All language subtitles for One Hundred and One Nights (Les cent et une nuits de Simon Cinéma) (1995) FR BRD 1080p

ONE HUNDRED AND ONE NIGHTS

I can see, I can hear...

and I'm in my 100th year!

You're sure this is good
for the memory?

That's what people say,
including doctors.

Stop, please.

- What's going on?
- It's a film shoot.

I work too. Screw their movie!

Just a second!

We stopped. Let 'em through, jerk!

Go ahead.

We're rolling, Mica.

Hold up traffic.

There is none.

- This is the chateau...
- Of the 101 Nights.

- Episode One:
- Monsieur Cinema.

First slate.

So you're the film expert.

You're a student!

I'm doing an MA,
which means I already have my BA.

Is this old Mr. Cinema a nice man?

What is this, a circus?

You'll see for yourself.
He's my master.

A respectable man.

All these movie mementos
are impressive.

He's done it all:
actor, director, producer.

He's a giant.

What is my job exactly?

You're to speak to him
an hour or two daily — rather, nightly.

Movie lore relaxes him.

You'll be paid
500 francs per session.

You'll receive a check each Saturday.
Sunday is your day off.

Are you his secretary?

I'm his polymorphous, polyvalent butler.

As long as you're “polyte.”
Will you show me in?

This way.

The master doesn't care
for young ladies in trousers.

Is your hair long or short?
- Long.

Good.

This is Camille Miralis,
your future cinephile-tutor.

Come in!

It was a joke!
The makeup was to frighten you.

You'll do fine.
We'll contact you by mail.

“Mr. Cinema hereby hires you
for 101 nights at 500 francs —”

101 times 500!
I can't turn that down!

I'll get used to his mug.

“The work we offer you...”

“...is also a mission:

You must keep alive
this human symbol of cinema.”

He's not the modest type.

What about you, Mr. Megaproducer?

That's different. I have time.

You're really in for it.
Look at Granny at 94.

Always rambling
and repeating herself.

I'm taking it.
50,000 francs for three months!

It's all laid out here.

“The chéteau is half a mile
from the station...”

That I know. I walked it.
What should I take?

Go as you are. Old-timers just like
to ogle and babble on.

Hurry if you want a ride.
I have a night shoot.

The Denfert station will be fine.

Okay?
- Let's go.

Movement is life!
Movement is cinema!

But some camera movements
epitomize the cinema.

Like the opening of
La soif du mal.

A single complex movement, from when
the bomb is set until its explosion.

Touch of Evil.

Original titles only, please.

Sorry.

But that sublime shot
lasts three minutes

and contains the entire film.

Welles was a genius!

That's what they always say,
because he started so young.

Your drops, sir.

Still, Citizen Kane for a first film

is tops, super, cool!

Is that how young people talk today?

I'm so old.
I can't remember what we said.

“Stunning”? “Magnificent”?

I forget.

I was told you're only 100.
Not even.

Your memory seems to be
in great shape.

Wrong, my dear Camille.

May I call you Camille?

Wrong.

(A) I have memories
but can't remember them,

like flies I can't catch.

(B) It's not a matter of age
but of memory.

I hired you to talk to me about film,
my favorite passion.

(C) I can't use my legs,

so I must keep my head busy
and travel without moving.

(And d)...

I need your beauty.

It will be my daily ray of sunshine.

And I need your knowledge too.

You'll be my evening amphetamine.

Mr. Cinema!

Mr. Firmin!

Nim, his pillows.

Mr. Cinema, don't get carried away.

I hope I'll be of use
in your fly hunt.

Do you know the movie

Yoko Ono did
with a close-up of a fly on a breast?

A marvelous film!
Thanks for reminding me.

Contrast in scale is the magic of film.

The tiny woman in King Kong's hand.

Fay Wray.

I loved that woman madly.

At her feet I laid
my strength, my wealth,

my madness!

I wanted to marry her.

That was when I was managing
Metro-Goldwyn-Mayers studios.

It was I who invented King Kong.

I thought David O. Selznick
produced it for RKO.

Exactly. I'm David O. Selznick.

You were Hitchcock the other day.

I'm Jean Renoir, Nosferatu,
Catherine Deneuve,

and now I'm David O. Selznick.

I created...

three or four dream creatures
who became huge stars.

My head's full of stars,
faces, beauties!

Miss Ardent,
they're waiting for you on the set.

Why didn't you knock?

Are you new?

Yes, I'm an intern.

- I forgot my shawl.
- I'll get it.

Beauty shall be convulsive
or nothing!

If you'd worn
very high pointed heels...

I could have drunk champagne
from your shoe.

Hi, Bob.

Buddy, don't you have
ball bearings to buy in Billancourt?

I get you. I'm off.

What an obstacle course!
Even more of a shambles than usual.

This isn't a movie studio,
it's a flea market.

Leftovers from a shoot.

We kept everything.
It might come in handy.

You have it all prepared!

We'd have had time at my place.
Mylene's out until 5:00.

For a quickie? I'm in no hurry.

Got a hot date later?
- Of course not.

But then... quickies can be fun too.

But I'm always afraid
you'd rather be elsewhere.

Don't be a jerk, Mica.

Let's go upstairs.

How about it, sugar?

Immediate boarding via the ramp!

Got the safes?

These cost two weeks' pay.
I don't even know the brand.

Get Camille to buy you a pair.

You're all jealous!
You think I'm paid too well for what I do.

That's just it. And I earn shit.

- Hi, gang.
- Hi, Sylvie.

“Assistant intern.”
Why not “gofer-lackey”?

Never on the set and rotten pay.

I was an intern too.
Serving coffee, holding cables.

- Gotta go. Nosferatu awaits.
- Is he a sicko?

No, just very old and a bit batty.
But he has style.

The Lumiére brothers!

Mr. Marcello Mastroianni,
what a pleasure!

Grazia, Firmin.

And I like calling on my friend.
So everyone's happy.

Is the old man doing okay?

Long live commedia dell'arte!

Vittorio, meet the famous
and appropriately named...

Lumiére brothers.

Auguste and Louis,
this is Vittorio Gassman.

Lumiére? Gassman?
It's Marcello, you ninny!

