Original subtitles

You are fucking.

- Yeah, baby, hold up

in those butt cheeks.

Mama's coming in.

The fuck is this shit?

You stupid asshole!

I was in the middle of something.

Nice costume, dicksmack.

Where'd you get the outfit?

From a Halloween store clearance rack?

Hurry the fuck up.

I've got blonde babes to pleasure.

- Um-um.

- Hello? Did you not hear me?

Lamp, genie, three wishes,

let's go!

Wait, what's with the stupid mask?

- Let me tell you a story.

So when I was a little kid,

my dad took me to the zoo, and he's like,

"Let's go and see the lions."

I thought, "Yeah, I want it."

So we went there,

and we went right for it.

And, and he picked me up,

and he threw me in,

and I had to fight my way out just to survive.

That's how I've got

this horrible scar on my face.

And that's why I wear the mask.

- Yeah, whatever.

Come on, let's do it.

- I wish to put you to my rack.

- Your wish is, wait, what?

Son of a bitch!

Usually, I get excited about this type of thing

but you look like walking infection!

- Shut up, bitch!

- Excuse me!

Look, freak, I don't know

if you realize who I am

or what I'm capable of but-

- I know exactly what you are,

and I know that you're bound to me

until I'm through with you.

I'm gonna carve that heart

right out of your chest!

Hmm.

- God, this isn't even the worst thing

that's happened to me today.

Beeline, cocksucker!

- Feeling good about your life?

- I want that.

- I'm gonna need you to count those tickets.

One by one, nice and slow.

- You're the employee.

You count them.

- I've never seen anybody

win enough tickets to earn this.

Here you go.

You do know you can get one of those

on the internet for like 10 bucks, right?

- What the hell is this?

- I'm gonna assume

you had some extra tickets.

- Keep it, give it to the next

hot chick you wanna date with.

- Hmm, it's not a bad idea.

- Damn, that's strong.

- You're not Sabiah.

Who the hell are you?

- I am Mahktoonah, the beautiful and the divine.

I'm here to grant you three wishes

of, of, shoot.

Where is the rest of the script?

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Where's Sabiah?

- My mixed sister?

Probably complaining somewhere

with extreme bitch face,

but you don't need her, I am here.

I can grant you any wish that she can,

probably even better.

- Well, my first wish is for you

to put some goddamn clothes on.

Is this a thing with your family?

- Oh, sorry, no, can't do.

- What do you mean no, can't do?

You're, you're a genie.

You have to do what I wish for.

- Not exactly.

- I know about the no-wishing-for-more-wishes thing.

- No, there's only one rule

that genies have to abide by.

- And that is?

- We can't grant wishes

that have already been wished for.

- You're kidding.

- No, I mean could you imagine

what would happen if we granted wealth

and power to everyone who found our lamps?

It would cause chaos in the markets.

And you already wished for a genie

to put her clothes on.

So that's done for, forever.

And now, that I think of it,

you're the first person in human history

to wish for a genie to put her clothes back on.

I take offense to your wish.

Am I not beautiful to you?

- Yeah, you're gorgeous.

But I mean, what are all those reviewers

who called us immature and obsessed

with breasts going to say now?

- I'm sure they'll continue

to complain on their adorable little blogs

that so many people read.

- Fine, Mahktoonah, my first wish

is I wish to be with Sabiah.

Your wish is my command.

- Well, where's Sabiah?

- I have no idea.

- And how is this granting my wish?

- Well, you didn't say right now,

so it's at some point in the future.

You two will totally be together, wish granted.

- Are you telling me I wasted a wish

because of a technicality?

- Well, I'm pretty new at this.

You're only my second.

I know there's something I'm supposed

to tell you about thinking carefully

about your wishes, but I'm still pretty

buzzed from inhaling all that smoke.

- God, I can't even...

You say we'll be together.

Do you know when?

You can wish.

- No.

- Look, I don't know where she is right now,

but I know someone who does.

Do you have a chariot?

- Are you trying to get me

to go on an ancient road trip?

- Yes, I love road trips.

This one time, the Pharaoh Khufu

took me on a trip down the Nile.

- Okay, okay, okay.

Road trip it is.

To the chariot!

- Yay!

- So what's your deal?

Problem with the ladies

that you have to tie 'em up

and hack 'em to pieces in mommy's basement?

I can grant you a wish

to change all that, you know?

- I want you to tell me a story today.

- What is it with you humans

in demanding stories all the time?

- It's gonna take some time

before I read all the incantations

so I can imbue this blade,

so I can pierce your skin!

- I am not gonna play this game.

- I still got some raspberry jam

I can take them on.

I aim to place this over again.

- Fine, fine story.

- Easy there son.

- No danger, old timer.

Just passing through and saw your fire.

Thought I'd stop for some conversation.

You're gonna eat those?

Let me get your name, friend.

I'm Jack.

- Names are nothing but a target on your back.

And there's damn sure

no such thing as friends out here.

- I suppose that's what counts

for nuggets of wisdom in these parts.

- You call it what you will,

but it'll keep you out of a pine box.

Where are you heading?

- Deadwood.

Deadwood.

There's nothing in Deadwood,

but two dead poker players

and rotten dancing girls.

- Just a first stop, friend.

I wanna make a name for myself, see.

These right here are the fastest

hands in the West.

Nobody, and I mean nobody

can out quick draw me.

I'm gonna take out every gunfighter

in this new territory, and then some.

People everywhere are gonna remember

the name, Jack McCallahan.

Hey, that may even get me a swell

nickname in the newspapers.

Maybe something like the Dangerous Deadeye Jack.

Or maybe it won't be the Dangerous Deadeye Jack,

but it'll be something.

Just you wait and see.

- Young gunslingers looking

to get their names on posters.

Old ones living the rest of their life

looking over their shoulder for the Grim Reaper.

No, it ain't no way to live, kid.

- Say I hear teller gold around these parts,

could use a little glint to get me started.

- You heading down that valley?

- Supposed I were.

Man.

- You're gonna tell me what you think

is so goddamn funny?

- They call it the Devil's Corkscrew.

- The what now?

- The Devil's Corkscrew.

- Get coffee now that you got some food.

I'll tell you about it

since you wanted some conversation.

- Ah, oh, bloody hell.

No, no, no, no.

It's not fair, I earned this.

Please, that look, please.

- God, please grant his soul peace in your presence.

- We should all be so lucky.

Charlotte, tend to Bill.

- Okay.

- How much further?

- Two, three miles at the most.

- Leave him, Samuel, and let's go!

- Sarah, I can keep up.

- Nobody's leaving anybody.

- We're not gonna make it carrying him.

That thing is coming to put a bullet

in each and every one of us.

And that includes you, Charlotte.

And God ain't gonna help you neither.

- Maybe we can find a horse.

- Look around you, James.

There are no goddamn horses in this place.

- There you go.

- Thank you.

- I will show you I can make it.

- Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!

We need to do something.

- There's only one thing we can do.

James.

- No, no.

Don't, don't, not my leg.

- You don't look like a Bill.

How'd you get that name?

- You don't be.

It's Bill Nardo Casanova Chavez.

- I think Bill suits you just fine.

You've done this before?

- Aye, once or twice.

- Charlotte, now, you hold him tight.

Bite down, Bill.

- Okay, okay, give me your hand,

give me your hand.

Give me your hand.

Okay, we're gonna get back.

You promised your mother.

- Put pressure on it, be right back.

- You know he ain't gonna make it.

I didn't spend years on that bag

to lose this for a goddamn act of kindness.

I will do what needs to be done to survive.

- Charlotte, get him up.

You're gonna have to help him walk.

James, grab their bags.

- It's too much weight.

- There's not much we can do about that.

- Let's go!

- Come on, Bill, we have to keep up.

- I'm sorry, Charlotte.

I can't keep going anymore.

- Bill!

- No, no, come on, no.

Samuel, help me!

Come on, no, come on.

Hey, look at me, look at me.

We can do this, we can make this, okay?

We can make this.

Can you get him up?

Look at me, you can do this.

