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♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
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00:00:04,288 --> 00:00:07,172
♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:07,365 --> 00:00:11,068
♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪
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♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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I won a chain saw.
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What?
What are you talking about?
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Some lady up the block
is giving away
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all of her husband's stuff
'cause he shot himself
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-in the face.
-Oh, my God!
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I've seen that lady.
He did the right thing.
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That's also how we got
this couch.
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Basically everything
in this house
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is Christmas suicide furniture.
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Donna, they had a bullhorn.
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I don't know why,
but they had a bullhorn.
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DONNA:
Cleveland, it's time for lunch.
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What do I want? Sammich!
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When do I want it? Now!
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♪ I ain't eatin' no Lipton soup. ♪
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So, kids, Bonnie just told me
about the neatest thing.
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It's called a podcast.
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I guess it's like a-a radio show
on your phone.
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Have you heard of these?
Podcasts.
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Yeah, Mom,
we know what podcasts are.
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Huh. (chuckles)
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I guess these types of things
take a while to reach the moms.
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I'll have to let Bonnie know.
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(dialing)
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(beep)
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BONNIE:
Wow, really?
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Mom, Stewie needs
his sausage cut
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and his butter spread.
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Here, let me get that
for you, buddy.
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(buzzing)
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(screams)
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There you go.
Eat up, little guy.
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00:02:10,289 --> 00:02:13,023
Damn it, Peter.
You ruined Stewie's chair.
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(pager vibrates)
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And Bonnie wants to know
what all the noise is.
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-Amazing.
-Ooh.
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-Wow, it's Willem Dafoe!
-That's right.
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00:02:26,188 --> 00:02:28,630
Since Willem Dafoe
has more bones in his face
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than most people have
in their entire body,
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he's perfect for carving,
'cause the angles are so sharp.
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It's beautiful, Peter.
51
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Yeah, I just love William Dafoe.
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It's not "William,"
it's "Willem."
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Yeah, that's what I said.
"William."
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He was in Spider-Man
with Kristin Dunst.
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-Kirsten Dunst.
-Right. Kirsten Dunce.
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-It's not "Dunce," it's "Dunst."
-Yeah, Kristin Dunce.
57
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In the movie,
she dated William Dafoe's son.
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00:02:48,744 --> 00:02:51,745
Spell it, Joe! Spell
what you are saying right now.
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Well, I'll give it a shot.
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K-Y- R-H...
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00:02:58,703 --> 00:03:01,087
Look, there's a reason I became
a cop and not a spellman.
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-A what?
-A spellman.
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00:03:03,058 --> 00:03:05,242
-"Spellman" is not a thing, Joe!
-Sure it is.
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Fireman, longshoreman, spellman.
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Stop me when I'm wrong.
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00:03:09,264 --> 00:03:11,356
-He's getting too many right.
-Now I'm starting to think
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00:03:11,549 --> 00:03:12,858
there is such a thing
as a spellman.
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00:03:13,009 --> 00:03:14,100
PETER:
Hey, guys. Check it out.
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-It's Groot.
-Oh, yeah.
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-From that Marble movie.
-(sighs)
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What are you doing?!
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-Turn that chain saw off!
-Not a chance, Lois.
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You know how hard it was
to get that thing started?
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It was even worse than trying to
cover anything with Saran Wrap.
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(crinkling)
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00:03:43,057 --> 00:03:44,640
(groans)
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(sighs)
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00:04:00,691 --> 00:04:02,366
(sighs)
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00:04:05,696 --> 00:04:07,704
(grunting)
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00:04:12,795 --> 00:04:14,378
(sighs)
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00:04:15,923 --> 00:04:17,422
(sighs)
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00:04:19,927 --> 00:04:21,969
(sighs)
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(grunts)
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00:04:35,258 --> 00:04:37,109
(groans):
Oh.
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00:04:54,077 --> 00:04:56,086
(sighs)
86
00:05:02,386 --> 00:05:03,969
(sighs)
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00:05:05,180 --> 00:05:07,973
(grunting)
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(sighs) Perfect.
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00:05:21,679 --> 00:05:24,230
Can't wait to throw that out
in two weeks.
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00:05:24,383 --> 00:05:26,450
(chain saw buzzing)
91
00:05:33,784 --> 00:05:36,409
Peter!
What's going on out here?!
92
00:05:36,562 --> 00:05:38,653
Oh, hey, Lois.
I'm just hollowing out this tree
93
00:05:38,756 --> 00:05:40,172
for the Keebler elves
to live in.
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00:05:40,323 --> 00:05:41,915
-Awesome!
-I know, right?
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00:05:42,067 --> 00:05:43,508
Gonna get us a lifetime supply
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00:05:43,701 --> 00:05:46,753
of fresh-baked-but-still-stale
supermarket cookies.
97
00:05:46,847 --> 00:05:50,057
All right,
time for a little elfin magic.
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00:05:56,714 --> 00:05:59,749
Ow! Oh! My arm!
Oh, son of a bitch!
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00:05:59,851 --> 00:06:02,152
(wood crackling)
100
00:06:09,611 --> 00:06:11,761
-Oh, my God!
-Mom, look.
101
00:06:11,822 --> 00:06:13,747
(chittering)
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Aw. Poor thing
must've been living in the tree.
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00:06:18,120 --> 00:06:19,711
(chittering)
104
00:06:19,904 --> 00:06:22,530
-And its foot seems hurt.
-It's even worse than that.
105
00:06:22,591 --> 00:06:25,625
It looks like the tree landed
on its parents and killed them.
106
00:06:25,777 --> 00:06:27,219
Nobody touch
the smooshed squirrel bodies!
107
00:06:27,412 --> 00:06:30,037
Ooh, I got to get my camera.
108
00:06:30,099 --> 00:06:32,557
That girl is one giant red flag.
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00:06:32,726 --> 00:06:35,143
Stewie,
this squirrel needs help.
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I wonder if...
m-maybe I could take care of it.
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I don't know if you should do it
on your own.
112
00:06:41,610 --> 00:06:44,051
-Could be a lot of work.
-(chittering)
113
00:06:44,113 --> 00:06:46,387
Would... would you
do it with me?
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Well, I-I don't think it...
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(chittering)
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♪ ♪
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You know what? I think
that's a marvelous idea, Chris.
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I daresay we would make
outstanding parents
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-to this squirrel.
-Hey there, Griffin boys.
120
00:07:03,148 --> 00:07:05,757
I saw this tree go down.
Any loot in it?
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00:07:05,950 --> 00:07:07,834
Elven treasures?
122
00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:09,836
Uh, no.
123
00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:12,505
Hey, Donna,
the tree's just regular.
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DONNA:
Go to work, Cleveland!
125
00:07:21,275 --> 00:07:23,333
Well, somebody's
getting big and strong.
126
00:07:23,393 --> 00:07:25,092
Did you hear
that one vet technician
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say our little squirrel here
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00:07:26,804 --> 00:07:29,856
was in the 70th percentile
for height and weight?
129
00:07:29,950 --> 00:07:31,816
No. Which vet tech said that?
130
00:07:31,952 --> 00:07:33,434
The one with the neck tattoo.
131
00:07:33,454 --> 00:07:35,620
-Which one with the neck tattoo?
-The one we saw
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smoking in the parking lot
when we were leaving.
133
00:07:37,882 --> 00:07:39,849
Again, you're gonna
have to be more specific.
134
00:07:39,910 --> 00:07:42,018
The one wearing pajama bottoms
as pants.
135
00:07:42,120 --> 00:07:44,354
-Sorry, I don't...
-The girl one!
136
00:07:44,414 --> 00:07:47,190
Oh, yeah, with the half-shaved
head. She was nice.
137
00:07:47,250 --> 00:07:49,509
Well, I'll bet
this cutie is hungry.
138
00:07:52,806 --> 00:07:54,380
Wh-What are you doing?
139
00:07:54,475 --> 00:07:56,199
Don't film me. Film the baby.
140
00:07:56,259 --> 00:07:58,201
But you're both so cute.
141
00:07:58,261 --> 00:08:00,220
This role, it-it suits you.
142
00:08:00,355 --> 00:08:02,222
It's like you've been waiting
your whole life
143
00:08:02,316 --> 00:08:03,556
to be this person.
144
00:08:03,650 --> 00:08:05,317
Shush,
you're going to make me cry.
145
00:08:05,510 --> 00:08:07,877
-(high-pitched fart)
-Aw! He made a little toot.
146
00:08:07,938 --> 00:08:11,656
That was me. It was
one of my cross-legged ones.
147
00:08:12,776 --> 00:08:15,494
I should probably
stop recording.
148
00:08:19,691 --> 00:08:22,242
Well, if it's your elbow
that's bothering you,
149
00:08:22,394 --> 00:08:24,169
we should start
by checking your reflexes.
150
00:08:24,320 --> 00:08:25,778
-(shouts)
-(screams)
151
00:08:25,839 --> 00:08:27,397
-Okay, they seem all right.
-Oh, that's good.
152
00:08:27,457 --> 00:08:29,323
But you got to help me.
My arm really hurts.
153
00:08:29,384 --> 00:08:31,325
It all started
after I got a chain saw.
154
00:08:31,345 --> 00:08:33,011
Hmm, is that right?
155
00:08:33,204 --> 00:08:35,663
Well, it sounds to me like
you may have Chain Saw Elbow.
156
00:08:35,724 --> 00:08:38,683
-"Chain Saw Elbow"?
-Yes, it's all explained
157
00:08:38,876 --> 00:08:39,909
in this video.
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Hi, I'm Tommy Lee Jones.
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00:08:41,355 --> 00:08:43,021
Congratulations on suffering
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00:08:43,172 --> 00:08:45,265
from the coolest arm ailment there is:
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Chain Saw Elbow.
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As a celebrity dick, it's always been my passion
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to own a ranch in a low-tax state
164
00:08:51,815 --> 00:08:53,681
that I list as my primary residence.
165
00:08:53,742 --> 00:08:56,017
And when I'm not pouting at awards shows,
166
00:08:56,036 --> 00:08:57,761
I'm out in the field cutting firewood
167
00:08:57,821 --> 00:09:00,038
-for a staged Instagram post. -(camera clicks)
168
00:09:00,189 --> 00:09:02,949
Sometimes I overdo it, end up with Chain Saw Elbow.
169
00:09:03,101 --> 00:09:05,377
Now here's fellow ranch owner Dennis Quaid
170
00:09:05,570 --> 00:09:08,121
to discuss the dangers of Tractor Ass.
171
00:09:08,215 --> 00:09:10,790
So, you have Tractor Ass.
172
00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:13,459
Okay, so how much
synthetic opioid do you need?
173
00:09:13,554 --> 00:09:15,945
I'm trying to prescribe enough
to earn a fanny pack.
174
00:09:15,964 --> 00:09:17,630
A-Aren't there
any other options?
175
00:09:17,724 --> 00:09:19,799
Well, there's a trucker hat,
but those look stupid on me.
176
00:09:19,951 --> 00:09:22,635
You know, sometimes joint pain
is connected to back issues.
177
00:09:22,729 --> 00:09:24,971
Have you ever had
a chiropractic adjustment?
178
00:09:25,123 --> 00:09:26,456
-What's that?
-It's a procedure
179
00:09:26,558 --> 00:09:28,458
where a guy who couldn't
get into medical school
180
00:09:28,518 --> 00:09:30,476
-tries to rip your head off.
-Does it work?
181
00:09:30,629 --> 00:09:31,811
If you believe it works.
182
00:09:31,963 --> 00:09:33,387
It's kind of like
the Polar Express.
183
00:09:33,448 --> 00:09:35,723
-Let's do it!
-Okay, I'll give it a shot.
184
00:09:35,742 --> 00:09:37,984
But this type of thing
is usually done in strip malls
185
00:09:38,120 --> 00:09:40,495
next to a Little Caesars.
186
00:09:43,107 --> 00:09:45,083
-(grunting)
-(bones crackling)
187
00:09:49,923 --> 00:09:51,339
(gasps)
188
00:09:52,334 --> 00:09:53,833
Holy crap! What happened?
189
00:09:53,985 --> 00:09:56,243
Well, I think we simply found
your true height.
190
00:09:56,263 --> 00:09:58,579
Before years of poor posture
and wear and tear
191
00:09:58,640 --> 00:10:01,324
-crushed your spirit
and your spine.
-Wow.
192
00:10:01,384 --> 00:10:03,509
Mr. Griffin,
let's discuss risk factors.
193
00:10:03,604 --> 00:10:05,920
Do you lead a lifestyle
that's sedentary?
194
00:10:05,939 --> 00:10:07,254
Pet Sedentary?
195
00:10:07,357 --> 00:10:09,107
I'm saying you need
to strengthen your core
196
00:10:09,300 --> 00:10:10,516
and exercise regularly.
197
00:10:10,611 --> 00:10:13,570
-Is that the hat?
-Stupid, right?
198
00:10:16,675 --> 00:10:18,783
I know the holidays
are still months away,
199
00:10:18,935 --> 00:10:20,101
but I was just so excited
200
00:10:20,162 --> 00:10:22,269
to take
our family Christmas card photo.
201
00:10:22,331 --> 00:10:25,698
(chuckles):
Are you kidding? I love it.
202
00:10:25,851 --> 00:10:27,183
You know what, Chris?
203
00:10:27,243 --> 00:10:29,869
I feel like I'm ready
to start trying...
204
00:10:29,963 --> 00:10:32,738
to find another squirrel.
205
00:10:32,799 --> 00:10:33,857
What?
206
00:10:33,958 --> 00:10:36,192
Nothing. I just...
207
00:10:36,252 --> 00:10:39,028
I just hit the lottery
when I met you.
208
00:10:39,047 --> 00:10:40,363
Here's your photo.
209
00:10:40,423 --> 00:10:41,789
It's the only one
where the squirrel
210
00:10:41,808 --> 00:10:43,124
wasn't trying
to bite your hand.
211
00:10:43,185 --> 00:10:44,717
-(chuckles): Ooh!
-Oh, I love it!
212
00:10:44,811 --> 00:10:47,203
-How much do we owe you?
-It's fine. Just keep it.
213
00:10:47,263 --> 00:10:49,522
Sears just closed forever.
214
00:10:54,321 --> 00:10:56,045
Whoa! Peter, what happened?
215
00:10:56,106 --> 00:10:58,047
Did you tease that witch again?
216
00:10:58,066 --> 00:10:59,399
No, I got a back adjustment.
217
00:10:59,551 --> 00:11:01,217
Turns out
I've been this tall all along.
218
00:11:01,277 --> 00:11:03,386
-You don't say.
-Well, that's amazing.
219
00:11:03,405 --> 00:11:04,979
Why are you still wearing
the same pants?
220
00:11:05,040 --> 00:11:07,724
I don't know. I only get
pants at Christmas, so...
221
00:11:07,742 --> 00:11:09,225
I'll get pants at Christmas.
222
00:11:09,285 --> 00:11:11,986
-So, how is it being that tall?
-It's okay, I guess.
223
00:11:12,047 --> 00:11:14,989
Although I've noticed I'm a lot
more clumsy in the bedroom.
224
00:11:15,092 --> 00:11:16,824
(bed creaking)
225
00:11:16,927 --> 00:11:17,917
(lamp shatters)
226
00:11:18,069 --> 00:11:19,252
PETER:
I'm so sorry.
227
00:11:19,404 --> 00:11:21,638
You two keep going.
I'm gonna clean this up.
228
00:11:24,685 --> 00:11:26,075
(chittering)
229
00:11:26,136 --> 00:11:29,003
Stewie! Stewie, come quick!
230
00:11:29,064 --> 00:11:31,005
(gasps) Its first steps?
231
00:11:31,066 --> 00:11:32,524
We've got to film this!
232
00:11:32,717 --> 00:11:34,100
I know, I know!
233
00:11:34,194 --> 00:11:36,152
(chittering)
234
00:11:38,681 --> 00:11:39,847
Look at that!
235
00:11:39,908 --> 00:11:41,424
Oh, I'm going to cry!
236
00:11:41,484 --> 00:11:43,443
I've never felt this proud.
237
00:11:43,595 --> 00:11:45,853
That's going on Instagram
right now.
238
00:11:45,914 --> 00:11:48,206
Totally! But we should
pair it with a song
239
00:11:48,399 --> 00:11:50,116
about steps or walking.
240
00:11:50,210 --> 00:11:52,785
Oh, my God, yes.
"Walking on Sunshine."
241
00:11:52,938 --> 00:11:54,120
Oh, that would sell it.
242
00:11:54,256 --> 00:11:56,214
Sell what?
That we're totally cliché?
243
00:11:56,407 --> 00:11:59,200
-How about "Step by Step"?
-New Kids on the Block?
244
00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:00,885
No. The Eddie Rabbitt version.
245
00:12:01,054 --> 00:12:02,703
And have people think we're 100?
246
00:12:02,764 --> 00:12:03,963
Let's do "Walking in Memphis."
247
00:12:04,115 --> 00:12:05,706
I will concede
that's a good song,
248
00:12:05,767 --> 00:12:08,468
but we don't live in Memphis,
so I find it confusing.
249
00:12:08,562 --> 00:12:10,061
What about
"Walk Like an Egyptian"?
250
00:12:10,254 --> 00:12:11,955
Well, we don't live
in Egypt either.
251
00:12:12,015 --> 00:12:14,290
Ah. Hoisted on my own petard.
252
00:12:14,392 --> 00:12:15,900
"Nobody Walks in L.A."
253
00:12:16,093 --> 00:12:17,384
Again, we do not live in L.A.
254
00:12:17,487 --> 00:12:20,387
Ooh, let's do "I Love L.A."!
255
00:12:20,407 --> 00:12:21,722
Do you know what?
256
00:12:21,825 --> 00:12:23,132
This is going to surprise you,
Chris,
257
00:12:23,193 --> 00:12:24,075
but I agree with you.
