Original subtitles

I suppose you looked in the classifieds under "housekeepers."

- Check. Check. - You asked people in building.

And you called the employment agencies.

- Again, check. - I heard you the first time.

Who thought it would be so hard to get someone to clean your house?

Well, over the years, Daphne has managed to scour her way

into our hearts, so to speak.

I just don't wanna hire somebody who's in it for only the money.

So you wanna find someone who's in it for the joy of cleaning?

- May I? - Of course, Gil.

- Take a load off. - Oh, nice outfit, Roz.

Somehow you and a peasant blouse just go together.

Thanks.

Haven't worn it for years.

And how long can something stay in the closet?

Say, uh, Gil, um, are you pleased with your housekeeper?

Oh, you mean Chung? Oh, yes, he's marvellous.

- Hmm. - He's efficient, he's dependable,

and he still hasn't figured out American money.

Between you and me, I told him

when they made Lincoln's picture bigger, it was worth more.

Very funny.

Do you suppose that your man Friday might be available

on a Monday or Tuesday?

- You want to steal my Chung? - No, no.

Not steal him.

Just borrow him for a day or two a week until I can restaff.

Oh, a dangerous notion, Frasier.

You know how employees gossip about their benefactors.

Oh, I have nothing to hide.

Yes, but suppose while on your premises,

he lets something slip about me and Deb

and our heart-shaped bed.

I would refuse to believe him.

- Did I mention he's a drug mule? - Oh, he is not.

You're saying that because you don't wanna help me.

Such insight. It's a pity more people don't listen to your show.

Thank you for coming, Mrs. Brookins.

Of course, we have several other candidates to interview.

But I'll be sure to let you know by the 12th...

Of never.

I'm beginning to wonder if we'll ever find anyone that meets our standards.

Well, you're being too picky.

It's just housekeeping, not rocket science.

I beg to differ.

You don't even know half of what I used to do around here.

Like dusting the plant leaves, or rotating your underwear.

Excuse me?

Every month, I used to throw out your oldest pair,

and put in two new pairs.

Did it ever occur to you that you never had to buy underwear in ten years?

I thought I got hold of a good batch.

Well, let's see. Who is our frontrunner thus far?

Uh, I don't know. They're all the same to me.

Honestly, you know, I am starting to get the slightest bit chapped

with your attitude.

You haven't even graded any of the candidates.

You have simply doodled a war plane dropping bombs on a soldier.

That's not a soldier.

Well, then, why is he wearing a helmet?

That's not a helmet. It's someone with a big head.

- Yes? - Hi, I'm Trish Haney.

I'm here about the housekeeper job. I'm really sorry I'm late.

Well, I had you down for over an hour ago.

I know. I got stuck in line to buy tickets for the Sonics game this weekend.

- Well... - Really? Come on in.

I should've guessed everyone and his brother would wanna see Vince Carter.

Not everybody, or his brother.

Wow, this is a beautiful place.

- Here's my resume. - Oh, thank you.

Won't you be seated?

I'm Dr. Frasier Crane, this is my father, Martin Crane,

and my sister-in-law, Daphne Crane.

Now, I'll get right to the interview.

First question:

What is the best way to combat rings on a wooden table?

Um, I've heard you can rub mayonnaise on it.

The best way is to provide coasters.

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

- Started me out with a trick question. - Yeah, right.

How do you think the Sonics will defend Carter?

You have someone body up on him,

and double-team when he gets the ball.

Thank you.

Trish, if the washing machine

has a 25-minute cycle, and the dryer has a 40-minute cycle,

what time does the second load have to go in the washer to be dry by 5:00?

Um, well, that's 65 minutes. So 3:55.

You may want to take time to think about...

Daphne, she's right.

Well done.

Hey, I got a question. Can you clean a house?

Yes. And if I do say so myself, I'm pretty good. Ha, ha.

Next question. Can you start Monday?

You know, we're getting just a bit ahead of ourselves.

We still have several people to meet.

Uh, thank you for coming by.

Oh, sure, that was the interview? Two questions.

It was more of a pre-screening. We'll let you know.

Okay, thanks.

