Original subtitles

A very stupid man once told me...

There are no facts, only interpretations.

That is not an appropriate answer.

Why didn't she accompany you to your daughter's wedding?

That's Friedrich Nietzsche, by the way.

Well, does he know where your wife is?

CHUCKLING: Don't be silly.

She's dead. What?

He's dead.

Nietzsche's dead.

Like his God.

Why won't you give me a straight answer?

That was a great joke there.

I thought you were supposed to like comedy?

I don't like comedy - it's my job. I'm not, like, a comedy fan.

You know, stress causes cancer.

I'm actually quite successful, Dad. Thanks for asking.

You might want to - like the kids say - take a chill pill.

Did Mum tell you this is a TV show?

I know you interpret it as a TV show.

But is that a fact?

Yes, a fact!

You might be in an asylum somewhere, imagining all this.

Mum! Dad says I might be in an asylum!

If you're going to stay here, Lewis,

you need to stop with the mind games.

That's if I even am here. SARA MOANS

MARIACHI BAND PLAYS

Shh!

POP!

DOOR SLAMS

Lucy's not here.

If you'd waited when I asked... Why would I wait? I'm furious.

Where is she?

She's, erm, somewhere else.

I need to talk to someone who hates Dad.

Have you met him yet?

He came round, but...

But I hid.

Where?

Don't be ashamed, Stefan. You did the right thing.

Your sister told me to.

Well... What?

If you don't want to be compared to an SS officer, don't sound like one.

IN GERMAN ACCENT: "Oh, I was just following orders."

Was that German?

I'm sorry to be taking my fury out on you, Stefan,

but people who blame other people for what they do?

Well, they seem a bit spineless.

No, you're wrong with that, actually.

I doubt that, Stefan.

Because if you're trying to support someone

and you're doing things for them because... For them because...

What else is she making you do?

She's very bossy.

She once made her RE teacher cry by locking him in a cupboard.

Did you know that?

No.

Are your parents still together?

Yeah. You've met them.

They hosted you all for Christmas last year.

We all went to Greece!

You don't get any of this, then, I suppose.

Also, where's Lucy? What is it?

Tasting napkins? Judging veils? Measuring marquees?

What is it a bride gets up to the fortnight before the wedding?

She's, erm...

Just pretend I'm a rank above you in the Nazi party...

IN GERMAN ACCENT: ..and tell me what I want to know.

Honesty, please.

How's the jet lag?

OK, I think.

I couldn't find the bathroom in the night.

Well, I've moved. It's a different house.

Oh, how fun.

You never lived here.

CHUCKLING: Oh, right.

You hungry?

Erm... I'm not cooking for you.

Then, no.

Oh, I should tell you.

Lucy's asked me to give her away.

Give her away? Why?

At the wedding?

Oh, that's good. That's good.

I don't do ceremonial.

Did Bernie not come because she's scared of me?

She's on a yoga retreat in Bali.

Cos I wouldn't have hit her again.

How are you?

Oh, really well, yeah.

You seem great.

Yeah.

SHE CHUCKLES

Yeah.

You should be proud of yourself.

Uh-oh. Hmm.

Must have been...hard.

Oh, no. No.

No. I'm sorry if you think I should have been nearer.

Oh, no, not really. SHE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY

Erm... SIMON: All right?

Oh, good morning, sleepyhead. Here he is.

SHE GIGGLES

BOTH: Mmm. THEY CHUCKLE

SMOOCHING

You must be the ex-husband.

HE STRAINS

Thanks for keeping her warm for me.

That came out wrong.

Thank God none of this is really happening, eh?

BEEPING

A very stupid man once told me

there are no facts. SOBBING

We assemble a reality which suits us -

ignoring bits, denying stuff.

DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS

How'd it go with the breast... Erm, um, the consultation?

Did you tell Sara?

She came here looking for you.

I told you not to.

Don't want her to know till after it's done. I know.

Ugh, you don't have to tell everyone the truth.

She said something.

Of course she did, she's an opinionated bitch.

It's really helpful, though, going through it all.

You know that I... Yeah.

It's not to do with you, though, is it?

TV IN BACKGROUND

I just want you to be happy.

Good.

TV: ..and they couldn't keep secrets.

We assemble a reality that suits us - ignoring bits, denying stuff.

As somebody who's been lied to, I have seen this happen.

Watched somebody construct a fiction

then call me mad for doubting it.

