Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

After their disappointing results,

legendary manager Cesare is certainly under pressure.

One of the greatest managers of our time,

but it's been a while since he's won anything.

Well, if his team carry on performing like that,

the next thing Cesare will write

in that famous notebook is his memoirs.

Why haven't the club made one signing?

Not one signing!

The transfer window closes in five hours.

We're getting the news that one late move may be happening.

Have they? Yes. Who? Who?

Nah, must be a mistake, bruv.

This could be them now.

No, I don't recognise them. False alarm.

Er, it's a dream come true.

But a surprise for sure.

Total shock.

I can't think of another player who has made a leap like this

and I can't wait to meet Cesare and ask him what he was thinking.

Cough.

HE COUGHS

Cough.

HE COUGHS

Right, cough.

HE COUGHS

HE GRUNTS

Is everything all right, Doctor?

I have to pass this medical.

I need you to cough again - this time while I hold your penis.

Cough.

Mattie Sullivan, our new signing. How are you doing?

Sorry, could you give us a minute, please?

Oh, that's fine, I don't mind.

Hey, Mattie, you like jumbotrons, right?

Er...er, jumbotrons? Jumbotrons.

Big screens at the stadium.

We're building the biggest jumbotron in the world.

It's expensive, hence no marquee signings this year,

but we will have a jumbotron bigger than the pitch.

Bigger than the pitch?

Biggest in the world.

Bigger than life-size.

Why would you need that?

A jumbotron bigger than the pitch...

above one of the stands.

OK, there's the actual pitch and

then a slightly bigger version of the pitch

showing the same game...just above it?

I knew you'd get it.

Well, come see me in my office after this and we'll get you signed.

If you pass.

If you fail, then I guess this is goodbye.

Cough.

COMMENTATOR: Aguero!

Well, no, I'd not heard of him either.

American. Yeah.

Well, you know, raise the profile, sell some shirts back home.

Exactly.

Yeah.

Well, he might suck, yeah.

I know.

All right. Bye. Bye. Love you, Mom.

OK. Let's get you signed.

Oh, is the manager not going to be here, Mr Crane?

Oh, please call me Mr Chairman.

Sadly, no.

Signor Cesare, our esteemed manager, won't be present.

Oh. OK.

Sign here, here and here, please.

Wow, I've got to say, when I heard

there was an American international available,

I jumped at the chance.

Oh, I don't play for the US national team.

US men's team. You play for the US men's team.

No, I haven't been selected...yet!

So I just signed an American

who's not even an international?

Yeah, Danielle, can you get me Jonathan?

Yes, Head of Legal Jonathan.

Thank you.

OK, Mattie, well, I've got some urgent legal stuff to deal with,

so I will see you tomorrow...

..maybe.

Yes! Benjamin, are you messaging

those pornographic women again? She's an influencer.

It's pornography. Look at this girl.

Filthy and dirty. Think of what you could catch.

Are you listening to me?

You only work one hour a day. Still you're going to be late.

You could have been a doctor. Why are you not a doctor?

Oh, come on. Get out of here.

If I slap you.

Bye, Mum. Love you.

HE GASPS

CHILD: Suck my dick. Just press the button, will you?

Suck my arsehole. Right, I'm going. Nah, come on, mate.

It's only 3-0. I can get this back.

Nah, I've got to get to school.

Shit, what time's it? 8.50.

Ah, you're joking! I'm late for work.

You've got a job? Yeah, and I'm here in my pants.

You're a grown-up and you're in your pants? Mum!

HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS

SIREN WAILS

Oh, no way, man.

Whose car's this?

It's mine. Is it fuck.

Why'd you stop me? Because we can

and because your car is blinding peop...

Wait a minute.

Are you Benji Achebe?

Y-Yeah.

I knew it.

Take a look at this.

I've had a season ticket for 20 years.

So cool to meet you, mate.

He's not a fan.

He thinks we're shit.

"Yeah, Cesare used to be good, but what's he won recently?"

That's what you say, innit?

