Original subtitles

FUNKY BEAT PLAYS

Between puberty and menopause, the female body undergoes

a monthly cycle of construction and destruction.

Around and around.

The party begins with the hypothalamus

and the pituitary gland in the brain.

A follicle-stimulating hormone

is released, stimulating follicles.

A spike in luteinizing hormone triggers ovulation.

And here it is -

a ripened ovum.

♪ What will be my destiny?

♪ Period

♪ Or pregnancy? ♪

Stop slapping it.

Excuse me? Unless you've got a new career I don't know about

as a lettuce dominatrix. I'm tossing it! You're in a terrible mood.

I'm still not talking to Lucy cos she wants that stupid boob job.

Just call her. No way! I'm too furious.

Don't make me be a cliche and say, "I'm coming on my period," yeah,

but I'm coming on my period, so stop criticising me!

Whoa. Don't say "whoa" when I'm expressing myself!

I wasn't criticising you,

I was trying to protect my lunch. Is it a relief to be pregnant

and not on the menstrual merry-go-round?

Oh, God, pregnancy hormones are so much worse!

That's like Booker Prize-winning. Sounds like a title.

"Really? Are they bad, Scoopy? Tell me about them."

I know you're being sarcastic, but you can tell me.

It might be good for my novel, The Menstrual Merry-Go-Round.

OK. Don't take offence.

Can't promise.

I've been trying to talk to you about something

and, somehow, the conversation still ends up about you.

Go on, tell me.

What do you need to talk about?

Well, you know, I guess it's just about...

The baby we're having for me? What about it?

Urgh.

FUNKY BEAT PLAYS

I have dreams where I'm pregnant, but always with a cat

or a litter of puppies.

And, when I give birth, they scramble away.

I can't control them.

They get run over or starve to death under hedges.

And, in the dream, everybody knows what I did and how bad I was,

that I couldn't do the most basic womanly thing

and keep my babies alive.

Oh, look at the time! We're going to be late.

Sorry! Sorry I'm late!

Well, you certainly look the part. Is it crowning?

Oh, I think I'm going to be sick.

Even better. Authentic.

Where is Scoopy? I mean other Sara.

She won't come.

She's gone to work. OK.

Should she be...? She took an extra shift.

Why? Why would a pregnant woman refuse to come to her own NCT class?

And I quote, "I don't want to know about all the birth stuff.

"I'll deal with it when I get there. How hard can breathing be?

"I do it every day!" Oh, God.

She's in denial.

So irresponsible. Mate.

I'm shitting myself.

You know, sometimes I think what they need is someone sensible

to take charge and put their foot down.

Have you tried that?

Oh, no, I wouldn't dare.

I just keep hoping someone else will.

Yeah.

LAUGHTER AND CHATTER

Relax. Most cosmetic surgery consultations don't result

in anything but reassurance.

Do you mind if I make a few notes, then we can discuss what

you'd like to alter?

I've got a picture I could show you.

You want to...?

Sorry, I don't understand.

I know the one I want.

I've got it on my phone.

Sorry, I don't...

She texted it to my husband, and, well, he kept it,

so he must have liked it.

I'm afraid I can't just make your genitals look like somebody else's.

Oh. It's my sister's, so there'll be a family resemblance.

VIDEO: Just breathe for me and out.

Getting a baby out of the female body is like getting

a Range Rover out of a bus.

Impractical and dangerous.

In nature, both bus and Ranger Rover can die.

SCREAMING

What's this?

Are you having a gay affair? Have I caught you?

Bags I get to tell Scoops and Lucy!

Shall we all go on Jeremy Kyle?

We watched a video. What?

They just put it on.

We weren't prepared. I don't understand.

We saw...it.

It's not real.

Most clowns don't even kill people.

No, the lady. They ripped her open, it was huge.

Do you mean Alien? C-section.

Who's in that?

I can't believe that's what women have to do.

Birth, it's... Gah!

It's... Women don't have to do it.

I'm glad Scoopy wasn't there.

No wonder she's scared. Is she?

What's she scared of?

Haven't you asked her? What kind of husband are you?

She won't talk about it.

Well, you have to tell her she has to! Put your foot down.

This is important! Stop laughing, you idiots!

Leave it with me.

You could reassure her. You've done it twice.

What are you doing? Squeezes.

Were you scared?

I loved giving birth.

I took all the drugs they give me, plus some magic mushrooms

I brought myself.

