Original subtitles

>> Steve: FROM

ROCKEFELLER CENTER IN THE HEART

OF NEW YORK CITY, IT'S "THE

TONIGHT SHOW" STARRING

JIMMY FALLON

TONIGHT, JOIN JIMMY AND HIS

GUESTS -

CHELSEA HANDLER,

SENATOR BERNIE SANDERS

MUSICAL GUEST THE WAR ON DRUGS

AND FEATURING THE LEGENDARY

ROOTS CREW

AND NOW, HERE'S YOUR HOST,

JIMMY FALLON

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

♪

>> Jimmy: THAT'S YOUR FAULT,

YEAH

OH MY GOODNESS

OH, HEY.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, EVERYONE.

THANK YOU.

ON A FRIDAY!

THAT'S SOME FRIDAY LOVE RIGHT

THERE.

THANK YOU.

WELCOME TO "THE TONIGHT SHOW,"

EVERYBODY.

LET'S GET TO THE NEWS AND

JOKES.

WELL, GUYS, EVERYONE IS STILL

TALKING ABOUT LAST NIGHT'S

PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE.

BUT BASED ON THE EARLY RATINGS,

IT HAD ABOUT 7 MILLION FEWER

VIEWERS THAN THE FIRST ONE

IT'S NOT THAT 7 MILLION PEOPLE

CHOSE NOT TO WATCH, IT'S THAT

AFTER THE FIRST DEBATE THEY

LEFT THE COUNTRY

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT BASED ON SOME SNAP POLLS,

TRUMP WON THE DEBATE BY 98% TO

2%

THAT'S ACCORDING TO THE FAIR

POLLING SITE

"GUNTOTINGEAGLE.COM.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT THIS IS INTERESTING, THE

TRUMP CAMPAIGN ANNOUNCED THAT

YESTERDAY WAS THEIR BIGGEST

ONLINE FUNDRAISING DAY EVER,

PULLING IN $26 MILLION

WOW, HE REALLY HAS THE BIRD

KILLING WIND AT HIS BACK

[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]

YEP, TRUMP RAISED $26 MILLION.

TODAY, HE WAS LIKE, "SPEND A

A MILLION ON TV ADS, PUT THE

REST IN MY CHINESE BANK

ACCOUNT.

DID YOU SEE THIS

TWO OF TRUMP'S GUESTS LAST

NIGHT WERE KID ROCK AND GOLFER

JOHN DALY.

TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THEY LOOK GREAT.

I THINK THEY BOUGHT THOSE

CLOTHES AT QANON MEMBERS ONLY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YEP, TRUMP WANTED KID ROCK'S

SUPPORT, MOSTLY BECAUSE HE

THINKS KID ROCK IS

DWAYNE JOHNSON'S SON

[ LAUGHTER ]

I SHOULDN'T MAKE FUN OF THEM

IN 2024, THAT'S GOING TO BE THE

REPUBLICAN TICKET.

[ LAUGHTER ]

MEANWHILE, AFTER THE DEBATE,

DONALD TRUMP JR., WENT ON

FOX NEWS AND HE WAS REALLY

PUMPED ABOUT HIS DAD'S

PERFORMANCE.

I MEAN, REALLY PUMPED.

WATCH THIS

>> THE MEDIA RUNS RIGHT AWAY

IT'S RUSSIAN DISINFORMATION.

THERE'S LITERALLY ZERO EVIDENCE

THAT IT'S RUSSIAN

DISINFORMATION

THE DIRECTOR OF NATIONAL

INTELLIGENCE SAID -- AND BY THE

WAY, MORE IMPORTANTLY, THE FBI

SAID IT, AND I DON'T SAY THAT

BECAUSE I THINK THE FBI HAS

MORE CREDIBILITY, I SAY THAT

BECAUSE IT'S PRETTY CLEAR THAT

THE FBI HAS DONE WHATEVER THEY

POSSIBLY COULD TO HURT

DONALD TRUMP

SO IF THEY'RE EVEN COMING OUT

AND SAYING THIS, MEANING THE

UPPER LEVELS OF THE FBI.

THE DOOR KICKERS LOVE US, NOT

SO MUCH THE BUREAUCRATS AT THE

TOP.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Jimmy: OKAY

WAS HE DOUBLE PARKED OR

SOMETHING?

[ LAUGHTER ]

LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE HAS BEEN

DIPPING INTO DADDY'S NUCLEAR

POWERED STEROIDS

HE SOUNDS LIKE A KINDERGARTENER

WHO CAN'T WAIT TO TELL YOU

ABOUT HIS DAY.

AND THEN -- AND THEN -- AND

THEN WE FINGER PAINTED, AND

THEN WE ATE LUNCH, AND THEN WE

PLAYED OUTSIDE, AND THEN WE --

AND THEN WE STUCK UP FOR

RUSSIA, AND THEN -

I DIDN'T KNOW IF I WAS WATCHING

"HANNITY" OR AN EPISODE OF

"NARCOS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

IN SIX MONTHS, DON JR. IS GOING

TO BE AUCTIONING OFF UNCLAIMED

STORAGE UNITS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT WAS A GOOD --

HE SOUNDS LIKE THE GUY WHO

READS THE SIDE EFFECTS ON THE

END OF A ZOLOFT COMMERCIAL

[ INDISCERNIBLE

SOUNDED LIKE EVERY CONVERSATION

THAT'S EVER HAPPENED AT A RAVE

[ LAUGHTER ]

WELL, WITH LESS THAN TWO WEEKS

UNTIL THE ELECTION, THE

PRESIDENT IS CAMPAIGNING AS

MUCH AS HE CAN

TAKE A LOOK.

TO BEGIN A WHIRLWIND WEEKEND OF

CAMPAIGNING.

HE'LL BE HEADING DOWN SOUTH FOR

CAMPAIGN EVENTS IN THE

VILLAGES, THEN A RALLY TONIGHT

IN THE PANHANDLE AND PENSACOLA

HE'LL BE STAYING OVERNIGHT IN

FLORIDA, GETTING A CHANCE TO

EARLY VOTE TOMORROW.

HE'LL BE HOLDING RALLIES THIS

WEEKEND IN PLACES LIKE

NORTH CAROLINA, OHIO, AND

WISCONSIN.

AND THEN SUNDAY, ANOTHER RALLY

IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

>> Jimmy: HE'S STARTING TO TURN

INTO THAT BAND WHERE YOU'RE

JUST LIKE, WEREN'T THEY JUST

HERE

THE RALLIES AREN'T REALLY

CHANGING TRUMP'S APPROVAL

RATING

HOWEVER, THE CORONAVIRUS

NUMBERS ARE THROUGH THE ROOF

TRUMP HASN'T WORKED THIS HARD

SINCE HE HAD TO BE QUIET FOR

TWO MINUTES AT THE DEBATE LAST

NIGHT.

[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]

THIS IS PRETTY CRAZY

A SECURITY RESEARCHER CLAIMS

THAT HE WAS ABLE TO GET INTO

TRUMP'S TWITTER ACCOUNT BY

GUESSING HIS PASSWORD.

CHECK OUT WHAT IT WAS.

>> A DUTCH SECURITY RESEARCHER

WAS ABLE TO ACCESS

PRESIDENT TRUMP'S TWITTER

ACCOUNT LAST WEEK BY GUESSING

HIS PASSWORD

MAGA 2020.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Jimmy: IF YOU'RE WORRIED

ABOUT THE NUCLEAR CODES, DON'T

BE

THAT PASSWORD IS MAGA 2020 WITH

TWO EXCLAMATION POINTS

[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]

WELL, ANOTHER BIG STORY IS

EARLY VOTING

MILLIONS OF AMERICANS ARE DOING

IT

TODAY ONE OF THEM WAS

MIKE PENCE

HERE HE IS CASTING HIS BALLOT

IN INDIANA

THE PENCE'S WERE EXCITED

THEY HAVEN'T DONE A JOINT

THUMBS UP SINCE THEIR

HONEYMOON.

[ LAUGHTER ]

"WHAT DO YOU THINK?"

"ALL RIGHT."

SOME NEWS FROM OVERSEAS.

>> Questlove: OKAY

NEVERMIND.

>> Jimmy: SOME NEWS FROM

OVERSEAS, NORTH KOREA HAS

ORDERED A LOCKDOWN OVER

CONCERNS THAT YELLOW DUST FROM

CHINA COULD SPREAD THE

CORONAVIRUS.

KIM JONG-UN MADE THE

ANNOUNCEMENT, ALONG WITH HIS

INFECTIOUS DISEASE EXPERT,

DR. KIM JONG-FAUCI

[ LAUGHTER ]

IF THE LOCKDOWN WASN'T BAD

ENOUGH, KIM JONG-UN IS NOW

FORCING EVERYONE TO DO A ZOOM

HAPPY HOUR

IF YOU THINK QUARANTINE IN

AMERICA IS BAD, OVER IN

NORTH KOREA, THE ONLY THING

THEY HAVE ON NETFLIX IS "EMILY

IN PYONGYANG."

>> Questlove: NICE ONE

>> Jimmy: YOU CAN GIVE ME

A THING.

>> Questlove: I GOT IT

>> Jimmy: YEAH, YEAH

IT'S JUST A MENTAL -- IT'S A

A SILENT -

>> Questlove: I GOT IT

>> Jimmy: IT'S ALRIGHT

[ RIMSHOT

NO, NO

THAT'S RIGHT

THAT'S HACKIE.

I KNOW

YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THAT.

>> Questlove: I TAKE IT BACK

>> Jimmy: OH, HE TOOK IT BACK.

>> YEAH.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> Jimmy: HE ACTUALLY REVERSED

HIMSELF.

HE REVERSED HIMSELF.

THAT WAS AWESOME

HEY, DID YOU SEE LAST NIGHT THE

NEW YORK GIANTS WERE PLAYING

SOME TEAM.

>> Questlove: WHO?

>> Jimmy: IT DOESN'T MATTER,

RIGHT?

THE PHILADELPHIA EAGLES.

>> Questlove: YEAH

>> Jimmy: AND THE GIANTS

QUARTERBACK DANIEL JONES TRIED

RUNNING FOR AN 88-YARD

TOUCHDOWN.

LET'S SEE HOW THAT WENT.

>> FROM THE 12

JONES KEEPS.

GETS A BLOCK

TAKES OFF, AND HE IS GONE!

TRYING TO STAY UPRIGHT, AND HE

TRIPS!

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Jimmy: THAT FELT LIKE

RE-WATCHING THE LAST SEASON OF

"GAME OF THRONES."

LIKE, YES, YES, Y'ALL!

WELL, THE HOLIDAYS ARE COMING

UP, AND SOUTHWEST AIRLINES JUST

MADE A BIG ANNOUNCEMENT ABOUT

THEIR FLIGHTS.

TAKE A LOOK.

>> SOUTHWEST AIRLINES IS

DROPPING A PANDEMIC POLICY THAT

PROVIDED MORE SOCIAL DISTANCING

ON FLIGHTS

IT WILL NO LONGER KEEP MIDDLE

SEATS EMPTY, STARTING

DECEMBER 1st

SOUTHWEST SAYS AIR FILTERING

AND MASKS HAVE CREATED HEALTHY

ENVIRONMENTS ABOARD PLANES

>> Jimmy: COME ON.

IT'S SOUTHWEST

THE WHOLE PLANE IS A MIDDLE

SEAT

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU ACTUALLY DON'T HAVE TO

WORRY, BECAUSE EVEN THE

CORONAVIRUS DOESN'T WANT

ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE MIDDLE

SEAT ON SOUTHWEST.

THE MIDDLE SEAT ON SOUTHWEST

I WOULD RATHER BE ON LOCKDOWN

IN NORTH KOREA

PRETTY SURE THE ONLY IN-FLIGHT

ENTERTAINMENT THEY HAVE ON

SOUTHWEST IS "EMILY IN

PYONGYANG.

[ SCATTERED APPLAUSE ]

AND FINALLY, GUINNESS IS ABOUT

TO UNVEIL ITS NEWEST PRODUCT

LET'S SEE WHAT IT IS

>> GUINNESS LAUNCHING ITS

FIRST-EVER NON-ALCOHOLIC BEER.

IT'S CALLED GUINNESS ZERO.

IT TOOK THE COMPANY FOUR YEARS

TO RE-CREATE THE SAME TASTE AS

IT'S ORIGINAL STOUT WITHOUT THE

ALCOHOL.

>> Jimmy: IF YOU ORDER THAT IN

IRELAND, YOU'RE MARCHED THROUGH

TOWN WHILE EVERYONE THROWS

ROTTEN VEGETABLES AT YOU

SHAME, SHAME

GUINNESS WITHOUT BOOZE

HERE'S HOW IRISH PEOPLE ARE

REACTING

>> COME ON

>> Jimmy: THERE YOU GO

WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW

GIVE IT UP FOR THE ROOTS,

EVERYBODY.

♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

>> Jimmy: WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW

FOR YOU TONIGHT.

I WANT TO SHOW YOU THIS RIGHT

HERE

THIS IS MY NEW BOOK.

THIS IS "5 MORE SLEEPS 'TIL

CHRISTMAS.

CAN YOU SEE IT

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

IT COMES OUT ON TUESDAY.

IT'S NOT EVEN OUT YET.

SO I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I'M

REALLY TALKING ABOUT IT.

YOU KNOW WHY I'M TALKING ABOUT

IT, THOUGH

>> Tariq: DO WE GET A COPY

>> Jimmy: JUST PREORDER IT

NO, NOT EVERYONE IN THE

AUDIENCE GETS COPIES

NO

THERE'S NOT THAT MANY PEOPLE

HERE

IT'S NOT OUT YET, SO I CAN'T

EVEN GIVE IT AWAY.

BUT THIS IS -- WHAT'S HAPPENING

IS SHIPOCOLYPSE.

>> Tariq: YEAH, WITH SHIPPING.

>> Jimmy: YEAH, EXACTLY RIGHT.

YEAH, THE SHIPOCOLYPSE

AND EVERYONE IS --

>> Tariq: I THOUGHT YOU SAID

SOMETHING ELSE

>> Jimmy: BUT YOU GUESSED

SHIPPING

>> Tariq: NO

NO

YEAH

I FIGURED IT OUT

HEY, WHEN IT COMES OUT, IS IT

GOING TO BE LIKE A REAL BOOK

WITH GLOSS AND ALL

[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]

>> Jimmy: REAL BOOKS DON'T HAVE

GLOSS.

>> Tariq: I MEAN, HIGH QUALITY

>> Jimmy: I MEAN, IT'S GOING TO

BE LIKE YOUR ALBUM COVERS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Tariq: WHAT'S AN ALBUM

COVER.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Jimmy: OH, REALLY, YOU'RE SO

YOUNG YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT

IS

ANY WAY, IT'S AVAILABLE FOR

PREORDER NOW

IT COMES OUT ON TUESDAY.

I'M VERY PROUD OF IT

"5 MORE SLEEPS 'TIL CHRISTMAS.

IT'S ABOUT TWO KIDS EXCITED FOR

CHRISTMAS.

AND I'M EXCITED ABOUT IT

I'M EXCITED ABOUT IT

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

I GOT THREE MORE SLEEPS UNTIL I

CAN TALK ABOUT FIVE MORE

SLEEPS

WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU

TONIGHT.

YOU CAN SEE HER NEW STAND-UP

SPECIAL "CHELSEA HANDLER:

EVOLUTION" ON "HBO MAX."

CHELSEA HANDLER IS HERE

TONIGHT.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

PLUS, HERE TO TALK ABOUT THE

ELECTION, SENATOR

BERNIE SANDERS IS ON THE SHOW.

[ APPLAUSE ]

AND THEIR NEW ALBUM, "LIVE

DRUGS," COMES OUT

NOVEMBER 20th.

WE HAVE MUSIC FROM THE WAR ON

DRUGS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

GUYS, IT IS THE END OF THE

WEEK

AND, THAT'S USUALLY WHEN I

CATCH UP WITH SOME PERSONAL

STUFF.

YOU KNOW, I CHECK MY INBOX OR

RETURN SOME EMAILS, AND, OF

COURSE, SEND OUT "THANK YOU

NOTES.

WELL, I WAS RUNNING A BIT

BEHIND, SO I THOUGHT IF YOU

GUYS WOULDN'T MIND, I WOULD

LIKE TO WRITE OUT MY WEEKLY

THANK YOU NOTES RIGHT NOW.

JAMES, CAN I GET SOME THANK YOU

NOTE WRITING MUSIC, PLEASE

♪

YOU MOVED A LITTLE BIT

A LITTLE BIT OF MOVEMENT THERE

♪

THANK YOU, CANDY CORN, FOR

LOOKING LIKE A 5-YEAR-OLD'S

FINGER PAINTING OF

DONALD TRUMP

[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]

M♪

THANK YOU, APPLE PICKING, FOR

GIVING COUPLES WHO ARE TIRED OF

GETTING INTO FIGHTS AT IKEA AN

OUTDOOR ALTERNATIVE.

[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]

I'M GOING TO PUT THEM IN THE

ENVELOPE LATER

>> Tariq: I MEAN, WOW, YOU

REALLY ARE PHONING IT IN TODAY,

HUH?

THERE'S NO GLOSS

>> Jimmy: NO, IT'S NOT -- NO,

THERE IS NEVER GOING TO BE

GLOSS.

>> Tariq: OKAY

SO HOW COME YOU'RE NOT PUTTING

THEM IN THE ENVELOPE NOW

BECAUSE OF SHIPOCOLYPSE?

>> Jimmy: NO

I'M NOT DOING IT, BECAUSE I

FIGURED, WELL, IT JUST TAKES A

A LITTLE EXTRA BEAT OF TIME.

I'LL LICK THE ENVELOPES ON THE

NEXT TWO

>> Tariq: DUDE, AFTER LIKE

17 YEARS OF, LIKE, YOU KNOW,

THANK YOU NOTES WHERE YOU PUT

IT IN THE ENVELOPE

NOW WE CAN'T EVEN LOOK FORWARD

TO THAT ON A FRIDAY.

GREAT.

>> Jimmy: TARIQ, NOT EVERYTHING

CAN BE AS GLOSSY AS YOUR SHOES

[ LAUGHTER ]

♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

>> Questlove: I SAW YOU

SEARCHING AND SEARCHING AND

SEARCHING.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU GOT ME

YOU GOT ME

OKAY

♪

>> Jimmy: ALRIGHT, COME ON,

JAMES.

♪

THANK YOU, DUNKIN'S NEW SPICY

GHOST PEPPER DONUTS FOR

EXPLAINING THEIR NEW SLOGAN,

AMERICAN GETS RUNS ON DUNKIN

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT'S FOR YOU

♪

THANK YOU, PUMPKIN CARVING, FOR

TEACHING KIDS THAT HALLOWEEN

ISN'T JUST ABOUT TAKING CANDY

FROM STRANGERS

IT'S ALSO ABOUT PLAYING WITH

KNIVES

[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]

♪

THANK YOU, LEAVES TURNING RED,

OR AS TREES PUT IT, "OMG, THIS

IS SO EMBARRASSING."

AMERICA GETS RUNS.

♪

THANK YOU, REMOVING THE A.C.

WINDOW UNIT AT THE END OF

SUMMER, FOR BEING THE ONLY

CHORE THAT LEADS TO A POSSIBLE

MANSLAUGHTER CHARGE IF I DO IT

WRONG.

[ LAUGHTER ]

PACK EVERYTHING UP, WE'RE

MOVING

♪

THANK YOU, HOT STONE MASSAGES,

FOR THE CALMING SENSATION OF

BEING BRANDED.

[ APPLAUSE ]

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

THOSE ARE MY "THANK YOU NOTES,"

EVERYBODY.

WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW

COME ON BACK

MORE "TONIGHT SHOW."

♪

>> Jimmy: MY FIRST GUEST IS ONE

OF MY FAVORITES.

SHE'S A FIVE-TIME NUMBER ONE

"NEW YORK TIMES" BEST SELLING

AUTHOR, AND A VERY, VERY

TALENTED COMEDIENNE.

HER NEW STANDUP SPECIAL

"CHELSEA HANDLER, EVOLUTION" IS

STREAMING NOW ON HBOMAX.

HERE IS THE ALWAYS ENTERTAINING

CHELSEA HANDLER!

HI, CHELSEA.

WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW

YOU LOOK GREAT, BUD.

THANKS SO MUCH FOR COMING ON

THE SHOW, AND ACTUALLY I WANT

TO THANK YOU FOR COMING ON THE

SHOW BACK WHEN WE FIRST STARTED

DOING THE SHOW FROM HOME, FROM

THE -- WHERE WE STARTED THE

QUARANTINE, EARLY IN THE

QUARANTINE

>> YEAH, YOU WEREN'T IN A GOOD

WAY WHEN THE QUARANTINE

STARTED.

I REMEMBER

YOU WERE LIKE -- I WAS LIKE,

"HE BETTER GET BACK TO WORK

SOON."

YOU WERE LIKE, "HOW LONG AM I

GOING TO HAVE TO STAY HOME?"

I MEAN, SERIOUSLY.

I REMEMBER GETTING OFF OF OUR

ZOOM AND I WAS LIKE, "HE'S NOT

GOING TO LIKE THIS

HE'S NOT LIKING QUARANTINE AT

ALL.

>> Jimmy: THAT WAS CHALLENGING,

MAN.

BUT I DID -- NOW I LOOK BACK

AND I GO, "OH, YEAH, I THINK IT

WAS FUN, THE HOME SHOWS.

