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# 2000 kisses keep me awake #

# 2000 kisses that's what I take #

# 2000 kisses listen to me #

# I'm used to getting #

# Everyone bring #

# 2000 kisses who wants to sleep? #

# 2000 kisses everyone needs #

# So come on, come on #

# Get to my door #

# And I will give you 10,000 more. #

Hello, ladies.

This is all kind of funny,

really.

Actually this whole thing

started because of laughter. You know, laughter,

when the smile has an orgasm.

And out of 100

of you women, I can bring 99 of you to this climax chuckle.

I can.

But I can't make

the one girl I love smile like she made me smile

on the worst day of my already

terrible, laughable life,

which is quite a feat

considering I've been having horrible days

ever since I was a kid.

# You think that you #

# Could walk out on me #

# Every day I grow farther from you #

# You think that I'll be there... #

Sorry, I'm sorry.

# I'm finished with you #

# I celebrate #

# I celebrate #

# My days of hate, my days of hate #

# 'Cause now I see #

# That you're nothing to me... #

# Go #

Your tongue is caught on my clit ring.

Oh God. No!

Don't move, don't, don't, don't move!

# So go out and get with #

# Any guy you find #

# Every day I grow farther from you #

# Don't come crawling back #

# When you can't find #

This drawing is...

appalling.

You show absolutely no understanding of this womans

or any womans.

In the future the only drawing you'll be doing

is drawing... unemployment.

You have to listen to me. We are over.

We are completely and totally over.

Next time you break up with me,

you wanna do it before I give you a ride home?

(speaking German) We are over.

Hey, no! You can't do this to me now!

Please, Gretchen, not now!

Today's already the worst day of my life!

(car horn beeping)

I believe you've lost your smile.

You've lost your smile.

Guy's voice: Her name was Hope.

She had this winning smile

that could take Olympic gold.

Guy: I've had a lot of bad days in my life,

but today definitely qualifies as the worst.

Things could be worse.

At least Gretchen broke up with you before she made you

get your penis pierced.

You see,

you're funny ha-ha. I'm just sort of

accidentally funny.

- Accidentally funny? - Yeah.

I'm always doing weird stuff and I don't even know it.

It just happens and thus, I'm accidentally funny.

Sam, nobody's normal all the time.

Look at me.

I just noticed I've had my shirt on inside-out

all day.

Yeah, but you know,

I'm not even normal some of the time.

You see, would you look at this?

Case in point, right? I have a fake wallet

I keep in my pants pocket in case I get mugged.

I keep my real money crumpled up inside my sock.

This is odd.

You know anyone else in the entire world that does this?

- Mm-hmm. - One other.

- Who? - Me.

That's a really good idea.

Great.

Now I'm contagious.

Sam, what made you enroll in art school?

I sort of determined that all artists are weird,

so if I became one, then I'd have an excuse

for my chronic strangeness.

You can see now why today is my personal Waterloo.

In less than an hour I've not only found out

I have no talent, no future,

no girlfriend,

but now I also have no excuses for my eccentrocities.

- What can I do to cheer you up? - Nothing.

- There's nothing you can do. - Maybe I could...

start by cleaning the snew off your shirt.

Snew?

- What's snew? - I don't know.

What's snew with you?

What did Snow White say to Pinocchio

when she was sitting on his face?

"Lie to me, lie to me."

So let's make like a baby and head out.

Let's go.

You know what I think we should do?

No.

Which window did you say was your ex-girlfriend's?

I think it was that one.

You bastard, I'm gonna come down there

and cut your balls off.

Then I'm gonna shove them in your mouth and make you eat them.

Sam: Laughter really is one of the smile orgasms.

Let me tell you Hope and I had laughter that was

multiple, simultaneous, wet.

- Hope: My number 555... - Okay.

- 6344. - 6344.

- Okay great... - Oh and...

Don't forget this...

- Hey, yeah. - Your smile.

And thank you for giving it back to me.

Yeah.

(horn beeping, thunderclap)

- That's my ride. - Okay.

- Call me. - Yeah, I will.

Sam: I had to find Hope.

So I took a job as a delivery guy.

Here's your order.

Sam: Hope probably would have called me a cuisine courier.

Here's your...

Sam: It's lame, I know, but at least the job allowed me

to search for Hope on every corner...

- Taxi! - And every building

on every run I made throughout the city.

Oh my God. I'm so sorry.

I'm gonna pull out, I mean, back out.

Woman: Women, please follow me this way.

The Abigail Wadley Women's Residence and Club

has been in existence since 1923.

We have women from all 50 states as well as Puerto Rico and Guam.

And 20 other countries.

We have two Olympic-sized swimming pools,

as well as four tennis courts.

(growling)

Excuse me?

Hi. Do you know where 6D is?

(growling)

Thanks.

Delivery.

Wow, Hope!

- Hey! - Hello, Sam.

Oh my God. I've been looking for you everywhere.

You have no idea, I am so sorry I never called you,

because you wrote your number down on my palm

and it was pouring rain that night

- and it just washed off... - It's okay.

How are you?

You look like someone dropped an ACME safe on your head.

- I'm fine. - Yeah.

Me too, I'm fine too.

Well, this is awkward.

Times like this I think about dogs.

Dogs?

Yeah.

I like the way they lick your face

and let you pet them all over when you first meet them.

It's just it would be nice

if women could immediately let you know you're liked

the way that a dog lets you know.

Really nice icebreaker.

Maybe.

- Your chicken fajitas. - Oh, thanks.

You remembered the extra salsa.

I think all I have is a 50.

That's okay.

I think I can break that.

You got me making a habit out of this.

Are you sure you're all right?

Never better.

'Cause you don't look never better.

You're wrong, I'm fine.

I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken

and I'm not wrong here.

Come on, what's the matter?

Nothing that a nice high ledge with a view

couldn't take care of.

Goodbye, Sam.

- Hey. Where's Holden? - He's in back.

I wanna bottle up your sweat, baby.

Oh you got such a tight, tight ass.

What's that?

Squeeze it harder, huh? Yeah.

What the hell are you doing?

