All language subtitles for S10E10 We Two Kings (HD)

- Oh, hey, Roz, can I join you?
- Sure.

May I have a latte to go, please?

And I hope they are
paying you extra to wear that.

No, but I was hoping
it would help with my tips.

Well, as you know,
my tipping policy stands firmly

on the twin pillars of courtesy
and efficiency.

But today I shall include whimsy.

Merry Christmas. Ha, ha.

- God bless you, sir.
- Well...

I'm really surprised, Frasier.

I didn't think you'd go
for something kitschy like that.

It's Christmas time.
I say let a thousand antlers bloom.

Oh, well, what a relief. Ha, ha.

Roz...

I'm working Santa's Toy Drive
at the mall.

I'm an elf.

If you needed cash,
you should've come to me.

I've got plenty of odd jobs
around the house.

It's not about money.
I'm volunteering.

Oh, well, good for you, then.

Yeah, I mean, visiting Santa Claus
at the department store

was one of my favourite memories
as a kid.

I always found him terrifying.

And inquisitorial.

When I was 7, my mom and dad
took me to the mall to see Santa.

Hmm.

They were going through their divorce
at the time, so they were barely talking.

Anyway,
when I sat down on Santa's lap,

I started to cry,
and he was just so nice.

He made me feel safe and protected.

I don't know,
it just made me feel special.

So if I could do that
for just one little kid,

you know, I'd like to do that.

I'm sorry I laughed at you, Roz.

You should be very proud
of yourself.

Thank you.
And I better go before I'm late.

Oh, right.
You know what? I'm going too.

- I'll walk with you.
- Okay.

Actually, Roz,

why don't you just go ahead?
I'm gonna get myself a scone.

Oh, hi, guys. Good to see you.

- Come in.
- Hey.

We were hoping to borrow
your wassail bowl.

Oh, I'm sorry, Niles.

I've already loaned it
to Lawrence Emerson

and his madrigal carolling group.

Well, you can kiss
that bowl goodbye, Fraiser.

The Yuletones are the bad boys
of Renaissance Christmas music.

Have you ever seen
a church common room

- after one of their performances?
- Oh.

Why don't you use the punch bowl?

It wouldn't be wassail,
it would be punch.

What's the difference?

My dad used to say that punch
makes you want to kiss the donkey

and wassail makes you want
to check it into the inn. Ha, ha.

That's very funny.

Uh, listen, Daphne, uh,
I was just wondering,

is your mom partial
to a traditional Cornwall dressing?

You see,
I'm thinking it would go splendidly

with the 12-pound Hungarian goose
that I'm serving.

Mom is spending Christmas
on a cruise.

An early Christmas present
from Niles.

Yes, I didn't think she'd go for it,

but apparently, in international waters,
they can play single-deck blackjack.

Oh.

Actually, Frasier, Daphne and I

would like to have you over
to our place for Christmas this year.

Yeah, we just put up our tree
and everything looks so lovely.

And it is our first Christmas
as a married couple.

Well, as lovely as that sounds...

Oh, come on, why not?

Well, Niles, because it's a little late
to be changing things, isn't it?

Besides, we've always had
Christmas here. It's a tradition.

Wassail, "a Christmas punch."

Frasier, you've had Christmas
for the past nine years.

Yes, but we agreed
when you hosted Thanksgiving

we would have Christmas here
in its traditional setting.

It's time to start a new tradition.

But I've had new stockings
loomed for everyone.

Now, there, you see,
you've made me spoil the surprise.

And did no one hear me say

that I have ordered
an Hungarian goose?

Which you are more than welcome
to bring over to our place.

It's not my date, it's dinner.

Honestly, Niles,
I'm really quite affronted by this.

If it means this much to him,
why don't we just let him keep it?

No, no.

There is no reason
why just this once

we can't host Christmas
at the Montana.

- Frasier's being a churl.
- You're the churl.

You're both a couple of churls.

How about a compromise?

Say, morning at one house,
afternoon at the other?

Well, that's a wonderful idea.

But who gets morning
and who gets afternoon?

Morning.

I think Niles said it first.

Dad, who do you think said it first?

I'm sick of everything
being a contest between you two.

Then you decide where
we're having Christmas.

- I'm fine with that.
- All right, I will.

Need a few days to think about it.

In the meantime, uh,
decision-making is thirsty work.

Sure could use a beer.

- Oh, I'll get it.
- No, no, I'll get it.

A little trick their mom taught me.

Don't worry, Margie,
you don't need a chimney.

Santa always finds a way in.