>> YEAH.

>> Jimmy: BUT I DON'T REMEMBER

THEM REALLY.

IT JUST LIKE -- JUST HAPPENED

SO FAST.

IT WAS JUST ME -- IT WAS NANCY

AND I.

THERE WAS NO ONE -- DID I SAY

ME AND NANCY

JUST ME AND NANCY.

>> IT'S JUST NANCY AND ME IS

REALLY WHAT YOU SHOULD BE

SAYING

I MEAN, I HATE TO CONSTANTLY GO

OVER GRAMMAR WITH YOU.

IT'S EXHAUSTING.

>> Jimmy: WE JUST STARTED THE

INTERVIEW.

THAT'S ONE

>> I KNOW.

>> Jimmy: I GET THREE STRIKES.

>> IN THIS INTERVIEW, YOU GET

THREE STRIKES.

IN OUR HISTORY -

>> Jimmy: IN OUR HISTORY, OH,

FORGET IT.

I'M ALREADY -- OH, PLEASE.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME

I'M AWFUL.

I'M BAD WITH THAT.

I'VE GOT TO FIGURE THAT OUT.

NEXT TIME I TALK TO YOU, YOU

CAN TEST ME ON GRAMMAR AND SEE

IF I'M GETTING BETTER.

>> ALL RIGHT, THAT SOUNDS LIKE

A FAIR SHAKE

THANK YOU.

>> Jimmy: THAT SOUNDS LIKE A

A REALLY EXCITING PART OF THE

INTERVIEW.

>> YEAH, IT SOUNDS LIKE AN

EPISODE PEOPLE ARE GOING TO BE

DYING TO SEE

>> Jimmy: "OH DID SEE IT

CHELSEA GRAMMAR EPISODE?

>> CHELSEA -- CHELSEA GRAMMAR.

I CAN TEAM UP WITH

KELSEY GRAMMER

AND WE CAN BOTH DOUBLE TEAM YOU

ON YOUR GRAMMAR.

>> Jimmy: DO YOU HAVE YOUR

HALLOWEEN COSTUME YET?

IF NOT, YOU COULD BE CHELSEA

GRAMMAR.

>> THAT'S IT

>> Jimmy: I'M JUST SAYING.

ARE YOU A HALLOWEEN PERSON

I FEEL LIKE YOU WERE AND NOW

YOU'RE NOT

>> IT'S WEIRD THAT YOU WOULD

THINK THAT, BUT I'M NOT INTO

DRESSING UP.

I FEEL LIKE IT'S DEGRADING

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN

>> Jimmy: YEAH

>> I'M NOT INTO COSTUMES

YOU'RE A GOOD SPORT, AND I

DON'T HAVE A GOOD SPORT

ATTITUDE

I'M KIND OF LIKE A SCROOGE WHEN

IT COMES TO PEOPLE TELLING ME

WHAT TO DO ON A CERTAIN DAY OF

THE YEAR

I TAKE OFFENSE TO THAT

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT'S LIKE CHRISTMAS, "NO, DON'T

TELL ME WHEN I'M SUPPOSED TO

GIVE MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY

GIFTS AND CELEBRATE SOMETHING I

DON'T EACH BELIEVE IN.

>> Jimmy: I AGREE WITH YOU

"MOTHER, DON'T TELL ME WHAT YOU

WANT FOR CHRISTMAS

THAT'S THE WHOLE IDEA -- NO,

I'M GIVING A GIFT.

I'M JUST GIVING AND EITHER YOU

TAKE IT AND 'GO WOW, OKAY.'"

>> YEAH.

>> Jimmy: YOU GET WHAT YOU GET

>> THIS CHRISTMAS IS GOING TO

BE DIFFERENT BECAUSE LIKE --

YOU KNOW, LIKE YOU, I SPENT

A LOT OF TIME WITH MY FAMILY

BUT I SPENT A LOT OF TIME, THEY

DESCENDED UPON MY HOUSE WHEN

QUARANTINE STARTED

MY SISTER, SIMONE, WHO I USED

TO LIKE A LOT MORE, AND HER

THREE CHILDREN

THEY LIVED WITH ME FOR TWO

MONTHS

AND THAT WAS, YOU KNOW,

WONDERFUL TO SEE MY HOUSE BEING

USED IN THAT WAY

BUT IT WAS A LOT OF TIME WITH

CHILDREN THAT I CHOSE NOT TO

HAVE ON MY OWN, YOU KNOW

SO IT FELT LIKE, WAIT A SECOND,

I MADE THE RIGHT DECISIONS IN

MY LIFE, YET I'M BEING

PUNISHED

AND THEN OVER THE SUMMER, WE

WENT ON FOR LIKE A TWO-WEEK

FAMILY VACATION WITH MY ENTIRE

FAMILY

>> Jimmy: AWW.

>> AND WITH ALL MY NIECES AND

NEPHEWS.

SO FOR CHRISTMAS, THEY'RE LIKE,

"WHAT'S THE PLAN FOR

CHRISTMAS?

AND WE USUALLY GO FOR CANADA

I'M LIKE, "WE CAN'T GET INTO

CANADA THIS YEAR, BECAUSE WE'RE

PARIAHS.

WE CAN'T GO SKIING."

I SAID, "SO I GUESS EVERYONE IS

ON THEIR OWN THIS YEAR FOR

COVID.

YOU KNOW, WE ALREADY HAD THE

VACATION AT MARTHA'S VINEYARD.

AND MY BROTHER ACTUALLY HAD THE

AUDACITY TO SAY TO ME, "WHAT

ABOUT YOU COMING EAST AND WE

ALL GO SKIING IN VERMONT?"

I GO, "I DON'T THINK YOU'RE

GETTING THE MESSAGE.

I'M NOT CELEBRATING CHRISTMAS

WITH YOU GUYS, OKAY?

I WANT TO BE ALONE."

>> Jimmy: NO

YOU'RE LIKE, "I DON'T GO TO

YOU, WE GO TO A PLACE.

BUT I'M NOT GONNA GO -- WHAT

ARE WE -- I THINK YOU'RE GOING

TO GO.

>> I'M NOT GOING TO VERMONT.

I'M NOT.

>> Jimmy: TURNS OUT I DON'T

KNOW YOU AT ALL.

>> NO, YOU DON'T

IT DOESN'T SEEM LIKE THE MORE

WE TALK THE LESS IT SEEMS LIKE

YOU KNOW

[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]

>> Jimmy: I'VE READ THE BOOKS,

I'VE SEEN THE SPECIALS, I WATCH

THE SHOW

I'VE WATCHED -- I'VE SEEN

EVERYTHING, THE WHOLE -- THE

EVOLUTION.

I'M NOT SEGUEING YET, BUT THE

EVOLUTION OF YOUR CAREER

I'VE BEEN THERE.

WE'RE GETTING CLOSE.

>> YOU HAVE.

>> Jimmy: I HAVE THE LONG

SETUP.

SO I SAY EVOLUTION, THEN

EVENTUALLY WE'LL GET TO THE

SETUP.

BUT NOT YET.

>> OKAY, SHOULD I JUST WAIT

HERE

SHOULD I JUST WAIT HERE?

>> Jimmy: YES.

YOU SHOULD JUST WAIT THERE

I WAS THINKING IS MY GRAMMAR

CORRECT ON THAT?

