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♪ I'm goin' down to South Park,
gonna have myself a time ♪
2
00:00:12,012 --> 00:00:13,844
♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
3
00:00:14,014 --> 00:00:15,676
♪ Humble folks
without temptation ♪
4
00:00:15,849 --> 00:00:18,432
♪ Goin' down to South Park,
gonna leave my woes behind ♪
5
00:00:18,602 --> 00:00:20,309
♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
6
00:00:20,479 --> 00:00:22,516
♪ People spouting,
"Howdy, neighbor!" ♪
7
00:00:22,689 --> 00:00:25,056
♪ Heading on up to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
8
00:00:25,234 --> 00:00:28,443
♪ Mrph rmhmhm rm!
Mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪
9
00:00:28,612 --> 00:00:32,447
♪ Come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine ♪
10
00:00:34,368 --> 00:00:35,529
♪♪
11
00:00:35,702 --> 00:00:36,533
[ Children yelling ]
12
00:00:36,703 --> 00:00:42,916
[Clattering]
13
00:00:43,085 --> 00:00:44,621
[ Yelling continues ]
14
00:00:44,795 --> 00:00:45,956
This is an outrage!
15
00:00:46,129 --> 00:00:48,041
This a violation
of our human rights!
16
00:00:48,215 --> 00:00:49,456
Dude, what the hell
is going on?
17
00:00:49,633 --> 00:00:50,840
You didn't hear
the announcement?
18
00:00:51,009 --> 00:00:53,001
They just canceled
Columbus Day.
19
00:00:53,178 --> 00:00:54,419
We have to come to school
on Monday!
20
00:00:54,596 --> 00:00:56,053
They what?!
21
00:00:56,223 --> 00:00:58,089
They can't do this!
We made plans!
22
00:00:58,267 --> 00:00:59,883
Some asshole went
and convinced the school board
23
00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:02,017
that Columbus Day is racist
and should be eliminated.
24
00:01:02,187 --> 00:01:03,223
You can't take away
a day off.
25
00:01:03,397 --> 00:01:05,013
We're just
innocent children!
26
00:01:05,190 --> 00:01:07,807
Dude. What asshole would
take away a holiday?
27
00:01:07,985 --> 00:01:09,601
My name is Peter Galtman.
28
00:01:09,778 --> 00:01:12,691
I am the head of
the school calendar committee.
29
00:01:12,864 --> 00:01:14,275
I have decided the school
30
00:01:14,449 --> 00:01:16,156
will not celebrate
Columbus Day this year.
31
00:01:16,326 --> 00:01:17,567
I realize this is
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00:01:17,744 --> 00:01:18,655
a hot-button issue
for many families,
33
00:01:18,829 --> 00:01:20,491
but one parent in particular
34
00:01:20,664 --> 00:01:23,031
has really swayed my opinion
with his passion...
35
00:01:23,208 --> 00:01:25,200
Mr. Randy Marsh.
36
00:01:25,377 --> 00:01:27,369
Mr. Marsh pointed out to me
the hypocrisy
37
00:01:27,546 --> 00:01:29,663
of glorifying
a genocidal murderer.
38
00:01:29,840 --> 00:01:32,674
And Mr. Marsh is, right now,
also working
39
00:01:32,843 --> 00:01:37,008
on having the Columbus statue
taken down in Canyon City.
40
00:01:40,601 --> 00:01:41,682
Come on, everybody!
41
00:01:41,852 --> 00:01:43,844
Let's take
this fuckin' thing down!
42
00:01:44,021 --> 00:01:46,308
Yeah!! Yeah!
43
00:01:46,481 --> 00:01:47,437
Take it down!
44
00:01:47,608 --> 00:01:50,817
Columbus was a mass murderer!
45
00:01:50,986 --> 00:01:53,273
[ Chanting ]Tear it down!
Tear it down!
46
00:01:53,447 --> 00:01:54,312
Yeah!
47
00:01:54,489 --> 00:01:57,698
[ Grunting ]
48
00:01:57,868 --> 00:02:00,110
Okay, it's not working.
49
00:02:00,287 --> 00:02:03,075
[ Grunts ]
We almost got it, guys!
50
00:02:03,248 --> 00:02:04,830
Come on!
Throw the rope, Stan!
51
00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:06,491
Good. That's good!
52
00:02:06,668 --> 00:02:08,159
Okay,
hit the gas, Nelson!
53
00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:11,496
We got it,
everybody!
54
00:02:11,673 --> 00:02:13,005
To hell with you,
Columbus, you...
55
00:02:13,175 --> 00:02:14,507
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
56
00:02:14,676 --> 00:02:17,134
[ Crashes ]
57
00:02:17,304 --> 00:02:17,964
♪♪
58
00:02:18,138 --> 00:02:20,846
[ Cellphone rings ]
59
00:02:21,016 --> 00:02:22,223
Hey, dude.
60
00:02:22,392 --> 00:02:24,258
Dude, did you know
it's your dad
61
00:02:24,436 --> 00:02:26,177
who's getting the school
to cancel Columbus Day?
62
00:02:26,355 --> 00:02:28,017
Yeah. Dude, I don't know
what's going on.
63
00:02:28,190 --> 00:02:29,556
He's really serious
about this.
64
00:02:29,733 --> 00:02:31,065
Well, you got to
do something.
65
00:02:31,234 --> 00:02:32,475
If you get him to back down,
66
00:02:32,653 --> 00:02:33,894
maybe the school
will reconsider.
67
00:02:34,071 --> 00:02:35,152
I can't get him
to back down.
68
00:02:35,322 --> 00:02:37,154
Stan, I have to deal
with my mom
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00:02:37,324 --> 00:02:38,860
doing shit like this
all the time,
70
00:02:39,034 --> 00:02:41,071
but she's never tried
to take away a holiday.
71
00:02:41,244 --> 00:02:43,531
I'm your best friend,
but I can't have your back
72
00:02:43,705 --> 00:02:44,695
when the guys
find out about this.
73
00:02:44,873 --> 00:02:45,909
I'll try, okay?
74
00:02:46,083 --> 00:02:47,199
[ Door closes ]
I got to go.
75
00:02:47,376 --> 00:02:48,867
Okay, Stan.
you got your phone?
76
00:02:49,044 --> 00:02:50,706
We need to call
everyone on this list.
77
00:02:50,879 --> 00:02:52,370
They all live
in the same city.
78
00:02:52,547 --> 00:02:54,789
Dad, listen, you need
to ease off a little here, okay?
79
00:02:54,966 --> 00:02:57,083
Stan, it's not right
that people celebrate a man
80
00:02:57,260 --> 00:02:58,341
who wiped out
millions of people
81
00:02:58,512 --> 00:03:00,504
for his own glory.
Let's go.
82
00:03:00,681 --> 00:03:03,890
Hello, is this, uh,
Howard Peterson?
83
00:03:04,059 --> 00:03:06,551
You live in Columbus, Ohio.
Is that correct?
84
00:03:06,728 --> 00:03:09,141
Yeah?
You racist piece of shit.
85
00:03:09,314 --> 00:03:10,304
You heard me.
86
00:03:10,482 --> 00:03:11,689
You're an
intolerant pig.
87
00:03:11,858 --> 00:03:13,520
Oh, you're not?
88
00:03:13,694 --> 00:03:15,481
You just choose to live in a
city named for ethnic cleansing?
89
00:03:15,654 --> 00:03:17,065
No, fuck you.
90
00:03:17,239 --> 00:03:18,855
Rename your city, asshole.
91
00:03:19,032 --> 00:03:20,489
Hello?
92
00:03:20,659 --> 00:03:22,116
Okay, next one.
Come on. Get calling, Stan.
93
00:03:22,285 --> 00:03:23,150
Dad, come on.
94
00:03:23,328 --> 00:03:24,569
We all get your point,
95
00:03:24,746 --> 00:03:26,157
but don't you think
you're overdoing it?
96
00:03:26,331 --> 00:03:27,947
You have to overdo
it in today's society, Stan.
97
00:03:28,125 --> 00:03:30,037
You can't be nuanced
and subtle anymore
98
00:03:30,210 --> 00:03:32,167
or else critics go, "Wow,
what was the point of that?"
99
00:03:32,337 --> 00:03:34,249
Hi, Francis Melman?
100
00:03:34,423 --> 00:03:36,585
Hey! How are you,
you fuckin' racist?
101
00:03:38,301 --> 00:03:40,293
Reporter:
Christopher Columbus...
102
00:03:40,470 --> 00:03:41,802
explorer, pioneer.
103
00:03:41,972 --> 00:03:44,089
Is he someone
who should be appreciated?
104
00:03:44,266 --> 00:03:46,508
Or was he
just a douche?
105
00:03:46,685 --> 00:03:48,551
For years. Columbus Circle
has been a landmark
106
00:03:48,729 --> 00:03:51,437
and photogenic intersection
in New York City.
107
00:03:51,606 --> 00:03:53,222
So it came as a surprise
108
00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:56,234
when someone defecated
on the statue earlier today.
109
00:03:56,403 --> 00:03:58,986
I'm joined now by the man
who did the actual defecating,
110
00:03:59,156 --> 00:04:01,569
Mr. Randy Marsh
of South Park, Colorado.
111
00:04:01,742 --> 00:04:03,233
Good evening!
112
00:04:03,410 --> 00:04:05,402
Mr. Marsh, you took a dump
on the beloved statue that
113
00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:07,036
has been an icon here
in the city for years.
114
00:04:07,205 --> 00:04:08,412
What was your reasoning?
115
00:04:08,582 --> 00:04:10,164
Well, I just
have a problem
116
00:04:10,333 --> 00:04:12,450
with the racist people
of this city.
117
00:04:12,627 --> 00:04:14,368
"Yee-haw!
I'm from New York.
118
00:04:14,546 --> 00:04:16,378
I drive around
a big circle
119
00:04:16,548 --> 00:04:18,631
that celebrates a guy
who murdered Native Americans.
120
00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:20,587
Shoo wee!"
121
00:04:20,761 --> 00:04:22,753
So, you're doing this
because of indigenous peoples
122
00:04:22,929 --> 00:04:24,386
and their feelings?
123
00:04:24,556 --> 00:04:26,092
I don't care
if people get indigenous.
124
00:04:26,266 --> 00:04:27,973
I'll crap all over
their statues.
125
00:04:28,143 --> 00:04:31,136
I'm the one who's indigenous
that this landmark even exists!
126
00:04:31,313 --> 00:04:34,602
Uh, uh...
ba-back to you, Tom.
127
00:04:36,234 --> 00:04:39,443
[ Sniffles ]
128
00:04:39,613 --> 00:04:41,479
It ain't right.
129
00:04:41,656 --> 00:04:43,318
They make you
work like a dog
130
00:04:43,492 --> 00:04:45,575
and then just tear away
your one day off in October
131
00:04:45,744 --> 00:04:47,235
like you're
a piece of trash.
132
00:04:47,662 --> 00:04:48,778
Hey, guys.
133
00:04:48,955 --> 00:04:51,413
Boo! Boo!
Nobody likes you, Stan.
134
00:04:51,583 --> 00:04:52,790
Look, I tried talking
to him, all right?
135
00:04:52,959 --> 00:04:55,667
He's just really against
all the things Columbus did.
136
00:04:55,837 --> 00:04:57,544
Does anybody know
what Columbus actually did?
137
00:04:57,714 --> 00:05:00,798
Yeah. In 1492, Columbus got us
a day off school.
138
00:05:00,967 --> 00:05:02,208
That's what matters.
139
00:05:02,385 --> 00:05:03,876
No. No, wait, guys.
Maybe that's it.
140
00:05:04,054 --> 00:05:05,545
When I'm dealing
with my mom,
141
00:05:05,722 --> 00:05:07,509
sometimes it works to be
on her side for a minute.
142
00:05:07,682 --> 00:05:09,139
Maybe we should find out
all the things
143
00:05:09,309 --> 00:05:10,425
people find offensive
about Columbus and...
144
00:05:10,602 --> 00:05:11,592
And then totally act
like we care.
145
00:05:11,770 --> 00:05:13,511
I like it, Kyle.
146
00:05:13,688 --> 00:05:15,020
I'll just look up
"Columbus, offensive, inflammatory..."
147
00:05:15,190 --> 00:05:17,273
Yeah, this is sweet.
148
00:05:17,442 --> 00:05:19,354
It's like that movie where the dude pretended
to be on the monster's side.
149
00:05:19,528 --> 00:05:20,894
You know, with the guy and the chick
that had the wife beater on,
150
00:05:21,071 --> 00:05:22,061
but her boobs were sweaty
so you could see them.
151
00:05:22,239 --> 00:05:23,229
Oh, I love
that movie!
152
00:05:23,406 --> 00:05:24,317
Yeah, this is
a lot like that.
153
00:05:24,491 --> 00:05:25,777
What'd you find, Kyle?
154
00:05:25,951 --> 00:05:27,067
Nothing.
155
00:05:27,244 --> 00:05:29,327
Dang it!
There's nothing?
156
00:05:29,496 --> 00:05:31,909
Stan, can I talk to you
for a minute?
157
00:05:32,082 --> 00:05:34,540
What? What?
What the hell was that?
158
00:05:37,045 --> 00:05:37,910
Hey, Dad?
159
00:05:38,088 --> 00:05:39,499
Not now, Stan.
160
00:05:39,673 --> 00:05:41,084
I'm working on a proposal
161
00:05:41,258 --> 00:05:43,124
to change British Colombia
to just British.
162
00:05:43,301 --> 00:05:45,543
But, Dad, Kyle
found a picture on Instagram.
163
00:05:45,720 --> 00:05:47,382
It pretty much looks like you
164
00:05:47,556 --> 00:05:49,764
dressed as Columbus
at a Halloween party.
165
00:05:49,933 --> 00:05:51,140
♪♪
166
00:05:51,309 --> 00:05:52,550
Where did you get that?
167
00:05:52,727 --> 00:05:53,763
If you hate Columbus
so much,
168
00:05:53,937 --> 00:05:55,178
why'd you
dress up like him?
169
00:05:55,355 --> 00:05:57,347
Look, that was
a long time ago. Okay?
170
00:05:57,524 --> 00:05:59,231
Just a dumb
Halloween costume.
171
00:05:59,401 --> 00:06:00,733
Yeah, but...
here's you
172
00:06:00,902 --> 00:06:02,359
dressed as Columbus
at a formal dinner,
173
00:06:02,529 --> 00:06:03,110
and here's you
dressed as Columbus
174
00:06:03,280 --> 00:06:04,691
at a football game.
175
00:06:04,865 --> 00:06:06,777
And you as Columbus
on St. Patrick's day.
176
00:06:06,950 --> 00:06:10,034
Look, I was younger!
We were all younger.
177
00:06:10,203 --> 00:06:11,990
It was another time.
178
00:06:12,163 --> 00:06:15,327
You have to understand,
it was 2013.
179
00:06:15,500 --> 00:06:17,708
Everyone was stoked
on Columbus back then.
180
00:06:17,878 --> 00:06:20,086
Yeah, but, Dad, you seem to be
really stoked on Columbus.
181
00:06:20,255 --> 00:06:22,338
If you guys found
those pictures online,
182
00:06:22,507 --> 00:06:25,090
it's only a matter of time
before everyone else does.
183
00:06:25,260 --> 00:06:27,343
People won't care
about what I do now.
184
00:06:27,512 --> 00:06:28,969
They'll just see me
185
00:06:29,139 --> 00:06:32,348
as a thoughtless,
indigenous son of a bitch.
186
00:06:37,689 --> 00:06:40,397
Randy, do you mind cleaning out
the garage like I asked?
187
00:06:40,567 --> 00:06:41,899
What's the point, Sharon?
188
00:06:42,068 --> 00:06:43,775
Soon they're gonna be
coming after me.
189
00:06:43,945 --> 00:06:46,688
Ugh.
190
00:06:46,865 --> 00:06:48,572
Announcer: Hey, you!
191
00:06:48,742 --> 00:06:50,404
That's right, you!
192
00:06:50,577 --> 00:06:53,160
Wouldn't you like to know
the story of you?
193
00:06:53,330 --> 00:06:55,367
What makes you, you?
194
00:06:55,540 --> 00:06:57,372
DNAandMe
is a genetic service
195
00:06:57,542 --> 00:06:59,124
that can help you find out
196
00:06:59,294 --> 00:07:01,081
exactly who
your ancestors were.
197
00:07:01,254 --> 00:07:02,790
You might be surprised.
198
00:07:02,964 --> 00:07:05,081
I thought I was just
a standard white guy.
199
00:07:05,258 --> 00:07:07,170
But DNAandMe showed
200
00:07:07,344 --> 00:07:10,837
that I'm actually
4.2% Cherokee Indian.
201
00:07:11,014 --> 00:07:13,051
Turns out
I'm not totally white.
202
00:07:13,224 --> 00:07:16,137
I'm also part Northern Asian,
and even some Kurdish!
203
00:07:16,311 --> 00:07:18,018
I'm a victim of oppression!
204
00:07:18,188 --> 00:07:20,851
I used to get in trouble
for always using the "N" word.
205
00:07:21,024 --> 00:07:25,064
But with DNAandMe, I found out
that I'm 2. 1% black!
206
00:07:25,236 --> 00:07:25,851
Morning, Steve.
207
00:07:26,029 --> 00:07:27,645
'Sup, nigga.
208
00:07:27,822 --> 00:07:29,233
Announcer:
The test is easy.
209
00:07:29,407 --> 00:07:30,773
Simply swab
the inside of your mouth
210
00:07:30,951 --> 00:07:32,487
and send it in
to our labs.
211
00:07:32,661 --> 00:07:34,618
People made fun of me
for being French.
212
00:07:34,788 --> 00:07:37,405
DNAandMe showed
I was 8% Navajo.
213
00:07:37,582 --> 00:07:38,993
Nobody's making fun of me now,
214
00:07:39,167 --> 00:07:40,829
or my people,
who were victims.
215
00:07:41,002 --> 00:07:42,743
I'm 13% victim!
216
00:07:42,921 --> 00:07:44,503
I'm 21% victim.
217
00:07:44,673 --> 00:07:46,414
Announcer:
Order now and find out
218
00:07:46,591 --> 00:07:48,753
if your friends should be
more sympathetic towards you.
219
00:07:48,927 --> 00:07:51,795
DNAandMe.
Are you in?
220
00:07:51,972 --> 00:07:53,838
Hell fuckin' yes,
I'm in.
221
00:07:54,015 --> 00:07:56,348
[ Indistinct chatter ]
222
00:07:59,396 --> 00:08:01,479
[ Chatter continues ]
223
00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:12,903
All right. Everyone's here.
Let's do this.
224
00:08:13,076 --> 00:08:14,487
Here you go,
just like I said.
225
00:08:14,661 --> 00:08:16,903
$100 cash.
No questions asked.
226
00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:18,491
Are we good?
227
00:08:19,416 --> 00:08:21,032
Good.
No talking. Perfect.
228
00:08:21,209 --> 00:08:23,792
Okay.
Let's get this over with.
229
00:08:34,806 --> 00:08:35,887
Thank you.
230
00:08:36,057 --> 00:08:38,424
Do not talk of this
to anyone.
231
00:08:41,312 --> 00:08:43,679
All right, everybody!
Hey, thanks for coming.
232
00:08:43,857 --> 00:08:45,143
If, uh, I can have
your attention, please,
233
00:08:45,316 --> 00:08:47,057
I think we're ready
to get started.
234
00:08:47,235 --> 00:08:48,567
Uh, Mr. Marsh, you know
235
00:08:48,737 --> 00:08:50,023
none of this
was really necessary.
236
00:08:50,196 --> 00:08:51,687
For DNAandMe testing,
237
00:08:51,865 --> 00:08:53,447
you can just swab the inside
of your mouth yourself
238
00:08:53,616 --> 00:08:55,232
and send it in the mail.
239
00:08:55,410 --> 00:08:57,322
Yeah, I know, but I just...
I was really excited about it,
240
00:08:57,495 --> 00:08:59,532
wanted everyone
to witness my test.
241
00:08:59,706 --> 00:09:00,867
Well, to each their own,
I suppose.
242
00:09:01,041 --> 00:09:02,452
All right.
Open wide.
243
00:09:02,625 --> 00:09:06,494
Ahh...
244
00:09:06,671 --> 00:09:08,082
Okay. I'll get this
back to the lab
245
00:09:08,256 --> 00:09:09,747
and get the results to you
as soon as possible.
246
00:09:09,924 --> 00:09:12,382
Okay, great.
I'm very interested to see
247
00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:15,716
what those results
have to say.
248
00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:20,350
[ Telephone rings ]
249
00:09:20,518 --> 00:09:22,100
Galtman residence.
250
00:09:22,270 --> 00:09:23,932
[Distorted]
Listen to me carefully.
251
00:09:24,105 --> 00:09:26,062
The man who convinced you
to cancel Columbus Day
252
00:09:26,232 --> 00:09:27,439
is a fraud.
253
00:09:27,609 --> 00:09:28,975
Who is this?
254
00:09:29,152 --> 00:09:30,939
You will go online
and search Instagram
255
00:09:31,112 --> 00:09:33,069
for images of Randy Marsh.
256
00:09:33,239 --> 00:09:34,650
I most certainly
will not.
257
00:09:34,824 --> 00:09:37,111
Randy Marsh is
a hypocrite and a fake.
258
00:09:37,285 --> 00:09:40,198
You will be taken down with him
when he is exposed.
259
00:09:40,371 --> 00:09:41,111
What's he saying?
260
00:09:41,289 --> 00:09:42,655
Shh!
Mprphph mhprphm!
261
00:09:42,832 --> 00:09:44,164
We know where you live,
262
00:09:44,334 --> 00:09:46,166
and we know how
to make you suffer.
263
00:09:46,336 --> 00:09:48,328
Now you listen here,
Mr. Man.
264
00:09:48,505 --> 00:09:49,666
The Galtmans
do not believe
265
00:09:49,839 --> 00:09:51,501
in social media
or the Internet.
266
00:09:51,674 --> 00:09:54,166
It's all fake news.
Fake news.
267
00:09:54,344 --> 00:09:56,256
Then speak
with Marsh yourself.
268
00:09:56,429 --> 00:09:59,547
The truth is out there.
269
00:09:59,724 --> 00:10:00,885
Mrph. Rm rmhmhm
rm mrph rmhmhm.
270
00:10:01,059 --> 00:10:03,301
Hmmm. Sounds like
maybe the Galtmans
271
00:10:03,478 --> 00:10:05,060
need to check out
Randy Marsh.
272
00:10:05,230 --> 00:10:06,812
♪♪
273
00:10:08,608 --> 00:10:12,898
♪♪
274
00:10:13,071 --> 00:10:15,154
Shelley,
we've got an emergency!
275
00:10:15,323 --> 00:10:17,235
We're getting rid of all the
Columbus stuff in this house!
276
00:10:17,408 --> 00:10:19,070
Any Columbus costumes,
Columbus pictures...
277
00:10:19,244 --> 00:10:20,485
They all got to go!
278
00:10:20,662 --> 00:10:22,654
I don't give a shit
about Columbus.
279
00:10:22,831 --> 00:10:25,039
Sharon,
Peter Galtman called.
280
00:10:25,208 --> 00:10:26,415
He sounds suspicious.
We got to get rid
281
00:10:26,584 --> 00:10:27,665
of all our Columbus shot glasses
and coffee cups.
282
00:10:27,836 --> 00:10:29,452
Where are they?
283
00:10:29,629 --> 00:10:31,461
Your Columbus shot glasses
and coffee cups
284
00:10:31,631 --> 00:10:33,088
are in that cupboard.
285
00:10:33,258 --> 00:10:36,251
Shot glasses, coffee cups,
towels, plates...
286
00:10:36,427 --> 00:10:38,669
What about the Columbus figurine
salt and pepper shakers?
287
00:10:38,847 --> 00:10:41,089
I don't know where
you put them, Randy.
288
00:10:41,266 --> 00:10:42,677
Sharon, do you know
what they'll do to us
289
00:10:42,851 --> 00:10:44,888
when they find out how stoked
we were on Columbus?
290
00:10:45,061 --> 00:10:47,519
You were stoked on Columbus,
Randy. Not me.
291
00:10:47,689 --> 00:10:48,645
Oh, really?!
292
00:10:48,815 --> 00:10:50,431
Did you forget
our wedding?!
293
00:10:50,608 --> 00:10:52,190
That's you right there,
294
00:10:52,360 --> 00:10:53,851
standing there
with a big smile on your face.
295
00:10:54,028 --> 00:10:55,519
You didn't say
anything about it
296
00:10:55,697 --> 00:10:56,938
being insensitive then,
did you?
297
00:10:57,115 --> 00:10:58,572
I actually was
a little upset
298
00:10:58,741 --> 00:11:00,073
that you dressed up as Columbus
for our wedding,
299
00:11:00,243 --> 00:11:02,030
- but I decided...
- Oh, now!
300
00:11:02,203 --> 00:11:04,695
You say that now, 'cause
everyone's freaking out.
301
00:11:04,873 --> 00:11:07,081
But you were right there,
going along with it!
302
00:11:07,250 --> 00:11:10,334
They're gonna be coming
after you, too, Sharon!
303
00:11:10,503 --> 00:11:12,495
So you can just wipe that
indigenous look off your face.
304
00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:13,879
[ Doorbell rings ]
305
00:11:14,048 --> 00:11:16,165
Oh! That could be
my DNA results!
306
00:11:16,342 --> 00:11:18,459
Here, take this stuff
out back!
307
00:11:26,477 --> 00:11:28,935
Oh, no, no, no,
no, no, no.
308
00:11:29,105 --> 00:11:32,894
I've never felt so alive
until now.
309
00:11:33,067 --> 00:11:35,980
Thank you.
Lo-Lovely flowers. Thank you.
310
00:11:36,154 --> 00:11:38,646
[ Telephone rings ]
311
00:11:38,823 --> 00:11:40,564
Galtman residence.
312
00:11:40,742 --> 00:11:42,574
[Distorted] Listen carefully
if you want to live.
313
00:11:42,744 --> 00:11:45,532
You will make this Monday
a school holiday.
314
00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:48,698
I spoke with Mr. Marsh,
and he denied any wrong doing.
315
00:11:48,875 --> 00:11:49,865
Of course he did!
316
00:11:50,043 --> 00:11:51,579
That's what liars do!
317
00:11:51,753 --> 00:11:53,335
I don't think you're being
intimidating enough.
318
00:11:53,504 --> 00:11:56,167
Yeah, get meaner, Kenny.
Meaner like how, dude?
319
00:11:56,341 --> 00:11:57,707
CARTMAN: [Distorted]
I don't know, like... like maybe say...
320
00:11:57,884 --> 00:11:59,091
Like talk about cutting off
his dick or something.
321
00:11:59,260 --> 00:12:00,922
We're gonna
cut off your dick!
322
00:12:01,095 --> 00:12:02,836
Kyle: [Distorted] No, dude.
That's too far.
323
00:12:03,014 --> 00:12:04,505
Okay, okay, just say we're gonna cut off
part of his dick.
324
00:12:04,682 --> 00:12:05,763
Just give me
the phone.
325
00:12:05,934 --> 00:12:07,220
- Hello?
- What?
326
00:12:07,393 --> 00:12:09,385
Randy Marsh is about to pay
for what he's done.
327
00:12:09,562 --> 00:12:10,894
Protect him
and you will pay, too.
328
00:12:11,064 --> 00:12:13,351
Time is running out.
329
00:12:13,524 --> 00:12:14,514
[ Normal voice ] Jesus!
330
00:12:15,818 --> 00:12:18,811
Sharon, have you seen
my Columbus staff and orb?
331
00:12:18,988 --> 00:12:20,604
I have not.
332
00:12:20,782 --> 00:12:22,273
Sharon, Galtman
called again.
333
00:12:22,450 --> 00:12:24,237
Somebody is out there trying to
get me in trouble.
334
00:12:24,410 --> 00:12:26,652
Randy, why don't you just
admit to people
335
00:12:26,829 --> 00:12:28,991
that maybe you were
somewhat overly excited
336
00:12:29,165 --> 00:12:31,578
about Columbus in the past.
337
00:12:31,751 --> 00:12:33,959
Everyone was excited
about Columbus!
338
00:12:34,128 --> 00:12:36,245
For some reason, people are just
pointing fingers at me.
339
00:12:36,422 --> 00:12:38,209
Just because he's suddenly
not cool now
340
00:12:38,383 --> 00:12:40,966
doesn't mean I'm gonna be
the F'ing scapegoat!
341
00:12:42,553 --> 00:12:45,967
I got to burn
this stuff.
342
00:12:46,140 --> 00:12:47,972
Oh, God damn it.
343
00:12:48,142 --> 00:12:52,227
I wrote you a song
to express my feelings for you.
344
00:12:52,397 --> 00:12:53,478
Will you
get out of here?!
345
00:12:53,648 --> 00:12:58,564
[ Vocalizing ]
346
00:12:58,736 --> 00:13:02,025
♪ And then he kissed me ♪
347
00:13:02,198 --> 00:13:03,530
I didn't kiss you
'cause I like you.
348
00:13:03,700 --> 00:13:07,444
[ Vocalizing ]
349
00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:10,613
♪ And then he kissed me ♪
350
00:13:10,790 --> 00:13:12,156
Okay, okay.
351
00:13:12,333 --> 00:13:14,199
[ Vocalizing ]
352
00:13:14,377 --> 00:13:17,370
♪ And the sun
began to shine ♪
353
00:13:17,547 --> 00:13:19,664
That's it.
Get off my property!
354
00:13:19,841 --> 00:13:21,707
Randy,
I cannot quit you.
355
00:13:21,884 --> 00:13:24,376
Get off my land,
you piece of shit!
356
00:13:30,852 --> 00:13:32,013
Don't post that.
357
00:13:34,772 --> 00:13:38,356
Do not... post that.
358
00:13:38,526 --> 00:13:40,017
Shit!
359
00:13:43,906 --> 00:13:44,817
Guys, what are
you doing?
360
00:13:44,991 --> 00:13:46,402
It's over, Eric.
361
00:13:46,576 --> 00:13:48,067
We have to come to school
on Monday.
362
00:13:48,244 --> 00:13:49,610
Just face it.
363
00:13:49,787 --> 00:13:51,403
I'm not facing anything.
We still have time.
364
00:13:51,581 --> 00:13:52,662
There has to be
a way we can...
365
00:13:52,832 --> 00:13:54,448
Dude, there's nothing
we can do, all right?
366
00:13:54,625 --> 00:13:57,242
Oh, okay. I see.
367
00:13:57,420 --> 00:13:59,503
Is that what Columbus did?
Just give up?
368
00:13:59,672 --> 00:14:02,585
On his dream?
No.
369
00:14:02,759 --> 00:14:05,342
Columbus believed that kids
should have a day off school.
370
00:14:05,511 --> 00:14:07,753
And even when his own country
wouldn't support his cause,
371
00:14:07,930 --> 00:14:10,138
Columbus said, "Fine.
I'll go find a new land
372
00:14:10,308 --> 00:14:11,799
where kids
can have that day off."
373
00:14:11,976 --> 00:14:13,308
Eric, just let it go.
374
00:14:13,478 --> 00:14:15,640
And when Columbus
sailed to distant places
375
00:14:15,813 --> 00:14:17,270
only to find people
already there
376
00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:19,102
who said, "No!
Stay off our land!
377
00:14:19,275 --> 00:14:21,187
We want our kids
to have to go to school!"
378
00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:23,318
He said, "No!
It's just one day in October.
379
00:14:23,488 --> 00:14:24,979
They need a break!"
380
00:14:25,156 --> 00:14:27,694
You guys can all give up,
but I'm not.
381
00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:32,783
Because in 1492, Columbus
got us all a day off school.
382
00:14:32,955 --> 00:14:35,163
With just three ships,
he sailed over
383
00:14:35,333 --> 00:14:38,246
so we could have
some 'me time' in October.
384
00:14:38,419 --> 00:14:39,955
And, yes,
millions were slaughtered
385
00:14:40,129 --> 00:14:41,415
and throats were cut.
386
00:14:41,589 --> 00:14:43,672
But if we don't get
that day off school,
387
00:14:43,841 --> 00:14:47,630
then for what?
388
00:14:47,804 --> 00:14:49,215
Come on, guys.
389
00:14:49,389 --> 00:14:50,425
There's something else
we can try.
390
00:14:52,809 --> 00:14:55,927
[ Urinating ]
391
00:14:56,104 --> 00:14:57,811
- Sharon, good news!
- What?!
392
00:14:57,980 --> 00:14:59,562
The people from the DNA test
called!
393
00:14:59,732 --> 00:15:00,973
They're on their way over.
You want to come down?
394
00:15:01,150 --> 00:15:02,607
I'm doing something.
395
00:15:02,777 --> 00:15:03,733
You sure?
396
00:15:03,903 --> 00:15:05,690
These results could
be really interesting.
397
00:15:07,407 --> 00:15:09,490
Oh, God damn it!
What the hell do you want?
398
00:15:09,659 --> 00:15:12,572
I want you to stop
running from yourself.
399
00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:14,327
We could be so happy.
400
00:15:14,497 --> 00:15:15,362
[ Doorbell rings ]
401
00:15:15,540 --> 00:15:17,247
Crap, it's them!
402
00:15:17,417 --> 00:15:19,124
Just a second! Be right there!
Thanks!
403
00:15:19,293 --> 00:15:21,000
Get over here!
404
00:15:21,170 --> 00:15:23,207
I don't have any feelings
for you. Do you understand?
405
00:15:23,381 --> 00:15:25,498
But, Randy,
what about the...
406
00:15:25,675 --> 00:15:28,167
No! No buts!
There's nothing here.
407
00:15:28,344 --> 00:15:31,462
I'm not in love with you,
got it?!
408
00:15:31,639 --> 00:15:32,925
Yes.
409
00:15:33,099 --> 00:15:34,931
Yes, I understand.
410
00:15:35,101 --> 00:15:37,434
Good. Now leave.
411
00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:42,932
Hi. Sorry.
You guys have my results?
412
00:15:43,109 --> 00:15:44,850
Well, Mr. Marsh,
we came because
413
00:15:45,027 --> 00:15:47,861
there was an irregularity
with your test.
414
00:15:48,030 --> 00:15:49,646
What, you found something there
you didn't expect to find?
415
00:15:49,824 --> 00:15:51,031
What is it?
416
00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:52,611
Well, it's just
a little too odd.
417
00:15:52,785 --> 00:15:54,242
We need to do
the test again.
418
00:15:54,412 --> 00:15:55,778
Do it again?
That's not fair.
419
00:15:55,955 --> 00:15:57,162
Mr. Marsh, please,
420
00:15:57,331 --> 00:15:58,538
if we could just have
one more sample.
421
00:15:58,708 --> 00:15:59,949
We want to be
absolutely sure
422
00:16:00,126 --> 00:16:00,991
of what we found.
423
00:16:01,169 --> 00:16:02,831
Uh... okay,
no problem.
424
00:16:03,004 --> 00:16:06,247
Give me... Give me
one sec. I'll be right back.
425
00:16:06,424 --> 00:16:09,007
Wait! Wait!
426
00:16:17,393 --> 00:16:19,259
Okay. Okay.
All set. Let's do this.
427
00:16:19,437 --> 00:16:21,019
Ahh!
428
00:16:21,189 --> 00:16:23,681
Mr. Marsh, we were hoping
to do a more precise test.
429
00:16:23,858 --> 00:16:25,440
It's better
for harder cases like this,
430
00:16:25,610 --> 00:16:29,274
but it is an anal swab
this time.
431
00:16:29,447 --> 00:16:31,109
An anal swab?
432
00:16:31,282 --> 00:16:34,571
Give me..
tw... three minutes.
433
00:16:34,744 --> 00:16:36,451
[ Whispering ]
Hey, where'd you go?
434
00:16:36,621 --> 00:16:37,737
Mr. Marsh, we're in
a bit of a hurry
435
00:16:37,914 --> 00:16:39,155
if you don't mind.
436
00:16:39,332 --> 00:16:41,995
[ Normal voice ] Oh.
Oh, shit.
437
00:16:44,587 --> 00:16:50,709
♪♪
438
00:16:51,761 --> 00:16:54,128
All right, it's clear.
Bring him in.
439
00:16:54,305 --> 00:16:55,512
Move your ass,
Galtman!
440
00:16:55,681 --> 00:16:57,013
This is a violation
of my rights.
441
00:16:57,183 --> 00:16:58,549
Just shut up
and watch
442
00:16:58,726 --> 00:17:00,137
what someone posted
on their Instagram!
443
00:17:00,311 --> 00:17:02,143
I most certainly
will not!
444
00:17:02,313 --> 00:17:04,475
If you want me to look at
the internet, I will die first.
445
00:17:04,649 --> 00:17:05,639
It's fake news.
446
00:17:06,859 --> 00:17:09,317
That's why we had it
transferred to vhs.
447
00:17:09,487 --> 00:17:10,352
Oh.
Vhs is fine.
448
00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:12,066
Take off
his blindfold.
449
00:17:14,075 --> 00:17:16,567
Get off my land,
you piece of shit!
450
00:17:18,955 --> 00:17:20,116
Don't post that.
451
00:17:20,289 --> 00:17:21,530
Hmm.
452
00:17:36,722 --> 00:17:38,634
Oh, Mr. Marsh.
453
00:17:38,808 --> 00:17:41,972
Oh, hey!
How are you?
454
00:17:42,144 --> 00:17:44,807
Good.
What are you up to?
455
00:17:44,981 --> 00:17:47,689
Chillin', chillin'.
456
00:17:47,858 --> 00:17:51,022
Well, uh, we did get your DNA
results back this morning.
457
00:17:51,195 --> 00:17:52,436
Would you like to go over them?
458
00:17:52,613 --> 00:17:54,320
Oh, you did?
Oh, great.
459
00:17:54,490 --> 00:17:56,527
Sure.
Why not? I'm here.
460
00:17:56,701 --> 00:17:58,408
Let's, uh...
Let's do that.
461
00:17:58,578 --> 00:17:59,864
Man: All right, Mr. Marsh,
462
00:18:00,037 --> 00:18:01,619
here's your
DNAandMe portfolio.
463
00:18:01,789 --> 00:18:03,872
This shows
that we actually found
464
00:18:04,041 --> 00:18:06,499
a mix of a few things
in your regional ancestry.
465
00:18:06,669 --> 00:18:08,956
Really? Like Native American?!
Like... Like a little bit?!
466
00:18:09,130 --> 00:18:10,837
No, we didn't find any trace
467
00:18:11,007 --> 00:18:12,999
of any Native American DNA
in your test...
468
00:18:13,175 --> 00:18:15,041
Nuts.
469
00:18:15,219 --> 00:18:16,835
But as you can see here,
we found
470
00:18:17,013 --> 00:18:19,050
that you're about
43% Northern European,
471
00:18:19,223 --> 00:18:20,839
37% Mediterranean,
472
00:18:21,017 --> 00:18:23,304
and 18% Southwest Asian.
473
00:18:23,477 --> 00:18:26,060
In fact, your genetic profile
most closely matches...
474
00:18:26,230 --> 00:18:28,222
your standard
Caucasian British person.
475
00:18:28,399 --> 00:18:29,685
[ Sighs ]
476
00:18:29,859 --> 00:18:31,395
And you might
be interested to know
477
00:18:31,569 --> 00:18:34,607
that you are actually
2.8 % Neanderthal,
478
00:18:34,780 --> 00:18:35,770
which is fairly high.
479
00:18:35,948 --> 00:18:36,984
Neanderthal?
480
00:18:37,158 --> 00:18:38,490
What the hell is that about?
481
00:18:38,659 --> 00:18:40,446
Well, the Neanderthals
were actually a species
482
00:18:40,620 --> 00:18:42,077
that was wiped out
by homo sapiens.
483
00:18:42,246 --> 00:18:44,954
Wiped out...
all of my people?
484
00:18:45,124 --> 00:18:46,911
Yes, but you see,
because of some cross breeding,
485
00:18:47,084 --> 00:18:49,041
some people like you
still possess
486
00:18:49,211 --> 00:18:50,042
Neanderthal DNA.
487
00:18:50,212 --> 00:18:51,293
Isn't that interesting?
488
00:18:51,464 --> 00:18:54,081
Cross breeding?
You mean rape.
489
00:18:54,258 --> 00:18:56,545
You're telling me
that my ancestors
490
00:18:56,719 --> 00:18:59,132
were raped
and then eradicated by you...
491
00:18:59,305 --> 00:19:01,718
you maniacs?!
492
00:19:01,891 --> 00:19:03,848
The Earth wasn't big enough
for Neanderthals,
493
00:19:04,018 --> 00:19:06,510
So your ancestors
just got rid of them, huh?!
494
00:19:06,687 --> 00:19:09,771
Well, to hell with all of you!
495
00:19:19,659 --> 00:19:22,493
Well, well.
Mr. Marsh.
496
00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:23,994
I'd like to have a word, please.
497
00:19:27,792 --> 00:19:29,328
You find this funny,
Galtman?!
498
00:19:29,502 --> 00:19:30,959
What'd I do?
499
00:19:31,128 --> 00:19:32,460
Nobody had the guts
500
00:19:32,630 --> 00:19:34,462
to tell me what happened
to my people, huh?
501
00:19:34,632 --> 00:19:36,294
Get the hell out of here!
502
00:19:36,467 --> 00:19:39,505
I brought my parents over
so you could meet them.
503
00:19:39,679 --> 00:19:42,296
Oh, God!
504
00:19:42,473 --> 00:19:43,680
Don't worry.
505
00:19:43,849 --> 00:19:46,967
My parents are very okay
and cool with us.
506
00:19:47,144 --> 00:19:48,726
Who the hell is that?
507
00:19:48,896 --> 00:19:51,263
Yeah, sure, everyone gang up
on the Neanderthal!
508
00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:52,521
Isn't it funny?!
509
00:19:52,692 --> 00:19:55,355
Randy, you must face
who you are.
510
00:19:55,528 --> 00:19:57,736
Stop pretending, Randy.
511
00:19:57,905 --> 00:20:02,115
For once, just allow
yourself to feel.
512
00:20:02,284 --> 00:20:04,617
[ Sighs ]
513
00:20:04,787 --> 00:20:08,246
You're right.
You're right.
514
00:20:08,416 --> 00:20:12,126
It's only now, when everyone's
being so indigenous to me,
515
00:20:12,294 --> 00:20:16,004
That I realize how indigenous
I've been acting all along.
516
00:20:16,173 --> 00:20:19,337
I thought being a victim
would solve all my problems.
517
00:20:19,510 --> 00:20:21,968
But being a victim
has a downside, too.
518
00:20:22,138 --> 00:20:24,926
Mr. Galtman,
I haven't been honest.
519
00:20:25,099 --> 00:20:29,218
It's time for us all
to be honest.
520
00:20:29,395 --> 00:20:32,559
What is a holiday?
521
00:20:32,732 --> 00:20:35,816
It's a day off work, yes,
a day off school.
522
00:20:35,985 --> 00:20:39,774
But holidays are also meant
to be a time to reflect.
523
00:20:39,947 --> 00:20:42,530
Today, I'm happy to announce
524
00:20:42,700 --> 00:20:44,316
that the school calendar
committee
525
00:20:44,493 --> 00:20:46,325
is reinstating the day off.
526
00:20:46,495 --> 00:20:48,202
[ Cheers and applause ]
527
00:20:48,372 --> 00:20:50,989
But instead
of glorifying anyone,
528
00:20:51,167 --> 00:20:52,954
let us make it a holiday
529
00:20:53,127 --> 00:20:56,086
about the negative feelings
that we all sometimes feel,
530
00:20:56,255 --> 00:20:59,168
say what we're really thinking
so we can move on.
531
00:20:59,341 --> 00:21:01,298
And so, the second Monday
of October
532
00:21:01,469 --> 00:21:03,210
will still be a holiday.
533
00:21:03,387 --> 00:21:04,923
But instead of Columbus Day,
534
00:21:05,097 --> 00:21:06,554
it will be
for ripping on each other
535
00:21:06,724 --> 00:21:08,181
and tearing each other down,
536
00:21:08,350 --> 00:21:11,058
and we will call it
Indigenous Peoples Day.
537
00:21:11,228 --> 00:21:14,062
For, perhaps, if we all do it
at the same time,
538
00:21:14,231 --> 00:21:17,019
we won't be so indigenous
the rest of the year.
539
00:21:17,193 --> 00:21:19,856
And since this is the second
Monday of October,
540
00:21:20,029 --> 00:21:22,237
let's all embrace
the new meaning of the holiday
541
00:21:22,406 --> 00:21:23,522
starting right now.
542
00:21:23,699 --> 00:21:25,065
Do you even know
543
00:21:25,242 --> 00:21:26,824
what indigenous means,
you frickin' idiot?
544
00:21:26,994 --> 00:21:28,485
That's the spirit, Dave!
Come on!
545
00:21:28,662 --> 00:21:30,619
Everybody, let's just all
be totally indigenous!
546
00:21:30,790 --> 00:21:31,280
Come on!
547
00:21:31,457 --> 00:21:34,040
Who the hell let this guy
talk to the school counsel?
548
00:21:34,210 --> 00:21:35,872
Good one, Kurt.
Your wife's a whore.
549
00:21:36,045 --> 00:21:37,286
Come on, everyone!
550
00:21:37,463 --> 00:21:39,045
Indigenous Peoples Day!
Let's go for it!
551
00:21:39,215 --> 00:21:41,047
Woman: Shut up,
and get off the podium!
552
00:21:41,217 --> 00:21:43,254
Okay.
I will in a second, fatso.
553
00:21:43,427 --> 00:21:44,634
All right.
Who else?
554
00:21:44,804 --> 00:21:46,295
Come on!
Get it out of your system!
555
00:21:46,472 --> 00:21:48,088
Happy Indigenous Peoples Day,
everyone.
556
00:21:48,265 --> 00:21:49,096
Suck my asshole.
557
00:21:49,146 --> 00:21:53,696
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