Original subtitles

You thought he was gone forever.

You thought the nightmare was done.

WOMAN MOANS

MAN LAUGHS AND WOMAN GIGGLES

For 20 years...

MAN: Sara ruined Monopoly. SHE SIGHS

..you haven't heard his name.

WOMAN MOANING: Si-mon!

Your mum's ex-boyfriend. KETTLE WHISTLES

If I was your father, you'd have some respect.

He's back.

And this time...

THEY SCREAM

..he's in his briefs.

Happening now.

That reminds me - I bumped into Simon.

Bumped into?

Is that what the kids are calling it now, hmm?

THEY CHUCKLE AND SHE RETCHES

MARIACHI BAND PLAYS

POP!

You remember Simon!

Oh, Mum, what? No! Nice to see you all again.

I can see all of you again.

Oh, so uptight!

You'd never think she was conceived in Paris.

Gross!

Is he the one who stole our car?

I think he was the con man.

I've got my own car.

Did you used to have long hair?

Erm, no. And I can hear you.

So he's not that one from Morris dancing, then.

Maybe he's... I know!

He ruined Christmas. Yeah.

Shouty Grinch Steve.

Simon! Shouty Grinch Simon.

He threw the Monopoly top hat at my head!

He said I was cheating at Scrabble because I knew too many words.

Right, well, if you don't like it, you can always get out.

Why is he here, Mum? How could you do this to us?

To you?

My house, my vagina.

FILM REEL CLICKS WOMAN GROANS

Seems reasonable. Fair play.

It's her life. She can shag as many terrible men as she likes.

GIGGLING And she only likes terrible men.

But - and I don't know if I've told you this already -

I used to be a child.

My mum's house was my house.

I had no choice but to live with her.

No choice over who she went out with.

No choice over who was there at breakfast.

I hated every single one of my mother's boyfriends

because I had no choice in when they left her,

no choice in how they hurt her.

There was no point celebrating her joy when she met somebody new.

I needed all of my energy for her sadness when they were gone.

Ho, ho, ho!

So, how long has this been going on?

Sugar. Simon!

Ooh, sounds like a job interview.

I'm very reliable and good working as part of a team, honest.

I was talking to my mum.

You haven't answered the question.

None of your business.

Oh, guess what, Simon?

Lucy - the beautiful one - she's going to get married

in...less than three weeks.

Oh! Congratu-bloody-lations. MUM CHUCKLES

Can't believe it's going to be three weeks.

Whereas Sara hasn't had sex for over a year.

Mum. Is it a year?

HE SIGHS Sounds like you need a date, Sara.

Sounds like you to fuck the fuck off.

Get out.

I-I'm joking.

Well, I wasn't.

You said you'd given up on men.

You said you were content being a grandmother.

Well, I was lying, wasn't I?

My life isn't over just because my kids are adults -

selfish adults - only using me for money and baby-sitting.

Oi. I don't!

Writing a whole TV show judging me.

Dressing up as Santa to tell everyone about my private business.

Oops.

If I hadn't had you two, I would've met somebody nice.

I would have remarried, like your father.

But nobody wants a woman with two kids,

let alone... Annoying, loud kids.

Where's my happy ending?

And how dare you try and deny my happiness now.

We're not annoying! QUIETLY: Or loud.

I didn't know it was going to be like this, I really didn't,

you know? Doing it all on my own with your constant need

and your...constant mess!

An-an-and... And then... And then... The ingratitude?

Yes. Thank you, Simon.

Yeah. Thanks, Simon. Feel free to chime in.

So if you can't be supportive of me having a little bit of fun

then get out.

Get out!

DOG BARKS

DOOR SHUTS

Take that robe off, Simon.

I'll cook some Linda McCartney sausages.

You know, the vast majority of men who sit there,

when I come to examine them, are completely regular.

Well within average range.

That doesn't bother me.

I advise all my patients to see a therapist for a few sessions

because if there isn't a physical problem,

then the issue is psychological.

It's not the size...

After the operation, it will be much more difficult to achieve erection.

I don't care about erections...