YOU'RE VERY OPEN ABOUT HOW

THERAPY HAS HELPED YOU BECOME

A MORE PATIENT PERSON IN SOME

WAYS

IS THAT SOMETHING THAT YOU HAVE

TO WORK ON ALL THE TIME AND

STILL DO

>> WELL, YES

I MEAN, FOR SURE

IF I COULD HAVE LEARNED HOW TO

GET A HANDLE ON MY PATIENCE,

ANYONE CAN

AND YOU KNOW, YOU THINK YOU'RE

DOING WELL, LIKE I -- YOU KNOW,

I'M MAKING A LOT OF

IMPROVEMENTS, I'M LESS

REACTIVE

BUT WHEN I CAME HOME THE LAST

TRIP, I HAD BEEN GONE TWO

MONTHS

I WENT AND SHOT MY SPECIAL, I

WENT ON MY FAMILY VACATION,

THEN I RENTED A HOUSE IN MAINE

FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS.

AND I CAME HOME AND MY

ASSISTANT HAD HAD ALL THE DECKS

PAINTED BLACK, DARK, DARK

BLACK.

PAINT ON MY WOOD, MY EPAY WOOD,

AND MY HOUSE

AND THIS IS -- AND I THINK, YOU

KNOW, LIKE "OH, I'M REASONABLE

I'M A RATIONAL PERSON.

I WALKED OUTSIDE, SAW MY -- AND

MY DECKS, AND MY HOUSE, AND

COMPASS, EVERYTHING.

AND I WENT OFF

I WAS LIKE, "HOW COULD YOU

THINK THAT I WOULD THINK THAT

THIS WOULD LOOK GOOD

BLACK PAINT!

>> Jimmy: YEAH

>> I GO, "IT'S TOO HOT TO EVEN

WALK ON.

THE DOGS ARE GOING TO SCALD

THEIR LITTLE BABY PAWS."

AND THEN -- I COULDN'T BELIEVE

IT

I GO, "HOW COULD YOU THINK I

WOULD LIKE PAINT?"

>> Jimmy: YES.

>> "HOW COULD YOU PAINT WOOD

AND HOW COULD PAINT IT THIS

COLOR?

>> Jimmy: "AM I A PERSON THAT

LOOKS LIKE THEY LIKE PAINTED

WOOD

DON'T YOU KNOW ME?

>> YEAH, AND I LOOKED -- AND

I'M LIKE -

AS SOON AS IT'S OUT AND I'M

SCREAMING AND SAYING THESE

WORDS AND BEING SUCH A SMALL

PERSON AND I'M WORRIED ABOUT MY

STUPID DECKS WHEN WE'RE IN THE

MIDDLE OF A PANDEMIC, I WAS

LIKE "SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT

UP, YOU'RE BEING A BITCH

SHUT UP, SHUT UP

STOP TALKING

STOP TALKING."

AND I'M LIKE, "YOU THINK YOU'RE

ALL, YOU KNOW, FIXED OR BETTER

AND THEN YOU HAVE A SLIP-UP

LIKE THAT," AND THAT WAS

EMBARRASSING

I HAD TO APOLOGIZE TO MY

ASSISTANT 'CAUSE I HAD AN

OUTBURST LIKE I HADN'T HAD IN

YEARS.

SO IT'S A WORK IN PROGRESS

>> Jimmy: YEAH, I HAVE TO CALL

YOUR THERAPIST, 'CAUSE I HAVE

THE SAME PROBLEM

DID YOU -- LET'S GET INTO

SOMETHING LESS STRESSFUL

DID YOU WATCH THE DEBATE LAST

NIGHT?

[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]

>> YOU KNOW WHAT

I TOOK MYSELF OUT TO DINNER

INSTEAD OF WATCHING THE DEBATE,

BECAUSE I HEARD THAT IDIOT TALK

FOR FOUR YEARS AND I DON'T NEED

TO HEAR HIM SAY ANOTHER WORD

I MEAN, SERIOUSLY.

MY BLOOD PRESSURE, YOU COULD

ALREADY TELL WHEN I GET

AGGRAVATED

IT'S NOT GOOD FOR ANYBODY.

>> Jimmy: NO

>> SO I CAN'T WATCH HIM TALK

NO THANKS.

>> Jimmy: I THINK -- GO.

>> AND YOU KNOW, YOU HEARD

ABOUT MY EX-BOYFRIEND, RIGHT

50 CENT AND HIS SUPPORT OF

DONALD TRUMP

HOW HE TWEETED ABOUT IT.

>> Jimmy: YEAH, WHAT'S GOING

ON

I SAW YOUR TWEETS AND I GO,

"WAIT, WHAT'S HAPPENING?

'CAUSE YOU SAID HE WAS YOUR

FAVORITE EX-BOYFRIEND.

AND THEN HE -- WHAT DOES HE DO

HE'S SUPPORTING TRUMP?

>> HE SAYS HE DOESN'T WANT TO

PAY 62% OF TAXES, WHICH BY THE

WAY, ISN'T A PLAN OF

JOE BIDEN'S.

THAT'S A LIE

SO HE DOESN'T WANT TO PAY 62%

OF TAXES BECAUSE HE DOESN'T

WANT TO GO FROM BEING 50 CENT

TO 20 CENT

AND I -- AND I HAD TO REMIND

HIM THAT HE WAS A BLACK PERSON

SO HE CAN'T VOTE FOR

DONALD TRUMP AND THAT HE

SHOULDN'T BE INFLUENCING AN

ENTIRE SWATH OF PEOPLE WHO MAY

LISTEN TO HIM BECAUSE HE'S

WORRIED ABOUT HIS OWN PERSONAL

POCKETBOOK

SO I HAVEN'T HEARD BACK FROM

HIM YET, BUT I AM WILLING TO,

YOU KNOW, SEAL THE DEAL IN MORE

WAYS THAN ONE IF HE CHANGES HIS

MIND AND PUBLICLY DENOUNCES

DONALD TRUMP

I MIGHT BE WILLING TO GO FOR

ANOTHER SPIN, IF YOU KNOW WHAT

I'M TALKING ABOUT.

>> Jimmy: CHELSEA, I WANT TO

TALK ABOUT YOUR NEW STANDUP

SPECIAL, WHICH IS -- I HAVE SO

MANY QUESTIONS ABOUT IT AND HOW

YOU PULLED IT OFF.

AND DO YOU MIND STICKING AROUND

FOR TWO MORE MINUTES

>> I WOULD LOVE TO

>> Jimmy: MORE WITH

CHELSEA HANDLER WHEN WE COME

BACK

STICK AROUND, EVERYBODY.

♪

>> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK,

EVERYBODY.

I'M TALKING WITH

CHELSEA HANDLER.

CHELSEA, CONGRATS ON THE NEW

STANDUP SPECIAL "EVOLUTION."

STANDUP, I MEAN -- BY THE WAY,

IT'S YOUR FIRST STANDUP IN SIX

YEARS.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT

WHY HAS IT BEEN SIX YEARS?

>> WELL, BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE

REALLY ANYTHING TO SAY

YOU KNOW, I KIND OF NEEDED A

A TIME-OUT FROM EVERYTHING

YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE

ON A SHOW EVERY SINGLE DAY

SO I KIND OF JUST BURNED OUT IN

A BIG WAY.