Just let go.

Let my body do its thing.

Wow.

I was like a barnyard cow.

Or donkey. Right.

Just braying and mooing and getting it done.

The scary bit came after.

Don't really like babies or children.

I wanted to practise orgasmic birth when I had your sister. Gross!

But, of course, your dad got the wrong end of the stick,

got kicked off the ward. I think we've gotten off topic.

99.

SHE EXHALES 100.

Done.

Got to be a seven.

No, there's no plastic, we don't put anything inside you.

We just cut and stitch what's already there.

Oh, I thought the plastic made it tighter,

like a grippy snake's throat.

Can I ask why this is important to you?

If this is a psychological problem, then... I've got three young kids.

OK. My body's been taken over.

I want it back for me.

Is this your first?

I've performed several vaginoplasties, usually for

reconstruction after prolapse, or... Is this your first child?

Let me give you some advice.

I presume it is your first child.

Oh, I'm... I'm not pregnant.

Well, what are you doing here

if I'm so un-maternal.

I didn't say you were un-maternal.

I said you weren't nurturing.

I'm your mum. Can't get more maternal than that.

Stop being so defensive.

No!

I just meant that you were finding it so hard to understand why Scoopy

might be worried that, maybe, well, she's thinking about it a bit more.

Too much. She's thinking about it too much.

What it means to be a mother.

It means you've got kids.

Wow, that's it. You've solved it. Thanks, Mum.

I'll just tell Scoopy that. You're welcome.

Oh, also, she wants a baby shower.

What? Yeah.

She was talking about it at Zumba. Lame.

Oh, great friend you are!

I am! Throw her a baby shower, then.

The only throwing I'll be doing is up. Urgh.

If I throw a baby shower, that proves that I don't make everything

about me because it will be about Scoopy and the baby.

In your face, everyone. SHE CHUCKLES

Also, if everyone's talking about baby stuff, that might help

Scoopy discuss her fears.

I'll invite lots of mummy people and they can share their tips

on umbilical cords and their nipples...

..but I don't want to do it.

All right, I'll tell Lucy to throw her one then.

No. I'm sure she won't mind.

They've been getting on so well recently. No, I'll do it.

She's my friend.

And Lucy's not invited.

CRUNCHING

This is it, adulthood. Doing things you don't want to do

to make other people think you're a good person.

Mrs Answers, please will you help me?

What is a baby shower?

Baby showers are a fun way of celebrating a mother to be.

Puke. Popular in the US and Australia.

A fun way of announcing the sex of the babies.

I'm a girl! Woo!

A modern and fun take on the party bag.

PARTY HORN

Gifts can be practical for Baby, or lush and pampering for Mum.

Mm-mm. Play "guess the baby's name",

"dirty nappies", "who can tear the paper perineum fastest?"

OK. I think that's plenty now.

Biscuits with babies on them.

Cheese in the shape of a buggy.

The stripper should wear a nappy,

and be covered in jam and custard.

SHE SIGHS

Where was my party when I had an abortion?

I've put on my serious hat because I don't want you to think

I was being flippant about my termination.

Also, I don't want you reading too much into that.

Oh, I get it.

Half watching me, half scrolling through Instagram.

Sara Pascoe's weird about her mate's pregnancy because she once

extinguished a foetus.

Those two things are completely unconnected.

♪ It's going to hurt like hell

♪ On the day that it happens

♪ It's going to hurt like hell... ♪

Ooh. That's the kind of thing.

Oh! Ideal. But it doesn't say where it is.

Oh! Oh! Perfect!

Well done, me!

♪ It's going to hurt like hell. ♪

Hello!

You work here as well?

Got to get back in the show somehow.

I'm glad to see you, actually.

Hey, that's nice. Me too.

Where's my story line? Here it is.

You get to watch me not being selfish.

Lucky me. I'd like to book this place for a baby shower. Here?

It is called Babies. Except it isn't.

Babes, like babies.

Like sexy babes.

Do you hire it out for parties? 300 minimum spend. Fine.

Sunday before we open? Fine.

We open at ten. Fine.

So eight. Great.

How far along are you?

Oh, no, no, no, no, I'm not.

I'm just... This jumper's quite thick, and, um,

I'm due on, so I get all swollen. With the planning.

Oh, I still need to get a cake and a stripper.

It's woeful, isn't it?

My womb's prepping for a baby who doesn't come.