Just so you know, I'll be out of town until the 1st.

Fine. Then I'll be sure to call you the second...

I lose my mind.

What? What was wrong with her?

In the first place, she showed up late.

If she doesn't take the interview seriously,

how can we expect her to take the job seriously?

You don't like her because she's not stuffy.

She did seem a bit cheeky.

Which you never were.

Well, I'm afraid so far, our best candidate

is the young man from Jeepers Sweepers.

I will move out if you hire that prancing moron.

All right, fine. Who would you hire?

This Trish, I suppose.

Well, I was right about Daphne. Doesn't that count for anything?

You didn't even wanna hire her. You thought she might steal.

- Did you really say that? - Of course not.

I don't remember.

Whoever gets hired is someone I'm gonna have to spend a lot of time with.

And I don't need a lot of quiz questions and score sheets

to get a feel for someone's character.

Did I look like a thief? Was it my shifty eyes?

If you don't trust my judgement, just have the guts to say so.

No, all right, fine. You can hire whoever you want to.

You want this Trish? Fine, call her.

Right. I'll call her right now, and tell her she's hired.

And I'll tell her where you keep your valuables.

Would you give it a rest?

Niles.

- Have a seat. - Thank you.

Uh, I'll have my usual.

Oh, no. Uh, bottled water, room temperature.

Hey, slow down, little man. What are we celebrating?

I can't drink anything that's too hot. I have a toothache.

Oh. Have you been to the dentist?

Yes. But he said the tooth is perfectly healthy.

But I have this throbbing pain. Think I may have to go to a doctor.

Oh, it's probably just a sinus infection. Have you had a cold lately?

A couple of weeks ago, yes, but I'm over it.

That's probably what it is, a sinus infection.

It happens to me all the time.

All likelihood, I'm sure you're right. Thank you.

Of course, I'm right. What else could it be?

Actually, a toothache can be referred pain from something else.

- "Referred pain"? - That's right.

Example, if I had a heart condition, I might not have pain in my chest.

I might have pain in my tooth. You see, referred pain.

So while you're probably right about the sinus infection,

let's not discount the one in 10,000 chance

that it might be something more serious.

Oh, now I get it.

So the pain in my butt might actually be coming

from across the table.

Something like that, yes.

Oh, look. I'm the winner of a fanny pack.

- Congratulations. - Thank you.

- You have no idea what it is, do you? - Uh, not really, no.

Hey, look. It says here, the odds of winning it are one in 10,000.

Ooh, spooky--

Same odds as that toothache being a heart attack.

- Maybe it's a sign. - It's a good sign.

By beating those odds once, it makes it that much more unlikely

that something so improbable can happen to me again.

Niles.

Hello, Daphne.

Okay, that's weird.

So that's the grand tour.

Hard to know where to start.

I don't have much time before I have to go.

What? You leaving already?

Yeah. Um, I have this lunch thing.

I hope you don't mind.

The problem is this friend that I've been putting off

because I've been too busy. But I finally don't have any excuse.

We're gonna try new rib place in Belltown.

Oh, I hear that's great.

Yeah. I can bring you back a great big bag of them. Ha, ha.

But enough chitchat. I've got dishes to do.

Yeah. Oh, hold on.

- Can I offer a suggestion? - You're the boss.

What Daphne did was put a load of laundry in first.

That way, you can do two things at once.

Okay. Although I prefer to do laundry at the end of the day.

And that way, I can read when the clothes are in the dryer.

I mean, it's about the only me time I have on this job.

Ah...

Hey, Dad, ready for breakfast?

Well, thanks for the invite, but I can't go.

We didn't invite you.

You called us and badgered us until we rearranged our schedule.

Yeah. Well, that was before Trish came.

I think I should hang around, show her the ropes.

Show her where the room freshener is.

- It smells like stale cigars in here. - Yeah.

I had some of the guys in last night for poker.

Oh, hey, Niles, check this out.

I got a great new card trick.

- Oh, goody. - Yeah.

It's called The Amazing Niles.

Or The Amazing Whoever-You're-Doing-the-Trick-With.

Like, if I was doing it with Daphne, it would be The Amazing Daphne.

