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This programme contains
strong language and adult humour
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00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:05,840
After their disappointing results,
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legendary manager Cesare
is certainly under pressure.
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00:00:08,040 --> 00:00:09,760
One of the greatest
managers of our time,
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00:00:09,760 --> 00:00:11,720
but it's been a while
since he's won anything.
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00:00:11,720 --> 00:00:13,760
Well, if his team carry on
performing like that,
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00:00:13,760 --> 00:00:15,160
the next thing Cesare will write
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in that famous notebook is his
memoirs.
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00:00:16,880 --> 00:00:18,640
Why haven't the club made one
signing?
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00:00:18,640 --> 00:00:20,280
Not one signing!
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00:00:20,280 --> 00:00:22,560
The transfer window closes in five
hours.
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00:00:22,560 --> 00:00:25,040
We're getting the news that one late
move may be happening.
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00:00:25,040 --> 00:00:26,880
Have they? Yes. Who? Who?
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00:00:26,880 --> 00:00:28,920
Nah, must be a mistake, bruv.
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00:00:28,920 --> 00:00:30,520
This could be them now.
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00:00:32,800 --> 00:00:36,320
No, I don't recognise them. False
alarm.
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00:00:36,320 --> 00:00:38,400
Er, it's a dream come true.
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00:00:41,920 --> 00:00:43,520
But a surprise for sure.
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00:00:43,520 --> 00:00:45,000
Total shock.
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00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:47,520
I can't think of another player
who has made a leap like this
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00:00:47,520 --> 00:00:50,680
and I can't wait to meet Cesare
and ask him what he was thinking.
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Cough.
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00:00:52,560 --> 00:00:54,280
HE COUGHS
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00:00:54,280 --> 00:00:55,920
Cough.
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00:00:55,920 --> 00:00:57,720
HE COUGHS
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00:00:57,720 --> 00:00:59,160
Right, cough.
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00:00:59,160 --> 00:01:00,920
HE COUGHS
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00:01:00,920 --> 00:01:02,720
HE GRUNTS
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00:01:03,760 --> 00:01:05,960
Is everything all right, Doctor?
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00:01:05,960 --> 00:01:07,840
I have to pass this medical.
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00:01:07,840 --> 00:01:11,600
I need you to cough again -
this time while I hold your penis.
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00:01:11,600 --> 00:01:13,880
Cough.
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00:01:13,880 --> 00:01:16,560
Mattie Sullivan, our new signing.
How are you doing?
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00:01:16,560 --> 00:01:18,480
Sorry, could you give us a minute,
please?
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00:01:18,480 --> 00:01:19,720
Oh, that's fine, I don't mind.
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00:01:19,720 --> 00:01:21,760
Hey, Mattie, you like jumbotrons,
right?
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00:01:21,760 --> 00:01:23,960
Er...er, jumbotrons?
Jumbotrons.
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00:01:23,960 --> 00:01:25,560
Big screens at the stadium.
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00:01:25,560 --> 00:01:27,840
We're building the biggest jumbotron
in the world.
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00:01:27,840 --> 00:01:31,200
It's expensive,
hence no marquee signings this year,
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00:01:31,200 --> 00:01:34,600
but we will have a jumbotron
bigger than the pitch.
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00:01:34,600 --> 00:01:36,000
Bigger than the pitch?
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00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:37,440
Biggest in the world.
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00:01:37,440 --> 00:01:38,920
Bigger than life-size.
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00:01:38,920 --> 00:01:40,360
Why would you need that?
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00:01:41,880 --> 00:01:44,560
A jumbotron bigger than the pitch...
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00:01:44,560 --> 00:01:46,840
above one of the stands.
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00:01:46,840 --> 00:01:49,280
OK, there's the actual pitch and
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00:01:49,280 --> 00:01:51,560
then a slightly bigger version of
the pitch
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showing the same game...just above
it?
51
00:01:53,840 --> 00:01:55,400
I knew you'd get it.
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00:01:55,400 --> 00:01:58,680
Well, come see me in my office after
this and we'll get you signed.
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00:01:58,680 --> 00:02:00,440
If you pass.
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00:02:00,440 --> 00:02:03,840
If you fail, then I guess this is
goodbye.
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Cough.
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00:02:11,080 --> 00:02:13,520
COMMENTATOR: Aguero!
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Well, no, I'd not heard of him
either.
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00:02:25,960 --> 00:02:28,000
American. Yeah.
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00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:30,840
Well, you know, raise the profile,
sell some shirts back home.
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00:02:30,840 --> 00:02:32,160
Exactly.
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00:02:32,160 --> 00:02:34,000
Yeah.
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00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:36,440
Well, he might suck, yeah.
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I know.
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00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:41,240
All right. Bye. Bye. Love you, Mom.
65
00:02:41,240 --> 00:02:43,400
OK. Let's get you signed.
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00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:45,880
Oh, is the manager not going to be
here, Mr Crane?
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00:02:45,880 --> 00:02:47,480
Oh, please call me Mr Chairman.
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00:02:47,480 --> 00:02:48,960
Sadly, no.
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00:02:48,960 --> 00:02:51,440
Signor Cesare, our esteemed manager,
won't be present.
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00:02:51,440 --> 00:02:53,080
Oh. OK.
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00:02:53,080 --> 00:02:56,000
Sign here, here and here, please.
72
00:02:57,120 --> 00:02:58,600
Wow, I've got to say, when I heard
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00:02:58,600 --> 00:03:00,920
there was an American international
available,
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I jumped at the chance.
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00:03:02,280 --> 00:03:04,080
Oh, I don't play for the US national
team.
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00:03:04,080 --> 00:03:06,560
US men's team. You play for the US
men's team.
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00:03:06,560 --> 00:03:08,880
No, I haven't been selected...yet!
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00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:15,680
So I just signed an American
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00:03:15,680 --> 00:03:18,520
who's not even an international?
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00:03:44,760 --> 00:03:47,400
Yeah, Danielle, can you get me
Jonathan?
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00:03:47,400 --> 00:03:49,320
Yes, Head of Legal Jonathan.
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00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:50,680
Thank you.
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00:03:52,840 --> 00:03:56,160
OK, Mattie, well, I've got some
urgent legal stuff to deal with,
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00:03:56,160 --> 00:03:57,880
so I will see you tomorrow...
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00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:00,800
..maybe.
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00:04:15,160 --> 00:04:17,840
Yes!
Benjamin, are you messaging
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00:04:17,840 --> 00:04:20,520
those pornographic women again?
She's an influencer.
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00:04:20,520 --> 00:04:22,280
It's pornography. Look at this girl.
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00:04:22,280 --> 00:04:24,800
Filthy and dirty.
Think of what you could catch.
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00:04:24,800 --> 00:04:26,760
Are you listening to me?
91
00:04:26,760 --> 00:04:29,800
You only work one hour a day.
Still you're going to be late.
92
00:04:29,800 --> 00:04:32,440
You could have been a doctor.
Why are you not a doctor?