You have a merry Christmas, now.

- Thank you, Santa.
- Ho, ho, ho.

- Roz, hello.
- Oh, hi, Frasier.

Listen, when I'm at the North Pole,
my name is Snowflake.

- It's a little on the nose, isn't it?
- Ha, ha.

Anyway, I thought I'd drop off
a donation for the toy drive.

Thank you very much.
This is for us too?

No, no. Actually,
this is another dancing Santa for Dad.

His other one got damaged.

I thought you threw that
off the balcony.

Yes, which damaged it.

Ho, ho, ho.

Well, Polly, what would you like Santa
to bring you?

He wouldn't have to bring me anything.
Just show up.

Back off, Twinkle. I saw him first.

What's this?

Do I sense a little office romance
here at Santa's Workshop?

I wouldn't mind.

His name is Rick
and he's so sweet.

- Let me guess. He's also a hunk.
- I wouldn't know.

I haven't seen him
without his Santa getup yet,

but based on those eyes,
there's definite potential.

Ho, ho, ho,
Santa needs his favourite helper elf.

Ooh, see that?
I'm his favourite. Ha, ha.

Down, Snowflake. I've got this one.

Okay, Twinkle, you go ahead.

Oh, no, is that a zit?

Oh, Snowflake, over here.

Hi, I just got back
from the costume shop.

- I had to get my toes re-curled.
- Ah, yes.

Which reminds me,
how are things with Mr. Claus, hmm?

Oh, well, I haven't had a chance
to ask him out yet.

What's the matter? Low "elf-esteem"?

How long have you been waiting
to say that?

- Two days.
- Yeah.

I almost called you.

What's this? Niles with Dad.

I knew it.

Oh, you guys aren't still fighting
about Christmas.

He's fighting. I'm not fighting.

Well, what is the big deal?

Why don't you let him
have Christmas?

Because it's just so unfair.

What's not fair?

Oh, you wouldn't understand.

Well, come on, Frasier, talk to me.

Use your words.

It's just so egregious.

Smaller words.

I don't know.

Okay, look, it just seems that Niles
is systematically emptying my home.

We used to have
Thanksgiving dinner there. Gone.

Daphne? Gone.

If I let him have Christmas,
I'll have nothing left.

Just end up
some doddering old bachelor,

sipping tea and keeping the apartment
at a balmy 78 degrees.

And how is that different from now?

Excuse me.
I smell skulduggery afoot.

- Hey, Dad.
- Hey, Fras.

New Thermos?

Niles, I never thought
you'd stoop so low.

I have no idea
what you're talking about.

Just buying Dad some coffee
before driving him to work.

You are trying to bribe Dad
to have Christmas at your place.

Oh, and what about you buying him
the dancing Santa?

Surprising, considering
you threw his off the balcony.

You did what?

That Santa never did anything
to hurt you.

All he ever did was dance
and try to make people happy.

Yes, yes, all right, Dad.

- Why did you do it?
- Oh, all right!

Why do you have
to make everything difficult?

Excuse me, Niles,
but I've got news for you.

Copernicus called and you are not
the centre of the universe.

All right, you two, knock it off.

Let's just settle this now. Sit.

Dad, make your decision.

You know,
I'm really disappointed in you guys.

I thought if I gave you time,

you'd be mature enough
to work this out on your own.

Well, you were wrong.

All right, you know what?
I just made my decision.

I'm working Christmas. Jimmy Daley
asked me and I'm gonna do it,

because he'll be happier with his family
than I am with mine.

- Oh, Dad, you can't be serious.
- No.

We just calm down
and discuss this.

No, it's too late.

You don't need to drive me to work.
I'll call a cab.

I hope you two are happy.

You've ruined Christmas.

What a jerk.

Not nice.

Dad, um, Niles and I
would like to apologise.

It was untoward of us to argue
over where to have Christmas.

Our conduct
was self-absorbed and boorish.

Not that we deserve it,
but please accept our apologies.

Apologies accepted.

Oh, thank you, Dad.
So you'll have Christmas with us?

Oh, I'm afraid I can't.

I promised Jimmy I'd work
and I can't go back on it.

- When do you start?
- Six a.m. Twelve-hour shift.

It's double-time,
so I'm not complaining.

No, that's the whole day.

Marty, I need you to let Maintenance
into the electrical closet on 7.

Will do.

See you boys later.

Bye, Dad.

Wow.

Christmas without Dad.

It just won't be Christmas.

I know.

He's always the first one
under the tree.

Mom always said
that he was her biggest kid

because he could never wait
to open his presents.