Hey, man.

What's going on? I was...

rearranging my collection.

It was totally inefficient.

I had "Double Penetration" filed under "Double Dildo."

I don't care about your Smithsonian of smut.

Why was your hand on your ass?

Sometimes I gotta get a little kinky to...

jack up the old winky.

If I stare at this centerfold

and concentrate real hard while grabbing my own butt

it feels like I'm feeling up Ms. September's ass.

Uncle Bart would be really pissed if he came in here

and caught you flicking the Grinch.

Whoa.

I haven't seen you this cranky since camp

when I gave you that Montezuma swirly.

Come on.

- Spill your guts. - No, I can't.

Why?

Why can't you tell me what's going on?

Holden, how can I talk to you?

You're one of those guys who has a tray

that makes boob-shaped Jell-O. You once bought one of those

man-girls with the underwear to lift and separate your butt.

You've got arthritis from jerking off too many times.

I did not get arthritis.

It's carpal-tunnel syndrome.

Hey, Holden.

These gelatin boobs are fantastic.

Yeah, they're sensitive, aren't they?

You're so tense.

What you need is a date

with my two-dimensional lady friend here.

She not only pulls out...

but she puts out.

What do you think, Sam?

It's the mass of the ass directly proportional

to the beauty of the cutie.

What?

See, that is the spirit. When you're down in the dumper

you just gotta laugh it off.

You know what?

That's actually a good idea.

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A fish.

Look at this article.

It explains how feel-good endorphins can make you smile.

Conversely, it says if you force a smile on your face

you can trick your body into releasing these same

feel-good endorphins, which then make you happy.

Did you know that if you change the "I's" in Mississippi

to "O's" you get Mossossoppo.

Come on, are those endorphins pumping'?

Come on, that's great.

Look at that face.

- Come on, look at that... - Stop, Sam.

I appreciate the effort

and your comedy act.

It's a great success.

It's your audience that's a total failure.

I gotta get some new material.

Whoa!

Oh my God.

I think I broke it.

I think "busted it" is a more appropriate phrase.

Does it hurt?

No, you didn't pop my boob,

you just poked a hole in my Aqua bra.

Hey, I'm "Flat Chested," I mean I'm Annie.

Hi, I'm Sam.

What's an Aqua bra?

It's a brazier that supplements the figure

with water implants.

See?

Thar she blows!

God.

Okay, okay.

It's a tickle,

I gotta remember to tell my friend Hope about this.

- Oh, Hope on the top floor? - Yeah.

She doesn't think anything's funny.

What gave her such a mood dunk?

Is she always like this?

No, when I first met her she was pretty happy...

- I'll catch you later. - Okay.

One day Hope came home and something happened.

I haven't seen her out of her room since,

but I work really weird hours at the hospital

so maybe some of the other girls have seen her around.

- It was nice meeting you. - Yeah, you too.

Do you know Hope in 6D?

My acting coach told me not to talk to anyone

while I'm doing my exercises.

Hey, Excuse me, miss, do you know...?

What did he instruct you to do,

act like a coffee-table?

No.

I'm the wind blowing in the desert.

(radio announcer)

Hello?

Delivery.

Door's open.

Wow, what a great place you got here.

I just delivered to that girl Hope up in 6D.

Man her place was a wreck.

Do you know her?

Hi. I'm Sam. I'm your coffee delivery guy.

I said, do you know Hope in 6D?

Hey, I'm speaking to you, Tanya.

Can you hear me say this?

You look like a man-eating Amazon Princess

donning her warpaint in preparation

for battle in the corporate jungle.

Delivery boy,

could you bring me my espresso?

Oh!

I take it that's an order from Tanya, Amazon Princess.

Your Majesty commands me to bow down

before her and fetch her coffee.

Well, I refuse.

I won't be your slave no matter what you throw at me.

I'm not turned on by your executrix,

power suit, your war armor.

Your miniskirt loincloth displays a powerful weapon...

your thighs, which make me cower with lust.

And your brazier is like

a protective breastplate you can tear away

to unsheathe your most powerful weapon,

your hypnotic breasts.

Here's your coffee.

Oh and by the way,

I'm not the Amazon Princess,

I'm the Amazon Queen.

What are all these balloons for?

Some kid's birthday party.

How's the probe going?

Probe? Oh, the investigation.

It's terrible.

Some of these girls can be really mean.

There's this one girl Tanya, she treats me like a total peon.

Pee on?

I didn't know you were into watersports.

No, not like that.

God, Holden.

Do you ever think about anything other than sex?

I say forget about Hope

and move on to someone who's more probe-able.

No, it's not gonna happen. I'm not giving up on her.

Come on, man, wake up and smell the pussy.

You are totally in love with her.

You think that if you find her smile

she'll end up falling in love with you like some fairy tale.

But more likely she'll end up screwing you over

and you'll end up taking it in the tail.

Okay, all right.

You know, I do love her but I'm also her friend.

Something terrible happened to her in that building.

I'm gonna find out what that was

and maybe I can make things right again.

Easy on those balloons, you don't want to disappoint

the birthday... boy.

Wait a minute.

Today is your birthday.

Now that...

is what I call a blow job.

Check this out. Oo-ooh.

Kaboom Monthly?

The definitive guide for popping a boner.

Hey, when you're done, can I look at that?

No!

Hello? Delivery.

Got a delivery here.

Stop trying to find out what happened to Hope.

Hey!

Who are you? Come back here! I need to speak to you!

Please! Oh no, where did you go?

Why don't you want me to find out what's wrong with Hope?

Where are you?

Not so fast.

They say that toenails are the teeth of the foot.

If that's true I'd say you have a nice set of fangs.

Think you're funny?

Pretty cheese ball if you ask me.

The same thing could be said about

your record-setting toe jam.

Hey, you're that delivery boy for that place Bart's

on the other side of the park, aren't you?

Why thank you, Captain Obvious.

That's not my name.

It's Willens.

And I manage this place.

And I don't like you snooping around.

If I see you around here again,

I'm gonna make sure I call...

You almost hit me with that.

How'd you like it if I loaded one up?