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00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:34,400
Oh, come on. Get out of here.
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00:04:34,400 --> 00:04:36,120
If I slap you.
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00:04:36,120 --> 00:04:38,960
Bye, Mum. Love you.
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00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:40,840
HE GASPS
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00:05:00,120 --> 00:05:03,200
CHILD: Suck my dick.
Just press the button, will you?
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00:05:03,200 --> 00:05:06,200
Suck my arsehole. Right, I'm
going. Nah, come on, mate.
99
00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:08,280
It's only 3-0. I can get this
back.
100
00:05:08,280 --> 00:05:09,760
Nah, I've got to get to school.
101
00:05:09,760 --> 00:05:11,480
Shit, what time's it?
8.50.
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00:05:11,480 --> 00:05:13,440
Ah, you're joking! I'm late for
work.
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00:05:13,440 --> 00:05:15,840
You've got a job?
Yeah, and I'm here in my pants.
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00:05:15,840 --> 00:05:18,680
You're a grown-up
and you're in your pants? Mum!
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00:05:18,680 --> 00:05:21,920
HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS
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00:05:21,920 --> 00:05:25,320
SIREN WAILS
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00:05:25,320 --> 00:05:27,040
Oh, no way, man.
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00:05:31,440 --> 00:05:33,040
Whose car's this?
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00:05:33,040 --> 00:05:34,880
It's mine.
Is it fuck.
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00:05:34,880 --> 00:05:37,080
Why'd you stop me?
Because we can
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00:05:37,080 --> 00:05:39,040
and because your car is blinding
peop...
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00:05:39,040 --> 00:05:40,680
Wait a minute.
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00:05:40,680 --> 00:05:42,520
Are you Benji Achebe?
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00:05:42,520 --> 00:05:44,080
Y-Yeah.
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00:05:44,080 --> 00:05:45,800
I knew it.
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00:05:45,800 --> 00:05:47,600
Take a look at this.
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00:05:49,720 --> 00:05:52,800
I've had a season ticket for 20
years.
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00:05:52,800 --> 00:05:54,720
So cool to meet you, mate.
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00:05:54,720 --> 00:05:56,360
He's not a fan.
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00:05:56,360 --> 00:05:57,840
He thinks we're shit.
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00:05:57,840 --> 00:06:00,320
"Yeah, Cesare used to be good,
but what's he won recently?"
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00:06:00,320 --> 00:06:01,920
That's what you say, innit?
123
00:06:01,920 --> 00:06:04,240
"Coming sixth for eight years
isn't a trophy,"
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00:06:04,240 --> 00:06:06,040
that's what he says. Prick.
125
00:06:06,040 --> 00:06:07,760
Bro, I'm gonna be late for training.
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00:06:07,760 --> 00:06:10,480
Yeah, we just need to see your
insurance, please.
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00:06:10,480 --> 00:06:12,720
Yeah, we will need to see your
insurance.
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00:06:12,720 --> 00:06:15,440
Look, the thing is, I haven't got
insurance for this exact car.
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00:06:15,440 --> 00:06:18,040
I mean, at my age,
it's so expensive, it's a crime.
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00:06:18,040 --> 00:06:20,520
Hey, that's what you should
be investigating.
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00:06:20,520 --> 00:06:22,120
Ha-ha, no doubt.
Yeah.
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00:06:22,120 --> 00:06:24,040
So, we can work this out, huh?
133
00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:27,680
Why don't I get you a couple
of tickets to the game Saturday?
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00:06:27,680 --> 00:06:29,280
As my guest.
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00:06:29,280 --> 00:06:30,960
Get a bit of VIP treatment.
136
00:06:30,960 --> 00:06:33,240
I would love that. Yeah, it would be
decent, actually.
137
00:06:33,240 --> 00:06:34,920
Be good to watch you lose.
138
00:06:34,920 --> 00:06:36,320
What's he like?
139
00:06:36,320 --> 00:06:38,000
All right. Sweet. No problem.
140
00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:40,360
I'll leave the tickets
and the passes at the box office.
141
00:06:40,360 --> 00:06:42,120
Yeah, well, you can't drive the car.
142
00:06:42,120 --> 00:06:43,520
What? Benji!
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00:06:43,520 --> 00:06:45,800
You haven't got any insurance.
144
00:06:52,360 --> 00:06:54,160
So I'm Olivia Talbot, Head of Press,
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00:06:54,160 --> 00:06:56,200
which encompasses a number of
things.
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00:06:56,200 --> 00:06:58,040
Obviously, you need to clear it with
me
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00:06:58,040 --> 00:06:59,760
before you speak to any journalists,
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00:06:59,760 --> 00:07:01,600
but I'll also be your best friend,
Mattie.
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00:07:01,600 --> 00:07:03,920
I'll do anything for you.
Thank you. Thanks.
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00:07:03,920 --> 00:07:05,680
I was really hoping that...
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00:07:05,680 --> 00:07:07,400
But one day I will stab you in the
back.
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00:07:07,400 --> 00:07:08,800
You can trust me entirely.
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00:07:08,800 --> 00:07:10,120
My door is always open.
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00:07:10,120 --> 00:07:11,800
I'm here for you.
155
00:07:11,800 --> 00:07:13,480
You mentioned backstabbing.
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00:07:13,480 --> 00:07:15,000
But know this -
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00:07:15,000 --> 00:07:17,040
I work for the club and if, for
example,
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00:07:17,040 --> 00:07:18,880
they want me to turn the fans
against you,
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00:07:18,880 --> 00:07:20,240
I'll do it immediately.
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00:07:20,240 --> 00:07:22,280
And you're here to welcome me?
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00:07:22,280 --> 00:07:24,880
I am. Any questions?
162
00:07:24,880 --> 00:07:26,600
Will Cesare be at the press
conference?
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00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:28,080
Press conference for what?
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00:07:28,080 --> 00:07:29,760
My signing. Me signing for the club.
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00:07:29,760 --> 00:07:31,240
Oh, there isn't one.
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00:07:31,240 --> 00:07:33,240
Really? Why not?
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00:07:33,240 --> 00:07:36,720
Don't think anyone would come, do
you?
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00:07:36,720 --> 00:07:38,400
You came back, which is brave.
169
00:07:38,400 --> 00:07:41,720
Oh, Chris, can you show
our new signing, as of now, around?
170
00:07:41,720 --> 00:07:44,000
This is Chris Booth.
He's our Head of Press.
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00:07:44,000 --> 00:07:46,120
Well, Assistant Coach, but he knows
that.
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00:07:46,120 --> 00:07:48,840
Er, Chris, this is...
Mattie. Mattie Sullivan.
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00:07:48,840 --> 00:07:51,000
Yeah, great to meet you.
Great to meet you too.
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00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:52,720
Oh, great to meet you.
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00:07:52,720 --> 00:07:54,440
Oh, just said that, didn't I?
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00:07:54,440 --> 00:07:56,000
Wally.
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00:07:56,000 --> 00:07:57,800
Well, what a treat, eh?