Pornography is responsible for so many men

worrying about their penises, when, in reality,

there's no reason for concern.

It looks like a mouse.

Could you repeat that? Sorry, I didn't...

It's got a mousy face, like...pointy.

And then these...these bits of skin.

Ears.

And then...then the whiskers, obviously.

Just hang on a jiff cos I just...

We'll do the examination and...

Hold on a sec.

SHE LAUGHS

DOG BARKS

Er, you're coming with me. You have that chat with Marie, remember?

Oh, no. She ain't forgotten?

Er, you wish. Children are very...distracted.

Did you forget mum saying she regretted having you?

Erm...rings a bell.

SHE SIGHS

We got messed up knowing this stuff when we were too little.

We can't do that to Marie.

We have to be the adults.

Forget your keys?

Sara's here to explain a woman's right to choose to Marie.

Right. Can we not wait until she's, you know, grown-up enough?

I am grown-up enough, thank you.

She's in her den.

You been cooking? Just Cup a Soups.

The flour jumped out at me.

I... I have a good mind to sue.

I really am very sorry.

I've lost confidence, if anything.

I was promised you'd be professional,

that you'd be discreet.

If you'd like to show me now, we can move forward with the examination.

My penis is not a laughing matter.

Of course. It's ruining my life,

this fear of women ridiculing me. Let me have a look.

Pointing and guffawing.

I don't dare date. I can't have a girlfriend.

I'll take a quick peek and then we can take it from there.

ZIP UNZIPS AND BELT UNBUCKLES

The face is at the front.

So it is.

VACUUM CLEANER WHIRS

Would you like a drink? A Cup a Soup?

Got any hard liquor?

SHE CHUCKLES

It's so sweet they make these for kids.

I'll have that one, thank you.

DAD SINGS OUT OF TUNE

This is a big responsibility for you.

You understand I have some questions.

Yes.

Why did my mummy not want me to be here?

Before all the boyfriends, the first man to leave her was Dad.

And, yes, while she was very depressed,

she said some things. SOBBING

I used to tell her, "I'm so sorry I came along and ruined everything."

And I was sorry. SOBBING

I'm a gate-crasher.

I wasn't invited.

But, Marie, your mum wanted you very much.

She does love me a lot.

She does.

But you said she wanted to get rid of...

No, I'm very sorry that you heard that

and I was very wrong to have said it.

This was never about you.

Your mum was...

It was about your dad.

What about him?

He's not a very nice person.

Yes, he is.

OUT OF TUNE SINGING CONTINUES

He wasn't very nice to Lucy.

How? He messed her about. He lied.

I told her to stay away and delete his number,

but she kept getting drunk and texting him photos of her arse.

Should you be telling me this?

Probably not.

I don't want you to do the operation.

I think that's the right decision.

You know, for all practical purposes, your penis...

I want somebody else to do it.

Oh. Look, can I be honest?

No.

Just, like... Like, I'm having a boy.

I'm growing a boy inside me and, ever since I've known that, I...

SHE SOBS

You're not very professional, are you?

I just keep worrying about how the world will treat my son.

Oh! Telling him not to have feelings, or to man up.

Read a map. Go to war.

You hurt my feelings. I know. I know I did

and I am so, so sorry, and I want to help you.

New idea.

Go on a date with me.

I'm married.

But I won't be as nervous with you because you've seen it before.

I don't want to.

What if I send prospective lovers a picture first?

Oh, no. So they're warned. That might work.

No, you shouldn't do that.

Well, I'm fresh out of ideas.

You were once a little baby, like some Mummy's son. So?

Well, I bet she thought that you were completely perfect.

That's irrelevant. Mother liked mice.

She loved you.

Oh, God... I've got it. Right.

OK, we'll try one more thing and, if it doesn't work,

I'll get another colleague to do the operation...

No, thank you. ...for free. For free - as an apology.

What's the plan?

I'm going to find you a date,

someone to boost your confidence.

And if she doesn't...?

Yeah, absolutely.

You're on.

OK, here's the thing.

Our parents exist before we do, even though that's impossible.