I always asked him, "Are you sure Debbie doesn't like you?"

He was so on edge around her, wouldn't hold my hand.

"She's so pretty." I tested him, and he failed by disagreeing.

What was I accusing him of?

Nothing.

And then he left me, told me he needed to be alone.

But he meant alone with her.

He married Debbie two months after he'd been supposed to marry me.

How can I help you?

I was here with my daughter.

Oh, yes? Lucy?

You said she was flat-chested.

Oh, yes. Lucy.

Anyway, I can't stop thinking about a dress you've got.

She's changed her mind?

Oh, no, not her. No, it's for me.

I didn't realise!

Congratulations! THEY LAUGH

Yeah, erm...

Oh!

Do you think I'm being silly?

He hasn't proposed.

Oh, he will!

Do you think? You're glowing. SHE GIGGLES

WHISPERING: Oh, God.

Do you believe in fate?

Because we were next to each other at a self-service checkout

in Marks & Spencer, you know, both serving ourselves,

and now it's like we can...

..I mean, not serve each other - no, that's not right, but...

..move on to one of the proper checkouts.

Happy ever after.

Oh, really? Think so?

SARA: We all assemble a reality which suits us.

I accepted what Craig told me

and denied and ignored everything that didn't make sense to me.

But half my life later, I'm still decrypting and replaying,

trying to work out which parts of our relationship were true.

Look, just let me get changed and then we'll go for a coffee.

I hate coffee!

I don't hate coffee.

It was deja vu.

Infidelity.

Exactly what Dad had done to Mum, done to me.

Don't hate me.

I'm a really great guy.

What if I'm programmed?

What if we learn from what we've seen and are doomed to repeat it?

I didn't know how I chose someone like Dad,

and so I didn't know how not to choose someone like him again.

And so what I've done is I've chosen no-one.

Take a seat and I'll be with you in a minute.

I can trust you, can't I?

You'll never betray me.

Let me go.

This is my Dad.

Dad, meet Luna. Hi.

We're not eating.

We're here to have a row.

Sara is going to air her grievances.

This is a cafe. You've got to order something.

We all need certain things to confirm our existence.

A cafe must sell food and have it consumed on the premises

to assure herself she's not mere space.

Yeah.

She has her purpose.

Also, you know, money.

HE CHUCKLES

Money is another idea we've all bought into, excuse my pun.

I'll be back in a minute.

I need to know some things.

PHONE VIBRATES AND DINGS

There is no-one here of that name.

HE SWALLOWS

Ready for my telling-off.

I'm not telling you off. I just want to know...

Do we ever know anything?

I can't do this.

That wasn't too bad.

Infidelity is the ultimate in dual realities.

You think you're living one life... SHE GIGGLES

..and it turns out to be another.

Hmm?

They promised you one thing and did someone else.

It's over, Sara.

I can't do this.

In an attempt to know my enemy, I asked why.

I didn't ask my actual enemy, Debbie Big Tits,

I asked science, because some facts are less open

to interpretation than others.

Hi. Being paired up with one person your whole life

is what a biologist would call bad mating strategy.

Sure, you might share your genes with a future generation,

but they won't be particularly varied

as you've mixed them all with the same person.

THEY NATTER AND MAN GROANS

Males and females both benefit from multi-partnering

because they can impregnate or be impregnated by more people,

leading to a wider dispersion of their genes.

As human children need so much care,

it makes sense for humans to stay in their bonded pairs

and then have extra mates on the side. Shh.

You bastards.

What we modern people might call cheating is, annoyingly,

the most effective way of continuing the human race.

A cynic might say that,

"All monogamous relationships are doomed."

Now get on the dance floor for the disco. Yeah.

TV: This could not get any worse for them.

Mm. Did you not tell them it's your stag do?

Erm, yeah.

Celebrating your last days of freedom

and you're baby-sitting someone else's kid.

Yours.

Yes. Yours, Daddy.

Sala! Where's Juicy?

Can you not call her that?

Relax, man. It's just a nickname.

Mummy's getting bigger boobs.

Of course! She's finally getting them done?

I was always saying she should do it.

She could have done glamour stuff if she'd got them done sooner,

when she was young and that.

I didn't want her to.

I love her as she is.

Was.

They had a row, Daddy.

Ha! She's always been insecure about them, though, hasn't she?

I might put that in my best man's speech.

Can I hear your speech, actually?

17-0! Yeah!

You shouldn't let me get in your head.

Concentrate, Stefan.

Yeah.

TAPPING ON GLASS

My sister asked me to be her best man

because all the other men in her life are the worst.

It should be me!

I'm still in love with you, Lucy!

Change your mind! SHE SNIGGERS

Please, don't say that.

It's funny. That's Daddy's joke.

It might upset her. He does it all the time.

W... All right, what about this?

Usually the best man doesn't sleep with the bride

until after the wedding...

What? That's not a thing.

Well, all right, then I can riff on being

the best man that she ever had.

Oh, I'm out of beer.

I'll go to the shops.

I'll see you in a bit.

DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS

You'll never believe this, bubba, but he used to be a laugh.

Also, there's beer in the fridge.

Alone. Cosy. Lovely.

Reading my self-help literature.

♪ I'm... ♪

No, I'm not being hounded by the past.

'80s MUSIC PLAYS

No! No, I'm reading. I'm not thinking about him.

I'm... MUSIC RESUMES

I'm reminiscing.

I want to see my dad.

You don't exist and you don't have a dad.

I want to see him.

I can show you his Facebook page.

You've already looked at his Facebook page three times today.

HE CHUCKLES

Why are you here?

You mean, why are you communing with the manifestation

of your 16-year-old abortion?

I think I can express things you can't.

So, you want to see Craig.

I need to.

Which means I do.

"I do." Don't. HE LAUGHS

It's funny because he dumped you

when he saw you in your wedding dress.

Is it?

FIREWORKS FIZZLE AND POP

This is so wonderful.

Lovely stuff.

I feel like no time has passed at all, the time we were apart.

Thank you, Marks & Spencer.

Can't stop smiling. SHE CHUCKLES

Everyone's mentioned it.

I've got a new lease of life myself.

And I think it's for keeps this time.

FIREWORK THUNDERS

What do you mean?

This is it.

GLASS CHINKS It.

FIREWORKS FIZZLE

It's very good, the sex.

HE CHUCKLES

You've aged like a fine, wrinkly wine.

SHE LAUGHS

Yeah, but, you know...

Also - us.

Mmm?

I think we should do something crazy.

Thorpe Park.

Let's get married.

Let's go to Thorpe Park.

What do you think?

I think we're married already.

No, we're not. Not us.

Me and Yvonne.

FIREWORKS RUMBLE

Yvonne?

I'm sure I mentioned it.

When?

I assumed you knew.

FIREWORKS POP

Can you get the fuck out of my house, please?

What about Thorpe Park?

Oh, come on, now.

Don't be like this.

Can I eat my dip first?

Fine.

You might as well stay for dinner.

So we all live a dual reality.

Culture giving us one set of instructions,

while our biology tempts us with a contradictory set.

Knowing this doesn't make it hurt any less, unfortunately.

I'm not telling you to forgive anybody.

UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS

Lifting a dove to heaven.

Reach up for the olive branch.

Up for the olive branch.

Now get your fishing rods.

You've all got one.

And I hope you haven't forgotten a gilet, it'll be the death of you.

It's time to...

..catch the fish.

Feed the crowd.

Tear the loaf. Throw the fish.

Tear the loaf. Where are they all coming from?

Tear the loaf.

Throw the fish.

Who's in the courtyard?

Row the boat, ladies.

WOMAN: Hallelujah. Whoo!

DOOR SHUTS

It's not bad news about the op?

Oh, no. Her phone's still off. I haven't heard anything.

So what do you want to talk to me about?

You could have just DM-ed me.

You didn't have to come all the way next door.

I'm avoiding my stag do.

He hasn't left my house in two days.

You're always hiding.

Right little Anne Frank.

Funny you should say that.

I am funny.

Am I being stupid?

Probably.

Lucy doesn't still have feelings for Jim?

Well, last I heard, she was marrying you. I know.

But it occurred to me that...

..if I was second best...

If there was something that she wanted but couldn't have, then,

well, that wouldn't be right, then, would it?

At my old work, if at lunch time they ran out of jacket potatoes,

I'd have the vegetable cannelloni.

A hungry person's got to eat. You take what's available.

That's not very reassuring.

Actually, Stefan...

You want some good advice? Here it is.

Trust your instincts.

They always know.

They go all, "Jingle, jangle, something's up," and...