258
00:12:24,268 --> 00:12:26,986
Let's use "I Love L.A."
259
00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:29,655
♪ I love L.A. ♪
260
00:12:29,750 --> 00:12:32,233
-(laughs) It's perfect!
-♪ We love it! ♪
261
00:12:32,252 --> 00:12:34,568
Yes, this will really
tell people that...
262
00:12:34,629 --> 00:12:36,713
-(growling)
-(squeaking)
-♪ I love L.A. ♪
263
00:12:38,374 --> 00:12:40,258
♪ We love it! ♪
264
00:12:41,285 --> 00:12:44,179
♪ I love L.A. ♪
265
00:12:50,103 --> 00:12:52,253
Thank you all for coming today.
266
00:12:52,314 --> 00:12:55,681
It means a lot to Stewie and me
that you would be here.
267
00:12:55,776 --> 00:12:56,849
I got this, Chris.
268
00:12:56,943 --> 00:12:58,592
Everyone, after the service,
269
00:12:58,612 --> 00:13:00,353
you are all invited
to a small reception
270
00:13:00,489 --> 00:13:02,614
to honor our beloved squirrel.
271
00:13:02,765 --> 00:13:04,690
Nothing fancy.
Just acorns and puddle water.
272
00:13:04,785 --> 00:13:06,618
It'll take place
either on top of the fence
273
00:13:06,787 --> 00:13:07,952
or along a power line.
274
00:13:08,121 --> 00:13:09,454
But, first, please join me
275
00:13:09,623 --> 00:13:11,681
in a frozen-in-place moment
of silence,
276
00:13:11,741 --> 00:13:15,084
followed by a manic scattering
in all directions.
277
00:13:22,552 --> 00:13:24,552
(lively chatter)
278
00:13:26,306 --> 00:13:28,306
All right, the Quahog Fair.
279
00:13:28,499 --> 00:13:30,383
Hey, Peter,
would you get off your phone?
280
00:13:30,535 --> 00:13:32,535
Sorry, young girls
keep killing each other
281
00:13:32,595 --> 00:13:34,628
'cause they think
I'm the Slender Man now.
282
00:13:34,648 --> 00:13:36,130
-(festive organ music playing)
-Are-are you...
283
00:13:36,191 --> 00:13:37,723
are you telling them
to kill each other?
284
00:13:37,818 --> 00:13:39,359
It's just a goof.
285
00:13:42,197 --> 00:13:44,305
You sure
you're not too tall for this?
286
00:13:44,366 --> 00:13:46,699
Nah, it's gonna be great.
287
00:13:47,661 --> 00:13:50,495
♪ ♪
288
00:13:50,646 --> 00:13:51,888
-Yay!
-(thump)
289
00:13:51,906 --> 00:13:54,148
-MAN: Ow! Who kicked me?!
-Sorry!
290
00:13:54,209 --> 00:13:56,334
-What the hell?!
-PETER: My bad.
291
00:13:56,527 --> 00:13:59,228
-Ow! Who's doing that?
-It's that jerk up there!
292
00:13:59,247 --> 00:14:00,746
(cackling)
293
00:14:00,841 --> 00:14:03,024
(gasps) It's Slender Man!
294
00:14:03,093 --> 00:14:04,158
Kill yourselves!
295
00:14:04,219 --> 00:14:05,510
-Peter!
-Come on.
296
00:14:05,703 --> 00:14:07,161
It's just a goof.
297
00:14:07,222 --> 00:14:09,389
♪ ♪
298
00:14:18,641 --> 00:14:20,917
Don't you dare touch
its bedroom!
299
00:14:21,019 --> 00:14:22,752
The squirrel is gone, Stewie,
300
00:14:22,812 --> 00:14:25,271
and there's nothing we can do
to change that.
301
00:14:25,365 --> 00:14:27,273
Yes, thanks to you.
If it weren't for you,
302
00:14:27,367 --> 00:14:29,275
our sweet baby
would still be alive.
303
00:14:29,369 --> 00:14:31,110
-Me?
-That's right.
304
00:14:31,204 --> 00:14:32,612
If you hadn't kept the squirrel
up so late,
305
00:14:32,764 --> 00:14:34,113
none of this
would have happened.
306
00:14:34,207 --> 00:14:36,374
That squirrel
should have been in bed, Chris.
307
00:14:36,567 --> 00:14:38,543
It was 7:45!
308
00:14:38,736 --> 00:14:40,453
What? I'm not the one
309
00:14:40,605 --> 00:14:43,697
who just had to post the video
to Instagram that very second.