Doing it with Frasier, it would be The Ama...

The Amazing Frasier. Yeah, I get it, Dad.

That's just my patter. Okay.

Okay, Amazing Niles.

I want you to draw the ace of spades out of this deck.

Uh, something tells me that it's going to be this one right here.

Ladies and gentlemen, he drew the ace of spades.

Amazing, Amazing Niles.

- Isn't that a great trick? - Hey, wait a minute.

How come this deck only has aces of spades?

What? No, this is the trick...

Wait a minute.

This isn't the trick deck. Holy cow.

You just drew the card I asked you for.

What are the odds?

I wonder if you could do it again.

No, no, no.

Only one performance a day. Ha, ha.

- Is something wrong? - What?

No.

You know, since we're not going to have breakfast,

maybe we should, uh, go.

All right.

That way, we could pick up your car from the shop.

What happened to your car?

It got struck by lightning.

Okay, washer's running as we speak. Anything else before I go?

You going to lunch now? It's only 10.

Already? Ugh. Guess the dishes'll have to wait.

I've got a couple of errands to run, and then I have a hair appointment.

Trish, I'm a little surprised that you're taking off like this.

You know, I'm a little surprised too.

I thought my first day would be more like orientation.

You know, show me around, explain my duties.

And then I start work the next day.

Why would you think that?

It's been that way every other place I've worked, and I've had a lot of jobs.

Well, listen, Trish, I kind of went out on a limb for you,

and I'll never hear the end of it from my son if you let me down.

Don't worry. You are not gonna regret hiring me.

Tomorrow morning, I'll be like the White Tornado.

Remember those commercials? White Tornado?

- That'll be me. Ten o'clock. - You're not coming back after lunch?

Oh, trust me, you don't want me cleaning this place drunk. Ha, ha.

Oh, and that reminds me, I don't work Mondays.

I better get going. If I'm late to this lunch, how's that gonna look?

- Well, what about the laundry? - Oh, 10:00 tomorrow.

Along with those ribs.

Well, I hear the washer going.

I assume that means our new employee is hard at it.

Oh, yeah, she's like the White Tornado.

Dad, you know, your basketball references go right over my head.

Well, she's certainly got her work cut out for her,

cleaning up this mess you and your buddies made last night.

You don't have to worry about it. She's all about the work.

Listen, Dad.

- I think I owe you an apology. - For what?

Well, for thinking I was a better judge of people than you are.

I just want you to know that I do trust your judgement.

Maybe I don't say that often enough.

- Anyway, I hope you can forgive me. - There's nothing to forgive, son.

Thanks, Dad. I'll see you later.

Not now, boy.

We've got an apartment to clean.

Hi, Niles. How's it going?

I'm as good as dead.

I've been doing research into my family health history.

My Great-Uncle Timothy keeled over from a heart attack at my age.

Bottled water, please.

Are you talking about that tooth again?

It's still throbbing. Thank you.

Which means my heart is probably on its last legs.

Come on, Niles, you said it was a one-in-a-million chance.

One in 10,000. And I've been beating those odds all week.

I don't believe in omens, but these are getting harder to ignore.

So are you.

I flipped a coin 17 times last night, and every time, it came up tails.

I only stopped because I was getting a blister. Thank you.

How does Daphne put up with all this?

I haven't told her about it, because, unlike you, she'd worry about me.

Get your heart checked, and stop obsessing about it.

I'm going to.

In all probability, there's a perfectly reasonable expla...

What?

I won another fanny pack.

No. I'm not mad at you, Trish.

I'm just a little disappointed.

Well, yesterday was your neighbour's funeral, and today you got the flu.

No. I kind of believe you.

But, you know, this apartment doesn't clean itself.

So I'm... Huh?

Okay. Tomorrow.

Nine sharp.

Ten? Okay.

Well, I'll see you when you get here.

Oh, for God's sake.

Hey, careful, mister.

You're gonna get water all over a clean floor.

You know, maybe you can have Trish wax this floor tomorrow, huh?

She already did. It took her two hours.

And it just took you two seconds to mess it up and start complaining.