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00:07:57,800 --> 00:08:01,040
Our young signing from America.
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00:08:01,040 --> 00:08:03,560
He's not an American international.
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00:08:04,920 --> 00:08:08,880
Jonathan, thank God.
Jonathan, my mom's going to kill me.
181
00:08:08,880 --> 00:08:12,600
Right, well, let's show you around
the training facility, shall we?
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00:08:12,600 --> 00:08:14,840
Oh, this is where the kit man is.
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00:08:14,840 --> 00:08:16,360
He's a great guy.
184
00:08:17,400 --> 00:08:19,400
Fuck off.
185
00:08:23,640 --> 00:08:26,480
And this is the car park.
186
00:08:26,480 --> 00:08:28,000
Lots of cars here.
187
00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:29,640
All making sense so far?
188
00:08:29,640 --> 00:08:31,520
Yep, it's the car park.
189
00:08:31,520 --> 00:08:35,600
Chris, I've not met Cesare yet
and I'm just getting a bit worried.
190
00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:37,440
Do you know why he signed me?
191
00:08:37,440 --> 00:08:39,880
I imagine cos you're bloody
brilliant, aren't you?
192
00:08:39,880 --> 00:08:41,440
I don't know.
193
00:08:41,440 --> 00:08:42,960
Am I good enough for this level?
194
00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:45,680
Mattie, do you know
what they say about here?
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00:08:45,680 --> 00:08:47,160
No?
196
00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:48,840
Trust in Cesare.
197
00:08:48,840 --> 00:08:51,800
Trust...in Cesare.
198
00:08:51,800 --> 00:08:54,360
Yeah, yeah, of course.
I mean, he's meticulous, right?
199
00:08:54,360 --> 00:08:57,360
Those books that he writes in, the
hundreds of notes he takes all game
200
00:08:57,360 --> 00:08:59,840
- I imagine you've learned so much
from them.
201
00:08:59,840 --> 00:09:02,880
Nah, never seen them. The boss, he
keeps his notes very close to his
202
00:09:02,880 --> 00:09:05,640
chest. Such an enigma.
But I owe that man everything.
203
00:09:05,640 --> 00:09:07,560
When my knee injury ended my career,
204
00:09:07,560 --> 00:09:09,520
he got me straight on the coaching
staff.
205
00:09:09,520 --> 00:09:11,400
It's bloody hard work, though,
coaching.
206
00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:12,920
My wife's not happy.
207
00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:14,240
Hardly ever sees me.
208
00:09:14,240 --> 00:09:15,880
Or maybe she's happier.
209
00:09:15,880 --> 00:09:17,480
Ahh...
210
00:09:18,680 --> 00:09:21,680
Every marriage has
its ups and downs, doesn't it?
211
00:09:26,360 --> 00:09:29,000
Oh, I'd better go and deal with
this.
212
00:09:29,000 --> 00:09:31,920
The dressing rooms are over there.
Great bunch of pros.
213
00:09:31,920 --> 00:09:33,560
Like, eugh! Banter.
214
00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:46,680
Hey, guys.
215
00:09:46,680 --> 00:09:48,480
Mattie Sullivan.
216
00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:49,880
Just signed.
217
00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:51,600
From Sporting Kansas.
218
00:09:51,600 --> 00:09:53,240
It's in the MLS. The American
league.
219
00:09:53,240 --> 00:09:54,760
You guys know what the MLS is.
220
00:09:54,760 --> 00:09:57,240
Great.
PLAYERS SPEAK FRENCH
221
00:09:57,240 --> 00:09:59,120
Ah!
222
00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:02,360
Bonjour. Vous etes francais?
223
00:10:02,360 --> 00:10:03,680
Je m'appelle Mattie.
224
00:10:03,680 --> 00:10:05,280
I just picked up a few words in
225
00:10:05,280 --> 00:10:07,680
every language - just a way to make
friends.
226
00:10:07,680 --> 00:10:09,400
THEY LAUGH
227
00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:11,320
THEY SPEAK FRENCH
228
00:10:11,320 --> 00:10:15,160
Well, I guess I'd better find a
spot, then.
229
00:10:15,160 --> 00:10:17,200
Don't sit there. That's Carlos'
place.
230
00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:18,960
Oh, right, yeah. Sorry.
231
00:10:20,840 --> 00:10:23,920
Alors! Non, non, pas la.
OK. Right, right, right.
232
00:10:23,920 --> 00:10:25,640
Er...
233
00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:29,960
ALL: No!
OK. Oh, OK. OK.
234
00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:33,600
Sit here, mate. No-one sits here.
235
00:10:33,600 --> 00:10:35,800
Oh. Thanks.
236
00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:40,360
SHOUTS: That's my fucking seat!
237
00:10:40,360 --> 00:10:42,840
Oh, shit, yeah, Petey sits there.
238
00:10:42,840 --> 00:10:44,520
Read my lips.
239
00:10:44,520 --> 00:10:46,160
That is my seat.
240
00:10:46,160 --> 00:10:47,760
Don't have to read your lips, cos I
241
00:10:47,760 --> 00:10:49,640
can hear the noise your mouth is
making.
242
00:10:49,640 --> 00:10:51,600
Are you disrespecting me?
243
00:10:51,600 --> 00:10:53,400
Is that what you're doing?
244
00:10:53,400 --> 00:10:54,960
No, but it's a little bit hard to
245
00:10:54,960 --> 00:10:57,400
take you seriously, as you are
completely naked.
246
00:10:57,400 --> 00:10:59,560
Yeah, what's funny about that? My
dick?
247
00:10:59,560 --> 00:11:00,800
No, course not.
248
00:11:00,800 --> 00:11:04,520
You steal my seat, then laugh at my
dick.
249
00:11:05,760 --> 00:11:07,440
I've got a very long foreskin.
250
00:11:07,440 --> 00:11:09,000
Is that funny?
251
00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:12,600
No, I didn't know that.
Do you want me to look?
252
00:11:12,600 --> 00:11:14,360
Do I want you to look at my dick?
253
00:11:14,360 --> 00:11:15,840
This is banter, right?
254
00:11:15,840 --> 00:11:17,760
Is this banter?!
255
00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:21,800
Ah, stop mucking about, you two.
Come on. Let's get out there.
256
00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:24,200
Mattie, come on.
Don't want to be late on day one.
257
00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:26,560
Er...er, Petey.
258
00:11:28,520 --> 00:11:30,760
Don't tell me what to do.
259
00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:33,640
You didn't when we played together.
Don't now.
260
00:11:36,400 --> 00:11:39,400
Priceless. Don't change, Petey.
261
00:11:42,840 --> 00:11:45,280
No, listen, right? Results are
262
00:11:45,280 --> 00:11:48,120
terrible and they finish training at
12.
263
00:11:48,120 --> 00:11:50,160
What do they do all day? Train more.
264
00:11:50,160 --> 00:11:52,600
And what if they get injured?
Don't get injured.
