Original subtitles

All right, all right, I'll talk.

Just make the pain stop.

Oh, shut up. I'm just trying to get the blood flowing.

- More like make me haemorrhage. - Don't tempt me.

Oh, God, you broke something.

Oh, too bad it wasn't your bloody pie hole.

There, we're done, you big baby.

What, already?

Oh, that felt great.

Oh, I feel like a new man.

- I love your new table. - Oh, you're sweet.

- Can I make you a sandwich? - Oh, that'd be great, yeah.

Oh, by the way, Daph,

you know, they're showing the first ever episode of Rockford today.

If you're really serious about becoming American citizen,

- maybe you ought to watch it. - Ah.

Well, now you've opened it.

- That's mail theft. - Nonsense.

- What's going on? - Nothing.

A piece of Cam Winston's mail found its way into our box.

Been happening since we switched boxes,

even after I gave the postman a stern lecture.

Especially after.

It was an honest mistake.

Cam and I are on all the same mailing lists.

I'm sure mine is in his box. Besides, it's nothing personal.

It's just an announcement for someplace

called La Porte D'Argent.

Probably just another froufrou restaurant

or froufrou clothing store.

No, no, no, this is not froufrou, Dad,

as evidenced by the manly scent of balsam.

They obviously deal with a very upscale clientele.

Oh, La Porte D' Argent'?

Someone at the racquet club was talking about this.

- It's very, very exclusive. - Yes?

That's all I know.

Some ill-mannered person started up his blow dryer

before I could hear any more.

- Hello. - Oh, Daphne, Daphne.

Did I get one of these in the mail today?

- No, I don't think so. - Poor Niles.

What's this about?

Oh, they're all worked up over some smelly invitation Frasier stole

to someplace they never heard of.

Oh.

But that's what's so intriguing,

there exists an exclusive place in Seattle

that neither of us knows about.

It could be an art gallery or a new haberdashery.

Or an Italian shoelace boutique.

- What's happening? - It's a machine.

It's asking me to enter my six-digit access code. What'll I do?

Why don't you just punch in whatever keys spell out "snobby"?

You know, it might be worth a try.

- Oh, denied. - Oh.

The allure of La Porte D'Argent has increased ten-fold.

Here's our plan.

Go to the university computer lab, bribe some hungry hacker.

And once they've tapped into their mainframe,

La Porte D'Argent will offer up her sweet secret

like a blushing bride on her wedding night.

Why don't you just go down there and ask them what they do?

All right, Dad, that's a plan B.

Hello. Uh.

- Is this La Porte D'Argent? - Yes, it is.

Ah, good.

Say, someone was asking me earlier today about La Porte D'Argent,

and I had a difficult time characterising it. Uh.

What would you tell him?

We try to discourage word-of-mouth.

That's exactly what I said.

So, oh, well, I'm here to take advantage of your offer.

- Sure. Can I have you name, please? - Yes. Frasier Crane.

I'm not finding you.

Try Dr. Frasier Crane.

Perhaps you've heard my popular radio show?

I'm not really a radio person.

I'm sorry, Dr. Crane, you're not on the list, I can't let you in.

- But I have an invitation. - But you're not on the list.

- Yes, but I do have an invitation. - But you aren't on the list.

Yes, well, if I were on the list, then I wouldn't need an invitation.

I would say I'm on the list, therefore, the invitation supersedes the list.

No, invitations are given out only to those on the list.

Aha.

But you do concede that I have a valid invitation?

- Yes. - It follows that I would be on the list.

But you're not.

Then how did I get the invitation?

I really don't know. You could have stolen it.

Are you accusing me of deception?

Cam. Cam Winston. Ha.

There you are.

Hello, Frasier.

While I was waiting for you, I decided to test the mettle of this man.

I'm pleased to report that he follows the rules

of La Porte D'Argent to the letter.

Anyway, I am a guest of Mr. Cam Winston's here.

Uh, he told me to meet him here, gave me the invitation and here I am.

Yes, I am Cam Winston, and he's my guest

and I asked him to meet me here. Oh.

Here you are, Mr. Winston.

Welcome to La Porte D'Argent.

- Thank you. - Hope you both enjoy your stay.

Take a moment to look over our services, and I'll be back in a moment.

Niles, it's a day spa.

Good gravy, this is fantastic.

Would you stop talking like that?

That's the worst impersonation of Cam Winston I've ever heard.

- Heard another? - Of course not.

Then it's the best.

Now you're stuck talking like that all day.

Here are your keys, gentlemen.

Your aestheticians will be with you shortly.

Thank you. Ahem.

Thank you. Good, I've been waiting for that all morning.

Oh, Niles.

The Ayurvedic massage sounds splendid.

"Two therapists at once using hot stones"

and a blend of essential oils personally created for your dosha.

I think I'll have aromatherapy Swedish.

Oh, Niles, look at this bounty.

Take a risk. Be a man.

"The Chardonnay Rosehip Salt Glow?"

Now that's more like it.

- Oh, lovely. - Hello there.

- Right this way. - Thank you.

Frasier, Frasier, river rocks and a stalk of wheat.

- Ooh. - Ooh.

I knew it was going to be good, but I had no idea it would be this good.

I feel like I've been rubbed by angels.

Niles, I just wish you had tried

the Wassertanzen aqua-therapy treatment.

I feel as if I've had a rebirthing experience.

I've never felt better in my life.

I'm so polished, my entire body is squeaking.

- Ah, hello. - How was everything?

- Heaven. - Oh, nirvana.

I'm so glad.

Now, this is a breakdown of your services.

Ah.

Mm. Oh.

- Nirvana ain't cheap, huh? - No.

Well, it's worth it, I suppose, ha, ha.

Do we make this a standing appointment?

- I think we owe it to ourselves. - Yes.

I'd be happy to set that up.

Now, I've also put together

a personal La Porte D' Argent product system for each of you

based on the recommendations of your aestheticians.

Oh, Niles, this smells great.

Try that.

The Mid-afternoon Anti-Stress Spritz.

Mm-hm.

I've never even heard of eyelash conditioner.

Ah.

Hence the brittle lashes.

Hey.

Isn't that Senator Ogden?

It is.

Oh, Niles, this just gets better and better.

Balanced skin and social advancement all in one setting.

I'm gonna go say hello.

I'm sorry.

That area is restricted to our gold-level members.

You have a gold level? How do you get in?

You'd have to be on the list.

Well, we are on the list.

The gold list.

This is absurd.

I mean, I am a member of every exclusive club in this entire town.

You must have a reciprocal membership with one of them.

I'm sorry, but you're more than welcome

to enjoy the many amenities of the silver level.

And just how are we supposed to enjoy this?

And this isn't working.

You never told me Rockford was Maverick.

Well, technically, he's not Maverick in this. He's Rockford.

Even though we all know he's secretly Maverick.

- I can see why you like this show. - Yeah.

What's not to like?

Solving crimes, pretty girls, car chases...

- Leisure suits. - Yeah.

Rockford's dad reminds me of you.

- What are you talking about? - Rockford's dad.

You're just like him. Cranky, but loveable.

The hell I am. I'm like Rockford.

- How'd you get that? - Well, come on.

He solves crimes, I solve crimes.

We're both in tune with the beat of the street.

He's the kind of guy that men wanna be

and woman wanna be with.

When this show first came out,

everybody used to say I was like Rockford.

I'm sorry, I don't see it. You still remind me of his dad.

Rocky? But he's old.

Oh, I see.

I didn't mean that.

I just meant there's something about him that reminds me of you.

Yeah, his oldness?

Oh, stop it.

If you wanna be Rockford, you can be Rockford, I don't care.

Fine. Then let's just watch it.

I don't wanna watch this anymore.

Congratulations. You've ruined Rockford for me.

I had a nagging feeling the whole time

they were holding something back on purpose.

Blended for your dosha indeed.

They wouldn't know my dosha if they fell over it.

So, what kind of a hoity-toity place did it end up being?

It was a hellhole.

The nerve to call it a day spa

when it's nothing more than a mere front for a bona fide luxury spa

which taunts those kept at bay outside its golden door.

If you didn't go in, how do you know it's better?

It had to be. The door was gold. Ours was only silver.

Gold is better than silver.

Stupid silver.

Well, you'll always be in my exclusive club, honey.

Oh, thanks. And that's all I need.

There must be somebody who can get us in.

- Let's go comb our Rolodexes. - Yes.

Yes, there has to be a way out of the slum

they call the Silver Room.

Why do I keep squeaking?

Hey, Frasier, wait till you see this.

It is so cool.

Really?

Well, I could use something to balm my wounds.

Painful as it is,

I've come to accept that I shall never pass through that spa's gold door.

- I was filing your new head shot. - Yes.

And I started looking through your old ones,

going back to when you first started.

Ooh.

What am I looking at?

Oh, it's like an animation of your hairline receding.

Isn't that great?

Okay, wait, now, here's the good part.

- Uh-huh. - It's growing back.

- Receding. - Yes, yes.

- Growing back. - Yes, all right, Roz, that's enough.

Oh, don't be so sensitive.

- Hi. - Hi.

Oh, Niles, no good news, I suppose.

I've had no luck getting us into the gold level.

Are you guys really this bent out of shape about that gold spa?

Yes.

Why can't you be happy with the silver?

- Because gold is better. - Bull.

The only reason why you wanna go there is because you can't.

We saw a senator going in.

A senator. We elected him, he works for us.

How is it fair that our employee is admitted

while we are shunted off to the icy depths of silver level?

It's a spa.

How much better could it be?

What, are they gonna carry you around like a sultan?

You gonna be massaged by supermodels?

And then what if you do get through the gold door?

What next? The diamond door?

And after that, a titanium door.

And after that, a plutonium door.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

Plutonium's radioactive. No one is going to make a door out of it.

Although Roz does make a point, Niles.

What kind of crazy fantasy are we chasing?

See? I'm right.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I was just imagining supermodels with that crook Senator Ogden.

It was Senator Ogden? I know him.

You do?

Yeah. He really owes me one too.

- You want me to give him a call? - Would you? Absolutely.

How do you know Senator Ogden?

Well, I knew him a few years ago when his marriage was on the rocks.

We kept it very hush-hush.

Thank God I knew CPR.

Rockford's on.

Not interested.

Oh, come on. It looks like a good one.

- Tom Selleck's in it. - Oh, those are good.

Not that I care.

You know, I caught a few episodes at home,

and I see the resemblance between you and a young Jim Rockford.

No, you don't.

Yes, I do.

No one gives him credit when he has a good idea.

He likes to drive a little too fast...

He's got my chin.

He knows how to work the system and babes love him.

Yes, they do.

So, what do you say?

Oh, okay, why not?

Ah, this is good.

Sorry I got so worked up.

Oh, you can't help it.

You've got principles like Rockford.

Okay, let's not lay it on too thick.

Oh, look at that.

Malibu, California.

FYI, those mountains you see in the background

are the same ones you see at the beginning of M*A*S*H.

Oh, I love M*A*S*H.

Whenever I watch it, I think of you.

Serving in Korea all those years ago, just like Colonel Potter.

That's it. Go home.

Why?

Colonel Potter was old when he did Dragnet.

Colonel Potter, that funny, young doctor

who used to mix martinis in his tent.

Oh, you're thinking of Hawkeye.

Yes, that's who I meant.

Okay.

I've taken you to the Relaxation Grotto.

We'll just let the wrap and your Orange Honey Butter mask soothe you

while you listen to the healing sounds of the Javanese rainforest, okay?

Okay.

Oh, excuse me.

- Frasier? Frasier, is that you? - Niles.

- Hi. - I just had a colour-therapy treatment.

My eyes haven't readjusted yet. Uh.

They sent me in here to relax.

I'm letting my Orange Honey Butter mask set.

- Roz was so wrong. - Ah.

Completely wrong. Ha, ha.

Oh, there, my eyes are better.

Oh, Niles.

You should see this place.

Be my eyes, Frasier.

Well, it's just paradise.

From the rare exotic orchids to the trompe l'oeil sky,

to the perfectly bubbled stream, to the...

To the what?

There's a platinum door.

Platinum?

- Are you sure? - Yes.

- Is it guarded? - No.

Just brazenly standing there.

Then rip the cucumbers from my eyes and let's go.

Right.

- Niles. - What?

- What are we doing? - Oh.

This is exactly what Roz said.

No, no, Roz said diamond door.

Oh, Niles, this is heaven, right here and now.

Why do we have to think about someplace else?

This is only heaven for the people who can't get into the real heaven,

the platinum heaven.

Niles, why can't we be happy?

Why must we allow the thought of something that at this point

can only be incrementally better ruin what is here and now?

I don't know.

Let's figure it out on the other side.

No, I am through chasing the eternal carrot.

Whatever is behind that door shall remain behind that door, unseen.

Then stay if you want.

I have to know.

Oh, for God's sake, you can't even walk, you ninny.

All right, all right, I will go just to take a peek.

I'm sorry, sir, you're not allowed through there.

Please remain in the Relaxation Grotto.

"Please remain in the Relaxation Grotto."

Have crueller words ever been spoken?

That's it. I am determined to see where they think I don't belong.

Take me with you.

Niles, ah, healing warmth and light.

It must be a magnificent solarium.

Goodbye, sweet and edible facials.

Hello, radiant, life-giving sun.

It's beautiful. It's beautiful.

Yes, this is where we belong.

Do you smell garbage?

Oh, dear, Niles, I don't think this is part of the spa.

Hello?

Hello? Anyone in the Relaxation Grotto?

Frasier? Look at all those bees.

Bees?

Niles, our sweet and edible facials.

Run.