How can the play start before we get to the theatre?

Nothing exists before we are here to experience it,

yet we inherit this backstory.

I'm eight.

OK.

CONDESCENDINGLY: Peppa Pig has a mum and a dad.

No need to patronise me.

OK. This isn't your bullshit and you shouldn't have to carry it.

Your mum got pregnant because she forgot to use a condom

with a guy who blocked her on Twitter because she retweeted him

too much and she had to decide whether she wanted to have that man

in her life forever - which, in fact, she didn't -

but she really wanted you and... SHE SOBS

Marie. Marie! SHE CRIES

This is very uplifting.

My heart hurts.

Sorry, I fucked it up.

Please don't swear.

Also, I'm drunk.

Did you know? You're like an egg.

Yes.

You see, most mammals don't need more than one parent.

The female gestates, gives birth, lactates, feeds and raises her young

until they can fend for themselves.

The male's input into parenting consists solely of an ejaculation.

For millions of years,

our forefathers didn't raise their children -

they didn't even know them -

that's why it doesn't bother me that dad left.

He was just being retro when he abandoned us.

Ho, ho, ho!

KNOCKING ON DOOR

Yo, where you been? We don't see you.

Yeah, I'm just there with... Hello, Daddy.

How did I miss this? My princesa!

We've had a bit of...some confusing conversations,

some stuff that's just for adults.

She got on your computer?

Oh, no. No. Her auntie's...

When's the stag?

Oh. I don't know.

You are allowed one?

Erm, yeah.

No, I-I think... You've got to have one!

Don't let Juicy boss you around.

She doesn't. I assume I'm your best man?

Oh, I don't really think I'm going to have one.

Nonsense. Of course I'll do it. I know you both.

And I'll be in charge of the stag. Stop worrying.

Yeah, no, I'm not worrying. Daddy, can I come in and play?

Yay! FIFA?

I'm not sure that's... Bagsy Liverpool.

Liverpool? I don't think this will...

Shit.

Birds lay eggs, eggs that need to be warmed constantly

to keep the chicks inside alive.

And because birds can't feed themselves

and sit on eggs simultaneously,

they work in teams - in couples - to rear their babies.

Millions of years ago, our ancestors had smaller brains.

As our brains grew, we started birthing our babies

at an earlier stage in development, when the baby's head was smaller

and less likely to...

SHE MAKES EXPLODING NOISE

La-la, la-la, la! I don't want to know!

It's really interesting! La-la, la-la, la!

Women have been doing this for millions of years. Yeah, and dying.

Sorry.

God, if I wanted a scary lecture, I'd be going to NCT.

While we're on scary, my mum is back with Simon.

Can't you be happy for her?

Why aren't you surprised? She really likes him.

What? How do you know this?

Facebook.

He's a bad, very selfish man - and greedy.

He used to drive to Luton Airport to buy the bigger Toblerones.

Ugh, I'm still blocked! Can I check on yours?

Why did she block you?

Her status is orgasmic.

She likes him. I'd be well within my rights to kill myself.

Don't say that. Sorry.

It's not a funny joke. Sorry.

Maybe if you had some romance in your life...

I do have romance in my life.

I masturbate every day, sometimes twice.

Oh, not the brother fantasy thing.

It's not romantic, it's disgusting.

Forbidden love is the most romantic thing of all.

Right, can we try three persuasive arguments and we'll see which one works best?

One - you've not given anyone a chance for a long time

and I worry you've given up on a whole area of your life.

You're like someone who's quit drinking after their first hangover.

Maybe they're an alcoholic.

You've forgotten how exciting and intoxicating and alive

meeting a new sexy person makes you feel.

And, you know, maybe you'd be more sympathetic

towards your mum if you would... No! Argument three.

I know you hate cosmetic surgery.

It's self-harming the expensive way.

I've got a client suffering from low self-esteem

and, if I can find him a date, he'll cancel his operation.

And if I do this, you'll help me dissuade Lucy from her boob job?

Deal! Cheers.

To solve the problem of birthing massive-headed children,

humans evolved to give birth at nine months -

well before the baby's brain has finished growing.