Oh, he always puts on a brave face,

but I know he especially misses Mom
at Christmas.

Mm-hm.

Niles, where is it written

that we have to have Christmas
at either of our homes?

The Thanksgiving Accord of 2002?

No, no, what I'm saying is,
since Dad has to work,

why can't we bring
the holiday to him?

You mean,
just show up and surprise him?

I like that.

We could bring
all our gifts and food.

Or better yet,
what if the gifts were already here?

- But...
- Okay, here's what I'm thinking.

Take the gifts that are here,

put them under the tree
at my house,

get the real gifts and bring them here,
all unbeknownst to Dad.

Brilliant.

Can't you see us casually stopping
by on Christmas morning?

Hello, Dad. Merry Christmas.

Oh, it's such a shame
that you have to spend Chri...

Hello.

What's this I spy?

A present for Martin?

That's not for me. Those are fake.

Well, here's another one.

And one for Niles
and one for Daphne.

Oh, jeez, it's a miracle.

Oh, Niles,
it'll be the best Christmas we ever had.

Look, I'm getting goose bumps.

Oh, no, Niles, that's your pine rash.

- You're too close to the tree.
- Oh.

Hey. Hi, Roz.

It's me, Rick.

Oh, my God.

Rick? I didn't even recognise you.

Roz and I volunteer
down at the mall together.

Rick plays Santa.
Daphne, this is Rick. Rick, Daphne.

Oh, Roz has told me all about you.
Would you like to join us?

I'd love to,
but I have to get back to my job.

- Oh, what do you do?
- Uh, I'm an investment banker.

Could you excuse me
for one second?

Wow. Roz, you never told me
he was so gorgeous.

Oh, I've never seen him
out of his costume before.

He's successful
and he's got great taste.

Those shoes? Enrico Zaglione's.

Niles is teaching me.

Very nice to meet you, Daphne.
And I'll see you tonight, Roz?

Maybe we can take
our break together.

I snuck a bottle of schnapps
into my locker.

Yeah, maybe.

Something wrong?
You don't like schnapps?

No, no, it's just so strange
to see you without your beard.

You really should grow one.
It'll make your eyes twinkle.

Ah, I tried once.
It kind of came in in tufts.

I looked like a dog on Rogaine.

What was that?

I laughed.

- That's your laugh?
- Yeah.

Wow. At the mall, it's so booming.

I know. I hate that.

It really kills my throat.

- Very nice to meet you.
- Bye-bye.

- I'll see you later.
- Bye.

Why are you being so weird?
He seems perfect.

I don't know.
It just wasn't what I was expecting.

Something's missing.

- Like what?
- I don't know.

Well, at the mall,
he has all this warmth,

and he's got
this jolly sense of humour.

Oh, you should see him
when he laughs.

His whole stomach shakes.

Oh, my God,
you're in love with Santa Claus.

No, I'm not.

Well, it makes sense
when you think about it.

Santa's the perfect man.

He's a good listener,
he likes to travel,

he gives great presents.

- Give me a break.
- Admit it.

You want the jelly belly.

Okay, don't be gross.

You want to bang boots
with the big boy.

I gotta get to work.

You wanna get your paws
on the Claus, is more like it.

Stop it, Daphne. That's enough.

One more. You're a ho, ho, ho.

- Ah.
- Dad,

what are you doing sitting there?

I told you that we were going out
for some Christmas Eve ice cream.

Oh, I changed my mind.

Eddie and I are too bloated
from the nog.

Well, then maybe we should, uh,
take Eddie and, uh, walk it off.

Come on, mister, let's go.

No, I gotta be up early
tomorrow morning for work.

I could sure use something
to nibble on, though.

- No, no, no.
- Wait, wait, wait.

Listen, Dad is still here.

- You'll have to come back.
- No, we can't do that.

The maintenance man
in Dad's building

was so nervous
about us taking these,

I promised him we'd have our real gifts
back under his tree by 10:00.

All right, what we need
is a really good distraction.

I tell you what,
knock when you've thought of one.

Oh, what were you doing out there?

Nothing.

Thought I heard the door knock.

Hey, that's pretty good.

Oh, hello, guys.

Dad, look who it is.
It's Niles and Daphne.

I see them.

So, what brings you two here?

Good question, Frasier. Daphne?

I need your father's help
with a present.

And that's what we're doing here.

Exactly, yes.

Come on, Martin.
We can do this in my old room.

No problem.

Okay, now, real presents go out
in the hall by the door.