"Coming sixth for eight years isn't a trophy,"

that's what he says. Prick.

Bro, I'm gonna be late for training.

Yeah, we just need to see your insurance, please.

Yeah, we will need to see your insurance.

Look, the thing is, I haven't got insurance for this exact car.

I mean, at my age, it's so expensive, it's a crime.

Hey, that's what you should be investigating.

Ha-ha, no doubt. Yeah.

So, we can work this out, huh?

Why don't I get you a couple of tickets to the game Saturday?

As my guest.

Get a bit of VIP treatment.

I would love that. Yeah, it would be decent, actually.

Be good to watch you lose.

What's he like?

All right. Sweet. No problem.

I'll leave the tickets and the passes at the box office.

Yeah, well, you can't drive the car.

What? Benji!

You haven't got any insurance.

So I'm Olivia Talbot, Head of Press,

which encompasses a number of things.

Obviously, you need to clear it with me

before you speak to any journalists,

but I'll also be your best friend, Mattie.

I'll do anything for you. Thank you. Thanks.

I was really hoping that...

But one day I will stab you in the back.

You can trust me entirely.

My door is always open.

I'm here for you.

You mentioned backstabbing.

But know this -

I work for the club and if, for example,

they want me to turn the fans against you,

I'll do it immediately.

And you're here to welcome me?

I am. Any questions?

Will Cesare be at the press conference?

Press conference for what?

My signing. Me signing for the club.

Oh, there isn't one.

Really? Why not?

Don't think anyone would come, do you?

You came back, which is brave.

Oh, Chris, can you show our new signing, as of now, around?

This is Chris Booth. He's our Head of Press.

Well, Assistant Coach, but he knows that.

Er, Chris, this is... Mattie. Mattie Sullivan.

Yeah, great to meet you. Great to meet you too.

Oh, great to meet you.

Oh, just said that, didn't I?

Wally.

Well, what a treat, eh?

Our young signing from America.

He's not an American international.

Jonathan, thank God. Jonathan, my mom's going to kill me.

Right, well, let's show you around the training facility, shall we?

Oh, this is where the kit man is.

He's a great guy.

Fuck off.

And this is the car park.

Lots of cars here.

All making sense so far?

Yep, it's the car park.

Chris, I've not met Cesare yet and I'm just getting a bit worried.

Do you know why he signed me?

I imagine cos you're bloody brilliant, aren't you?

I don't know.

Am I good enough for this level?

Mattie, do you know what they say about here?

No?

Trust in Cesare.

Trust...in Cesare.

Yeah, yeah, of course. I mean, he's meticulous, right?

Those books that he writes in, the hundreds of notes he takes all game

- I imagine you've learned so much from them.

Nah, never seen them. The boss, he keeps his notes very close to his

chest. Such an enigma. But I owe that man everything.

When my knee injury ended my career,

he got me straight on the coaching staff.

It's bloody hard work, though, coaching.

My wife's not happy.

Hardly ever sees me.

Or maybe she's happier.

Ahh...

Every marriage has its ups and downs, doesn't it?

Oh, I'd better go and deal with this.

The dressing rooms are over there. Great bunch of pros.

Like, eugh! Banter.

Hey, guys.

Mattie Sullivan.

Just signed.

From Sporting Kansas.

It's in the MLS. The American league.

You guys know what the MLS is.

Great. PLAYERS SPEAK FRENCH

Ah!

Bonjour. Vous etes francais?

Je m'appelle Mattie.

I just picked up a few words in

every language - just a way to make friends.

THEY LAUGH

THEY SPEAK FRENCH

Well, I guess I'd better find a spot, then.

Don't sit there. That's Carlos' place.

Oh, right, yeah. Sorry.

Alors! Non, non, pas la. OK. Right, right, right.

Er...

ALL: No! OK. Oh, OK. OK.

Sit here, mate. No-one sits here.

Oh. Thanks.

SHOUTS: That's my fucking seat!

Oh, shit, yeah, Petey sits there.