310
00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:46,609
You couldn't even enjoy
the moment for one damn minute
311
00:14:46,669 --> 00:14:49,220
before desperately groveling
for online approval
312
00:14:49,372 --> 00:14:50,630
from aunts you never talk to
313
00:14:50,724 --> 00:14:53,282
and past coworkers
you don't even like!
314
00:14:53,343 --> 00:14:55,284
Is that so?
Well, if you had a newer phone,
315
00:14:55,386 --> 00:14:57,470
it wouldn't have taken so long
to upload the video.
316
00:14:57,622 --> 00:15:01,290
Well, excuse me
for not having a fancier phone.
317
00:15:01,392 --> 00:15:03,142
I'm only a paperboy!
318
00:15:03,236 --> 00:15:06,487
Oh, I'm well aware
that you're only a paperboy.
319
00:15:08,816 --> 00:15:10,724
(grunting, chewing)
320
00:15:10,785 --> 00:15:13,302
Ah, perfect.
I see you're using again.
321
00:15:13,363 --> 00:15:15,304
Oh, I wonder why.
322
00:15:15,365 --> 00:15:17,490
And don't think I didn't smell
the Charleston Chew
323
00:15:17,584 --> 00:15:18,975
on your breath at the service.
324
00:15:18,993 --> 00:15:20,585
Maybe if you'd been
a little sharper
325
00:15:20,754 --> 00:15:22,311
on the evening in question,
we wouldn't be in this...
326
00:15:22,372 --> 00:15:24,480
I had four Skittles that night!
327
00:15:24,499 --> 00:15:25,757
That's not zero!
328
00:15:25,908 --> 00:15:27,592
You knew
there was a dog in the house.
329
00:15:27,761 --> 00:15:29,819
He's practically
your best friend!
330
00:15:29,837 --> 00:15:31,988
Or maybe even more than that.
331
00:15:32,090 --> 00:15:34,248
You shut your damn mouth!
332
00:15:34,267 --> 00:15:36,100
Oh, this is awful.
333
00:15:36,293 --> 00:15:40,496
Why does death seem so much
easier in the Rocky movies?
334
00:15:40,556 --> 00:15:41,831
Goodbye, Mick.
335
00:15:41,849 --> 00:15:42,607
(wheels squeaking)
336
00:15:43,893 --> 00:15:46,611
Oh, wai-- You're just gonna
put him in a drawer?
337
00:15:46,762 --> 00:15:49,505
-What are you, like, filing him?
-Yes, for tax reasons.
338
00:15:49,524 --> 00:15:50,506
Jews don't die.
339
00:15:50,525 --> 00:15:52,099
They just slowly depreciate
340
00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:54,768
and then are
eventually written off.
341
00:15:54,829 --> 00:15:57,872
♪ ♪
342
00:15:58,908 --> 00:16:00,700
What's the matter, Peter?
343
00:16:00,794 --> 00:16:02,535
I'm just sick of being tall.
344
00:16:02,687 --> 00:16:05,821
I had a hard enough time getting
everything in the toilet before.
345
00:16:05,840 --> 00:16:07,707
I want my old body back.
346
00:16:07,801 --> 00:16:09,859
Well, there is a way.
347
00:16:09,919 --> 00:16:11,194
What is it?
348
00:16:11,254 --> 00:16:12,786
Lock the front door.
349
00:16:12,806 --> 00:16:14,213
(lock clicks)
350
00:16:14,365 --> 00:16:16,032
Peter, if you really want
to get shorter,
351
00:16:16,092 --> 00:16:18,201
-I can berate you.
-What?
352
00:16:18,261 --> 00:16:20,219
The female power to belittle
is such
353
00:16:20,355 --> 00:16:23,706
that the recipient can
physically shrink in stature.
354
00:16:23,725 --> 00:16:26,818
That's why husbands and wives
are the same height in old age.
355
00:16:27,011 --> 00:16:28,894
Lois, berate me.
356
00:16:28,989 --> 00:16:32,490
Okay, Peter, but if I do this,
I really got to do it.
357
00:16:32,659 --> 00:16:33,733
Do it.
358
00:16:33,827 --> 00:16:35,642
(inhales deeply)
359
00:16:35,704 --> 00:16:38,221
(exhales)
360
00:16:38,281 --> 00:16:40,314
For starters, you're a failure.
361
00:16:40,375 --> 00:16:41,390
-(bones crackle)
-Gah!
362
00:16:41,451 --> 00:16:42,616
You didn't go to college.
363
00:16:42,727 --> 00:16:44,002
Daddy pays our mortgage.
