All language subtitles for Frasier.S10E11.Door.Jam.720p.WEBRip.AAC2.0.H.264-HRiP

All right, all right, I'll talk.

Just make the pain stop.

Oh, shut up.
I'm just trying to get the blood flowing.

- More like make me haemorrhage.
- Don't tempt me.

Oh, God, you broke something.

Oh, too bad
it wasn't your bloody pie hole.

There, we're done, you big baby.

What, already?

Oh, that felt great.

Oh, I feel like a new man.

- I love your new table.
- Oh, you're sweet.

- Can I make you a sandwich?
- Oh, that'd be great, yeah.

Oh, by the way, Daph,

you know, they're showing the first
ever episode of Rockford today.

If you're really serious
about becoming American citizen,

- maybe you ought to watch it.
- Ah.

Well, now you've opened it.

- That's mail theft.
- Nonsense.

- What's going on?
- Nothing.

A piece of Cam Winston's mail
found its way into our box.

Been happening
since we switched boxes,

even after I gave the postman
a stern lecture.

Especially after.

It was an honest mistake.

Cam and I
are on all the same mailing lists.

I'm sure mine is in his box.
Besides, it's nothing personal.

It's just an announcement
for someplace

called La Porte D'Argent.

Probably just another
froufrou restaurant

or froufrou clothing store.

No, no, no,
this is not froufrou, Dad,

as evidenced
by the manly scent of balsam.

They obviously deal
with a very upscale clientele.

Oh, La Porte D' Argent'?

Someone at the racquet club
was talking about this.

- It's very, very exclusive.
- Yes?

That's all I know.

Some ill-mannered person
started up his blow dryer

before I could hear any more.

- Hello.
- Oh, Daphne, Daphne.

Did I get one of these
in the mail today?

- No, I don't think so.
- Poor Niles.

What's this about?

Oh, they're all worked up over
some smelly invitation Frasier stole

to someplace they never heard of.

Oh.

But that's what's so intriguing,

there exists
an exclusive place in Seattle

that neither of us knows about.

It could be an art gallery
or a new haberdashery.

Or an Italian shoelace boutique.

- What's happening?
- It's a machine.

It's asking me to enter
my six-digit access code. What'll I do?

Why don't you just punch in
whatever keys spell out "snobby"?

You know, it might be worth a try.

- Oh, denied.
- Oh.

The allure of La Porte D'Argent
has increased ten-fold.

Here's our plan.

Go to the university computer lab,
bribe some hungry hacker.

And once they've tapped
into their mainframe,

La Porte D'Argent
will offer up her sweet secret

like a blushing bride
on her wedding night.

Why don't you just go down there
and ask them what they do?

All right, Dad, that's a plan B.

Hello. Uh.

- Is this La Porte D'Argent?
- Yes, it is.

Ah, good.

Say, someone was asking me
earlier today about La Porte D'Argent,

and I had a difficult time
characterising it. Uh.

What would you tell him?

We try to discourage
word-of-mouth.

That's exactly what I said.

So, oh, well, I'm here
to take advantage of your offer.

- Sure. Can I have you name, please?
- Yes. Frasier Crane.

I'm not finding you.

Try Dr. Frasier Crane.

Perhaps you've heard
my popular radio show?

I'm not really a radio person.

I'm sorry, Dr. Crane,
you're not on the list, I can't let you in.

- But I have an invitation.
- But you're not on the list.

- Yes, but I do have an invitation.
- But you aren't on the list.

Yes, well, if I were on the list,
then I wouldn't need an invitation.

I would say I'm on the list, therefore,
the invitation supersedes the list.

No, invitations are given out
only to those on the list.

Aha.

But you do concede
that I have a valid invitation?

- Yes.
- It follows that I would be on the list.

But you're not.

Then how did I get the invitation?

I really don't know.
You could have stolen it.

Are you accusing me of deception?

Cam. Cam Winston. Ha.

There you are.

Hello, Frasier.

While I was waiting for you,
I decided to test the mettle of this man.

I'm pleased to report
that he follows the rules

of La Porte D'Argent to the letter.

Anyway, I am a guest
of Mr. Cam Winston's here.

Uh, he told me to meet him here,
gave me the invitation and here I am.

Yes, I am Cam Winston,
and he's my guest

and I asked him
to meet me here. Oh.

Here you are, Mr. Winston.

Welcome to La Porte D'Argent.

- Thank you.
- Hope you both enjoy your stay.

Take a moment to look over our
services, and I'll be back in a moment.

Niles, it's a day spa.

Good gravy, this is fantastic.

Would you stop talking like that?

That's the worst impersonation
of Cam Winston I've ever heard.

- Heard another?
- Of course not.

Then it's the best.

Now you're stuck
talking like that all day.

Here are your keys, gentlemen.

Your aestheticians
will be with you shortly.

Thank you. Ahem.

Thank you. Good,
I've been waiting for that all morning.

Oh, Niles.

The Ayurvedic massage
sounds splendid.

"Two therapists at once
using hot stones"

and a blend of essential oils
personally created for your dosha.

I think I'll have
aromatherapy Swedish.

Oh, Niles, look at this bounty.

Take a risk. Be a man.

"The Chardonnay Rosehip
Salt Glow?"

Now that's more like it.

- Oh, lovely.
- Hello there.

- Right this way.
- Thank you.

Frasier, Frasier,
river rocks and a stalk of wheat.

- Ooh.
- Ooh.

I knew it was going to be good,
but I had no idea it would be this good.

I feel like I've been rubbed
by angels.

Niles, I just wish you had tried

the Wassertanzen
aqua-therapy treatment.

I feel as if I've had
a rebirthing experience.

I've never felt better in my life.

I'm so polished,
my entire body is squeaking.

- Ah, hello.
- How was everything?

- Heaven.
- Oh, nirvana.

I'm so glad.

Now, this is a breakdown
of your services.

Ah.

Mm. Oh.

- Nirvana ain't cheap, huh?
- No.

Well, it's worth it, I suppose, ha, ha.

Do we make this
a standing appointment?

- I think we owe it to ourselves.
- Yes.

I'd be happy to set that up.

Now, I've also put together

a personal La Porte D' Argent
product system for each of you

based on the recommendations
of your aestheticians.

Oh, Niles, this smells great.

Try that.

The Mid-afternoon
Anti-Stress Spritz.

Mm-hm.

I've never even heard
of eyelash conditioner.

Ah.

Hence the brittle lashes.

Hey.

Isn't that Senator Ogden?

It is.

Oh, Niles,
this just gets better and better.

Balanced skin and social advancement
all in one setting.

I'm gonna go say hello.

I'm sorry.

That area is restricted
to our gold-level members.

You have a gold level?
How do you get in?

You'd have to be on the list.

Well, we are on the list.

The gold list.

This is absurd.

I mean, I am a member of every
exclusive club in this entire town.

You must have a reciprocal
membership with one of them.

I'm sorry,
but you're more than welcome

to enjoy the many amenities
of the silver level.

And just how are we supposed
to enjoy this?

And this isn't working.

You never told me
Rockford was Maverick.

Well, technically, he's not Maverick
in this. He's Rockford.

Even though we all know
he's secretly Maverick.

- I can see why you like this show.
- Yeah.

What's not to like?

Solving crimes, pretty girls,
car chases...

- Leisure suits.
- Yeah.

Rockford's dad reminds me of you.

- What are you talking about?
- Rockford's dad.

You're just like him.
Cranky, but loveable.

The hell I am. I'm like Rockford.

- How'd you get that?
- Well, come on.

He solves crimes, I solve crimes.

We're both in tune
with the beat of the street.

He's the kind of guy
that men wanna be

and woman wanna be with.

When this show first came out,

everybody used to say
I was like Rockford.

I'm sorry, I don't see it.
You still remind me of his dad.

Rocky? But he's old.

Oh, I see.

I didn't mean that.

I just meant there's something
about him that reminds me of you.

Yeah, his oldness?

Oh, stop it.

If you wanna be Rockford,
you can be Rockford, I don't care.

Fine. Then let's just watch it.

I don't wanna watch this anymore.

Congratulations.
You've ruined Rockford for me.

I had a nagging feeling
the whole time

they were holding something
back on purpose.

Blended for your dosha indeed.

They wouldn't know my dosha
if they fell over it.

So, what kind of a hoity-toity place
did it end up being?

It was a hellhole.

The nerve to call it a day spa

when it's nothing more than
a mere front for a bona fide luxury spa

which taunts those kept at bay
outside its golden door.

If you didn't go in,
how do you know it's better?

It had to be. The door was gold.
Ours was only silver.

Gold is better than silver.

Stupid silver.

Well, you'll always be
in my exclusive club, honey.

Oh, thanks. And that's all I need.

There must be somebody
who can get us in.

- Let's go comb our Rolodexes.
- Yes.

Yes, there has to be a way
out of the slum

they call the Silver Room.

Why do I keep squeaking?

Hey, Frasier, wait till you see this.

It is so cool.

Really?

Well, I could use something
to balm my wounds.

Painful as it is,

I've come to accept that I shall never
pass through that spa's gold door.

- I was filing your new head shot.
- Yes.

And I started looking
through your old ones,

going back
to when you first started.

Ooh.

What am I looking at?

Oh, it's like an animation
of your hairline receding.

Isn't that great?

Okay, wait, now,
here's the good part.

- Uh-huh.
- It's growing back.

- Receding.
- Yes, yes.

- Growing back.
- Yes, all right, Roz, that's enough.

Oh, don't be so sensitive.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Oh, Niles, no good news, I suppose.

I've had no luck getting us
into the gold level.

Are you guys really this bent out
of shape about that gold spa?

Yes.

Why can't you be happy
with the silver?

- Because gold is better.
- Bull.

The only reason why you wanna
go there is because you can't.

We saw a senator going in.

A senator.
We elected him, he works for us.

How is it fair that our employee
is admitted

while we are shunted off
to the icy depths of silver level?

It's a spa.

How much better could it be?

What, are they gonna
carry you around like a sultan?

You gonna be massaged
by supermodels?

And then what if you do get
through the gold door?

What next? The diamond door?

And after that, a titanium door.

And after that, a plutonium door.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

Plutonium's radioactive. No one
is going to make a door out of it.

Although Roz
does make a point, Niles.

What kind of crazy fantasy
are we chasing?

See? I'm right.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I was just imagining supermodels
with that crook Senator Ogden.

It was Senator Ogden? I know him.

You do?

Yeah. He really owes me one too.

- You want me to give him a call?
- Would you? Absolutely.

How do you know Senator Ogden?

Well, I knew him a few years ago
when his marriage was on the rocks.

We kept it very hush-hush.

Thank God I knew CPR.

Rockford's on.

Not interested.

Oh, come on.
It looks like a good one.

- Tom Selleck's in it.
- Oh, those are good.

Not that I care.

You know,
I caught a few episodes at home,

and I see the resemblance between
you and a young Jim Rockford.

No, you don't.

Yes, I do.

No one gives him credit
when he has a good idea.

He likes to drive a little too fast...

He's got my chin.

He knows how to work the system
and babes love him.

Yes, they do.

So, what do you say?

Oh, okay, why not?

Ah, this is good.

Sorry I got so worked up.

Oh, you can't help it.

You've got principles like Rockford.

Okay, let's not lay it on too thick.

Oh, look at that.

Malibu, California.

FYI, those mountains you see
in the background

are the same ones you see
at the beginning of M*A*S*H.

Oh, I love M*A*S*H.

Whenever I watch it, I think of you.

Serving in Korea all those years ago,
just like Colonel Potter.

That's it. Go home.

Why?

Colonel Potter was old
when he did Dragnet.

Colonel Potter,
that funny, young doctor

who used to mix martinis in his tent.

Oh, you're thinking of Hawkeye.

Yes, that's who I meant.

Okay.

I've taken you
to the Relaxation Grotto.

We'll just let the wrap and your Orange
Honey Butter mask soothe you

while you listen to the healing sounds
of the Javanese rainforest, okay?

Okay.

Oh, excuse me.

- Frasier? Frasier, is that you?
- Niles.

- Hi.
- I just had a colour-therapy treatment.

My eyes haven't readjusted yet. Uh.

They sent me in here to relax.

I'm letting
my Orange Honey Butter mask set.

- Roz was so wrong.
- Ah.

Completely wrong. Ha, ha.

Oh, there, my eyes are better.

Oh, Niles.

You should see this place.

Be my eyes, Frasier.

Well, it's just paradise.

From the rare exotic orchids
to the trompe l'oeil sky,

to the perfectly bubbled stream,
to the...

To the what?

There's a platinum door.

Platinum?

- Are you sure?
- Yes.

- Is it guarded?
- No.

Just brazenly standing there.

Then rip the cucumbers
from my eyes and let's go.

Right.

- Niles.
- What?

- What are we doing?
- Oh.

This is exactly what Roz said.

No, no, Roz said diamond door.

Oh, Niles, this is heaven,
right here and now.

Why do we have to think
about someplace else?

This is only heaven for the people
who can't get into the real heaven,

the platinum heaven.

Niles, why can't we be happy?

Why must we allow the thought
of something that at this point

can only be incrementally better
ruin what is here and now?

I don't know.

Let's figure it out on the other side.

No, I am through chasing
the eternal carrot.

Whatever is behind that door
shall remain behind that door, unseen.

Then stay if you want.

I have to know.

Oh, for God's sake,
you can't even walk, you ninny.

All right, all right,
I will go just to take a peek.

I'm sorry, sir,
you're not allowed through there.

Please remain
in the Relaxation Grotto.

"Please remain
in the Relaxation Grotto."

Have crueller words
ever been spoken?

That's it. I am determined to see
where they think I don't belong.

Take me with you.

Niles, ah, healing warmth and light.

It must be a magnificent solarium.

Goodbye, sweet and edible facials.

Hello, radiant, life-giving sun.

It's beautiful. It's beautiful.

Yes, this is where we belong.

Do you smell garbage?

Oh, dear, Niles,
I don't think this is part of the spa.

Hello?

Hello?
Anyone in the Relaxation Grotto?

Frasier? Look at all those bees.

Bees?

Niles, our sweet and edible facials.

Run.