Original subtitles

Oh, this one's from your mom.

A kitten in a basket of yarn.

"Dear Niles, I know we haven't always gotten along."

Isn't that sweet?

Hey, Niles, look what I found in the parking lot.

Hi, Niles. It's good to see you.

- How's he doing? - The doctor says he's just great.

Well, he looks just great.

Why is he so pale?

He's always this pale.

I'll take those.

Well, Niles, you've got quite an impressive array of flowers here, uh.

Oh, dear Lord.

Who sent mums?

Those are from Jaime, our squash valet.

Really?

You know, when I had the flu, Jaime didn't send me so much as a card.

You didn't have the flu. You barely had the sniffles.

I almost threw up.

Who knows, mums might've been just the thing to cheer me up.

Guess we'll never know now, will we?

I'm so sorry you have to go through all this, Niles.

- Well, I'm pretty used to him by now. - No, ha, ha, I'm talk...

Oh, right, the... Mm. Yes. Well, thank you.

Who knew all those years of foie gras and Brie

would finally catch up with me?

Frasier, you might want to get yourself checked out.

You eat a lot of that stuff too.

Well, yes, but I also drink a lot of red wine.

Niles, you'll be happy to know that your prognosis is excellent.

I have done some research.

I have detailed the procedure

and made copies for each of you. Here we are.

I also took the liberty of checking out your surgeon.

It's a fine choice. True,

he did have a few brushes with the law as an undergrad,

and I think you all know how I feel about Tulane's medical school.

- Oh, yeah. - Yes.

But on the bright side, he has been extensively published,

and his reputation is stellar.

Now, if you'll all please turn to page 17 in your handouts...

- You know, where is Dad? - He stepped outside for some coffee.

Oh, I specifically used layman's terms for his benefit.

Oh, all right.

How's he handling all this?

He's positively chirpy.

- In other words, he's terrified. - Yes.

When we were kids, whenever one of us was sick or hurt,

Dad would try to keep us from worrying

by pretending the problem didn't even exist.

Nonchalance was his coping mechanism.

Things always turned out all right, though.

They will this time too.

How are you holding up?

Well, you know.

You know what?

I think you should think of something really cool to do when all this is over.

Like a big trip.

That way, you can have something good to focus on.

I can't think about that right now.

What the hey, you still in bed? It's 9 in the morning.

Up and at them, lazy bones.

Hello, I'm your anaesthesiologist, Dr. Ling.

- Hello. - How are you feeling?

Aw, don't let this faker fool you. He's just trying to get out of work.

If you're feeling anxious, I can give you a mild sedative.

- No, thanks. - Are you sure, Niles?

Dr. Ling went to Duke.

Can you get the...?

Hello?

- Uh, can I ask who's calling? - Dad.

Just a minute, please.

It's Maris. Do you want me to make up an excuse?

Uh, no. That's okay, I'll talk to her.

Thank you.

Hello?

Well, yes. Uh, how'd you hear?

Ah.

Jaime is a bit of a gossip.

Luckily, they discovered the blockage before I had a major event.

Well, thank you.

That wasn't the nurse. That was my wife.

Yes, Daphne.

We were married a couple of months ago.

No. Well, uh, it's not really my fault you didn't know.

Uh, it sounds to me like your argument is with Jaime.

Well, if it makes you feel any better, we didn't invite anyone. Dr. Ling...

Give me drugs.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Well, yes, of course we invited him, he... He's my brother.

Yes. Uh, Williams-Sonoma and Tiffany's.

Keep it coming. Thank you.

Now, in just a few moments, we'll be ready to wheel you down to the OR.

He'll receive general anaesthesia once he's on the operating table.

Now, if you'd like to follow along in your handouts,

I could take you through the first steps of the procedure.

The doctor explained everything to us yesterday.

Yes, but did he have a mnemonic verse

that goes along to the tune of "Camptown Races"?

- Hello. - Ah.

Dr. Shaffer, I was just explaining my brother's procedure to my family.

I'll hand the floor over to you.

- Thank you... - Frasier. Dr. Crane.

Oh, great.

Well, once you're under, we'll begin by inserting some tubes

to monitor your blood pressure.

Then, while one team harvests the saphenous vein from your right leg,

I'll be opening up your chest.

Excuse me, uh, if I may.

Uh, wouldn't a MIDCAB be less invasive?

I have done some research into the matter,

and, uh, I believe that is the prevailing methodology.

You may have read about that in Reader's Digest,

but a MIDCAB is only appropriate for limited blockages.

My source is not Reader's Digest.

It is a Harvard colleague.

Harvard being my alma mater.

Harvard.

Now, if I'm not mistaken, the blockage is in the left anterior descending artery.

And the right coronary. Look, in my expert opinion,

I'm doing what's best for this patient.

And my expert opinion says otherwise.

If you're an expert, maybe you should perform the surgery.

- Maybe I should. - Dad.

Frasier, you're not operating on your brother.

Suit yourself.

Maybe it would be best if everyone stepped out

while Dr. Shaffer talks to the patient.

Mrs. Crane, you're welcome to stay.

Niles, I'll see you before they wheel you in.

Well, I'll tell you one thing about that Dr. Shaffer's people skills:

- I am not a fan. - Well, will you leave it alone?

You're being a big pain.

Yes. Well, I happen to know a thing or...

A thing or two about bypass surgery. He was totally condescending to me.

He was just trying to let you know who's in charge.

I'm sure at the first sign of trouble, he'll run right out here

to consult with you.

This is so weird.

I mean, 24 hours ago, we didn't even know anything was wrong with Niles.

Just goes to show you can't take a second for granted.

Sure can't.

Can't take people for granted either.

- You just never know. - It's true.

You should always tell the people you love

just how much they mean to you.

Well, I hope you guys know how much I care about you.

Oh, gee, sure we do. And we care about you too.

Yeah, of course, Roz. You're like family.

And, Dad, I hope you know I love you, even at your most difficult.

Well, I love you too, son, even when you treat me like a child.

Frasier bosses everyone. It's just his way.

Perhaps if people behaved more competently, I wouldn't be so bossy.

Maybe you wouldn't be so bossy if you didn't focus

on how everybody behaves.

- That'd be the clay. - Human behaviour is my profession.

Well, you can take a day off once in a while.

- No kidding. - Who asked you, Roz?

Niles is going off to surgery soon. Come and wish him well.

You know, we really should tell her how much she means to us too.

How are you feeling?

A little woozy.

Maybe I should lie down.

Oh, now, Daphne.

You know all the important papers are in my top left-hand drawer...

Let's not talk about that right now. You just relax.

Okay, Daphne.

You know, Daphne, they do these procedures hundreds of times.

- I know. - Okay, it's practically routine, Daphne.

Why do you keep saying my name?

I just want to say it as many times as I can.

Daphne.

What? Still in bed?

Will you look at this goldbrick?

Well, if you're gonna be loafing around all day,

you might as well have something to read.

I know how you love your Archies.

Thanks, Dad.

Oh, a Jughead Double Digest.

I'll be here waiting for you.

I love you, son.

I love you too.

Frasier, I have a confession to make.

Remember when we were kids, and I was wearing your opera cape,

and you pushed me down the stairs?

Yes.

You didn't push me.

I jumped.

I was trying to fly like a Valkyrie.

It's not important right now.

The important thing is that you get well, all right?

Dr. Crane, Mrs. Crane, it's that time.

Okay, we're gonna need you to slide over.

Boy, a hospital is an interesting place, isn't it?

How so, Niles?

Oh, all roads lead to the hospital.

We're born here, we get sick here, we get well here.

All these big dramatic moments, and the hospital just gobbles them up.

Yeah.

Do you think a hospital has memories?

I bet it does.

I bet when I walked in, it thought:

"Oh, you again."

You're the little boy who broke his leg in 1966.

"Hello, old friend."

Wow, a talking hospital.

That would be cool.

Oh, when are these drugs gonna kick in? I don't know why I need surgery.

- This is the best that I felt... - Easy, oh, easy, easy.

Daphne, Daphne, Daphne...

Okay, you ready to take a little trip?

I think he already is. Ha, ha.

Can I just have a second?

Of course.

I'll be here when you wake up.

- Promise. - I promise.

What do you mean you don't like Archie? It's a riot.

You got your Jughead, your Reggie, your Mr. Weatherbee.

Please stop crying, Maris. The doctor can always cut off more next time.

I'll be here when you wake up.

- Promise? - Promise.

How come these places never have any magazines for men?

It's all hairdos and recipes and butt exercises.

I was just thinking about what Niles said about the hospital,

and the things that happen here.

Oh, geez, would you look at this?

"Ten saucy secrets to please him in bed."

You know damn well there are only four.

The rest are just do-si-dos.

It's like the whole tapestry of life keeps replaying itself

within these walls.

I used to bust people for that one.

You didn't hear a word I said, did you?

Yeah, I did. Hospital, tapestry of life...

Whoa.

That's a nice kitchen.

You're a sentimental fool, Dad.

Well, here he is.

Frasier, say hello to your new brother.

I don't like him.

Remember when you were little, and you convinced Niles

that we were all figments of his imagination,

and the whole world was just in his mind?

Ha, ha. I told him we disappeared whenever he left the room.

Yeah.

For months afterwards, he was always darting into rooms

to make sure we were all still there.

Scared the crap out of me. I was ready to kill you.

What made you think of that?

I don't know. Just thinking about Niles.

Well, he must be all right. We're all still here. Heh.

I don't think I've ever been this frightened in my whole life.

Well, Daph, according to my timetable,

Niles is probably off the bypass pump by now.

All the blockages have been bypassed,

and the myocardium is now receiving normal blood.

How come you know all this, but you're stumped by an electric barbecue fork?

Because the human heart was not designed by some idiot in Japan.

You know, Frasier, maybe now's not the perfect time to go into detail.

- It's all right, Roz. - You see, she knows.

Knowledge is our ally against anxiety.

Which happens to be the theme for today's Best of Crane,

which is being broadcast over the airwaves right this moment.

Oh, yeah, they're piping it into the operating room

instead of using anaesthesia.

Very funny, Roz.

Oh, I hope the doctors have their earplugs in

so they don't fall asleep too.

Yes. All right, we get it.

Seriously, if I ever gonna rob a bank, and I wanted to knock out the guards...

Yes. All right, Roz.

Hey, is that a Chunky in there?

Looks like one.

Been a long time since I've seen one of those.

What are they asking for it?

- Looks like it's 85 cents. - Oh.

Does it only take the exact change?

- Looks like there's a dollar slot. - Oh.

Well, all I have is a 10.

Will it take a 10?

Why don't you get off your ass and look?

- They usually just take singles. - Oh. Anybody have a single?

How can you think about eating now?

What would you rather have me thinking about?

- I'll get you some change. - Oh, thanks, Roz.

Sitting way too long, anyway.

Excuse me. Colleen?

Do you have any ones?

I think so. Let me check.

- Thanks. - Excuse me.

- Can I help you? - Yes.

There's something wrong with my baby.

She has a little rash on her cheek.

I looked in the book, and I don't think it's chickenpox.

But it does look a little like scarlet fever.

- Is this your first child? - Yes, why?

I think this is lipstick.

- Would a 5 help? - No, I'm afraid I need ones.

Oh, thank God.

Oh, look at that.

- It's probably how it happened. - Yeah.

Thank you.

Colleen. I won't forget you.

I'm sorry. All I got are 5's.

Oh, thanks anyway.

- Do I know you? - I don't think so.

Are you sure?

Trust me. I'm really good with faces. Thanks.

- Mrs. Crane? - Yes.

Your husband's doing well.

He's off the pump, his heart's beating on its own.

- His blood pressure? - One hundred over 60.

Oh, could be better.

Did you thoroughly suction the cardioplegic solution?

You see, I'm a doctor.

Oh, yes. Dr. Shaffer told me about you.

He said if you started asking me questions, I should do this:

Oh, I get it. Very nice.

- Well, that's good news, right? - Oh, yeah, great.

- They didn't have any change. - Oh, shoot.

- What you reading, Daph? - I have no idea.

I must've read the same paragraph ten times.

I don't know how you're getting through this.

Well, it's not like the old days, when heart surgery was a big thing.

Nowadays, they do it so much, it's like going in for a haircut.

You read the paper and wait till he's done.

But aren't you scared?

Uh, I wonder if that guy has a dollar. I bet he does.

Excuse me a minute.

Oh, no.

What, Daph?

- I don't believe this. Excuse me. - What?

I was supposed to bring Niles' cell phone

in case any of his patients called so I could refer them to Dr. Wells.

Now I'm gonna be calling his stupid cell phone

every two minutes to check his mailbox.

Here. Let's use my cell phone, all right?

We can take turns calling.

He asked me to do this one simple thing, and I forgot.

- I'm such an idiot. - Now, don't go beating yourself up.

You didn't do anything wrong. Come on.

- Thanks. - I'll dial first.

Now, look, Niles. As far as Dad knows,

I had nothing to do with your leg breaking, right?

- You pushed me. - Yes.

And in exchange for your silence, you'll get ten of my records.

- Any ones you want. - Even the Shostakovich?

- Not that one. - Then forget it.

Okay, fine.

Sign here and initial here.

You still in bed, Mr. Lazybones?

Well, if you're gonna lie around all day, I got you something to read.

- The Charterhouse of Parma? - Better.

Archie.

Well, hello, Chunky.

I beg your pardon?

- Got some change. - Congratulations.

Hey, is that a Marathon bar?

Oh, jeez, now I don't know what to get.

Go with your first instinct, Dad.

But I haven't had a Marathon bar in years.

All right. Then get a Marathon bar.

Come to think of it. I think they quit making Marathons back in the '80s.

- Then you should get a Chunky. - Uh.

Uh, although I wanna get a Marathon bar just to see what it looks like inside.

All right, all right. Just get the Chunky.

All right.

- Hey. - What?

It's stuck.

Oh, great. You had to have a Chunky.

Oh, fine. All right, I'll get it.

- What is going on? - We have a stuck Chunky.

Well, why did Chunky stick his arm in there?

Oh, that's very funny, Roz. Not me, the candy.

Oh, I give up.

Don't worry, Martin. I'll stop by tomorrow and get us some Godiva.

But I want my Chunky.

Excuse me.

Chunky, was it?

Oh. Oh, Daphne, it's okay. It's okay.

Everything's gonna be fine.

Do I need to call security here?

No, it's all right. I'm sorry about this.

It's kind of a tough time.

Keep this area clear until I can get it cleaned up.

Right. And we'll pay for this.

And I already paid for this.

Daphne, I know you're in hell right now,

but in just about 20 minutes comes the disconnecting

of the ventilator and the extubation.

You can see it all in the diagram on page 24-C.

He's not a diagram. He's my husband.

And he's on a table with his chest cut open.

I'm sorry if I can't handle this as well as the rest of you.

But I'm terrified.

Daphne, it's okay. Just calm down.

When all this is over, we're just gonna...

There is no "when this is over."

There's no tomorrow, no next week, no next year.

There's nothing until he comes out of there, and I know he's okay.

- Daphne. - Why don't you sit down, son?

Nobody meant anything.

It's hard as hell for all of us to be here.

I know.

It's just...

I hate hospitals. I hate them.

I hate all of this.

I know.

I'm afraid your wife's x-rays don't look good.

Waiting is the hardest part.

Niles.

You did great.

The doctor said it went even better than he expected.

I'm so proud of you.

He'll be out all night.

Why don't you get something to eat?

I'll be here when you wake up.

Hey, say hello to your new sister.

Look, she's smiling at you.