BUT WHEN I DID MY BOOK TOUR

LAST YEAR AND I WAS DOING THE

TOUR BEING INTERVIEWED BY

PEOPLE, LIKE, ABOUT WHAT WAS IN

THE BOOK

AND AS I WAS TELLING THESE

STORIES, I'M LIKE, "OH, I'M

WARMING UP MY SET IN AN

INTERVIEW STYLE SO THAT I CAN

GET SOME LEGS UNDERNEATH IT

BEFORE I GET UP AND TRY STANDUP

AGAIN BECAUSE I HADN'T DONE IT

SO LONG.

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IF ANYONE

WOULD WANT ME TO DO IT OR WANT

TO SEE ANYTHING I WAS DOING.

YOU KNOW, OR IF I COULD SELL

TICKETS IN THE SAME WAY BECAUSE

I WASN'T ON A TV SHOW ALL THE

TIME

SO IT WAS A REAL HUMBLING,

LIKE, FORAY OUT THERE.

YOU KNOW, LIKE PUTTING MYSELF

OUT THERE IN THAT WAY WAS GOOD

FOR ME BECAUSE I NEEDED TO KIND

OF GET A LITTLE HUMBLED.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN

I WANTED TO REALLY GIVE

SOMETHING DURING THIS TIME

YOU KNOW, I WANTED TO PUT

SOMETHING OUT THERE THAT WAS

GOING TO BRING SOME RELIEF AND

SOME JOY AND SOME HUMANITY TO

THIS DARK TIME THAT WE'RE ALL

LIVING IN.

>> Jimmy: WE NEED IT RIGHT NOW

WE NEED IT

IT'S SO FUNNY, THE SPECIAL, BUT

ALSO, IT'S -- RAW AND KIND OF

EMOTIONAL.

>> YEAH.

>> Jimmy: AND YOU DO TALK ABOUT

YOUR OLDER BROTHER, WHO DIED

WHEN YOU WERE NINE AND THE

IMPACT IT HAD ON YOU AND THE

FAMILY

YOU WENT THERE

>> YEAH.

I MEAN, IT ALWAYS WAS A THING

FOR ME

YOU KNOW, I REMEMBER WATCHING

"STEEL MAGNOLIAS," YOU KNOW

THAT SCENE WHERE JULIA ROBERTS'

CHARACTER DIES AND SALLY FIELD

IS HYSTERICALLY CRYING, AND

SHE'S JUST, LIKE, "I JUST WANT

TO HIT SOMEBODY, I JUST WANT TO

HIT SOMEBODY."

AND THEN, OLIVIA DUKAKIS IS

LIKE "HERE, HIT WEEZA," AND

THROWS HER IN HER FACE, RIGHT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO YOU HAVE THAT PIVOT FROM

THAT HYSTERICAL, LIKE

HYSTERICALLY CRYING TO THIS

HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER AND JOY.

AND I THOUGHT, "OH, WHEN I SAW

"HANNAH GATSBY: SPECIAL" A FEW

YEARS AGO AND SHE WAS ABLE TO

DO THAT, I THOUGHT "OH, YOU CAN

DO THAT IN THIS MEDIUM."

YOU CAN BE ORIGINAL AND MAKE

IT -- I MEAN, YOU KNOW, YOU CAN

MARRY THOSE MOMENTS.

YOU CAN STILL HAVE HYSTERICAL

JOKES FOR 45 MINUTES AND GET

SERIOUS FOR FIVE MINUTES

LIKE, THERE'S NO REASON THAT

THAT FORM IS, YOU KNOW, IT'S

NOT SO RIGID AND DEFINED AS IT

USED TO BE

SO IT WAS CHALLENGING AND IT

WAS JUST -- IT FEELS SO GOOD

THAT I WAS ABLE TO ACCOMPLISH

SOMETHING DURING COVID

>> Jimmy: BECAUSE I'VE NEVER

SEEN YOU DO ANYTHING LIKE THAT

USUALLY, IT'S ALL JOKES THE

WHOLE THING.

WHICH I LOVE

BUT THIS WAS A GOOD LITTLE

THING AND EVERYONE IS LIKE --

AND AFTER READING YOUR LAST

BOOK, LEARNING MORE ABOUT YOU

AND YOUR FAMILY, IT'S A PERSON

UP THERE

BUT YOU DID IT PERFECTLY

YOU WROTE THE LINE PERFECTLY

AND YOU DID IT IN NEW JERSEY

>> THANK YOU

I DID IT IN NEW JERSEY

I THOUGHT IT WAS A NICE

HOMECOMING

I WANTED TO LIKE HAVE A NIGHT

OUT IN MY HOMETOWN WHERE PEOPLE

COULD COME, YOU HAVE TO

QUARANTINE TO EVEN BE IN MY

AUDIENCE

SO THESE PEOPLE, SOME OF THEM

HADN'T BEEN OUT FOR COVID THE

WHOLE TIME

AND THEN, BRINGING THEM INTO

THIS BEAUTIFUL OUTDOOR TRAIN

STATION, I CALL IT LIBERTY

STATION.

AND MY VIEW WAS OF THE

MANHATTAN SKYLINE.

SO IT JUST FELT GREAT TO LIKE

BRING THAT KIND OF RELIEF.

AND IT JUST REMINDED ME OF,

LIKE, "OH, YEAH, YOU KNOW,

WE'VE GOT TO, LIKE -- PEOPLE

ARE DEPENDING ON US TO BRING

JOY AND LAUGHTER TO THIS TIME.

AND YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW IT AS

WELL AS I KNOW IT THAT IT'S

A RESPONSIBILITY THAT WE SHOULD

TAKE A LOT OF PRIDE IN, YOU

KNOW, IN HONORING AND BRING IT,

LIKE BRING IT.

BRING THE COMEDY, BRING THE

LAUGHTER, BRING ME SOMETHING

>> Jimmy: WE DON'T HAVE AN

OPTION RIGHT NOW

WE HAVE TO DO IT

YOU HAVE TO SHOW UP, YEAH.

IT'S AWESOME THAT YOU DID THIS

I LOVE IT, AND I LOVE -- DON'T

FORGET WHERE YOU CAME FROM

I LOVE THAT.

IT'S SO COOL

I WANT TO SHOW A CLIP.

HERE'S CHELSEA HANDLER IN HER

STANDUP SPECIAL "EVOLUTION" ON

HBO MAX.

TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.

>> I'M LIKE, I SPEND TONS OF

TIMES IN HOTELS AND I GET HOME

AT LIKE 1:00, 2:00 IN THE

MORNING.

I WANT MY SNACK AND I CALL DOWN

AND I ORDER WHAT I WANT FROM

ROOM SERVICE

AND THAT'S TOO SLOW.

AT 1:30 IN THE MORNING, THERE

SHOULD BE LIKE A DOUBLE SPEED,

YOU KNOW, WHERE PEOPLE ARE

QUICKER AND MORE ALERT OR JUST

QUICKER.

THEN THEY WANT TO REPEAT THE

ORDER BACK TO ME

IT'S LIKE, "PLEASE, WHATEVER

YOU THINK YOU HEARD, JUST BRING

DOUBLE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND DON'T SAY CHICKEN FINGERS

OUT LOUD AGAIN

I'M 45 YEARS OLD

I DON'T WANT TO HAVE THIS

CONVERSATION

>> Jimmy: CHELSEA HANDLER,

EVERYBODY.