Go ahead,

make my day.

You gotta be joking.

Hey, I was just clearing my nasal passages.

You were the one making a thing of it.

All right. All right. Don't go doing anything rash.

Take your fingers

off the nostril.

You first.

Same time.

(Willens laughing)

Ah-hh!

Eat it, Willens.

Go ahead,

pull the trigger.

- Pull on this. - Get lost, Hoss.

At this point the only thing I'd figured out

is why "detective" is sometimes called a dick,

'cause that's exactly what I had found out.

As a sleuth investigating the mystery of Hope,

I had to find a new strategy.

Hey, Sam. Your rent is due.

#... I was thinking it would be so exciting #

# There's so much that we could do... #

Hey, Hope!

Look at this!

Hope!

Hey, Hope! Come to the window!

Look at this!

#... The other day #

# He keeps on calling but I met another boy instead #

# By the way... #

Hey, come on, Hope!

Look at this! This is funny!

# I was thinking it would be so exciting #

# And there's so much that we could do #

# I wanna get with you... #

Hi. Okay, look,

I have to ask you something

and you have to promise not to laugh.

Promise.

Ever since I met you I always wanted

to take you to dinner and the movies.

Okay.

- Just this once. - Yeah.

- Give me a sec, okay? - Sure.

So, do you think that Hope is cute?

Oh, yeah, she is such a fox.

I think so too. Get your hands off of her

- (door opening) - Shh.

Come on in.

I love what you've done to the place.

It's got a sort of post-modern- Miss Havisham look to it.

Don't mind the mess.

It's okay.

Here you go.

So, I hear you used to be a model.

If we're gonna talk about me you're gonna have to leave.

Sorry.

It's just the other day when you found me

I sort of feel like...

like you saved me.

And I just wanted to say thank you.

I was gonna make some coffee, do you want any?

Yeah, sure.

So you know, like I said the other day

when I saw you...

You know what, actually you don't owe me anything.

You know, it's...

I know I don't owe you anything.

I'm just trying to be your friend.

Do you want any cream or sugar?

I'll get some sugar.

I mean I'm just trying to be your friend.

That's what friends do, right? They help each other out.

- I'm gonna ask you to leave. - What?

I shouldn't have done this and...

I just said I was trying to be your friend.

I'm gonna give you money for the meal.

- No, no, the meals on me. - Will you please?

Yes Sam, please, will you just go?

- Will you take the money? - I'm not gonna take money.

- Please. - No, forget it. I'm not gonna...

- Just take the money... - No, no.

The meal... no, no. The meal's on me.

Please, will you at least go Dutch with me?

Okay.

That must be so difficult.

Ah-hh!

It's me, Sam, it's Annie.

I just couldn't hear over the wash machines.

I forgot I had that thing on. It's a facial massager.

It's supposed to tighten the muscles in my face

- so that I look thinner. - Of course it is.

I think this piece goes there

and this piece goes here.

You're still missing some pieces.

Why don't you draw in the missing parts?

You went to the Art Institute, right?

I never finished.

I was so bad, they made me turn in my beret.

Now the Royal Academy of Velvet Painters won't accept me.

Can't even get my my work shown in the Contemporary

- Museum of Stick Figure Art. - Who cares?

The curators of that museum have sticks up their butt.

Velvet painting died with Elvis.

Berets? They're not even real hats.

I've always thought that. It's got no brim.

- Doesn't cover your ears. - Nope.

It's not a hat. It's a goddamn cap.

That's what it is.

Why do you have a pen attached to your hip?

Because I am the fastest draw in the West.

Really?

I had a bit of a mishap at my prom.

I don't put pens in my pockets anymore.

It's a bit of a long story.

You ever think about how far an artist's hand has traveled?

Look at yourself sketching.

Your fingers are in constant motion.

Every time you shade, the pen moves

a couple of inches a second, that's gotta add up.

This hand has traveled long distances,

especially in the shower.

Seriously.

Do you know what my favorite part of being an artist is?

It's the most honest profession in the world.

How's that?

You can pretty much fake

being good at any other profession

but as an artist either your drawing is good or it's bad.

An artist just has to lay everything on the line.

Yeah, literally.

Wait a second.

I've seen this somewhere before.

Gretchen: Here's the album you wanted to borrow.

Took me a really long time to find it.

I never listen to them anymore.

Welcome. "How to see your ex-girlfriend

and live to tell about it..."

that is the subject of today's class.

You didn't have to concoct some story about wanting

to borrow some music just to have an excuse to see me.

First, the guy must act nice

to prove that he can handle the break up maturely.

No, I really wanted to borrow the album.

But it is great to see you.

You finally got your forehead pierced.

Looks good.

Being nice only makes the ex think he wants

to get back together. She, with undisguised pleasure,

reminds him that she is the dumper and he is the dumpee.

I'm flattered you called, but I broke up with you.

This doesn't mean that I want to hook up with you again.

This unwarranted rejection

hurts like a kick to the shins.

Really, Sam.

Ah-hh!

The second punishment sneaks up on you like a snake.

Ss-sss!

Now. Go.

Gretchen: I'm hot, I'm thirsty. I'm hot, I'm thirsty!

Whatever happened to those "Size 14" guys?

They cut one album, then disappeared.

The evil she-dumper tortures the poor dumpee with flirtations

he tries to avoid.

Did you tongue finally heal up?

- Oh yeah, it's never better. - Really?

It was pretty good before.

The she-dumper is a big prick-tease.

Does the scar tickle the roof of your mouth?

Yeah, it does. You should feel it.

When the dumped chump flirts back

she stops flirting...

Sam, I told you, we are definitely over.

...giving him a bad case

of blue balls.

I think I should be a lawyer. But then again, I want to be a vet.

The final torment

is the worst.

What're we talking about? I can't do any of those things,

- I suck. - No, you're really smart.

You can do anything you set your mind to.

By the way, where am I taking you?

We're going to meet Carl. I want you to be nice to him.

He's my new boyfriend.

Whoa!

It's a ball buster.

Sam, this is Carl.

- Hi. - Hi.

Sam: This album cover, how did ripping it up

connect to what was ripping up Hope's heart?

I played this album until my ears bled.

I hope the lyrics might provide some insight to me

or to anyone else who listened to it.

# I touched her ass... #

Man: Hey, butthead, turn down that music.

Please, listen.

Thanks for listening.

By the way what are you today?

A Vietnam War Memorial.

Do you like music?

Whatcha doing back there?

Getting' ready to battle in the corporate jungle?

Is that your warpaint?

God.

Why do I even try with her?

Do you mind if I call China?

Hey, why do you have your pager number on speed dial?

Oh my God.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

I was just trying to make conversation.

How come you won't give me the time of day?

Just give me my coffee.

No. Not until you give me some answers.

- Give it to me. - No.

Give me some straight answers or the espresso gets it.

I got a lot on my mind today

and I don't have time to be dealing with somebody like you.

With someone like me?

What, are you saying I'm a lowly delivery guy?

I don't get it. You women have always been treated like crap

by your boys club bosses and now that you career girls

have finally clawed your way to the top,

why do you treat people below you the same way?

Maybe I wouldn't have to act like such a bitch on wheels

if you guys weren't so angry that I made more money than you.

Now give it to me.

Pretty cranky in the morning without your caffeine fix.

You know what makes me angry with women sometimes?

I am a gentleman. I always open doors for women,

but when a woman is in front of me at an entrance

nine times out of 10 she doesn't hold the door open for me.

You want men to treat you as equals but you won't give

- equal treatment to men. - What do you want?

Respect. A "Hello." A "How are you?" with feeling

would be great for starters.

Okay, how about a "Goodbye" and "To hell with you"?

Ah-hh!

Stay.

Five bucks an hour. The plumber can blow me.

Woman: Stop trying to find out what happened to Hope.

See, all I have to do is find the girl

who has this scar on her behind...

And boom! You can crack the case.

# Hey there, I just want to tell ya #

# You're a beautiful girl #

# I got nothin' to lose #

# May I introduce myself? #

- What are you doing? - # Hello #

# It's so nice to meet you #

# I'm the guy you don't want #

# And you must be the girl I'll never have... #

I hope that water's not too cold.

Rose petal, rose petal, beauty.

Today I'm my vagina.

To really complete that assignment

you should add an orgasm to it.

Oo-ooh, yeah.

# Hello, it's so nice to meet you #

# I'm the guy you don't want #

# And you must be the girl I'll never have... #

Harder.

Deeper.

Oh yes, yes.

Do you know that phrase,

"Behind every great man, there's a great woman"?

I'm sort of afraid that I'll never be a great man

because I can't get my great woman.

I prefer the corollary,

"Behind every great woman, there's a great man.

I'm serious here.

Is it impossible to become a great man

without a great woman?

What is this? We don't stock these.

I ordered those for me.

"Older & Bolder" magazine.

"Grannies & Fannies Illustrated."

"Wide Load Review."

- "Stump Monthly." - Shut up.

I'm tired of you acting like you're from the buckle of the Bible belt.

At least I have faced the awful truth.

What awful truth?

I am gross.

All men are. And every day

we face the endless nightmare,

love handle by love handle.

Nose hair by nose hair,

we are becoming more grotesque versions

of the cute boys we once were.

It is impossible to stop the hoards of time

from destroying our muscle tone and leave us

with these defeated, saggy male boobies.

But I am at peace.

I have come to grips with the horror

that has become me.

So how does "Moist & Midget" magazine improve your image?

Because men are gross on the inside too.

That's why these magazines sell.

A woman's pussy mound is a slippery slope.

Sex is a narcotic, and you my friend,

are addicted just like me.

Only you're at the smoking marijuana stage.

I'm at the heroine stage.

More like the speed-balling stage.

Good one. Now my point is

an addict needs a bigger and bigger fix

each time just to get the same high.

That's why they move on to the hard stuff.

Sex is the same way.

You gotta get something kinkier and kinkier

just to get the same thrill in your drill.

Okay, so hence, "America's Hairiest" magazine?

I don't know if "America's Hairiest"

is gonna give me donkey dick.

But I'm a stoner for a boner

and these magazines are somebody's fix.

They might get my pecker high, they might not.

You are so far off. You're not even wrong.

It is so much better with a woman.

Don't fool yourself.

The straight screw is the methadone of sex.

It'll keep you from the hard stuff for awhile,

sooner or later you will roll off your old lady,

just like an addict falls off the wagon.

Accept it, Sam.

You and I are alike.

Your weirdness is one step away from my grossness.

You enrolled in art school so you could see naked women.

That is no different than me looking at dirty pictures.

It's completely different.

One is art

and the other is pornography.

Yes, but once you start down that dark path

forever will it dominatrix your destiny.

Join me.

I'll never join you.

It's in your blood, Sam.

I am your cousin.

No-oo!

Now Holden and I did have some of the same DNA,

and this meant that I could have the same genetic inclination

as him towards becoming the Grand Poobah of Perversion.

It had me spooked.

(pounding on door)

Trick or treat.

I should have guessed.

Who are you supposed to be?

I'm Popeye.

And what am I supposed to be?

You my dear, are a Freudian slip.

- You know what I can't stand? - Kids: Trick or treat.

People who aren't who they say they are.

Like, take for instance, wise old Mahatma Gandhi.

Did you know that in a speech advocating non-violent protest,

he once said that Mussolini wasn't a bad man?

I had the same feeling when I saw a comic book about the Pope.

What does the Pope need a comic book for?

Yeah and who are the idiots that want to read

- a comic book on the Pope? - Yeah, exactly. Like,

"What do I want, Batman or the Pope?"

Like the Popemobile is as cool as the Batmobile.

I'm gonna get some more candy.

Don't get me wrong or anything,

I'm not a Bible basher.

I'm an equal opportunity curmudgeon.

I also hate the jerks on the other end of the spectrum.

You know the ones... at those old beat-up cars...

with the bumper sticker on the bottom there

that says, like, "Don't laugh,

your daughter might be in the trunk."

Sam: His name is Richard Blaine.

I think he's the peckerhead who broke Hope's heart.

This party was the perfect place

for us to get the girls to give us the skinny on him.

Gotcha. Let's probe.

My friend Richard Blaine used to do an acting exercise

exactly like that.

This isn't an exercise.

This is how I dance.

Do you know a guy named Richard Blaine?

Carl!

Has anyone ever told you, you got a rack that should be bronzed?

Beat it.

My friend Richard Blaine loves puzzles like this.

Do you know him?

- Did you get it done? - Yeah.

Hey, hey wait!

How do you get out of this thing?

Whatcha doing?

Finger fucking?

No.

It's a Chinese finger puzzle.

The harder I pull,

the more stuck I become.

That happened to me once, except it wasn't in a puzzle,

it was in an Asian chick.

What was her name?

Chew Me Wang.

This thing has got me thinking,

Hope is a lot like this puzzle.

The harder I try,

the further I get away from solving it.

If you want to find out what happened to Hope

do exactly as I say

and keep absolutely quiet.

Now wait here.

If you want to have the greatest sex of your life

do exactly as I say

Oo-ooh! Kinky.

You know what gets me hot?

Doing it in complete silence.

Shh!

What are you doing?

Sam?

Holden?

I told you to stop trying to find out what happened to Hope,

but you wouldn't listen.

You know that Chinese finger puzzle?

Yeah?

It doesn't just work on fingers.

Both: Ah! Ah!

Ah-hh!

Oh God! Holden, lower your puppy.

Lower your puppy.

Hey, it's the wiseguy.

This way. Come on, this way.

This way.

Now cough.

Oh man, my heart's beating so fast

I can't reduce the blood flow.

You guys have been in the bathroom a long time.

What's the hold up?

- How you doing, Holden? - No luck, I need inspiration.

I need impotence inspiring

imagery.

What is this?

Check out this fat chick. She is a real Bahama Mama.

She is fatty, fatty, fat, fat.

- Oh, I think it's working. - Is it?

- Yes... - Really?

It is.

Nothing like something saggy to make you go soggy.

Here, try it.

It's you, isn't it?

What do you say I take you out for a cup of coffee?

No.

I can't, my mascara's all smeared.

And I smeared my eyebrow tint.

It's okay. It's okay, you can wipe it off.

I can't, I just spilled the remover.

I'm a freak.

Come on, Annie. Let me take you out.

See?

We can be freaks together.

People back then used to call me Gargantu-Ann.

Now I'm what they'd call nothing special,

nothing scary.

I think you're very cute.

Thanks.

Let me see.

It's pretty good.

When I was a little kid

they used to say that I look like

one of those strange Dr. Seuss creatures

and called me "Sam I am"

from "Green Eggs and Ham."

And when they teased me,

you know what I used to do to cheer myself up?

"I like to eat them when they're hot,

I'd also eat them mixed with snot."

"I'll eat them in the morning dew,

I'll eat them till I have to spew."

"I like to eat green eggs and ham,"

Both: "Yes I do, Sam I am."

Good night, "Sam I am."

Good night, Annie.

(woman moaning)

Tanya, are you okay?

(moaning, buzzing)

Woman: Tanya, are you home?

It's Peggy, open up.

Tanya!

Where have you been? I've been calling.

- My phone's off the hook. - This is your big break.

- What are you talking about? - There's a breaking story

on Spring St. And Charles says it runs.

- Now? - They want you on camera.

- Oh my God! - Now!

I'm serious man, her pager is her vibrator.

I always wondered why she set her pager on speed dial.

It's that new speed dial-aid service.

(both laughing)

Come here.

We gotta stop laughing.

I'm still recovering from that Chinese puzzle.

Hurts, doesn't it?

"Hi, we're at Loyola High School with Mr. Delgado..."

Do you know her pager number?

I think it was like, 555-0068 or something.

Why?

I'm testing out your theory.

No, Holden, don't.

Give me that.

You know what your problem is?

You're pussy-whipped and you're not even getting any pussy.

This Tanya is treating you like scum

and you stand up for her

because she makes your pecker stand up.

Now give me the phone! Give me that!

Go screw yourself!

Precisely.

That is the only way to stop a woman

from using your dick as a stick shift

and driving you around town on a full tank of your hormones.

Take it from me.

I cannot tell you the number of times a girl's got me

to fix her car or paint her house

or take her husband to the airport.

Or go to the damn Farmer's Market

and sit through the pain-in-the-ass opera.

Shut up, Jason. Shut up!

No, Jason's right. He's a meathead, but he's right.

Listen, Sam.

I did all kinds of these things

because a guy's backed-up balls

are the biggest reservoir of hope this world has ever seen.

Trying to get laid by fixing a fan belt

is your fault, Holden, yours!

Oh, Samuel, you are so full of man gravy.

Now listen! You need to be more like me

and take matters into your own hands.

Why do you think they call it masturbate?

Because it allows you to be the master of your own fate.

And it's not just a physical release,

it is the release of women's control over you.

Jason. (Holden whistling)

You don't need them, they can't manipulate you.

I'm doing this for your own good.

Today is your Independence Day.

"...that after watching this amazing story...

(buzzing) That if anyone

deserves

a...

um-mm... a um...

a miracle can happen...

Holden, you're such a...

a dick!

And so are you.

Sam: After standing up for Tanya,

I decided I should stand up for myself,

especially with the evil she-dumper Gretchen.

You know what, Gretchen? It just occurred to me,

- you're just like this bike. - I'm cold, I'm thirsty.

I'm cold, I'm thirsty. I'm cold, I'm thirsty...

You're so directionless.

I don't know what I want to do. On one hand

I could be a graphic designer, or I could be a singer.

Or I could be a doctor, or I could be a pet detective.

- Or I could be... - And I'm always pumping up

your ego, like, "You're very creative..."

- I'm creative? - "You're very smart..."

- I'm smart? - "You're very sexy."

I'm sexy? I am sexy.

You're really high maintenance.

- Come on, let's go. - But Carl's the other way.

- But I gotta go now. - You wouldn't even

have this bike if I hadn't given you mine.

You know what? It's your bike and you can keep it

because it's a real piece of work.

All right.

I'll give it to Carl. I don't need you to ride my bike.

What happened to the brakes?

Sam, help!

Sugar with the coffee, right?

Yeah, please.

You know what I saw on the shopping channel the other day?

No.

They're selling action figures of the Pope.

Really?

What are you doing with my box?

Thought we could play checkers.

So what do you

do when there's something you really want

but you know you can never have it?

You become a delivery guy for your uncle.

I mean, becoming an artist,

is that what you always wanted to do?

Yeah.

So then why did you quit?

Because a favorite teacher told me I couldn't draw.

People are wrong all the time.

Why don't you draw me?

Forget it.

I used to pose for art classes all the time.

I could never do you justice.

If you draw me, I'll show you my etchings.

I'm sure your etchings are a masterpiece.

Really need to see the crosshatching

to appreciate it.

- Let's see. - No. It's terrible.

Come on. Let me see.

I let you see.

That's not terrible.

Where do you think it's bad?

Look at the spatial relationships.

They're too exaggerated.

Barely looks like you. I made you funny looking.

It's like a five-year-old did this.

I was just watching a special on Picasso.

You know what he said about his own drawings?

That he strived to draw like a child.

Because he said that a child's drawings

aren't affected by rules and they are extremely expressive.

They truthfully show what's inside the child.

But I wasn't striving to draw like a child.

It just happened by mistake.

Maybe our mistakes are really our style.

Maybe we make mistakes

because deep down we really want to make them.

Tanya: I lost my job thanks to you.

I didn't make those calls.

It was my cousin, Holden. His dad owns this place.

It's true, I tried to stop him.

You're lying.

No, Holden and me got into a big fight about it.

- Oh, yeah, right. - Just because I'm a guy

doesn't mean I'm out to screw you.

- Why do you hate men so much? - Women are superior to men.

- Like how? - Like you can't have babies.

Like you can't open jars of peanut butter.

Women mature faster.

Men are faster at getting out of the bathroom.

All serial killers are men.

Almost all cereal box mascots are men.

Women can have multiple orgasms.

- We don't have to fake them. - Women live longer.

It's the only way we can get away from you.

You can't take anything seriously.

You can't take a joke.

I don't need a man for a thing.

You can just set your beeper on vibrate.

Okay! So, put your hands up, hairball!

That is real good, pretty lady.

That's... okay, here it is. Here's the deal.

Hey! I said put your hands up!

I don't want any funny business.

There are 20,000 comedians out of work

and I don't need you to act funny like a bump on a log.

Let me tell you what this is all about.

Every day I come in here and say, "Hey, pal.

Can you spare a cup of coffee, cream, a little sugar...

a little sugar?" And every day... every damn day

you give me rag time. Well guess what?

Today you're on the rag. You understand what I'm saying?

It's your turn.

So I want you to open that cash register,

take out all of the cash

and while you're at it, let's see...

give me a pack of smokes, ultra light 100s,

a package of breath mints

and that wet lubricant stuff.

I'm gonna party tonight. I am.

And you know what? I'm gonna party on your dime.

Do you know what it's like to party on your dime?

- It's sort of like dancing... - (Tanya moaning)

You don't want to get me pissed off.

(moaning louder)

...if you do not open that cash register drawer

- and give me... (alarm rings)

Oh God.

I thought you said you didn't need a man for anything.

Oh, please.

You couldn't have done that without me.

(banging on door) Hope!

Come on, Hope. Open up.

- Sam. - They're evicting you.

That's what happens when you don't go to work,

get a paycheck and pay your rent.

Would you please just leave?

No, I'm not leaving until I get some answers.

You're not helping.

At least tell me when this is gonna be over.

I don't know.

I keep looking for proof.

Proof of what?

Sam, you've been really sweet.

I think it's best we say goodbye now.

Hey.

I'm not gonna leave.

I'll stay out here forever if I have to.

I heard you and Hope before.

I baked you this. It's chocolate, my favorite.

Naw. No thanks.

It'll make you feel better.

Every time I was sad, I had one of these.

Does it work?

It worked for me 100s of times.

You should keep it then, you know?

Hello, my name is Annie, I'm a choc-aholic.

I've been cocoa-free for one year, three months

and six days.

I have a bite of this and I'm an addict again.

I'm sorry, I forgot. Here, let me give it a taste.

That's good.

Did you know that chocolate has the same chemical in it

that your body produces when you're in love?

- Is that true? - I don't know for sure.

I've...

never been in love before, but that's what they say.

- You have nice legs. - No.

Please, stop looking at them.

Let me see your butt.

No, I don't want you to see my legs,

I'm certainly not gonna let you see my butt.

It occurred to me that I never checked out your butt

- to see if it has the scar... - No, I don't have a scar.

Let me see the butt. It's not a big deal.

Just stop it!

Don't worry, Annie, no one has to look at your behind.

You can just let big strong handsome guy like me

get in touch with Ms. Sweet Cheeks

That's not fair, Mr. Hand gets to have all the fun.

That's not true, Senior Chin.

Johnnie One Eye gets to have all the fun.

Correction, Sir Belly,

Johnnie One Eye is locked up tight.

He never gets to see the light of day.

You can't keep me in here forever.

I will rise again.

Oh, Johnnie, I hate it when we're apart.

You're in a Shakespeare of Body Part Theater.

Well...

If this is the theater,

then I think you're missing something.

A woman

so beautiful...

needs a diamond necklace for when she goes to a show.

You like that?

If you're my date

then you...

are a little bit underdressed, I think.

# From the minute that I'm walking out my door #

# There's a million girls I've never seen before... #

Oh peese, give me a kiss.

# They're so beautiful #

# And I can't take it... #

No, no, a real kiss.

# Gotta get out of this state I'm in #

# It's the kind of game I play but I just... #

Please give me a real kiss.

Woo-who!

# Every day I fall in love again #

How about one with some tongue?

# It's the kind of game I play #

# But I just can't win #

# Every day I fall in love again. #

# Every day I fall in love, that's right. #

- Hey, Annie? - Hey, Sam I am.