364
00:16:44,195 --> 00:16:45,837
And you're a terrible husband
and father.
365
00:16:46,030 --> 00:16:47,672
-Ouch!
-Your whole life
366
00:16:47,865 --> 00:16:49,656
is a pattern of hateable noises.
367
00:16:49,759 --> 00:16:51,825
-Ooh!
-The way you chew a banana
368
00:16:51,845 --> 00:16:53,569
makes it sound
like it's filled with bones.
369
00:16:53,629 --> 00:16:55,829
-Ouch!
-I loathe the little wheeze
370
00:16:55,849 --> 00:16:57,664
at the crest of every breath
you take.
371
00:16:57,726 --> 00:17:00,351
-Yikes!
-I hate the one story you tell
372
00:17:00,544 --> 00:17:04,171
at every cocktail party
about almost meeting John Kerry.
373
00:17:04,232 --> 00:17:05,748
That's a good story.
374
00:17:05,808 --> 00:17:06,932
You didn't even meet him!
375
00:17:07,027 --> 00:17:08,584
-(bones crackle)
-Almost.
376
00:17:08,603 --> 00:17:11,845
Your eyeglass lenses
have been smudged for 19 years.
377
00:17:11,865 --> 00:17:13,197
-Aw, crap.
-(bones crackle)
378
00:17:13,349 --> 00:17:14,681
Everyone hates it
when you see fireworks
379
00:17:14,701 --> 00:17:16,683
and you announce,
"This is the finale!"
380
00:17:16,703 --> 00:17:19,370
-Please stop.
-Pink Floyd is multiple guys!
381
00:17:19,522 --> 00:17:20,279
He is?
382
00:17:20,431 --> 00:17:21,947
You're so predictable.
383
00:17:22,100 --> 00:17:23,857
I know every word that's gonna
come out of your mouth
384
00:17:23,918 --> 00:17:25,618
before you even say it.
385
00:17:25,712 --> 00:17:28,046
BOTH:
Balderdash. Heavens. Stop that.
386
00:17:28,197 --> 00:17:31,274
I worked for Purolator Courier
before they went bankrupt.
387
00:17:31,334 --> 00:17:32,792
-Appearance. (blows raspberry)
-(bones crackling)
388
00:17:32,886 --> 00:17:34,052
Intelligence. (blows raspberry)
389
00:17:34,220 --> 00:17:36,445
Penis size. (blowing raspberry)
390
00:17:36,464 --> 00:17:37,221
(bones cracking)
391
00:17:37,390 --> 00:17:39,682
And another thing...!
392
00:17:43,513 --> 00:17:46,147
Well, Lois, you are a master.
393
00:17:49,736 --> 00:17:51,552
Well, let me
first start by saying
394
00:17:51,654 --> 00:17:54,238
y'all's doing
your relationship a huge favor
395
00:17:54,431 --> 00:17:56,299
by coming to couples counseling.
396
00:17:56,359 --> 00:17:59,302
Now, why don't y'all start
by each trying to suck up to me
397
00:17:59,362 --> 00:18:01,821
so I can choose
who I'm-a side with?
398
00:18:01,973 --> 00:18:03,989
Well, I'm Stewart,
and I would love to offer you
399
00:18:04,125 --> 00:18:05,583
a freshly baked brownie.
400
00:18:05,776 --> 00:18:07,251
Mmm. Oh, my.
401
00:18:07,444 --> 00:18:10,146
Someone's already in the lead.
402
00:18:10,206 --> 00:18:13,332
I'm Chris. I'm somehow
both signing the checks
403
00:18:13,484 --> 00:18:14,500
and always wrong.
404
00:18:14,594 --> 00:18:16,410
See, this is why we came.
405
00:18:16,471 --> 00:18:18,154
Right? It's this all day.
406
00:18:18,172 --> 00:18:19,597
Oh, that's right.
407
00:18:19,790 --> 00:18:21,766
I'm not allowed to mention
I'm paying for this.
408
00:18:21,959 --> 00:18:23,750
It's both 100% true
409
00:18:23,853 --> 00:18:27,087
and also the worst thing
anybody could possibly say.
410
00:18:27,190 --> 00:18:29,849
He had his arms crossed
the whole ride here.
411
00:18:30,001 --> 00:18:31,609
Excuse me if I don't buy into
412
00:18:31,802 --> 00:18:34,503
this whole
headshrinker business.
413
00:18:34,522 --> 00:18:36,355
Stewie promised
he'd make healthy meals for us,
414
00:18:36,491 --> 00:18:38,765
but all he ever makes
is frozen pizza.