"CHELSEA HANDLER: EVOLUTION" IS

STREAMING NOW ON HBO MAX

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH

SENATOR BERNIE SANDERS

STICK AROUND, EVERYBODY.

♪

>> Jimmy: MY NEXT GUEST IS A

A SENATOR FROM THE GREAT STATE

OF VERMONT

I'M PLEASED TO WELCOME HIM BACK

TO THE SHOW.

HERE IS SENATOR BERNIE SANDERS

HEY, SENATOR SANDERS

YOU LOOK GREAT

REALLY GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING

HERE

>> THANKS FOR HAVING ME, JIMMY

>> Jimmy: THERE'S A LOT TO TALK

ABOUT.

FIRST, I WOULD LOVE TO GET YOUR

THOUGHTS ON LAST NIGHT'S

DEBATE

>> WELL, WHAT I THINK IS THAT

IT WAS CERTAINLY NOT AS CRAZY

A DEBATE AS THE FIRST DEBATE

>> Jimmy: YEAH

>> BUT I CONTINUE TO BE

ASTOUNDED BY THE DEGREE TO

WHICH DONALD TRUMP LIES.

JUST LIES AND LIES AND LIES.

NOT ONLY HIS LIES, HIS DOWN

PLAYING OF THIS TERRIBLE

PANDEMIC FROM DAY ONE IS JUST

ASTOUNDING TO ME

AND I HOPE THE AMERICAN PEOPLE

UNDERSTAND THAT BECAUSE OF HIS

IRRESPONSIBILITY, BECAUSE OF

HIS REJECTION OF SCIENCE, HIS

ATTACKS ON DR. FAUCI THAT TENS

OF THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE HAVE

DIED UNNECESSARILY

>> Jimmy: ONE OF THE THINGS I

ADMIRED ABOUT YOU IS THAT YOU

ENDORSED VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN,

ALTHOUGH YOU DON'T AGREE WITH

HIM ON EVERY ISSUE

I JUST THINK THAT SENDS -- WHAT

MESSAGE ARE YOU SENDING THERE?

>> WELL, THE MESSAGE IS THAT -

LET ME BE VERY FRANK, AND NOT

EVERYBODY WILL AGREE WITH ME,

BUT I THINK THAT DONALD TRUMP

IS THE MOST DANGEROUS PRESIDENT

IN THE MODERN HISTORY OF THIS

COUNTRY, AND IT'S NOT JUST

BECAUSE HE LIES ALL THE TIME

IT'S NOT JUST BECAUSE HE

DOESN'T BELIEVE IN SCIENCE

IT'S NOT JUST BECAUSE HE'S A

A RACIST OR A SEXIST OR

A HOMOPHOBE OR A XENOPHOBE, IT

IS BECAUSE HE IS QUITE

INTENTIONALLY TRYING TO

UNDERMINE AMERICAN DEMOCRACY

TRYING TO SUPPRESS THE VOTE.

WE ARE A DEMOCRATIC SOCIETY.

PEOPLE HAVE FOUGHT AND DIED TO

DEFEND OUR DEMOCRACY, AND WE

CANNOT RE-ELECT THE PRESIDENT

WHO DOES NOT BELIEVE IN THE

RULE OF LAW, OUR CONSTITUTION,

OR IN FACT, OUR DEMOCRACY.

I HAVE KNOWN JOE FOR MANY, MANY

YEARS.

HE IS A VERY DECENT GUY.

AS YOU HAVE INDICATED, HE AND I

HAVE DIFFERENCES OF OPINIONS ON

A NUMBER OF ISSUES

BUT I CAN VOUCH FOR HIS DECENCY

AND HIS BELIEF IN THE RULE OF

LAW AND DEMOCRACY.

>> Jimmy: WHEN WAS THE FIRST

TIME -- DO YOU REMEMBER MEETING

JOE BIDEN, THE VICE PRESIDENT?

>> I DO.

HE WAS A SENATOR AND I WAS A

A SENATOR.

HE WAS AROUND FOR A VERY LONG

TIME

I WAS NEW.

AND THE THING I THINK THAT

PEOPLE WILL LEARN ABOUT

JOE BIDEN, HE IS A VERY, VERY

DOWN-TO-EARTH GUY.

MY WIFE REMEMBERS THE FIRST

TIME THAT SHE MET HIM, AND SHE

NEVER TALKED TO HIM AT ALL

HE SAT DOWN AND HE CHATTED WITH

HER ABOUT IRELAND, THEIR

FAMILIES BOTH COME FROM

IRELAND.

>> Jimmy: YEAH

>> VERY HUMAN GUY.

A VERY EMPATHETIC GUY.

>> Jimmy: ALTHOUGH THE ELECTION

IS NOVEMBER 3RD, AND IT'S BEEN

SAID WE WON'T KNOW THE RESULTS

UNTIL DAYS LATER

WHEN DO YOU THINK WE'LL KNOW

THE RESULTS?

>> JIMMY, YOU RAISE AN

IMPORTANT POINT, AND I HOPE THE

AMERICAN PEOPLE UNDERSTAND IT,

BECAUSE THIS IS SOMETHING I

WORRY ABOUT.

MY VIEW IS EVERY VOTE MUST BE

COUNTED.

FOR REASONS WHICH I DON'T HAVE

THE TIME TO GET INTO TONIGHT,

YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE A

A SITUATION, I SUSPECT, IN

STATES LIKE PENNSYLVANIA,

MICHIGAN, WISCONSIN, OTHER

STATES, WHERE THEY ARE GOING TO

BE RECEIVING HUGE AMOUNTS OF

MAIL-IN BALLOTS.

AND UNLIKE STATES LIKE FLORIDA

OR VERMONT, THEY'RE NOT ABLE,

FOR BAD REASONS, TO BEGIN

PROCESSING THOSE BALLOTS UNTIL,

I DON'T KNOW, ELECTION DAY OR

MAYBE WHEN THE POLLS CLOSE

THAT MEANS YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE

STATES DEALING WITH PERHAPS

MILLIONS OF MAIL-IN BALLOTS.

HERE IS MY WORRY

WHAT POLLS SHOW, AND WHAT

STUDIES HAVE SHOWN IS THAT FOR

WHATEVER REASON, DEMOCRATS ARE

MORE LIKELY TO USE MAIL-IN

BALLOTS.

REPUBLICANS ARE MORE LIKELY TO

WALK INTO POLLING BOOTHS ON

ELECTION DAY

IT IS LIKELY THAT THE FIRST

VOTES THAT WILL BE COUNTED WILL

BE THOSE PEOPLE WHO CAME IN ON

ELECTION DAY, WHICH WILL BE

REPUBLICAN

AND HERE IS THE FEAR, AND I

HOPE EVERYBODY HEARS THIS.

IT COULD WELL BE, I DON'T KNOW

WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN, NOBODY

DOES

BUT IT COULD WELL BE AT

10:00 ON ELECTION NIGHT, TRUMP

IS WINNING IN MICHIGAN, HE'S

WINNING IN PENNSYLVANIA, HE'S

WINNING IN WISCONSIN, AND HE

GETS ON THE TELEVISION AND HE

SAYS THANK YOU, AMERICANS, FOR

RE-ELECTING ME

IT'S ALL OVER.