All that wasted effort.

It's like if you arranged a party on Sunday and then no-one turned up.

Then you'd have to pay £300.

It was an analogy.

I'm going to need the full amount as a deposit...

..in case you flake and don't turn up.

Will you do decorations? Nope.

See you at 8am, Sunday.

A-M?

Shit.

It's not like I see pregnant people and think, "Oh, yeah,

"I could have had a baby." I don't.

And when my sister got pregnant and didn't know whether to keep it,

it didn't feel related to what had happened to me.

Hello. I don't wonder.

I don't cry.

I don't exist.

This is very background.

I'm always here, a manifestation of your abortion.

But it's faint.

It was over 16 years ago.

I'm growing up, even though I didn't happen.

That's right. OK?

What do you mean what kind of breakfast?

Well, what did the review say?

It just said, "Really, really good."

Three-word review, they've started doing that

in The Guardian, have they?

There was an interesting article, actually.

I'm so hungry! About how some men

can feel left out of their pregnancy.

Right, would you, erm, save me a copy of that?

Sure. Yeah, so I can wipe my arse with it later.

It was online.

You know, at the NCT class,

they thought that we were a gay couple. So?

Well, I'm not cool enough to be gay.

Some woman asked me if I knew any happening clubs, and I just blanked

and said, "Tesco's".

Well, next time, you don't have to go with Stefan.

Are you sure? Yeah, just go by yourself.

Why have we stopped? I need to eat. We're here.

SHE SIGHS

ALL: Surprise!

I arranged all this!

You lied about breakfast.

Happy baby shower!

I thought this would be...nice.

I'm here now, so you can go.

Happy shower!

Is there any food?

MUSIC PLAYS

Have a cocktail, go on! There's a minimum spend.

Just buy it. You don't have to drink it.

Hi. Mummy's fucking tired.

Do...?

Do you want to stay at the party or wait in the car? Car.

Well, you can't. Just go and enjoy the party.

How come you're here? Mum. I told you, you weren't invited!

To be fair, that's what she told me, and the time, and the address.

I am so glad I came.

I needed to see this shit shambles with my own eyes.

You're a shit shambles.

Can we just talk about you being best man?

Not now, Lucy.

I'm being an incredible hostess!

And if you're staying, there's a minimum spend!

Oh, Sara, I would have to drink to stay here.

What's wrong with it?

I think I did a really nice thing,

and everyone should be congratulating me. Excuse me, sorry.

Oh, yeah. Don't let Marie lie on the dance floor.

There's some broken glassy stuff. I think it's glass.

How do you know all these mums?

I don't. I put up a Post-it in the library saying that

there's a free show with a Teletubby.

Sara! I wasn't lying.

I think he used to be inside the red one. Is it Dipsy?

♪ I've got baby sick in my hair

♪ What's that on your arm?

♪ Diarrhoea

♪ I feed all day, can hardly move

♪ Oh, my God, a blimp

♪ That's just my boob

♪ My email's stuck on autoreply because I can't talk now... ♪

Oh.

CHATTERING

Is someone chasing you? I need a wee!

Go, go! Can you...?

BABY GURGLES Yes.

BABY CRIES

You're going to find this is like nothing...

Oh, my God. Mum!

She's not maternal, is she?

No.

♪ It's going to hurt like hell

♪ On the day that it happens

♪ It's going to hurt like hell

♪ It's going to make an impression... ♪

MUSIC BECOMES MUFFLED

DISTANT: Did you just decide it's not for you? Huh?

Not for you?

I've had three.

Oh, I don't like them.

I suppose you wanted to concentrate on your career.

I don't like the milky smell.

It's the best thing I've ever done!

Look, I feel like a full woman now.

Yeah, yogurts don't fill me up.

Did you bring that from home? Have you got any more? Can I have one?

Are you enjoying yourself?

Are you serious? It's my worst nightmare.

Oh. Sorry, mate.

No, it's fine. It's nearly over.

I'll just do the cake, and then...

Sorry, I thought this is what you wanted.

I don't want to be around mums.

I thought you could chat to them,

you know, that stuff I can't help you with.

I have nothing in common with these people.

Oh, thank you!

Oh.

BABY CRIES

BOTTLE POPS

That's it! Everybody, look at me!

Over here now! If you could just give me your attention!

Eyes and ears, please!

Everybody... Turn the music down!

Turn it off. MUSIC STOPS

That's it. Everybody, look at me!

Time for the cake! Gather round!

Please, may I have your attention for the big reveal?

What are you revealing? I haven't told you what it is! The cake knows.

It is going to be a...

..white!

Woo! Don't cheer whiteness!

That's a bit of a twist, isn't it?

How will it be white?

Oh, Steve! Stop forgetting about Steve!

Stop having a go at me!

This is because of Steve.

He told me you were scared.

And this is supposed to be...

Tell your kid to stop pinching my arse!

..comforting. I'm not scared.

Is there anything I can do to help?

Oh, it must be weird thinking, "There's this big thing inside me

"and I need to push it out." It's not that.

I'm not worried about the birth. It's...

Like...

When it's born, after that, like...

..I'm a mum. And they're so rubbish.

But you won't be like these prats.

I want my mum.

Oh.

It's just not fair...

..to be somebody else's when...

..who's going to be mine?

CHILDREN LAUGH

I would offer you mine, but...

Get off!

Fucking kids!

An unfertilised ovum arrives at the uterus,

triggering a decrease in progesterone.

The work has been in vain.

The endometrial lining, which would have supported the early

foetal growth, will now be shed over the next few days.

For some people, getting their period is a relief.

Thank fuck for that!

For others, it is a loss and a disappointment.

For everyone in between, it is a...

Bloody inconvenience!

POUNDING DANCE MUSIC

None of these pregnant women has a tampon. Do you? So?

Do you have one? I stopped using them.

I use a Mooncup. Can I borrow it?

It's inside me.

Oh, no, wait.

Marie calls it her mermaid.

Sorry, mermaid.

You're welcome!

Large Bacardi, please!

Thinking about the thickening lining

and the little travelling egg helps me make sense of the emotion.

I get this crushing sadness always.

My body knows something I don't,

is mourning the choices I have made without it.

The sadness isn't real, except I still have to feel it.

I have never wanted a baby.

"Oh, you'll change your mind when you're older," people said.

And now I am older, and people assume I must be sorry, but I'm not.

I am the main character.

Why would I give that up for a supporting role?

You know the wedding? I've heard of it, every day,

ever since he proposed, yes.

It's so important to me that you are a part of it.

That's what you're not getting, Sar.

You being best man at the front with me is more important

than flowers or dresses

or just whether we get a good Robbie Williams impersonator.

Every girl dreams.

I do like being up at the front.

So, you're back in? Best man is the main character,

when you think about it.

It's the main part of the wedding.

CHEERING

No.

Bride is the main part.

CHEERING

Bride. Oh.

Why does everyone keep having needs?

What about my need to not consider anybody else's needs?

Boo!

Boo is what ghosts say.

The party only ends so that another party can start,

over and over, every few weeks, until, one day,

the parties are finished forever.

Don't come to me as you say that.

I'm not menopausal.

Mind over matter.

Oh, God.

Why am I so drunk?

It's the morning.

POUNDING BEAT PLAYS

I know it's my hormones and because I drank at 8am.

But I'm not crying.

My body is or something.

Low oestrogen and progesterone.

And high Bacardi. Yeah.

I'm sorry if you wanted to be alive, and you never got the chance.

I'm sorry if you think I'm really selfish.

I'm not here to judge you.

I'm not here at all.

I don't regret it.

That doesn't mean I don't care.

You can feel stuff without regretting it, you know?

I don't know.

Five minutes, Marie.

I find it so weird, all those people growing people inside them.

Imagine making teeth in your womb.

Do you ever think about when you got pregnant, Luce?

Do you ever wonder about the opposite?

Are you all right?

If I'd been a mum and you'd got your abortion...

Oh, my God, that is too horrible.

..and then there would have been this other person around.

And you were going to get rid of Marie, and even though I know

she wasn't Marie yet, and then we would never have known Marie.

Marie was always going...

Why were you going to get rid of me?

♪ Baby, baby

♪ Oh, my little baby

♪ I heard you're a slut

♪ You like it sexy

♪ You like it rough

♪ Come here, let me fire you up

♪ Turn you round, yeah

♪ Lick my butt

♪ Ooh, yeah, feel me up

♪ I like it sexy Like it rough

♪ Give it to me on your knees

♪ Make me squirt

♪ Yeah, grill my cheese. ♪

Go on, all of your friends are having one.

What else are you going to do with your life?