Lose your marbles and I'm leaving.

Just joking! You didn't just fall for it.
You flew for it!

Like that beauty who had you
running and crawling.

Which beauty?
I've flitted from one to the next.

Braggart!
You had some real dogs too.

Like Simonetta
with those boot-button eyes.

And that dim-witted Irina.
You kept her around like a spare tire!

For a senile old goat,
you remember when it suits you.

Actually, I'm undergoing treatment.

A young beauty is giving
my memory an aerobic workout.

- What's all this about?
- And it's working!

That was my great idea:

I hired a “pappy-sitter.”
A student.

A student?

She's always at the Cinématheque
or the Louvre.

Speaking of muses...

Good evening, dear Camille.

Good evening,
Mr. Marcelo Mastroianni.

I'm so happy to meet you.

Same here.
He was just talking about you.

Does he know I've seen all his films?

Does he know I've seen all his films?

That's enough now, girls.
Get me out.

Ah, the harem bath in 8 1/2...

What a thief, that Fellini!

That was me in the tub in a hat.
Even the cigar.

I prefer you without a hat and cigar.

It's to look like Dean Martin

in Some Came Running.

Did you see Godard's Contempt?

Well, I'm Michel Piccoli.

I was the one
starring opposite Bardot!

I was imitating Dean Martin.

No, Godard imitated Fellini.

And the producer actually wanted me.
Piccoli copied me.

You're a dupe of me.

I any case, I was Jean-Luc.

I'm drowning here. Who is who?

Reminds me of Prévert's lines:

“Actors aren't people.
They're everyone and no one.”

Thank you.

She's spunky. I like that.

She's a film buff. I like that.

As for the two scenes in question,

you're right and wrong.

Both were shot in Rome
in the summer of '63.

When Godard filmed you in the tub,

it was July
in an apartment in Rome.

When Fellini filmed you
in the harem bath,

it was September at Cinecitté.

Enough focusing on details.
Focus on me instead.

Brave!
You deserve your degree, miss.

Shall I call you diplomata or doflore?

Please call me Camille.

I'm writing a thesis,
and you figure prominently:

the myth of the seducer.

I'm just a “myth-eaten” seducer,

a tired hero,
a past-his-limit Latin lover.

That's not true.

I saw you in Verso sera.
- Towards Evening.

That reminds me, Mr. Cinema,

speaking of evenings
and 101 nights,

could I come earlier,
from 5:00 to 7:00?

Of course.

The hour when lovers
meet for trysts.

Don't worry.
You're safe with him.

As for me,
the Latin lover could still strike.

But not him.

She asked me, not you!
The answer is yes.

That's his come-on.

“I'm a tired old Latin lover.”

That way they'll say,
“No, Marcello, you've still got it!”

Listen, I'm happy just to hear...

“That was great. Thank you.”
That's all.

You fish
for sophisticated compliments.

Mr. Cinema deserves them.
He embodies all cinema.

The consummate man.

The consummate man?

Mr. Cinema, you're terrific!

You'll drive me crazy!
What movie is this?

- It's a divertissement.
- A divertimento!

The slate, my boy!

End of Episode One.

Episode Two.

“One Million, the Wind,
Love, and Death.”

- The aspect ratio doesn't matter.
- I know: It's my talent.

Another guy trying
to impress his old lady.

What old lady?

I need to shoot a scene or two
to get a million in funding.

- René Clair's famous million.
- Bravo, Gaston!

Scratch me a winning
million-franc lottery ticket!

I'd film the gangland killing first.

- You got actors?
- We're the actors!

Bob will play a drag queen.

No! I play myself... or Groucho!

- Don't imitate. Create!
- A new wind.

After the New Wave,
the New Breeze.

“You're causing a draft.”
Who said that?

I know. I'm an Arletty fan.

”Garance... I want you, that's all.
But I have my pride. ”

“Your head's too hot, Pierre-Frangois,
and your heart's too cold.

I'm wary of drafts. ”

The Children of Paradise!

I dare you to repeat
my heart's too cold.

I dare you to deny you desire me.

I won't deny or decry it.

Let's keep it vague.

Shall we go?

- You weren't at Mr. Cinema's?
- I go earlier now.

Scheherazade
and the 1,001 afternoons.

101... If I keep him alive that long,
I get a bonus.

What a great boss!

Maybe I could film him.

In close-up. Set it up for me.

Don't run like that, miss.
You could hurt yourself.

I like to run, and I'm late.

The station's quite a haul.
Want to borrow a bike?

- Great!
- I have two.

Mr. Simon's ex's old bike...

and Vincent Jr.'s.
He's on the run too.

- Who's that?
- The great-grandson.

He jogs?

Haven't seen him in a long, long time.

You're the storyteller?

- In a rush?
- I hate being late.

As long as you come, he's happy.

- But he has other visitors.
- Of course. Colleagues.

- But not his great-grandson?
- Who mentioned him?

Friends who know him...
or knew him.

People.

I've never seen him.
Perhaps while I'm asleep.

The master sleeps very little.
He says he sees ghosts.

Yes, the Lumiere brothers.
He told me.

They drop in from time to time.

It's me.

Excuse me. I'm eating.

I feared you weren't coming,
so I ordered my dinner.

I was down in the dumps,

afraid night would fall,
bringing melancholy in tow.

Come now. Who and what
shall we talk about today?

Renoir?
The Popular Front years?

No, the fellow with the big eyes.

Buster Keaton?

Not Keaton. Not today.

Bunuel. That eye slashed in two.

Bunuel is the standard.

He was my friend.
We were the same age.

We were in the same group
of surrealists

with a naked woman in the center.

And we closed our eyes.

You're too far away.
Come sit here.

Show me some pictures.

Look at this one.

Louise Brooks. She's beautiful.

She started when she was 15.

Not much of a talker.
She would read Schopenhauer.

I was Pabst.
I thought of playing the role...

a whip in one hand...

a revolver in the other!

Allow me to introduce myself.

Welles, Orson Welles...

001.

Still number one. At your service.

Charmed!

I'm a magician!

I had such magnetism

that compass needles went wild
and clock hands stopped dead.

I never wear a watch.

Time is on my side,
and I have no home.

I was always on the heavy side.
So was Falstaff.

