Original subtitles

♪ If you'll open up your soul ♪

♪ And let my love come in ♪

♪ If you'll spread your lovely arms ♪

♪ The sky will start to spin ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Aren't you feeling a great big vibration ♪

♪ And a warm flow of anticipation ♪

♪ With a flood of sensation ♪

♪ You know that in the end ♪

♪ You'll give in ♪

♪ Groove into it ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Just let yourself groove into it ♪

♪ Come on move into it ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Be free and you'll groove into it ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I wanna move and groove and move and groove and move ♪

♪ And fill you with my love ♪

♪ On the soft sand of a beach ♪

♪ All warm upon your skin ♪

♪ Let the juices of a peach ♪

♪ Go runnin' down your chin ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Let's go diving in Pussycat fountains ♪

♪ Let's go climbing in Pussycat mountains ♪

♪ Let's walk the clouds ♪

♪ Let's fly the wind ♪

♪ Let's touch the sun ♪

♪ So groove into it ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Be free, just groove into it Come on ♪

♪ Come on, move into it ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ You'll see you'll groove into it ♪

♪ I wanna move and groove and move and groove and move ♪

♪ I wanna groove ♪

♪ Pussycat, Pussycat ♪

NARRATOR: Rome, the eternal city.

The Colosseum, a monument to Julius Caesar.

The Trevi Fountain, a monument to Pope Alexander.

Piazza Navona, a monument to the great Bernini.

St. Peter's, a monument to God.

[HONKING]

The traffic jam, a monument to Henry Ford.

[ALL HONKING]

Fred Dobbs.

He's more worried about losing his hair than losing his wife.

Right now he's late to his appointment with his scalp therapist.

This man.

Anna, my dear, may I see you a moment?

His name is Dr. Fahrquardt.

He has no degree. That's his name.

Like yours is Irving, his is doctor.

Meet Anna, the doctor's wife.

Few of us are happily married, but this is ridiculous.

[DR. FAHRQUARDT GRUNTS]

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

[VEHICLES HONKING]

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

Tell, come on. Tell me.

I'm losing my hair, I just know it. Look.

Let me worry about your hair.

Now, just tell me about all those girls, eh?

NARRATOR: Dr. Fahrquardt is interested in Fred's sex life

because he gets none of his own.

Having met his wife, you can understand why.

Who said anything about girls?

I did. Just now. Didn't you hear me?

What's the matter? You losing your hearing, too?

Too? Then I am losing my hair. You...

Even as we speak.

But so long as these two hands...

God bless them....keep their skill,

you'll have a little something left to comb.

NARRATOR: This clown really believes he's a scalp therapist.

The sad thing is his patients believe it, too.

I...

just couldn't stand being bald.

Who could?

It's disgusting. All that empty space gleaming up at everybody

like an undiapered baby.

Oh, it's obscene.

No more so than your dream about being shipwrecked on that desert island.

Just you and that male gorilla.

[GASPING]

Low pain threshold, eh?

You must have been pretty scared of that gorilla.

Terrified.

Perfectly normal.

Well, the hell he was. He fell in love with me.

I love you.

I ran.

Oh, masculine protest, eh?

Then why can't you run from those girls?

It's not the same thing.

You're right...

You're, you're right. You're right. I can't say no.

My darling wife, for example.

DR. FAHRQUARDT: To whom you're criminally unfaithful.

My Mistress Ornella.

With whom you've had your way, as the old books put it.

And some of those old books put it rather well.

I bet you underlined all the hot passages.

You sex clod!

It's like a disease. And then this wild, new pussycat.

What? Gwendolyn.

Gwen-do-lyn.

I hate to tell you about Gwendolyn.

What hate?

It's the least you can do while I stand here

trying to save your morally exhausted hair.

I am most grateful.

As well you should be.

Without me you'd be a melon with eyes.

Now tell me about this...

Gwen...

I couldn't say no to Gwen.

She was cold, unattainable. The absolute end.

Oh, a real pageant, go.

FRED: We were alone together, by accident.

DR. FAHRQUARDT: Gwen...

I don't care if I am your wife's sister.

It's more erotic this way.

Right.

If it happens, it happens, Pussycat.

Let nature take its course.

Right.

I dig nature.Right.

It's beautiful. I dig nature.

Start digging.

[WATCH BUZZING]

My time's up.

But time...

What is time when

scalp-wise a scientific breakthrough is imminent?

Easy, now, easy, Victor Vicarious.

You interested in my scalp or my women?

Oh, don't give me that holier-than-thou attitude, Clyde.

If just once

I treated your rapidly vanishing hair

without checking on the distaff action,

you'd choke with frustration.

You dig re-living it.

That's how sick you are.

No.Yes.

No.Yes.

No! Yes!

No! Yes!

No! Yes!

No! Yes!

Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Desist, sir!

Cease these unmanly tears immediately,

or I shall be forced to lock you in the little dark room. Ah?

Now, calm for your own good.

Tell?

You bet your scalp.

FRED: It all started at the Battle of the Bulge.

DR. FAHRQUARDT: The Battle of the Bulge?

FRED: A ladies' reducing salon.

Oh, they take men on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

DR. FAHRQUARDT: And you went on Friday?

FRED: Well, I am, er, normal.

[WOMEN GIGGLE]

Good afternoon, Madame.

My name's Liz. I hope you enjoy your massage.

[GASPS]

Hello.

[WHISPERS] I don't know who you are,

but get the hell out of here before I call the polizia.

Pussycat,

if you were going to call the polizia, would you be whispering?

I'll give you that. What do you want?

Don't you remember? My name's Fred C. Dobbs.

From that big party at the villa.

Oh, yes.

How've you been? Very well, thank you. And you?

Fine, thank you.

And now that the social interlude is over,

kindly get the hell out of here or I'll lose me job.

Oh, you disappoint me.

A pox on your disappointment. Out.

[SCREAMS] A man.

[WOMEN SCREAMING]

[BARKING]

[SCREAMING CONTINUES]

[MIDDLE EASTERN MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, that was a good one.

Well, one does one's best.

One got one fired from one's job.

I'm terribly sorry.

Look, it wasn't my fault.

I didn't know those women were going to react like that.

Promise to make it up to one in a big way.

'Ow big?

Modesty prevents one from saying.

Does one live far? Near.

Good. With one's mum.

Bad.

Look, maybe we can save it for another night.

Don't let's lose one's head.

One's losing one's mood.

I'll come up with something.

Fernando. Fernando?

Fernando. Fernando?

Look, did I wake you?

Is it really?

You're right, you know?

Quarter to 5:00 on the button. Right.

Fever?

A hundred and four?

Listen, Fernando.

Make sure you get plenty of Aspirin and hot juices.

Fernando, I need a favor.

Would you mind going to an all-night movie for a couple of hours

and letting me use your place?

[HANGS UP]

Fernando?

Fernando, pronto.

Fernando, pronto.

Pronto, Fernando.

Fernando, pro... We were disconnected.

That usually 'appens when the other party hangs up.

Look, it's late.

I'm tired.

I want to go 'ome.

Go home?

But we haven't eve...

We...

We haven't.

Well, let's say we have.

I'll back you up if you want to brag to your friends.

You've got me all wrong. I'm a gentleman. I would never dream of talking...

Unless it actually 'appened.

Well, of course.

Well, let's say it did. You know, mentally.

Mentally?

Somehow or other it's

not quite as much fun.

I didn't think it would be.

[GIGGLES]

You can't leave me here like this.

Oh, no! But I've got a car.

That's the first nice thing you've said to me tonight.

Fernando?

Fernando, how you feeling, kid?

Any better?

[WHISTLES] That high, huh?

Well, we won't be using your place after all, she's got a car. Now listen, Fernan...

Hold on a moment, would you?

My dear.

Man talk.

If Millie calls, I'm with you. If Ornella checks, the same goes for her.

Goodbye. Hm?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. No, Millie is my wife.

Ornella's my mistress.

Fernando, you've got to remember.

Millie, wife.

Ornella, mistress.

Write it down.

Hm?

Get up and get a pencil.

Well, open the oxygen tent and get one from the doctor.

Well, ask the priest if he has one.

[HANGS UP]

Fernando? Fer...

Fernando? Pronto!

He's got a lot to learn about being a true friend.

So, how was it?

Huh? Beautiful. I loved it. Who doesn't?

Still I'm eaten up with guilt. Millie, my poor wife.

Oh, don't be such a worry wart.

You know the saying "Worry and care will make you lose your hair."

That's an old wives' tale.

How many bald old wives do you know?

It's amazing, Doctor.

After a session with you, I feel so completely unburdened.

Incredible what you accomplish with a mere scalp treatment.

What scalp?

I treat the total man from head to foot.

With a stop in between at the wallet.

Which reminds you...

Tomorrow. And tomorrow,

and tomorrow.

And you'll tell me the details about the dream

you're going to have tonight about the gorilla.

I am not going to dream about that gorilla.

Oh, the gorilla. He's closing on me.

He's gaining on me. The gorilla.

The gorilla. Oh. Oh. Oh.

That dammed gorilla.

A gorilla?

He almost caught me this time and it's all that...

That Dr. Fahrquardt's fault.

A gorilla, Fred, a gorilla?

A big, hairy,

horny, crazy,

in-love gorilla.

I'm losing my hair. I...

Good night, Milton.

I'm Millie. Who's Milton?

What? Milton?

Who's Milton? I don't know any Milton.

Buona notte. Talk about it in the morning, please.

Buono notte.

That's it.

What's it?

Gorilla's name.

Milton?

[PHONE RINGS]

Pronto.

Just a moment.

It's Monsieur's tennis instructor.

Pronto!

Darling, I must see you.

Yes, I know. A little more zip with my back hand.

I miss you terribly.

I know. Well, keep the court reserved. We'll play later.

Oh, morning coffee.

With the world's penultimate Pussycat.

Who could ask for anything more?

You, obviously. Huh?

Fred, supposing a couple that married very young.

Twenty, as we did?

As we did, yes.

Supposing this couple found that they were no longer in love.

Were they at the beginning?

Oh, yes, I think so.

At least they thought they were.

They're still deeply fond of each other.

Deeply fond is a hell of a distance from in love.

True. But they're still young.

And they still have illusions.

Illusions?

Romantic. Are there any other kind?

Those, my dear, are delusions.

Be kind, Fred. They've got to have something.

They don't have children.

Neither do we, but we don't snivel about it, do we?

Speak for yourself.

Very well, I will.

What this girl should do is find something to occupy her time.

Charity work. Needlepoint.

Rolling bandages for the Great War.

What Great War?

Any great war.

Tell her to keep busy. The devil makes work for idle hands.

Exactly, affairs. I...

I told her this. It can be dangerous.

On the other hand, how is she going to find "Mr. Right"?

Mr. Right? God, how old-fashioned.

It's only old-fashioned if she doesn't find him.

And she's not getting any younger.

And, and how is she going to find him if

she doesn't go

looking?

Looking?

Mmm.

Looking?

Oh, well, that's certainly not old-fashioned, is it?

No.

But if she does find Mr. Right,

it's everything, isn't it, Fred?

Mmm?

Of course it is, old girl, but...

Well, I thought

you said she was married.

She is. But it didn't take.

Like a weak vaccination.

You seem awfully concerned about her but not a moment's thought about him.

Oh, Fred, how unfair.

To her, she worries about him all the time,

feels guilty...

Guilty? About looking for somebody else.

Could he manage to get along without her?

I mean, he's never, well, sort of grown up.

By choice.

By choice!

Tell her not to worry.

For him the world is full of girls. The safety of numbers.

Where he doesn't have to commit himself.

Make a decision or even change his dialogue. Just change girls.

You're making it sound like a play.

Why don't you write it, Fred? A new idea for a comedy.

Oh, no, no, no, no. It's very dramatic.

If I dream it tonight, I'll give it to the gorilla.

The gorilla? Oh, yes,

he can certainly write a better play than I can.

And now, please, let us end this interminable conversation

which seems to be hitting closer and closer to home.

I meant it, too. I know.

That's why I want it to end.

The gorilla can certainly write a better play than I can.

Why?

Why, you ask?

I didn't.Exactly.

Because with a bunch of bananas and a warm cage he's got it made.

He's not overdrawn at the bank as I am.

Next time you get a tax attorney, get one who's been to college.

[SCREAMS] It's hot, Millie.

Er, Madame.

Millie, Millie, I'm burning.

Please, please! Quick!

Butter.

Butter? Butter for what? My lord, it's scorching,

and you're talking about butter.

Butter for a burn. It's a known fact.

That's not where I got burned.

NARRATOR: Could that beacon of skin really be...

Golly goodness, it is.

Dr. Fahrquardt!

How dare you come in here when I'm nude?

Besides, I'm giving hydro-therapy.

Hydro-therapy to whom?

To me, you marching moron.

I'm just as sick as anybody else.

You have a victim waiting.

Patient. And get out of here or I'll break every bone in your head.

Don't threaten me, you pontifical quack.

I have hated you since the moment I married you.

Your pores are too large.

You have pore slop.

One step and I scatter your brains.

Twenty years for hitting a man who's wearing glasses.

You fat fool!

[YELLS]

[SCREAMS]

Swine!

[LAUGHS]

May the student riots re-occur in your stomach!

If Monsieur's tennis instructor calls again, what do I say?

Tell him I'm having my racquet re-strung.

One of these days, Madame may beat me to the phone.

That has the ugly sound of blackmail.

What you need is a secretary you can trust.

Someone like my niece, Angelica. Someone young and active.

Who's young and active?

My niece, Angelica.

Er, Monsieur has agreed to interview her.

I've agreed to, er...

This afternoon.

This afternoon.

This afternoon I've got to visit my sister at the hospital.

FRED: Gwendolyn? What's wrong with her?

Her back. It's all scraped from sand at the beach.

FRED: Her back? How did...

Ah, well, that's what you get through digging nature.

What? Give her a kiss for me.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[SINGING IN ITALIAN]

Well, stop looking back. So I started a little fire.

Happy birthday, Fernando.

[WOMAN CONGRATULATING IN ITALIAN]

ALL: Happy birthday, Fernando.

[GUESTS APPLAUD]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

It's good to be a chick.

You're beautiful.

I'm pregnant.

It's your eyes, mostly. They're luminous.

You wouldn't marry me even if I were carrying your child.

Your mouth, too, fascinating.

You've lost me. Goodbye forever.

I love you. Don't you want to give your baby a name?

Thank you, but that won't be necessary.

I've just decided to think positive thoughts and not be pregnant.

Positive thoughts?

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

The question is, will you or won't you take off your clothes?

Oh, hell, if it means that much to you.

It does.

Ah, paradise.

[MOANS]

Hey,

it's you.

The model from the dirty postcards.

And you must be the creep that bought the whole pack.

I am. I am.

I love you.

Frankly, I love you, too.

Go on. Go on.

Ooh!

Happy?

Not until you marry me.

And what do we do about my husband?

MAN: Fernando, happy birthday! WOMAN: Happy birthday!

Exactly what I have been doing about your husband.

Deceiving him. You swine!

[LAUGHS]

Poor, oh, poor Moira.

You, you're not still living with that person, are you?

Gian Carlo?

No, but he's still in my drama class.

Good. Drama. Good. Good.

I think you're so beautiful and I do think you can give of yourself.

Oh, I can, I can.

No, no. No, no. No, I meant as an actress.

Mmm. Oh, that, too.

[GROANS]

Harvard?

'65.

Navy? Intelligence.

Banking? National Trust.

Homosexual? No.

Pity.

I could learn.

Too late.

[INDIAN MUSIC PLAYING]

Have you ever heard him speak?

No. But then, I only studied with him for five years.

[SHUSHING] I think he's finally going to speak.

You've chosen a difficult path, my children.

Why, Master?

With all these beautiful broads, a Yoga can get pretty horny.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey...

With your permission, I make the cut in.

Signorinadances with great abandon.

It's signora. And grazie.

Signora, we shall make love.

Oh, smashing! Here and now?

No, no, no.

Ahone via Mabrizi, Apartment B.

Back where I come from, we don't hold with ditchin' a woman.

You're lookin' to get a nice big cross burnt on your lawn.

Cute but emotionally disturbed.

She's from Alabama.

I'm from the Via Veneto and I'm disturbed as hell.

Scusi, signore. I will leave.

You won't forget?

How could I?

I'll look for the first lawn with the burning cross.

Won't forget what?

His address. He wants to make love.

Oh, he does, does he?

[SINGSONG] Doctor.

Doctor, that's a laugh.

[TRACKER CRACKING]

[SINGSONG] Doctor.

There are two schools of thought on the science of scalp therapy.

The day school and the night school.

[WOMEN LAUGH]

[EXCLAIMS]

Wunderbar!

And you, my dear, are going to be the first one in.

Champagne tickles my nose.

Imagine what it is going to do to the rest of you, eh?

[ALL GIGGLE]

I want to thank you, Doctor.

About what?

The bubbles tickling everything.

Oh, yes.

[DR. FAHRQUARDT CHUCKLES]

[WOMAN GASPS]

No!

[WOMEN SCREAMING]

No!

No! Don't!

I, I, I'm a sick man.

Er, er, medical doctors will tell you I'm a sick man.

Not, not bad just sick.

[SCREAMS]

[LAUGHS] You missed me.

[SCREAMS]

You, cretin! You could give me an infection.

You are the woman with whom I am in love.

Yes.

But what would I be worth if I were just an ordinary call girl

from the Piazza di Spagna?

Priceless.

There's just no way to judge a value like yours.

Priceless? Really? Really.

Oh.Astronomical.

The Mona Lisa perhaps.

Oh?

Then I'm not priceless.

The Mona Lisa has a price.

Actually, you've insulted me.

You've made me feel like that call girl from the Piazza di Spagna.

Fine. And I'm your best customer

who has just given you the Mona Lisa.

I don't want to be known as the girl who went to bed with a man who was

stupid enough to give away the Mona Lisa.

My mother was right,

I should have been a priest.

[AGREEING IN FRENCH]Is he asleep?

He fell asleep immediately after.

After what?

He closed his eyes.

Merci, Flavia.

I appreciate your loyalty.

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

Does Monsieur talk in his sleep sometimes?

Sometimes?

All the time.

That's how I get my information.

NARRATOR: 1:00 in Rome means siesta.

Everybody goes to bed.

The square ones even sleep.

[MOANS]

Now, where were you all week, Federico?

Home.

Married men always have a perfect alibi.

They were home.

What can you do there you can't do here?

Mia cara. Call it habit,

superstition or what you will,

but I can only work in my own chair, at my own desk,

in my own study.

Your own desk? Your own chair? Your own study?

All duplicated by your own decorator.

Aren't you pleased?

Pleased? Where's the fun if I think I'm home?

Where are you going? Home.

You are going back to that woman? It's perverted!

That woman happens to be the mother of my children.

You have no children!

If you go away now, I'm going to kill myself. I will.

FRED: Ornella, you are a spoiled juvenile.

Whenever we argue you take sleeping pills in massive doses.

If all the pills you've taken were outside of you

instead of inside of you, you would look like a beaded dress.

[LAUGHS]

[AMBULANCE SIREN WAILING]

Oh, Doctor. I am so ashamed.

Excuse me, but I am the doctor.

I don't remember calling for a consultation.

Believe me, my dear,

you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.

Doctor. Doctor! Doctor, please.

Please!

Please!

Please!

I didn't call you for her. It was for me.

I was afraid the shock would be terrible for my hair.

Good thinking.

And incidentally,

don't let her hang herself. It would be terrible for her hair.

NARRATOR: 4:00 means back to work for the, uh,

squares who slept at 1:00.

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

If we ever get out of this alive,

I'm coming back for you.

Oh, when Mr. Right comes looking for me, I hope he looks like that.

Mio tersoro. For the first time in my life,

I am in love.

There's no need to say that, Max.

Max? Max, or Franco. Whatever.

The names are interchangeable.

Like the words "for the first time I'm in love."

It's not necessary to say that.

But what else can I say?

You might say I'm pretty.

Oh, yes, you are. Fantastic.

Good.

Umm... You might say you're glad I'm here.

Glad? I'm the hap...

That will do fine. Thank you.

And, now, if you want to seduce me,

go right ahead.

What's the matter?

It's just that I don't want to be Max or...

Whatever.Yes.

I am Franco. Myself.

I'll try harder.

You certainly know how to spoil a Roman afternoon.

Forgive me, Franco. Huh, Max.

[GLASS BREAKS]

"Next time

"a burning cross."

Something you did?

Something I didn't.

Where's Mrs. Dobbs?

Out.

Mr. Dobbs... Now remember I haven't...

BOTH: Left the house.

Exactly.

My niece is here. This afternoon I'm not interviewing nieces.

This afternoon, I am working on plays.

Oh.

[WHISTLING]

Now hear this. You are working for me. Not vice versa.

One more such outburst and I trade you in for a quill pen.

All right?

Right.

[MISSION IMPOSSIBLE THEME PLAYING]

Ridiculous!

[SCREAMS]

Mr. Dobbs, this is my niece, Angelica. You're hired.

FRED: I'm an author. FLAVIA: I told her.

I work irregular hours. I told her.

Nights, weekends. I told her.

As to salary, I think... Five hundred, I told her.

Fine, you're obviously eminently qualified.

[THANKING IN FRENCH]

We are very grateful.

You, uh... You do type a bit, don't you?

Ninety words a minute.

Shorthand? One hundred and eighty.

And...

Thirty-eight, 22, 35.

That is disgraceful. 38 words a minute? That's inadequate.

Hello, darling. Have you met Flavia's niece, Angelica?

Buon giorno, Angelica. Pacere, Signora.

Signore. You're thinking Fahrenheit.

I mean 38 words centigrade.

Ooh, of course, yes.

Well, that would make a difference, wouldn't it?

No, it's out of the question. You're far too young.

When I need you most, you'll be stoning the US Embassy.

FRED: How's Gwendolyn, darling? Who?

Your sister. You said you were going to the hospital to see her.

Oh, yes.

Her flu is much better. Flu?

On top of her scraped back?

No, no. In her chest. In her chest.

Arrive derci, Angelica.

Arrive derci, Signora.

I'm sorry, Flavia. I thought you were eavesdropping at the other door.

That's the way the photographer stared at me.

The photographer?

'Course. I saw you at my barber's.

Your barber? Mmm.

New issue of Playboy. You were the centerfold. Very lovely.

[THANKING IN ITALIAN]

Grazia a re. My barber thanks you, too.

Tell me, didn't your mother mind you posing in the nude?

Oh, very much. I beat her out of the job.

That's all for now. I'll let you know in a few days.

And... that's it?

There's more?

Well, under the circumstances.

Count to three.

Yes.

Three.

What?

Admittedly, darling, it does look a bit...

It does look a bit odd, but...

Odd? Why?

Merely a playwright and his secretary hard at work.

Careful, I'm going to jump.

I see you got the job.

Er, nothing's been decided.

No, just leave your address and telephone number, would you?

Hotel Albergo. 6-8-9-2-5-1.

Shall I write it down?

Oh, not necessary.

He'll remember.

Graziafor considering me.

Arrivederci, signor.

Signora.

Are you hiring her?

Oh, absolutely not.

I was looking for a plain, colorless secretary.

Someone who blends into the furniture,

instead of climbing all over it.

Oh, for God's Sake, she looks like Brigitte Bardot.

Bardot, eh?

I'd love to get into her hair.

Doctor.

How many times have I told you not to disturb me when...

Doctor?

FRED: Doctor.Er...

FRED: Doctor! Doctor!

I just got here.

Well, how time flies when one is having fun, eh?

How long was I in there?

Please, don't involve me. I am Swiss.

Not even ten minutes.

[DR. FAHRQUARDT SINGING]

Doctor!

Don't you ever knock?

I'm sorry.

Bardot, eh?

Are you spending the weekend with Brigitte Bardot?

Her name is Angelica.

Mmm. Give me all the torrid details, you fiend.

Don't be so diffident.

I just met her and she's perfect.

Perfect? Perfect for what?

My secretary.

Even though she's a teenager...

Teen? Teen? How teen? 13? 14? 15?

Stop me when I get to your card.

Eighteen. But she types 90 words a minute and her shorthand is...

As if you cared.

A hundred and eighty.

What you really want, you hypocrite, is...

Thirty-eight, twenty-two, thirty-five.

God bless her. Bardot, eh?

Bardot, huh?

This girl happens to be called Angelica.

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

If you could stimulate my memory.

Do you take Diners' card? Con placere.

Ah, it comes to me. You must mean Angelica St. Pierre.

ANGELICA: SignorDobbs!

Ah-ha, you were right. Bardot.

ANGELICA: I wasn't expecting you.

So I gather. I, er,

just came by to tell you, you are hired.

You mean, I'm your secretary?

As of right now. We're going to Castelli.

Ah-ha-ha. Hi. Castelli.

Work on the play.

That's exactly what I had planned but with Dr. Ponti.

Look, who is this Dr. Ponti? My ex-boyfriend.

Well, how ex? I mean, last year, last month, last week?

Last night. We broke up over you. He's quite jealous.

Ha-ha!

Jealous?

Well, I, er, I mean he hardly knows me and,

er, neither do you in the, er, biblical sense.

No. And I told him you were a perfect gentleman.

FRED: Thank you. ANGELICA: And charming.

Considerate. Handsome.

Also quite dashing. Dashing? Me?

Definitely dashing.

Oh, it's absurd.

I mean, I do have a certain flair, but,

dashing? I wouldn't say that. Really. I...

Neither would I.

I'm not supposed to be dashing to you.

You said you were going to Castelli with Dr. Ponti, yes?

Yes. They're making a movie near there.

The director's my ex-boyfriend.

You ex around pretty good, don't you?

He wasn't jealous, this director?

Oh, no. This time I was. My mother got him.

Can't I start being your secretary on Monday?

No. Negative, Angelica. I'm sorry. We just...

We just couldn't work it out.

Ciao!

Momento. Si?

Dr. Ponti is due at 4:00.

I have three minutes to.

If he doesn't show up at 4:00 sharp...

Now you're being reasonable.

[MOTORCYCLE REVVING]

NARRATOR: That's Dr. Ponti. The one with the helmet.

What does this doctor specialize in, anyway?

The entire area below the ankles.

Hah, foot doctor.

Foot doctor? Chiropodist. It's very important.

Without feet you'd fall forward.

Oh, I can see that.

[BARKS]

Tell Dr. Ponti I had to go out of town.

I'll get in touch with him later.

Out of town. Touch him later.

[DOG BARKS]

Ah, he's sweet.

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

4:00. Dr. Ponti's not here.

Slip out the back. Meet you down the block.

I've come to pick up SignorinaSt. Pierre.

Doctor, speaking in your terms,

you missed her by a foot.

Ho, ho, ho. Very droll.

Will there be anything else?

You should have tried me 20 years ago.

Thirty.

MILLIE: Flavia, who was that?

It's a cable, Madame.

From America.

The name doesn't seem familiar.

"Charles Harrison."

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Er, hi.

I'm Charles Harrison.

Oh, no, you are not.

You are the movie star.

Grant Granite.

Thank you, my dear. Mr. Dobbs at home?

Mrs. Dobbs?

[PHONE RINGS]

MILLIE: I got it, Flavia!

Oh, Fernando, you know I'm very fond of you, but really I...

I won.

I've won a contest. In my own bathroom.

Grant Granite.

Thank you, my dear.

And you hopefully are, er, Mrs. Dobbs?

Delighted.

But unfortunately, my business is with Mr. Dobbs.

He, he's away for the weekend.

Damn!

I sent him a telegram from California three days ago but...

Well, la belle Italia, we just arrived together.

You're... Charles Harrison, yes.

But you're Grant Granite.

Oh, Grant Granite's my screen name.

I thought everybody knew.

You see, as Charlie Harrison, I'm Grant Granite's director and producer.

The two names. Oh, it seems

a little more modest that way, don't you think?

No.

I feel it makes for a certain mystery, don't you?

No.

And what do you want to see my husband about?

To hand him a check for $150,000.

One hundred and fifty thousand dollars?

For what?

Would you, er,

would you mind repeating the question?

A hundred and fifty thousand for what?

His new play.

"When in Rome do as the Romanians."

But it isn't even finished.

Listen, in this business, you have to move fast.

Otherwise you end up in a tweed jacket smoking a pipe.

While Paul Newman gets the girl.

You'll have to wait till Monday.

Impossible. I've got to be back in California by then.

Phone him. Oh, I can't.

It would involve breaking an unwritten rule.

Break it.

Please.

[PHONE RINGS]

Darling? No. This is, er,

Darling's wife.

Who? MILLIE: Mildred Dobbs.

Would you please call my husband to the phone?

Your husband, signora?

Why should he be here?

I cannot account for his taste,

but everyone in Rome knows that when he's not here he's there.

Everyone in Europe is so continental.

That could also work in reverse.

It so happens, signora, your husband is not here.

MILLIE: Then consider this,

if he's not here and he's not there,

where in the hell is he?

Yes, just where in the hell is he?

It's a beautiful day.

Mind if I put the top down?

I mean, my top.

A hundred and fifty thousand dollars?

Or ninety million lira.

[GASPS] Cielo.

I thought that might touch a nerve.

Grant Granite.

Thank you, my dear.

When we find Fred and get our hands on that $150,000,

am I going to be excited about meeting you.

Come.

For $150,000, where are you?

Think. Think.

I'm thinking. I'm thinking.

He left her last week.

Perhaps...

She went back to Israel. Couldn't stand Italian food.

I'll give it a try, but he couldn't be that obvious, could he?

And you just answered my question.

Hotel Albergo? SignorinaSt. Pierre, per favore.

Already gone?

SignorDobbs told me to phone him there.

Castelli? I see. Grazie.

What kind of a girl? Athletic.

If I were his mistress, this never could have happened.

If I were his wife, he wouldn't require a mistress.

[MILLIE OOHING]

Just a meaningless little thing Frederico picked up for me.

Meaningless is just the word. It's my old one.

ORNELLA: Grant Granite, am I excited.

CHARLIE: Thank you, my dear.

ORNELLA: About that $150,000.

CHARLIE: Oh.

[ORNELLA LAUGHS]

[BARKS]

Do you believe in love at first sight?

Oh, invariably, Pussycat.

I am so glad.

It means you have a deep social conscience.

Oh, it does?

It's a person's duty to promote love in this world.

What with the Red Chinese and all this trouble, don't you agree?

Oh, definitely.

[BLEATING]

Madame is not here!

Ooh, ooh, that Fred C. Dobbs.

If only I could get my hands on his feet.

Signoris not here.

And if you don't both leave, I will telephone Signorin Castelli.

BOTH: Castelli?

DR. PONTI: Incidentally, with all this vibration,

it's only sensible to have a pelvic examination.

I saw it. I saw it with my own eyes.

Butter, eh? Butter.

Beautiful.

These jet-setters, they see one Fellini flick and they go fruitcake.

Butter, eh? Butter.

That Fred C. Dobbs must be a lot sicker than I thought.

I hope I'm not being disloyal to him.

Disloyal? Try traitor.

You're my beautiful little spy.

What about your wife?

To hell with her. Let her get her own spies.

Oh, by the way, put these hairs back on his pillow.

They are getting awfully worn out.

You promised you would get rid of your wife.

Oh, I will. I will.

This time I have a fool-proof plan.

[LAUGHS] I hope it's better than the last time.

That tiger must have cost you plenty.

I still don't know what went wrong.

I threw her in the cage, and locked her in and then she killed the tiger.

Poor darling. You do try.

Mmm-hmm.

[PHONE RINGS]

Pronto.

Ah, SignorFernando.

Cut it short, the music has started.

No, she has gone for the weekend.

[MOANING]

[PHONE RINGS]

Damn it!

[EXCLAIMS IN PAIN]

FLAVIA: Pronto. Who is calling, Madame?

Oh, pronto. I didn't recognize your voice.

More dolce Vita, eh?

Oh, no, she won't be back before Monday.

Castelli.

What are you doing for the weekend?

Mmm.

[SIGHS]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Sapristi! I'll put a stop to this myself.

DR. FAHRQUARDT: Go away!

We don't want any.

[GUNSHOT]

Butter. Bring me lots and lots of butter.

[WELCOMING IN ITALIAN]

Is Mr. Dobbs registered here?

We haven't seen SignorDobbs since last summer.

Last summer? Who?

Me.

'Scusa.

Well, we tried.

However...

SignorDobbs telephoned and made a reservation for two for tonight.

Good. When he arrives, tell him some friends are waiting in the bar.

I'll try to remember.

I'll remember!

Rod Steiger ought to meet this guy.

HESTHER: I'm gonna whomp her and tromp her and belly stomp her.

You're going to what?

Maybe she will.

You was havin' a do with my man Franco.

This I would like to hear.

Grant Granite.

Oh...

Thank you, my dear.

Sit down and have a drink. This may turn into a fun night after all.

FRANCO: Goodbye, darling, thank you.

Thank you for everything.

Going to Castelli?

Or any place else.

Good.

Oh, SignorDobbs.

[SHUSHING]

Signor.Me...

Manglacavallo. Si, Mangia Mangla.

Cavallo. Si, but do I go around screaming

SignorMangia cavallo? Cavallo? No. No.

Well, why do you persist in going around screaming SignorDobbs?

Dobbs. Dobbs.

I chose this hotel, because I wanted to get away from my...

Your wife? My wife? My office.

Ah, office. Si, si, so I call my sec...

Ah, your niece? Niece.

Secretary. Secretary?

Secretary, si.Secretary.

Ahead of us we have a weekend of very stiff...

[GASPS]

That is one sentence I insist you complete yourself.

I was going to say work.

But you, sir, have smartmouthed your way

out of a substantial tip.

Your friends...

Are in the bar.

HESTHER: ♪ You went and put your heart in a Xerox machine... ♪

I wasn't here. You have never seen me.

Ah, but in truth, I did.

And lying is a mortal sin.

Come on.

[FRED SHUSHING]

Mea culpa, mea culpa.

[DOG BARKS]

FRED: Where the hell do we go now?

ANGELICA: I know just the place. You'll love it.

FRED: I hate it.

ANGELICA: How can you?

Sleeping out under the stars. It's so exciting.

I'm not an outdoorsman.

I'm city, raised and bred.

And frankly I get hay fever watching Lassie on television.

Besides, I'm a 26-year-old man.

You don't feel like 26 years old.

That's because I'm dashing.

You are. You are.

Debonair, perhaps but dashing?

Dashing. Dashing, you are.

Dashing, well,

I really do prefer the word debonair, but I suppose if

you say I'm dashing, well...

Thank you very much. It was a great pleasure.

The pleasure was all mine.

So it seemed.

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

ANGELICA: You know what's wonderful?

FRED: Yes, but let me hear your version.

ANGELICA: Under the stars all alone just the two of us.

RED INDIAN: Bravo!

[CHEERING]

[CLAPPING]

DR. PONTI: Ah, Mrs. Dobbs, you're so beautiful and wicked.

Tell me that beast of a husband drove you to it. Tell me.

Yes, but in a Ferrari.

When we find him, I'll fix him for you, good.

I know a little about surgery.

Don't you dare.

[CHUCKLES]

You're so exciting when you're angry.

I...

[GIGGLES]

CHARLIE: Some thoughtful strategy is required.

Discretion.

Sensitivity.

Subtlety.

FRANCO: Both ladies are equally beautiful.

CHARLIE: Desirable. FRANCO: Exquisite.

CHARLIE: Available. FRANCO: One hopes.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

ORNELLA: Come in, darling.

Oh, it's you.

You were expecting Charlie Harrison?

He is a movie star. Or Franco?

At least. It's getting late.

You're honest.

Yes. And Fred isn't.

Running away with Angelica. He's an idiot!

No, we're the idiots trying to change him.

He is what he is. That's why I married him. That's why you want him.

Are you always so blunt?

Always.

I know Fred better than you do.

That's why I'm still his wife.

No offense.

The wife he's been lying to all this time.

A man only lies to a woman if he wants to keep hold of her.

He lies to me.

He lies to me all the time.

Then he loves me, too.

Of course he does.

Sometimes I worry if he loves me.

I mean, really.

He loves you deeply. Devotedly.

I'm his wife, I should know.

He loves you with every atom of his being.

Are we talking about Fred?

Yes.

He loves you.

Also Liz,

Carolina, Estella,

Moira, Dorothy,

Ruth, Ingrid...

Perhaps we might decide by...

I feel I'm being crude.

You probably are, but go ahead anyway.

By flipping a coin.

You're right. You are crude.

Heads.

Pardon?

As a guest in your country, I have the right of first call.

Oh.Heads.

I knew you couldn't turn me down,

SignorDobbs. Darling.

Such rough legs, dearest.

I'll rub lotion on them.

Your arms could do with a bit of a shave, too.

BOTH: Two out of three.

Okay, okay. Seven out of ten.

[HUMMING]

All right, all right, 17 outta 21.

If they smoked this at the UN, there'd be no more wars..

Darling, it's 2:00.

Please, I'm still recovering from 1:00.

[MEN CHATTERING]

[MEN SHOUTING]

[SPEAKS ITALIAN]

NARRATOR: This is Cecil B. DeMillie, our movie director.

Those guys their knees are his assistants.

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

NARRATOR: When he gives an order in Italian,

they translate into three languages.

Sort of walking subtitles.

That keeps it fair. Nobody understands.

[SPEAKING GERMAN]

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

I can't sleep, therefore we will shoot in 15 minutes.

The, er, the ex-boyfriend?

Yes, Cecil B. DeMille.

Wasn't there a great director by that name?

Of course. That's where he got it.

Oh, how stupid of me.

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

[SPEAKING GERMAN]

[SPEAKING FRENCH] Oh, my dear.

Cecil.

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

[SPEAKING GERMAN]

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

Why isn't this man in makeup?

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

[SPEAKING GERMAN]

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

Privately, my dear, I'm sorry we broke up.

Stay away from my secretary, you maniac.

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

[SPEAKING GERMAN]

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

Don't speak again. You are an extra.

I don't even think

the gorilla would find me dashing.

Are you glad I won the toss?

What are you really looking for, Millie?

Mr. Right. And when I'm sure it's him, it's he and me

into the sunset. Fade out.

Please note I'm awfully good at sunsets.

What are my chances?

Both good. Both?

If Charlie Harrison doesn't get me,

Grant Granite could.

This is the first time we've been away since our honeymoon.

Are you certain that we're doing the right thing?

Trust me.

If I didn't think it was right, would I suggest a double suicide?

Of course not.

We should have done this years ago.

It's my fault. I've been so busy.

You just got to love a guy like me.

My angel. I'll see you at breakfast, my darling.

But why, my love? ORNELLA: I have a headache, my dearest.

I will massage it for you, my sweet.

Somebody already is, my treasure.

What can I say?

Try "goodnight."

Goodnight?

BOTH: Goodnight.

Well, it's my own fault.

I should have told her to save my place.

Bah!

Oh, bravo.

It's SignorDobbs.

Darling. Ooh.

I worry.

This is the first time that we've ever left the children alone.

Sooner or later they'll have to face life without us.

In this case, sooner.

They're so innocent. So young.

True.

Eva's only 20 and little Adolph is only 15.

Exactly.

I feel uneasy about the way you locked them into their rooms.

We must be firm. They're too big to sleep together any longer.

Oh, I know, but my little Adolph.

I mean, how is he going to feed himself if he's locked in?

Just like usual. Eva will break down the door,

carry him downstairs, strap him to his highchair

and force feed him, just like you do.

It's different. I'm his mother.

I just hope I'm his father.

So do I.

[WHOOPING]

[GUNSHOTS]

[GUNSHOTS]

NARRATOR: Rome wasn't made in a day.

But these spaghetti westerns are.

[GUNSHOTS]

Action!

[ALL REPEATING]

Go, go.

[SCREAMS]

I can't imagine Dobbs spending the night out-of-doors.

Didn't you tell me that he was even allergic to artificial flowers?

Angelica is very persuasive when she makes up her...

Body.

I was going to say mind, but you're probably right.

[DIRECTOR SCREAMS]

[SCREAMING]

Where?

Well?

[WOMEN GIGGLE]

Fred!

[GASPS]

C. Dobbs?

You think of everything.

This is Charlie Harrison.

Hi.You look like Grant Granite to me.

Thank you, my dear.

Dobbs, I'm an admirer of your work.

Personal as well as professional.

I'd like to buy the screen rights to your new play.

Now then, this may seem a little hard-hearted

but I have a lot to gain from you and Millie here fighting.

Sorry to disappoint you, but we're not going to fight.

Oh, no?

Try this for size.

How are you going to explain your, uh, secretary?

And all this to Millie.

Oh, we never fight.Exactly.

And not that it's any of your business but I was going to tell her the truth.

The truth? Mmm.

You'd no longer lie to me?

You mean you want me to lie to you?

Of course.

Then I'd know you still cared.

Perfect. Perfect.

I've got a nasty feeling this is it.

Fred C. Dobbs, hear me good.

I'm going to Rome and when you get back I

won't be there.

John Wilkes Booth, also an actor.

Hold my hand.

Forever, from here to eternity,

[GASPS]

No!

DR. FAHRQUARDT: Oh, perfidy! Oh, treachery. Oh, disappointment.

Oh. Oh.

Get rid of that blonde.

How does she know I'm a blonde?

Where did I go wrong?

You gland!

I'd stop smoking if I was you.

[GRUNTING]

[SCREAMING]

All this over me?

[SCREAMING]

[EXCLAIMS]

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

[SPEAKING GERMAN] I call the police!

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

It's a nightmare. I'll wake up.

My clothes will be on and it will all go away.

Police! Police!

[POLICE SIRENS WAIL]

CHARLIE: Come on!

Ooh!

[BARKS]

Giddup.

Go on!

Ooh!

Here!

Hang on!

[SCREAMS]

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

Bring back my stagecoach.

You're damn right, we will!

Just don't have this kind of fun in... Alabama?

Right.

[GUNSHOTS]

We're Baptists back home. I sure like these Catholic countries

It's them!

Here.

Excuse me.

[EXCLAIMS]

[DRIVER YELLING]

[POLICE SIRENS APPROACHING]

Fred?

Hey, what the hell do you think this is, a library?

No sleeping here. Oh, no sleeping in here, no sleeping at home.

Ah, nightmares again, eh?

What again? Still!

That dammed gorilla.

Must you forever trouble me with your sleazy fantasies?

We were talking about that fateful weekend at Castelli.

Oh, Castelli.

[PLAYS SENTIMENTAL MUSIC]

You know, that happened almost a year ago,

but it seems like yesterday.

Whatever became of all those loonies? Hmm?

Oh, my ex-wife married Grant Granite.

She'd never acted before, so she became the biggest star in Hollywood.

Those were real bullets. Now Millie owns Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer.

[ROARS]

[ROARS]

And whatever happened to that motorcycle hick? Hesther?

She went home and was elected governor of Alabama.

I solemnly swear

to uphold the Constitution of this here State.

ALL: Yeah!

And your ex-mistress, what was her name?

Ornella Piacentini.

Aah!

She decided to lead a more quiet life.

FRED: And so did Franco.

[PLAYS ORGAN]

And what about that little chiropodist, Dr. Ponti?

Doing three to five.

FRED: Got caught treating an old sea captain for athlete's foot.

So? On a wooden leg?

[SINGSONG] Doctor!

She's... Still with me, just like you.

Oh, but I'm not.Oh.

[SINGSONG] I'm destroying your whole lousy fleet.

No more treatments.

No more pain.

It's you

who's been causing those nightmares.

Me?

You're out of your crazy head. It's your gorilla.

Gorilla? There is no such thing as that gorilla.

It's an hallucination.

FRED: Sheer fantasy.

[CHATTERING]

Milton?

I love you.

How can you expect Fred to return your love

when you're losing your hair?

Eh?

Well, Fred, it's you and I.

Happily ever after.

I doubt it, but we'll give it a try.

That we will.

[SINGING IN ITALIAN]

♪ So, groove into it ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Be free, just groove into it ♪

♪ Come on, move into it ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ You'll see you'll groove into it ♪

♪ Come on and move and groove and move and groove and move ♪

♪ I wanna groove ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Pussycat ♪