We can get this. - Charlotte.

I want you to tell my mother

and make sure you tell Germaine about the baby.

Use the money to marry the fool

and spoil the kid.

Because, because...

- No, come on now, no, come on.

Bill, wake up please!

Wake him up!

Wake up, Bill!

Wake up, Bill!

- Throw some dirt on him and let's go.

Oh, that's a bout worthy of any man I know.

No!

It's not me.

Get back!

Sarah, on your back,

like the whore that you'll always be.

- Ain't it amazing how ones quickly

forgets their past when they find Jesus.

- Charlotte, put down the gun!

- No! She's the cancer's evil.

God Himself would have put,

put this creature down.

- You're just like me, honey,

still on your knees.

Only now, you call it piety.

You don't have the guts.

- I guess we're about to find out.

- Hurry, grab the bags.

- Wait, don't.

- There's no time, let's go!

- We can't leave all that gold behind.

Then you carry it.

- Slow, slow down.

I can't, I can't, I gotta stop.

Need, need water!

- Get up, we're almost there.

We've almost made it.

- I can't, I can't go on,

I'm too thirsty.

- Here, you have mine.

- No.

- Sarah, no!

What the hell are you doing?

- I meant what I said.

He is slowing us down.

- You have lost your goddamn mind.

- No, I am the one who is seeing clearly.

Survival means doing what needs to be done.

You evil wench.

Oh, it hurts, damn it.

- I'm sorry for getting you into this, old boy.

- I, I just needed the money for medicine.

- I know, I know.

- Make sure she gets my share.

I, I don't want her to die in pain.

- I never could lie to you, James.

I'm sorry you didn't make it.

- What, what, what are you doing?

You're just gonna leave?

No, Sam, you snake.

No, no!

- There it is.

I knew I'd make it.

There it is.

I did it, I did it!

It's right there, on the other side,

just waiting for us.

- How can we be so sure?

- The legend says if we can cross back,

if we can prove ourselves-

- Then we can keep all of that

lovely gold for ourselves.

- But dying and coming back?

It's not natural.

- We'll come back right, Samuel?

- I'll do my best to protect you.

You have my word.

But I ain't coming back.

- Won't be a problem.

You need this just

as much as we do, Samuel,

Then it's settled.

To our futures.

- L'Chaim.

- We made it, I told you so.

Now, I can live the life that I deserve.

That I'm old.

I should have seen this coming.

Minute you crawled into my bed,

talking about legends and treasures.

Look at you now.

A big man pointing a gun at an unarmed lady.

- You're no lady.

- I will be.

This is enough to erase my past

and start a new life,

without rattlesnakes like you.

It's mine, it's all mine!

It's real, it's real.

It's all real.

- Well, what are you waiting for?

Take my soul.

That's your end of the bargain, right?

Wait, what are you doing?

Take me!

Don't leave me out here all alone,

not by myself, not for an eternity of this.

- Well, that was one hell

of a story there, old timer.

- Well, you know what they say?

The devil is in the details.

- Or a corkscrew,

spiraling towards death.

Well, I best be getting on my way.

I appreciate the beans

and the conversation.

- You're still going after that gold?

- Maybe I should just take yours.

- Get you started.

- See you around, old timer.

- I'll be seeing ya.

- So where are we going?

- To see the Oracle.

- The Greek mythology Oracle?

- You know your history.

The Oracle will know where to find Sabiah.

- And how long will this take?

- Less time than it takes

the Sultan of Agba to lick a nipple.

- I don't even know what that means.

I wish you would just-

- Yes?

- Nope, caught myself.

Not doing that again, nice try.

- So you found my sister, huh?

What'd you wish for?

- Had her make me a pizza,

and then over the course of the night,

she told me a bunch of horror stories.

Ooh, I love stories.

Let's tell some, can I go first?

- I suppose it will pass the time.

What's it about?

- Oh goody, it goes like this.

- Why do I have to carry

all the shovels, you guys?

Tammy, one of you could

at least carry the bucket.

- Your mouth is good for one thing

and talking ain't it, sweetie.

So shut your carpet cleaner and stop complaining.

Imagine if we're the ones to find her body.

We'll get our pictures in the paper.

Maybe even get on the news.

How are we gonna know

the grave when we see it?

- We got the map, your brother,

Eric, gave us, you fool.

He wouldn't have sent us on no snipe hunt,

now, would he?

Well, I don't know, man.

Where is he anyway?

He was supposed to meet us back in town.

- Here it is, boys.

- X marks the spot, baby.

We're gonna be famous.

Geocaching subreddit ain't got shit on us.

- Don't know about this, guys.

I heard if you walk by Isabelle's grave,

you'll die before your next birthday,

and you won't have sex for a whole week.

Oh, I don't want that for us, Tammy.

My mom's expecting us

to get married and have kids.

- Don't be an idiot, sweetie.

Now, zip your lip and button up your fly.

- If she was buried here,

wouldn't have someone have dug her up by now?

- Judging from all this junk left

around here, people have tried,

probably got too scared.

- You believe the story,

how her own daddy gouged out her eyes

with a broken lapel?

Yeah, and how he had locked

her away in the nuthouse.

- But she got her revenge,

broke out, killed him, and 12 others,

13 in all.

Hell of a girl.

- How'd a blind girl kill all those people?

They say she hunted 'em down

listening ever so carefully

for the beat of their terrified hearts.

- After they finally stopped her,

townsfolk snagged her body, burned it,

and dumped it in a hole in the earth

far from town.

Grandpa told me the story once.

Said her body wouldn't burn.

- Wouldn't burn? Why wouldn't she burn?

- Said she was a demon or something worse.

- Tammy, can we just go home, and Netflix,

and do whatever two people do

when they love each other very much?

I'm super scared.

- I didn't come all the way out here

to turn around now and run home.

So pussy up and start digging for your sweetie.

- Honey bun, my back hurts.

I wanna go home.

- Keep digging, and don't call me honey buns.

Makes me sound like some

kinda goddang hostess parlor.

- Why aren't you digging?

- Because I can kick your asses,

you impotent gnomes, that's why.

Now, stop crying and start shoveling.

- I think we found something.

- George Lucas in the G-string, it's here.

- Get out of the way, let me see.

Open it.

- Don't wanna.

- It ain't about wanna,

it's about you doing what I tell you, sweetie.

- Come on, dingus, give me a hand.

- Isabelle Whiteworth, the belle from hell.

- Man, she stank.

Oh, I'm gonna be sick.

There's some kind of a mask on her face.

Let me see.

- Don't look like she's been dead

more than a day or two,

kinda peculiar for someone buried

over half a century ago,

don't you think?

- What are you waiting for?

Let's take Ms. Isi for a walk.

Looks like she's stuck or something.

Glad we brought the bucket.

Mark, get down here

and pop her head off with a shovel.

- No, this crosses the line, Tammy.

- I'll cross your line, mister.

Whatever, I'll do it.

Where is the bucket?

Guess this head ain't movin' without a fight.

Hell of a girl.

- I think I got the tool for the job.

- Fuck, oh, fucking run!

- Oh, Tammy?

- Hey, what gives?

- Eric, we was waiting for you

while you've been here making out

all this whole goddamn time?

What kind of deprived animals

get it on in a barn?

She's coming.

- Who?

- Isabelle Whiteworth.

Hell girl.

- Shit, I hope I didn't give him my number.

Gotcha!

Ooh, it's so gross to do.

- That was her.

That was really her.

That was Isabelle.

She's back from the...

- Wow, nice job.

That was pretty rad.

Much more vivid to Harrington.

Better executed than some of the stories

your sister told me.

- Thanks, your turn.

- Me? Oh, I don't know.

I don't think I have anything good.

- Oh, come on!

Don't be a pussy!

- Okay, okay, I think I know a pretty good.

My friend told me once.

- Oh, tell me more.

- Help me.

Help me!

- Miss.

Miss.

Miss, miss, are you all right?

Are you all right?

- Please, please get me outta here.

- Whoa, whoa, calm down.

Are you, are you bleeding?

- Help me to your car.

- Calm down, what happened here, what-

- We don't have time for this, please.

We have to get outta here.

- Look, why don't you wait here,

and I'll go get help?

- You can't leave me out here by this ditch.

- Why are you covered in blood?

- It's not my blood.

- Okay, tell you what?

You just sit tight.

I'll go ahead to town, and get help,

and will be right back.

- You can't leave me out here.

- Look, I'll just go on up ahead and get help.

- No, you can't.

You can't leave me out here.

Give me a ride, a cell phone, anything please.

You can't leave me out here all by myself.

- Lady, we're in a dead zone,

there's no service out here.

- You need to help me.

I can't let you leave.

Please.

- Hey, was that your car

a couple of miles back there?

- Yeah, overheated.

Damn Nebraska summers, right?

- Ehm-hmm.

- Hey, you don't have any water, do you?

- Ah, I don't but I'm going into town.

There's a gas station there.

You could get some coolant.

- Oh, that'd be great.

- Well, hop in.

- Thank you.

I can't believe how desolate it is out here.

- Ehm-hmm.

- Lucky you found me.

Otherwise, I'd be walking who knows

how long in this damn humid heat.

- Well, I just had the weirdest thing

happened to me about 20 minutes ago.

- Yeah?

- I'm driving along.

Suddenly, there's this woman

on the side of the road.

She's covered with blood,

and she's waving around this big hammer,

and just freaking out.

Well, I had to leave her there.

- What? Look, should we go back and pick her up?

I mean, she could be injured.

- Ah, believe me.

You don't wanna get involved

in that kinda crazy.

Besides, she said it wasn't her blood.

I think she may have killed someone.

Well, not to worry.

The sheriff patrol's out there all the time.

He'll pick her up.

- I don't know, it seems kinda cruel

to leave her out there like that.

Cruel?

Probably not half as cruel

as what she did to that poor

son of a bitch with that hammer.

God knows, my wife probably wanted

to take a hammer at me a time or two

in our 30 years of marriage.

Oh, sorry, jokes aren't my strong suit.

My wife puts up with a lot of my shit,

but she's a damn good woman.

Who'd have thought of a punker like me

could meet a soul mate.

But they say, there's someone

out there for everybody.

Hey, you married?

- Oh yeah, six years.

- Oh.

- Couple of rug rats.

Things haven't been going too great though.

- Yeah, I'm sorry to hear that.

Another woman?

- No, nothing like that.

Just money problems, the same bullshit.

- I hear ya, take it

from someone who's been there and done that.

Money problems are no reason

to let a good woman go.

- Yeah, you're probably right.

Damn it!

- Thank you so much for the lift.

- Sure. - Hopefully now,

I can finally get some work done today.

- Work eh, what do you do?

- I'm a botanist.

- Bought a what?

- Basically, I'm a glorified plant scientist.

- Ah.

- I come out here to study new species

and you know, hopefully,

find something that can save lives.

- Oh, like cure cancer or something?

- Something like that.

- Did you find anything interesting out here?

All Nebraska seems to have to offer

is corn and ditch weed.

- Yeah, actually, I came

across something last week.

Could be a game-changer.

- Well, you make sure to name it after yourself.

I hear you scientist guys

can do that if you want to.

- Only sometimes.

- Right where I left it.

Well, let me fill her up.

Did you hear that?

- Hear what?

- Well, I must be hearing things.

- I thought I heard some kind of strange

sound coming from the ditch.

- Hopefully, it's not that woman

you left on the side of the road back there.

Well, that should do it.

Hey, thanks again for the lift.

- Oh sure, no problem.

- Hey, you know, you should pick

some of these nice wild flowers

and take them home to your wife.

Kinda smooth things over with her.

- Yeah, I might do that.

- See, there it is again.

You heard it that time, didn't you?

- Oh yes, I discovered it earlier this week.

It's a game-changer.

In fact, I showed my wife earlier today.

- Wait, your wife?

- No more wife, happy life.

And now, no witnesses.

So win-win.

- Hi honey, you're right.

It really is a game-changer.

- I loved it, I totally wasn't expecting that.

- Thanks, sequels are always bigger

and better than the first one, right?

- It will be tough to top that one,

but I have another in mind.

- Oh, shit!

- What's wrong with your chariot?

- The horses have overheated.

They need water.

Well, let's find a mechanic the next town.

- Oh, goody, a mechanic.

What's a mechanic?

- Hmm?

- It's Endemo.

Fucking asshole, what the hell

are you doing to me?

- Tattoos act as protection.

I must cancel their effects with the book

before I can take your heart out.

How did that feel?

- Like you fucking burned me!

- Good, that means that it's working.

- Tell me another story.

- I'm not telling you shit.

- I wish for your compliance.

- Granted!

Why do you wanna hear?

I don't know anything

that will top the last story.

- As far as the next story goes, surprise me.

- Fine!

- How do you do, madam?

- Trying to get out of this rain, thank you.

Is this the Wafer Bed and Breakfast?

- The one and only.

Please, why don't you come inside?

- Oh, thank you kindly.

You will allow me to fetch you a towel

with which to dry off?

- That'll be swell.

- May I take your bag?

- That'll be so much appreciated.

- Please follow me.

- It's raining cats and dogs out there.

My car broke down on the road

a little ways back.

Sheer luck that I happened

to see your lights through the storm.

Oh, do you happen to have

a telephone I could use?

- I'm afraid the storm has rendered

our telephone inoperable, madam.

- Shoot.

- I could offer you a room for the night, madam.

I'm sure the storm will pass by the morning,

and I can give you a ride into town

on my way to the store.

- That would be so kind.

How much for the room?

- Not necessary, madam.

After all, it is not your fault

your car broke down.

- You are a godsend, thank you so much.

- It's quite all right.

The world could use more simple kindness in it.

I will be serving dinner

for the other guest in the dining room,

and I would be happy

to set another place for you.

- That would be wonderful.

I just need to dry off.

- Of course.

Up the stairs, third door on the right.

- I think you have the wrong room.

- Oh my goodness, I am so sorry.

- Like what you see?

- I, yeah, no, I am, I'm,

I am so ashamed, so sorry.

- Oh, do you mind?

- Oh, sure.

- Thank you.

My name's Tiffany.

It's nice to meet you.

- June, nice to meet you too.

- You're the only other person

I've seen here tonight.

Well, other than the weird butler.

I'm stuck here tonight

until the storm passes.

- So am I, my car broke down

a little ways back.

- Mine too, that storm is insane though.

I almost drowned trying to get here.

- Oh, you know, I was hoping

they have a telephone,

but I guess the storm's knocked out the lines.

- Maybe the only way this place

gets any business is waiting for damsels

to break down on the side of the road.

- Oh, I don't know about that.

He's letting me stay for free.

Shut up, he charged me $30.

- Oh, maybe I'm his type.

- Dirty old man gives you a free room,

remember, lock your door tonight.

Maybe if I flash some cleavage at dinner,

I can get my money back.

He's making broiled lobster tail

with garlic-chili butter.

Hopefully he has ridiculous amount of wine too.

- Well, you can't pass that up.

I'm just gonna dry off and get changed

but I'll probably be down later.

- Good, because I can't drink alone

or I'll get, I'll do something stupid.

- Guess a free room doesn't include heat.

June, stop acting like you're 12.

I must've been more tired than I realized.

You know, I'll pass on dinner.

Excuse me, sir.

I'm sorry to bother you at this late hour,

but I was wondering if I could trouble you

for a glass of water?

I had this horrible nightmare.

- You did not join us for dinner, madam.

- What, oh, yes, I'm, I'm sorry.

I was feeling a little light-headed,

and I laid down.

I guess, I must have been

more tired than I realized.

It's quite all right.

The other girl suited nicely.

- Tiffany?

Was that her name?

She was a very nice girl.

- Did she leave already?

Did you give her a ride into town?

I am sorry, again,

but do you know where I could get a glass of water?

- Why, madam, we have no water here.

We only carry one type of refreshment.

We only carry blood!

- No.

No.

Ah, yes?

Good morning, madam.

I brought breakfast.

Are you decent? May I come in?

- Ah, yes, come in.

- I'm sorry, madam.

I did not mean to wake you.

- You just startled me, is all.

- Nothing a hearty American breakfast can't solve.

I wanted to let you know

that I will be heading into town in a short while

and would be happy to take you

if you still desire so.

- Town, I...

- Madam, I do hope I'm not overstepping my bounds,

but you look like you've seen a ghost.

Are you all right?

Would you like me to fetch a doctor?

- No, no, I just had a bad dream, is all.

- Oh yes, this place can do that to a person.

I imagine that's part of the reason

we don't see the traffic we once used to.

It seems the world has moved

on from these ghastly Victorian Era hotels.

It's a shame really.

Oh, well, in any event, may I?

- Oh yes, please, I'm starving.

- It would not be a bed and breakfast

if not for the breakfast portion.

What is this?

It smells delicious.

- Thank you, madam.

The kitchen always needs to be stocked.

- So yeah, can you fix it?

- Yeah.

- I'm sorry, my friend's not from around here.

- Yeah, I can fix it.

I reckon gonna take about two hours.

- Really? That's great, how much?

- Well, I tell you what,

I just started boiling some stew

around back in the trailer when y'all stopped.

What'd you say,

you and pretty lady here,

join me for a bite,

and well, a little company,

and what'd you say, we call it even.

- I mean, thanks, but I don't know.

- It's rude to turn down hospitality

around these parts, you know?

- Ooh, did somebody say stew?

- Yeah.

- I love stew.

- I said stew.

- Is it dragon tongue?

- No.

- I love basilisks.

- Not quite.

Hair of Gorgon?

- Mahktoonah, I don't think

that's such a good idea.

- Eh, the lady knows what she wants.

Now, head on back around the trailer,

and well, I guarantee

this gonna be the best stew I ever made.

Come on, Jeff!

- Come on, Jeff, let's get on.

Man.

Y'all gonna like what I'm cooking up.

Hmm, good Lord.

Look at this, Jeff.

This lampshade's made

from the strangest material.

- Girl, yeah, uh, ah.

Oh.

- Mahktoonah, we need to get out of here.

This drawing reminds me of someone.

I can't quite place who.

- All right, I got a little something for you.

All right.

There, take this.

- Not a chance.

- I ain't asking.

This is my obligation.

Ooh, I want some.

- Yeah, you do.

- Mahktoonah, what are you-

- That's it, drink it, girl.

Drink it, drink it, drink it.

Yeah, that's, that's some powerful stuff,

right there, huh?

- Oh my, that's good.

- Oh, my God, Mahktoonah.

Are you okay? - Yeah, all right, now.

I wanna thank you for the gift.

- What gift?

- Why, her, of course.

I mean, it's been a long time

since I've had some djinn,

and that's genie djinn,

that ain't liquor gin.

Now, you're gonna taste good too,

but it's been ages

since I had made me some genie,

and my stew, well,

hmm, it needs some good meat.

- You're a cannibal?

- Well yes, son.

Don't you know?

You only now are seeing?

Come on, go now.

Come on, get it, go now!

Go now!

Come on.

No, wait.

- Time out!

- God, what?

- God damn it, you poke-

No!

- Christ!

- You saved me.

- Who the hell is that guy?

- Polyphemus, I think.

Dude's an asshole.

- Poly who?

- He's a cyclops.

Oh, I can't believe I was so stupid.

Don't tell my sister.

I'll never hear the end of it.

- A cyclops?

There's no such thing as a cyclops.

- Remove his eyepatch.

- Just fucking sat down.

Shouldn't the eye in the middle of his forehead?

- It is, it's the rest of his face that's crooked.

- Yeah, obviously, let's get out of here.

Here, hydrate.

- Thanks.

Oh, hey!

- What are you doing?

- Here, you should keep this.

- Why?

- For protection?

- I appreciate foreshadow, let's go.

- Oh my gosh.

That was so good.

I can't wait to see how it ends.

- Let me get this straight.

I wished for the best

no-budget Indie Hall film,

and this is the best

you puny Earthlings have to offer?

I am the Robo-Mummy.

I demand to see "Return of the Robo-Mummy

"From Outer Space Part Seven".

Dead Lantern filmed that like three years ago.

- Well, get in line, buddy.

I've been waiting like five years

to see this one through.

- Totally worth it though.

Way better than the first anthology.

- Hah, lies, the only good sequel

is the "Robo-Mummy" sequel.

Who was the knob who decided

this was a good use of his money?

You do realize that all blame

is on the producer, right?

- Yeah, I know.

- Guys, look, we're on the intermission.

Hi there, you must be asking yourself,

who is this lovely creature?

Well, my name is Kamaria,

and I'm in "Tingles Down Your Spine",

the third and final film

for this anthology trilogy.

Get that confused look off your face.

We haven't filmed it yet.

- Enough, I wish we were back at my ship.

- Granted,

- We shall go to the planet Hubba at Doh-Jobs,

where the women have eight breasts,

instead of two.

- Wait a minute,

that's four times the expense.

- You are only halfway through this epic film,

so you may be needing to take a break,

and I'm here to tell you,

it's okay to take one.

What's great about horror anthologies

is that they don't need to be consumed all at once.

So go grab some popcorn.

Go get a drink.

Go have sex with someone.

- Yeah, oh, baby.

- What did you guys think

I was going to do there?

The point is you can watch

what you want when you want.

- I, the Robo-Mummy, am sold.

My final wish is to finish watching

"Chills Down Your Spine".

- Oh, hell no.

I'm going to the play down the street.

Theater is way superior to film.

The director ruined this thing.

- That poor guy.

I know his wife is pissed.

- So consider this your only warning.

I don't wanna read any bitching

on the internet about how this movie

was too damn long.

Just be glad these idiots were thinking

about you for this intermission.

They literally planned it three days

before finalizing the film.

So relax, sit down, and kick back.

And I'll see you in a couple of years

for "Tingles Down Your Spine".

- Take our tickets.

"Return of the Robo-Mummy From Outer Space

"Part Seven" comes next.

- We'll see.

- Oh, that was messed up.

Nearly eaten by a cyclops.

What else could possibly go wrong?

- Let's hope his dad doesn't find out.

- He said I was on an odyssey.

What does that mean?

- Well, the road trips are representation

of the hero's journey.

You go out on some sort of adventure.

You face various trials along the way.

And in the end, you come out

with a reward of some kind.

- Then maybe Sabiah's my reward.

- Perhaps, the hero's journey

can be something small,

like going to the grocery store

and fighting some deplete

over the last bag of gummy bears.

Or it could take you to a cyclops

who wants to eat you.

You just never know.

- So then we're always on

a hero's journey of some kind.

Never thought of it like that.

All right, if we're on an odyssey,

and the next bad thing that happens

involves a storm, screw it,

I'm pulling over.

- But you're the hero, Jeff.

You're supposed to face your challenges,

overcome them, and save the day!

- The best heroes are the smart heroes,

and the smart thing to do

is not let some angry Thunder God

hydroplane me to a goddamn tree.

We'll wait it out and be safe.

- Fine, how about another story then?

- Sure, you or me?

- You, got anything good?

- I have something that might be right up your alley.

- Nice.

- Oh, who could that be

at this late hour?

Martha?

- I haven't the faintest idea, darling.

- It's too late to be the pool boy.

- And it's too late to be your secretary.

Touche, darling.

Whoever it is, we mustn't keep

our mystery guest waiting.

You?

- Back soon, come in and make yourself at home.

Help yourself to the bar, free booze!

Yay!

Bad taste.

- Uh, there's like nobody here.

Hello?

- What kind of weirdo lets a bunch

of strangers into his house

on a dark and stormy night?

- Probably the kind that pay for your videos.

- Alcohol identified, who wants to drink?

Me.

- The guy who booked us said

he would pay us three times

the green you may last-

- I can see your eyes any day.

- Speaking of this guy, where is he?

Who is he?

- This place has a bad vibe to it.

