me an apology.

I mean, I understand why people have their doubts--

Well, yeah-- No, I don't know.

And I wrote some pretty mean things about you in the paper, so--

Gail, it was fine. I mean, when I read that

I sat back and I was thinking,

"Am I really that big of a douche-bag son of a bitch?"

You painted the picture and I fell for it.

And this is me we're talking about. You'd think I'd know.

- Yeah-- - You're just that good, Gail.

- You think so? - Oh, you blew my mind.

Well-- Well, thank you, Dalton.

On top of the beauty, that much talent?

That is just-- Thank you.

Well, now, you're welcome. Thank you for--

For--

- Oh! - Oh!

- Um-- - Are you serious right now?

Well, I-- I just-- You know, I'll just-- I'll catch you later.

Sure. Sure, yeah, I'll-- I hope sooner better than later.

All right.

Why would you do that then?

- What are you talking about? - Why would you start peeing then?

'Cause I had to pee then.

Why would you do it right here on us and--

Why would you freeze up when you had things going so smooth?

'Cause I was getting peed on!

Dalton, I pee all the time. It's never bothered you before.

I pee all the time, too, but not next to other people.

What would you have me do?

Walk around the corner?

Hold it a few more minutes? I don't care.

How weird would that look, if I just walked around the corner?

It would look like a normal thing!

"Hey, where's your horse going?"

Around the corner!

I didn't come here to argue, Dalton.

Are we going to this competition or what?

- I can't go to the competition. - Why?

Slim said that I'll be sleepy tomorrow, in case something happens--

How would you be sleepy? I'm doing all the running.

All you gotta do is ride.

I'll have you back by morning.

What if someone sees us?

We'll wear disguises.

You make some very good points there.

Let's do it, Dalton.

Can I get an "All right then"?

- All right then. - All right!

♪

All right, two dollars to kiss your baby.

Five dollars, I'll sleep with your wife.

And for six dollars

I'll take a plug of this tobacco and spit it in your face

so you can never wash it for all time.

You ain't paying for eloquence, you're paying to look at this.

Look at it.

Five dollars. Thank you.

Oh, my! It's Wild Hairy Johnson.

I never thought I'd get starstruck but I'm feeling it now.

What's that baby doing?

Give it to me.

Look at that. Now you owe me money. I'm holding your baby.

Oh, my God! It's Two Eyed Jack!

♪

I'd recognize them two eyes anywhere,

Two Eyed Jack.

What brings you round these parts, Johnson?

In case you didn't notice I'm doing a book signing.

You got something you want me to sign

other than your death papers?

No, not necessarily.

But I would like to challenge you to a gun fight.

Good lawmen are awful hard to find around here.

Well, if you do want me to take you on I'd be more than happy to

plug a hole in that head of yours

and use it as a chili bowl tomorrow,

have Juan whip up some brain chili.

Oh, man, this ain't no good.

- Town guy? - Wait. What?

What are you doing here? You're Sheriff now?

Oh, no, I'm not--

No, you're the Sheriff. You got the Sheriff's badge on.

Oh, damn it! Look, I got a confession.

I got elected Sheriff accidentally.

- I didn't mean to be here. - I know all about it.

That's what happened with me, it's Dalton.

The hell are you doing here?

I'm not supposed to be. I feel like we should really do something.

This is a gentleman's duel.

We can't get involved in something like this.

That badge.

How long have you had that shiny thing?

Around 42 years.

I don't aim to lose it to you, Two Eyed Jack.

It's beautiful.

You like play pretties, do you?

This ain't gonna be one you can dangle over your crib

and look at it at night, honey.

All right, Mr. Johnson.

Whenever you're ready.

That'd be right about now.

Oh, shit!

Was that all?

Was that all of the fight I got

from the famous Wild Hairy Johnson?

- What do we do now? - Well, we run.

- No, no, no, we don't-- - We run for the hills.

No, we don't. There's two of us and there's one of him.

We need to get out there and take care of this.

Yeah, but that one of them is really, really good.

I know that. But we're-- Listen,

you and I, we're lawmen.

This is what we do.

- All right. - We're going out in three.

I'm gonna go out in three.

- One, two-- - Two.

Three!

Sorry, Dalton!

Can I help you?

Oh. Maybe, uh--

Is that Dalton?

If you wanted to surrender that'd be very helpful.

Son, I don't believe you know who I am.

Well, I don't believe you know who I am!

Aha!

You-- You still don't know who I am, do you?

Not in the slightest.

Sheriff Dalton.

Oh! The Sheriff of Toonstone!

How about you go ahead and set those pistols on the ground,

and go ahead and give up.

What, these pistols? These little things?

Yeah.

I suppose that's not a terrible idea.

It's not a bad idea.

But I've already got my mind set

on draw!

Okay.

♪

Come on, Dalton. You got this.

♪

McConaughorse! No!

♪

♪

Mc-- McConaughorse.

♪

♪

Excuse me, Mayor. Have you seen Dalton this morning?

No, I ain't seen him since the other night.

Excuse me. Everyone, I--

I'm sorry I have some terrible news.

The paper just came in from Town City and

Wild Hairy Johnson and Dalton were both

killed there last night by Two Eyed Jack.

What?

Yeah, it's on the front page here.

Oh, this is terrible, y'all.

I guess seeing as how I had the second most votes in the election,

I should probably step in as Sheriff

and that way the town doesn't go unprotected.

- Are you serious? - Why are we even thinking--

♪

♪

♪

Oh, what--

Oh, you're dead!

And you smell very bad.

Two Eyed Jack!

Where did you get this badge?

What's it to you?

Well, this used to be my badge.

You're the one who didn't deserve it.

Slim told me so, you didn't deserve that.

So old man Slim's alive.

- No. - Where's he hiding?

He's not hiding, he's not alive necessarily.

I'm guessing Slim's hiding in that backwater shit of a town called Toonstone.

- No. - You're lying.

- I'm not. - You are.

- Maybe. - You're lying.

You're lying.

I'm gonna give you two options here, boy.

Option number one is I blow you head off right now and end your misery.

Option number two is you rot here in the sun.

Well, how about you go ahead and decide for me.

I'll go ahead and rot in the sun, huh?

So long, Sheriff.

So there you have it.

Looks like getting buried alive's pretty common around here.

♪

I just wish I could've changed all that.

♪

♪

♪

♪

Sheriff Dalton was a fine man.

One we'll never forget.

Um, I'm glad I got to know him.

He was a smart kid.

And now,

I guess he's in a better place now.

♪

♪

Well--

♪

Land, I've never heard you before, but...

I sure hope you can hear me.

See, I messed up real big, huh.

♪

My horse is dead, and...

a town full of people I love is in danger.

I was too selfish, stubborn,

didn't listen to Slim, and here I am, huh,

unable to do a damned thing about it.

♪

I guess all I'm saying is...

♪

...if there's any way possible

that you can help me,

I'd really appreciate it.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

What-- Who's there?

Hey, I think he can hear us.

Of course I can hear you.

You better show yourself or else--

Oh, you don't have to be a prick about it.

"Don't have to be a prick about it."

You're-- You're talking cactus.

I can hear you, I--

I must be talking to the land.

I think he's starting to get...

...the point!

Listen! Listen, guys, listen.

He gonna talk.

He gonna say something.

Can-- Can you help me get out of here?

Huh. For sure.

Hey, everybody, let's help him. Hey, grab your shovels.

- Grab your shovels! - Yeah!

Grab your shovels!

We gotta help this man!

Shovel!

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

They're not getting shovels, are they?

Nope, they're cacti.

Oh, I'm so screwed.

I guess you're stuck between me and a hard place.

"Me and a hard place."

I really need to get out of here to--

I'm running out of time.

Dalton, listen to me.

There are forces behind you that are greater than time.

You destiny has led you here and now you must choose your path.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't,

you were right.

You're right. I can't.

'Cause I'm buried up to my neck.

But maybe I can if someone actually found me.

- Dalton! - Acondo!

Ah, you alive!

I'm alive!

Me not think me would see you again.

I didn't think I was gonna see anyone again.

I'm so happy to see you, buddy.

Oh, me happy, too. Ken not been same since you been gone.

Hey, listen. You need to get me out of here 'cause Toonstone's in trouble.

♪

I know you're in there, Slim!

Nobody blows Two Eyed Jack off!

Okay, uh, Slim, what do we do?

Well, I'm gonna go out there and I'm gonna face him.

No, I mean us. I mean all of us.

We can all help.

Yeah, Mr. Finch is right. Let's--

Now, now, now, just wait a minute.

Now it's obvious that Two Eyed Jack is here for Slim.

There's no reason to endanger anybody else's life here.

Yeah, Raleigh, spoken like a true coward.

Slim, what do I do?

Finch, I hate to say this but Raleigh's right.

If we all go out there he's just gonna kill all of us.

Um, I can't sit here and, and--

Finch, look, you're my friend. I trust you.

And when I'm gone these people are gonna need somebody to protect them.

And it sure as hell ain't this prick.

So I need you to stay alive. You understand that?

Yes, Slim.

Gentlemen, it's been a pleasure knowing each and every one of you.

♪

There, all better.

Thanks, Acondo.

I'm just scared we're not gonna make it back to Toonstone in time.