..you ignore them because, you know, you want to be wrong.

You want a chance to be happy.

You think, "Oh, no, not again."

TEARFULLY: What's wrong with me?

SHE SOBS

I'm sorry, mate, I'm pissed.

You'll make a great son-in-law.

You're the vegetable cannelloni we can all rely on.

LUNA: Hey. Where's your dad?

I don't know.

He wrote me a poem.

Sorry.

So sad about his wife getting lost in the Amazon.

Oh, God, Bernie? Is she... That's not true.

He lies. Remember?

He sold me a statue.

That belonged to the council.

That's cool.

My dad's a hairdresser.

OK. I'll be back.

Oh, your mum told me about Lucy!

Yeah. She's getting married. Getting her tits done.

Yeah.

May as well just jump straight in.

I need to know some stuff.

Was it tits - with Debbie?

Was it because I... No!

You mustn't think that badly of me.

Was it just general better body stuff?

She's sexier. I couldn't compete.

No. You asked me all that at the time.

Did I?

Screamed it through my letterbox. Did I?

Scared Debbie.

Don't remember.

You said it didn't start until... Until after we'd...

But it did, didn't it?

HE SIGHS

Why... Why do you want to know all this now?

Because what I feel and what you told me don't add up,

and if I've got the facts, then,

well, was it because of the abortion?

Because I always thought if I had the baby...

If I'd had the baby, then you never would have left.

You would have...

Try telling that to Debbie.

No. Why?

Well, we've got two kids, haven't we, and we're separated.

I thought you knew that.

No.

I thought that's why you'd come.

No.

Thought Carla told you.

Assumed you wanted another go on the good horse Craig.

I always liked how your low self-confidence made you do stuff.

What will you be having?

Nothing.

DOOR OPENS

Human sight has many gaps. It's over, Sara.

The pupil darts around quickly, taking in information

and the spaces in-between, the brain makes up

based on what was there last time or what should be there.

Our brain fills the gaps with what we expect to see.

It's over, Sara.

I can't do this.

Our eyes, as I'm sure you're aware, are easily tricked.

We don't really know people. Not all of it. Not everything.

We fill in a lot of gaps by ourselves,

which is the most poetic way I can tell you that

your ex was always a dick. You just didn't notice.

MARIACHI BAND PLAYS

MUSIC STOPS SUDDENLY

Are you following me? What are you doing here?

Shower's free. I'll stick the kettle on.

No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!

Tea?

Parents should go dormant like volcanoes

and not continue exploding all over my life!

What is it you're running here, Mum? Some kind of sex cult?

How is this my fault? How is everything always my fault?

She's only being fine with it to prove some point.

This is life, Sara. Get over it. What is it you're trying to prove?

Can you understand what they're saying? I'm saying he's married!

Why is he having sleepovers?

I'm married. We can all be married, Sara. We're adults.

Adulthood is a prison... WASHING MACHINE WHIRS

..for children who didn't die.

Oh, you look lovely, sweetheart.

She looks like Judas.

Oh, dear. Dad, she's younger than me!

Loads of people are younger than you.

I was planning to wear that to the wedding.

It's a fertility cloak.

You've gone too far.

I think we all need to relax, hmm?

Marijuana?

I'm going.

What about some nice, relaxing Linda McCartney sausages? Mm.

DOOR SLAMS

SHE SIGHS

WHISPERING: Hi. Why are you whispering?

Erm, Lucy's asleep. She's in a lot of pain still.

Why?

Oh. She had it done?

Did it go all right? Is she OK?

Yeah. Are you OK?

It's not about me. I just want her to be happy.

Pah.

Excuse me, but, pah.

Happy? What happy person chooses to be cut open for no medical reason?

I don't know. I don't understand it, but...

Happy people don't behave like that.

But I'm over it. It's done.

Who cares what we think, eh?

When she wakes up, tell her dad's been getting it on

with a girl in her 20s and I'm going to have him deported.

RECEDING FOOTSTEPS

SHE GROANS

Who was that?

It was, erm...

I want to cancel the wedding.

JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS

♪ Light hits a prism and splits as it slows

♪ Just as life is a prism

♪ And that's how it goes Oh, that's how it goes

♪ But there's babies ever-growing every day

♪ Cells multiplying in every single way

♪ Except the cell that we're trapped in

♪ That cell shrinks with us

♪ Schwinks, schounce, bo-oh. ♪