We should get out of here.

- Oh, don't sweat it, E,

it's probably just a bunch of drunk, horny,

frat boys throwing their parents' money at us.

- Oh, speak for yourself, Rue.

You're the only one who gets any attention

because every dick thinks you're gonna

jump their bones because they play Fortnite.

You know, I'm bigger than that bottle.

- You know, sexy nerd is in.

You should try it sometime, Scarlett.

- Maybe I will.

- Oh, hey, Wanda.

I must be hunting treasure,

'cause I'm digging your chest.

- Seriously, darling,

I wonder about you sometimes.

Oh, my God.

I'll do bad things to your parrot.

- Pipe down, ladies.

We just need to be ready to go by eight.

- You don't have any idea

who this guy is that booked us?

- Nope, he wanted to remain anonymous.

- This place ain't right.

Something bad happened here.

What the fuck?

- What?

- Hey, Rue, wake up!

- Oh, oh, God, my head.

What happened?

I don't know.

- What time is it?

- Did we do the show?

- Oh no, my head is really foggy.

- I don't remember anything either.

- You bitches believe me now?

- Did we fucking get roofie?

- Where is Viola and Clementine?

- Oh, my God!

I knew it.

Who is it?

- Will someone please walk me the fuck outta here?

- I agree with Glenda.

- That could be our friend under there.

- I can't look.

- Ooh.

Oh look, a dead girl.

- That's right.

- Damn it, that bitch owed me money.

- Jesus, y'all gave me the creep of willies.

What are y'all screaming about?

- Ga. - Gu.

- Ga.

- Toast.

- Well?

- Well, what? She's dead.

- Oh God, I just realized something.

In ghost stories, ghosts don't know they're dead

until they realize their death.

- Has anyone seen a landline?

It's dead.

- We're not getting anywhere in that.

- Maybe someone should go down

to the main road and wave down some help?

- I'll go.

- Ooh, here, take this.

- I'll go with her.

- Be careful.

- What is it?

- What's the last thing you two remember?

- What happened to us?

- You don't remember going out

into the rain to get help?

- Help for what?

- Should we tell them?

- Tell us what?

- You two are ghosts, tuts.

- What kinda joke are you guys tryin' to?

- Ah, crap.

- What?

- They're right, I remember.

Crazy night huh?

Ooh.

You mustard-murdered me.

Mustard murdered, huh?

- Shikes, I'm dead too.

- Nobody could tongue my ass like that one.

- One of us is the killer.

- You mean one of you is the killer.

- Well, it ain't me.

- Don't look at us, sweet cheeks.

- There's a bigger question here.

- Bigger than who killed Wanda,

Clementine, and Scarlett?

- He's right, the bigger question is-

- Are the rest of us, ghosts?

- Who didn't see that coming?

Did someone fuck your brains out?

Or have you always been this stupid?

- We found Scarlett in the kitchen,

and Vonda in the living room,

no sign of Clementine.

- Maybe we should just take our chances

with the rain instead of walking upstairs

in a house with no power?

- Listen to the brains of the outfit.

- Glenda, pipe down.

We need to know who is dead and who isn't.

- Oh, why would one of us want to kill us?

- I don't, I can think of several reasons

to kill someone, if you want.

At least one to kill the rest.

I'm just saying.

- I gotta pee, I gotta pee.

Ghosts don't pee, do they?

- I think that's a bathroom.

Here, we'll wait for you.

- Bugger.

- Oh God, which one of us, is it?

- Oh, double fuck.

Triple fuck the sprinkles.

- Well, at least we know

she wasn't the killer.

Doesn't look like but a couple

of us may have made it.

- And one of them is the killer.

- Well, how do we do this?

- One at a time?

- I'll start?

So the hair is real,

but the tits are fake.

- Shikes.

Hello, where did everybody go?

- Who did it to you, Rye?

- I didn't see their face.

- We'll just never get used to that.

- I was betting hot dogs to donut

she was the killer.

I guess I'll go next.

One, two-

- Just lift the fucking sheet.

The suspense is killing me.

♪ It's tequila time, tequila ♪

Oh hi,, best gig ever right?

- You said it, tuts.

- Ooh, that's nice, where'd you get that?

- I was hiding it up my ass at all time.

- Oh, neat trick, how'd you do that?

- Oh, that ain't the trick.

The trick is how I make her do this.

- Well, I'll be...

- You killed them?

- You know, for playing the smart one,

you sure are stupid.

We killed them.

- What the hell?

- Ooh, this is the part

where he gets to tell the story.

Tell the story, baby.

- You see, years ago after

an unfortunate accident involving her bitch

of a mother, Dolly's twatwaffle,

fart blossom of a father had her

locked away in a loony bin.

That's when she took all 3 1/2 splinted

inches of me right in the ass.

And after nine years,

since the bastard let us out,

we got married that very day.

When I realized she was

the heir of this place,

and all that money, oh,

I started plotting, yeah.

- Oh God, this is, this is crazy.

- We have to kill pops,

but we have to make it look like

someone else had done the killing.

So we called Viola,

and hired the troupe to perform tonight.

We had to make it look like one of you

had done all the killing.

You're gonna be the patsy, you see.

That's why we only drugged you.

- We knew that cum-gargling

whore Scarlett was gonna go after the alcohol.

We just didn't anticipate all the fucking ghosts.

- Right? Who could've seen that coming?

- Yeah.

- What an incredible twist.

- I got one more twist for both of ya.

- What do you mean?

- Dolly, cock sleeve.

Now, that we're married,

if you die, I get the whole kit and caboodle.

- You wouldn't.

I loved you.

I faked it.

- Oh God, oh my God, oh my God.

- She never had much in the brain's department.

And now, there's even less.

- Wait, why did you do this?

She, she loved you.

- I know you thought about it,

you, me, going with the grain,

rubbing my wood, bust these brains, baby.

- I am not into tiny splitter dicks,

you fucking piece of firewood.

- You bet!

Ah, you stupid twatwaffle,

you dumb fluoride, dumb whore.

I gotta shove my pole up your ass.

You die, you shit oracles.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

What the fuck?

Cunnilingus.

- Wow, didn't expect that.

- See, not a single drop.

Skies are crystal clear.

What I tell you about the smart heroes?

Things are finally starting to look up.

- Oh, oh wow!

I did not expect that

from the God of the sea.

- Stupid motherfucking idiot, fucking genie,

doesn't know how to drink out

of a fucking water bottle.

It's pretty fucking simple.

You put the bottle up to your lips,

you tilt your head back,

you fucking swallow the water,

but I get the fucking idiot genie

that can't accomplish a piece of fucking task!

We need a tow truck.

Give me a freebie wish.

- I'm not allowed to do that.

- Then this hero's journey ends right now.

- Calm your tits.

I know a guy with a tow truck.

- Really, who?

- I'll walk.

- Oh, hey, maybe that car will help.

- We're not going far,

but we can drop you at the next town.

Thank you very much.

- Oh, no problem.

It's lucky we drove by when we did.

I can't imagine being stuck out here

in the middle of nowhere.

Do you mind if I ask why um?

- Oh, I'm sorry, you'll have

to excuse my friend here.

It's a long story.

No bother.

I love a good pair.

In fact, it's one of my favorite things

about my wife being pregnant.

Oh, those luscious breasts I get to suck on.

Oh, you know, it's a cure

for pink eye, breast milk.

And I find it's one hell of an aphrodisiac.

I mean, when her milk lets down,

I'm hard as a diamond.

- It's true, he is.

Sometimes I think it's the only

reason we keep trying.

- So you guys have kids?

- Sometimes.

- How about you?

- Kids? With her?

No, no, oh hell, no.

- I can't have kids.

Oh, that's.

That's really too bad.

Kids are amazing.

- Yeah.

- We just love ours to death.

They're terrific.

Until they start causing trouble.

You know, hmm.

- And you know, we keep trying like fools.

- Honey, what's wrong?

- Oh, it kicked me.

Again!

- God damn it,

the little shit doesn't respect you.

We try and we try.