Guess it's all up to you, Ken.

Uh, we get there faster with you riding me.

- Dalton. - McConaughorse.

- McConaughorse! - I thought I lost you!

I was sure I lost you!

How are you alive?

How am I alive? How are you alive? I saw you get shot.

Let me tell you, if it weren't for this old guy, Pee Paw--

- Acondo! - Pee Paw!

Me have great spirit journey for you.

You must return stallion to great warrior.

- Seriously? - And must save land.

- Okay. - I'm right here, Pee Paw.

- Acondo! - Pee Paw, him right here.

All right, Acondo, I'll see you later.

I got to jump on McConaughorse, we need to get to Toonstone.

- You ready McConaughorse? - Let's do this, Dalton.

Let's do it.

♪

Hello, Jack.

Hello there, Slim.

It's been a long, long time.

So what the hell do you want?

Oh, I just wanted to come into town,

and show you my new badge.

You're a son of a bitch, Jack.

Dalton was a good man.

He was weak, just like all the other lawmen in this valley.

You were weak when I found you, Jack.

You gave me this badge out of trust.

Told me I was the best gunslinger you'd ever seen.

When you become a lawman, people are supposed to respect you, Jack,

not fear you.

The fear kept the outlaws away.

So what if the people were scared of me?

Do those badges make you feel like a better man?

I am a better man.

Well, how are you gonna prove that, son?

I want you to draw.

I ain't gonna pull my iron on you, boy.

'Cause I think that deep down

that young man I once knew still wants to do what's right.

I think your aim's a little off, Jack.

No, Slim, my aim's as good as it ever was.

Get up and face me.

I'm not gonna do it, Jack.

Draw your guns, old man.

Hold it right there, Jack.

I told you to stay the hell out of this.

I didn't--

You hold it right there!

Either you get up and face me like a man,

or not only will I kill you,

but I'm gonna kill your friend here.

And every last person in this shithole of a town.

- Shit! - Dalton?

Hey, Jack. I think you dropped something.

Dalton! You're alive?

- Yeah, Bill. - What's going on out there?

Oh, I just shot one of Two Eyed Jack's guns out of his hands

and then I said, "I think you dropped something."

I'm gonna write that down.

Dalton, get the hell out of here, boy.

Oh, no, no, no, Slim.

The resilient little Sheriff wants to climb out of his rat-hole

and join the party?

He can join the party.

Well, I think this party is pretty much over.

And I do believe that's my badge you're wearing.

Oh, this badge?

How do you think you're gonna take it from me?

Oh, I see what you're doing.

Learned all your tricks from Slim here.

That's not gonna get to me, Mr. Dalton.

What if I was eating an apple, Mr. Dalton?

Would you get irritated?

Don't think you would because you know the trick.

It's not bothering me.

Go ahead and say something, why don't you?

All right, fine, eat your apple.

I'll sit here and wait.

There. Now draw your--

Oh, for the love--

I understand what you're doing and it ain't gonna work!

"Oh! Look at me, I'm Dalton!"

I understand the trick.

Stop eating that apple!

♪

Oh, hello there, Dalton.

Hey, there, Butterfly.

You know you have someone shooting at you?

I can see that, Butterfly, but thank you.

♪

♪

Ow! Shit!

♪

Well, Mr. Dalton,

I guess you're gonna be the hero known for killing Two Eyed Jack.

Nah, I got something much worse in store for you, Jack.

I'm gonna take you in, sit you down in the middle of a cell,

and for the rest of your-- Oh, shit!

- Oh, my f-ing God! - Shit, shit! Shit!

What the hell is wrong with you?

It was an accident, Slim. I didn't mean to do that.

You shot the man during the lesson speech.

No, I was just trying to scare him and my finger slipped.

You don't shoot a man during the lesson speech.

- Oh, my God! - Hey, there, Finch.

- Dalton, you're alive! - Yeah, I'm alive!

Mr. Dalton! My heart rate hasn't been this high in a long time.

I don't know what you just said there, Mayor.

Dalton! That was so scary. I'm so glad to see you.

It's good to see you, Gail.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm okay, everybody.

Thanks for all the concern.

The chuck-wagon!

The chuck-wagon!

Hey! Hey, wait, everybody!

Now I really don't think that's a chuck-wagon.

They threatened to kill us all with this doomsday device.

Dalton, maybe we should check this out.

Let's do it, Finch.

Now, now, just wait a minute here, boys.

With me being Sheriff now, I think we should let

somebody a little more qualified handle this.

Step aside.

All right now, you dirty banditos.

You see this nice, shiny--

I don't think that's a chuck-wagon.

Kill everyone!

Bring me the doomsday device!

Take cover, everybody!

Dalton, you gotta get us out of here. We're sitting ducks.

- Door should be open, Bill. - What?

Yeah, I never did get that key, so just go ahead and push it open.

Well, Finch, looks like we're outnumbered.

Yeah, I can see that.

Watch my back, I'm going out.

♪

So, are you gonna get something or not?

You sell these barrels?

No. The barrels just hold the products. What do you want?

I really want a barrel.

Look, we're trying to close.

Say adios, amigo.

Adios, amigo. Thank you, Slim.

This shit's getting weird.

Lights out, you son of a bitch.

Oh!

What the hell? I didn't know you started using a whip!

There's a lot of things you don't know about me, Pete.

Yeah, like you, uh, being a songwriter.

You know what? I am a songwriter.

Shit, Pete. Isn't there something you always wanted to do,

something deep down inside that you just wanted to follow?

No. I like being an outlaw.

Oh, bullshit, Pete. That was always Frank's thing.

I can see it in your eyes, Pete. There's something else.

Well--

I always wanted to be a dancer.

Damn it, Pete,

you be the best dancer you can be.

- Is it too late? - Man, it's not too late.

Everybody, this is my brother Pete.

That's me.

My dancing brother Pete.

- I'm a dancer! - You little dancer...

Damn! These boys just keep coming.

Hey, Dalton, up here, man.

Oh, hey, vulture.

You know it'd be a good idea if you took out that chuck-wagon.

That's a good idea. I appreciate that.

Who the hell are you talking to, son?

Cover me, Slim.

It's a damn bubble bath out there!

♪

♪

Damn, he's good!

You humans and your puny, primitive weapons!

Our weapons may be primitive, but you--

Shit, I really need to work on my wit.

Take 'em out, Finch.

Whoa! Hey, Finch, go ahead and say it.

Say what?

- What is-- What-- What? - What?

Mr. Dalton, we gotta get out of here!

The whole town's on fire!

All right, everybody grab a bucket, get some water.

We need to put these fires out.

Son, this fire's too big.

There' nothing we can do.

Yeah, but it's Toonstone! I--

It's our home!

Where are we gonna go?

What the hell is he doing?

He's saving our town, Mayor.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

Dalton!

Speech!

All right.

I'm trying to give a speech.

What can I say?

We're all lucky to still be alive today.

But we're even more lucky to have a town full of so many heroes.

Like Slim, Finch,

Acondo, with that amazing rain-dance.

Hell, even Bill and Pete helped out.

Let's not forget Dark Owl.

I wish we could thank him somehow.

I'm sure he knows, Tom.

And each and every one of you who makes this town what it is.

You see, when I left the farm to follow my dreams,

those dreams led me here.

And now my dreams are telling me something different.

Which is why I'm stepping down as Sheriff.

Now, now, hold on, hold on.

There's a better man for the job.

Hell, he even saved my life a few times.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce to you,

if you'll have him, Sheriff Finch.

Wow!

- Wow, um-- - Hey, speech!

I would be honored if, of course, the people of Toonstone will have me.

- Dalton. - Hey, Gail.

Hi, um, I'll just go for it.

Um, we had a conversation the other day.

- Yeah. - And, you know, I--

I thought I felt a little something.

And then, you know, I read the article

and I really didn't expect to feel

like I did when I thought that you were gone.

But now, you're back and I--

- Uh-huh. - I just--

I think you're really great.

And I really think that--

I don't know, maybe,

we could be really great together.

Oh! You and me?

Yeah, you know, we talked about things.

Yeah, yeah. Oh. The thing is, uh--

- When I met you-- - Mmm-hmm.

- You were a good bit bitchy. - Oh.

And my dad, you know, he told me when I was younger

that a woman never gets less bitchy through time.

- Mmm-hmm. - And you know, like, with you,

10 years from now I could only imagine

what the bitch level would get to, you know.

Hell no, I can't-- Then we're friends, too.

And I don't wanna ruin what we have.

So-- Friends?

Uh-- Friends.

Awesome, Gail, you are something else, you know?

Uh--

I'm sorry-- Dalton!

Where are you going?

Finch, I think I'm gonna take my music on the road for a little while.

Maybe take down a bad guy or two on the way.

Oh, well, hey, wait, Slim, are you leaving, too?

Yup. Ain't no outlaws around here any more, son.

I'm gonna follow this boy and get into some trouble.

What if we need you, Dalton?

If you need me just go ahead and tell the land.

And I'll hear it.

♪

♪

Dalton, me think we're going wrong way.

Yeah, you said we were headed east.

Now, guys, just trust me. I'll explain later.

This looks so bad-ass right now, you don't even know.

Yeah, it sure does, son.

It sure does.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