Original subtitles

Today is the day my sister was supposed to get married.

Who was that?

I want to cancel the wedding.

Oh, no!

What's going to happen? Is Stefan going to leave Lucy?

Perhaps he'll join the army, go to war and die.

Lucy might have a rebound fling

with a 23-year-old driving instructor,

get chlamydia and die.

So much jeopardy!

What a moment of tension.

I want to cancel the wedding.

Well, you can't.

Oh!

And so it came to be that any chance of drama was dispelled.

The happy couple were wed and live...

MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYS

Once upon a time, I went to the wedding of two people I hated,

and I kept crying, even though I didn't care about them

or their happiness.

The first dance,

children chasing after each other,

proud elderly relatives -

everything moved me.

That's why using a wedding in a television programme is cheating,

like when a talent show puts sad music

under a contestant's boring backstory.

Intellectually, you know, I don't give a flying shit

about his nan's battle with acne,

but try telling your heart that.

Try telling your blurry eyes.

We'll be steering clear of those synthetic,

manipulated emotions today.

What we're looking for is what's real.

Why not?

Because it's bad luck to bring a married lover

to your daughter's wedding.

But you said... I changed my mind.

Yeah, but that's not fair... Are you staying with Yvonne?

It's not that simple.

Well, I think you should tell her.

And I think you should get out.

Of here, not there.

Actually, I don't care what you do, as long as I don't know about it.

But I've taken the day off work.

Go, Simon...

..before I do something I regret,

like kick you in the balls.

Go on!

Goodbye.

HE SIGHS

Oh, and I blocked you on Facebook,

so you needn't bother any more with your aubergine emojis

and your otter videos.

I won't see them.

DOOR CLOSES

Weddings and stories are cheating

because they're used as a full stop -

"And then they got married. The end."

Don't ask any questions about what happens afterwards

because you won't like the answers.

Happily ever after.

We lie repeatedly to children and then wonder why adulthood

is so disappointing.

You know my dad's not rich, right?

Why do you hate me?

I don't.

I don't hate you, I see through you.

You wanted to be more important in the show,

so you gate-crashed my life by shagging my dad

in my mum's house. No!

Oh! Excuse me?

Your dad helped me.

Said he knew someone with a spare room,

someone who could do with a bit of money coming in.

He's lying.

I'm lodging with your mum.

What?

Your dad's sleeping on the sofa.

It's not just you who overlooks me in their story.

Everybody does.

I work every day, three jobs for a minimum wage,

where I give other people what they want,

and they forget to say thank you.

How did I get this so wrong? Oh, come on.

COUPLE GIGGLE

OK, now.

OK, good luck. Love you.

Can you pick...?

GLASS CLINKS

Hello, and thank you for coming.

Some people say, "Why spend all this money on a wedding

"when there are people sleeping rough on the streets?"

MAN COUGHS

You said that.

Yes, I said that, in the car on the way here,

in a last-ditch attempt to prove to my sister

how selfish getting married is.

Boo!

Shut up, Steve.

What could be more selfish than trying to own another person,

making them have your surname,

saying that they can't shag anyone but you.

Tell your dad that.

LAUGHTER

But then Lucy told me that Stefan...

HE SOBS

I want to cancel the wedding.

What? I wasn't crying.

MEN LAUGH

Even though he backed down immediately,

I learned something from Stefan.

When he thought that Lucy might not love him...

He was wrong!

..he tried to free her.

I love him!

THEY LAUGH

And, so, I realise now that marriage is not a form of confinement,

of pinning someone down, but an unselfish offering of yourself.

ALL: Aww!

THEY APPLAUD

Give the people what they want.

But I do mean it.

A toast, then, to not being selfish.

ALL: To not being selfish!

Apart from you.

MAN LAUGHS

All done?

May I sit with you?

I've been meaning to tell you something.

I've not been...completely honest about why my wife...

Why...I'm here alone.

She left me.

Two years ago.

Suddenly hated our lives together.

Blamed me.

She wanted to go to couples therapy, but I wouldn't. Waste of time.

Load of bloody nonsense.

Therapy is theft.

Agreed.

But I wanted it to work.

Because I'd thrown away so much.

I lost...

..you...

..and the girls.

And it's like you said...

..maybe a happy ending justifies all the horrible stuff along the way.

I know.

I'm so sorry.

Only took 30 years.

Although, you know, our story does have a happy ending,

you and me.

It's today.

We made a person, and she's getting married.

WHISPERS: Oh...

ALL: Aww.

Don't get distracted by my dad

pretending to be caring and considerate.

My point is what it then made Mum do.

I've never thought of it like that.

You should feel... It's my big day!

SHE LAUGHS

BRIDE GIGGLES

So, you saw him this morning? Mm-hm.

Fuck tradition.

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess so.