Citizen Hearst was a big press baron.

When I made Citizen Kane in '34,
I was 23,

and Lulu was singing
and dancing in a nightclub.

My dear sir, that was in '41,
and Welles was 25.

And the woman in the nightclub
was Susan Alexander.

You know
what Cocteau said about you..

About Welles?

“Orson Welles is a baby-faced giant,

a tree full of shade and birds,

a dog that has broken its chains
to go sleep in a flowerbed.”

I'd like to be a big dog
in a woman's bed.

I sleep in satin sheets

to make my extravagant mistress,
Lea Padovani, happy.

She writes me love notes
on the mirrors.

She loves lace and pink satin.

And you're a rosebud,
my dear Rosebud.

No! You seem to forget
that Rosebud was Hearst's pet name

for the private parts of his mistress,
Marion Davies.

So please don't call me Rosebud.

There are three
vile, unbearable things in life:

cold coffee, lukewarm champagne,
and hysterical women.

I'm very calm!
So don't call me Rosebud.

I don't want to die.

- This isn't amusing.
- It sure isn't.

You're sure we can't go in?

Not when the master
is receiving stars.

Why?

They're drunk.
They might molest you.

Then I came for nothing!

No, you'll still be paid.

It's visiting day.

He disappeared just like that?

It's not certain he was in the plane wreck,
but his parents were.

Who are you talking about?

Mr. Cinema's sole heir, Vincent.
He vanished.

He was on the reservation list
but not the passenger list.

When was this?

- About 10 years ago.
- I'm not waiting 10 years.

No one knows
if this Vincent is alive?

If he were, he'd come milk
his great-grandpappy for some money.

Mr. Cinema will survive
until our next visit.

I'll go with you.
We'll talk on the way.

- I love stories about disappearances.
- His estate's the talk of the town.

I see you're not dead!
You're a solid old fart!

A solid fart?

Just don't fart too hard.

Remember how you died in
The Grand Bouffe?

What magnificent backfiring!

- A terrible way to die.
- And it took some doing.

It wasn't just sound effects.

A great way to go.

A toot's more original than a fart.

I've died by gunfire
at least eight times.

In Barocco
I played both killer and killee.

In 7 morts sur ordonnance
I stuck a shotgun in my belly.

Let's roll! Action!

You mustn't get stiff.
Roll on, youngster!

You've rolled plenty yourself!
“Barroco and His Brothers”...

“Under The Satan Slipper...”

It was the director who closed
your eyes in the confessional.

That old devil Pialat!

Action!

A director had me slit my throat...
while I sang!

That old devil Demy!

And you'll never forget me!

And Danton's death —
Was the guillotine fun?

I was scared shitless.

Hands tied behind my back,
laid out on a plank

under a real 180-pound blade
held up by a little pin.

Imagine if some extra
lost it for a second.

I was really afraid
of dying accidentally.

Show my head to the people!

It's worth it!

You've shown your head
to the people a lot.

Sure. If I stop, I die.

Now stop playing senile.
Get up and walk!

In one picture
I almost fell from a tower.

Another time, in Italy,
I took a Leap into the Void.

You die plenty in movies!

Especially if you do
10 or 20 retakes.

Death is bullshit!

I've been hung,
electrocuted, burned.

I've died a thousand deaths.

I'm usually shot dead.

I died laughing

watching you croak in Uranus.

Berri told me to drag it out.

I had a ball in front of the camera.

Everyone had a good laugh.

You could say
we've looked death in the face.

You wish to look death in the face?

Then look at me. I am Death.

Cut it out. That's not polite.

It's not right.

In Orpheus
Casares didn't say anything.

I speak as I wish,
and I sharpen my scythe.

All is lies, all is truth.
I come and go in disguise.

Your days are numbered, I totalize.

- Conservatory?
- Or private classes?

She's good!

Lots of girls have staged impromptu
auditions in my dressing room.

Sit down, Miss...?

I have no name.

She knows her part:
nameless, shameless Death.

But you're after famous names

in your little autograph book.

What an odd notebook.

Dates, names, columns.

Looks like a phone book.

This notebook is mine alone,
its meaning ineffable.

- What a fable!
- If she were amiable...

Play, flirt, trifle with me.

Soon she'll start reciting
“No Trifling with Death.”

That's right.
She knows the day and the hour.

What? Who? You? Who?

Come off it, kid.
Want some champagne?

Came from Paris by train?
Walk across the plain?

That's it! Champagne!

No visitors today. I'm all alone.
Camille didn't come.

Just that actor Gérard —
What's his name?

Oh, yes. Gérard Philipe...

a big hit in
“Fanfan the Black Tulip.”

No, it was “Black Moonlight”...
“Gone with the Window.”

Now I remember. Gerard Phoenix...

in My Own Private Idaho.

Take a deep breath. Sit up!

Open your eyes.

You okay?

Yeah, you're okay.

You gave me a fright, baby doll.

Where'd you get the sexy nightie?

- Rue de la Gaité.
- It's hot.

I was imitating Arletty in Hotel du nord
and River Phoenix in Idaho.

Don't do that to me again.
Now get dressed.

You're not narcoleptic,
and River Phoenix is dead.

I know. I was gathering info
on Arletty for tomorrow.

You're going all out for the old guy.

- Know what I found out?
- I don't care.

Hear me out.
This is an awesome plan.

It could be a goldmine.

The old man has a great-grandson
who disappeared.

His sole heir.
Maybe we could help find him.

How?

By creating a grandson.
A stand-in.

To get our hands on the loot.

You have a photo?
Will I have the honor and benefit

of playing this hypothetical heir?
Especially the benefit!

You're 10 years too young.

I saw some of his letters.

You've been prying?

Of course! I learn lots of stuff.

I showed him an envelope,
and he said...

“He wrote again.
My Vincent is coming back.”

Sounds complicated.

Don't be a weenie.
We all stand to gain.

Especially you. For your movie.

And to spoil you, my queen.

Slippers!

Right away, my queen.

And tell that shrew Renée
to clean the room at 3:00.

Yes, my queen.

When I was young...

I played broad games,
not board games.

Another cliché,
like most movie folk's talk.

Why's he staring at me?