HAVE A GOOD DAY.

BUT THEN THE NEXT DAY AND THE

DAY FOLLOWING, ALL OF THOSE

MAIL-IN BALLOTS START GETTING

COUNTED AND IT TURNS OUT THAT

BIDEN HAS WON THOSE STATES

AT WHICH POINT TRUMP SAYS,

"SEE, I TOLD WHOLE THING WAS

FRAUDULENT

I TOLD YOU THOSE MAIL-IN

BALLOTS WERE CROOKED

AND I'VE GOT -- WE'RE NOT GOING

TO LEAVE OFFICE.

SO THAT IS A WORRY THAT I AND

A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE

SO THE RESULTS, YOU KNOW, WE

DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENED

MAYBE THE RESULTS WILL BE KNOWN

ON ELECTION NIGHT.

BUT PEOPLE SHOULD BE AWARE OF

THAT POSSIBILITY

>> Jimmy: I KNOW THAT YOU HAVE

BEEN WORKING WITH PEOPLE

RUNNING IN TEXAS

WHY IS TEXAS IMPORTANT

I FEEL LIKE A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE

HIGHLIGHTING TEXAS

>> I THINK THAT TEXAS MAY BE --

IN MANY WAYS, TEXAS IS THE

FUTURE OF PROGRESSIVE POLITICS

IN AMERICA

HISTORICALLY, BECAUSE THERE HAS

BEEN A LOT OF VOTER

SUPPRESSION.

TEXAS IS ONE OF THE STATES

WHERE THEIR REPUBLICAN STATE

GOVERNMENT HAS, FOR A LONG

TIME, TRIED TO MAKE IT AS

DIFFICULT AS POSSIBLE FOR

PEOPLE TO VOTE

BUT YOU HAVE FOLKS OVER THERE,

BETO O'ROURKE AND OTHERS ARE

DOING A GREAT JOB REGISTERING

PEOPLE, GETTING PEOPLE TO VOTE

THE BOTTOM LINE IS THAT IF

TEXAS BECOMES A BLUE STATE AND

A PROGRESSIVE STATE, AS I THINK

IT CAN, IT HAS A LOT OF YOUNG

PEOPLE

IT HAS A LOT OF LATINOS, A LOT

OF AFRICAN-AMERICANS

IT CAN BECOME A PROGRESSIVE

STATE.

AND IF THAT HAPPENS, AND IF

THOSE 38 ELECTORAL VOTES GO

DEMOCRATIC, THEN WE HAVE

CHANGED THE FACE OF AMERICAN

POLITICS

>> Jimmy: WOW.

I THINK THAT WOULD BE -- THAT

WOULD BE -- I MEAN, ARE PEOPLE

PREDICTING THAT?

OR THIS IS JUST YOUR PEOPLE?

>> THERE'S NO QUESTION THE

TREND IS WITH US

WHAT WE DON'T KNOW IS HOW IT

PLAYS OUT THIS ELECTION.

AND TO THOSE PEOPLE OUT THERE

WHO SAY, "OH, TEXAS IS A

A CONSERVATIVE STATE."

TRUST ME, IT IS NOT.

YOU HAVE SOME GREAT, GREAT

PROGRESSIVE CANDIDATES WHO ARE

RUNNING FOR OFFICE WHO STAND A

A GREAT CHANCE TO WIN, AND THE

FUTURE IS WITH PROGRESSIVE

POLITICS IN TEXAS.

>> Jimmy: IT WILL BE

INTERESTING TO WATCH WHAT

HAPPENS IN TEXAS

BERNIE SANDERS, THANK YOU SO

MUCH FOR COMING BACK TO MY

SHOW

AND GIVE MY BEST TO THE

GRANDKIDS.

I KNOW WE ALWAYS TALK ABOUT

THEM EVERY TIME YOU'RE ON.

YOU ALWAYS SMILE EVERY TIME I

BRING THEM UP.

BUT I APPRECIATE YOU COMING

BACK ON THE SHOW

IT MEANS A LOT TO ME, SO THANK

YOU.

SENATOR BERNIE SANDERS,

EVERYONE

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A

A PERFORMANCE FROM THE WAR ON

DRUGS.

STICK AROUND

♪

>> Jimmy: PERFORMING THEIR NEW

UNRELEASED SONG "OCEAN OF

DARKNESS," HERE IS THE WAR ON

DRUGS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

♪

FOR JUST YOU AND M

GOT CAUGHT IN A CROSSWIN

UNFORTUNATELY ♪

♪ I FEEL LIKE AN ORPHAN

PLEASE COMFORT M

I WAS BORN IN

ROLLING WAVE ♪

♪ THE SEA NEVER END

I WAS TIRED OF WAITING

PULLING THE ROPE

FEELING MISUNDERSTOOD ♪

♪ AND NOW FLOWING AWAY INTO

THESE OCEANS OF DARKNESS

COME PULLING ME BACK

FOR GOOD ♪

♪ OOOH YEAH ♪

♪

♪ NOW YOU'RE JUST A

POOR BOY

YOUR BLOOD RUSHE

THROUGH ME ♪

♪ ALONE IN THIS GREAT DIVID

TO LOVE AND UNDERSTANDIN

ONCE I WAS EIGHT YEARS OLD

I'D STARE AT THE CEILING ♪

♪ GET LOST IN A MEMOR

REMEMBER THE FEELING

I WAS TIRED OF WAITING

IN THE OLD ROAD♪

♪ FEELING MISUNDERSTOOD

AND NOW FLOATING AWAY INTO

THESE OCEANS OF DARKNESS

COME PULLING ME BACK ♪

♪ FOR GOO

OOOH YEAH ♪

♪

♪ I GOT CAUGHT IN THI

GREAT BIG WAVE

MY BLOOD RUSHE

THROUGH YOU ♪

♪ SOME MOMENTS AR

REAL MOONLIGHT

BEFORE THEY DESTROYED YO

I'M JUST A POOR OLD BOY ♪

♪ DROWNING AWAY

GOT CAUGHT I

THE CROSSFIR

UNFORTUNATELY ♪

♪ I WAS TIRED OF WAITIN

IN THE OLD ROA

FEELING MISUNDERSTOO

AND NOW FADING AWAY ♪

♪ INTO THESE OCEANS OF DARKNESS

COME PULLING ME BACK FOR GOO

YEAH ♪

♪ I'M TIRED OF WAITIN

MY LOVE OVERFLOWIN

THEY TOOK YOU FOR ALL THEY

COULD ♪

♪ AND NOW I'M FADING AWAY

INTO THESE

OCEANS OF DARKNESS

COMING PULLING ME BACK ♪

♪ FOR GOO

OOOH ♪

♪

♪ WOOO ♪

♪

♪ WOOO ♪

♪

♪ WOOO ♪

♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

>> Jimmy: THANK YOU TO THE WAR

ON DRUGS

STICK AROUND FOR MORE "TONIGHT

SHOW," EVERYBODY

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

♪

>> Jimmy: THANK YOU ALL FOR

WATCHING

STAY SAFE OUT THERE.

WASH YOUR HANDS.

DON'T TOUCH YOUR FACE.

STAY TUNED FOR "LATE NIGHT WITH

SETH MEYERS.

GOODNIGHT EVERYBODY.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

♪