Yeah, definitely.

I don't even believe in bad luck.

Ta-da!

SARA GASPS

MUM GIGGLES

And thus, tradition was fucked.

LAUGHTER

Well, I paid for all this.

HUBBUB

My day.

My parents' love lives mean I can't take any of this seriously.

To the mother of the bride!

Oh, that's me!

To the mother of the bride!

THEY CHEER

Who, incredibly, is not the most selfish person in the room.

KNOCK AT DOOR

We need to talk.

I know now isn't the greatest time.

I babysit enough as it is, Jim.

You should be at the registry office!

We never even tried, you and me.

Maybe we should give it a go, for Marie.

Thank you, Daddy.

Wh-why?

Er, oh...

Did you get cold feet?

I got cold everything.

I don't know, it's like, I'm 35.

What have I achieved?

My best friend's getting married.

I just thought it's time that I grew up and got married as well.

What a drama queen. He's the male you.

Oh, my God.

And if I was going to marry anyone, it would be you.

The same person your best friend is marrying?!

I didn't think through the details.

Is this because of the boobs?

What? These sudden feelings.

Er...

I don't know. Maybe.

Get up.

And that's how the best man won.

APPLAUSE

Me. I'm be the best man.

No more sharing it.

He got relegated to not the best man with the rest of you losers,

because there are no good men here.

How did you outrun an Uber?

Oh, no. What's going on?

Don't look. Don't look, it's bad luck.

My best man proposing to my fiancee?

Sorry, mate.

Can't say I blame him.

ALL: Aww.

Yucksville.

THEY LAUGH

ALL: Aww.

Fucking, "Aww."

This is the bullshit that gives people false ideals,

makes them think that other people are living lives full of magic

and romance rather than boredom and pain.

No, no, don't...

Stop talking, right? Everyone is looking at you.

GUESTS MURMUR

Surely, the fact that divorce exists undermines marriage.

"Oh, I promise to never leave you.

"Unless, of course, I want to."

"Then I'll move to America with your mum's friend Bernie."

Bernie was a bitch. "And I'll see you when I see you."

Sara, no.

Promising you're going to try and make someone happy

only means that you're going to try.

And grow.

And learn.

WOMAN: Oh, that's true.

And listen.

And try.

Not because they can't leave, but because you hope

that if you try your best,

they'll never want to.

ALL: Aww.

Yeah, "Aww."

I know you all think that Stefan is so amazing

and caring and devoted.

And, of course, he is,

because I wrote him.

Hmm?

That is a fictional man,

invented by a woman, me,

trying to imagine what a really selfless hero might be like.

This, him,

it's unrealistic.

I just want you to be happy.

Carol!

I'll make you a dress.

THEY LAUGH

SHE SCREAMS

Carol!

Are you all right?

I learned to knit.

How is it four? Ah...

That's why I've never had a successful relationship,

because I'm too good at inventing them.

I have too clear an idea of what I want,

and it's clearly too much.

Would you like to meet my brother?

I knew I had a brother when I was growing up.

I knew it because I missed him.

He's the person who would have stuck up for me and protected me.

When I got a boyfriend, he'd have threatened.

Treat her well, or you'll have me to answer to.

And when Craig didn't treat me well,

when he dumped me in a wedding dress shop at two in the afternoon,

ten days after proposing...

I'd have gone round there and said I was very disappointed.

Beaten him up.

I'm a lover, not a fighter.

But you look after me.

Of course.

Oh, yeah,

the reason he's American.

Different parents.

He's sexy. So sexy.

And he can't break up with me because we're technically related.

GUESTS BOO

Oh, shut up.

Shut up.

My point is, we all fantasise about loving someone

who won't leave us, someone that it's safe to trust.

You call it marriage.

I call it... Incest.

GUESTS GASP

Right, that's it.

We are all lying to ourselves.

This is not how an actual person behaves.

All strong and thoughtful and perfect.

Yeah, no,

Sara's right.

I'm not real.

I made him say that, because I'm the writer.

I wrote it down, and then he has to say it.

You're the cleverest girl in all the world.

Thank you, myself, for writing that down for you to tell me.

I'm not real, either.

MAN: Cut! BELL RINGS

Just a really good actor.

I was insulted when Sara cast me saying we look like sisters.

Don't worry about that hurting my feelings.

I wrote that as well.

Oh! Have you come to stop me?

Am I destroying the artifice that we've created?

No, it's still fictional.

I wrote your entrance on a computer.

You were cast by a second AD based on a photograph from an agency.

The lovely Lee. I got sent your measurements

and then got you some dweeby clothes so that you'd look like crew.

Would you like to say something?

No, you can't reply.

I would have to pay you an extra £300 as a speaking role.

And we're already over budget because somebody - me -

scripted an all-cast episode in a marquee.

