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1
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You thought he was gone forever.
2
00:00:04,920 --> 00:00:08,080
You thought the nightmare was done.
3
00:00:08,080 --> 00:00:10,720
WOMAN MOANS
4
00:00:10,720 --> 00:00:13,240
MAN LAUGHS AND WOMAN GIGGLES
5
00:00:13,240 --> 00:00:15,960
For 20 years...
6
00:00:15,960 --> 00:00:19,600
MAN: Sara ruined Monopoly.
SHE SIGHS
7
00:00:19,600 --> 00:00:21,880
..you haven't heard his name.
8
00:00:21,880 --> 00:00:23,360
WOMAN MOANING: Si-mon!
9
00:00:23,360 --> 00:00:26,400
Your mum's ex-boyfriend.
KETTLE WHISTLES
10
00:00:26,400 --> 00:00:28,560
If I was your father,
you'd have some respect.
11
00:00:28,560 --> 00:00:30,040
He's back.
12
00:00:31,760 --> 00:00:33,160
And this time...
13
00:00:34,480 --> 00:00:36,880
THEY SCREAM
14
00:00:36,880 --> 00:00:39,240
..he's in his briefs.
15
00:00:39,240 --> 00:00:41,080
Happening now.
16
00:00:41,080 --> 00:00:43,680
That reminds me -
I bumped into Simon.
17
00:00:43,680 --> 00:00:45,160
Bumped into?
18
00:00:45,160 --> 00:00:47,240
Is that what the kids are
calling it now, hmm?
19
00:00:47,240 --> 00:00:49,240
THEY CHUCKLE AND SHE RETCHES
20
00:00:49,240 --> 00:00:52,000
MARIACHI BAND PLAYS
21
00:01:34,960 --> 00:01:36,320
POP!
22
00:01:38,600 --> 00:01:40,320
You remember Simon!
23
00:01:40,320 --> 00:01:43,040
Oh, Mum, what? No!
Nice to see you all again.
24
00:01:43,040 --> 00:01:45,040
I can see all of you again.
25
00:01:45,040 --> 00:01:47,120
Oh, so uptight!
26
00:01:47,120 --> 00:01:49,080
You'd never think she was
conceived in Paris.
27
00:01:49,080 --> 00:01:50,960
Gross!
28
00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:52,880
Is he the one who stole our car?
29
00:01:52,880 --> 00:01:54,160
I think he was the con man.
30
00:01:54,160 --> 00:01:55,440
I've got my own car.
31
00:01:55,440 --> 00:01:56,880
Did you used to have long hair?
32
00:01:56,880 --> 00:01:58,960
Erm, no. And I can hear you.
33
00:01:58,960 --> 00:02:00,880
So he's not that one from
Morris dancing, then.
34
00:02:00,880 --> 00:02:01,920
Maybe he's... I know!
35
00:02:01,920 --> 00:02:03,160
He ruined Christmas. Yeah.
36
00:02:03,160 --> 00:02:04,400
Shouty Grinch Steve.
37
00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:06,000
Simon! Shouty Grinch Simon.
38
00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:07,680
He threw the Monopoly top hat
at my head!
39
00:02:07,680 --> 00:02:10,280
He said I was cheating at Scrabble
because I knew too many words.
40
00:02:10,280 --> 00:02:13,120
Right, well, if you don't like it,
you can always get out.
41
00:02:13,120 --> 00:02:15,760
Why is he here, Mum?
How could you do this to us?
42
00:02:15,760 --> 00:02:16,960
To you?
43
00:02:16,960 --> 00:02:18,920
My house, my vagina.
44
00:02:21,480 --> 00:02:23,720
FILM REEL CLICKS
WOMAN GROANS
45
00:02:25,360 --> 00:02:27,120
Seems reasonable. Fair play.
46
00:02:27,120 --> 00:02:31,880
It's her life. She can shag as many
terrible men as she likes.
47
00:02:31,880 --> 00:02:34,160
GIGGLING
And she only likes terrible men.
48
00:02:34,160 --> 00:02:37,760
But - and I don't know
if I've told you this already -
49
00:02:37,760 --> 00:02:39,560
I used to be a child.
50
00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:41,440
My mum's house was my house.
51
00:02:41,440 --> 00:02:43,280
I had no choice but
to live with her.
52
00:02:43,280 --> 00:02:45,680
No choice over
who she went out with.
53
00:02:45,680 --> 00:02:48,280
No choice over who was
there at breakfast.
54
00:02:48,280 --> 00:02:51,120
I hated every single one
of my mother's boyfriends
55
00:02:51,120 --> 00:02:53,720
because I had no choice in
when they left her,
56
00:02:53,720 --> 00:02:56,000
no choice in how they hurt her.
57
00:02:57,400 --> 00:03:01,280
There was no point celebrating
her joy when she met somebody new.
58
00:03:01,280 --> 00:03:04,960
I needed all of my energy
for her sadness when they were gone.
59
00:03:06,160 --> 00:03:07,440
Ho, ho, ho!
60
00:03:19,120 --> 00:03:21,640
So, how long has this been going on?
61
00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:25,360
Sugar. Simon!
62
00:03:25,360 --> 00:03:27,600
Ooh, sounds like a job interview.
63
00:03:27,600 --> 00:03:31,240
I'm very reliable and good working
as part of a team, honest.
64
00:03:31,240 --> 00:03:32,880
I was talking to my mum.
65
00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:34,560
You haven't answered the question.
66
00:03:34,560 --> 00:03:36,440
None of your business.
67
00:03:36,440 --> 00:03:38,960
Oh, guess what, Simon?
68
00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:42,720
Lucy - the beautiful one -
she's going to get married
69
00:03:42,720 --> 00:03:45,120
in...less than three weeks.
70
00:03:45,120 --> 00:03:48,400
Oh! Congratu-bloody-lations.
MUM CHUCKLES
71
00:03:48,400 --> 00:03:50,480
Can't believe it's going
to be three weeks.
72
00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:52,880
Whereas Sara hasn't had sex
for over a year.
73
00:03:52,880 --> 00:03:54,520
Mum. Is it a year?
74
00:03:54,520 --> 00:03:56,920
HE SIGHS
Sounds like you need a date, Sara.
75
00:03:56,920 --> 00:03:59,240
Sounds like you to fuck
the fuck off.
76
00:04:01,400 --> 00:04:03,480
Get out.
77
00:04:03,480 --> 00:04:05,200
I-I'm joking.
78
00:04:05,200 --> 00:04:06,440
Well, I wasn't.
79
00:04:08,480 --> 00:04:10,200
You said you'd given up on men.
80
00:04:10,200 --> 00:04:12,240
You said you were content
being a grandmother.
81
00:04:12,240 --> 00:04:13,920
Well, I was lying, wasn't I?
82
00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:17,200
My life isn't over just because
my kids are adults -
83
00:04:17,200 --> 00:04:20,320
selfish adults - only using me
for money and baby-sitting.
84
00:04:20,320 --> 00:04:21,760
Oi. I don't!
85
00:04:21,760 --> 00:04:24,160
Writing a whole TV show judging me.
86
00:04:24,160 --> 00:04:27,360
Dressing up as Santa to tell
everyone about my private business.
87
00:04:27,360 --> 00:04:28,760
Oops.
88
00:04:28,760 --> 00:04:32,280
If I hadn't had you two,
I would've met somebody nice.
89
00:04:32,280 --> 00:04:34,400
I would have remarried,
like your father.
90
00:04:34,400 --> 00:04:36,720
But nobody wants
a woman with two kids,
91
00:04:36,720 --> 00:04:39,680
let alone... Annoying, loud kids.
92
00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:41,360
Where's my happy ending?
93
00:04:41,360 --> 00:04:44,920
And how dare you try
and deny my happiness now.
94
00:04:44,920 --> 00:04:47,280
We're not annoying!
QUIETLY: Or loud.
95
00:04:47,280 --> 00:04:49,880
I didn't know it was going to be
like this, I really didn't,
96
00:04:49,880 --> 00:04:52,320
you know? Doing it all on my own
with your constant need
97
00:04:52,320 --> 00:04:55,080
and your...constant mess!
98
00:04:55,080 --> 00:04:57,520
An-an-and... And then...
And then... The ingratitude?
99
00:04:57,520 --> 00:04:58,920
Yes. Thank you, Simon.
100
00:04:58,920 --> 00:05:01,160
Yeah. Thanks, Simon.
Feel free to chime in.
101
00:05:01,160 --> 00:05:04,400
So if you can't be supportive of me
having a little bit of fun
102
00:05:04,400 --> 00:05:06,600
then get out.
103
00:05:06,600 --> 00:05:08,120
Get out!
104
00:05:08,120 --> 00:05:10,000
DOG BARKS
105
00:05:12,800 --> 00:05:13,920
DOOR SHUTS
106
00:05:13,920 --> 00:05:15,680
Take that robe off, Simon.
107
00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:19,960
I'll cook some
Linda McCartney sausages.
108
00:05:21,360 --> 00:05:23,680
You know, the vast majority of
men who sit there,
109
00:05:23,680 --> 00:05:26,280
when I come to examine them,
are completely regular.
110
00:05:26,280 --> 00:05:27,920
Well within average range.
111
00:05:27,920 --> 00:05:29,160
That doesn't bother me.
112
00:05:29,160 --> 00:05:32,360
I advise all my patients to see
a therapist for a few sessions
113
00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:34,400
because if there isn't a
physical problem,
114
00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:36,000
then the issue is psychological.
115
00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:37,160
It's not the size...
116
00:05:37,160 --> 00:05:40,960
After the operation, it will be much
more difficult to achieve erection.
117
00:05:40,960 --> 00:05:43,280
I don't care about erections...
118
00:05:43,280 --> 00:05:45,240
Pornography is responsible
for so many men
119
00:05:45,240 --> 00:05:47,800
worrying about their penises,
when, in reality,
120
00:05:47,800 --> 00:05:49,520
there's no reason for concern.
121
00:05:49,520 --> 00:05:51,040
It looks like a mouse.
122
00:05:55,080 --> 00:05:56,960
Could you repeat that?
Sorry, I didn't...
123
00:05:56,960 --> 00:06:01,240
It's got a mousy face,
like...pointy.
124
00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:07,720
And then these...these bits of skin.
125
00:06:10,160 --> 00:06:12,000
Ears.
126
00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:17,160
And then...then the whiskers,
obviously.
127
00:06:18,680 --> 00:06:20,600
Just hang on a jiff cos I just...
128
00:06:20,600 --> 00:06:23,320
We'll do the examination and...
129
00:06:23,320 --> 00:06:25,040
Hold on a sec.
130
00:06:26,880 --> 00:06:29,560
SHE LAUGHS
131
00:06:32,440 --> 00:06:34,880
DOG BARKS
132
00:06:34,880 --> 00:06:38,640
Er, you're coming with me. You have
that chat with Marie, remember?
133
00:06:38,640 --> 00:06:40,480
Oh, no. She ain't forgotten?
134
00:06:40,480 --> 00:06:43,800
Er, you wish. Children
are very...distracted.
135
00:06:43,800 --> 00:06:46,760
Did you forget mum saying
she regretted having you?
136
00:06:46,760 --> 00:06:49,840
Erm...rings a bell.
137
00:06:49,840 --> 00:06:51,000
SHE SIGHS
138
00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:53,600
We got messed up knowing this stuff
when we were too little.
139
00:06:53,600 --> 00:06:54,960
We can't do that to Marie.
140
00:06:58,880 --> 00:07:00,360
We have to be the adults.
141
00:07:01,560 --> 00:07:02,680
Forget your keys?
142
00:07:04,360 --> 00:07:07,520
Sara's here to explain a woman's
right to choose to Marie.
143
00:07:07,520 --> 00:07:10,440
Right. Can we not wait until
she's, you know, grown-up enough?
144
00:07:10,440 --> 00:07:12,560
I am grown-up enough, thank you.
145
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:15,840
She's in her den.
146
00:07:17,920 --> 00:07:19,920
You been cooking? Just Cup a Soups.
147
00:07:22,800 --> 00:07:24,160
The flour jumped out at me.
148
00:07:25,920 --> 00:07:27,920
I... I have a good mind to sue.
149
00:07:27,920 --> 00:07:30,040
I really am very sorry.
150
00:07:30,040 --> 00:07:31,880
I've lost confidence, if anything.
151
00:07:31,880 --> 00:07:34,040
I was promised
you'd be professional,
152
00:07:34,040 --> 00:07:35,440
that you'd be discreet.
153
00:07:35,440 --> 00:07:38,880
If you'd like to show me now, we can
move forward with the examination.
154
00:07:38,880 --> 00:07:41,680
My penis is not a laughing matter.
155
00:07:41,680 --> 00:07:43,560
Of course. It's ruining my life,
156
00:07:43,560 --> 00:07:47,000
this fear of women ridiculing me.
Let me have a look.
157
00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:49,080
Pointing and guffawing.
158
00:07:49,080 --> 00:07:51,520
I don't dare date.
I can't have a girlfriend.
159
00:07:51,520 --> 00:07:54,240
I'll take a quick peek and then
we can take it from there.
160
00:07:54,240 --> 00:07:56,040
ZIP UNZIPS AND BELT UNBUCKLES
161
00:07:59,880 --> 00:08:01,680
The face is at the front.
162
00:08:02,800 --> 00:08:04,000
So it is.
163
00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:08,080
VACUUM CLEANER WHIRS
164
00:08:09,760 --> 00:08:12,000
Would you like a drink?
A Cup a Soup?
165
00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:13,160
Got any hard liquor?
166
00:08:18,280 --> 00:08:19,640
SHE CHUCKLES
167
00:08:19,640 --> 00:08:22,600
It's so sweet they make
these for kids.
168
00:08:23,720 --> 00:08:25,080
I'll have that one, thank you.
169
00:08:28,480 --> 00:08:29,960
DAD SINGS OUT OF TUNE
170
00:08:29,960 --> 00:08:32,200
This is a big
responsibility for you.
171
00:08:35,080 --> 00:08:37,800
You understand I have
some questions.
172
00:08:37,800 --> 00:08:39,160
Yes.
173
00:08:39,160 --> 00:08:41,880
Why did my mummy not want me
to be here?
174
00:08:44,280 --> 00:08:49,160
Before all the boyfriends, the first
man to leave her was Dad.
175
00:08:49,160 --> 00:08:52,280
And, yes, while she was
very depressed,
176
00:08:52,280 --> 00:08:54,440
she said some things.
SOBBING
177
00:08:54,440 --> 00:08:58,960
I used to tell her, "I'm so sorry
I came along and ruined everything."
178
00:08:58,960 --> 00:09:01,400
And I was sorry.
SOBBING
179
00:09:01,400 --> 00:09:03,200
I'm a gate-crasher.
180
00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:05,000
I wasn't invited.
181
00:09:05,000 --> 00:09:09,040
But, Marie, your mum wanted
you very much.
182
00:09:09,040 --> 00:09:10,760
She does love me a lot.
183
00:09:10,760 --> 00:09:12,600
She does.
184
00:09:12,600 --> 00:09:14,560
But you said she wanted
to get rid of...
185
00:09:14,560 --> 00:09:16,200
No, I'm very sorry that
you heard that
186
00:09:16,200 --> 00:09:17,960
and I was very wrong
to have said it.
187
00:09:19,640 --> 00:09:21,400
This was never about you.
188
00:09:21,400 --> 00:09:23,640
Your mum was...
189
00:09:23,640 --> 00:09:25,480
It was about your dad.
190
00:09:25,480 --> 00:09:27,080
What about him?
191
00:09:27,080 --> 00:09:28,600
He's not a very nice person.
192
00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:30,480
Yes, he is.
193
00:09:30,480 --> 00:09:32,680
OUT OF TUNE SINGING CONTINUES
194
00:09:32,680 --> 00:09:35,040
He wasn't very nice to Lucy.
195
00:09:35,040 --> 00:09:38,320
How? He messed her about. He lied.
196
00:09:38,320 --> 00:09:41,320
I told her to stay away and
delete his number,
197
00:09:41,320 --> 00:09:44,600
but she kept getting drunk and
texting him photos of her arse.
198
00:09:44,600 --> 00:09:47,040
Should you be telling me this?
199
00:09:47,040 --> 00:09:48,400
Probably not.
200
00:09:51,640 --> 00:09:53,160
I don't want you to do
the operation.
201
00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:54,920
I think that's the right decision.
202
00:09:54,920 --> 00:09:57,160
You know, for all practical
purposes, your penis...
203
00:09:57,160 --> 00:09:59,280
I want somebody else to do it.
204
00:09:59,280 --> 00:10:02,160
Oh. Look, can I be honest?
205
00:10:02,160 --> 00:10:03,360
No.
206
00:10:09,800 --> 00:10:13,200
Just, like...
Like, I'm having a boy.
207
00:10:15,120 --> 00:10:20,760
I'm growing a boy inside me and,
ever since I've known that, I...
208
00:10:20,760 --> 00:10:21,960
SHE SOBS
209
00:10:23,720 --> 00:10:25,720
You're not very professional,
are you?
210
00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:30,600
I just keep worrying about how the
world will treat my son.
211
00:10:31,600 --> 00:10:36,360
Oh! Telling him not to have
feelings, or to man up.
212
00:10:36,360 --> 00:10:38,120
Read a map. Go to war.
213
00:10:38,120 --> 00:10:40,480
You hurt my feelings.
I know. I know I did
214
00:10:40,480 --> 00:10:43,440
and I am so, so sorry,
and I want to help you.
215
00:10:44,480 --> 00:10:45,920
New idea.
216
00:10:45,920 --> 00:10:47,400
Go on a date with me.
217
00:10:47,400 --> 00:10:48,640
I'm married.
218
00:10:48,640 --> 00:10:53,520
But I won't be as nervous with you
because you've seen it before.
219
00:10:53,520 --> 00:10:54,680
I don't want to.
220
00:10:56,960 --> 00:11:02,200
What if I send prospective
lovers a picture first?
221
00:11:02,200 --> 00:11:05,240
Oh, no. So they're warned.
That might work.
222
00:11:05,240 --> 00:11:06,880
No, you shouldn't do that.
223
00:11:08,760 --> 00:11:11,640
Well, I'm fresh out of ideas.
224
00:11:12,640 --> 00:11:17,240
You were once a little baby,
like some Mummy's son. So?
225
00:11:17,240 --> 00:11:20,800
Well, I bet she thought that
you were completely perfect.
226
00:11:20,800 --> 00:11:23,680
That's irrelevant.
Mother liked mice.
227
00:11:23,680 --> 00:11:24,960
She loved you.
228
00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:28,920
Oh, God... I've got it. Right.
229
00:11:28,920 --> 00:11:31,080
OK, we'll try one more thing
and, if it doesn't work,
230
00:11:31,080 --> 00:11:33,280
I'll get another colleague
to do the operation...
231
00:11:33,280 --> 00:11:35,880
No, thank you. ...for free.
For free - as an apology.
232
00:11:37,120 --> 00:11:38,560
What's the plan?
233
00:11:38,560 --> 00:11:40,760
I'm going to find you a date,
234
00:11:40,760 --> 00:11:42,920
someone to boost your confidence.
235
00:11:42,920 --> 00:11:45,600
And if she doesn't...?
236
00:11:45,600 --> 00:11:47,720
Yeah, absolutely.
237
00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:52,480
You're on.
238
00:11:52,480 --> 00:11:55,200
OK, here's the thing.
239
00:11:55,200 --> 00:11:59,640
Our parents exist before we do,
even though that's impossible.
240
00:11:59,640 --> 00:12:02,840
How can the play start
before we get to the theatre?
241
00:12:02,840 --> 00:12:06,160
Nothing exists before we are here
to experience it,
242
00:12:06,160 --> 00:12:07,880
yet we inherit this backstory.
243
00:12:07,880 --> 00:12:09,560
I'm eight.
244
00:12:09,560 --> 00:12:11,600
OK.
245
00:12:11,600 --> 00:12:15,880
CONDESCENDINGLY: Peppa Pig has
a mum and a dad.
246
00:12:15,880 --> 00:12:17,800
No need to patronise me.
247
00:12:17,800 --> 00:12:22,000
OK. This isn't your bullshit
and you shouldn't have to carry it.
248
00:12:22,000 --> 00:12:24,480
Your mum got pregnant
because she forgot to use a condom
249
00:12:24,480 --> 00:12:27,320
with a guy who blocked her on
Twitter because she retweeted him
250
00:12:27,320 --> 00:12:30,280
too much and she had to decide
whether she wanted to have that man
251
00:12:30,280 --> 00:12:32,680
in her life forever -
which, in fact, she didn't -
252
00:12:32,680 --> 00:12:35,280
but she really wanted you and...
SHE SOBS
253
00:12:35,280 --> 00:12:37,520
Marie. Marie!
SHE CRIES
254
00:12:37,520 --> 00:12:38,960
This is very uplifting.
255
00:12:40,320 --> 00:12:42,240
My heart hurts.
256
00:12:42,240 --> 00:12:44,400
Sorry, I fucked it up.
257
00:12:44,400 --> 00:12:45,720
Please don't swear.
258
00:12:45,720 --> 00:12:47,200
Also, I'm drunk.
259
00:12:51,240 --> 00:12:53,520
Did you know? You're like an egg.
260
00:12:54,920 --> 00:12:56,000
Yes.
261
00:12:56,000 --> 00:12:59,960
You see, most mammals don't need
more than one parent.
262
00:12:59,960 --> 00:13:05,800
The female gestates, gives birth,
lactates, feeds and raises her young
263
00:13:05,800 --> 00:13:07,720
until they can fend for themselves.
264
00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:12,000
The male's input into parenting
consists solely of an ejaculation.
265
00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:13,400
For millions of years,
266
00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:15,680
our forefathers didn't raise
their children -
267
00:13:15,680 --> 00:13:17,480
they didn't even know them -
268
00:13:17,480 --> 00:13:20,320
that's why it doesn't bother me
that dad left.
269
00:13:20,320 --> 00:13:23,240
He was just being retro
when he abandoned us.
270
00:13:24,920 --> 00:13:26,000
Ho, ho, ho!
271
00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:29,080
KNOCKING ON DOOR
272
00:13:31,800 --> 00:13:34,800
Yo, where you been?
We don't see you.
273
00:13:34,800 --> 00:13:37,720
Yeah, I'm just there with...
Hello, Daddy.
274
00:13:37,720 --> 00:13:40,800
How did I miss this? My princesa!
275
00:13:40,800 --> 00:13:44,840
We've had a bit of...some confusing
conversations,
276
00:13:44,840 --> 00:13:47,160
some stuff that's just for adults.
277
00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:49,080
She got on your computer?
278
00:13:49,080 --> 00:13:52,000
Oh, no. No. Her auntie's...
279
00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:53,320
When's the stag?
280
00:13:54,560 --> 00:13:56,560
Oh. I don't know.
281
00:13:56,560 --> 00:13:57,760
You are allowed one?
282
00:13:57,760 --> 00:14:00,200
Erm, yeah.
283
00:14:00,200 --> 00:14:02,280
No, I-I think...
You've got to have one!
284
00:14:02,280 --> 00:14:04,040
Don't let Juicy boss you around.
285
00:14:04,040 --> 00:14:06,800
She doesn't.
I assume I'm your best man?
286
00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:10,400
Oh, I don't really think
I'm going to have one.
287
00:14:10,400 --> 00:14:14,000
Nonsense. Of course I'll do it.
I know you both.
288
00:14:14,000 --> 00:14:15,960
And I'll be in charge of the stag.
Stop worrying.
289
00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:18,560
Yeah, no, I'm not worrying.
Daddy, can I come in and play?
290
00:14:18,560 --> 00:14:20,000
Yay! FIFA?
291
00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:22,000
I'm not sure that's...
Bagsy Liverpool.
292
00:14:22,000 --> 00:14:24,160
Liverpool?