Yes, why's he staring at us?

Kiwei!

Tell that fellow to stop staring.
- We're not in a shop window.

To clean the outside windows,
he can't turn his back.

Have him clean inside.

Come inside.

I thank this squall

that's allowed me
to approach my idol.

Seeing La dolce vita
as a kid changed my life.

I learned you can
look like a tango dancer

and still feel the confusion

felt by the meek, the lowly,

the subordinate.

- He talks like a book.
- He's a Chatterbox.

Let him speak!

Go on.

For me you're No. 1,
even in Leo the Last.

Your British cool was tops.

Allow me.

I admire your elegance in La notie,

your licentious airs in
That Night in Varennes.

May I?

Firmin, show this gentleman
back to his ladder.

This encounter will brighten
the second half of my life!

Did you fly away?

I'm right here.

A fan! Know where
the word comes from?

Fanatic! A nutcase!

If he were your fan,
you wouldn't say that.

You're just jealous.

Me, jealous?

I've had it all.

Awards, prizes, gifts.

Jealous!

I think he's a pleasant young fellow.

You think I'm a buffoon.

I'm a sensitive man.

You won't give me
your films and rights,

whereas he gave me his sponge.

Very nice.

I'll give it to my mother.

You're a sensitive man.

I have feelings for you.
The boss is old and stingy.

I'll buy you anything you want.
You'll be my queen.

No, don't climb up!

Vincent Jr. climbed trees too.

He'd shout...

“Hail, Sylva.
Sylvestre the forester.”

Come down, my little Kiwei.

You're both here:
Hanna Schygulla and Jeanne Moreau.

Jeanne and I met
at a dinner the other night.

The patriarch's two wives
had a good laugh

and plotted this surprise.

You're not here
to claim alimony, are you?

I haven't got a thing.

I'm a poor, penniless old man.

Simon, you haven't changed.

Not one bit.

- What continuity!
- As stingy as ever.

We'll keep our hands off your loot.

Excuse me for receiving you in bed,
my darlings.

Come sit by my side.

Here and... No, here!

You've always had a seductive gaze.

The German woman's gaze.

And you've always amazed me,
as empress or chambermaid —

She also played Queen Margot.

My very own queen.

And you as Effi Briest,
how whore.

And you in The Immortal Stay
by Orson Welles.

Orson stole you from me, my Nanette.
I hate him.

And you threw me over
for that leather punk, Fassbinder.

Be quiet, Simon.
She made lots of films with him.

When a director makes several films
with an actress, they form a couple.

A creative couple.

Antonioni and Vitti.

Bergman and Liv Ullmann.
Demy and Deneuve.

Godard and Karina.
- Sternberg and Marlene.

Cassavetes and Gena.

Panfilov and Churikova.
Truffaut and you.

I directed you too.

But only once each!

I married each of you.

Big deal. The Marriage
of Maria Braun went sour.

And sometimes
“the bride wears black.”

Who's your next victim?

Still jealous at your age!

What is there without love, Hanna?

Did you ever love me
truly and simply,

gazing into my eyes
without doing your number?

Anyone out there?

Tea and crumpets. And chocolate.
All women love chocolate.

Lackey! Clown!

Your Love is Colder than Death.

I'm directing my third film,
you know.

- You?
- You disapprove of female artists?

- Mise-en-scéne?
- Ms.-en-scene!

Is this a press conference?
Are you here to reproach me?

- We wanted to surprise you.
- Astonish you.

Well, it's an unpleasant surprise.

Is that right?

You're not two Graces.
You're two Fates!

The third is coming
for you very soon.

She'll be less beautiful
and much more awful than us.

Curtain!

End of Episode Two.

Episode Three:
The Return of the Vincents.

Hi, Mica.

Waiting for us?
This is my brother.

- Was he in hiding?
- No, abroad.

- Where?
- India.

Is he mute?

You autistic,
or was your tongue out out?

I'm so happy I found
a two-day job on a shoot.

Am I babysitting your brother?

My name's Vincent.

Camille.

We call him Mica.

To tell me apart
from my girlfriend Camille —

Mica? Beautiful name,
like for a god.

One of those 12-armed things?
I'm not into Hinduism.

Except Lang's Tiger of Bengal
and The Thief of Bagdad by —

I forget. You coming?

Scorsese-style?

Yeah, but you end
on the bullet-ridden body, Ferrara-style.

- Will you be home tonight?
- No, I'm sleeping at Mica's.

But you won't have a crane.

Or a Steadicam.

- Could you take the trash out?
- Sure.

I hear he did three 3-year stints
in a Buddhist monastery

but got fed up
with silence and celibacy.

- Did Marco say that?
- He told Bob.

He'll be a hit.
Buddha is all the rage now.

Sure, a return to values...

and the red ribbon for AIDS,
and Sarajevo.

The homeless are big too.

I'M HUNGRY. FEED ME.

Princess...

will you do me the honor
of supping with me?

Your mind seems elsewhere.

Do you hear other voices?

Mr. Cinema!

That's Sandrine Bonnaire.
I recognized her.

I just love her.
You feel she understands simple folk.

She's so beautiful.

Beautiful as a landscape.
Beautiful as can be.

- I've been waiting.
- Why the wheelchair?

Watch this.

I bet your old man can't do this.

- Show-off!
- Pretty dress.

I've been buying clothes lately.

I need air!
I've worked my tail off.

I finished my shooting script.
Short subject, long title:

“The Flower of Blood”
or “Make Mine Bloody.”

Any coffee left?

I cut my script up
and blood spurts out.

You're all in red,
lovely as an open wound.

Look: a real storyboard.

Listen, I missed Depardieu
and Sandrine Bonnaire,

but not Anouk Aimée.

You don't care about my film?

Depardieu!
You've gone full “star system.”

He's my favorite. You didn't tell me.

Why should I?
And you're not listening.

I just said I missed Depardieu.

But I saw Marcello courting
Anouk Aimée in the garden.

He looked dashing,
in a black cape like Mandrake.

Want to make La dolce vita with me?

No, Marcello.

I just came to intervista you
as Mandrake.

Do a trick for me.

No, I'm tired, Anouk.

My apprentice performs for me now.

- So long.
- See you, Bob.

Did you talk to Anouk Aimée?

Yeah, but she took me
for a gold digger.

You are! Take me along.
You earn enough for two.

I'd make a little
and keep an eye on you too.

It's my job.
I go alone, I collect alone.

I'm just trying to get his fortune.

It might work.
He's gullible and hungry for love.

Why can't I come?

You've been a snooty, secretive flirt
since you met that old man.

Come push me.
- What for?

To do a Raoul Coutard-style
dolly shot in a wheelchair.

We do a low-angle close-up —

Of the “snooty star”
who doubles as the grip.

He's really into “mise-en-obscene.”
And you're a slut.

That's enough!

- You're jealous. I'm meeting stars.
- That's right.

You're a fine driver, Firmin.

The Rolls is rusting.
What a shame.

We'll go out driving one day.

I'll be Gloria Swanson,
and you'll be Max —

I mean, Von Stroheim.

You up front, me behind.

Forgive me, but the makeup
on your left eye is a bit overdone.

Thank you, Max.

You two are great in
Sunset Boulevard!

Hello, Mr. Gloria Cinema.

I knew Gloria well.
She was glorious.

She never wore the same dress twice,

and she had a 32-room mansion.

- Mr. Gillette's mansion.
- As in razors?

Yes. Every time I shave,
I think of Gloria.

That was long ago.
I'm his barber now.

- You're a barb in my side! Leave us.
- Will you push Monsieur?

He's always pushing me to get fresh air.
I hate fresh air!

I like only light...
or the air of adventure!

- Feeling an urge to travel?
- Yes, far away, incognito.

Depart... and return home.

Yes, “going home”
was my professor's favorite theme.

What? Who?

Jean-Claude Romer.

First postulate:
He who has returned shouldn't have.

He's often a hell-raiser

or a swindler,
like Charles Boyer in Gaslight.

There are some happy homecomings.

There's also the amnesiac,

like Travis in Pafls, Texas,
searching for his wife and son.

We always await the return
of our children, our great-grandchildren.

Careful there!

You remember Joseph Cotten's return
in Shadow of a Doubt?

A crook using family as a hide-out.

And that phony Martin Guerre.

Not everyone who returns home
is an impostor.

When I said,
“Not everyone who returns home...”

My knees were like —
- Jelly.

- You and your plot.
- The two brothers!

Joining the ranks of decadent youth,
venerable Buddhist?

I left the monastery.
I'm not in a trance. Got that?

Ten years must have left traces.

But perhaps not for you,
even if you're lovely as a lotus flower.

It's Sunday.

How about casting the heir?
That's top priority.

Here we have a guy
who split for 10 years

and who's cut out for the part.

Pizza?
- No pizza.

He's perfect.

Just the right profile.
Even has the same name!

It's true.

Are you up for being
reincarnated as an heir

and splitting the dough with us?

- The geezer isn't dead yet.
- That'll come.

Any pictures of you in India?
A degree in meditation?

Monasteries don't give
college credit.

We need proof you were there.

I have your fake parents'
family papers.

They were in a handbag
at the chéteau.

Say you retrieved them after the accident.
- What accident?

A plane crash 10 years ago.

Laurel and Hardy.

They're a riot!

This isn't just a lark.

We need money to film.

- You have to swear.
- Swear what?

That what Mr. Cinema leaves you
goes into a feature film.

And that you'll sell the chateau.

And the rest of you,
swear you won't tell!

I swear! I swear!

- We swear too!
- So do we.

Shit.

If we had that much money,

you sure you have ideas
worth spending it on?

I don't know. I feel so shabby!
No, more like a kid.

I think of Spielberg, Coppola,

Polanski, Godard
when they started out.

Even bad directors!

Cut it out, Camille Thibault!
We know that already.

Like Herzog said:
Even Dwarfs Started Small.

Mr. Cinema...

someday my prince will come.

Someday Vincent will come back.

Sylvestre?

I'm so glad to see you.

Don't you recognize me?
Hold on.

“Hail, Sylva.”

It's Mr. Vincent!

I'm just back from India.

We thought you were dead!

Is Madeleine well?

And the girls?
- Married.

- How long has it been?
- Ten years.

That awful accident.

- I've been an orphan for 10 years.
- Poor kid.

You've changed a bit.

Have you seen your grandpappy?
- My “pappyrus”?

I'm afraid it may be a shock.
Come with me.

I rarely go in so I don't track in dirt.
But this time...

That's right! You called him “Pappyrus.”
I thought he was a Russki!

- Is Maxime still around?
- No, now it's Firmin.

And a yellow servant you never met.
- Yellow?

Two girls: One from Nimes
and one from China.

I can feel it!

Visitors!

The Lumiere brothers are here!

Visitors at last! Look!

Look.

The audience is a bunch
of doubting Thomases.

They believe only what they see.
They love excitement.

Sugar?

A bouquet — how nice!

You're just in time.
Guess who's here.

I've never mentioned Vincent.
He's the last of the line.

- I thought you had no family.
- My great-grandson.

A Ghost from the Past.
- A Louis Jouvet movie.

Where he said,
“Stop playing the fool, you moron!”

Hello, Vincent.

I'm no film buff,
but Pappyrus doesn't care.

I know other things.

What do you do?
And why “Pappyrus”?

He spent years in India.
He's a wise man now.

“Pappyrus” because
he's old and precious.

- Shall I leave you?
- No, I'm going.

See you tomorrow.
- Don't go.

- I'll leave you two.
- Don't leave!

- Mind if I walk around?
- You picked the lock on the gate.

I remember you. Everything.

Remember Lost Horizon?

Frank Capra's valley paradise,
Shangri-La!

Where you never grow old or die.

Now that Vincent's back,
it's as if I had wings.

I want to go to Shangri-La,
beyond the Lost Horizon.

Should I stop coming?

No, I want you with me.

We'll all go to Shangri-La.

Will you come back tomorrow?

Little rascal!

Those Hindus didn't change you any!

What?

Dancing...

There's nothing better.

I didn't see you there. Hello.

He was napping.
Normal at his age.

He's the senile one.

He forgot we'd been chatting
for the past hour.

Next chapter: musicals.

Ginger and Fred,
with Giulietta Masina and me.

He always has to steal the spotlight.

Here's a trivia question, gentlemen:

In what film do the chorus girls
form a swastika?

That great Mel Brooks picture

where he sells
more than 150% of the musical...

The title is —

We've known
some shady producers in our time.

More specifically,
what's the name of their musical?

The absolute touchstone
for musicals is...

I danced with an umbrella
under contract at MGM.

So now you're Gene.
Gene's a genius.

There was that young fellow
from Rochefort who hired me

to tap-dance with some sailors.

You're very charming,

but your effect
on my friend's memory

is aggravating his usual delirium.

She's all I have, besides Vincent.

Bastard! What about me?

I come see you all the time!

Excuse me for excusing you.

Anyway, we didn't finish
our game of checkers.

I feel like an intruder today,
and I have a headache.

Would you mind if I leave?

Your piece is in danger.

It can move horizontally.

Hellzapoppin' and Mary Poppins
are in a boat...

You should consider my offer.

Give me your prints and your rights.

I'll make them turn a profit.

I'm winning for now.

I take your piece.

Trust me. Give me your films.

We've been friends for ages.

Mary Poppins falls in the water...

Give me your films.

Only Hellzapoppin' is left.

You're a good actor, you know.

You think?

What a farce!

- He's the king of lip-synch.
- Put your things in my room.

- Isn't Camille back?
- Not yet.

So you'll be shooting your film?
Happy?

- Yeah, it's a short.
- Stéphane's doing the photography.

Isn't Camille here?

She's late.

Tell her I'll be home
after the movies.

It worked, guys!
Vincent was perfect.

He's now part
of the old man's family.

We're in the money!

Now you won't have
to kowtow to producers.

Ever heard the phrase
“Don't count your chickens...”?

Anyway, I don't care. 80 long.
- Wait! I'm starved!

I'm going to a movie.

- Anyone seen Marco?
- Hear that? Unbelievable.

Even with gramps,
he still needs his kid brother!

- Cool it! What'll we do?
- I'm outta here!

What's his problem?

Trouble in paradise...

I'm going with you.

Wait for me!

Wait for me.

I'm coming.

I'm not ready yet.

Firmin!

Kiwei!

Anyone might come in.
I'm in my stocking feet.

I thought I saw the girl in purple.

I thought I saw lovers.

I heard someone say,
“How are you, lovebirds?

I got scared.
Lovebirds are never okay.

One is always more in love
than the other.

- How are you, lovebirds?
- Just fine.

Put something on
or I can't talk to you.

You want to talk?

Yes, I do.

Come here.

You know, sometimes...

Sometimes...?

Sometimes I'm afraid.

I wonder if —

You're afraid?

Camille.

Yes, Camille?

To think they call me Mica
to tell us apart.

It's ridiculous.

We're so different.

You don't know. You don't feel it.

What don't I feel?

In film it's not easy to feel

silence, time,
and movements of the soul.

At times, Dreyer, Bergman,
Bresson, and Cavalier

extended a hand
that I refused to take.

I like neither so-called “inner life”
nor death.

- I understand.
- Still go to the movies?

No, I meditate

by watching falling leaves
or floating clouds.

The cinema of observation.

Is that all you do?
How old are you?

I'm going to try to adjust.

I need a bit more time.
I know I'm 30 now...

but it's hard to adjust to the noise.

Down with cries.
Long live whispers.

I heard Mr. Cinema was ailing.

I've come to pay my respects.

I couldn't call ahead.
I don't have his number.

We have no phone, sir,
nor radio, nor television.

But we have you as a guest!

Allow me to express
my boundless admiration.

You're my favorite.

Among film stars,
you're a constellation in your own right!

The nec plus ultra.

Thanks.

May I see your master?

I've often thought
of leaving Mr. Cinema's employ.

His health is so unstable,
not to mention his moods.

May I make a confession?

I've always told myself
I'd remain in his employ

at least until the day
I met Mr. Delon...

my idol!

I'm very honored,
but would you kindly announce me?

Wait!

I've waited for you for years.

Look at my book. Come sit down.

- Now what?
- Have a seat.

My guest book.

Impressive.

I kept the center page for you.
Please write a little something.

My name is Firmin Gauche.

Gauche, just like the character...

you play in Red Sun.

Yes, that's right.

You're so kind. I'm beside myself.

There. May I go in now?

Mr. Cinema isn't at all well.

I'm to allow no one in.
No visitors.

I'm afraid I must show you
back to your chopper.

But I wanted to —
Well, if he feels ill —

Give him my card.

Thank you, Firmin.

Alain Delon, here?

What a surprise!

- You a relative?
- I'm the prop of Mr. Cinema's old age.

I give his memory an aerobic workout.

He's ill today.
I couldn't see him.

Then I'm not staying.
I'm no nurse.

Is that yours?

- Ever flown in an insect like that?
- Never.

How about a first time?
Paris heliport in five minutes.

Great. I live near there.

Greater still if you take me away,
if I dare say so.

Dare, dare!

What's your name?
- Camille.

In truth I say to you...

I'm more of a film lover than I seem.

I think Renoir's The River,
shot in India,

is a highly bourgeois vision
of a traditional society.

Satyajit Ray better captures
essential values.

He refuses to confine things
within boundaries.

But of course the most clear-eyed vision
is Godard's Every Man for Himself.

That Swiss guy talks like a book.

Sauve qui peut — comma — la vie.

It could have been joy or heaven.

The film describes prostitution

as a metaphor
for the entire notion of business.

There's that, but not only that.

Something in the body and mind

rises up against repetitiveness
and emptiness.”

I wish something in my body
would rise up.

What was that?
War? A helicopter?

The police looking for a fugitive.
I sent them away.

I'll have none of that here!

We know Mr. Cinema's tastes.
They're limited.

He systematically avoids thrillers

and anything to do
with drugs, pimps, or gangsters.

Indeed!

How disingenuous!

There is such a thing
as film noir, sir.

Le faucon maltais,
En 4éme vitesse, Le parrain —

What about French thrillers?

Le Samourai', Borsalino,

Trots hommes é abattre, Un flic.

You're a Delon fan.

And proud of it.

If I had a real model plane...