Read my lips.

That is my seat.

Don't have to read your lips, cos I

can hear the noise your mouth is making.

Are you disrespecting me?

Is that what you're doing?

No, but it's a little bit hard to

take you seriously, as you are completely naked.

Yeah, what's funny about that? My dick?

No, course not.

You steal my seat, then laugh at my dick.

I've got a very long foreskin.

Is that funny?

No, I didn't know that. Do you want me to look?

Do I want you to look at my dick?

This is banter, right?

Is this banter?!

Ah, stop mucking about, you two. Come on. Let's get out there.

Mattie, come on. Don't want to be late on day one.

Er...er, Petey.

Don't tell me what to do.

You didn't when we played together. Don't now.

Priceless. Don't change, Petey.

No, listen, right? Results are

terrible and they finish training at 12.

What do they do all day? Train more.

And what if they get injured? Don't get injured.

I wouldn't mind doing a job where I do half a day's work on their wages.

Excuse me! Jack!

Now, come on, mate, please. I need them.

Then buy your own.

You've got the money.

Everything OK? Yeah, yeah, fine.

He caught me.

You were stealing toilet paper. Borrowing.

I'm not sure you can borrow toilet paper.

Have you not got any at home?

No, I don't buy it. It's embarrassing, innit?

What if someone saw me?

They might think that, like every other human on Earth, you excrete.

Exactly. Embarrassing.

Jack, are you telling me you've

never bought toilet paper, not even online?

Oh, mate, that's way worse.

A stranger coming to your house with a big box of shit paper.

This might seem like a weird question as we've just met,

but where are you pooing, then, Jack?

Er, usually at work.

Sometimes I use the disabled bogs

for a treat, but I weren't feeling it today.

OK. Tell me if I'm crossing a line

here, but do you want me to help you,

a grown man, buy some toilet paper?

Yeah.

Yeah, you can do, if you like.

Me car's parked in the car park.

And this is the car park.

Yo, Jack! Yes, mate.

Got a spare ticket for Saturday? I need one.

Both of mine are going free.

I don't have anyone to... Nice one. Cheers.

Going to show this Instagram hottie the time of her life.

What have you done with your tickets?

Gave them to the Old Bill. Charity? Sort of.

What are you doing now, then? Mum's

not picking me up for the next three hours.

Oh, your mom still picks you up?

She's normally more reliable than this.

Why not get an Uber? I can't, because...

And it's so unfair... They won't pick me up, cos my rating's so low.

I've never heard of that.

I book the car, right?

So for that amount of time, that's my car.

If I get caught short and I need to piss in a car,

in a bottle, then that's my car.

I can piss. It's not like I'm trying to spill any. I barely spilled any.

OK. I'm Mattie, by the way. I know.

The only player who signed in the transfer window.

So, Jack, can I get a lift, then?

Yeah, yeah, just going to go to the cash-and-carry.

Mattie's going to help me buy my first-ever bog roll.

I hate this. It's so embarrassing.

Bro, stealing toilet paper from work to wipe your cheeks

has got to be more embarrassing.

I can't imagine doing this all the time.

Which is why we're going to buy you

enough toilet paper to last until you're 30,

by which time, I assume, you'll be married.

Hope so. So you're now, what, 21?

Yeah, just. So that's nine years.

52 weeks in a year. Let's say two rolls a week. 104.

104 times 9. What's that?

Joking, aren't you?

It's 936. So all you need to do is buy 936 rolls.

Fine, just be quick. Bro, this is tragic.

I'm glad my new girlfriend don't shop here.

You got a girlfriend, Mattie?

Me? No. Single, yeah? Playa!

So when was the last time you got some action, then?

Well, if by action you mean sex, then, I guess, probably 2017.

What?! The year 2017.

Yeah. So you're a virgin?

No, because I've had sex.

But it's been so long, you're basically a virgin. Not really.

It's binary. Virgin or not virgin.

Or born-again virgin.

It's a self-imposed dry patch.

I've been focusing on my career.

Jack Turner? Er, yeah.

I saw you play the other day against Sunderland in the cup.

Yeah. You were absolutely diabolical.

You strolled around, half-arsing tackles.

You don't care about the club, about the badge.

You lot, you just get it handed to you - massive wages, easy life.

Turn up...not bothered.

You, sir, have no idea what you're talking about.

I've supported this team for 25 years.

I have watched and suffered as people like him destroy this club.

You've suffered? Mmm. You've suffered?

For years, Jack Turner has woken up at six in the morning to train,

muscles aching from the day before.

Most men his age are out drinking, eating junk food, having fun.

But every night he goes to bed sober.

He sacrifices a normal life to entertain you.

Yes, he gets paid well, but his

career could be ended by one bad tackle

and he has to take abuse from fans even when he's out buying...

936 rolls of toilet paper.

936 rolls of toilet paper.

I can guarantee Jack wants to win

more than you, more than any supporter,

because for him it's not just entertainment, it's his whole life.

You were still shit.

What a prick.

Yeah, fair comment, though. What?

Was shit in that game, like.

I'd been up all night playing Fortnite.

Oh, my gosh. Look, look, look.

Over there. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, it's Jack Turner.

No way, Jack.

Are you in the team Saturday? Yeah.

Wait, what's with all the toilet roll, Jack?

Have you got a bum problem, Jack?

Yeah, have you got a bum problem Jack?

What do you need all this for? You got poo problems?

Oh, no, he's going to poo himself. Look at...

Oh, he's embarrassed.

Fucking told you.

Gonna poo himself!

That's exactly what I was worried about. Come on.

Who cares? They're just kids.

Kids who think you've got a bum problem, which is embarrassing.

They filmed it too. Oh, no! Look, Jack, it's not embarrassing.

You poo, everyone poos. It's not weird.

It's not like you're Petey and

you've got a windsock for a foreskin.

Look, I'll go and I'll talk to them and just ask them not to share it.

OK, well, probably haven't got that many followers anyway.

CAR HORN BLARES

Whoa! Nice house, Jack.

You just move in?

Yeah, about two years ago.

Oh, shit. I'd best text the landlord.

To change a light bulb?

Yeah, course.

Can I get a glass of water?

Water in the tap.

No glasses? No.

This is what you guys do all day?

Play PlayStation? Normally, yeah.

Well, in Kansas, they'd fill our time for us,

like we'd have double training sessions or study.

Of course, we do a lot of charity work.

We do charity stuff all the time.

Always visiting the kids at the hospital.

I swear I know every single sick kid within 50 miles.

The maddest thing is, they only care about the star names.

They don't care about up-and-coming talent.

Last time I went, that kid literally rolled his eyes at me.

I think that was a seizure.

Yeah. My days! You're butters on this, Jack.

Yeah, I e-mailed them about it.

Fuck me, you're slow!

I mean, you are slow but not that slow.

Yeah, so slow I made the squad for the game tomorrow and you never.

Yeah, well, I don't mind sitting in the stands

if I'm sitting next to a smoking-hot Instachick.

Wow, she is so disproportionately attractive compared to you.

Yeah, at the game she'll get the full VIP treatment

and then after the game she'll get the full V-I-penis treatment.

Round your mum's house?

No. No, no, no. No.

Getting some fresh wheels delivered tomorrow.

Going to drive her home. Perfect gent.

And then she's going to be like,

"Want to come in for some coffee, Benji?"

I'm going to be like, "Only if it's decaf, babes.

"Sleep's important for recovery."

And then she's going to be like, "I meant come in for sex."

Then I'm going to say, "Don't mind if I do, babes.

"Don't mind if I do."

And there you have it.

A night of Mum-free sex.

As opposed to the usual Mum-included sex?

You know, I've been meaning to ask you guys something,

and don't take this as a weakness on my part,

but do you think that Cesare might have signed me by mistake?

Don't know. I mean, how shit are you?

Tricky for me to answer.

I mean, I am a professional footballer, so there's that.

Maybe the scouts see something. Check his stats on FIFA.

Kansas.

Oh, they're bad.

Erm, Matthew Sullivan, where are you?

No, you're not there. No card.

What? Must be an old version.

It's FIFA 20. Or you haven't updated it yet.

Updated it this morning.

You don't exist on FIFA? Is that even possible?

I think I really need to talk to Cesare. Yes!

Bow! Top bins! Oh, come on, just press the button.

No, I need to see the replay and the full celebration.

Just press it, will you?

Yeah. Tomorrow.

Huge game for Cesare's men

if they want to avoid losing four home games on the bounce.

We've got to win this.

Every game is huge for us now.

It's a must-win.

Come on, boys. Come on!

Ref?!

You knobhead.

Can you see what Cesare's doing?

Yes, managing a team. It's a match.

Those notes in those books. God, I

would love to know what he's writing in them.

"Don't sign Mattie Sullivan - he's not even on FIFA."

Did you guys have to wear uniform? Looks like I'm on day release.

We're skiving off. Don't tell anyone.

Jack, get stripped. You're on.

Yes, go on, boy. Yes, Jack.

Whoo!

Come on, Jack!

Coming on, number 16, Jack Sullivan.

APPLAUSE

REPORTER: Jack Turner, just on, and

his first touch is to take this corner.

FANS: # Ohhh

# He shits when he wants

# He shits all the time

# Jack Turner

# What's wrong with his arse?

# Bog roll, bog roll

# Bog roll

# Bog roll, bog roll, bog roll... #

REFEREE'S WHISTLE BLOWS

REPORTER: And the fans must be

wondering what's happening at this club.

What's one more loss, eh?

I genuinely hate this team.

We go again! Come on!

Er, guys, is the boss here?

Ow! Fu...

Did you tell some kids I've got a long foreskin?

Yes, to illustrate a point.

I can't really...

At least you're not naked this time.

Ugh! Stop looking at my foreskin.

Nah, come on, Petey, leave him.

I want you out! You're bad luck!

Where's Mattie?

He's hiding in the cupboard.

Don't worry, Petey. I got it pulled. Not your foreskin, obviously -

that would take too long.

Mattie, Cesare's ready to see you.

I'm sorry, the kids said they'd share the video about Jack,

but I didn't know they'd mention

Petey's foreskin. Please don't be angry.

I am angry about that, but it can wait.

Now you've got to see the boss.

I'm scared of Petey.

LAUGHTER

I'll look after you.

You said you would stab me in the back.

Oh, I will, but not right now.

LAUGHTER

There's my big brave boy. Come on.

KNOCK ON DOOR Signor Cesare?

Hey, Mattie.

Mattie, come.

Have a glass.

Enjoy with me.

It's OK.

You're a good boy.

Values.

Sorry?

Values, Mattie.

When I come to England, I respect values.

I build.

I succeed...I think. Do you think?

Oh, my goodness. Yes. Yeah.

Hmm. Yeah. Your teams have been amazing.

As a kid, I dreamt of playing for you.

I nearly fainted when my agent told me about your interest.

Yes, yes, always before...manager come,

"Have a glass of Barolo," but now,

"Hey, shut up, old wop prick!" for 90 minuto.

Then cry with press if I don't shake hand.

Then fuck off home!

I'm not wop prick.

They prick.

Like I said, I always dreamt of playing for you.

Never really thought I had what it took to play Cesare-ball.

But you must have seen something.

Yes. You come from Academy.

Oh, no. No, no, no. No. No, I was just signed from Kansas this week.

Yes?

Yes. Oh.

Something I remember, something I don't remember.

Too many things to write down all the time.

Well, you're famous for it.

I mean, all those notes over all those years.

And I hope to coach one day and... Hey, Mattie,

if you speak this much, I sit down, I get comfortable, huh?

You are a smart boy.

Yeah, yeah, of course. Please, please sit down, erm...

I do have one question for you, though.

Kind of a big question for me.