I don't think this will...
293
00:14:28,720 --> 00:14:30,000
Shit.
294
00:14:33,160 --> 00:14:37,120
Birds lay eggs, eggs that need
to be warmed constantly
295
00:14:37,120 --> 00:14:39,520
to keep the chicks inside alive.
296
00:14:39,520 --> 00:14:42,480
And because birds can't
feed themselves
297
00:14:42,480 --> 00:14:44,840
and sit on eggs simultaneously,
298
00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:48,840
they work in teams - in couples -
to rear their babies.
299
00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:55,760
Millions of years ago,
our ancestors had smaller brains.
300
00:14:55,760 --> 00:14:58,960
As our brains grew,
we started birthing our babies
301
00:14:58,960 --> 00:15:01,920
at an earlier stage in development,
when the baby's head was smaller
302
00:15:01,920 --> 00:15:03,840
and less likely to...
303
00:15:03,840 --> 00:15:05,080
SHE MAKES EXPLODING NOISE
304
00:15:05,080 --> 00:15:06,720
La-la, la-la, la!
I don't want to know!
305
00:15:06,720 --> 00:15:09,560
It's really interesting!
La-la, la-la, la!
306
00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:12,440
Women have been doing this for
millions of years. Yeah, and dying.
307
00:15:13,840 --> 00:15:15,560
Sorry.
308
00:15:15,560 --> 00:15:18,200
God, if I wanted a scary lecture,
I'd be going to NCT.
309
00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:23,040
While we're on scary,
my mum is back with Simon.
310
00:15:23,040 --> 00:15:24,240
Can't you be happy for her?
311
00:15:24,240 --> 00:15:26,680
Why aren't you surprised?
She really likes him.
312
00:15:26,680 --> 00:15:29,120
What? How do you know this?
313
00:15:29,120 --> 00:15:30,360
Facebook.
314
00:15:30,360 --> 00:15:33,400
He's a bad, very selfish man -
and greedy.
315
00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:36,200
He used to drive to Luton Airport
to buy the bigger Toblerones.
316
00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:38,960
Ugh, I'm still blocked!
Can I check on yours?
317
00:15:38,960 --> 00:15:40,840
Why did she block you?
318
00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:42,600
Her status is orgasmic.
319
00:15:42,600 --> 00:15:45,440
She likes him. I'd be well within
my rights to kill myself.
320
00:15:46,520 --> 00:15:47,960
Don't say that. Sorry.
321
00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:49,840
It's not a funny joke. Sorry.
322
00:15:52,440 --> 00:15:55,200
Maybe if you had some romance
in your life...
323
00:15:55,200 --> 00:15:56,600
I do have romance in my life.
324
00:15:56,600 --> 00:16:00,320
I masturbate every day,
sometimes twice.
325
00:16:00,320 --> 00:16:03,160
Oh, not the brother fantasy thing.
326
00:16:03,160 --> 00:16:04,880
It's not romantic, it's disgusting.
327
00:16:04,880 --> 00:16:07,440
Forbidden love is the most
romantic thing of all.
328
00:16:12,320 --> 00:16:15,760
Right, can we try three persuasive
arguments and we'll see which one
works best?
329
00:16:15,760 --> 00:16:19,600
One - you've not given anyone a
chance for a long time
330
00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:22,560
and I worry you've given
up on a whole area of your life.
331
00:16:22,560 --> 00:16:25,520
You're like someone who's quit
drinking after their first hangover.
332
00:16:25,520 --> 00:16:27,160
Maybe they're an alcoholic.
333
00:16:29,680 --> 00:16:34,080
You've forgotten how exciting
and intoxicating and alive
334
00:16:34,080 --> 00:16:37,200
meeting a new sexy person makes you
feel.
335
00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:39,120
And, you know, maybe you'd be
more sympathetic
336
00:16:39,120 --> 00:16:41,800
towards your mum if you would...
No! Argument three.
337
00:16:43,360 --> 00:16:45,040
I know you hate cosmetic surgery.
338
00:16:45,040 --> 00:16:47,480
It's self-harming
the expensive way.
339
00:16:47,480 --> 00:16:49,640
I've got a client suffering
from low self-esteem
340
00:16:49,640 --> 00:16:53,120
and, if I can find him a
date, he'll cancel his operation.
341
00:16:53,120 --> 00:16:55,880
And if I do this, you'll help me
dissuade Lucy from her boob job?
342
00:16:55,880 --> 00:16:56,920
Deal! Cheers.
343
00:16:58,840 --> 00:17:02,000
To solve the problem of birthing
massive-headed children,
344
00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:04,240
humans evolved to give birth
at nine months -
345
00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:06,800
well before the baby's brain
has finished growing.
346
00:17:10,600 --> 00:17:13,800
Little humans grow their brains
through the early months
347
00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:17,000
of their lives and need
constant care, supervision
348
00:17:17,000 --> 00:17:18,960
and protection from predators.
349
00:17:21,600 --> 00:17:23,200
This is a lot.
350
00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:26,440
It was often too much for our
ancestors to do alone -
351
00:17:26,440 --> 00:17:30,920
that's why humans evolved a deep
pair bonding mechanism.
352
00:17:30,920 --> 00:17:32,920
We evolved romantic love.
353
00:17:34,400 --> 00:17:38,200
All your feelings are just nature
trying to prevent dead babies.
354
00:17:38,200 --> 00:17:40,040
Goodnight.
355
00:17:40,040 --> 00:17:41,840
SINGULAR CLAP
356
00:17:45,760 --> 00:17:46,960
He knows.
357
00:17:46,960 --> 00:17:50,240
We paired up like the birds
to raise our families.
358
00:17:55,320 --> 00:17:58,880
Let me introduce you to my dad.
359
00:17:58,880 --> 00:18:00,440
APPLAUSE
360
00:18:00,440 --> 00:18:05,920
One, two, three and...four.
361
00:18:05,920 --> 00:18:07,360
JAZZ BASS PLAYS
362
00:18:07,360 --> 00:18:09,120
♪ If the cats could stop meowing
363
00:18:09,120 --> 00:18:12,600
♪ All the way for under-howing,
then they might begin to knowing
364
00:18:12,600 --> 00:18:15,040
♪ The knowledge I got
365
00:18:15,040 --> 00:18:18,680
♪ If my freedom is a spider,
I got eight legs inside her
366
00:18:18,680 --> 00:18:21,520
♪ Destiny, eight pints of cider
367
00:18:21,520 --> 00:18:24,160
♪ And a plane ticket out... #
Hit it.
368
00:18:24,160 --> 00:18:26,120
♪ Whee-bop!
369
00:18:26,120 --> 00:18:28,240
♪ Do, doo-doo
370
00:18:28,240 --> 00:18:30,240
♪ Skippity-bop, doo-doo
371
00:18:30,240 --> 00:18:31,960
♪ Zee-bap-bop!
372
00:18:31,960 --> 00:18:34,600
♪ Scooby-doo-bee-doo-bee, whoop,
bap-bo-bee, zee-bap
373
00:18:34,600 --> 00:18:39,520
♪ Skippity-bop, bo-bap, dee-do,
dop-do, doz-vee, doz-vay
374
00:18:39,520 --> 00:18:43,280
♪ Doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo,
doz-vay, doz-vap, duh, do-doe-day
375
00:18:43,280 --> 00:18:45,160
♪ Skippity-bop, bo-bop, de-bop
376
00:18:45,160 --> 00:18:49,080
♪ Scoo-bop, de-bop, bo. ♪
377
00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:57,280
I've had a couple already,
I'm a bit nervous.
378
00:18:57,280 --> 00:18:58,680
Oh, don't be. What do you want?
379
00:18:58,680 --> 00:19:00,680
To be loved.
380
00:19:00,680 --> 00:19:03,720
I mean, beer. A beer.
381
00:19:03,720 --> 00:19:05,000
Good.
382
00:19:05,000 --> 00:19:06,240
JAZZ MUSIC IN BACKGROUND
383
00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:10,120
PHONE DINGS
384
00:19:11,560 --> 00:19:14,920
ON TV: Most mammals don't need
more than one parent.
385
00:19:16,400 --> 00:19:20,840
The female gestates,
gives birth, lactates,
386
00:19:20,840 --> 00:19:23,160
feeds and raises her young.
387
00:19:23,160 --> 00:19:24,880
So, some exciting wedding news.
388
00:19:24,880 --> 00:19:26,760
It's cancelled?
389
00:19:26,760 --> 00:19:29,200
The male's input to parenting...
390
00:19:29,200 --> 00:19:31,040
You got your parents to give
us some money?
391
00:19:31,040 --> 00:19:32,600
..of an ejaculation. Erm, no.
392
00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:36,600
But we do have two best men
now, so...
393
00:19:36,600 --> 00:19:41,400
Two? Yeah. Jim thought maybe
he'd like to do it,
394
00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:43,760
if perhaps that
was all right with you?
395
00:19:43,760 --> 00:19:46,680
It'd be like we had a best man
each -
396
00:19:46,680 --> 00:19:49,320
Sara for you and Jim for... OK.
397
00:19:49,320 --> 00:19:52,680
..have to be warmed constantly to
keep the chicks inside alive.
398
00:19:52,680 --> 00:19:55,560
Are you all right with it? Yeah,
yeah. He's your best mate, so...
399
00:19:57,840 --> 00:19:59,400
It won't be weird because...?
400
00:19:59,400 --> 00:20:01,360
Because he's the BEST man?
401
00:20:16,480 --> 00:20:19,320
I'm impressed you paid.
402
00:20:19,320 --> 00:20:22,680
I'm impressed at your height
and the suit.
403
00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:24,840
I guess you've got a proper job?
404
00:20:24,840 --> 00:20:26,800
F-finance, loosely.
405
00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:29,880
More specifically, helping
companies motivate their stock
406
00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:31,040
in a sluggish market.
407
00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:38,040
God, when I put it like that,
it sounds really sexy.
408
00:20:39,760 --> 00:20:41,640
Bottle of champagne, please.
409
00:20:41,640 --> 00:20:43,520
What a coincidence!
410
00:20:43,520 --> 00:20:45,440
I should never have told
you where I was going.
411
00:20:45,440 --> 00:20:48,000
SIMON: Took my advice, then.
Time to get your leg over,
412
00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:50,840
no mistake.
Oh, you're bloody handsome!
413
00:20:50,840 --> 00:20:52,320
THEY CHUCKLE
414
00:20:52,320 --> 00:20:54,120
What are you doing here? Go away!
415
00:20:54,120 --> 00:20:56,280
Well, we had to get out of bed
sometime, didn't we?
416
00:20:56,280 --> 00:20:58,640
Your mum and dad come to keep
an eye on me?
417
00:20:58,640 --> 00:21:01,400
Oh! Go away! Come on.
She's such a...
418
00:21:03,160 --> 00:21:04,600
He's not my dad.
419
00:21:04,600 --> 00:21:05,920
MUM LAUGHS
420
00:21:07,480 --> 00:21:08,680
SIMON GROANS
421
00:21:08,680 --> 00:21:11,040
He... He seems nice.
422
00:21:11,040 --> 00:21:14,040
It must be nice, knowing she's got
someone to take care of her.
423
00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:16,880
I always hoped my mum would find
someone else after...
424
00:21:16,880 --> 00:21:18,640
..after dad died. It's not nice.
425
00:21:18,640 --> 00:21:21,560
It ruins everything, having a big
fat cuckoo in your family
426
00:21:21,560 --> 00:21:22,960
trying to push you out of the nest
427
00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:24,640
so he can have
your mum all to himself.
428
00:21:24,640 --> 00:21:26,600
Here you are, darling.
There's your bottle.
429
00:21:26,600 --> 00:21:27,800
Hmm.
430
00:21:29,320 --> 00:21:30,560
Yes?
431
00:21:30,560 --> 00:21:33,920
I'm a very intuitive
person, OK? OK.
432
00:21:33,920 --> 00:21:35,520
You're quite immature.
433
00:21:35,520 --> 00:21:38,640
No! You depend on your mum still.
434
00:21:38,640 --> 00:21:42,040
I don't depend on her,
I look out for her.
435
00:21:42,040 --> 00:21:43,360
That's a man's job.
436
00:21:43,360 --> 00:21:44,440
All right, the '50s.
437
00:21:44,440 --> 00:21:45,880
Well, where is your dad?
438
00:21:45,880 --> 00:21:47,160
He's gone.
439
00:21:48,480 --> 00:21:50,040
We've got that in common.
440
00:21:50,040 --> 00:21:52,520
He's not dead. He lives in America.
441
00:21:52,520 --> 00:21:55,680
Is he in finance, by any chance?
442
00:21:55,680 --> 00:21:58,200
♪ Bop, bo, zoo-ee
443
00:21:58,200 --> 00:22:00,160
♪ Zoo-ee, bae
444
00:22:00,160 --> 00:22:02,000
♪ Zoo-whoo. ♪
445
00:22:02,000 --> 00:22:03,560
SHE LAUGHS
446
00:22:03,560 --> 00:22:07,320
No. I only ask because
I heard that girls fancy guys
447
00:22:07,320 --> 00:22:09,160
that are like their dad.
448
00:22:09,160 --> 00:22:10,960
Well, I don't.
449
00:22:10,960 --> 00:22:12,320
Well, what are you looking for?
450
00:22:12,320 --> 00:22:13,520
Nothing.
451
00:22:14,640 --> 00:22:17,000
That is like your dad, then.
452
00:22:18,640 --> 00:22:19,920
Absent.
453
00:22:22,920 --> 00:22:24,720
SOFT TICKING
454
00:22:27,760 --> 00:22:29,040
♪ Doz-vee, doz-vay
455
00:22:29,040 --> 00:22:30,800
♪ Doo-doo, do, doz-vee,
doo-doo, do... ♪
456
00:22:34,360 --> 00:22:36,400
If one of your parents flies away,
457
00:22:36,400 --> 00:22:39,600
it's impossible for that
not to matter.
458
00:22:39,600 --> 00:22:44,400
Our ancestors' needs mean we are
wired to mourn their absence.
459
00:22:44,400 --> 00:22:45,680
♪ Be-bop. ♪
460
00:22:45,680 --> 00:22:47,320
But we aren't eggs,
461
00:22:47,320 --> 00:22:50,000
we just feel these effects
because we used to be.
462
00:22:51,840 --> 00:22:54,800
No, no, they're not connected.
463
00:22:54,800 --> 00:22:58,640
Anyway, great analysis
and conversation.
464
00:22:58,640 --> 00:23:00,680
And you're tall,
you've got lovely skin,
465
00:23:00,680 --> 00:23:03,360
and my mum said you're handsome,
so all better?
466
00:23:03,360 --> 00:23:05,720
MUM LAUGHS
Let's go. Mmm?
467
00:23:07,480 --> 00:23:09,440
Oh, my card. Hey! Would you like...?
468
00:23:09,440 --> 00:23:11,720
MUM: Want to borrow some johnnies?
469
00:23:14,080 --> 00:23:17,640
If you can't take a bit of sport,
do you know what I mean?
470
00:23:17,640 --> 00:23:19,440
Aw!
471
00:23:20,680 --> 00:23:23,560
SHE LAUGHS
472
00:23:23,560 --> 00:23:24,840
THUDDING AND SQUEAKING
473
00:23:24,840 --> 00:23:27,800
The pub? I've never known
her to go to a pub.
474
00:23:27,800 --> 00:23:30,200
How well do we even know our mother?
475
00:23:30,200 --> 00:23:32,480
She shares more with Facebook
than with me.
476
00:23:32,480 --> 00:23:34,400
Facebook is less judgmental.
477
00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:36,440
You don't know what you're
talking about, Marie.
478
00:23:36,440 --> 00:23:38,360
They're stealing our data.
479
00:23:38,360 --> 00:23:40,800
Maybe it is serious.
It definitely is!
480
00:23:40,800 --> 00:23:42,400
Mark Zuckerberg knows stuff.
481
00:23:42,400 --> 00:23:45,040
He knows that I got Hufflepuff
in the Sorting Hat quiz.
482
00:23:45,040 --> 00:23:46,360
What?
483
00:23:48,040 --> 00:23:49,320
Oh, Mum.
484
00:23:49,320 --> 00:23:53,600
Yeah. Yeah, we need to get rid of
Simon as quickly as possible.
485
00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:55,600
She is not bringing him
to the wedding.
486
00:23:55,600 --> 00:23:57,520
No way. I hate him.
487
00:23:57,520 --> 00:23:59,560
I am not going round when
he's there.
488
00:23:59,560 --> 00:24:01,240
Yes, we'll do a boycott.
489
00:24:02,560 --> 00:24:05,920
Can I hate Stefan?
No! That's different.
490
00:24:05,920 --> 00:24:07,720
Where's all this suddenly come from?
491
00:24:10,840 --> 00:24:14,280
♪ Ski-bop, whee-bom
492
00:24:14,280 --> 00:24:16,680
♪ Za-bu, da-bom
493
00:24:16,680 --> 00:24:18,200
♪ Zip. ♪
494
00:24:18,200 --> 00:24:20,320
I had night terrors.
495
00:24:20,320 --> 00:24:22,200
I was inside a shell.
496
00:24:22,200 --> 00:24:25,400
My mum kept sitting on me
and I couldn't breathe
497
00:24:25,400 --> 00:24:29,920
and I wanted her to get off and I
kept shouting and saying, "Go away!"
498
00:24:29,920 --> 00:24:32,120
ECHOING: Go away!
And she wouldn't leave.
499
00:24:37,760 --> 00:24:39,160
I've just realised...
500
00:24:40,360 --> 00:24:41,440
..she couldn't.
501
00:24:44,920 --> 00:24:47,680
Look at the state of you.
502
00:24:47,680 --> 00:24:49,240
DOOR SHUTS
503
00:24:49,240 --> 00:24:50,440
INDISTINCT MUTTERS
504
00:24:51,800 --> 00:24:55,200
Watch out, Simon.