265
00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:56,680
I wouldn't mind doing a job where I
do half a day's work on their wages.
266
00:11:58,320 --> 00:12:00,720
Excuse me! Jack!
267
00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:04,120
Now, come on, mate, please. I need
them.
268
00:12:04,120 --> 00:12:05,360
Then buy your own.
269
00:12:05,360 --> 00:12:06,720
You've got the money.
270
00:12:08,080 --> 00:12:10,440
Everything OK? Yeah, yeah, fine.
271
00:12:10,440 --> 00:12:11,480
He caught me.
272
00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:13,520
You were stealing toilet paper.
Borrowing.
273
00:12:13,520 --> 00:12:15,400
I'm not sure you can borrow toilet
paper.
274
00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:17,080
Have you not got any at home?
275
00:12:17,080 --> 00:12:19,280
No, I don't buy it. It's
embarrassing, innit?
276
00:12:19,280 --> 00:12:20,440
What if someone saw me?
277
00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:23,480
They might think that, like every
other human on Earth, you excrete.
278
00:12:23,480 --> 00:12:25,440
Exactly. Embarrassing.
279
00:12:25,440 --> 00:12:26,800
Jack, are you telling me you've
280
00:12:26,800 --> 00:12:28,680
never bought toilet paper, not even
online?
281
00:12:28,680 --> 00:12:29,920
Oh, mate, that's way worse.
282
00:12:29,920 --> 00:12:32,600
A stranger coming to your house
with a big box of shit paper.
283
00:12:32,600 --> 00:12:35,120
This might seem like a weird
question as we've just met,
284
00:12:35,120 --> 00:12:36,880
but where are you pooing, then,
Jack?
285
00:12:36,880 --> 00:12:38,240
Er, usually at work.
286
00:12:38,240 --> 00:12:40,000
Sometimes I use the disabled bogs
287
00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:42,320
for a treat, but I weren't feeling
it today.
288
00:12:42,320 --> 00:12:43,960
OK. Tell me if I'm crossing a line
289
00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:45,760
here, but do you want me to help
you,
290
00:12:45,760 --> 00:12:48,240
a grown man, buy some toilet paper?
291
00:12:48,240 --> 00:12:49,800
Yeah.
292
00:12:49,800 --> 00:12:51,240
Yeah, you can do, if you like.
293
00:12:51,240 --> 00:12:53,040
Me car's parked in the car park.
294
00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:54,800
And this is the car park.
295
00:12:54,800 --> 00:12:57,200
Yo, Jack!
Yes, mate.
296
00:12:57,200 --> 00:12:59,480
Got a spare ticket for Saturday?
I need one.
297
00:12:59,480 --> 00:13:00,880
Both of mine are going free.
298
00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:03,400
I don't have anyone to...
Nice one. Cheers.
299
00:13:03,400 --> 00:13:05,760
Going to show this Instagram hottie
the time of her life.
300
00:13:05,760 --> 00:13:07,360
What have you done with your
tickets?
301
00:13:07,360 --> 00:13:09,640
Gave them to the Old Bill.
Charity? Sort of.
302
00:13:09,640 --> 00:13:11,080
What are you doing now, then? Mum's
303
00:13:11,080 --> 00:13:12,880
not picking me up for the next three
hours.
304
00:13:12,880 --> 00:13:14,240
Oh, your mom still picks you up?
305
00:13:14,240 --> 00:13:16,040
She's normally more reliable than
this.
306
00:13:16,040 --> 00:13:18,040
Why not get an Uber?
I can't, because...
307
00:13:18,040 --> 00:13:20,960
And it's so unfair... They won't
pick me up, cos my rating's so low.
308
00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:22,600
I've never heard of that.
309
00:13:22,600 --> 00:13:24,080
I book the car, right?
310
00:13:24,080 --> 00:13:26,040
So for that amount of time, that's
my car.
311
00:13:26,040 --> 00:13:28,080
If I get caught short
and I need to piss in a car,
312
00:13:28,080 --> 00:13:29,760
in a bottle, then that's my car.
313
00:13:29,760 --> 00:13:32,720
I can piss. It's not like I'm trying
to spill any. I barely spilled any.
314
00:13:32,720 --> 00:13:34,960
OK. I'm Mattie, by the way.
I know.
315
00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:37,360
The only player who signed in the
transfer window.
316
00:13:37,360 --> 00:13:39,000
So, Jack, can I get a lift, then?
317
00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:41,200
Yeah, yeah, just going to go to the
cash-and-carry.
318
00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:43,880
Mattie's going to help me
buy my first-ever bog roll.
319
00:13:52,440 --> 00:13:54,800
I hate this. It's so embarrassing.
320
00:13:54,800 --> 00:13:57,120
Bro, stealing toilet paper from work
to wipe your cheeks
321
00:13:57,120 --> 00:13:58,560
has got to be more embarrassing.
322
00:13:58,560 --> 00:14:00,320
I can't imagine doing this all the
time.
323
00:14:00,320 --> 00:14:01,880
Which is why we're going to buy you
324
00:14:01,880 --> 00:14:03,840
enough toilet paper to last until
you're 30,
325
00:14:03,840 --> 00:14:05,760
by which time, I assume,
you'll be married.
326
00:14:05,760 --> 00:14:07,400
Hope so. So you're now, what,
21?
327
00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:09,040
Yeah, just. So that's nine years.
328
00:14:09,040 --> 00:14:11,840
52 weeks in a year. Let's say two
rolls a week. 104.
329
00:14:11,840 --> 00:14:13,280
104 times 9. What's that?
330
00:14:13,280 --> 00:14:14,600
Joking, aren't you?
331
00:14:15,600 --> 00:14:18,440
It's 936. So all you need to do
is buy 936 rolls.
332
00:14:18,440 --> 00:14:20,760
Fine, just be quick.
Bro, this is tragic.
333
00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:22,720
I'm glad my new girlfriend
don't shop here.
334
00:14:22,720 --> 00:14:24,080
You got a girlfriend, Mattie?
335
00:14:24,080 --> 00:14:27,400
Me? No. Single, yeah?
Playa!
336
00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:29,640
So when was the last time
you got some action, then?
337
00:14:29,640 --> 00:14:33,280
Well, if by action you mean sex,
then, I guess, probably 2017.
338
00:14:33,280 --> 00:14:35,040
What?! The year 2017.
339
00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:36,960
Yeah. So you're a virgin?
340
00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:38,480
No, because I've had sex.
341
00:14:38,480 --> 00:14:41,120
But it's been so long, you're
basically a virgin. Not really.
342
00:14:41,120 --> 00:14:43,120
It's binary. Virgin or not virgin.
343
00:14:43,120 --> 00:14:44,680
Or born-again virgin.
344
00:14:44,680 --> 00:14:47,440
It's a self-imposed dry patch.
345
00:14:47,440 --> 00:14:49,240
I've been focusing on my career.
346
00:14:49,240 --> 00:14:52,000
Jack Turner?
Er, yeah.