Little humans grow their brains through the early months

of their lives and need constant care, supervision

and protection from predators.

This is a lot.

It was often too much for our ancestors to do alone -

that's why humans evolved a deep pair bonding mechanism.

We evolved romantic love.

All your feelings are just nature trying to prevent dead babies.

Goodnight.

SINGULAR CLAP

He knows.

We paired up like the birds to raise our families.

Let me introduce you to my dad.

APPLAUSE

One, two, three and...four.

JAZZ BASS PLAYS

♪ If the cats could stop meowing

♪ All the way for under-howing, then they might begin to knowing

♪ The knowledge I got

♪ If my freedom is a spider, I got eight legs inside her

♪ Destiny, eight pints of cider

♪ And a plane ticket out... # Hit it.

♪ Whee-bop!

♪ Do, doo-doo

♪ Skippity-bop, doo-doo

♪ Zee-bap-bop!

♪ Scooby-doo-bee-doo-bee, whoop, bap-bo-bee, zee-bap

♪ Skippity-bop, bo-bap, dee-do, dop-do, doz-vee, doz-vay

♪ Doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo, doz-vay, doz-vap, duh, do-doe-day

♪ Skippity-bop, bo-bop, de-bop

♪ Scoo-bop, de-bop, bo. ♪

I've had a couple already, I'm a bit nervous.

Oh, don't be. What do you want?

To be loved.

I mean, beer. A beer.

Good.

JAZZ MUSIC IN BACKGROUND

PHONE DINGS

ON TV: Most mammals don't need more than one parent.

The female gestates, gives birth, lactates,

feeds and raises her young.

So, some exciting wedding news.

It's cancelled?

The male's input to parenting...

You got your parents to give us some money?

..of an ejaculation. Erm, no.

But we do have two best men now, so...

Two? Yeah. Jim thought maybe he'd like to do it,

if perhaps that was all right with you?

It'd be like we had a best man each -

Sara for you and Jim for... OK.

..have to be warmed constantly to keep the chicks inside alive.

Are you all right with it? Yeah, yeah. He's your best mate, so...

It won't be weird because...?

Because he's the BEST man?

I'm impressed you paid.

I'm impressed at your height and the suit.

I guess you've got a proper job?

F-finance, loosely.

More specifically, helping companies motivate their stock

in a sluggish market.

God, when I put it like that, it sounds really sexy.

Bottle of champagne, please.

What a coincidence!

I should never have told you where I was going.

SIMON: Took my advice, then. Time to get your leg over,

no mistake. Oh, you're bloody handsome!

THEY CHUCKLE

What are you doing here? Go away!

Well, we had to get out of bed sometime, didn't we?

Your mum and dad come to keep an eye on me?

Oh! Go away! Come on. She's such a...

He's not my dad.

MUM LAUGHS

SIMON GROANS

He... He seems nice.

It must be nice, knowing she's got someone to take care of her.

I always hoped my mum would find someone else after...

..after dad died. It's not nice.

It ruins everything, having a big fat cuckoo in your family

trying to push you out of the nest

so he can have your mum all to himself.

Here you are, darling. There's your bottle.

Hmm.

Yes?

I'm a very intuitive person, OK? OK.

You're quite immature.

No! You depend on your mum still.

I don't depend on her, I look out for her.

That's a man's job.

All right, the '50s.

Well, where is your dad?

He's gone.

We've got that in common.

He's not dead. He lives in America.

Is he in finance, by any chance?

♪ Bop, bo, zoo-ee

♪ Zoo-ee, bae

♪ Zoo-whoo. ♪

SHE LAUGHS

No. I only ask because I heard that girls fancy guys

that are like their dad.

Well, I don't.

Well, what are you looking for?

Nothing.

That is like your dad, then.

Absent.

SOFT TICKING

♪ Doz-vee, doz-vay

♪ Doo-doo, do, doz-vee, doo-doo, do... ♪

If one of your parents flies away,

it's impossible for that not to matter.

Our ancestors' needs mean we are wired to mourn their absence.