She stinks of booze.
505
00:24:55,200 --> 00:24:57,360
Hello, Simon. Hiya.
506
00:24:58,520 --> 00:25:00,920
Come to give us all
the sordid details?
507
00:25:03,000 --> 00:25:05,440
Did you two have a good night?
508
00:25:05,440 --> 00:25:06,800
Smashing.
509
00:25:08,640 --> 00:25:11,400
Big fella. You seeing him again?
510
00:25:11,400 --> 00:25:14,480
Probably not.
Sara never sees them again.
511
00:25:14,480 --> 00:25:17,640
No, yeah. No, we're probably
better off as people
512
00:25:17,640 --> 00:25:19,720
who never see each other again.
513
00:25:19,720 --> 00:25:21,680
I called him a big raven
in my sleep
514
00:25:21,680 --> 00:25:24,080
and tried to fight off his
beating wings.
515
00:25:24,080 --> 00:25:26,080
Hey, Simon, sorry.
516
00:25:27,400 --> 00:25:29,680
Terrible reunion. I was very rude.
517
00:25:32,480 --> 00:25:35,560
I never think about what my mum
needs, only what I need from her.
518
00:25:38,720 --> 00:25:40,080
Want any breakfast?
519
00:25:40,080 --> 00:25:42,000
I'll puke, Mum, but thanks.
520
00:25:43,280 --> 00:25:44,960
You're very lucky, Sara.
521
00:25:46,600 --> 00:25:50,440
Your mum is a very sexy lady.
522
00:25:52,360 --> 00:25:53,960
SHE CHUCKLES
523
00:25:57,480 --> 00:26:00,920
This is why the colour of the
pus is so important.
524
00:26:00,920 --> 00:26:02,320
KNOCKING ON DOOR
525
00:26:04,800 --> 00:26:07,800
Some pus is perfectly healthy -
it just gets bad PR.
526
00:26:09,120 --> 00:26:11,840
Oh! She didn't even notice.
527
00:26:11,840 --> 00:26:13,440
No, you had...?
528
00:26:13,440 --> 00:26:16,440
You were absolutely correct
about finding the right person.
529
00:26:16,440 --> 00:26:19,080
Oh. I just need to find women
with daddy issues,
530
00:26:19,080 --> 00:26:22,440
remind them how rejected they've
been, and bam!
531
00:26:22,440 --> 00:26:23,560
Oh, my.
532
00:26:25,560 --> 00:26:26,600
See ya.
533
00:26:33,760 --> 00:26:35,640
MUM: No, can't be.
534
00:26:38,280 --> 00:26:40,840
Why did you block me on Facebook?
535
00:26:40,840 --> 00:26:44,120
You rang me during EastEnders. Mum.
536
00:26:44,120 --> 00:26:45,360
What does it matter?
537
00:26:45,360 --> 00:26:47,640
You never liked anything
I put up anyway.
538
00:26:47,640 --> 00:26:51,160
How did you know I didn't...?
You never liked anything.
539
00:26:52,680 --> 00:26:54,400
I'm going to make
more of an effort.
540
00:26:56,360 --> 00:26:58,680
I'm really growing up,
have you noticed?
541
00:27:02,080 --> 00:27:03,880
PHONE CHIMES
542
00:27:03,880 --> 00:27:06,480
Does that mean you're going on
a second date?
543
00:27:06,480 --> 00:27:07,960
I don't think so.
544
00:27:07,960 --> 00:27:11,720
But he did send me a cute photo of a
woodland creature, so that's nice.
545
00:27:11,720 --> 00:27:13,800
Aw. So it's got you back
on the horse.
546
00:27:13,800 --> 00:27:15,640
It's great to be back on the horse.
547
00:27:15,640 --> 00:27:17,360
THEY CHUCKLE
548
00:27:20,440 --> 00:27:22,040
The horse being Simon. Mm-hm.
549
00:27:29,600 --> 00:27:31,560
I'm sorry you never got
remarried, Mum.
550
00:27:32,880 --> 00:27:34,960
I'm sorry you had to do
everything by yourself.
551
00:27:36,160 --> 00:27:39,120
Nibbles. We haven't got
any...nibbles.
552
00:27:42,040 --> 00:27:46,200
And everything I'm going through
has made me realise
553
00:27:46,200 --> 00:27:48,560
how hard it must have been for you.
554
00:27:48,560 --> 00:27:51,560
Change the subject. Ancient history.
555
00:27:55,840 --> 00:27:58,680
I've been thinking about the
wedding and... Yeah?
556
00:27:58,680 --> 00:28:01,640
..I just think it'd be weird
for Dad to be there.
557
00:28:01,640 --> 00:28:04,480
He's not been involved in
any part of our lives.
558
00:28:04,480 --> 00:28:06,880
Oh, well, he's still your father.
559
00:28:06,880 --> 00:28:10,360
What does that mean?
Mum, you're our parents.
560
00:28:15,240 --> 00:28:17,160
I don't want him to come.
561
00:28:17,160 --> 00:28:19,000
I think Lucy should get
what she wants.
562
00:28:21,280 --> 00:28:24,760
Well, part of growing up is not
getting what you want.
563
00:28:24,760 --> 00:28:27,080
That's not true.
DOORBELL RINGS
564
00:28:27,080 --> 00:28:28,280
I'll get it.
565
00:28:34,360 --> 00:28:35,560
Hi.
566
00:28:37,720 --> 00:28:41,200
Lucy? What?!
CAROL SCREAMS
567
00:28:41,200 --> 00:28:46,480
♪ Doodely-bop, dip-zop,
zee-zip, zip, zo
568
00:28:46,480 --> 00:28:53,280
♪ Wee, wee, wee, wah, zoo-bop
569
00:28:53,280 --> 00:28:55,600
♪ Whip, bop, zwee, do
570
00:28:55,600 --> 00:28:59,600
♪ Doe-do, da-doe, bae-ba, doe-eh
zoo-bop, doe-de-day
571
00:28:59,600 --> 00:29:02,480
♪ Zwee, ah! ♪
572
00:29:02,480 --> 00:29:04,280
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
42250
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