347
00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:55,000
I saw you play the other day
against Sunderland in the cup.
348
00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:58,280
Yeah.
You were absolutely diabolical.
349
00:14:58,280 --> 00:15:00,200
You strolled around, half-arsing
tackles.
350
00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:02,840
You don't care about the club,
about the badge.
351
00:15:02,840 --> 00:15:06,720
You lot, you just get it handed to
you - massive wages, easy life.
352
00:15:06,720 --> 00:15:08,440
Turn up...not bothered.
353
00:15:08,440 --> 00:15:11,480
You, sir, have no idea
what you're talking about.
354
00:15:11,480 --> 00:15:14,200
I've supported this team for 25
years.
355
00:15:14,200 --> 00:15:17,440
I have watched and suffered as
people like him destroy this club.
356
00:15:17,440 --> 00:15:19,680
You've suffered? Mmm.
You've suffered?
357
00:15:19,680 --> 00:15:23,560
For years, Jack Turner has woken up
at six in the morning to train,
358
00:15:23,560 --> 00:15:25,560
muscles aching from the day before.
359
00:15:25,560 --> 00:15:28,880
Most men his age are out drinking,
eating junk food, having fun.
360
00:15:28,880 --> 00:15:30,920
But every night he goes to bed
sober.
361
00:15:30,920 --> 00:15:33,400
He sacrifices a normal life
to entertain you.
362
00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:35,320
Yes, he gets paid well, but his
363
00:15:35,320 --> 00:15:37,840
career could be ended by one bad
tackle
364
00:15:37,840 --> 00:15:41,400
and he has to take abuse from fans
even when he's out buying...
365
00:15:41,400 --> 00:15:43,240
936 rolls of toilet paper.
366
00:15:43,240 --> 00:15:45,520
936 rolls of toilet paper.
367
00:15:45,520 --> 00:15:47,560
I can guarantee Jack wants to win
368
00:15:47,560 --> 00:15:50,120
more than you, more than any
supporter,
369
00:15:50,120 --> 00:15:55,080
because for him it's not just
entertainment, it's his whole life.
370
00:15:58,640 --> 00:16:00,080
You were still shit.
371
00:16:01,480 --> 00:16:02,880
What a prick.
372
00:16:02,880 --> 00:16:05,000
Yeah, fair comment, though.
What?
373
00:16:05,000 --> 00:16:06,520
Was shit in that game, like.
374
00:16:06,520 --> 00:16:08,760
I'd been up all night playing
Fortnite.
375
00:16:16,360 --> 00:16:18,200
Oh, my gosh. Look, look, look.
376
00:16:18,200 --> 00:16:20,160
Over there.
Oh, my God.
377
00:16:20,160 --> 00:16:22,160
Oh, my God, it's Jack Turner.
378
00:16:22,160 --> 00:16:23,200
No way, Jack.
379
00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:25,720
Are you in the team Saturday?
Yeah.
380
00:16:25,720 --> 00:16:28,760
Wait, what's with all the toilet
roll, Jack?
381
00:16:28,760 --> 00:16:30,840
Have you got a bum problem, Jack?
382
00:16:30,840 --> 00:16:33,080
Yeah, have you got a bum problem
Jack?
383
00:16:33,080 --> 00:16:36,160
What do you need all this for?
You got poo problems?
384
00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:38,880
Oh, no, he's going to poo himself.
Look at...
385
00:16:38,880 --> 00:16:41,400
Oh, he's embarrassed.
386
00:16:41,400 --> 00:16:42,680
Fucking told you.
387
00:16:44,040 --> 00:16:45,440
Gonna poo himself!
388
00:16:48,720 --> 00:16:51,200
That's exactly what I was worried
about. Come on.
389
00:16:51,200 --> 00:16:52,600
Who cares? They're just kids.
390
00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:55,320
Kids who think you've got a bum
problem, which is embarrassing.
391
00:16:55,320 --> 00:16:58,480
They filmed it too. Oh, no!
Look, Jack, it's not embarrassing.
392
00:16:58,480 --> 00:17:00,920
You poo, everyone poos. It's not
weird.
393
00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:02,280
It's not like you're Petey and
394
00:17:02,280 --> 00:17:04,320
you've got a windsock for a
foreskin.
395
00:17:04,320 --> 00:17:07,640
Look, I'll go and I'll talk to them
and just ask them not to share it.
396
00:17:11,640 --> 00:17:16,200
OK, well, probably haven't got
that many followers anyway.
397
00:17:16,200 --> 00:17:17,440
CAR HORN BLARES
398
00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:22,720
Whoa! Nice house, Jack.
399
00:17:32,760 --> 00:17:34,440
You just move in?
400
00:17:34,440 --> 00:17:35,880
Yeah, about two years ago.
401
00:17:39,360 --> 00:17:41,960
Oh, shit. I'd best text the
landlord.
402
00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:43,520
To change a light bulb?
403
00:17:43,520 --> 00:17:45,200
Yeah, course.
404
00:17:45,200 --> 00:17:46,960
Can I get a glass of water?
405
00:17:46,960 --> 00:17:48,560
Water in the tap.
406
00:17:54,880 --> 00:17:57,120
No glasses?
No.
407
00:17:59,480 --> 00:18:01,480
This is what you guys do all day?
408
00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:03,880
Play PlayStation?
Normally, yeah.
409
00:18:03,880 --> 00:18:05,760
Well, in Kansas,
they'd fill our time for us,
410
00:18:05,760 --> 00:18:08,160
like we'd have
double training sessions or study.
411
00:18:08,160 --> 00:18:09,800
Of course, we do a lot of charity
work.
412
00:18:09,800 --> 00:18:11,640
We do charity stuff all the time.
413
00:18:11,640 --> 00:18:13,640
Always visiting the kids at the
hospital.
414
00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:16,040
I swear I know every single sick kid
within 50 miles.
415
00:18:16,040 --> 00:18:18,640
The maddest thing is, they only care
about the star names.
416
00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:20,960
They don't care about up-and-coming
talent.
417
00:18:20,960 --> 00:18:23,720
Last time I went, that kid
literally rolled his eyes at me.
418
00:18:23,720 --> 00:18:25,440
I think that was a seizure.
419
00:18:25,440 --> 00:18:28,800
Yeah. My days! You're butters on
this, Jack.
420
00:18:28,800 --> 00:18:30,400
Yeah, I e-mailed them about it.
421
00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:31,800
Fuck me, you're slow!
422
00:18:31,800 --> 00:18:33,800
I mean, you are slow but not that
slow.
423
00:18:33,800 --> 00:18:36,440
Yeah, so slow I made the squad
for the game tomorrow and you never.
424
00:18:36,440 --> 00:18:38,600
Yeah, well, I don't mind sitting
in the stands
425
00:18:38,600 --> 00:18:42,000
if I'm sitting next
to a smoking-hot Instachick.
426
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:44,960
Wow, she is so disproportionately
attractive compared to you.