If we had money and equipment...

Mina-same, we've seen
the palace of Versailles

and the Chateau de Ramboumet.

We'll now return to Paris

and the Eiffel Tower.

But first our tour will detour

by way of a century-old
cultural monument in human form:

Mr. Simon Cinema!

Here's his chateau...

where you'll see
the very man in person.

Now for a lightning tour
of the mini-museum.

Cameras and flashes are permitted.

Sure, handshakes too.

In we go.

No spitting or smoking.

Restrooms are inside to the right.

Japanese cinema has a long history,

dating back to 1896,

but Europeans really only
discovered it in 1951

with Rashomon,
winner of the Golden Lion at Venice.

Gradually, film by film,

the charm of sliding screens took hold,

along with the tea ceremony,

court ladies in kimonos,
the lives of ordinary folk,

and Crucified Lovers.

I'll mention only
a few seminal directors

and a few landmark films.

What are you doing here?

I paid to see the old man,
like everyone else.

Then stand in line
like everyone else.

- What do you want?
- A close look at you.

Close up I'm a Pappyrus.
Get back.

- He's an admirer.
- You know him?

Sort of. Just an eccentric.

What if I were Death?
Not the usual young girl or femme fatale.

What if I were Death coming for you?

Camille, get this lunatic
away from me!

That's enough!
Wait for me over there!

Careful with fragile objects.
Don't touch.

- You going back with them?
- I paid for a round trip.

We could walk back together.

My bike was stolen.

Italian neorealism strikes again.

Okay, I'll wait.
Scaring the old man calmed me down.

You could have soared him to death!

Don't you want Vincent
to get his estate for me?

We can't kill him!

Let him croak on his own.
Who needs that old relic?

Movies are hardy as weeds.
They grow everywhere.

- Are you hardy?
- You sure aren't!

You couldn't even ask him
to be in my film.

- After that little scene...
- No need to say it's for me.

Ah, there you are.

- How were admissions?
- 38, and one non-Japanese student.

The punk who attacked me?

Shall I dispatch to the next world

a young man not part of yours?

Ah, Prévert. What dialogue!

That's for sure.

I must get back to my tourists.

I'll tell them about Prévert.
Glad to see you in form.

- What form?
- You seem well.

Form and content,
a debate even older than I am.

Sir, I have a request.

Some people I know
are making a short film

and hope you'll be in it.

Me, an acting comeback?

Then I want Mae West
or Béatrice Dalle as my costar.

Gotta have tits. What's the part?

A spry old-timer?

No, a godfather. A good guy.

An anti-mafia mafioso who finances

anti-drug dope.

I'll be there the whole time.
Please say yes.

In return, would you play hostess
at my garden party?

Actually, I'm just renting
my grounds to a charity

that will pay its own costs.

Sure. So you'll say yes?

Yes, Camille dear.

- Your little caps are cute.
- And so appropriate.

Sabine Azéma!

A Sunday in the Country
to fight AIDS!

Dear Ir'ene, I'm Louis Ducreux,
and I say Stay Young.

Sabine, allow me
to introduce my tutor.

Look down there.

They're collecting for AIDS research.

Is that Liz Taylor? In France?

My name's Marina, and I'm Italian.

I knew it wasn't her.

Marvelous Liz Taylor!

Young ladies will be coming around.
Give generously.

Let Liz Taylor's image motivate you.

Look at me and think of her.

Reach into your hearts and pockets.

Marvelous Liz!

He's rich but stingy.

He has lovely eyes.

Yes, he's very attractive.

Who's attractive? Careful now!

The Latin lover could strike again.

- Mandrake. Amazing!
- Rabbit lover.

Anouk, you're mine!

No, you're dreaming.

So am I.

We're playacting. We love it.

Acting is emotion.

Dear Mr. Bufiuel.

I hear you're nearly 100.

I've reached the golden age.

I find all commemorations
insincere and dangerous.

What's the point? Long live oblivion!

I disagree.
I'm tired of forgetting things.

I have no more memory,
or even dreams!

So I use my imagination.

Send for a dry martini
from the bar in San José Puraa.

I'll go myself.
Come on, let's get out of here.

- May I come in?
- Liz!

I understand you're rich and generous.

Malicious gossip.

Liz, you're here.

Why does he call her Liz?
It's Marina Castelnuovo.

He's lost his marbles.

That Italian woman sure has
great conversation pieces.

Money, solidarity...

Liz, you're the madonna
of diamond miners!

I reach out to you. Be generous.

Do it for me.

Oh, Liz! Money and beauty
are so powerfully intertwined.

Your beauty has always
overwhelmed me.

Having goods is good.
Doing good is better.

Very well.
I'll give it all to your cause:

chateau, fortune,
film rights, everything!

It's a pleasure to give it all away.
It's like being in love.

Firmin! Bring in that lawyer
out by the pond.

And bring tea for madame.

And wine for these miners!

The joy of your presence
is well worth my will.

The legatee's name goes here.

- You can't let him do this!
- Yes, I can.

Better this way for him,
and even for me.

He's happy. I like the fellow.

Have you forgotten our deal?

You're useless.
Our whole plan's ruined.

And sign here.

He signed his will.

What's done is done.
End of Episode Three.

Fourth and final episode.

“Cinema and its Myths,” meaning:

champagne, stars, festivals,

Hollywood, riches,
and the centennial of cinema.

- A little early to celebrate.
- I think so too.

Ready on the set?

- Speed!
- Sound ready?

Action!
I dream of saying “action!”

To friendship.

Champagne may fuel the film industry,

but it's elbow grease
that makes the best dolly shots

and backbone grease
that makes plants grow.

How do you know?

I was a grip before.
I speak from experience.

That famous 300-yard dolly shot
in Weekend...

that was my work.

That old devil Godard!

And that devil Truffaut!

I did dolly shots for him
and other New Wave directors.

Pan across the puddle to the flower.

Let 'em drop!

No, it's not working. Shit!

It's all wrong mechanically.

You have to rise up

as the petals fall away.

What did you say?

I hear MGM made you an offer.

What's that?

The head of MGM...

is looking for you.

I prefer the Columbia lady.

Anyone there?

A dormant memory is like
a clawless lion, an extinguished fire.

A mind without memories
is like a locked suitcase,

a chandelier void of light.

I'm the world specialist
in fading memories.

Memoriabilist or memologist?

Quiet, patient! Let science
and occult forces do the talking.

Butler, you'll be my assistant.

It's a revolutionary technique.

I'll stimulate a specific spot
in your memory zone.

A molecule will unleash a memory.
Ready?

Waste no time!

The treatment will dazzle like lightning!

Our fairy, our Esmeralda,
our Queen of Sheba: Gina Lollobrigida.

- My better half and my medium.
- Really?

“My better half”!
As if I were your property!

Change your tune,
because we're divorcing.

You'll always be my electric muse,

my godsend,
my love, my jealousy.

So possessive!

Work your powers
of possession on me. Take me!

Back to work.
Butler, hook everything up.

Shoot another arrow
into my patient's memory.

An impatient patient!

The divine Bardot,
the Venus of Saint-Tropez.

Women are desirable in general.

My lawyer confirms

that our business contract
is separate from our divorce.

Even when you're no longer
my better half,

we'll split profits
from our sessions 50-50.

I'm busting my marriage chains
and my contract. You're busting my chops!

You use me to seduce your patients.

They're so glad to see me
that they feel better.

Then you get the compliments,
Mr. Professor.

I want 70%, not 50%!

A debate as old as the hills:
end vs. means, method vs. results.

Your method has produced results.

And your wife's an angel.
Isn't she, Camille?

She certainly is.

Excuse me.
You'd make a very suitable assistant.

What would you say to 30%?

I'll think it over.

But I don't understand
why you stopped acting.

One night onstage,
my memory went blank.

Now I'm fascinated
by other people's memories.

It takes a good actor
to be a doctor.

Please continue.
How about two shots at once?

I'll pay double.

Two needles, two women.

Two more needles!
Two more women!

Your wife is obsessed
with percentages,

but I'm obsessed with you,
before and after your career change.

Calm down, butler.

Sign this center page
that I've reserved for you forever!

Some other time, pal.

What's going on?

Is the party over or just starting?

Where are you going?

Have you been sucked in
by the star system?

Are you going to the Cannes festival?
With a divorcing couple?

You have to go to Cannes with me,

Simon Cinema!

And a few other stars.

And a gun for Bob.

We'll do a few test shots
with the paint ball.

Here we go.

Shit!

It's too pink!

Good thing I prepared
a few regular ones.

You think it'll burst right?

Sure will. I'm an expert.

Don't overdo it.

Dino, don't be stupid!
I'll get the dough!

You need a real shirt.
We can see the blood bag.

Really?

Catherine!

I met them all through films but you.

I held them all in my arms but you.

I should have been your partner
since the dawn of time.

Not Belmondo or Depardieu
or Perez or the others!

It's night, and the light is soft.

We got into the same boat.

Like others get into hot water.

Darling, did you turn off the gas?
Change the cat litter?

Put the mayo in the fridge?
Recharge the batteries?

Did you set the alarm?
Secure the laundry room window?

Bring your razor?

And I have the keys.

Great idea I had, this cruise.

It's so important to them
that you be in their short.

Are you angry?

I hate this chauffeur!
He's a lecher. Beware.

I hate that creep,
but I still love Catherine Deneuve.

Of course.

Quick! He's coming!

Your phony powder
is wrecking our network.

We can still make a deal
before the final shootout.

We'll beat you
at your own dirty game!

My boys are eager,
because we kill drugs at the source!

Blood will flow if need be!

Back off! Get lost!

The truce is up in one minute.
I don't collude with crime!

Excuse me. Cut.

The speed of your delivery
took me by surprise.

Some voices never grow old.
You'll have to adapt.

Sure, but...

I recognize you!

- No, it's just —
- What do you want?

Let's take it again. If you could
just enunciate a bit slower, please.

Enunciate? I am!

Pretentious twerp!

It's all so corny.
What is this, a thriller spoof?

Even for the cause.

I'm practicing my scales.
The music comes later.

Then I'll bowl you over.
Trust me.

For me, movies evoke emotions
I've never known before,

sensafions,
substitutes for something else.

For instance, the dexterity
of Bresson's Pickpocket thrills me

like a sexual come-on.

Then I'll pick your pockets.

Speed!

Action!

Gimme two.

We have a surprise for you.

Hit it, Sylvie!

Poor fellow.

- He's dead!
- That's almost criminal.

It's all my fault.

Put him on the couch.

No, don't touch him.

- Quick, to the hospital!
- Not the hospital.

My Rolls, a suitcase,

the Concorde,
and off to Shangri-La!

Camille, Vincent,
I want to go to Hollywood!

I think that's too fast.

Think she's there yet?

Here at Tro-ca-ca...

- Trodero...
- Trocadero!

In Pa—Pa—Paris...

- To inaugu-go-rate...
- A mo-monument.

According to our researcher here,
Ms. Miralis,

the Lumi'ere brothers
invented the cinematograph.

But we must mention
the many other scientists

who also invented the cinema,
including...

another pair of brothers,
the Skladanowskys.

We salute them all.

Let us pay tribute to them.

Yes, they deserve it.

It's time to cut my speech —

And this piece of film.

I'm glad I'm not among those people.

I'm like Bufiuel.

Down with commemorations.
Long live anarchy.

Down with speeches.
Long live desire!

You're despicable!

You got back yesterday.
I've looked all over town for you.

I've been all over town too.
I had appointments yesterday.

I have some presents for you.

A T-shirt.

Try it on.

A coffee.

Hollywood was incredible.
It's too much!

- You had fun?
- Yes, he knows everyone.

I'm completely out of it.
I have...

What?

Jet lag. I'm always sleepy.

Let's go take a nap.

I can't. I have to take
something to Mom.

Shocking pink.

Tonight, then.
When can I come over?

I need to sleep.

I'll call you tomorrow, if you want.

I look like an idiot
in this T-shirt and cap.

You're bullshitting me!

- Don't you like “Micalifornia”?
- You're bullshitting me.

I'd sure like that coffee.

I'd sure like my Camille.

You hear me?

And during the end credits...

his Italian friend helps himself
at the chéteau.