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- _
- [PRESIDENT TRUMP] Oh, sure,
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00:00:10,403 --> 00:00:12,272
QAnon has inspired some shootings,
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00:00:12,273 --> 00:00:14,272
but at least they've
taken the brave stance
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00:00:14,273 --> 00:00:16,272
of being anti-pedophilia!
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00:00:16,273 --> 00:00:18,272
Anyway... can you believe it?
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00:00:18,273 --> 00:00:20,442
I'm already back on the campaign trail
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00:00:20,443 --> 00:00:22,942
despite my coronavirus diagnosis
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00:00:22,943 --> 00:00:25,174
and all the mini-strokes before that!
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00:00:25,183 --> 00:00:28,249
By the way, you guys are
standing way too far apart!
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00:00:28,250 --> 00:00:30,422
I want you linked up elbow-to-elbow
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00:00:30,423 --> 00:00:32,847
like a wheezing macaroni necklace!
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00:00:32,848 --> 00:00:35,183
[CROWD MEMBERS COUGHING]
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00:00:35,184 --> 00:00:38,589
Hey, folks! Thanks for the
polite, restrained applause!
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00:00:38,590 --> 00:00:41,620
Right now, there's a president
out there being totally reckless.
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00:00:41,630 --> 00:00:43,899
And I'm not talking about
the good kind of reckless,
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00:00:43,900 --> 00:00:45,610
like chugging tobacco dip
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00:00:45,611 --> 00:00:48,780
and asking the quarterback's
girl to boogie to urban music.
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00:00:48,781 --> 00:00:50,919
Don't worry. Doc says I'm immune.
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00:00:50,920 --> 00:00:52,939
And he got certified in Guam!
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00:00:52,940 --> 00:00:55,640
I just wanna give
everyone a big fat kiss!
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00:00:55,650 --> 00:00:57,439
I won't. You people are revolting.
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00:00:57,440 --> 00:00:59,165
You're more Giuliani's type.
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00:00:59,166 --> 00:01:01,099
If you're interested, line up outside
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00:01:01,100 --> 00:01:02,350
the out-of-order men's room
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00:01:02,353 --> 00:01:04,421
from most to least resemblance
to Swamp Thing.
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00:01:04,422 --> 00:01:06,829
Everything's going
eerily well for me, huh?
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00:01:06,830 --> 00:01:08,599
Is anyone else getting the "Aw, shit,
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00:01:08,600 --> 00:01:10,749
is this 2016 again?" night sweats?
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00:01:10,750 --> 00:01:13,979
Relax! Hillary was a crusty
establishment centrist
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with no platform.
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I'm that but with cool sunglasses
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and every facial ligament removed!
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00:01:19,312 --> 00:01:22,549
Don't let Biden fool ya.
Kamala's running the show.
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00:01:22,550 --> 00:01:25,899
Oh, sure, she and Joe have identical
political and personal beliefs,
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00:01:25,900 --> 00:01:28,039
but there's just something
about her I don't trust.
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Not sure what it is.
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00:01:29,697 --> 00:01:30,864
Oh, yeah... black.
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00:01:30,865 --> 00:01:31,869
Good news, folks!
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My campaign manager
says I'm doing so well,
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00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:36,109
he's sending me to space
'til Election Day!
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00:01:36,110 --> 00:01:38,580
Always wondered what a green
set of hooters looks like!
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00:01:38,581 --> 00:01:41,092
Let's hear it for Lindsey Graham!
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Just when we thought he couldn't
debase himself anymore,
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he breaks his word to steal
another Supreme Court seat!
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00:01:47,350 --> 00:01:49,760
At least his re-election
campaign's going well.
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00:01:49,770 --> 00:01:51,449
I need help, God damn it!
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My opponent just raised
a billion dollars!
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00:01:53,630 --> 00:01:55,399
Refinance your house, sell a child,
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00:01:55,400 --> 00:01:58,719
take your credit cards
and text me the numbers!
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- [WAILING]
- Let it out, Lindsey.
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My beautiful lifestyle!
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- It's gonna be okay.
- [WHEEZING]
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00:02:04,080 --> 00:02:05,899
Well, it's not, but, you know...
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00:02:05,900 --> 00:02:07,889
I'm not a fan of packing the court.
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00:02:07,890 --> 00:02:10,840
Is that vague enough to keep
absolutely no one satisfied?
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Get used to it! I'm ringing that bell
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'til CNN calls Florida!
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00:02:14,900 --> 00:02:18,729
Who wants my sweaty bed sheets
from Walter Reed Hospital?!
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00:02:18,730 --> 00:02:21,123
- [CROWD CHEERING]
- [CANNON FIRING]
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00:02:21,124 --> 00:02:23,340
[GIGGLING] It's funny!
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Untold thousands are dead,
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and I've gotten everything
I ever wanted.
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00:02:27,220 --> 00:02:30,519
Am I actually feeling
joy for the first time?
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Nope. Still dead in there.
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Folks, enough's enough!
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Trump's a dangerous man,
lining his pockets,
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00:02:36,200 --> 00:02:39,519
praising white supremacists,
throwing kids in cages!
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00:02:39,520 --> 00:02:42,709
We can't have that guy leading
our great nation anymore.
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00:02:42,710 --> 00:02:46,219
There. I'm sure that basic,
logical argument will resonate
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00:02:46,220 --> 00:02:48,773
with all those
decent-hearted Trump voters.
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00:02:48,774 --> 00:02:52,100
Open those bronchial tubes
and show me you love me!
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00:02:52,110 --> 00:02:53,239
- [DANCE MUSIC THUMPING]
- [COUGHING]
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00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:56,324
[MAN] Whoo! Infect me, Daddy!
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? ?
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- [MUFFLED SCREAMING]
- Don't worry.
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I'll keep an eye on him.
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00:03:01,372 --> 00:03:04,916
? ?
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I'm Lester Holt, and I
look great in a sweater,
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00:03:07,080 --> 00:03:09,840
so I'm hoping civil war won't
disrupt the new autumn fashions.
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00:03:09,843 --> 00:03:11,979
As the coronavirus pandemic rages on,
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the recently infected President Trump
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canceled a campaign
stop at a D.C. hospital.
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Later, at that very same hospital,
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00:03:18,220 --> 00:03:19,769
a new hero of the pandemic emerged
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when a brave mop bucket single-handedly
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stopped a dolly of
precious ventilator parts
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from tumbling down a stairwell
to total destruction.
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Many are commending the mop bucket
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for its bold and selfless leadership.
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[PRESIDENT TRUMP] Rudy!
The TV's being mean to me again!
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- Fix it! Fix it!
- Hold on! Hold on!
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Hey, thanks again for letting
me crash in the Oval
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while they spray my
place for crotch crabs.
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They get mad at me if I don't
show up to the hospital,
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they get mad if I do
show up without a mask
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and give everyone COVID.
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Would it kill them to say something
nice about me for a change?
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[TV NARRATOR] And the President's
fearless leadership...
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- Ooh!
- ... won him an unprecedented fourth term
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- in 1944.
- Oh, good! I did it!
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Wait a minute. It's not 1944. It's 2005!
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00:04:02,040 --> 00:04:04,530
Coming up, how FDR cemented his legacy
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00:04:04,533 --> 00:04:06,332
as the great wartime president.
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00:04:06,333 --> 00:04:07,899
You're watching the History Channel...
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00:04:07,900 --> 00:04:10,604
if it's not World War
II, it's not history.
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00:04:10,605 --> 00:04:12,460
How come PBJ got four terms?
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00:04:12,470 --> 00:04:14,059
He may have been a lefty snowflake
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obsessed with public parks,
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00:04:15,343 --> 00:04:17,712
but FDR was kind of a slick rick.
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00:04:17,713 --> 00:04:21,939
He used war to unlock a whole
new level of executive power.
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00:04:21,940 --> 00:04:26,059
He got re-elected three times and
barely even had to campaign!
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Wow! You mean he never had
to show up at dumb hospitals
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where none of the nurses are tens?
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I know! Genius!
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No fugly first responders
killin' his buzz.
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Ehh, it sounds like a lot of extra work.
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Besides, I'll always be
beloved by my people.
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Who else could provide
them the opportunity
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to wear a red hat and
have scream seizures
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00:04:43,871 --> 00:04:46,170
in a converted rodeo arena once a month?
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[CHRIS CUOMO]
But moving on to our top story,
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the governor of New York has
announced a new initiative
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to finally start working on
that lousy jump shot of his!
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Euohh! You know I had
the meanest crossover
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00:04:57,020 --> 00:04:59,399
at St. Anthony's Academy
for Political Legacies.
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'Ey, big brother, maybe
you should "cross over"
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00:05:01,700 --> 00:05:02,959
to a new brand of mouthwash.
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00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:04,239
I can smell your breath from here!
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00:05:04,240 --> 00:05:06,903
- Pee-yew!
- 'Ey, seriously, little brother,
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00:05:06,904 --> 00:05:08,392
congrats on the mondo ratings.
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Just remember who the big respected
big guy is in our family, huh!
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That's why I'm Ma's favorite!
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Euohh! Just for that, I'm tellin' Ma
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you'll bring the soup
to Sunday dinner this week!
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Euohh! I hate doin' all that stirrin'!
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That's all the time we have
tonight on Cuomo Prime Time.
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- Thanks for joining us, Governor.
- Alright. I love you.
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I love you so much,
it hurts my frickin' brain!
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[CHRIS] You did it, Chrissy...
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soaring ratings, adoring viewers,
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00:05:30,843 --> 00:05:32,239
and your very own dressing room
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with a special sign on the
door that says "CNN."
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All thanks to a funky little virus
that makes you hallucinate
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00:05:37,820 --> 00:05:39,400
smokin'-hot mermaids on the ceiling.
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00:05:39,405 --> 00:05:40,689
Euohh. Tapper's on!
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Gotta take time to support
those less beloved than me.
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[TAPPER] He may have won his
personal bout with the virus,
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but President Chump,
famous for his eating habits,
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00:05:49,200 --> 00:05:52,070
is about to be served an
electoral knuckle sandwich
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by the pandemic... of American lives.
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That's our show. Thank you to CNN
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for awarding me the prestigious
Excellence in Stoicism
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00:06:01,220 --> 00:06:03,012
and Newsmanship Medal
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00:06:03,013 --> 00:06:04,762
for the fourth year in a row.
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I shall wear it with pride.
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Medal? Newsmanship? Shall?!
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[PRESIDENT TRUMP]
All of the experts I've consulted
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00:06:11,860 --> 00:06:14,563
from an old edition of
SkyMall magazine say...
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00:06:14,564 --> 00:06:16,339
this miniature Fonzie bird-feeder
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has shown promising signs
of curing coronavirus.
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Either that, or it will bring
rockin' memories of the 1950s
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- to your very own front lawn.
- [REPORTER] Mr. President,
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can you address the rising
coronavirus death toll?
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Ugh! For the billionth time, no!
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[REPORTER 2] What about the fact
that you contracted coronavirus
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after downplaying its
severity for months?
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00:06:33,170 --> 00:06:35,209
Ugh! Next question, please.
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00:06:35,210 --> 00:06:37,179
[REPORTER 3] Any comment
on the prominent mop bucket
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00:06:37,180 --> 00:06:39,128
whose third-party write-in
campaign for president
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00:06:39,129 --> 00:06:40,254
is rapidly gaining steam?
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Have you considered asking
the mop bucket for guidance?
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Ooh! I hate that stupid bucket!
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Because of, uh, Bucketgate.
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Very crooked stuff.
I won't say any more.
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The bucket is a pedophile.
Okay, we're done here!
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[TAPPER] Then President Chump
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steals the sheriff's badge
from Deputy Democracy,
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00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:01,370
which brings us to our
dark night of the soul.
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00:07:01,371 --> 00:07:03,272
Knock, knock! Hah-hah! Just kiddin'!
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00:07:03,273 --> 00:07:05,657
I made that sound with my
mouth. Pretty good, huh?
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I just want to congratulate
ya for your medal thingy.
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- Seems pretty neat.
- Ah, thank you, good sir!
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Nice of you to stop by in person.
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00:07:12,483 --> 00:07:14,079
Anderson Cooper always just sends me
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a Vanderbilt signet ring.
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Jeez. Joo-la-ree?
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00:07:17,083 --> 00:07:18,796
What does he think you are... a chick?
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Ho, ho! Very good!
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00:07:20,340 --> 00:07:23,592
You know, you sometimes remind
me of a young Jake Tapper.
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Really? But I'm not nearly
as serious as you.
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Plus, your name is Jake,
and mine's Chris Cuomo.
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You're full of potential!
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With the right training, you could be
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a real respected newsman like me.
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The kind of unflappable
luminary who isn't afraid
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00:07:36,840 --> 00:07:38,819
to put himself right at
the center of a story
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00:07:38,820 --> 00:07:41,693
that would otherwise not
involve him in any way.
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00:07:41,694 --> 00:07:42,842
Geez. Thanks, Mr. Tapper.
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00:07:42,843 --> 00:07:44,712
But I'm already pretty
respected as it is.
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00:07:44,713 --> 00:07:46,542
I mean, I got a sign
on my door that says
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00:07:46,543 --> 00:07:48,320
"Christopher News
Network" and everything!
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00:07:48,330 --> 00:07:50,799
Well, if you change your
mind, give me a call.
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A true newsman never backs
away from a challenge
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of their own stratospheric
power and influence...
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00:07:55,780 --> 00:07:58,739
much like President
Chump never backs down
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00:07:58,740 --> 00:08:02,262
from a Twitter duel at
the Covfefe Saloon.
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00:08:02,263 --> 00:08:04,299
[CHUCKLES] Covfefe Saloon.
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00:08:04,300 --> 00:08:05,880
That's funny. Gotta get that in.
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00:08:06,760 --> 00:08:08,339
[PRESIDENT TRUMP]
Give it to me straight, Rudy.
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00:08:08,340 --> 00:08:09,839
How'd I do at the press conference?
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00:08:09,840 --> 00:08:11,719
Did QAnon dox the bucket yet?
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00:08:11,720 --> 00:08:13,620
That mop bucket is untouchable,
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00:08:13,630 --> 00:08:15,769
like the gogo dancer at Bazongas
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00:08:15,770 --> 00:08:18,519
who says if I touch her calf
again, she'll punt my jaw!
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00:08:18,520 --> 00:08:20,139
68% of Americans say
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00:08:20,140 --> 00:08:22,523
they would trust the mop bucket
in a leadership position.
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00:08:22,524 --> 00:08:24,320
That's nothing to worry about. Unless...
219
00:08:24,330 --> 00:08:27,906
The presidency isn't a
"leadership position," is it?
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00:08:28,780 --> 00:08:30,260
- It is.
- Ughhh!
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00:08:30,270 --> 00:08:31,519
But there's still hope, Donald.
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00:08:31,520 --> 00:08:33,899
Think about it... what's
the one thing you can do
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00:08:33,900 --> 00:08:35,149
that that mop bucket can't?
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00:08:35,150 --> 00:08:36,829
- I dunno. Swim?
- No!
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00:08:36,830 --> 00:08:38,139
Declare war.
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00:08:38,140 --> 00:08:39,959
It's a foolproof re-election hack!
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00:08:39,960 --> 00:08:41,830
If I had the power to declare war,
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I'd have finally been able to
use the Havana Club toilet
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00:08:44,200 --> 00:08:46,320
without the bus boy
calling in a SWAT team!
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00:08:46,330 --> 00:08:47,640
Ehhhh... I dunno.
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00:08:47,650 --> 00:08:49,802
Also, COVID affected you personally.
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Then something must be done!
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[CHRIS] So get this, Ma,
I'm talkin' to John Kerry,
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00:08:55,480 --> 00:08:57,685
- y'know, on my TV show...
- [MOTHER CUOMO] Uh-huh. Wow.
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And I says to him... I says, you
may have fought the Viet Cong,
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00:09:00,982 --> 00:09:03,260
but I'm waging an unwinnable
war against your breath!
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00:09:03,270 --> 00:09:05,879
- Oh, Chrissy! Oh, my gawd!
- He got a real kick outta that.
238
00:09:05,880 --> 00:09:08,279
Hey, I'll take another pint
of the house red on the rocks
239
00:09:08,280 --> 00:09:09,865
- when ya get a chance!
- [PHONE BUZZES]
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00:09:09,866 --> 00:09:12,479
Whoops. Gotta go.
Andrew just sent me a video!
241
00:09:12,480 --> 00:09:15,029
Classic big brother. Love ya, Ma!
242
00:09:15,030 --> 00:09:16,479
- [PHONE BEEPS]
- Ah, what respectful tribute
243
00:09:16,480 --> 00:09:18,160
have my fans cooked up now?
244
00:09:18,170 --> 00:09:20,241
[NARRATOR] Time for
Chris Cuomo's Greatest...
245
00:09:20,242 --> 00:09:21,439
[SNICKERS] ... Hits.
246
00:09:21,440 --> 00:09:22,840
[CHRIS] 'Ey, Mr. Kissinger,
247
00:09:22,850 --> 00:09:24,819
the American people
would really like to know,
248
00:09:24,820 --> 00:09:26,479
how much you squattin' these days?
249
00:09:26,480 --> 00:09:28,739
I'd say 200 easy with buns like that!
250
00:09:28,740 --> 00:09:29,819
- [BOING!]
- Hey, we'll get back
251
00:09:29,820 --> 00:09:31,819
to the opee-dopee crisis in a sec.
252
00:09:31,820 --> 00:09:33,779
I gotta ask ya about that hair pomade!
253
00:09:33,780 --> 00:09:35,839
Welcome to the show, Colin Powell.
254
00:09:35,840 --> 00:09:38,459
So, your name sounds
like part of an ass, huh?
255
00:09:38,460 --> 00:09:39,644
- [PHONE BUZZES]
- _
256
00:09:39,645 --> 00:09:41,312
[TAPPER] Good night. And remember...
257
00:09:41,313 --> 00:09:43,320
I'd be nothing without my devoted,
258
00:09:43,330 --> 00:09:45,899
loyal viewers worshipping at my feet.
259
00:09:45,900 --> 00:09:49,569
I think I wanna be a serious news guy.
260
00:09:49,570 --> 00:09:52,360
[PRESIDENT TRUMP GROANING]
261
00:09:52,380 --> 00:09:54,819
Guahh! Ahh!
262
00:09:54,820 --> 00:09:56,859
Well, if I'm up, I'm up.
Where's my Sudafed?
263
00:09:56,860 --> 00:09:58,914
[FDR] Donald, my boy. It is I...
264
00:09:58,915 --> 00:10:00,899
Franklin Delano Roosevelt.
265
00:10:00,900 --> 00:10:03,299
But you may call me FDR.
266
00:10:03,300 --> 00:10:05,919
Nice to meet you, Mr. PBJ.
267
00:10:05,920 --> 00:10:08,119
I heard you're having a spot of trouble
268
00:10:08,120 --> 00:10:11,049
with this old coronavirus flipperdickle.
269
00:10:11,050 --> 00:10:12,919
- [SADLY] Uh-huh.
- You know, my friend,
270
00:10:12,920 --> 00:10:15,973
there are a few similarities we share.
271
00:10:15,980 --> 00:10:18,009
I hate sharing! Give 'em
to me! They're mine!
272
00:10:18,010 --> 00:10:20,819
I remember the days leading
up to World War II.
273
00:10:20,820 --> 00:10:22,999
Hitler steadily invading Europe,
274
00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:26,460
shipping Jews to concentration
camps by the thousands.
275
00:10:26,470 --> 00:10:29,819
And then one day, something
bad happened... Pearl Harbor.
276
00:10:29,820 --> 00:10:32,760
It was then that I knew
we had to go to war.
277
00:10:32,770 --> 00:10:35,539
And thus I became a wartime president,
278
00:10:35,540 --> 00:10:39,239
handily winning an unprecedented
four straight elections.
279
00:10:39,240 --> 00:10:42,489
Wow! You must be so cozy.
280
00:10:42,490 --> 00:10:44,160
That I am, dear boy.
281
00:10:44,170 --> 00:10:47,539
But such coziness must be
earned through the gumption
282
00:10:47,540 --> 00:10:50,089
and hard work to confront the enemy.
283
00:10:50,090 --> 00:10:52,209
You must... go to war.
284
00:10:52,210 --> 00:10:54,859
- I want it! I want it!
- Very good, my boy.
285
00:10:54,860 --> 00:10:57,679
Claim... your... destiny!
286
00:10:57,680 --> 00:11:00,160
I must become a blanket president.
287
00:11:00,170 --> 00:11:01,727
I mean wartime president.
288
00:11:01,728 --> 00:11:04,639
? ?
289
00:11:04,640 --> 00:11:06,199
Crowd in, everybody!
290
00:11:06,200 --> 00:11:08,160
I haven't been feverish in hours!
291
00:11:08,170 --> 00:11:11,400
The United States is under
attack from a vicious enemy
292
00:11:11,410 --> 00:11:14,619
targeting our most vulnerable,
blanket-less presidents.
293
00:11:14,620 --> 00:11:17,039
I therefore today request from Congress
294
00:11:17,040 --> 00:11:20,320
a formal declaration of
war against coronavirus.
295
00:11:20,330 --> 00:11:22,379
No matter where coronavirus hides,
296
00:11:22,380 --> 00:11:25,584
we will smoke it out of its
cave and shoot it dead!
297
00:11:25,585 --> 00:11:26,659
[MURMURING]
298
00:11:26,660 --> 00:11:30,539
And remember that not voting
for war is political suicide.
299
00:11:30,540 --> 00:11:32,629
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
300
00:11:32,630 --> 00:11:34,592
[PATRIOTIC MARCH PLAYS]
301
00:11:34,593 --> 00:11:38,262
? War, war, we've got to go to war ?
302
00:11:38,263 --> 00:11:41,889
? War is good, and we are good ?
303
00:11:41,890 --> 00:11:46,139
? And that is why we must go to war ?
304
00:11:46,140 --> 00:11:50,139
? The virus, the virus,
we must defeat the virus ?
305
00:11:50,140 --> 00:11:51,879
? We'd much prefer religions ?
306
00:11:51,880 --> 00:11:53,879
? Or those countries on small islands ?
307
00:11:53,880 --> 00:11:58,449
? But for now, we'll wage
a war on the virus ?
308
00:11:58,450 --> 00:12:01,779
Welcome, Christopher,
to the natural habitat
309
00:12:01,780 --> 00:12:04,199
of a serious newsman... my studio.
310
00:12:04,200 --> 00:12:07,499
Whoa! This TV studio looks
just like it does on TV.
311
00:12:07,500 --> 00:12:09,540
Man, I gotta call my
brother. And get this...
312
00:12:09,550 --> 00:12:11,629
he's the frickin' governor of New York!
313
00:12:11,630 --> 00:12:14,059
Unh-unh-unh! Not so fast, Christopher.
314
00:12:14,060 --> 00:12:15,659
Your brother's a public figure,
315
00:12:15,660 --> 00:12:19,011
and you mustn't mix the news
with your personal life.
316
00:12:19,012 --> 00:12:22,181
These are the cardinal rules
of serious newsmanship.
317
00:12:22,182 --> 00:12:24,719
One, the guest is your
enemy, not your friend.
318
00:12:24,720 --> 00:12:28,143
And, two, the audience doesn't
tune in to see your guest;
319
00:12:28,144 --> 00:12:29,739
they tune in to see you.
320
00:12:29,740 --> 00:12:32,110
But, Mr. Tapper, what if
the guest is my brother?
321
00:12:32,111 --> 00:12:33,272
My brother's my friend!
322
00:12:33,273 --> 00:12:35,142
Blood may be thicker than water,
323
00:12:35,143 --> 00:12:37,779
but the news is the
thickest thing of all.
324
00:12:37,780 --> 00:12:40,119
And that thick, thick news
325
00:12:40,120 --> 00:12:42,743
is what runs in our veins, my boy.
326
00:12:42,744 --> 00:12:45,290
Wow! So that's what came
spurtin' outta my head
327
00:12:45,291 --> 00:12:47,624
after I tried to race a
swordfish on my Jet Ski?
328
00:12:47,625 --> 00:12:49,739
Now, pretend we're on your show
329
00:12:49,740 --> 00:12:51,719
and deliver me any news story
330
00:12:51,720 --> 00:12:54,439
without mentioning any family members.
331
00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:56,629
- Go on. Try it.
- Okay.
332
00:12:56,630 --> 00:12:59,139
Uh, leading epi-dee-mee-ologists say
333
00:12:59,140 --> 00:13:00,762
that there could be a second wave...
334
00:13:00,763 --> 00:13:03,399
Ahem. A second wave of... of...
335
00:13:03,400 --> 00:13:04,939
One time I went to a Mets
game with my brothers
336
00:13:04,940 --> 00:13:06,599
Andrew and Mario Junior,
and we did the wave,
337
00:13:06,600 --> 00:13:08,228
and we almost made it onto Fox Sports!
338
00:13:08,229 --> 00:13:09,379
Did I do it?
339
00:13:09,380 --> 00:13:13,269
The answer is... a resounding no.
340
00:13:13,270 --> 00:13:14,859
[PRESIDENT TRUMP] And finally,
341
00:13:14,860 --> 00:13:17,460
the Trump International
National Air Force Base
342
00:13:17,470 --> 00:13:19,319
/Resort/Casino
343
00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:22,599
will feature the world's
first swim-up omelet bar.
344
00:13:22,600 --> 00:13:25,119
All in service to my perfect war.
345
00:13:25,120 --> 00:13:27,031
[MNUCHIN] Yeah, Mr. President,
normally when it comes
346
00:13:27,032 --> 00:13:28,199
to military spending,
347
00:13:28,200 --> 00:13:30,232
I'd say the drone-filled
sky's the limit,
348
00:13:30,233 --> 00:13:31,930
but your war is extremely unpopular
349
00:13:31,940 --> 00:13:33,499
with the American people right now.
350
00:13:33,500 --> 00:13:36,460
But I like the war!
I'm having a great time!
351
00:13:36,470 --> 00:13:37,779
[POMPEO] With all due respect, sir,
352
00:13:37,780 --> 00:13:39,980
I'm not sure how this will
be perceived as helpful
353
00:13:39,990 --> 00:13:41,620
to our Armed Forces' overall mission.
354
00:13:41,630 --> 00:13:44,039
Fine! We can convert
one of the infinity pools
355
00:13:44,040 --> 00:13:45,599
into an interrogation pit.
356
00:13:45,600 --> 00:13:47,999
But I'm not getting rid
of the waterslides!
357
00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:50,919
Of course, sir, but unfortunately
the selfish American people
358
00:13:50,920 --> 00:13:52,439
refuse to see your side of things.
359
00:13:52,440 --> 00:13:54,160
[MNUCHIN] They're this close to rioting,
360
00:13:54,170 --> 00:13:57,260
and our riot-gear budget alone
is already like seven NASAs.
361
00:13:57,261 --> 00:13:59,389
Sorry, Mr. President,
but we can't do much
362
00:13:59,390 --> 00:14:01,489
'til more Americans support the war.
363
00:14:01,490 --> 00:14:04,618
Ohhh! Guhhh! Ehhrrrr!
364
00:14:05,360 --> 00:14:06,989
[CHRIS] It's no use, Mr. Tapper!
365
00:14:06,990 --> 00:14:09,300
I'm just a dumb meathead
with a head fulla meat.
366
00:14:09,310 --> 00:14:11,760
I'll never be nothin' like
the big shots Cronkite
367
00:14:11,770 --> 00:14:12,879
and Jennings and you.
368
00:14:12,880 --> 00:14:15,620
Well, I... Wow. Cronkite
and Jennings? Really?
369
00:14:15,630 --> 00:14:18,060
Well, uh, say, Christopher,
haven't you ever heard
370
00:14:18,070 --> 00:14:22,459
of the legendary Italian-American
newsman Vince, uhhh, News?
371
00:14:22,460 --> 00:14:25,320
- Who?
- Why, Vince News, of course!
372
00:14:25,330 --> 00:14:28,359
He ruled the airwaves in
the golden age of news.
373
00:14:28,360 --> 00:14:31,620
He never backed down from asking
the hard-hitting questions
374
00:14:31,630 --> 00:14:34,999
and once even fiercely
interrogated his own brother,
375
00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:37,979
the governor of New... Zealand.
376
00:14:37,980 --> 00:14:40,779
Which is why he was
awarded the first-ever
377
00:14:40,780 --> 00:14:43,939
CNN Stoicism and Newsmanship Medal.
378
00:14:43,940 --> 00:14:45,799
Whoa. Mr. Tapper, do you think
379
00:14:45,800 --> 00:14:47,859
I could be the next Vince News?
380
00:14:47,860 --> 00:14:50,099
Does democracy die in darkness?
381
00:14:50,100 --> 00:14:51,899
Please just answer the
question, Mr. Tapper.
382
00:14:51,900 --> 00:14:54,459
My God! He's got it!
383
00:14:55,280 --> 00:14:56,789
[GIULIANI] Listen, Mr. President.
384
00:14:56,790 --> 00:14:59,119
I wasn't just born America's Mayor.
385
00:14:59,120 --> 00:15:01,039
I had to earn the people's trust
386
00:15:01,040 --> 00:15:02,739
after September whatever it was.
387
00:15:02,740 --> 00:15:04,879
In times of national tragedy,
388
00:15:04,880 --> 00:15:07,060
you don't get to skip
right to the fun stuff.
389
00:15:07,070 --> 00:15:10,379
First you gotta act real serious and sad
390
00:15:10,380 --> 00:15:12,977
to show people you really care.
391
00:15:12,978 --> 00:15:16,099
But I hate doing things
people tell me to do!
392
00:15:16,100 --> 00:15:19,219
But then, after you drop
the act a few weeks later,
393
00:15:19,220 --> 00:15:22,479
people will praise you for your
poise and leadership forever,
394
00:15:22,480 --> 00:15:25,279
even if you went straight
Uptown from Ground Zero
395
00:15:25,280 --> 00:15:26,859
to pork a Romanian escort
396
00:15:26,860 --> 00:15:29,285
behind the Times Square Forever 21.
397
00:15:29,286 --> 00:15:30,869
Praise you forever?
398
00:15:30,870 --> 00:15:31,999
You bet your flat ass!
399
00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:34,479
It's all about showing these
suckers that you care.
400
00:15:34,480 --> 00:15:36,122
You know what, Rudy?
401
00:15:36,123 --> 00:15:39,170
I think I might just be
onto something here.
402
00:15:39,171 --> 00:15:42,004
[PRESIDENT TRUMP]
And so, my fellow Americans,
403
00:15:42,005 --> 00:15:43,919
we must all remember that the enemy
404
00:15:43,920 --> 00:15:47,479
is not our hot, buff president
or his cool war,
405
00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:49,760
but this horrible, stupid virus.
406
00:15:49,770 --> 00:15:52,199
We must not let this war divide us.
407
00:15:52,200 --> 00:15:53,319
You're either with us
408
00:15:53,320 --> 00:15:55,184
or you're with the virus. Good night.
409
00:15:55,185 --> 00:15:57,749
Way to go, Donald! For the
first time in eight months,
410
00:15:57,750 --> 00:16:00,019
your name is trending
completely independently
411
00:16:00,020 --> 00:16:01,839
from the phrase "prolapsed anus mouth"!
412
00:16:01,840 --> 00:16:04,250
Yes! Take that, pervert mop bucket!
413
00:16:04,251 --> 00:16:06,697
Oh, and, by the way, you've earned this.
414
00:16:06,698 --> 00:16:08,449
Don't mind the oyster-cracker crumbs.
415
00:16:08,450 --> 00:16:10,202
[TWINKLING]
416
00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:13,620
I did it! I'm a blanket president.
417
00:16:13,622 --> 00:16:15,706
[SWEEPING FANFARE PLAYS]
418
00:16:15,707 --> 00:16:17,949
[NEWS INTRO MUSIC PLAYS]
419
00:16:17,950 --> 00:16:20,139
Good evening, one and all,
and welcome to the premiere
420
00:16:20,140 --> 00:16:21,882
of the Christopher Cuomo Prime Time
421
00:16:21,883 --> 00:16:22,899
Serious Show As It Were.
422
00:16:22,900 --> 00:16:24,548
Damn it, Tapper, you're good.
423
00:16:24,549 --> 00:16:26,187
Our guest tonight is an elected official
424
00:16:26,188 --> 00:16:28,158
from New York, as it were.
Good evening, Governor.
425
00:16:28,159 --> 00:16:30,039
'Ey, little brother. Why so serious?
426
00:16:30,040 --> 00:16:31,180
Heh. The Joker, 'ey?
427
00:16:31,181 --> 00:16:33,742
Ahem! Governor Cuomo,
despite early praise,
428
00:16:33,743 --> 00:16:36,219
some have called your response
to the coronavirus pandemic,
429
00:16:36,220 --> 00:16:38,644
as it were, sorely lacking.
Care to respond?
430
00:16:38,645 --> 00:16:40,279
Come on, Chrissy. What's the big idea?
431
00:16:40,280 --> 00:16:42,179
I'll take that as a no, as it were.
432
00:16:42,180 --> 00:16:43,719
Governor Cuomo, experts say
433
00:16:43,720 --> 00:16:45,819
social distancing could
have saved thousands
434
00:16:45,820 --> 00:16:47,780
if implemented even one week earlier.
435
00:16:47,789 --> 00:16:49,339
Why did you resist early calls
436
00:16:49,340 --> 00:16:51,229
for a statewide shelter-in-place order?
437
00:16:51,230 --> 00:16:53,039
- As it were?
- I... I, uh...
438
00:16:53,040 --> 00:16:55,170
At the risk of editorializing,
Mr. Cuomo,
439
00:16:55,180 --> 00:16:56,999
you are an objectively evil murderer
440
00:16:57,000 --> 00:16:58,539
unfit for public office,
441
00:16:58,540 --> 00:17:00,419
and I am ashamed to
share your last name.
442
00:17:00,420 --> 00:17:02,008
That's all the time
we have this evening.
443
00:17:02,009 --> 00:17:03,921
Good night, America. As it were.
444
00:17:03,922 --> 00:17:05,939
- Tapper!
- Can we go back to talkin'
445
00:17:05,940 --> 00:17:07,384
about basketball?
446
00:17:08,320 --> 00:17:09,801
[PRESIDENT TRUMP] Good night, America.
447
00:17:09,803 --> 00:17:12,482
Stay strong, support our
troops, and tune in tomorrow
448
00:17:12,483 --> 00:17:14,560
to hear about my
patriotic new initiative
449
00:17:14,570 --> 00:17:16,160
replacing the CDC chief
450
00:17:16,170 --> 00:17:18,752
with the red-headed alcoholic
who killed Bin Laden.
451
00:17:18,753 --> 00:17:20,722
- [CLICK]
- I could use a vacation.
452
00:17:20,723 --> 00:17:23,459
Swim-up omelet bar, here I come!
453
00:17:23,460 --> 00:17:26,439
Not so fast, Donald. Just because
you get to stop campaigning
454
00:17:26,440 --> 00:17:28,119
doesn't mean you get to stop working!
455
00:17:28,120 --> 00:17:30,863
You gotta stay put if you
want those re-elections.
456
00:17:30,864 --> 00:17:32,839
But I wanna be first on the waterslide!
457
00:17:32,840 --> 00:17:34,772
I'll be damned if I have to wait in line
458
00:17:34,773 --> 00:17:36,871
behind a bunch of Gold Star widows!
459
00:17:36,872 --> 00:17:39,699
Being a wartime president
is a full-time job!
460
00:17:39,700 --> 00:17:41,479
It's not a normal nine-to-five,
461
00:17:41,480 --> 00:17:43,819
like slumlording or
dressing-room supervision.
462
00:17:43,820 --> 00:17:46,599
If someone snaps a photo of
you eating a dropped omelet
463
00:17:46,600 --> 00:17:48,819
out of a pool filter,
there goes your new image.
464
00:17:48,820 --> 00:17:50,599
You'll need to stick by that fireplace
465
00:17:50,600 --> 00:17:52,480
until Election Day 2020...
466
00:17:52,500 --> 00:17:54,240
and Election Day 2024...
467
00:17:54,250 --> 00:17:55,699
and Election Day 2028...
468
00:17:55,700 --> 00:17:58,429
- and Election Day 2032...
- [PRESIDENT TRUMP] War is hell.
469
00:17:58,430 --> 00:17:59,659
[MOTHER SCREAMING] Christopher!
470
00:17:59,660 --> 00:18:01,630
Ma, Ma! Quit yellin' at me!
471
00:18:01,633 --> 00:18:03,522
I'm disinvited to Sunday dinner?
472
00:18:03,523 --> 00:18:04,980
But it's Sunday dinner!
473
00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:07,118
What do you mean, after what
I did to my poor brother?
474
00:18:07,119 --> 00:18:09,160
Ma, listen. The news
is thicker than blood!
475
00:18:09,170 --> 00:18:11,542
No, that's not stupid.
Maybe you're stupid!
476
00:18:11,543 --> 00:18:13,542
- [PHONE BEEPS]
- Wait. Ma! Ma? I'm sorry!
477
00:18:13,543 --> 00:18:15,576
- [PHONE BUZZES]
- _
478
00:18:15,577 --> 00:18:18,232
[NARRATOR] Ah, yes.
Indubitably, as it were.
479
00:18:18,233 --> 00:18:21,207
[SLIDE WHISTLES AND FLATULENCE]
480
00:18:22,420 --> 00:18:24,940
[HANNITY] The brand-new
Trump National International
481
00:18:24,950 --> 00:18:28,599
Air Force Base/Resort/Casino
was paid a visit
482
00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:31,503
by a prominent mop bucket
who was among the first
483
00:18:31,504 --> 00:18:34,929
to go down the base's
brand-new waterslide.
484
00:18:34,959 --> 00:18:38,170
? ?
485
00:18:39,100 --> 00:18:41,665
- Knock. Knock.
- Nice try.
486
00:18:41,666 --> 00:18:43,395
I know you did that with your mouth.
487
00:18:43,396 --> 00:18:44,731
Well spotted, my boy.
488
00:18:44,740 --> 00:18:46,499
I just wanted to say how impressed I am
489
00:18:46,500 --> 00:18:49,638
with your, dare I say,
Tapper-esque lack of levity.
490
00:18:49,639 --> 00:18:52,613
I have a little something
for you from the network.
491
00:18:52,614 --> 00:18:54,959
Unless it's a plate of
my ma's Sunday ravioli,
492
00:18:54,960 --> 00:18:56,159
I'm not interested.
493
00:18:56,160 --> 00:18:59,279
This, my boy, is worth
one thousand raviolos.
494
00:18:59,280 --> 00:19:02,700
It's my great honor to
award a fellow recipient
495
00:19:02,701 --> 00:19:06,559
the CNN Excellence in Stoicism
and Newsmanship Medal!
496
00:19:06,560 --> 00:19:08,540
[SARCASTICALLY] Oh, great. Joo-la-ree.
497
00:19:08,550 --> 00:19:10,879
- What am I... a chick?
- What's gotten into you?
498
00:19:10,880 --> 00:19:13,842
You're riffing and bopping like
a common stand-up comedian.
499
00:19:13,843 --> 00:19:15,928
You ruined my life, you dumb stunad!
500
00:19:15,929 --> 00:19:18,942
Whoa! No need for such
colorfully ethnic language,
501
00:19:18,943 --> 00:19:22,433
normally a thing of beauty,
now employed at my expense.
502
00:19:22,434 --> 00:19:24,679
Screw you, Jake Tapper!
I bet that wasn't even
503
00:19:24,680 --> 00:19:26,313
what Vince News really looked like!
504
00:19:26,314 --> 00:19:27,648
Vince News wasn't real...
505
00:19:27,649 --> 00:19:29,652
- [GASPS]
- ... but merely a figment conjured
506
00:19:29,653 --> 00:19:32,679
from my unstoppable
imagination to help you!
507
00:19:32,680 --> 00:19:34,779
I now realize that was a mistake.
508
00:19:34,780 --> 00:19:37,157
Good night and good luck, Christopher.
509
00:19:37,158 --> 00:19:40,995
My hero, Vince News, not... real?
510
00:19:41,740 --> 00:19:43,450
[PRESIDENT TRUMP] I hope you're happy!
511
00:19:43,456 --> 00:19:46,059
I'm hot, bored, and everything
smells like barbecue,
512
00:19:46,060 --> 00:19:47,439
but there's no barbecue!
513
00:19:47,440 --> 00:19:49,040
Anywhere! I checked!
514
00:19:49,045 --> 00:19:50,702
You just gotta hang in there, Donald!
515
00:19:50,703 --> 00:19:53,302
This isn't mapping out your
cousin's erogenous zones;
516
00:19:53,303 --> 00:19:55,299
it doesn't happen
overnight in a hot tub.
517
00:19:55,300 --> 00:19:57,309
You did this to me, Giuliani!
518
00:19:57,310 --> 00:19:59,399
Because of your genius advice,
519
00:19:59,400 --> 00:20:02,799
I'm stuck being a boring
wartime president forever!
520
00:20:02,800 --> 00:20:04,550
But I guess that's
something a measly little
521
00:20:04,560 --> 00:20:07,310
forever-mayor could never understand!
522
00:20:07,313 --> 00:20:09,565
Hey, now! There's lotsa
stuff I don't understand...
523
00:20:09,566 --> 00:20:11,399
how birds boink, how to
make any of the toilets
524
00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:13,659
in my house work again...
but it'll work out,
525
00:20:13,660 --> 00:20:15,430
the same way everything
worked out for me.
526
00:20:15,431 --> 00:20:18,839
Ooh-ee! I can feel the
bedbugs on my left flank.
527
00:20:18,840 --> 00:20:20,610
It feels like they're
appointing a queen!
528
00:20:20,618 --> 00:20:22,932
I don't wanna hear it!
Y'know, sometimes I wonder
529
00:20:22,933 --> 00:20:24,909
if you're even on my side at all. Aah!
530
00:20:24,910 --> 00:20:26,082
Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
531
00:20:26,083 --> 00:20:27,876
Good thing I got this pint of house red.
532
00:20:27,877 --> 00:20:28,880
[FLAMES WHOOSH]
533
00:20:28,890 --> 00:20:31,378
O, blanket, my blanket!
534
00:20:31,379 --> 00:20:33,742
[PRESIDENT TRUMP WAILING]
535
00:20:33,743 --> 00:20:35,466
[POMPEO] Bad news from the front, sir.
536
00:20:35,467 --> 00:20:38,782
Our skirmishes overseas have
ballooned into full-on wars,
537
00:20:38,783 --> 00:20:40,479
and the freshly drafted civilians
538
00:20:40,480 --> 00:20:42,199
are getting their
behinds handed to them.
539
00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:44,560
- Uh-huh.
- Also, that redheaded alcoholic
540
00:20:44,561 --> 00:20:46,622
you put in charge of the CDC resigned
541
00:20:46,623 --> 00:20:48,792
after claiming he took
the coronavirus out
542
00:20:48,793 --> 00:20:50,394
with a headshot in 2011.
543
00:20:50,395 --> 00:20:51,959
- 'Kay.
- I'm sorry to say it,
544
00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:54,740
but the U.S. might be on track
to lose its first-ever war.
545
00:20:54,750 --> 00:20:56,320
Several decades from now, of course.
546
00:20:56,321 --> 00:21:00,241
I already lost my blanket.
Nothing can hurt me now.
547
00:21:01,080 --> 00:21:04,095
[TAPPER] And now for a very
special spin-off edition
548
00:21:04,096 --> 00:21:05,439
of "President Chump,"
549
00:21:05,440 --> 00:21:07,829
I give you "Chris Bozo."
550
00:21:07,830 --> 00:21:10,139
[TAPPER] Chris Bozo
was an unhappy monkey
551
00:21:10,140 --> 00:21:12,839
who asked his great
friend Jake Zookeeper
552
00:21:12,840 --> 00:21:14,579
to teach him how to stop eating bugs
553
00:21:14,580 --> 00:21:16,879
and flinging excrement
at his zoo viewers.
554
00:21:16,880 --> 00:21:19,539
But then the ungrateful Chris Bozo
555
00:21:19,540 --> 00:21:21,959
insulted Jake Zookeeper's cartoons,
556
00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:23,768
which, if they're good
enough for The Dartmouth,
557
00:21:23,770 --> 00:21:25,739
are certainly good
enough for Chris Bozo.
558
00:21:25,740 --> 00:21:29,019
And so Bozo went right
back to monkeying around,
559
00:21:29,020 --> 00:21:30,359
with his monkey tail
560
00:21:30,360 --> 00:21:32,119
- between his monkey legs.
- [WARBLE!]
561
00:21:32,120 --> 00:21:34,858
Monkey see, monkey... don't?
562
00:21:34,859 --> 00:21:37,570
That Chris Bozo guy
kinda reminds me of me.
563
00:21:38,840 --> 00:21:39,979
Unnhhh.
564
00:21:39,980 --> 00:21:43,950
Blanket! Want my... blanket!
565
00:21:43,951 --> 00:21:46,489
- [FDR] Patience, my boy!
- Blanket?
566
00:21:46,490 --> 00:21:48,779
Donald, you mustn't give up now!
567
00:21:48,780 --> 00:21:51,899
You're almost halfway through
the beginning of the first act
568
00:21:51,900 --> 00:21:55,760
of phase one of your wartime
presidency's early days!
569
00:21:55,770 --> 00:21:58,379
But my war is losing, Mr. PBJ.
570
00:21:58,380 --> 00:22:00,419
And I already lost my blanket.
571
00:22:00,420 --> 00:22:03,160
A wartime presidency isn't like mapping
572
00:22:03,170 --> 00:22:05,039
your cousin's erogenous zones;
573
00:22:05,040 --> 00:22:08,119
it doesn't happen overnight
in a clawfoot bathtub.
574
00:22:08,120 --> 00:22:10,990
You must keep fighting
the enemy just as I did,
575
00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:13,269
until it claims your very life.
576
00:22:13,270 --> 00:22:15,159
Haven't I done enough to fight the enemy
577
00:22:15,160 --> 00:22:18,100
by ignoring it until it knocked
out me and half my staff?
578
00:22:18,110 --> 00:22:19,699
And I couldn't have done it all
579
00:22:19,700 --> 00:22:23,799
without the help of my beautiful
cousin-wife, Eleanor Roosevelt!
580
00:22:23,800 --> 00:22:26,299
[SCREAMS] She's frumpy! She's frumpy!
581
00:22:26,300 --> 00:22:28,495
I don't wanna be like PBJ!
582
00:22:28,496 --> 00:22:30,247
Hunh. Enough!
583
00:22:30,248 --> 00:22:31,992
A real wartime president
584
00:22:31,993 --> 00:22:34,501
doesn't let a war be the boss of him.
585
00:22:34,502 --> 00:22:35,919
_
586
00:22:35,920 --> 00:22:38,039
Hi. E-Excuse me? Mr. Cuomo?
587
00:22:38,040 --> 00:22:40,354
I was in the building for an
adult scavenger hunt and...
588
00:22:40,355 --> 00:22:42,019
Geez, Mr. Cuomo, why the large face?
589
00:22:42,020 --> 00:22:44,419
Fuhgeddaboudit. In fact,
fuhgeddaboud everything.
590
00:22:44,420 --> 00:22:46,699
Well, I just wanted to,
uh, congratulate you
591
00:22:46,700 --> 00:22:48,599
on the new show. Righteous business!
592
00:22:48,600 --> 00:22:49,940
But I always did admire
593
00:22:49,950 --> 00:22:52,379
the way you were so
"you" on your old show.
594
00:22:52,380 --> 00:22:53,982
Guess I liked 'em both, huh?
595
00:22:53,983 --> 00:22:55,399
I tried to get everyone's respect,
596
00:22:55,400 --> 00:22:56,757
but I'm just a gullible goof
597
00:22:56,758 --> 00:22:59,610
who fell for Mr. Tapper's
fake Vince News cartoon.
598
00:22:59,611 --> 00:23:01,492
Whoa. Mr. Tapper drew a cartoon for you?
599
00:23:01,493 --> 00:23:02,560
Righteous business.
600
00:23:02,570 --> 00:23:05,039
For him to devote his
priceless imagination to you
601
00:23:05,040 --> 00:23:07,340
in cartoon form,
he must really respect you.
602
00:23:07,350 --> 00:23:09,479
No one respects me.
I shoulda never tried
603
00:23:09,480 --> 00:23:10,899
to become a serious newsman.
604
00:23:10,900 --> 00:23:12,620
Now I'm as caught in
the middle as the Hulk
605
00:23:12,630 --> 00:23:14,702
before he gets buff but
after he gets green.
606
00:23:14,703 --> 00:23:17,540
Aw, come on, Mr. Cuomo.
Newsmanship is a spectrum.
607
00:23:17,550 --> 00:23:19,272
There's just as much room for serious,
608
00:23:19,273 --> 00:23:21,819
highly revered newsmen
like Jake Tapper and myself
609
00:23:21,820 --> 00:23:23,642
as there is for down-to-earth goofballs
610
00:23:23,643 --> 00:23:25,133
like you and Lester Holt.
611
00:23:25,134 --> 00:23:26,379
- Really?!
- Of course.
612
00:23:26,380 --> 00:23:27,763
Well, see ya around.
613
00:23:27,764 --> 00:23:29,889
Hey, kid! Catch.
614
00:23:29,890 --> 00:23:32,369
- Wow! Thanks, Mr. Cuomo!
- No.
615
00:23:32,370 --> 00:23:33,379
- Thank you.
- Wow.
616
00:23:33,380 --> 00:23:34,391
Geez. This thing's pretty heavy.
617
00:23:34,393 --> 00:23:35,688
[VEHICLE REVERSE-SIGNAL BEEPING]
618
00:23:35,689 --> 00:23:37,519
[RUMBLING]
619
00:23:37,520 --> 00:23:39,359
What the hell are you doing, Donald?!
620
00:23:39,360 --> 00:23:42,359
Something I should've
done a long time ago.
621
00:23:42,360 --> 00:23:45,499
You had it all wrong. PBJ
and I are nothing alike.
622
00:23:45,500 --> 00:23:48,399
I don't need to play by
his rules or his war.
623
00:23:48,400 --> 00:23:51,621
I can be a wartime president
in my own way. Idiot!
624
00:23:51,622 --> 00:23:53,940
[PRESIDENT TRUMP]
Today I've bravely decided
625
00:23:53,950 --> 00:23:56,779
to declare victory against coronavirus.
626
00:23:56,780 --> 00:23:59,239
It's time to bring our
troops home to America,
627
00:23:59,240 --> 00:24:01,579
where they belong,
waiting 12 years for the VA
628
00:24:01,580 --> 00:24:03,119
to approve their trauma counseling.
629
00:24:03,120 --> 00:24:05,679
Finally, in remembrance
of the heroism of me
630
00:24:05,680 --> 00:24:07,620
and sacrifice we all endured,
631
00:24:07,630 --> 00:24:09,899
I hereby designate my blanket,
632
00:24:09,900 --> 00:24:12,263
horrifically maimed
in the flames of war,
633
00:24:12,264 --> 00:24:13,979
to be displayed in the Smithsonian
634
00:24:13,980 --> 00:24:17,419
in a place of supreme honor
next to Archie Bunker's chair.
635
00:24:17,420 --> 00:24:19,819
I'll either do that or
drop nuclear bombs
636
00:24:19,820 --> 00:24:22,229
on all the coronavirus
hot zones in America.
637
00:24:22,230 --> 00:24:23,768
- Blanket one!
- Yeah! Do the blanket thing!
638
00:24:23,770 --> 00:24:25,362
[MAN] I'm thinkin' blanket!
639
00:24:25,363 --> 00:24:26,572
[DRAMATIC CHORD STRIKES]
640
00:24:26,573 --> 00:24:30,019
I'm Jake Tapper, and
every man is an island.
641
00:24:30,020 --> 00:24:33,479
We may drift close to one another,
but never truly touch.
642
00:24:33,480 --> 00:24:35,783
- Today's top story...
- 'Scuse me, 'scuse me!
643
00:24:35,784 --> 00:24:38,320
Well if it isn't the rude Mr. Cuomo,
644
00:24:38,330 --> 00:24:40,539
trespassing on my very show.
645
00:24:40,540 --> 00:24:42,599
Excuse me, Mr. Tapper, but my top story
646
00:24:42,600 --> 00:24:44,297
is I have somethin' to show you.
647
00:24:44,298 --> 00:24:46,592
One day, the stupid monkey Chris Bozo
648
00:24:46,593 --> 00:24:48,139
lost sight of what's important
649
00:24:48,140 --> 00:24:51,519
and lost his Sunday dinner
and his family along the way.
650
00:24:51,520 --> 00:24:54,019
He even lost his friend Mr. Tapper,
651
00:24:54,020 --> 00:24:56,679
who was only trying to help him out.
652
00:24:56,680 --> 00:25:00,605
Monkey see, monkey...
I'm sorry, Mr. Tapper.
653
00:25:00,606 --> 00:25:03,281
- That drawing was really bad.
- Ya mean it?
654
00:25:03,282 --> 00:25:05,200
Apology accepted, Christopher.
655
00:25:05,210 --> 00:25:08,200
If I may, I'd like to shake your hand.
656
00:25:08,210 --> 00:25:11,020
Euohh! Hands off the merchandise!
657
00:25:11,810 --> 00:25:15,479
And now without further ado,
unless anyone wants to hear
658
00:25:15,480 --> 00:25:17,400
my Chechen massage-parlor story again...
659
00:25:17,410 --> 00:25:19,559
the man whose bravery and leadership
660
00:25:19,560 --> 00:25:21,869
inspired this very Trump Monument,
661
00:25:21,870 --> 00:25:23,519
President Donald Trump!
662
00:25:23,520 --> 00:25:25,794
- [APPLAUSE]
- When I first declared this war,
663
00:25:25,795 --> 00:25:27,779
I thought I needed a big foreign enemy
664
00:25:27,780 --> 00:25:29,739
in order to be a wartime president.
665
00:25:29,740 --> 00:25:32,840
But the real war was
inside me all along.
666
00:25:32,850 --> 00:25:36,359
You see, a Trump war isn't
fought with sweeping invasions,
667
00:25:36,360 --> 00:25:38,359
but with individual drone strikes
668
00:25:38,360 --> 00:25:40,312
of hatred and personal cruelty.
669
00:25:40,313 --> 00:25:42,239
I'll always be a wartime president
670
00:25:42,240 --> 00:25:44,199
because I will always
have an enemy in those
671
00:25:44,200 --> 00:25:46,899
who try to drag me down,
whether it's my cabinet,
672
00:25:46,900 --> 00:25:48,939
my advisors, my immune system,
673
00:25:48,940 --> 00:25:50,109
that mop bucket,
674
00:25:50,110 --> 00:25:53,420
or even stupid President PBJ
and his butt-ugly wife.
675
00:25:53,450 --> 00:25:56,199
And so I vow that a war like this one
676
00:25:56,200 --> 00:25:58,799
will never happen again...
unless I feel like it.
677
00:25:58,800 --> 00:26:00,999
I still kind of want to
drop an atomic bomb.
678
00:26:01,000 --> 00:26:02,869
Anyway!
679
00:26:02,870 --> 00:26:04,378
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
680
00:26:04,870 --> 00:26:06,579
[CHRIS] Euohh! Watch it, will ya!
681
00:26:06,580 --> 00:26:08,463
You're gettin' sauce on my Hugo Boss!
682
00:26:08,464 --> 00:26:09,999
Lighten up, little brother!
683
00:26:10,000 --> 00:26:12,636
Indeed, Christopher! Lighten! Lighten!
684
00:26:12,637 --> 00:26:14,712
Welcome back, folks,
to the Christopher Cuomo
685
00:26:14,713 --> 00:26:16,319
Prime Time Serious Show As It Were
686
00:26:16,320 --> 00:26:17,929
Ayy Just Kiddin' Get Over Here, Kid."
687
00:26:17,930 --> 00:26:20,059
Tonight we're talkin' Trump's
whole coronavirus deal.
688
00:26:20,060 --> 00:26:21,659
You believe this guy? Va fongool!
689
00:26:21,660 --> 00:26:24,232
- 'Ey! Va fongool!
- Disappointing to say the least!
690
00:26:24,233 --> 00:26:26,060
This sauce is fantastic!
691
00:26:26,070 --> 00:26:28,479
[ANDREW MOCKING TAPPER]
"This sauce is fantastic!"
692
00:26:28,480 --> 00:26:30,432
Oh-ho! You got him, big brother!
693
00:26:30,433 --> 00:26:31,439
I love you guys.
694
00:26:31,440 --> 00:26:33,616
- [ANDREW] Love you, too.
- [TAPPER] And I love you, as well.
695
00:26:33,617 --> 00:26:38,019
- ['80S-STYLE POP MUSIC PLAYS]
- ? Donald Trump is the president ?
696
00:26:38,020 --> 00:26:41,837
? Donald Trump is the president ?
697
00:26:41,838 --> 00:26:44,335
? Is Donald Trump the president? ?
698
00:26:44,336 --> 00:26:45,617
? Yes, he is ?
699
00:26:45,618 --> 00:26:48,755
? Yes, he is, we elected him president ?
700
00:26:48,756 --> 00:26:51,429
? Is Donald Trump the president? ?
701
00:26:51,430 --> 00:26:52,599
? Yes, he is ?
702
00:26:52,600 --> 00:26:55,917
? We had a vote and
elected him president ?
703
00:26:55,918 --> 00:27:01,410
? Donald Trump is the president ?
704
00:27:02,950 --> 00:27:04,632
? Donald Trump ?
705
00:27:04,633 --> 00:27:08,202
? He is our president ?
706
00:27:08,203 --> 00:27:11,194
? We made him president ?
707
00:27:11,195 --> 00:27:13,779
? We did it ?
708
00:27:13,780 --> 00:27:17,762
? Donald Trump is the president ?
709
00:27:17,763 --> 00:27:20,799
? We elected Donald Trump ?
710
00:27:20,800 --> 00:27:24,375
? Donald Trump is the president ?
711
00:27:24,390 --> 00:27:28,033
? Donald Trump is the president ?
712
00:27:28,040 --> 00:27:31,610
? Yeah ?
713
00:27:31,611 --> 00:27:33,620
Trump!
714
00:27:33,670 --> 00:27:38,220
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