427
00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:47,760
Yeah, at the game she'll get the
full VIP treatment
428
00:18:47,760 --> 00:18:51,240
and then after the game she'll get
the full V-I-penis treatment.
429
00:18:51,240 --> 00:18:52,400
Round your mum's house?
430
00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:53,760
No. No, no, no. No.
431
00:18:53,760 --> 00:18:56,120
Getting some fresh wheels delivered
tomorrow.
432
00:18:56,120 --> 00:18:58,400
Going to drive her home. Perfect
gent.
433
00:18:58,400 --> 00:19:00,040
And then she's going to be like,
434
00:19:00,040 --> 00:19:02,200
"Want to come in for some coffee,
Benji?"
435
00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:04,800
I'm going to be like,
"Only if it's decaf, babes.
436
00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:06,560
"Sleep's important for recovery."
437
00:19:06,560 --> 00:19:09,480
And then she's going to be like,
"I meant come in for sex."
438
00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:12,360
Then I'm going to say,
"Don't mind if I do, babes.
439
00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:14,680
"Don't mind if I do."
440
00:19:14,680 --> 00:19:16,200
And there you have it.
441
00:19:16,200 --> 00:19:17,720
A night of Mum-free sex.
442
00:19:17,720 --> 00:19:19,560
As opposed to the usual Mum-included
sex?
443
00:19:19,560 --> 00:19:22,640
You know, I've been meaning
to ask you guys something,
444
00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:25,600
and don't take this as a weakness
on my part,
445
00:19:25,600 --> 00:19:29,680
but do you think that Cesare
might have signed me by mistake?
446
00:19:29,680 --> 00:19:31,680
Don't know. I mean, how shit are
you?
447
00:19:31,680 --> 00:19:33,120
Tricky for me to answer.
448
00:19:33,120 --> 00:19:35,440
I mean, I am a professional
footballer, so there's that.
449
00:19:35,440 --> 00:19:38,720
Maybe the scouts see something.
Check his stats on FIFA.
450
00:19:38,720 --> 00:19:40,000
Kansas.
451
00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:41,840
Oh, they're bad.
452
00:19:41,840 --> 00:19:44,120
Erm, Matthew Sullivan, where are
you?
453
00:19:44,120 --> 00:19:45,600
No, you're not there. No card.
454
00:19:45,600 --> 00:19:47,240
What? Must be an old version.
455
00:19:47,240 --> 00:19:49,120
It's FIFA 20. Or you haven't
updated it yet.
456
00:19:49,120 --> 00:19:50,760
Updated it this morning.
457
00:19:50,760 --> 00:19:53,520
You don't exist on FIFA?
Is that even possible?
458
00:19:53,520 --> 00:19:55,640
I think I really need to talk to
Cesare. Yes!
459
00:19:55,640 --> 00:19:57,960
Bow! Top bins! Oh, come on, just
press the button.
460
00:19:57,960 --> 00:20:00,920
No, I need to see the replay
and the full celebration.
461
00:20:00,920 --> 00:20:02,720
Just press it, will you?
462
00:20:02,720 --> 00:20:04,440
Yeah. Tomorrow.
463
00:20:06,640 --> 00:20:08,200
Huge game for Cesare's men
464
00:20:08,200 --> 00:20:12,640
if they want to avoid losing
four home games on the bounce.
465
00:20:12,640 --> 00:20:14,520
We've got to win this.
466
00:20:14,520 --> 00:20:16,160
Every game is huge for us now.
467
00:20:16,160 --> 00:20:17,480
It's a must-win.
468
00:20:17,480 --> 00:20:18,920
Come on, boys. Come on!
469
00:20:18,920 --> 00:20:20,400
Ref?!
470
00:20:20,400 --> 00:20:21,520
You knobhead.
471
00:20:25,240 --> 00:20:26,960
Can you see what Cesare's doing?
472
00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:28,840
Yes, managing a team. It's a
match.
473
00:20:28,840 --> 00:20:30,600
Those notes in those books. God, I
474
00:20:30,600 --> 00:20:33,000
would love to know what he's writing
in them.
475
00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:35,680
"Don't sign Mattie Sullivan -
he's not even on FIFA."
476
00:20:40,160 --> 00:20:43,400
Did you guys have to wear uniform?
Looks like I'm on day release.
477
00:20:43,400 --> 00:20:46,520
We're skiving off. Don't tell
anyone.
478
00:20:47,720 --> 00:20:50,400
Jack, get stripped. You're on.
479
00:20:51,560 --> 00:20:54,240
Yes, go on, boy.
Yes, Jack.
480
00:20:54,240 --> 00:20:56,320
Whoo!
481
00:20:56,320 --> 00:20:57,960
Come on, Jack!
482
00:20:59,320 --> 00:21:01,200
Coming on, number 16, Jack Sullivan.
483
00:21:01,200 --> 00:21:03,440
APPLAUSE
484
00:21:04,920 --> 00:21:06,960
REPORTER: Jack Turner, just on, and
485
00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:09,160
his first touch is to take this
corner.
486
00:21:09,160 --> 00:21:10,880
FANS: # Ohhh
487
00:21:10,880 --> 00:21:12,800
# He shits when he wants
488
00:21:12,800 --> 00:21:15,320
# He shits all the time
489
00:21:15,320 --> 00:21:17,160
# Jack Turner
490
00:21:17,160 --> 00:21:19,400
# What's wrong with his arse?
491
00:21:19,400 --> 00:21:21,480
# Bog roll, bog roll
492
00:21:21,480 --> 00:21:23,600
# Bog roll
493
00:21:23,600 --> 00:21:27,360
# Bog roll, bog roll, bog roll... #
494
00:21:27,360 --> 00:21:29,960
REFEREE'S WHISTLE BLOWS
495
00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:31,360
REPORTER: And the fans must be
496
00:21:31,360 --> 00:21:33,360
wondering what's happening at this
club.
497
00:21:33,360 --> 00:21:35,480
What's one more loss, eh?
498
00:21:35,480 --> 00:21:37,160
I genuinely hate this team.
499
00:21:37,160 --> 00:21:41,000
We go again! Come on!
500
00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:44,240
Er, guys, is the boss here?
501
00:21:44,240 --> 00:21:46,040
Ow! Fu...
502
00:21:46,040 --> 00:21:48,960
Did you tell some kids
I've got a long foreskin?
503
00:21:48,960 --> 00:21:50,920
Yes, to illustrate a point.
504
00:21:50,920 --> 00:21:53,080
I can't really...
505
00:21:53,080 --> 00:21:55,560
At least you're not naked this time.
506
00:21:55,560 --> 00:21:57,360
Ugh! Stop looking at my foreskin.
507
00:21:57,360 --> 00:21:59,600
Nah, come on, Petey, leave him.
508
00:22:04,200 --> 00:22:06,600
I want you out! You're bad luck!
509
00:22:08,000 --> 00:22:09,480
Where's Mattie?
510
00:22:09,480 --> 00:22:11,200
He's hiding in the cupboard.
511
00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:14,960
Don't worry, Petey. I got it pulled.
Not your foreskin, obviously -
512
00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:16,400
that would take too long.
513
00:22:17,440 --> 00:22:19,560
Mattie, Cesare's ready to see you.
514
00:22:19,560 --> 00:22:22,040
I'm sorry, the kids said they'd
share the video about Jack,
515
00:22:22,040 --> 00:22:23,640
but I didn't know they'd mention
516
00:22:23,640 --> 00:22:25,720
Petey's foreskin. Please don't be
angry.
517
00:22:25,720 --> 00:22:27,760
I am angry about that, but it can
wait.
518
00:22:27,760 --> 00:22:29,480
Now you've got to see the boss.
519
00:22:32,320 --> 00:22:33,640
I'm scared of Petey.
520
00:22:33,640 --> 00:22:35,040
LAUGHTER
521
00:22:35,040 --> 00:22:36,280
I'll look after you.
522
00:22:36,280 --> 00:22:38,160
You said you would stab me in the
back.
523
00:22:38,160 --> 00:22:39,640
Oh, I will, but not right now.
524
00:22:41,760 --> 00:22:43,760
LAUGHTER
525
00:22:43,760 --> 00:22:47,720
There's my big brave boy. Come on.
526
00:22:50,480 --> 00:22:52,760
KNOCK ON DOOR
Signor Cesare?
527
00:22:54,600 --> 00:22:56,160
Hey, Mattie.
528
00:22:56,160 --> 00:22:57,680
Mattie, come.
529
00:22:58,720 --> 00:23:00,000
Have a glass.
530
00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:02,000
Enjoy with me.
531
00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:04,120
It's OK.
532
00:23:04,120 --> 00:23:06,160
You're a good boy.
533
00:23:08,400 --> 00:23:10,040
Values.
534
00:23:10,040 --> 00:23:11,400
Sorry?
535
00:23:11,400 --> 00:23:13,480
Values, Mattie.
536
00:23:13,480 --> 00:23:16,600
When I come to England, I respect
values.
537
00:23:16,600 --> 00:23:18,480
I build.
538
00:23:18,480 --> 00:23:20,720
I succeed...I think. Do you think?
539
00:23:20,720 --> 00:23:22,440
Oh, my goodness. Yes. Yeah.
540
00:23:22,440 --> 00:23:25,000
Hmm. Yeah. Your teams have been
amazing.
541
00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:27,080
As a kid, I dreamt of playing for
you.
542
00:23:27,080 --> 00:23:29,520
I nearly fainted when my agent told
me about your interest.
543
00:23:29,520 --> 00:23:32,600
Yes, yes, always before...manager
come,
544
00:23:32,600 --> 00:23:34,760
"Have a glass of Barolo," but now,
545
00:23:34,760 --> 00:23:39,400
"Hey, shut up, old wop prick!"
for 90 minuto.
546
00:23:39,400 --> 00:23:42,000
Then cry with press if I don't shake
hand.
547
00:23:42,000 --> 00:23:43,920
Then fuck off home!
548
00:23:43,920 --> 00:23:45,520
I'm not wop prick.
549
00:23:45,520 --> 00:23:46,880
They prick.
550
00:23:48,760 --> 00:23:51,600
Like I said, I always dreamt
of playing for you.
551
00:23:51,600 --> 00:23:55,280
Never really thought I had what it
took to play Cesare-ball.
552
00:23:55,280 --> 00:23:56,840
But you must have seen something.
553
00:23:56,840 --> 00:23:59,240
Yes. You come from Academy.
554
00:23:59,240 --> 00:24:02,400
Oh, no. No, no, no. No. No, I was
just signed from Kansas this week.
555
00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:03,920
Yes?
556
00:24:03,920 --> 00:24:05,320
Yes. Oh.
557
00:24:06,480 --> 00:24:09,600
Something I remember,
something I don't remember.
558
00:24:09,600 --> 00:24:12,200
Too many things
to write down all the time.
559
00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:13,600
Well, you're famous for it.
560
00:24:13,600 --> 00:24:16,320
I mean, all those notes
over all those years.
561
00:24:16,320 --> 00:24:18,640
And I hope to coach one day and...
Hey, Mattie,
562
00:24:18,640 --> 00:24:24,640
if you speak this much,
I sit down, I get comfortable, huh?
563
00:24:26,520 --> 00:24:29,320
You are a smart boy.
564
00:24:29,320 --> 00:24:31,680
Yeah, yeah, of course.
Please, please sit down, erm...
565
00:24:32,760 --> 00:24:35,640
I do have one question for you,
though.
566
00:24:35,640 --> 00:24:38,360
Kind of a big question for me.
567
00:24:39,760 --> 00:24:42,120
Why did you sign me?
568
00:24:42,120 --> 00:24:43,760
Wasn't to sell shirts, was it?
569
00:24:43,760 --> 00:24:46,440
No, I'm sure it wasn't. And you
wouldn't even think like that.
570
00:24:46,440 --> 00:24:49,120
I'm just such a left-field choice,
and... Sorry.
571
00:24:49,120 --> 00:24:52,840
I didn't mean to ask. I'm just
nervous and-and out of my depth.
572
00:24:52,840 --> 00:24:55,800
Or not. Or maybe I'm not.
Maybe I was a stats decision.
573
00:24:55,800 --> 00:24:57,520
But then, I'm not even on FIFA, so
574
00:24:57,520 --> 00:25:00,840
how did you find me and what did you
see in me? Why did you want me?
575
00:25:02,600 --> 00:25:04,240
I fucked up.
576
00:25:04,240 --> 00:25:05,640
I'm sorry.
577
00:25:05,640 --> 00:25:08,080
How can I ask a legend like you
these questions?
578
00:25:08,080 --> 00:25:10,720
I am a piece of shit.
579
00:25:12,280 --> 00:25:13,800
I'm going.
580
00:25:13,800 --> 00:25:15,760
LABOURED BREATH
581
00:25:15,760 --> 00:25:16,920
Oh...
582
00:25:16,920 --> 00:25:18,600
Er, no. Oh, God.
583
00:25:18,600 --> 00:25:19,920
Er, no, no, no, no.
584
00:25:19,920 --> 00:25:22,960
Er, sir, please don't be dead.
Er...er...
585
00:25:22,960 --> 00:25:25,200
CESARE SNORES
Oh.
586
00:25:28,640 --> 00:25:30,840
No, you're alive. Of course you're
not dead.
587
00:25:30,840 --> 00:25:33,520
I just...bored you to sleep.
588
00:25:34,680 --> 00:25:37,080
Nice. Good work, Mattie.
589
00:25:37,080 --> 00:25:40,080
Well, OK, thank you for your time.
590
00:25:42,120 --> 00:25:44,360
SNORING CONTINUES
591
00:25:57,480 --> 00:25:58,840
Sudoku.
592
00:25:58,840 --> 00:25:59,880
Great.
593
00:26:00,880 --> 00:26:02,200
What a fucking mess.