♪ Be-bop. ♪

But we aren't eggs,

we just feel these effects because we used to be.

No, no, they're not connected.

Anyway, great analysis and conversation.

And you're tall, you've got lovely skin,

and my mum said you're handsome, so all better?

MUM LAUGHS Let's go. Mmm?

Oh, my card. Hey! Would you like...?

MUM: Want to borrow some johnnies?

If you can't take a bit of sport, do you know what I mean?

Aw!

SHE LAUGHS

THUDDING AND SQUEAKING

The pub? I've never known her to go to a pub.

How well do we even know our mother?

She shares more with Facebook than with me.

Facebook is less judgmental.

You don't know what you're talking about, Marie.

They're stealing our data.

Maybe it is serious. It definitely is!

Mark Zuckerberg knows stuff.

He knows that I got Hufflepuff in the Sorting Hat quiz.

What?

Oh, Mum.

Yeah. Yeah, we need to get rid of Simon as quickly as possible.

She is not bringing him to the wedding.

No way. I hate him.

I am not going round when he's there.

Yes, we'll do a boycott.

Can I hate Stefan? No! That's different.

Where's all this suddenly come from?

♪ Ski-bop, whee-bom

♪ Za-bu, da-bom

♪ Zip. ♪

I had night terrors.

I was inside a shell.

My mum kept sitting on me and I couldn't breathe

and I wanted her to get off and I kept shouting and saying, "Go away!"

ECHOING: Go away! And she wouldn't leave.

I've just realised...

..she couldn't.

Look at the state of you.

DOOR SHUTS

INDISTINCT MUTTERS

Watch out, Simon. She stinks of booze.

Hello, Simon. Hiya.

Come to give us all the sordid details?

Did you two have a good night?

Smashing.

Big fella. You seeing him again?

Probably not. Sara never sees them again.

No, yeah. No, we're probably better off as people

who never see each other again.

I called him a big raven in my sleep

and tried to fight off his beating wings.

Hey, Simon, sorry.

Terrible reunion. I was very rude.

I never think about what my mum needs, only what I need from her.

Want any breakfast?

I'll puke, Mum, but thanks.

You're very lucky, Sara.

Your mum is a very sexy lady.

SHE CHUCKLES

This is why the colour of the pus is so important.

KNOCKING ON DOOR

Some pus is perfectly healthy - it just gets bad PR.

Oh! She didn't even notice.

No, you had...?

You were absolutely correct about finding the right person.

Oh. I just need to find women with daddy issues,

remind them how rejected they've been, and bam!

Oh, my.

See ya.

MUM: No, can't be.

Why did you block me on Facebook?

You rang me during EastEnders. Mum.

What does it matter?

You never liked anything I put up anyway.

How did you know I didn't...? You never liked anything.

I'm going to make more of an effort.

I'm really growing up, have you noticed?

PHONE CHIMES

Does that mean you're going on a second date?

I don't think so.

But he did send me a cute photo of a woodland creature, so that's nice.

Aw. So it's got you back on the horse.

It's great to be back on the horse.

THEY CHUCKLE

The horse being Simon. Mm-hm.

I'm sorry you never got remarried, Mum.

I'm sorry you had to do everything by yourself.

Nibbles. We haven't got any...nibbles.

And everything I'm going through has made me realise

how hard it must have been for you.

Change the subject. Ancient history.

I've been thinking about the wedding and... Yeah?

..I just think it'd be weird for Dad to be there.

He's not been involved in any part of our lives.

Oh, well, he's still your father.

What does that mean? Mum, you're our parents.

I don't want him to come.

I think Lucy should get what she wants.

Well, part of growing up is not getting what you want.

That's not true. DOORBELL RINGS

I'll get it.

Hi.

Lucy? What?! CAROL SCREAMS

♪ Doodely-bop, dip-zop, zee-zip, zip, zo

♪ Wee, wee, wee, wah, zoo-bop

♪ Whip, bop, zwee, do

♪ Doe-do, da-doe, bae-ba, doe-eh zoo-bop, doe-de-day

♪ Zwee, ah! ♪

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT