Original subtitles

Here we go.

It's starting!

Thank you for coming, everyone!

Hello.

I'm the main character.

This is my story.

No! Not her.

There I am - the hero!

My name is Sara Pascoe,

and I'm going to destroy your faith in love.

MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYS

Hey.

Yes? I was here the other night.

So, I was telling you about my sister.

You were so nice.

I can't give you any more free stuff.

No. Erm...

I just wanted to let you know that she doesn't have cancer.

That wasn't her big news. That's good.

Though, she might have it and not know it yet.

Any of us might.

When was your last smear test?

What do you want?

To say thank you.

Would you like anything to eat?

Do YOU want something?

Go on! Anything you'd like.

You're asking me to order food?

The special is spicy rice and black beans.

I'm glad your sister's OK.

She got engaged.

We have to stop her!

SHE CHUCKLES I'm joking.

Haven't you got friends you can talk to about this?

My best friend's name is also Sara.

Like me.

My name's Sara, and Sara's name is Sara.

Sara Cooper. So we call her Scoopy.

I've rung her 13 times and she hasn't answered.

I think she's at her job.

Scoopy's a cosmetic surgeon, so she has to concentrate.

PATRON CLEARS THROAT

She says, I have to learn... PATRON: Come on.

..to respect people's boundaries and not turn up at their workplace

to go on and on about myself and my latest calamity.

Yeah. OK. Bye.

Scoopy's married, too.

Why?

She has me.

Thank you for FINALLY getting back to me.

It is quite a bloody big deal.

Can I have a yoghurt?

Eat them all. They're so disgusting. I don't know why I buy them.

I don't think that you understand the weight of what happened.

Lucy told me it was bad.

She shoved the ring in my face all proud,

and I took a deep breath and I said,

"Don't worry, I'm not going to say the wrong thing."

Yeah, right. Like when I told you I was pregnant?

I'll never even see you again!

The baby will always want to see you!

I'm over the baby now. I'm being really mature.

Are you? Can I home-school it?

No.

Your belly is getting bigger and bigger, and it feels

like it's pushing me away.

So, what happened with Lucy?

I'm getting married!

D...

I was trying so hard not to say the wrong thing

that I couldn't say anything.

It's good that you're trying. Do you have any spoons?

I am trying.

Why didn't you just say, "Congratulations, Lucy"?

I didn't think of that. There were so many things I was suppressing.

I didn't want to bring up conflict in the Congo,

and how problematic diamonds are.

Where are your spoons? Even though they are.

OK. Can you say something, though?

You've been staring at my hand for eight minutes.

Yeah...

Spoon.

Diamonds are shining beads of bloodshed.

That's not engagement chat!

Yeah. Also, I decided not to tell her what I thought when I looked

at her hand, which was,

"Oh, God, we're all skeletons with meat on us."

Wow. I'm really trying to hear things in my head first,

like you recommended.

Do you want to move back in?

No. You can. I don't mind.

I'll tell Steve for you.

What, that I'm leaving him?

You tried it. It didn't work out.

We could call the baby Sara after both of us.

You don't have any spoons.

Is that the only reason?

Because I will get some.

I don't know why you're finding Lucy's engagement so hard.

Like...just be happy for people.

Why? Because you care about them.

No, that's what I said to her.

Why?

Cos we love each other, and we... Why?

Can you...can you just listen to me?

Stefan and I, we're just... I don't know,

we're just meant to be together.

Yeah, but why?

Because we want to.

Yes. But why?

Give me one good reason.

He makes me feel amazing.

So? Loads of stuff makes you feel amazing. You're being a baby.

Getting free crisps from the vending machine makes you feel amazing.

This isn't about crisps. And then... This is about the rest of my life.

..they didn't drop down because you'd stolen them.

Oh, my God. You need to get over that. I was nine.

It's the principle.

MOCKINGLY: Ha-ha! Oh, you need to grow up.

I honestly thought, out of all of the people in the world

you'd get it.

What happened to you doesn't happen to everyone.

What happened to me?

Enlightenment.

Seeing the truth.

I really fancy some crisps now.

I'm trying to protect you, Lucy.

There's absolutely no logical reason to marry anyone.

Spare me the lecture. All right?

Which gave me an idea.

I should give my sister a persuasive, well-constructed lecture

to persuade her not to get married.

Dopamine, phenethylamine, oxytocin and vasopressin.

These are some of the hormones and neurotransmitters

that we feel as love.

Dopamine motivates us.

It makes us obsessed with the objects of our affections,

whether that's Adam or Eve or Steve.