ALL: Aww.

You do as I tell you, because I'm in control.

I'm better than a best man.

I'm God.

MICROPHONE SCREECHES

Sorry. Did that seem arrogant?

MAN: Oh, dear.

Can I talk to you?

Why aren't you saying my lines?

BOTH: Stop doing this.

This is the bit where you apologise to me.

I deserve an apology.

Time for the real truth, don't you think?

GUESTS MURMUR

WOMAN: So, we're not at a wedding?

There is no one truth.

That's what you're finding unbearable.

This struggle is because you want to be right.

No.

Yes.

It's because you lie.

It's made me obsessed.

What's true?!

What can I believe?

You can't ever know what another person is thinking.

Yeah, I know that. You can't feel their feelings.

Yes. Can you truly know them?

It's not fair.

You wrote me, and still you don't understand me.

Yes.

Do you know why?

You're a real person.

You created yourself, this world, and a fake family,

hoped, by this point, your dad would make sense.

Yes.

You hoped, if you put it in a story, with an ending...

..it would stop making you sad.

I thought I could come up with a sentence, like,

"People are good and bad all at the same time,"

or, "People can leave you and still love you."

Or, "Adulthood is a prison for children that didn't die."

And I thought...

..it would make everything OK.

HE LAUGHS WEAKLY

Lies and stories are very similar.

If you want my advice...

You should've put some jokes in this bit.

MUFFLED PARTY MUSIC

SHE SIGHS

What I hate about happy endings is how much I want one.

♪ It's all about you tonight

♪ And how love is all around you

♪ Finally it found you

♪ It's all about you

♪ So take what you need

♪ It's all right

♪ Just let the love surround you

♪ Finally it found you

♪ It's all about you...♪

What's the point of happiness if it doesn't last?

Stupid thing to say.

Of course we have a future. Everyone has.

But your complete refusal to discuss ours makes me think that we don't.

Are you breaking up with me at a wedding?

Finally, some delicious drama.

Yeah, break up a wedding.

Give me my friend back!

Stop pushing me.

In a month's time, we are going to have a son.

Yes. And we can talk about that in a month's time.

But you're keeping it all to yourself.

All of the baby, all of you.

I'm so lonely.

Good! Be lonely.

Loneliness is real.

Yes! More drama.

SIRENS WAIL

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, it's funny how things end up, isn't it?

It really is.

SHE LAUGHS

It's been fun.

SIREN WHOOPS

Let go, eh? I'm not a conga.

Lewis?

Where are you going? Oh, shit.

SHE GASPS

He's here!

Have you seen my stepfather?

Lewis!

I've killed no-one. But they'll never believe me.

GLASSWARE SMASHES

SHE GASPS

You're Bernie's son.

Yeah.

Yippee!

He's my brother, but we're not related.

She's not using her cards or passport.

Lewis told me she'd gone skiing,

but that was four months ago.

Are you sure?

I mean, he's a shit husband, but he never murdered me.

He killed her so he could get back with me.

HE GASPS

It's not that, Mum.

SHE SIGHS

Sometimes a revenge body can be too powerful.

Sara falls in love?

This isn't satisfying, is it?

My dad,

all people,

are good and bad at the same time.

GUESTS: Rubbish! Boo!

People can leave you and still love you.

GUESTS BOO

Even I don't believe this. What a load of crap.

Adulthood is a prison for children who...

GUEST: Boo.

Boo.

Why couldn't you just let me have a nice wedding?

Because I wanted to be truthful, didn't I?

There's no such thing as a happy ending,

because the only true ending is death.

What are you doing?

Being happy.

Get out.

Today was the best day of my life.

Oh, you look so beautiful.

She'll get old.

Yep.

All of us are going to die one day.

Even me?

What's the point, Sara? This won't last forever, so...?

"This omelette won't last until the end of time,

"so I'd better not eat this omelette."

Yeah, "Oh, these socks are going to wear out,

"so I'd better walk around barefoot."

HE LAUGHS

This is bigger than socks and eggs.

This is about...

Fear.

Yes.

Fear of feeling things.

I'm really scared.

Feelings are just chemicals.

You're my family.

Aww.

Guess who snogged Bernie's son!

SHE LAUGHS

GUESTS: Whoa-ho-ho!

Oh!

Revenge is best served cold.

THEY CHEER

Please, don't let any of this undermine the point

I'm trying to make about how the human experience is mostly misery.

Happiness is fleeting.

OK, everyone, I've got an announcement.

We mustn't worship it. We mustn't expect it.

Stefan and I...

We're having a baby! No!

No!

I can't end on a pregnancy.

This isn't fair.

There is literally nothing more literally the start

than a pregnancy.

Having a baby is really bad for the environment.

Oh!

If everybody stops having children, we can all stop...

Ah, never mind.

MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYS