Original subtitles

Love, Laugh and then Live. Live. The five best ever words.

Tacky. That?

Yeah. Oh, no, no, it's actually very, very nice.

Obviously we're going to plaster over that wall

so you don't have to look at all those crispy old bricks.

No, don't do that.

No, that's lovely exposed brick work.

Oh, do you not have very nice, like, taste and things like that?

Does this fridge have to stay?

Just cos I've got this beautiful old, like, vintage brown one.

I'd love to put it there, if that's cool?

You want to put a old, brown fridge in here?

Well, do you like that?

Yeah. No!

You like the floor? Yeah. No!

People would pay a lot of money for that sort of thing. What, for brack?

It's really, really nice.

The broke door?

What's your name again, first and second?

Alan Shepherd. Alan Shepherd.

You've got bad opinions on the floor.

Sophie, everyone I'm showing around there is so cold to me

and they're rich, rich, rich

but they're dressed like a bloody charity.

HORN BEEPS

Oh, Christ, that's the beep, my foot on the beep.

Hello.

Are you here for the viewing? It's Harriet.

I'll get out... Oh.

Oh, my...

Hello.

Sorry, too much stuff I think.

Um, yeah, I just... I saw the, um, your agency...

Sorry, sorry, sorry. SHE LAUGHS

Just the way you got out of the car was so funny.

Oh.

I'm so sorry for laughing.

You seem very happy about something.

Ladies walk before men in this house, please.

What? OK, yeah.

I was thinking maybe, if you wanted, in this room

you could put a broken, rubbish old guitar on top of the telly there.

Everyone likes things like that now, innit?

Yeah. OK. Good one.

That's good, yeah fair point.

I'm a bit of a clone, I suppose.

You got me back for laughing at you.

Sorry.

But what could you mean, Harriet?

Oh, I just... Oh, I thought you were making a joke

cos, like, I'm an obvious, like, posh indie girl.

No, no, I said about a guitar, I didn't say you were Indian girl.

Are you?

No, just a snoring white girl.

SHE IMITATES A SNORE

Wow. Actually, do you mind me asking,

your accent, it's... Where are you from, originally?

Oh. Just...

Uh, well, I was born Cyprus and my Dad's from Greece.

Oh. Cool. Yeah.

I moved to London when I was 14 so it took me a while to say, like,

words like...cherish,

uh, but I say it all the time now, like every night.

Cherish. Oh, God.

What, pardon?

No, sorry, I just... It...

It is harsh how much shit letting agents get,

and, like...and, like, no-one looks at the individual,

and I just, I mean you probably had it

shit loads harder than I have, and I just... Ah.

Blah, blah, sorry, boring.

Shall we just keep looking at the flat?

Yeah, OK. This is the...

..wine of the flat.

It's from 1991, which is 18 years ago today.

Happy birthday, Like, it's the bottle's birthday!

That's so random. The wine's old enough to drink.

And we were laughing and laughing because of wine.

You don't even like wine.

Oh, man,

do you fancy her?

Yes. Definitely.

Definitely, I do, Sophie.

Why are you shouting about definitely? It's 8 PM.

Sorry. Stath fancies someone.

Who? Girl called Harriet.

OK, well, I thought it might be me.

Well, it's not, it's Harriet.

Well, shut up, then, because I have to get up at 4am.

Why? I'm a postwoman!

HE SIGHS

When do you want to go to bed?

Not too late.

You, are you staying here again tonight?

Yeah.

Oh, I'm thinking so much about my viewing with that girl tomorrow,

it's like a clucking in my head.

I'm thinking about her, as well, actually.

Are you? That's quite supportive, innit?

Oh, Sophie, don't go to sleep, I'm excited.

# When you meet someone and you can't believe your luck

# When you meet someone and you can't believe your luck. #

Sophie. Sophie.

Sophie, do you mind if I have some of this water?

HE GULPS

Oh, my God.

Mm. Oh, brilliant, I was almost asleep there. With your "Mm."

Sophie, I haven't slept, I feel mad.

HE SNORES

Are you going to drive?

Yes.

There we go...

Ah!

CAR ALARM WAILS

Are you too tired to drive?

I'm actually quite awake now cos I just smashed into that car.

Oh, lovely. How old did you say she was? One?

She looks four.

What an old baby!

Sorry, is there anywhere I can sit down?

Well, we've actually gone a little bit modern, little bit of a rebrand,

so not at present, no.

Anyway, us single mums have got to stand up for ourselves, haven't we?

I'm not single.

No, neither, am I, I've got a boyf.

Don't. Do you know where the desks and tables have gone?

Julian got rid of all the furniture

cos he thinks this looks good. We're all loving it.

Deanie! On your feet, my man.

No, you're all right.

Come on, I'm trying to get this whole boutique warehouse vibe going.

You know, I need my top dog! No, I'm sitting down.

All right, well, just...you know, don't want you missing out, do I?

What's Stath doing? SOPHIE: He didn't sleep.

Morning, Al. Oh, exactly, yeah.

How are you doing, lady, lady?

Oi. Stath's Sister.

Trying to give you more responsibility here, if you follow?

Yeah, sorry. Stath got lost on the way here.

I need you to hand these out on the street for me, OK?

Beautiful bottle of Irish sparkling.

Someone takes one, you send them into the office,

yeah, for a little chat, then I can boa constrictor, right?

How are you going to get them in?

Uh, tell them they have to.

Right, what are you going to say? Passion!

Look, I'll say, "You have to go in and chat to them

"or I'm calling the police."

Christ. Actually don't mind that.

Come on.

Dean, I want to have a man chat with ya.

Oh, that's not a desk. Can't do that.

Where's that guy? Al?

Come over here, man. It's boys, boys, boys.

# Come on over to the corner where we chat

# I don't have a problem with you. #

What are we saying, man?

Oh, Jesus, last night man.

I didn't thing, sleep, because I was too excited for to

get my head down cause I have had the tour in the day with a girl.

Oooh!

So did, did she take the flat, or...?

No, I'm going to do the tour... Where are you going?

I'm going to do a tour with her this afternoon.

Oh, yeah, is this Harriet Richards?

No, Harriet.

Yeah, no, I've toured her before. Yes, yeah, very charismatic,

yeah, a bit arty, wasn't she?

Can't really see that being a match, cos you're more sort of, uh...

..hell. Actual hell.

Oh. Hiya, Vas.

What does the king think of his new palace, then?

Like I said, I've done a bit of a Gordon Ramsay.

Is it nice to have nothing at all?

Yeah, well, it's all on these.

That's how we did it at Smithwick's. It's the game these days.

And did Dean win the game? He got to keep the chair.

No, no, the only game that Dean's winning,

is cheekiest legend in the office!

I didn't hear that.

See? New space.

Brings laughter.

Explore.

Do you want some water? You should go inside, there's nothing. Right.

She's not wrong.

It's amazing watching you, your hustle.

Is it? Yeah.

Like watching a...a young Alan Sugar, you know.

Oh.

I...I knew you were a...a triple threat you know, with...with

the singing and the dancing and the...and the wit.

But now you've got water thrown into the mix and it,

it's a little bit much! It's a lot.

What's your favourite threat?

What? As in the...the triple threat.

Probably singing.

Music has been me and Katya's life ever since we started in July.

So admirable.

She could be doing water with me today and we could be doing tracks.

All she does is just post sexy selfies all day, doing letters.

No, I could, I could maybe do a track with you.

Maybe, like, a hot track. Do you do hot tracks?

Oh, no, I... I go to a choir in Birmingham on Sundays.

So... Like a church, Whoopi Gold, one?

No. It's...

It's just in an old guy's flat, it's only three of us.

I'm actually the female soprano, so I go high. I go high.

Me and Katya both like it low, so we never know who does what. Right.

# You know I'm feeling sneaky when I'm winking and I'm teasing. #

Oh, wow. It's...

# And I'm sneaking all night in the sneaky party, baby. #

I don't know, I just...

I just don't know.

Sneaky, sneaky, sneaky. Sneaky.

# Sneaky, sneaky, sneaky. #

SQUEAKILY: # Sneaky. #

That's what you sound like!

How is your new flat?

I don't have a... My new flat is quite big, actually.

DOOR OPENS

Hello. Hello. What's all this?

How are you?

Oh, sorry, that was weird, sorry.

It was, wasn't it? Yeah.

No, not, yeah, Carole, no.

So, what. have you come just for a little chuckle with me. or what?

No, I actually came for the viewing at 10:30.

Wrong.

Cos your viewing's at 12:30, I've got another one that's ,

a different one that's at 10:30.

Oh, sorry, it's just I said 10:30 and then you said yes,

so I just assumed it was 10:30.

You mustn't assume, sorry.

I can do it, darling.

Yeah, I'll throw myself in the mix for this one. Oh, no.

No, no, it's OK, I can actually wait a couple of hours, yeah,

I have to do some prep for this group discussion thing

I'm running tonight, so I'll just find a cafe and then...

..and then I'll go with you, Stath. Sorry, is that right? Yes. Yeah.

Yeah, of course, you've got to for the dis...discussion...

..that thing, the coffee. Yeah, yeah.

Exactly, yeah, I have to do that sometimes as well.

Yeah. Yeah. OK.

So this is my dad, not him, him, that's my dad.

Hello, hi, hi. Hello, this is Steven. Hello.

Hello, hi. This is Stath.

Harriet knows that.

Hello.

Oh. Hello.

Oh, my God. I love this.

See the letting agent on the road!

Is he...? I don't know.

Hey! Hey, hello.

I drove all the way here.

Hello, I'm Harriet.

The whole thing's just going to be brimming with rooms.

It's a bit bigger actually, than... Yeah.

..than it looked online, yeah. It's more light than we thought it would...

Yes, we were a bit concerned, looking at the photos,

that you wouldn't actually...

Um, excuse me... Yeah. Yeah.

Tell...tell me about it, man.

The interesting thing is, there's actually three or four of these

that you might not have seen before.

Other properties, or...?

No, these. Do you mean...? That...

No, I thought there was something there, there's not. Oh.

Come on.

Mate? Do you need the toilet?

No, no, I was just checking you're... Are you OK?

Yeah, you OK? You OK? Yeah. Yeah. Well, that makes three.

Oh, watch out.

To the master bedroom!

For the master...

..of the thing, the tides.

Actually?

Actually/

Are you two from America? No. Stop asking us that. No.

Let me see, what's the time, me old mucker?

Um...

Well, it's just gone 12. 12!

What's he doing? I don't know, is he...?

He's just going. He's just gone.

When he arrived, did he say his name was Harriet?

HE SNORES

HE SNIFFS

I slept for four hours and 35 minutes.

I flipping missed her!

Let me know, but it's all above order, I think you'll find.

Done! You got done!

You snooze, you standing.

Huh... You got me.

BOTH: # I got dumped, dumped

# And I'm feeling loony.

# Why do I always go for the nasty chicks

I don't know...

HIGH-PITCHED: # I got dumped, dumped! And... #

Isn't it politically illegal to call a chick nasty?

Oh, yeah, yeah, it is, yeah.

I think that we should just do that gangster dirty one we done.

I mean, you know, I guess deep down we're all thugs. Yeah...

Did you show Harriet around? How was it?

Does she want to do another viewing?

Did you tell her I was sorry?

In my car, I suddenly fell asleep for four hours.

Yeah, she says she doesn't want the flat no more cos her parents

have got a spare one in West London, which is nice for her, innit?

Oh, yes, meanwhile, Clerk is telling me we're going to have to raise

our baby in his dad's hotel in Morecambe.

And did Harriet say anything, or...?

Yeah, the stuff Carole just said.

Right...!

And she was going on about some discussion drinks,

some hipster shit that she wants us to go to tonight.

Are we going to go? Let's go. Are we going to go?

No, I'm sitting down tonight.

No! Al, are you going to go to the...the discussion thing?

Oh, well... No, I was actually going to write some songs...

No, no, no, you're not, no...

I'm not good at discussing. You know, I'm a shit talker.

No, you're not. ITALIAN ACCENT: I talk-a the shit!

Italy, Italian...

Um, we've also just got to finish this track.

That's easy - I'll do a rap.

Give me your phone - I'll record the rap

and that's the track finished and that's the time for discussion.

Time for discussion!

It's fine.

You should go out and then maybe you can come to mine after

the chatting thing and we can show Katia the song

and have some dips and spicy crackers.

Yeah. Yes.

Yeah, I'd love that.

RAPS: # Come on, stuckerambos!

# Speaking very quickly tonight. #

Don't throw phones, Dean!

OK, well it says the idea of the group is to provide a safe space

to discuss social issues with people who may not share your beliefs.

Fantastic. Yeah.

It's nice that we're doing the discussion thing, but I wish it was just me and her.

I'm worried there's going to be, like, clever clogs.

You know, if she seems a little different to you,

that's kind of cool.

Yeah, but do you think she's the same as me?

Yeah. Yeah, I do, yeah. Just... Just the same.

So, it's seven now.

Erm, we're not going to be there too long, are we?

Uh, yeah, I think we are, yeah, too long.

You all right, Harriet?

Oh, my God. This is so great. Oh! OK, OK...

Bless! Thank you for coming.

I know you guys are coming from

a slightly different place from these lot, so...

Yeah, we've come from our office.

And, look, this is Al. Al, say something in Japanese to her.

"Tokidoki" means "sometimes".

Is that true? Yes.

Well, shoes off, firstly, and I think we're going to get started.

OK, so I think I might be a bit sick when I say this,

but I think that the key to loosening up

before we have a big old groan about life is...fun!

LAUGHTER

SHE IMITATES VOMITING Oh, no!

See. No, I'll clear that up later.

I get sick too sometimes, Harriet. SHE CHUCKLES

But when I have too much hard choccy!

OK, that's very specific. Yes. OK, OK.

Right, I want to play some on-theme games,

so, yeah, I want to see some serious tolerance, OK?

So get up on your feet.

So, if you're ashamed of it, then shout it!

My parents financially support me!

CHUCKLING AND GROANING

I eat red meat!

My carbon footprint.

My white male privilege. Yes!

DJ, DJ, DJ!

Sorry, Stath, you're ashamed of DJs?

Oh, no, I was just doing, like, what's the coolest job?

DJ! Scratch the scratch!

I mean, I love that, but we're talking about shame.

Oh... Juicy shame.

OK, just because it's a chair to me doesn't mean it's a chair to you.

What else could the chair be? Chair...

It's a pedal-stool.

A destitute block of flats.

What?

It's a flat, new brand-new flat,

only a couple of hairs stamped into the carpet.

Still very nice.

That's a real property that we have if you want to...to consider that.

STATH APPLAUDS

Make a point, say agree or disagree, and then move on.

Oh, God.

I don't think people should have to be sent to prison.

I think the treatment of rats and mice is just disgusting.

Sorry, who's treating rats and mice.

No, no, treating them badly.

Oh, yes, you want to kill them whenever you can

in case they spit at you.

No, you don't - they're living things.

I think we're saying the same thing.

You want to kill all mice badly.

Agree!

Stath, we're not going to stay for much longer, are we?

Yeah, well, we'll stay, don't worry.

Harriet, after this, do you want to go for a drink?

Hey, girl. Hey, babe. How was post?

Uh, whatever, fine.

I had to stay late and I got tired

and I spilt smoothie over every letter. Hakuna matata.

What have you done?

Well, me and Al wrote a song today for us

and it's sort of a nasty, bad girl track.

OK. Sing it.

He's coming over later to sing it with me

cos it needs his high voice.

Sophie, babe, sing the song.

Two, three, four.

# When a gangster comes to town

# You better hide in your house,

# Cos a gangster, he don't care who you are

# He just shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot. #

That was fucking shit.

Well, it does need a higher part. I said that.

And also, actually, there is more.

STATH RAPS ON PHONE: # I got so much money going to buy the Titanic

# Ride the Titanic all the way to Ayia Napa

# When I get to Ayia Napa I'm going to have a drink

# Cos there wasn't any drinks on the Titanic ride. #

That was pretty good.

So, is there anything that came out of those games

that anyone would like to share?

Anything that pleased or displeased?

Oh, I loved it, and I think we should all give Harry

a round of a clap for doing such a good play.

APPLAUSE

I really like this guy. He's unreal.

Ah, that's so good. Any, anyone else?

Yeah, I think there's getting out of your echo chamber,

and there's just mingling with pricks.

Yes, that is two different things completely.

He said a thing that he disagrees with is

when a tenant complains on a viewing because a box of old medals

has fallen on their son's head because it makes him feel bad.

What, me?!

No... That's all right, isn't it?

What, you want me to feel good because he got a medals all over,

scattered on his head, cutting his head?

He also said some pretty awful stuff about my mice.

They're YOUR mice.

No, right, no... No, no, no, no, you don't understand,

I... I'm sorry if I've done offence to you, but I really, trust me,

yeah, I'm very, VERY nice.

I think you're definitely not nice.

I think that you are fucking the housing market by overcharging

people so that you can swan off to your swish lad pad.

Who's swanning?

My dad kicked me out of my flat and he lives in Cornwall. Birmingham.

OK, good, good.

Well, a healthy debate, although I would say that the assumptions

that you make, Rose, are reflective of a wider issue.

I mean, you've barely met this person

and you've decided you know everything about him.

Thank you, Harriet.

Did you want to go for a drink after this? Cos...

Why are tsk-ing all night, every day?

Do you know what I mean?

I don't know you at all.

Really?

You showed my wife and I a flat.

Nothing.

The whole garden went up in flames.

Oh, no, do you have a pregnant wife?

Is your baby born, bless her?

He is, yeah... Oh!

But I don't...

Actually...fine. Sorry, fuck it.

So the house that you said was fine for us to view,

after you casually drove away from that house that was literally

blazing with smoke and fire,

my wife thought that she could hear a boy screaming inside the house.

I tried to convince her the noise was coming from the place next door,

but she wouldn't believe me.

So she went inside, and I didn't,

and they...

..they managed to get her out, sort of concussed,

and when she woke up...

Anyway we're not together any more, because there's no trust now.

There's no trust now.

Did anyone else think that when he went into the house,

the wife was going to be dead when he went in the house?

Oh, my...

OK, I'm sorry.

I think I've made... I think I've made a mistake here, I think.

What mistake? You thought she was going to be dead as well?

Fucking hell! What?

I think you have to go. Just cos he done a story?

I'll show you out. That wasn't real. Do I have to go?

Harriet, please, I don't want to have to go back to Al's tonight.

SOPHIE: # When a gangster comes to town

# You better hide in your house

# Cos a gangster, he don't care who you are

# He just shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot. #