Then, once we're paired up,

phenethylamine makes us buzzy and blissful -

can't sleep, can't eat,

can't stop boring others

with how happy you are, how the world has more colours now,

how music really means something.

This is not because you have finally met the one -

it's your brain on phenethylamine.

By all means, enjoy it, because...

..it wears off.

SHOP ANNOUNCEMENT: Today's special in aisle 5 is snake meat.

Tastes just like chicken.

But thanks to the vasopressin and oxytocin that are released by sex

and intimacy, bonding may continue for many years.

This is what I wanted to explain to Lucy.

Though we call it love,

it's really just a set of biological triggers and responses.

It's no more romantic than digestion and excretion,

but I had to tell her that really quickly because she was leaving.

I had to condense it into...

"Your relationship is shit."

CUSTOMERS GIGGLE

It came out wrong.

Did you ever get me tested for autism?

Maybe I'm on the spectrum, and everyone's being really mean to me.

Sara, really, shut up.

Mum! Stop finding yourself so fascinating and help me find the...

What?

You just stopped halfway through a sentence. No, I didn't.

Is this the menopause?

Can't find them. What?

My photo albums from when I married your dad.

I need them for inspiration.

Didn't you do a fire ritual?

I've got to start planning. You burned them all, Mum.

And I'm not menopausal.

Er, I think you are.

DOORBELL CHIMES Oh, the bride to be!

Shit.

Oh!

You promised she wouldn't be here!

Congratulations, Lucy!

She just turned up. I didn't invite her.

Mum! Well, you did. I am allowed to come round.

I wanted to apologise to you, Lucy. Cos Scoops told you to.

Because I didn't react correctly.

She said you didn't have any cutlery in your house.

She's my friend.

Can you stop texting her?

Get your own friend!

I don't have any friends.

They just sleep with your husband.

Give me your hand.

Congratulations and well done.

You're going to be someone's wife. Stefan's!

Yeah, I know. Why do you have to bring him up all the time?

Oh, God.

Glass.

By the way, Luce, if Stefan ever sleeps with one of your friends...

Mum! .. or anyone else, for that matter...

Mum! ..I'll castrate him.

Mum, he wouldn't.

And I've told him that.

Well, Facebooked him.

Stefan wouldn't do that.

Not now he's seen my status update.

Actually, Lucy, now that I've got you, I wanted to explain

to you about the chemicals.

Oh, here she goes.

It's just your body making you feel things.

It's not real.

It's like... My feelings aren't real?

They're real feelings.

What I mean to say is they're not special.

You wanted to get married once.

No, I didn't.

No flashback!

Mum, you're talking nonsense.

She must be really drunk.

Stick your fingers down your throat. That is rude! YOU'RE rude!

Thanks for the engagement party, guys.

So far we've covered my partner's undoubted infidelity,

and how unspecial my emotions are.

So...

SARCASTICALLY: Yeah! Oh, Lucy.

I never thought I'd get married.

I didn't think this would happen.

I never thought I'd get married again.

Mum, you haven't got remarried.

I know.

I'd like to.

Do you know, you two always, without fail, make me feel worse?

Lucy, all I'm saying is if it can happen for you,

it can happen for anyone.

I brought you these crisps to apologise. Oh, that's...

I'm going to be so nice,

and make so much effort. It's going to be the best.

And if you give me the crisps back

then we're even for the ones you stole.

She's... Mum!

SHE LAUGHS

OFF-SCREEN: Other people just ruin everything.

Ah, that's better.

Alone. Cosy.

Reading my intellectual literature.

No, no, no, I'm not being haunted by the past.

No, I'm reading. I'm... I'm not thinking about him.

I'm... No. No.

Yes, concentrate, there's a path and...

Oh, a lovely forest. Oh, very green,

and...is that a badger coming...?

It's over, Sara.

I can't do this.

Don't hate me.

I'm a really great guy.

I said no flashback!

My back story of exquisite pain and rejection has nothing to do

with my current position of extreme cynicism.

Hey!

Don't worry, I'm not here to buy anything.

You don't understand restaurants.

Hold on a sec.

Here. You made me a card?

No. You're a lonely lady.

I'm not lonely. I'm a...lone.

Although, I did ask Scoopy to move back in, so maybe I am ready...

This isn't a card.

..to get a pet. It's a leaflet about cervical cancer.

What's that?

I was just telling Luna how it's possible to be contentedly whole

without being in a relationship.

Oh, yeah, definitely.

Just get your vibrator, and, then, like, fix your car yourself, innit?

Is that a question? Ever since, like, Beyonce and learning to vote,

sky's the limit, innit?

Yeah?

I'm going to be five minutes. Will you cover for me?

You're the boss. Ah, cheers, bro.

Actually, my literal boss.

See you in an hour.

WHISPERING: Is that your boyfriend?

Because we're both black?

Oh, no. No, sorry.

For what? Asking personal questions?

OK. I think I can hear my bus. Bye!

He's my ex.

We've all been there.

Ooooooh.

Now we work together.

Oh, no! And he's seeing my friend...

No! ..who I used to be in love with.

Shit, girl!

What kind of place do you think this is? Get your shoes off the counter!

Sorry.

Do you have any spoons and stuff that I could have?

Your bare feet? How is that better? Get off.

Be careful. She's really difficult to befriend.

Sorry about that.

♪ Me and all of the wonderful things I do

♪ Now I'm free

♪ Living my life how I wanted to

♪ Without you

♪ And all of the wonderful things you do

♪ To me

♪ Making my life feel so colourful

♪ It's true

♪ Life was much better as two

♪ To be alone To be alone

♪ Is a tragedy A tra... ♪

It's not very subtle, is it?

What? Am I supposed to look at this and realise,

"Oh, everyone else is in a couple.

"It must be me who's wrong.

"I'll go and get a boyfriend."

It's very productive for me to be single, actually,

because I can concentrate on my career.

CROWD APPLAUDS

Good evening and welcome to me, Sarah Pascoe.

I focused on my job and worked hard.

I get MY nice brain chemicals from career success.

APPLAUSE

See? And the great thing about getting all your self-worth

from your job is that if it all goes wrong, you're not heartbroken.

Just poor.

JOLLY MUSIC

MUSIC SLOWS

My name's Sara Pascoe and a life without love wore me down.

I had no-one to take care of.

No-one to work hard for.

No affection.

No...

My job is your rock bottom?

Oh! Pardon me.

You look like that comedian.

I am me! Hello.

I used to really like you.

Thank you?

How come you're not on TV any more?

I am! I'm on TV right now.

This is my programme.

You're all on my programme!

BELL RINGS

Start the bus.

BELL RINGS REPEATEDLY

BUS IDLES

DRIVER COUGHS

The trouble with being the main character

is I'm supposed to be likeable.

That's why I have to stop criticising committed monogamy.

You all like it so much.

You believe all the lies about "till death do us part"

and "in sickness and in health."

So...I'll pretend I believe it, too.

I'll join the cult. I'll just keep all my real thoughts buried.

And I'll tell my sister what she wants to hear.

Easy peasy.

Ah!

I wonder what that's about.

Mum? Yeah.

Is this you? Smear tests?!

Hello, guys.

SARA SINGS THE BRIDAL CHORUS

Sara!

CONTINUES SINGING

Do you think this is funny?

What are you doing here?

We had Zumba.

Is that the dress? Nothing suspicious about Zumba.

Why are you wearing that?

I'm being supportive.

How's my baby? Did you book everyone a smear test?

Not you, I'm afraid. I don't have your doctor's details.

I can book my own cervical screening, thanks. You're welcome.

I've saved you the time. Anyway, shut up, everyone.

Will you stop interfering, please?

Did you hear me say shut up? I've had a revelation!

I really love weddings and everything they represent.

I really want to help you, Lucy. Fuck off.

I am getting fully behind the terrible decision you're making.

It's so hard trying to impress you.

So we're just doing, like, a rough ideas brainstorm. Great!

This is so fun and not a waste of money.

Mum's paying for it, so... Of course she is. You work in Boots.

Do you want to stop being a bitch? Don't spit wine at me again.

This isn't funny.

I know, I don't know what's wrong with me. Sorry.

OK. I never want to upset you.

Just because you don't want to get married or do any of that stuff,

doesn't mean you can ruin it for everyone else. All right.

You're right. You're absolutely right.

I'll stop.

Oh, I'll drink to that.

Can I?

Are you allowed to Zumba?

Mind your own business.

How else is she going to keep her weight off?

Scoops, sit.

When I was pregnant, Sara was always going on at me.

"Oh, you shouldn't be drinking, it'll affect the baby's brain."

Where is Marie?

She's at her dad's. I haven't lost her.

Oh! Again?

Right. Planners out.

Does this wedding have a theme?

Urrrrrghh!

What? Nothing! Ignore me. Carry on, I'm being supportive.

All I want is for everything to be perfect.

Oh, that sounds lovely.

Fairground theme.

Nine bridesmaids. Bagsie not bridesmaid.

Can someone write that down? Make a note. Scoops? Yeah.

My moaning, shitting-on-my-parade sister is not a bridesmaid.

She's my friend. Our friend.

Choose. Scoopy's Choice.

N...No. I'd choose Lucy.

Let's change the subject.

Scoopy, please can I have your doctor's details?

Because she lives nearer and she made me a grandmother.

Yeah. Actually, I'd choose Lucy as well. What did you say?

Lucy. Is the one you don't choose?

She's fun to be around.

What, so you can both be wives and talk about veils and housework,

and being heteronormative?

She's not bitter and... No.

Heartbroken. She's still heartbroken.

I'm neither of those things!

What is it about me getting married that has set you off like this?

I'm having the time of my life. I have a TV programme!

And none of you can be in it any more.

Right, you going to have people paying to enter, like a fairground?

The thing about being the main character is you don't need

any of the other characters and they can all piss off.

I'll entertain you by myself.

Ta-dah!

I hate it when people say things like,

"Every little girl dreams of their wedding day"

because I didn't.

I dreamt of my funeral.

I was watching it from up above and everyone was crying

and regretting how mean they'd been to me.

You can't hire a field and put 200 people in it.

That's Glastonbury. Bastards!

I still dream it, literally.

I cry in my sleep

while my subconscious conjures up this big church

with everyone I know all missing me

and celebrating how great I am.

Was.

So I do understand why people want to get married.

It's like a funeral you can enjoy while you're alive.

WEDDING BELLS TOLL

Is it organic? Yeah, definitely.

Oh, I don't know, the other one sounds good as well.

Yes. The Caesar sounds good.

Or you can have a hot box if you like.

Or a cappuccino.

I'll leave it.

Just get some... It's fine.

Sad Halloumi Lady. You know my name.

It me - Sara!

How've you been? What is this?

I thought maybe we could have a nice chat, semi-regularly.

I'd benefit from your cool-person youth wisdom

and you could benefit from my older lady homeowner wisdom.

I know what this is.

You're sneaking me into your programme

so it's not all white people.

It's not my fault all my family are white. Isn't it?

Should I get a dog?

Do I get a plotline or am I just listening to your stuff?

That's my bus!

You shouldn't use people of colour as a way of propping up

or reflecting upon a white person's narrative!

We have our own stories! My niece is bi-racial - in your face!

Why am I still holding your gross shoes?

Hi. Erm...

So, just a few things I want to clear up from this episode.

So, number one, I didn't lose my daughter.

I've never lost my daughter, despite what was insinuated.

I forgot to pick her up from school once.

Erm...

She went bowling with some friends,

had a lovely weekend and social services have been very helpful.

Two - my sister, Sara, is actively trying to ruin

the happiest time of my life.

No. No way.

You're not in it any more. What? Yes. Yes, I am.

Mum! She's not in it either.

Can you just... Can you tell her I'm the more relatable character?

I'm the relatable one. We think Lucy should be the main part.

It's her wedding.

It's a romcom about a single mum finding love

and giving up the sluttery.

Sluttery?! Mum!

I'm the only normal person in this family.

You're not normal.

You've got no spoons.

Yeah, why does this have to be your story?

I mean, I'm the one getting married.

And yet somehow it's all about you.

You've barely talked about my weight loss.

Where's that storyline?

SOBS: I don't know why I'm not over it.

It was 15 years ago. Why am I still broken?

ON FILM: What are you doing here?

I'm glad I caught you. This is bad luck.

It's over, Sara.

I've changed my...

I've changed my mind.

I can't do this.

This isn't the dress. I'm going to try on a different one.

I need a change. But this...

This is a change in the wrong direction. We can wait.

Will you tell your mum? No, let's talk about this tonight.

Shall we...?

It's over, Sara.

I should be normal by now.

It's just brain chemicals. It's not real.

I know Stefan's amazing.

I know you're happy. It's fine.

Sometimes it doesn't go away.

I mean, I still hate my ex. Your father.

Yeah, we all hate Dad, Mum. Mm.

But I don't hate him. Craig.

I just don't know why I'm suddenly thinking about it so much,

all the time. I haven't seen him for years.

I don't want to be obsessing about what happened.

I don't want to be wondering how he is or what's he up to.

What is he up to?

Oh, God. Is he a gigolo?

Um...

Hang on, is that you?

No, that's, erm... That's not us.

You saw Craig?!

♪ See the way I move my crotch?

♪ Count it on your Apple Watch

♪ I can make you love yourself

♪ I'm good for your mental health

♪ I've got the hips of a living god

♪ I've got the hips... ♪

APPLAUSE