Does this building have a storage place?

In the basement, why?

I thought maybe Hope had stored something down there.

Maybe we can find something out.

What?

Nothing, I just...

I kinda figured we were together.

We are together.

I'm so happy right now.

Why are you still trying to find out what's wrong with Hope?

Because she's my friend.

Don't go down there.

Hey, look,

nothing's wrong, okay?

- It's okay. - Please, Sam.

Why?

Are you jealous?

I don't know.

I'm new at this.

I told you it's the first time I've had a real boyfriend.

Just makes me feel funny.

It's okay.

- Just do one thing for me. - What?

Just stop trying to help Hope.

No, I can't. I'm sorry.

She's my friend. I'm not going to abandon her.

(women laughing)

That's right, motherfucker! That's right!

There's the peeping Tom.

He's in the wall! He's in the wall!

He's in the wall, girls! Help me!

(women shouting)

Tanya: Get him, girls! Get him!

Ow!

Annie!

Annie, come on, open the door, please.

I don't want to see you anymore. You made your choice.

Come on, please, Annie, open the door.

Go away.

I should have figured it was you.

Hold him still.

Wait, I can explain.

# Now gone and got your first girlfriend #

# Yeah your livin' dream #

# Had an accident at 10:00 recess #

# All the kids laughed and screamed #

How's that portable pocket-pussy going?

That's not what it is.

Sure it is. Look at that thing.

You've got a little nickname for it.

You call it Sucky Sue.

I know you can't wait to get your tongue in there

and lube it up.

Shut up. It's my turn to talk.

This device is for my im...

"important" problem. I can't even say the word,

but let's just say that's how it's spelled,

like important. You know how... how drug addicts

do so many drugs they can't get high anymore?

That's what happened to me. I have overdosed on hard core

and now I can't get a hard on.

Sam: While Holden was telling me about his important problem

that's when I heard it.

Announcer: "What was Humphrey Bogart's character's name

in the classic film 'Casablanca'?"

- Contestant: "Richard Blaine." - Announcer: "Richard Blaine.

- That was the name..." - What? What?

- Oh, here I'll shut it off. - "...the winner of $500, Dan.

Congratulations.

- Tune in tomorrow..." - Shouldn't have got that used.

Richard Blaine as in, "Play it again, Sam."

Might as well have been, "You've been played, Sam."

But I wasn't gonna be played any longer.

I now had a hunch. I just needed to test it.

Mr. Willens, please let me by this one last time.

You take one more step forward,

you're gonna find yourself in chunks,

in my stool.

And no one's gonna care.

I'm just protecting the girls from the likes of you.

You're the one they need protection from.

Who's gonna believe you?

They will when they find out that you're the grossest man alive.

The second grossest. Let my friend go.

How are you gonna make me do that?

Oh gee, now I'm...

Come on, girls!

Hello, ladies.

So that's my story.

And I can tell by the looks on your faces

there's gonna be only one way I'll convince you to let me go.

Will you let me show you?

See, this is irrefutable proof that men are gross.

The way I should be more precise,

men without women are absolutely gross.

I did all of this, everything for a woman.

Men need you.

Men need women to save us from ourselves.

All right, let him go.

I brought you down, you circus freak.

So you're the one who paged me, huh?

- How did you find out? - Sam.

He told me you guys had a falling out over it.

Yeah.

Well, he was right. Men are gross.

And I'm the perfect example.

He forgot to mention one thing.

That men can also be heroic.

I think it's a noble thing that you did coming to his rescue.

Why did you do it?

I didn't want him to end up like me.

Hey.

Hi, I wanted to make sure after the other night

that we're still good, we're still friends.

Of course.

How did you know?

All the clues, they were red herrings.

What's going on?

Please don't be mad.

I don't even know where to start.

Why don't you start by telling me

if you've really been sad for all these months.

Yes.

The whole time. Will you please sit?

I lost someone close to me.

Jesse. He was my best friend in the whole world

ever since I can remember.

We'll need some hair on it.

Six months ago everything changed.

Jesse.

- What? - What are you doing?

(mumbling) I'm just tired of being friends.

You know?

I wanna be your boyfriend.

Haven't you ever

thought of me that way before?

Not really.

You've always been a true friend.

Someone that I can trust.

Like a brother.

You've always been this guy

that has never failed to make me smile.

That's so nice,

but I want more than this.

Okay? If I wanted a friend I'd go hang out with the guys.

Men don't want female friends.

All men want are girlfriends.

So why don't we just kiss

and see if there's any sparks between us, okay?

Jesse.

Jesse, please don't.

I don't get this.

Last week I see you make out with some guy in the rain

after knowing him for an hour, but you won't kiss me?

I've known you all my life.

Let's just kiss and see how it feels.

- All right, let's just kiss... - No, Jesse, no.

- Jesse, please... - Just give me...

Stop! Get off!

You owe me this, Hope, okay?

- Give me a fucking kiss. - Get off! Stop it!

Just shut up! Give me a kiss.

Stop it! Get off!

Get off me!

Fucking...

Hope: That's when I came to believe

that I could never trust a man's friendship

because a man was only doing it because he wanted more.

And if I couldn't trust a man as a friend,

how could I ever trust a man as a lover?

Then I met you again.

Hope!

Hello, Sam.

Hope: I told Annie about everything

'cause she and I had become really close.

He's at it again.

If Sam could prove that he was your true friend

would you let him be your true love?

And what is Santa Claus bringing you for Christmas?

Couldn't hurt to see how far he'll go.

Ever since I met you I wanted to take you

to dinner and the movies.

He's out there. What do I do?

He just wants to know why you're so sad.

Let's give him some clues.

An album cover? That's not a clue.

But Sam doesn't know that.

We should just stop. I'm gonna be even more depressed

when Sam turns out to be just like Jesse.

We can't, we're in too deep.

Oh, here he comes. Here he comes.

I cried my eyes out.

Oh and then write, "That Richard Blaine

knows nothing about love."

Finally something presented itself.

I think Sam likes me.

Just do one thing for me.