Why won't you listen?

- I am done with this.

I can't do it anymore.

I am so sick of my kids

not listening to me!

Oh, oh, God.

I really am a terrible mother, oh.

- Honey, I'm, I'm sorry I yelled.

Listen, when we get home,

I'll take care of it.

And then as soon as I'm done,

I'll fry you up a nice steak.

You like that?

- Hmm, really?

- Of course, your happiness

is my number one priority.

It'll be just like we're eating filet mignon.

- I love you so much.

- I love you too.

- Even I think this is fucked up.

- Sabiah told me a story about these two.

It is time to get out of this car.

Hey, drop us off up there?

- Of course.

Are you sure I can't give you a ride into town?

No, thanks, we're good.

Enjoy your child.

- We will.

- So if all of these stories actually happened...

- Of course, a story can't be told

that hasn't happened

in the past, present, or future.

- So you're saying we're living

in a documentary then?

- That's an interesting philofo-point you just made.

I hadn't thought of that.

- You're past my time.

Think that's how I pay.

But it's about that time.

The ritual is complain!

- Wait, you liked that last story?

I have another one.

- I don't know.

This anthology's already way

longer than that first one.

- Trust me, you're gonna love this one.

It's right up your alley.

- What's it about?

- It's a surprise.

It goes like this.

- When painting the female form,

pay close attention to the portions

from hips to waist.

Grip the brush firmly, press lightly.

The proper technique comes from emotion.

Sensuality, all right,

that's it for today, everybody.

On Wednesday, we'll continue

painting the female form.

Be sure to grab some refreshments

on your way out.

- Hey, man boobs, over here.

- His name's Billy.

- Whatever, man boobs.

You think our model over here

is into chicks are dudes?

- Don't.

Don't talk about her like that.

- See, be respectful, man.

- All of you, stay away from her.

She's mine.

- Whoa there, Columbine.

Being a bit aggressive, don't you think?

And besides, I don't think you've got a shot

unless she's into Lurch from "The Addams Family".

- If I hear you talk that way about her again,

I'll kill you.

- Okay, let's just ease down a bit.

- This is all good, Sasquatch.

No harm, no foul.

- I'm sorry, it was just a joke.

Well, what a psycho.

Looks like you've got some competition, bro.

That's it for today, everybody.

On Friday, we'll be focusing

on objects surrounding the female form.

So brush up on your still live.

- Had fun?

- Yeah, I can't paint hair.

- Yeah, well, from the looks of it,

you can't draw boobs either,

or arms, or legs, or faces.

Hey.

- I'm just kidding, calm down.

- I don't know, maybe I'm not

cut out for this artist thing.

- Well, you know, practice does make perfect.

- Yeah, good point.

- Fine that, so what?

No Tim today or?

- Hmm, no, maybe his wife finally had enough

and chopped his balls off.

- Well, won't that just be a blessing

to women everywhere?

Well, he's gonna be super pissed.

I'll tell you why.

I'm about to go ask her out.

- Seriously?

- The worst she can say is no, right?

- Yeah, absolutely, good luck.

- Thanks, see you later.

- Go out sometime, eat some chicken fingers

for a good time.

- Oh.

Is it okay if I go find you?

- Exactly, that's cool.

- All right. - I'll call you.

- Okay.

- Okay, I'll see you later.

- Oh, shit.

- Oh, um, don't you hate it

when that happens?

- I didn't get any on you, did I?

- No, not at all.

Here, take another one.

Oh, thanks.

- So what's your name?

- Ah, John, sorry.

- Genoa, nice to meet you.

- Genoa, that's an interesting name.

- Oh yeah, it's Hawaiian.

When my mom gave birth to me,

she fell off the side of the bed

and hit her knee,

so it means knee in Hawaiian.

- Oh. - I guess she thought

it was a sign or something.

- Well, it's a beautiful name,

even if you are probably bad luck.

Sorry, I haven't had a chance to catch

you after class to say hello.

- I see you and your friends

hang out after class.

I mean, I probably should have stopped by,

but it's a little bit awkward

since you've all seen my breasts.

Sorry, that was just to break the ice.

- No, no, no, no, it's fine.

It's, I just, I wasn't expecting that.

- Here.

- Thanks. - Sure.

So can I see it?

- See what?

- Your painting of me?

- Oh, oh, you know, it's,

it's not quite ready yet.

- Oh, come on, let me see it.

- I'm not very good.

- Please.

- You really don't know

how to draw women, do you?

- No, that's exactly

what my friend, Abigail, said.

- Oh, she's the one who saw me the other day.

- Yeah, she didn't show up for class today.

Maybe she was too embarrassed to come back.

- She was so sweet,

but you know what?

That happens more often than you'd think.

I guess it comes with the territory.

- Hey, would you like to get coffee sometime?

Like, like real coffee,

like in an actual coffee shop,

or something that is if you're not,

if you're not seeing somebody already.

- Sure, how about Monday night after class?

- That's great, yeah, I'll be there.

Yes.

Billy, what are you doing here?

- I told you to stay away from her.

- Look, I don't know

what your problem is with me.

And how did you find out

where I live? - She's mine.

Do you understand me?

- Did you say something to Tim and Abigail?

- Nobody understands.

I'm the only one that gets her.

I see her in the paintings, blood everywhere.

It's the blood.

Blood is key to the female form.

Blood is life, life is art.

The only way I can create

is to use the blood.

- Billy, who are you talking to?

- I'm gonna say this for the last time.

Stay away from her,

or you'll be sorry.

Understand me?

- Oh, oh, wow.

That's, that's pretty rough.

I'm exhausted.

- Oh, it gets the blood running.

- Oh, I'm not complaining.

Just have to give me a second

to recharge if you want that again.

- John, I gotta freshen up.

Try not to move too much.

Sure.

I didn't know that you're a painter.

- Took me a long time before I got to a point

where I was any good.

I almost gave up.

But you know what they say about your dreams?

You don't have to be good at them,

as long as they make you happy.

And it took me even longer

to figure out the key to making it all work.

The key is the pigment.

It's the pigment that needs to be sensual.

It's the pigment that needs

to be imbued with emotions.

The shade of red, the hue of life.

And you can only get it from one place.

Problem is getting the blood hot enough,

like a fondue.

Hmm, perfect temperature.

Be still, you'll be my best work yet.

- To accurately portray the male form,

one must use the brush

as an extension of oneself.

The female form was one of softness.

The male, hardness.

Do not overthink the brush.

The male form is primal, lust, rage, strength.

These are the characteristics of the male form.

Genoa, that's incredible.

The color is eye-popping.

I've never seen such

an exhilarating shade of red before.

Wherever did you come across it?

- I mixed it up with an artist

I used to model for.

- Beautiful place you have here.

- I know, cheese?

- Yes, please.

- So did the storm pass you by as well?

- Oh yes, not a drop.

Just one really loud thunder crack.

He's compensating, big talk over in two seconds.

Trust me, I know.

- He?

So tell me.

So rare that I receive visitors.

What's a strapping young man like yourself

doing on my doorstep?

- We're looking for a friend.

- Oh?

- The cheese is delicious.

- Have some wine, dear.

- Cheese, Jeff?

- Ah, yeah.

So do you happen to have a car we can borrow?

How did you know my name is Jeff?

- Oh, I know everything.

And yes, I do have a car.

But trust me, you'd be much better off

staying here, I think.

- I don't, I don't feel so good.

- Mahktoonah!

- Don't move.

You don't need Sabiah to be happy.

- Excuse me?

- Look around, I have a beautiful home,

a fortune in the bank.

All of this could be yours, including me.

All I want is a man to love me

and stay with me, forever.

- You have something on your face.

- What?

- Could you stop doing that?

- Oh, I don't understand.

No man can resist me.

What kind of sorcery is this?

Why aren't you blindly following my commands?

- Probably because this!

Shit, I'm gonna have to use a wish here.

Gotta be careful how I word this.

I wish that Mahktoonah was not a pig anymore.

Are you fucking serious?

That's been wished before? Fuck.

Okay, take two.