Well, I'm not complaining, Dad, but look at the streaks here.

It's like she never waxed a floor before.

All you do is nag, nag, nag.

Meanwhile, she tried a new fabric softener on your sweater,

and you didn't even notice.

Well, my sweaters are supposed to be dry-cleaned.

- Oh. - Oh, and remind me to say something

to her about flipping my mattress.

What the hell are you trying to do? Kill her?

Easy, easy.

Dad, there's no reason to get all riled up.

My God, you're actually perspiring.

Well, I just think some people around here

don't realise how hard she works.

Well, I'll say this much.

The place does smell lemony-fresh.

Shows what you know. It's "country breeze."

Daphne, I have to go out for a while.

All right.

No place out of the ordinary. Just out.

Okay. See you later.

I can't believe this is happening.

After all those misspent years of frustration and yearning,

I finally find the fulfilment of my dreams,

only to have it snatched away.

Look at her.

She's so beautiful. So perfect.

She deserves nothing but happiness.

I hope when I'm gone, she's able to make a life with someone else.

After a suitable period of mourning, of course.

Niles?

Yes, my love?

When are you gonna change the paper in the bottom of the birdcage, hmm?

I've asked you three times already.

As soon as I get back.

Maybe when I'm gone, Her Majesty can muck out

her own birdcage.

Hey, Fras, sorry to bother you.

Uh, Trish was wondering where you keep the silver polish.

Right.

I told her about that tarnish on your shrimp fork.

She suggested a place you could keep it

where the air won't get to it.

Really?

Perhaps she and I should have a discussion.

- What are you doing here? - Lunch cancelled,

I thought I might drop by, see if you'd like to join me for a bite.

I'd love to. Let me get my coat.

Right. I'll just tell Trish we're leaving.

- Where is she? - Oh, uh, she's in the powder room.

- Let's go. - Actually, I'd rather wait, Dad.

You see, I wanted to discuss a new vacuuming pattern with her.

Uh, well, actually, Fras, this might not be a good time.

That shrimp-fork thing really set her off.

She kind of went to pieces, and locked herself in there.

She did?

I had no idea she was so fragile.

Well, she'll get over it. She just, uh, needs to be alone for a while.

Uh, she'll be fine.

- Bye, Trish. - No, no, Dad.

You know what, if I've hurt her feelings,

then it is incumbent upon me to apologise.

Trish, it's Dr. Crane.

Could you come out here, please? I'd like to have a word with you.

The old silent treatment. Well, two can play that game.

- Let's go. - No, no, Dad.

I'll tell you, why don't you talk to her?

- Well, I don't think so. - Please, Dad, she likes you, please.

Uh, Trish? Hi, it's Marty.

Uh, listen, I know you're upset, but I'd like to talk to you.

Yeah. Um, would you unlock the door?

Attagirl.

All right, you just take all the time you need.

Okay, now, she accepted your apology,

but she just wants to be alone for a little while.

So, uh, let's go.

Well, Dad, I really should apologise to her in person.

Well, I don't think this is the time.

- Why not? - Well, you have been pretty critical.

Well, you know, I also think that she's made

some real improvements around here.

Tell her that.

She wants an example.

How should I know? Make something up.

Oh, no wonder she's mad, you ungrateful son of a bitch.

All right, see you later.

Well, now I think you've made things worse.

It wouldn't surprise me if she didn't come in tomorrow.

You didn't tell me you had a sister.

Dad.

All right. What the hell is going on?

No idea. I just came by for my paycheque.

Well, uh, I got some bad news about that, Trish.

I'm sorry, but we're gonna have to let you go.

Okay, but you still owe me for the days I was supposed to be here last week.

Sure, sure.

And there will be a cheque in the mail sometime after the first...

Asteroid hits Earth.

Okay, lay it on me. I'm prepared for the worst.

Is it my heart?

I'm afraid so.

Aha.

What?

There is an anomaly in your EKG.

I'm gonna have to check you into the hospital.

Oh. Uh, well, hmm...

Uh, I guess I can clear my schedule. Uh, how's tomorrow afternoon?

No, no, no. Niles, you need to go right now.