Stop trying to help Hope.

Hope: I didn't plan for this final test.

No.

She's my friend, I can't abandon her.

But it all seemed worth it.

You still wanted to be my friend even after you had a girlfriend.

And at the risk of losing a girlfriend.

And that's when I had proof that you are for real.

You are a true friend.

And now I've fallen completely in love with you.

Then why aren't you smiling now?

- Because you're not smiling. - What did you expect?

I knew I was weird, but I didn't know I was stupid.

You're not stupid.

What you think is weird

I find charming.

And what you call accidentally funny

I call plain funny.

It's the way to a woman's heart.

By making her smile.

And you've made me smile.

Yeah, but all of this...

none of it's real.

This is real.

Gretchen: Carl, schnell!

Schnell, it hurts!

God, hurry up, you idiot!

What's wrong with you? These painkillers suck!

You suck! Ah-hh!

Dummkopf!

Where did everything go?

Dumpster.

That Willens guy gave me the willies.

That could've been me in a year.

Months maybe.

Yeah. I had a feeling.

Aren't you gonna need some of this stuff?

Not since Tanya and I hooked up.

All right. I'm happy for you, my friend.

Sam,

check this out.

Come on.

That's funny.

Talk to me.

What?

I'm not blind.

Something's wrong if a cartoon on my ass

isn't making you smile.

No, I'm okay.

You've got a problem.

You love me, but you think you might also love Annie.

No, I don't.

Well, she loves you.

She didn't plan it, but it happened.

And I know you care for her too.

And I love you, Sam.

And I want you so bad.

And there's a million smiles ahead for us to share

and I could make you love me more.

But it's...

time for me to be a friend to you.

What are you talking about?

I'm not letting you go,

but I'm setting you free.

You have to decide for yourself.

# Hey you, it's been going on forever #

# The time has come when I confirm #

# The way I feel for you #

# Hey you, I think we should be together #

# I know that I belong with you #

# Deep inside my heart #

# We had our ups and downs #

# It's been this way before... #

Annie, I need to talk to you.

What do you want?

You know what is worse than not being able to find someone's smile?

No.

Making someone lose theirs.

I wanna help you get yours back.

I'll find it myself

when I get to the bottom of this chocolate chocolate chip.

Annie, I love you.

It's kind of hard for me to believe

considering everything you've done for her.

It's true. You remember all those drawings

I did the other night when I was camped outside of Hope's door?

They weren't of her. They were of you.

They're all of you. That means something, right?

You're confused. You've hurt Gargantu-Ann,

the girl who's fat but has a great personality.

Now you feel guilty.

You think you care about me but it's just pity.

- Goodbye, Sam. - No, Annie don't.

I'm not leaving here until you look at these.

Annie, please.

# We had our ups and downs #

# It's been this way before #

# I'm feeling like a stranger to you #

# It's turning me round #

# Going up, going down #

# But I can't stop... #

What's in the case? Got any dirty pictures in here?

Give it back.

Hey, you know,

the cops came by and talked to me the other day.

Now I gotta take this cab down to the station

and answer some more questions.

Those drawings are irreplaceable. Will you please give them back?

Hey!

These are all the same girl.

That bitch, Annie.

Give it back.

Why should I?

If you do, I won't tell the cops you were in those passageways.

I need those drawings to show Annie how much I care for her.

If I lose the drawings, I'm gonna lose Annie.

Now give them back!

I may be the pervert the cops are looking for

but I'm not going down for it.

Huh-uh. No.

I think I'm gonna keep these.

I think the cops may be curious about these.

All the same girl.

Looks to me like you got an obsession.

I think the cops are gonna perk up

when I tell them you've been stalking her.

See ya in court, sport.

- No! - Let 'em go, Willens.

Undercover Detective, you're under arrest.

- What? I didn't do nothing. - Oh, yeah.

I wasn't on my knees praying all those times.

I was on my knees planting listening devices.

We know all about you. Get in.

11th precinct, please.

I think somebody's lost their smile.

Come on girls, we can't lose one single paper.

Go, go, go!

- Here you go, Sam. - Thank you.

- Here you go, Sam. - Here.

- Ready to go, Sam. - For you.

- Found this. - Here's one.

Annie!

Annie, come to the window!

Please!

Annie!

Come on, come to the window!

Please, Annie!

# Can't you see? #

Annie look at it. Come on, please, really look at it.

# Close my eyes #

# You're the only one that leaves me #

# Completely breathless... #

Annie! Are you crazy?

Can't you see how much Sam cares about you?

# 'Cause I... #

# Wanted to fly, so you gave me your wings #

# So you gave me your wings... #

Annie, I love you!

This is the only way I can get you to see how I feel!

# So I could see, yeah, so I could see #

# I wanted to fly, so you gave me your wings #

# So you gave me your wings #

# And time... #

# Held its breath so I could #

# See... yeah #

# And you set me free. #

# 2000 kisses keep me awake #

# 2000 kisses that's what I take #

# 2000 kisses listen to me #

# I'm used to getting #

# Everyone bring #

# 2000 kisses who wants to sleep? #

# 2000 kisses everyone needs #

# So come on, come on #

# Get to my door #

# And I will give you 10,000 more... #

# I know what I need I know we belong #

# Don't wanna a weak love I like it strong #

# I'll play the princess and I'll be the vamp #

# Your love needs a knockout and I'll be the champ #

# 2000 kisses keep me awake #

# 2000 kisses that's what I take #

# 2000 kisses listen to me #

# I'm used to getting #

# Everyone bring #

# 2000 kisses who wants to sleep? #

# 2000 kisses everyone needs #

# So come on, come on #

# Get to my door #

# And I will give you 10,000 more... #

# 2000 kisses keep me awake #

# 2000 kisses that's what I take #

# 2000 kisses listen to me #

# I'm used to getting #

# Everyone bring #

# 2000 kisses who wants to sleep? #

# 2000 kisses everyone needs #

# So come on, come on #

# Get to my door #

# And I will give you 10,000 more #

# 2000 kisses keep me awake #

# 2000 kisses that's what I take... #

The End

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