I wish that Mahktoonah was exactly

how she was immediately before she ate

the hor cheese.

- Holy cow or pig, holy pig!

Did you know that pig city

entire world in terms of bacon?

- Really?

- It was like you were just sitting there

looking like a giant slab of bacon.

I just wanted to lick and bite you all over.

- Don't worry, you'll get your chance.

- What?

- Nothing, so we have to get to the Oracle.

This horny dead cheese bitch

said she has a car.

Let's go check it out.

- Let's do it.

- Wait, I wanna hear one final story.

- You've wasted enough time.

- Please, just one more.

You're so good at telling stories.

- Fine, but this is the last one.

- For sure.

- Are you wondering how a girl like me

ended up in a situation like this,

shot and running from a bounty hunter?

Well, sit back and relax

because I have one hell of a story to tell.

Look, Brigid.

I just need a little bit

more time to get the money.

- Nora, dear, you are wonderfully talented,

the best in fact.

And if you had your head on straight,

you could be sitting behind this desk

instead of in front of it.

- Please, I can get it by tonight.

I'll just-

- You'll just what?

Skim more off the top?

Take more of what is mine?

I let you exist because I can.

All I have to do is glance up at her,

and she will spend the next minute

slicing through that pretty little neck of yours

until it's separated from your body.

And then, you know what I'll do?

I'll have it mounted right up there.

So that the next thief

who feels like they deserve more

than the life that I allow them to have

will think twice before their predilection

for games of chance gets the better of them.

Step away.

You know Veronica Payne, correct?

- The congresswoman's wife?

I've heard of her, yeah.

- She has an object of great value that I want,

and you are going to get it for me.

- She's government, protected at all times

by an army of Secret Service.

Anything she has will be impossible

to find, let alone, get.

This is way beyond a bank robbery.

- Nora, give yourself more credit.

I'm sure you'll figure something out.

It'll be in a box in her bedroom.

You have two weeks.

- How will I know what I'm looking for?

- Oh, you'll know it when you see it.

Upon completion of this job,

I will consider ourselves even,

and we'll go our separate ways.

However, if you fail, well,

I supposed I'll be seeing you every day.

- I would have preferred to have

my throat slit right then and there.

Oh shit.

But I'm a thief, the best.

I took it as a personal challenge.

- This is impossible, even for you.

- I agree, but Mal, if I don't

do something, anything, I'm dead.

You're lucky you're talking to me right now.

- Breaking into the house

is out of the question?

- They have security for their security.

Ground sensors to detect motion,

laser trip wires around the entire perimeter,

and at least 30 armed guards

who always have sight lines with one another.

Even if I were to somehow figure out

a way to get past all of that,

I can't prepare for that in two weeks.

There's just not enough time.

- Then you have to get out of here.

Pack a bag and run.

Go somewhere where she can't find you.

- You know I don't run.

- What are you gonna do?

- The only way I'm getting into that house

is if I go through the front door.

- No, no, you can't be serious.

- Mal, I know how I'm getting out of this.

Grab some coffee,

we've got a long night of planning ahead of us.

I was caught in a whirlpool,

struggling to keep my head above the black water.

- So what makes you think

you're qualified for this job?

- Well, Mrs. Payne, I have always admired you

and really believe in the ideals that you

and your wife stand for.

- Is that so?

- And I am adept at making phone calls,

scheduling meetings, and the like.

For a time, I was a secretary

at Abbott Private Investigations.

- I don't care about your experience

answering phones or how adept

you are with taking notes.

I can find any woman to do those trivialities.

After all, you wouldn't

have gotten all dolled up

if all you wanted to be

was my personal assistant.

- Yes, Mrs. Payne.

- So you know what the job entails then?

You've heard the whispers, the rumors?

- I have.

- And you're not afraid?

- To be honest, it's exactly

what I've been looking for.

- It's a dangerous world, Nora.

But if you think you can handle it,

be at my place Monday night at seven.

Don't be late.

- Of course, I had heard the stories.

Veronica Payne,

a serial murderer.

And maybe a demon.

Once I heard a homeless guy

saying he saw her turn into a wild beast.

People would see girls go inside her mansion

and never be seen again.

- Are you sure this is what you came here for?

- Yes.

- Then shut the door.

- It was only later on

that I'd come to find out exactly

what made Veronica Payne so dangerous.

What created all those whispers

in the night of dead girls

and the corruption of power,

they never should have shut that door.

Mallory!

- Nora, watch out!

- Impeccable timing, Mal.

- Oh, my God, you've been shot.

- I've had worse.

- Funny.

Er, time to go.

- I had what I needed.

The only thing left was to return

to Brigid to settle my debts.

- I assume you got it.

I never doubted you could.

You always are the best.

- What is it?

- Power.

- Who did this to you?

You know.

But she'll come for you now.

I'm sure she will soon.

- No, she won't.

At least you'll be one less problem.

- You think, you think

you're safe from me?

- Brigid had hired Lilith to take me out.

That was her insurance policy,

and I would have been had you not shown up.

- But how did Veronica know

that Brigid was involved?

And what did you find in the box?

Nora, it's healed, what happened?

- Veronica showed me what

she has shown so many others.

- Nora, what is she doing here?

What is this?

- Nora belongs to me now.

As I do for all my girls,

I like to be there for their first kill.

- What did she do to you?

- I improved her.

- Mal, you have no idea what's coming.

You don't wanna be here when it happens.

This is better for you.

- Please.

- Do it, Nora.

- Please tell me we're close.

- We should be there soon.

Oh, but we've got time for one more story.

Okay, but make it a good one.

So far, they've all fit together pretty neatly.

Almost like they're part of a greater mythology.

- Oh, so you're ready for the final story?

♪ Hit me baby one more time ♪

- Wish to take that joke back.

- They can't all be winners.

- I must confess, I'm a fan.

Abigail, your work breathes

with the raw intensity

unlike anything I've seen in years.

- Thank you, Mr. Randolph.

Coming from you, that means everything.

- Oh, it's also come to my attention

that your little troupe has lost its funding,

along with that tiny theater of yours.

- Asshole rented it out from underneath us.

- Perhaps that's where I can be of service.

Now, as you know,

I am a patron of the arts.

One with a boundary-pushing taste,

such as your works.

Tell me, are you working

on something at the moment?

- Um, yeah, I'm in the middle of something new.

Just needs to get polished,

and we can start rehearsals.

- Shit.

- I can see the new place coming along well.

- I'm bankrupt up here.

But I had to tell him something, didn't I?

The troupe is depending on me.

- Not everything has to be some incredible

new groundbreaking piece of originality.

Lots of people enjoy mediocrity.

- Mr. Randolph isn't paying for mediocrity.

Maybe I just need a new muse.

- So that's how it's gonna be, huh.

- What are you doing?

- Desperate times and all.

- No, no way.

- Come on, Abby.

Your father wouldn't mind.

I'm sure he's got something in here

that'll get those sexy brain juices flowing.

- Audrey, I'm not gonna steal my father's ideas.

It's bad enough I've lived my whole life

underneath his shadow,

especially after what happened.

Besides, I lost the key.

- There is no key.

Holy shit.

This is it, isn't it?

The surviving copy.

- Careful, I'm not sure

if he wrote it because he was insane

or if writing it drove him insane.

- Abby, we have to do this.

- Even if I wanted to do it,

there's no third act, it burned up.

- You could write a third act.

I bet you could piece it together with his notes.

Put your own spin on it.

You won't be stealing from your father,

you'd be collaborating with him.

- I've spent my whole life running from this.

It's why I changed my name.

- Babe, when you run from something,

you don't lug it around with you

from city to city.

Who is it?

- Mr. Randolph, he found a space,

wants to know when we can start rehearsals.

What are we gonna do?

- How's it coming?

- I'm almost there.

I just need to keep going.

- How about a little pick me up?

Abby!

Are you okay?

- I'm fine, it's just,

I guess the pressure is just getting to me.

I just need some sleep.

- What's wrong?

- It's I'm just so tired.

I can't see straight.