- Fake presents under the tree.
- Did you notice my Christmas village?

Would you like to see smoke waft
out the cobbler's chimney?

Uh, maybe later.

Frasier, I have to warn you,
these prop boxes are heavy.

Some idiot
weighed them down with bricks.

Just our luck.

We get the only method
lobby decorator in all of Seattle.

How much time do you think
Daphne can buy us?

Not much, they're just putting batteries
in the digital camera we're giving you.

- Act surprised.
- Right.

- I said I'd get them.
- You'll never find them.

How could you ask me to put batteries
and not bring any batteries?

Now, boys, you know the rules.
No shaking the presents.

You see, Niles, I told you.

Found them. Let's go.

Daphne, no more surprises.

You mean
like finding your father here

when the apartment's
supposed to be empty?

Well, you can blame that on the nog.

Frasier, I don't think
I'm going to sleep tonight.

I feel like I'm 10 years old.

Yes, only this time,
we have the merry task of being Santa.

Niles, I'm so sorry that we almost
ruined Christmas with our arguing.

- I just took that.
- No, you didn't.

Yes, I did,
I know because that's real,

and all the fake ones are out
in the pile by the door.

- By the elevator door?
- No, by the apartment door.

That's where all the fake ones are.

Great. Now what do we do?

- Oh, all right, you take these.
- Yes.

- Give me these.
- Fine.

- Here we go.
- All right.

What do we...?

- Where do we go?
- How the hell should I know?

That's a flat head
and I need a Phillips head.

See, I told you if you rearranged them,
they'd look fuller.

Yes, yes, I see what you mean, Niles.
It's all a matter of perspective.

Wow, it looks like twice as many.

Put them back the way they were
and show me how you did that.

Got the Phillips. Let's go.

He could be an assassin
in those slippers.

Are you two gonna switch the presents
or are you gonna stand arguing

about whose Christmas village
is bigger?

I knew it, you didn't compliment mine
because you have one too.

I didn't compliment yours
because yours is so poorly laid out.

We don't have time for this.
Now, which ones are which?

- I've got it all organised here.
- Are you sure?

Yes. These are the real ones.

These go to Dad out in the hall
and we'll take them together.

- Fine.
- Good, good.

- Then, here. Now we're all set.
- All right.

- All the fake ones are under the tree.
- Yes.

You put those in the elevator.
I'll tell Daphne the coast is clear.

Do you have any idea
how much I paid for that?

Well, it's not my fault.

Those little plastic hinges snap off
if you look at them.

Now, what am I supposed to give
as a gift now?

Oh, stop crying-

Put a little duct tape on it.
It'll be good as new.

It was new.

Here, Daphne,
I'll help you find the tape.

What's the matter, boy?

Too much eggnog, huh? Ha, ha.

Okay.

Hey, Daph?

Be sure and use the silver duct tape,
not the brown.

The silver will match the camera.

Oops. I mean, uh, the present.

I'm taking Eddie for a walk.

Wait, Dad. I'll do that.
You should just relax.

No, that's all right.
I need the fresh air.

Oh, what's this? More presents?

Is this why you were trying
to keep me busy back there?

- Yes.
- Oh.

Well, you didn't need to do that.
Bring them on in.

Frasier, give your brother a hand.

Mix them all up so it'll look fuller.

- Merry Christmas. Ha, ha.
- Merry Christmas.

- Niles.
- Hi.

So how are you?

Well, uh, tired and a little poorer.

I had to bribe the maintenance man

at Dad's building
to get him to stay late.

Which reminds me,
on your next show,

you have to give something called
"a shoutout" to a Steve Gomez.

- Right.
- This is so exciting.

I can't wait to see your father's face

when we go over there
and surprise him.

Merry Christmas.

Dad, uh, what are you doing here?

Yeah,
aren't you supposed to be at work?

Boss called. I don't have to go in.

Seems he was feeling guilty about
my missing Christmas with my family.

Ooh, heavy.

This must be a good one.

Unless it's a book.

But who's covering the desk?

Nobody.
She's shut down tight till tomorrow.

Now, I have just enough patience
to wait for cocoa

before I start tearing into these.

Um, Dad.

Don't tell me there's no cocoa.

Hello?

Hello?

You'd think there'd be a custodian
or someone in there.

Ah, I knew it was a long shot.

There won't be anybody in
till tomorrow morning.

Sorry, Dad.

Oh, forget it.

That was a really sweet gesture.

It would've been terrific,

but I've already received my gift.

You know, we could throw a brick
through the glass,

but they're all wrapped up
under our tree.