415
00:18:38,827 --> 00:18:41,344
You said you loved pizza,
especially when I make
416
00:18:41,404 --> 00:18:43,195
the ones with the crust
made of "hwheat."
417
00:18:43,289 --> 00:18:44,771
He also does that.
418
00:18:44,833 --> 00:18:46,515
Oh, really? Go ahead.
419
00:18:46,534 --> 00:18:48,684
Show him those girls
you follow on Instagram.
420
00:18:48,786 --> 00:18:51,187
It's all bosoms and derrieres
on there.
421
00:18:51,205 --> 00:18:54,114
This is all stuff I've talked
about with my life coach, Kyle.
422
00:18:54,134 --> 00:18:55,708
(chuckles):
Yeah, "life coach."
423
00:18:55,802 --> 00:18:57,969
Kyle's into you and you know it.
424
00:18:58,120 --> 00:18:59,545
What...?!
425
00:18:59,697 --> 00:19:02,698
Okay. Chris, why don't you tell
your side of the story
426
00:19:02,717 --> 00:19:04,700
while I share looks with Stewart
that say,
427
00:19:04,760 --> 00:19:07,311
"Whoa, this is
what you got to deal with?"
428
00:19:07,504 --> 00:19:10,464
(crying):
This is just so hard.
429
00:19:10,483 --> 00:19:12,817
Stewie won't stop blaming me
about the death,
430
00:19:13,010 --> 00:19:14,877
but it's not my fault.
431
00:19:14,896 --> 00:19:16,729
I didn't kill our squirrel.
432
00:19:16,823 --> 00:19:19,157
You know, I'm sad, too!
433
00:19:19,308 --> 00:19:21,550
-(crying)
-I know. I-I just...
434
00:19:21,611 --> 00:19:24,387
I just don't know what to do
with all these feelings!
435
00:19:24,488 --> 00:19:28,574
Which is why... I suppose I've
been taking them out on you.
436
00:19:28,668 --> 00:19:30,409
I'm so sorry, Chris.
437
00:19:30,545 --> 00:19:32,653
(sniffles)
Me, too, Stewie.
438
00:19:32,672 --> 00:19:34,413
We can't bring our baby back,
439
00:19:34,507 --> 00:19:38,083
but we'll always have Tuesday
through Friday of last week.
440
00:19:38,219 --> 00:19:39,585
Keep talking.
441
00:19:39,737 --> 00:19:40,920
I's just gonna open up
this big book
442
00:19:41,055 --> 00:19:42,571
and use the time
you're paying for
443
00:19:42,632 --> 00:19:44,849
to figure out
when you're next available.
444
00:19:45,042 --> 00:19:48,911
It was a true pleasure parenting
our squirrel with you, Chris.
445
00:19:48,971 --> 00:19:50,188
Likewise, Stewie.
446
00:19:50,381 --> 00:19:52,005
And although his life was brief,
447
00:19:52,025 --> 00:19:54,525
I'll always have
very fond memories of him.
448
00:19:54,718 --> 00:19:56,009
Wait, "him"?
449
00:19:56,070 --> 00:19:57,511
It-it was a her.
450
00:19:57,572 --> 00:19:59,104
No, it wasn't.
The squirrel was a boy.
451
00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:01,090
What? That's crazy.
452
00:20:01,150 --> 00:20:03,609
-Chris, he was a boy.
-How do you know?
453
00:20:03,761 --> 00:20:05,203
Well, you've got to check
with your finger.
454
00:20:05,396 --> 00:20:08,113
But you really got to get it
in there.
455
00:20:08,266 --> 00:20:10,691
Huh.
Well, then maybe it's better
456
00:20:10,793 --> 00:20:14,170
that our baby you molested
is dead.
457
00:20:20,611 --> 00:20:22,220
Ooh, fudge!
458
00:20:22,413 --> 00:20:24,129
"Don't be a grinch.
459
00:20:24,224 --> 00:20:27,225
Please return plate
to G. Quagmire."
460
00:20:27,418 --> 00:20:30,394
Oh, great.
So it's a gift and an errand.
461
00:20:43,600 --> 00:20:44,766
Oh.
462
00:20:44,786 --> 00:20:46,285
Oh, dear.
463
00:20:47,697 --> 00:20:49,896
(crying)
464
00:20:49,958 --> 00:20:53,292
♪ I love L.A. ♪
465
00:20:54,963 --> 00:20:56,495
♪ We love it! ♪
466
00:20:56,589 --> 00:20:59,507
PETER:
All right! New pants!
467
00:21:32,333 --> 00:21:34,542
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