- I'll make some coffee.

- I mean it's not Carnegie Hall,

but I've played worse.

- Hey Morgan, you forgot the drill for the props.

- Oh yeah, I was busy, sorry.

- First, the bad news.

I told Mr. Randolph,

we'd be ready for curtain up

in a little over a week.

That means we have a lot of work to do.

The good news is I think

he's going to be impressed.

I'll be playing the artist.

Audrey will be playing the whisperer.

Morgan, you'll be playing the witness.

Charles, the bard.

And Lavinia, the sacrifice.

- Is this for real?

Are you for real?

This can't be for real.

- I can't believe that Abby's father

is Dashiell Pickman.

- You keep saying that like I'm supposed

to know who that is.

- He's infamous, I mean,

he came up in the '70s in New York,

the "Avant Garde" scene.

I saw him in a picture with David Bowie.

I mean, he hung out with Warhol

and his crew, that's amazing.

- That's pretty cool, I guess.

- He joined a doomsday cult.

He studied witchcraft, black magic.

They say he put esoteric

incantations in his dialogue.

This play, the one that we're doing right now,

it has got some really bad mojo with it.

- I just don't get it.

So the third act is some kind of ritual.

- It's more than that.

- It's a bunch of gibberish shit

that it's not even part of our dictionary.

- Just say the damn lines.

- I don't just say fucking lines.

Unlike you, I'm an actor.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- There are two types of ians.

While you may be a lesbian,

you are no thespian.

- Stop, look, we have five days

to get this right, just five days.

So stop acting like a couple of divas

and do the fucking work.

- Pretty good.

- You see, the first and only time

they did this play, when the curtain went down,

the entire cast disappeared, vanished.

No one has ever heard from them since.

And Pickman, Abby's dad,

they found him the next day in his hotel room,

and his body was ripped to shreds.

- Where'd she go, Audrey?

- Where did everyone go?

- Is this a part of the play?

- What the fuck is that?

- What?

- I'm getting the hell outta here.

- What's his problem?

- What happened to the moon?

What happened to it?

- Is he tripping?

- We need to go back inside.

- Jesus Christ, what the hell is that?

- Come on.

- But who are they?

- Run.

- I think I'm gonna be sick.

- What the fuck is going on?

There's nothing there.

- Come on, Charles, we need to go!

- Go?

But they're calling to us.

Did you ever think madness

could sound so beautiful?

- Charles.

Audrey, what is going on?

- Letting out what is trapped within the flesh.

Behold her truth.

We applaud you, Abigail.

You and your truth have managed

what your father cannot.

He only poked a tiny hole in the cosmos.

You have patched humanities

into higher existence

into a liminal state.

Now, thanks to you,

mankind will be forced to face

the truth of their existence.

Now, let's behold the truth in your flesh.

- Where'd they go?

- I don't know, that was weird, right?

Gave me a headache.

What?

- And then the entire world died screaming.

Well, what'd you think?

- Well, your stories are way better

than your sister's.

Of course, this is where the Oracle resides.

I mean, why wouldn't it be?

- How do you know if she's a she?

Maybe she's a he or he's a she.

Not up to me, you see.

I have to be "I Dream of Jeannie".

- You realize this is just a farmhouse

with a sign in the yard, right?

Should we knock?

- No need, you're right on time.

- I, we're here to...

- I know, you want to know the location of Sabiah

and how to save her?

- Wow, she really can see the future.

- Go ahead and select a card.

Just one though.

- To what end?

- If you want to know Sabiah's location,

select a card.

Whatever.

Seriously?

- She said it wouldn't take long.

- Come on, you need to pick your weapon.

- My weapon?

Cool beans, every year,

I'll get some magical weapon on a journey

that they used to vanquish the enemy.

This is so exciting!

- Follow me into my bedroom.

- Better well steer off that one.

- Holy guacamole.

- I can pick anything?

- The first item in this room that you touch

will be the weapon of your choosing.

So don't fuck it up!

This sword actually killed Emperor Situ

in 1492 BC in China.

Ooh, this looks comfy.

- The decision has been made.

- Wait, what?

Mahktoonah, what did you?

- Sabiah, oh, geez.

That looks like it hurts.

- Here goes nothing.

- What the hell are you two doing here?

- We came to rescue you.

What did you do to yourself?

- You wouldn't believe the wishes

I've had to deal with.

- Do I need to talk to mom?

- You know what, little sis,

I don't need to answer to you or mom.

You think just 'cause your

perky little tits came in,

that you're gonna be a better genie than me?

- Honestly, I don't know

what Jeff sees in you.

Maybe he'd be better off with me.

- You little whore!

- I'm a whore?

Everyone knows what you did

with the Sultan of Agba.

- You bitch!

- Oh, yeah!

Come back here.

- No, no one likes you.

Give me all those slap back.

- Oh, shit!

- No, my face!

I'm a monster!

- Mahktoonah, your pillow!

- I'm gonna fucking kill you guys!

You hit me with a pillow?

A fucking pillow?

We're gonna go to your house

and have a fucking sleepover?

- You brought a pillow to a knife fight?

It's a long story.

Doesn't look like it quite worked in our favor.

- Some rescue.

- It's the thought that counts.

You know I went through 30 microwaved pizzas

before I realized you weren't coming back.

- I think I love you.

- Jeff, you still have one wish left.

- Ah, this is a damn pillow.

I'm fucking deathly allergic to geese.

Oh, you fucking dick.

- It's a goose cow pillow, motherfucker.

Suck down those particles.

Oh, wait, you can't,

because your airways are constricting.

Oh, I'm the hero.

I'm the goddamn hero!

I may be dying, but I.

I might be dying but I still have my last wish.

I wish you have the whole world

swallowed into a darkness that consumes it,

and everybody dies a horrible death.

Oh, God!

- Granted.

- No.

- He just doomed the entire world!

- Why would you grant that wish?

- Nobody's actually ever wished for that before?

- Are you fucking serious?

No one's ever wished

for the end of the goddamn world.

- Why waste a wish on something

that's already that fucked up?

- So what's gonna happen now?

- A future with a lot of bad movies.

- Jeff, you can still stop this madness.

You still have your final wish.

You can save everyone, the whole world!

Sabiah, I've waited for this moment

for almost three days since you disappeared

from my living room.

I've gone on this journey

just to find you and get that third wish,

so I can spend all of eternity

having amazing sexual escapades with you.

- And me, I want in on that too.

- I don't think so, slut.

- There's enough of me for everyone.

I feel it's only right that I show both of you

every pleasure that an earthly man can give.

- Jeff, what are you saying?

The world is going to die.

There will be no need for jizz anymore.

You will literally cause the end of everything.

- That's true but you know what they say?

You either die hero

or live long enough to see yourself

become a goddamn sexual tyrannosaurus!

- Or that.

- YOLO, bro.

Mahktoonah, I wish to be a genie!

- Done!

♪ Oh, let the night lights go out too ♪

♪ While the daylight breaks in too ♪

♪ 100 microscopes to do ♪

♪ 1,000 pictures all into ♪

♪ Once the watch kits turn around ♪

♪ Well, I could track all that down ♪

♪ Like we're nothing here at home ♪

♪ Like there's nothing here but home ♪

♪ Well, don't you wanna be close ♪

♪ Again, don't you wanna be well ♪

♪ When you use the microscope ♪

♪ Another microscope ♪

♪ You know everything and I know the rest ♪

♪ Change everyday, I just haven't yet ♪

♪ It's a little hard to learn ♪

♪ When every books had burned ♪

♪ But you are never worth ♪

♪ More than what you were ♪

♪ Well, let the okay feel brand new ♪

♪ And every suspect shimmering through ♪

♪ So as sunlight breaks through ♪

♪ There will still be shade with you ♪

♪ In case you wanna be close ♪

♪ Again, and if you wanna be ill ♪

♪ When you look too close ♪

♪ With the microscope ♪

♪ Well, don't you wanna be close ♪

♪ Again, and if you wanna be ill ♪

♪ When you're not too close ♪

♪ With the microscope ♪