Why did you sign me?

Wasn't to sell shirts, was it?

No, I'm sure it wasn't. And you wouldn't even think like that.

I'm just such a left-field choice, and... Sorry.

I didn't mean to ask. I'm just nervous and-and out of my depth.

Or not. Or maybe I'm not. Maybe I was a stats decision.

But then, I'm not even on FIFA, so

how did you find me and what did you see in me? Why did you want me?

I fucked up.

I'm sorry.

How can I ask a legend like you these questions?

I am a piece of shit.

I'm going.

LABOURED BREATH

Oh...

Er, no. Oh, God.

Er, no, no, no, no.

Er, sir, please don't be dead. Er...er...

CESARE SNORES Oh.

No, you're alive. Of course you're not dead.

I just...bored you to sleep.

Nice. Good work, Mattie.

Well, OK, thank you for your time.

SNORING CONTINUES

Sudoku.

Great.

What a fucking mess.

Everything all right? Actually, not sure.

One minute we were talking, next minute he fell asleep.

Yeah, he has a low tolerance for boring people.

Goodnight, Mattie.

Yeah. Great. Goodnight.

Mo, can you and Raul come up?

Yep, out like a light. You'll have to carry him again.

No, he looks dry down there.

And this is where we park the cars.

Oh, cheers, mate. It's been a great night. Shame about the result.

Bet you didn't expect to be sitting next to two coppers, did you?

No, that's not what I expected. Benji Achebe?

Yeah. Got your new car. Ah! Oh!

Not another uninsured Bentley, I hope. No, no, no.

Learnt my lesson. You're going to love this, babe, promise.

Yeah? Yeah, come on.

Not you two... Oh, fine.

Here it is! Ha-ha! Yeah!

Whoo! Bit of a step-down, Benji.

Best of both worlds. I mean, it

looks the shit, but with affordable insurance, huh?

Now, if you'll excuse us, officers, we've got to roll.

Is this for real? I thought you had a Bentley.

Come on, I'll explain later. Just...

Presumably you've registered the colour change with the DVLA.

With who? Changing the colour of a

car without informing the DVLA is illegal.

But it's the original colour underneath.

Yeah, that don't matter. It's

visible colour. You can't drive this.

Is this some joke ting? No joke ting.

What about the VIP tickets? The dinner?

Attempting to bribe a police officer is punishable

with up to ten years in prison. What?

No, I didn't. No, I was just..

Mate, we're winding you up.

See? Old Bill can banter too.

See you later, mate.

So can I drive this home, yeah?

BOTH: No!

All right, help me pick this off.

It can't take us more than, what, 20 minutes?

I am not wasting a £40 manicure on a shitty Ford Focus.

Call an Uber.

I can't. That's another story.

You can't even get an Uber?

For the duration of that journey,

that's my car, and I barely spilled any.

Can't you call it?

Yeah. I can.

An Uber for one. Bye.

Yeah. Bye. I can pay you back. Come on.

They don't even make Ubers for one. Oh, piss off!

Ah, second-hand toilet paper. Nice. Yeah, they're Jack's brand.

Oh, they'll forget all about that. What, the fans? Never.

Not until the day you retire. Then not even after that.

Yeah, in 50 years they'll still be giving you rolls of toilet paper.

Oh, sound. How are we getting home again?

Here, help me pick this off and I'll give you a lift.

Can't take us more than, what, four hours?

How was your chat with Cesare, then? Yeah, good.

Still got that fire, hasn't he?

Don't know. Not understood a word he's said in five years.

Oh, this is wrong, man! I'm going to drive it anyway.

Come on, Benji, it's not worth it.

Nah, nah, nah. I've got a plan.

Ha-ha! I'm a genius.

If they can't see the colour, they can't tell me it's the wrong colour.

Could work. It's not going to work.

Hey, that's about six months' worth of toilet paper you've used.

I'll roll it up again after I get home.

SIREN WAILS

Oh, allow it, man. Told you.

HIP-HOP MUSIC