594
00:26:03,600 --> 00:26:06,640
Everything all right?
Actually, not sure.
595
00:26:06,640 --> 00:26:09,200
One minute we were talking,
next minute he fell asleep.
596
00:26:09,200 --> 00:26:12,280
Yeah, he has a low tolerance
for boring people.
597
00:26:12,280 --> 00:26:13,920
Goodnight, Mattie.
598
00:26:13,920 --> 00:26:15,680
Yeah. Great. Goodnight.
599
00:26:18,680 --> 00:26:21,080
Mo, can you and Raul come up?
600
00:26:22,040 --> 00:26:24,880
Yep, out like a light.
You'll have to carry him again.
601
00:26:26,320 --> 00:26:28,800
No, he looks dry down there.
602
00:26:32,120 --> 00:26:34,280
And this is where we park the cars.
603
00:26:34,280 --> 00:26:37,480
Oh, cheers, mate. It's been a great
night. Shame about the result.
604
00:26:37,480 --> 00:26:40,280
Bet you didn't expect to be sitting
next to two coppers, did you?
605
00:26:40,280 --> 00:26:42,680
No, that's not what I expected.
Benji Achebe?
606
00:26:42,680 --> 00:26:45,680
Yeah. Got your new car.
Ah! Oh!
607
00:26:45,680 --> 00:26:48,240
Not another uninsured Bentley, I
hope. No, no, no.
608
00:26:48,240 --> 00:26:50,680
Learnt my lesson. You're going to
love this, babe, promise.
609
00:26:50,680 --> 00:26:52,320
Yeah? Yeah, come on.
610
00:26:52,320 --> 00:26:54,720
Not you two... Oh, fine.
611
00:26:54,720 --> 00:26:57,600
Here it is! Ha-ha! Yeah!
612
00:26:59,800 --> 00:27:02,800
Whoo! Bit of a step-down,
Benji.
613
00:27:02,800 --> 00:27:04,120
Best of both worlds. I mean, it
614
00:27:04,120 --> 00:27:06,520
looks the shit, but with affordable
insurance, huh?
615
00:27:06,520 --> 00:27:08,840
Now, if you'll excuse us, officers,
we've got to roll.
616
00:27:08,840 --> 00:27:11,520
Is this for real?
I thought you had a Bentley.
617
00:27:11,520 --> 00:27:13,120
Come on, I'll explain later. Just...
618
00:27:13,120 --> 00:27:15,880
Presumably you've registered
the colour change with the DVLA.
619
00:27:15,880 --> 00:27:17,760
With who? Changing the colour of a
620
00:27:17,760 --> 00:27:20,240
car without informing the DVLA is
illegal.
621
00:27:20,240 --> 00:27:22,440
But it's the original colour
underneath.
622
00:27:22,440 --> 00:27:23,800
Yeah, that don't matter. It's
623
00:27:23,800 --> 00:27:25,800
visible colour. You can't drive
this.
624
00:27:25,800 --> 00:27:27,840
Is this some joke ting?
No joke ting.
625
00:27:27,840 --> 00:27:30,240
What about the VIP tickets? The
dinner?
626
00:27:30,240 --> 00:27:32,480
Attempting to bribe a police officer
is punishable
627
00:27:32,480 --> 00:27:34,160
with up to ten years in prison.
What?
628
00:27:34,160 --> 00:27:36,600
No, I didn't. No, I was just..
629
00:27:36,600 --> 00:27:38,400
Mate, we're winding you up.
630
00:27:38,400 --> 00:27:41,280
See? Old Bill can banter too.
631
00:27:41,280 --> 00:27:43,320
See you later, mate.
632
00:27:43,320 --> 00:27:44,960
So can I drive this home, yeah?
633
00:27:44,960 --> 00:27:46,320
BOTH: No!
634
00:27:48,280 --> 00:27:49,960
All right, help me pick this off.
635
00:27:49,960 --> 00:27:52,200
It can't take us more than, what,
20 minutes?
636
00:27:52,200 --> 00:27:55,280
I am not wasting a £40 manicure
on a shitty Ford Focus.
637
00:27:55,280 --> 00:27:56,720
Call an Uber.
638
00:27:56,720 --> 00:27:58,120
I can't. That's another story.
639
00:27:58,120 --> 00:27:59,680
You can't even get an Uber?
640
00:27:59,680 --> 00:28:01,280
For the duration of that journey,
641
00:28:01,280 --> 00:28:03,760
that's my car, and I barely spilled
any.
642
00:28:03,760 --> 00:28:05,400
Can't you call it?
643
00:28:05,400 --> 00:28:06,920
Yeah. I can.
644
00:28:06,920 --> 00:28:09,040
An Uber for one. Bye.
645
00:28:09,040 --> 00:28:12,040
Yeah. Bye.
I can pay you back. Come on.
646
00:28:12,040 --> 00:28:14,920
They don't even make Ubers for
one. Oh, piss off!
647
00:28:14,920 --> 00:28:18,840
Ah, second-hand toilet paper.
Nice. Yeah, they're Jack's brand.
648
00:28:18,840 --> 00:28:21,760
Oh, they'll forget all about that.
What, the fans? Never.
649
00:28:21,760 --> 00:28:24,000
Not until the day you retire.
Then not even after that.
650
00:28:24,000 --> 00:28:27,160
Yeah, in 50 years they'll still be
giving you rolls of toilet paper.
651
00:28:27,160 --> 00:28:29,240
Oh, sound. How are we getting home
again?
652
00:28:29,240 --> 00:28:31,480
Here, help me pick this off
and I'll give you a lift.
653
00:28:31,480 --> 00:28:33,680
Can't take us more than, what, four
hours?
654
00:28:35,840 --> 00:28:38,960
How was your chat with Cesare,
then? Yeah, good.
655
00:28:38,960 --> 00:28:40,440
Still got that fire, hasn't he?
656
00:28:40,440 --> 00:28:42,960
Don't know. Not understood a word
he's said in five years.
657
00:28:42,960 --> 00:28:46,240
Oh, this is wrong, man!
I'm going to drive it anyway.
658
00:28:46,240 --> 00:28:47,640
Come on, Benji, it's not worth it.
659
00:28:47,640 --> 00:28:50,200
Nah, nah, nah. I've got a plan.
660
00:28:51,760 --> 00:28:53,960
Ha-ha! I'm a genius.
661
00:28:53,960 --> 00:28:57,120
If they can't see the colour, they
can't tell me it's the wrong colour.
662
00:28:57,120 --> 00:28:59,240
Could work.
It's not going to work.
663
00:28:59,240 --> 00:29:02,960
Hey, that's about six months' worth
of toilet paper you've used.
664
00:29:02,960 --> 00:29:04,720
I'll roll it up again after I get
home.
665
00:29:04,720 --> 00:29:06,240
SIREN WAILS
666
00:29:06,240 --> 00:29:08,520
Oh, allow it, man.
Told you.
667
00:29:09,920 --> 00:29:13,640
HIP-HOP MUSIC
78574
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